Midweek with Dr. C- How Do Narcissists Rationalize Control Tactics?

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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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[@ro7547]

Relationships shouldn’t be a competition, they should be a team effort.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Well stated.

[@ro7547]

@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you!

[@Melly16yr10]

True unfortunately most people treat them as a competition

[@cazjay017]

“A strongly controlling person is a strongly fearful person.” The need to set us straight. That is so spot on.

[@cherobinson6371]

Narcissistic are insecure that’s the biggest issue they have and they absolutely hate seeing people who aren’t insecure and esteem when that person is someone they deem worthless.

[@carolnahigian9518]

Many Flying monkeys at WORK later came to me, " you are nice & nothing like.. ( not like Bully whispered GOSSIP about me)!

[@elainesmith5313]

Trust is a key element in relationships! Once lost.....its just lost. Narcissist are naturally un trust worthy!! To the Max!!!

[@michellehill718]

"A strongly controlling individual is a strongly fearful person."✅

[@deniseritchie4674]

Thank you Dr. I have been with a narcissist for 38 years and 7 mos ago he pushed me down and i shattered my wrist. The courts have a 3 years restraining order against him. All your videos explain everything in my adult life and now I realize my youngest son is a narcissist also. He play’s grandparent abuse on me but not on his dad the narcissist. He is allowed to see my granddaughters and I’m not. I’m really sad, but know that it’s not me and I have to go on with my own life. I never thought at 65 I would be truly starting over.

[@caroleminke6116]

Honey I am also 65 & though it feels like having to start over now in truth we’ve been set free for the first time

[@t_nels]

Prayers for healing of mind and body 🙏🏼🌹

[@Dgirl2]

So sorry you are going through this pain. I’m not allowed to see two of my grandchildren either. The pain is life altering but we have to go on.

[@jennywager6228]

Sadly for us age is no limit of the abusers, they're cruel to every age, creed especially those close to them. I wandered why for so long and I believe its because we living with it we can't bend like a pretzel forever.

[@sreed5633]

I'm sorry you've had to go through such awful times. I hope you find strength and peace.

[@elainesmith5313]

You can't change the Narcissist OR The Flying Monkeys. This is so engrained...Impossible....NO CONTACT....NO ENGAGEMENT.....NO DEFENSE......NO EMOTIONS.GRAY ROCK OR FIRE WALL WORKS BEST FOR ME. I BECAME A VERY....VERY BORING PERSON WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE! THANKS DR C. AND TEAM HEALTHY!🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾

[@Hatbox948]

I think trying to defend yourself to flying monkeys usually backfires. At least that's been my experience. Now I try very hard to not engage the narc or his flying monkeys.

[@lockstar169]

Probably one of the most disturbing scenarios is to encounter a narcissist that has partially educated themselves in psychology. If you've experienced it. "The not so sunny of helping, is controlling..." is something I learned from a narcissist; as if to suggest that they couldn't possibly be one of those people too. Even if all it does is buy them time while you're busy being confused about their incongruent behaviour, if you're thinking of letting others know you're educating yourself about narcissism be aware these people exist. They can talk the talk; it's their actions you're going to want to examine closely.

[@moebanshee]

Absolutely.. they aren't stupid. They're grifters. They're excellent at manipulation. A great example of this is Michael Keaton in the movie Pacific heights.

[@direstraights]

​@@moebansheeand they 'Know More: than the pathologist does'!

[@cazjay017]

Very true.

[@bereal6590]

@@moebanshee mine are stupid intellectually, thats what caused me problems, all threatened by anyone who is educated so they didnt bother about my education! but all have the same techniques, it's like they all went to school together

[@cherobinson6371]

I met a narcissistic therapist a few years ago he hates Addicts and his field of Therapy? Treating Addiction. The guys super Facists and very Covert. Some narcissistic will put them self n careers where they can abuse and get paid for it!

[@ernieblue5307]

Thank you Dr. C. for helping to straighten out the mess that narcs leave in our minds and in our lives, so that we can be ourselves again, and get back to more peaceful and healthy living.

[@jkies11]

I quietly sat and listened to someone argue with themselves about a choice I had made. They went through the pros and cons of my choice and then they made it sound like I was silly for my choice, they got angry because I wouldn't change my mind. Finally, when they realized my choice was a good one they pretended they didn't understand what I was asking for. I had to just sit and smile- it was classic.

[@blanketeyblank5309]

At a movie theater had to ask the narcissist to pls let ME have my choice of popcorn size. I was paying for it too. The look of the other patrons went WAY over his head...I know you understand . TY.

[@evelynwells-rk1ed]

My mother made me to go to therapy,she is the reason why i was in therapy!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Sometimes when one family member was in my office, I felt like it was the wrong person.

[@sturobertson6791]

Great vid and great comments on the live chat. I'm a living example that the support on TH works. I was stuck for years in a controlling, abusive relationship. Learning here allowed me to exit that relationship. I now have peace. To anyone suffering...have hope, peace is possible with learning, self care and growth. 🙏❤️🌞

[@nancytwigg4631]

Great testimonial, Stuart. I am happy for your progress and peace. I agree, wholeheartedly! Dr. C. Helps.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Way to go, Stu! You know I'm pulling for you. #TeamHealthy

[@sturobertson6791]

@nancytwigg4631 Cheers Nancy. Thank you for your kind words. 2 years ago I was a confused, battered newbie to TH, trying to make sense of my nex's crazy rages and lies. It took 3 visits from police, and eventually a court order to get her to go. I'm healing now from the emotional, verbal and physical abuse. It's so good to be part of this supportive community. All the best for you, too Nancy. May we all grow and glow!🙏🌞

[@nancytwigg4631]

@sturobertson6791 Amen to that. Grow and Glow in our new found peace. I'm sorry we all have had these experiences. I'm grateful for the strength and awareness those experiences have helped us gain.

