GRIEVING AND SURVIVING A BORDERLINE PARENT (BOOK CLUB | DR. KIM SAGE)

This video describes the messages and interpretations we might receive from parents who may struggle with UNTREATED Borderline Personality Disorder, according to the book "Surviving a Borderline Parent," written by Roth and Friedman.
As always, the intention of this video and information is to help validate those who were raised by parents who struggled, and not to further stigmatize those individuals with BPD.
There has been a massive shift in the diagnoses of BPD, and increased awareness, and it's important to know that treatments like DBT, DBT parenting skills and other treatment modalities can be incredibly helpful and effective in supporting those with BPD.
However, this video and the book are focused upon validating and helping the children of parents with BPD, and there is no real way to validate without also acknowledging the range of experiences and impacts upon children, when parents were (or are) untreated, unsupported and/or unaware or uninterested in getting treatment.
Regardless of diagnostic labels, which are generally not helpful, it can be incredibly validating to finally understand why a parent may have treated us certain ways in childhood, and in our adulthoods as well.
Knowing what we now know, about the impact of trauma and mental health upon the development of children, I am hopeful that we can move in a direction of helping and validating children and parents who suffer, so we can all benefit as individuals, families and societies...
xo
****FOR MORE INFORMATION ONLINE COURSES AND FREE CHECKLIST:
www.drsagehelp...
**************************
Please check out my courses (LINK ABOVE):
1. BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PARENTS: HEALING AND DEALING WITH YOUR TRAUMA
(*This course is designed specifically for you if you were raised by parents who had Narcissistic, Borderline or significantly Emotionally Immature parents.)
2. RE-MOTHERED: TRANSFORM YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD INTO AN INTERNALIZED, LOVING "MOTHER"
(***This course is designed to help you learn to heal your inner child AND your inner parent if you experienced a complicated childhood or challenging relational wounds).
3. IDENTIFYING CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT (FREE COURSE)
CHECKLIST IS INCLUDED IN ALL 3 COURSES!!**
xo
***Please note! I am so sorry but my practice is full at this time and I cannot accept new patients. If you would like to be added to my waitlist, please email me at [e-mail] and I will email you only when a spot becomes available. I cannot guarantee a spot will open, however, so please know I care very much, but am limited at this time given my case load.
* Additionally, I am only able to work with California residents (due to state licensing and insurance requirements for myself) for weekly therapy once available. If you are interested, please also add in a few brief details in your email including your reasons for seeking treatment, current diagnoses, concerns, etc.

[@mishellegarrett9243]

Thank you for stepping out of your clinical voice and allowing your personal voice to emerge. It helped me see your "humanity". Thank you for your videos.

[@AlitaAvenger]

Not many mental health care professionals would share the idea that one has not to forgive his/her parents. Pete Walker's book explained the same. It is in many cases simply not possible. Thank you for mentioning that point. People who easily claim others 'should' forgive their caretakers who often mistreated them have no idea what it means to have Cptsd. Best regards.

[@mammadijacopo3347]

Its impossible to forgive them. I just feel sorry for my parents they are still struggling with their trauma

[@AlitaAvenger]

@@mammadijacopo3347 Yes. Exactly. Life is full of unexplainable sadness unfortunately. Some try to answer the 'why' questions by for example the theory of 'karma', which is in fact often nothing more than a tool to shame someone even further. Best wishes 🙏.

[@fatuusdottore]

Agree. Or to ‘get over it.’

[@deanej]

I appreciate your ‘rants’ because there is such wisdom, opportunity for connection, and vulnerability within them. Thank you again.

[@sixthsenseamelia4695]

I refused to pretend to be what my mother expected. Which infuriated my mother even more. Doubled down on the campaign to break my spirit & will. My being born was a "mistake".

[@scarlet1217]

😢

[@snowstormonsat]

I also refused to be what my Mom wanted and it also infuriated her. She had so much hatred toward me and would call me a troublemaker. I was actually a really good kid, opposite her and my being a "troublemaker" was when I complained, called out their abuse or told others about it. She wanted me to take their abuse and be quiet about it when I was trying to expose them and get help for myself. Eventually i had to run away at 14, no one helped me, she was a good liar. No cameras back then or I would have captured it all on video and exposed them.

