Midweek with Dr. C- When You See What The Narcissist Cannot See

[@southernbelle6564]

Yes! Envy causes agitation in narcissists! My husband belittles me when I am interacting and conversing with others. He can’t interact or carry on a conversation with people. He dominates the conversation and isn’t interested at all in other people, so he loves to try to make me look small. I told him privately that the only person he makes look bad when he tries to make me look bad, is himself. I’ve tried to tell him that there are some very interesting people out there, and doesn’t he ever want to know about other people.

[@MsChris2707]

It’s not only the narcissist who can’t see what what we can see, it’s also the surrounding, friends etc. who don’t see it. It’s so frustrating. Especially in the case of the covert narcissist.

[@RumiRose12]

True it can be lonely for the one who can see 🥺

[@Chrissi35813]

The covert narcissist gets so much sympathy in my experience and people have even hated me because all they hear is that He hasn’t been able to see his daughter. They don’t know however that I have never said he can’t see her, and Children’s aid has made it known to both of us that he is not to have unsupervised contact with her, but he has turned down the one agency that was willing to supervise because he didn’t like their rules.

[@dixsigns1717]

And,I am told by those same people that our only problem is my expectations... grrrr

[@carefulcarpenter]

​@@RumiRose12 Spiritual growth leads to individuation. Apparently 1 in 10,000 individuate. I began the realization that I was growing faster than my peers back in college. I was slowly moving into the "loneliness zone" *without* the feeling of loneliness. 😂 In a college psychology course we learned about INDIVIDUATION--- so I thought everyone in college would reach this level. Sadly, Life has not revealed this--- but the opposite. It seems people have become less empathetic and less curious. ❤ Many people are seeking systems designed to heal their anxiety.

[@RumiRose12]

@@Chrissi35813 sounds like his ego comes before his children; that’s too bad. I hope you can have at least one person in your life who sees validates your truth

[@michelepascoe6068]

Oh yes, that's it! The healthy person wants to understand and be understood, and the narcissist pretends they do, but really only want validation for whatever they're saying and doing. It's a useful game because you trust and share what matters to you and they use it as ammunition. Thanks for the clarification, Dr C

[@ASMRyouVEGANyet]

Yes, they will "play nice" when they want something but make no mistake, once they don't need you, they'll resort back to their regular pattern of abusive behavior.

[@SnarkasticSunny]

...every time!

[@cyndim8785]

The roller coaster ride that you can’t get off with a narcissist.

[@henrykujawa4427]

When my older client wound up in the hospital and then rehab, he & his partner were EXCESSIVELY nice. I guess they wanted to make sure I stayed with them during the break (when I had NO other assignments-- my choice). the 1st blow-up when I was back didn't take long-- 3rd day in!

[@elaineanderson2989]

I had a female narc supervisor. She would bully and exploit the female workers and flirt with the male workers to get them on side. She was the supervisor from hell.

[@ASMRyouVEGANyet]

​@@henrykujawa4427 they just can't help themselves

[@teresacotton7923]

The Narcissist can't agree your right, because then they would be admitting they are wrong. Once you understand that you realize you have to never argue with a Narcissist. Walk away......

[@ryanunderwood5465]

Hold people accountable for their ACTIONS not the words they speak! Thank you.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Exactly.

[@t.l.7733]

If Narcissists were a military, they'd all be in Strike Force. Make no mistake...when a Narcissist is jovial or passively listening, especially in a group setting, they are in "Data Consumption Mode," for future deployments of "Operation Gotchya."

[@MorganJServices]

You know it. Great comment.

[@masterdaveedwards]

It is a good insight, it is creepy and at some level diabolical… kind of like AI.

[@amandapriest9563]

Anything you say can and will be used against you at a later time.

[@rondajordan1981]

😂ve your comment!

[@peacefulheart433]

Perfectly said. So sad. But oh so true.

[@user-fs6ou3fk9p]

Wow, so true. After Mom died, it came out very strongly with her husband. It was so ugly and hurtful with no insight into my personal connection to her.

[@jameswillard-brown6697]

The narc always thinks they see what you can’t see and never wonders if they are the narc.

[@southernbelle6564]

Yes, the narcissist always makes more problems when they are needed.

[@lisadee9749]

Thanks Dr. Carter for your work. It matters.

[@SnarkasticSunny]

"IT MATTERS!!" (Yelling it from rooftop, so to speak.)

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased, Lisa....and you too Sunny!

[@tanteglitter2196]

Dear "uncle" Les, not only valuable to understand the narcissist for who they are but also so valuable for understanding our response to them and stay on our path of healing. You are much loved all around the world for helping us out. Your voice is kind and soothing....have a wonderfull day, to you and my fellow survivors...Nina

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks so much, Nina!

[@peacefulheart433]

Thank you! I hope you have a wonderful day as well. Blessings to Dr C. The voice of reason and encouragement.

[@susanparker9877]

My ex told me he had ADHD as a child and there were accounts of horrible childhood abuse. At one point I learned more about Childhood Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and how it mimmicks ADHD. I gave him info hoping he might find helpful info and useful strategies. Nothing was taken in, except his perception that I was putting him down. I've cut contact because of his alcohol abuse and bad behavior ( and was clear about being not willing to tolerate those) , so now I'm accused of calling him ADHD, Alcoholic, pill popping..... Sigh...... He does not take NO for an answer, and still calls and comes by. I do not talk to him. I will call the police next time.

