Phrases a Covert Narcisstis Use To Lower Your Self-Esteem

#mentalhealth #stephanielyncoaching #narcissisticabuse #emotionalabuse #selflove
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[@phyllis9750]

I've been married to one for 48 years. If I had understood what was happening , I could have had a wonderful life. Instead, my youth is gone, and it's too late to get my life back. We didn't understand all of this back then. Thank you for saving the youngsters before it's too late for them. You are changing lives.

[@jmay350]

It's never too late, Phyllis. You need to prioritise your own mental health and happiness ❤

[@durelltrago62]

i feel it. 38 yrs in June.

[@ruckerbrady8342]

Don't give up. It's never too late for boundaries and self care.

[@danaezama5701]

I was married to a covert narcissist for 38 years and have been divorced for 4 years. He did the parental alienation thing - turned my kids against me - and he is so subtle and covert about it - it actually is more powerful that way because the kids think they thought it up themselves. it makes them believe it more.

[@Ken15643]

Use the time you have left to enjoy every day, and know that YOU are smart, valuable, and important.

[@SneekySecrets]

"Death by a thousand cuts". How the narcissist wounds you.

[@phyllistouchstone7136]

I tried to accommodate this person, but I realized no matter what I did, it was never enough.

[@Z1nny]

They are a black hole 🕳. All they do is suck the light and life out of you.

[@Price8903]

Exactly. The goal post is constantly moved. They’re never satisfied with their self, so they constantly have to make you feel as bad about yourself as they do.

[@TheQueensWish]

“Changing or altering yourself is not going to help the situation, all it does is prove to the Narc that they get their way” - THIS.

[@ranc1977]

As Lundy Bancroft said: "Abuse is NOT caused by bad relationship dynamics. You can't manage your partner's abusiveness by changing your behaviour. But he wants you to think you can."

[@davidhinkson8856]

I spent years trying to change myself as she convinced me I was the problem. But when I saw that my attempts weren't making any difference whatsoever, I decided I gotta be me and leave her to her own devices

[@wendi2819]

Absolutely! After a narc mother and a narc husband, I picked a man who nagged in this sweet genteel fashion, I didn't get enough vit D because I wore clothes that covered too much of my body, I didn't have a coffee pot he liked, I didn't live near a big box store with a giant grocery store....( never mind he rented a trailer when I own my home outright), he needed to constantly grope as it's how he shows love.....my bathroom had ugly colors.... Jesus it never stopped. I tried to soothe him for 5 years. Finally I just walked away. Total no contact. He wrote me for 2 yrs, yammering at me for answers after I blocked him on the phone. Then I saw him for how controlling he is!

[@TheQueensWish]

@@wendi2819 Awful! Mine didn’t like the curtain panels, and after returning many pairs, I cut up a sheet and hung it. Yes. 👏👏 He also didn’t like his pillow. Nor his ladder gift (despite me asking firefighters for the best one!). Absolutely no pleasing him. His birthday dinner .... a disaster over the peppermill not grinding to his satisfaction. On 👏 and on 👏 and on 👏 it goes for these Narc types.

[@phyllistouchstone7136]

Amen

[@jennasparks8935]

When this starts at childhood from a parent, it's a lifelong healing journey. Prayers for everyone experiencing this 🙏

[@annekerotterdam7499]

it is!

[@chimneyflinttrucking]

Absolutely horrible.

[@joshuachaffin1858]

I realized I was in this situation decade ago and gained independence from my narcissist parents, mostly my step dad who raised me. Here I am 10 years later, a grown man with my own family, and I’m still healing from the trauma. It still comes up all the time and influences my health to this day.

[@marciastewart1527]

You are so right about that. From one who knows all about it. Still hurting after many years & trying not to be bitter. Hard to do.

[@annekerotterdam7499]

@@marciastewart1527 Yes.

[@upperkits]

So insidious. Manipulative. Toxic. Eventually coverts expose themselves. Go Gray rock or no contact. They don’t change. I have compassion for them and also choose to limit time with them. 🙏

[@casperinsight3524]

The pattern repeats itself no matter how hard they try to change they always return back to their baseline, hardwired.

[@EnglishAaron]

@@casperinsight3524 the only issue I have with this is that I take it to actually mean they just don't have the necessary options in their environment, or the care quality is too poor for them to be able to get help. A skilled therapist, combined with a psychologist and psychiatrist should be able to help get them to at the bare minimum mitigate their condition if not help them rewire to no longer be as they are, it requires desperation but if they fully embrace a treatment plan and potential complications are explained they should be improving. I believe only psychopaths are the ones who without medication or some form of neurological focused procedure and specialized treatment plans will not improve and are particularly treatment resistant through no fault of their own just a damaged brain in the way others who aren't damaged in the way they are, have the capacity to empathize which they biologically lack. At least from what I understand and I am not a medical professional or practitioner, just going off of the information around the web from various sources

[@yoyoma17]

@@EnglishAaron They're never wrong... how on earth would they agree to get this, let alone any, type of treatment for narcissism?

[@EnglishAaron]

@@yoyoma17 I just have hope for people and that it's not necessarily always the person who gets labelled as such, is such but rather they try, they don't like being the way they are and don't want to hurt others but just see everytime they seem to hurt others around them by not being sensitive enough to something or x,y, or z.

[@yoyoma17]

@@EnglishAaron after trying that for decades with narcs in my life and getting burned Every time, I believe hope for them is poison for you.

[@inkerikavantera]

- Educate yourself - See the patterns - Stop fantasising about change - Set boundaries - Don't take the bate - They are going to have to adapt 💚💚👍🏻👍🏻

[@neondiosa2]

Narcissists do not adapt.

[@annekerotterdam7499]

@@neondiosa2 True

[@gregorysilva6287]

They don't adapt. Just get more sneaky . Then discard you . Sick individuals

[@Ninabeana13]

They don’t adapt, you leave or they leave.

[@MattMussett]

The patterns always present every couple of months

[@JD-jz8vl]

My ex used to casually remind me if how old I am, we're both 60. He used to say we're falling apart now that we're old.. eventually I realised he was devaluing me and started saying how fantastic I feel and how glad I am and I'd never want to go back in time. He hated that, so funny. He'd also laugh and mock my body which is really slim and in good shape for my age

[@Jesusandcoffee3382]

Mine did the same. He would always say that he was cheated in some way because I’m old (I was 40 when we married for 14 years) and he missed the years of my youth when I was young and hot. It offended me a bit but I didn’t realize at the time that he was devaluing me.

[@tinaferr]

Classic projection...he was upset about his aging body but he couldn't come to terms with it so he picked on yours. love your response

[@michellesimmons3150]

Mine turned 50, he started acting like he was old almost the day of his birthday….it was so odd. That was last year. This year I turn 50, I feel very young, am in great shape I was looking so forward to it and he is already attempting to ruin it for me…..not this time.

[@Elegant_Sausage]

My husband does this. He is 42 and I am 38. He mocks me for almost being 40 even though he's past 40. He makes fun of me like I'm going to lose my mind when I hit 40 for real. It's so weird because I feel really good for almost 40. He's overweight and I am slender. He calls me skeletor and other names and if I take offense he tells me I'm too sensitive. I think he's the one that feels bad to be in his 40s. I think he is insecure about his weight even though I never mention it or "joke" about it the way he does to me. I think in some way he's jealous of me and that sort of scares me.

[@JD-jz8vl]

@@Elegant_Sausage yes he's devaluing you, be mindful to keep your confidence up, spend time on yourself and with people who support you. Take care🙏🏽

[@Tarsarian]

This video is totally about my wife. I set boundaries the last year and started saying “No” to basic things I don’t want to do. Since then, she has made my life hell and use’s her parents as flying monkeys. Stay strong people and keep yourself protected.

