The Worst Feeling After Being With A Narcissist

Once you figure out how dysfunctional narcissism is, it is natural for you to pull back and reflect on what has happened inside the relationship. When that happens, a sinking feeling of disillusionment can creep in, and as Dr. Les Carter explains, there is one strong emotional reaction that can be hard to shake.
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[@MsChris2707]

It was a cocktail of feelings. I didn’t even understand what had happened, but felt shock, confusion, agony, paralysis, sadness, anger, betrayal, excruciating pain. The worst feeling however was that I was doubting my own version of reality and truth. It felt as if I had lost myself.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Yes. That doubt! It's the gaslighting. I hope you're finding yourself now. Take care 🙏❤

[@MsChris2707]

@@amandaliverpool3374 Thank you! 🙏❤️ I’m well on my healing path, trusting myself again. You please take care too!

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

Same

[@lindabell2940]

Yea you lost yourself lady, but our Doctor is helping, you are back miss lady, stay on track

[@maryoleary5044]

Totally Agree with the first comment! (also all the other responses) In my case it was in a volunteer environment ..but saw amazing staff being put through total hell ..one individual got away with so much atrocious behaviour 😡😡🤬

[@edwong4178]

The worst thing for me was realising that they never cared one bit about me. Even the things they did for me was really to maintain their false self-image.

[@user-bt6qd8it1d]

They bully abuse and push away from the start so they can blame their victims for walking away and hoping we will never see the explotation lies double standards hypocrisy lies slander rape gaslighting Darvo and illegal for profit human trafficking that the fake families and system is lol

[@jds6964]

That is exactly what I finally realized about my mother. She could only give me superficial love and she did things for me because she thought that I was / am an idiot that could never do things on my own. It also made her feel superior to me.

[@howdydocowgirlcowgirl181]

Yes, & they MIGHT "confess" some of their "fresh" outrageous shenanigans to a 3rd party just in case & in the effort to appear contrite & to cover their tracks, so to speak.

[@nikiaharvell27]

In my experience the worst part was/ is knowing that my time was wasted and I was taken advantage of

[@louisanelson7948]

I feel the same way. It sucks.

[@alidolally4851]

Yup and yup. You can’t get it back. Yourself. The time. Long time out of it for me, but goodness I’ll never be the same. Mind you , I can sniff a narc instantly . Can also see the proliferation of Narcissism in the world atm at every level - worrying.

[@johntuohy1867]

@@alidolally4851 Right so. Time not exactly "wasted": you learned a lot -not in your chosen field - so now you are wiser and more discerning in who time gets spent with. Best wishes to you

[@johntuohy1867]

Nikia Demmings: You survived hopefully fully intact and without bitterness anger or hatred. So your time was not wasted.Hard lesson learned on who NOT to waste time with. Best wishes to you.

[@kattalinamkazunas3573]

Me as well. So much time lost in some of my primee years. Feel like a fool. Plus the damn fatigue, no joy in life loss of friends, financial losses

[@istateyourname4710]

Feeling devalued & worthless. No one should feel that way. Ever.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

❤

[@MsChris2707]

😢❤️

[@aaronkwolfe]

❤ Surviving this, I think, allows us to see the value & worth of others. The goal is to be able to convey that to those around us who are in the process of learning that about themselves.

[@istateyourname4710]

@@aaronkwolfe I also think it broadens our empathy, and our ability to hold space for others w/ this shared experience.

[@hurricanelorraine2206]

That's it... for many years I wondered why I wasn't good enough. Now I know it's him who isn't good enough for me.

[@alyssaleatham8544]

I appreciate that you are going to put this into words for us because God knows, I've tried. It's just...like standing in the middle of the wreckage looking in circles and seeing bits if who you were and what you had, and looking off into the distance and seeing the tornado that forgot about you the minute after they destroyed what you put your heart and soul into. I am in tears, so proud of everyone here sharing this. We really are strong, aren't we?

[@aliceroberts1980]

Yes they test twist twist things so much. You can’t even explain to somebody else. I always want record our conversation or arguments

[@sage9836]

That is a vivid visual image.

[@ericb8413]

My daughter was gaslighted so much she started recording everything as she thought she was losing her mind. Her husband moved out this month so I’m hoping the healing can start. 🫶

[@ilashankar9031]

Yessss, we're strong! Getting stronger and growing!

[@jaimhaas5170]

As long as we keep getting up and doing one day at a time. We are making an effort. Who knows if we will ever feel normal again. Starting over is so hard for many of us.

[@js6546]

Absolute shock and horror that all we had built together was wilfully destroyed. Sadness that children had to navigate this new reality. Stunned that I had jumped through every hoop and it was never enough, that it was all a lie. Relief that I found this community online and all the pieces fell into place.

[@user-su6fy4pw2h]

I can SO relate with your comment!! All the acts of love, compassion, service, and dedication to my ex was NEVER enough. Even endured betrayals believing in 2nd chances...only to be used, abused, betrayed again, devalued, and eventually discarded.

[@sanjmalik6282]

@J S Everything you said is exactly how it was for me too.

[@kristinb5121]

Sadness, for what I thought was true and what could have been.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

I get it. Now you can move on with empowering knowledge❣

[@SuntoryPop927]

The worst feeling is PARANOIA….once you have left a narc knowing that you are being spied on, that you never again will have any privacy as they are constantly behind the scenes trying to get info on you to use against you in some way. You almost have to go into the witness protection program to get relief from these toxic bums.

[@pabo8080]

I can relate to this. Imagine what you just described but with the added bonus twist of third parties behind the scenes that are in law enforcement and have bugged every communications device, put cameras on you, and interfere with any job or person you try and get or meet. Years of it. The hopelessness is beyond words.

[@SuntoryPop927]

@@pabo8080 they are sick puppies. You have to basically go 100% no contact and drop completely off the internet especially work related info like LinkedIn; I feel your pain.

[@morebirdsandroses]

Toxic bums! You've been through it but you still rock. Best for more recovery❤❤

[@NopeNotTodaySatan]

I can absolutely relate to all of this!!

