SURVIVING A BORDERLINE PARENT: NORMALIZING OUR STRUGGLE AS CHILDREN

This video describes the messages and interpretations we might receive from parents who may struggle with UNTREATED Borderline Personality Disorder, according to the book "Surviving a Borderline Parent," written by Roth and Friedman.
As always, the intention of this video and information is to help validate those who were raised by parents who struggled, and not to further stigmatize those individuals with BPD.
There has been a massive shift in the diagnoses of BPD, and increased awareness, and it's important to know that treatments like DBT, DBT parenting skills and other treatment modalities can be incredibly helpful and effective in supporting those with BPD.
However, this video and the book are focused upon validating and helping the children of parents with BPD, and there is no real way to validate without also acknowledging the range of experiences and impacts upon children, when parents were (or are) untreated, unsupported and/or unaware or uninterested in getting treatment.
Regardless of diagnostic labels, which are generally not helpful, it can be incredibly validating to finally understand why a parent may have treated us certain ways in childhood, and in our adulthoods as well.
Knowing what we now know, about the impact of trauma and mental health upon the development of children, I am hopeful that we can move in a direction of helping and validating children and parents who suffer, so we can all benefit as individuals, families and societies...
xo
****FOR MORE INFORMATION ONLINE COURSES AND FREE CHECKLIST:
www.drsagehelp.com
**************************
Please check out my courses (LINK ABOVE):
1. BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PARENTS: HEALING AND DEALING WITH YOUR TRAUMA
(*This course is designed specifically for you if you were raised by parents who had Narcissistic, Borderline or significantly Emotionally Immature parents.)
2. RE-MOTHERED: TRANSFORM YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD INTO AN INTERNALIZED, LOVING "MOTHER"
(***This course is designed to help you learn to heal your inner child AND your inner parent if you experienced a complicated childhood or challenging relational wounds).
3. IDENTIFYING CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT (FREE COURSE)
CHECKLIST IS INCLUDED IN ALL 3 COURSES!!**
xo
***Please note! I am so sorry but my practice is full at this time and I cannot accept new patients. If you would like to be added to my waitlist, please email me at [e-mail] and I will email you only when a spot becomes available. I cannot guarantee a spot will open, however, so please know I care very much, but am limited at this time given my case load.
* Additionally, I am only able to work with California residents for weekly therapy once available. If you are interested, please also add in a few brief details in your email including your reasons for seeking treatment, current diagnoses, concerns, etc.

[@sixthsenseamelia4695]

For myself, journaling or writing down personal thoughts & feelings is extremely triggering. I don't do it, it's re-traumatising. BPD mother: never write down anything you don't want others to read or share. Then proceeds to sneakily read all private correspondence & share it with others.

[@jetpetty1613]

I know exactly what you mean. Feeling that what ever you write down meant only for yourself will be found, read, and used against you - as well as a topic of discussion with others 😑

[@kairosdeverdant5211]

Actually it’s healing to write things down for oneself. Feeling is Dealing and one can’t Heal if they Don’t Feel! Trust me - I’ve been there, done that and every day I’m grateful for the courage it took me to face down the effects of circumstances I didn’t deserve, had no control over but had to live through- I’m better for it and such is the human condition- even Jesus Christ was Crucified- think about that before you wave the Victim Flag!

[@kairosdeverdant5211]

@@jetpetty1613 You need a better hiding place for your written thoughts - that’s all

[@kairosdeverdant5211]

Find a better place to hide your journal - never share anything electronically that no one else should know - you owe yourself the gift of growth and moving past victimhood

[@sixthsenseamelia4695]

@@kairosdeverdant5211 Unsolicited advice from an anonymous know-it-all who uses imperative language to gaslight others.

[@lindarodriguez57]

I have been watching your videos for a few months and I started to understand what happened to me. Your words describe my childhood the emptiness inside, the painful abuse and neglect. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful and hard work.❤ Only beautiful souls like you can help, save, and rescue others.

[@mammadijacopo3347]

Finding you here on youtube has changed my life. Its been like finding a parallel universe I never knew existed. I have been having difficulties for years trying to understand my ‘different’ way of living (need to isolate, be alone, auto-regulation, anxiety, need to stick to a routine, need to tidy, no friends, little social life, travel alone). I just thought I was different. Now I Know: Complex PTDS… I have ordered most of the books on your reading list and plan to buy your re-mothering course. Thank-you for being You, Dr. Sage❤ you are a true blessing

[@ladennayoung2939]

I have learned to ignore the rude and negative comments for the most part. It kind of make them look silly in the end. Most miserable people are just looking for a fight. Because they hate themselves and is miserable with themselves.

[@Puma-wv2gb]

I feel different. I clearly remember at situation with my mother at age 3-4 and I remember telling myself that something was wrong with Mom. I always knew something was very wrong with her.

