Should You Be Honest Or Polite?

This video examines whether it is better to be honest and direct or polite and indirect. Learn which is most effective in specific situations.
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When you have something difficult to say, something that might hurt or embarrass the person you're talking to, how should you say it?
Should you come right out and say it, bluntly and honestly?
Or should you be tactful and indirect?
What values should guide us in these situations?
Is honesty the highest value? Or is kindness?
In this video, you will learn:
--How to decide whether to be blunt and honest or tactful and indirect
--Whether being indirect makes you seem inauthentic
--What topics you should be brutally honest about
--How brutal honesty will effect your personal and professional relationships
--What Emily Dickinson said about how to tell the truth
I discuss this in relation to Charles Krauthammer’s suggestion always to be blunt and Ray Dalio’s recommendation to be ‘radically transparent.’ In the process I talk about vulnerability, integrity, the moral dimension of interaction, and Emily Dickinson. politeness
If you like this video, the School of Life has done a good video on a similar topic.

[@ethanproctor6695]

This is a long but good explanation of "all that's said must be true, but not all that's true needs to be said."

[@cegiekemp4046]

Not saying Is a form of lieing as authority (parents) tells me.

[@peacesound1101]

@@cegiekemp4046 not saying gives one time to rethink things, most of the time we force ourselves to say something we don't want to say, there is a should to things and he's talking about the should, I didn't quite understand the parents/authority thing so I might be agreeing or disagreeing with you.

[@PhilippeLarcher]

it's more not all that's true needs to be said in a blunt way

[@foljs5858]

@@cegiekemp4046 Well, part of what maturity is, is learning that not everything that authority and parents say is true (or honest even). And that love and compassion trumps blunt honesty...

[@kendallspinas605]

Why

[@bluroses4]

Your videos are helping my social anxiety. I'm always nervous going into conversations. I didn't realize most people are subconsciously deciding who is safe. Shifting my focus from me acting perfectly to considering if the other person feels safe in our conversation relieves some of my fear.

[@amawordie8633]

Excellent

[@casmartin790]

The other person isn't perfect either and a lot of people want to be seen the same way that you do. It's ok to be you 👍🏾💛

[@LocaChoca]

I would say tact 95% of the time is the best form of communication; however, there is that 5% of the time where people need to be shocked with honesty. Usually people that are in deep denial about their harmful actions, whether it is to themselves or to the people around them.

[@rondotexe]

"I'm glad it's you and not me." Damn. That actually made me laugh. That is some real brutal honesty 😂

[@peacesound1101]

Unfortunately it's not how real doctors are, they always co-experience, it's just an example

[@cacaberic]

In high stakes situations honesty is better, coupled with respect, of course. I have learned pretty early in my adult years that being honest about how I feel about an important issue might be uncomfortable at first, but clears the air in the long run, both in private life and at work. Avoiding talking about important things because of the fear of confrontation of opinions or ideas can hurt the body and soul much more than speaking openly about them. But being honest is not the same as being blunt. Being blunt is just an excuse for insulting people.

[@michaellemmen]

Agree up until your last sentiment

[@cedricbillingsley3960]

Honesty can be accomplished with some refinement. It is also a good policy not to answer unasked questions. The greatest personal asset one may have is the ability to ask the most pertinent and intelligent questions.

[@lucafrattini2484]

People will always forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou. 🤔🤔🤔

[@reason4being868]

I think I'm a little jaded that the indirect approach has been used in relationship against me in a passive aggressive codependent way. I went through a blunt honest phase and did lose some friends and pushed some of my husbands friends away. I see the wisdom of using tact and politeness with people that are not in our closest circle but it is nice to have a few friends with whom we can just BE and SAY.

[@peacesound1101]

Good for you, however I would change it to: it's good to have close friends who always forgive you when you just say what you want.

[@AnthonyJ74]

I enjoyed this. This presentation makes a lot of sense to me. This whole truth/honesty thing really confuses me at times in our day-to-day social lives, where we are basically required or pressured into wearing a variety of social faces or masks. In the name of politeness and tact, we often have to say things we may not mean, or not say things we do mean, or show behaviors/mannerisms that we may not feel, etc. And this feels phony and deceptive to me. I actually feel that in order to effectively navigate the complex social world, that we all have to be very good actors; we all have to excel at being able to tailor our public self to the demands, needs, and expectations of changing social situations. Plus, we all have agendas and motivations and desires, so we also tailor our public face in ways to help us get what we want. And so much of this social shape-shifting feels fraudulent. I actually feel like I'm lying much of the time.

[@kelcritcarroll]

I agree with you luckily it comes as a second nature to me as I was brought up like that and I’m very good at it!🤣

[@Shellshellzee]

I relate with you AnthonyJ74, and I really dislike being fake/phony. I actually stopped participating in Christmas for that reason. I receive a gift which I find to not be useful nor desireable to me.. but I "Cant" show my true feelings because that would be rude and it would hurt the person's feelings who got the gift for me So now, I am forced to "pretend" that I am happy with the gift, and put on a big smile, and say, "Thaank youuu!" I am certain that I have also gotten a gift for someone before that was useless to them. I see it, not only as a waste of money, but of time, and of energy as well I also tire of family gatherings on holidays. Our family has all kinds of problems which need to be resolved. I used to organize family meetings where we could try to get to the bottom of some of our grievances with one another, but that requires commitment, and most people seem to just want to do the light and friendly stuff like holiday gatherings People tell me that Im too serious and need to lighten up. I have fun. I laugh. But yes, I do take life seriously because there's a lot of room for improvement.

[@LifeasaGift]

I think that the point of this video was "you can be honest and upfront while still being tactfull and respecting other people's feelings".

[@24willa]

And I’m not even a good liar

[@aliceberry9392]

As a teacher, I feel that I had to develop many methods of delivering the truth tacfully to be effective when dealing with children, parents, other teachers and my principal.

[@susanganter6625]

Well done !not everybody fits in the same mold

[@lelisgraves8743]

Can you share about it ?

[@hayaashraf3404]

I'm a teacher too? Please any tips?