[@alimccreery755]

I believe you and can relate totally 👍

[@Ivan-bf2jx]

I was used. I was not loved. I was not ment to be loved. I was just a means to an end while being lied to that there was love, just need to work harder to stop screwing it all up. Then I was discarded like a pair of old shoes. Yes, that hurts💔 It hurts on a very deep level.

[@TildaTsunagari]

YES. It’s so painful.

[@LaniLanilei]

I can relate totally.

[@carolferguson19]

You will see the light and be glad someday. I've been there and just went on knowing I tried my hardest. Eventually I realized it wasn't me and thank God I got away. Smile and you will meet many people that are better for you. You've learned alot now. Relax and take good care of YOU 💕🙏

[@Greydog184]

I am going to copy this and keep it with me. You put it perfectly what I felt. After taking care of her and her 3,young kids and then raising mine. I was a safe space , trustworthy and forgiving. The perfect target. ❤

[@Greydog184]

I’m 48 and feel I felt I spent a entire decade of wasted time with someone was not even in love with me. I am feeling betrayed, sad and total disbelief that humans could be so ugly.

[@billyrayvalentine7972]

Knowing that I've been manipulated for three decades is a bitter pill to swallow. Knowing I and I alone ignored red flags and chose to enter into the relationship is another bitter pill. But knowing that I'm not alone on my journey gives me some comfort. EDIT. Thank you all for your replies. I am being kind to myself and still trying to go no contact but financially she put me in a bad spot. I know it my heart everything I did I did out of love for her so my conscience is clean. I cannot imagine thinking like they do or acting as they do. It is inhumane and there is no excuse for it. Because we all know they have their " reasons" for doing the things they do. Stay strong all you warriors. ❤🙏

[@grandmais4you]

30 years for me too.

[@sweetfightsboxing4380]

just over 30 years for me too. In the aftermath I continued to be amazed at all the things I did not understand.

[@b0nn1e66]

Same here. I was planning a trip for our 30th wedding anniversary 12/23.

[@nowfree31]

30 years for me too. There are more of us out there than I would have believed. Clearly we tried to make it work. Knowing I was used and that he never loved me was a bitter pill. But I know that every day away from him is a better day. I don't miss the fear.

[@jaimhaas5170]

Right there with you brother. IT makes us doubt ourselves like no other event. One day at a time.

[@beverlyorlando8040]

Towards the end of my 33 years of a confusing marriage to my covert narcissistic ex husband, I remember looking in the mirror and saying out loud "he gotcha". I then declared to myself "well, the jig is up!" Two years since I walked away, I still struggle some days with flashbacks, triggers and nightmares. But I'm learning how to better cope with them and have a new found peace I've NEVER before known. I grew up in a toxic environment as well, with a glaringly overt narcissistic father & codependent mother as my examples. Lots to heal from. But that is my commitment to myself now.

[@alectrona1613]

Knowing that all along I was being used when my own actions were borne of decency, but also dismay at myself for not picking up the red flags at the beginning. Thank you Dr Les for giving insight into these intentionally deceitful creatures.

[@franceshaggitt3104]

Hear you. Been three wk since I got rid of him for good. I miss the times but just my brain 🧠 doing tricks

[@lindabell2940]

Man Doctor, im ready for your truth, plus your community can be alright, the way the folks put the comments, they are helping me , my worse feeling, was finally, taking every part of horror, to the narcissist face, it killed me, but this community is being, hey we got your back, be ok ,right on, dont go to the gutter,

[@tanyabell7748]

​@@lindabell2940 yes, stay strong! We KNOW what ur going thru & it's a difficult path at times ...actually, a LOT! I'm hopeful ur growing in leaps & bounds; knowledge is power! Be safe & know you're #1! ♡

[@TheDiamondEdge1]

He baited and dog whistled all the time. It was exhausting.

[@theresaalbano4363]

Evil!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@natalievitrano8251]

Going on 9 months since I left. This morning I woke up feeling like the best version of myself I've ever been. I believe I've turned the corner from feeling used to feeling victorious. It has been a long, difficult, and painful journey, but I have surrounded myself with supportive, joyful people and outright refuse to engage with critical, ugly individuals in any way. I am at peace and rebuilding my life my way.

[@gaidhliglass]

Congrats! I wish you continued success on your journey to recovery.

[@AAXS-op1vo]

It took walking away from it to realize what a prison I had been trying to live in. Dr. C is right, there IS no loyalty or care. It is quite insidious and we are unknowingly complicit. But now that I am FREE, I am learning just how powerful, creative and wonderfully made And purposeful I am. It feels good to realize that I AM capable or building and living a vibrant and beautiful life all by myself. My life WITHOUT the narcissist has been GOLDEN; filled with wonders, travel, new opportunities and times of great growth. It has been a long road and I am still on my healing path but I would not trade the wisdom and knowledge for anything now. It is precious to me.

[@AAXS-op1vo]

Hold ON to the victorious feeling. It will guide you to and through the right path. The feeling of victory and health is a feeling you WANT to hold on to so that you don’t fall back into the same sick cycle the narc had you in. We can get USED to the abuse, which is never a good thing

[@texaspatty458]

Realizing that everything you were ever told was a Lie . It's especially difficult when you have narc parents , you question EVERYTHING 😮😮??!!

[@creekwoodjoe1607]

The blaming, criticism, arguing and insults are the reason why I have no desire to waist energy explaining anything. No contact.

[@sueterra3911]

TY for this video. Took me 22 YEARS to learn that the LOVE OF MY LIFE was using me whilst I was ADORING him. At 24 yrs and 9 months of marriagge, he died. The relief I felt when my sentence ended made me, and others, think that I am a heartless heathen. Your explanation of what had been happening assures me that I am not heartless.....I am a grateful survivor. I mourn the loss of what I thought was love, but I cherish the opportunity to finish my life as a free bird. OH, the mixed emotions!!!!!!

