Asexual Imposterism | Am I a Fake?

[@oldbadname3633]

One I dont think was mentioned here was "For being asexual, I sure do think about sexuality alot."

[@christineburk4026]

That's not uncommon. Sometimes it depends on what causes those thoughts and feelings. Being aroused is one thing, but being sexually interested in a particular person (who could be a complete stranger) is another. There are many microlabels on the Ace and Aro spectra.

[@cloudii8291]

The thing is, is that it’s PERFECTLY FINE to be wrong! If you find out in the future that you AREN’T actually a-spec like you thought, it doesn’t make you a fraud/lier. Identity is a journey, labels come and go; so it’s best to just go with the label that feels most accurate to you in the moment, and be open to the idea of possible changes in the future.

[@SpaceyAces]

Exactly!

[@Trees...]

More people need to hear this!

[@jclyntoledo]

Okay that's good 😆 bc I was wondering about ppl who I told I was demisexual and then realized way later on that I was not anywhere near the ace umbrella. Turns out I'm just sex indifferent to typical hetero normative stuff and not around anyone sexually attractive. And when I am I just lack the motivation to do anything about it unless it's going a romantic route but my crushes which are mostly romantic usually die fast. I have also realized I dated a bunch of ppl I was not sexually attracted to since they felt safer and avoided those I was sexually drawn too. This mixed with mental blocks I have and me denouncing certain thoughts and urges due to shame related issues around sex is basically why I thought I was demi. But nope now I know I'm just sex indifferent to typical hetero normative sex (PIV/penetrative sex) and crush in stages which means the idea of anything sexual with another person feels gross and weird until much later on. Btw... if anyone relates 😆 please let me know I'm not alone.

[@savvivixen8490]

@@jclyntoledo You're not alone. I personally fall out of sync at bits of your story, but you're not alone.

[@anxiousoptimism5517]

I thought I was demigirl for a while now I'm pretty sure I am gender apathetic but my favorite is to be referred to as they but otherwise don't care.

[@evarinagarmguardian113]

I wish you included: "What if I want to be ace (or aro) because the religion I grew up in has repressed my sexuality and I can't face that fact/can't tell what I am?"

[@lonelylittledot]

YES! It's such a struggle, honestly...

[@acereporter266]

I still identify as straight and yet my faith played into this .... My faith taught me "don't have sex, don't even think about it." I said "OK no problem" and thought it was a reflection of how holy I was. LOL. 👼

[@SalivatingSteve]

This is what I experienced. Especially as a man who just wants some cuddles and practice kissing lol. But nooo society has been poisoned so girls scream bs like “all guys only want sex!” and in middle schooler immature fashion go “ew! Gross! Boy cooties!” when I just want to hold their hand!!! WTF???

[@anisah8546]

I relate to this so much!

[@brookemcgilvray3781]

I think I fit under the Ace umbrella due to my antidepressants. They severely decrease my libido and sexual thoughts. I don't know if your Ace due to chemicals, if that's the same as being authentically Ace. Part of me resents it, part of me is relieved. I wonder if I'll be alone forever because of it and what if I can't fully accept that? Am I always going to be a bit jaded and kind of angry about it? Which is kind of where I'm at now. Is it fair to put that on some new person? I feel like I'm in a different kind of limbo. It's weird.

[@daceygravy]

My experience with imposterism is that I'm an "indifferent" ace with an allo partner, so we *ahem* get "busy" quite a bit. Most of the aces I've met are more on the "repulsed" end of the spectrum, so I've always felt a big disconnect between me and the ace community, and like I possibly don't belong here. It's a weird feeling.

[@SpaceyAces]

Thank you for sharing your experience in this space! I hope we make you feel as welcome as possible because you are so valid and most certainly belong in our ace community here.

[@copiumforthepeople]

it's the same for me. I also have kind of a libido, so it gets really confusing sometimes and I doubt my gray/ace identity a lot.

[@itsmesawako]

That’s very similar to my situation; I also consider myself “indifferent” and I have an allo partner too. I’m still questioning where exactly I am on the ace spectrum, but I’m going with gray ace for now. Thank you for sharing this experience. It helps me greatly to know there’s others out there like me :)

[@teijaflink2226]

I feel confused too or I'm not sure if I belong into asexual community. I definitely know that I'm straight (that I can feel attraction to people even if rarely) but really can't see myself having a partner and I honestly feel guite repulsed when I think about having sex with another person. Why I'm not sure if I'm asexual (or what type) is because I have heard asexuals don't feel any attraction towards other people (which I clearly do some times) and for that reason as example can't be straight and that most have a libido and even enjoy sex, just not attracted to people. So I kind of feel like I'm the opposite to most asexual people (at leastthose asexuals that I have heard of, maybe there are more like me they just don't see themselves as asexual). I have been thinking perhaps I'm demi but I really don't want a relationship, anyway my sexuality definitely is not the norm ( I don't any any other woman like me) but still I definitely specially don't feel that I'm part of lgbt+ or that I have right to be as I know I'm straight even if I at the moment have interest to be with any man. So I for sure struggle with feeling as an imposter or not belonging to anything as I'm so different when I look at other straight women my age, almost that it has made me feel shame as society often gives you certain expectations.

[@mikeyangel420]

When I think of myself as an asexual I feel free, like I've sprouted wings and the sky is the limit. Like I have room to focus on myself and not be restricted by relationships. When my family makes comments about needing to get married before it's too late or the classic "you just haven't met the right person yet" I feel a heavy weight in my chest. Like there's shackles on my ankles and I'm shoved into a confining box that dictates my life.

[@greenteadreams5182]

I never heard of someone being ace in my real life so sometimes I doubt myself that I'm some made up internet identity. I just wish that there was more ace visibility because it feels so isolating.

[@SpaceyAces]

I'm sorry that you've had to feel so alone. Probably doesn't help since I'm a random person on the internet, but I actually am a human in real life, too, and so are many other aces! Thank you for sharing and, in essence, contributing to asexual visibility if only through the internet. And just so you know, we know your asexuality is real and valid.

