The 4 Primary Goals Of A Covert Narcissist

By definition, covert narcissists want desperately to cover their pathology, and for a while they may succeed. But over time, predictable themes are revealed. Dr. Les Carter identifies four of them most common goals of the covert narcissist, and as you learn to spot them, you can steer clear of their manipulations.
To read the article on this topic, go to survivingnarcissism.tv/the-4-....
If you are interested in online therapy, Dr. Carter has a sponsor who can assist. Go to our sponsor betterhelp.com/drcarter for 10% off your first month of therapy with BetterHelp and get matched with a therapist who will listen and help.
Sign up for Dr. Carter's course: Ready, Set, Connect
courses.survivingnarcissism.t...
Get 20% off when you use the coupon code: rsc20youtube
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his KZbin channel, his videos have received more than 110 million views.
Join the Team Healthy community HERE: survivingnarcissism.tv/subscr...
Check out videos, articles, quizzes, and more at our website: survivingnarcissism.tv
You can follow Surviving Narcissism on:
Twitter: @SNarcissism101
Instagram: @survivingnarcissism101
Facebook: @survivingnarcissism101
Dr. Carter has two other courses that you may find to be useful:
Free to Be: Reclaim & rediscover your uniqueness survivingnarcissism.tv/free-t...
This Is Me: Setting boundaries with the controllers in your life survivingnarcissism.tv/this-i...
Dr. Carter's personal website: drlescarter.com/
Dr. Carter's other KZbin channel: / drlescarter
Bookstore: survivingnarcissism.tv/books-...

[@j-r-hill]

1. Create a false, positive public persona 2. Hide their own internal chaos 3. Perpetuate confusion inside you 4. Making sure you are responsible for the problems they have

[@bridgetmcbride6634]

100% !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@marilyntill9507]

👍

[@MJ-qb5ph]

My God this is sickeningly accurate - I fell for number one for 35 years!

[@schizorap]

Indeed

[@1fancychik4God]

❤💯%

[@Egyptsgirl]

They want to look good, not be good. They are the ultimate hypocrites.

[@tombuddy100]

spot-on

[@janiemiller825]

Well said 😂

[@lisabowden402]

💯

[@mday3821]

The Covert model is "I can tell you what you need and have to do. You will do things my way or be met with passive-aggressive rage. You are not allowed to think for yourself. I will tell you what is right and wrong with you and you must do things I want and what I tell you too. I get to change roles & the rules whenever I feel like it. If you get mad or angry then I'm the victim. By the way, all your achievements are my achievements. I can treat you any way I see fit. But don't you dare do any of these things to me. You're lucky to have me!"

[@Xaxtarr_Neonraven]

Yes, they are the greatest. The name of the game is superlative drama: Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor, exceeding family, friends, community, city-state, nation, world. Grandiose delusional mania above all.

[@sarah-lee-cupkakes]

Yep!!!!

[@dclarke1896]

Exactly!

[@Earthether]

Whoa nail on head here

[@brucefriedman1]

Covert narcissists will endear themselves to you while poisoning others against you privately.

[@Xaviarra]

THIS!!!!!!!!!

[@francesbernard2445]

When we can no longer tolerate them at all then they step up that poisoning of others against us in such a way as to make others believe that they have always had only the very best ntentions for us but hings just didn't work out in the according to them a failed marriage and/or a failed business partnership because we were equally to blame. I just had a light bulb moment when remembering a document sent to me from a reliable source around 7 years ago warning about how soon there was going to be intense competition among businesses which could escalate to dangerous in public levels. Which was very accurate of a prediction while all of the narcissists around became so much more busy doing what they do best.

[@earthling8585]

They also spew nasty lies about people you've know much longer and better than they would even care to, to isolate you from everyone who actually loves you.

[@tenningale]

They might even act normal to your face (most of the time), yet they sh-- all over you behind your back. Always something "wrong" with everybody else.

[@enlightndark6671]

NARCISSIST CRITICIZE ALOUD but remember that "Covert" Narcissists DO NOT because they LIVE IN THE DARK, EXPLOITING OTHERS SECRETLY, PLAYING PERPETUAL VICTIM, GUILT TRIPPING OTHERS FOR PROFIT, forcing others to HELP THEM while never providing care or support back & OFTEN MASK EXTREME JEALOUSY, seeking DRAMATIC attention IN ALL WAYS (EVEN FAKING MEDICAL AILMENTS/ using wheelchairs when they can walk, saying they have diabetes or cancer or heart problems) And COVERT NARCISSISTS DO FEED OFF FAILURE & CONFLICT BETWEEN FAMILY & CO-WORKERS, watch them smile during painful moments! COVERT NARCISSISTS are FAR MORE CHILD-LIKE & INFANTILE than the AGGRESSIVE SUPERIOR NARCISSIST BULLY, perpetually pretending to be weak rather than PERFECT. Normal Narcissists see themselves as ideal Gods that should be praised & worshipped for their impressive strengths & brutal criticism of others, But Covert Narcissists hate praise, they want sympathy for their theatrical fake wounds. ALL of these malformed adults are trapped in childhood desires, UNABLE to have any empathy for OTHERS or act as responsible parents. NY HOSPITAL theorizes that NPD MASKS BORDERLINE TRAUMA preventing the development of a stable self-aware EGO! All narcissists walk away from others in emergencies because someone else harmed is not about them & they simply do not care. They are all candy covered parasitical NUTS that DEMAND to be treated like GODS & BABIES & REMAIN THE CENTER OF ATTENTION forever! The biggest test for Narcissists is not their lack of empathy or their false smiles & icy eyes but their extreme INABILITY TO SHARE any resources, time or space with others (exactly like 2 year olds)!

[@MarkErikEE]

Spot on, sir. Two faced they are - impeccable facade in public, tyrants at home. Always stirring up chaos and belittling everyone around them.