[@henrykujawa4427]

I had a friend once for a number of years who I eventually realized was "passive-aggressive". He let his life slide into chaos, while always assuming I'd be there to help out. The part I really minded was how he always kept trying to tell ME how to live MY life. I kept giving him chances to straighten out, but he never did. Finally, one day, he showed up at my house, and rather than let him in, I told him somethng I've never said to anyone else: "I WANT YOU OUT OF MY LIFE." It took him almost 2 years to finally get the message... he apparently didn't think I was serious. More recently, I've heard on numerous occasions from my younger home care client about what a rough childhood his older partner had. Just the other day, he actually said, "Now you understand how he thinks." I didn't say a word. I understand how BOTH of them think, better than they do, and that talking about it won't help with these guys. (He was also ignoring how one day BOTH of them were being abusive toward me at the same time.) I've come up with a saying about this (which I WILL NOT tell them if I can help it): "Irritation does not excuse OBNOXIOUSNESS."

[@susanparker9877]

@@henrykujawa4427 You've seen the light! Thanks for sharing.

[@bcampbell1826]

You did a very kind and compassionate act treating anyone like that. Dignity, Civility and Respect. You practiced. These people don't see it that way, They read between the lines and have their own twisted sick way of listening to others. I know what that's like and it hit home with my current situation with my own family. Nothing was taken in, Yep I know that one too. They then use " projection " and put all the focus on you. No introspection on them selves to be just human and not perfect. No Contact and Grey Rocking is tools I use to cope with the BS.

[@susanparker9877]

@@bcampbell1826 Yes, I get you. Using those tools also. He still comes around on a 2-3 week cycle. Refused every time, but he still tries. Hoping it's sinking in.

[@umelokarnes5460]

Yeah you might want to buy a gun too (I hate guns). There are narcissist socialpaths and narcissistic phycopaths! My ex was a narcissistic phycopath! Poisoned my cat and was literally slow poisoning me. He was a Nigerian! He always told me how his tribe believed poisoning their enemies! I fled my home and stayed with my daughter. Took me months to recover. My cat died and mutiple doctors couldn't tell me what was wrong with me. It wasn't until I divorced him, got him evicted from my home that I found hidden Antifreeze! The best to do is get the heck away from those people.

[@judysimmons2771]

Thank you Dr C. I appreciate the work you do.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are very welcome!

[@MorganJServices]

Glory hallelujah, I avoided joining a very unhealthy group at my new church because of everything I have learned here!!! I resisted my usual behavior to naively jump in with both feet and 'find my place' by turning myself inside out to be a accepted. I observed behavior for the VERY first time in my life, listened to what was being said without words, honestly assessed the group dynamics & gave the volunteer activity a fair chance by showing up 4 times to work. The covert, deeply insecure narcissist woman acting as leader (but she was not the leader) let me know exactly who she was and I was a threat to her. She approached me once and started with the usual justification and love bombing. I simply said "I am not interested in having this conversation" until she walked away . After the 4th meeting, I went to the leader and told her that this wasn't the right church ministry for me and I would be moving on. I was properly stunned at myself. Me? Healthy behavior and thinking? What? How did that happen?

[@treelover1050]

Smart to assess things before you commit yourself.

[@SnarkasticSunny]

Wow! You did that great! No doubt sparing yourself from narci probs, yet you gave it a fair chance 1st. Color me impressed!😁

[@SpiralMystic]

Well done! That’s fabulous progress. I’m STILL learning! I’m such an enthusiastic person it’s natural for me to jump in head first. I’m too involved too quickly. So naturally I’ve got myself into narcissist’s spheres. In a recent irl & online group, I wondered why only a handful of us were involved and the rest lurking. Now that I know the leader is controlling I understand the cleverness of holding back. It’s so against my nature but I admire that you held back and I’ll be doing that the next time! It’s a sad reality of our world.

[@sage9836]

Inspiring!

[@morebirdsandroses]

This story is a real inspiration! I have gotten stuck too many times doubting myself so that I spend/waste time on harmful people just to be sure I'm being fair. Looks like a new growth area!

[@l.ameenaa4669]

They rarely say how are you. They tell not ask. Others do loyalty for them gets tiring even to watch

[@virginiacombs4896]

They will call you out , label you with ugly names and then turn around and say I love you and your last name is still my last name, you just shake your head listen to these videos and move forward

[@texasrefugee7888]

Good morning My KZbin father figure❤ Doctor Carter thanks to you I figured out I grew up very damaged in a narcissistic family and so I married Into one that was even worse! When I finally broke away from the control and shame and all the BS and started into therapy both families attacked. The horrible tragic and sick thing is I did the therapy so I could raise my children better than I had been raised no they're never gonna let that happen. They triangulated they turned my children into their flying monkeys. I actually had a terrible trauma bond with my children For years I couldn't do anything right I was not allowed to parent them by the selfish people who were manipulating them. It's been almost 4 years since I've had no contact with anybody and their families and I've never felt Happier. I did most of this healing on my own and Instinctively and although shares of therapy I never even heard the word narcissism or narcissistic abuse. then when I found you I understood everything. I think you save my life I know you save my soul by validating me and guiding me out of that. God-bless you

[@SnarkasticSunny]

DrC is amazing, isn't he!?! I just wanted to say how happy I am for you! Drowning in narcisstic family members on all sides & still, you made it out of that mess & found your own peace, joy & stability! So happy for you!!! Your inner strength is incredible! Now, go forth & be loved + live your very best life. You deserve every happiness nothing less!

