Should Widowers Erase Photos of the Late Wife from Their Phone?

Widowers often keep photos of the late wife on their phones. Should they delete them? Back them up? Leave them on their phone? Relationship coach and widower expert Abel Keogh has the answer.
**LINKS**
Schedule a coaching session with Abel abelkeogh.com/c...
Sign up for Abel’s newsletter www.abelkeogh....
BOOKS
Dating a Widower amzn.to/2FSddpX
The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers amzn.to/2ZBQ6c9
Room for Two amzn.to/39pKfeA
Life with a Widower amzn.to/2MFv6fx
Marrying a Widower amzn.to/2Qyf48r

[@luxmoggy8541]

I have removed all the photos of my wife from my phone. They are now on my NAS (harddisk) so I can look if I want - I don't often do that - mainly if the children want to see one. But they are just there. I did this as part of moving on with my life. Nothing to do with a new woman.

[@RG-hf4et]

As a woman who dated a widower, I think this was a very smart move. We all have a past. We all have pictures of our former relationship(s). That chapter/those chapters have closed in our lives like chapters in a book. The only way to truly move forward is to put them aside like you did. Having constant reminders around/photos/other items is like constantly looking in the rear view mirror. You can't move forward. Smart move. 👍

[@luxmoggy8541]

in the house, the pictures/items are slowly being upgraded... My room was cleared in the first month... It has been over 2 years now... I still have wedding photos but they will be put away when they need to be... There is no pressure at the moment and the children like them so... You are right the chapter is closed... Let see what else life has to offer...

[@RG-hf4et]

@@luxmoggy8541 Good for you. Sounds like you are making healthy choices for yourself! 👍

[@anicop6739]

​@@luxmoggy8541 The photos were the biggest turn off for me. I was so attracted to this man but when he brought me to his place full of her images, eyes looking at me from every corner, cosmetics and other things my only thought was to escape and all the desire I felt disappeared. Now when I think about it I find it actully so rude to invite any romantic partner to a place like this. I had few crazy dates in my life but i think this was was the most uncomfortable one.

[@RG-hf4et]

@@anicop6739 EXACTLY!!!!! IT IS RUDE TO BRING A ROMANTIC PARTNER OVER with all of the past history around. But a lot of widowed people just "don't get it". Single & divorced people don't have ex things around, do they?

[@nellee8237]

I was in a relationship with a widower. At first there were photos of her,. He removed them when we started to date. He kept many pictures of her tucked away privately. I thought it was odd, why didn’t he want to take pictures of us? As the months went on, it continued. I gave him many photos of us. We had been together for years. Not once did he put one photo up. That hurt. I ended it and he knows why. Actions speak louder than words. Thank you Abel.

[@RG-hf4et]

The key to dating anyone is to vet them out early on so you don't waste years of your life with someone who is just looking for a human band aide & companionship. Too many women have wasted years of their lives with men who only want companionship & sex to mend their lonely hearts. I found out the hard way just like you did. Other women reading this: Learn from us. Get out EARLY. Don't waste your time with these guys.

[@maridevipam1554]

I can understand.. my widower always sets her dp up when there is arguments .. or on her birthday or death anniversary The Hse is a museum of hers .. I think after 3 years .. I’m cheating my self only

[@letilesseuer8368]

Making memories on MY phone of us, his adult daughters, his grandbaby, my sons, and our activities. Its just that he doesn't really think of that sort of thing. He's not techie; he has big bear paws. Also, had no issues when I asked to change his FB profile and iPad screen savers to us.

[@lorid.7844]

Hi my guy has a picture of him and his late wife hugging as his screen saver. When will he remove that. We have been together for almost 2 years. They were married for 37 years with 10 children, 5 adult and married and 3 in college 2 teens at home.

[@DatingaWidower]

When you asked him to remove it, what did he say?

[@RG-hf4et]

Volume is very low.

[@taylorsmith6393]

Posted in above comments

[@elijahrobinson4650]

So it’s not a red flag that this person going through the phone and looking for stuff to fight over?

[@sherylwainwright7672]

What if the photo is on his wall paper when he opens his phone ?

[@DatingaWidower]

If you're in an exclusive relationship, the answer is no.