[@reenieager4243]

This is about my ex husband until he discarded me and boasted he'd planned it for over 10 years. I 'deserved' to be treated badly as l hadn't shown him enough 'respect' and gratitude throughout the marriage. I stupidly blamed myself and wasted weeks beating myself up trying to work out how l could ' make things better' as l had had to do so many times before. Then l realised l could NEVER change things fir the better as this situation kept happening that it was Alwsys My fault. Never his actions, behavior or how he spoke about or treated others. He was always right. I was always in the wrong. That's what he always told me. Now l have peace and calm, and picking up a normal life again.

[@Sheywh12]

You stay strong and heal you and leave That’s the best thing you could do to love yourself Get out before it gets harder on you Get therapy behind her back it helps Don’t let her know what your doing just get strong enough to leave!

[@jimbeam7160]

@@Sheywh12 You can't reason with them. You can only ESCAPE.

[@sharadnakarja821]

This is good to know. I’ve been beating myself up thinking if i set stronger boundaries (i did set them but didn’t walk away), then she would have respected me more and known her place. How’s it going now?

[@jimbeam7160]

@@sharadnakarja821 It's going well. I don't seek out the illusions of love, attraction, etc. Celibacy allows one to focus on something more gratifying than transitory connection to avoid the fear of aloneness. Enlightenment comes from avoiding the 7 deadly sins. When you don't want something, it miraculously appears to fall at your feet? What then?

[@ranc1977]

"For someone who's covert they can to show tendencies of being harmless. Being lovely, being friendly, and being humbled. Because what they're doing is playing a character. It will point this person to be great catch, great person. You believe this person is actually good and this is their character. But over time you're going to start to see stranger behaviours start to come out. What you are witnessing is really the start of narcissistic abuse." That is part of abuse cycle. It is called Grooming. They use it again during Honeymoon period: being nice, good and normal.

[@NopeNotTodaySatan]

This is exactly what I’ve experienced with my bf.

[@iamkendraofficial2174]

My ex had s currently doing this with his new supply. She thinks “ he is an amazing person”. What she doesn’t know or realize is he is living the same exact pattern with her as he did with me. Exactly the same… I see it so boldly now. I wish her well, she’ll need it in about a year from now. 🙏🦋💫🌸

[@Thegamehhh449]

I was married to a covert narcissist for 12 years and only to the very end when her mask fell off I truly saw how evil they can be

[@caurbine1228]

Had the same thing happen. But only over 6 months. She did something awful, I confronted her about it. Once I started to figure out what was going on her face completely changed from concern to a blank scowl. No emotion. No softness. It was unsettling

[@timothyschweitzer8209]

What did she do?

[@caurbine1228]

@@timothyschweitzer8209 a lot. But the final straw was when she said she was going to a “dinner at a friends house.” Turns out it was a big house party for the UFC fights and she didn’t invite me. When I confronted her about lying and hurting our trust she has zero remorse. The apology was “you’re entitled to your feelings and I’m sorry.” Which is a total cop out

[@Thegamehhh449]

@@timothyschweitzer8209 towards the end of the relationship I started to notice always having to apologize, as long as I was giving, giving, giving everything was fine, so I started to set small boundaries well she took notice She led me to believe everything was fine to the very end until one day I got home from work and she was gone and took our son with her I did not hear from her or my son for over a month then I got served court papers she was accusing me of domestic violence and she wanted a restraining order All of this out of the blue, false accusations that eventually got denied in court and she has been denied ever since shes 0-5 in court I can't believe this is the person I fell in love with I can't believe the person I thought loved me now hates my guts It's like a total the different person, it didn't make any sense to me I felt like the twilight zone..until I figure it out about narcissism The worst part was she was manipulating my son but thank God I have given custody and my son is now seen everything she said about me was a lie actions speak louder than words

[@davidcoppotelli3957]

15 Years Dating not even living together. What I saw was A very Selfish, Insecure, Jealous, No Empathy, Always the Poor Victim. A Future Faking Pro. Take whatever they can get out of you. Never Givers The don't have your Back. Betrayal and Back stabbing right around the corner. I learned a lot from Stephanie. I was able to Walk Away from my Ex Toxic Narc Girlfriend. No Contact Total Silence.

[@daebak_hana]

I'm very grateful fore my narcissistic relationship. It literally taught me so many things about myself, life and relationships that I needed to know to become a more emotionally aware, mature authentic person.

[@missygeno4391]

Are you still in that relationship

[@gkresaratsollakou9963]

@@missygeno4391 😂😂

[@aaronkidd9450]

I can't believe I agree. God bless you.

[@jenshaw8085]

That’s such a weird comment

[@itsbraelynn1395]

Me too. Just wish it did not last over 25 years. But what can you do except learn and leave. I’ve left and I am soooooo happy right now

[@bubblywaters3116]

Don't forget the part where they're suddenly nice to you because all they want is something from you and as soon as they get it they flip and are the narcissistic again. Also the calm before the storm is what scares me the most because that's usually a huge blow up is false accusation or whatnot and imo it's mostly because they have done something awful and are blame shifting it to you so that all you can do at that moment is protect yourself which means you aren't thinking about the atrocities they're just committed. Oh they have a very calculated game plan. Also remember that going up against a narcissistic is usually a losing battle because if you're anything like me I don't know how to play those ugly games and I end up looking worse in the long run and they now have even more they can pit against you in their already overflowing arsenal of lies.

[@jimbeam7160]

You said. Narc's always believe that "you owe them" all day long despite the fact "they haven't done anything" or "paid for anything". Even when they haven't had a paycheck in fifty years......they still think "you owe them". They'll spend $5, 000 a year getting their hair done, when they're in their eighties?

[@adaada62693]

I know this all too well. They are very crafty and usually when they tell you about someone else doing things listen up because it's mostly a confession in my experience

[@myridian4516]

@@adaada62693 that is very true. They are projecting what they are actually doing

[@AuntyEsther]

Don't Justify or Argue or Defend or Explain. If you do those things that will give the narcissist more fuel to throw at you. Keep your response short and brief. Leave if you have to, before the blow up if you spot it coming (a heavy drinking narcissist might start repeating themselves which is a sign of that certain level of inebriation which is conducive to narc rage - or maybe they drink as an excuse to rage and a convenient vehicle for them to forget their worst behaviour), or leave after they start to protect yourself mentally and physically.

[@Jazzysaz8910]

Couldn’t have said this better myself

[@MsGlitterBombz]

Finally realized my mom is all of this and does all these things. Esp playing the victim. Which led me to be in several abusive relationships. Finally free of her and them. Knowledge is power 🙌

[@sanr.3317]

Hi, is it possible to make some test to Chek your self ?

[@mtaur100]

@@sanr.3317 One thing that helped me is to consider covert narcs as ambushers. When they think you are vulnerable they will ambush you. Always, ALWAYS expect an ambush from them. THE AMBUSH WILL COME! Look out for the signs of an ambush. A simple sign/pattern that sets alarms off for me (as alluded to in the video) is to the use of the word “too” followed by a negative comment. For example, your legs are too (negative). Your nose is too (negative). Your (something) is too (negative). That’s my cue to leave or terminate the conversation. Remember, always remember: You are dealing with an enemy who has a friendly, sometimes smiling face who may be a relative. I’m not a expert, but a phrase that helped me is “Observe, but don’t absorb.” Hope that helps. Good luck.

[@gustavozaina]

Knowledege applied is power, God Bless !! deep gratitude ;)

[@pollytheparrot8929]

Gudd for u.. I wish I do the same with mine too sooon! ❤🙏

[@datheamore6395]

Same. Glad you are free!