[@Tahoejt]

I’m so glad you’re free and happy. Someday maybe your children will come around but in the meantime , surround yourself with healthy ppl who lift you up.

[@user-vt9kd4no8j]

Yes yes, exactly like me ! I’m just now seeing it’s a real thing! Especially listening to everyones stories here. I tried to raise my son better than I had it and they managed to destroy our relationship. Very insidious people. And they are still stalking me trying to blame me for their behavior. Anyway thanks for sharing…

[@peacefulheart433]

This is amazing! Cudos to you, you are a warrior and strong also demonstrating to your children peace and love.

[@rascallyrabbit]

i find that my only defense is my self respect. i am getting much better at walking away from anyone who continues to show disrespect. one bad comment is human but a continual barrage of meanness is unacceptable,

[@treelover1050]

YES. PROTECT YOURSELF.

[@barbarahill2392]

I particularly appreciate the answer about the death of an acquaintance. My mother recently passed away and my narcissistic minister father did the service. It definitely was all about him. I have decided to fully exit this relationship and my life is so much better! Thank you for helping me!

[@lynne-du9ql]

It's horrific that NPD people can be helpful, kind and loving, then when there's a problem they turn into a two year old toddler or worse. I wish I'd identified the red flags. Thanks Dr Les for allowing me to learn how to protect myself.

[@kathleenwharton2139]

Forgive them and RUN! 😊❤

[@ArtfullyMusingLaura]

When I would disagree with my mom as a child, she would shout over me and tell me I was wrong (a verbal beatdown). As an adult, if I didn't agree with her, she would say I only disagreed because I wanted to be contrary and aggravating. She could never accept that there were subjects or methods of doing things with which I honestly disagreed (actually quite a few). She believed her behavior, ideas, and opinions were the only correct ones. She was never wrong, and she never took the time to update what she thought with better information which meant by the time she was 89, her head was full of nonsense on so many subjects. Being such a rigid person did not serve her well. I learned not to discuss anything with her, basically "grey rock."

[@morebirdsandroses]

I'm laughing with tears because my mother seemed to think my name was contrary and aggravating! You brought that back and I thank you because it gave me the chance to see a thing that hurt so bad then just seems silly now. 😂🎉❤

[@evafisher929]

These comments ring true. My mother will be 90 June 5th.

[@SimbaAliaye]

Same here, she passed away at 84 being very rigid in her perspective on everything. She threw me out of the house when I was 16 and because of distance, I didn’t reconnect with her for a few years. I spent decades trying to reconnect to no avail. Even in last few months of her life, she was bitter and right.

[@bryanandrew7729]

The best thing to do is walk away from them you can't help them

[@angelapitts2123]

When I went nc with my nm , before I blocked her, she’d text me things like “ why won’t you talk to me” so I’d answer, well, can you answer this question, and then I’d ask Her a question then she’d go silent. Which proves she’d rather go to her grave than actually have a conversation with her daughter to work things out. So now ,I have been nc for four years and she’s blocked on everything now, I’m healing quite nicely❤ thank you dr C

[@treelover1050]

You tried with her but you saw SHE was not interested. Smart YOU went no contact.

[@christinelamb1167]

You know what's interesting, Angela? I went nc with my mother 3 years ago, after something so heinous she did to me that I could no longer tolerate having a relationship with her. I didn't tell her I was going nc, I just stopped talking to her. During all this time, she occasionally randomly emails me or leaves a voicemail, and acts as if nothing happened. No apology, no "can we talk", nothing. And this is the weird thing: not once in 3 years has she asked me WHY I stopped talking to her! This tells me that she absolutely knows what she did, and she's not sorry about it.

[@carolinekamya2339]

best decision I made...then you see its everywhere in the fam 😞

[@ejnix7874]

My mother was the same. Never could have such a conversation with her. Perhaps she never cared enough to mend the relationship.

[@MarleyLeMar]

The stronger you become in yourself, the better it is for both of you. It’s interconnected, so that makes it a win-win. It may not be an easy effort, or exactly in a straight path, or even as you envision it, but as you keep moving forward, yourself, the equation changes. Dr C is helping us do this. And Team Healthy. Also, in my experience, a spiritual attitude.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That first sentence...that's how healthy people think. N's can't think like that since they have to be on top, but you get it!

[@jordyn8498]

This is how I know that my mother-in-law’s love for her son comes from her getting validation, pride, and always putting him on a pedestal. Anytime we talk about our happy news together, she is cold and silent. Sounds disappointed and gives me that “glare”… but when it’s happy news about his accomplishments she’s SO happy and enthusiastic. She knows we are happy and I know it makes her mad (lack of control over him). If a mother or father has unconditional love for their child, they wouldn’t do that.

[@bereal6590]

They're jealous of and threatened by their own kids. That's my experience. My mom now 80 tends to rewrite history. Too many people have children who don't get that it's a massive sacrifice, theyre a separate person not an accessory. They'd be better off with a.i. dolls that did and said behaved exactly as they want. It's like being smothered by a needy person rather than being parented.