[@davidorozco7244]

thats my situation now :(

[@pescadobaby]

feeling like asexuality is not "queer enough" can be extremely damaging in my experience. i would actively look for aphobia online and then feel awful for weeks because of my findings. now i don't do it anymore because i have researched enough that i am sure of the reality of our struggles

[@SpaceyAces]

I did the same thing! I would scroll through comment sections and see one acephobic comment (something irrelevant like “that’s not bIoLoGy”) and dwell on how terrible that made me feel. I just hope that I can do a little bit to make the acceptance trajectory a little bit shorter and less painful for others. Thanks for the comment! ❤️

[@YawnyCatBird]

Allo queer-normativity is just as damaging as allo heteronormativity!

[@OziCastle]

Why would you want to feel queer enough?

[@elllie3630]

oomg this is me Im like im not in the community but then Im like I go and look at acehobic things and feel hurt. Im still in that space kinda but working on it

[@cosmicg111]

Imposter syndrome mixed with intrusive thoughts is the worst

[@strelitziamystery21]

I remember when I finally figured out I was Ace, my first thought was "Do I even count as LGBTQ+?" Because despite being Ace, I still feel hetero romantic feelings (sometimes I wonder if I'm Greyromantic but either way I've only wanted to have a relationship with people opposite of my gender). Even now I still feel like my Ace identity is not as worthy as others. But I am happy with who I am and honestly it's better than just trying to convince myself that I'm just not mature enough or adult enough to be interested in $ex. I don't and I can figure out what I want from a relationship now much better because I now know I am Ace.

[@Semi-Concircled]

This is honestly something I needed to hear. For the past few months I've been questioning if I'm aromantic, and one of the reasons that I dissuaded myself from heavily thinking about for a while was because I was worried that I was trying to give myself a label so I could be quirky and like my friends, who are almost all in the lgbtq+ community. But hearing you talk about this type of imposterism has made me realize that this is something I should sit down and think about, even if it won't have a massive impact on my life. Thanks for that!

[@SpaceyAces]

I'm so glad to hear that! Thank you for commenting and sharing your experience. Even on the creator side of this, you make me feel less lonely, and I'm very happy to have gotten the opportunity to hear from people like you with experiences similar to my own.

[@pomysowymati2820]

I have same experiences for last month and I can really know what you talking about. This video is really helpful to people like you or me

[@keithletourneau7305]

Don't gatekeep y'all, even to yourself. It is ok to not be sure and ok to use the best definition for you as you are right now.

[@gcbreptile4571]

I've experienced something similar where I constantly wonder whether what I'm feeling is attraction or not. And I'm scared that it is. That's the weirdest part. The fact that I want myself to be aroace makes me feel that I'm not, cuz you only want something when you don't have it right?... oh wait. I don't have attraction... oh... and I actually DON'T want it because I don't want to feel that way about people because I'm repulsed..... oh. I literally just realized that as I typed that. Omg wait I need to process this... It still doesn't answer the question of whether what I'm feeling is actually attraction or not, which is still bothering me, but at least it settled something... until I doubt it again. Huh. That's kinda pradoxical. This stuff is so confusing omg

[@teijaflink2226]

I kind of feel similar, I definitely at times can feel attraction towards people even if very rarely so I know that I'm straight but I feel absolutely repulsed when think about being in a relationship or having sex with someone. I have heard that asexuals feel zero attraction (except demisexuals but I'm not demi either). I'm definitely nottge norm when it comes to sexuality but not sure I have right to call myself asexual (I really need to look up more what I'mactually) as I have read it's impossible for asexuals to feel attraction. You 100% sound asexual though if you haven't actually felt any attraction, just nervous what if you suddenly would feel towards someone what are you then? Would you stop being asexual then?

[@1evonvielen]

@@teijaflink2226 some aroaces can feel sexual and/or romantic attraction, it's a spectrum and we are all individuals. But what's even more important for me is, that there's more than sexual and romantic attraction. You can feel sensual or aesthetic attraction towards someone and it can be super confusing to figure out, what the attraction is, you are experiencing. For me it was always the repulsed feeling when someone implicated that I want to have sex with a person I had a crush on. My crushes are more like wanting to spend time with this person and being part of their life than physical contact.

[@roseforcatsandbooks]

I am still doubting I’m ace. This helped me a lot, because I never thought i was “different” from others, except I’ve never been attracted to anyone… I just thought, I didn’t like the people I was around and “I wasn’t ready”. The fact is, I know I am aroace, but if you ask me, even if I am comfortable coming out, I’ll probably need to stop and think to not say that I’m straight by default, and it makes me so mad! It’s engrained in my brain and it makes me doubt of myself every day.

[@SpaceyAces]

Ugh, yes. We understand the internalised allosexual “default” that makes it so hard to feel confident in your identity, but you are so valid and ace! Glad to have been helpful, and I hope you find it gets easier. (Also, I love your profile picture. -Kaden) 💛

[@Lasanga95]

Same

[@perkysnood]

How i realized i was ace (i identify mostly as demi but sometimes think I might be greyace?) was when my ex and I were watching a documentary on asexuality and he said "this sounds like you". and i thought yeah it kinda does but I have sex? Then years later, a colleague presented on demisexuality and it hit real hard. Still took a few years to be comfortable with saying I was ace but finally do. Before I even knew what Ace was I would explain to people that everyone is barbie or ken dolls to me. And now learning more I realize that my attractions to the people I like are aesthetic and sensual. and I used to confuse those for sexual attraction.

[@JonathanJimbo]

I'll have to use that one about the Barbie/Ken to explain my current "attraction" confusion to others.

[@gilesclone]

Thank you for this. I definitely feel like an imposter. I lived my life as far as an outsider can see as just another straight guy. I’ve been married for 20 years with a 19 year old child. I have never presented myself as anything but “normal”. I didn’t even realize I was ace until a few years ago. I am only out to 2 people but would like to be out to everyone. But the imposter thing makes it so hard.

[@SpaceyAces]

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with feeling like an imposter, and I hope this video helped. Thank you for sharing your experience!

