How To Read A Narcissist's Hatred

[@Miznik97257]

It’s such a crazy thing to be hated by someone for what THEY did to you.

[@elfnanoha7454]

Exactly

[@HunterPaulson-b2h]

They will never admit guilt

[@seoverus7805]

Begged for counselling from life changing, devastating experience event that was done by other party to myself, was told I needed the counselling, darkness eventually evolved into disrespect, gaslighting, blame shift and moral decay grew over time to pure hatred towards me. 2025 is a brand new start, thank you for your healing insights, incredible video, especially from 9 mins in - I affirm and trust God..

[@scarletibis3158]

Oh boy. It sure is.

[@tishaturner8079]

I know!! That's crazy!!!

[@BaraSchmidt]

THEIR deepest hatred is of themselves. WE didn't cause it. WE cannot control it. And WE cannot cure it. We can know this and... ... Stay Healthy!!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

🎯 spot on ❤

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So accurate, Bara.

[@advancedbasicsAB]

Brilliant.

[@GSkunk4EFAFO]

Then why do they target one person?

[@BaraSchmidt]

@@GSkunk4EFAFO An individual who has a narcissistic personality style doesn't only target one person, although it sure can feel that way when you are one of their targets. They seek supply which is whatever they can "get" from us which helps support their internal view, chaotic as it is. For example, they may feel shame, so the project shame onto you. But they seek supply everywhere, from wherever they can obtain it. Our reactions are what they need to keep their false self running. Hope this helps.

[@carolynnmarkiewicz6015]

I have never met anyone as hateful or cruel. It is beyond my comprehension. Thankfully Our Lord is my shield.

[@f.frederickskitty2910]

Let's hope yours and mine never meet then because until I read your comment I was convinced mine was absolutely the most hateful person in existence. I have a feeling that together they could do some real damage my friend. Be well and stay healthy.

[@em1s301]

It's the perceived slights that invoke sneaky damage to your property that gets me. When I wrong him my car gets scratched wipers sliced, sly little things. Because I won't give the satisfaction of a reaction, it's repeated. Hate can stick to you like glue.

[@yukio_saito]

They project their inner hatred onto you. 📽

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Absolutely 💯

[@cassiebennet4262]

They will never stop.

[@Misskitty15]

​@@Pamela-k5uEXACTLY 💯!

[@Jenifer_G]

Exactly

[@lesliestenta3084]

Exactly when I connected the dots of my former friend of 40 years. Wait what you are saying to me is YOU not me.

[@SuntoryPop927]

Most of their hatred is envy based. Whatever you have that they can’t take, benefit from etc they hate. They are so entitled that they actually think you deserve nothing and they deserve everything. Whatever is yours is actually theirs in their sick minds. Additionally, should you have earned something on your own accord, without their involvement, they hate you even more; as they cannot get over the fact that THEY were not the one responsible for your accomplishments. This is especially true once you go no contact, as they can’t really make up believable lies anymore that ‘they were the reason’ for your accomplishments.

[@nancylang4294]

My ex narc husband essentially told me to unalive myself on Christmas Eve because I said no.

[@beachybird1251]

​@@nancylang4294Yikes! There is a good reason he is the Ex.❤

[@michelepascoe6068]

Even your children are "theirs" if they want them 😢

[@celiapryce2688]

💯 true

[@psalm1197]

Yes they suffer terribly from Chip-on-the-Shoulderitis”.

[@mauimarianne]

So sad and debilitating when it is your own mother.

[@Gino-i7f]

Yes it is very sadd that the devil has full control over your own mother yes this is so true??? And it makes you look at life like wow how worst can life be wend its your own mother yes very true BUT SADD???

[@leannehorn1737]

@@mauimarianne or sister.

[@VisibleTimes]

Or dad

[@nonaeubinis4934]

Now her hateful voice lives inside me.😢

[@allykatharvey]

Oh yes! I know! Just hold on to your own gentle, loving soul and seek those who love you.

[@electricLuLuland]

Ive found they hate me when they realize I see them.

[@Misskitty15]

I think they hate us BEFORE we expose them too. I think maybe they are envious that we are able to care & love??? They killed Jesus out of envy. Envy is terrible!! What do you think?

[@sharonbowers9929]

Bingo

[@ceelee126]

100%

[@kurtm6345]

That's so true! It's as if they can sense that you can see through them. Then you're a threat that must be eliminated at all cost.

[@suraya1224]

1 of my relatives despises me bcs I've told her I see through her manipulation, control, lies, projection, fake mask, & lack of self-awareness.

[@saratemp790]

Yeah that was one thing I could never get. The amount of time they spend on causing you stress and pain is mind blowing.

[@nicolefiocco4516]

They would much rather spend their time that way instead of working on themselves or their flaws.

[@nancyrukavena6992]

I think narcissists really ARE committed to hatred. I have people in my life I don't particularly like, but I am still civil if I have to be around them. I don't call them, or go to their houses to tell them how much they suck. If I MUST confront them, I stick to the topic at hand. Narcissists will call you or go to your house for the sole purpose of picking a fight. If they start off on one topic, it ends with fifty other things that are "wrong" with you. If you write them off, they insist YOU are the hateful, vengeful one! No contact is the only way to go with these people.

[@RonnyAndersson-q9b]

Some spend 50 years. It's like a day never went by.

[@innovativesecure]

Or the amount of time they spend on telling you how much stress and pain YOU are causing THEM.

[@melissaroth4467]

This is one to watch over and over again when you feel defeated.

[@seoverus7805]

And when your love for the other comes to the surface based on a happy memory, those best times disturb the peace of healthy separation and the healing path.

[@deborahmackinnon5190]

I have dealt with a narcissist daughter law for almost 20 years … I put up the gaslighting , the nasty comments to have a relationship with my grandchildren, they are almost grown now . I have had clinical depression from the stress of it all . She was totally miserable … I decided I had enough this past August and have gone no contact … it has been a hard 20 years … you will never win with this person … I have no interest in winning … I just want peace in my life …. I’m working on this now . I’m DONE …..

[@coreenjordaan6294]

Have twins with the problem. They hate me, they are constantly belittling me, I am the cause of all their problems, even though they are 43 years old.

[@marymorris6897]

Deborah, I'm sorry you had to deal with this. I hope your grandchildren can look beyond their mother's nastiness and see you as the wonderful person you are.

[@KactusKM]

At 70 years old I finally went no contact with my mother whose core was self hatred and my job was to parent and protect her since I was born. She resented my life because she didn’t want kids but she bore me and by god, I better be good for something. As she aged her hatred emerged with full control and her social masks were no longer necessary. She never had the ability to love and she and her family (mother and sister) had serious faulty thinking and philosophies, gaslighting, and have been predators, accusing my husband and I who have housed and subsidized her for 30 years since my dad died. Independent caregivers now can see “she thinks she is above the law”. If I had died first with illness or stress, she would have won. 70 ( after some 15 years of therapy) is still not too late to be my authentic self and move forward in my life with love inside. I am grateful to be in this place inside now. It has been a process and will continue to be but will be for my heart and soul and my love/marriage of 39 years. ❤ we can release and heal!

[@paulinetayen9559]

Hi Deborah, I’m sorry you had to go through this. I believe you. I hope you are doing well. I retired and moved into a big home with my daughter and son in law. For 6 months, it’s been hard living here. My son in law is a narcissist with demonic influences. I am praying for my daughter to open her eyes. I am purchasing a place because I can’t stay here. Do they ever change?