[@andrearyel5971]

OMG bully is the right word for them. Oh and they do try to chip away at you and ostracized you from other people to isolate you so you can feel less than. They lie behind your back so people will look at you differently so you are the bad guy. It is pathetic what narcissists do to keep their fake persona going.

[@JoeVolz]

My soon to be ex-wife is a "woe is me" covert. She is an amazing chameleon and can charm anyone. No one will see what I have seen when I was discarded as she left for AP. Truly frightening after a thirty year marriage. This is why I know she will spin the end of our relationship as me being the bad guy, even though she is the adulterer. This resonated SO deeply. She is clearly a person deeply in pain and as much as she blamed the unhappiness she felt in our marriage (never ONCE said she was unhappy) for why she strayed, she clearly is unhappy with herself deep down. All she did was take that same baggage to a different relationship.

[@christinemarie2276]

I am struggling with something similar. Thank you for sharing.

[@KittyKat8946]

@@christinemarie2276 me too. Stay strong. We are better off without them, no matter what.

[@DE-cj8xi]

Same happened to me last year...it's bloody hard to get through but just keep focused on yourself and stay healthy.....wish you well in your recovery

[@JoeVolz]

@@DE-cj8xi Thanks. I appreciate that. Sorry you went through that as well.

[@DE-cj8xi]

If it helps, learn everything about grey rocking ....it's probably the only useful thing you'll be able to manage ....best way to manage these kinds of human beings

[@NSEasternShoreChemist]

My vulnerable narcissistic dad loves to say "you're being rude to me" when I try to uphold boundaries.

[@NopeNotTodaySatan]

They’re children in adult bodies

[@billbirkett7166]

I was friends with someone who was so controlling and manipulative, and she even admitted something like, "I tear people down and build people back up, and some people just can't handle that. I'm like a mirror, I give people the feedback that they need. " It always bothered me when she said those things. She is absolutely the most outlandishly manipulative person I have ever known; she was literally in the process of stealing from me and she told me to my face that I was crazy and how could I ever think such bad things about a person who was as giving as her. The gaslighting was so bad that even to this day, I doubt my judgement on calling her out, even though I CAUGHT her stealing from me. I struggled to classify her personality disorder, as she appeared to have a lot of empathy. But the manipulation was SO incredibly complex, and so involved, it blew my mind. Everything she learned about other people, she would later use to blackmail and guilt trip. Such a complex web of relationships and people that she was manipulating simultaneously. It didn't really occur to me that she is probably a covert narc; everything was a cover for getting what she wanted out of people. When you pull off the mask, you're left with a faceless face.

[@iamgoddessoflove]

Once you have a narcissist in your life, love doesn’t die a natural death. Narcissistic love is riding on the rollercoaster of disaster filled with a heart full of tears. 💙KZbinr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships

[@veroniquelaniel8639]

Years ago I was in a relationship with a perverse narcissist. I thought that I could spot narcissism for miles away. But that wasn’t the case… Unfortunately, I just got out of a toxic relationship with a covert narcissist. It was the roughest thing I had to go through but I Had the courage to end things with him. Follow your intuition and don’t dismiss the signs. You can give someone a chance because everybody makes mistakes but hey… Love yourself enough to keep your eyes wide open🙏

[@Whoeverwhateverwhenever]

Every time after a break-up I think: "Am I the problem? Am I the toxic one? Am I narcissist?". How would I know? I am almost 40 and I keep on attracting emotionally immature and emotionally abusive men.

[@angelapnwphoenix6236]

Me too☹️

[@yvonnewalker8322]

It sounds like you are starting to heal by realizing what you are attracting and no the toxic one does not usually ask if they are toxic. We can all respond toxically at times but if we catch ourselves we can change that. If all our responses are toxic then we may be, but I think what Stephanie is saying is that it’s human to want to respond to negativity with negativity but to train ourselves to respond with respect for ourselves and others and pause before we respond out of pain.

[@Rebecca-ck3qq]

Same!

[@carieyounginsurance]

I have too- I married 3 of them! Don’t feel badly- some of us are just naive and we trust and think they are good people! I’m in the middle of divorcing my 3rd. I hope to get smarter but I don’t know if it’s possible! I may just stay single for the rest of my life and date very cautiously

[@SommieReturns]

Dude me too I’m turning 37 soon and still wondering how am I always back here over and over again with a different abuser? Can’t help thinking something is very wrong with me. Either that, or there’s something about me that attracts them, and vice versa. It’s discouraging.

[@cathysunshine5790]

When I decide to meet someone in my life. I will be well aware of the patterns now that I realised my husband and past relationships where narcissist. I won’t put my heart out there so fast and always be on alert for these demons. That was my problem I trusted to fast and opened my heart to fast. Now I know I have yo get to really know a person.

[@haliec4713]

2 years after getting away from him, this is still triggering to watch. He was so evil to me at home, would bait me outdoors to become emotional and then I’d look unhinged to others whilst he looked on with feigned confusion. I did go into myself to change and do better because I thought I was obviously the problem. I could not see it whilst I was in it, I felt it but I didn’t recognise what was happening at the time. He used to tell me I was needy when I wanted affection from him, I realised he would say these things to train me not to ask for anything from him because it was all about his needs, I wasn’t allowed to have any needs. I’ve never met someone so evil and someone who complained about everything all of the time. Great video.

[@bekindpeas]

I experienced very similar. Sorry. I know how it feels. Sucks. But it's not you. Peace and love ❤️☮️

[@cherrybell2995]

That's so close to my own relationship.

[@RaeLarz]

I had a best friend for nearly 8 years... we were there for each other through many stages. We lived together- but when I wanted to move out due to personal reasons, she initially was supportive, but then FLIPPED on me a few days later- became very vitriolic, harsh, and unreasonable. I stood up for myself (because I've learned to through past romantic relationships with narcissists...) and that enraged her. Then the lies came, the gaslighting, the anger, in full force. She even threatened physical violence. I wasn't reacting how she wanted me to (AKA yelling / blaming too). She used every tactic she could think of to hurt me. Thank God I've done so much work on myself to KNOW myself, because I knew everything she was saying wasn't true. Grey rock method worked. I saw her for who she truly is. It was a shocking switch, but I got out, and went no contact.

[@paey-p3]

Being with my ex narc for the past 6 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I hired a private detective Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!

[@veronicac5668]

@@taz12184 it’s a scam message. A well written one, but still a scam. The moment you see a person putting an email in a text on a public platform you know something is fishy. Don’t take the bait and don’t write to that email

[@taz12184]

@@veronicac5668 thank you Veronica

[@golondriz3]

The hardest work I had to do was to unshackle myself! One day I went to the hospital to drop off a get well gift for him and I felt the devils around my spirit. Whatever it was it was scareeeeee and that was it! I had to get real with myself and admit it felt bad being in that relationship. Only I could free myself. Only me!

[@royferguson3909]

I have learned to trust my ' little, inner voice, ( my inner child' . I really love that little pure boy . He is NOW my best friend. He is me . kind, loving and pure of heart. can't polish a turd . Fxck them off . it's a beautiful day it is also an empowering song by U2. sing it out loud

[@cindystephens9066]

I felt that also in their presence. During the discard their pupils dilated so wide their eyes turned black. Scared the hell out of me!

[@Giselle332]

Wow I'm sure we've all heard these words eg. "You're too ...." but now I'm realising just how damaging these people are and it is SO important to know yourself and separate yourself psychologically, emotionally and sometimes physically from someone this unwell, consciousless, immoral and unempathetic. I see their projections as their verbal vomit. If someone was vomiting, I wouldn't take it personally so why would I take their projections personally? It's actually a confession of who they are. Just like vomit, their body can't hold it in so they have to let it out so they can feel better but it doesn't have to affect you. Mental illness in that way is similar to physical illness. I know it's difficult to be on the receiving end of it but you don't have to make yourself available to that.

