Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters | Erica Komisar | EP 100

[@aoifebooth4273]

Being a stay at home mam is the greatest privilege of my life.

[@wellistik]

@@aoifebooth4273 I agree

[@mirjanaxx8899]

@@aoifebooth4273 i am sorry for you

[@aoifebooth4273]

@@mirjanaxx8899 I’m sorry for you that you don’t understand what you’re missing out on

[@mattdobbs-dr2rt]

​@@mirjanaxx8899are you dumb 😊?

[@WesternPatriot-v8m]

It’s a scrafice nit just a privilege

[@amandapflanz1041]

I went to college and worked until my son (18 now) was born. I have never worked outside the home since. I could not imagine leaving him. Trust your gut and not what society says. You’ll never have those years back. It’s the best

[@kristenskousen1317]

That's what my mother did! My husband's mother too. And it's also what I intend to do!

[@Isa-jr9en]

I am a single mom. How do you see that? If I don't work, my kid has no food...

[@proudatheist2042]

​@@bigbirdboxtaxpayers in my country pay for welfare to support single mothers. I have seen mothers who have children just because they get checks from Big Daddy Government, and especially to not have the father around. So, checks from the government to support children come with some downsides. I think anyone on welfare over a year or two needs to undergo a vasectomy or a hysterectomy.

[@samirajudith7204]

​@@Isa-jr9en check out minute 19, there are alternatives which are better then daycare. ❤

[@mcul3474]

​​@@bigbirdbox why would we want to further incentive the creation of single mothers? It is statistically a worse outcome. I don't care how that makes you "feel". If anything we should be incentivising a mother and father in the house. Currently we activity incentivise single mothers through welfare.

[@mariagoya2573]

If we’re completely honest, children need us way longer than the first three years. In fact, for hundreds of thousands of years small children never left home and were always cared for by their kin. This is how we are biologically hardwired

[@sugarspice7768]

Absolutely. The first three years is the very bare minimum. Children always need someone. Even adult children feel more loved and secure when they come home and mom is there. MOM is the heart of home. ❤ I hope to always be that safe place for my children. I will also add that dad is and should be the soul. Imagine if every child had such a warm, loving home. 🏡

[@daughterofthemosthigh3366]

I agree! I was home for 10 years. Even that was too soon! Those years are precious and we cannot get the time back!

[@Jesper-bl2ns]

That depends on the context. Through the history of humanity there have been multiple different cultures that saw raising children in different ways. A lot of them actually practised communal childraising - and in a lot of cultures it was really not a choice. There have been and are still cultures that have rituals that deliberately separates children from their mother at certain ages to enforce growth - regularly through like scarification or similar to signify they are no longer infants/children. The act of separation is a necessary ritual - also in our "modern" society. As a psychologist and pedagogue I have seen parents holding their children back to keep them in a baby like role, like driving their 5-6 year olds around in a stroller. The way Erica is describing daycare centres in Sweden/scandinavia is wildly inaccurate. The employees in these places are university grade professionals that have been trained/taught advanced levels of pedagogy and psychology. It is not a place where you just dump your child - it's a place of learning and training skills by empathic and caring professionals. All employees are state-certified and approved by police and the institutions are regularly supervised and regulated to make sure they live up to standards. The goal is ultimately to make children ready to go on to school - that they possess the required skills. Another goal is to watch out for possible neglect and abuse - and supporting the parents if the children show signs of retarded development in certain areas like practical or cognitive skills.

[@helenebjerno6863]

The daycare myth that the children learn a lot in daycare is not true. They can learn more at home. Daycare is all about seperating mothers from their very young children in order for the state to taxate the double income. When that is said Sweden is one of the better socialist countries giving a lot of work-life-balancing parental rights. Denmark is the really bad country with just about zero parental rights once the maternity leave is over and it is short compared to Sweden ​@@Jesper-bl2ns

[@Sapphire37.]

💯🤌🏼

[@imjustvisiting5397]

This video got recommended to me at the right time. I got trapped in a very expensive training contract at my workplace and now they expect me to return to work 6 months after delivery. I was so depressed because I didn’t know how I was going to escape my debt. But, now I know, I need to prioritise motherhood above all else. No debt, no financial pressure can be a priority over motherhood for me.

[@sharievangilder6436]

I love this discussion so much and whole-heartedly agree. It saddens me however that in reading her book Chicken Little the Sky Isnt Falling, Erica believes that kids can choose their own gender. The fact that she perpetuates this lie takes away from her credibility.

[@summersoblivion]