[@carolferguson19]

You sound just like me. I was second girl. I drove her nuts until she got COPD. It was hard work helping my Dad take care of her, but she was nice most of the time. 22 years later I thought why couldn't she have been nice all those years. I moved away for 17 years when I was young. Her mother was very strict and so was her father. I stopped the cycle. I felt good in my skin and ignored her and was nice. I finally realized it was all her. I became a highly spirited person and life became fun for me and ignore the bad. Don't feel like the Lone Ranger. 💕🙏✌️💖

[@carolferguson19]

@@snowstormonsat Wow you must be a strong warrior. I give you a lot of credit 💕 I'm glad you survived. I was the trouble maker and I was a good girl just wanted to have some fun with my friends. I wonder if they see themselves in us❓ I never put my daughter down or yelled at her. In high school I might have a few times but she was a really good smart kid. I'll pray for you and positive thoughts for all of us 💕🙏✌️💖

[@marygavin3203]

Your no mistake. Precious child of God you are

[@jameswayton2340]

I honestly think its quite refreshing that you rant a little bit during your video. It gives as a better view into what happend to you and where you are coming from, and thus a better view of trauma itself. Thank you. So don't worry about that if you do.

[@eeo4949]

So true... I am grieving my childhood. After having a serious talk with my mother telling her to leave my home once I realized her condition will effect my own child living together with my fully dependent mother (monetarily, emotionally), she finally got to the stage where she stopped most of the bad behaviors. But I still do not trust her so I hold my boundaries strictly to the point where things are calculated on an excel sheet and contracts were signed between us to set the rules of what is acceptable and not. Now that she finally realized I am willing to abandon her on the street, she is finally listening. But her current behavior is not yet normal (well atleast not a normal mother and adult daughter role). She is now overly apologetic for everything that she asks for when she can just normally respectfully ask. She used to ask for things in a way that it was an order without any respect for my work hours. Now she is overly apologetic. She is overly distant. I am fine with this since it is waaaay better than before, but makes me wonder if I should keep an eye on some things and what could possibly be going through her mind right now. I am only asking since now she is totally 180 from before and its not normal either.

[@Kelpy]

You talk about how “sometimes it wasn't that bad,” and that's one of the reasons why it was so hard to recognize the abuse, because sometimes, even in our lives of being neglected and severely abused, other parts of those lives were wonderful; it's hard to complain about growing up in one of the wealthiest suburbs, in one of the wealthiest cities in America, in a great house, going to exclusive schools, having a convertible, and belonging to a yacht club. But then there is the question which begets mourning: “What and who might I have been if I had been allowed to practice basketball, play the piano, and the clarinet, instead of having those aspects of my life effectively sabotaged?” I have been journaling about these issues for years, talking to my deceased parents through the akashic record, and your podcasts trigger me all over again, make the issues fresh and vital, thank you!

[@snowstormonsat]

Your videos are helping me so much, thank you. I'm still trying to heal this. Was missing my Mom today but I won't break contact. I'm never going to have a loving mom I can call and talk to. I'm grieving that loss. I also can't forgive her for all the cruel things she purposely did to me. I had to let go of my entire family and I have days where I feel alone. I have my daughter and my many pets, thank God for them. I also have peace and quiet and I feel safe living a state away from them.

[@karefair12]

I love it when you get fired up. Please don’t hold back! I love what you are offering us. You seem so real and authentic in a crazy world.

[@starrseed2687]

I remember being around 7 when I realized that my friends didn’t also hate their parents. It made me sad, envious, and ashamed all at once. This video describes me to a T. Wish I knew what I could have achieved had I not been emotionally neglected, sexually abused and scapegoated my entire childhood.

[@LoveLoveStrong]

I love your videos, your rants and our honesty. Thank you for being you. 🙇🏾‍♀️

[@aimzoid]

I always knew things were bad. I lived in terror. I was spit at, kicked punched called the devil and made to do all the housework, babysitting, and listen to my mother’s emotional problems. There was no question in my mind. I didnt know what was normal. I was desparate for it. My mask wasnt for love, it was just not to get beaten, name called

[@VirginiaAlexanderonline]

This was great, you addressed a situation I had also,My Mother never told me her husband " My Father, the alcoholic was not my biological Father, when I found out she said, well he adopted you, well low and behold he never did, they moved to another state so I was isolated from Family, she had "My Brother" and I could never figure out why she made me wait on her and my brother hand and foot. she lied all the time and her and her sisters blamed me for ruining her life......thank you,I recognize how crazy our lives were, and why I became a Mental Healer also.