[@ute3349]

Not everyone, they choose but if this one is gone find someone else very quickly. 🤗

[@margaretmlydon6910]

This is so true

[@yukio_saito]

@@ute3349 I'm gone so I'm not sure who is chosen. 😅

[@Natasha-xh7pf]

That's the difference between a narcissist and a victim. Their victims could react but they don't do it in private like a 2 faced person - that's why they get the blame and hate

[@mariaawake4502]

Covert narcissists grinned down your trust in yourself at a very slow pace. Pretending to "help" they take over many task so you unlearn basic skills. Intermittent but constant criticism and pessimism will turn you anxious and keep you away from your interests and friends. The narcissist wants you to loose yourself and be there for him/her 24/7, for nothing in return.

[@t_nels]

Yes, bait and switch, smoke and mirrors, and the works. Do they even realize and plan this out or does it come naturally to them as they begin to feel uncomfortable with themselves?

[@bongofury333]

🎯

[@jeffwilliams9086]

⁠​​⁠I have wondered the same thing and come to the conclusion that all they do comes naturally over time as a learned way of operating. I also believe that at any given time a small amount is planned to accomplish their objectives and attempts to regulate, eventually it all becomes second nature/natural.

[@mspheeincali7418]

@@t_nels looking back in my experience both. To the degree of planning I think there is more of that the farther down the pathological side they are more malevolent and intentionally punishing. Sadistic covert ones are extremely cruel and destructive, but of course it is the victims’ (prey) fault. Took me too long to break through the FOG. At least information is finally out there to explain it and help navigate this nightmare.

[@t_nels]

@@mspheeincali7418 Yes, it becomes concerning. I am seeing it is calculated, at least around something of mine I didn't know he had that he discovered me taking back. It is something he can be in posession of. After that, if was a reach out and touch and an I love you.

[@oladipoademuyiwa7157]

Narcs tend to get worse as they age.

[@lance7973]

Truth!

[@TattedChristian]

💯 YES!

[@cameogutierrez3466]

Agreed!

[@violajoseph8549]

And a special kind of stupidity 😂

[@robbiewooden5067]

So true

[@tombuddy100]

Narcissist gets frustrated from failed attempts to establish domination, thinking that happiness comes from domination.

[@anonymissed3611]

I just had mine invoke a critique and claim another colleague (not present) said the same. Covert triangulation? I'm certain the accusation isn't relevant to the 3rd party.

[@fitnesssoup7553]

They oftentimes like to dominate conversations. Their mouth can literally run nonstop. That's so you won't contribute anything and they can control it. Then of course they can complain that you never said anything about what they weren't informed of.

[@John-sk8cm]

Very astute observation 👌

[@tombuddy100]

@@John-sk8cm When a narcissist encounters another one, each one seems to be able to see erroneous ways in the other one's but not in one's own.

[@Hatbox948]

In the "relationship" I was in the narcissist seemed to need a "Stepford Wife" of sorts. You were there to support him (even financially), pamper him, cook/clean, and fulfill his sexual desires. In return you got yelled at, ignored, criticized, talked badly about, etc. You got nothing in return but scorn. So many of us kept plugging away though. I'm so glad for channels like Dr. C's. Without them, I might still be plugging away into infinity.

[@texasrefugee7888]

Yes and you're supposed to believe all their lies

[@aaronkwolfe]

The “Treadmill” relationship. It exhausts you, and you get nowhere.

[@mfcmxtt6490]

I have heard that also described as being a 'Bang Maid'

[@nancyadams9228]

You were married to my ex? 🙄

[@Hatbox948]

@@aaronkwolfe Omg I love this description. I may have to borrow it.

[@TheBlueHutch]

Their public persona is completely phony and fake

[@memoresto3480]

Yep that’s the one they hide the best……

[@patriciahilburn3303]

What I find so interesting is that they feel like they're going to be judge, yet they judge, condemn, punish and there is no means of redemption with them. It's continuous hell fire. They never look at themselves, it's always your fault.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You speak the truth.

[@randy_cbc8811]

Yes, correct, which is what makes "Narcissistic Pastor" such an oxymoron, because the Christian Gospel is based on and rooted in redemptive GRACE, a free gift of God's pardon and forgiveness: - but the Narcissist, as you say here, has little or no redemptive grace in or about him, sad to say. 😞

[@DED93x]

Simple. "Everyone starts out of themself"

[@jurepotokar6218]

"My" narcs said two hours ago to me: You're abusive lately.... I almost started to laugh.

[@lt827]

Something to add to ‘you are responsible for their problems’ is nothing you do to help solve their problems will ever be enough.

[@katemarshall3987]

It’s E X A C T L Y SO !!!!

[@on_my_own_two_feet]

Yep. Learnt that the hard way. But I am glad I finally did.

[@thomasczthomash1859]

They don't want you to solve their problems, they just want your sympathy. The problems were created by them for that purpose.

[@JLZR1]

Coverts are the worst by far.. they completely destroy your ability to trust anyone. Trying to expose them, is a complete act of utter frustration, as your told “ come on, he’s not that bad “come on he’s a nice guy” or my favorite “ it must be you”….

[@bodaciousbethany0]

"it must be you" 😅😂

[@jrmin8422]

Recording conversations with them, all of the angry outbursts, all of their lies, posting them along with their secret double life, meth addiction, same-sex escorting while in a heterosexual committed relationship, hidden social media accounts, digusting and depraved sexting...Take all of it and post it online to all his friends, family, coworkers, and name all the people the narc cheated with. Tag them and everyone involved!!! Then sit back a watch the narc implode! Destroyed!! Never to bother you again! Shame, embarrassment and humiliation through exposure is how you teach a the narc the lesson that they will remember for the rest of their miserable lives.

[@Natasha-xh7pf]

When the narcissists are upstanding members of society and even the NHS sides with them..

[@Bailey_G]

If a third party is telling you that it "must be you", my bet is they are also a narcissist or have been greatly fooled by that narcissist themselves and are ignorant about narcissism. I wouldn't waste my time venting about the narcissist to them and I would no longer trust them with details about my relationship and personal life. The last thing a narc victim needs is to have others tell you how great the narc is and how it must be you that's the problem. From there on, I'd only talk about the weather with them, that's if I decided to still keep them in my life at all.

[@bodaciousbethany0]

@@Bailey_G you know about flying monkeys 🐵 sometimes they irk me worse than the narcs themselves.

[@douaa1934]

Me Me Me and Me Me, Myself and I They are selfish and "self" centered

[@markjayw666]

Yup only person we can change is ourselves. Don’t waste your time with people like this. Longer you waste time with cons and phonies, more time lost finding truly good people.