[@SunnyBeetle1922]

Yep I’ve felt this many times. The lack of attraction is still there and I’m still sexually and romantically repulsed by the majority of people. I’m still auto and I still don’t fancy any of the people who’ve approached me sexually…. Shrug… it’s how it is. Your personal journey inspires me. The truth is we are all trying to find out who we are in a society that does not respect individual needs or peoples unique make up. The brainwashing, conditioning, collectivist BS to blame. What we are inside is constantly being surpressed by the imprinted so called norm of what we are supposed to be. This video has helped so much. Thank you🙏🏽❤️🌈✨

[@JuriAmari]

I’ve been experiencing this a lot lately. I’ve identified as acespec for over 10 years but I’ve started questioning it more and more as I just started dating for the first time. It certainly hasn’t helped that I spent the majority of those years trying to figure out what was religious/purity culture vs my own thoughts. Media rep really matters because most of the ace experiences represented has been in the repulsed arena when I think I may be in the neutral or possibly the positive one. Most of my friends are on the queer spectrum too so I don’t want my aceness to turn out to be just something that helps me “fit in” or feel “special” either - I know how much the LGBT+ community has worked to create support and I don’t want to be a hetero “invader”; I can easily be seen as that if I don’t come out. My friends and the guy I’m dating reassure me my identity is valid but I still have doubts because of that fear of being an invader so I just keep it to my thoughts or raise everyone else’s voices and silence my own because I feel mine’s so invalid.

[@hannahr8637]

Here is something that has helped me a lot, people who are faking it know that they are. If you think your faking then your not.

[@TheRainbowDragoness]

One thing people forget is that sexual identity is fluid, it can change over time or with traumatic events. There are those who identify as asexual and will do all their lives, but there are some who will find it to be a transient state. Whatever you are, just make sure it's right for you at your current stage of life.

[@dasnixblix4846]

I know what you're talking about. I realized that I am ace at age 33 and I internalized a lot of harmful allo-hetero-normative messages until then not knowing that I wasn't broken because I never heard about asexuality. Until I was 33, I thought being straight by default but being "bad" at "playing it". I really believed that everyone else was faking it as well but succeeded while I still didn't get it and failed time and time again. So, yeah, I was an imposter once. And I knew it. I consciously play-acted. I knew something was wrong and the way I felt didn't match the way I was supposed to feel. And everytime, the internalized allo-hetero-normative b*llsh*t in my head makes me question my asexuality and implies that I'm an imposter, I remind myself how being a real imposter was like. It helps.

[@Motherofdarknessdiana]

Being asexual is my relief. I've had relationships because of social pressure, nobody understood asexuality nor respected it in My days (I'm 35)... And so they were all like You HAVE to Kiss, You HAVE to have sex, etc... And so I did. And then I had a couple of relationships and...no... Hahaha I'm so happy not having to have that pressure anymore 💜 (also, I like in Venezuela and this is a hiper sexualized country)... It has been difficult, but now I'm freeeeeeeee!!!!!

[@AroAceGamer]

I found myself thinking of this as well sometimes as I have enjoyed porn in my life and have been turned on by it. This doesn't seem like asexuality, but then I remember how much I am repulsed by seeing most actual sex in porn, preferring erotic imagery like nudity. This was how I discovered Aegosexuality and helped me find my place in the Ace Spectrum.

[@ashleymessedup]

OHHHHH THANK YOU!!!! I WAS WONDERING IF I COUNTED AS AEGO!!!!

[@gen_li7725]

The whole identifying as ace to try to be special or be part of the community thing is something that I dealt with for a while and still deal with. But you made a good point.. I’ve only told 4 people that I’m ace.. and I don’t get any attention for it. So maybe I’m not an attention-seeking fake haha

[@SpaceyAces]

You are certainly not! Acephobes also like to throw the "you're just trying to be special!" at aces a lot, so it can be hard not to internalize.

[@abbyrose7161]

I’ve been having an ongoing ace crisis for about a year - thinking ‘well, I’m still young and I’ve only dated one person (who was ace), so how do I know for sure that I’m ace?’ But I think now I’ve realised that I can just say that I am somewhere on the ace spectrum and not worry about it too much. I’m sure I’ll learn more about myself the older I get and I can always change my mind ☺️

[@sydneehargrave]

Thank you so much for this video! I’ve identified as bi for the past three years, but last week I had the realization that I think I am lesbian. Coming to terms with the fact that all the “sexual attraction” I’ve ever felt towards men was actually just a combination of aesthetic and emotional attraction has been incredibly difficult. I would never want to appropriate a label that doesn’t truly fit my experience, so the imposter syndrome I’ve been battling is REAL. In the past week I’ve wrestled with every single one of the thoughts you mentioned, especially the one at 3:30. It wasn’t until I stumbled upon videos like these from the ace community that I was able to begin understanding how my lack of sexual attraction to men could be valid, despite my occasional aesthetic/emotional attraction to one under the right (aka very specific) circumstances. If all the stars align, I will *very rarely* feel sex favorable towards a man.. but in general my default is sex averse. This is in contrast to the genuine sexual attraction I feel towards women on a regular basis. I didn’t have the language to accurately describe my experience until I found the ace community. So THANK YOU. Thank you for helping me find validation, thank you for reminding me that it’s okay to sit with these conflicting feelings while I try on this new identity to see how it fits, and thank you for helping me find myself. ♥️

[@SpaceyAces]

Thank you for sharing your experience! ❤️ And also thank you for being a testament here in the comments to how ace awareness and acceptance is beneficial to the queer community as a whole.

[@sydneehargrave]

@@SpaceyAces 🥺♥️ I’m just so thankful I stumbled across people from the ace community who were willing to be open about their experiences, bc I don’t know how long I would’ve wrestled with guilt + imposter syndrome and/or continued to misidentify had I not. I’m still very much in a place of figuring things out, but y’all aces have given me a sort of permission to do that exploration that I don’t think I would’ve given myself otherwise.

[@mandapanda6213]

Thanks so much for talking about imposterism! For me it affected how long it took for me to reflect on and accept my sexuality, but watching your videos and doing research really helped me understand that labels are tools for us to use to help understand ourselves, communicate out feelings, and find people with similar experiences.

[@lahdeelahsteph]

Loved this video and the one on amatonormativity. I can relate to so many of your examples of imposter thoughts...I honestly feel I will doubt myself forever! Oh well, it's part of life.

[@SpaceyAces]

I'm glad you enjoyed them! At least we're going through the imposter thoughts together, *sigh*...