[@aliceberry9392]

@@lelisgraves8743 state everything in as positive language as you can. Show that you care for the children, that you are on their side.

[@peacesound1101]

You know I never thought that the social tact he's encouraging is just like being a teacher, communicating information

[@mr.giraffe7076]

When you said every interaction is a risky proposition because of the risks involved. I resonated with that. I'm considering going minimal contact with my parents. Almost every conversation is them trying to figure out how I am a bad person.

[@peacesound1101]

Have minimal contact so you can analyze the relationship, trust me, you know them like no one else could, and think of the best comeback, usually in a question, that gives them insight. Trust me, psychoanalysis is not the exclusive domain of psychologists, in general they do nothing because it's not a reciprocal relationship.

[@PaulOReilly712]

Hi there sadly one day before my dad died right in front of me, He said as we argued "You are the worse person i have ever met ! He was 87 years old, How careful must we be with our words. I am not traumitized by that comment. he was mostly all my life a good Father, i have much to be thankful for him being a good man! in Heaven we won't even remember those words :John 14:6

[@neitherhotnorflashy1677]

Relationships with parents is evolutionary and changes over time. They might be seeking reassurance of how you are a good person. Going minimal to no contact is a power play that can damage the relationship permanently. I have always considered a bad relationship is better than no relationship where family is concerned unless you are prepared to be cut off in a tit for tat response. It would be better to request respect because that is the honest desire you have. It might give them food for thought that they should no longer treat you as though you are a child and start giving the adult respect.

[@PaulOReilly712]

@@neitherhotnorflashy1677 i wish i could type perfectly like you ,I met another great typer years ago I am no good with punctuation, the reply to my comment said you mifgt try a little better punctuation with your posts! his chn was called "White Rabbit" and his punctuation was perfect like your's, you made some great points here beautifully worded ( Typed) ty

[@oldrusty6527]

I think people who are more literal tend to be more brutally honest. They tend to be more blunt and also prefer people who are blunt with them. That was the value I idealized in my youth. As I have gotten older, I have seen that there are strengths in both, and it really depends a lot on the context and the personality of your conversation partner. I know that there are people I have unintentionally hurt with my bluntness. At the time I thought I was respecting them by being direct, but now I realize I was sometimes just being rude and not appreciating their sensitive nature. I have also wasted a lot of time trying to get these types of people to speak bluntly and critically toward me, but it is a waste of time. It just isn't their nature. You explain it well when you say that people feel the social and reputational stakes of an interaction and that they feel more secure around somebody who will be mindful of that. On the other hand, I do love being with a person I don't have to watch my words with because we both just openly acknowledge and ultimately accept that we are both flawed. If you are going to go the route of bluntness, I'd say try to do it in private and also begin by acknowledging your own weaknesses so you don't sound like you are looking down on the other person.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Very mature perspective. Thanks.

[@RTRRT]

This is exactly my dilema. However, after watching the video and reading most of the comments, i have came to the conclusion that maybe i have to figure out if the person receiving the honestly is sensitive or not. That way i can act accordingly. Like you said, blunt people like blunt people.

[@leylanddowling8663]

I find that radical honesty has a place where safety is assumed, that no one is is going to be harmed by such honesty. This assumes also a trust in life... that if forms of negativity arise, that the parties involved can handle life and that at least one of these can stay with the other person honestly until a clear resolution can be reached and people can grow beyond their illusions. Radical honesty also assumes that we can have a level of self development that we can be honest with ourselves. If this is so then we must also have compassion for others before we are ready for practising radical honesty. Yes practice radical honesty; be willing to have courage to know that life will support the authentic movement of your energy, AND don't be a jerk. This could transform our world.

[@peacesound1101]

Certainly, even go more radical and it can be therapy, like rolfing, but as usual it is balancing all the parts into a whole which is the greatest enabler, for some are too polite, over polite and always polite, while some are never polite, never considerate and always way off in their assertiveness

[@leahwilliams3618]

What I've noticed is that the people that I've known that communicate with "brutal honesty" seem to have a superior attitude. They many times make assumptions without asking questions. They hold their opinion above your feelings, and will say to you "truthfully" that they are not responsible for your feelings. There usually isn't any reasoning with them. There seems to be a lack of empathy in their personalities. However, I have also been around people that I didn't have any idea what they thought. It was extremely frustrating and felt unsafe. I found this position to be more unbearable and I felt very manipulated. In the reveal of their thoughts, I learned that they too made assumptions without asking questions first, and held their opinion in higher regard then anything else.

[@Earl_TheSquirrel]

I agree 100%

[@jodyashley3992]

Great video and thank you so much. I have lost so many friends because I have not been tactful enough and end up hurting the person instead of "helping" them. I tell myself I am helping them be a better person. They usually only got hurt and determined I was not a "safe" person. I have become a bit of a recuse fearing social contact. I realize there is a balance and I need to develope more kindness. Thank you again.

[@maggieb5326]

Blunt brutal honesty is a contradiction. It lacks basic kindness. Honesty is beautiful but so is kindness and these beauties should both be in operation. Blunt brutality is just that. Brutal. Brutality is never a good thing. I loved the poem by Emily Dickinson.

[@winnietzp]

Bruce, I think you broke it down well in this video. This was an issue I struggled with since I was young. People used to avoid me because I upheld my 'values' that the truth will always prevail, and people 'should' learn how to accept criticism if they want to better themselves. And, i was glad those people didn't stick around because those who did were the true gems I wanted in my life anyway. But then over the years, I realize that if I were a true wordsmith, I would be able to get the point across with the outcome that I hoped for while maintaining good rapport. That's where learning to communicate truly comes in because a language is merely a tool but being creative in yielding meaningful outcomes is an art. When we think we should rush to 'speak the truth', our minds are still very elementary or is still too poor in processing the complex and dynamic situations in order to create a great 'message'. With a simple mind, we think that there is only one message, one way to say something in any one particular situation. Often, there is no anticipation of the results as the mind obsesses about having the thoughts purged. A concept applied so widely; in any work we do, we do it better when we have given it more consideration, meaning and edit. So let our speech be made of good work.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Yes exactly!

