Signs of Underhanded Ab*se

[@slauthordraws3363]

Another common aspect of this is implied or explicit threats that they will die if you leave them/accusations that you’re only with them out of fear that they’d die without you

[@valtiel9]

Sounds like my mother. If things weren't how she wanted them to go, she used these little threats, only I understood. She always played the martyr.

[@alineleal13_]

Yup.

[@KittyKraftVlog]

This is exactly what my best friend and I went through for two years.

[@TheobaldLeonhart]

Sounds like my dad, sort of He didn't say he'd die, he said he end up... In a white room

[@MDev1997]

Yes. That was used on me from my emotionally abusive ex constantly.

[@Raychel32]

It seems like underhanded abusers often don’t even realize they are being abusive. It just makes it hard to recognize. Especially the part where they put themselves down during apologies. thanks for calling this out! Needs attention . I appreciate your thoughts!! Wish 15 year old me would have known this... could of saved me many years of pain

[@lucifersshroud]

i definitely used to be this person and still struggle a lot to, like, not do these toxic things. i still find myself thinking about doing something/saying something to my partner/friend and i have to take a step back and be like ‘hey woah don’t you think that’s a bit much?’ to myself. i recognize that i’ve hurt people, and i’m not perfect, but i’m getting better at keeping myself in check. i’ve been on the other side of this too and it’s EXHAUSTING. thanks for making this video, for both people who are stuck with these types of people, and perhaps for people who aren’t realizing that they’re being like this to someone. it’s definitely important to talk about on all sides.

[@jamarajohnson4194]

Kelli Stark wow that’s really big of you to admit and recognize 💕💕💕

[@pinkstockingssystem5713]

Kelli Stark same here. I used to be so intense and obsessive, but I feel as though I’ve grown so much.

[@RCSDominoToppling]

Thank you for sharing! I think it's so cool that you recognized that about yourself and that you're, like, actively working on it. That's definitely something a good friend would do :) I actually used to be on the receiving end of this kinda thing -- for me it was my mom, not a friend/romantic partner, but it was definitely a similar deal. It's been really hard to recognize my own feelings about the situation with my mom as valid, and reading comments like yours actually helps in a weird way. So, yeah. Thanks.

[@soccerandtrack10]

I was both/irony=the getting hert forced me to understand and stop it.i was 75% anti,50% hero, then after high school= 0% hero,100% see the shadow because of the night lords legion.

[@dawnweaving7935]

Thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart. I was in a relationship for 10 years and never saw it as abuse. I left him a year ago and always felt guilty as I broke his heart so I am still in contact with him and apologise all the time when i hear how badly he is doing but watching your video you describe it to a tee. I no longer feel guilty and realise I am worth 100x better for myself. I am doing much better, I have my first job in 19 years, I have friends and I can smile again which I thought was so wrong because I abandoned this person. So again thank you and love to everyone everyday. Love all your videos. Xxx

[@gracepilz1501]

I understand exactly how you felt. I see myself in every single of your words. But you made the right and healthy decision and you should be proud of yourself that you had the strength and the courage to do what was best for you! 💐💐

[@dawnweaving7935]

@@gracepilz1501 thank u. X

[@KatieM786]

Sending you big hugs, wonderful stranger on the internet. Xx

[@dawnweaving7935]

@@KatieM786 thank you for your support hun. X

[@musiclolli7280]

I so relate.... I apologised so much for so long and they were so good at turning it around and we were stuck in a cycle of guilt trips like crazy.. I am so happy to hear anyone who no longer feels guilty and look forward to the day when none of us believe it.

[@frootjuice91]

I’m recognising a lot of these behaviours in myself... but I suffer from depression and I often feel like I need to resort to pity to ensure people I love pay attention to me because I’m so scared they wouldn’t otherwise. Working hard to change but it’s super hard when your self worth and confidence are so low.

[@TheEntropySystem]

Recognizing it is the first step!! Remember, it’s ok to ask for help. Just make sure that you’re respecting the boundaries of the people around you when you do so. People can change. I believe in you! -Daniel

[@frootjuice91]

@@TheEntropySystem Wow thank you for the encouragement, Daniel! I will do my best to overcome it and yes I am being extra careful when interacting with the people I love. You guys are so inspirational, thank you for doing what you do

[@micahmosse3876]

Hey! I recognize some of these traits in myself as well, and I'm someone who struggles with depression and self-esteem issues. Communication is key, and just make sure you're openly asking, talking to the people around you. Breathe and know that no one person can meet every one of your needs. Recovery is hard and non-linear. It's going to be okay!!!

