How Narcissists Justify Abuse

[@yukio_saito]

It's a double whammy to get gaslighted after being abused. 😰😰

[@texasrefugee7888]

Yeah especially when you go into therapy with people who don't have a clue about narcissistic abuse. You'll get diagnosed with every damn thing in that book. You'll be giving pills that will make you 50 times crazier. And still be told there's something wrong with you. Never a word about narcissistic abuse

[@bellaluce7088]

4:01 *"...the justification is itself a continuation of the abuse."* Truth!

[@SebastianKomor]

It's almost eerie how on point and predictable it all is.

[@fotonomad69]

There’s no justification for abuse. Period.

[@INCYTER]

Sure there is! Just ask `em! "You started it!", etc.. ;) Just kidding! 😇

[@l.t.2356]

Your advice to emotionally distance and detach is the only answer to this dynamic. I never address any issues with my narcissist anymore. They twist you into a pretzel. I no longer want to be that emotionally dysregulated by someone who doesn't want to hear how their behavior is affecting you. I am finding my peace. Thank you, Dr. C!!!

[@susannakotoff7095]

same here the more you explain and want resolve the gaslighting ramps up, so no contact is the only way to silence them and take away their toxic vortex

[@l.t.2356]

@@susannakotoff7095 When you distance yourself and say only what is necessary, you do take away their "Power!" Sad that it has to be this way.

[@flash_flood_area]

​@@l.t.2356It truly is sad. I have to create distance from my older sister, after decades of abuse. It requires me to behave in a cold and gray manner, which doesn't represent my true self. It damages my own spirit to have to behave that way. Plus, I know it hurts her feelings. Also, I'm sad that I can't have a loving relationship with a sister, as part of my life. How nice that would be.

[@flash_flood_area]

@@l.t.2356 I should add that it's also sad to know that she is telling other people that I'm cold and mean. She tells that to family members who live far away from me. I don't know how much they believe her; but it really hurts that they hear those things, and don't otherwise know me

[@rebeccacory7945]

@@flash_flood_areaI hear you!! I went no contact with my older sister and it took her 18 months to even notice 🤣🤣 Point being, try not to waste your precious time or energy on someone who can’t or won’t see you and value you as who you really are. It’s not worth the price you have to pay. I’ve found honesty is the best policy, and you can’t be honest with someone who doesn’t want to hear your point of view. I no longer waste my time (still get the accusations by and through other family members) and when someone brings her up, I tell them “I understand, I’ve forgiven her, and that doesn’t mean I’m willing to ‘do life’ with her. A 4th grader knows the way she’s treated me is wrong and if she doesn’t know that by now, she’s NOT going to hear it from someone she threw on the trash heap. I mean nothing to her so if you want it fixed, talk to her. Or just do what I do & say your prayers & let God take care of it. Then go and have a good day because that’s what God wants for us all.” ❤

[@texaspatty458]

Narcs don't consider any of their behavior as abuse , but are certainly going to show You where You have caused Them pain and how You are abusive and need Help .

[@Cologal60]

💯

[@SteelyBlue2013]

@@texaspatty458 Yes..

[@Ratgirl2]

Yes I I'm done I did my best and told I'm 100 percent responsible I'm done no more. 🫤🫤🫤

[@SteelyBlue2013]

@@texaspatty458 oh 👋 😊

[@RTWRTW-RTWRTW]

Good day everyone! I hope everyone victimized by such people as narcissists get the justice they deserve! 🙏.

[@CindyWorrall]

amen

[@anacardinale5769]

I have been waiting for justice almost 68 years now. At this point, It may only happen when we all enter eternity. But one thing is certain, no one hell bent on destroying me or anyone else through scapegoating, malicious gossip aimed at destroying my reputation or relationships and isolating me for no other reason than their hatred and pride will have to meet God one day and His judgement will demand justice🙏

[@RTWRTW-RTWRTW]

@@anacardinale5769 They will meet many obstacles.