[@NikkiVelazquez]

This really broke it down for me in easy to understand language.

[@yourface2616]

I was neglected as a child and until now I realized I’m blunt to people to get a shock and in turn attention from them. I try not to be that way. Constant struggle and i feel bad for people that have to deal with me.

[@MamaMilkBubbles]

The fact that you can acknowledge that and be accountable for that really speaks volumes. Forgive yourself, and make it a daily goal to be a better person. You've got this. Sending you positive vibes.

[@peacesound1101]

Having no deceptions gives you the real thing of beauty, now give it a wardrobe...

[@ron1836]

I believe that brutal honesty is a problem. But simple honesty is the language of the gifted. Honesty even when put in likely offensive words only needs a follow up of kindness and understanding. You must let the other person know that you are not speaking in this way to them from a place of perceived superiority. That single thing is what makes someone upset, angry, hurt, embarrassed.. when spoken to honestly and bluntly. But when you make sure to bond and connect with who that person is and let them understand who you are, that is where strong relationships are made. Some people cannot be communicated with or reached easily in this way. Usually due to self unawareness or inflated ego. Possibly lower intelligence at times as well. But even those people you can find the right situation that you can finally break through to them.

[@24willa]

Thanks. Now I see the only person I should be 100% brutally honest is myself

[@MaGiCMushroomClouds]

As someone with absolutely no shame whatsoever, I can truly appreciate watching a brutally honest person with no filter do their thing. They're the best to have around when you find yourself amongst a bunch of uptight squares who take themselves and their sensibilities a bit too seriously. What I lack in shame I make up for in apathy. I think they find it refreshing to come across someone invulnerable to embarrassment and impossible to offend.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Is that what mushrooms have done for you? That’s not the typical effect. But I think you’re being facetious.

[@hannahmitchell87]

@@HowCommunicationWorks I dunno....A good trip can kill your ego

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

@@hannahmitchell87 it’s true. Though I’ve never taken a large enough dose to dissolve my ego.

[@XOChristianaNicole]

@@HowCommunicationWorks - My bet is the commentor in question is a psychopath. To which, I state respectfully. Being I am an autistic psychopath, myself. And for the record, psychopathy is not mutually exclusive to malignancy, in the slightest. Nor should it be associated with anti-social personality disorder, as the DSM-5 classifies it. It’s, simply, a way One is wired to perceived and moves through the world. Hence, the very comment this is all in response to. If anything, I have learned that all of these social/charisma techniques taught everywhere today, in order to achieve the success many individually desire entirely relies upon utilizing the behaviors that socially effective psychopaths embody, in order to achieve their own success - being many in high ranking jobs and leadership positions tend to be on the psychopathic spectrum, to some degree or another. Which, again.. Not all are malignant and have achieved their success, using malignant force - which, Hollywood and the medical industry (whom are in cahoots with each other, greatly) greatly push. If anyone is interested on the topic.. I’d look into neuroscientist - and fellow psychopath - James Fallon. He studies psychopaths on death row. And in such studies, he came across the fact that he, unknowingly, is a psychopath, also - which, he discovered when he compared his brain scans in the control group, to that of the group containing the psychopathic criminals.

[@bend.3633]

Yeah, if you have absolutely no shame and don't care how your words affect other people...you may be a sociopath. We all have things we'd like to say, shooting from the hip, doing exactly what our emotions dictate (which is why people sometimes respond positively to someone being so blunt and why it has it's place amongst close friends and at a comedy shows). But we also understand that there's a time and place for it.

[@purplepurposee]

I nvr understood how honesty is hurtful . But hey this world full of sensitive souls. But i understand the message. Being honest doesnt win friends and influence over ppl . 👌🏽

[@64devil]

There is this other guy,adam lane" who focuses on attachment issues and ig it come out to what type of relationship you want to have with these people. Some people will love you for being brutally honest and continue being friends with you. Other will hate you and not want to talk to you but then would you want to be friends with that person that doesn't like how you are. It's a trade off and you could find your people.

[@honoryourself2098]

I should have guessed from the title, these things don’t have to be mutually exclusive. This video really speaks to me, a good reminder not to be so all or nothing.

[@johanvanbussel2073]

Like most things in life balance is key. Between being honest and being kind balance is key. I really appreciate your visions on this, this deserves more views as it will make you think about this stuff. I sometimes feel like the blunt are increasing in numbers, and it's hard as being more of a polite type. At the same time I feel I could be more honest sometimes, both in making myself and others feel better. However, I subscribed to your channel!

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thank you, Johan. Please share the video on social media with your friends.

[@waves8545]

To me it's a matter of selfishness vs respect. Being blunt means someone puts their own narcissistic self-worth over mine and won't consider meeting halfway in a conversation. Being tactful means someone is respectful enough to consider my feelings. It doesn't take a lot of effort, but selfish people paint it as if it is.

[@veselgana]

How do you connect bluntness with self-worth?

[@rubyparchment5523]

I’m fat. Have been fat all my life. Every single person I meet feels the need to let me know that they can’t help but notice…. That their sister had stomach stapling, and is now a “success story.” That Snooki used Hydroxycut. That I will die soon (my Florida MD; she soon keeled over with bone cancer, 28 years ago). Dates: “I’m the only one who wants you.” Me: “I’ve got 35 guys saying that.” Folks! I also see your faults, especially your lack of class.