[@Squidoodle]

All reasons i left my husband of almost 3 years. I didnt even notice most of the abuse until i left

[@teresahenson8939]

Squidoodle I lived with a man that did the majority of these on this list. It was hard to admit that he was being abusive and expert level gas-lighter. I hope you are doing better and are able to recognize these more so you are in healthy relationships! ❤️

[@WhichDoctor1]

I kinda feel like I was this person in my last relationship. Not ever intentionally but that all sounded far too familiar :(

[@Brandon-ik3ym]

WhichDoctor1 You’ve just taken a big step towards fixing the problem by admitting that there is one👍.

[@KeppaTheDutch]

The next steps are to apologize to the person you were with (if it's possible) and then try and figure out healthy ways to attend to the parts of you that caused the behavior. Like Daniel said, it often is a form of trying to get compensated for your own hurt

[@TheEntropySystem]

The fact that you recognize it is huge. Being aware of a problem is the first major step toward changing. I believe in you! -Daniel

[@georgerobins4110]

WhichDoctor1 It's really important that you recognize this and try to do better. It's hard to admit that you've been doing something bad to someone else that you care about. Realizing that your actions are hurtful is the first step to changing them

[@Sophia-cd2ci]

Me too, thanks for saying something. I feel like a terrible person for being like that. I know why I was, but an explanation is not an excuse and I feel really terrible. Thanks for saying something

[@danielasosa4964]

Watching this was scary cause I just realized someone I cut off not that long ago followed this exact pattern of behaviour with me. I really dodged a bullet there. Thank you for making this video, now hopefully I can recognise it more early on if I ever meet someone like this again

[@beesbrownies]

Thank you for also talking about how people are accidentally abusive/ toxic as well!

[@marq6929]

Yes, my ex-wife did this (but also used gaslighting and other methods), and I've seen friends and friends of friends who do this too =\ Now I understand what it is that my main protector has been warning me about with a new "friend." She's different enough from past abusers that we couldn't say what she was doing or be sure that she actually is toxic. Now I can see what he was sensing and put words to it. Thank you so much for sharing this! You've helped save me from another toxic relationship!

[@PostTraumaticVictory]

....mom? In all seriousness, thank you for this video!

[@ParanormalNewsToday]

You too, huh? This was like reading off a checklist.

[@toriprice9380]

I was like.... Dad? This video made me realize what was happening.

[@OkayAmit]

Post Traumatic Victory I get you

[@sadalien9049]

Holy crap. Like 99% of this seems like it's straight from my last toxic friendship. So glad I burned that bridge.

[@sweetsops..]

When someone says 'always' and 'never' often, I stay wary

[@wreckitremy]

Yeah also called covert abuse. That first one is also called love bombing. Most of everyone ive ever known has been like that

[@ParanormalNewsToday]

Daniel, you literally just described our... mother... to a T. Like reading off a checklist. Thank you for covering passive/aggressive/co-dependent abuse. It's insidious and it took us a long time to realize how toxic she was to us... and that's not even taking into account the trauma.

[@Kay_Jay_Pea]

Yay Daniel! I feel like we haven't seen you on the channel in a while, this is such an important topic to talk about and I'm glad you're covering it!!

[@goatvomit]

Hi Daniel! Great to hear from you! I am so glad you decided to make this video. I (and my system) have been affected by this type of abuse majorly. I had two horrible friendships who did all of these methods. It's a wicked mind game. I was friends with these people during the same time period. The things they did were absolutely unspeakable... Just to make sure I wouldn't leave them. I was just diagnosed with DID recently, and my therapist believes that one of my protectors was born of these horrible friendships, and that they definitely contributed to the PTSD we have as well.

[@ligaozolina5273]

I had this type of relationship a month ago, it was really confusing and hard to deal with, it doesn't look like abuse, but it feels wrong deep in your heart 🙁

[@emilylong7912]

I was “friends” with some twins from work who were exactly like this. It went on for months before I finally cut them off. They stalked me like crazy, wanting to know my work schedule so they could come see me, liking photos I had posted years ago, and texting me like every 10-15 minutes. It was exhausting and I feel so much better after blocking them.

[@KrissyCreature]

Man this happened so much to me and anyone who does these things makes me put my walls up. I'm so traumatized from this abuse that I go into lock down.