[@cherobinson6371]

The best Justice is too never have too interawith them again. You can’t Win they see it as a Game You shouldn’t your concern should be your health and you can only keep that intact by Zero Contact with them.

[@douaa1934]

Narcissist justify abuse by wanting their victims to look like the problem, or the bad guy, " the crazy one". They will use the other person reaction as a weapon against them. Gossip, smear campaign and false accusations all to Esacpe the responsibility of the abuse. They play victims

[@kre8504]

My mother used to say, be glad I brought you into this world, as if she purposed in her heart for a good thing. @ the time I didn’t appreciate it, because I wasn’t saved then. And now I completely see what her problem was. Sadly, she was in denial of her own issues, so it’s better for her sake to shift them of to me, by proxy: my sister was the Golden Child who could do no wrong & I was their Scape Goat, carrying their heavy burdens of life. @ times, I was even the mother, who kicked to unwanted grown (grown size wise) men out of our home. As dad wasn’t around to do it (I was fatherless) & my mother caved, regarding responsibility: so I had to take over: I was probably 17 @ the time.

[@wakeupordie]

They play the victim while claiming you are the one with the victim mentality. Deny and project.

[@michellepurcell8703]

There is no excuse for abuse!!

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

There is no excuse for abuse, ever. And the narcissist’s justification of abuse of is a major insult - like a slap in the face. We are not to teach adults how to behave and treat others with dignity, respect and civility. What we can do is to disengage, walk away and leave them in silence. Thank you for your invaluable help and support dr Carter ❤

[@DarthIckus]

My heart goes heart to survivors of any kind of abuse. But when they become the abuser and do the smae thing that they have literally "cried a river" about others doing to them, they lose all implied entitlements to my empathy / sympathy.

[@justice8563]

This behaviour needs to be trained in the police department with new officers and judges in the courts, because they look on the side of the manipulator and the victim see’s that they will never be protected. Until narcissistic laws get put on the books then many more abuse charges and even murder’s will grow.

[@TheAdventuresOfCollegeGiRL]

“Because I have to teach you/you need to learn”

[@kre8504]

She liked to unload her guilt trip onto me, as if it all was my fault, turning it around onto me. Shifting the blame onto me.

[@Hatbox948]

I may have told this story before. Once we had a bad snowstorm and lost power for a week. We bought a generator and my SIL came with my daughter and granddaughter to help hook it up. As luck would have it, the glass cover to the gas logs fell and broke into a million pieces. We were using the gas logs to stay warm. I expressed concern about my granddaughter getting hurt over by them and wanted to turn them off until they left. My nex says "well, if she falls in that will teach her". My daughter and I just looked at each other flabbergasted. This is how they mistreat and abuse you. Of course you deserve it, don't you? He was like this even with his own children. Hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving Dr. C, Gus, and family! 🦃

[@roxymovie3938]

Justification comes the easiest way with blameshifting, which is giving away all responsibility to another person, which originally belongs to them. Remember my mother saying this to me over and over again, "You yourself have chosen your parents!!!"

[@sassyfrasskerr3272]

I'm new. Can't figure put how to comment yet. Tho I'm always blamed for everything then abused when I stand up for myself. Not sure if he's a narcissist, but his mother said he was... only after 7 years after being married. Any suggestions? I'm at my wits end

[@miras.9514]

Makes perfect 👌 sense in their reasoning. Don't fight it. Leave them to their perfection. I know I've left and only look forward and upward.

[@anonymousprivate6814]

Yes! My Mum said the same to me, tried to brainwash me with her twisted religious/new age beliefs. I do not see her in person anymore, only communication by post and text. She has mocked my autism and mental health issues and been nice to me at other times. I am seeking outside help.

[@brucefriedman1]

"It's for your own good."

[@PantaRhei-wz5zn]

Oh god, how i hate that line ....