[@Jaxmusicgal23]

I used to be a very direct, brutally honest person. It hardly EVER went well. Over time and maturity through mistakes, I learned tact and how to tell the “truth in love”. There is something to be said for both not avoiding the truth but also not bludgeoning people with. Now, I have to deal with a brutally honest spouse. Who was NOT like this pre-marriage. He is upset that the exclusivity of marriage has not afforded him the simplicity of being brutally honest. I got into a habit of only being very honest with him but not with anyone else. I now see the error. We cannot even be completely brutally honest with a spouse, as they are human and also have to save face in the relationship. We have years of emotional damage and ruined intimacy we are trying to repair from him missing this and I throwing in the towel and just acting in kind. EVERYONE needs tact and the truth told “ at a slant” whether they claim to need it or not. Women may seem externally more sensitive to brutal truth, but men seem to internalize it and it comes out later. Be kind and speak kind to one another, especially when having to speak hard truth that someone probably wont want to hear. There have been, since I learned how to be kind-fully and tactfully honest, maybe 2 or 3 people in about a decade that I felt needed someone to be brutally honest based on their mental situation, state and circumstance. It was needed because they were spiraling, hurting others/themselves, and the kind approach done several times did NOT work. They needed a shock out of their mental state to get them to leap out of what they were doing/ thinking. I have a friend now destroying her marriage with he bitterness, coldness, control of her husband while simultaneously disallowing him to voice his concerns or ask how to serve and do things for her… she needs someone to be seriously honest because she is only gathering “supportive” people who agree with her “side”. She has shut me and others out who would sit down and walk her out of her mental state. I am hoping/ praying our former Pastor will be honest this week with her and get her to understand her marriage is not just her and she will stop treating her husband like a work dog and also admit her fears and what is causing this. Brutal honesty is a nuke in your arsenal that should ONLY be used with close friends that trust you and who are in such a bad place they will hurt themselves or others or destroy their whole lives if not given. Its a rare situation and should be treated as a last option.

[@V.Hansen.]

The cancer example was funny because that is exactly how brutally honest I would want a doctor to be. When it’s life and death I want complete and brutal honesty. Other times it’s mostly just opinions which are just not that important

[@TheWilliamHoganExperience]

I found out I was #ActuallyAutistic in my mid 50s. I also have a very high IQ, something that masked my autism from normal people my entire life. Despite my intellectual and creative gifts, I've never achieved lasting career or social success, and now live on a fixed income that places me near the poverty line. This despite finishing at the top of my class at university and going on to become both a lisenced architect and a college professor. Social skills matter more than any other single attribute. Autism brought me many talents and gifts. It's also blinded me to many subtle but massively important social cues and conventions that 98% of humans operate with. This means I'm percieved as blunt and not empathetic in social settings. Combined with my encyclopedic knowledge and a gift / curse for verbosity and pedantry, I'm usually seen as intimidating, rude, or callous, when really, I'm just enthusiastic and despise error. I also don't recognize dominance hierarchies or play the sort of indirect verbal games needed to navigate within them. I know they exist, but the map is not the territory. Not knowing I had autism and thus was socially blind, I became frustrated and cynical about social dynamics and workplace politics. I decided the real secret to success in such settings was kissing up and punching down. Competence and insight and knowledge and dedication were beside the point. While this is certainly true to some extent, it was a case of sour grapes for me, until I came to understand my nuerology fully, and how alien and off-putting my way of interacting with typical people in typical social settings must be to them. What's needed for longer term success is the acceptance and support of people in mid-sized social groups of 10 to 20 people. People you work with or play with or socialize with. This is extremely difficult for nuerodiverse people with social cue blinness like me. Try as I might, I'm unable to track in such settings, and inevitably crash and burn despite my best efforts and intentions. I haven't given up - but I recognize my limitations, and try to make others aware of them. If you're nuerotypical, you might not have genius level IQ, but don't worry - you've got something far more important - basic social skills. Develop and use them properly, and you'll be more successful and happy than most people like me. Politeness matters more than intellegence.

[@Worthless-one]

This. This speaks to me so much! I'm about half your age (mid 20s), i was diagnosed with Adhd and a couple comorbids in early childhood, but it wasn't until I was about 10/11 that I was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome (diagnosed DSM 4), now 'high-functioning' Autism Spectrum Disorder (DSM 5). Growing up, I always struggled with social cues, and other similar social situations. Even after I was diagnosed, I struggled. One of my worst qualities is that I get stress-flustered easily and that when I get like that, my tongue disconnects from my brain, in that I become unable to form good, cohisive WORDS not just sentences, let alone arguments. And then I just shut down and shut up. Because how am I able to engage in an argument or discussion, or whatever, if I can't verbalize my thoughts? And since I can't argue back against someone, when I get like this, I have no further 'proof' to offer the conversation, so the other person must be right, because they can supply more proof than I can. When I say arguments here, I am mainly referring to logical arguments, not yelling fights. This causes me to be a pushover, which I hate, and once in a while the dam breaks and I 'blow up' (sometimes at the person, sometimes at myself, other times I just vent to anyone who'll listen). And the worst part, I'm still like this, only I know what's wrong with me now. Sometimes I wish I could be like Littlefinger or Tyion Lanister, and be able to play the social game competently.

[@TheWilliamHoganExperience]

@@Worthless-one I'm learning to identify and accept my limitations while embracing my interests and strengths without shame or apology. As far as logical arguments, I suggest forgetting that. Most people can't be convinced with logic. I tried and failed much of my life to convince people I was right about something - and I usually am if it involves something I'm interested in. Nuerotypical people are herd animals. The seek social harmony through consensus and conformity. They communicate in ways people like you and I are blind to, and are concerened with things that simply don't matter to us because they are invisible to us. I like people generally, but find unstructured social activities pointless and banal. Unless I get drunk and there are a lot of attractive women around, at which point I structure the my social activity around trying to seduce them. Or rather, used to many years ago. It's a skill that can be learned and played like a bizzare game with rules that allow you to accurately predict how both women and men will interact in nightclubs and such. It's also exhausting and can even be dangerous, so I don't recomend it. But you can learn how to observe people and predict their behavior acurately. I used to pretend I was Jane Goodal the famous primate researcher studying the mating behavior of chimpanzees in the Congo. Which I pretty was. I dated and slept with many women, and had a very large social circle at one point. But it wasn't who i really was. It was a mask, and it eventually crumbled and I was left more alone and confused than ever. The lesson is, don't wish you are something that's not in your nature. Learn who you are, and what your nature is, and what you truly love, and embrace that fully. That's the path to a meaningful life. Just don't expect it to be easy. Nothing truly valuable comes easy to anyone. It requires effort and suffering and sacrafice. It's just how the world is. ...and above all else, avoid resentment. Your own and that of others. Resentment is the most toxic of human emotions along with shame. Reject both and embrace life as it comes to you warts and all.