[@marylind1144]

It’s amazing to me how close my story is to yours! I’m sorry you had to go through it because I know like I know. I can’t tell you what a relief it is to know that my situation wasn’t as unique as I thought it was and therefore being an alien on this planet. I actually asked my BPD/ potentially psychotic mother if she had any regrets for the mean things she did to us kids. Her frightening ly cold response was to look me in the eye and say with totally sincerity, “My only regret is that I didn’t do it MORE than I DID.” Pretty damn chilling. She did everything but shoot us. So, take it from me, write the letter and don’t try to talk to them, it is not going to be what you would hope it would be. The grief of the shoulda, coulda, wouldas is so deep you can get lost down that road forever. I nearly did. I’m almost 60 and it wasn’t until I was in my 40s I just stopped that and just got real with it happened, can’t change it, but I CAN change my need for the closure. I can change my present and my future. My life is much better but I have to be mindful every dang day of “Ever onward towards the good” or I will have it crawl all over me for a few days. It’s not our fault it happened, but, in my opinion, it’s our responsibility to rise above it and it sucks.

[@labellavita2248]

Thank you for addressing this. I had cancer 10 years ago now, afterwards I was dealing with post-cancer trauma, and in figuring out what was going on with me, I realized that cancer + the tough childhood that I had (abusive stepfather, passive mother, didn't stand up for me, 11 different schools before I graduated, etc), I had just hit my limit. Had a few appointments with a somatic experiencing practitioner before I had to quit due to funds, but she told me that I was holding a lot of grief. It was so hard to find information on grief, almost all of the information out there is related to losing a family member/child/spouse sort of thing. Looking that book up now...

[@leoniphelan5278]

I have had a similar trajectory. Cancer and the trauma to body and soul is such a challenging overlay to a foundation of childhood trauma. Did you find Somatic Experiencing helpful before you had to finish due to the cost? Financial resources are stretched for me as well and so choosing the best type of therapy is so important.

[@labellavita2248]

@@leoniphelan5278 It is challenging. I did find somatic experiencing helpful. The first person I used did not ask for me to describe anything that happened, the focus was more on being, feeling, grounding, and titrating so that I could release the stored energy within me bit by bit without overwhelming me. The second person had me talk about it, feel it, and ground, she was the one who told me that I had a lot of grief. I wish that I could have gone more, I didn't go enough to be totally healed, but I found it very helpful, it did improve the quality of my life. I went from being a patient person to someone who could cry or curse you out at the drop of a hat, that wasn't how I was previously but I had no space for stressors, noise, etc. I could not find a somatic experiencing practitioner near me so I found practitioners in other states and we used Zoom (they like to see you as they read your body language). HTH, if you have any other questions, please let me know.

[@leoniphelan5278]

@@labellavita2248 Thank you for sharing your experiences 🙏🏻. You have so much courage. That's interesting to hear about the different approaches they had. I will keep investigating. Wishing you continued healing 💕

[@labellavita2248]

@leoniphelan5278 you are so welcome. It was very beneficial, I'm enjoying Anna's channel too, learning a lot. All the best on your healing journey too. ❤️

[@leoniphelan5278]

@@labellavita2248 ❤️

[@janetrush8340]

Thank you for this talk. I try so hard not to grieve my lost childhood only to find myself in tears.

[@Patrice11300]

I like hearing your rants because they help me learn and speak to what I am feeling. Thank you so much for your work on this topic. It’s a revelation.

[@kimberlymccracken747]

Kim, we are sisters-in-arms. Your videos have explained SO much to me. It's a terrible experience and at 59 I am just now extricating myself after continually showing up for their abuse (that's a term I only recently began to embrace).

[@mammadijacopo3347]

Wow Dr. Sage, this video hit the spot.