[@cheryldailing1294]

Same! I ran away at age 3 to the house next door because the mother was so nice... I'm 56 and my mother still thinks this is cute but I was serious

[@sixthsenseamelia4695]

I ran away often. Neighbours would end up telling me to go home. I was 8 when I decided that my mother was off her head & I had to get the F owta Dodge....Lived on the streets by age 11. Safer than at home.

[@cheryldailing1294]

@@sixthsenseamelia4695 I'm 56 but if I were being brought up by her today I would definitely be in foster care

[@Staranaise]

Oh wow, same. A specific memory. It's the feeling she gave me I remember most. I would feel like that a million more times. Went NC 10 months ago, I'm 49. It's never too late! Take care.

[@pambrown5382]

Ditto, a moment I remember clear as a bell, knowing I was in deep trouble, age 4.

[@charlotteburton9483]

I once was given a book that was to write in, and it asked sweet questions about my childhood memories. I couldn't answer one question in the book with anything positive. My childhood was a war zone.

[@AlitaAvenger]

🙏 P.S. So far I was lucky not seeing any lowlife comments on your channel. Unfortunately evil is everywhere in this world... Awesome video again, brilliantly spoken content. Best regards.

[@pambrown5382]

I knew from age 4 (approximately) that I was in trouble and that this wasn't unconditional love. Advise for people, don't be like me and wait until you are 65 to sort yourself out.

[@isafreche8]

People are often shocked by my inherent resiliency. I never realised i was resilient until people pointed it out to me at work. I put it down to surviving the constant daily barrage and assault of the childhood trauma I endured from my bpd mother. The constant walking on eggshells. The constant hypervigilence. The constant scanning of visual and audible warning signs. Now I'm an adult and that childhood threat has gone I can now tolerate high degrees of stress which are just a slight bother to me but other 'normal' people are completely shattered by. And it baffles me. It's normal to me to put up with impossibly difficult situations. I'm astounded at how weak other people are. I guess they're lucky but also very spoilt to not have learnt to live with stress. Does having a happy childhood make you weak and less capable of surviving adulthood? Nothing is more stressful than your own parent being a threat to your survival. When the person who is supposed to be your protector becomes your attacker then you'll really know what stress is.

[@saraneil262]

So sorry you’ve had to deal with trolls! You are helping so many people. We truly appreciate you. Thank you for what you do.

[@AndieDenise]

Thank you, Dr. Sage. These videos are super helpful ❤

[@DrKimSage]

You are so welcome - thank you so much for being here.❤️

[@Lauracupcake1121]

I adored my mom as a child, I couldnt understand why anyone disliked her, she was perfect in my eyes, I suffered so deeply when she would be in abusive relationships and I couldnt fix her or see that I was enough, we didnt need to be around men who hurt her, this has caused a lot of pain because my child self deeply loved my mother and I still do. I have learned to have a good low contact relationship and seeing that whenever she is throwing her temper tantrums or behaving like a child, thats exactly what she is in the body of an adult, boundaries and seeing things in that light helps

[@Sarah-KateH]

You’re so right…. If you’ve had childhood trauma and had to survive in whatever way you can. It gives you an advantage almost in difficult or dangerous situations. Most people would panic but you just KNOW how to deal with it. Thank you. You’re being very mindful of so many variables in background, past etc. it’s that line you’re balancing. Tend to agree with blocking negs. This channel from my own perception of what I see so far is child of stuff. I’m truly grateful

[@ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh9551]

Leaning on this so much right now. Wedding planning and allowing her to be involved has really been horrific and a horrible experience. Needed to deeper into this.

[@SAVANNAHSOUTHBEACH]

Hi Dr. I really can say my childhood was amazing, but as my parents got older, wow. I deal with a narcissist verbally abusive dad, and i really can't bear to around him. Thank you 🙏💕💕

[@randomcrap4230]