[@lastthingsministry]

​@@paulinetayen9559no they never change and they either slip into psychopathy or dementia in old age. I believe God can change them but they would have to want to change. Most don't because they believe the narcissism makes them more powerful due to the distorted thinking. Like with any kind of addict (they are supply addicts) the kindest thing is to not stop them from hitting rock bottom. Withdraw your supply from them so they are forced to go through cold turkey and then decomposition. It is their only hope.

[@sandrawamerdam2219]

Hatred is contempt. Festering hatred is poisonous.

[@aaronkwolfe]

Be willing to bet their hatred is an expression of their frustration that something isn’t going their way.

[@snowbear1877]

Spot on, Aaron.

[@truthandreality4650]

It's self-hatred from childhood that they project onto others.

[@paulaballetdancer4432]

They are constantly saying help me, help me, help me in the most bizarre way

[@brandymcnary7483]

This is the absolute truth!

[@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753]

It's not that simple

[@RM-sj5lp]

No contact has brought peace and happiness i wish I'd have brought on sooner

[@deidrekirkman5270]

When I realized their hatred and behavior has more to do with them than me, I was set free. Thank you, Dr. C, for your dedication to helping us reclaim our lives. 🤗

[@lindsayschilling8707]

Yes! Dr. C is wonderful; he has also helped me. ❤

[@Goomba33]

Whats actually helped me not hate back is praying for the narcissist and understanding the immense torture they are under that causes them to outwardly hurt those so close to them. Pity them and you will no longer hate them. Hate is a very dangerous virus you DON'T want to catch

[@SandyWamble]

Amen and thank you for posting that. I find it difficult when my neighbor became my friend and I thought she was so pure and true and she has abandoned me so many times and now I’m just learning about narcissism and it’s difficult to set boundaries because I do love her as a friend so much but I have to keep in mind that she is very ill and at the same time God says forgive them for they know not what they do, but I’m thinking they do know what they do and I don’t want to walk into the Lions den and get caught back up and being tortured more and more. It is so difficult. We have to keep praying!keep pressing on keep pressing through and know that God has everything in control and he is the one to make the way and open up the path in her life and she is seeking God, but she use the scriptures against me and now I’m a pagan because I have Christmas lights and it just doesn’t stop her meanness and her judgment and her ugliness but whoa once in the blue moon she will try to engage an actual happy. I don’t know if she’s on something or what but I find out there’s a resource that she needs from me for her dog or something stupid I’m sure. Thank you so much.

[@susiefoxy8130]

I told mine that he treats the people who he should love/respect/care for the most like shit. His wife, his children and grandchildren are all treated appallingly, they all come a poor second to his wants and needs, they always have done and always will. He cannot see it!

[@MaryAnnSchons]

@@Goomba33 Amen! Praying for them brings healing towards my soul.

[@ruthparks5120]

👏 ✌️ 👏 🎉❤perfect 👏 👏

[@mtease9247]

I don’t hate them. I wish they could heal and change. But I do hate what this terrible personality disorder does to all family members, but especially their spouse.

[@cindy-x9x]

Their hatred is their way of fighting you. They're extremely immature. In some cases treat them as you would a toddler. Not to put up with it in your presence.

[@Misskitty15]

Cindy, ABSOLUTELY! That's what it reminds me of, a Toddler!

[@susiefoxy8130]

I’m not treating a grown ass man as a toddler, even if he behaves like one!

[@sherrymurphy855]

They are NOT toddlers - they are dangerous people.

[@Eloquently_Rud3]

I actually resorted to treating my narc ex like a toddler. He acted like one, I treated him like one🤷🏾‍♀️

[@sherrymurphy855]

@@cindy-x9x the problem IS ... they are not toddlers.

[@CD-om8iq]

I am forever grateful to God for sending me the sweetest, kindest, most loving and passionate husband just when I needed him. My husband of 46 years helped me to heal from my abusive father and narcissistic mother. I was the scapegoat and at 19 my mom wanted to remarry and told me to move out on my own as there was no space for me with her new family. I met my husband at age 21 and we were married after only 3 months but I could tell he was special!! His parents and brother were so loving and adopted me quickly into their hearts. We have 2 grown children with whom we have amazing loving relationships, 3 grandchildren, and I thank God every day for these blessings!!

[@Delacari]

Wow! What a blessing.

[@marymorris6897]

I'm so happy for you. BTW, your husband and his family are lucky to have you, too.

[@ruthparks5120]

❤🎉😊 What a beautiful story!🎉❤😊 Thank you for sharing.

[@CF-tp6sb]

The only thing as comforting about your videos as your empathy and knowledge is Gus curled up on that couch 🥰

[@nikkiwilder660]

Gus needs his own channel! I'd watch that, too. He can just snore, that's enough. 😆

[@CF-tp6sb]

@ Agreed 🤗

[@ryancox5097]

Good call. He just looks so pettable. Lol.

[@CF-tp6sb]

@ Doesn’t he? I just want to curl up with him he’s so soft and peaceful ☺️

[@Ken_Root]

The antidote to gaslighting is gus-lighting.

[@vanessamadrid2330]

I always felt an intense, deep anger coming off of him as the mask slipped more and more. It's really hard for a normal person to comprehend.

[@warrenbrowne9648]

WALK AWAY AND FILL YOUR LIFE WITH LOVE FOR YOURSELF AND THOSE WHO DESERVE IT MORE . NO DRAMAS NO LOOKING BACK ❤

[@lululiga333]

@@warrenbrowne9648 So much easier said than done when it’s your own kid 😢

[@sharonchristian8508]

I learned from a Billy Graham sermon when I was still in grade school that I can't unscramble eggs. It is still true today. I often confess to Jesus that I can't straghten out messes in this life. I ask Him to do for people that which I am unable to do. I thank Jesus for hearing and answering my prayer. Maranatha

[@michelepascoe6068]

Amen. And we can't rescue anyone else from their darkness. We can love them from a distance.

[@sharonchristian8508]

@michelepascoe6068 Yes forgiveness does not require closeness or continued interaction

[@sandybowman7140]

​@@sharonchristian8508Spot on ... we can forgive someone who's dead, but restoration requires trust, working at diplomacy which starts with the belief that mutuality is a contribution from both people involved. I'm against that "forgive & forget" mindset bc that just buries the hurt and damage - when healing can only come with people taking responsibility for their actions. I love the scrambled eggs illustration! ❤

[@TruthsHandmaid4444]

Great points :) Thanks everyone for sharing -

[@ginadean5696]

Billy Graham preaching wisdom, which in layman’s terms is what we also call co-dependency. Thanks for sharing.

[@julieb750]

Parental alienation, turning friends and other family members against me and all other possible categories of abuse. He is a contemptuous, hateful, vengeful individual. I refuse to ever be on his level. That would not be a pleasant existence. Despite all of the loss and pain, I refuse to ever pattern my behaviors after him and respond in kind. I wouldn’t be able to stand myself.

[@beachybird1251]

Well said.😊

[@nutrigorgeous2736]

We're truly in a dysfunctional world. 🌎

[@Bobbymac28]

🤡🌍

[@suryanarayan848]

true.....

[@earthelucidator]

No ones God fearing. Period

[@markcain9380]

That's true. I refuse to not try to do good. This world will not change the fact that I truly believe I'm here to make a positive difference in so ones life for the better.

[@LOVEISTRUTH300]

​@@markcain9380sending LOVE to you💖💖💖

[@DogChowGurl]

Five years after going no contact, I am beginning to enjoy Christmas again. The excessive gifts, love bombing, manipulation, meaness, grandiosity, social performance assesment, clothing competition/criticism, hygiene inspection, perfectionism projection, shopping marathon, Trivial Pursuit "games", table setting competition, longing for slavery to be reinstated, how I am the hero of my narrative narratives, are NO MORE. Merry Christmas!!