[@cyndim8785]

I can only imagine. Go be free Free Bird.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I hope that in your freedom, you can also find peace! Best wishes to you, Sue.

[@denicehaley9902]

Sue Terra, wow! You’ve expressed my inner thoughts if the Lord takes my narc “husband.” I doubt I’d grieve, but rejoice from being set free. Thanks for sharing your heart.

[@sweetfightsboxing4380]

Sue. I was with the narcissist for over 30 years. The mix of emotions and relief are complicated. Few others, especially those who have never been through anything like this have no capacity to understand. Be free and enjoy life!!! You have been through enough. Be happy as you build a better future. You are FREE!!

[@florapoole6437]

I ain't mad at you!!!!!4😂😂😂😂😊

[@patriciajoseph3035]

I had to come to the realization and acceptance that I was not wanted, just needed. That's extremely painful.

[@sharonhorwitz7903]

It hurts like hell….except I ended up with the bank account! Coming to terms is painful. I hope the SOB lives a long, broke life. Dr. Carter, you’ve expressed all the emotions I felt. Once he moved in, which I thought was temporary, he became an entitled animal. Entitled to my retirement $, and that was when he had to go. He called me cheap and selfish when I wouldn’t buy him a BMW. I’m just sick of feeling the wounds, however, moving on slowly. Thank you !

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That is indeed a painful realization. Keep leaning forward.

[@Heather-xz8fk]

This is so true. I struggle with having been such a fool for allowing myself to be used. Manipulated. Conned. Omg. I was so gullible. A sucker is born every minute and I was one. I’m so angry at myself.

[@aaronkwolfe]

Obviously we've all been there. What helped me is the realization that, under the same circumstances (no red flags YET), I'd do the same things. It's who I am. But now I know better. So, never again. I know what the red flags are. So do you, now. I hope that helps you forgive yourself.

[@Heather-xz8fk]

@@aaronkwolfe I saw the red flags and ignored many of them. She was the president of a club and we became "friends" when I volunteered. I would have walked away long, long ago except I was in that social club. I did not want to lose connections to people I liked. Ugh. Co-dependency and denial. Diseases of the mind that are hard to cure or manage. Thanks for your post.

[@loekiekanters4295]

You're not the only one, maybe that helps.

[@gurubhaikhalsa9337]

You're not alone, friend.

[@ericb8413]

Give yourself a break. You didn’t know then what you know now. Treat yourself as you would a loved friend. Give yourself grace.

[@McgarickWAstate]

I keep saying to myself..."I wasted 30 years" Dealing with an anger stage now.

[@dahliafiend]

Ya I’d be happy if my ex was put in jail honestly.

[@mariaawake4502]

After finding out about the reality of narcissism I felt disgusted. But as I was born into a narcissistic family I had to recognize ,that I would hurt myself even more, if I broke off all contact to narcissists . Now I am strictly goal oriented and guarded dealing with the narcissists in my life.

[@franceshaggitt3104]

Me too

[@amandaliverpool3374]

I have only gone no contact when it's been absolutely necessary. It's impossible to avoid all. It shows strength and courage what you are doing. It's whatever works for YOU! Stay strong 💪 🙏

[@mariaawake4502]

@@amandaliverpool3374 , yes it is difficult. I am in contact with my n sister because she is the only sister I have. Our contact is important to her too and she usually behaves herself for a while. We have been strictly NC with my in-laws for many years, as they are too toxic even for the narcissist (he was the scapegoat of the clan). I think there is a difference between narcissists, although I do not underestimate their nastiness ,when they can get away with it, because you are weak. However I do not have any sympathy because of their disorder , nor do I think they will change or work with you. Their basic mistrust of everyone always remains.

[@almaburns6562]

@@mariaawake4502 They mistake our kindness and empathy for weakness; we are not weak.

[@mariaawake4502]

@@almaburns6562 , when you do not understand narcissism and you are dealing with a narcissist, he will break you down psychologically and slowly ruin your health.

[@tbunnyshy1]

Feeling like and “believing the lie” that you won’t survive without them.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

They do this to wear you down. You got this. Stay strong 💪 🙏❤✌ 🤗

[@susanfox-mx3nv]

First, I realized my husband is a narcissist. Soon, I knew my mother was one too. While having this epiphany, I realized I'd had bosses and friends who fall under this banner. On thinking further, I remembered these people in detail. It seemed with each of them I'd sensed an ugliness at first meeting them. This sense mostly went away, but it continued to pop up here and there. It's like the truth of the monsters was hidden under their unique brand of BS. And this sense of the ugly was somehow repulsive. It is like a horror movie when the truth is hidden behind a barrier, and we must not get too close. Videos like this have been my manna. They have fed my soul, making it possible to explore this strange and sick reality. I am in the process of rising above it.

[@morebirdsandroses]

You will❤❤❤

[@williambransome388]

So dramatic...... Rise above it.... How about just avoid it. Probably sounds cold and hard. I had two decades of the same crap from my wife. Finally started to understand it when I was able to frame it. Seven decades of narc relation with my mom. Who keeps attracting these people? Me.

[@allenone6970]

The biggest crime a narc commits against you is stolen valor.

[@JellyBeanInTheNight]

Disgust. Foolish. Anger.

[@f.frederickskitty2910]

The horror of realizing you are in any relationship with a narcissist is like being swallowed alive. Get. Out. At. All. Costs. Save yourself.

[@begonia6446]

The worst feeling is your feelings & thoughts have once again been apprehended intentionally with sensory overload! Shell shocked 😳

[@sherrymathson1220]

Exactly how I've felt..shell shocked..ty❤

[@darlinevictor]

Apprehended by sensory overload! THATS IT! Thank you...As a sound engineer I am floored by that analogy because we all know how easily and quickly overload blows up everything. Totally Fries everything! You made my day!

[@callalilly1988]

I was definitely used. He saw no need to reciprocate. He said as much. It's not a nice feeling but it comes from the truth. I would rather be hurt with the truth than be comforted with a lie. And when I chose to walk away because the relationship was corroding every part of my life, of course I was the bad guy. The one who failed him. I had been very vocal about what was wrong and how I felt. He genuinely didn't care.