I never planned to be a stay at home mom… but when my firstborn son was a newborn he was colicky and I had no idea how to help him. I couldn’t imagine taking him to a daycare and saying, “Here, he won’t stop crying… figure it out! Bye.” I knew my son needed me even though it was a very difficult to hold a crying baby for an hour or more. Then, once we figured out why he was colicky (allergies to dairy and gluten), things calmed down (as much as they could with an energetic boy). But the first 4 months felt like we got hit by a train. Glad we got through it. But soon enough my BIL and sister kept telling me to put him in daycare because he was bored at home with me (not even 2 YO at this point). I was told some women are career women (me supposedly) and only some are stay at home moms. They meant well but I was seriously offended and hurt. I’m so glad I stuck to my gut and stayed home. I was able to find a remote job teaching and that did not interfere with my time with my son when he was awake. Four and a half years later I have two gorgeous little girls in addition to my handsome little son. Obviously, juggling a remote job and 3 kids under 5 is not easy-even though I have an amazing hands on husband. Thanks to Erica confirming my intuition to avoid daycare at all costs, I sought a nanny and now she cares for my 4 YO and 2 YO for 3 hours a day Mon - Fri. They love her and I get to spend quality time with baby, do some housework, or even sit and work. I could have never planned nor imagined this outcome but God sends the help when you need it! Becoming a mom has been a huge blessing but has also brought up a lot of wounds from my childhood (going to counseling to work through this and makes motherhood feel less stressful). Honestly, it’s the hardest thing ever! But my little children are the best treasures God could trust me with and not a day goes by that I regret staying home for them. The days are long but the years fly by. Treasure them because the first 4 years are uniquely special. It’s not easy but it’s possible to keep your kids home with you! You just have to commit and then God sends the material goods. He always provides… prioritize the children! God bless you all.

[@Beachandpool]

'Allergies to dairy and gluten'. Many kids have allergy, asthma. Many get autism. How does that happen? Again, we are just told to do as we are told by 'authority'. They know what's best for our kids. Right?

[@twistedsmilez]

I really needed to hear your comment. I’ve been praying and asking God to send help. It’s so hard but I daily lean on the Lord. Thank you for the encouragement.

[@missnlahi]

Thank you for the encouragement

[@summersoblivion]

@@twistedsmilezpraying for you!! It might seem hard but believe me there are seasons that are hard but then a time of relief… probably repeat itself over and over. We must cling to God in the good and bad.

[@summersoblivion]

@@missnlahipraying for you!

[@Sandra-faith]

I'm a stay at home mum of 3. Never considered leaving them in childcare despite 'expectations' from some people in my life. I stayed firm in my beliefs and absolutely no regrets. They are now 19, 16, 11. It's my calling to be a homemaker and I love it. I also worked in childcare previously and did not want that for my kids. Little ones need their Mum.

[@karinasanz4870]

Well, one thing is to choose to take time to care of your child, I am all for it, and another is choosing homemaking as a career, which is not the message here… and women overall don’t want set the clock back…

[@katrinagross1637]

​@@karinasanz4870 I think women should be allowed to choose what they wish to do (while being aware of the potential costs for them and their family). What is the problem with a woman choosing to be a homemaker?

[@Coastpsych_fi99]

Love this. Hopefully you understand and respect it’s not everyone’s calling!

[@WesternPatriot-v8m]

Sandra your an amazing woman to be there for your children.

[@valariele8852]

It’s really hard to be a woman. I would say mommies also face lot of stress between choosing continue to work or stay home mommies. I sent my son to daycare when he was more than two years old because I wanted he has better social skills. I then decided to become a teacher to know better how he was at school. I now feel really guilty about my decision to send him at two years old. So now I don’t want my second child going to day care too early. I understand about mommy’s feeling so I would say they just try to do their best and no any judgment about it.

[@olivepennies4145]

I have trauma from walking away from my screaming 14 month old to "prove" myself to a boss during covid. She is so sweet and didn't deserve a mom who just walked away!

[@xiaolimai4178]

I’m sorry; that’s so hard. There’s so much pressure on parents to do it all, it’s hard to see where true balance lies with all the conflicting messages! The important thing is not to do everything perfectly but to acknowledge any mistakes and make changes where you can! ❤️

[@olivepennies4145]

@xiaolimai4178 thank you for this! I did it to secure a job with the best work-life balance. Luckily I have been there for her every summer and school event but I long to have been there in her first three years as I instinctively know this would have resulted in a very strong bond and would have been best for her development.

[@carolynbrightfield8911]

Yes, I empathise with this. My older son was 15 months old. Crying and screaming at the fly screen door of his first day of care. Horrible. A life regret of mine.

[@Леонид-в6х]

Don't blame yourself, you made the only possible choice as a working mom. Children are a big part of our lifes but we have to work to survive.

[@Beachandpool]

(((((

[@lilianakostova11]

In Bulgaria (Eastern Europe) there is 3 years maternity leave available during which time your job position is being kept. This time is divided as follows: First year the mother gets 90% of her salary, second year she gets the minimum wage (which is appalling but still something) and the third year there’s no monetary compensation but you can still choose to use it and not lose your job. Compared to other countries and especially USA these policies are fantastic. And yet, due to financial struggles or feminist ideologies, most women only take the first year maternity and then go back to work.

[@Koroedova]

The same is true in Russia, and I'm so happy I have this choice for my kids. BTW, I believe this policy in Bulgaria stayed from Soviet times.

[@stella9624]

​@@Koroedova Yes it has. A great remnant from that time. Bulgaria has Russia to thank for a LOT more than just her wonderful attitude towards mothers.

[@kapitanivanov]

Same in Ukraine. For each child, 3 years maternity leave(paid by the government)

[@susansmith493]

Christian countries, orthodox Christian even, that have strong limits on abortion tend to value moms-babies. You can't have it both ways.

[@fonjadidi]

That's really great, where inlive we get 20 weeks paid leave and 1 year total unpaid (includes the 20 weeks leave time wise)

[@Sapphire37.]