[@lindsayschilling8707]

And, a fabulous Merry Christmas to you. Yes, we can now cherish our freedom, independence, and love for ourselves and others. ❤

[@peonypink9149]

I hope Christmas was fantastic for you. I’m 17 years in with no contact towards a sibling. The day I did it was the first day of leave in my life. 17 years on I’ve never regretted it and that is through other difficult things like the death of my husband and raising my little ones in my own but nothing would convince me to reconnect with my sibling. My children and myself are well and so much better than we would be if we were feeding off their appalling behaviour.

[@michaelturner8420]

Everything they say people are doing to them,their doing it to people it's called projection

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

My narc dad shamed me when I was 12 1/2 for having boundaries, while ignoring them, he still ignores my boundaries. I am 61 and don't live with him. I'm done with Dad!

[@jpatterson829]

It's so difficult to disconnect from a person that is multiplicating my grandchildren and children, it's a struggle everyday.

[@americafirst1282]

After 40 years I walked out on a daughter that literally destroyed me

[@hanichay1163]

It. Is. So. Hard when your own child suddenly decides they hate you for no good reason. I never imagined it happening to me. We had a big happy family.

[@lousilver5852]

manipulating?

[@joanneloesner1264]

I'm with you. It's very painful. Sorry you are also going through this grief ❤

[@joanndeck4315]

You’re not alone….my eldest child is that way….so is his father….my other children are not (same father) why I believe there’s more genetics at play here than is realized at this point….in the 1950s they were still blaming mothers for their children’s autism…..sooooo 🤷🏻‍♀️ It is heartbreaking though, we don’t want it like this, but at some point we have to protect ourselves, and live the only life we’ve been given as well….life is short…..hugs 🤗

[@ElizaBeth-fh6wy]

This one narc in my life has always make it obvious they can't stand authenticity and sincerity. They'll express doubt that the person is genuine, and will even try to 'expose' the person's behavior as fake. I've been a target of this person's hostility for years and their efforts to ruin me. I'm gradually accepting the idea that I'm a threat to their fragile facade, that because they hide behind a false self, they feel compelled to push back at any threat of exposure, and accuse others of doing the very thing they do, living behind a false self. I guess that is projection and gaslighting? Their mentality is mind boggling. Thanks Dr. Carter for helping us sort through the insanity!

[@magdemighty8369]

That was my late father.

[@C.C.1812]

That is my ex. He said people who are genuine and sincere are stupid, like showing others their hand in a card game

[@ckbella44]

Exactly. Narc's hate authenticity because they're too afraid to be vulnerable. It's all deflection/projection to cause you to doubt yourself. You sound awesome - so keep up the good work.

[@jajn2]

This is my sister. She even weaponizes her bad experiences with our narc to pacify you from sharing your experience. “How is your relationship with dad?” Wait, I thought you didn’t want to talk about him?

[@jacklarson6281]

I've come to realize that there are some people who always need to have and enemy. no matter where they go, or what new neighborhood they move too, they always, very quickly, find someone to be their new enemy.

[@PantaRhei-wz5zn]

i've had the unfortunate experience of having to run projects with a group of these. As they acted as a supportive pack for one another, every time new members got added to the group, at least one of these new members automatically got the slot of target. That person got picked on endlessly, and could do nothing right. The group acted together to get to that person. I have always wondered what would happen if they would have run a project just with the 3 of them. I bet 2 of them would band together to pick on one of their own. Cannot imagine they could function without someone to pick on ...

[@IzzyWizzyWoozy]

Living with 5 narcissistic personalities growing up as an empathetic sensitive, I was constantly berated and abused for being different and 'over emotional' to the narcissists

[@Skazoonit]

My story too. It’s a very sad and lonely place to have to be. Fortunately I have been able to distance from them by growing up and embracing who I am.

[@SuperDflower]

Jesus people, I also had a very rough. Cluster B mom, Cluster B brother, bipolar dad. I don’t know why anyone would end up with this sort of karma, but what can we do but everything it takes to heal and not repeat the cycle. And it’s kind of amusing that you would have these types of people in your family that are completely unhinged telling you that you’re overly emotional. You almost have to laugh at it

[@Bobbymac28]

My 58 year old CN wife believes she is so entitled, that she took my prescription pain killers after I had major surgery, for herself! This has happened multiple times. She doesn't ask, she just takes them. Last time, she replaced them with placebos. When confronted, she lied and blamed the pharmacist before admitting that she took them. When asked what she replaced them with, she actually laughed and said "I don't remember." Yes, many times narcissists have a co-morbidity of one form of addiction or another. Her's is opioids.

[@Blahblahmeow]

My x is a sex addict

[@beemonroe4330]

Please leave this psychopath for your own health

[@bsp5161]

What is CN, Bobbymac? That is terrible. I can’t imagine. Sounds like she is “married to her addiction.”

[@surlif]

The narc in my life was an alcoholic. I am so sorry you also had to deal with co-morbidity. However, I appreciate you posting. For some time, I actually thought narcissism was just a misogynist action from men toward women. I see that I was sooo wrong!! I surely hope things improve for you. I see now that woman narcs also put their partners through so much pain.

[@DogChowGurl]

My narc blamed me for my chronic pain from spinal fractures when I was a child. Took my meds and when I experienced withdrawals, accused me of being an addict, since he/she knows everything, and "knows" only addicts go into withdrawals. ALSO blamed me for having pain, "you must not want to improve". Zero empathy. 100% weaponization.

[@SuperChicagoDude]

Merry Christmas everyone! Take care of yourselves and others. Peace and love.

[@deborraholiveri6202]

Peace ✌️ and love ❤ be with you. Happy Holidays..

[@1002BlackSheep]

❤ All good for you after Christmas

[@lynne-du9ql]

Thank you 🙏😊

[@carolynhendley4481]

My sister is a narcissist and I do all I can to avoid any contact with her. She only has something to do with me when it's beneficial to her. To keep my peace, I stay away from her. Always wants to control every situation and conversation. I'm glad for my decision to stay away from her

[@awesomerpower]

Me too. Good job taking care of yourself.

[@loriwilson-n9t]

Yep. Those types are not worth the trouble being around. I have hair-trigger temper when blatantly disrespected and there would be something said immediately which would automatically become my fault. I don’t bother anymore.

[@stillaworkinprogress2147]

It's not hatred towards this narcissist relative, it's grief.

[@ILovemydogEcho]

Precisely. So deeply painful this sorrow we carry. I pray God bring this evil to an end. In Jesus name Amen

[@sylviaduncan6663]

❤❤❤❤​@@ILovemydogEcho

[@SuperDflower]

I was just thinking the other day or I should say I was having a little conversation with myself and I asked myself, “Why aren’t you angry?” You’re in a state of grief, you’re heartbroken, but why aren’t you just angry about the way you’ve been treated? I can’t speak for anyone else but I wasn’t allowed to be angry and my family. I grew up with people slamming doors screaming punching walls your name it… But I wasn’t allowed to be angry. I truly wonder how many of us suffer from this in ability… We “forgive“, we grieve, we try to bend ourselves into pretzel shapes to make these relationships work. But why can’t we just stick with the fact that we don’t like being treated like shit? That would make things so easy. Maybe we should be thinking more in black-and-white terms. Maybe that would make it easier to make the break. Wonder if anyone else can relate?