[@Worthless-one]

@@TheWilliamHoganExperience Wow, again, the meta meaning of this hits home (the argument tip alone for one!), this is some advice that's better than my friends and family have given! Thank you!

[@TheWilliamHoganExperience]

@@Worthless-one Neurotypical people generally mean well, but the advice they give autistic people generally sucks. We are different than them. Not better or worse, just different. That means we are on our own. Fortunately there's the internet now, and it's possible to find others like us, and share our expereinces and insights. If you find my advice helpful, that makes me happy. It's why i go to the trouble to post comments on autism videos. The best way to thank me is to post your expereinces and insights on as many autism related chanels as posiible. That way you can help others struggling to understand themselves or family and freinds and partners on the spectrum. You might also wan't to look into the philosophy of Neitzsche. I'm pretty sure he was autistic. His insights into the human condition have profoundly shaped modern philosophy and psychology - for better or worse. I think he was misunderstood in his own time, and is even more misunderstood today. His philosophy is fundamnentally about accepting and embracing life and the circumstances we find ouselves in with joy and vigor. I suggest starting with this guy's podcasts: kzbin.info/aero/PLjnhfrJcWicBPaG0YnghbCgBRV-YP6rT2 Start at the bottom of list, and work your way up. I suspect you are smart enough to understand what he's talking about, but it will require some effort. I've listened to most of them twice, and some three times. It's been very helpful in explaining whay the world seems so crazy and immoral, and it's helped me let go of resentment about it and to embrace life. Good luck. PS - The philosophy geek speaking here also happens to be a professional muscian. A Doom Metal guitarist of some renown in that underground genre. He's one of the smartest, most articulate people I've ever encountered. He's wise and logical too, so I think you'll like him. let me know if you find his stuff helpful.

[@Carl_Frank]

It sounds like some people who object to your stance here are missing the fact that you said (in your example of the cancer diagnosis) that a person can be *completely honest* while not doing so in a way that disregards a person's feelings or insecurities. It is not a dichotomy of "pure honesty one one hand, and lying on the other hand". One does not have to be dishonest to present a truth tactfully; they can ease someone into the difficult information they need to have. I do think that there are times when someone may need to be "shocked" with brutal honesty in order for them to take needed action, (like if their state of denial is preventing them from taking urgent action on a health crisis, or if they are harming someone else and need to be stopped as soon as possible) but most everyday situations are better served in the way you recommend, I think. Each situation needs to be read individually; just as someone may disregard some important information because it was presented gently, someone else may also shut down and give up if the truth is presented too bluntly and harshly. Evaluation of the person and scenario is required. Firm, but tactful truth seems to me as usually the best approach, despite the fact that I acknowledge exceptions.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thank you for this thoughtful comment.

[@fumomofumosarum5893]

That's what the Japanese got down to a molecular science. ; )

[@salpivartivarian1615]

Thank you for your videos. You are a blessing. So many of us struggle with communication problems that have a huge impact on our lives and our well-being.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

You are so welcome

[@patriciabarlowirick]

Finding the balance is one of my life challenges, but as a woman. I would rather go to dinner with the radically honest rapist, than a sneaky one. Yes, it breaks relationships, but sometime that is for the best.

[@Worthless-one]

I find this extremely challenging as an austistic and Adhd person. I've ended up in the camp where I just don't talk much, and I DEFINITELY DON'T TALK BACK to anyone (like how an authority figure tells a child to not talk back), which has led to me being a doormat, but I'm always polite...I'm just hardly honest (with other people, and apparently with myself), from lying by omission, as I'll only say the kind stuff and not even indirectly address the issue (because it's not my place to speak up; people are going to do what they do, and who am I to tell them what to do with their lives? I have no authority over them)

[@brocktongirl8871]

In Christianity, this concept is taught as "speaking the truth in love". The love part is important to remember.

[@stefanmolejo4578]

Brutal honesty DOES indeed destroy relationships.... My life can be an example of this truth!

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

We’re you the brutally honest one, or was someone brutally honest to you?

[@stefanmolejo4578]

@@HowCommunicationWorks I'm brutally honest & it's run off alot of people.... It's something I'm working on However, people's bullsh*t is unreal & it is SO difficult not to hit them with TRUTH (Repulsor) blast!

[@ConfidentlyUnconfident]

Short summary: "It's not what you say, but how you say it"

[@omercengiz7910]

at times our partner or whom we are talking with tells us to be completely honest with them and wants us to be 100% direct saying that they will handle the truth but we know they won't be able to and they will hurt themselves in the short or long term having this direct speech. At those times do you think we should be completely direct and blunt because they deserve that and they take that responsibility and when they do take that responsibility it is their right to have that and not our concern. Or because we know the outcome we still have responsibility and we should still be tactfull about such a destructive conversation.

[@AgentK200]

Keep being honest but in a kind way. Some things are better left unsaid and some are best said in a way that takes their feelings into concern. Regardless of what happens you just do the best you can.

[@pauladuncanadams1750]

My biggest problem with tact, and this is just my personal experience, (not with everyone but certain people) is that you're ignored. People don't take the hints. They don't really want to change their behavior, nor do they really care about how their behavior affects you and so they use your civility as an excuse to continue to act in ways that are on a spectrum from just annoying to you all the way to downright abuse. People will continue to destroy your boundaries again and again unless you hit them over the head with a 2X4. Not what I want to do but that's what I do to people who disregard manners.

[@brokeking666]

It is a great channel, very interesting to listin to

[@natashaj9169]

Thanks for this, been looking for something like this. I think emotional levels differ in everyone. Some people are just too emotional even pointing out facts in a polite way is too much for them! I prefer brutal honesty as I am not good at reading in-between the sugar coated lines. I agree it's the way you say it / tone you use.