[@mireadossantos4610]

My husband is a narcissist, I just closed the doors to him. I ignore him and let him talk to himself. He does hurt me but I don't let him know that anymore, that's my defense.

[@andyanderson6522]

Good plan

[@sambrewer2306]

I want u to know your have really empowered me and helped me for the past year. My narc is my father and i have been lost for my whole life. I had back surgery and for 5 years had to come back home live with them again. And he is very much worse. And getting worse. Thank you

[@masterdaveedwards]

Your fluid understanding of this human condition is so clear, just listening to you from time to time just makes me feel sane. Thanks for the tune up because the Narcs around me refuse to have their plugs changed!

[@MrPaulhr]

Thank you for highlighting the differences when someone claims they don’t feel heard. My partner regularly shouts “You’re not listening to me…are you deaf?…you need to get it IN!!”.

[@beverlyorlando8040]

Before I knew better, I'd tell him it wasn't a competition. That we were supposed to be a team. In time, I learned that no matter how many times I tried to remind him of that, he was obviously not capable of seeing things that way. If my opinion differed from his, that meant I was against him, and could never "have his back". The contempt and disdain this man had for me only grew stronger year after year.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

It's truly pitiable.

[@ClickerTrainer1]

My notes (not necessarily direct quotes): 19:30 The narcissist can say, "I know I need to be a better version of myself," when, in fact, their thinking is more like, "I need to do a better job of enticing you to stay inside my circle of influence." Once the crisis is over, they are back to their same old, same old. If the narcissist realizes that you are going to leave, that can really bother them. Go ahead and live your life as cleanly as possible with the understanding that some folks just say what is expedient in the moment. Reserve your full commitment until you have had lots and lots of experiences tell you that the narcissist really has had a breakthrough. 22:00 Q: Are narcissists desperate to feel heard and known for who they really are or is it just the false self that they want to be heard and known? A: Narcissists can say, "You're not listening to me!", but the implication is, "You better be!" Narcissists don't want a two-way street of understanding, they just want to get their way. They are desperate to be 'validated', but that is not the same as wanting to be understood. They want you to prop up their dishonest version of who they are. It's about manipulation. 26:00 Q: If the narcissist in your life wants to be with you during their emotional crisis, they can unload their emotions on you so that you can comfort them. Then, when they settle down, they are angry and get nasty because they showed weakness. How to respond? A: You might think that the narcissist sharing with you in such a situation is a breakthrough. But it is accurate that they may get angry with you after they open up to you. They are afraid of their own vulnerability. They go back to being entitled. Sometimes, in the midst of a really major crisis, depending on how far down the narcissistic spectrum the person is, they may actually make some healthy adjustments. But this won't happen with most narcissists. 30:40 Narcissists have a lot of envy. They are very entitled and want special treatment and material gains. When they see someone else receiving that, they think, "Waid a minute. That belongs to me." You can feel the agitation that goes along with their envy and anger. 37:30 A narcissist may set themselves up as the model of morality, but there is no empathy involved, there is no tenderness. There is condescension. There is egotism. It's a phony conscious. "I am such a morally upright person!" If they are that morally upright, why are they filled with hate? Why do they reject people so easily? Their 'moral correctness' is attached to hate and condescension. They are morally immature and way off balance. 39:35 Can a person have a lot of narcissistic traits but sometimes be really nice and friendly and pleasant? Can a person have a combination of both? Keep in mind that narcissists are schemers. One of the ways that they can exploit people is get them on their team and get them to think that the narcissist is really nice and helpful. They may come across as a decent person, when, in fact, it's all a ploy. The best way to determine if a person is truly entrenched in their narcissism is not to watch them while they are being nice. Instead, watch and see what they do when there is conflict. Healthy individuals can respond to conflict constructively. In times of conflict, narcissists tend to be destructive and harsh and rigid and invalidating. It is very common for covert narcissists to have times when they are nice and friendly because they don't want you to see what is really below the surface. A person who can respond to conflict with empathy and healthy accountability and reliability and can maintain respectfulness even as they maintain firmness, that's something to watch for. You're not going to find that in a narcissist. 42:00 A narcissist may apologize to get you off their back, but words are cheap. If the words are not followed up by a truly adjusted and healthy internal response, then know that you are dealing with a BS artist.

[@lindabell2940]

I cant begin, my Doctor. ,long ago, far away, i said it way back then, my Doctor can turn a person into just plain up, he will help, the unnatural, and put his community on the top shelf, he says that us folks can be ok, if, but that the system around us, he needs us to breathe, you folks give me peace, thank ya

[@ryanunderwood5465]

39 year narcissist abuse survivor here ♥️

[@ryanunderwood5465]

My mother from birth

[@texaspatty458]

​@@ryanunderwood5465....at least it's only 39 😑

[@ki10danielle]

Dr. C: you have been a godsend to me! Great videos, easy to follow and understand. Thank you!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased, Danielle.

[@sandyschneider6792]

I agree. He has been for me as well 😍

[@ASMRyouVEGANyet]

I have to laugh at "hoovering" I used to say that when my mom's beagle would sniff through the house looking for crumbs. "She's hoovering!!" 😂😂 She made so much noise with her little snout. It was so funny.

