Summary and Takeaways from Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love by Lisa Marie Bobby

In this video, I'll give you my summary and takeaways from the book called Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love by Lisa Marie Bobby.
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*** A full transcript can be found at www.marblejar.net. ***
Hi, everyone. This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar channel and in today's video, I'll give you my summary and takeaways from the book called Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love by Lisa Marie Bobby.
I'm now a mental health therapist in residence and I have been reading as many books as I can on every condition, every human issue, every disorder so that I can be as helpful as possible to my clients. And I figured, if I'm going to read these books -- I should share my summaries with you, so here goes.
The book I read most recently is about Love Addicts, which the author, Lisa Marie Bobby, calls Exaholics. The reason this book appeals to me is that after hearing account after account of the loss, grief, and anxiety that people go through after break-ups, it started to occur to me that love was pretty similar to an addiction -- and that breakups felt a lot like withdrawal. This book is, by no means, the only one to make this claim, there are lots, but it did happen to be the one that my library had available and it may be the most recent since it was published in 2019.
Okay -- before I get into the contents of this book, if you are going through a rough break-up, I would highly recommend reading or listening to this book as an act of self care. The author is sympathetic and nurturing and understanding and the whole thing will make you feel less crazy and less alone with your enormous feelings. And that is where she starts.
It's Normal
The whole first part of the book is about how normal it is to feel terrible after a significant relationship ends. In fact, she sort of indicates that we as a society are way too quick to expect people to chin up and get over it afterwards. The bottom line is that it is normal to feel grief and pain and anger (not necessarily in that order) and you may feel crazy, but that's normal too. Even if you've determined that you've fallen in love with the wrong or a toxic person, that doesn't mean that you necessarily have low self esteem or are a terrible judge of character. The influence of love is incredibly powerful -- some might say addictive. The end of a relationship is like going cold turkey from a addiction. You crave an attachment that no longer exists. Then she dives into what for me was the most fascinating part of the book --
Why is Love Addictive?
First she talks about the critical role of attachment or love in our survival as human beings. Love is as important to our survival as a species as is food, water, or shelter. Because we are so vulnerable when we are born, our survival drive for love and attachment is hard wired directly into our brains and our nervous systems. And what is fascinating to me -- is that apparently, love is the original addiction. The euphoria that we feel when we are first in love is created by a cocktail of neurotransmitters or brain chemicals. Love increases the level of dopamine in our brains -- which creates euphoria and goal seeking. And it decreases the levels of serotonin, which is responsible for satisfaction and contentment. So, essentially, people in love feel euphoric, goal driven, anxious, agitated, compulsive, and impulsive. Just like people who have snorted cocaine. In fact, she makes the point that those neural pathways were designed originally to motivate us to attach to another person -- and they are highjacked by other chemical addictions like heroin, nicotine, and alcohol. Love is the original addiction -- everything else is just borrowing those neural pathways and brain chemicals. People tend to have different feelings towards those recovering from a broken relationship than from those recovering from a chemical dependency, but frankly the brain mechanisms are almost identical.
Love Stages
She does cite Helen Fisher's work on the stages of love which include Lust, Romantic Attraction, and Attachment. The attachment stage is characterized by a decrease in dopamine and increase in serotonin so that you feel less euphoric, but more satisfied and calm. Unfortunately, a rupture in the relationship even in later stages can throw your brain chemistry into an uproar and throw us back into feeling obsessive and impulsive. When love is blocked or rejected, our feelings of passion are magnified which is why toxic relationships are sometimes the most addictive. I found all of this stuff fascinating. The next section discusses the two stages of love withdrawal . . .

[@MystyqueOne]

This is a phenomenal summary. So good that I am going to purchase the book. Thank you for your summaries. They are thorough and straight to the point.

[@sumood67]

Very helpful. The book is more expensive than average cost.

[@raffyleal]

I've been suffering for 11 years. Each day is just like my first week of break up. I wish I had amnesia.

[@KittyFloof]

I’m sorry. I felt the same way every time I had a serious breakup. Again, the amnesia part is where I think of the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind where Jim Carry’s character tried to erase all the memory. After breakups, we tend to feel like that and it’s absolutely normal. Honestly, it’s going to be a long arduous process for you to heal. But start by talking to friends and family. Sharing your thoughts helps quite a bit. I spent a lot of time with my friends when I went through a breakup. Right now, I try to spend every week with one person from my social circle and it’s been cathartic. Or travel if you are able to. I kept distracting myself and it somewhat worked for me. I went through a breakup 6 months and I’m still not ready to date. I feel like I still have a lot of wound that needs to be addressed. It’s a process. Anyways, I have said enough. Hopefully you feel better. Hang in there. Good luck! 🍀

[@raffyleal]

@@KittyFloof she took all the "friends" I thought I had. I don't speak to my mother, she treats me like garbage, she worships my ex and blames me for our relationship to come to an end. Every time I bump into somone from my past all they do is ask about us as if I would remain in touch with the woman who left me to be with another man. I reinvented myself several times but people insist in bringing back the past. We lived together for 7 years. I want to erase that memory from my life.

[@julieboehme7241]

This explains why a ex in alcohol addition recovery cannot let me go even after 2.5 years.

[@KittyFloof]

Your comment made me laugh… My ex called me to try things again (after 4 years) while he was engaged to some other person.

[@naudi4791]

Thanks for the breakdown

[@KittyFloof]

Thanks for sharing this review. My therapist referred this book to me. I’m wondering whether to buy it or not or get it through Libby.