[@ashy1587]

I have never heard someone go so far into detail about the different reasons for imposter syndrome, thank you so much

[@jonawakens]

feel like this video explains me and what i deal with and discovered asexuality a year ago i relate to ace, demi ace, and grey ace just dont know what fits right but debating on if im actually grey ace and if i can even use the asexual flag and if i can tell people i know that im ace but not grey ace since it seems like ace is easier to explain of course only tell people i can trust with telling

[@SpaceyAces]

Don't know if it's any consolation, but you can use whichever labels you think fit, and you don't have to have it all figured out. Your experience is more important than the words themselves, though I understand that having the words to explain yourself is validating.

[@jonawakens]

@@SpaceyAces thank you for being so kind and helpful

[@schanulsiboi0837]

One piece of advice that is in my opinion quite valuable and good for imposterism: If you worry that you might be faking it, you are probably not. If you were faking it, you would know

[@YawnyCatBird]

I'm a gray ace and married. I came to the conclusion that I am gray-A about 4 months ago. Yes, I struggle with this, and still struggle a little with internalized Acephobia. My wife and friends accept me. Oddly enough, I got more support from the community when I came out as bi than when I came out as Ace. Coming out as Ace has been WAY harder.

[@DeeryRey]

I just came to terms with Asexuality and being Aromantic (I don't know where exactly I fall onto the spectrum yet, I just know that I'm somewhere in there) and I can relate to this too much, and I'm facing with imposter of acearo and with me being agender (I jokingly tell myself the only As I'll get in my life). And this video made me felt less alone about dealing with this. So thank you ❤️

[@sonicmario64]

Considering the fact that I've just recently come out as an asexual person after learning all about asexuality, there are times in which I am able to worry about myself being an imposter, especially since I've only told at least one person about my asexuality so far, and I want to be comfortable with my new lifestyle without changing who I am as an individual.

[@quinnhardbrook1606]

Everything you're saying is so spot-on and accurate! Recently, I've been trying to figure out if I'm meybe more aromantic than I originally thought. One of the biggest ways asexuals are discriminated against is when people say they aren't discriminated against. It's a serious brain twister and really sad :(

[@manuelaaguirre209]

Omg thank you, really, I'm experiencing these feelings right now and I needed to hear this.

[@SpaceyAces]

So glad to hear it. 💛

[@scathannagoodman3796]

Thanks so much for this. I think I'm ace (and maybe aro or lesbian), but I keep thinking "what if I'm just too young to know yet", since I'm only in middle school. I also definitely have the anxiousness about coming out because it might change. This video has helped a lot, again thank you! Much platonic love

[@aceofmoonspades4147]

Same, I too am in middle school (lesbian acemid), and I am always questioning whether I’m too young

[@gardenrose5661]

This perfectly encompasses the inner workings of my psyche and it really leads me to thinking about sex even more but not in an attraction way, more in a scrutiny way to see if I feel anything and feeling the need to test myself. Glad to know it's not all in my head and is a thing aces go through not just me. I often feel less queer due to being heteromantic.

[@jh9391]

Aces DO STRUGGLE with their identity! They are trying to hang on to themselves!!!

[@rebeccaackerman2443]

All those thought bubbles are exactly what I'm going through right now, but I thought it was just my autism getting the better of me. But this actually helped me alot to understand myself better and to know that I'm not alone, so thank you

[@midnight1022]

The part about you constantly googling about the identities feels so much like me! Recently I've been questioning my sexuality, and I eventually came to the conclusion that I was Demisexual. But sometimes I felt like I tried too hard to just "fit inside the box." I still think a bit like an impostor, but I think this video made me feel a bit better. Demisexual is just the label that fits me the closest. I have plenty of time to continue figuring out who I am! Thank you so much your video helped so much❤❤

[@aprillynn6221]

My sister faced a lot of stigma for being a "fake lesbian" since she was bi.

[@user-ng6cv3vw6t]

HOW DARE YOU CALL ME OUT WITHIN THE FIRST 5 SECONDS AND THEN CONTINUE TO READ MY MIND 😂😂 seriously tho ty this honestly helped me overcome this suppression

[@SpaceyAces]

Hahaha, glad to hear it!

[@blu_cyan2995]

this certainly hit me to understand the term asexual better aftering questioning it for a while. I definitely might be it, just not entirely sure yet

[@freshprismbreak1117]

I've found out about ace/aro about 2 weeks ago, but have been struggling with it unconsciously for years. Society and the people around me believed/made me believe, love was supposed to be sigular/monogamous and if you liked the way someone looked/smelled or any other reason, you must be "in love" with them, and that just never fully made sense to me, but I had no idea why and I thought that I was the problem or "weird". So when I found this article explaining some of the aro spec identities something just clicked. So I went into this rabbit hole for a few days straight (which is how I found this lovely place on the internet haha) and it felt like I just discovered I have wings to fly with, whose exsistence were kept from this entire time! Unfortunately the imposterism didn't wait for long and made me believe that I'm just trying to be "cool and queer and woke", and that I'm probably just confused or trying to justify my weirdness. But watching this video made me realize, that it was probably my anxiety and the fear of the unknown/uncomfortable speaking! What I tend to forget is that labels are meant 1. to give us the possibilty to put the way we experience the world into words, and 2. for ourselves. ! Every single person has the freedom of using or not using a label, and like others have said in the comments, even if we are wrong, it still dosen't make us less valid or a liar/fraud/imposter! I feel like this is only the beginning of my journey about discovering this huge, unknown part of myself and the world, but I'm beyond happy that I've found it AND this wonderful channel/people! You really do make a difference!

[@CallmeOzymandias]

I know that I'm on the ace spec. I'm mostly just unsure whether I'm demi or completely ace, partly because I haven't had many close relationships. It's also been hard to figure out how much of my attitudes towards sex are my orientation and how much is my own neurosis. But I'm okay not knowing right now.