[@LoveSource1111]

I felt so shocked that I had panic attacks burning through my chest down to my feet. Right after the discard, I couldn't sleep, eat, or listen to music. All I did was walk 40,000 steps a day while crying at the same time. I was isolated, scared and trapped at his sister's place while his whole family threaten me to go back to my family. I didn't want to go back to where I was living because he would kill me.

[@vasantipunchoo3699]

That s terribly distressing

[@surlif]

I am so sorry you had to experience that. The panic attacks that come with narc abuse is awful!!! Sending support from someone who has been there.

[@katewilliamson4464]

So sorry you experienced that. Hope you are safe now.

[@elderlypoodle9181]

Panic attacks are sure common within this community I’m finding out 😑❤️

[@evad9752]

I hope you listened to yourself and stayed away. These and other KZbin clips have given me such education and help in order not to recreate more trauma bonds.

[@sylvanascott1166]

Being friends with a Narcissist is very exhausting and stressful. Stay far away from them and take care of your health.

[@c.h.5389]

It's hard to listen to this. I know it intimately on deeply personal/ painful levels that I may not even be able to fully articulate because I've lived it. I know that all of life is about learning, and that everything that we go through is intended to make us stronger/ wiser. These have been costly, devastating, and exhausting lessons. It's been the worst part of my life.

[@kariymahmuhammad7957]

Mine, too, I feel you. Trying NO CONTACT

[@beakyisabella6652]

Everything you said and more. They chew you up and spit you out, along with all your broken dreams and feelings, until you have no idea who you are any more. They blame you for everything.

[@marihunt4314]

I can relate to everything you talked about in the video. The worst feeling I have after leaving the Narcissist is why did I stay so long?!

[@KB-sg7tv]

The way you describe everything is EXACTLY what happened to me. Wow. I couldn’t have even told my own story better. I spent 8 years with this guy, and finally got out and learned all this information. At the end, he blamed everything on me and tarnished my name. I can’t believe how I was used, and for such a long time. I wish I could get back the time, energy, and love that I gave to that person.

[@theforensicbadass]

You have the rest of your life to love yourself in order to quote get the love back that you deserve. There are beautiful people out here that support you and encourage you. That see your beauty and deservedness. ❤❤❤big hugs of love 2u❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@cyndigooch1162]

KB It's extremely sad and you probably know that it's important to grieve those losses, then the pain lessens as time goes on. I'm in my 60s now and have grieved a whole life so far of lost opportunities etc from dealing with many highly narcissistic individuals, including my parents and other family members, not to mention exes and so-called friends, who all basically used me. ❤

[@gurubhaikhalsa9337]

There's a Witness to all deeds. The Witness saw you both, and both will earn the fruits of their labors. Be glad you gave LOVE!!!!

[@rosieb471]

It was just a personality, not a person.

[@dgloss1951]

I'm exhausted and angry. Can't believe I did it again. And I don't mean a romantic relationship, just another user. Gotta break free!

[@morebirdsandroses]

Keep learning. It's the pits realizing the history but keep moving. 🌺🦋🌼

[@wayneelliott1180]

Each one we encounter makes us wiser and stronger. Don't be hard on yourself, it's a process. Their evil is not your fault.

[@minkyteku1100]

It's okay,you didn't know that you were dealing with a broken metal,until you feel that she is breaking you.I am battling to live him.I feel the exhaustion his causing ,it's terrible.But,I know my one day my heart won't take it anymore,and I will thank myself for leaving,😢,🇿🇦.

[@chayo4537]

@@minkyteku1100 how many times you gotta go thru the same sh*t voluntarily before you take accountability for being a fool

[@izawaniek2568]

I am not going to be anybody’s prop. I have been used and treated as an object. I am going to live according to what I think is wise and best so that I can find our place of peace. Dignity, respect and civility is what I stand for. Thank you for your immense help and support dr Carter. God bless you❤

[@surlif]

I don't know what I would do without this support! I lived with a highly trained military officer for nearly 5 decades. I am so not near well. I have walked back into a den of narcissists. Dear God, help us!!!!!!!!!

[@lorinapetranova2607]

Isn't the worst feeling called betrayal of heart, body, mind and soul? By the narcissist and to some extent I reckon we have to take some amount of personal responsibility. What was the initial response? I knew by the age of 6 I was being raised by someone I would never trust.... on any level. Many blessings for a more peaceful and compassionate world.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

🙏❤✌

[@angiespiva5304]

That was me, never trusted him again yet I let him come back, at the same time I was stronger and knew the game. The same things were happening yet quicker, I destroyed it and told him No. Now I’m the enemy and my name is being smeared for a cheat he did. Just never ends with them. ❤

[@tammyfitzgerald5336]

❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉🎉🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽💯💯💯💯💜💜💜🎯🎯🎯

[@Juke582]

USED or DUPED is the crux of the whole game where they had a weird motive of their own! It really sucks! Never let anyone USE you again team healthy! Be strong 💪🏻

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're on it, Mary!

[@Cod12Osc]

What is so frustrating is how they go out and live their lives like all is well in their world, displaying the good person, and many perceive him as good

[@bluemoon8268]

… it’s the deception and betrayal of trust …

[@dirtyhoefarms2024]

I have "nest" of family narcissists, no choice but to mingle with them at very limited times .... I feel I have to either be intensely "on-guard", waiting for the first verbal "knife" to be thrown at me or "come out swinging first" - like stepping into a boxing ring ... takes awhile to re-set my mind afterwards ... praying for all of us here dealing with the CRAP and bless Doc Les for making a tremendous effort to help us!!!!

[@emil5884]

Thank you, Dr. C. Still working on the peace - narcissists can inflict some quite long-lasting damage.