I wish I could like this more than once... I stayed home with all my three children, breastfed each till at least 18 months, and shared a bed with all till 5 years. It cost me a lot; no one close to me supported it, including their dad, who made things hard for me so that I would stop and find a job. But I wanted to protect them in their most vulnerable stages, and I knew it was best for them. It was very hard!!! But the Lord has been my strength and met all my needs during those times. I dont regret it because I trust I have provided them a safe and secure foundation that will benefit them long-term.

[@maryjoperezsalazar]

It’s crazy that you were made to feel you were doing something wrong. You just did what needs to be done when you have children. When dis we lose this basic knowledge and wisdom? Why are women shamed if they wnat to follow their instincts and be there to guide, nurture and protect their young? Crazy. But good for you. You did right by them.

[@nonozebra4196]

Love your choice❤❤❤

[@europeanportuguese1]

Um, that should have been a mutual decision. Yes it's important that the children be raised and cared for but it's 2025. The man shouldn't have to be the sole breadwinner if he doesn't want to. It's something that should be negotiated.

[@HopeAbigailDayan]

​The year has nothing to do with a mother's instincts. "Progress" has not been able to erase the differences between men and women. Men have men's priorities and women have theirs. Together we can make a safe home with provision for the future in which to raise children. ​@@europeanportuguese1

[@elenarewd9299]

@@europeanportuguese1 a man shouldn’t have to be the sole breadwinner the same way a women shouldn’t have to be the sole pregnant person, deliver baby person and breastfeed person. When men can carry a child to term, then they can stop complaining of providing financially for their child. I’m so happy my husband isn’t effeminate and understands the very least he can do is provide since he cannot carry, deliver or breastfeed a child.

[@yeseniafernandez2698]

I was raised by immigrant working parents. My mother worked not by choice they both had to work to care for me and my 4 siblings. However, before moving to the US my mom was a SAHM because she had the privilege to do so in her country. She always said if she had the choice to stay home with all her children. She 100% would! I now have a 2 year old & a career that I put on "hold" to be with him and my future kids & I wouldn't change 1 thing. Mothers if you are given the privilege to stay home please dont take it for granted!

[@WesternPatriot-v8m]

Having 4 children is excessive

[@kylielynn9398]

​@@WesternPatriot-v8m Really? You really need to comment on someone else's life. Stop.

[@kylielynn9398]

Having four kids is so cool btw. And being a SAHM is cool too!

[@minadady9950]

My first born is now about 3 ½ years and has begun Pre-K-3. He's FANTASTIC. He loves his teacher, and the structure is benefiting him. When he comes home all we do is physical activity to make up for all the hard work he's done. Prior to "school" I've been home with him the whole time. We never daycared him, I didn't work. And now I'm doing it all again with his little brother, who's about to be a year.

[@WillemijnBrechtje]

Thank you for this podcast, as a young mother it is so uplifting to hear i am doing the right thing. I've had so many people tell me it's better to bring them to a daycare so they can socialize yet when our kids are in a group setting with other kids mine are better behaved and have better social skills. Also people are always amazed at how little my babies cried and didnt use a pacifier during the day because i was always holding them and breastfed. Listen to your motherlyinstincts❤

[@texasthomson7014]

It is absolutely NOT better for a baby or young child to be in daycare IF being home with their momma is an option. I’d like to encourage you to continue staying home for as long as possible. I know the days are long, but the years are short. You will never regret it. I do understand it is not an option for all moms - I wish it were. As a momma of grown children, I am praying for ALL the mothers in the world. God bless each of you. You are never alone. 🙏🏻😊💛✝️

[@Gibi242]

I’m a teacher and my students who had SAHM are 100% better behaved and my daycare students definitely have either complete or some sort of unhealthy attachment or anxiety when it comes to separating from their parents and constant worry and look for attention from their teachers in a different way than students who had their SAHM.

[@WillemijnBrechtje]

Thank you for the comments on my comment :D but to clear things up i am not fully a stay at home mother. I do work parttime as a caregiver to people with mental and physical disabilities. But when i work my husband is at home with the kids.

[@texasthomson7014]

@@WillemijnBrechtje Cheering you on from Texas! God bless you and your family. 🙂

[@chancrystal1968]

Being with them is hard, but leaving them is VERY much harder. I was told too by other moms they are fine, to put them to daycare. They learn and have other teachers to love them. Have more ppl ard them to love them in life not just having you alone. But 2.5years later, having him to tag along with me to my workplace, home for nap, out and about tgt. Yes it is hard and messy. But the first few years will be gone by soon. And soon they ll enter schools. I realise they learn to social by observing what the adults are doing, with great patience and understanding, they seem to learn abt the world faster n skills. Im glad i choose to be full time mom.

[@micaelamcknight6967]

As an American listening to this it breaks my heart. I have to start Work again. I saved every penny for years to be able to buy a home. Instead I used it to stay at home w my daughter. She’s 19 months. The idea of leaving her all day terrifies me. We do t have friends or family and have breastfed and co slept. I haven’t once had someone come to cook or clean or babysit. I hate society towards moms

[@stella9624]

You have done the right thing mama. Please do not lament your choice. Buying a house is possible at any time but that precious time with your child is a gift that is only given to you once. Never regret that choice, it was the right one ❤

[@stormygeo]

That's honorable. I do recommend finding a safe babysitter/nanny. For us, we had doctors appointments and later on date nights. It's nice to have a trusted person (our family isn't close by). We've never used a cleaner though.