[@TroyChristensen-wn5uy]

Les is more. More than helpful.

[@markjayw666]

That is the most tragic thing to accept. I hear more like only 1% of narcissist far down the spectrum, meaning over 50% are able to improve only about 60%. To me, it’s insane as I just cannot think that way. I am always learning.

[@akai.christo]

Thank you Dr. C and Team❤️🙏🔥 Wish you and everybody here a wonderful day!! 💪🙂✌️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Papu!

[@generategoodenergy14]

Your best, ever! Thank you

[@rebeccawoolfolk5377]

I forgot to listen live. I'm sitting here in my new team healthy t-shirt and drinking from my new DRC mug, and ... I completely forgot! Oh, well, next week.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Really glad you got the shirt and mug. Now you're more official than ever!!!

[@thebiscuitrose]

I sense that. Instead of self-examination, of their deep wounds; they exploit, just so they can pretend to be important. But they are exploiting others. I know your struggling, I know what you did makes sense, but they create more and add to the problem I'm trying to resolve. Each crisis is "pretend resolved." They are not genuinely insightful. But I am going to reserve my commitment, until there is a genuine sense of trust.

[@rondasparks]

They are very strange , weird , and controlling and think people should put up with this and it's not going to happen with me , so they blocked me lol 😂

[@southernbelle6564]

Yes! Dr. Carter! At minute 38! Is such a great example. You can describe so well how narcissists behave and are at their core. You amaze me .

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased!

[@judyfreeman5193]

The narcissist is not controlling if they are right. They are being helpful.

[@SnarkasticSunny]

LOL

[@jenspelce]

Omg when you said ‘they may confess, but it will not take root’…that’s why I can’t move on. His confession has no root! Thank you 🙏 ❤️

[@LaniLanilei]

Good Morning Dr Carter ❤

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Good morning, Rita...although it's 4 in the afternoon here in Waco!!

[@LaniLanilei]

@@SurvivingNarcissism 4:46 PM (CDT) Waco, Texas 5 hours ahead of Hawaii☺️ Good Afternoon Dr. Carter.☺️

[@feliciajoy2264]

❤Thank you. I am in the thick of it.vyour voice pleases me and you are spot on. While I'm healing from 10 years of this horrible... ❤

[@snowbear1877]

My mother, who was a narcissist, often used to say "my conscience is clear".

[@umelokarnes5460]

My younger sister who was a narcissist said the the same thing on her death bed. She did things that totally destroyed our family.

[@lindafox1679]

❤ thank you! I appreciate you and all you do!

[@Chrissi35813]

I’m just thinking about the covert narcissist. My ex (who is also my child’s father) didn’t control in a typical way. It was always if I went to see a friend he would say “yeah I’m a garbage person you don’t want to be around me” and I get this urge to tell him that he’s a good person and blah a blah blah. I no longer do this, and that has caused some serious repercussions (him calling children’s aid on me, threatening and various things). But he says he’s not controlling because he never said I can’t go.

[@SnarkasticSunny]

Yep. That's a covert alright. Am married to one my entire adult life.

[@Chrissi35813]

@@SnarkasticSunny oof… that sucks big time! I guess I’m lucky I didn’t marry, unfortunately I had a kid with him so… that’s it’s own mess

[@twowolves888]

He didn't say you couldn't go, just used guilt trips to force you not to go. It goes with their plausible deniability bs they like. " I don't control you" = I just guilt trip you until you don't go, that way it was your decision. They are all evil

[@shelley7975]

That's typical behavior for a covert. They make you feel guilty for wanting to be with other people. And then you have to watch your back because they will sneak behind your back and make friends with your friends. They are extremely sneaky people.

[@shirleyhunt8769]

Didn't he?

[@terristripstipsandtalk]

I think I have some of these narcissistic traits 🤦 steming from early abandonment at 2 years old. I felt like a volleyball.

[@kathybrown6678]

It's very common to feel that way. The fact that you are asking means it's unlikely (that's what I've heard from many experts). Look into Codependency and reactive abuse. (Lisa A Romano has a free online codependency quiz)

[@mariahernadez9702]

Thank you Dr. C & community 🙏🏼

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're quite welcome, Maria.

[@Alice-fr1ef]

Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community from California. Thank you Dr. Carter for a very good session and you are surely a blessing to us that have to deal with these people.

[@PrivateEye_007]

Love your knowledge🤩🥰💝🙏

[@Mystic_Light]

Bear in mind that success is not linear for any of us in any field. I would say any personal breakthough in cognition is good. Can we reinforce the breakthroughs and support their recognitions in ways that would encourage them to continue diving deeperI was raised in a narcissist environment, then, of course, a marriage that was similar. Healing myself has been a journey and is what sparked my curiosity in psychology decades ago. Now, I feel that I'm healed enough to actually have a loving, supportive relationship. I just need to recognize the hidden signs of narcissist behavior. I think I'm getting better at trusting my intuition, though. Thank you for the education and Q&A, Dr. Carter. We can heal the world one darn person at a time if that's what it takes!

[@trishbech9082]

Thank You for giving such wise and informative counsel on such a sensitive and loaded subject with such compassion towards us all. Your grace and optimism is so needed as we navigate through these complex issues! ❤

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so welcome, Trish.

[@Craigdna]

Narcissism in hierarchical platforms such as government and corporations, and those underneath that endure the wrath.