[@sturobertson6791]

​@@nancytwigg4631Hi Nancy. One of the things that shocked me when I first started listening to these videos over 2 years ago was how similar our experiences are. I had thought that my nex was "uniquely difficult" Recognising that I wasn't alone was a major step to realising I wasn't the crazy one.....and the learning, strength and exit strategy followed. I absolutely agree with your sentiment about gratitude.....you said it well🙏👍👍🌞

[@michelepascoe6068]

How common is it, in a family with a manipulative narcissist, for family members and others to think that someone else is the abuser, and not suspect the narcissistic person who stirs up strife?

[@Dgirl2]

I have heard that people believe what they want to believe. Most of the time I think this is true.

[@michelepascoe6068]

@@ccdm515 yes, feels like a cult

[@michelepascoe6068]

@@Dgirl2 yes, we believe what we're persuaded of and then don't question it because we believe it

[@michelepascoe6068]

@@ccdm515 agreed. They boost themselves by diminishing another, and causing others to disrespect their victim, on purpose. They are not respecting the ones they deceive either. They demand respect and admiration while having no regard for others. Even the precious golden child, disadvantaged by being taught to reject and hate people who love them, stirs no remorse in the wicked heart of one with NPD.

[@bereal6590]

Great midweek. They do expect 100% trust. The biggest mistake I ever made was in trusting my family. Believing, because they forced it upon me, that they knew the right way. It was a heist of my psyche and I didn't know it. So many unhealthy people put there but I didn't realise I'd been living with the enemy of my soul and true self. One of my relatives developed psychosis through this family system, I'm not surprised. When there is nowhere left to go it's the ultimate loss of self. Always pained me how much they suffered, how much so many in the system suffered. That's not love. This channel is the landing pad I've always searched for, I thought I'd never find a place that felt like home to me. Thank you dr c.

[@amothergoddess2774]

JUST A BIT OF MY EXPERIENCE: IVE TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO MY PSYCHIATRIST ABOUT MY SISTERS NARCISSM AND HE GETS VERY ANGRY AND TELLS ME TO STOP OBSSESSING ABOUT IT; I FELT SO HUMILIATED WHEN IT FELT LIKE HE WAS THROWING ME OUT OF HIS OFFICE, HE DOESNT LIKE WHAT I SAY AND I THINK HE THINKS IM THE PROBLEM BUT GOT DEFENSIVE WHEN I INTIMATED THAT, BE VERY CAREFUL WHO YOU TALK TO BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE YOU, I WONT EVER MENTION IT AGAIN, AND THE OTHER THERAPIST DIDNT GET IT EITHER!

[@aaronkwolfe]

Better advice: describe the symptoms (how gaslighting or controlling behavior makes you feel), rather than a diagnosis.

[@janeteddddd]

i don't think you are getting the help you need with these people. and be careful that they are not causing you more trauma.

[@tiffanyjohnson8679]

Dr. Carter recommends a psychotherapist for the trauma we've been through. These regular counselors are not trained to handle ptsd etc. ❤

[@theyellowshoe]

Years ago when my son was about 7, i started to teach him washing dishes, laundry etc. I first showed him how I do that, then told when he does the dishes, wash them the way that hes comfortable with. As long as all the dishes are clean, then thats good. That "man(-child)" started yelling that my son was doing the dishes wrong 🤦‍♀️ I said there is more than one way to do dishes. Oh how i wish i would have known about narcissism back then. 43:09 mark; about the children, with me i have a dog & a cat. I'm the one who feeds them takes care of them. Yes a narcissist will use pets as leverage.

[@vintage6346]

Yes. My narcissist (now-ex) husband and I had pets, no children. He used the pets as leverage against me. After one of the two dogs died, I discouraged him from getting a replacement for the dog. I knew it would be just one more thing to break my heart when I left.

[@theyellowshoe]

@@vintage6346 the dog is 13 now, a German shepherd, so he's old.

[@vintage6346]

@@theyellowshoe My Yogui was half German shepherd and half Collie. He was beautiful, smart, and sweet.

[@hsafranify]

Dr. Carter: I love how you work in and remind people not to get "hoovered in"; "allow to be tiggered"; and respond aggressively (as opposed to running not walking the other away; no contact as much as possible)!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Pleased!

[@RichardChave-xl9yw]

Knowing the truth when the rest of the world believes different is worse than useless it makes you sound insane. I last saw my ex four years ago yet she still spreads monstrous rumours about me for attention and sheer viciousness. The only way to deal with a narcissist is to tear them from your life root and branch and even then they will not stop so long as they can profit by it.

[@dianebinpa6668]

No matter what you want, they force the opposite on you and get angry when you don’t thank them for trying to force control. Another tactic is to try to make you ashamed of your feelings to control you that way. If that doesn’t work then they try the control with the fear tactic approach.

[@verenakienzle4861]

I am sorry to have missed the live. Thank you for all you do, you have been a great help on my healing journey. Greetings from currently cold and rainy Germany

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad you found the recorded version....and send over some of that rain!!

[@verenakienzle4861]

@@SurvivingNarcissism 🌧🌦

[@t_nels]

Great Video! Thank you Dr Carter. 🌸☀️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so welcome!

