A Covert Narcissist's Long Game

[@TheForeverfree1]

Someone said "The people going to counseling are there - because the ones who should be there don't go".

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I get it.

[@mrvapor4791]

@@SurvivingNarcissism You understand allot

[@MrAbsalomdavid]

I love that @TheForeverFree1

[@MrAbsalomdavid]

The worst part about being with the narcissist is that you almost have to become a narcissist to get over them. It is such a horrible way to live

[@treetop1283]

Sad but true. I feel like i’m dealing with a covert narcissist and i now find myself behaving like her just to keep my peace

[@mrsherwood2599]

I hate the darkness I found in myself.

[@Chericherry4]

It’s all about expectations. Don’t have any and the narcissist can’t disappoint you. Just live your life.

[@nishattasnimnishee]

Soo true

[@DeleteExistence]

​@@mrsherwood2599 why? The darkness can show you the light.

[@shiny7301]

"Consistently inconsistent, reliably unreliable" is the best summary for covert narcissists💯🎯Most dangerous type of narcissism is exactly covert. They are kings/queens of dramas and extremely professional in shame-shifting, blame-shifting and any other kind of traps. It may be impossible to recognize them during a lifetime.Thanks for your precious efforts and contributions Dr. Carter 🙏🏻❤

[@gailrosenberg8754]

Very well said!

[@shiny7301]

@@gailrosenberg8754 God bless you Gail🌺🙏🏻

[@gailrosenberg8754]

@@shiny7301 God bless you, sister in Y'shua.

[@stevejohnson747]

Yes helping them turns into a personal loss and failure.

[@shiny7301]

@@stevejohnson747 👍Exactly true since it's impossible to satisfy their greed and never ending delusional expectations..

[@renebernays5774]

covert, narcissistic abuse ... one of the things that make it so difficult to deal with is that no one wants to believe you about what you're going through

[@salettamyers8845]

In the end it is a gift, to know those are the ones who were never your "true friends"- its painful but it does pass💙

[@michelepascoe6068]

I relate. I had to finally just accept that they believe whatever they like, and let them go. Even if they're passive, not accusing you outright, but also laughing off the narcissist's words and behaviour, trying to stay neutral, they are actually against you. That's what I found with my relatives, anyway. They don't want a fuss, so they'd rather ignore it, while you are mistreated.

[@michelepascoe6068]

@@RN-gx7wt what's IPV?

[@michelepascoe6068]

@@RN-gx7wt thanks. I didn't know the term, abbreviated. So sorry for people who are physically and/or sexually abused in addition to psychological and emotional abuse, which is traumatic already.

[@michelepascoe6068]

@@RN-gx7wt thanks. You too.

[@jswan312]

The thing about covert narcs is how after years together, they don't care about you at all. At the end of a 4 year relationship you realize you were just a warm body filling up a space for them in their emptiness. It's soul-crushing. That's why being with a narc is so destructive emotionally, it's not all of the abuse, it's that you never mattered to them at all.

[@michellepurcell8703]

Totally know where you are coming from😢

[@mariacarmelaperez3912]

I couldn’t agree more. Just got out from the person who never see my worth

[@kalwi222]

@justcallmeshuga stay strong! Don't do drugs. You got this!

[@oreoleo6795]

Exactly. It took me 11-12 years to figure him out. I just did a month ago & now I am playing the long game to get out

[@MJ-qb5ph]

Terrifying true - it took me 60 years to finally accept this is the majority of my family cult system

[@carolkozikowski9132]

Shy, quiet, unassuming. My family thought he was such a good guy. When it was just us he was cold, envious of other people, sulky, unresponsive, and low energy. I became physically ill from his lies, coldness, and underhanded manipulation of everything. Run from the cover narcissist. They should come with a warning label

[@freedomtownn]

Exactly describes this guy I was with.

[@brucefrasier1475]

Yes!...☣️ ☠️ ⚠️ 🚫 🚧 etc, etc, etc!...

[@TheSahand68]

Well, ideally, they should come with a warning label, but they don't. They are very, very good at disguise. That's the problem. One should have ability and training or knowledhe to recognize "red flags". This is why Dr. Carter's videos are so valuable.

[@elaineknox1023]

Exactly like the guy I was with...and I was sick all the time because he was an energy vampire. I haven't been ill but one time since the break up 6 years ago. Living a good life now.

[@tomodonnell1436]

I'm all for a scarlet letter type forehead tattoo, covered by insurance. The general public has a right to know.

[@JonnyBlade]

It took decades before I realised that my dad wasn't the opposite of my egotistical, toxic mom. He was just the calmer, slyer, smarter, more quiet version of her....

[@liz_holland]

My covert narcissistic ex husband actually admitted to his behaviours (stonewalling, gaslighting, lying, passive aggression) during a therapy session during our separation, but didn’t apologize or take responsibility for the behaviour or the impact on me, and by the end of the session was blaming me for everything again. The therapist found this interesting and I found her perspective helpful! She said intellectually he takes responsibility for these things because he knows that’s what he’s supposed to do, but it’s like there is a disconnect, and he doesn’t have the capacity to take responsibility genuinely on an emotional level - to admit his faults would threaten his sense of reality and self; he needs to remain blameless.

[@B.D.E.]

This comment really hits the nail on the head. That's exactly what my ex was like. The cognitive ability to occasionally realise what she was doing, but didn't have the emotional maturity or psychological strength to face that reality for more than a few hours at a time. She had to be the victim no matter what.

[@jaialaiwarrior]

That's good that she recognized that and summarized the problem so well. Many therapists will be tricked and fooled by narcs and fall under their spell.

[@butwhyWHYnot]

@liz_holland So sorry that you are going through this. I can feel each word you are saying. How are you doing now ? Did it end up any good after therapy?

[@Thatonechick778]

Wow I’m surprised he actually admitted it. That’s usually part of their gaslighting game convincing you and everyone else that it’s not happening and you imagined it. Maybe it was another manipulation tactic, making it seem like they’re “taking accountability”. I’ve always thought how exhausting it must be to be them, always plotting and planning. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. Hopefully you’re on your way to healing

[@theideaplace]

I never felt controlled or manipulated until one day I just woke up and thought.... everything I am doing is for him and there's nothing coming back... he did it so cleverly that I didn't realize it was happening... all of my efforts were to make him happy... because they always seem sad... dejected..off somehow... everyone wants to come to their aid... Meanwhile they are gutting all your sources of support... friendships.. family.. anyone... they want it all for themselves... it's awful.. suddenly you don't know who you are anymore... feel like no one likes you when before people always liked you... its so ugly

[@jordanferguson2254]

This is similar to when people give advice or suggest you go into a situation. Do they have an agenda? Will they benefit from this so called altruistic advice or you being in that certain situation? Is this advice for you, or is it a cloaked request or command? They'll wrap it in a way to make it seem like your decision and something you would logically want. Do you do what you do because it's intrinsic, or is someone else doing the thinking? We can even bring up how people present things to get their way. For instance, a man might want someone to own and control in every way, someone to wait on him instead of a partner, so he'll brand being a housewife as this oh so moral and beautiful thing. There's nothing beautiful about codependency.

[@CeeJay190488]

That sums me up completely. I didn’t realise until one day I woke up & realised everything I do daily other than my job is/was for him. To keep him happy & all of the things I used to do for myself that I enjoyed no longer existed. Even silly things such as weekly face masks or fake tanning. Completely lost myself. Leaving soon, anxious but excited.

[@JuliaRock-o9p]

Mind blowing how it happens. I see it happening to my daughter 😢

[@lanaivanovic5272]

@@CeeJay190488 Great, good luck!! ❤️

[@gabriellewhalley1328]

Thank you for your succinct description

[@Michael_Arguello]

Hi everyone. It’s obvious, we aren’t alone in our suffering. And we aren’t alone in our struggle. And we are stronger than we realize.

[@aaronkwolfe]

I’m using #yana a lot. You Are Not Alone.

[@amberc3728]

❤

[@techmail5820]

Absolutely! We must move on!

[@shoolbhritdarshan8244]

Hi Michael

[@hopeinhumanity.]

❤️

[@magiao880]

I had a hard time forgiving myself for falling for that person.

[@kathleenjbazan5563]

I know what you mean. However, I was very young at the time and was blindsided by his kindness. My therapist has been very helpful in that area, you do the best you can at the time. It’s not your fault you were duped by him/her. The sooner you forgive yourself the easier it is to move forward on the path of healing. Good luck.

[@fainitesbarley2245]

Give yourself a break. These people are good at what they do. It’s all they do.