[@chalima]

My sister had ace flag coloured hearts in her socials' bios so I googled the colours and found the word asexual. Reading about it made me feel like "oh i know that feeling" followed by "but i cant be ace bc my sister is". So that made me think for a pretty long damn time that im only telling myself i could probably be ace bc my sister was always kind of a role model for me and i wanted to be like her. just later on realised that there are families with two or more gay or even trans kids, so why not two ace siblings? So for about a year now im a not outed ace, acknowledging my sexuality most of the time - until just recently i discovered more about genderqueerness and agender and so this whole questioning and feeling like an imposter starts anew -.-

[@Pixis1]

Thank you for this video. I've been experiencing this exact phenomenon and didn't know it was a thing. In the past year, I've been researching asexuality and trying to determine if I'm on that spectrum. I think I'm either demi or gray-ace as I experience attraction but don't crave sex and could happily go without it. But there have been many times I've felt like an impostor. A few sample thoughts: "I find women attractive. How could I be ace?" "The attraction I experience is heteromantic so I must be straight, right? Am I intruding on the LGBT community by claiming to be ace?" "Maybe I'm just an allo who's introverted and anxious due to my limited experience with sex." "Am I just trying to make myself feel better about failing at past relationships?" Etc. I'm glad to hear that others experience this sense of doubt and imposterism. And that even if I'm mistaken about my identity, it isn't as big a deal as it seems. The labels are to help me understand more about myself and aren't hurting anyone.

[@saharaa_5708]

It's creepy how someone i don't know can describe my feelings and thoughts almost better than me

[@ws6778]

08:07 - 09:05: Literally that one "you are not gay enough or suffer enough to share a community with us" gatekeeper argument recycled every time a new group is added to the "alphabet community" acronym, ever since bi people came to terms with being, back in the ending of the last century. Pain is pain, no matter what, people in the asexual, aromantic, and polyamorous communities may not suffer as much because of amatonormativity as lesbians also do suffer for that, but I already have gotten to know women who have became homeless after being disowned by their families for "stepping off the relationship escalator" because they were asexual, aromantic or polyamorous. LGBTQIAP+ should not drop the T, nor the A, nor the P, we need to support one another against amatonormativity and everything behind that, not waste time fighting each other...

[@gabriellegagne2020]

I'm definitely aro, but I'm still in process to add ace. I'm using orchidsexual for the moment. What's bug me is that I had good sexual experiences in the past before that I change my name and start to use the labels aro and non-binary. It's been nearly three years without sex, maybe at the fifth one, I will feel comfortable. I'm definitely not comfortable with the idea to have sex with people anymore or even to just sleep with them. I don't even like when people touch me. Even hugs made me uncomfortable sometimes, I never know when to stop hugging. Thanks for the video, it's really help 🌹

[@TheNitr01]

I felt I was ace since my late adolescence but kept denying myself of the label. In hindsight I definitely think I was harming myself because of that. More recently, though, after about 2.5 years of extensive research of the psychology and sociology behind love and relationships and learning new concepts I instantly resonated with like QPRs, I’ve concluded I’m on the aroace spectrum and have genuinely felt happier since then. I've spoken to some other ace people about their experiences and it's comforting to know theirs have been similar. I feel right at home in the arospec and aspec communities.

[@Atropos990]

i have been thinking for a while that it was very possible that i could be ace and just recently started identifying as ace and holy cow the imposter syndrome hit me hard. This video helped me feel like i’m not the only one that feels like they are a fraud. After reading the comments and watching the video i feel just a little bit more secure in my identity so thank you

[@ysahflorzinha]

estou passando por uma crise de choro por causa dessa frustração de descobrindo de identidade, invalidação e medo do futuro. Me sinto totalmente deslocada com o mundo exterior que me isolei totalmente.. pelo o que parece sou aroace.. me sinto tao sozinha, tao diferente e estranha comparada a todo o resto do mundo, mas aos poucos estou me encaixando, eu acho... É tudo tao confuso. Este vídeo foi incrível, acabei de conhecer você e me senti tao confortável, me identifiquei com muitas coisas, obrigado❤‍🩹

[@jooddude]

I'm on a lot of meds for psychotic depression and severe anxiety. I'm also autistic. Both of these things make it hard to determine what might be a chemical imbalance and what is a potential ace identity. Am I still valid as an asexual if my identity isn't inherit? I don't know. I'm confused and working it out and this channel is a big help

[@SpaceyAces]

You’re the only one who can know for sure, but I like to think of (a)sexual identity as an experience - it’s your reality, regardless of the source. Also, there are such thing as medical asexuals who identify they way they do while recognizing that their health history or present has an impact on that identity. So you’re absolutely valid. 💜 Autism and asexuality also have an enormous intersection! 🧠

[@ws6778]

📍Also, VERY important note, we are not trenders, I did not wake up someday and suddenly decided that from now on I would be the T for trans, B for bi, A for asexual, P for polyamorous, and N for non-binary inside the "alphabet soup community" because I wanted attention, knowing that being part of any of those groups would, instead, really only make my life more harder if not literal hell on earth, but despite all that, believe me or not, I still get to live moments of joy that reassure me that I could not be happy otherwise, other than living authentically as any of those things.

[@mars_starz420]

I’m non binary, lesbian and ace and I just found yalls channel. Let me just say that absolutely love your videos!

[@SpaceyAces]

Awwwww, thank you so much!! - Elle

[@mars_starz420]

@@SpaceyAces your welcome! Love you guys :) Platonically lol

[@lol-yg3uf]

Thank you so much I've been questioning whether or not I was ace or not because I tend to think about relationships and such so thank you so much this helped so much so thank you so much for this

[@christineburk4026]

Oh wow, this imposter syndrome you talk about is way different than I thought it would be! What's ironic is that, looking back on my dating experiences, the dates themselves felt fraudulent. In other words, it was as if I was inadvertently posing as straight when I was in fact Aro/Ace. Almost every date I'd ever been on felt like I was just going through the motions and not really into the person in that way, you know? During such dates and interactions it felt wrong, in my gut, as if I wasn't supposed to be doing it. Something seemed really off and it was so hard to explain for many years--I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with me that needed to be fixed. I just didn't know there was a name for what I'd been feeling most of my life! Amatonormativity blinded me from not only my own identity but the concept of aro/ace itself! Also, when I first discovered the concept of aromanticism, I had doubts about it since I did have attractions to people, but as it turns out, these attractions were mostly platonic and or aesthetic, with maybe one or two exceptions I guess. None of them were sexual now that I look back on it. That's when I knew for sure I was both aro and ace.

[@rah0328]

You answered one of my questions in another video, and ive been researching a lot. KZbin has been recomeding your videos to me, and this one is kind of what i needed. Thank you

[@AnarchoJosh]

I'm like 3 videos in and I just gotta thank you for your content. I feel hella validated.