[@ScienceInMedicine]

not only moms

[@stormygeo]

@@micaelamcknight6967 You can work and stay home with your daughter! I did child care, but it didn't work. I, then was paid to go to school with scholarships and grants. Have you used the Pell grant? It's money for low income families. Pell grant and a scholarship would give you a refund to use for bills. And you can take 100% online classes.

[@WesternPatriot-v8m]

Your doing the right thing stay strong and know it will all turn out well for you when your children get older. Your a fantastic mother scraficing all you have.

[@saltchuckwest]

Never ever thought daycare could replace me and made sure I could stay home. Building blanket forts to each lunch and have a nap in was awesome. Still got shamed by working Moms which made me chuckle cause their stress was palpable.

[@nefr3375]

Preschool nor daycare want to replace you. They aren't there to be you. They are there to help your family grow.

[@timmckinstry1547]

​@@nefr3375 well, they are a substitute for you, for those hours the child is there. It is what it is.

[@nefr3375]

@timmckinstry1547 A substitute teacher isn't the same as a parent. The parent is always the primary caregiver and teacher, and children recognize this difference. While parents are the most important educators, teachers can provide valuable resources and effective teaching methods to support a child's development as well. The teacher and the mom have different meanings for the child.

[@saide-z2g]

Their children will develop psychological problems at best, physical & psychological problems at worst. When they do, we wont shame them for leaving their babies to strangers who have not cared for them like We did. Noone other than mums will sacrifice everything to care for a constantly demanding baby.

[@nefr3375]

@saide-z2g What makes you say all of this?

[@janakiyeluripati6368]

I'm a mother of 2...both of them just 2 years apart. Now 12 and 10, I'm a stay at home mom.I gave up my job since pregnancy. I enjoyed pregnancy and child care. I'm proud that I didn't leave my children with somebody else. Moreover I have beautiful memories with my kids when they are babies....I still remember their first steps, first fall, first excitement at play, crying to be breastfed...and the list goes on. We need them as you age and those memories are so personal. Childcare is like grabbing many of them...

[@CJ2023Incognito]

17:32 For how smart the human race can be, we are pretty dumb sometimes. Of course holding your baby matters!! How crazy, we had to learn this.

[@alexxx4434]

We're not dumb, it's just there are certain economical/societal incentives that push us into conflict with our human nature. Economy wants standardized, replaceable, independent, atomized human robots, that are productive as much as possible. Social bonds create resistance to that, hence why we see a slow erosion to anything social in 1st world capitalist countries.

[@thehoneytable6820]

I stayed home with my four children their first three years and I absolutely cherish that time. My youngest child had no issue being separate from me so I went to work earlier with her and my Mother watched her. We choose to stay in our hometown to be close to family. I now work as a Kindergarten teacher and I am truly troubled by the behavior, anxiety and antisocial behaviors of these four, five and six year old children. This has led me to watch families in public with their children’s behaviors and I literally pull out my phone and take notes on my observations. I want to figure out how to help parents and children. I notice parents do not set firm boundaries and they are swinging from being completely passive to angry. My advice is stay calm, set firm boundaries and enforce them, natural consequences, don’t give them tablets or phones. Comfort the children when they are sad or upset even if it’s nonsensical to us, met the physical need; rest, food, undivided attention etc. My mother stayed home with us and was very attentive and compared to my 15 first cousins we are more well adjusted adults even though our father was an alcoholic and we did not have money.

[@annmihut665]

You have very good advice ...I should take notes on that

[@sugarspice7768]

Grandmother watching the children in a home setting is not comparable to a daycare. I'm happy you have such a supportive mother who was willing to set up.

[@WesternPatriot-v8m]

Thank you Erica!!!! Your wisdom and knowledge is valuable especially for millennials raised in daycares that lack parental skills to raise children whom never had someone there to model parenting to them full time. These millennials are not the wisdom on how parenting ought to be as they have no experience or knowledge on what it means to have a mother present and at home 40 hours a week . Continue your fantastic work and know millions of mothers are with you along with daycare raised children that lost that experience being home with their mothers being unconditionally loved while their parents were at work. Future generations will benefit from your work. Continue!!!!

[@sharievangilder6436]

I love this discussion so much and whole-heartedly agree. It saddens me however that in reading her book Chicken Little the Sky Isnt Falling, Erica believes that kids can choose their own gender. The fact that she perpetuates this lie takes away from her credibility.

[@bigthangz5489]

Tammy Peterson, you & jordan are amazing. You are helping so many people.

[@lucyfields9768]

Thank you for this. The best thing I ever did was ignore all the professional advice and just listen to my instincts. I got a lot of flack and it was hard but I don’t regret it. I know it was best for my babies.

[@karinababy6557]

Thank you for these videos. I went to school for early childhood education I am now a mom of an almost 2 year old beautiful boy. I am a stay at home mom and love it. I also plan on home schooling him.

[@mstar4150]

When I had my c section with my second child, the nurse told me she wouldn't wheel me to see him (she was a "peach"- sarcastic). I had only held him once for a few minutes at that point. I sobbed and sobbed and finally said, fine, I'll walk. After only 3 hours post op, I used a walker and very painfully hobbled a quarter mile to the next wing to see him and breastfeed. Afterwards I was given ZERO post op instructions to heal except for "dont drive". Post partum care needs to come a long way in the US. On a other note, I stay home with my kids and we dont go on vacations, have much extra money, but I could never leave my babies. Its only for a few more years and when they're in school I'll look for a part time job. I'm glad these women aren't afraid of the inevitable backlash about speaking about this. Just ask any teacher- they all say kid's behavior is getting worse and worse.