I still tend to self gaslight, even after doing a deep dive on this stuff for over 2 years now and finding all sorts of validation in the process, it's like I still have a little part of me that says "You're being dramatic...it wasn't that bad...she wasn't that bad...you're making things up to make your life sound more interesting to others," etc. It's SO annoying. But the part here about parenting yourself and learning not to trust/depend on others for their wellbeing, etc. brought up a weird memory of this guy I dated when I was 19, which was 20 years ago now. He was older than me and ended up being a creeper of epic proportions, but I remember us talking one night....I can't for the life of me remember WHAT we were talking about but it had to have been some kind of deep conversation about our psychology and they reasons we are who we are. I had said something that took him by surprise I guess, because there was a weird "omg" type of quiet reaction from him and then he said "well I guess that makes sense really....it sounds like you basically raised yourself." And my gut reaction at the time was "no I didn't! My mom was always here! I told a lie somewhere...I made my mom look bad somehow," etc. But I didn't. I realize now how sooooo much of my childhood was spent alone, hiding out in the woods behind my house or in my bedroom with my toys, trying not to rock the boat. I was responsible for cooking my own food and feeding myself and hygiene/self care by the time I was 7. That was around the time my mom stopped viewing me as a cute little baby doll she could play with however she wanted, and I started being a real life human person with my own thoughts and feelings and opinions that she didn't particularly care for, so she lost interest in me as anything other than a resource for herself. She only wanted anything to do with me when I was providing something for her ...listening to her trauma dumps or trash talking my dad, dragging me around as her "shopping buddy" when I was bored out of my mind, making her look good when I was in school, telling her I loved her or making her laugh, etc. I remember thinking it was so weird when I would watch TV and families would all sit down to dinner together, because if I wanted to have dinner, I had to pull something out of the freezer and cook it myself and then eat alone in front of the tv. Lol I literally thought family dinners ONLY happen on tv shows until I got old enough to spend more time at friends' houses. I learned very early not to disturb my mom when she was pouting in her room or I would get the wrath. So I lived on boxed Mac and cheese, packages of ramen noodles, frozen pizza, and pb&j/grilled cheese sandwiches...things easy to read directions on and do myself. I knew better than to ask for help with homework most of the time so I tried my best or just didn't do it at all if I didn't understand, because I knew if I asked my mom she would just get frustrated and blame ME for that frustration. I learned that asking for help with ANYTHING would typically garner that response, and eventually that spilled out into the rest of my life as well. I remember having legitimate panic attacks at the thought of having to go up and interrupt my teacher to ask for help because I thought they would hate me if I did...so I sat quietly and just got it wrong if I didn't understand it and didn't have a trusted friend near me to ask. To this day, I am 39 years old and will walk around in a store looking for something for an hour before I would dare find someone who works there and interrupt them to ask where what I am looking for would be located. I don't really know how to reprogram that voice in my brain that says "everyone will hate you if you need help."

[@cathyhunnemeder3064]

You CAN get better and overcome this! Keep trying! Don’t EVER give up!,,

[@deanej]

Thank you for sharing your idea to block online negativity. I can hear a boundary reset in your voice! It made me see the parallel between an online ‘block’ and ‘no contact’ - blocking is no contact for the online world! And certainly, there are people in our lives that we want to invest energy or at least attempt to keep contact, supported through implementation of boundaries, but a negative online trigger, bye bye BLOCK :) Also, I love your strategy of a ‘check-in’ with people around you who do not have a cptsd personality profile - like your children. When they say ‘Mom, just ignore that negative chatter’ I imagine it helps to reset our shame response to these negative triggers. I’m learning so much from your videos. Thank you!

[@Flyingrabbit2222]

It seems that many people today equate elevated self-esteem with delivering the "best" demeaning comment. Maybe it is the generation raised on texting. Its interesting how fast actually calling to talk with someone became unpopular and even rude when texting came into being. I agree blocking is the best way to deal with this as it robs them of their "15 seconds of fame". You come across as someone who is empathic and honest and it shows in your work. As someone older who has read many of the books you suggest, I appreciate your relating them to your experiences that so many of us share. Thank you, and keep blocking.

[@AprendeInglesConStephen]

You’re my new favourite KZbinr - you’re helping me so much. Thanks from the bottom of my heart 😊

[@wendyrobinson-wr4lg]

Thank you so much for talking about all the complexities of this. You are always spot on and it is an amazing revelation and such a relief - I couldn't find words for the confusion that was my childhood and adulthood, in relation to my mother particularly. Hearing someone articulate all this so accurately starts to clear up some of that confusion and I think that in itself is healing. Thank you so much.

[@newutoday]

By the way, good for you for blocking people who are being mean in the comments section. No one, especially those have no idea the gift you are providing them, should be allowed to have access to your free content if this is how they behave. The amount of content with minimal advertising you provide is a blessing.

[@carrielassiter8455]

❤ finally, someone understands! Thank you!!

[@Kelpy]

I was abused as a child, and ended up in college with a young woman as my girlfriend who had been the caretaker for her three younger siblings during and after a vary traumatic divorce. I really wish I had understood her better as well as my own problems, and we could have probably made a better go of it.

[@successfulperson3304]

Your channel is so good!! It’s amazing! I’m bingewatching the last few days! So healing you are really really good. And trust me I have had some therapy but your channel is what I needed. Love and hugs from the Netherlands

[@monicaszott3700]

Thank you for sharing ❤

[@rfeyman3682]

"This is about me, seeing my own value and worth and making sure they are treated properly. If people change the way they treat me based on my boundary good or bad, that's on them, that is not my focus. My focus is have I done the right thing for myself." - author Najwa Zebian

[@clairefalkiner4373]

Thank you for this incredible resource Dr Sage. As an adult child (Daughter) of a Mother with BPD I am having my mind blown watching your videos about it. So relatable and I appreciate this content so very much.