[@Pier77Tampa]

"I am the victim" is a narcissist's middle name.

[@fred.k9875]

Narcissist is a victim, an abused victim so by abusing us he is welcoming us to his world,he makes us feel at home.

[@SteelyBlue2013]

This is sad and sucks in everyway, everyday. It does not have to be this way. Can't we all get along? I know the answer, yet, here I stand, still in hope.

[@sassyfrasskerr3272]

I almost feel addicted to the bull Kah-Kah

[@Hatbox948]

Misery loves company.

[@sassyfrasskerr3272]

@@Hatbox948 damn I never thought it would be me. . Sh^t

[@texasrefugee7888]

When I was growing up in a horribly dysfunctional narcissistic family I thought only physical abuse was abuse. Not until I crashed and went into therapy did I understand about mental emotional financial and all the other ways they do.

[@caroleminke6116]

The constant loop of fear/rage/envy then revenge & denial keeps the narcissist stuck in infancy… unable to separate & become an empowered individual with insight as well as emotional immaturity. Everyone eventually becomes the victim in an intimate relationship though I’ve found that the mother often refuses to see the truth about the preadolescent child in the adult. Instead the rest of us get used as secondary mommy supply if we enable this toxic behavior

[@PantaRhei-wz5zn]

Even if we don't enable it, we still end up as victim of their unregulated emotional drives. Anyone who is standing too closely to them - not protected by hierarchical status above them, is at risk of becoming the target. Only things you can do is: Keep as much distance away from them as you can (physical + emotional), try to avoid being dependent on them as much as you can muster + be correct & clear towards them ... and document the hell out of possibly dicey situations ...

[@MasoudJohnAzizi]

Narcissistic parents unconsciously generate narcissistic offspring, especially if they are followers of any religion or culture that brainwashed them into believing the delusion that they are "a chosen people superior to all other people"...

[@everett552]

"Well you did this and said that!"... After I called the former "friend" out on his foul behavior toward me. After 10 plus yrs, that was the beginning of the end for me. After the last abusive relationship I've just ended at that time, there was no way I was gonna put up with that behavior again from ANYONE!

[@georgeharris7448]

Blessings, Dr C. Thank you for all you do. ✨

[@lishmahlishmah]

They have the famous Narcissist Prayer . I don't know why it is named "prayer" ; this is a real Creed : That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.

[@texaspatty458]

BINGO !!

[@elcee7800]

It is officially the Narcissist Creed.

[@kenrinard4595]

I've heard all those statements so many times in my life seems like they have a memory loss, when confronted to why are you doing this

[@lishmahlishmah]

@@kenrinard4595 Same. When I read that "poem" (written by poetess Dayna Craig, google says) I thought the same as you, "I've heard these phrases so many times" , > in my case they were in Italian language (Italy here), still the "prayer-creed" is perfect literal translation in English of what I have heard in my language!!

[@pamelariley6694]

☝️☝️☝️

[@JL-kv2le]

I have a younger sister whom I've come to realize (after listening to Dr. C) is a covert Narcissist. She has been verbally abusive and threatening and it has been difficult to deal with her as our parents have aged. She lived near our parents and sadly, she became the Durable PofA for both parents, even though both parents had been diagnosed with Dementia and Cognitive Impairment. Our father recently has passed and my sister's behaviors have gotten worse. It is really disheartening.

[@seameology]

They loooove being POA's. More people to have power over.

[@mariegumpel4955]

Let them believe what they want to. They are never going to admit the truth anyway. Stand in your reality. Keep a journal so you can validate your self worth and your sanity. There is no winning with these people they have been damaged through genetics and or life experiences. .Make your point. If they aren't listening to you Disengage... protect yourself the best you can..Have really good attorneys to back you up if a legal dispute should arise...it isn't your responsibility to find out what their issues are or what makes them tick leave if you can when it is safe to do so. . and never look back..