[@PascaleTaradoux]

Absolutely, I suffered the same. Forget ever getting an apology from them. It took a long time to forgive myself for not seeing the abuse earlier. I had to educate myself to understand I was abused for years which clarified everything in my marriage. All the pieces of the puzzle got put together.

[@samanthawilliams5520]

@@fainitesbarley2245that part!

[@SouLightness]

Remember. Intermittent reinforcement. Like pavlov dogs...

[@Unebellecreole]

Unfortunately, I am married to a covert narcissist and what you described is EXACTLY what I have been experiencing. Your videos have helped me so much to see right through the game and to read between the LIES. I am strategically trying to find my way out of this toxic situation for it is not a real marriage the way God intended a marriage to be and I KNOW it. I have learned the painful lessons and want nothing more but to move on with my life. To his friends and family he is this great guy. But behind closed doors he is a heartless, cold, mean, selfish, unkind, condescending, arrogant disrespectful, and a professional liar, who could not care less how he makes a woman feels.

[@surlif]

Sadly, I could have written these exact words.

[@katthompson3852]

I've just watched this and left my comment. In the same boat. It's a shocking thing to realise your marriage is all smoke and mirrors. Dr C segment on grey rock is imperative... as is the one about not getting hooked/set up when baited. My Jerkyl/Hyde is a information gatherer which he then uses for set up for destruction of opportunity. If you want out... do it as softly quietly and carefully. If This species identifies what you are doing they will work to sabotage and destroy. Being the ogre to someone's lamb routine is horrible. Unhook, dont engage, get support around you, and quietly softly back step out. Good luck.

[@georgegavallos4519]

You are right. This is almost evil. The father of lies is Lucifer. Hang in there. I feel your struggle. From a fellow abused victim from a narcissistic spouse. 😕

[@RKJMJ]

I too can relate. It always astonishes me how all their energy and efforts go outward to others, just for attention and then when he gets home, all of a sudden he is exhausted and is totally not there for you as a couple. And wants you to take over and let him do whatever he wants.

[@Alice-fr1ef]

They care nothing about how anyone feels because it is all about them and what they want. You are merely the supplier of what he wants.

[@imnoel8214]

To us, it's life. To the narcissist, it's a game. Knowledge is power. Thank you Dr. Carter, you are helping to save lives.

[@scrappydappydoo]

Amen. Great comment. 👍👍

[@noneyourbusiness7311]

Not just A GAME but a game they MUST WIN AT ALL COSTS!!! BE CAREFUL!! some are literally dangerous!!

[@chayo4537]

And that's the problem. The narcissist and all the encompasses it IS your life. For the narC it is a game. .you can take pointers from them in that aspect of them taking people and life as a game and quit them

[@4DIVID7]

Straight up, it’s really a shame I take life so seriously. And I had someone I thought I was working with just an opponent an enemy and something to win, a game I don’t want to play. Not with my heart on the line.

[@AimeeL73]

I never realized it was a game for so many years. I just wanted peace and resolution, but after many years I realized that was never an option.

[@laloj2236]

I unfortunately have my own narcissistic behavior and dated a girl for 3 years who was also a covert narcissist. I became self aware of my narcissism from observing her. I began to try to better myself and tried to get her to improve as well. She dug her heels in the sand so I had to leave. I am still working on myself but I am thankful for becoming aware of my issues.

[@pablo65315]

Well done keep going

[@suerodman1054]

Sure, sure sure

[@JocelynLRice]

We all have narcissistic tendencies; that you can recognize and reflect and WANT to be a better person speaks volumes. Keep going!😊

[@christinesargent5434]

Good for you

[@nishattasnimnishee]

Wow that’s hard to believe as I heard it’s pretty much not curable.

[@liz_holland]

This is my ex husband almost to a T. The most important thing I remind myself of is that it was all extremely subtle. Underneath all the seemingly nice stuff, there was this subtle manipulation and degrading going on. He was incredibly loving and caring and did a lot to make effort in the relationship, and I actually thought we were very happy most of the time. Yet from time to time (every month or few months) he would stonewall me, gaslight me, lie, be passive aggressive, and if he acknowledged responsibility for an inappropriate behaviour or mistake (like lying to me), by the end of the conversation he had somehow turned the responsibility back onto me - even this was done subtly and said nicely, so it seemed like we were having a mature, communicative conversation. His putdowns were extremely subtle but demeaning - in the moment they seemed like innocent comments - and they slowly degraded my self-confidence. Slowly things became more apparent. But it was always subtle. Ultimately I asked myself, do I want to be in a marriage with a person who is passive aggressive and with whom I don’t feel emotionally safe? Then the answer was easy.

[@gillianbrookwell1678]

I wasted over forty years of my life with a narcissitic husband before I just gave up and left; They give out mixed messages, they pretend to care about you, but then turn around and insult your intelligence. It's taken me years to get over it, and I'm still learning to trust others. Thank you Dr. Carter, I love your informative videos.

[@amberc3728]

❤

[@dirgesinthedark5637]

Your not alone on taking years.

[@goldbrick2563]

What made you stay for 40 years (4 decades)? Just curious cause I see a lot of these comments and it seems hard to believe that the person stayed for that long.

[@pjmrees]

@@goldbrick2563 Hi. I can explain from my point of view. I was raised by 2 narcs one malignant and one cerebral. I was conditioned to be the fixer and was blamed for everything that a child should and could never be responsible for. It is ALL YOU KNOW. I was told i was my older sisters keeper and I had to take care of her too. Then I was discarded at 17 with no where to live and no explanation why. I looked for someone to finally love me but was easily duped because anger, violence and belittling was all I knew as love anyway. Getting tiny bread crumbs of fake love was better than what i had known and they are masters of deceit and lies so you believe your the problem. Not to mention you are REPEATEDLY told you're the problem and a piece of crap which is why you were treated bad as a child and no one wants you but them so feel lucky that you have what you have. Hope this helps explain why.

[@goldbrick2563]

@@pjmrees thank you for sharing, this really helps to understand. I am sorry for all the pain you endured. By sharing your experiences, you are making a big difference to whoever reads this comment and needs to understand what people go through.

[@MaurettaDecker]

They shapeshift

[@teresamacey4012]

Sad to say it took 44 years for me to understand what had happened to me, It has taken six years of very hard work to recover from complex PTSD and two nervous breakdowns requiring hospitalization. I am now free because he died suddenly while trying to divorce me, I am making these the best years of my life.

[@michellepurcell8703]

Good on you 👍

[@bernieyuen8445]

These deaths we celebrate upon! Hallelujah!

[@Thatonechick778]

Oh wow. What a blessing. Hopefully you were the one to get the financial benefit after he died. I managed to leave mine after 7 years though we never married. Part of me wished mine would’ve passed bc then I felt like it would’ve been easier to close that chapter. Not only for my own peace, but knowing that he wouldn’t be able to hurt any others. I hope you’re healing well since.

[@teresamacey4012]

@@Thatonechick778 thank you. Forgiveness for the harm is healing. Letting go of the past is a must. Not worrying about the future is also important. Learn mindfulness to avoid rumination. Put your faith in God. He is the Healer.

[@Thatonechick778]

@@teresamacey4012 This experience has lead me back to my faith so that’s a positive. I am doing my best to continue to work on forgiveness for my ex and also myself for putting up with it for so long. Looking forward to mass tomorrow ❤️

[@fesalatijannati5677]

Is it possible that someone is a narcissist to only one person and treats everyone else as a nice person? He only hurts me. He is a great father and wonderful brother and son, friend, an excellent worker - all of his employers love him. But as soon as he is with me it's all over.

[@KaarinaKimdaly]

It is indeed possible. Sounds like he is using you to dump his toxicity. I have seen it happen before. Best wishes. Les Carter is one of the very best sources of reliable online education regarding narcissism with the important plus that he is compassionate.

[@judimunro9279]

Yes. But it might be there’s hidden supply you don’t know about.

[@ClaytonHoughland]

Maybe you could be the problem by being combative, disagreeable, argumentative and just have the need to try to control everything. if he’s such a great man shut up and let him lead. I guarantee you’ll see a different man.

[@fesalatijannati5677]

@@ClaytonHoughland I don't really get much of a chance to be any of those things as he is highly abuse. For example, he is lenient towards others in all other areas of life, but when we're alone he seems to find alot of faults in me. It could be something so simple as forgetting an apple for his lunch. Its incredibly difficult and I'm not sure how to handle this. What I see, is perhaps he cares alot of how society views him where as with me he let's down that shield/mask.