[@newutoday]

Thank you kindly Dr. Sage for your tireless commitment to this tough topic. Your content is thoughtful, helpful, and eye opening. My mom has an undiagnosed BPD and for the first time in my life, I can make sense of her crazy behavior and its impact on me, my husband and our adult children. I have been in the process of setting firmer boundaries with her and although helpful, after her latest verbal attack on me in front of my husband and son, have decided to stop reaching out to her. I have done this before but have always answered her calls when she decides she wants contact again. This time, I have decided when she reaches out, I will only speak with her on speaker phone in the presence of my husband and will tell her I no longer want contact with her until she gets professional help. I just can't continue in this relationship in its current state. You have helped me to see her disorder is not for me to fix and the only thing I can do, besides pray, is set very firm boundaries. THANK YOU!

[@ClandestineGirl16X]

So much love for you Dr. Sage! Hugs from NYC!

[@tia6468]

And you shouldn't feel bad to block whomever interferes with good you are doing trying to help so many of us heal your insight has done so much for us because understanding is dealing and dealing is healing,,,, period!!!!

[@AshleyMulanax]

You have been so helpful to understand what I believe I went through as a child. I'm currently no contact with both parents (mom-BPD, dad-narcissistic) and wondering where to go from here. If neither of them are making efforts to acknowledge the hurt they're caused and think that I'm the ungrateful, awful child....I feel like I'm grieving the loss of them despite the still being alive. I'm really interested to see where you go with the neurodivergent content too. How do you untangle what is neurodivergence vs trauma vs mental health issues??

[@fmoraiti9294]

Thank you so much for your wonderful videos. They are so helpful and validate our experience!!

[@donutrevival_]

I appreciate you and your work so much. 💜

[@PeaceOfMindIsATreasure]

Oh, thank you doctor Sage for your objective, sensible, loving approach to this painful issue, wish İ'd had the chance to have one-O-one session with you, anyways better late than nothing you ignited an awareness of self-healing in me, really appreciated ❤❤

[@JA-rc6is]

Thank you so much this content is very meaningfull and healing to me and many

[@sunnyrickard1816]

These videos are very helpful Thank you 🙏🤗

[@ria600]

You said your age the other day and I never guessed. You look so young. Must be that your mental and emotional health have youthful effects!!,☺️ Thank you for the videos!

[@cheryldailing1294]

My mother was never nice...it was 24/7 hell. I was never " good"

[@stacymitchell4829]

Unfortunately, it's hard to be seen "good" in my mother's eyes. Rarely, if you sacrifice everything for her, pay for her living expenses, schedule and drive her to all her appointments, clean for her, cook for her, etc., you MAY be considered "good," but that's not a guarantee, she won't care if you don't sleep enough, if your body is sore, or if your money runs low as long as she gets what she wants.

[@farrahmccraney6680]

I feel this ❤

[@prettypuff1]

I didn’t know how mean I was….. ETA- I struggled with the internal guilt to the point of breaking out in hives. Despite having significant symptoms, I can’t discount the good times

[@jamisynsmith6281]

Do you have any therapists in Utah that you recommend seeing for this specifically? I would love to work with someone who understands this

[@usaintltrade]

🌹

[@liebekatz1]

My question is, as an adult child, how do I effectively communicate with my BPD mother who is untreated? She's taking an anti-depressant but doesn't realize that it's much more than that.

[@joelthomastr]

Fish are the last to discover water

[@jameswayton2340]

I have been avoiding life almost completely especially the last years cause i don't have enough control. I don't know how to live with CPTSD and autism/sensory overload combined. Or better said, the life that i want does not excist and i don't think i can ever accept that. If i accept i still might have a lot of good things in life and at least life, if i don't accept it like i'm doing now i simply avoid life and feelig and stay in my fantasy world until i die.

[@annarosen9706]

😭 Thank yooouuu ❤️‍🩹 (I save so many of your videos & don’t watch often-I know, shocker-& I’m.. well, see above 👆..grateful & uncomfortable & ouching & feel seen & angry, too (not at u lol). &, Again, ty xx Ps I’m been at wellness for a heavy handful now & I feel like I’m maybe incapable of a lot.. i suppose coming back to my physically unwell parents after yrs of addiction (&, not that I’m the only one. But one hit after the next for these last 2 years.. the triggers cos this like karmic cycle or something. oh, too much to say. It’s only 8-ish am lol. Like, ‘focus on this understanding, lady’ ~~talking to myself.. not telling u that :)

[@polonchis89]

Seriously thank you so much for the work you’re doing and for holding space for this conversation to happen. So grateful I found you 🙏🏼🫶🏼