[@Beam3178]

All of those "I" statements of imposter syndrome hit me really hard. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with my identity and I didn't realize I had internalized almost all of those statements

[@shelleyv2403]

Hi Spacey-Aces, I'm enjoying a binge watch of your channel and appreciate your sincerity and openness. As a wizened old folk I would want to reassure you, where your identity lands is where you are at the time.....believe in your truth. Identity can be fluid throughout our life span as different experiences mold us. There is no wrong way to be, other than being evil to yourself and others. Have yourselves a great day!

[@abrad5296]

I'm glad to have come across your channel. I'm still looking into asexual and aromatic identities but just hearing the different terms and stories makes me feel lightyears better than what I've been feeling. I've told 3 people thus far. Two of them are my friends (and gay) the other one is someone I'm in trying to "date." Only one of my friends understood where I'm coming from, my other friend kind of brushed it off and the person I'm "talking to" did not even remotely understand where I was coming from and over looked it. I want to have a concrete answer for how I'm feeling but it's all just up in the air now 🤷🏾‍♀️ if you read all of this thank you lol 😊

[@SpaceyAces]

I’m glad you found us, too, and that we may have been helpful! I’m sorry your coming out experiences have been relatively negative. Thank you for existing, you are totally valid!! 💜

[@jumperaeh636]

Thank you for this video. It has helped me a lot! I have already come out as bisexual, and a demigirl, and I just recently started questioning again! I think I am demisexual when it comes to men, and gray sexual overall, but I am still not sure. I have the same thoughts of me just trying to be special, and different, but it is good to see that I am not the only one! Thank you again

[@alicej722]

I just wanted to say thank you for making videos about asexuality and sharing your experiences. As an asexual myself, I’ve found it really hard to come to terms with and I’ve been struggling a lot recently thinking that I’m just abnormal or broken. But your channel has helped me immensely and has made me realise that how I feel is completely valid. I have a lot of respect for all of you and I admire how you use your own experiences to help other people!!

[@SpaceyAces]

I’m so glad that our channel has helped you! Thank you so much for the comment, it is super encouraging for us to hear that we’re making a difference to people. ❤️

[@KarenDoesStuff]

The part about purposely dating people you don’t actually like or forcing sexual experiences hit me. I keep making out with people hoping eventually I’d like it as much as they do but it just keeps reinforcing the fact that it’s disgusting 💀

[@eternalelune2858]

Agreed! Labels are there to assist you, and you don't have to stick with them if they aren't fitting anymore. People can change (though I understand sexuality is something people tend to think of as non-fluid.) I have a bit more trouble with feeling like an aromantic imposter than I do ace though because it's difficult for me to separate the concept of platonic bonds from romantic. It's difficult, but labels shouldn't be the end goal: true expression of your current self should be. Don't be afraid to pursue your sense of identity, even if it means questioning things :)

[@eternalelune2858]

Oh yeah and the 'it's a medical condition' argument is most prevalent and easiest in my opinion to get wrapped up in- but I've got a counter. Yes, it's a medical condition. Does that mean that it needs to change? If we decided having green eyes, something that doesn't negatively affect others and something people can be born with, is a medical condition requiring change it would be the same. Yes, this is something affecting people's bodies. And? If they are uninterested in seeking change then you should allow them to be, even if it means their way of life is different from what's considered the norm.

[@SpaceyAces]

@@eternalelune2858 Absolutely! Thanks for commenting, I agree with you on all accounts.

[@carlosarenaz]

This is so relevant for the place i are in my life and my process to understand myself it's almost creepy. thanks for a great video.

[@karinapavetra]

Спасибо за видео) У меня были такие же проблемы. Это заставило меня думать и мучаться целый год.

[@laurel7135]

I love this! you described it so eloquently!

[@SpaceyAces]

Thank you! I’m so glad. ☺️

[@SpaceyAces]

And, you know, you played a big part in my ability to vocalize this idea.

[@laurel7135]

@@SpaceyAces I am honoured

[@kaden5147]

Elle-oquently* (Also yes!!! It’s amazing!)

[@smwood91]

Hi me again!! I needed this video because I totally relate! I feel like a "fake Ace" quite often actually. I have known I'm at least Demisexual for about 2 years now and every time I see a resource with all of the Ace terms I get overwhelmed again and hide for a while. I haven't been interested in being in a romantic relationship for many years now and even my crushes are limited because they never feel the same (they tend to turn me down) so idk if I'm choosing to be Ace or if I'm actually Ace at this point. I am very uncomfortable with the unknown but at the same time I want to understand....often times I'm my own worst enemy!

[@moonbowcraze1632]

Bonus points if you're OCD! It will help amplify the imposterism and the need to prove your fraud.

[@SpaceyAces]

Yup. Watching this video back, I realized that it very much sounded like the remnants of OCD for me…. Brains are funny sometimes.

[@LindCreations]

I used to feel like this ALL THE TIME. And the fact that I'm gray-acespec did not help very much. The defining moment where I realised that I am in fact very, very ace, was a year or two after I moved in with my partner. Now, my partner, is not only allo, but a satyr. We are very open in terms of our sexuality, especially due to the allo/ace dynamic, and we both started noting how we both approached the idea of sex. It's hard to feel like a fraud when evidence that you're not basically body-slams you on a day to day basis...

[@ca-ke9493]

Your taste in colour is so unique and pretty :D

[@ca-ke9493]

Actually im quite confused, I dont think I've ever had a real life crush or attraction to someone, but at the same time I don't think I've ever felt like I had control over choosing my friends so it might just be social ineptness/being reserved/being a Capricorn? I however really enjoy fictional ships which adds another layer of confusion. Either way my only issue with it is that I cannot play truth or dare type games with people since the crushes questions stresses me out real bad.

[@SpaceyAces]

Thank you so much!

[@SpaceyAces]

@@ca-ke9493 I don't know what kind of literature you're into, if any at all, but I recently read Loveless by Alice Oseman which is about an aro/ace girl who struggles to realize she's aro/ace because she considers herself a socially awkward fanfic-loving romantic. That's what your comment made me think of :) My point being, if you think you might be aro and/or ace, liking to ship people or characters, or being on the reserved side is certainly not evidence against the possibility. It's also fine to be confused, though I can understand having an internal desire to un-confuse yourself with regard to your identity. Also, I've always been at odds with Truth or Dare, too!! Thanks for commenting!