[@kaynock1585]

I love that. I’m going to try and remember that. 👍

[@Giselle332]

@@kaynock1585 Feel sorry for them, just like you would if someone was physically sick but protect yourself too by creating solid boundaries and knowing what you will and won't put up with.

[@i.m.watching5536]

So well said!

[@cactusjackhausen8508]

That's actually a really great analogy that makes me view their behaviour on a less personal level. It's not me being berated for my short comings, it's their illness/disorder manifesting verbally

[@SneekySecrets]

Classic narcissist move, no matter how badly they've behaved, is they act like nothing ever happened. No apologies, and asking for one will typically earn you a narcissistic rage tantrum. RUN! Get them out of your life! I believe we tolerate these people's behavior more now due to smaller circles of friends, and difficulty meeting quality people. Narcissists have mastered appearing fun, credible, and worth your time. They eagerly plan hanging out, bringing gifts, flattery, and what seems genuine interest in you and your life. They will share many things in common. By the time you really enjoy spending time with them, and get more comfortable with them it is inevitable that you will say something that triggers them. Could be a slight criticism, limit their control of a situation, or talk a topic that makes them uncomfortable. At that point, everything starts to change. It sucks! Because everything was fine, you feel the need to right the wrong, yet are confused about what exactly caused the drama unfolding. Que the narcissist manipulation....ugh! I don't miss that part at all!

[@clintonnagy1662]

Yep, It's like they went to the same narc school to hook people. I'm stuck in the ruminating phaze when I first met her. Later, things fell apart and I blame myself for my reactions. I'm struggling with forgiveness for my toxic behaviors.

[@KowgirlBebop333]

Boundaries have truly become my best friend 💯

[@AA-iy4gm]

When they try to invalidate your observations by saying "I never had this problem with anyone before" it's because nobody called them out on their negative behaviors, workplaces can be tricky so being aware can help and it seems ignoring and being indifferent to narcissists can be more helpful to you than trying to fix a situation because they don't want it fixed and will be even more toxic.

[@FJHFAH-ui4ml]

💯

[@Rip-the-mask-off]

Very true

[@valeriegerardi440]

Extremely excellent description of my husband. It took Thirty years to open my eyes and I went through everything you described. It was horrible and I became very depressed. It took years to climb out of the deep dark hole. Keep making these videos so other people can get out from under the bullies.

[@rainncorbin8291]

Took me 30 years too.

[@shellydanner9486]

How did you guys get out? Leave in the middle of the night? I'm in 10 year marriage and desperate to get out. Each day is more and more draining.

[@rainncorbin8291]

@@shellydanner9486 I threw his behind out. I had gotten so angry and had myself become violent toward him (reactive abuse) that he was happy to leave. I'm in a wheelchair so MY leaving was not really an option. I've spent alot of time making this house wheelchair accessible. He's gone. Living in the park. No longer my problem. He doesn't want the responsibility of a house and he's 67 so he ain't no spring chicken and just gets a social security check Too lazy to work. Everything has been in my name for awhile. It's me and the 3 dogs. My babies. I've been married to this jerk for 33 years. I'm keeping his ss check too. He owes me for my doing all the work around the house all these years and for therapy. He can take me to court if he wants it. Possession is 9 tenths of the law. Yep. I turned into a monster toward him and he's actually afraid of me now. Good. Now I have started healing myself and actually have peace. The dogs are happy too. Not my problem anymore. I do everything around here anyways IN MY WHEELCHAIR. I mow with a push mower, weed eat, fix things, I do it all. He's such an idiot for ever allowing me to learn how to do all this, and that I didn't need him. He screwed himself right out of a place to live. I'll happily do all the work for myself but I'm not doing it all so he can sit on his behind and watch tv. It's only been 2 weeks but I'm liking it much better this way. I can finally relax and enjoy my life. I have not spoken to him except when he asked to come shower and I said no. He's never entering this house again. No way. That's his problem. He's a grown man, he can find his own solution. I'm getting on with my life.

[@rainncorbin8291]

@@shellydanner9486 I mirrored him and annoyed him to the point that he didn't want to be here anymore and he left. I have to say that I don't recommend that, it can backfire, however, I'm in a different situation because I'm in a wheelchair, so I handled it differently than someone who can get a job and physically move themselves. I tried different things until I found exactly what worked on him.

[@dawnkikong637]

"The dogs are happy too." 😂😂😂 Oh, bless your 💖!!

[@Sheywh12]

My Covert husband became very mean and very angry controlling cruel emotionally abusive the last 8 years before he passed..When I seen his rage and his arguments with me after I knew what I was dealing with m..He always sounded like a child arguing It was like he was still a teenager arguing with me..When I sat back and let him go and listened He was the one that couldn’t shut up as he had always said I was He was the one that was in competition I never understood that word when he would say we’re not in competition!! Till I learned they are constantly in competition with you..He called me stupid, crazy, idiot you name it..When I was able to stand my ground and stay on my feet It was him that went to the bedroom The easier way to get a Covert out of your face if they aren’t physically abusive to you.. Is to speak in a calm but firm voice like your it’s mother. Speak honestly and firmly what you will and will not tolerate. Keep your emotions for another time.. Just remember over and over your dealing with a child in my eyes my husband was approximately between the age 12-15 years old mentally He would literally say things that were childish Although when I reacted instead of responding I never heard that he was actually saying the same things over and over and over When I realized this it made it so much easier to be the adult and hold my ground with him.. I was married 31 years and all was fine until the blaming rage and guilt and shame came out full blown in my face. That was the past for me with both my parents one physical and other emotional I stopped the triggers when I realized that when he upset me the most was when I was actually feeling like myself as a child and wanted away from the behavior What’s really sad is he knew about my past! I so thought I had gotten away from all these cruel people as I didn’t know anything about Narcissists until I was 52 years old The more I knew and was learning how to handle my Mom He was slowly taking his mask off When his parents died so did he!! He never knew who he was or why he was on this earth..It’s sad what his parents did to him to make this way. I pray one day his parents have to answer for taking a living child and making this out of him.. Not easy being a widow to a Narcissistic person at all. I will always love him and miss him but not his rage and gaslighting and guilt and shame those things I will never miss I do now know there is 2 types of these people and I’ve been filed by both The Covert was and still is the hardest of them all they do damaging pain to us mentally and physically without ever hitting us..They make and leave us sick and chronically ill from all their behaviors.. In my case he was a covert He was in bad situations He didn’t word me as much as most instead he learned from his Dad to be strong and look strong when he really wasn’t He was a child that had never known or experienced true love until Me I was more than he wanted me to be So he was trying to break me for good for him to feel good While he was miserable after his parents passed He condoned their behavior I called it as I saw it in my on family abuse.I see now why we never agreed on that one.. He honestly learned how to be who he was from his Mom and Dads abuse all his life.. If we could rid of abuse we could change this world so much..If you know a child is abused stand up don’t leave them sitting in that abuse Mom or Dad doesn’t matter We didn’t deserve what him or I ever went through as a child. I’m healing and he’s with The Lord in Heaven hopefully happy for the first time in his life for he was a very angry depressed man. That swore he wasn’t.. Coverts are tricky Now I’m 58 and sitting here not wanting to be with anyone anymore I’ve been in these relationships all my life.. I’m healing me to get out of this triangle and thanking God no children came from this relationship.. Take Care Everyone God Bless you all ♥️🙏🏻

[@Rolhgty]

Thanks for pouring your heart out.I can totally relate to a number of your valid points. You are still young at 58,live your life fully.

[@brendarewan7441]

So you really believe he’s in heaven?

[@barbaramcclung5460]

This resonates with my situation,I have filed for divorce after 34 years, thinking, it was me, I needed to change. And when his Mom died, is when,I think something snapped too!