[@fesalatijannati5677]

@@KaarinaKimdaly yes I've just come across him and learning alot! He has a great way of explaining things.

[@mday3821]

It is cruel what Coverts do to their children. They not only ruin lives, but they rob that child of who he/she was meant to be. They steal our lives from us. My Covert mother made me believe it was my fault we didn't have a good relationship just to learn later in life it was always her & she really hated me.🤢 It's a roller coaster ride you can't get off.

[@lanitaaltom3224]

Ditto! My mother has always blamed my choice of friends for why our relationship was not close "anymore", this was in my later teens. Then when i married an older guy and got pregnant and was ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE AND ALONE she was always busy with her friends, sisters, co workers like going to lunch, shopping and phone talking tp the extreme. She NEVER one time invited me out or tried to befriend me AT ALL! Icalled her usually everynight. I was so so lonely and sad. She would get ticked at me and holler at me. Then as soon as I got older with friends again then it was back to what a bad daughter i was and how "all other daughters do so much for and with THEIR MOTHERS! WHY DO I TREAT HER LIKE THIS? Kids are just sorry thêse days UNLESS its an example of a certain kid and a certain parent that the kid JUST ABSOLUTELY DOES THE WORLD FOR THAT PARENT AND TREATS THEM LIKE ROYALTY! AND THAT PARENT WASNT HALF THE PARENT THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN. " Anyway I have not been ENOUGH since I guess I was around 10 or 11 years old. When i started growing up....all hell broke out and i get all the blame. She cant even see it!

[@jackieshrimpton9770]

Wise words indeed. Can totally empathise x

[@mday3821]

@@lanitaaltom3224 I am very sorry that you had to go through what should had been a great experience between mother & daughter wasn't. I guess, narc mothers don't like their daughters to have kids for some reason. Maybe it's because it takes the attention off of them. My own mother use to steal from me ever since I was a kid always blamed my brother. I found out because I had to move back home and she stolen half of my shoe collection, CDs, money, credit card, etc. She disrespect me and treated me like I was dirt on her feet. But at the end, she died and no one & I mean no one cared. She lost everything and was completely miserable for the last few yrs of her life. Narcissists really do get what they sow. My mother's death was not peaceful. She looked scared or something, but it wasn't peaceful. They get what is coming to them. I hope you are healing & know your mother can never see you the way you wish she could. Mine never did even at the age of 77 yrs old.❤️

[@ericachitwood2465]

@@mday3821 my mother outright told me she did NOT want me to have a child bc she would be jealous. Yes she said this. Sad thing about it, when she said this is I felt like she loved me so much she did not want to share me. That's how starved I am for her love. Then it hits me, it's not about me, it's about the SPOTLIGHT would be off her. It's the most painful thing ever!

[@dandelion9369]

I am in the same boat here 🥺😞...

[@davidemm829]

As Sandra L. Brown says, " psychopathy is THE # 1 public health threat" thank you for this platform..

[@realhealing7802]

This is exactly why I went no contact. You give everything and get nothing but abuse!

[@adaisip6962]

Me too

[@jamaalhorton2343]

Or being used

[@jawnsolo0]

It’s amazing how Machiavellian these people can be without ever reading a book on the subject.

[@Uberqueenbee]

It's innate

[@kathyadair8552]

"Instinctual," lnter-species Predatory PARASITES!

[@jillianminton8506]

It’s an upside down phyche , so once ya know the 12 archetypes of conciouness it’s easy to spot

[@beckyoneal738]

@@Uberqueenbee Yes, devils are born, not made.

[@desertgirlwarrior1921]

'The ends justifies the means!!" YUP!!! 💯 SPOT ON!👌

[@grayrock179]

Spot-on … they have “written the script and your input is not necessary” eye-opening comment

[@sandyhenry3238]

When a Narcissist thinks you maybe actually leaving..They will act like they will do everything to fix it..Once they think they have you again..They slowly going back to their old ways

[@dalenemarie]

Yes! My husband does this all the time!

[@bernieyuen8445]

I've known the covert narcissist for 5 years and we were good friends. He was the king of deceit and guess what card game he loves to play competitively? You guessed it. POKER. On year 3, he played the victim of not having a place to go, no one cares for him and he has no future so my family and I took him in. On the surface, he acted as the sweet, shy, innocent, helpful, timid and soft-spoken individual. But behind that facade, revealed the most wicked, cruel, scheming and sinister demon. I made it clear that I am not into relationships and he said we could be super close friends instead and he would respect my boundaries. And you guessed again, all boundaries were broken and trespassed upon. He even tried to rape me. He eventually tried to lead the life of my family and mine. We saw through all this and banded together to take out the covert narcissist in steps. When he was on vacation, we took out all of his belongings and put it in a storage for him to pick up. Sent an email with no explanation and emotions. It's been peaceful for 2 full months!!! Yes, they don't reveal their cards in the beginning but if they reveal their sadness and pain to you within the first 10 minutes of meeting, GET THE HELL OUT! Don't fall for the trap despite the pain being real or not. A genuine person will gradually and slowly share their wounds with you. A covert narc will use it as a bait from the getgo.

[@davidm4566]

I believe that sometimes they are so covert that they hide it even from themselves. They don't see what they do as wrong and truly feel like they are a victim. They probably experienced abuse once and actually used to be the victim, but now they have become the abuser.

[@davidm4566]

@@RN-gx7wt Thanks. I've hear that term but never really knew what it meant.

[@acornlucy2]

They KNOW. They’re playing you - never underestimate the level,of their toxicity, pathology and hatred of you. No matter what they say, they know exactly what they’re doing. If they express remorse, it’s a tactic to manipulate you. Please realize they will never change and never feel,remorse, it’s all part of their pathology

[@tnt01]

@@acornlucy2 100%

[@johnnyyak515]

Lucy I disagree with you. If all narcissists knew what they were doing more would seek help. Also I’m a Narcissist so I’m never gonna let you be right.

[@margaretcraigva]

I know this person! Hanging out with her is like having an all-day stomachache. If things aren’t going her way, she makes everyone miserable, like a dementor. All that’s missing is the cloak.

[@rhamm2469]

28 years - 3 children!! RUN !!! Don’t stay !!! You’ll be broken & your children - it’s so sad ! The narcissist only truly cares for himself.

[@tradfam8850]

I did feel foolish when I finally understood. Thank you again for your advice.

[@michaelpage4113]

"They've already written the script." That's huge. I've been trying to understand the attitude and behaviour of a toxic person in my extended family for months. Maybe years. I thought I had heard it all, but this hit home, big time. They do not want, or need, *any* input from the people in their lives. They've already decided on your role and function. They do not want a relationship. They want supply, and they wil orchestrate everything to that end. They will not even collaborate in order to achieve it - you must dance *entirely* to their tune. They give *nothing* and expect *everything*.

[@cobracrew1986]

& their brains always write the script in the sense of you being the perpetrator and themselves being the victim.

[@gigicolada]

Your comment gave me chills. I’m going to screen shot it and re read it when I need to. It’s almost like they are robots. They can’t help themselves and it hurts 😢

[@trishabensonpriesmeyer5044]

This is exactly what I have described without knowing that other people felt this way as well… My husband never allows me to have an opinion and if my opinion differs from his, I get the ‘look’ and I get dismissed and he wonders why I want a divorce

[@sianfinselbach]

Myself and my husband are going thru this with our son. Since being with his (now) wife, he's consistently put us down in front of her, even tho he was always very loving and close to us. We get on great with all our family, our daughter, friends and strangers but since he's been with her we've been treading on eggshells, watching everything we say as we get a message saying we've 'upset' her..the slightest little thing...we can't do anything right. Her family are 'the best' and we are no longer wanted by him. When our beautiful granddaughter was born nearly 2 years ago, we've been stopped every which way from seeing her and he hasn't acknowledged us for a year. We did everything to love, support and help him and suddenly we're being 'punished' for something...we don't know what! We're devastated and have tried everything to put things right. Heartbreaking. We have a wonderful relationship with our daughter and her family. He's made us feel unwanted, unloved and never good enough.

[@solitairecat1]

I'm dealing with a similar situation. Do you think she's manipulating him? I believe my D I L is a covert narcissist and is trying to eliminate us from his life.

[@OptimumBritannis]

This is very interesting. After a two month period of devaluation (withdrawal, blaming me for problems she created etc) I actually broke it off with her. It was the first time she did this in a 2 year relationship. I think it was an unrelenting attempt to trauma bond me... but I rejected it!!!