[@m.e.tuthill8874]

I am going to drop comments periodically to you and other practitioners to for the umpteenth time request video on narcissist's need to be among wealthy people. This was a powerful theme in my life with my narcissistic siblings and parents. Name dropping and an aversion to anyone who was from the lower or even plain old middle class was extremely pronounced. I even have proof by way of a family history written by my brother with over-the-top references to anyone remotely in our sphere who was of the upper class. And at my nephew's christening my sister clung like glue all day the a woman who stood out--a woman she didn't even know-why? Because she looked like she stepped out of a Talbot's catalogue--she looked rich- PLEASE devote time to this behavior. Thank you.

[@nancytwigg4631]

Thanks for today's session Doc. Soooo helpful. As always.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it was helpful, Nancy!

[@alanaadams7440]

The narc in my life has stopped drinking it really helps

[@michellehill718]

Brilliant explanation, Dr. C regarding that really great question about empaths not needing, wanting, or being even remotely interested in "winning" anything when interacting with narcissists. Nope, not in this life time! Not a chance! Lol 😊As an mature empath, I absolutely agree and identify! Thank you very much Dr. C, for another excellent teaching video!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Michelle.

[@sandrabellerue2836]

Harming another person, YES! Absolutely wicked with their smirk/smile in exhultation. I saw it in him 60 yrs ago in high school. Doesn't work on me now. What I gleaned, after 2 yrs on/off, is what I DON"T want in a relationship. Mutual loving kindness holds the key to happiness. Thanks Dr Carter.

[@ElsieDee001]

My ex-narc worked out-of-town during the week, and would leave me lists of duties to accomplish each week. I had hell to pay if I didn’t finish everything. I seldom finished everything because I had my own priorities, mainly our children, household mgt., nurturing friendships+. It was literally hell for the kids and I every weekend.

[@stillhealing8811]

True story. The narcissist I was with actually sent me one of Dr. Carter's videos to warn me about narcissism 😅

[@jkies11]

No, a controlling person will say, "Give me three reasons why we should do what you want to do? Why would you want to do this or that? You aren't thinking this through. It would be better if we did it like this or this", and on and on until you want to tear your hair out and just make them shut up by agreeing with them.

[@jeankipper6954]

What narcs and bullies "win" is to create an unhappy, unhealthy world to live in. In self defense, in honor of the life we were given, for our own well being, we must disengage. The Golden Rule is real. We reap what we sow. What goes around comes around. I choose to drop my end of the rope. Many times it's not been easy. Certainly I've not always succeeded. Yet in doing so I'm actively creating the kind of life I want, for myself and for others, and the part of the world that I can impact. It does work.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You make sense.

[@123raven4]

I want to tune in to other individuals and I want to be kindness because I know myself well enough to know that gives gratification! I want to be a participant that encourages that kind of thinking with other individuals! Lying is a form of control and gaslighting! He had to take away my son because he knew that I love him with all my heart! Very painful times!

[@Rachel-mz8ko]

"Freedom" as a higher priority means being myself. An excellent video. I'll be watching tis one a few times. Thanks. ❤

[@Alice-fr1ef]

Be careful not to lose yourself to that person otherwise, the day will come that you will look in the mirror and not know who you are seeing looking back at you.

[@stevenmorgan6164]

Thank you Dr Carter Very helpful video God Bless you

[@moebanshee]

The flying monkey question: short answer no. As long as the narcissist is tearing you apart he/she is leaving them alone. You are the sacrifice or tribute. If they don't support the narcissist's harassment of you... They become targets.

[@SLR.e14]

Truth.. They’re Pitiful sadistic individuals

[@bereal6590]

When they end up just them and the narc, they don't like it! They were okay with the narc destroying your psyche but will moan when you go

[@sandyinsc5024]

It is, I think, better to stay out of the way, let the flying monkeys feel the wrath and hopefully learn that *you* are not the source of all the problems.

[@ponytail911]

Really appreciate your take on the flying monkey. I did go to my flying monkey brother because I was close to his wife and he was bff’s with my x, that I am also friends with. He kept drinking the Kool-aid, but I had the piece of mind of trying to help in the healing of my family.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I respect your motive.

[@scottn3350]

This is generational. I've had a mother and sisters. My gf also had a piece of work. She's news to the modern world. Wow.

[@anonymouscm7270]

Hello Dr. Carter and everyone🙏🌷🕊💝🤗

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Hello there!

[@vickiparsons5698]

Thank you 😊 Dr Carter 💖👍 goodness your such a blessing.. thank you for being a voice for even people like me..who I almost gave up dealing with... well hard to say how... you have given light at the end of the tunnel and I for one like my training in the military 🪖 leaving no buddy behind..am pulling dragging while running towards that light... just wanted to say thank you for saving my life 💞💞

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so kind. I'm pulling for you!

[@bevonasis4066]

One of the hardest things has been to see the narcissist for all he is, make my own adjustments to disengage in the relationship, and at the same time resist the urge to “warn “ or “educate”others with whom he corrals into his rodeo of supply and have no idea of the level of illness they are dealing with. There are being used, too.

[@Dgirl2]

??? What do Narcs really mean when they say “ I love you”? My narc Mom says it very pointedly at the end of a conversation with a strong tone of voice. Once, after I set a boundary, she yelled “ Well you might not love me but I love you”! Was that a type of gaslighting? (She’s loving but I’m not! Or If I set boundaries, I’m not loving!) Her “I love you” sounds accusatory not loving at all!

[@malwads1836]

Narc parents are a complete mind-*#$&... Especially when we're young children with no access whatsoever to this vital info & we're expected to just normalize their dysfunctional 💩.And yep... Nothing is off-limits to them in regards to what they'll try to use to gaslight you🙄. Dreadful,all you can do is limit contact as much as possible in order to take away their opportunities for abuse😬.

