What can You do to Help a Widower with his Grief?

One of the most common questions I"m asked by women dating widower is what, if anything, they can do to help a widower move forward and open his heart. In this video Abel Keogh discusses what you can do to help and what part of the grief journey the widower must take alone.
**LINKS**
Schedule a coaching session with Abel abelkeogh.com/c...
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BOOKS
Dating a Widower amzn.to/364eg1w
The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers amzn.to/2ZBQ6c9
Room for Two amzn.to/39pKfeA
Life with a Widower amzn.to/2MFv6fx
Marrying a Widower amzn.to/2Qyf48r

[@DatingaWidower]

What, if anything, did Julie do to help Abel overcome his grief? Find out in Room for Two. Sign up for his newsletter and get an e-book of Room for Two for free. More info at www.abelkeogh.com/newsletter-2

[@loispoe4849]

Grief is a personal thing. Everyone gets through it differently.

[@RG-hf4et]

Good video, Abel.....Timing is everything. In a dating situation, widowed or not, one has no idea where the other person's head is at emotionally. The person can be wonderful, but his or her head may not emotionally ready for a real, fully committed relationship. The real problem is that the person who isn't ready to open their heart DOESN'T verbalize it and is dating to fill the void in their life and in their heart. Many times this leads people on and feelings get deeply hurt. So single, widowed, or divorced -- don't get soooooo wrapped up in the other person/"one-itis" and BE READY TO WALK if the other person isn't investing in you like you are to them. Timing is everything.

[@TheKapias]

R G I found this out the hard way!

[@RG-hf4et]

@@TheKapias So did I -- Unfortunately, more than once.

[@miztwic]

So true. I don't think mine is ever going to move on

[@RG-hf4et]

@@miztwic Most don't. I know a single guy who married a widow that he knew from high school. The woman had been previously married to a good guy, had 2 great kids in their teens & the husband was hit by a car and tragically killed at the site. My friend knew her over the years & eventually they married. They were married only a year & a half. He moved into her home that she shared with the deceased - big mistake - either right before or after the wedding ....The widow, newly married to my friend, eventually said "You will never be as wonderful as Joe/the deceased husband" & kicked him out. My friend was completely dumbfounded & couldn't face his friends & family. He moved away to another state, became severely depressed, was pretty f-d up for several years after being literally dumped by this f-d up widow. The wife then starts posting pictures of her & the deceased all over Facebook. Imagine all of this craziness happening to anyone. This guy I know is one of the nicest, sweetest, most gentlemanly, friendly guys you would ever want to meet. His life was turned upside down by this crazy sh*t. It's 10 years later & he's still afraid to trust another woman. He's doing much better but still, he didn't deserve this sh*t.

[@miztwic]

@@RG-hf4et So tragic!! Inwish widowers/widows would just BE HONEST and have the decency and GUTS to just live alone. No shame in that.

[@sangellaferro]

I am so very sorry to now hear (for the first time,) the depth and breadth of your loss. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and thoughts with all of us. I know you must have been absolutely devastated. Thank GOD you met Julie, and life became a better place for you. You're a dear man.

[@ArmchairSkeptic2010]

Hey Abel, I can definitely understand where you are coming from when it comes to regret, blame, anger, and forgiveness. I'm glad to see you doing the work that you do. Thank you. , from an old friend. ;-)

[@Zipittydodah]

Thank you so much for your guidance and inspiration. I have a new friendship with someone I had a professional relationship with yeara ago. I had a re-occurring dream about him a year and a half ago, reached out to him and discovered that his wife died of cancer in 2016. He is a widower for almost four years now. I am just being a great friend to him. These are so helpful! Blessings to you and your wife! ❤❤

[@richmondparker1526]

Hello dear I would like us to be friends if don't mind

[@RG-hf4et]

Date other people & don't focus on this guy. You are friend zoned for a reason.

[@luisamartin588]

Omg! Thank you for sharing you help so much blessings for you and your family

[@Choclatcotton]

Absolutely nothing, just move on to someone who is healed and whole.

[@DatingaWidower]

You’re not wrong...

[@johnkeith2450]

Amen to that....."Let me unload on you and tell you how much I want to be with someone else and not with you."

[@user-cr1br7vn3z]

I have been dating my widower for a year now. We were just friends for about 7 months before actually dating. His wife he adored died from cancer 2 years ago. He treats me like a queen except for pictures still in his home, anniversaries of her death and her birthday. I feel like a mistress on these days. Her birthday a few days ago, he posted on Facebook Happy heavenly Birthday to my beautiful wife! I’m not sure how to feel or respond…. I’m feeling very hurt..

[@RG-hf4et]

11:08. Pay attention to this - 1 year limit.

[@Snoopybrandy]

Thank you. 🌹

[@kathleenwausnock8845]

I love the widower I've been dating for over a year, but the only thing that bothers me is when people ask if I am his wife he goes into this spiel, we are friends, and "I was married to a woman for 37 years and married her with SEVEN children. And when she was in a Nursing Home for three and one half years, he visited her every day." I guess this maybe 'Martyr Syndrome.' September is a memory month for him. Their anniversary Sept. 2, his birthday Sept. 4 and her birthday Sept. 18. Oh boy. I try to feel about his wife as a friend, but it's like here we go again whenever the question of who I am. Anybody experience this also?

