Social Trauma and Finding Belonging (CPTSD in Autistic Adults)

I have struggled my whole life to find belonging amongst my peers. As an autistic person, I didn't know how to form the connections necessary for friendship. I became isolated and developed severe CPTSD (complex PTSD). My CPTSD was due to the social trauma of being autistic and unable to navigate socially. I did not receive my autism diagnosis until age 40, so I spent most of my life thinking that my social problems were my fault. In this video, I discuss my experiences and how I'm trying to get better with dealing with people.
00:00 Life on the Periphery
01:02 Trigger warning disclaimer
01:18 Traumatic social experiences of an autistic child and teen (trigger warning)
04:57 My response to trauma
5:29 Desperate for connection and vulnerable to bad actors
06:46 The consequences of complex PTSD
07:37 Dating and cPTSD
08:06 Friendship and cPTSD
09:52 Learning to be vulnerable
10:10 Realizing I still struggle with C-PTSD (autistic social trauma)
11:28 My barriers to connection
12:15 Being vulnerable
13:38 Steps to stop isolating
15:05 Thank you for watching!
#autism
#cptsd
#anxiety

[@ProudlyAutistic]

What are your thoughts on friendship? Do you try to be social or is it not for you,?

[@skachor]

I tried for quite a while, but I stopped when I recognized I was doing it because it's what I thought I should be doing rather than what I wanted to do. I even tried getting jobs with more social interaction to them, but as easy as other people can make it all look, I have to admit I'm clueless. I also don't tend to reach out. I seem to always have some hobby I'm neck deep in and manage to completely forget unless its like 3 am and I don't want to disturb them.

[@merg-vh5sx]

I just found an autistic female friend and it's the best thing ever. (I'm a woman.)

[@dianak4461]

I have only recently come to realize I may be on the spectrum (I'm a senior citizen) as several family members have been diagnosed. I have three long-time close female friends. I am realizing, upon reflection, that these three women may also be neurodivergent. It's hard to describe, but (in short) we speak the same language. I find them easy and safe to be with. We don't see each other often, but stay in touch with some regularity, usually through text. They're the kind of women who will drive you home from your colonoscopy or attend your son's wedding days after a hip replacement. At present, I am giving myself the space and grace to not be social as I sort through a lifetime of social anxiety, missteps, misunderstandings, and a level of naivete that left me vulnerable to predators. (she, her)

[@ecogeekmama]

I only have a couple of good friends and both are Audhd. Anyone else is an acquaintance.

[@Periwinkleton]

I like talking to strangers most; however, a good set of friends is vital to growth. If they struggle similarly or are compassionate, it's much easier to be expressive. Very lucky to have enough support from people in my family and friends.

[@jonathaniszorro]

It's not that we don't want to be social or have the connections, it's that when we try to it's usually very uncomfortable and sometimes traumatic. Thank you very much for sharing your stories and doing such a great job explaining the real root causes. I am regularly impressed with how well you explain aspects of being autistic that others seem to only scratch the surface of.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Thank you 💛

[@cyniful]

You and Orion and a few other youtubers always make me cry. Not in a bad way but because I finally feel understood. It only took 53 years..... Thank you for sharing!!

[@ctlo4403]

Try watching interviews by dr. K from healthy gamer. Those have helped greatly. Blessings.

[@cyniful]

@@ctlo4403 Yes I like him also. Also Dr. Kimberly.

[@user-kv3gc9eu9p]

I’ve learned to 1) be very choosy 2) accept I get along better with men than women 3) keep my own counsel 4) know which geographic areas I fit into best. Number 4 has been particularly important for me. Places that require a high degree of conformity tend not to work. Places where there is little social policing have worked out better.

[@skachor]

"4) know which geographic areas I fit into best" I'd just like to emphasize this point because I think it's been a huge are of improvement in my own life. I had lived in the same town since birth for near 40 years. I recognized that I was unhappy, there was nothing new or interesting to me going on in the area, and I think maybe I even held some negative emotions from places that constantly reminded me of difficult times throughout my life. I upped and moved 1000 miles away to a new city. The culture difference is larger than I expected and is definitely for the better for me. I've managed to get diagnosed with ADHD, ASD, and started going to school to find a more fulfilling field of work since then. I'd even say it kickstarted a desire to see more places and interact with people!

[@heedmydemands]

Keep my own counsel sounds like it would b very tricky for me. I feel like I either talk to people or not, so trying to keep my own counsel would b isolating

[@heedmydemands]

I also get along better with men than women as a woman and it's tricky when u r in a relationship

[@heedmydemands]

And another thing, lol, yeah changing location does change how people r. My small town I'm from was good to get away from, I found better places

[@ProudlyAutistic]

These are great points. Thank you for sharing 💛

[@turntablez504]

Nice video! I can relate to a lot of what you said. Having discovered my autism as an adult, I have mixed feelings on relationships with others. On the one hand, I'm relieved that there is an explanation to this sense of being ostracized that I've had my whole life. On the other hand, I feel despair at the thought of there not being a complete solution to this. I can only mask so much, and it doesnt matter anyway because people can tell something's different about me no matter how hard I mask. But then there's nothing I can think to do other than be kind. I cant mold myself into a neurotypical person, and many NTs cant help judging me because thats their conditioning. Its all unfair, but its nobody's fault. Its just how things are right now. The best way for me to alleviate my own suffering is to forgive people and wish them well. This is hard to do sometimes, but its my goal. The trauma abyss that is a lifetime of being alienated seems to diminish the more I learn how to properly process resentment and allow it to fade away. Its likely a lifelong journey of learning and Im okay with that.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

This is a sad, but wonderful comment. It's a shame we must tolerate so much, but you seem to have a good attitude about how to navigate the struggle.