[@deadparrot5953]

I think, to people like my mom and possibly your mom too, "love" means "obey." She loves you when you obey, and when you obey, you are showing you love her. When you disobey, you are showing that you don't love her, and when you don't obey her, she doesn't love you.

[@Teresa-hw5fg]

​@@deadparrot5953So true! ❤

[@darinsmith2458]

1. Reasons for Control.. To me it is more about me being aware of someone trying to control me and then taking the appropriate action..

[@darinsmith2458]

2. Trust.. People need to earn my trust and it is not the other way around..

[@darinsmith2458]

3. Flying MOnkeys.. I need to be aware of them and then to avoid them..

[@darinsmith2458]

4. Show the Narcissist recovery.. Recovery is for me.. Not them..

[@darinsmith2458]

5. Different.. Self-Differentiation work is a way to get away from the enmeshment..

[@darinsmith2458]

6. Winning.. I do like to win as well and I like being competitive but both to make us better not to tear people down..

[@aaronkwolfe]

I almost plan my week around these streams.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Aaron, I hope you know how honored I am by you being so devoted to #TeamHealthy. So pleased for your contributions!

[@henrykujawa4427]

I've really missed being able to take part in them since March. So glad I made it today.

[@aaronkwolfe]

@@henrykujawa4427 We are glad, too Henry. WB.

[@sturobertson6791]

I wish I had your calm organising skills Aaron. I plan too, then I do things like I did yesterday, accidentally dropping my phone in a bucket of water. Spent the afternoon at a phone fix shop. If it was today, I'd have missed it. Good to see you Aaron👍🙏🌞

[@sheilabest3652]

Dr. Carter, it appeared as though the people abusing me were obsessed with winning. Their mindset baffled me because, as far as I was concerned, we should be worried about doing the right thing, not winning.

[@leandrahackwith3168]

I don't think narcs necessarily like hurting others but they depersonalize the mark and feel just to punish failure and disobedience.

[@caroleminke6116]

He was kicked out of school in the 8th grade for hitting another student over the head with his chair & then became a gang leader while his dad ran the corrupt local cop shop 🤦‍♀️ but the choice of juvenile detention or Vietnam sent him into the army @ 17… his mom said that made a man out of him unlike his brothers but in truth he just became a slick conman like his father… this is small town USA & it’s sad to say we’re all becoming subject to a narcissistic society ❤️‍🩹 his mother is 90 now & he’s 72 so my only prayer is that she doesn’t learn the truth before she passes away

[@cherobinson6371]

Narcissistic are flipping out right now all these Conspiracy nut jobs? Narcissistic. Most from what I see are also Adderall popping Alcholics. They wantb2 be in Charge! The MelmGibsons are making a move n our Democracy they only care about Themselves!

[@maxwell-cole]

Thanks for this information and for the solutions. Great topic. Control. Control. Control. Nope.

[@maxrexmusicllc7266]

All great insights like always Dr. C! Thanks for the upload.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You’re welcome!

[@keedledee]

I find that these videos are supporting me and reminding me that I saw what I saw and I heard what I heard.

[@hellehagen1468]

Dear Dr. C First of all, thank you for sharing your insight and wisdom. I am truly deeply grateful 🙏 I recently had a conversation with my partner about the way we understand each other, which worries me. (We are both trained pedagogues (danish) - social work). My challenge is that my partner sees understanding for other people in a completely different way than I do. He thinks I will never understand him, which I must admit is true, as it is utterly impossible for me. He says: "I'm not egocentric like you." "I start from myself so that you can understand me. You have to understand me based on the way I understand/think (ie the same way I understand myself; my interpretation) otherwise you don't understand me." I reply, "Isn't that egocentric? I can't think like you because I'm not you, and I think it's mutual." I tried to compare it to a "learning situation" compared to if, for example, I was blind and he had to teach me the alphabet. Here you (as a sighted person) cannot start from what you yourself can do/how you learn yourself, but you must start from what I can do and how I (without sight) can learn the alphabet. To this he replied that that situation had to be seen in a completely different context. I was completely surprised when he then said, "I am the key to your self-development." (You don't know better?) According to my partner, I am egocentric/narcissistic because: When I seek to understand another person, I start from myself (emotions, thoughts, experiences, knowledge, behavior, etc.). When I try to get another person to understand me, I start from the other person (feelings, thoughts, experiences, knowledge, behavior, etc.). In both cases, I am curious about both differences and similarities and what is the reason for these. In the interaction with another person, I use this to be able to harmonize/adjust our common understanding of experiences/conflicts/behaviour/desires in order to learn more about each other and increase understanding for each other. Am I completely blank?

[@Alice-fr1ef]

Hello Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community from California. There are no children in this marriage of over 50 years and I am thankful for that. This has been a nightmare and my Faith in the Lord God Almighty is what I lean on. I am 80 and too late to start over but I think lots about what might have been if I had not married this narcissistic person. I will tell anyone right now that they do not change and love the way they are and will get worse as they get older. Since I started listening to Dr. Carter I have learned so much because I had never heard of narcissism before. I knew he had problems and told him so but I had no name for the problems. I don't play the games anymore thanks to Dr. Carter and I have learned to live and let him live in that world by himself. I don't care what other people think as this is something that happens the older I get, I don't care what other thinks as he has talked them out about me as much as he could. Yes they do enjoy hurting people especially the one they are with in a relationship. Thank you so much Dr. Carter.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so welcome, Alice.