[@Delacari]

Exactly. I'm no longer angry. I was angry for so long and through stages in our relationship. Now, I'm just so sad. I don't wish them harm - I just want it to end at this point.

[@BarbDixon3545]

You warned me to be prepared to have our holiday ruined. It happened.

[@howdydocowgirlcowgirl181]

Same 🎉😅

[@deannesullivan5392]

Same here too

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

I remedied that holiday meanness by avoiding all of them on the holidays.

[@Andrea-HeIsKing]

Mine too. My neighbor stalked me. My lawyer won't do a thing to help.

[@kaycampbell8532]

We no longer have family gatherings during the holidays since most our family are deceased. The memory of past holidays spent with my narcissist sister still causes me depression. I don't believe it will ever go away. I wish there was a way to delete ugly memories.

[@idontlikesummer00]

You know what’s scary? That the narcissist i dated and who dumped me, is a doctor. Aaaand he’s studying to be a NVC (non violent communication) method trainer. He will be teaching others about empathy and respect while he used to emotionally abuse me for months. The discrepancy between his imagine and reality is huge. And it’s actually scary how well these people hide. On our first date I told him I’m a very emphatic person and then he would tell me how much he cares about poor people, how much he helps others. Yeah, all for show, and In provate he’d turn into a cold hearted monster. Honestly it was one of the most difficult situations I’ve ever experienced. Peace and love to you all, let’s never again suffer those fools.

[@amybarathStorminStormy]

Yep that's my sibling. Everyone thinks he's wonderful but he's really a monster.

[@lmb4876]

@@idontlikesummer00 Well, I married a “doctor” exactly like this guy…he dumped me 20 years ago for a nurse, half his age. Dr Jekyll and Mr.Hyde to the fullest extent…just be glad ( and don’t look back) that you didn’t get married…they NEVER change

[@judystaab7126]

Maybe hes trying to heal and improve himself, knowing hes wrong. Reverse therapy.😅

[@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753]

I completely understand. I married a dark tetrad covert narcissist. Went from day to Darkest Night

[@klimtscat347]

Not a bit surprised, unfortunately. These individuals are everywhere and they love to be regarded as good people.

[@rhondathompson6592]

They groom children to dislike you! God sees all and will deal with these people. Commit to self care and love yourself and others!❤

[@angellacanfora]

I was reminded of my narcissistic mother's hatred towards me on Christmas day, when she gave me a hastily scrawled IOU as a card/present. She wears her contempt for me on her sleeve. It always just blows my mind how hateful she can be.

[@lindsayschilling8707]

Me too! A couple of Christmas' ago, my husband and I made our bi-yearly trip to visit my mother (the human woodchipper). Why? At the time she was 93 and alone, and out if love & obligation, we didn't want her to spend Xmas alone. We never stay more than 3 full days as she deconstructs into a hateful person. The last night there, she brought out my Xmas gifts, a bag of her worn out shoes, a well used baking pan, old paperback books and little cheap knick knacks. She threw the bag at me & wished me Merry Christmas in a rude nasty tone. My husband & I had given her a few nice gifts, a beautiful Xmas Wreath for her front door, and I bought and prepared a fabulous dinner to celebrate Xmas. I don't expect gifts from my mother (although she is quite wealthy), my husband and I pretty much have everything we need in this world. And, I certainly don't need her worn out items that she would typically throw away. A screaming tirade followed with her lifelong descriptive hatred towards me. I was gobsmacked! I've always been a loving dutiful daughter which apparently ONLY fuels her hatred for me. My poor husband was horrified! We retreated to the guest bedroom and I sobbed for an hour. My husband began loading up the car & prepared for our departure after 3-4 hours of sleep (he is the most kind, loving, wonderful man; I could see his heart breaking over my mother's monstrous behavior). We quietly slipped out of her house at 3 a.m., and we've not been back since - except I flew down as my twin sister would be there: my mother was splitting up her vault of jewelry to give to us. She was quite cold while I was there. As I was flying home, I vowed to NEVER go back! I haven't. My mother, the human woodchipper has never been loving towards me in any way; I don't remember a hug or 'I love you' coming from her my entire life. I do remember scornful looks, my hair being pulled, an occasional backhand accross my face or smacks across the back of my head with a coat hanger or hairbrush. Yes, there was psychological abuse, but a portion of that was also directed at my siblings as well. She never displayed her awful behavior in front of my Dad (a wonderful loving Father ❤). She would merely sit quietly and rarely speak. I now know why my mother is so hateful. Before my Father passed away at 91, he said to me, "Forgive your mother; her mother treated her horribly when she was growing up." 😮😮😮 There it was; the key to my life-long mystery of the human woodchipper! I was a good daughter, a tomboy growing up (which my mother detested), I had developed the skill of being a happy carefree child (most of the time), and I learned to ignore my mother's condescending voice and anger (which really got to her!). I spent most of my days at school or playing outside. I always returned home close to dinnertime. My twin sister would play with dolls, etc., in our expansive closet, or she would visit girlfriends in the neighborhood. My brothers were always out & about with their friends. There was always a good reason for us kids to be outside away from home. As we got older, we joined clubs at school, the swim team, outside interests, etc. We were busy staying away from home. Sorry this is so long winded, but I totally get what you're saying. I'm now 70, my mother is 96. I'm sorry to say that Narcissists DO NOT mellow with age. If anything they sink deeper into their hatred/madness. Angela, guard your heart, guard your brain, for they know not what they do to others. They behave in sick, twisted ways that we can never truly understand, and in many ways that's a good thing. It means we are nothing like them. ❤

[@Andrea-HeIsKing]

That sucks. I know exactly how you feel. I was reminded of my abusive brother when my neighbor was outside stalking me with a flashlight as I tended to my ponies on Christmas Eve. He stole all my joy and put me in a really bad depression. This narcissist abuse wears on us and triggers past wounds too.😢

[@kathleenmorrison8450]

I'd go no contact with her. No one deserves to be treated that way. You deserve much better.

[@rubylace9963]

I can't imagine being like this to my own child or anyone I loved. She would have been better off not giving you a present. My guess is that you will never get one.

[@Salutimondo]

@@lindsayschilling8707 I'm sorry you have had such an awful experience over your whole life. Finding out the reason for it would give an iota of understanding but of course doesn't excuse the behaviour or validate it. Unfortunately for your mother it is learned and entrenched behaviour from her own horrible childhood experiences.

[@lindyc.2552]

Thank you Dr. Carter! You feel honored to be with us on our individual journeys of recovery from narcissistic abuse. But, it's us who deeply appreciate not just how much you teach us, but how much we feel your warmth, compassion and empathy towards us as you do so. Thank you so much for being on our journeys with us! Your sincerity and genuine concern for us certainly touches my heart deeply. Just to have someone who speaks warmly and caringly is such a beautiful blessing, as many of us have no one else in our lives that do so. I've learned so much from you already, and I appreciate your easy, friendly, warm manner of delivery and your sense of humor. It's a long journey to recovery, but you give us the encouragement and hope that we need, in order to believe that it can be done, and that we are not so damaged that we can't get there. Thank you so much! ❤

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so kind, Lindy. Thank you.

[@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753]

Your comment made me very emotional. Thank you for writing these words because I didn't know how.

[@lindyc.2552]

@@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753 I know so many of us feel the same way! I'm happy that I could help. Best wishes! 💕

[@TavuğunMaceraları]

I never hate anybody. When I sense hatred I just stay away. It is their problem.