[@lilane259]

I can’t describe how gutted I was when I explained to a therapist that “ this guy changed immediately as soon as our first child came” and went on to say that prior to marriage he would be understanding, talkative, interested in everything I had to say…. and she went on to say „ well, there you go, so he did care about you“. It was like „whoosh“. I felt betrayed and I ditched her a few weeks later

[@desertangelfish140]

Good choice.👍

[@lilane259]

@CCRider ha, I think she subtly blamed me for not appreciating him and being blind to others‘ good qualities but either way this is no way to do therapy😞

[@lilane259]

@CCRider you are absolutely right. I never went to a marriage councellor but I knew my ex too well. I could see him charming the pants off of them and at the end I would be the emotional mess who would need fixing. No-one can change the narcissist and ppl need to realise this asap and run…..

[@kathleenjbazan5563]

@@lilane259 we went once for counseling and that was it. He turned on the charm, lied, and tried his old tricks on her. Walking out of there I knew I would never step into counseling with him again, luckily I was taking the first step on my healing journey separating myself from his bs and believing anything he says and knowing it’s all just a game to him.

[@lilane259]

@@kathleenjbazan5563 you did good, noone should have to put up with this

[@msmacmac1000]

Bingo. Intermittent reinforcement kept me confused for over 40 years. Trauma bonded. Silent Treatment. Shaming. Out now. Thank the goddesses.❤ Thanks for all you do, Dr C. 🙏🏼🙏🏼

[@MJ-qb5ph]

For me the final cut was breaking the trauma bond - which was incredibly strong

[@TheBigdog868]

Blessed be and I'm glad you got free 🌞🌙

[@quentinadkins432]

Bingo !!

[@techmail5820]

Yes, Bingo!

[@annbritanilsson]

Yep this is so hard. Being frozen out and persona non grata for ages and then being shamed for putting up with it lol. No winning. And then heroes journey once you are discarded because technically they ended the misery. Nice one eh.

[@katthompson3852]

Duped for over 35 years of marriage. I'm the villain in his Mr jerkyl/hyde script. So chronic to be so isolated both physically and zero friends hadn't worked for a decade. Started watching your feed. Now doing a degree at uni. Understand this behavior and are out of the game enough to work out his predictable punishment strategies and not get hooked. Now have a couple of safe places with friends is necessary. Thank you doesn't cut it. Neither does life saver. Actually sensed my inner self for the first time in decades the other day. God he knows. Love you Dr C.

[@cyndim8785]

I’m with you.. We met in “83” Married in “87” you just wrote my story. I have a business degree that I don’t use, no job, no friends. I only get to have contact with my middle daughter who uses the hell out of me knowing her dad would do anything for her through me. My kids never celebrate my birthdays. My oldest daughter and son are substance abusers, they don’t have time for me. My husband calls me at least 10 times a day, boy if I don’t answer within the first two rings shits gonna hit the fan. If I act like I want to get off of the phone he will accuse me of talking to someone else, the call ends when he says it is over. I went without a cell for years and I loved it. Being out shopping for food is a real joy to me, it’s so peaceful. After he got me a cellphone and security cams around my house he knows when I come and go. He said that it’s for my protection. He calls me “Babydoll” when his is a good mood, I hate that name. I got a summons for jury duty and he told me to make up some lame excuse not to do it. I told him that’s my civil duty and I will do it. I think to myself why do I need his permission to do anything I am a grownup now and don’t need his approval. We’ve been on one vacation and that was to the Smoky Mountains, childhood memories for him. He won a cruise through his work over 22 years ago. I do not call Camping a vacation, I HATE CAMPING! Why do people that has a home want to vacation like homeless people? But that is the only way I get out of the house in the summertime. His excuse is “We can’t leave his dog with nobody”. I found myself talking to strangers at the store just so I know that I am still human. It’ Friday again, two and a half days full of him and nothing else and if I don’t piss him off he might take me out to a drive through to get a burger. His has told me that I’m lucky to have him because nobody else can’ stand me. I have had the same neighbor’s for 20 year and I don’t even know the wife’s name. Thanks Dr.C Now I know that I’m not “crazy” like he tells me everyday..

[@amberc3728]

❤

[@katthompson3852]

Cyndie M it's really hard and I hear your voice. Your situation is difficult. Setting boundaries can be hard. Two things. Bullies are cowards. Boundaries need to be set. For me uni was a premium choice because you enter a community that offers apart from education many avenues of support. But... and this is huge... a community. A community that your jerkyl/hyde can't intrude into. If you choose to do even one paper... it gives you a sense of purpose, respite, and if there is objection again two things... you are being mindful of difficult times and are 'potentially' working to contribute... you know to help him. And if he objects to it ... it would be really hard for him not to appear as a jerk. Kids can be difficult but you never know you just may lead them into a better life. Remember grey rock. .. set boundaries... dont get baited... just do it. Empower yourself and walk away. Good luck.

[@denicehaley9902]

@@cyndim8785 I empathize with you since we’re both walking in the same hellish shoes. I’m reinforcing my boundaries, grey rocking, and trusting in the Lord for my damaged wellbeing. Much prayers and blessings to you! 🙏🙏

[@katthompson3852]

@Denice Haley you are smack on the target. If it wasn't for my faith I'd be a completely different animal. I can't remember the scripture reference, I've held this in my heart for years: "the Lord restores all that the locusts destroy". Victims of our type of abuse are completely vamporised by the abuser. But now being aware of what we are dealing with we become empowered. "The devil thought he had beaten me, on my knees, head down. He laughed.... until I said AMEN!" Dr C is truly a God send.

[@izawaniek2568]

I can not afford to allow my psychological well-being to depend of the whims of a schemer who is a troubled unstable cowardly bully. Narcisists are soul crashers. We need not to Let them treat us as toys to be messed with. Thank you dr Carter❤

[@Rebel6832]

YES HE DOES ALL OF THIS AND TURNS ON THE CHARM FOR OTHERS TO THINK HE IS JUST SUPER NICE GUY... IM SOOO TIRED OF ALWAYS BEING TO BLAME

[@mireadossantos4610]

I'm also in the same position, he's Mr nice guy and I'm the one that gets blamed for everything in his life (including getting married with me). I Never thought it would get to this... And the sad thing is, I don't see a way out of my nightmare of a marriage.

[@Rebel6832]

@@mireadossantos4610 So Sorry... These ppl are Pure EVIL!!!

[@mireadossantos4610]

@@Rebel6832 yes they are evil and , they don't see it. I feel absolutely nothing for my husband and, I wish I could find a way to leave , can't even look at his face anymore.

[@Rebel6832]

@@mireadossantos4610 I think I am gonna see an attorney. I am so sick n tired of the Blameshifting and him verbally attacking at Any given chance!! I cannot even go up to our local store 6 miles up the road without having to explain to him where and why I was going. He see this as me being Sneaky and a Cheater,,, Just to get paper towels and come rt back... LIKE WHAT??? You leave Unannounced ALL OF THE TIME BUT THAT IS SUPPOSEDLY OKAY!!!??? CAN YOU SAY PARANOID PROJECTING PSYCHO???

[@mireadossantos4610]

My answer to my husband to that was once "I don't have to tell you everything I do". He didn't like my answer but I didn't care as I don't care for him anymore. It's not easy to live with a narcissist. It has been very difficult for me to keep silent but it's the only way for me until I find a way out of my miserable life. I hope you find a way out to be happy.

[@christalkiger]

44 years here. Filing for divorce. All the same as above! They’re like clones of each other! Not much awareness’s of narcissism until the last few years, maybe a decade. Thanks to the you tube videos, a lot has changed. Thank God! The younger people now can recognize the signs sooner? Don’t know with the covert ones. They are extremely Good at what they do . Calculating.

[@fredhubbard7210]

Dr. C: The more you talk about the victim, and the less you talk about the abuser... The more you talk about healing, and the less you talk about the illness... The better and more helpful is your discussion. It is not about them. For my healing, it has been a journey of accepting my decency, my moral understanding, and my self acceptance. I was born into the narcissistic mess. The getting in was as easy as being born... Getting out was a traverse through uncharted territory.

[@denicehaley9902]

Amen

[@CosmeticPlague104]

My husband is like this. Everything has to be the way he likes or he'll get angry. Someone leaves a cabinet open he starts ranting about "how hard is it to close a door? People are so stupid" He seems like the kindest most respectful man to others. He does a lot of favors for people but I think he does them so he can boast about how good of a person he is. He says "i do everything for everyone and nobody does anything for me. Im not appreciated." If i like something popular I have to hear about how people are so stupid and they follow the trends like sheep.