[@amothergoddess2774]

I AM NOW TRYING TO FORGET IT, I FEEL NO ONE WILL BELIEVE ME AND I WAS OBSESSING ABOUT THEIR BEHAVIOUR, BUT I STILL REMAIN NO CONTACT BE VERY CAREFUL WHO YOU TALK TO ABOUT THIS, MOST WONT BELIEVE YOU, EVEN PROFESSIONALS WONT WANT TO HEAR IT!

[@shaafalyemen]

Thanks again

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Always welcome

[@marilyntill9507]

You are not alone!! My friend. I am (67) years of age. So , we will start over together ❤……

[@tinatots4801]

Good morning 🌞

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Good afternoon!!

[@user-en8uu2mz4q]

I have a question. My narcissistic mother and I had a disagreement. Nothing really big, but she ended up unfriending me on social media. Then 4 months later accused me of unfriending her. Rather than starting a big argument I just blew it off and told her I never unfriended her and don’t even know how to. I feel like dealing with a narcissist is like dealing with a child. Is this normal behavior for them? She lied to my face. Why didn’t she just apologize and own up?

[@bereal6590]

They are like children, very angry children. My mother and father are now elderly and they've got worse. My mother text me asking me to ring her, she was out shopping. She asked me did I want anything, as I pondered she lost her rag and told me im just like my father father and can't make a decision. He had bugged her yet she felt it acceptable to accuse me. I said I'm fine with decisions (im not I struggle because of how they were raising me, but I'd not done anything to her), that shocked her and she shut up. No apology though. They say what they want when they want, but you can't. It's how it works or rather doesn't work for you being in their presence. They'll forget anything they ever said or did to you but they remember everything you ever said or did. Basically they don't trust us

[@sandyinsc5024]

They'll never admit that it was they who did it, whatever it is, even if it is easily proven to be a lie. They would rather die on that hill.

[@diane19456]

Thank you!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're welcome!

[@Joanna-np6fx]

Yes! Spot on! Dr.C you understand this all so well, I wish I had your wisdom, I’ll just keep watching the videos 😊

[@garlickebagg]

This goes on BEST OF list!!! THANXXXXX.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're so kind!

[@sharynfoster3255]

Thanks againTeam Healthy!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

#TeamHealthy

[@ASpootifulMind]

9:29 "Trust is earned, it's not a right."

[@adamgrobin6566]

I enjoy and benefit from your videos Dr. C. - thank you for your insights. Could you address "Why aren’t narcissists ever capable of explaining their own behaviors?" In general, I see this as an absence of self-reflection, but I'm asking about a slightly different situation. I'm married to a person with many narcissistic tendencies and many times I've sought to understand what's going on. My spouse primarily denies and deflects, so eventually I start offering guesses about what motivated her behavior. This results in two outcomes. The first is rage along with the sentiment that I'm doing something unacceptable by trying to know her "feelings". It's always brought to feelings (not thoughts). My guess is this seems like a strong defensive position to not cooperate with any authentic communication seeking to resolve issues in a reciprocal way. The second reaction to my guessing about explanations for her behavior when she won't provide one is that whatever I have guessed is dismissed as incorrect. She then lists other possible explanations that are not the correct explanation, but never discloses what the correct explanation is. The question can stay open for days, weeks, and even years with no resolution.

[@notagain779]

@adamgrobin6566, I don't think you're alone in this. My brother could have written what you did about his wife. He has said that there isn't any way to reason with her, as she'll say, "Well, I think differently" even if her reasoning is shot through with holes. I no longer am willing to deal with this sister in law, and if I were my brother, I 'd have to divorce her. He's willing to put up with it, however. I feel for men dealing with this, as I do believe some women are full of psychological control tricks. I'm so sorry.

[@bereal6590]

My opinion on this is that they're attempting to gain psychological stasis. Without an ability to introspect, stasis becomes everything 'out there', including other people who they see as attacking them. They may be aware of what they're doing but it's justified to them as they feel under attack. They don't see or even if they do see that they're harming someone else, they feel so overwhelmed they double down into crazyville to avoid anything that impinges on their world view or on them. It's why there is never a conclusion, they're not looking for one! They're in avoid,deflect,denial mode. Instead of working on their own pain, they've locked it up, thrown away the key and see you as a threat to that. They're excellent at compartmentalising. They also won't explain themselves but they will expect you to be a mind reader

[@targetedtyranny4661]

It crazy they will actually isolate you and get others to cooperate to trap you in there reality,get you to believe in there reality.

[@DaphneBlake-gu5tw]

@Denice Haley, yes & it's really bad when it's cooler outside than inside in my bedroom, due to my narc parents turning up my thermostat as a punishment 🥵😞

[@sturobertson6791]

Hi Daphne. That sounds bad. Do they do other things too? If you recognise a pattern, you have a chance of lessening its impact on you. Take care Daphne. Self care isntselfish, it's healthy. All the best🙏🌞👍

[@teresadvorak6145]

Call the cops,Welfare & a church if they are abusing u

[@teresadvorak6145]

Call the cops,Welfare & a church if they are abusing u

[@DaphneBlake-gu5tw]

@@sturobertson6791 thanks, Stu

[@charlottemacdonald4167]