[@faeoori]

This is powerful. This type of abuse can be hard to spot but it must be escaped. Thank you for sharing

[@aardvaark]

Daniel, THANK YOU for making this video. Years ago I was dating a person who did almost all of the things you talked about in this video. I always thought his behavior felt like abuse but it wasn't obvious, he didn't hit me and all the times he shouted or yelled at me, it was always about him being a shitty person and undeserving of my love. And it's really awkward and uncomfortable to have someone literally shouting at you about how they don't deserve you because they're awful. I don't know. Watching your video has kind of opened my eyes to all the other things he was doing that weren't okay and were abuse. It's been years since this relationship and I'm now with a person who treats me so well, but watching this video has given me closure that I didn't realize I needed. Thank you.

[@katrinamarie4143]

Holy. Shit. Mind blown. It's scary how much I related this to my life. Thank you for making me see things in a healthier perspective

[@cristianewartha4624]

I have a friend like this, i knew something is wrong and abusive, but never had a name and an explanation so well done. Thank you!

[@morningstarcollective4671]

We suspected it, but this confirmed that we know someone in this situation. The abuser is not a monster, but incredibly, dangerously, toxic.

[@nancydan1234]

This video made me cringe as it brought back some awful memories of a previous relationship. Believe it or not, I was in my mid-50s and an independent single Mom yet I fell into this behavior. It was all about him and his feelings, the final straw was trying to put a wedge between me and my sons. It took a few years to get out of that relationship and several more years to move past it mentally. I felt like I was broken. Thank you for sharing this information, Daniel. It was very informative.

[@itsQUINNderful]

Ah, look at that. My ex fits most of these. I knew something was up when he flipped a total 180 and started blaming me for things I've never done, then tried to make me feel sorry for him... that's when the relationship started to die for me, but I thought it was because of his past and I tried to let it go. But it never got better, so I ended the relationship. Thank you so much for tuning this into light. I knew something was wrong... I'm so glad I got out when I did. He's a toxic person disguised as a godsend.

[@Curfy97]

oh fuck. I've..... definitely done some of these before. I've given empty apologies and overused generosity before. gods, I didn't realize. Thank you for making this video. I knew I was doing something wrong, but now I know the name of what it was and I can make sure I don't do it again. Seriously, thank you so much for talking about this.

[@blackwater224]

Wow great video and I actually dealt with someone who underhand abused me and family when we let that person stay at our house because she told us that she was homeless. It took her a year to move out and honestly she traumatized me to the point where I don't trust anybody other than my family at our house. I'm glad you posted this because now I know what I experienced and can definitely pass this on to prevent it from happening again.

[@llama__96]

Wow. Thank you so much. I have an ex-friend that ticked all of these boxes. Im. a momma bear instinctively so I was always an emotional support for him. But I myself suffer with depression and I remember multiple occasions when he’d blame me for not being there for him-while I was having a really bad episode. I remember him constantly trying to send me money “just because” or “because you’re the most genuine person I’ve ever met/I’ve never met someone so nice.” I was unemployed when we met so we had more time to talk, but when I did start working again and didn’t have 24/7 time for him, he’d get ridiculously upset. He thought he deserved all my time. He would tell me that I was treating him different or that I was doing something wrong, and “I know I’m a horrible person but I can’t believe you’d do this to me.” I reached my breaking point after I had a horrible episode and had a full blown panic attack. I texted him and told him i was hurting. He ignored that and an hour later texted me memes. And got increasingly upset when I “ignored him” knowing full well the state I was in. For days he did nothing but blame me and say “well actually it’s my fault and I’m sorry I see that now but I never expected that from you, I know I’m a crappy person but for you to do this? Etc” Thank you for validating my experience bc for months I’ve sat here and genuinely thought I was a horrible person for removing him from my life.

[@ingylu]

I had a very similar experience a couple of years ago with a former friend. Almost exactly as you described. Remember, we are not horrible people for taking control of our recovery and wellbeing. I'm so glad you're out of that awful situation.

[@Kariyobinga]

You're describing my narcissistic mother to a t. Thank you so much, Daniel! Oh man...

[@jaybird2048]

I have left 3 lengthy relationships because of these things. Thank you for making a video to raise awareness

[@kikinoir8083]

Only 2 mins in and this has to be one of the best videos on this subject I've ever seen! I just went through this for about a year and a half and it was a nightmare and boiled to needing to call the police. Please get out if you're in this situation! It might seem impossible but that's because that's where they have your brain/mental health.