[@tbunnyshy1]

“Intermittent” is one of the hardest parts to accept. It’s like them constantly saying, “I like you, I don’t!” When things are good its like a “high”. You really believe your sister loves you (for example). Then…she just DOESN’T. 😢

[@desertgirlwarrior1921]

YUP!!! SOOO confusing...cognitive dissonance @ its best! ....you just don't want to believe it right?!! Especially with your family/sister 😓SOO VERY sad 💔

[@tbunnyshy1]

@@desertgirlwarrior1921 I don’t know what to do anymore. We are financially dependent on our parents. She is an “entitled” person. My parents made her believe she can take whatever she wants. If I don’t appease her every way, I am in trouble. This is CHAOS and I am trapped.

[@desertgirlwarrior1921]

@@tbunnyshy1 I really feel for you 😓😓😓all I can suggest is that you try & stay focused & strong by following Dr C & other narc experts online plus ALL of the comments. You are NOT alone❤As Dr C rightfully says... Knowledge is power 💪💪💪& now you know what you are dealing with, you can use his tactics of 'don't engage, don't explain, don't defend, I'm going to carry on BEING ME etc' & by keeping your sanity & inner peace, this should make it ALL the more sweeter when you can finally break free & be independent🙏❤

[@jazzy07891]

I have children with the narcissist, so I have to have continuous contact because our children are still fairly young. But I am encouraged in the Lord that I have won the war against this demon. And in long suffering, the narcissist’s games have made my faith stronger. Thank you Dr. C for your messages. You have been my personal therapist for a few years now lol.

[@savetrump9120]

He will use your faith against you. Jesus suffered and died for our sins so YOU wouldn't have to. Jesus can forgive sins so if the narc wants you to forgive him just say that it's not your job to forgive him or give him another chance. The narc always wants another chance and wants forgetness, so they can do it again. Good thing that you can see that he is just a demon wrapped in human skin and there is no soul there to save. The best thing is to go no contact.

[@vickioliver1098]

Amen

[@savetrump9120]

@@RN-gx7wt your right

[@Pacifica.Obscura]

You’re lucky. The mother of my child is the monster. And she’s robbed me of my child for 1000 + days. My daughter doesn’t even know who I am.

[@Deelitee]

@@RN-gx7wt you have to be very wise and weigh the pros and cons. Some covert narcs are hell bent to get revenge. It can literally rob you of your life. Save yourself and kids. Leave them to God’s wrath is sometimes the best strategy. 🙏🏻

[@michelepascoe6068]

Exactly. I ended up desperate for my covert mother's acceptance; it was a kind of obsession. She was always on my mind in a fearful, anxious way. I understood that she held the key to my loved relatives' bad opinion of me, but thought it was based on misunderstanding. It never occurred to me that she was destroying my reputation and relationships on purpose. And I didn't know that I could abandon her for my own safety and remain a decent person. I didn't know it was psychological and emotional abuse, even though I knew she did me much harm. Learning about narcissistic abuse and what to do, has changed my life. So grateful for answers, and peace, even in my grief. I don't owe them anything.

[@sirtedricwalker2979]

Ditto

[@MsSilverGlade]

I feel you Michele. What you wrote has basically been my life’s experience with my CN mom. It was a constant struggle to try and please her, with little to show for it. I’ve been NC for almost a year now, and the peace that has come from it is immeasurable. I’m so grateful for Dr. Carter, Dr. Ramani and many others I’ve found when researching the various types of narcissism and how they impact different relationship dynamics. It’s been a life saver! 💕

[@jackieshrimpton9770]

Can empathise Michele. Sending you much love x

[@michelepascoe6068]

@@MsSilverGlade Yes I'm grateful to them too. Peace and courage to you ... enjoy your new free life. I found the book Mothers who Can't Love by Susan Forward helpful for working through it.

[@michelepascoe6068]

@@jackieshrimpton9770 thank you. Strength and wisdom to you as you navigate yours x

[@goldilocks3593]

You will find out quickly once you are no longer available to provide 24/7 supply (which is reality: life happens) that loyalty is indeed a complete one way street with a narcissist (coverts just much more sneaky about it). They will be off and running to find a new toy to play with faster than you can even see it coming. Your illness or incapacity is no “excuse”. Selfish right down to their utterly rotten core.

[@Deelitee]

I’ve been using boundaries by mostly removing myself from the conversation. I don’t know if it will change the relationship but it is changing me! I’m starting to actually *feel* the boundary being crossed and instead of being upset, I’m just done.

[@TimeWaveOfficial]

Fully true, was at my lowest mental point since my childhood in the 10 year rl snd then she monkeybranched because i said serving her is too much for me

[@salescustomer-service2050]

@goldlocks wait til the holidays come; we start getting the hovered by the ones with no supply left. 😂😂

[@flamingsword777]

The ex narc husband of 25 years left me for a week and at the hospital overnight after I had cancer surgery. Mind you, I couldn't barely speak because my throat had been sliced open due to thyroid cancer, he said to me that he was leaving because of my "attitude'. I cried the ENTIRE night. I was 37 and almost died from it. Finally I realized that part of rhe major reason I had ir to begin with was because I kept absorbing so much toxicity from mother and husband and other family members that it literally started to eat me alive.

[@Deelitee]

@@flamingsword777 yep. This is the hand of cards behind the back that shows up a decade or two later!🎭

[@HughTube-ni6kb]

A solid relationship must first be founded on mutual trust and respect. Without that - it's painful for one if not both.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So true.

[@butterflygirl2285]

Dr Carter - you described the interaction with a covert narcissists strategy perfectly. It is a constant striving to please someone whose expectations are inconsistent. IMO - It feels like the rug is pulled out from under you when you mistakenly believe the relationship has improved.

[@Unebellecreole]

A narcissist has a way of making you think the relationship has improved so that they can keep using you and emotionally abuse at the same time. It is just a give game to them. They could not care less about their emotionally abusive behaviors or words.

[@iamkxtv]

This! The inconsistent expectations are what keeps you thinking you’ve finally figured out what the missing piece is. Only to find, there is no magic key. This is what it’s always been and always will be. Confusion and chaos.

[@Chericherry4]

Happiness is giving up hope for these people to change.

[@MJ-qb5ph]

Yes!

[@LoadFaster]

Spoiler alert: people don't change

[@kimking4224]

This is exactly what has happened to me to a tee. 😳I’m out but the trauma bond is so painful!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Best wishes to you.

[@jong5156]

I have had a disastrous relationship with a narcissist several years ago and the recovery has been an up and down journey of self discovery. I thought I was "over it" and for the most part that's true. Until recently I started working with a guy in construction just the two of us. It started out great but over the course of 6 weeks this guy was testing my boundaries to the extreme. To the point where every day's work was filled with a sense of his need to be validated and the continuing agitation of my sense of self. It has shaken me up and reminded me the problem of narcissistic people in our lives is a problem of boundaries and feeling uncomfortable maintaining them. I really appreciate your videos.

[@aliceroberts1980]

Yeah and they act so normal at first you don’t know what your dealing with. It’s upsetting to me because I try to avoid these people when you have to work with them you can’t avoid them they keep pushing your buttons and at first your like you don’t exactly know why you’re like what the heck the deal with this person and then you just pay attention little more every day and mark that away in your brain. Wow that was strange. What was that about before you know what you’re thinking OK this person‘s got some narcissistic problems.

[@Deelitee]

Well said!

[@Deelitee]

Will you explain the behavior of the narc that agitates your sense of self?? Someone in my life does this in a very nuanced way… asking to repeat things, talking while I’m talking, “forgetting” simple things… wondered if yours was similar.

[@noneyourbusiness7311]

Just start telling people when they make you uncomfortable.."we are not friends just do your job". Construction is one of the worst atmosphere to be in. So many narcissists!! Career change? Or just be determined to tell people the truth. Mostly .. GROW UP!! needy validation seekers are the worst!!

[@Deelitee]

@@noneyourbusiness7311 I think this has been a blindspot for me bc I was raised with it! It seems so benign but it drains & distracts you from your priorities- which is perhaps their goal!!! 😏

[@bca-qq7gq]

intermittent reinforcement completely describes my mother. it's sick that this was practiced on me from childhood until my mid 40s until I finally figured out she's not normal.

[@Deelitee]

Same! 💔

[@bereal6590]

Same late 50's, problem with mothers is we see them as the template for other people. I didn't know who was good or bad to be around because I didn't know it in the first place! I'm angry that I wasted my life listening to her. Narc parents alter how your life plays out because you have a completely faulty map of reality and of yourself. Criminal to distort a child's world like this. My father overtly toxic was much simpler to deal with

[@mday3821]

Same here! I was in my late 40's.