My father, a Narcissist, had a sadistic dimension. I experienced this as a need to get attention at times. He had been shamed, so he felt comfortable shaming others. It might have been a way of saying to his family, "See, I am suffering from having been shamed, so now you know how it feels.". As he got older I experienced him as adrift. I think he was becoming aware of his true state of mind, but he never sought out counseling. Perhaps he could not accept that he was made up of different parts, some more aware and some less aware. Very sad. Today, I would sit and talk with him with love in my heart and allow him to bring forth some of his pain. We all loved him in spite of his faults. Unfortunately, he did not allow it. Counseling is so important because, as a result, we actualize our authentic selves . No more waste of our potential. Thank you, Mr. Carter, for sharing your knowledge and expertise about this condition. ❤❤❤

[@m.o.t.h.studios]

I foolishly thought that when I confronted my parent’s about how their dysfunctional parenting had given me cptsd that they would have shown empathy for my suffering and begin to avoid harmful behaviors within the family structure (manipulation, triangulation, lying, invalidation, intimidation) and boy I was wrong. My mother immediately attempted to gaslight me by saying my perceptions were wrong and that I should get a brain scan. My father who has zero emotional intelligence panicked and called me hyper sensitive and scoffed at the idea of going to therapy. Then most recently my mother says that Im trying to make the family conform to my standards because I asked her to not triangulate between the other members and that i want to have healthy communication. So by me thwarting her ability to manipulate me, Im now the controller. The entire conflict has really solidified my assumptions that the not so pleasant traits Im working so tirelessly to scrub out of my being, (defensiveness, anger etc.) were in fact a byproduct of their lack of genuine love and empathy for me. I had to adapt to survive as a child. The second I stepped out of the people pleaser role, all hell broke loose.

[@fred.k9875]

Narcissist promoting narcissism is a lose proposition, getting in the arena with them is a lose situation.

[@koma4050]

All good points Dr. Carter. Thanks again for your advice and positive outlook on surviving narcissism. I chose to delete a previous comment because I thought it was too personal and didn't think it was safe to share on YT. I just wanted to mention one of the comments in the chat session. Somebody stated that narcissists are dysfunctional which is accurate. They are dysfunctional but don't believe they are and continue to cause damage and pain to others. It's not fair nor is it acceptable behaviour but they'll likely never change nor apologize for the harm they've caused which is sad but that's the reality.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Your comments are a reminder to believe what you see and experience as opposed to what they say.

[@orielwiggins2225]

That last one, with the parental alternation, feel like a whole episode devoted to practical solutions and tips and advice and the why's behind their behavior, would be really helpful, especially for those of us attempting to co parent thru this, either in marriage or after divorce.

[@michelleharkness7549]

FWIW- wishing you a glorious afternoon ahead and, as well, and amazing 🤩 evening ahead tonight

[@stevenlight5006]

This trouble I'm in ,I will not yield,it's been 18 yr.of a shit test.i would rather die than yield to this NAR.

[@aprilsmith9948]

Great Video!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad you enjoyed it

[@DaphneBlake-gu5tw]

How are you, Teresa?

[@t_nels]

Thanks for asking. I saw my nurse practitioner. I have something to get me through a brief period while I handle this current situation. My oldest is in flight to visit. Everyone will be together. I don't know how it will all go. I will be around my ex, her father on Saturday. I don't want to treat high blood pressure. I want to fix the cause.

[@DaphneBlake-gu5tw]

@@t_nels wishing u the best!💗⚘️💓

[@t_nels]

@@DaphneBlake-gu5tw Thank you ☀️

[@Well_Woman_WORD_Woman]

How do you recognize and help someone who is experiencing narcissist abuse?

[@Hatbox948]

Good question!

[@Hatbox948]

Good question!

[@aaronkwolfe]

I (volunteer) work with guys with some addiction issues, and I recognize the expressions, frustration, and the shared stories. I refer to it as “the limp” that we recognize and understand. I help by sharing what I’ve learned by experience and from TH.

[@evelynwells-rk1ed]

This video, I must be psychic!

[@evagrimaldi6524]

I noticed that Im using anger and even agressivenes to protect myself from the narcissist in my family, otherwise I feel I would be eaten alive by them or they would see it as opportunity to exploit the loving vulnerable parts of myself as they did for many years. what's a better approach to handle this? I don't like living this way

[@eurokay4755]

@evagrimaldi6524 - you don't like using the anger, which shows you're on the right path. It helped me a lot when I decided to notice my feelings (anger, hurt, etc) but, when needing to be in contact with my narcissistic family members, to set the feelings aside for only myself, in private, to work through later. In the immediate moment, cold logic and a non-emotional, flat, dead-eyed (not angry) face is invaluable. The logical thought process is, "Is this worth my time and energy?" 99% of the time, it's not, and the only words needed from me are either nothing at all, or "oh", or "hmmm" or "o.k." I try to avoid saying "I" to them at all, because I think of that as exposing myself, my thoughts, feelings, ideas, etc to them for trampling on. So I give them nothing: no emotion, no information about myself, nothing they can twist into something I never said, etc. It's important to always have a reason to leave the room or conversation, even if it's made up. "I need to: take this call, check on the kids, go to the restroom, get to my next meeting," etc. Mo explanation, mind you; just a simple statement right before you say goodbye and walk away, which you must do right then. At first, they'll go nuts, trying to drag you into their drama, but as long as you are very consistently boring and unemotional, they will avoid you. All your feelings about being abused by your family members are best dealt with by only you and a safe person like a therapist. I spent years thinking I could get them to stop if they understood. It just doesn't work that way, and there's nothing more for you to understand, either. They are irrational and disordered, and they feed on the drama around your emotional reaction to them. Take that away from them (no matter how justified it is), and you'll find peace.