[@DatingaWidower]

No need to for the details. A simple yes or no will suffice.

[@sangellaferro]

I think there may be some guilt embedded deeply in there if your man has to tell how much of a caring husband he was to the end. At some point -- he needs to know that others don't need an explanation -- his actions & dedication proved who he was then & during that time. I'd ask him why does he still feel the need to detail everything about his loyalty. He's loved his wife until the end, and is completely deserving of having a new love & relationship with you. Maybe he's stuck & needs to do some role playing about what he'll say in the future? I know that's helped the widower I am with. He needs to know he did everything loving he possibly could ... now it's time to change the channel. Feel him out & see what he thinks? If he was as loyal as he states ... nobody needs to hear it from him. He needs to internalize all the goodness he provided for her, and trust people don't HAVE to know, and that it's ok to love again.

[@kathleenwausnock8845]

@@sangellaferro I thank you so much for your response to my post. Wonderful advice. I have to figure out how to tell how I feel!! ❤️

[@sangellaferro]

@@kathleenwausnock8845 I'm so glad it helped. BOTH of you have to be honest with each other about how you BOTH feel ... especially around the hard stuff. Unfortunately ... emotional intelligence & communication is not taught to us properly!! We're all learning how to make money ... not how to communicate ... & stick through the rough patches together when there are no answers right then. Role play is some of the BEST ways to find out lots of things AND practice saying words that are hard to speak otherwise. I love my widower ... but this is definitely a very unusual circumstance!! Don't give up!!

[@RG-hf4et]

@@kathleenwausnock8845 Don't delay in saying how you feel. This stuff eats away at you and here we go again, before you know it, the widower is going into his long explanation at the hardware store with another old friend or acquaintance. SPEAK UP SOONER RATHER THAN LATER. He may not be aware his babbling is bothering you or that he is even babbling. You have to tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable after all this time the 2 of you have been together. If he continues to do this after you discuss this, then you may have to really rethink if this relationship is in YOUR best interests. I loved my widower but he could not set boundaries that respected my feelings and I had to walk away. Should have done it sooner.

[@jenniferbateman2370]

The widower Im dating is 8 or 9 months out from the death of husband & she wont open up. Shes clambed up I questioned she says shes struggling daily. How can I proceed? I told her Im being patient but i dont want to proceed if shes not ready

[@DatingaWidower]

You proceed by giving her the gift of missing you. She's not ready to open her heart.

[@dilaversali6980]

❤

[@irinamurphy92]

Abel, but how to response or react to a widower’s remark that he doesn’t see much point to bother with anything in life?

[@DatingaWidower]

Give him opporitunites to do things that make life worth living but understand you can't force him to do anything.

[@phalynwilliams4119]

Oh boy. I don’t think that it sounds healthy for you to try and form a relationship with a person who is mired in grief.

[@RG-hf4et]

Red flag. Move on from this widower. Don't try to help. He needs a therapist not a girlfriend. He's depressed.

[@aprilflontek]

I'm early dating a widower, he's newly dating, from a 8 yr long cancer diagnosis, incapacitated for over a year, for him she died 3 years before her death. But he still does not tell the truth of her passing early this year. Not sure how to address this, is this a major concern for me going forward?

[@DatingaWidower]

Achoo Fl What do you mean he doesn’t tell the truth?

[@aprilflontek]

@@DatingaWidower he hasn't stated when she died, he says it was a long diagnosis (8 years) , and she was incapacitated for a year, so for him he passed 3 years ago (as opposed to last fall). I watched your flag video and he doesn't tell stories of her, only his children. It seems as he has grieved.

[@RG-hf4et]

How about an update?

[@phalynwilliams4119]

Dishonesty is always a red flag 🚩. You can google the late wife and see what pops up. Don’t tell him that you researched her. Ask him some questions and see if his response is consistent with your research. I know that some people who try to excuse the widower for cheating on his wife while she is still alive but incapacitated or dating shortly after her death. However, you need to protect yourself too. You have married men out here lying 🤥 about being divorced when they are just merely separated. What is the difference between that and an incapacitated wife. Nothing. Dating other women is all about his own convenience and selfishness. Please don’t think that the dishonesty won’t trickle down into your relationship with the widower.

[@user-cr1br7vn3z]

I have been dating my widower for a year now. We were just friends for about 7 months before actually dating. His wife he adored died from cancer 2 years ago. He treats me like a queen except for pictures still in his home, anniversaries of her death and her birthday. I feel like a mistress on these days. Her birthday a few days ago, he posted on Facebook Happy heavenly Birthday to my beautiful wife! I’m not sure how to feel or respond…. I’m feeling very hurt..

[@DatingaWidower]

He treats me like a queen except... Then you're not a queen.