[@DeeCee16]

The title made me laugh so much. It made me think of how narcissists ruin even the most beautiful days, like Christmas, so videos like this are needed even during the holidays. They are so miserable and Grinch-like that I know many need this video during this season.

[@suraya1224]

@DeeDee16: Once the first 2 yrs of love bombing wore off, & the insane jealousy/ control began, my ex deliberately ruined every day, esp holidays, like Christmas, birthday, & New Year's eve/day. So thankful I finally saw my own weakness, realized what I was dealing with, & left; never looked back.

[@Jennx7080]

Mom & Dad raised me in love, to know right from wrong. No matter how evil/sadistic he becomes I know what love is. He can't touch what was built in me from childhood & he can't stand that.

[@KaiaLoken]

@@Jennx7080 get u a new relationship and pour love into a new person one that can pour love into you

[@lynne-du9ql]

Jealousy is a scary thing...my narc is jealous and I wish I was strong enough to walk away forever. It's not that I am afraid of being alone, it's that he keeps saying he is going to leave this world and I'll have to live with it. You're lucky to have parents who taught you love and gave you love, hang onto this no matter what, it's your strength 💗. God bless you 🙏

[@goldamazonb2122]

@@lynne-du9ql narcs use self harm threats as a form of manipulation in a relationship. They are usually far too self absorbed to actually act on it and even if by some slim chance they would harm themselves it would never be your fault. Grab your chance and run.

[@bonnieoliver219]

I currently am dealing with a neighbor who is a malignant narcissist. It is obvious he hates me. I have learned to just laugh when he hurls insults to me in our alleyway. I just refuse to defend against his falsely based insults.Most recently he said in passing, “ somewhere there is a God who would not let you live’. I laughed out loud. It just so happens, I will soon move into a newly renovated apartment and will no longer encounter him on a regular basis. I learned to not defend, just laugh. It demonstrates his words hold no power over me. That really unnerves him.

[@brg2743]

He's a mean boy. What we reap we sow.

[@lululiga333]

Be careful. They can suddenly turn very violent if you insult their ego. It’s called narcissistic injury. It’s really not worth possibly stirring it up.

[@ptrblz]

That is true they are commited to their hate

[@DogChowGurl]

They have such a vast (infinite?) dark hole inside them where their soul should be found. They are such cowards, they can never look within. No remedy for them. I ALMOST pity them. Edit...I DO pity them, but from afar.

[@nicolefiocco4516]

It's their best friend. They're most comfortable when they're hating.

[@joannajohnson696]

I no longer trust the narcissist, I no longer like the narc that I know and I no longer wish to live with a husband who acts like a criminal. No remorse. Now he wants to quit a job that pays his house payment. I can't do it. I'm done. All he wants to do his sit around and drink beer. I am out of here.

[@joannmesaris7282]

@@joannajohnson696 Shienia Twain I'M OUTTA HERE!

[@FloridaGirl-]

Run

[@TerrieHouston-l2g]

@@joannajohnson696 Run for your life and don't look back he will only put you down too his level 🏃🏿‍♀️🏃🏿‍♀️🏃🏿‍♀️🏃🏿‍♀️🏃🏿‍♀️🏃🏿‍♀️🏃🏿‍♀️ get the hell out of their and don't have anything else to do with him. Never go back he have show you who he is believe him🤔

[@lululiga333]

It will be the biggest gift you’ll ever give to yourself. Your biggest regret looking back will be that you didn’t it sooner.

[@lorik5675]

My narcissist sibling always has a new target. First his coworkers, friends, his mom, his wife; always a new person to hate. Targets-

[@SuperDflower]

And in that Merry go round, is you and they will cycle back to you. Might take a while as in my case, but it will happen. I should say though that I think when one overlooks the micro aggressions, one misses the opportunity to see that they are starting to turn against you already. It’s like they’re testing to see if they can escalate at some point in the not too distant future. This shit sucks. I’m sick of it.

[@SuperDflower]

I’m sorry you have a sibling like this. So do I. And he’s the only black family I have left. I’d rather be treated well

[@r3sfernjbb]

This is so true. They always have to have a target. It reminds me of immature teenage games. They never grew up.

[@NancyBrown1975]

We have to constantly be aware of where the devil hides.

[@LOVEISTRUTH300]

This is true. LOVE💖💖💖

[@patreesheys7201]

You save me from the turmoil every time i listen to your comforting voice. I persevere but in moments of relapse i appreciate what you say. The hurt subsides. I wish it would go away completely. Thank you so much.

[@babyrenee6537]

This is why tolerating abuse can become a snare~eventually, after forgiving repeatedly, it can overcome us causing us to become distrustful, resentful even embittered. Only after putting an end to the abuse can we fully forgive or begin to heal. And remember~holding onto unforgiveness is like drinking poison while waiting on someone else to die! God is love +

[@oliviafox6745]

Something that was helpful to me is differentiate between forgiveness and trust. You may forgive a rattler for biting you but you don't go near them again.

[@SanityTastesGood]

Walk away. Find a way, and walk away. I promise you, it’s the most freeing thing you can do.

[@michelepascoe6068]

I didn't recognize my mother's hatred. I didn't know why my relatives cut me off or treated me with contempt, one by one. I was desperate for my mother's acceptance, but I thought she misunderstood me, not realising what was going on. I kept trying to resolve the conflict.

[@WalkingwithChrist97]

@@michelepascoe6068 me too It went from uncomfortable to feeling the hatred towards me. It's sick!

[@sallybyrd3712]

I had the same kind of Mother. I never mourned when she past. Their hate is a root of bitterness and it is generational. They don't really like anyone, not even themselves. The challenge and spiritual work is to not become like them.

[@willisknapick4405]

Same with my 2 yo mother. She was jealous of me from the time I was a little kid. And she never changed. One phone call I reached my breaking point and never had contact again. She started out yelling at me. I hung up 10 seconds later. I was around 50 years old.

[@michelepascoe6068]

@sallybyrd3712 yes, so sad that a loved one's memory can be relief that it's over. We are safe and free.

[@michelepascoe6068]

@willisknapick4405 I was 53 when my mother died and I started learning about narcissistic abuse and healthy boundaries. I hadn't known I could leave and still be a decent person. Wish I had decades earlier.

[@Salutimondo]

Their hatred increases even more depending on how much more successful than them you are. They are very jealous of our success and the material things we have but they're not jealous of how we earned it by working hard, making some sacrifices and making sensible financial decisions. They just feel entitled to have things simply because they want them.

[@Cassiemom-1234]

Thank you for these videos. My narc sister hates me so much she went on the nastiest smear campaign which robbed me of two years of my life. I considered her my best friend for my whole life. When she was found to be abusing my elderly parent’s funds and I called her out (very gently) on it, she sought revenge in the worst way imaginable. Two years later I learned what narcissism is and all the red flags I ignored for decades now makes sense. It’s been traumatic, but I’m recovering. I am working on forgiving, but I want nothing to do with her ever. I was robbed in more ways than financial.

[@dianaballiet3661]

My husband's sister was similar to yours but couldn't be a best friend to anyone she couldn't control The revenge taught by her taught nearly cost my husband jail time. Revenge can be very dangerous.

[@ameliatozzi6311]

You are not alone, my situation is ditto to yours. The best thing I ever did was to permanently Go No Contact. Do whatever you can to love and honor yourself without guilt, shame or regret. I tried to keep her in my life but finally realized how TOXIC it was for her to remain in my life and her constant smear campaign with my friends, family and her friends. I have peace, calm, happy and healing all my past traumas! Amen to being free from a Narcissist 🎉

[@violettabicycletta331]

I know exactly what you are saying since I live with one of them who has just wrecked the Christmas party with his hatred and toxicity ! Your video is empowering as it puts it out there clearly so we can grasp it deeply ... because ... we are so confused living with those mad people !!!.