[@RTWRTW-RTWRTW]

Think about it: the way certain secret services recruit new members is quite similar to what we observe in narcissistic dynamics.

[@carpediemsrce]

Yes, I am with a narcissistic sociopath so it is even worse tbh. Last week I was told to stfu, f**** shut up, fu**** shut up, stop being such a stubborn b***h, that I was stupid and borderline retarded for simply saying something about a topic he deemed himself an expert in. He got so angry he told me if I was a man, he would have punched me. After everything, I was the one who apologized cause I felt bad it seemed I was disagreeable. Then he said it was ok, he was too hard on me but that I was just annoying. This was the worst he has gotten so far. The next day he pretended like everything was back to normal. I got super emotional the day after and sent some messages. He said I was crazy and need to do some exercises to relax. Then he went silent a few days and didn't address everything I wrote, ignored it and started convo as normal again Btw he was in prison for nearly a decade and no remorse or guilt for his crimes, even boasted about it and said if these crimes happened centuries ago, he would have been head of a city. I know I have to get out of it...but it is hard.

[@gregoryritchie7852]

Thank you Dr.C.! I have been on the receiving end of the narcissist and find your videos really help clarify what's been going on.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased!

[@annettglass7290]

Hey Team Healthy friends 😊♥️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Hey Annett.

[@aaronkwolfe]

G’day Annett

[@misternibbles7426]

My ex narc has actually said I don't respect her, and that's why everything bad that happens to her happens.

[@1969kellyp]

I’d like to add that there is always a reason for things people do or say including abuse but never an excuse for it. I have done some terrible things and I have my reasons but not excusable. Learning your reasons but giving up excuses is the path to change.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Well stated.

[@duromusabc]

Justify - a fancy way of lying 🤥

[@LPVP123]

One of the most notable labels my father put on me in more recent times this is after calling me a imbecile my whole childhood was to call me a ( Torn Duce ) it took me a while to figure out what a torn Duce is ? A Duce is a two the lowest card in the deck and if the cards torn it’s a marked card so everyone who’s playing with the deck can easily get to know it’s the Duce , the two the lowest!

[@elcee7800]

😢

[@BemaSeatAcademy]

You are royalty ❤ worthy of love

[@miras.9514]

Sorry to hear you had to grow up with that sort of treatment. You didn't have the knowledge then, but now you do and that's what's most important. Narcs can't learn and grow where it matters, so they do those primitive, underhanded attacks until they are left alone to those same maladaptive devices. Let them get there!

[@77Shiloh7]

Thats heartbreaking ...to hear that your own Father called you that. Thats on HIM! BUT You are Free and no longer his victim. Many of us have been victims of Narcissistic abuse but are now able to see how sad and pathetic the Narcissist really is . Even if they were abused as children doesn't give them a special pass to abuse others. I wish you peace in Christ.

[@LPVP123]

@@77Shiloh7 Thank you 🙏

[@GodisLove143-32]

You're a hero ❤

[@Charmainecharmainecharmaine]

I’ve seen too many good people die and even commit suicide from these insidious, ill creatures.

[@GodisLove143-32]

I thank God for helping me find your videos 🙏 very helpful, you have no idea

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased. Cling to God's love.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

YOU drove me to drink, be in a bad mood etc etc blah blah blah!!!

[@gretcho27]

Woah, my ex literally did/said all of these in addition to stalking and harassing me. No one has ever betrayed me that way and it’s been very destabilizing. I can understand why he is the way he is and I know he does carry a significant amount of emotional pain, but it doesn’t excuse any of his abuse. I’d hoped eventually I could get through to him but finally realized even if he can change, he wasn’t going to do it for me or even if I was in his life. I appreciate your videos so much; you’ve helped me understand, at least cognitively, what I’m dealing with.

[@wakeupordie]

I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "Other people have done way worse". This is minimization in addition to justification.

[@vickiezaccardo1711]

Oh geez! I get that one all the time! " You are the only one that gets me like this!" " "I was having a good day til I got in your car!"