[@j.darrel517]

These videos are not only a comfort but also validating and empowering. Knowledge is the most valuable tool in all circumstances. Thank you doctor for your much-needed insight. I would like to know more about narcissists that congregate together. I have three sisters, one of whom is normal, kind, loving, empathetic. However the other two sisters are brutal narcissists, to the point where one has driven away her adult children, whom I have a very close relationship with. But these two sisters who are both very narcissistic and abusive emotionally and verbally, always defend the other sometimes even lying for each other, the rest of our family does not stand a chance. These two sisters are brutal. I have tried to distance myself and of course take verbal abuse for it. I am in my sixties, the others are older, they are incapable of listening to logic or reason. Typical narcissist. I can't take their abuse. I suppose my question is, is it common to see to multiple narcissists in a close-knit relationship. Reminds me of juvenile mean girl cliques. They are thick as thieves, and one actually does have thieving tendencies.

[@quantumfineartsandfossils2152]

I know we all know this but you are extremely helpful to all people in all fields in all workplaces too for work place narcissist abusers 1:57 you are an amazing one of a kind scientist Dr. Carter also because you know how much your own species needs you & because you place the highest value on freedom & human rights in order to see the deterministic universe as it happens together because as you know this is where all our answers for anything come from: records not just witnesses

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks so much, Amy. This means a lot.

[@theresejenkins3159]

So as I listened to this towards the end. I'm feeling confused because I have been accused of being the problem. My saving Grace is that I do feel immense empathy and I know that the things that were done to me I would never do to anyone else. Sometimes I believe that I am suffering from imposter syndrome because I question myself every single day and I think if I could put that to rest so much of my battle would be resolved. And I would be able to move on there are so many nuances to this type of abuse that you have to get over to get to the next stage.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I'm so glad you're self-reflecting like this. Keep in mind how narcissists like to accuse you as a means of avoiding their own self-reflection.

[@theresejenkins3159]

It’s 9:27 pacific time I’m so grateful that you responded and am constantly astounded at how devoted you are to helping people that are escaping this type of abuse. I must say that I wish for you to live to be well over 100 because what you are contributing to this planet is invaluable. Thank you ❤

[@leanneb9111]

Thank you for your helpful insight. Could you look at the destroyed adult sibling relationship. The three of us had different roles growing up with an emotionally neglectful caregiver. Scapegoat.favourite child. Invisible/helper. Our relationship is non existant today. This is painful. Our parents have passed on but we remain estranged. Thank you.

[@francinenowell3947]

Dr. Carter your channel and explanations have completely changed my life. I have completely let go of these people that were an influence in my life, and am experiencing health in the best ways!!! Thank you!! The covert narcissist is so challenging because they’re so good at covering up their "real" ways, and they hook people in with "empathy". They look ( on the outside) like they’re healthy and like they have deep understanding about people. But you have to be close to see what’s really happening, which most people won’t ever see, because they won’t let them in close enough.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for such encouraging feedback, Francine. Glad to be on the path with you!

[@dinky-diridgy-didge636]

I had an epiphany the other day while just sitting staring into space. Thinking about my childhood like really early on. I can still see my dad with a big smile walking around singing there's a hole in my bucket dear Liza. OMG Haha was he being cheeky I thought. Was he singing about mum as Liza the little girl who walked around with a hole in her bucket expecting everyone else to fix the hole, rather than taking accountability and responsibility for her own bucket. ( Her lies and BS) 😅😅 So wish he was here so I could ask him 😂 😂😂😂 My dad would sing that song lot's 😂

[@marysuzannajayne1340]

Thank you! You make me want to be a better woman!!!😍🥰❤️🙌

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Very pleased!!

[@percystreet]

my wife just talks past issues - she may even act nice for a while - BUT without actually addressing the issues that I raise. If she tells herself enough that we have agreed to her way of doing things, then we have!!! She is spending nearly three weeks during the year on holiday with her best friend, leaving me to find my own holiday amusements. I have made my displeasure clear, but when I booked a holiday for myself to Finland, she was all "oh, that's great - you'll have a great time. You must tell me what it's like when you get back".............

[@sarahstrong7174]

I like it that you have such a comfortable looking room with books & paintings around you. That is great. It helps me to feel inspired to try to make my own place nicer.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, it's my man cave.

[@carolnahigian9518]

They can make a Week-Long Federal case out of a Misplaced Dish Rag!!! Just miserable!!!

[@clairewillow6475]

The story about the dog was sad, but accurate. It kind of reminds of the story of the frog and the scorpion. Sometimes vicious people can’t help but hurt others, even when it is NOT in their best interest

[@l.t.2356]

Hello Dr. Carter, I very much enjoy all your videos. I have also been enjoying the videos with guest interviews. I was first introduced to the topic of narcissism when I read Jan Silvious's book, " Fool Proofing Your Life." I must have read her book at least 15 times. I was wondering, would you consider having Jan as a guest on your program? She is a wonderful Christian lady who has been gifted greatly by God to understand the dynamics of character disorders. Also, perhaps Lundy Bancroft would be a wonderful guest as well. Thank you for your very helpful videos. You are my " go to" teacher on the topic of narcissism. Your loving, caring, gentle and deeply compassionate nature touches my heart so much. You are a blessing to all of us who listen to your videos. You are loved and appreciated more than words can convey. Thank you, Lu

[@rondasparks]

Envy turns into pure evil jealousy!