[@thecactusinthevalley4657]

after i realized i was ace, i tried to "come out" to my roommates, both of whom were bi. i thought that bc i didnt think it was a big deal (and when they told me they were bi, they didnt treat it like a massive thing), it was just like an "oh neat to know about myself" moment, that they wouldnt think it was a giant issue. one of them was fine but the other told me later that it was "a big deal" and that i "needed to talk to her about it because its such an important thing." mind you, i was not in any kind of romantic or sexual relationship with her and that moment had planted the seed of ace-imposterism in me, bc before i had even thought to reveal it to them, i had felt so comfortable and happy in my skin for like the first time ever. since then (like 4 years ago now), i have never known peace or full comfort in my body and it makes me so sad and frustrated

[@pomysowymati2820]

Wow i started thinking about my romantic and sexual orientaton like month ago and i still thiking that im some kind of coward who just want attention and every smallest moment of questionating leads me to like thinking about my identity for whole day and looking for signs that i am or i am not aro. This could be really exhausting. This video really helped me, thanks for making this type of content i think it could help a lot of people who are on the moment when they are thiking about of they identity Edit actually after seeing this video I felt better about my identity and started less questionating it.

[@Dehlopesp]

Omg, i never related to anything more. Thank you for your video, it helped me a lot! ❤️

[@r.i.t.i.k.a]

That's way too accurate man, i feel attacked 😅

[@juliek4474]

Thank you so much!!! That's exactly how I feel at the moment, you really helped me with your video :)

[@SpaceyAces]

You’re welcome, I’m so glad to hear that! 💜

[@zitavandijck6840]

Your chanel (and especially this video) was exactly what I needed. Thank you so much for helping me (and probably a lot of other people) with my identity journey. Love Zita

[@SpaceyAces]

thank you so much for sharing! it means a lot that we are able to help out because we’ve all been there! -Lau

[@nancyjohnson7147]

I just recently became comfortable with my identity after a long time of feeling like I was an imposter so this video made me do glad to see. Maybe about 2 years ago I was in a relationship but it was long distance and really not going well. But thats not the point, I was doing all this mad searching on the wiki fandom, just looking at all of the identites. I found the ace spectrum section, and I saw so many identies that I thought fit me in different ways. But then I convinced myself no you aren't ace, everyone around you is LGBTQ+ and you just want to be included (I'm a theater person so you know). This was made easier when my feelings suddenly shifted. (I'm aceflux so this makes sense now but confused the heck out of me then) it took another year when a different partner brought up the idea I might be acexual because I was uncomfortable with the idea of having s*x with them. And somehow in that moment my partner suggesting it rather then it being a thought in my head, validated it and made it okay. So yeah long road.

[@shirlene4333]

Thank you for this video! I think I might be arospec ace for some time now but I always experience these imposter syndromes especially when it comes to my arospec identity. I feel that I need external validation or proofs to show that I'm real and fit in to the arospec and ace community, and I also worry what if my identity restrict my hopes to be in a romantic relationship in the future if I'm become allo one day

[@lucymiller8172]

My sould needed this!💜🖤

[@slakker9]

Thank you for this video. This is all very, very new to me, and many of the examples you mentioned are currently swirling around my brain. This was extremely helpful!

[@RosiePetals0]

Can I just say, thank you so much for making these videos and explaining about this. I have binged the aro ace videos of yours and this video helped me comfortably finalise my thoughts and feelings. I've been qing my identity for the third time (bi to gay to now aro ace) and it all makes so much sense. I'm so grateful for these videos

[@YawnyCatBird]

One minor caveat: Not all Imposterism has to do with "accomplishments". I found that I couldn't really relate to that one. But your specific definition and further examples are correct 🙂 The evolution and biology one made me laugh, ha.

[@SpaceyAces]

Yeah, I agree about accomplishments. I would probably rephrase it if I were to re-do this video now, but at the time, the actual research and existing definitions all centered accomplishment. I think the accepted definition is expanding, which is cool :)

[@TKRyan2]

Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us with such vulnerability! As I explore my sexuality, I have run into a lot of imposterism in my own mind. It was so comforting to know that I'm not alone. That is a wonderful gift and I appreciate you for it!

[@Patricia-rc3gy]

Thank you so much for your insights. It was really eye opening. You've described so well, how I felt these couple months. 💜

[@VladkaBest]

I'm still so confused about myself. I was very sexual when I started dating my, now, husband, 9 years ago, but in the last few years, my sexual desire lessened. I still feel up for it at times, even want sex sometimes, and definitely enjoy it when im doing it, but... very often when my husband asks, i have not even been thinking of it, and dont have the motivation, or anything, to do it. I tried many things, thinking - i must be depressed, or - there must be something wrong with the way we do it, or i must be broken, or is it hormones??? ext, but the reality is just that most of the time, i am not thinking about it nor wanting it as much as he does. I have only very recently started thinking about maybe i am greyace or aceflux, but i worry that this isnt it because i do enjoy talking about sex, reading about it and doing it too, and i am attracted to my husband, just not thinking about it all the time or feeling sexual attraction all the time.... In fact, my main question, and the reason i am not sure if i am ace, is that i do NOT understand what sexual attraction means and do i experience it or not and if i do but not 100% of the time does it still make me ace???? aaa im so confused T-T This video was helpful, but if i can get any advice from the community id appreciate it.

[@SpaceyAces]

Hello! There isn’t - as far as I’m concerned- one sure way to define attraction, but to answer your inquiry, if you experience notably fluctuating levels of attraction, that fits into the definition of Asexuality/ the ace spectrum. Regardless, I hope you are well! 💗

[@Nor-bert-Donner]

You describe most of the things I feel right now.

[@alansmithee419]

I had some weird bits on the demi-aro side of things. I'd occasionally find myself attracted to people I wasn't close to, or thinking about my female friends more than my male ones, despite not being particularly close to them (i.e. enough for the demi bit to kick in) and I think I've finally figured it out: My attraction model is split AF. asexual, hetero-demiromantic (or aro, not sure), heteroplatonic, and omniaesthetic. BRUH WHY.