[@vintagejaki751]

Why did the nurse not wheel you to your baby?

[@mstar4150]

@@vintagejaki751 I don't know. She was awful. Super loud, obnoxious and unhelpful.

[@TotallyCoral]

My parents are in denial that I’ll quit my government job once I have a kid. I’ve struggled 4 years of infertility and finally found the cause and will most likely conceive very soon. I’ll have 6 years in my gov job and I told my mom yesterday “when I quit…ect” and she said “noooo you’re not gonna quit” in a smiling joking manner. She wasn’t an available mother to me growing up and I looked at her and I said I would be damned if I spent the last 4 years trying to concieve, 2 surgeries later, to have someone else raise my baby. See there first step, first word, everything. I’d be DAMNED.

[@missnlahi]

Good for you ❤

[@JemInThe999]

I was in the Navy for 13 years, successful first class petty officer and when I met my husband things clicked and I began truly considering the lifestyle I wanted with my own family. Then we got pregnant and I was firm on leaving. Co-workers and parents told me I was making a mistake, discussing benefits and healthcare etc.. but no. Being away from the stress, at home with my family and the blessing of being with my baby without a time limit is everything! No regrets! This feels more rewarding than any professional achievement I ever earned and now that I have my baby I could not imagine deploying, detachments and working long hours just for some benefits. Follow your heart. Follow the truth beyond the world. Trust God and everything turns out better than imagined ❤

[@TotallyCoral]

@@JemInThe999 oh thank you! That’s beautiful. My husband is very successful in the military as well, he’s a TACP(JTAC certified) and it was always his dream. I have a very real chance of him become disabled at any point. People would say I’m crazy haha but I refuse to live my life in fear of what ifs. I have trust in god that he will bless us with a baby even if I need IVF and I trust in my intuition and faith that things will work out. He chased his dream and succeeded with my help and now it’s my turn to chase my dream and for him to support me. A life of balance 🫶🏻

[@JemInThe999]

@@TotallyCoral Even better! While he is in, and enjoys what he does then it is ideal that you are opted the natural opportunity to stay home with baby and support the family dynamic only the way a woman can. Forget other people they will Always have something to say (Even when you become a parent) the support is awesome but all of the opinion and suggestion can be annoying 😆. At the end of the day it is you and your man and if you both are happy and on the same page then that is all that matters. As for the disability, yea 100% will be compensated. I’ve witnessed kids (I say kids because they literally join at 20 get out at 24) with high rating just because they were tactical lol. With that being said those who have genuine wear and tear over the years are even more guaranteed those aftermath benefits. Also, YOU SAID IT EXACTLY. Living in fear is a path too common. Not how we are intended to be. Also, similar to you I believed I could not bare naturally because of PCOS but once I began a holistic vitamin approach within 5 months I was pregnant. So yes, God knows your heart and giving your life and trust in Him WILL bless you both. 💗 Forgive the long response. I just resonated with what you wrote and want you to have that extra nudge of confidence. ✝️✊🏽💕✨

[@WesternPatriot-v8m]

Good on you!!! Your child will be so happy

[@hannahbrothers6666]

I recognize my own postpartum depression and have sought help for it however I’m home with the kids. My husband’s work calls him away from home for weeks at a time. I struggle in isolation in a rural area without any extended family for help. It’s good to know I’m not the only one feeling this way.

[@christinehaylock8428]

I was in precisely the same situation. My husband worked 6 in ones, which means we saw him after a 12 hour work day, briefly, and on Sundays. So not much. I started part time daycare when my son was 2.5 years old, for relatively short days. And we got really lucky with an attachment-based daycare with caregivers who really loved those kids. That helped our family immensely. It's not one or the other.

[@may-fz3tn]

Please reach make the effort to reach out to others, isolation can be dangerous.

[@grannyannie2948]

Thank you. I have been crying this from the rooftops forever.

[@grannyannie2948]

@@RStewartRStewart This is the first time I've heard a serious discussion on the subject.

[@proudatheist2042]

"Crying" sounds like an off putting, hysterical word. Do you have any research backed books or papers to cite when you say that mothers staying home for children is better than the child going in to daycare to cite when you talk about this with people,m

[@grannyannie2948]

@@proudatheist2042 I studied psychology at the turn of the twenty first century. There was tons of evidence, for young babies it was worse than being abandoned at an orphanage because it happened every day, and in some centres multiple times a day. It is not until children are able to understand the passage of time, not necessarily by a clock, but by the regulation of activities, that children do not suffer irreversible emotional harm, for most children this is the age of three and beyond. I meant crying in the context of drawing attention to a problem. Two generations have suffered this disadvantage in development. Which I believe is why we have such a fragile generation of young adults. I dare say we live in different countries.

[@proudatheist2042]

​@@grannyannie2948I appreciate your feedback. When you say "I daresay that we live in different countries," I am not sure if you mean that you think you and I live in different countries or if you are referring to the generations that were.more likely to have gone to daycare.

[@proudatheist2042]

​@@grannyannie2948I must say your insertion of the phrase "children do not suffer irreversible harm" is confusing to the rest of your message. I reread it several times because I wasn't sure if you meant that irreversible damage didn't occur until children are older or if you had negated the rest of your message by saying daycare isn't irreversible.