[@k.silberberg5137]

Feeling used, abused, lied to, angry, emotionally and financially exploited and destroyed, ignored, greatly confused, dissociated, socially isolated. Afraid. Sad. Full of grieve. Exhausted. Empty. Lost. What he could not take from me: self-consciousness, self-value, optimism. Cause I am a hero.

[@tracydanneo]

Played, used and totally disgusted with everyone (including myself); this is how narcissists make me feel.

[@AKUBARIKI]

I feel totally drained

[@kathleenbristol6747]

It's like suffocating,like you can't breathe,I do feel used

[@rycherulz]

The worst part about being used for me was not only the fact that I was used, it was the incredible amount of time it took me to discover I had been used (7 years in my case). The years of wasted time dealing with them. smh. Live and learn I guess.

[@dahliafiend]

Same around ten to have it completely confirmed. She’d been a liar since day one till today. She can enjoy her sham life. She knows what she’s done. She really does. At her age she is dead eyed behind every smile. Her two great loves killed themselves. I almost did too. She destroys people in proportion to how much they love her and are willing to give her another chance. In her fifties now those men are few.

[@esmelouise9046]

realizing that this is what THEY bring to the table and practicing radical acceptance are key to healing...it's not an individuals fault for being naive or an empath

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

True words, Esme Louise!

[@lenaduggan4697]

Yes, the regret knowing a large chuck of your life was wasted on a deception is very painful.

[@cameo_celeste]

The most devastating feeling after a 3 decade long relationship with a narcissist is realizing that you were in the relationship by yourself and that they never loved you to begin with. But, you’re right, I WAS used. Among other things, I believe I was his beard.

[@charleneremillard574]

As a psychotherapist who has dealt with this dynamic countless times, I have to say this perfectly captures what separates these relationships from healthy dynamics that can manage differences.

[@Smile-kg7vb]

Dr. Can you tell us that a narcissist KNOWS he/she is using people only for their gains? I meant they are not innocent at all.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes, they believe they deserve the favored position.

[@debraclanton2414]

I have been trying to make sense of my toxic marriage for 3 years. This explanation hits the nail on the head. I have moved to acceptance and now understand that I only work for him. I am actively moving forward. Its very unfortunate, but Ive learned a lot through this experience. I feel sorry for him. He lost a lot when he pushed me away.

[@Laura_G]

Is narcissistic personality disorder considered a form of mental illness? In the last four years I worked under a person who treated me EXACTLY as described in this video. It was a horrible situation, especially as I'd been happily employed at that job for a decade before the crazy narcissist stepped into the picture. Six weeks ago I finally left that job for my own mental health and am still adjusting. It was a huge loss in many ways. However the daily torment, the lies and gaslighting etc was too much to bear. It got so bad I literally vomited on the way to work knowing I had to deal with that person. These instructional videos are helping me to understand what happened.

[@andy.hello.6602]

If they're in your head berating you while they arent there...thats a sign.

[@deucetreshay]

This is really helping me with walking away from a narcissist. I definitely have told the person I feel used, and nothing I say is understood. your videos help me to see it's NOT ME, and there is light at the end of tunnel.

[@troywindle8308]

Just spent 4 years with a toxic Narcissists partner, she suddenly left, took all her shit and left after she took over my house and filled it with her crap, she was very controlling and negative towards everyone and would not be able to control herself at home and in public, at 53 she couldn't get her life sorted out

[@growingonthegriddle4945]

I did lose myself, then, 18 seizures later and a year of recovery then I got covid that lasted a month. However, thankful to covid because after a really bad coughing fit it felt like my brain worked a bit better. I began to see his behavior and I finally called him on it. I'm not crazy!! We are now in separate rooms for good until I can get out. He has quit talking to me, he doesn't eat here, and never engages or asks anyone anything. I'm ok with it now. He wants to be miserable, I finally realize that I can't help him. He will no longer make me the reason he chooses to be unhappy. I am in therapy and have gotten a part time job. It's a start...

[@brendarewan7441]

Keep moving forward!! 😊🌺

[@cyndigooch1162]

Growing on the Griddle Good on you and you're obviously a strong person to have survived everything you've been through! ❤

[@gurubhaikhalsa9337]

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!😊

[@sherrymathson1220]

Good for you! ❤

[@marierose6792]

I have observed that this intention of duping others is a life long pattern in the person and it can be seen with stories that they tell and observe right through their lives. My X husband of 44 years had a life time of expressing a grandiose superiority when he conned others. He thought that it made him smarter. Think of what goes through a 6 year old's decision making when he figures out, that he could skip going to school and write a printed note for the teacher , writing, " Johny was not at school because he was sick, signed " Daddy". True story. The rest of his life was filled with schemes to get one over and manipulate others and tell about it, proudly. It was never about us, dear folks. A scoundrel will be a scoundrel.

[@notagain779]

@ Marie Rose Ha-ha! Your story reminds me of my brother, who at age 12, would say to our dear, unsuspecting mother, "I need a dollar for lunch today, in addition to the sandwiches you packed me, because I'm just GROWING LIKE A WEED, and I'm always so hungry!" He needed the dollar for cigarettes. She never caught on!

[@robbrewer2036]

Petulant six year old you got it.

[@Ma-Says]

I'm 3 months into learning and understanding the truth of what I'm dealing with in a partner of over 20 years. Your videos have given me so much education and helped me slowly take my power back. Now I can look at the patterns, and they are shockingly predictable patterns, and see them for what they are. I know they love me in the way they can but now I can finally understand why they are able to use me and treat me the way they have. My religious southern upbringing prepared me to be used and I'm sorting through all of that too. There are times I feel sad and angry about my situation but I've been slowing down, thinking before I respond, protecting my boundaries, and giving myself space. All that has really helped along with educating myself and getting rid of my rose-colored glasses. It's not fun but there is freedom and peace in it. Best of all now I know IT'S NOT ME! Freedom!

[@marijamitrovic723]

0mmmmmomkkmommmm m mm m m m moo9

[@davidyardley512]

They don't love, they're incapable of it. They have only ever loved your supply, what you can give them.