[@wintermatherne2524]

Emotional people need to grow up. Face saving compassion is good but not sugar coating. Thats weaselly. If you need to be a coward to be popular, I don't need it.

[@peacesound1101]

@@wintermatherne2524 I didn't get the too emotional part, those who even polite honesty doesn't get through, as to what emotions do they have? Being polite in these times is the only way to be really unique, smart mouths, uncouthness, labeling and fanning the fires of prejudice are getting passed through as "telling it like it is", brutal honesty is too easy, too quick to be self critical, "naked" honesty is achieved by the polite Zen bulls eye. Don't worry, I'm big on having many social gears, the full spectrum, even have the (legal or in the blue zone) defense weapons always on me in full view to deal with the deep end

[@catherinewilson1079]

Sometimes, because of my background, I can misunderstand a communication when I it not presented clearly and openly. In other words, I do not « read between the lines » well. (I present like someone who has Aspergers (which I don’t have) in that respect.) So I PREFER to be spoken to somewhat directly. Also, while I never want to be cruel or unkind, I can’t stand it when someone pussyfoots around a topic (ie;sex) because they cannot bring themselves to directly communicate something about it. Btw, I understand Emily Dickinson apparently never left her house.

[@onee]

I think that context matters a lot. Charles Krauthammer wrote for his readers. Not for the people that might get upset by how "honest"/real he was when he wrote something. And I can imagine with Ray Dalio how he wants his employees to be very honest with him about his investments instead of trying to be overly respectful towards him and perhaps not tell him how they think that he might be wrong when investing in something that can cost him his fortune. Especially with investing people can end up making emotional decisions and keep an investment purely due to sentimental value. Then having an outsider be brutally honest with you. And convince you to stick to the game plan, can really be a wake up call. But in normal day-to-day relationships, being constant honest can and often will upset people. But from my understanding Charles Krauthammer and Ray Dalio don't really talk about this. Brutal honesty can feel good though. But again, then you value how you feel probably more than the relationship and how the other person feels.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

I think, figuring out the balance between honesty and indirectness or politeness is one of the greatest challenges in communication. It is interesting to me that Dalio himself almost got pushed out of his own company, because his brutal honesty was too much for his employees.

[@A94-c5z]

This brings me back to drivers ed. I never got my license as a teen and put it off indefinitely after I moved to a city where I don't need to drive. A few years ago, after some failed previous attempts, I finally committed myself to get my license. I signed up for drivers ed and over the next couple months I built up a good degree of confidence behind the wheel. This whole time I had the same driving instructor, who was very chill and made me feel at ease while also being a good teacher. He was very tactful in how he communicated when I made a mistake, so I never felt discouraged. Fast forward to the week before my road test-- my instructor couldn't be there, so the company assigned a sub (who allegedly was with the company longer than the other instructors and had a great track record). From the second the class started, this guy was loud, obnoxious, and extremely cocky (he mainly talked about himself and how great of a teacher he is). I ended up getting very distracted by him and started making a couple driving errors I didn't make with my usual instructor. About halfway through the lesson, he says something like: "I need to be honest with you. You are going to fail your road test." He also said that because I was over 25, my brain was fully developed and I can't learn new things anymore. I was already so anxious anticipating my road test, and that was the last thing I needed to hear. Regretfully, I never took the road test and still don't have my license. Maybe someday...

[@hadleybee9710]

Take more time getting the support you need and the experience and exposure you need. Find out what is really hindering you and keep advocating for yourself because it seems there is an underrying issue in your life that this is bringing to light. Perhaps it is sowing you that you are probe to feel anxious around others or have dyslexia or AdHD ? Worth looking into for the potentialsupport available.

[@A94-c5z]

@@hadleybee9710 Thank you for the thoughtful response. I actually already go to therapy for anxiety, which I know is the root cause of me putting off my license. That drivers ed teacher was just so discouraging and made me feel worse about my situation than I did already. Luckily, I do have a good support system and remain optimistic about my future, whether or not it includes driving 😌

[@AgentK200]

@@A94-c5z you’re never too old to learn something new. Just the fact that you were driving is proof of that. Don’t let what he said discourage you. Whatever you go after, you got this and you’re not alone.

[@A94-c5z]

@@AgentK200 Thank you so much. Your words of encouragement mean a lot.

[@Eibon_of_Iqqua]

I can relate. passed my test at the age of 31 after numerous failed attempts with different instructors over the years. I was a very nervous student, often having to pull over to go the toilet because of nerves. Eventually went for hypnotherapy which helped a lot, and got lucky with a new instructor who was recommended to me by a friend. I still failed the practical test once with him but he was very supportive and I passed the next time. I understand living in the city you don't need to drive but if you decide to give it another go some day I wish you all the best with it. When I felt nervous I just kept telling myself that I was creating the anxiety, so I could stop it. Then I did 4 second breathing exercises, thinking relax on release. That helped a lot.

[@marinanogueira1080]

the radical truth here is that this video is great! ^^

[@luke78333]

If you are very tactful in your speech with people who are extremely blunt they will walk all over you... time and place for both forms of communication.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Yes you should search for my short about not being too polite

[@tulips91]

I wish I have learned this many years ago. To be honest I got into a lot of trouble because of my bluntness. Thank you for this video sir. This is very helpful.

[@peacesound1101]

@@lorrainesmith.4995 Hopefully you'll meet someone who isn't offended and give you the insight you're missing. Like myself, if you're watching his videos you probably want to learn grace with people, have goals which require it, believe in the give and take, flow, essential

[@lilianwhite7722]

I'm ok with tactfulness to prevent hurting people, but beating around the bush for normal stuff is so infuriating to me.

[@Jamie-se7dq]

Thank you for sharing this explanation in such a patient, clear way with examples, and your reading the poem by Emily Dickinson was fantastic! That was a wonderful surprise and memorable. :)

[@shannonmcgill8206]

As someone who struggles with emotional intelligence, I often think I am presenting a soft version of truth but people do not receive it that way. I honestly have no idea where I go wrong but I have spent a lifetime of being misunderstood.