[@uviewer714]

As someone who has spent a lifetime studying the behaviors of normal people and countless hours honing my skills at mimicking those behaviors, I am absolutely shocked by your presentation. No, no, no you aren't supposed to do it like this! You've broken every rule in the book! Seriously, thank you so much for your courage in putting this out there, for opening up, and for your honesty. I am learning so much! You are an inspiration.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Thank you 😊

[@LiliDrawsT]

You described my life in pure accuracy. I was one of the few lucky ones (not really but let me explain), that managed to find weird kids in the playground or became other people's little pet or just a "boy's girl" and tomboy. I also found neurodivergent kids in highschool, since I studied in arts which is prevalent with weird kids anyway. I still got bullied all throughout my life, experienced abuse at home in several different contexts, neglect from both parents (who are also Audher and witnessed them being abused and mistreated and bullied all throughout my life, which is deeply traumatizing in it's own way), and so much more. Once I entered the adult life, it's when things became increasingly precarious and even life threatening. I had no coping skills, no discernments and no real ways of keeping bad people away from me for good, which got me to almost lose my life, in really bad dangerous situations that were abusive and precarious. Fortunately, I later went to college and finally found myself learning essential survival skills and social skills to navigate social situations more safely and with much more clarity. Still, I was ostracized and bullied and manipulated several times, by people I thought to be my friends who at some point were also my flatmates. But for me this was the step into the right direction, because these people were at least normal and geeky like me, unlike the type of people I kept attracting that were really dangerous and not good. Only recently, after about a year, have I finally learned what the hell I was getting wrong in life and why everything went wrong in every aspect of my life down to the smallest thing and why I could never escape abuse and toxic situations and people. For the first time ever, I started looking for jobs that didn't heavily lean into my difficulties and that I felt I could manage much better and that was the start of my journey to now. Technically, I've been doing this, since the first day I've been looking for work in my early adult life and can now see how I've certainly been avoiding certain jobs that had things I knew I couldn't handle or do, that were usually implicity stated in the job description. I figured what my limitations were (without knowing I was autistic) and tried to go from there and have empathy and compassion for myself along the way. The last job I had, was the first one where I felt I actually did well and that I felt I could manage doing long term (up to a year, which I've never been able to and am 26), but once more, I was bullied and ostracized at work on my first week and felt deeply discouraged and anxious. During my time there, it's when I finally realized I am autistic and everything in my life started making sense in every single way possible. Still, there's no support, I'm still trying to get an official diagnosis and I still struggle and can't find stable employment where I don't encounter bullying on a daily basis, and am not forced to quit due to burnout and mistreament. Either way, I'm really happy to find out this piece about myself (despite having known I might be "aspie" since I was 16) and finding a stable community on the internet, which didn't exist 10 years ago and more.

[@frankhack7562]

Yes. We are a herd animal and we will endure abuse to have the illusion that we are part of the pack. Have reached the age 60 and have developed a thick callous and with that does come freedom if you enjoy your own company.

[@AlanA-xp5qk]

Until I was self-diagnosed, I spent hours each night for decades trying to analyze what I did wrong to drive people away or upset them. I would rehearse future social interactions and words to say (due to my stutter) and get frustrated when that didn't work. In high school I even read books on how to tell if people like you and memorized positive + negative gestures people naturally made. Elementary, primary, and middle school were hell with a severe stutter (and autism that I didn't know I had). I spent 4 years crying in a school janitor closet for about 30 minutes to an hour 3 days a week. I still cannot remember people's names very easily as a result of all this trauma and also naturally distrust most people as well. If I wasn't currently in public education, I would make my own KZbin Channel about this unique perspective of stuttering as a person with autism. I can't find someone on KZbin doing this yet, but I'm sure there are people out there. One topic I would talk about would be the liberation of AOL instant chat in the 1990s. I'm 43, now so it was a big deal it was when AOL Instant Chat started as teenagers. I remember being amazed about how much better people treated me on AOL chat in the mid to late 90s. It opened my eyes to how unfairly I was being judged by others in person as well. Anyway, I think the most profound obstacle we continually run into socially (even as adults) is continuing to be perceived as "alien" or not quite normal by neurotypical. Yo Samdy Sam made an interesting video about the neurotypical perception of us (based on the Uncanny Valley concept) called "Why do autistic people seem weird?" Note: She's totally autism positive throughout the presentation. Watching it helped me understand that it's not our fault or why we were singled out and constantly picked on mercilessly as children-it's a neurotypical perception issue Socialization with autism is a huge topic with so many different viewpoints. I have learned to be extremely choosy about who I consider my friend and just accept that most people cannot overcome their natural aversion to people who are different.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Great comment! We seemed to have very similar social experiences as children. I never stuttered (at least not prolonged), but I definitely can see the correlation. As far as online communication, I think it has been a game changer for our community. However, I do worry about those who overly rely on that means of communication, especially when it doesn't lead to meeting the people IRL. People can be much different in person. In regards to being "alien", yeah, NTs immediately know we're different, just like we know they're not like us. The difference is that we're constantly surrounded by people unlike us, it's exoected. It's the reverse for them. It's unusual to come across us and it can make them a bit suspicious. Thank you for your support!