[@thevoidborn7524]

Wow, I just got out of a three year relationship, and the last bit about all of the oweing and everything, the past few days have made me realise how toxic and abusive this relationship sometimes was. And then this video just put it into perspective. I know for a fact my ex didn't do any of this intentionally, but. Yeah, just, thanks for this vid, it really puts it into more perspective for us

[@cornflayks]

this rings true for a relationship i was in for several years. i’ve become more aware of these red flags over time, but i can still slip into the part of my personality that’s too nurturing and naive. but! with the help of my therapist, i’m learning how to establish stronger boundaries. ☺️ thank you for validating my experiences and calling them what they are.

[@snatan7594]

Holy crap that's what that was? Thanks for giving me a word for it guys! ❤

[@gina17na]

Thank you for this video. As a person diagnosed w/ a Dissociative disorder it’s hard for me to deal w/ maybe also being an underhanded abuser at times... it’s hard to sit w/ knowing both sides of the coin and wanting to be a consistent, good natured person...

[@lucah128]

Thanks so much for this! I just saw my abuser yesterday and its rly difficult to not engage/go back

[@mirandacombs7277]

Thanks for sharing. I recommend The book "The Gift of Fear." it has very similar information about utilizing your gut instinct and recognizing danger.

[@MsAuburnluv]

This was a HUGE part of my marriage, and it made it hard to leave. But I’m so glad I can see the signs and not repeat my mistakes.

[@user-vl6xf6ud2k]

Oh my god, this is how my sister-in-law treats her mother. I was concerned to see it at first but didn’t realize that it was something so deep. Thanks for bringing it up 😢

[@alexsandra9000]

THIS VIDEO is why I watch your channel! You are incredibly perceptive and well educated! I don’t have a disorder like yours, but I learn so much from every video you make. You have helped me in ways no one has ever helped me before. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Please don’t ever stop teaching and making videos like this.

[@MadKarinStudios]

Your guys videos make me happy and feel valid. It helps me understand my system and the reasons behind it 💕💚

[@andreacharlton2696]

Well damn... This is why I had to cut off my last friendship. They made me feel so guilty for doing it but now I’m glad I did.

[@KatieM786]

6:34 Here you basically describe someone I was with for 5 years. It was so insidious (and I had an undiagnosed ASC) that I didn't notice until years into the relationship how isolated I had become. So glad I am out of that. Thanks for this video, I'm sure it will help lots of people.

[@josefins3675]

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this video! Thank you for helping me understand why my last relationship was such a struggle, and to shake off most of the guilt for "leaving". Also, when Daniel said the thing about the abuser not recognising the abuse for what it is, I felt like a heavy weight lifted from my chest. I just couldn't stand the thought that the abuser had done this to me on purpose.

[@Lisa_Flowers]

Does anyone have any suggestions about how to be in healthy relationships and ask for/give help without resorting to this kind of behaviour if you were the abuser/have these toxic tendencies? I've never gone the full gamut of what's described here, but I definitely recognize the potential for some of these toxic behaviours because I have unknowingly engaged in them. I'm guessing more knowledge on boundaries is a good place to start?

[@k.a.3614]

Yep. Knowing your boundaries is key. And also remind the other person that if it is out of their boundaries it is tollaly acceptable and even good if they tell you no. That you want them to tell you no if it is outside of ther boundaries. And if you think they struggle with knowing and enacting their boundaries then remind them often. Because what makes it this unhealthy behavior is that the other person gets the feeling that they have to overstep their own boundaries in order to be good human beings, in order to help the other person not feeling horrible. If you tell them you feel bad when they are oversteping their own boundaries you help them not feeling guilty and bad when keeping within them. But your actions also have to show that you respect their boundaries. If they tell you a boundary, if they tell you no, don't guilty trip them. Accept it and instead on focusing on their boundaries concentrate on how you can solve your issues in other ways. On your own. For me it is ok if my bf tells me no. Of course I might feel sad in the moment, I might have needs not met. But I it is ten times better that having him oversteping his boundaries. I would feel worse knowing he is oversteping some for me and thus feels bad himself. My BF and I had to learn this, and we did (he teaches me a lot while he is going through therapy).

[@twistedyarnball-personalac9217]

Wow. This really shed some light on some of the relationships my host has been in in the past and helps me protect us from this sort of thing. Thank you Daniel! -👊Ren

[@JupiterLight28]

As a weak and tired person(usually because of depression) I try my best not to effect others or ask of them for anything but I see how my acts of kindness and vulnerability may come off as manipulative when I try so hard to do the right thing. I realize that I do it to make myself feel better. I went though something rough and I realize I did some of these things without knowing it. I acknowledge that I was toxic. Trying never to do it again because it crushed me. I try to let people know that they can tell me if I’m pushing things too far. The hard part is when they don’t speak up I can’t tell if I’m doing it or imagining things because I over analyze. I can be a bit difficult to deal with so I don’t want anyone suffering for it.