[@yourbeautybff]

My dad and my sister are both covert narcissists. It’s basically death by a thousand cuts. There is rarely any one major thing they do to hurt you. It’s a bunch of subtle little things over time. You feel bad about yourself around them, but you don’t know why. You feel stressed all of the time for some reason that you can’t figure out the reason. They stir up chaos by triangulating you against others. Then when things blow up between the ones being triangulated they just jump out of the way. They act like they’re completely innocent, and even play both sides at the same time! Selfish is an understatement. They will project so you don’t suspect them of doing the things they talk negatively about. They are takers. No matter how much you give to them they will never give you anything in return.

[@FloridaGirl-]

So true! And it’s time to get the broom out and sweep them out. No contact. Everyone deserves a BREAK from the madness at some point. Ask yourself. Why do I NEED their approval? Guess what? YOU DON’T!

[@martyevans8162]

Covert narcissists I’ve known often create a strong “do-gooder” persona which is nothing but a veneer but a very believable veneer & build a strong following of people who believe the veneer ... The veneer benefits them in many ways including financial. They have no conscience about their deceit & manipulation & are effective liars. But trying to “out” them is often a losing battle.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

What you say makes lots of sense.

[@jenniferrayburn1011]

Read about NPD and triangulation.

[@goodenoughgirl8102]

I think what is so hard is that other people can’t even fathom them being how they really are. And you just can’t seem to find the words for what they do without sounding crazy or paranoid. You just seem to be so alone in it.

[@yukio_saito]

That's why I walked away from them without saying anything. 🚶‍♂💨💨 People around them don't accept the reality even when feeling something is wrong with them. 😮

[@goodenoughgirl8102]

@@yukio_saito Very true. At some point you just have to let it be anyways. It was better when I just gave up bothering. I’d love for my adult son to really “get it” about his grandma, but he only can see so far with it and I have to just let him figure it out in his own good time. I’m just glad she wasn’t able to turn me and my child into enemies of each other. I feel like I got pretty lucky compared to a lot of other “child turning” horror stories I’ve heard with these psychos. The other relatives. Meh. Lost as they are. I no longer give a crap about what they believe. Just my son. But even with that, “trying too hard” doesn’t do any good anyways. So I rest…and hope and pray for the best…or as good as it could ever get. (Between me and my kid).

[@notaclue822]

That's absolutely right. The covert narc is a highly sophisticated aggressor. I suppose it just takes time to heal.

[@goodenoughgirl8102]

@@notaclue822 For real. Or time to figure out how to navigate or protect yourself when you find slippery snakes or slimy alien creatures etc…as opposed to the more obvious towering lions and tigers and so on like that. They just seem to be better than their overt counterparts at things like the chameleon effect or hiding in the grass etc. Better at acting skills with seeming more normal or playing “nice.” Or they go much slower like the very slow boiling of the frog. I think I can deal with any known one tho at least better than some new one coming around Bcuz it’s just hard to tell right away. All the early flags are just so subtle and it’s so quiet and sneaky. Veritable experts also at plausible deniability.

[@TheJannamgatkinson]

Love this....though it's destroying me, this truth if you know what I mean. I get treated like Myra Hindley (famous child murderess) in his village which is brutally unfair, group abuse really. Thanks for this, totally the part I find most poisonous is their friends earnestly saying 'he HAD to dump you on your birthday....you KNOW you have these episodes'.....er, no, just normal reactions to his abuse really.

[@bridgetmcbride6634]

Covert are the worst! And the most dangerous, imo. I wish had this type of information decades ago. Thank you once again, Dr. Carter, for getting this out there for us to stay on Team Healthy.

[@maryriley6163]

God bless anyone who, for whatever reason, is now able to live their life without secretly dreading every encounter with the covert narcissist. No more walking on eggshells.

[@notaclue822]

I sometimes wonder whether I should fear for my safety. It's true because you just dont know this person, how far it could go.

[@michellepurcell8703]

I think these types are the worst, because they cover everything up, not like the loud brash overt Narcissist. I was with one for 8 years, and I couldn’t believe the change in attitude towards me and my family , and the pure hatred in his eyes at the end of the relationship when he cruelly discarded me.

[@fuliviacannady7703]

Agreed 💯

[@davidhynd4435]

I was married to the same woman for 32 years (still technically am).We have five adult children. I separated from her in November last year. It has left my life in ruins, and nobody understands what I went through. This person was astonishingly good at hiding her true self. Over the course of decades, she crushed my spirit, destroyed me emotionally, and damaged my mental and physical health. If you were to meet her you would think, "What a lovely person". And that's the most heartbreaking part of this. You're entirely isolated and alone in your grief. It's a very cruel disorder, particularly the covert version.

[@michellepurcell8703]

@@davidhynd4435 You will get through this . We have all been through hell with these parasites. Keep believing in yourself, I know exactly how you feel 🙏

[@Mariah747]

Ditto

[@WildBillHickums]

I'll take an overt narcissist over the covert any day. The overt is easy to walk away from and I find they don't really take the time to be as manipulative, they are just delusional and rude. The Covert deploys so many mental tricks that distort your thinking over time

[@rosieE121]

I experienced exactly that with them. They are vicious if you are alone with them. They have a convincing outer shell. Very sneaky and dangerous.

[@Jessica4492-rj3zg]

It’s sad there’s people out there that choose to do life this way. Life is so much more freeing when I take responsibility for myself.

[@novairene6880]

Often it is not a choice. It is pathological. They can’t control it.

[@bereal6590]

They'll be more concerned about how they look to strangers than how they treat you. They don't care what you like think or feel. You'll become a shell filled with their rules and regs, doing what they say you should. They'll give you small gifts and patnthemselves on the back and oh what a lovely person they are. You'll be left anxious with self doubt and confused believing love is gifts, occasionally getting warmth whilst all the time it's a gilded cage with no room to manoeuvre. A total trap because they don't want the best for you. It's the biggest con ever!

[@FloridaGirl-]

Well said!

[@amnahaque9058]

My life.....

[@alphaomegaambassador4978]

And the #1 trait needed for a covert narcissist to achieve their goals: Lying.