[@VisceralGravitas]

My observation is that the unspoken neurotic group norms of society is that anxiety is contained and managed through narrative stories (often cause & effect) personally and collectively. Neurodiverse and autistic people process anxiety more in the body and often are over sensitive to environment; which leads to sending confusing signals to others; along with no bandwidth to track other people's non-verbal social cues. This blindspot to constantly changing social norms leads to added anxiety for neurodiverse people; spiraling to more confusion, the excess anxiety bleeds or floods onto others; contributing to their added social demands, exclusion, dissonance, etc.

[@skachor]

It always amazes me how much your experiences mirror my own. I remember going on a camping trip for a summer camp or something, it was an overnight thing and we brought our own tents. In the morning, I found myself 'locked' in my tent because the other kids had tied the zippers together. At least I couldn't see if they were laughing at me. But I also remember, one night, there was one girl who, while I was just alone throwing rocks in the lake, came to talk to me. God bless people like her. And my current best friend, who I met through work and admitted to me that other coworkers found me difficult, but that just made him want to 'get it' more. He honored me with the chance to be the best man at his wedding. There's been some definite highs and lows, but it's really reassuring to know that people like you and like my best friend exist.

[@livenotbylies]

God bless you. Thank you for sharing. I went through a similar public school nightmare. Make social spaces optional for autisitc kids so they can take it at their own pace.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

I'm so sorry. It's so traumatic. To simply say we were bullied seems like an understatement. Yeah, I've told my oldest (autistic) that I'd support their decision to home school if it ever got to be too much. Thankfully it hasn't. They knew at an appropriate age and I've worked really hard to empower them and teach them to deal with bullies. They have hard days, but overall it's going ok.

[@livenotbylies]

@@ProudlyAutistic do you have any resources for teaching autistic kids to navigate bullying? I am in the process of teaching that skill and I am less than confident in my own skill in that department

[@depleteduraniumcowboy3516]

Trust? No thanks. IDK, maybe I'll figure it out, but after this long it seems like a lot of work and I feel comfortable alone. I hope you progress in the way you desire.

[@AgnesBalla9602]

You just described what I went through… what you said brought me so much bad memories back 😢 it is so good to feel that I am not alone in these experiences! Thank you for sharing them! Helped me heal part of my soul❤

[@ProudlyAutistic]

You're but alone 💛

[@seed.meditation]

@@ProudlyAutistic My support with both of you.

[@b6234]

I became friend with a feral cat, I adopted it after a few years. I wish I had a partner but all my relationship were terrible so I have anxiety that prevent me to even trying to meet a new girl. I see people including family maybe 5 to 10 time per year, I usually don't see anyone during all winter. Instead I connect online with people around a gaming community, they are not close friends but they are people to say hello to, every day.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

I also had numerous bad relationships. I finally found myself another autistic person (neither of us knew at the time). I spent 2 years pushing him away. I was so afraid. Honestly, I was probably a lot like your feral cat, not knowing what to make of kindness. Please take care of yourself, there are good people out there. I understand it can be painful 💛

[@mindonthespirit1543]

I can relate, it seems easier to connect online in social gaming community. 😊

[@beckybradley5753]

I struggled a lot being bullied and ostracised at school and I didn't really know why. A coupe of years ago I was diagnosed with autism, it was helpful because I understood some of the things that happened in the past

[@ProudlyAutistic]

I'm glad you finally found clarity.

[@heatherrae901]

I’ve got two low maintenance friendships, meaning we stay in touch via texting but I likely won’t get together with them. I wish that I could but it causes me such discomfort. It’s the hyper focus on my body language and trying to make sure I seem engaged when really I’m struggling and wanting to escape. That’s just where I’m at lately.

[@NFSMAN50]

I find this relatable as a man. With friendships and life, ive experienced the same with you. People used to bully me, because i was emotionally reactive as a guy lol. I was not like the other guys, and i had more of a feminine, non masculine temperament about me, and i used to cry and get upset whenever people were mean to me. Im doing better now, and ive met more friendly and respectful people. Great video Karen!

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Yeah, I do think it gets better with age. Both in that people mature and we learn who to associate with. Glad you're doing better now.