[@beautypablotamarini7315]

my "mum" is ill now her evilness is totally transparent but queen have no capacity to control ppl around nor situation as she did whole her life she's tragic strange lone entity she just looks like human but no she's not just looks like

[@mday3821]

@@beautypablotamarini7315 I get it! When my narc mother became ill & confined to her room she looked human, but you could feel the evilness just radiate off her. She had no one to contact. She did try to with me, but I pushed back. They die evil with no apology...no remorse...no nothing. Mine thought she was going to a better place because she did nothing wrong. The closer death comes the meaner they get...that's what I experience. May God be with you.

[@tonihunter6585]

I had no ideal what a covert narcissist was. My daughter unmasked herself..it was so surprising. Now she is treating me as if I am the enemy. It’s like she turned into a monster before my eyes.

[@Ksatriya108]

You have been so instrumental in guiding me out of a mess back to myself. Dr Les, you're great! I i am healing. I am clear. I absolutely respect you and thank you. Many many of your videos later i am a reborn person. Thank you for helping me understands and see and learn how to set boundaries. Dignity Respect Civility. And self Love. Heaps of Love to you and your family! 💛 Carina from South Africa 🇿🇦

[@ItsMe-ke6qw]

Same here worst place I am working in ..turning 60 in January and I will be out of there..I am sure they will find a new victim

[@karenstarr5207]

I agree

[@mdee860]

Agree 100%. Dr. Carter helped me see & learn SO much. So sad I didn't know all of this 30 years ago. Sheesh. Dr. Carter is like a super bright flashlight 🔦 at the end of a fog-filled tunnel on the darkest night. I'm forever grateful that he & this community helped me make sense out of chaos & confusion... and steered me back to light & sunshine. 🌞 ♥️🌞♥️🌞♥️

[@michelepascoe6068]

Hi Carina, I'm from South Africa too, though I left in 1992. Courage and wisdom to you, and to all of us, as we recover and practice better ways.

[@carolnahigian9518]

A sibling made a 3- ring circus of our mom's death & burial...I WAS HER CAREGIVER 66 years and he MADE SURE I WAS NOT THANKED( nor acknowledged) in death notice. UGLY

[@funkymonk542]

That person you loved was a ghost. You try and try again but there is no one there . Their influence and childlike personality grows on you like a virus and it’s so seductive and furtive by the time I witness bad behavior it was like I was stuck and felt shame and guilt to leave her . But it’s true like that figure of speech saying Death by a thousand cuts. I loved her and I also would feel like a ghost when metaphorical she would just walk right through me as if she knew I wasn’t going nowhere. Those rare occasions when she would tear up her beautiful eyes watery in each others arms don’t leave me , I need you , I love you and I would try to hold her and hang on tight because I knew it was short lived because tomorrow I never knew which version of her I was going to get . Walking on eggshells, no accountability of her misbehavior, the insults, gaslighting and shaming was too much for me at the end . After 6 years I had to leave as she cried but still was unable to reach a reconcilable conclusion. It just boomerang back to me . I tried . After 6 years 6 months later she married some guy in less than a month from meeting him 6 months later shes pregnant. That fast . Even after those first 6 months that guy was already living with her and I didn’t know about him yet but she tells me , she’s not going down that road with me again and that she waited 6 months for us to get back together while she had me blocked . I reached back because I wanted closure still which that was a terrible idea . But even then she still couldn’t accept that she had a big time role in my decision of walking away . To be fair we got to admit and accept our role also in the relationship and why we let ourselves get dragged through the mud . But these relationships with these types are dangerous and hurtful to the non cluster b partners but there is something missing in us too that we need to work on . ❤

[@cynthianicholson1402]

Whoa! This was my life for 20 years. I haven’t spoke of it very much. No one wants to believe a person can take so much time from your life for their fun

[@amberc3728]

❤

[@kathyfoley397]

I also do not talk about what I went through for the past 50 years. Just cry and sleep alot.

[@bar8419]

"I can't afford to allow my psychological wellbeing to hinge on the whims of a schemer." Hopefully the moment of realization comes before one goes broke (broken)... but even then, one can work on oneself to get out of debt and finally be free of the snares.

[@terrymassie7656]

Keeping my distance. Spend less time with. Protecting my peace, space, working on my needs and spiritual growth.

[@johnadams2630]

The hardest thing is realizing this and actually doing something about it. The only option.

[@marciahowell9105]

I am so thankful for this channel, I almost lost my mind trying to understand what I was going through. Thanks for all the help.

[@wallymarcel1]

I think the back-and-forth-dance-with-no-sustained-progress is also about them making sure you never feel secure enough in the relationship to make any demands of them. Just the way they like it.

[@gregwindell7702]

BE STRONG ENOUGH TO BE HONEST AND KIND PEACE BE WITH YOU

[@davidemm829]

You cover this completely in just minutes ty

[@veebliss1266]

We don’t need anyone’s validation or approval! 🎉 love yourself ❤ claim it and leave it’s for the better! You only get better when you leave , all your blessings will come! Free yourself ❤

[@HealingFromEmotionalAbuse-d5s]

I just escaped a 35 year relationship with a covert (victim) narcissist. I feel sooo much better every day. I am still learning about how it all happened in the first place. Thank you for your videos 😊

[@lesleewatson4266]

If not for Dr. Carter I would still be stuck. I’m learning to be and feel stronger every day.

[@AutumnTrees]

Incredibly accurate. Intermittent reinforcement and breadcrumbing. Just when I'd think it was safe and he'd be receptive to listening to a real concern he'd turn the tables, stonewall and sulk, and punish by withholding any affection and intimacy. His favorite response: "What about my needs?" to which I'd say, "Yes, please share them..." But he never would. It was only a deflection. I remember thinking and later as we were divorcing said that the ONLY NEED he had was that I have NO needs. I bought his narrative always. Took me years to see this. Trauma bonding is real. Working through the grief and trying to heal. Thank you for your content and tools which help so much.

[@nikorahm3738]

This is so true!

[@mands962]

This video came to me at the perfect time. Yesterday I finally had the courage to say enough to my Nmom. I told her I was sick of this game. I'm done being fooled, ignored, mistreated, lied to my face by her and the rest of the family. If you are going through the same stuff don't be afraid of choosing you. It's hard but in time you'll know you made the right thing leaving these relationships behind!

[@jadelynngarland3681]

Gd,'fsyfe^$&$%@>^×&>$^$*&$djddgd jfh gshdjdhsujy ugh v:ddh

[@cathy14cs]

I did the same last year. It’s been hard as the rest of my family now see me as a cruel heartless person . But I can deal with that more than dealing with her. Oh I can see all to clear now and its taken me over 40 yrs to wake.

[@mands962]

@@cathy14cs, in my case the family part was the easiest, because they treated me Very poorly. With my mother was more complex. It was years of conditioning that I was responsible for her happiness and well being. I Felt incredibly guilty, but when this part of you decides it's enough, you kinda know there's no turning back. Going through the grief stages, I was triyng to remember some good moments i had with her or some time when she showed genuine affection towards me. I couldnt find one single memory of that. I guess we spent so much time in that illusion that we ended UP fooling ourselves that we were loved and cared for. I rather have myself than the family cult Matrix. Good luck to you. Stay strong and take Care of yourself!!! You are not Alone 🙂

[@lambchop6278]

Thank you 🌿

[@user-cy8os7uc9m]

Omg! You described exactly what I went through in my 33 year marriage, i could never articulate to myself or anyone what I was experiencing. I was always confused & miserable. Im now in the midst of a very long & painful divorce. It’s been hard because of the trauma bond. I’m 66 years old & because of the many years of mental & emotional abuse I am struggling to find my identity. I’m going to save this video & revisit it to remind myself that I wasn’t the problem & I wasn’t the crazy one. Thank you so much Dr. Les. I’m so glad I found this video.