[@evagrimaldi6524]

@@eurokay4755 thank you 🙏

[@erikavaleries]

I feel so controlled digitally by constant communication, instant BFF/lovebombing, oversharing, like I am expected to reciprocate exactly. I can’t keep up. I can’t do daily small talk. I can’t trust immediately on social media or by revealing everything right away. People seem to demand or expect it as normal but it feels controlling. I feel awful and confused. I asked to wait until I have something new to say and energy to reply, but it’s disappointing or seen as mean or uncaring. I simply can’t keep up. I burn out then leave the site and fall out of touch. I don’t know if these friendships are real or on demand attention. I’m tired of it.

[@michelepascoe6068]

So do some people who've been psychologically and emotionally abused as children grow up to not trust anyone, and others grow up to trust others too much without adequate personal boundaries?

[@giraffewhisperer1]

Great question. I have the same one. I have trouble understanding why meanness seems so appealing to narcs. It takes much more energy it seems.

[@michelepascoe6068]

@@giraffewhisperer1 yes, it's confusing. Lundy Bancroft explains the abusive mindset and how different it is from the caring mindset, in his book "Why Does He Do That?". We think differently and interpret life differently and don't even guess that a person is after power with no interest in the love and harmony we are seeking.

[@giraffewhisperer1]

@@michelepascoe6068 Thank you Michele. I'll check it out. Have a great evening.

[@michelepascoe6068]

@@giraffewhisperer1 thank you. Isn't it great having all this help and encouragement available :)

[@diane19456]

I am listening thanks

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Wonderful!

[@BmanOutdoors]

So basically narcissist can turn a victim into a narcissist after many years ? One of my deepest fears is being like my abusive parents

[@michelleharkness7549]

In Thanksgiving: { USA 🇺🇸} : btw: Doctor Les Carter, Ph.D.: ( presenter- Awareness- Mental Health- Fabulous information ℹ️} : thank you 😊: again, thank you 😊

[@francesbernard2445]

"A strongly controlling person is a strongly fearful person." So true while the narcissist is often trying so hard to portray themselves as being the strong one who has it all together in contrast with all those whom they are being controlling towards. For example there is nothing wrong with preferring to look at and be with people who are from the same sex from time to time or always. We human beings were made to mate for life with only one person after recognizing one another as being so. Some of us remain single all of our lives. Nothing wrong with that. A left leaning narcissist however when observing that which is according to them lasting too long demands that person declare their preference then for the rest of their life with no expections. A right leaning narcissist after someone has declared what their preference is when it comes to what gender of person(s) to spend time with will then be prone to by surprise assualt whomever they regard as being LGBQT+. Both left and right leaning narcissists are controlling while they are lacking the ability to self reflect. The narcissist hangs onto their blind spots by glorifying their feelings and themselves as if they should be written into stone onto a larger than life statue standing above all those they feel the right to be controlling of. Around narcissistic people others constant experience double dilemmas.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You get it, Frances.

[@karldunne5595]

"Flying Monkeys"...... Hahahahahaha!!!...so true 👍🙏...

[@henrykujawa4427]

QUESTION: I work as a Home Health Aide. It became clear to me last week that NOBODY in my office has the slightest idea what NPD / Narcissistic Personality Disorder is, when I told them I've been studying it intently for a year-and a half. WONDERFULLY, I am currently between assignments, my 82-year-old control-freak narcissistic client having pushed me out (and he and his younger partner both yelling at me angrily as they did so). Between months of stress (I've figured that this assignment never should have gone past the first 6 months when I first complained to my office about it-- instead, it went on for over 4 YEARS), and the awful weather, I decided, on my own, to take the entire month of August OFF, and told my "coordinator" she didn't have to start looking for my next case until September 1. My idea is to wait until I'm back to work (with someone new)... and then, share your channel with my office's "general manager", suggesting as I do that she pass it on up to HER superiors in north New Jersey. I feel it would be of great benefit to EVERYONE working for this company to be aware of this insidious and DANGEROUS problem. No one should have to put their mental & physical health, or their reputations and JOBS at risk to help people who make things so difficult. (I got "written up"with a warning, when in my mind, I should have gotten a commendation for sticking with these guys for so long.) The specific video I'm thinking of sending a link to is "HOW NARCISSISTS ULTIMATELY IMPLODE", as pretty much every point made in it relates directly to what I've been dealing with. Do YOU think this is a good idea? In the chat, one person advised against it, but another thought it sounded good.

[@vintage6346]

Henry, I'm paralytic. My aides have lied to me, stolen from me, not shown up for work, and broken things (i.e., a chair) through carelessness. Telling the employment agency what the aide has done to me did "zero" good. The aides blame me at the agency, and the agency "warns" the next aide about me before sending her,... so they arrive already with a hateful attitude. In my opinion, the agency cares NOTHING about fairness. "Agencies" have no conscience. P.S. When I say "stole", I mean cloned my bankcard and cleaned out my account,... besides being missing items. There might be one individual at the agency who seems to have scrupples, and who might appreciate these videos, but mostly I think you'll be throwing "pearls before swine".

[@ellenbruckermarshall4179]

No. Move on as quietly as possible. If you think you will not leave with a good job recommendation, then you should have left a while ago.

[@michelleharkness7549]

In Thanksgiving; { USA 🇺🇸} : btw: The Presentation: { Awareness- Mental Health- Fabulous information ℹ️} is wonderful: again: wonderful

[@deannesullivan5392]

I have a narcissistic sister doing the smear campaign against me with my relatives, and they're believing her lies. What can I do?

[@lfranc923]

How close or could my narc spouse have schizophrenia. He believes that he senses people are angels that he meets out for example at the store, saying that he gets a zap in his body to know that it's an angel and has delusions thinking people's spirit are in animals come to bother him? bizarre, I know.