[@yeldarleumas1847]

'Family'.

[@jnhipolito]

Can you do a video on the narcissist’s “inner chaos”? What is that exactly? Thank you for all you do!

[@JBarnes55]

I cut ties with my MIL 3 yrs ago. She is still trying to get me back. When I refused to let her in my house to talk she left the most disturbing voicemail with my daughter. She accused me of being a hateful, lying, manipulative, evil person.... everything she is. Her family is at their wits end with her, but the worst of her hate is still directed towards me. She can't stand that I am no longer a willing source of supply. I pity her but I don't hate her. I often think that if everything she says about me is true then why the heck does she still try to get me back? It's messed up for sure.

[@sharonducci7089]

I finally realized that my sisters are narcissist they have the same disease that my father has it was recently one of my sisters announced that I was a loser I was always a loser she was watching me work in the hospital with other people and very comfortable with it because that’s what I did with my life however she hasn’t been in my life for over 55 years and I’m 70 so for her to announce that I was nothing but a loser and that I never had a job worth anything I looked at her face and I asked God in my heart to help me and all of a sudden it was like somebody pulled the sheet off of her I saw the vulnerability I saw the outrage and the hatred and the anger of someone was never even stepped foot in my house even though they live less than a mile away. That was for both of them but yet I’m scapegoat and it just occurred to me how painfully jealous she was that everything I have I did without a spouse. No one helped me I bought and sold homes I’ve moved up my education to get as much as possible I’ve got as many licenses and experience in medical and business to make myself easy access to always having jobs of good pay. And I don’t walk around like I’m proud of myself because I didn’t do it alone my God was with me always. However she just stopped right in front of my mother lying in the hospital bed was dying to announce this thought I was a loser all I have to say was you’re jealous oh my gosh you’re jealous and she said no I’m not I said you most certainly are you have narcissist just like you just don’t know how to be kind you don’t know how to love. And he couldn’t handle it it was like somebody set her on fire she couldn’t get out of that room fast enough I haven’t seen her since. Narcissism classic expected outcome. Thank you for all your teaching I finally have peace. I can’t believe all these years they made me feel like I wasn’t even part of a family I left home at 15 because of it put myself through college.

[@dianaballiet3661]

Amazing life you have made under the circumstances. Congratulations, you handled your sister so well!

[@jowaters7319]

Perhaps connection with healthy individuals is one of the best therapies? However, one may become so disregulated that it may be difficult for those healthy ones to want to interact with you after suffering the effects of a narcissist?

[@alvildasophiaalegria800]

My mother hates me. She is a sociopath. I used to dislike myself for a long time because she convinced me I was everything she hurt me with. I’m still finishing the pain through therapy. I’m getting there. I feel more free from the prison that I didn’t understand. I was in gosh, it was painful.

[@ia9259]

It's odd because this video puts words into what I felt and I actually thought I was wrong, because it feels so insane to think your onw parents hate you. But I think my mom hates me. She's been so mean even when I was a child she'd beat me up constantly and insult me. The worst insult is when she called me "my dad's slut." I always defended my dad against her and the crazy thing its that he'd reject me for that and still does. I feel so stupid cause I realized in adulthood how unhealthy my family was. I tried to be loved all my life and gave up so much for them and now I think it's time to let go and wish them the best and without me of course. Thank you so much for these videos they are very helpful and when I listen to you Dr Carter, I feel better and it gives me enough courage and validation to be able to heal. Thank you.

[@lisaklein664]

Such a painful reality but you are resilient, a true strength, practise self care & self love. Look forward not back💝

[@ia9259]

@@lisaklein664 Thank you for your kind message

[@joebaker3074]

This video was helpful, thank you Dr Carter. NPD is a difficult disorder for neuronormals to understand. Your videos shine a light into the dark corners. I realise my wife's malign behaviour towards me comes from her childhood experiences and I am able to forgive her. I reflect on how lucky I was to have been surrounded by love all my life, until I married her. But I am now overwhelmed by divorce warfare, drone-squadrons of lies and dishonesty.

[@sandybowman7140]

"This too will pass" is a good saying to cling to. Happiness is not lost forever. I wish u well and understand ur difficult path + it's a path to freedom & serenity. ❤

[@lindsayschilling8707]

Joe, stay the course! Your life will tremendously improve with time - once the divorce is over & done. After that, go Gray Rock, no communication. Good luck and know that you and your life ARE important!

[@janedavis7266]

Sometimes you have to realize that there is not enough of the hater there to resent or hate. Wish them well and walk away.

[@MeCynthiaAnn]

Wow, that is really really true and I’ve heard that before but I totally forgot about it. I person cannot give back what they do not have inside of themselves. Thank you dear Dr. C and Gus. From Cynthia Ann in JANESVILLE. WI

[@suecraig5704]

So many post are about someone surviving a narcissistic parent. Well I’m the parent. My daughter has been difficult since she was young, assumed the role of “queen bee” throughout her school career. Always turning others against some poor victim. Always was rude to me and acted very dismissive towards me . We have three other grown adult boys who are wonderful people. Two years ago my 32 year old, cruel, married daughter, decided we were abusive and has gone no contact with all of us. We loved her husband and my 2 year old grand baby. Think I cried for 6 months but getting better everyday. Dr C, your talks and helping me understand this personality disorder have been my medicine . Thank you Anytime you want to do a talk on grown narcissistic children, I’d love it.

[@JayEss73]

Children don't become "difficult" for no reason. Typically children react to whatever is happening to them. You should keep that in mind instead of thinking she became this way in some sort of twilight zone vacuum.

[@susanmercurio1060]

My daughter was the same way. Now that I know more about narcissism, I think that she is a covert passive-aggressive vulnerable narcissist. I saw a video with Dr Peter Salerno on it and he has done studies that show that narcissism is inborn. It made me feel a lot better because everyone else blames the parents. See the response from JayEss73. I also want Dr Carter to talk about narcissistic children.

[@lynnbargewell3833]

@@JayEss73 You need to walk a mile in our shoes before you make assumptions. We did everything for our daughter, she wanted for nothing and we had a loving relationship with her, until she met her now husband who is a real nasty piece of work. My daughter first began getting rid of her friends, then she stopped talking to us. When I tried to ask why, she became hateful and towards us, saying we had treated her badly. We were horrified by the things she said and I was absolutely heartbroken. Our granddaughter is 19 now and she comes to see us regularly, she knows her mum has been unreasonable, but I don’t say anything about my daughter to her because it’s her mum and I love her in spite of her behaviour towards us. I encourage my granddaughter to respect that. I’m getting on with my life now, I will not tolerate any toxic people around me anymore.

[@JayEss73]

@@lynnbargewell3833 If it wasnt you, it could have been she was abused by someone else and never told you. I'm going no contact with my covert npd mom and my codependent dad. They don't acknowledge any of the shit they did but accuse me of having been a "difficult" child when all I was doing was reacting to their bs. Sorry, it's a sore spot to me when parents blame their children, especially when they are actual young children and the parents are the ones who should be the adults and not vice versa.

[@Jenifer_G]

You are not alone with this issue. Best to you.

[@llkellenba]

Thank you for validating the extreme hurt narcissistic people may cause and that being exposed to chronic contempt is a toxic and destructive experience that shouldn’t be tolerated. For ANY reason.