[@roxymovie3938]

A covert Narcissist = master of disguise 3 strong needs: 1. for control 2. for dominance 3. feeling superior It can take a bit time to reveal itsself for N. because these needs are very subtle shown. 2 strong elements that go along with the long game of a Covert N.: 1. Intermittent reinforcement ("I am with you but not really!"; lots of mixed messages) --> Goals: 》to keep you in confusion 》to keep hope alive 》to keep you to try stronger 2. Slowly building a trauma-bond: 》you have to filter everything through the N. 》you quietly buy into the message of inadequacy 》your confidence & self-esteem get lost over time 》you keep going back to the N. for approval The relationship ultimately feels like a game and the cycle repeats over and over again: ~ The N. writes the script, ~ No input from you ~ You can have moments of optimism but the positive feelings cannot be sustained ~ very little credit for your strength etc. ~ a N. admissions are superficial ~ to outsiders a N. can turn into charme ~ in private a N. will disappoint you ~ loyality is one way only Your feelings toward a N. can be: --> you often feel perplex --> you feel like in a guessing-game --> you feel less than secure --> you feel like you cannot get out There are 2 directions shown by a N.: 1. "Come to me!" 2. "Go away!" Conclusion: In a relationship with a N. you will never feel "simply be me" (no freedom, no peace, no identity etc.) Dr. Carter 👴 and Gus 🐶, thank you for another insightful lesson.

[@GellaHumbug59]

The idea that someone could be an intermittent narcissist helps me understand my experiences of inner conflict and confusion. I’m grateful to be living alone for 7 months now. I can breathe. I’m not hypervigilant 24/7. My housemate was often very helpful, kind and giving. At the same he always seemed to think he was more righteous, and morally superior to everyone else, while holding on to personal, sometimes quirky grudges forever (even years after “offenders” sincerely apologized multiple times). I felt guilty and conflicted about how difficult it was for me to interact with him, given that he definitely did have a “good” side. It was simply draining; I had very little energy left for anything else. Maybe he wasn’t a bonafide narcissist, but he was definitely bad for MY nervous system! I am working on forgiving him and forgiving myself, a little bit at a time. I have the peace and freedom to do it now.

[@theresaburke2040]

At work, after being shut out, ignored , discredited and every other thing they do I finally have disconnected emotionally. I can’t get fired by the jerk and it makes him crazy. These videos saved my sanity. Thank you,Dr.Les. I think the implosion is about to begin and it will not be me!!!😂

[@noneyourbusiness7311]

Way to go!! Team healthy!!

[@luluinred]

The workplace narcissist is a disgusting one. Very crafty little cockroaches. I’m thankful I was never blinded by their lies. Too bad about all their minions who wouldn’t listen - it’s going to be a rough downhill crash for them. Truth will always prevail 😊

[@salescustomer-service2050]

@Theresa Burke get a book called Prayers to Rout Out Demons because this is a spiritual demonic attack that calls for the help of God. These people are possessed by demonic spirits.

[@ND-or5so]

When you see there isn't consistency from them, that is a SURE sign.

[@k1w1g0dd3ss]

"Schemer" is very apt. I also related to feeling like I was "being played". For me, the long game was indeed a very short game. Either he wasn't very good at playing the long game, or wasn't prepared for someone who knew her worth. It took all of one month for the lies and deceit to start revealing themselves, and another three months of confusion and toxicity and then I was out. He is unemployed, doesn't want to work, has no life goals etc, whereas I am a career woman, a goal setter, and very driven. After constantly being belittled for being educated, having a career with decent earnings and being well travelled, enough was enough and I left him to wallow in his pitiful life.

[@obicat]

Awesome! Congrats!! 👍👍👍💯💯💯👏😊

[@rickieduncan2130]

This is honestly terrifying. I feel like I just woke up😮

[@abbym183]

The part that I have remember is the 'spending time' part of covert narcissism. Someone who is genuinely interested will want to spend more time with you. Just before I get too close to people, I always come back to these videos almost as a refresher lol. I tend to forget all that I have learned about narcissistic abuse awareness. So, in returning and watching these videos, I always find something of value. Thanks for sharing.

[@mumcmillfields]

Just described my sister. Been no contact for 4 months. Really never want to see her again. She’s been brewing me up all our lives as I now see looking back. As an empath I gave her the benefit of the doubt whenever she “fell out” with people regularly over 4 or 5 decades. Then she turned on me once parents died. It’s so sad to see her so angry and embittered.

[@tbunnyshy1]

I hear you. I feel for you. One day I will be free as well. I wish things could change but we know they never will. Life could have been good. She either really loves me or really hates me. My hands are tied.

[@bendonaldson9026]

Hello Elaine

[@Dr.GForensic]

Same exact thing happened to me. After my parents died, she threw me in a probate lawsuit over one home not worth much, threw me in the trash after it was done and decided I had done something wrong even though I got screwed in the probate. It's sad but this is a personality disorder is the worst and typically you cannot rehab these people.

[@adrianamaclennan7832]

Absolutely my mother. 100 percent.

[@christinescott5966]

I was entangled for many years with a covert narcissist. Dr.Carter everything you said in this video was the crux of my relationship with them. I've been freed now for 11 years from their manipulative toxicity. Thank you Dr. for shedding light on this topic. ♥️

[@aaronkwolfe]

Good to see you in live chat. A lot of encouraging/supporting #teamhealthy people there.

[@ibabechanel]

"entangled"...... THIS. Its truly an evil web that you need to unentangle yourself from.

[@paisleyjane14]

Right? Thank you Gus for the sorta kinda comic relief that we so desperately need when being educated by the good doctor! ❤

[@babewell6757]

The intermittent reinforcement is also known as 'breadcrumbs' from the narcissist.

[@DfL-fs4by]

It's been 29 yrs since we divorced but it took decades to get over it & I only began to really understand what happened in the past two years when I stumbled upon these narcissism videos. What they helped me do was reinforce what I knew but couldn't prove, that I wasn't nuts & that I wasn't an awful person. The most shocking thing I found out was that he lied to me, ALL THE TIME, & I didn't know it. My sister told me that he did but I didn't believe her. Looking back now I see it very clearly. I thank God every day that I am out & doing well & not letting those kinds of people in my life anymore.

[@michellepurcell8703]

I know exactly how you feel 😢

[@DfL-fs4by]

@Michelle Purcell I used to have a little sign on my kitchen wall that said, "When life gives you scraps, make quilts!" I didn't quite understand it but now I do. It's the same as, "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Honestly, I'm kind of sick of being so strong but when I look at the alternative, knowing I'm not nuts🥴 but not being able to prove it & then realizing that someone I truly loved did that to me behind my back, I'll take being strong over that any day of the week!

[@CC-Raven]

Thank you Dr. C! I’ve been ruminating/studying the CN’s ‘long game’ for awhile now. “What does it say about a relationship when I’m not even allowed to simply be me?” That hit the spot!!❤

[@gailrosenberg48]

Truly. If I was too happy or too excited about something, he would stiffen up his body like he could not be around someone filled with joy. Now, I look back, and see how he was conditioning me to be different. I see it now as creepy.

[@samanthawilliams5520]

I literally had to say soooo many times that if he only kept his word consistently I’d have space to be me. I missed me!

[@bereal6590]

Yes, this is the most confusing part. They spend your who life 'grooming you into what they want' rather than who you are. Going back to fam time and time again. Once you see it you start to hate all of it.... The good bits become sickly and unbelievable and always waiting for the rubbish to hit. They think a trauma bond suffices for love, it doesn't but the trauma bond kept me in the game and is still difficult to work around..... Coverts are majorly good at guilting. Keeps me working harder, feel like I can't breathe around them because you can't even discuss or sort this out as they're happy with it. Works for them! Don't waste your time, I've tried everything but there is no communication with these people because they're not open to input. They're right im wrong end of story. The way I saw it conclusively was a repeat of the same situation x 4 times all with a different ranting narrative at me from them about how wrong I was, was simply dependant on how they felt and had nothing to do with me. It's all about them, how they feel yet they're masters at making us feel inadequate, defective and as if we're bad people. You'd think your fam would be your biggest supporter.... not with a narc fam!

[@desertgirlwarrior1921]

'They're right in the wrong end of the story!!!" YESSSSS!!! SOOO VERY true!!👌

[@sherif4453]

Lack of them not being able to communicate with you is one red flag its their way or the silent treatment

[@sissysp8924]

22 years together March 17 will be married 18 years. I had spiritual awakening in 2020 I’m a crazy conspiracy theory person. His family is same way. The past 2 years has been hard cause I wasn’t sure about it but he is this one. Cause everything is my fault. I’m damned if I do damned if I don’t. Yep don’t like my light to shine. I walk on eggshells with him. Control always has to be his way. Trauma bond. He was nice shy in the beginning hide it well as long as I was ok with not being me I thought I loved him so much all I wanted was to make him happy. 2 kids together 19 daughter 10 year son. I’m 51 now I just want to be happy with being myself and that is not good to him. Watching all your videos today thank you so much. I don’t want to be in bondage forever.