[@CarlGBrooksVO]

Your story is mine. We’ve shared similar paths based on your story and I still have this cycle happening to this day. Thank you for this mirror. 😊

[@janetcolletti]

Really love your channel and your openess. ❤

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Thank you 💛

[@allisonandrews4719]

Nope. Just wait until you’re in your 50s. You’ll be freer. You’ll be happier. But zero friends. None. Your friends on the spectrum who haven’t insisted on standing up to bullies by 45 will abandon you if you grow up and say enough is enough. If you ever protect yourself physically understand you will have zero friends. Rock on!!

[@user-kv3gc9eu9p]

💯

[@rinkydinkron]

Can you elaborate?

[@depleteduraniumcowboy3516]

IKR? I guess I have a few, due to work. Once out I suspect I will have none and that idea doesn't bother me.

[@rinkydinkron]

@@depleteduraniumcowboy3516 IKR🤔?????

[@ctlo4403]

Absolute truth. Zero family, zero friends but safe. Safety for this life. Yes it’s extra hard. Our lives are far too precious to be contaminated by the inevitable filth of human disturbance. Humans are apes. Don’t be FOMO’ed. Don’t long for the fake pointless togetherness promoted by society if it is a lie to us. Blessings.

[@eyalguz6303]

This is partly the reason I do not want kids and never did. I have exactly zero fond memories of pre-teens and teenagers. That is aside from the fact that I do not have the energy (spoons) to take care of children.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Yeah. My oldest is autistic. I think having an autistic parent (who is transparent about it) goes a long way. They've grown up knowing who they are ok and learned how to rebuff bullies. I do struggle with energy though. I perpetually exhausted.

[@tracirex]

you are worthy of friendship. I was bullied daily in elementary school. too bad we weren't in the same school. I would have befriended you. thanks for sharing your details. it helps us draw common threads. you have a really good birds eye view of your life experiences.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it 💛

[@jasminegill6473]

I just love how thorough you are. I can relate to a lot of your inner thoughts and hesitations. It does take effort on our part; putting ourselves out there and it takes some self talk along the way. You’re doing great!

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it.

[@CB19087]

Had many "friends" who I classed as really valuable to me, only to be left out of their birthday and wedding plans. One wedding I was invited to I found out I was the only person who wasn't invited to the hen do. That's when I learnt that acquaintances are confusing. I avoid making acquaintances now and only invest in people who return the investment

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Though lesson. I've had similar things happen to me.

[@maxpower3328]

all this rings true, i totally relate, nt world is cruel, as a male Aspi ,they were more scared of me more than anything else , even though I'm peaceful, no friend's early life, one parasite in high school, which I only realized years after, people just run from me, consequently had and have no one and no life, the sooner it ends the better, not a sad thing just tired or traumatization every day not really human....🙃

[@its.Lora.]

I relate to this a lot, so much it surprises me because for so long i didnt realize there were others within the world like me.

[@julierhan]

I feel for you so much. Thank you for sharing. I can relate. Kids are so cruel to anyone who is different. I suppose the silver lining is that now in adulthood, we are able to more deeply understand why we were shunned.

[@Beecosy]

Hugs. So articulate, thank you for sharing, so brave. This is why I can only befriend small wild animals that visit me. Trust is gone, self preservation is paramount after decades of trying. PS we belong but don't necessarily fit in.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

"We belong but don't fit in." I love that. I hear you, my social circle is very small. I trust the people I connect with, but finding those people is difficult.

[@valdkynd]

Thank you so much for this. I'm feeling the loneliest I've ever been right now and can so relate to all you've been through.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

I'm sorry things are difficult right now. I hope things turn around soon.

[@valdkynd]

@@ProudlyAutistic 🙏 thank you so much!

[@b6234]

thanks for sharing your story.

[@NeuroSpicySheri]

I am so impressed with your ability to share, in great detail, your life experiences through the lens of autism. I can do that in my head. But I’m not yet able to tell those stories to others. Also, I’m so grateful to learn more about you in each video. I feel an authentic connection.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Thank you Sheri, I appreciate your support.

[@Flomcy]

Karen... Thank you for sharing this experience, i really feel better knowing that im not alone, a few years ago (matbe 10 or more) nobody speaks about it...... Is relieving know that we can make it in life even with all this obstacles we have every single day 😢😊

[@ProudlyAutistic]

I'm glad you found it helpful. I like to think our experiences make us stronger, although I'm tired of constantly being tested. It would be nice to finally be able to relax....

[@ecogeekmama]

I’m so sorry it was so hard in school and all the sleepaways. My stories older and current are so similar in so many ways.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

I just goes to show that we're not alone. Many of us are walking similar paths. I hope things have gotten easier for you.

[@Tenacity88]

Thank you for your authenticity. I feel connected to you.

[@thechaostrials1964]

I don't have a single friend. Not one.

[@neroow2258]

Hi, we are at the same page. 😢 I can relate what you are feeling. Its tough to be at the situation. Feeling lonely and unlovable. Yap, its still struggle for me to face this kinda situation. Send you a hug from afar.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Thank you for your kind words.

[@williamphanz]

Friendships are great, though maintaining them has always been a struggle for me; I probably didn’t have enough masks to maintain them. Looking on the brighter side of having fewer friends is having the bandwidth to pursue the things I wanted to pursue at the depth that I wanted to.