[@jazmineniennaserenity8708]

I've had 1 ex partner with upper and underhand abuse and 2 ex friends with underhand abuse that did this to me before I realised how to protect myself from such. I didnt realise the abuse before it got so toxic, I was having panic attacks frequently and switching problems. It is soooooo sneaky and easy to get caught up if you're the helping kind of person

[@stephanietarsia8155]

It took me 25 years and 4 years of therapy to realise that my mom does and still do meny things you mention. Thank you for helping meny people to star watching this behaviers and thinking that maybe that relationship is kinda toxic.....

[@christaclevenger9581]

Thank you so much for this video, it’s very helpful. I’m so sorry I can’t watch all of it ;-; it’s kinda triggering some people in the system. Thank you Daniel for covering this topic! -the sweater weather system

[@del_paco.64]

If there was a "Love" option along with Like & Dislike, I would press the hell out of it. Thank you for helping me expose someone to our host. I couldn't have explained it to him very well.

[@musiclolli7280]

Thank you so much for speaking about this - it is a type of abuse so often overlooked and so hard to put words to in order to explain it. It steels our voice and makes us feel crazy...we truly thank you

[@atlaslalonde9482]

This video made me realize that I have not only fallen victim to abusers like this, but I myself have done some of these. Definitely turning things around, and I'm grateful I've worked really hard to recognize and better my toxic behavior. But it's also kind of intense listening to this and realizing that the negative friendship I had that recently exploded into bits that this is exactly what they were doing to me for almost 10 years. A little shaken not gonna lie. But proud that I'm working on myself so I never treat anyone like that again! Thank you for the video!

[@brinashiloff3439]

This sounds like a past friendship I had. I didn’t have any other friends, she would ask for me to hang out every day all day. She would drain me like a battery but I still felt like I needed to help her. Make her feel better. She would apologize then cycle back. It would leave me off balance. I already had issues with making friends. So I thought since she would always want me to hang out that she was my friend. It just never got any better. And when it started to take a toll she would blow up. Around and around things would cycle. I have known for a while it was... not healthy. But I have never labeled it as ab*sive before... Its a strange label. Highly powerful. Almost makes up the guilt I still feel sometimes for leaving the friendship... thanks Entropy System. This helps

[@annabelle3549]

Sadly, I easily saw myself in this. I was in a lot of pain, and I needed a way to vent. I feel bad... I shouldn't have done that.

[@Adara007]

Thanks for dealing with this type of abuse. I had a so-called friend who displayed most of these traits. These types tend to be narcissistic and they hone in on those with empathy who are usually people-pleasers due to narcissistic parenting. It takes quite a lot of work to develop decent self-esteem, boundaries and to be comfortable being assertive. Once you have these, narcissistic types tend to avoid you. P.S. It's good to see you again, Daniel.

[@HandWarmingRobot13]

Videos like this are really confusing and stressful for me and I need to stop watching them. I have definitely falling victim to this kind of abuse - so far as to be raped by the person multiple times and have them view themselves as the victim of that action on their part because of the guilt. They eventually admitted they had a big victim complex and it all came together. The confusing part is worrying that I'm also the kind of person that would do this, but I have CPTSD and know that one of the symptoms is very low self esteem/self opinion and I often worry that I'm the bad one in a relationship (even when I am actually being abused myself or even raped, I still pick myself apart to see how it's my fault). When Daniel started listing actual concrete things a person who was abusive in this way would do and ways they would take advantage, it became clear that I don't do these things. I don't accept or ask for money from my partner, I don't ask for help when it's inconvenient (if at all), I won't constantly call, I encourage them to go out and do things without me no matter how miserable I am feeling in that moment or how hard it is to be alone. I think frontloading this video with red flags - such as asking for help, seeming vulnerable, talking about having low self-esteem etc wasn't necessarily the best because these things can be true of someone just genuinely suffering, and as long as they are not followed by the abusive actions you mentioned they're not abuse. A good example of this is talking about buttering your partner up by telling them they're special in some way. My current partner is genuinely the first person I've been in an intimate relationship with that has treated me so well - specifically things like asking before touching me or trying something sexual, listening to and caring about my feelings, not telling me I'm a bad partner for not constantly meeting his every need/desire,. Since I've been chronically in toxic and abusive relationships, it's just true that he's the first person to treat me so well. So of course, at some point I end up mentioning it. My partner and I talk a lot and I know that sometimes he feels like he's not doing enough for me and feels otherwise insecure so it's come up then to remind him this isn't true - although less worded about my past experiences and more telling him positive things like how safe and loved I feel etc, and it's also come up early on in the relationship when I was shocked and surprised to be treated with such kindness. adfjsajskdf I don't know though, I just find things that deal with grey areas hard and I wish there was a better way to talk about them

[@colorblockpoprocks6973]

Exactly my response to the video, I'm glad I wasn't alone there. Your feelings regarding the subject are super valid. Nobody really talks about nuance in situations anymore. Much love to you!