[@aaronkwolfe]

Plausible deniability.

[@michellehill718]

Lol 😊

[@cassiebennet4262]

I find myself thinking of those words a lot. Their subtle tactics, that seem innocuous at first, add up to a lot of manipulation. When you finally start calling them out on it they act like you're crazy and imagining it all.

[@aaronkwolfe]

@@cassiebennet4262 Yeah, that’s the “plausiblity” part: always having an excuse/explanation to get out of trouble.

[@kimberlyvergez4391]

I notice that coverts are often cited in this forum as critical. However, my experience is that they are not critical until/unless they're called out on something. In fact, I've seen more than one CN who is never critical except in conflict, and I finally realized that it's for two reasons: 1) they don't care enough about someone else to risk disagreement in order to improve that person's life, and 2) they don't scrutinize your behavior because they don't want their own behavior scrutinized. For those of us who come to relationship to become better people, it can be disappointing to never get feedback about areas in which we could improve. But boy, when you point out anything that is contrary to their self image as the good guy, they will become immediately and disproportionately enraged and tell you you're crazy, or better still, that all women are crazy, and turn anything they perceive as criticism back on you.

[@mfcmxtt6490]

The one I thought I knew and loved, seems to delight in taking a woman in and playing all these games (a false persona, a character, a made up avatar) to get her to open and yield her heart and give him the satisfaction of conquering supply. To then quickly grow contemptuous and bored of this intimacy and supply and what it is supposed to feed/numb / bolster / bandage and medicate like a drug hit.. that quickly becomes not enough, not good enough (just like chasing the dragons tail) and then feels entitled and justified to emotionally punish and belittle, abandon, and hurt you on the way out the door to the next new supply source, apparently as the 'wounded warrior', always righteous, always the victim . It recently dawned on me that it's like he not only grooms people to be that hit of NRE (new relationship energy ) but ultimately to subconsciously be a place to offset his own unowned shadow and unregulated emotions and darker thoughts and feelings of life onto, that really he can try to run from but he can't hide .. The mask slips, the high wears off..the clock strikes midnight and the car turns back into a pumpkin... I find it so bizarre that they (narcs) lack the courage and self awareness and integrity and fortitude of character, to face their childhood conditioning honestly and learn new ways to own the emotional side of they being and how to self regulate instead of consuming, using and discarding that which is sacred around them.. they are an Easter egg..shiny foil...sugar sweet shell and emptiness inside ... No gumption.. no courage ..no passion of self honesty...no drive for truth ..no solid character deeply forged from honest, loving principle .. hustlers, liars, frauds, cheats, gamblers, addicts fearful, weak , falsely arrogant and self entitled little children in aging human form. human psychology is fascinating

[@shawnmarie1912]

No, they're just demons !

[@tinaralls3936]

You said it!

[@REChronic54]

Wow I almost experienced something like this just recently. I cut him off early because after months of all the subtle weirdness, when I finally called him out on it, he tried to turn the tables on me. Before this he started grooming a new set of people to “befriend”, like what you said. He told me how ‘oh they were so nice’ and how they asked him if our relationship was still going great; to make me jealous I guess and to make him the victim. You described these people well.

[@jenniferrayburn1011]

I also experienced the same thing. This person would flirt with other women right in front of me and then turn and look at me with false love in his eyes. When I let him know I knew what he was doing he literally ran to the woman he had been flirting with (she was in the same room). I have never experienced anything like this before--the person is sick.

[@devorarossi961]

Set boundaries from the beginning and they will run away looking for another victim.

[@tonymartos2922]

Mine liked to judge me, a lot. Ironic when they themselves fear such judgement.

[@bereal6590]

Yes totally agree. If I said anything like the things they say, all hell would break loose. They're jealous and vindictive as well. When you're at a low ebb they'll kick you while you're down

[@bkb2012]

Chameleons by design. That's very interesting information to remember, Dr. Carter. * So glad you're here. Extremely appreciative! Gus is so sweet!

[@sylviacaldwell2139]

Enjoy the Wisdom of Dr.C!! G🐶S

[@kirkstewart-vf6hg]

They thrive on chaos when things Run smoothly they throw a wrench into the bull works. Always upset or mad or glass half empty you cannot fill a glass with a busted out bottom .

[@fred.k9875]

Gus looks more relaxed, happy to see he is doing well!🐄

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Fred!

[@anonymissed3611]

His message is "relax" 😀

[@nicselectronics81]

39 years, nothing they can do to get me back 👋

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

It creates emotional fatigue, doesn't it.

[@nicselectronics81]

@@SurvivingNarcissism I feel kinda more depressed now than during the abuse 🤔 reality hits hard

[@markbrunson1260]

You, my friend, are going through the grieving process of realizing you were in a bad relationship where you were not valued for who you are but used for their purposes. It sucks, but once you process it and work on getting yourself healthy you will be a free person, not to get sucked in again. But you MUST do the work! Take Dr. C's course, listen to Patrick Doyle on YT: Unsafe relationships, 10 signs you are a victim or survivor; read and internalize the book Safe People by John Townsend & his book Boundaries. After being married to one for over 35 years and divorced for 3 and going no contact the peace and happiness is amazing! Like Patrick says: journal, journal, journal; write down your real thoughts & emotions, it is so helpful! Read the Gospel of John and ask God to show Himself to you then follow Him-The true source of a loving life! Cut off the negative people, grow and get healthy on the inside! Replace victim mentality for survivor & thriver mentality. Exercise every day. Life can be so much better without narcissists and covert passive aggressive are the worst! Thank You Lord for Your life and healing!

[@visualapologetics4891]

I have always felt he was desperate to not be who he really is.

[@nandutzu]

It's impossible for normal people to understand that there's not a "real" self in the case of the narcissist. There is no self, period. There is no ego. There is no one. The covert narcissist is a sensible child traumatized by the mother/parents/relatives. He is desperately looking for love and he coerces you into loving him. And there is a sense of being inappropriate inside him. That is why he creates a false persona and he creates it to be perfect. It's a surviving mechanism. Thinking of the narcissist as a regular mature human being that is simply evil is completely nonsensical and farthest from the truth. Being a narcissist ist not the narcissist choice and is not easy. It's anxiety and depression inducing. Sometimes leading to suicide. No one really cares, no one is interested in ways of addressing the narcissist, who is actually a child, emotionally. They are not easy people, they can do harm, but these are tormented souls, and, in the end, human beings also. Looking for love and understanding

[@amnahaque9058]

​@@nandutzu fixing them is impossible. They will take away everything that makes you happy.