[@christanlawrence23]

These presentations are helping me so much. With the culture that I grew up in, they don't teach you these things. Hopefully I can find a video that teach you to be tactful with our communication. - Jamaica

[@Go4Yourz]

Long but good video. I think it’s disrespectful to assume that people cannot manage their own emotions in response to one’s truth (which is only their opinion). In your examples, it should be explored why one would have those sort of blunt thoughts in the first place. Are we sure that we naturally think blunt thoughts? If so, why do we? Should we? On the cancer example, the doctor would not be respectful to the patient his/her condition. Honesty should not be disrespectful. On the dating example, saying that across dinner table in public is not appropriate. Honesty should be shared in the appropriate time/place. I believe you owe people in life, honesty. They deserve to know where they stand. How you decide to deliver that honesty is a reflection of you. This is a fascinating topic. I usually don’t write comments much less comments this long. I get both sides of the argument. I come down on being honest over tactful. Better to deliver your message your way and put your trust in the other person to manage their emotions. Being tactful should manipulative. It sounds like speaking truth in a people pleasing way. If your truth is coming from a place of love, support, compassion, understanding and empathy then your thoughts shouldn’t be blunt to begin with. These are my thoughts, they are all over the place. And that’s the truth 😉.

[@jerrybessetteDIY]

A lot of difficulty comes in misinterpreting the Commandment not to bear false witness. The commandment to love your neighbor or love your wife overrides the command to be truthful. Don't tell your wife, "That dress doesn't make you look fat, you are fat."

[@missjennemeg1]

I prefer kind and sensitive, but direct communication. I can't stand it when people beat around the bush - GET TO THE POINT, but sensitively. Emily Dickinson - no circuits - straight to the point. It's like keeping me on tenterhooks.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Tell the truth but tell it slant / The truth in circuit lies….

[@eperon]

Every word that Jesus ever spoke was 100 percent truth-His words were most always graced with kindness and tact, with very few exceptions when He railed against the hypocrites who sought to discredit Him. For me, His is the perfect example.

[@Pragmatic_alchemist]

Be honest but not brutally honest:be strategically honest. Honesty is about rationality but since human are emotional being emotion should be respected in the manner of diplomacy Make people feel safe to interact with you Your honesty should not shame, embarass, lose face of other in public as well as personal interaction. Use tact, strategy in communication Being bluntly honest is another way of insulting. Convey the msg diplomatically w/o killing the truth Focus on what other people are feeling rather than yourself Tactful indirectness and brutal honesty both are equally manipulative.But the whole language is designed to achieve goals in strategic manner. If u want to be bluntly honest then be of yourself(your struggles,failures,experience) which makes u vulnerable and helps u to connect with other people.

[@whoisterror]

I was told (here in the states) that I was the kind of person who "spoke her mind" and that had me thinking. This way is not unusual in other countries, we tell our friends when, let's say a shirt doesn't look good on them, or we tell them exactly what we think if they ask. But, I changed this because it doesn't seem correct here. However I feel that the way people interact and communicate then is so false, and nobody ever tells you what they really think for fear of not being liked afterwards and not because they fear hunting you. Every time now someone asks my opinion on something I have to bite my tongue even if my advice could be useful... especially if requested, now I'm never sure if people really want to know, just in case I respond with some platitudes that are so commonly used. I noticed that there's a lot of false praise and shielding happening continuously. Anyway, for me it's a cultural difference that I learned to modify, but it's much more difficult for me to trust people and make friends knowing that everyone here does this around the bush thing

[@apacur]

It depends on the situation and what has happened.... Being unapologetically brutally honest is at times absolutely OK

[@vegankathy2583]

Great video

[@emilykenny6256]

What about in the context of someone who has hurt you and then takes no accountability or even worse blames you!. A person might feel like being honest and not letting them scurry out of the situation without any consequence.

[@TheSoberCapricorn]

Thanks for this. I’m reading Crucial Conversations and this video is a another great perspective that’s helping me become a better communicator. I’ve struggled with being brutally honest and always thought it was the right thing to do- now I see why it’s not. Thinking I’m right all the time has been my greatest obstacle but I can see it now- I can move around the obstacles….there’s more than one way to think or do something. I’m not right no matter how I justify it, there’s always another way to see things. Thank you 🙏

[@kanekiuchiha4202]

If people are offended by your honesty then they are just immature and unwilling to accept the truth, I would rather deal with someone that is brutally honest than someone who want to be polite and lie to my face about how they truly feel

[@trx3264]

Great point.I liked this a lot. I have also listened to Ray Dalio and I think he was expecting that to be used mostly in the high level corporate environment.

[@willlinke2849]

If “it” can’t be fixed in 5 minutes or less then what you say doesn’t need to be said at that time in those circumstances

[@julienjones2638]

Correction. Speak the truth with love.

[@Mary-sm7fd]

Depends on the person your dealing with !!! Some people come into Your life to use and abuse You .

[@levanahbatlila859]

Wisdom plays a part in good communication.

[@adamkornecki8263]

This video makes me sick. I'd like to communicate my open palm hand across the side of this dudes face. But I never would... I would politely disagree LOL

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

See that’s why we need politeness.

[@hemant5918]

Thank you so much for making this video. This is exactly what I needed. Thank you...I appreciate this. Very true 💯

[@ricardolombe8614]

I recently realized that my brutal honesty drove people away, I thought I did good because I was been straight to the point, expressing my thoughts and feelings and criticisms. But trust me it doesn't work like that in the real world. We all have feelings and by this virtue, we need to take care of each other. I have learned to be more tactful when talking to someone more especially in cases that are tense. Being aware of what the other person will feel after makes you the kindest person, a person people would love to open up to. I now view Blunt honesty as just an excuse for one to be rude. This is really helpful. Thank you🙏

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thank you! These are painful lessons to learn, and I also learned them the hard way.

[@Heallove24]

I love this! I feel that complete honesty is an excuse to be rude in some cases.