[@danahaas6424]

Revelation 4 months ago in a 40 year marriage for me! He is 13 years older than I and 76 with health problems. Can't leave him now. (I can get away for short periods of time). I also have my 83 year old lovely mother living with us. I feel trapped, but freed to know that I now have agency because of knowledge. Praying that God will give me wisdom to know how to live in and speak truth. I am a loved and valued and cherished child of God. That is a position that can never be taken by anyone.

[@suzannetidei9450]

It feels less like a relationship and more like an intimidationship, a dominationship, or a manipulationship.

[@diane2413]

The hardest thing was knowing I would not treat a stranger as badly as the narcissistic people I was around treated me. I remember asking the narcissist to pretend I was a stranger he met on the street or at the store thinking it would produce a better result even for just 5 minutes time 😅

[@realhealing7802]

I was completely used! No contact was my only option.

[@cheryltainsh1143]

They will smear you , bread crumb , use their flying monkeys and try anything to keep you as a victim, but if you truly go no contact they can't victimize you anymore . Don't wait or wish for change, that's never going to happen . Just get on the bus Gus , make a new plan Stan !

[@alonzomosley7]

When I first engaged with the narc ,I bent over backwards to help him.He had me running around doing chores for him .I started to realise he did nothing for me at all .I started to pull back he was furious ,next the abuse because I was out giving supply .Everything is about them ,you are not important at all.

[@mariannebaldetti2276]

SPOT ON!….And the narcissist will blame everything on YOU.

[@Barb-iu3el]

I was used, wrung out to the last drop, and hung out to dry. I've been through the gamut of emotions, ending with deep anger. I'm not sure I can ever sort through all the damage

[@daviderickennedy2194]

Exploited... I love this because it basically sums up everything you need to know, you are just being (or were being) used!

[@debbieorta279]

Gaslighting, malignant indifference, condescension, emotional cruelty, character assault, cheating. There is no way to reason with such a person. The only thing you can do is save yourself. Cut your losses. Leave.

[@patriciamacnichol5061]

Hi Dr. Carter, Thank you. I agree that it is the worst feeling. It brings up so many other emotions as well. Thank you for explaining this in a way that helps us retain our dignity because it can feel pretty humiliating at times. If some have neglected their Faith, as I had for decades, please lean on it again. Surrendering to the Lord, and giving it all to him, will set you free. The Lord brought me to you, Dr. Carter, no question about it. It must feel incredible to know that you are fulfilling your purpose and helping countless people get through what is undoubtedly the worst time of their lives. God Bless You and everyone in this community.

[@psiinc]

💜🙏🏽❤️

[@gurubhaikhalsa9337]

Beautifully put! Yes, thank you for all your support, wisdom, and genuine caring Doc ❤

[@danahaas6424]

My faith has been the only thing that has sustained me over these 40 years. Also raised by Narc father. Sigh.

[@elderlypoodle9181]

Excellent info. My mother once left our sons 10th birthday party shaking with anger. She claimed I left her in the corner to fend for herself. I asked why she didn’t talk to the others there. I was accused of making our son’s birthday all about me.

[@hannahrosa5485]

YEP. My husband, 8 years older that I was only wanted me to be there to do everything but most especially to be there when he was dying. BUT, in hospice for 12 weeks he realized he didn't need me after all so he refused to speak to me even tho I was with him every day.

[@donnawilliamsdonna]

This. This explains it better than anything I’ve EVER read, watched, or listened to. Scary how accurate.

[@deawallace3584]

Dr. Les: Thanks for saying it was a complement we were used/being used. We need constant reminders that, if we were not wonderful people, the narcs would not target us and try to use us up. Let us all stick together to smother the spread of narcissism, heal from the wounds, and forgive our own vulnerability to have willingly allowed it all.

[@nb5842]

Beautiful words to describe a positive way to look at being used. I was used by my very sick father and now I see how his behavior effected my mother as she was abused as well. I woke up at 60 when he started the same treatment on my 28 year old son. At that point I had enough and walked away. This event made me open my eyes and understand who he is. Almost 1.5 years no contact has been stressful but I am finally feeling like my old self.

[@BirchWitch]

I was thinking the same thing, made me feel much better about myself. I am a great person who is overly generous, and I need to give that to myself instead of trying to please everyone else.

[@louiseelliott6404]

I was used and played. Lost myself completely. Light bulb moment came and I positively ghosted and went no contact with the narcissist almost 3 weeks ago. I was financially abused by the narcissist. I have a lot of healing to do. I’m not going to be anyone else’s prop ever again. So much pain with the trauma bond that’s been developed over just under 3 years. I am an empath and people pleaser who is now determined to heal and become bulletproof. Thank you so much for the videos.

[@sweetfightsboxing4380]

It is difficult. You are now free to give your love to those that value you as the prize you are. Be free!

[@louiseelliott6404]

@@sweetfightsboxing4380 thank you for your kind words

[@Elsje2848]

I always framed it after years of dealing with my stepmother, always hoping each time she was nice, that somehow she had changed - a black widow spider who caught others in her charming net and dropped them after sucking them dry. Even her children. I tried for years to figure it out with therapy and studying psychology. The staff at the nursing home where she died, alone, told me what a sweet person she was - I guess she finally got a lot of narcissistic supply there. I couldn’t believe they were talking about the same person. But I know she was terribly wounded as a child. So simple to think of her in terms of I was used. Thank you.

[@jackdaniel9571]

This video is incredibly accurate! I have been with a narcissist for far too long, and I am well past the point of letting go, unfortunately there are family entanglements.

[@nancytwigg4631]

I've already watched this video twice! It is such good therapy to reflect on Dr. C's words of wisdom. Moving on after being discarded is the hardest thing I've ever done. Working through every video from Dr. C. has helped me so. This knowledge is power! Thanks for sharing your knowledge strength with us, Dr. C.