[@seameology]

I remember complaining to my stepmother about the nexes behavior. She told me that I was over reacting and making things sound worse than they were. She got the nexes side of the story. It isn't until now, that I'm learning about narcs, that she was one, too. Standing up for another narc. Her and my narc father had a very toxic marriage as well. The picture she painted of me was so unreal. I now understand why she didn't like me.

[@julieb8445]

Needed to hear this after was ambushed by my ex husband this weekend. I’m now no contact and our daughter is 18. No more abuse

[@meow2u22]

That's also called DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

[@miras.9514]

They have all kinds of convoluted carnival rides at their disposal. Another one that this reminds me of is the hall of mirrors 🪞. Sometimes it's a perfect you, gorgeous, elegant, sophisticated etc, sometimes you're disfigured, lumpy, stretched-compressed, but you're never you. You're never the real you, not to say anything how your inner life isn't even taken in. It's this or that version of your reflection, but it can drive you crazy if you let go of your real self, so don't. Know yourself and don't go into their zombie-attack game.

[@rossanderson5243]

If they make a confession, be sure there’ll be push back and then revenge, such is resentment and not forgiveness.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are quite accurate, Ross.

[@Auntigenjen]

I appreciate that you offer solutions and strategies. Thank you!~

[@PixieCropCircleDuster]

"You had it coming" . Translation: " You reacted to my tartgetting, stalking, information abuse, Smear campaign, Flying Monkkeys, isolation, triangulation, financial, psychological, emotional, physical abuse...So naturally i had i to deal with you the way a narcissistist does because that's my capacity for problem solving, making it worse by using my blunt tools that were the problem in the first place ". Thanks Dr. Carter.

[@sassyfrasskerr3272]

Im about to do a deep dive. Find my strength

[@miras.9514]

Best to deep dive into some Little Shaman. I think you'll enjoy her no bull approach.

[@BaraSchmidt]

All THEIR winge-y, cringe-y carping at us is only THEIR justification for THEIR consternation! Not taking that on board is a choice. So is... Staying Healthy!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I so love your perspectives, Bara.

[@hauntedsalmon7931]

Quote from a disturbed individual justifying destroying my property and claiming I berated them. “You think you’re better than me because you had parents that loved you and didn’t disown you like mine did!”

[@jeanaallison7236]

Gus is love 🐶🐾💕

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Indeed he is.

[@PaigeSquared]

"they don't have a good handle on who you are," but damn are they good at bluffing!! When I finally saw it, it was SO offensive. He didn't even know me at all. He was just talking shit.

[@jeankipper6954]

Justice might be nice. It seems unlikely. I'm reminded of the story, "Walk a mile in their shoes." What I REALLY want is to QUIT being in the game altogether. Just not care about what they want AND not be affected by what they do. Spend my precious life with good people, doing heart-filling things. Calmly and peacefully. This is more work than we think. And FAR better than being in the mud, hopelessly struggling with someone, and their rules and behavior that we cannot affect or change. I've not found a different course easy: I often haven't a clear idea what to do. But what NOT to do is often clear. And worthwhile.

[@maryberry8331]

This has been a lifesaving channel for me Dr C. Thank you!🙏

[@kre8504]

Amen2that: My parents know me not. The R past away & are being judged for their heartlessness w/in the family against each other & against me & for their improper raising of me. I’ve had to raise myself & am now healing from it all.

[@robynsettler6747]

Thank you so much for this content. Can I ask, if possible, can you make a video/ video series on how to build the proper mindsets, paradigm shifts and perspectives of self, other and the world for victims of narcissistic abuse. I know that therapy would be useful in this case but for those who don't have financial or physical access to it.