[@stoneyvowell1239]

I really like your explanations. I've been doing a lot of research on this subject especially when it comes to narcissism, BPD and some other conditions. But I think you kind of got more to the point without all the extended over technicality

[@marleyabbott7203]

please read the pinned comment

[@stoneyvowell1239]

@@marleyabbott7203 how do I do that?

[@GlowingMpd]

Wow Daniel! Your voice has changed a lot. Deeper or older maybe. I love it but always loved your voice. 👍

[@nezgoatly]

You’re so incredibly caring. Thank you for sharing this important information. Hope it reaches those who need to hear it.

[@allisonlongmire6696]

Thank you Daniel for making thia video. We just recently asked for a separation from our 7 year marriage because of everything you've described here. It took ages to get up the courage of our whole system to do this because we've tried 2 times before only to get improvement enough to get me back and then it cycling back. It's been hard having him be a roommate till money and a place shows up and feeling if being in this murky limbo of not knowing what to do next or how to do it, figuring out healthy boundaries and holding to them, and juggling having a 6 yr old. But this video gave me hope that our system is on the right path and to hold strong. Thank you so much and we love you fir helping us through our path these 1 1/2 years Entropy system! Much love, The Rainbow Pheonix Collective

[@Cosmic_Horror]

Hi Daniel- I commented on this a while back when I first came across the video. I just wanted to let you know that watching this is what made me realise that this was happening in a very close friendship of mine. Throughout the friendship, I knew the friend was a bit problematic but I didn't notice a lot of the stuff that was going on, and how they were using emotional leverage to break down my very reasonable boundaries. Without me realising, after enough time they were making me feel awful for not putting them first every waking second, or not cancelling my plans for them. They actively tried to turn me against other friends who took the attention away from them, or take advantage of me being willing to help them out. I ended up miserable and juggling too many things, making allowances for their very manipulative behaviour trying to help them, and it wasn't healthy. Thank you for helping me recognise that even though I cared for this person, and they weren't trying to be "bad" or whatever- their behaviour wasn't ok. I've been able to remove myself from that situation, and life is better now 💙💙

[@kj-sf4md]

Thank you for the enlightenment-♡

[@daisy.xoxoxo]

thanks Daniel, this helped us realize the person who was supposedly our "best friend" was actually just using us for attention and whatnot

[@emelygraham2748]

This was so helpful thank you for making this

[@MDev1997]

THANK YOU for talking about this. I wish when I was in my 2 year long emotionally abusive relationship back in 2013-2015 I had had a video like this. I didn't realize it was abusive until I was already out because of things like stealth control. That was his biggest tactic. Like instead of saying you can't hang out with any of your guy friends (which would have 100% made me leave because I won't let anyone TELL me what to do), he would just say "Well, I get really anxious whenever you hang out with other guys and I can't settle down or stop checking my phone to see if you left their place yet because I worry you'll cheat on me" which made ME feel bad for putting him in that emotional state. I realized all of this was the case as soon as we broke up, but boy do I wish I had realized it sooner and saved myself so many years and from so many of the issues it caused that I'm still working through today.

[@karadalziel]

This 100% describes my soon to be ex husband to a T! So glad I got out when I did but had no idea at the time this is what was happening. Now I'm not with him anymore I have been able to see what was going on and I try to make other people in my life aware of warning signs like these. I'm so happy you made this video as it will definitely help so many people!

[@nyssalynn5216]

The last relationship I was in was ripe with this. Thank you for making this

[@bexn5817]

This is one of the most important videos I've seen and it's very well done, in a simple to understand yet well researched manner. I greatly appreciate it! As a "people pleaser" most of my life, this took me a long time to recognize in others. Awesome job!