[@ladm4967]

After giving 40 years of my life to my ex-narc, I only wish I had found your videos, Dr. C. My ex husband slowly and deliberately pushed away everyone in his family and then mine. However, his incredibly painful childhood matches all of the descriptions you have provided. Because of his past, he had a truly distorted, distrustful and antagonistic view of women. But I didn’t realized that until 30+ years later when I learned and observed a lot more. we had 2 beautiful children, but his very combative relationship with our daughter over the years came to a head when they had a terrible confrontation after she was married and pregnant. He and I are separated now because i had the “audacity” to visit our daughter (out of state) while she was pregnant in spite of his threats of divorce if I “sided” with her. I loved him with all my heart and realized (after therapy and watching your videos) that I could never fill the “hole in his heart” from his past. I thought (foolishly) that I could. I watch your videos almost daily and have learned so much that I wish I had known before. Thank you, Dr. C, for caring so much for all of us.

[@McgarickWAstate]

Im a 56 yo male, divorced now for 4 months. BUT,we still live in the same home because its paid for, and we cant afford rent these days, its to high..I had a 30 year run with my wife and I saw all the junk this Dr. talks about. but it was all a collage. This Dr. and others on YT took those pieces and created a map and a painting that makes sense. I feel like a fool. and Im pretty angry. I believe in God and he will see me though this valley too. UGH though..

[@gurubhaikhalsa9337]

​@@McgarickWAstate I'll pray for you to be able to physically separate from your abuser.❤️

[@McgarickWAstate]

@@gurubhaikhalsa9337 Thank you friend. I NEED THE PRAYERS!! Challenges my walk to the MAX.. God Bless..

[@mre9208]

At the time of the break up I had been gaslit so heavily that I thought it was my fault. 🙂 It was only quite a while later that I realised I had been used. (This is what makes the process of separation when children are involved so difficult). Thankfully, in hindsight, there were individuals that could see what was going on.

[@rwdchannel2901]

My parents divorced when I was 15 and I moved in with my covert narcissistic father. He used me as a pawn to get back into my mother's life. When I was 18 I moved out of his house. I needed a place to stay for about 3 years around 2007-2010 so I moved in with my father thinking we were on good terms. I was wrong. He didn't need me anymore and was very demeaning towards me. I was much worse of mentally after I moved out of his house. It took me years to recover from his mental and physical abuse. He was sleep depriving me where I only got 2-4 hours of sleep a night for years.

[@logofatuclaudiu1925]

So true! I’ve rebuild my ex partner. After I’ve solved all hers problems (legal issues), managed to get her an apartment, she dumped me like a piece of shit and guess what, i’m the problem and she judged me and my parents and for her we are all dead. So true, thank you Dr. C!!! 🤗

[@grantaugustyniak6667]

I used to feel totally drained BUT not anymore. As I have aged - my priorities are more focused & stronger now. I now take the cue to stop all the nonsense from the start. Much, much happier now - ya know with Narcs it’s always win or lose game - maybe it is ? I feel like I win more now then ever !

[@benjaminmcclain2936]

Dr. C is the man! He's helped me tremendously identify the motives of a narcissist co-worker. The signs were there that something was off, but once I stumbled upon Dr. C's KZbin channel, it all made sense, and I began to get a lot of answers that I otherwise wouldn't get. I can confirm that the feeling of being duped does remain after the relationship has run it's course. As much as you want to put the narcissist in their place & get even, the best thing to do is get away, and put as much space between you & the narcissist. Don't be their supply anymore.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Benjamin. Use your emotions as motivation to pursue the better alternative. You're why I do these videos! Aspire to be inspiring!

[@judythorsgaard4388]

One of my proudest moments was when I told my ex that I felt like he was just using me for sex, and his answer was... "No- you're lovely, and intelligent, and... umm... clean" to which I said "let me help you" and rapid-fire listed off about 10 things that actually matter.

[@delenafranckenberg9639]

Yip, I can relate to your comment of having been used for sex, amongst other things. Good luck to the rest of his harem, the same will happen to them!

[@denicehaley9902]

Judy Thorsgaard, I used to tell my narcissist I was his sex slave-amongst other things. I stopped having sex years ago, and boy, has that narcissistic rage emerged! Thanks for posting since I asked last week if Dr. C has addressed being used sexually by the narcissist.

[@angiemartin1598]

One thing that struck me that my narcissist said... I asked why he so easily walked away from the life and house he built with his ex to be chronically jobless and homeless. He said, "I figured it would be easy to do all over again with someone else." The narcissist claims they built the former life with someone when really all they do is find someone that does all the work. Since they didn't put in any effort, of course it is simple for them to walk away.

[@stephl.r.6721]

I left after 28 years, 3 months later he died, no one know how. It took me 12 years to take off the mental, emotional, and verbal abuse layer by layer, in all the while, my adult son and daughter blame me for what they "will suffer the rest of their lives." We no longer speak...I keep healing, Thank God. Dad's gone and he is remembered the way they made him in their minds. It has nothing to do with me now. Peace is so wonderful today.

[@jeaniephillips4682]

My sibling is a therapist who will not counsel narcs...they are NOT fixable!

[@patrickjames8260]

In the last 3 months I have lost my mother from Cancer unexpectedly and the month after my Wife came home and began gaslighting me for what I couldnt understand what I had done, she left, took my two step children and I havnt seen them since, I found out that away from me she had created this entire narrative with our friends and family and my kids who I raised from the time they were 7 and 4 for 12 years and completely left me alone over night, she would stay with me for 2 nignts out of the week of and on never letting the kids come around and giving me false hope of coming back until I had given every resource I had then would leave me again for days. I started believing all the things she was saying about me and it has taken a serious toll on me to where I feel as if I was erased from reality all together. I have never felt more confused and lost and abandoned in my life, I havnt been able to find my way through this to where I lost my job, i dont sleep, i dont eat, I dont smile at all, I feel very hopeless, and everything I have been hearing in these videos is describing my entire experience which really heated up as far as the abuse and invalidating more in the last 3 years, I have become indecisive with even the smallest decisions im life, before this relationship I was in the car business for 25 years very positive very aware of my self worth and outspoken, now I dont even want to be seen in public and this separation from my family and friends feels as if it kills me every day I wake up and the tears wont stop the pain will not subside, Im afraid I dont see anyway out of this. Everyday its something else new I find out has been said about me, a month ago I started to stand up and got a job and the one rule they had was no drama, she showed up at my job on day 2 while i was at lunch and was crying on the showroom saying tell me my wife is looking for me after I hadnt heard or seen her or my kids on christmas new years thanks giving nothing since october and I came back and they released me. I need help, Im afraid Im running out of fight left in me.