[@Tenacity88]

Omg....I had the exact experience in school with not talking. I did not experience any physical violence from peers, but I went to the library for lunch also. I have never talked to anyone else who experienced this.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

I'm sorry you went through it too. I like to think it made me stronger. I hope things are better for you now 💛

[@pamelaf.2776]

Not only was I bullied in school because of my autism, I was also abused at home by 2 sadistic and narcissistic parents and siblings. I have a very difficult time with friendships and connections. It is very lonely. I'm 57 now and I'm afraid this is going to be my life unless some kind of miracle occurs.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

I also had a narcissistic parent. I'm sorry we share that experience. It definitely sets you up to be manipulated and hurt in adulthood. I hope things improve for you.

[@Flomcy]

Not you are not alone, I'm an 50 's adult with autism & adh , with a failure in marriage, failure at work, failure at any part of my life but with a big desire of live as best as I can, I was wondering a s you, maybe one day a miracle will occur and change my life😊😢, but don't worry yes wen can after the fifth decade... Best wishes for you 🙏🏻🫂

[@Oshiiiiiiiiiiii]

Hopefully you are proud of your survival skills, that's a tough hand of cards!

[@pamelaf.2776]

@@Oshiiiiiiiiiiii Yes, that’s the one thing I do have is grit. Bruce Lee I think said something like “Do not pray for an easy life, but rather pray for the strength to overcome a hard one “.

[@WoohooliganComedy]

Thanks, Karen. 💖🫂

[@FatherJohnny-oh4dh]

What's truly unfortunate, is that no one was able to notice, or care enough to notice something is wrong when you were looking down. If that's a problem, we can understand there are solutions. Unimplemented though. Based on priorities.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Agree. Thank you for this comment. That's the thing that gets me. I wasn't talking! There's no way I'd let my children go through that for 10 years without getting it checked out. Fyi, I was constantly in the guidance counselors office. I didn't realize that was odd until I was a parent myself. This is actually a source of trauma for me relating to people who criticize those for not being autistic enough. I clearly should have been evaluated for autism in childhood, there were enough signs, even in the 80s. I wish people would understand ability/desire to mask doesn't mean someone is "less" autistic. It's just more internalized.

[@FatherJohnny-oh4dh]

@@ProudlyAutistic You weren't talking. In order to address your childhood difficulties with the other kids, we would need to address their environment at home, their parents, and various other things, which becomes undoable. Nowadays, there is some progress. Realistically, talking and keeping silent, doesn't address the things that require the attention (lightly said). The bully, the thief, the office secretary, the doctor, and so forth, all have trauma as well, just a little different, based on circumstances. The painting that represents, is a bit too complicated for the human mind. You of course may have the ability, desire and opportunity to pay attention to your children, access information freely, and address as much as is within your control. Even the smallest, most subtle ripples, can be noticed. But our parents were a little different. I don't know how to deal with trauma, except for "I have someone to speak with, not just about my childhood, or difficulties, someone who can understand at least half of what I'm saying". This can with time allow inner confidence to burst out. Traumatic experiences may be partially dealt with on a subconscious level by the mind, because I'm that of mind, we can internalize strength and weakness. Call me crazy.

[@ThePrairieChronicles]

I'm so profoundly sorry for all you've endured. ... I'm SO sorry.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

It's OK. It's mostly in the past. Made me who I am...

[@ThePrairieChronicles]

@@ProudlyAutistic It's actually not ok. But... I'll drop the subject. Other than to say once again I'm _so_ sorry. And to say it's truly to your credit and strength that you continued, despite it all, to blossom into an amazing woman.

[@lisbethchristensen1981]

🏆 Amazing Video ❤️ Thank you Karen, for sharing your story. As an autistic woman, It means the world to me, to be able to see informative videos like this. I also live with cptsd, and it's definitely not easy, finding friends. But I'm hopeful that i might one day, in the near future, be able to find actual friends.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Yeah, it's hard, especially when you're older and people are busy. I did find success with meetup groups. That might be something worth looking into. Good luck 💛

[@lisbethchristensen1981]

@@ProudlyAutistic I completely agree. I'll look into that. Thank you Karen. 💛

[@aroneurodiver]

sorry to hear about your horrible school experience. I agree where you say reach out to those who reach out to you. I disagree on the you have to accept invitations etc. part of balance for me means not accepting every invite, letting some friendships go that can't sustain themselves, I can't be a copy of a neurotypical friend and they have to accept - to a degree - that I have a different social need structure.

[@wisecoconut5]

Listening to your story made me feel sick. I am so sorry you were treated that way!

[@ProudlyAutistic]

I have great people in my life and am ok now (aside from the cPTSD). It does make you wonder where the adults were....