[@jamesrutter4100]

Easier being a widow than a wife. Sorry for your loss but be glad you get some peace in the end. I don't think my mom will survive the monster

[@Sheywh12]

@@barbaramcclung5460 Yes they don’t know who they are and when they loose their parents they loose themselves..It’s sad 😢 Yet it was hell too Had he not got cancer I had decided I had to go It was killing me.. I feel for you if torn going through divorce you might want to check out Dr. Ramoni channel she has some good videos on what not to do and what no to share and to keep everything between attorney and attorney Take Care my Sister

[@PottieMar]

Yes, thank you for this. It took me about 20 years to begin to understand what was happening and another five before I could call him on it and break out of the abusive cycle. I would even get "punished" if a friend would complement me on my dress! That was nothing short of crazy. Always walking on eggshells, always trying to figure out when and where the next shoe will drop, them never taking responsibility for their bad behavior... It is exhausting.

[@rainncorbin8291]

Took me 33.

[@letyp5819]

Me too 😢

[@ravensong24]

This is EXACTLY what my dad was like growing up. I'm so thankful for people like you and good therapy that helped me recognize and take control of my life and become successful. Keep doing what you're doing! 👏

[@packrat76]

When you grow up in that sarcastic, over critical and condescending family environment you end up doing that to people as an adult until you hopefully get wiser and more sensitive to others as you age. Looking back at past experiences I regret a lot of things I said to people at times in my younger years.

[@MD-mh6iu]

Around 8:15 the mention of having a sense of self and trusting your intuition and knowing who you are resonated with me. This is exactly why my narc ex-wife was able to manipulate me for years. But as I started to (re)connect with myself and grow all around stronger, she couldn’t handle it. We’re now 4+ years divorced and I can clearly see how having a strong sense of self and being in touch with my intuition has led to a much better life and has helped me attract much healthier women. Thank you, Stephanie, for your validating and empowering content.

[@cactusjackhausen8508]

Any tips on how to do that? I have horrible intuition and am a terrible judge of character. Everyone always says "trust your gut/instincts" so I trust my instinct that tells me this is a good person to allow in to my life but invariably end up getting burned

[@june012006]

@@cactusjackhausen8508 trust, but don't obey your gut/instinct. It is an advisor, not a decision maker.

[@juliep9332]

This is exactly my ex! He was overt in the fact that he was a little showy and could be loud, but he was always nice and congenial (in public or when he was in a good mood). I truly thought I was engaged to “the nicest guy ever”… until he took his mask off more and more often. And by then I was already in the vortex and would make excuses for him. I still have compassion for him and the pain he must have on the inside, but it’s from a distance. Just because he’s hurting doesn’t give him an excuse to be cruel to others (and me in particular)

[@cherrybell2995]

Sounds like my life. God Give us Hope and healing.

[@t.nieblas2679]

I unwittingly dated a covert narcissist for 4 years when I was 22. It was my first long term relationship and I was discarded. I felt so confused like I had the best thing I could ever hope for and I was the one who threw it all away. I’ve had a raincloud over me forever and I always downplayed my own achievements feeling like I’m just not good enough to do anything of value. Now that I learned what a covert narcissist is and how I fell into each and every trap that was laid out for me, I feel like I can forgive myself for never bringing myself to leave my narcissist when we were together. I was played like a fiddle. Figuring all of that out has been a thousand times more difficult than even studying quantum physics. I know. I studied it in college after my breakup. I feel vindicated after 20 years

[@a_co]

" felt so confused like I had the best thing I could ever hope for and I was the one who threw it all away." - This is what I am going through right now. I hope with all my heart that all the work I'm putting in now will pay off. Will just say for now it's excruciatingly hard :(

[@t.nieblas2679]

@@a_co your comment seems like you are very determined. I think you will handle your situation better than I did with mine. I don’t know you, but i rooting for you :)

[@SM-tl9ls]

@@a_co Me too

[@galaosch9959]

@tnieblas : “it’s more difficult than quantum physics”… 😂 made me laugh, because it’s true. and it is more useful as well :)

[@yvonnewalker8322]

Try to stop myself from over reacting and knowing it comes from their own wounds….then still sometimes in private have a good cry over it….one day at a time

[@ptlovelight2971]

That is the key...but you're right, it is so hard..

[@yvonnewalker8322]

@@ptlovelight2971 for sure!

[@brandyhuffman8672]

I think being a CNA in nursing home's my hole life, helped me get out as I seen my ex- husband as a mentally ill resident.

[@jenessam.hernandez4331]

Holy cow! I realize that I was in a relationship with a covert narcissist. Geez this will be my second healing from a narcissistic relationship. Thank you so much for clarifying things you are such a gift in my life and I really appreciate your direct and truthful approach but also with empathy and understanding.

[@SuprEmpth]

Me too. One was overt and my most recent was covert.

[@tityhuisman1478]

Feel comfortable with your self and also in your body. Stay in your integrity.

[@karlpayne1412]

Thank you. A very clear and concise explanation of covert narcissism. The, 'Butter wouldn't melt in their mouth, so humble and quiet and generous.....' is an excellent explanation of the type. My ex is diagnosed with EUPD. Your overview here sums up very well the slow but insidious unveiling of their true self. That's perhaps the most difficult part to deal with. Because they seem so quiet and unassuming nobody really sees the real underlying person they do not present in public. A very powerful form of manipulation....

[@Amazingme17]

Very true video. You must spot it. Esp early. Your first thing is to say "No" see how they react. Definitely look at the repeated patterns. And also bring up hard subjects and see how they handle it. Rem they're very immature. We need to listen more than talking. They tell on themselves.

[@InTheBleakMidwinter]

Your work is amazing, even for someone like myself, I've been single for years, but everything you discuss is just vital for being aware and conscious of how we navigate through this world. Your video on controlling your emotions is golden, all of the boundaries videos and being self-reliant are so important. I have a 10-year-old girl and when she gets a bit older, along with feminist literature I already have waiting for her, I plan to share a lot of your videos with her to help her know how to protect herself from what at times seems like a world full of all mixtures of predators and abusers. Truly important and crucial information you so eloquently share

[@pieter9058]

Please don't brainwash her into a feminist. Too many women have bought into the feminist lie, and end up single and alone.

[@user-he6rs8xi7u]

Feminist literature is a mistake. Just guide her to confidence and competence.

[@edthewicked]

Those traits & behavior patterns that you described in this video are hauntingly familiar to me & accurately portray not only my mother, but both my younger siblings as well, and unfortunately, they’ve passed them on to my teenage niece now. Growing up in our family, physical abuse was never an issue, but the emotional tolls of being raised in an extremely passive aggressive environment can last a lifetime. Fortunately, for me, though in my 40s I befriended a very observant & wise individual who pointed out that I wasn’t really anything like the rest of both my immediate & extended families & after years of becoming my own man via self improvement and plenty of introspective effort, I’m well on my way to finding my true self

[@grizbear9519]

Six long ass years I was victimized by a female covert narc. I didn’t know what was happening. I have been no contact for a year and I still struggle everyday with the damage that has been done to my psyche. I call it emotional rape. Yes, men can be abused!!! I am proof of that! Good luck everyone

[@williamchevalier2224]

I just moved out of my covert mother's rent house and moved out of state. This is the freest I've been in over two years.

[@pamelar5868]

Thank you. It pains me to have to study these videos, but I am so glad to have them!