[@wandah9468]

Bottom line. How did you get along with the kids? Never mind the smear campaign, although I dont discount your pain in any way. You're finding out who your friends are, and the monkeys are flying!! The kids are all that matters, cut out the rest of the dead wood. Damn how did the woman find out where you work? Nobody can take away your skills, but it's clear you need to not let anyone know where you work. I just mind my own business, stay away from the haters when possible and eventually they just sound like a broken record and people get tired of hearing it. Good luck honey, they're fools ok? Go live your best life, one day the kids will come around, like after they move out. I've been there, too!

[@Hatbox948]

Try to pull yourself together. When you find a new job, don't tell the ex where it is. Those kids are old enough to have their own lives now. Just let go.

[@rodmorrison6644]

"I was used" can conjure up many negative emotional feelings. One of the best feelings after being with a narcissist, is hearing a heart felt apology. Owning up to a wrong with no blame shifting...

[@BirchWitch]

Good luck with that, one thing a narcissist can’t do is apologize.

[@rodmorrison6644]

@@BirchWitch oh that is for sure, but once ya get into a healthy relationship, hearing an apology is refreshing. 🙂

[@BirchWitch]

@@rodmorrison6644 Indeed it is!! 😉

[@charmee4045]

Thanks Dr. Les for articulating the way I feel, used, I had never thought about it like that. Awful thing to do to another human being. Felt like a piece of human garbage. Discarded. Two years out and after listening to all of your wisdom healed. Thank you so much. I never let the narcissist get to me, in 5 years I never let my dignity leave me. I held onto it under unbearable circumstances sometimes. Terrifying experience. Never again. Focusing on grandchildren, no more relationships for me. Too many messed up people after 65.

[@Lemana28021989]

Honestly, I was scared. He is absolutely unpredictable. I came to terms with what happened quite quickly. I knew, I was being used, that's why I got out. The hardesr thing to go through was to get back to the believe that life is good, will gez better and I am allowed to be happy, have fun and make eye contact without feeling guilty or having to think about how normal everyday life actions can be "justified" to avoid his rage. Healing was my biggest flex after I escaped. It still is, in fact, as no contact sadly isn't possible due to the little one...

[@joannalopez5447]

I said this past weekend, "All you did was use me for your liking" It's very disgusting! I never signed up for this i dealt with all the bullshit.

[@janthepooh]

I continue to feel used. My relationship ended with the narcissist but due to my physical situation (I’ve had numerous surgeries the past few years that has left me basically homebound.) He comes over daily and helps me with things I can’t do but there is always a cost. I am 57 years old with really no family support. I have no children. It is exhausting.I need his help but emotionally can’t afford the cost.

[@deliavillarreal-webb3211]

If has been an unbelievable never could foresee nightmare.

[@rosieE121]

All of the above. Very hurtful. Was confused by so much projection. An education on what half the world's people are like? Rediscovering self at last is fantastically rewarding.

[@KellsSmith1244]

I took an online quiz asking if you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship. It was one of those dumb fb quizzes, like what color is your aura, what’s your unicorn name.. they always start with “Let’s Play!” One was ‘Are You in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship?’ Let’s Play! I took a screenshot because it was ironic and a funny juxtaposition. It nagged me for days so I went back and took the quiz. I answered them all yes, and I thought, “Oh my God,I’m one of those women in an abusive relationship who didn’t even know it.” I felt so stupid. He died from cancer within months of my discovery and so that ended that but I am going to therapy to prevent this from happening again. P.S. I had a knot in my stomach for over two years after getting married and the day after he died in our third year that knot went away.

[@sharonbrown927]

We don't even know who or what they are doing until it's too late! If you stay in this you become a empty shell of yourself..the hardest thing that I have been through still trying to pick up the broken peace's of myself...no words expressing how much that they want to destroy you!

[@roblu9005]

"Well, I'll go along with you, as long as it suits me and is wisest and best, but I'm nobody's prop." Ironically, sounds like the words of a narcissist, but they are those of an awakened individual from within the claws of a narcissistic relationship. If you cannot exit the relationship, you may have to play ball to stay afloat, fight fire with fire through Dignity, Respect and Civility; pretend to take the pill in your mouth they serve - or not! But definitely, do not swallow it. Always hold on to who you are, but if you've lost it, please reach out to a trusted friend, confide, or seek professional help. Log what makes you unhappy. Keep your records so you know the facts; these will be pivotal when reality is ultimately blurred, gas lit around you. Turn your affected energy into a productive source. Lean on your faith. Trust that what you have is a test you can pass when your time comes. My heart goes out to you all. Take care.

[@gregoryritchie7852]

I've confused giving selflessly to others (good) with being used (bad). Unfortunately, "you're being selfish, lazy", guilt-tripping me has worked.

[@jeankipper6954]

Used to!

[@joywebster2678]

Yes learning boundaries help with this. So we can help those who benefit, and avoid those who abuse.

[@gregoryritchie7852]

@@joywebster2678 - Thank you for that comment.

[@hind0173]

It's been a month now after i was discarded from a 4 month old marriage. The discard phase for me started shortly after we got married and i couldn't explain my confusion. I couldn't understand what was happening. I went through the entire discard phase within a short time and i could not just believe it. I knew i was not the problem but i couldn't just put my finger on what it was until i came across this channel. Thanks a lot for helping me understand what happened and that i am not alone. I am no were close to being heald but i will get there some day in sha'Allah.