[@JohnnyMason-p7u]

It gushes out but now I have a plan I won't be here forever playing the long game on my time

[@Teacher369]

👋 Dr Carter ☀️ This video is another answer to one of my frequent prayers. I literally ask for the hatred to be taken off my heart. I have so much hurt and anger to overcome. 😔 Thank you for the validation and for showing me the path forward. I will overcome this. I will! 🙏 ❤️ ☮️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Stay with it! I hope you saw the video that came out Dec 23 about the primary reason that makes overcoming narcissistic abuse so daunting. That should resonate as well.

[@Teacher369]

I did, Dr C ☀️ and I commented about how I will watch it often. 🙏 ❤️ ☮️

[@prettylady995]

Yes I had a Narc Mother emotionally abusive and my Dad died when I was little no one in home to protect me from her abuse. Years later I married a Narcissist and didn’t even know it . I am an older lady never got away from it. It’s not easy to move out when you’re old and have health issues

[@cleaningtim]

Thank you, Dr. Carter. This video helps me to understand when I have anger towards the narcissist and not to beat myself up for having that anger. Thank you for your help to me and all of us here during 2024, and for the peace you are helping me work towards for myself. Happy New Year to you, your Family and Gus! Hoping all of you will have a Healthy, Happy Year! You are such a Blessing sent from God!

[@IanBond007]

Christmas without children yet again is their revenge for me standing up for myself. Unfortunately in the UK the police and courts are easily manipulated into assisting abusers.

[@nadiastahiv4403]

years goes by, situation changes, but narcissist still come across in my life and I find this channel very healing for a decade now ❤❤❤

[@snowbear1877]

I have to admit I hate many in my family. I ruminate about the past and the things they did to me. I don't want to feel this way. I've had lots of therapy. But the anger won't go away, even though I know it's not good for me.

[@americafirst1282]

Same here. I hate them with a passion

[@VgVi13]

@snowbear1877 You're not alone.

[@SherryWilson-dk7bo]

I think anger is a stage of grief and I hope you can move on through that stage and though the other ones to your healing ❤🙏🙂

[@michelepascoe6068]

I hope you can find peace. I needed to detach emotionally and give up false hopes. I had to embrace radical acceptance of the situation and of who they are, and release my anger, hatred and resentment. I used to go for a walk on the beach, pick up a stone or a shell and throw it into the sea saying, "I release ..... from my life. I forgive them and am free of them." It helped me to get over them. I learned to just "observe from afar" what they had done, without taking it personally or thinking I had to fix it or find justice. Just accept that "they lie, cheat and steal, and that is their choice," or whatever.

[@psalm1197]

Give it all to Jesus. Whenever you get a surge of anger, speak your feelings to Jesus and ask him to take the anger and pain away, then find something pleasant and beautiful to think on.

[@ShirleyMcDonald-j4f]

Such excellent content in this video that I can relate to. Yes, I am hated by my narcissistic siblings. It’s part of a long history of this family’s attempt to scapegoat me, keep me down and ineffective in life. It’s so horrible. But the good news is I am not even angry at them. I pray for them. They are relentless in their plan to trap me, etc. I have gone NC for 2 yrs. and my brother is determined to overcome me. If I didn’t laugh, I’d cry. I think my ability to cope and heal comes from: (1) My relationship with Jesus Christ and His protection; (2) Lots & lots of therapy; (3) Commitment to become & remain mentally healthy; (4) Love for myself and others. Your videos are part of my healing. From the bottom of my heart, Dr. C, thank you for caring about this community that mostly suffers in silence and alone. You are a gift from God himself. “Happy New Year.”

[@Misskitty15]

Shirley, I'm married to a Narcissist. It took me 40 yrs to figure out it wasn't me, it was that he hated me without a cause! Then everyone says they are hopeless and will never change. I think I've finally begun to see that & like you, if I didn't have Jesus, I wouldn't have gotten through although, I'm still learning.

[@ShirleyMcDonald-j4f]

We’re in the same “Club.” I’m glad you found out. It doesn’t matter how long it took. I was married for 18 yrs. to a narcissist but it wasn’t until the betrayal of my narc sister that I saw the real truth of my marriage. That was 32 yrs. later. Like you, he blamed me for all the problems & I spent years absolving myself(therapy). I am a young 82 yrs. old. I’ve spent my adult life working to undo all the damage caused by narcissism. However, from my vantage point now, I believe it’s all part of God’s plan. There is a reason for what happened. yet to be revealed. How about you? Do you believe your destiny is still evolving? Blessings be upon you !!!

[@Plumduff3303]

My parents were narcissists i was hated from day one.

[@susanmercurio1060]

Mine too

[@lindsayschilling8707]

My mother, the human woodchipper!

[@heatherwhittaker6169]

Happy Christmas and New year Dr C...and love to Gus

[@miriam100ful]

this is so true, they hate certain people for the smallest reasons, and you cannot explain it away to them. But at the same time as they cannot process their emotions to these people they ask your help.

[@joycej928]

During the times I was in a relationship with these persons, I hated the feelings of anger and hatred they brought up in me. I felt like I was becoming the worst version of myself. This really fueled my desire to get out and thank heavens I had the strength to do so. Thank you, Dr. Carter, for continuing to help me uncover who I am after having lived through these nightmares.

[@gefen6638]

Thank you for this helpful video, Dr. C. It is so helpful to hear it asserted that a hateful person should not be allowed to be a person of influence in one's life. One of the problems with covert narcissists who are wolves in sheep's clothing is that because their mannerisms can be polite and they do not show their hate openly, when the victim reacts, the victim then seems like the hateful or paranoid one. So the victim has to trust their gut that they are indeed being victimized by hate even if the hate is not explicitly expressed (which can lead to so much self-doubt and confusion). This is another reason that distance can be helpful in order to focus on a positive and responsible life instead of a life determined by hate and self-doubt.

[@Jenifer_G]

Good point

[@WendyThomas-m4i]

My daughter is a narc and so is her dad, my ex. It's like she utterly hates me and finds wrong in everything I have ever done for her or in the present moment. She has used me as her scapegoat and punching bag for so...many yrs. She gas lights me, insults me, ignores me whenever it suits her. I have to let her go once and for all. For my own sanity and well-being. But, it's heart shattering because of my granddaughter. Unbelievably painful. She has been very nasty, mean, hateful towards me. Slandering my name. Telling lies about me, even on FB and lying about me right to my face. I cannot take it one more day!! Trying to figure her out. Trying to think of a way to get through to her. ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE!! I don't know if I will ever move past the hurt and rejection. 😢😥

[@Sneezy563]

I know how your pain feels Wendy. My daughter & ex were the same. My husband would stand by and allow my daughter to degrade me & respect was non existent hence now he is my ex as of 10 yrs ago as I lost respect & love for him. He had inward issues which he never shared with me. He blotted them out with alcohol. Like you I have lost my grandchildren from babies - she constantly used them as weapons to hurt me. My 15 yr old grandaughter came & found me & I was on 'cloud nine'. She has issues with her Mum but I said nothing derogatory. I now see her slipping away as she's been told by her Mum & my ex she's not to see me - afraid I believe I might tell her my side which I would not only answering questions ehe's asked with the truth. My daughter is now on marriage 3 which is going downhill & like her Father she also drinks too much. My family is so dysfunctional & for self preservation I had to leave but the pain is with me every day.

[@Misskitty15]

My son did the same thing & since he discovered he couldn't deceive me, he permanently threw me under the bus, but you know what? I am better off. I don't need that type of person in my life. I have enough to deal with (his father, also Narc), but I find solace in praying for him and really that's all I can do!