[@davashorb6116]

So much truth here. And healing. Thanks.

[@ceceliadavis471]

The narcissist I met in my late 70's was very thorough in the manipulative techniques he used which seem to be very popular these days with those on dating sites. It has taken me as long to come back from that, as the time I spent trying to build a relationship with him. I feel that he did not care for me at all and never missed me for one minute

[@amandapriest9563]

Holy moly that section about grieving is mind blowing. My dad's cousin died in a tragic way last year. My mom called me to tell me and at first I wasn't sure who she meant because I've seen him just a few times in my life. They lived across the country. He was close with my dad but not really with us. He was a nice man but there was no relationship there. She exploded over the fact that I wasn't sobbing and heartbroken. I felt bad for him and for his family but I wasn't going to fake grieve over someone because she expected it. My dad passed years before this. I grieved for him and miss him every day. My dad's cousin, while it's sad and I feel bad for his family, it doesn't affect me the same way.

[@ryanunderwood5465]

A true light worker, you are doing amazing, let’s continue applying maximum pressure! We love you UNCONDITIONALLY DR C😘

[@billywinningham8879]

Super clip love it the dog that got ran over snapped at you couldn’t be helped ! They are like the cosmocases they are flying below the radar they’ll have you blown away before you get the first shot ! Best place to be is in the submarine below water level mode with them !

[@Hope4MyChildren]

Appreciate you! Many thanks

[@suddenlyautistic]

Another great episode, thank you so much for sharing your insights and knowledge with us

[@stevenmorgan6164]

Thank very much Dr Carter for sharing with us your knowledge and time Your videos are a blessing to me because they help me understand my past and will help me in the future

[@stephieluvful]

What advice can you give when you can’t leave but a lot of hurt has transpired within the dysfunction family including triggers? Coping mechanisms? Thank You

[@SnarkasticSunny]

Important question. Hope he answers & I can read it!

[@TheTELproductions]

For me I tried to find more hobbies and to get lost in learning a new skill. Time away from the stress and feeling achievement from learning helped rebuild my sense of self. It depends on your situation, but hopefully finding some time for yourself can help you as well

[@cynthiafortier2540]

Sadly no contact is the only escape.

[@stevenmorgan6164]

Thank you Dr Carter Very enjoyable video I learned a lot God Bless you

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Steven.

[@carolnahigian9518]

One Narc actually chewed me out for losing 1 rag.. it fell between Washer & Dryer. ENDLESS monologues, about my " failure" End of the WORLD

[@elaineanderson2989]

It's very true in these connections that actions speak louder than words. Thanks doc Carter. ❤

[@Ma-Says]

Thanks for yet another great video! This one hit on so many issues with my grandiose narc spouse. In any conflict they want us to be in "alignment" which means that I need to go along with them. For years I did just to keep from having a big blow-up. Even before I learned that they were a textbook narcissist I started holding my own. There have been some rough spots with that but I finally just quit caring and held to my convictions. Envy has been a huge issue for them. They never admitted that to me but I can tell they are envious of my relationship with our kids. It can be awkward when they answer my phone calls and texts while ignoring them but I'm here to raise these children not prop up their ego. If their kids avoid them and don't have respect or admiration for them that's the fruit of their actions and words. As far as the conscience question I see that all the time. My spouse loves to "call people out" for anything and everything. Not surprisingly it doesn't go well. We have lost friends and had damaged family relationships because of it. Lately they've been concerned about how a friend of ours talks to his wife and wants to call him out. Well, get the plank out of your eye first! My spouse describes themselves as "harsh, driven, and abrasive." Every time they say that it seems like they are proud of it somehow. It just makes me shake my head.

[@shirleyhunt8769]

Funny you brought up the exact situation I'm dealing with 😢

[@kimbooker97]

Great words of advise I must Thank You So Much for helping me transition to leave my husband who is a classic Narcissist took me 15 years to break free now I’m looking forward to starting a wholesome healthy new life and enjoying my life through his condescending comments and very negative Thank you the best Therapist Ever 😊❤

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks so much, Kim...and best wishes moving forward!!

[@iammaxwellcole]

Love these Q&A. 😊

[@michaellippard6107]

I've only seen a handful of your videos, Doc, but you sure know your stuff. Thank you, thank you for your work, and thank you for saying that we live in a broken world; I know the spirit by which you speak, and I'm thrilled to be learning more about the embodiment of that spirit in its grand sense! I wish you the very best in all things.