[@lb1203]

So I am just going to use this comment section to vent for a minute, cause I need to. So I walked away from a 10 year frindship that was incredibly toxic. I didn't see if for a long long time. The first 5 years were just fine, but after we both became mothers I really started to see that this person didn't respect that we chose to parent differently, in fact she didn't respect me at all. To make a looong story short, at the end I found myself bursting into tears everytime I got in the car after visiting with her. And it took me WAY too long to realize how un-ok that was. I was extremely co-dependant and highly empathetic and I was so desperate to have that close female friend in my life, like most women! The two things she started to do towards the end (which correlated with when I met another friend who is now my best friend, so I think the abuse really started when she felt threatened by this new person in my life) She started bringing up my miscarriage to EVERYONE! She would talk about it at group events, birthday parties, random get togethers, and eventually EVERY SINGLE TIME I WOULD SEE HER she would bring it up. And what was the reason for this? To hurt me... She knew it hurt me... And I hate that I never once told her to stop, I was too weak I just walked away. This went on for over a year, I'm disgusted at myself for not standing up for myself at the time. But this wasn't even the end of it, then she started bringing up everytime I saw her that she thought my son had autism. No matter what I said, no matter how many times I blew off the conversation, she continued to talk about it. Eventually it turned from, "I think your son has autism." to "your son's autism." She had basically diagnosed him and WOULD TELL PEOPLE ABOUT IT IN FRONT OF ME!!!! And would talk about it when he was in ear shot. I never stood up for him and told her to shut to fuck up!!!! I have extreme guilt about that now that I'm working through. My son hated going over to her house because he was terrified of her, and so finally I stopped hanging out with her. Once I wasn't around her anymore and I started to actually work through these issues I finally began to piece things together... I am SOOOO glad I found youtubers like you that has helped me cope with all this. And I am SOOOOOOO thankfull that I found a wonderful friend that finally showed me how a true friend should treat you. If I never met my new best friend I probably would have stayed in that toxic friendship for too long and my son would have ended up with self esteem issues I'm sure. The cognitive dissonance is REAL, this woman went from being a best friend to a nightmare friend in a very short amount of time. And like I said I think it was when her friendship with me got threatened when things really went downhill. But looking back even when things were good they wern't actually that good. I still had to go to her house to hang out, in 10 years we only had 1 playdate at my house and that was only because she had a dentists appt out by me so I babysat the kids for her. Everything had to be in her timing around her schedule. The day after I had my miscarriage I still had to drive to her house so that I would have someone to be with me after going through that, and she even insisted on us running errands together, so we did. My husband would ask me why I still hung out with her after that, and after she started talking about the miscarriage at get togethers and when the autism thing started up, and I just excused it! I don't really know why. I would excuse it while crying about it! Even just typing this out now I'm just shaking my head in disbelief that I went SO long dealing with this awful person. Of course there were gems of good times sprinkled in throughout the years and that's how they get you to stay. Anyway, that's my story. Maybe this can help someone out there going through something similar. Dealing with covert narcissism in a long term friendship is also very painful!

[@williamheiden5240]

It’s really hard not to take it personally.

[@nancydelvalle7728]

For me to not take husbands words personally I ended up telling him that I cared more about what a homeless drug addict on the street thought of me then he did! Lol I would say begone satan to his face when he was trying to hurt me with evil words! That worked after a few months and he actually started to change.

[@Rasheens-Story]

I’m used to the name calling nothing g bothers me at this point and I never get offended because I don’t take it personally anymore. I was raised by a narcissist so nothing hurts me

[@dianalynn3453]

The gaslighting is extremely abusive. They are excellent actors and they seem to believe their own lies. Beware! If you suspect someone is gaslighting you, own your reality! And be prepared to RUN! They will destroy you if given the chance.

[@honesty.integrity.respect]

Ha! my education began the day I searched passive/aggressive behavior. He became my "narcissistic clinical trial", I kept a journal and documented everything.... it was mind blowing! Long story short... I flipped it.. no longer engaged.. pulled away, slowly.. and boom - Narcissistic Rage! Good

[@scouttrucker]

I would say “I would do it for you” when I was asking for her affection lol. She’d withhold affection CONSTANTLY and I always felt like I had to work for it

[@june012006]

I've been there, my NXW was very stingy with her affection. I'm glad to see you're using the past tense

[@timanspach]

I love this video! Every other video on narcissism basically just says run away vs learning to be stronger and finding your true self so that the narcissistic behaviors don’t effect you. Don’t make life easier make me stronger. I’ve learned more on how to be aware of my thoughts using CT and meditation from the narcissists in my life than any other personality type. Calm seas don’t make skilled sailors:)

[@kaseys7433]

I enjoy your channel and hope you could one day talk about controlling abuse that doesn’t necessarily use name calling or abusive words. Most of my partner’s abuse is in his actions and body language. He stares me down and shakes his head and it most often comes out anytime I am cleaning the house. He’ll go through things I throw out in the garbage 😢 It’s very uncomfortable. He’ll unplug the vacuum while I’m using it or stop the dishwasher to move the dishes around. I’ve asked him to stop 100 times and he won’t. It’s really starting to make me feel incompetent even though I know that’s not true. He doesn’t really call me names but this still feels like abuse. I’m in therapy and trying to improve, but I’m having a hard time finding people who experience this kind of abuse or know how to handle it.

[@sparklesp9304]

I'm in a work situation like this. He's invalidating you and crossing boundaries horribly. You need to bounce if you don't have children. The other thing you COULD do is to do it back to him, but he'll obviously lose it and it's going to escalate things because you're relationship is establishing on inequity.

[@davidrobert2007]

He is trying to destroy your self confidence by undermining everything you do. It's a lot like gaslighting. There is no easy way forward with this. A person can only change if they really want to change, and most of the time they don't, in my experience. Real change can take years to achieve. Sometimes it's easier to just walk away. Best wishes and good luck to you.

[@judymacdonald9294]

This is abuse. He's trying to show you whose in control like a bully.

[@Melissa-im7zv]

Ya that's abuse...He's trying to break you down. To make you feel like you can't do anything right/aren't good enough etc. & If you give him a reaction he will continue & it'll get worse ( you asking him to stop...it's like a kid playing a game repeatedly annoying a sibling etc cuz they can) he's being a bully! It's silly & childish. But after repeatedly doing it over time it does hurt your self esteem if not worse. Don't let it continue you know you deserve better!!

[@sunnybein1]

Leave.Its not your job to 'ger him to stop' it's your job not to tolerate it.Exit.

[@stevens2706]

Wow!! I wish I had learned this years ago!! I was oblivious!! 25 years of marriage, the last 7-8 have been terrible, slowly dying inside. I felt I was losing my sanity, I had no clue this behavior has a name, textbook!

[@JohnSmith-wo7ns]

My ex eventually just became a bully, not considering me at all, but making demands i had to carry out. I was so afraid of losing her I allowed this to happen. I should have just said no and ignored her threats. Think I might have an abandonment problem.

[@davidhinkson8856]

That was my ex's strategy as well, and for about ten years I tried because I didn't want to hurt our child by leaving. But then she gave me an ultimatum; to leave when she turned eleven, and so said, so done as she started smearing me with her at that time.

[@JohnSmith-wo7ns]

@@davidhinkson8856 such a cruel experience, I hope you and your child can have a happier future.

[@cherrybell2995]

Just say no to these bullies. You deserve better because what you want matters, not just what they want no. You have a right to say no and live life way you want to. My daughter in law is a narcissist who has hurt my son badly and he's in prison because of the maltreatment she dumped on him. And I'm worried about my grandchildren that she also emotionally uses them instead of really respecting them as human beings. The narssasiste only sees every one as a extinction of themselves or what they want. God bless you and don't cheat yourself out of happy healthy relationships. Avoid those narcissistic people.

[@JohnSmith-wo7ns]

@@cherrybell2995 thank you Cherry and I know you're completely right. For me it was about lack of self respect self esteem and believing she was the best I would ever get, I was also manipulated over the 13 years. I was weak and didn't have the strength to say no, I was terrified of losing her. Still miss her but won't allow anyone to treat me like that again. I'm sorry for what happened to your son and I hope he can somehow recover and you all have a peaceful future. God bless you too.