[@november8994]

thank you for this video. a lot of this describes what we dealt with all of the time as a child, when we were in a relationship a couple years back, and even to this day thanks to those same people from childhood. no one really talks about it much and we've known it was abuse, but not really understood what to call it or what was and wasn't abuse. this helps so much -sadie

[@milahoon4987]

Thank you for making this video! I wouldn't have realized how bad a certain friendship was for me without it! I knew their way of treating me was making me feel bad but I couldn't place my finger on it, until now. Important video done well!

[@katiemyers5758]

I and my friend group cut someone from our lives quiet recently. We're all only realising now how toxic and abusive this person was. This person also did this to my Mother also (even when she was sick). This person would act like a charity case, use depression to garner pity ( I have depression so I really wanted to help). I won't go into huge detail but this person hit almost everything on the check list you guys have provided. Thank you for your video, love your content 😊.

[@Parrot5884]

This perfectly describes the relationship I was in two years ago. I never thought of it as abuse, so thank you for this video.

[@mommajen4118]

Daniel - thank you so much. You’ve given my feelings words which I didn’t know how to verbalize.

[@connormclaughlin1806]

(TW for details of domestic abuse) As of 12/31/2019, I have been out of an abusive relationship for 2 years. I don't think it was intentional because of his own unchecked and severe mental illness but that does not excuse his actions nor erase the responsibility. He was all verbally and emotionally abusive, using this tactic. He would consistently (almost nightly) call me past midnight during his panic attacks, threats of harm to himself if I left, and when I would try to call him out on his BS, he would almost every single time say self depreciating (like you mentioned). Thank you, Entropy System, for creating this video, shedding light on what abuse can look like, and validating the trauma I have from that relationship.

[@mymentalmind6257]

Thank you Daniel for helping me figure out what our ex was doing to us. This was why we left him, thank you so so much for putting a name to it and helping us realise we weren't crazy

[@Luckymune]

I knew someone who would make people pity and care for them in an abusive way, i kept warning people but they had so many people wrapped around their finger

[@ingylu]

I cut someone out of my life because I noticed they were making me ill. I didn't understand until now what they were doing, I just knew that they were bad for me. Thank you so much for making this video because I occasionally feel bad about removing my friendship from this person, but now I know I shouldn't feel any guilt for looking for myself.

[@wenature651]

I went through this type of abuse when i entered my first relationship, and i never knew it counted as sonething as intense as this. Im so glad it's getting talked about and i can learn about what i went through in a healthy way.

[@switchery8964]

I was under this abuse by my birth parents. Thought I finally managed to cut them off for good a year ago, but some of the other direct family members are not very understanding & gave away my information after explicitly telling them not to discuss me with my birth parents. The abuse of being sent a stupid expensive amount of gifts I don't need with no way to stop it is very triggering & terrifying, but those who gave away my information doesn't have the foresight to see how this has already played out the same way many times before & in their own la-la land believing this time will be different, short of cutting off my entire birth family which I can't stomach, I don't know what to do :(

[@samanthahaggstrom3707]

OH MY GOSH WE LOVE YOUR ZOMBIELAND SAGA SHIRT

[@sophinxbeakie7054]

You are describing my life. I don’t know if I can go through that cycle again anymore, now I know why it’s just me and my kids. Thanks Daniel. Leia? Must’ve noticed that you needed extra support. Pets are so intuitive.

[@TheEntropySystem]

Leia just loves being on camera lol but she is a nurturing soul when we need it. -Wyn

[@sophinxbeakie7054]

I have noticed that she is in nearly every one of your vlogs, even if it’s just for a quick video run through. “Hey world, I’m here and I’m cute” 🐱❤️

[@monkeysaplatanados2]

This summer I have only just discovered I have ptsd from a long abusive friendship. Watching your videos has really helped me in terms of truly understanding these situations and handling them. I experienced a lot of underhand abuse and this video was really helpful; however, because underhand abuse is not often talked about and is hard to pinpoint I feel very invalid in terms of stating I have ptsd. I often feel like I might just be overreacting.

[@ambregris]

My former best friend was/is like this. Pretty much all the signs checked. We became friends because she was actively reaching out to me and I didn't have any friends at the time, so it was a welcome change. Suddenly I was her best friend, and I thought, okay. It's so strange to think how quickly things escalated to the point that I was the only person she could rely on, trust and have "healing" conversations with. On top of that, she would sometimes bombard me with suspicions of lying, spending time with other people, talking badly about her to others... It took 6 years to realize she couldn't change, no matter how much we discussed the matter and how much she apologized and felt bad. I've had this issue in more than just one close friendship, and am extremely careful of making new friends. I don't think she is a bad person, she has her own issues and this behaviour is certainly one of them. I hope she gets the help she needs and gets to work on this. Friendship and love are not economic transactions (as in if you buy a gift for someone, you are entitled to use that person as a personal therapist), they are fostered by mutual respect, acceptance and nurturing.