[@Badics83]

Im watching you from Hungary since 2 years. I had 3 psychotherapists in the last 10 years. You re one of the best. I needed 20 years to understand the topic since this disorder was not allowed to be discussed for a long time. Only in the last 10 years. I ended up studying psychology cause no one was able to explain the problematic. I wish you a good health. Just to be a bit narcissistic, we could do a group picture sometime with all the people watching the channel :-)

[@teacup1703]

I am 69 yrs old and have made this discovery regarding narcissism in many corners of my life and the issues of my own I need to confront. Based on your education for over a year. Now that the controllers (2 - non-marital) are set aside with certainty and potential flying monkeys are being scrutinized: I feel very confident it is best for me. I am a scapegoat who has escaped and won’t go back. At the same time, I am the one doing the “rejecting” and I don’t believe I am a narc. If anything, I would call it mirroring and recognize it as such. Please confirm the difference. Thank you. Again…

[@AnnePerkins-po5jo]

Hi Patricia! I feel very similarly. I feel like the narcs in my life are projecting onto me. It is very confusing and leads to self doubt (which I guess may be a clue that I am not really the narc, after all). Maybe consider it is not that you have rejected them but that you just need to protect yourself by getting away. Then you may, like me, still get gaslighted about your own mental health, because not staying in the realms of the narcs is presented as 'uncool.' They would be upset about losing their scapegoat, too. Mine can just scapegoat to their heart's content if that is what they want, but they can do that away from me. They seem to think I should just accept their behaviour as natural or something acceptable, and my not wanting to participate makes me the disregulated one. This community and Dr C are a big help, though.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

First, I'm so glad you're making such good headway, Patricia. When they accuse you of rejecting them, that is less mirroring than it is projection. Mirroring is a fake form of empathy used to gain a manipulative inroad. Regardless of all the terminology...the bottom line is that you are standing upon DRC! #TeamHealthy

[@SnarkasticSunny]

@@SurvivingNarcissism 2 very fine examples of successes, due to what you've been teaching us all. It matters! And what a difference it makes ~ to understand it, be smarter & to feel confident enuff to do what's best for oneself & refuse to go along with narcis agenda. To find your voice & the courage to use it. (I'm not quite there yet, but will [hopefully], get there someday soon.😌) Kudos to both of you 🌹&🌹!! And to Dr C also🌱🌻, for all that you do to help us get to that point & to feel comfortable & confident with it. You are such a blessing to us all. Thank you!

[@teacup1703]

Hi Ann! Your insight (another clue…) is a boost. I am doing the work, on & offline. Filtering all this does lead to questioning, but another perspective brings consistent results based on the pattern of behavior. Mine and theirs. I can see myself at your place. Not our circus. Lucky to be this far. Yes, very much find Surviving Narcissism as much support as education. We certainly have company - wow!

[@teacup1703]

@@SurvivingNarcissism See? What would we do without you? Thanks for the fine tuning. It’s been a while - hi Gus. Always nice to see you back there.

[@bluestar.8938]

Thank you Dr Carter : )

[@virtualmorality]

Us Narc lovers can't see things too. Can't see how loving we truly are. Can't appreciate it own forgiveness. If we could, we'd love and forgive ourselves more.

[@lesliewoolnough7871]

Your a really great mentor to me, I’m learning so much from your teachings thank you very much Dr. C 🙏

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

From one Leslie to another Leslie...thank you.

[@Vraxx7]

The point about envy being anger really just hit home. My ex wife, would get upset when good things happened “to me”, even though it benefited both of us. She wouldn’t scream and yell, but, there would usually be some snide remark or passive aggressive comments, or pouting and complaining how nothing good happens to her. It never made sense to me during our 15 year marriage. Be it a wage increase at work (which is just a plus for the household) or someone giving a gift, to me, which is going to be shared, obviously. I looked at us as a team, so your ups are our ups. Your pains are our pains. She saw us as competitors. It’s something I can clearly see, in hindsight but, at the time it always left me confused and saddened.

[@gabrielwood9345]

You are the best.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thank you.

[@susanmunoz7688]

Another good one Dr.Carter 😊👍

[@merldog]

Great questions

[@mumcmillfields]

Thanks again for your great channel. From Devon England

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Elaine!!

[@little-miss-happy]

This was one of the best series of answered questions - I’ve been gone a year and after we signed separation agreement it really has gotten better. Time will tell if it’s real or just “window dressing” as Dr C said. I’m working so hard on having eyes to see the real- wether those are red flags or progress. I’ll never be beyond hope because I earnestly want the best for every human being. I want civility and safety for all of us! I truly want HEALTH for victims and perpetrators alike. What I’ve witnessed at the commencement of year two, is a great relief in him. I honestly think keeping himself covered for 43 years was had become so hard he became violent and I saw the resentment-. Im in no way denying my own abuse and pain caused by him) but I wasn’t beat in the crib at birth and I don’t think he chose this VNPD/style so my empathy is sincere yet all the while educating and feeding my spirit and protecting myself - I have hope for him. I think he’s likely a mix between all the cluster B’s soooo wish DR C could talk to him. His therapist first in 67 years of life/ is still after a year not diagnosing (if that’s true) but he does report she is someone that validates constantly. Even telling him that hurting me is partly my fault, cause I was “in the room” Still hope springs eternal in me. I know we will all be healed at by Great Healer at some point. I really see him trying so hard to make healthy adjustments finally at last’ oh that he had a therapist like Doc C!! - I think he’s one of the 5-15% that can get well IF IF IF he doesn’t give up! He’s getting help but without someone specializing in his specific brand of npd - mine can be so nice and lately is holding it together really well - since the start of therapy and medications he has not split in orob 7 months But it’ll take lasting eternal hope on everyone’s end and a commitment to lifelong therapy- which so far he is doing- (if that’s a truth; I’m no longer in rose colored glasses) and giving this vulnerable N a way out of this marriage to live his own life and giving him the space to seek and find the true desires of his own heart . Happy healthy SAFE and hopefully me 😊