[@IntoMurph]

“ if I work on me I’ll get that version of that person back “ 🙋‍♂️ She groomed me to think I could never meet her needs and being a pleaser it consumed my every thought, true hamster wheel

[@geoffreythomas2938]

The eerily stages of meeting a person reminds me of the first impression of a stranger trap, Once we get a first impression good and bad we find it difficult to imposable to change hour minds.

[@jimbeam7160]

It's harder for men...we don't have hundreds of admirers chasing us for a chance to spend money on them while hoping their not running six guys with some simps in the bullpen in case they need some affirmation. Half way good looking women, can run circles around men and treat them like cat toys, because they have so many cat toys who will respond to their attentions. They can get spoiled. They can filter hundreds of fools and play all of them. They have what men wished they had: instant gratification and affirmation. If they like sex, look out.....they're gonna go on a run that would make any Don Juan jealous. Look out for the serial love bomber or flirt. Hint: they flirt with every half way decent guy, because they needs lots of attention...even if married.

[@Waltergoodboy]

“I thought you’d be the one to finally understand and accept me”.....ugh....forgot that one.

[@brandyejordan8878]

You have played a huge role in saving my life. I feel as if I have searched the World over for any kind of validation. When I so sadly realized that the validation I so desperately needed would never come from him I set out to find it for myself. It sucked the life right out of me. This was six months ago. After accidentally stumbling across your video today I quickly realized this is the first time I have truly been able to breathe again. I feel light as a feather as though a real physical weight has been lifted from my physical being. ❤

[@Sayaka25]

Thank you for this video. For explaining cognitive dissonance, I didn't know what it was. I saw myself in your words "we tend to try to change ourselves in order to have that good side of them come back". I am struggling with a breakup which was a narcissistic discard and I always have to remind myself not to beat myself up because I couldn't have changed whatever image they had of me. Thank you so much...

[@corporaterobotslave400]

I've known some of these types and yes it is very hard to see it at first; you have to spend time with them and watch their habits. I think of them as the lowest losers in the entire narcissist spectrum. They love to have ppl commiserate with them.

[@rwoodyk5112]

This is a really good video, thanks! I’ve noticed when my response to them is honesty with no hostility, it shuts them down, even embarrasses them.

[@carlahoglund8914]

This is a great podcast!! I’m learning so much about my abuse that he kept labeling “relationship”. I was so worn down that even when the discard was happening, I was told if I just went back to the way it was, him being in control & dictating what we did, it would all work out. I saw through it finally & just kept having boundaries with detachment to his 2 year constant shaming. It was hell & when I said he needed to leave, he didn’t know what was happening. Silly me, I kept thinking, if he knew I was serious surely he would back down!!! Wrong, he just got his back burner plan B lined up & went on to say he just wants to live his life!!! Ha! He’s done nothing but have his way for 45 years! I’m soo grateful to be out!! Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

[@sunshinestate1306]

How long ago was this and how has your healing journey come along?

[@mrrobert6173]

Thank You Stephanie. I enjoy watching your KZbin Videos. You have helped me more than you will ever know by educating me about these toxic people. Have a great day. And God Bless You for all of your hard work that you put into your KZbin Channel. 🙏✝️❤️

[@ja9creative]

Your videos have helped get myself out of a very dark place. Navigated through a relationship exactly as described in this video and was constantly gaslit to think I was the one with issues. Thank you for making them so relatable and easy to follow.

[@rubberbiscuit99]

They ask a lot of questions to test you, trying to locate your vulnerabilities. Or they intuit possible vulnerabilities from your life circumstances. It is gross.

[@NopeNotTodaySatan]

They sure do!

[@vitkomusic6624]

This video helps. Thank you. She is covert +vulnerable + Bipolar type of. Person. Kids are picking up from her. That's the sad part.

[@zion367]

It would be so helpful to have a video where you share some scripts we can use. Sometimes it can be hard to find the right words to say...

[@zion367]

@Leigh Ann Walters Yeah, just a video with different scripts on different things they say. The crap they use is quite universal, so thats not too much of an issue. Thanks, I will check out that video you recommanded❤

[@VEE-rd7cu]

I had this 'friend ' that talked about her being empathic, a victim of, her many illnesses, etc. She went into tamper tantrums whenever she was questioned or she didn't like my consult, which she said was inadequate because she had a PHD. She has stopped talking to me 2x because I told her the truth about something that she didn't see. It didn't occur to me that she was a Narcissist until another friend introduced me to Covert Narcissist. Her last temper tantrums, I stopped returning her phone calls. I hope she is well, she threatened suicide alot.

[@cherrybell2995]

Yeah I actually know people like that to it's so exhausting to try and make them happy you feel so much better when you don't spend time with them. But yes I do pray for one's I know too. I'm just not that excited about hanging out with dramatic characters.

[@taze317]

I just beat a narcissist in a court situation. My daughter. She was trying to get my wife out of my life, and she came close to succeeding, but I have video of her lying to a 911 operator. The judge saw that video. I was never asked a single question, the judge's first sentence was a finding in my favor. My daughter lost her mind. I know she's super angry, and I don't trust her one bit. But I don't fear her at all, and she knows this. I am going to be suing her very soon, and I'm going to win because of the video, and the fact that I documented EVERYTHING!

[@scouttrucker]

My ex would tell me she wanted to be feared by people and control them and I stupidly let that pass like it was a joke. She also told me she wanted a relationship where she could pick on me and talk sht to me and me not be offended by it. No! It was so obvious who I was with and I didn’t know how to spot it

[@lexiconartist5004]

My ex was an eternal victim, the narcissism she had would undulate between EXTREME insecurity and extreme narcissism.

[@casperinsight3524]

Realize the biggest fantasy is that they will change 💥 Leopards don't change their spots so if you can't tolerate their mistreatment that requires you to change.

[@hannahkarpov7269]

I cannot begin to describe to you how helpful this was for me.

[@sally5256]

Wow! Thank you soo much for this insight! Incredible and the interactions with a covert narcissist so clearly explained: the reasons why, the actions and what they look like and how to respond. It took 3.5 years and 3 break ups. Watching this and many other of your videos, I am now more aware of the patterns. Until the last break up, I believed my ex was a fearful avoidant. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. After watching this, it is clear that he is not an FA. It is hard to accept but now I know with help from you,Stephanie, some further self study and others who are passionate like you and have graciously shared their knowledge and experiences. Thank you 🙏 ❤

[@JaneKellie-ku3gn]

I was in an abusive relationship with my ex-partner for 16 years. His both Son's Played Along With Manipulation Against Me Too. I didn't see the patterns..When I did Realise Their Patterns , I finally left this person . I was left Confused, Sad & Untrusting With Most People Around Me. I Joined A Women's Group..And Was Taught About..... *'Boundaries * ...How To Creat A Line Of * Boundaries*... ,... Where No One Has The Right To Over-Step My Personal Spaces. I Still Remain To Be Single. & Enjoying Life Again.. - & Finding A Whole New Me. Thankyou Stephanie Lyn.. For You !

