What Every Therapy Client Should Know 07 - Stop Negative Behaviors

In this video, I’ll talk about the two different kinds of change and the first step - breaking old behavior patterns.
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*** A full transcript can be found at www.marblejar.net. ***
Hi, everyone. This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar Channel and this is the seventh video in a series where I share information that I think EVERY therapy client should know. In this video, I’ll talk about the two different kinds of change and the first step - breaking old behavior patterns.
In the last couple of videos, I’ve discussed how to create emotional safety -- both external and internal. Emotional safety is the WD-40 that greases the skids to allow behavior change to happen. And unfortunately, it isn’t a one and done thing. In order to challenge your old habits and create new ones, you will inevitably feel discomfort and anxiety. And every time you feel this, you will need to re-stabilize yourself either by co-regulating with someone else or regulating your own emotions and create safety within.
Let’s talk about the two different kinds of change: behavioral and developmental.
- Behavioral change is just about acquiring a new habit. For example, let’s say I decide that I want to start brushing my teeth after lunch every day. Changing this habit is just a matter of remembering to do it -- or making the supplies available. Emotional safety is not required for this kind of behavioral change because there is no element of emotional resistance.
- Developmental change is harder because this change will make you anxious or uncomfortable in some way. So, an example of this might be getting rid of some clutter for someone who has hoarding tendencies or taking away chocolate for an emotional eater. Even a small change will bring up anxiety. The good news is that working through your discomfort and making small developmental changes is the muscle that pushes open your window of tolerance and each change builds upon the last. This is the path to real personal growth.
So, all that is well and good, but how do you go about changing your behavior patterns? Again, for developmental changes -- you need to talk to the emotional brain because it is the thing standing in the way of these changes.
Let me give you another example. Let’s say you know full well that you should be able to say “no” and set good boundaries, but somehow, when it comes to saying “no” to heading up that committee or taking on that extra assignment, you just can’t bring yourself to say it. Now, your human brain can give you 10,000 reasons why that is ridiculous -- you should absolutely be able to say “no” -- but somehow your mammal brain is drenched with anxiety at the thought. You can know it in your head, but not in your heart. And that 12” from your head to your heart might be the longest road you’ll ever travel.
Breaking Old Patterns
Before you can say "no", you have to stop yourself from saying "yes." You have to stop your old patterns before you can replace them with new ones. And because these are developmental changes, we need to apply a lot of emotional safety as we navigate these steps. Again, an intellectual approach is not going to work here because you are dealing with your mammal brain. So, how do you break negative behavior cycles with a scared puppy?
- Notice - so much of our actions and behavior patterns are just on autopilot. We don’t even know how we are reacting most of the time. So, the first thing is just to start noticing what we are doing and thinking. Notice the patterns we want to be able to change. The clinical term for this is Mentalization -- or thinking about thinking. In fact, a lot of mindfulness training is really about noticing. You can do this on your own, but it can be really helpful to have a trained therapist help to notice the patterns and behaviors you might want to change.
- Slow down - Now that you are noticing your behavior patterns, in order to do something different, you need to slow WAY down. Your routine behavior is like a speedway at this point. If you want to take a different route, you need to slow down to find a way off the highway. So, what does this look like? In the middle of an argument -- take a break. Just 5-10 minutes to cool down, notice your reactions, and come back to try something new. Or how about this? Instead of arguing in person, slow down by arguing over text. Then, you can slow down and change the way you are responding in real time. This is important for behavior change -- slow it down so that you can break the cycle. Meditation is really just a combination of these last two elements -- noticing and slowing down with a healthy dose of acceptance thrown in. . .

[@MasterinTechnologywithAjay]

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