[@lesliegann2737]

I relate a lot to your story plus having a narcissist parent such as you've gotten into in another video. I was bullied right off the bat when I started grade 1. My parents had immigrated from England so the kids didn't like my English accent. I had a friend once who wasn't bullied had kept his English accent whereas mine disappeared within a year in an effort to blend in. I think in my case there was also an issue of a speech impediment, lisping mostly along with talking younger than my years. Another factor is that my mother infantilized me in the beginning (later I was parentified). I really feel that these things plus my life at home with inattentive alcoholic parents set me up in the beginning of my school life to some extent whether I was autistic or not.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

I'm sorry you lost your accent for those reasons, that's so sad 🙁 Yes, dysfunction at home definitely sets you up as it lowers your self worth and desire to defend yourself. It numbs you to a lot. I hope you're in a much better place now 💛

[@lesliegann2737]

@@ProudlyAutistic Thanks Karen. Losing my accent wasn't the issue so much as that I'd be bullied for it in the first place. Your videos hit so close to home that sometimes it can be quite triggering. I'm 71 now and live a nice peaceful life with my hubby. We figured out together that we are both autistic and have ADHD. He was also the scapegoat of his narcissistic family like I was with mine. Thank you for the great work you're doing with your channel!

[@roberttravers7587]

Great video!😁

[@lindaversil1121]

I also had selective mutism from K to 12. Couldn’t say a word in school and was bullied everyday for all those years. Even teachers yelled at me to talk. This was in the 60’s and 70’s. My parents thought I was a freak but never did anything. They just told everyone I was shy

[@ProudlyAutistic]

My situation was very similar. My parents never sought help (to my knowledge). It's really hard to believe what they turned a blind eye to now that I have my own children. I can't imagine watching my children going through the same thing and doing absolutely nothing.

[@lindaversil1121]

@@ProudlyAutistic my father would tell everyone I was socially retarded. I had no friends. I did play with younger kids and act like an older sister to them. My mom would always yell at me to look people in the eye and speak to people and would force me to answer the phone

[@Rowganlife]

30 seconds in...nailed it.

[@dianak4461]

Thank you for this vulnerable installment on such an important topic. The situations you experienced were heartbreaking to hear. I share a similar journey and send my heartfelt best wishes as you navigate life ahead.

[@rustyscrapper]

The school system was utterly clueless about autism and all the other disabilities, but somehow know the right answer was always prescribing drugs.

[@youtuber-cc8sx]

Society in a nutshell

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Not for me. I just went to the guidance counselor A LOT. It wasn't until adulthood that I realized it wasn't a weekly/monthly thing for most kids.

[@kristinhawkins5757]

I barely have any friends. I am also the victim of at least a couple religious narcissists, so I am currently shunned and defamed on a mass scale, so isolation is sadly the norm for me. I’m even scared of safe people right now due to that. 😔

[@ProudlyAutistic]

I'm sorry. I have a narcissistic parent and was also in a long term relationship with a narcissist. It took a lot of self reflection before I allowed myself to date again. Maybe journaling would help? Good luck 💛

[@mindonthespirit1543]

Yes. I had friends but they didn't last and some used me for money - no real friendship. Like you, I have selective mutism. We had similar school experience. My cats and my dog are my best and only friends. And I love them. ❤ Trust is hard because my mother brought me around a lot of bad people and some innapropriate experiences left me hyper-vigilant. My relationship were exactly like yours. 😢 Sorry I'm all over the place.😂

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Don't worry, you're in good company... I come with a disclaimer that I ramble 😂 I'm so sorry about your mother. My parents were negligent, but in different ways. I still got exposed to inappropriate things way too young. I hope things are better for you now. Thank you for watching ☺️

[@mindonthespirit1543]

@@ProudlyAutistic Thank you. I'm glad I'm not alone in that. And things have gotten better in ways - but that leads to my asking, since you spoke of loneliness: what do you think about isolation if one doesn't feel lonely? Since I have animals it doesn't feel lonely. But I am told by my father that my isolating is not good. I understand it is good to have friends and get outside, etc. And I'd like to have a good friend, but I am quite content alone as well. I actually feel more lonely around my father too since he didn't bond with me, or protect me from bad people and situations - I always felt like a nuisance or a burden to him therefore I stay a "out of his way" but I don't know how to tell him that. And thank you for making the videos. I enjoy watching. ❤

[@defense360]

I love your videos Karen!!

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Thank you 😊

[@damienclarke9854]

Trying to put all of that angst into some hobbies that might make social engagements less tragic in the future. Had some bad school, work and life experiences, still getting triggered, reducing my social activities. Trying to get back to something like it used to be without the fake stuff.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

I really think the key is hanging out with people who share the same hobbies and/or are autistic. However, there will still be misunderstandings now and then and I think those will always be a bit triggering. It's just part of our journey.