[@dib9932]

I've been dating a widower for 14mths. His wife passed 3 years ago. He has a file in the gallery on his phone called 'wife' with photos of her. He has said he doesn't look at them because they make him upset. Is this a red flag? He does have a file for us with photos. He also still has photos up in the house of his LW and both of them together and momentos of their marriage. He does say its because of the kids (age 18 and 21) but I know it's because he's finding it hard to put them in a box. I don't go over his house anymore because I feel the message he's sending is that I'm second. He also visits the grave regularly and buys flowers but at the same time would buy me flowers which I only realised what was happening later on in the relationship. He's been making an effort in other areas of the relationship but I still feel very conflicted as the signals he's sending out are very mixed. Do you have some advice please?

[@maridevipam1554]

Ur very right .. it gives us a feel that we r just second ... it’s like comparing without comparison .. but we r women we get hurt ... lately like after 4 years in relationships he posted again in Fb a collage of his wife and the kids .. this happens when I’m in some sort of like mentally low ... when I address it he called me selfish .... I’m totally confused

[@dib9932]

@@maridevipam1554 you are not selfish, there should be a focus on the living, the here and now and future, not the past. He could do those things in private, not on social media. I fully understand I've had exactly the same situation.

[@maridevipam1554]

@@dib9932 Thank you ... I wish.. could be stronger ..

[@barbararankin5038]

What aboutFacebook?

[@DatingaWidower]

as long as he's not scrolling through memories, let it be.

[@maridevipam1554]

How can I reach you ..

[@DatingaWidower]

Best way to reach me is at www.abelkeogh.com/contact

[@taylorsmith6393]

Been dating my widower for 6 months. There's still pics up all over the house but he says it's for the kids...who are ages teen and older. He has numerous pics still in the bedroom but did take some down after I said it made me uncomfortable. And he posted on Facebook pics of them and how much he misses her on the 2nd anniversary of her passing...again, says it's for the kids. I have vested alot into this man and his family and love them dearly but he is a very emotionally unavailable partner. How can I tell the difference between a real relationship or if I'm just filling a void and being used for companioship?

[@DatingaWidower]

The kid excuse is BS. There are better ways to let his kids know that he still loves their mom--ways that don't involve making you feel like #2. Combine that with the emotional unavailability, I'd say you're filling a void.

[@RG-hf4et]

OMG, he posted that on fb? Anybody with half a brain would guess he is missing the wife especially because kids are involved but you don't have to post ANYTHING on fb....Why don't these widowers get it? Stay off of fb, widowers if you want to date!!! ..... You have only been with this guy for 6 months and that is really not a long time. Your note is full of red flags: posting on fb, using the kids as an excuse for his choices, he is emotionally unavailable, numerous pictures all over the house?????.....You may have invested a lot but obviously this guy hasn't......I agree with Abel, that you are filling a void. He sees you as "company", a "friend", a "diversion", a 'distraction", a "bandaide" for his broken heart......If you have to ask if this is a real relationship, then it isn't, I am sorry to say. This man's first priority are his children and it will be that way until the last teen is in college and out of the house. Then he MIGHT come around and want a "real relationship" with a woman. You may get along terrifically one on one, but these "widower issues" are dividing you.....One on one, my widower and I got along fine but then the widower issues kept coming up and I finally threw in the towel. The first time I went to his house, we just stopped for 5 minutes to get something and there was this huge portrait over the tv that the ex-mother in law gave to every family member. I cringed when I saw it but I didn't say anything because I didn't know at that point if I was going to continue to see the widower. The second time I went to his house, the large portrait was put away as it should have been and I was pleased to see that. There was one small picture in a frame of a family reunion on the bookcase shelf so I couldn't say anything about that bc there were about 15 people in the picture......The adult child/new college graduate was a problem. He was adamant that his father not date, they stopped talking for over a year, the ex inlaws lived nearby and were on the son's side about the father dating, the ex-mother in law had a surprise party for his 50th birthday & invited everyone but me, etc....I could go on and on....If your widower is acting like this now, it is not going to get better, trust me on this one. The last straw was the widower's step mother passed away and the family was coming over his house for a luncheon after the funeral. I helped set everything up, went food shopping with him the day before....Then, after the funeral, I walked into the house, and there were pictures all over the house of the deceased spouse. {There were no pictures up for 5 years}. I was shocked. He tried to blame his sister in law, and said, "Oh, Mary came over and put up all the pictures". Such bs...Well, where did the pictures come from? He gave them to her. Such a liar....Things weren't good before that but that is when I said "Enough!" I dumped his sorry ass right after that and have never looked back. I am sorry I wasted 5 years of my life with this jerk. Learn from me. This person you are dating will pull more widower nonsense in the future. Actions speak louder that words.