[@lishmahlishmah]

I support your request. Meanwhile, a possible emergency measure for impossible situations (with highly manipulative individuals) can be the CBR method by professor Daniel N. Jones. Check his talk on TEDxReno video "How to recognize a master manipulator. Use their strategies against them" *Note* > Jones emphasizes that while these tactics are useful for dealing with toxic individuals, they should not be applied in healthy relationships, where mutual respect and empathy are paramount.

[@robynsettler6747]

@@lishmahlishmah thank you for the plug.

[@Esther15889]

I still don't understand how could he do that... I welcomed him, accepted him, spent so many nights comforting him, and when I expressed how I felt and how much I suffer because of his treatment of me, and yes, I was hurt and angry, but, never called him names, he verbally abused, called me awful, just unspeakably awful names, and in the end, said how it's just a matter of incompatibility, and how I was abusive toward him and didn't accomodate his needs. I'm devastated, I don't understand the twisting of the reality.

[@dorothyblair6741]

Isn't it usually "you made me do it"

[@brianhill6842]

Can you ever discuss emotional abuse in dating. Mixed messages etc? Guys I’ve dated always love bomb me in the first months, then discard me before the first year is even up. At least I think this is what is happening. In so at a loss with it it’s starting to become very hurtful.

[@melissarafter1158]

So needed to hear this

[@RatedArggg]

And they get so confused when you disappear from their lives.

[@sheri6089]

Over 3 decades been free of this relationship, smeared to daughter, grandkids, family, even tons now. Apparently the rest of my life, tho' live states away, will be this smear.

[@Teacher369]

Thank you, Dr Carter ☀️ ❤️ ☮️

[@markjayw666]

DARVO

[@fred.k9875]

Please listen to the song: “Paper Gods” By: DURAN DURAN.

[@no.9961]

In my experience according to them none of it ever happened none of it

[@rosinacapace9872]

Great topic!

[@eagleeye2300]

Love you so much, Dr. Carter. God bless you and Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours ..a big MWAH! to Gus!!❤

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I thank you, and Gus thanks you!

[@irisscot101]

Thank you❤

[@angiespiva5304]

😕 one thing I say in group sessions all the time is that I noticed that none of my other friends ever talk to me the way that my ex-husband did or anyone that I get with that has narcissistic traits. Seems like they kind of follow me around, or at least in my own circle. I picked them.

[@simplecomplicated1394]

Why is that every single word you speak is so true about that behavior.... how deeply much have you studied them Sir I wonder??

[@victordevonshire807]

I don't think you can deal with them? Even if you try to walk away they will find another way to f**k your life up. The only way is for them to seek therapy and that will only enable them to abuse others. ❤🙏

[@holdtherecipe]

good morning Dr. Carter, I have been processing my relationship w my mother for some years now. I benefit from content about narcissism because, whether my mom is a narc or not (I'm not interested in diagnosing her) the strategies like gray rock are effective on her, so I do them. That said, I have come to wonder if my mom is actually a narcissist or just emotionally immature and/or unavailable, which I think is quite common among her age group due to the way they were raised. I'm curious if you have any insight into differentiating between these types. according to her, her mother/sister are narcissists - which if true, would explain why she has attachment issues.

[@Ellenmaureensheehy]

BINGO!! Story of my life!!!

[@LouisLuzuka]

😢

[@vickiezaccardo1711]

Nick of time

[@heathermjordan-durant8684]

❤

[@kashashaw79]

Kasha from the north woods

[@mbi9005]

How is Gus feeling...?

[@dragonfolkstudios]

💙☮️💙

[@victordevonshire807]

I don't know if there is God how the cards are shuffled (is that not a God thing? 🤣🤠🤪). It is how it is. I know I'm far from perfect. Very far from perfect but it's one of those buts. I'm not even going to continue with this text. One thing for sure is if you try to get inside another person's thinking you will go insane. ❤🙏🤠🙏. Thank you.❤

[@RTWRTW-RTWRTW]

😂.

[@michaelgarrow3239]

Um,,, teach you a lesson- for your own good, ya know… 🤕