[@tashacool5424]

What an upside down world, where a mother is looked down on for staying home, as if she gave up on herself.. and in a way, Yeah she did, but for something greater- for her Child and Family, when did ist stop to be admirable though to think about others first? And also that is the most rewarding and fullfilling thing to do! And the grestest gift for society as well!

[@glydedurso]

Wow I really resonate with what Erica said about mother neglecting their kids physically and or emotionally being the real issue on learning disabilities. My mother sent me to sooo many learning disability tutors because I was not performing well in school and I was delayed at home I guess but I failed passing the ADD and ADHD tests because all these tutors were giving me emotional support and being present with me that I ended up performing well around them!

[@celestesmith3044]

I am 62 I still home I love it It's good that I did the correct for my daughter

[@grannyannie2948]

Hi I've been doing it all over for the gkids

[@brandynash1409]

I worked at a daycare right out of high school. I had to work the first 2 years of my child’s life, but I was there during my lunch break. I’m so thankful that I had my mom, mother in law, and grandmother in law to help with him as an infant. And a very good friend as he was a toddler. I was able to come him when he was 2. I haven’t been at home since with all my children and have now been able to homeschool them all too. Daycare was NEVER an option for me after working in one.

[@christinacolungaquiles8475]

I COMPLETELY agree. I am a first time mom. I was put on early leave from work and a month later had my baby early (preemie) my partner and I decided I stay home and take care of baby. My family always asked when I was going back and I know offered to take care of baby when I went back. In short, it’s been four years and I care for my child. My job was nice to offer part time work which I work on weekend. I now realize how greatful I am we decided and are making it financially me staying home. I wish society would encourage stay home moms and more help that that is whats best

[@KoruGrove]

This makes so much sense… I’m a stay at home mom who is currently dealing with the consequences of depression in the early years of my child’s life. We are currently strengthening our bond and mother and son. I’ve become more playful and attentive as a mother and wife. I couldn’t access this before placing my faith fully in God and his divine plan. ❤ Tammy I love your family and the information you all are sharing wholeheartedly. I pray for your family that God will protect and guide you all on your path peacefully. Thank you for all you do. ❤

[@proudatheist2042]

Why was God's plan for your child to deal with such an awful condition like depression? Why didn't God include a concise, evidence based framework for raising children in The Bible?

[@thatlldopig911]

My son's about to turn 3, he's been with me every single day of his life! My husband (his father) takes him to visit his grandparents almost daily after he finishes work while i cook dinner (hubbys parents only live 5 minutes away) and i take my son out myself 3 times a week either to playgroup, kids paradise, airtime, to the park to feed the ducks or even just out for lunch and a playdate with a friend. Then every Saturday we spend a the day together as a family and every 3 months we book an air bnb and go stay somewhere new and explore different towns. We have NEVER left him with anyone, not even family members. Hes our son we manage on our own. We also co sleep. I have no regrets, daycare statistics are frightening at best and i won't even consider it. Children don't need daycare at all for socialisation or development almost every study is conclusive on that. Why is modern day motherhood success especially in western countries determined by how much space we can put between us and our children! 💔

[@TanyaDavis954]

😮😢

[@Ehlaar]

Sounds like a dream

[@maryjoperezsalazar]

This is 100% how it should be. It’s mind blowing that you seem to be in the minority of parents who do that. Good for you.

[@WesternPatriot-v8m]

Tammy you ask great questions. Erica you answer them so well.

[@carolynbrightfield8911]

As a 1970s feminist, i thought we were "fighting" for the right to make a choice - not simply be pushed earlier and earlier back into the white pxtrixarchicxl workforce. Women have fallen for the story hook, line & sinker. I worked in a STEM field, and by 1990, I had fallen for what has evolved into the "awake" story. My happiest years and memories are the almost first two years I stayed home with my sons. Instinct told me 3 to 5 years was right, but I was "driven back" to work by finances, an unstable marriage and career working conditions. Three years is essential!

[@user-yn9mx7xu1r]

Feminism in the 70s was about fighting for the right cause. It has deviated from its true meaning to something almost unrecognizable.

[@eoh6708]

​@@user-yn9mx7xu1r you have no understand who was behind the curtain of feminism

[@kassandranorton1842]

I am so happy that Tammy is diving into this topic. Thank you!!

[@gabriellelovesjesus11]

Thank you for this episode Tammy! As a young mother leaving my baby to go back to work never felt right. I looked at how our creator designed us and felt very convicted. Why would God give me the ability to breastfeed and arms to hold my baby and instinct to protect my little one only to leave him or her in childcare? So I could go back to my 9-5?

[@proudatheist2042]

God doesn't exist. Remember, the Bible explicitly calls for abortion at times, genocide, murder, and slavery. Biological instincts have nothing to do with socially endorsed mythologies.

[@jessicaladd1508]

Thank you Erica! For fighting for what’s right for Moms and Babies!

[@deliacomandc]

One of the best podcasts! I wish everyone, mums and dads, would listen to this. Such a great, healthy, powerful discussion❤️

[@WesternPatriot-v8m]

Delia exactly!

[@MakerBees333]

If you wanted to adopt a daycare-worker then daycare is a great idea… if you want to have children you like you have to be 💯 present. Just staying home isn’t enough if you are on Facebook etc… Well done, great show

[@nefr3375]

How would kids learn about other ways to handle things? If the kids want to be 100 percent, how do you justify limiting their knowledge on behavior?