[@anng.4542]

The constant need to be the focus of attention, whether ir's positive or negative attention. Either picking fights, or setting up disputes between other people. Another opinion is seen as devaluing them. It's like living with... sometimes a 5 year old, sometimes a 12 year old.

[@elizabethkeppis5892]

My husband get angry when he noticed I am firm with my decisions and I don’t show confusion any more. Thank you very much for your advice.

[@donfrankmagic6442]

Yes ,a facade of caring and helpfulness, yet they are cold and callus

[@emkode]

The timeliness of these covert narc videos is amazing! We just hired a new employee for our team and I am her target, as the senior person with the most experience. I just realized it after she verbally attacked me for the 3rd time last week. I met with my boss Monday to lay out the patterns of behavior (without ever mentioning the word narcissist, of course!lol). Unfortunately for my new coworker, I spotted it very early, since my mom and ex-husband are both covert narcs. Unfortunately also for her, as soon as I started pointing out her manipulation and the personal attacks on me, my boss recognized what was happening. I don't know what will happen here, but my boss is now aware and I have a plan, thanks to Dr. Carter!

[@jpp2377]

This is a trait of many young people today unfortunately

[@Mcknzi]

What happened with her? Any update?

[@sharonlaib1495]

I recognized that in my new younger boss as well. I don't anticipate a change in her behavior. I retired a little earlier than I wanted to but I refuse to put myself through that abuse again after being married to it for 28 years. Good luck .

[@emkode]

​@Mcknzi She's triangulating both me and a coworker with our boss and our boss is still falling for it, despite having pointed the behavior out.I suspect my boss will be applying for a higher management position in the next few months and I am hoping to move into management within the next year, so my goal is to outlast her. I have also encouraged the other teammate she's attacking to talk to our boss about her behavior with him. But the truth is our boss falls for the manipulation very quickly, even after having it directly pointed out to her, so I don't have much hope she'll address it.

[@Mom-277]

Unfortunately, in a relationship (marriage), there is no relationship.

[@ly5142]

Consistency of these traits, the unchanging patterns, its so weird, and eerie, its the same with everybody's experience, no matter where and whom we are dealing with.

[@888hereandnow]

Same evil spirits working

[@janedunn6567]

The best one Ive heard was your jealous....! When you expose them they act very nervous about you saw or confront them

[@lisbethbird8268]

Yes. She is absolutely mentally ill. Delusional. Psychotic. Sadistic. Constantly faking some imaginary version of "normalcy". Some fictional figment of "special", of "clever" and especially "know it all". Watch the drama performance when you let them know, that you know. Then later on, when they try to convince you that you don't really know anything.

[@fred.k9875]

Narcissist Hoover either to extract more narcissistic supply or to punish you specifically if you have discarded them.

[@bennitagoodson345]

This has been my experience with my family. Once I was on to them, I stopped playing the game. I'm so thankful to Dr. Carter for his wisdom and compassion. I can now watch the "movie" and not engage. It's very pathetic how they try to draw me into their "chameleon" schemes, she even has a specific look on her face, but I'm at the point that she (sister)doesn't affect me anymore. I know what I know about her and what she has done to me, and the rest is just her trying to make herself feel better at the expense of me. I pray the best for her, that she can get over herself, that she will get HELP, but I've turned the page, and happy with my own life.

[@FloridaGirl-]

Amen! 👍

[@jenniferkrumm4280]

I listened to this with pleasure, knowing that finally I am comfortable in my own place of peace and calm. Thank you so much for your guiding hand. I doubt I would have reached here on my own 😊 ❤

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Very pleased for you.

[@patriciacole8773]

Congratulations

[@t_nels]

I kind of know what they aren't ... Understanding self Working through pain Moving forward/future Trusting self

[@Annie-ol3jx]

I separated myself from a covert narcissist with the quickness when i found out what i was really dealing with. Best decision i ever made,it doesn't even come to mind anymore. This year will make 6 years, a beautiful thing!! This video is 💯percent right on. I'm grateful for jehovah god opening my 👀!!! I have matured, grown up and moved on. Today i LOVE,LAUGH AND LIVE LIFE❤❤❤❤❤

[@user-qv9nw1dq2f]

I am moving down a very different path and am not going to dance their narcissistic dance. I don’t want to have anything to do with those deceitful people. We can only control ourselves and am not going to enter their narcissistic chaos. Thank you dr Carter 😊 God bless you ❤

[@matthewwozniak9138]

Part of mirroring is the other person studying you. Then liking the things you like. Do they really like the things you do? They mirror your behavior like a chameleon. When you reverse the mirror and copy their own behavior towards them, then you can see them as they really are. Self awareness is knowing thyself, dispite other people's opinion of you.

[@ArgentoFan]

This is my brother, he's a horrible person. I cut him out of my life, I was sick of being his scapegoat.

[@nicholecornes1915]

Dont ever doubt yourself ever

[@janiemiller825]

That dog 🐕 is adorable 🥰

[@susanmark1744]

It’s YOU YOU accept me respect me giving YOU all the disrespect accepting all the bad behaviour. Once YOU see that believe it.Thank you Dr C❤

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Excellent!

[@UshR-ee7ji]

Not until we broke up did I realise he was a covert narcissist. Never heard of this term before. It's still recent so I'm feeling raw but everything in this video resonated so much that I couldn't stop crying. I'm recovering from his chaos and confusion, and still at the stage of anger. Acceptance will come soon but I can't believe I fell for such a game-player. What a waste of life for someone to live with this disorder. All you have to do is own it and heal. Why choose stress.? Thank you for sharing your knowledge and shining your light. 🙏

[@FloridaGirl-]

Half the battle is finally getting this type info. Because otherwise, you are always walking around with ???? A question mark over your head. Trying to fix everything. Thing is. You don’t NEED their approval. It’s what you were striving for. It actually is freeing. Ain’t nothing you can do to fix these people. Realize that!!