[@jamaramonet5020]

Thank you all for your help!

[@yellowdayz1800]

Don't hesitate to get the help.. Take it further. Please. These guys are very harmful. We see the harm done more as we get out of the abuse.

[@Popsicle946]

This is almost a breakdown of my relationship with my ex. Amazing!

[@bryanandrew7729]

They just totally destroy your life

[@christianzulawski9384]

Everything this guy said really describes the situation I find myself in. And the thing is that I know she is a covert narcissist, she definitely doesn’t think so, and all I want is for her to experience happiness and live a great life ultimately. Lately I have been sticking up for myself more when she disrespects me, but it always backfired at me somehow and I look like a wimp in the situation. But really I’m just trying to prove a point I’ve been trying to for months and she will not accept it. It’s always I’m too anxious or I’m too dramatic. And it’s never the one thing she did that night that bothered me is the reason I’m defending myself. It’s the fact that she always has a way of being condescending or passive aggressive and the actions as a whole are why I’m trying to make her realize that it’s a pattern of behavior of disrespecting me when I do nothing but the most for her that really gets to me. But when I say something I’m overreacting because that thing she may have done that time wasn’t that big of a deal. And it’s impossible to explain that cuz we’re both usually stoned and forget the argument in the first place, or she can’t follow what I’m saying

[@KaarinaKimdaly]

The use of marijuana will not benefit your desire your to communicate or be heard. It also interferes with memory formation in its users.

[@tmo.48]

Your talk is exactly about the roller-coaster ride you get whilst living with them. Also like an absolute freak show you find yourself in. I want to say something about boundaries-- the covert narc is a master at boundaries!!! You cross any one of their countless boundaries and you are in deep crap. It's up to us how we handle it. I wish on nobody the amount of years and tears I've spent in the whirlpool of trying to figure out what was going on--the WHY WHY WHY. For the past 2 years I've been learning about this narcissism stuff and learning to implement my own boundaries. What a journey this life has been, it's made me a better person by also inner ward self reflection because I wanted to know "is this my fault" because they are experts at that blame game they always do. They have more angles, more plots, they are truly perplexing.

[@lindakurgan4477]

Yeah, what's going on? Is anything really going on? Always feels off....

[@tmo.48]

@@lindakurgan4477 real human love shouldn't feel like that. It should feel comforting. The poor narcs take your offer of love and compatibility and twists it to their power and control, then act like a victim when you're caught on and over them. Just to sweep uou back in to their vicious cycle. You must truly get out and away.

[@knownbutunknown]

I recently met a narcissist and early on I started to feel that something was off. I started to clock his text and phone calls like clockwork. I would get a good morning text and a phone call after he got off work. I noticed that i always initiated contact and wanting to meet up. When i would say, i don't feel like you like me like that" and he would reply you should be patient. I would give constructive feedback on how he could improve and he would say "But i thought that i was doing that already." Thank God i cut that sh$! Off immediately because i just kept feeling like i was betraying myself. I left! This man knows what he is talking about!

[@celestehess9649]

Is to win at any and every cost

[@ItsMe-ke6qw]

And in the end they lose..they are alone at the end of their lives or sooner

[@ItsMe-ke6qw]

They are like dead batteries that are only lighting up of other good working batteries but the charge never holds ..the battery cells are dead ..aka souls

[@aaronkwolfe]

@@ItsMe-ke6qw I like and understand the analogy here. Electricians call them “placeholders” to allow complete connections, but the device has to run on a less than full charge. It actually makes the other batteries weaken faster.

[@gailtrust8727]

I am caring for my mother who is in end-stage COPD and she is a narcissist, I am the scapegoat. I am the only one who will care for her. It is hard. Just like you said, some days are good days, then other days if I don't play into her delusions, she lashes out and wonders why I walk away. Your videos are great and help me stay focused. Thank you.

[@raccuia1]

Never ceases to amaze me. Why are you still in contact with evil? You don't owe this creature a damn thing. Flaming astounding.

[@roxannetaitano1490]

I am in the same boat with my Mother. She too has COPD, and I am her full-time caregiver. It indeed is hard when the switch gets turned on and off. But I have learned from these talks that many narcissists are really wounded people. My Mom has in fact lived through many traumas in her life, and I can deal with her behavior better now because I have set clear boundaries ; knowing what I am dealing with, many times I do walk away when the behavior starts. What complicates my current situation is that I have a Narcissistic husband, and he is just as was described in this video. I have been away from him for over a year. However, Dr. C has given many like myself information that helps us understand that while dealing with narcissists we can maintain our civility, respect, and dignity. I'd like to think also our humility too. With my Mom, I am managing her better because of her obvious need. My husband, I go no contact. Hang in there.

[@shaunajin8497]

OMG THAT'S GONNA BE ME! My monster mother is a satanic sadistic witch and I cd be the only one left willing to do the right thing which is take care of her and dad in their old age. I'm also the scapegoat. It's like a burden u carry ur whole life, dealing intimately and personally w a psycho. And try to remain decent and happy and succeed in life. It's a herculean task for anyone!! Don't let them win!!

[@roxannetaitano1490]

@@shaunajin8497 If you do care for your parents in the future, I would practice now establishing boundaries way before that happens. If you find that you have problems maintaining these, plan B is always a option by means of adult care. Remember there are three staff changes, morning, afternoon, evening and many hands that will professionally know how to deal with clients that have behavior issues. You would still be providing care in this way. One person cannot possibly be successful to maintain their sanity under those circumstances otherwise. As my Mother's illness has progressed I see how vulnerable she really is. I am grateful that I can take care of her. Fortunately, I have support, but there were times even then that I considered adult care. So be realistic and take care of you first. Like Dr C says the pattern of narcissism is unhealthy. So try now to establish boundaries to fortify yourself and stay healthy.

[@Real1nowFP]

Isn’t it interesting that the Scapegoat child is the one that always takes care of the Narc mother. I’m the only one that will take care of my mother although I have 3 siblings. My boundaries are so strong with her that even when she starts her crap she’ll catch herself and shut up. She can’t run game on me anymore.

[@catbee1452]

I have referred to myself (for the past 4 decades plus), as a lady 'in waiting'. I always had to be flexible, available and meeting his needs because his world took priority. Now in his 70s, he'll only do what HE wants and F's up anything I want. He can watch me crying, coldly walk away and then turn it around with a whoa-is-me-I-just-can't-do-anything- right. All without me ever saying a word. I am so lonely and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep on without going totally insane.

[@c.paget511]

You have to not trust anything they say, imply, or do. Even, especially, if they say “You’re right, I need to change, I want to and I will!”

[@jodirose922]

Wow. Just - WOW. Thank you so much for this video. You’ve done it - you’ve explained the relationship that took me 22 years to wake up to. I want to heal now. Beyond anything, I want to heal. The psychological abuse nearly killed me. I want to be alive. It is taking so much work to find happiness again. Anyway, THANK YOU for this video. Thank you for your work and your videos. THANK YOU for understanding what manipulations too many of us have gone through. It’s incredibly validating to watch a video like this one in particular and feel HEARD. Thank you.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased it resonated. Know that I'm pulling for you!

[@Ilona-o3f]

Thank you, superbly said, it is like a yo yo game, confusion, etc etc

[@joannbarthold3032]

A “schemer” - that one word sums them up entirely

[@michaelsawyer158]

I was divorced last year after 38 years of marriage. I knew something was "off" with her, but the emphasis on MY failures never afforded me time to look objectively at my marriage and the failure thereof. I started watching your videos within a short time of my separation (basically thrown out of my house). I watched dozens of your videos and some of the "covert" traits in my ex came to light, but there was still something a little "out of focus." Then you came out with the video on the VULNERABLE narcissist. Every one of those traits was a check on the list for her. Thank you for the clarity Doc. The truth makes us free...not always happy, but free.

[@ezrc9294]

The vulnerable shy victim narcissist is an evasive type of abuse that permeates and destroys everything it touches. Denial, shame , blame projection. Villian is the victim, and victim is the real villian. If I were to name it - this person is absolutely unable to handle crticism and will DESTROY the one holding them accountable.

[@damo9961]

Why would you want to be with someone that emphasizes your failures?

[@michaelsawyer158]

@@damo9961 good point, and that was one of the places I came to before I left.

[@chemistry4305]

Move on, man.

[@teacup1703]

It took a lifetime to see what the long game was doing to me. The narc sibling is cut off now. This information reinforces the truth and supports me instead of me propping up a false facade. Thank you Dr. C!😅