[@kellyschroeder7437]

Relate 💞🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻💞👊

[@claiomhdubh]

I've tried my whole life to be social, and I defo crave connection with others, but recently came to the realization that I'm not very good at it. Currently going through that "My trust in others is shattered and I want to withdraw from everything" phase, after some particularly nasty bullying by people who I mistakenly thought were my friends. Perhaps worth noting that these folks actually called me friend, in conversation, so it wasn't confusion. Just bad actors. I dunno... I still crave connection, but I'm afraid to go through that kinda torment again. Maybe I'll try again in a few years, when the isolation inevitably gets to be too much. I feel like I can't trust my own judgement, or my assessments of others' character. Always see the best in people, even the people who hurt me, and that makes me a prime target for predatory individuals and opportunists. Until that gets sorted, trying to find a place to belong is way too risky. It's not that I lack resilience, but after 4 decades of this kinda trauma I'm not confident that I can survive any more emotional gut wounds. I'm trying to adjust to life as a newly hatched AuDHDer. I don't need all this extra, regardless of how lonely I often feel. Have a small handful of close friends, and that'll have to do for now. For now I'm too scared (and still too hurt) to feel confident that I can trust people again. (apologies if I overshared. don't really know where that line gets drawn on that kinda thing)

[@claiomhdubh]

For what it's worth, I appreciate you taking the time to compose this video. It's a subject that's relevant to me, and the validation that watching this has provided feels good and was much needed. While it's sad that others know all too well what I'm going through, it's heartening to know that I'm not alone. So thank you for this, and for all the work you do to help us all feel seen.

[@Rowganlife]

I am SO sorry for what those monsters did to you.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

I'm ok now. If anything, a little too tough and jaded. Thank you for your support 💛

[@auberotte1794]

Somehow even though our experiences seem very different, out off all the Autism-KZbin-Channels i watch i can relate to you the most (almost completly) in every single video. I am not even sure if i have some PTSD. But listening to you and your reactions and interactions and how i feel about most people related stuff makes me think maybe there is alot more than i realize or know of. FYI: Just got my diagnosis couple weeks ago at 37 (m). I often try to be open and social but peeps usually avoid me, or i am the one talking and at some point i don't know what else to say and the other person is not saying anything besides answering questions.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Congrats on your diagnosis! Yes, seems like we share the same challenges in communicating with others. Always doing all the work and not getting much in return. Also, PTSD is very common for us. If you think about our life experiences, it's pretty easy to see why. Good luck on your journey and thank you for your support!

[@auberotte1794]

@@ProudlyAutistic Thank you very much for your reply.

[@lauratyhacz185]

Thank you for sharing this video. I related so much to your experience right down to my belongings in the toilet. What's up with that, btw? I still struggle with belonging in some enviroments and can often flashback to those middle school years with the sense of rejection.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Immaturity. I will say it gets better with age. Not much though. It has a lot to do with the company you keep. Confident and secure people seem less inclined to be so petty.

[@visionvixxen]

lol. I’ve always been the several hit wonder. First one they really want to get to know and get real close real quickly until they make their deeper friendships and kind of find a year later.

[@AUsTISTIC_RENegade]

Hi Karen. I can relate to some of this. I’m a 49 year old late diagnosed Autistic female. Ive also got C-PTSD, from childhood trauma. Growing up i never fitted in. I never wanted to go out,home is the only place i wanted to be. I had friends growing up but that person changed all the time. In my friend group i was always the one on the outside looking in. I played netball growing up from 6 years to about 22years. Even playing team sport i would be on the outer. I didn’t want anything to do with the team. Working life was more of the same. I had work mates, but had to be nagged to go out with them. Again i felt on the outer. I stopped working about 7 years ago now due to medical reasons so my work mates are no more. Out of sight out of mind ( from my part). I just stopped keeping in touch with them. My sisters were my best friends, but i no longer speak to either of them anymore due to them taking advantage of me. My best friends now are my 20 year old niece and my three dogs. It’s the happiest I’ve ever been. I think being undiagnosed as a child, my mum just wanted to push me to be social. My 13th birthday party was a disaster. I had about 10 kids over from school and netball and i ended up locking myself inside after having a meltdown. Ive always been happy and content with my own company. Friend have never been for me. One of My earliest memories is sitting on the back porch with the dog, its still the same some 46 years later.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

I've had similar experiences with friends and being on teams. Wanting to be included but uncomfortable with it at the same time. Thank you for sharing.

[@tracybartels7535]

You sound a lot like me (I'm not diagnosed with anything- I live in the US and can't afford it). It is easiest to be away from people. The video said to accept invitations and messages, and at my work I talk to people, and I used to volunteer and talk to people, and online I talk to people and I'd try to help them and make them laugh, but I found I never got those messages or invitations, while others did. I tried inviting people occasionally and that never panned out. I have a couple out-of-state friends from college, kids about to move out of the house, I'm deciding to live online parasocially unless I happen to run into someone who seems likely but I can't say I trust anyone, I absolutely know where it's headed for the past 40 years. So much easier to befriend fictional characters or people you will never meet and therefore can't reject you, just being aware of your place so you don't bother them. The world is almost kind of set up for us now. You can almost imagine you have so much despite having so little.

[@rustyscrapper]

I wonder if part of the problem is, normal people have this black and white idea about relationships and they classify people as either your my friend or your my enemy. I have had this happen to me. I'm not interested in being someone's bestest bestie in the entire world, and all of a sudden it's oh! You don't want to be my friend? OK then we are ENEMIES FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!! and I'm like fuck man! Lay off of me go away! No I don't want to fight with you! I want to be a distant acquaintance. What is the problem? I dont want to be your friend or your enemy! I want a BUSINESS relationship. Thats it man!