[@Sabrina-lj7ne]

Same here...daughter had me cosign college loans and in 3rd year, quit and texted me she wanted me out of her life....left me with the bills. I let her go....blocked her, don't acknowledge her to anyone new in my life, and do not allow her to get to me. She lives with her narc father now...they can have each other. The anchor is gone from my neck and I thank God

[@AnnMarie-py5cy]

My late mother and her family would not let go of me. They didn't like me but would follow me to places i was at. (I would leave) My mother wanted to live with me I even moved to a different state. I had lots of flying monkeys telling me i was ignoring an aunt, cousin. I am for kindness and respect but what they gave was chaos and hate. I must have been good supply. . I

[@merin797]

After two years of struggling, it’s crystal clear that he will not change. There is no point in staying. He did not grow the “arm” the rest of us did. He could not have a better person than me in his life, and he STILL pushed me away. By the mature of who I am intimindated him. I can’t build anything with a hologram. Impossible. I told him “There is no more point in engaging with you.”

[@nonnazolli]

Happy Holidays! Dr. Carter and Gus, many thanks for all the beautiful work that you do to help others, the true spirit of Christmas. Gus never misses a day of class, he must be quite an expert on the subject of narcissism at this point, bless his heart.

[@lishmahlishmah]

Dr C , all your last videos... I can't find the better expression to say this, but I hope you are aware that you are giving us *a masterclass after another* . All the latest videos are real masterclasses, all to re-listen, to let them sink, to process for our personal case and to put into daily practice. Plus, if someone still has not "binged" enough with the recent videos... We can find so many true gems in your past years videos, according to our different cases and situations. Thank you. Grazie 💚

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for being an encourager, Francesca. I'm so glad to be on the path with you.

[@Smeegheed1963]

It's reached a whole new level. My son used to live half the time with me, he loves me as I love him. 8 weeks ago the ex wife stopped bringing him here, for no good reason whatsoever. Her boyfriend then came an attacked me at my home, I'm 61, he's 20 years younger and bigger, I ended up unconscious on the road outside. The reason he thought valid was that I told her if she's not bringing my son round, not to bring the dog. She thinks I should still have the dog half time, but not our child. She has now kept him from me all through Christmas. He openly says I am the closest person to him and the only person who understands him. I think she knows how much he loves me and is jealous so is trying to distance him from me. I don't know what to do.

[@susanmercurio1060]

Call the police

[@jeankipper6954]

Report the attack to the police. Get it on record. Report it to Family Court, to enforce the decree. Get help, tell all. Don't try to do it alone. TELL them you are telling everyone. Keep no secrets!!!

[@Smeegheed1963]

@jeankipper6954 Thank you. I did call the police, they came and took a statement but I haven't heard anything back yet. Her response was to bombard me with abusive texts, calling me f###### selfish b###### for ringing the police and telling me to withdraw the assault case. She has kept my boy from me all through this Christmas, even though she lives 5 minutes away. She will still bring the dog, tomorrow at 11am but tomorrow I won't be in. My neighbour is going to watch in case she abandons the dog behind the gate like she did last week. Your advice is good and much appreciated. I agree, this abuse has been so secret for many years but now it's time to stand my ground and tell people, especially the authorities. Thanks again.

[@nikkiwilder660]

Call a lawyer. She cannot just keep your kid away without valid reason.

[@jeankipper6954]

Yes definitely, lawyer, whatever it takes. Now!

[@priyachen]

Love is everything

[@Explorer63-k6d]

Thank you so much for this video. I really needed this information today 🙏🏾

[@anneyoung2310]

Excellent piece. "Hatred is a form of attachment. It is codependency." I choose to be disconnected completely (healthy fear of taking on any toxicity), versus hatred, but often circumstances prevent no contact. Riddle this: there are occurrences of one way attachment/commitment (including to hatred) when persons are narcissistic and mentally unhealthy, as with Charles Manson.

[@sayusayme7729]

Thank you, a lifetime of healing after too many benefit of the doubt. No amount of self reflection or self awareness. Sad but true.

[@Siddhia1]

Thank you for all your wisdom and guidance. I’m in a partnership in a business with a raging narcissist and you give me the strength to walk away from the business in order to save my soul. Thank you again.❤

[@Nancy-yw1rr]

I know exactly who taught my ex to be hateful- it was his father. The first time I met him, I felt something was off and I honestly sensed his meaness before he opened his mouth.

[@gavinstewart2242]

Needed to hear this...especially at this time of year. Thank you sir.

[@alecstuart5266]

Wish you & your family a merry Christmas Dr. C.

[@gisella1350]

Thank you, your words are always welcome.

[@r.w3056]

This was a great video. I too have dealt with a narcissistic person in my life who caused a great deal of pain and turmoil. I am still having to deal with issues stemming from that person many years later. I am so glad there are people like you who can help educate us on how to handle situations like this. Because at first I thought I was crazy until I realized it wasn’t me. There are still people around her who seem to be taken under her spell if you will who seem to have become her flying monkeys. I don’t really have anything to do then either but sometimes I have to see them at family functions and they make it a point to always speak about her in my presence as if she’s a saint. I’m trying to figure out what to say the next time that happens because I think they do it on purpose. I normally ignore it but I’m honestly tired of always being the bigger person. I need to tell them that talking bringing that person up in my presence only stirs up anger and I’d rather not talk about her.

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

Thank-you, Dr. Carter. This has been a painful podcast, yet I needed to hear this. Two years ago, my ex-husband said he loathed me. I was stunned. I didn't know that narcissists hate. The information in this podcast also explains my physical reactions if I have to have any contact with him. I learned a lot today and this will help me with my healing journey, too.

[@zoso4752]

Thank you after a few months away. You've opened my eyes in a lot of ways and getting stronger. Now with a clearer mind i come back and realize i still have work to do and thrive deeper because we could slip back into bad habits. Happy holidays and lots of love. It really helps people who are looking for help, and build their self confidence

[@CplArvinBethe]

I understand hatered, it’s an emotional thing, but fury is without emotion. My mother was irrationally furious repeatedly. When it finally subsided there was no residual emotion, no hate, no anger she acted as if nothing happened.

[@deemaysie6568]

Blocking out reality is a defense mechanism, but I think that that amnesia is actually something physically wrong in their brains. I have read research (and this is my lived experience too) that it is tantamount to having a completely different personality come out. When things settle down again the primary personality returns.

[@sharonbowers9929]

I appreciate this man. He’s such a blessing.

[@douaa1934]

Merry Christmas 🎁

[@Rachel-mz8ko]

Watching your videos again, later, continues to be so rewarding. Its a little breathtaking how wise and compassionate you are. About two minutes in, you perfectly restated the "its not about you concept" by saying that its important to realize people are only able to give what they themselves have inside themselves. I know that you have said this before. But its so kind of you to say something like that (even a bit shocking). This video and the one from two months ago regarding how a narcissist deals with hope (or doesn't deal with its loss) are really helping me breakdown and understand my narcissistic mom. My traumatized husband, though seemingly unpredictable, seems to have been consistent in his motivations. My mom, on the other hand, seems to have been more fragmented. (Its odd but even her attempts to show love seemed somewhat creepy to me. I suspect its a case of, "I love you because you just gave me what I wanted" or something like that.) You are a great therapist and probably an even greater human being. I wish you all the very best. May God bless you forever.

[@StKrane]

Thank you so much. We have a choice, even if we‘re hurt and wounded.