[@PunkForAReason]

You don´t have to tolerate ANYTHING you don´t want. Say goodbye to these people and move on, life ios so beautiful to be spending it besides someone so rotten

[@stylist62]

Exactly what happened, what I did, started working on me to stay sane, I got traumatized, they still won’t stop the abuse, they don’t see what they do to your health. No matter what you do.I was very good to him, I found a lady that understood said my thinking was very clear, started working on myself🙏🥵they want a slave and punching bag. What do they want when they get everything? They want blood from a turnip, while they change their minds every other minute 🥵good grief

[@chadfontaine2717]

I 100% go grey rock with my ex wife. But unfortunately my kid is tied up in her world. His mom blew him off on his birthday to go on a self-serving trip with her boyfriend. He called her on his bday, a tuesday, because he wanted to talk with his mom. She mentioned that he unfortunately wont be able to come over on her place the following friday because she will get back late. And unfortunately not on the saturday either because she has a dinner party at a friends house. And that it only happens once a year. So she doesnt want to miss it. My kid replied… “Well… my birthday only happens once a year too”. Damn good for my boy! Proud of him for speaking out. Unfortunately the narcissist who is his mother went on to tell him how its no big deal and they will be celebrating his birthday on the following sunday. Mixed in with thanksgiving dinner. So basically when she has time and there is nothing better for her going on that day. All the while telling him how important he is to her and how much she loves him. Classy :(

[@1c2h3e4u5n6g]

I would do it for you ; This always happens to me ; You're too sensitive; You're the only one who doesn't understand me, no one else has a problem with it ;

[@kaarinaseppala4202]

Thank you so much, you spoke the words...... that narssist has to learn to adapt..... I have listened to a few videos by different presenters about narssism, but you are the first one to tell the listeners about......narssist having to adapt.....to actually be kind of involved I think, in thinking and mannerism of other people around him or her. That is such a blessing to hear. that a narssist can be able to adapt to views and ways of others, allowing some lee way for others to live with their own personality. All I had heard until now has been very negative, no hope living anf coping with narssists.

[@kelley4795]

My husband is quiet, humbled, can act super affectionate and ready to drop anything to help another person. However, he cheats on me weekly, sometimes more than once a week. As long as I don't complain or challenge him, life is good...for him. If I challenge him or ask him a question, he will yell and get very angry, telling me to shut my mouth, I'm looking for trouble, he doesn't need to tell me what he's doing. He will send me loving texts right before seeing this other person, and do nice things for me afterwards but will show NO emotion other than anger when I tell him how he's hurting me. I have tried several times to kick him out but he won't leave, so now I have to try to find a place, which requires more money and I have a hard time finding a place. I don't even know how I can have the conversation because he will not take me seriously. I feel like I'm wearing the mask....having to smile and be loving when I am so full of resentment and anger, feeling like I have to submit to other things so as not to start an argument, all the while being resentful because all I do is compare myself to the other women. I always second guess myself and I feel stuck..... I deserve better

[@Layove803]

I’m going thru the same exact thing

[@kelley4795]

@@Layove803 im sorry….. I hope you can find a way out…….life is too short

[@Blackstock123]

After the longest time biting my tongue and keeping the peace I was in a situation where I had no choice but to stand up to my narc the look on their face was utter shock, I went off script, I said I had to do whats best for me. The amount of anger and lies I got after that was staggering, thankfully we parted ways which was their idea surprisingly they knew the gig was up at that point.

[@jennyjohnson9579]

Same happened with me. So dang happy I have learned about the covert narcissist.

[@Blackstock123]

@@jennyjohnson9579 Yeah life is to short to be around such people, if anything these types of people teach you what to look for, I was so naive to this type of person, unfortunately I feel like I needed to experience their bad behavior firsthand to be able to see it in others, if that makes sense, but once you know you know.

[@jimbeam7160]

@@Blackstock123 It took me two dedicated narcs......to wake up. The red flags are right in front of you. Thing is...I would never want to be like these weirdos. They have some kind of hole that was filled by an unholy spirit.

[@jimbeam7160]

@@amuart8997 Run. While running you can curse them, or just keep your head down. These weirdos have an anger retaliation overkill rage from being frustrated as they notice others actually enjoying life. ENVY is a big thing for these weirdos. They don't have self awareness...hence the ENVY. No one can really stomach them for long, and the spice of life is being social. So they create an inauthentic social mask while missing out on all the humor, and trust.

[@Blackstock123]

@@amuart8997 you have a good point, it is better to say something rather than suffer in misery, and let them continue the abuse, at the time I didn't want to put gasoline on the fire mainly because of the situation I was in.

[@richardbensinger6922]

I insisted on the truth. The dragon disappeared. That doesn't mean I'm dropping my shield.

[@adellinatijerina9481]

When she said the phrase “nobody helps me anyways” I immediately thought back to my childhood and always hearing my mom say this to me. I’ve dealt with narcissistic abuse since childhood and it’s taken a toll on my mental health for the majority of my life till the point I started using substances and alcohol to numb myself out. I literally feel like I’ve been crying for help my entire life but it has also made me question myself into believing that after years of abuse my mother might have created a narcissist out of me and all her children. I’m kind of scared of this thought and obviously I need to seek therapy to find out for sure but I feel it could be a possibility that my sisters and I might have some narcissistic traits that we got during childhood and I can see all my toxic behaviors now as a 24 yr old. I just wish I had some sort of clarity on this.

[@amberfreitag42]

Thank you so much Steph! Customer service is not always cake

[@Tatjana.B]

My ex was covert narcissist. He made me deeply depressed. He claimed that he has no son when I found out. He lied in the my two eyes without any facial expression. He took all my credit cards and money. And mother of his son works in police and that's reason why my case isn't solved for two and half years. Discard was in Hollywood style. He lied that he has metasthases and gonna make last dinner in Velebit, croation biggest mountain. At the same time he was looking for fun with his friends with my money.

[@Linda2]

I to was married to a Covert Narcissistic man. 37 years of marriage he was diagnosed with Pancreatic Caner and had two year's left to live. When the Specialist told us, I thought "I'm going to be free". I'm not ashamed of that. As time passed he displayed emotions and words that were beyond belief. .I thought if he says that once more I will react and he did say it, which was, " your life isnt worth living ,you might as well be dead" referring to the intense headaches I had constantly. I replied, "I'm not the one who has a death sentence hanging over my head, you are". It shut him up! It felt good to say it, but also felt bad that I said it as it wasn't like me. 10 years later I am enjoying my life and just being me. I have been involved with three narcissistic people, two women and one man. I am learning, slowly to recognise the red flag's. The last one I knew early in the piece, " she's one of them, 🏃‍♂️ 🏃‍♀️. I did and have nothing to do with her . It's never too late, you have to be brave, no where as brave as you have been, staring at the person you are involved with now. I consider myself fortunate that my freedom came with his death and it took year's to find my feet in life. I rearly get headaches these days. 😊

[@lustertone8587]

For me, finding a therapist and becoming educated has been the most eye opening and depressing thing to begin working through... I have been through one very stressful divorce and am currently in a toxic marriage of nearly 19 years not knowing about my cPTSD. I was mis-diagnosed during my divorce as having bipolar and that has played heavily into the continual downward spiral of my self worth and happiness because of the negativity and other tactics that have been used by my spouse. I'm thankful for the people and information I am now finding that are helping me understand and begin the steps of healing and moving forward with a hope for a brighter future.

[@buscats]

This is one of the most helpful videos I've seen on how to deal with this type of person. Thank you!

[@kittykat632]

When I let him chip away at me and make underhanded comments it was because I knew that he had very little self esteem so I jist ignored them. I see now that he saw it as me having low self esteem and he tried feeding off if that but it backfired because I ended up leaving him after assuring him I wouldn't

[@johnmax9306]

Wow, they f you up so bad you sometimes think you're the narcissist.

[@budogacha]

Michelle.always so clean and articulate in your delivery..So on point

[@QueenBeeDigital]

The man I love is a narcissist. I can’t believe it, I’m so devastated.

[@casperinsight3524]

This validates my experiences succinctly ~ I appreciate your practical advice 💎

[@notsheepish8304]

You explained covert narcissism, but I don't recall you giving any actual phrases they might use.