[@rwdchannel2901]

My father is a covert narcissist and mother an overt authoritarian narcissist. I thought I could trust my father since after my parents divorced I moved in with him. He just used me as a pawn to try and control his 3rd ex-wife. After I got out of the US army then went to college I started to see my father's envy of me, passive aggressive behavior, competing with me, disagreeing with anything I said, tearing down my identity and other narcissistic toxic behavior. When I was living with him I was neglected most of the time and didn't have any real accomplishments in life so I didn't see these red flags. Also, the reason I wanted to live with my father was because I was afraid of my mother. She adopted me when I was 5 years old and had her mother raise me. It seemed my mother was just around to enforce discipline on me through shame and guilt.

[@tombuddy100]

If narcissists could see their own life and behavior, they might be disgusted. Narcissists seem to be extra cautious when encountering another narcissist, not liking what they see, yet failing to see it in themselves.

[@bereal6590]

You've just answered aomething I couldn't work out. My mother can spot toxic people, I thought she was discerning until in realised she was very toxic. I couldn't work out how she saw it in others but not herself! She is manipulative so covertly. She sees it in others because she is protecting herself hut is happy to pass on her rubbish to me. She doesn't care about the damage she causes. They must have a radar for those like themselves

[@Xaxtarr_Neonraven]

You're a nobody to them. This allows them to treat you anyway they please. They can't admit your significance; because if they do, they will need to come to terms with the way they treat you. They can never take responsibility except as another means of superiority and self aggrandizement. Their sacrifice and suffering, their heroism and rescuing, their stature and need is always the greatest, always greater than anything of yours. You can never come first.

[@robinsmith4499]

You explained the story of our life with our daughter in law. She destroyed the family because she exhausted us. After 16 years we said no thank for this crazy life style. Yes, our son is a dedicated flying monkey. 🙁

[@lalala4685]

I wrote a poem inspired by my covert narc MIL: If you died tomorrow I'm sure that I might cry. I'd comfort those around me, Even as they wondered why. I didn't even like you; You wanted me removed. Every strain between us Intention misconstrued. When you finally die, Will your lies become the truth? Acrid words unspoken, Those saved for tomorrow Will pool about my tongue And sting until I've swallowed.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Very poignant.

[@janicegagnon6770]

From jan's husband. My stepson had me going crazy I was literally loosing my mind. He is a 36 year old doctor with the public persona of mister nice guy. Personal life total cluster blank blank. If you don't serve him and say yes to him you are crazy.

[@ChristianaBonelliSmith-mo1ox]

Thank you for your video. I'm in a vulnerable position of living in my car at 63. So I'm getting a lot of push back as well and through ppl I didn't know and finding out who's connected to who, piece at a time. So I am starting to feel that I'm in a Narcissistic campaign. I spoke with a cpl police officers today cause for the second time my wallet has been stolen with all identification etc. It's been a vicious cycle while it keeps me going further down. Too much to explain. But they did tell me about a community safe park that would get me out of sleeping in rest stops. I've tried housing plus, as I'm on a wait list and I don't do drugs and therefore I'm not a priority. There's been that TEDRA Case that put me under attack. So I'm staying strong in spite of it all with my beloved husky dog in the car in which I don't want to lose. I've had him since he was 3 wks and he's now 11 growing old with me through this. So the point to all this is it's easy for individuals to use my circumstances against me. I would also have enemy's as well. That's become clear today. I also have family dynamics trying to heal from and the possible pushback games going on there. As the children's father was diagnosed a narcissist and I started researching his possible involvement into my mother's estate and all the losses. Ppl out here make life feel a little unsafe. And then if you have the smear campaign by those with predatory behaviors well that adds to it all too. Example is I receive videos on how Narcissist become paranoid as they age. Umm? While I've been followed, chased, tires slashed, etc. The officers today completely agreed with me that these ppl work together in numbers just like they do as officers. Finally some sanity there. I think I have the right to want to feel safe as I've been through a lot. Under my circumstances that doesn't make me paranoid, it makes me careful as I don't have a door to lock at night in what you would call a home. It's much easier to receive videos and such on these issues when life is good. Within my family dynamics or those I filed a TEDRA case they are presently in the situation that they are doing well. Such as I've had a good life too. But I still appreciate your videos without doubt as I am trying to navigate through all this that's coming at me from different angles. It's non stop actually and anything can happen at any given moment. There are amazing ppl that are complete strangers and then there are complete haters. Thank you for your time and efforts. Recently I find myself very tearful that I'm not out of this situation yet but times are hard for many right now and resources are limited. It will lately make me feel that I have let so many others down while others delight in attacking me for what may appear as though it's something else and not just pure let downs, failed attempts and losses that put me right back to the beginning again.

[@patriciacole8773]

Prayer and scripture can bring the strength of encouragement

[@janclebro6997]

Thank you Dr Carter, I found that description and explanation extremely useful.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it was helpful!

[@801rbd]

At around the 10:30 mark, you talk about "not being confused." Actually, I AM CONFUSED - I'm confused about why I would want to continue trying to have a healthy relationship with a Covert Narc? Perhaps my confusion is about my NOT recognizing that this other person IS WHO THEY ARE - and it's not up to me to change them. Great stuff, Les! - Keep going Brother!

[@bevmartin7483]

It's impossible to have a healthy relationship with a covert narcissist. It's really hard to have any kind of relationship with them!

[@brickellvoss7739]

I needed to hear this one! Had a bad trip and stayed with my grandmother for 3 weeks due to some family drama. I realize now that the reason my grandmother and I have always had a stressful relationship is likely because she is a covert narcissist. I still love her but things are changing. I'm no longer going to suppress my feelings for her or mirror her just to get along. I'm going to be myself and stop putting myself in situations for her to treat me poorly. It all clicked this trip due to seeing how she behaves in public then to the people closest to her. I don't know if she will be able to improve at all. I'm not going to abandon her. But if she can't respect me then I'm going to respect myself and protect myself from unnecessary negative treatment. You know I don't look down on her or anything, she didn't abuse me physically like my mom, she didn't really mentally mess me up like my father tried. But I think if she had the resources available to her like I did when I was a young adult that she might have changed some. I understand her personality is a result of a desperate need to survive her stressful childhood. But I'm an adult and I have choices and I'm choosing not to be in situations where I get so disrespected and blindsided by it that I'm left stunned and speechless.