[@alisonj9533]

Im 63 and its too ffn hard

[@lindsay3793]

Are you me? 😮

[@nnglnd]

When you learn to care less about what people think of you life will get easier. Ask yourself does that persons opinion matter?

[@ProudlyAutistic]

That's generally how I live my life. It's isolating, but I've managed. My point here is that I've started to need to be more social for professional reasons. Inevitably, misunderstandings happen. I've realized those insecurities from childhood still pop up, even though I've trained myself "not to care."

[@AmyThePuddytat]

I have an acquaintance who was bullied like this in school, and it's impossible to be friends with her because she just doesn't really like or trust people. She is charismatic but introverted, so people like her but she is drained by their presence. When she is in need, I offer to help (actual help, not bs unsolicited advice) but she prefers to suffer. She's very occasionally bored enough to want to spend time with a human being, and I get used to relieve that boredom by having a great time, then I don't see her for ages. Since she's incapable of loneliness, she can't understand that it's painful for me that I mean nothing to her.

[@wisecoconut5]

Whoa! You assume too much! "Since she is incapable of lonliness" says a lot about you and your own inability to be truly empathetic. It is not impossible to be her friend! She simply isn't meeting YOUR need to be entertained by your friends.

[@neasahayes6044]

It's sad that vile small minded nasty people force another human being into a corner like that. Unfortunately the bullied person loses out on so much throughout life because of people who let it be said are the problem not the target.

[@AmyThePuddytat]

@@wisecoconut5 My ability to perceive that she is different from me regarding loneliness is the very opposite of lacking empathy. I gave no indication that she doesn’t entertain me. We definitely entertain each other, but that’s it. I think of friendship as more than merely hanging out, but instead actually liking and caring about each other. She is, on one level, my best friend. At the same time, we’re not friends at all because if I were going to die for lack of $100, she would just let me die and not miss me.

[@somethinderpsterious]

​@@AmyThePuddytatyou must freak her out. Lol.

[@AmyThePuddytat]

@@wisecoconut5 Well, I can’t ask her because now that we don’t live together, she hardly ever bothers to see me. I just relieve her boredom when I am conveniently available nearby. Maybe she will want to hang out next month, and then as usual she will talk to me for hours until she wears herself out. She will ignore texts in the meantime, because she doesn’t care about my feelings. She is very charismatic and beautiful and I love her dearly, but she will never really be a friend to me. She has told me that she has never loved or even been attracted to anyone, despite having had several boyfriends. She stopped bothering with dating around five years ago when I met her. Asexual introverts just don’t really like people, so it’s painful to be fond of them knowing you’ll never mean anything to them even if they say you’re a fun friend.

[@skachor]

First!

[@ProudlyAutistic]

😂

[@LoveLoveStrong]

I appreciate your story telling and your advice but the ending lost me. It makes it seem like it was a choice to isolate ones self or trust that they will find the right people. Was it a choice for you to experience the exclusion you went through? Not everyone has a(healthy) family or friend group that is just waiting by the side magically to be reached out to.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

I don't have a family waiting for me as I went no contact a decade ago. But I did have plenty of friendships that I let die because I didn't reach out. My suggestion was to make sure you continue to check-in on those people who do seem to care before they stop caring. Don't let your anxiety be the reason those friendships die. In absence of that option, it's relatively easy to find/meet people with common interests, especially if you live in a moderately sized city. You just have to be vulnerable enough to show up to those events alone and put yourself out there. I did this a lot after my divorce when I literally had no one. It's uncomfortable, but it gets easier.

[@LoveLoveStrong]

@@ProudlyAutistic I have and am extremely vunerable by choice and just that being who I am. I refused to let this abuse take that away from me. Yet your advice can be helpful for some and hurtful to others. It takes weight of the reality in those situations and people that we do not have any control over and places back on the victims back. Why not try harder? It's just that you didnt do this. Yes it's true we need to make sure to water our friendships that show up for us, especially if we are the ones neglecting them. These are yes helpful actions but not one fits all solution. Like you I am also no contact with my family. I should have gone no contact much sooner but it was this line of thought that kept me exposing myself to them and people like them. I kept thinking I need to be more vunerable and reach out although all the signs were there for me not. I hear what you are saying but I just want to speak up on this. I know you mean not bad intentions and neither do I. In an ideal world it would be so nice if it was that easy for everyone just to try harder. Not everyone is in that season where they have safe people to reach out to and can make the mistake of wishing that the cause of a rift or issue with a not safe person is theirselves. Because then THEY can fix it and that's is what they want. But all too often it's not the same feelings of the other side and they take advantage of that. Narcissitic abuse makes you feel powerless for a reason.

[@andoncroft]

Your adorable and CUTE 😇

[@somethinderpsterious]

You're* a simp

[@James-ik8fn]

Yea and use you at work...because thier lazy....ignore the guy sexually harassing you on here in wired way....

[@James-ik8fn]

I don't have any friends either I live were everyone had their nose in everything....what do you do?