[@sharamadsen3080]

I plan to remain 'home' until my kids are in college. I have kids age 8, 10 and 12 and they need me before school and immediately after as well as often on school days (field trips, days off, holidays, sick days, volunteer days, doctors appointments etc). Afternoons are activities; then we have supper, homework, bedtime. Any time without the kids is catch up on housework.

[@janetmcguffey1394]

I didn't use a sitter until my son was over a year old..also didn't force him to do pre-K....we struggled, but made it work financially.....it was a complete scrifice for me...BUT I knew to have a child, I had to be fully present....no tv until he was a toddler (then only max of an hour a day)...

[@jacquienel7576]

So true, thank you for voicing this. Your gut and entire being feels viscerally that leaving your little baby is a problem

[@jmk576]

I always felt selfish for insisting on staying home with our son. Everyone in my life was telling me how great daycare is. My friends and my mom (who was a sahm) would tel me how my kid needs to be socialized. My husband knew I wouldn’t budge. Fast forward 15 years and two more kids and a puppy, I wouldn’t change it for anything. I worked part time as needed. I was my kids primary caregiver. They are all going to be in school starting this year and we still see the need for me to only work part time. Kids need their parents. If your house is big and your cars are nice, good for you but if you are doing it at the risk of putting your kids in daycare, think again. You can never get that time back. I always hear “we NEED two incomes”. lol. No. Most just WANT two incomes. Leave daycare for parent who actually need it. Then those kids might actually get the care they need. Daycare was not meant for all. It was meant for kids at risk.

[@dahliadoom]

Tired of people thinking that kids who stay home won’t be socialized! There is such a thing as over-socialization I think

[@kassandranorton1842]

You posted the best comment. Thank you. I had acquaintances that tried shaming me for staying home with my son. They believed the routine and socializing taking place in daycare was ideal for a successful person. This woman also said she had to get back to work after her son turned one year because she felt like her brain was turning to mush.

[@AJourneyBackToEden]

I'm happy not letting my child socialize with random people who I don't know.. children are so easily influenced and I don't want to gamble with what my child may or may not be exposed to especially at such a young age.

[@Golf2foto]

Signed my daughter up for a „playgroup“ for children that are not in daycare three mornings per week. Had an awful feeling about a new teacher and a plus stay with my daughter. The second week after an hour I got pressured to leave but - thank God - came back early to pick her up and walked in on that new teacher pulling my daughter down by her arms. Called her out, left, reported that person and pulled my daughter out immediately. Of course never an apology or statement. Have been struggling with guilt for going against my gut feeling. Please listen RADICALLY to your instincts!!!

[@esthahyahgeh6533]

Ladies, thank you for doing this podcast. Thank you for everything you talked about. My whole life, I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and mother. I was single until I found the right man at 36. And starting in my thirties, people started to suggest I have a baby alone, adopt, or do foster care. It blew my mind that their solution was to tell me to be a single parent. All the data available screams that children need a mother and father. And, i wanted to be a WIFE and mother. Single parenting would be an absolutely catastrophic decision. Especially knowing myself, I know I need help. I know it's not good for anybody. And as we know, yes, great people can step up and help a single parent when tragedy takes one parent away, through death or divorce or whatever else. Thank the LORD there are ways to succeed. But.... I was determined to be abstinent until marriage, and then do family God's way. *Huge, grateful sigh* doing family God's way now, and i thank Him every day for the gift. ❤️❤️❤️ Babies NEED momma and daddy. ❤️❤️❤️

[@sarahpeacefilm]

Unfortunately most husbands will only serve as a hindrance to a woman being the best mother she can be. They're not only big babies that need looking after but they feel 'cheated' that their wife isn't contributing to half of the household costs like their friends wives because they don't value her work as a mother. They become resentful at their SAHWife who doesn't 'do anything' many will undermine your parenting strategies and even impede it by modelling bad behaviour. Yes mother and father is optimal but there is a lot of strategic wisdom in doing it alone when the woman in question is late 30s and financially stable.

[@tessamelchior8415]

Wonderful interview. I am a soon-to-be mom. I am Dutch but live in Spain. I love a lot about Spanish culture, but when it comes to raising kids, I prefer to do certain things the Dutch way. We visited a daycare the other day, but just being there made me tear up. Now I have some new job-interviews standing for me to be able to start working at 7 pm, at home with baby. Idealy I will put the baby to bed first and then work. It´s an online job (online help-desk) so even if I have to get the baby, it doesn´t matter really. I know it will be challenging to be a full-time mom during the day and work in the evenings, but I am sure it will be worth it. My partner works full-time with irregular hours, so I prefer to be the stable factor for our babies.

[@B484event]

The first 4 years is the blueprint for your life. I had 3 children & didn’t work for 9 years, being home for my babies! Wouldn’t change a thing, best decision ever!

[@EC-rd9ys]

I struggle today because my mother, who stayed at home, was not emotionally there. She had undiagnosed pregnancy depression and im the oldest of 8 kids, so my mom was basically depressed my entire childhood. I can still admit my mom was a good mom, because she knew in her mind how to be a good mother. Its just the heart that wasnt there, and it was palpable enough to a small child that i developed some troubling emotional issues at a young age. I can only imagine the damage that a daycare could do, where the environment is probably similar (caregivers who aren't the parents, no one-on-one cultivation, etc.).