[@notaclue822]

It's truly crazy making. Mine was a purely social relationship. We have no contact at all outside of when others are present, and she was so adept at rounding up the clueless flying monkeys for the most intense gaslighting. I was being baited and gaslit. Those monkeys were so energized. They honestly thought she was being nice. I on the other hand am not. Nobody thought to ask me why. I didn't anticipate the fallout would mean I had to withdraw from a large social group I loved, but despite it being a steep price to pay, I would do it again. One problem is the disillusionment over how many people were so easily bought. The flying monkeys are not, and possibly never were, your friends. "A true friend is worth his/her weight in gold". That old adage is true.

[@catherinesmith7129]

They cannot regulate themselves so they responsibility shift by assigning you the role; but then they reject everything you say and do and now you also are responsible for all they say and do and how those do not line up because they are not responsible for themselves anyway as they have delegated that...then the discard follows.

[@sharonammirati2042]

This is One of the most clearly articulated and easily understood videos of the many of your videos I have watched these last few years. Concise, precise, and so very helpful.Tha❤nk you

[@kathyh4804]

Thank you for this information! It’s so difficult when you have a child with this type of mentally ill person. Our son has paid the price and it’s heart breaking

[@Kat-th2td]

Dr. Carter, thank you for another enlightening explanation of the covert narcissist's tactics and goals. I was his scapegoat for decades. Now I have been set free, via a certificate of divorce (Biblically sound), by a non-believing abusive man who masqueraded as a pillar Christian in the community. Judgments and confusion from deceived adult offspring and acquaintances notwithstanding, I am praising the Lord this Holy Week for my freedom and redemption! (Not to mention the gifts of eternal life and salvation!)

[@The_authentic_queen_]

AMEN.

[@elizabethy2912]

Me, too. Divorced recently from a non- believing, poser. I'm free, and God is with me as I experience freedom from over three decades of abuse.

[@scotthall6358]

Dr. Carter. Please speak to the adult child of an aging/ elderly parent who fits this type and how the adult child is to navigate the relationship when they cannot fully disengage due to family responsibilities.

[@michellehill718]

Happy Thursday beloved Dr. C and beloved Team Healthy! 🕊🌎🌱

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Michelle. So far, so good today!

[@Zatanna22]

Thank you Dr. Carter for being there 🙂

[@KS-dx5ln]

My mother is the epitomy of passive aggressive. I say live your own life. I will LIVE MINE!

[@meganengland3252]

Hey Doc! I just wanted to share a life boundary I just created for myself. As a survivor of a narcissistic family, it has literally taken two years of hard work to be able to compose. Thanks for your help along the way. I made sure I kept in the back of my mind WWDC do? (What would Dr Carter do). :D "Simply put, I need more faucets than drains in my life - it’s the law of equilibrium. My capacity to further indulge entitled, self-centered, draining behaviors (and their myriad of justifications) has run dry. As a result, I no longer feel obligated to partake in any relationship that offers less than the baseline of respect and mutuality, or that requires me to acquiesce to being an emotional punching bag or pacifier."

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You make lots of sense...and I'm pleased to be on the path with you! BTW, our daughter's name is also Megan!

[@karenmattice3820]

Wish I learned when my husband was alive. Doctor Carter, you have confirmed everything I learned the hard way.

[@TheeyeOftruth-yx2np]

Thank you so much for this DR Les, You're absolutely beautiful, This was absolutely tremendous, They blame you for their anger, And they don't like it when they can't get emotional reactions from you, I'm not responsible for other people moods and feelings, I'm responsible for my own, Keep shining light and speaking truth, Peace, love, Respect to you and everyone, Thank you universe, All glory to the universe, The most high God is great 😃💜💚❤💙🌌🌈💛🦁🕊☘👽😍😎🐎🌷🌞🌝😘✌🐉⚽🌲🦄

[@wissn2112]

They seem to do things and can't realize what they are doing. Even as far as using what you point out with terms and descriptions and throwing them back at you that you're the one.....They will interrupt your thoughts and focus any chance they get to serve needs or attention. The second you do try to discuss things on ideas or planning or information exchange. They turn it into a flying circus of deflection, gasslighting, denial, excuses why something can't move forward to improve anything. They want you stuck in a spiral of constant emotional drama turmoil over every conversation to keep playing victim and blame shifting.

[@FloridaGirl-]

Exactly

[@kaymuldoon3575]

I had a friend who falls under the definition of a communal narcissist, however she was covert as well. She could really have you fooled…you think she’s one of the kindest, nicest, most generous person you could ever meet. But after a few years, another side to her slowly made its ugly appearance. I think she’s both covert and communal. I’m just glad I ended that friendship after being chewed out for the last time. I was done. The peace I’ve experienced is so much better. And yeah, she would often offer to “help” me with my faults. But in her mind, she didn’t have any.

[@DrNancyLivingCoCreatively]

My ex was so ashamed of growing up on a farm. He wanted to be in France. I foolishly tried and betrayed ME while he belittled and didn't appreciate how hard I tried. Sadly he got there, dead. I still love life and community. My dreams and sense of peace grow. 🌹

[@Haggo60]

I’m battling mine for over a year in divorce with a young son. Everyone from the mediator to pediatrician is feeding into her narrative. A narrative that is purely based around her control. The Dr. Recently signed and tried to persuade me to put him in preschool at 2. He’s just gotten used to my days and family is there for him while she’s gone all day at work with no family in town. Anything she can do to keep him away from my family or to cause pain is her current agenda, all while appearing the opposite. I’m just glad to see clear and work through this before my son is older as he has a chance to see 1/2 time non manipulated or controlled.

[@glorytogodhomestead3495]

Could you tell me why some on online psychologist talking about narcissism said that if the narcissist is in your life there, ultimate action will be to drop you. Aren’t there narcissist that just wanna keep you in their life so they can use you? And not drop you?