[@direstraights]

As of recent I had said to (who I think has Narcissist Behavior issues) and this has been after someone in the neighborhood asked her when needing a ride in her car. "Are You drinking"? (Well that was it literally) She blew up burned the sand and gravel making a deep crevice and drove her car back to her house. Ok, Then about three minutes later I heard two people arguing at her house. Turns out that when the woman who needed a ride knocked on her door asked: "What is going on"? Narcissist woman didn't even like that was very nasty to her and attacked her facially and then knocking her to the ground. She ended up hospitalized and now has a O.P. Order of Protection from her for two years. And when the police arrived the NARC lied and had said the other woman tried to break into her house😮. Which wast true. Ok, so... a couple of times she acted nastily to me and others as well ...trying to micro manage others actions to suit her vantage point etc... this went on for months btw. Well, she did exactly the thing your saying that she began circulating falsehoods...even to that woman prior to the incident afterwards. Narcissist claiming she can't go for a walk use the laundry b/c of me... Lol Woman asked her; "WHY? what does she do' Answer; None; she couldn't even make up a lie b/c she thinks just b/c she said it it will believed. End now..sorry for long story but, it may help others. So she's been out two days later and tried to pick a fight with me...well...I'm pretty patient but this time I had to stop her in her tracks and had said 'shouting' "Stop Drinking and hurting yourself and others"!!!! "Keep Your Hands to yourself (like kindergarten)( I'm thinking right Now) Her answer is typical. A; "You're Crazy!!!" Then saw her .. live in guy... and he's now saying that too.. Wowser!! P.S. They're being evicted as I write this. P.P.S. It's horrible to have to listen to their abuse let's alone any physical abuse I just couldn't let it go. I'm detaching energetically and hopefully be at Peace..they just waste so many pieces times, lives..and ruin them as well. 😢❤

[@raa3036]

What if the flying monkey is loyal to the narcissist because the narcissist is being taken advantage of by the flying monkey? My husband is a master plumber and has strong mechanical skills and he uses these skills to buy loyalty and because he is afraid of disappointing certain of his "friends" he provides his plumbing and mechanical skills for pennies on the dollar or for free resulting in the flying monkeys believing my husband (the narcissist) is the greatest person they've ever met.

[@michelleharkness7549]

Off the record- It would seem that if a person and/or and denizen of This Planet 🌎 is overly salt-absorbed it would not be advantageous to the “ common good “

[@AnnePerkins-po5jo]

I never really understood why people advise someone going through a tough time that there are people worse off than them. If the person suffering is an empath, they only feel worse thinking of those who are going through worse things. If not an empath, are they supposed to be reassured by knowing that there are people worse off? Doesn't seem healthy to me. Also, isn't it a way to diminish the feelings of the person suffering, whether they are empathic or not? Maybe it just depends on the context, and is appropriate if the issue is a minor one, but even then it seems inauthentic.

[@ginafarley6190]

They’re blowing off your pain and don’t want to hear it. BUT if you’re a constant complainer, do look into that. Best of luck❤️

[@ginafarley6190]

My guess is that they’re not empathetic at all. Run! Find safe, warm people

[@AnnePerkins-po5jo]

@@ginafarley6190 Sure do hope I am not a constant complainer! We are supposed to be grateful for what we have, but there is a line, I think, when someone is going through a really tough time.

[@yanetrodriguezcruz3609]

Still know news . It has been a while and narcissistic people noone wants them. They do not acknowledged or understand. Its not their ... Way of being. Please let them in piece. To find their own peace.

[@yanetrodriguezcruz3609]

They trasspass your life and.... Everything is normal. They.......

[@direstraights]

Missed ya live ... Watching now.. Heat Index is 106 it's Cuckoo...

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yeah, that's a bit toasty!

[@michelleharkness7549]

In Thanksgiving: { USA 🇺🇸} : btw: Media Technical Support People and Staff at Doctor Les Carter, Ph.D. ( Awareness- Mental Health- Fabulous Information ℹ️) : btw: thank you 😊: again: thank you 😊

[@direstraights]

Im wondering why that nunber of indicuals whobare self awarenis so low.. And also I wonder jsut how many are imprisoned by not waiting for themselces to calm down before acting. Also, 80% of the USA drinks alcohol... yikes ..Im going to end my thoughts right there. Ongong Blessings ❤

[@raa3036]

Are you familiar with Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy by Dr. Richard Schwartz, and in your opinion, might it be an effective form of therapy for both the narcissist and the victim?

[@user-uc5qb4fh8w]

Doctor Carter, My question is how does a person with strong narcissistic tendencies keep a "harem" of exes on social media if it is common for people with narcissistic tendencies to not be able to have stable relationships? The one I am seeing has exes on there that seem to be ok with him. My experience with him was that he was passive aggressive, played mind games and was trying to send sublimal messages. I just deactivated the account. I just dont understand how those women can't see the obvious actions going on. It was very obvious to me. The mirroring was done to several women that I could see. It was a very strange phenomenon. It was very easy for me to see and figure out. I would post something and that person would mirror it right away. I can see it being done to others. So, if i can see it why don't they?

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Perhaps the narcissist was controlled by a/both parents, and decides to control other people.

[@MentalHealthWellness-Self-Care]

Hello, Dr. C. Just checking in. Thank you as always!! Stay cool 💦❄️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, you too!

[@yanetrodriguezcruz3609]

Let me know as soon as you have a diferent topic. I am not interested in narsisistic personality. Have a good day. Kiss your dog for me.