[@jacquioosthuizen1573]

My widower's wife was gone 2yrs and we started dating. Apart from her clothes that were still hanging in the closet and the tons of family photos on the walls he had SEVEN photos of her and him kissing/embracing around his bed. I then found out that he had a picture of her as his screensaver/wallpaper on his phone and pc. He made an attempt to a picture of us inbetween all of her photos in his room after 6 months of dating and me having to tell him that i felt like the "other" women if we were in bed. He tried to use the same excuse, it's for the kids. Uhm no. They were adults and had their own place. He used to make me feel like my feelings were not valid. I.e i lost 2 family members within a few weeks of each other and he said to me i have to be gentle with him because his wife passed away... Yes TWO YEARS ago not TWO DAYS. A week shy of our anniversary we broke up. His friends used to text me and tell me how backward he went and tell me all the things that he was doing, it sounded like he was freshly grieving as if it just happened. He got a tattoo of her and put back all of her stuff into his room and has sort of made an idol of his late wife. I understand putting the late person on a pedestal and naming them perfect but some things are just not okay. He always made feel like i wasnt good enough because i did something my way and not how she used to (cooking food, packing the dishwasher, arranging the cupboards etc). Despite all that all i wanted to do was love him and build a life with him but you cant force someone who doesnt want to. I am sorry for this long message and I really want it to work out for you. I do hope you watch the other videos especially the one that says 10 red flags.

[@taylorsmith6393]

To update, all the photos were removed from his bedroom. Other family photos throughout the house are still up. His kids adult kids are always there visiting, which is fine because I love them all and he still has a 16-year-old who took his mother's death very hard still living there as well. So I'm trying to be patient with the rest of the photos in the house. We do get along great and everything seems to be going well. I guess I just struggle sometimes when certain love songs come on the radio and he'll say he likes the song, and it leaves me wondering if the song reminds him of the way he felt with his wife or the way he feels with me now. I always want to ask him questions like this, but I don't want to seem jealous. This journey sure is a struggle and I hope it's all worth it in the end because he truly is a wonderful man. The hardest part about loving a widower is not truly knowing where at deep down, their heart is at. As with all of us, only we know our own hearts. I can only trust him and give him the benefit of the doubt, otherwise, it's all for nothing.

[@maridevipam1554]

@@RG-hf4et nothing big deal .. my case he sets a dp in fb and all the social media’s.. and yeah also he recently had a tatoo her name in his hand .. I’m glad I found this channel .. at leSt I have some friends who are in the same boat That’s a relief

[@shawnwhite8993]

I have been dating now for 5 months now the 2 weeks ago I posted on a friend's memory that I love and miss my wife the love of my life new girlfriend saw it and now wants to break up with me help me

[@RG-hf4et]

I don't blame her. I'd walk away, no run, from you.....You made her/make her feel like a human bandaide. Who wants that?!!! And you post those words publically? You shouldn't be dating at this point. You clearly want companionship but are not ready for a girlfriend. If you want companionship, get a dog, volunteer, visit your family, get busy, join a hiking group, etc.....The help you need isn't keeping this girlfriend. The help you need is to stop living your life in the rear view mirror. Sorry if this all seems a bit harsh but I dated a widower for 5 years and went through a lot of nonsense - all widower related. I know what I am talking about.

[@RG-hf4et]

@Ella Well said!

[@taylorsmith6393]

@@RG-hf4et how can I message you privately? I am dating a widower and desperately need your advice and insight.

[@RG-hf4et]

Stay off of social media and it will solve a lot of the world's problems!!!

[@RG-hf4et]

@@taylorsmith6393 Sorry but I can't give out my personal email. Try posting your issues here. Will be happy to respond.