[@fizzaqureshi]

Omg I just got out of a toxic friendship with a girl who was exactly like this, to a T, everything on this list. She also abused her bf, in a more overhand way than the ways she did to me, and thinking she didn’t recognise her own behaviour I tried to speak to her about it....you can imagine how bad that went. I really hope in the future I won’t give the benefit of the doubt again like I did so so many times this time around

[@JuMixBoox]

I recognised do many of these patterns from a previous friendship... I'm glad I ended that, but I still sometimes feel guilty for it and for not changing her so others don't experience the same. I'm glad you are making this video, it is so important!

[@AnneB2]

Thank you so much for this video. I have experienced so many of these types of behaviors from people I was close to for a long time, and it took me years to recognize how damaging they were to my own mental health and cut them off. I'm sure this video has and will continue to help many people in identifying these behaviors as a form of manipulation despite seeming "not so bad" and be able to have enough outside perspective to take action and get out of the toxic situation.

[@georgerobins4110]

Thanks so much for this. I got out of a toxic relationship really early because of these tips, so he wasn't able to do very much damage. Still kinda fucked me up a bit tho

[@thevoyagesystem]

Not only this, but it often becomes a chain of abuse. If a parent is taking advantage of their child in this way, a child may know that it was abusive but then they struggle to tell the difference between abusive behaviour and asking for help 🍀

[@thevoyagesystem]

Which causes the child to struggle with finding the balance between being abusive and getting the help they need.

[@Princesslov27]

Thank you for making this. It is a hard thing and as you said not talked about as much.

[@mariafilo2688]

I watched this video a while ago, and it made me realize I was doing this to my loved ones. I hadn’t even realized that what I was doing was harmful to them. Since then, I have been trying to become a better person, but I always end up circling back to my old abusive habits, which is why I decided I should distance myself from them, at least until I improve (but probably more. For as long as they need). Here’s where the issue comes through: I can’t convince them that staying away from me is their safest option. I have even sent them this video to try to make them realize that I’m abusing them, but they just think it’s my bad self esteem and say I’m not making them help me, they want to help me. I have provided evidence, I’ve sent them this video, I have debated it with them back and forth, but I just can’t convince them. I know I’m absolutely not in the place to ask for help here, but I’m just asking to try to help them out: Does anyone have any ideas of how to convince them I’m abusive and toxic and that the safest option for them is getting out of this situation? I really am trying to become better, but until I actually succeed, I can’t risk hurting them any more than I already did

[@ceekay3143]

Listening to this makes me automatically think of Gypsy Rose and her mother Dee Dee. Dee Dee definitely used pity and similar tactics to control her daughter and the people around her.

[@megantaylor2871]

Thank you so much for this video! I wish I would have seen this video when I was in- not one- but TWO of these relationships at the same time. I wasn’t able to recognize the problem until I went to therapy for depression and not being able to take care of myself properly. I was not able to see what was going on while I was in the situation. I’m grateful I had other people in my life to help pull me out.

[@-Laska-]

couldn't better describe my mom, ever since she got dementia ten years ago lots of love to you all from germany

[@Totally_Glitched]

This was a super informative video! I didn't realize there was a name for this particular type of abuse.

[@Cosmic_Horror]

Oh fuck, I have a friend who really engages in a lot of these behaviors very consistently. Have been aware for as long as I have known them that they engage in some toxic tendencies. I kept a fair few boundaries up because of this. However - have been made to feel very guilty about these boundaries numerous times. This video is really enlightening and makes me realize that having my boundaries is nothing to feel guilty about. I also feel I understand the situation I'm in a lot better. Thanks so much for such a well articulated video of the signs, I didn't even realize these behaviors were part of such a trend.

[@linchan7271]

Omg... :( I feel like I'm doing this to my boyfriend. How can I stop this? How can I know the difference between "I really need help and want to share my feelings" and "this can wait"

[@missjoolee]

Maybe have a talk with the bf about this video. Express your concerns and your want to do/be better in the future. If he assures you that aren't doing this, Great! It's healthy to have that talk and to create boundaries together for both of you to follow when it comes to supporting one another whether you are doing it or not. Now that you know about this, you can actively be more diligent at spotting a behaviour earlier and putting a stop to it or adjusting it to remain within those boundaries you've set.