[@sheilajac]

they love to backstab/gossip because it gives them a sense of importance or authority. they want control but indirectly, so they manipulate. they need to feel better than so they criticize and degrade AND they need to protect their fake image, so they'll do whatever they need to, to keep the mask ON....in public, anyway. my guesses. i hope it's not annoying - i have NO life, i spend most of the day watching youtube sadly. will probably die watching youtube sooner rather than later!

[@t_nels]

I hope you find an existence outside of those people you speak of. Please don't stop reaching out. Go to the library, a museum, join a webinar. Until then these video are very helpful to understand what happened. Find who you are and what you like, what you want. Don't feel you need to be pushed into anything. Every day brings changes in life, take them.

[@sheilajac]

@@t_nels well, i'm nearly 60 so i know who i am and what i like, i don't have the energy for much. gardening season is coming up until then i have health issues i have to address. and probably a legal battle that i want nothing to do with but these monsters won't leave me alone. been being harassed and isolated for years by my own family/friends. my brother's a psycho who's been playing a long game w/my death as the goal. because he's a greedy soulless demon pos and i mean that absolutely literally. i'm not dealing with a nasty mil or boyfriend. but an army of sadistic narcs

[@t_nels]

@@sheilajac I am sorry. I am willing to give my house away just because I know my grandchildren will have a fenced in yard they can play in. I am doing my best to secure what I can for those I can do something for. My parents are both in poor health now and any attempts I do to better my situation are met squarely with refusal. I'm tired of broken and missing things, slamming doors and unnerving occurances. I look for the silver cloud, troubleshooting for hope. I'm sorry about your situation. I don't know how to help. I know you've been commenting for a while and appreciate your comments. 🌹

[@mariaawake4502]

You sound very depressed and maybe you should seek professional help. Your situation may not be as bleak as the narcissists want you to believe. They are master manipulators, but you can rise above their influence. In all reality they are weak and immature, however also crafty and greedy. 💞🌷🌅🙏Please stay confident that you can win.

[@bongofury333]

Me too.

[@Joe-hf3cn]

Just wanted to say thank you for sharing your wisdom & expertise with your audience. Heaven knows there’s a community of people searching for answers, & who better to spread awareness than a psychologist & authority like yourself to speak on the realm of human behavior & specifically regarding personality disorders 🆗🙌🙏

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks so much!

[@coffee100ful]

that really helped, thank you

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're welcome!

[@yanetrodriguezcruz3609]

I have seen it for years in the worse scenario they hurt you or beat you in their disturbed state of mind.

[@quantumnature514]

Yay! Thank you for another super helpful video about what healthy behavior looks llike!

[@adrianred236]

They are: The street angel and the house devil.

[@davidalanbinder4238]

I highly recommend the book MIND GAMES The Dual Facets of Manipulation and Dark Psychology

[@notaclue822]

Author?

[@farahhansen8206]

Greetings from the Netherlands ❤

[@AnnA-tu3ig]

Greetings from south Florida!

[@SallyKlee]

Greetings from Austria

[@yukio_saito]

Greetings from Japan.

[@Sofia.K.CheerYT]

Narcissists are people who lack boundaries. They live through coercion. That's all they do. They coerce. That is the thing to remember. If you feel or witness coercion, that is narcissism.

[@myleeleonard536]

Great video Dr. Les Carter . You summed it 100%

[@anneyoung2310]

Thank you, Dr. Carter. You consistently make important points in a palatable way. Covert narcissists do not want to be exposed, not only because they fear vulnerability, but in this scenario, because they have committed numerous crimes. Coercive control is a crime that needs to be confronted legally so the narcissist doesn't continue to isolate and destroy other victims. The narcissist is ashamed because THEY SHOULD BE very, incredibly, ashamed, mortified and repulsed by their thoughts, actions and tactics/devices. I don't buy into terms like reactive abuse, triggering, nor calling the narcissist a victim/pointing out their trauma. All contribute to victim blaming. The narcissist should own the toxicity inflicted on others.

[@SunnyMeetsLuna]

Thanks for your tireless work. It’s therapists like you that help us reawaken to our dormant selves, the entities who never really changed. It is the behavior the narcissist displays that changes during that slow, crazy reveal. Healthy people crave honesty, pursuit of self-improvement and finding loving ways to connect to people. Those people, our inner selves, never left us. It is the narcissist who made us doubt the validity of those ever fainter memories of our true selves. Mercifully and rightfully, we can and should return to a place of safety within ourselves where our true persons reside and renew experiencing the love of others…it’s a story of salvation.

[@beverleecarrell510]

This presentation is absolutely truth, and the only way to stay sane around these types...Thank you Dr. CARTER😊

[@SandraMuller-vs8ck]

So much awareness to this subject on narcissism and thank you very much for your ongoing support. God bless. ❤

[@caroleminke6116]

I met a man @ a charity for children’s books & he was part of a group writing poems for a $ donation. So I gave him $5 & asked for a poem about Hope. He wrote about himself as Hope & he was a chameleon! It turned out he actually was an awful narcissist with four marriages & the last wife left but she wouldn’t divorce him because of health insurance. What an old nasty toad he turned out to be & what a good lesson I learned after I had joined his writing group… almost everyone was a narc 🤦‍♀️

[@karynegough7564]

Another excellent vid, thank you. It describes my father 100%. He’s 93 and as an amazing achievement that only a narc can accomplish, has not improved one bit over all these years. It must be quite tiring to keep up the idiotic act for so long.

[@rz9305]

You’re 100% nailed my experience with my ex who definitely is a covert narcissist I can’t thank you enough for the work that you’re doing you’re bringing a lot of peace to people who have suffered from the abuse of the narcissist

[@brg2743]

We have one who is something else. Police won't get a trespass against her and we have tolerated her nonsense for 13 years! She is clearly trespassing and the survey is in the yard.

[@sarah-lee-cupkakes]

Thank you for this video. It describes someone I knew for many years to a T. She harassed me with Bible verses, trying to shame me into reconnecting with my abusive parents. It's eye-opening to hear these goals stated so plainly.

[@mantwat16]

Amazing advice. There are times when I feel sorry for my younger self having been raised my father, but at least now, everything is crystal clear.