[@ЙенФенФыр]

I even cried because of how much this resonated with my experience. At least now, when I am over 30 years old, I can say with confidence that I consistently have no sexual attraction to anyone. But now I'm stuck with the idea that a number of physical and mental conditions can lead to this effect, and I'm unlikely to have the money for medical tests in the coming years to cross off the list of possible causes. How can I call myself asexual if I cannot know for sure that I am asexual “by nature”? Half of my brain objects to the pathologization of life experience, especially since the absence of sexual desire itself does not bother me, and it would be wild to demand from anyone a medical examination to prove the identity of sexuality. But the other half of my brain says that the world really is wild and unfair, and I was simply unlucky to find myself in a situation where I need to involve doctors to resolve the issue. I’m just too weak to accept this uncertainty about belonging and I’m in a hurry to enroll myself in the queer community simply because I want to, and not because it’s true. This is disrespectful and dishonest to the community, especially since I don’t even have experience with discrimination in this matter, so even with the test results in hand, I will be more of an outside observer, an ally, than a full-fledged participant. And as the law in our country has descended into the abyss of homophobia, this difference in experience is only becoming larger and larger

[@missemma559]

Thank you so much for this video. I had my own imposter syndrome crisis these days. I kept thinking that I "became" ace just to justify my failures in sex life and that I was appropriating an identity that wasn't really mine. Instead of realizing that "my failure" in sex was because I was always Ace. It's great to see that I'm not alone in this process.

[@user-tk6hk2tq9c]

I really feel this. I think as a greysexual person i feel extra doubt because "maybe I'm just picky"

[@jotakori8266]

Wow, this was such an amazing video to stumble upon. I've only learned about aegosexuality a few months back--which I apparently am! aegosexual, that is--but because I had no clue that was a thing, and because I never thought my experiences could be considered as part of the ace spectrum, I've been since struggling a lot lately with asexual imposterism. I recently told my best friend about how I think I'm ageo and thus on the ace spectrum, and am pretty sure I also said, almost verbatim to your examples, how I don't know if I deserve the ace label because I feel like I'd be encroaching on queer spaces (as I'm otherwise cishet), that I'm not sure I'm "ace enough," and what if I'm just deluding myself into thinking I'm ace because I want to feel special and part of the LGBTQ+ community (which nearly all of my friends & online social circles are a part of). I've also been struggling to navigate what even *is* sexual attraction, whether I've experienced it before and am grey or demi, or if what I've always thought was sexual attraction was really only mirous attraction and means I'm more ace than I ever realized. It's just... a lot to figure out, and to recontextualize about yourself, and difficult to embrace when you've gone your whole life telling yourself (and others!) over and over and over again you're not ace because how can you be ace when you get so thirsty over fictional characters and imagining them doing the deed together. Coming across this video, learning about asexual imposterism and how common an experience it is for aces just coming into their sexuality has been really, really comforting and exactly what I needed to hear. It makes me feel more confident in it being okay for me to embrace the ace identity, even if my understanding of myself may yet change down the line. Thank you!

[@lauraelliott6909]

I definitely went through this. I spent 18 years of my life living an allo-straight life. I was even married. When I came to the realization that I wasn't interested in any of that any more, I didn't think I could be on the ace spectrum. I thought I'd be a phony to have had sex and relationships and now say I'm aro ace. But over years of self-reflection I've come to be comfortable with an aegosexual identity. I'm not sure if I was truly allosexual for those years, or maybe demisexual, or whether I was more interested in the attention from the opposite sex, or simply doing what I thought I was expected to do. But at this point, I guess it doesn't really matter what I used to be. It's only important what I am. And I am so comfortable with my identity. Once I came to terms with where I was, it felt so freeing to let go of the thought of dating, finding someone, and allowing them into my life. I'm just so much happier without that. My life is complete with no "missing piece."

[@catherinej6542]

I'm in a weird place right now where I'm not sure if I was born ace, the way that I was raised made me ace, or if I am actually just straight and just unattractive. I was raised in a family that was very adamant about telling us girls that the only thing that should be our main focus is education and not to talk to or think about guys (waaayy long before the age where we would even develop romantic feelings for others) So that's what I did through high school and college. I didn't find it much of an issue wit it in high school because none of the guys were attractive to me anyway. When I got to college, I did want to get into a relationship, but still found nobody attractive. At one point in college, I found out about demisexuality and thought that would be something I could identify with, but how could I identify with being demisexual without ever being in a position to get to know someone like that? I now know that sexuality can be shaped by personal experiences but my experience doesn't feel like a valid one or that I'm kinda overreacting on how much my upbringing has affected me. And if I am ace, how do I go about dating then? (I'm sorry if this was all over the place, I've been having a lot of thoughts and have been struggling to put it all together coherently😮‍💨)

[@nikkipallat9032]

Another thing I recently realized as a gray-romantic ace is that I definitely experience a similar imposter syndrome as an ace person dating an allo person (for 2.5+ years now). I feel like an imposter in that one day my partner will realize that ace people are "not enough" and are inherently "less lovable" and that being in a relationship with another allo person would be better. I think this a perfect example of the acephobia carrying over into ace people's lives because when you're constantly told ace people are lesser partners/humans/etc. by society, you carry this belief with you. It's easy to feel like an ace person cosplaying as an allo person, and that's who your partner/friends/etc. see you as, especially when you're in a relationship. And that maybe they love you less when they are actually loving you and seeing you as an ace person in the world. I don't know if other people have experienced this, but I think recognizing this as a form of imposter syndrome has helped me give those thoughts less power in my mind. Thanks for the video and love to all the other aces out there 💕

[@klaramell]

I struggle with this a lot. I still don't really know what sexual attraction is and therefore have a very hard time to differentiate between sexual and sensual/aesthetic attraction. So i'm always asking myself "maybe what you feel about this other person actually is sexual attraction and not just that you find them cute". At the same time i have a huge problem with anxiety. Every interaction with other people is super scary for me so of course i don't want to have sex with them either. But is it because i'm too anxious or because i just don't feel the need to. Over the last months i was trying to figure out if i'm allowed to call myself ace, one day i was so sure of it and the other i felt like the biggest imposter ever. At the moment i feel okay calling myself ace, but still on some days it's hard.

[@emmaj5807]

Thank you for this!! I relate to a lot of what you said so this is very helpful!

[@SpaceyAces]

You’re welcome, I’m glad!