[@michelled4042]

Once again, so on point. You really know how to identify the wound head on. just having the scars and wounds recognized is comforting g and healing. There is some release that comes feeling light on hidden wounds carried alone and so rarely tended to by anyone, including ourselves❤

[@DemureDelight8055]

So well said and so helpful

[@landonsherer]

I feel like I really need to heal. I don’t necessarily know what exactly happens to me as a kid, but I do know it messed me up. My mom is extremely phycoyoc and borderline. She has dragged me through different states my whole childhood. I went to multiple schools and never stayed in one place for a while. And all the time there was always fighting in the house and I’m sure emotional neglect. I feel this deep sadness inside and it hurts so bad. I think I’m ready to address the sadness. I used to get anxiety when I would feel the sadness but now I don’t so o think I’m ready. Idk also I’ve seen her do bad things, like attempting suicide and not knowing who she was.

[@emmadahlkvist-gt7ji]

Thank you for the amazing work you do❤. It means a lot. And I really mean a lot. It gives me an understanding for what was going on with my mum and me as a child to her. I get words to describe the dynamics playing out and I got access to my feelings around it. It has changed a lot for me since I for a long time have been so stuck in guilt and shame for leaving the relationship.

[@leoniphelan5278]

I value your content Dr Sage. But your rants feel super good too ❤

[@Chichi-cy2bb]

I can connect soon much with what you say and your experiences. I'm also studying psychology, so I'm on your journey. Glad I've found you.

[@mjbreitmeyer6021]

I love when you go on a 'rant'. ❤

[@jophillipsillustration]

😢 gosh… so much in this one! I’d love a video on forgiveness from yr perspective. I just can’t and then I get the whole ‘it’s only hurting yourself if you can’t forgive me’ which infuriates me more! I don’t believe we HAVE to forgive in the Christian sense, as I’m not a Christian.

[@sugar4973]

Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. The best thing I’ve ever done is learn the importance of forgiveness, in my heart, to someone who didn’t deserve it. It doesn’t negate your pain, and you don’t have to have any kind of relationship with that person, but its the only way to release it and be emotionally healthy. The Forgiven forgive. Free at last, thank You Jesus❤

[@stellaariana1276]

Omg! Your story is mine! Lost my father at 20 for same reason

[@retrorenegade1967]

Thank you. I relate to this so, so much.

[@juliesmith4539]

Hi I'm still confused and living with the fact that I worked out that the person I thought was my so called mother wasn't and it was so manipulated as a child and still feel like I'm being manipulated now at 58 years old

[@leobeaupre858]

I just say that they did the best they knew how, that's what I believe about Parents..

[@mammadijacopo3347]

I have to disagree🫥….my parents did not do the best they knew, they both know it and feel very guilty

[@snowstormonsat]

Not my mom, My mom did the worst she could. My mom whipped me with wires and belts, cut all my hair off at age 9, starved me for years, would have her psychopath husband and obese psycho older child beat me and torture me and she would watch with pleasure and entertainment. My mom would take the only birthday gift i got from my godmother, return it in front of me and buy my older psycho sister something instead. We also had to celebrate my moms bday on my my bday so I never got a birthday celebration until I was an adult. Maybe this was her doing her best to be evil??

[@consciouschaostc]

Sadly I don’t think this is true for some of the adult survivors of a BPD caretaker. What is 100% accurate about them that can help us accept what happened, is to recognize that they were, or are NOT well. That was a turning point for me. After my mother physically attacked me for the last time, I saw the crazed look in her eyes as they were darting back and forth, almost like from a movie, in that moment I recognized she was sick and instead of retaliating, I calmed down and told her I loved her. She was so stunned she stopped and questioned my motives. But that was a completely pivotal turning point for us both. She’s passed away now but I believe she did know better but her illness kept her from doing better.

[@blueskies6475]

@@snowstormonsat yes, your mother was evil.

[@Rwissam1987]

Why can't we give them the letter? I believe they need to know for the sake of healing the relationship and the past...

[@richard-en2dx]

So beautiful mama 💋🌹🍦

[@pambrown5382]

Why is 'Understanding the Borderline Mother' so expensive?? Ugh

[@DrKimSage]

I literally don't know! :(

[@cindyc]

🤗♥️

[@JuliaShalomJordan]

Thank you for all your wisdom and understanding.🤍

[@melbournebound5150]

Question, I was adopted when I was 2 from S Korea. Many of the topics you covered apply to me. Currently I isolated mysel to everyone even my own family. My parents have passed away and I am struggling to reconnect with my kids and to find my purpose,,,,I never found my real parents as I cant afford to find the truth. I currently have no home to call home and comfortable to isolate myself from everyone,,,Is this un normal

[@cindyc]

🤗♥️