[@JenniferMoleski]

Great topic. I can't decide if I agree or not. Anecdotally: I am very honest, about myself, my life and how I see others. Through my life people have told me that they used to not like me because of my honesty, but once they matured they saw it differently. I've also been asked advice numerous times because, "I know you'll tell me the truth." Maybe the difference is being honest blithely vs. purposefully. Personally I would choose to hurt someone's feelings if I knew, in the long run, that it would increase their awareness, perspective and eventually, their quality of their life.

[@susanganter6625]

Wow this is a tough one!

[@willissudweeks1050]

You also have to remember that you don’t even have the truth. You have your opinion. Sharing your opinion isn’t always wise and can lose you friends.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

So damn true.

[@nanaifan1]

Amazing video! Love how you explain everything and I'm in love of that poem, thank you

[@twofierce]

I was completing my nursing clinical rotation on Ortho when the physician came into my patient's room and simply stated "Well, I can't save your leg, I'm going to have to cut it off" and left the room! Horrendous!

[@margyiphillips4931]

Dr., I just came across your channel and have subscribed. Do you have videos on how parents should communicate with their children? Thank you!!!

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Although I am a parent, I haven’t made many videos about that topic. I highly recommend the book how to talk so kids will listen, how to listen so kids will talk

[@Annette818]

I had to be brutally honest to a friend who has hurt my feelings and lied to me for a few years, so I just let the truth fly! It was never a true friendship and I'm glad it's over.

[@rachelseibert7882]

So true and so excellent, thank you!

[@divinepiccolo9469]

i wholeheartely agree with you.

[@gavinchirevers3527]

Pure gold information 👌.

[@stevedouglas5443]

Yes, I've seen this unfortunate behavior. They see someone they admire, and copy their behavior. It's very important to practice critical thinking regardless of anyone else.

[@kelcritcarroll]

I loved the cancer scenario you presented here!

[@moisesjimenez4391]

Underrated video. Underrated wisdom.

[@mariammazboudi9760]

I totally agree!!

[@kathys754]

What if I don’t want to be perceived as “safe” because your energy is sucking the life out of me, and this is a round about way to get you to back off. Also, I’ve had cancer and some doctors were too blunt, it gave me an opportunity to speak up for myself, and as a nurse I can also relate to “caring” burnout.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Communication is strategic. So the choice about how polite to be in a given situation is always a strategic choice made in relation to the perceived costs and benefits, advantages and disadvantages of each choice.

[@raven4090]

I try to be tactful and honest at the same time. I appreciate the same in return. I think your suggestions will help me communicate better. I have autism and I have problems with talking to people sometimes, so I avoid it. I don't understand why people dance around the subject so you can't get what they're thinking, sugar coat things so you can't get what they're thinking, or even say things that mean the opposite of what the words they're using mean. Then they get angry because I misunderstand them. That's dishonest. If they don't say it straight, it's not my fault I don't get it. I agree that brutal honesty is mean, though.

[@Narrow-Pather]

Why not be both?

[@sharonnugent408]

I know so many people who can not tolerate my uniqueness no matter how tactfully I assert my decisions

[@emiliog.4432]

Honesty occurs when you either care about someone or (BRUTAL)you don't care what someone thinks or feels. People choose who they're brutally honest with. It's a power position and it depends on hierarchy. Look at how so many job supervisors, "bosses", treat and speak to employees., or a teacher explaining something to a student. Krauthammer was a bit much at times and I would never follow his advice on brutal honesty. Social media has opened the floodgates of brutal honesty and has led a lot of people to look foolish. I like what you said. Diplomacy. Tact and choosing the right words. It's a lost art.

[@kjbrocky]

Both.

[@lelisgraves8743]

He is absolutely right!!! I listen to the person he mentioned, you can’t be brutally honest… it cost me my position of 26 years of teaching I was involuntary transfer to another school!!!

[@lovewenwin]

No

[@dogblues4829]

Ok

[@RhythmInAll]

I mostly consider myselve brutally honest, though practicing tact my whole life. With many reasons, in numberous ways, from studies & training, to work or.... off topic. 😂 Though for me this shows a similar kind of tension, you mention between honesty and tact. Which do not need to conflict or contradict, nor any sacrifice to either, Yet to be considered in nuances. The latter makes it not blunt nor brutal, often perhaps even tactful & considerate, in several ways. Thanks for pointing that out, me being a fan of nuance & considerate clarity as well... Appreciated useful sharing & reminder 🙏❣️

[@NatalieG427]

Depends on the situation and people involved.

[@apacur]

Exactly

[@rui1863]

Being honesty, is what makes progress; otherwise you end up with sub-optimal solutions (poorly designed by committee). Unfortunately, this world is corrupt and being honest is dangerous. Here's a real example. I worked at a large corporation and was on a conference call for three days in a row where the database team was having trouble restoring the database without corruption. I thought they would figure it out as it was a basic issue. I didn't know the players on the call; however, after three days of failure I took myself off of mute and told them the exact problem they where having and why the backups were corrupt. The the project manger loved me because after that call the problem was resolved; however, the database manager did not like someone outside pointed out an extremely simple basic requirements for a valid backup. Needless to say, my employment with the company was short-lived after that. You can only be honest with people you trust or if you have political power in the group to do so.

[@geoffhalbert5435]

My neighbour was narcissistic he cost himself £250,000 & me £45,000 over a boundary line he damaged. He got his father-in-law and wife commited and his son taken away from his & to this day I have never had a conversation with him yet he is still a town councillor

[@sohiniisanyal7326]

I used to think ( subconsciously still believe) that spontaneity is honesty. After struggling to win anything with that ,i understand now, even diarrhoea is spontaneous. 😅

[@BeGioBijoux]

I agree we are obligated to sugar coat things I just hate it so bad. I’m no mind reader. Also, to the hell with making the afference.

[@beritmason8567]

I get tired of these CEOs with their platitudes that honestly are harsh and severe. Telling people to get up at 5am and all that horses&/(. Thanks because I am very diplomatic and kind always and I get much further ahead. (Europeans aren't boors like these US CEOs. They are much better behaved.)