[@proudatheist2042]

I am sorry for the anguish you experienced. It's an awful thing to have a parent who doesn't enjoy parenting. I hope you find the support that you need. ❤

[@alexte7037]

But perhaps putting kids in daycare in order for the mom to have time for herself and/or seek help would have allowed her to spend quality time with the kids, rather than have more time with them but be completely absent. I am from Romania, where most women take at least 2 years of maternity leave. Often they get pregnant again in this window and will "stay" at home with kids 3-5 years. On mom forums I see a lot of them are burned out, depressed and have very poor/deteriorating relationships with their husbands, who don't find their place in child rearing.

[@marymilo9916]

I feel you xx

[@AJourneyBackToEden]

Yes, I experienced similar with my depressed mother who stayed in bed a lot and wouldn't provide what I needed emotionally.

[@AJourneyBackToEden]

​@@alexte7037I was my mom's first child and she did do daycare for some time then stayed home but regardless she was not able to connect with me emotionally. I have no bond at all with her now.

[@nessat4087]

I moved to Russia and my 2 year old is in day care from 7am to 4pm and it's amazing! And FREE! Instead of sitting in her car seat, she is getting fed, taught basic skills I already teach at home and gets socialized. She also has an incredible immune system. So happy to have her in day care. But.... not all day care is the same. Living in Canada I could never leave my child in daycare. In fact I couldn't handle my child in school in Canada. It's insane how basic consideration for a child differs in different countries... and our family has money. Conclusion, a good daycare will fully attend to your child's needs and you will feel right leaving your child there. Don't trust anyone and their words, trust your intuition... especially in the first 3 years. You're the mom and if somewhere or someone feels wrong, don't leave your child there.

[@rizcar4]

Giving my first two babies to daycare was the worst decisions I’ve ever made. Never again. Men need to hear this too. I wish my husband put his foot down and told me to be at home and care for our baby.

[@daughterofthemosthigh3366]

Thank you, Erica, for all you do! Bless you!

[@sjp4u338]

I stayed home with my babies and loved every minute of it.

[@theeverydaythrive]

Thanks so much for choosing Erica! Great topic. I have just purchased the book and am listening to this as a taster before I start reading. I have just had my first child (he's now 3 months) and I want to stay home as much as possible :)

[@bekks739]

I love listening to Erica and Tammy talk!!! Great podcast!!!

[@beehungry6190]

I am a single mother with zero support so this is for people who have help. I am lucky enough to have found a private daycare.

[@proudatheist2042]

Yes, particularly a husband or boyfriend who has the financial means and disposition to be a good father. Other people can help, too, but the biggest one is good father with the financial means to provids for a SAHM and a child.

[@nikkiiliza5988]

Even for those who are married this is not doable nowadays that everything is expensive. This applies to rich people and those with high income. Another thing, you have to be careful because many people who make money may end up abusing their stay home partners.

[@proudatheist2042]

​​@@nikkiiliza5988you are absolutely correct. There are people who absolutely cannot afford to have a SAHM for more than what maternity leave will provide. You are also correct about men who are naturally abusive taking advantage of a SAHM.

[@mirjanaxx8899]

Care is ok, don't let those ladies feed you this bulls***

[@nikkiiliza5988]

@mirjanaxx8899 once people Start living a comfortable life and have a support system, they think other people are doing something wrong... to deserve hard life

[@Nikki-ks6wi]

Wow ladies wow what a great discussion! Thank you for sharing your gifts

[@joys577]

Living by healthy extended family is good. We live by my sister who’s kid is mean to mine and she is a child ‘expert’ and doesn’t care that I prefer my kids not getting hit. We had to distance ourselves completely in order for our kids to be safe and not pick up bad behavior. It’s heartbreaking.

[@ruthiemarie1787]

This is why fathers should provide so mothers can stay home. Not the government’s job to provide. It is the father’s job.

[@HeyLady08]

Agreed. A lot more women would stay home with the kids if their husbands could afford for them to stay home. Unfortunately a lot of modern men want 50/50 or need the financial income their wives provide.

[@PinnacleInfotech-li3iy]

The children of today will be the healthcare providers, teachers, first responders, social workers of the future. The average professional wage $70k is not adequate in most places to support a spouse and child. Our laws and practices do not support healthy families. You have to go against the tide at every turn

[@kristinakoj2448]

Are you stupid? It is absolutely the governments job to encourage qnd support new generations, and birth rates increase. Your country flourishes when the birth rates are higher, when your generations are healthier etc. With torays economy, where adult man can barely support themselves let alone another 2 people it would make sense that a government takes care of young familys, and encourage more people to have children, who can grow in healthy ways. Innorder to flourish as a society you absolutely must invest in the next generation and think further in the future, not only for your lifetime.

[@susansmith493]

Women fought against that. This is what WOMEN wanted. Don't blame men.

[@Eren_Drager]

Feminism destroyed the single income home

[@a.l.4062]

Ich liebe Erica einfach. Hoffentlich kann sie noch viel mehr erreichen. Ich habe mich so dermaßen alleine und teilweise auch als hysterisch abgestempelt gefühlt mit meiner Intuition. Ständig will im Krankenhaus jemand dein Baby wegtragen, wiegen, füttern usw. Daheim ist die erste Frage nach 3 Monaten, ob das Baby schon durchschlafen. Leute, ganz ehrlich, wir sind doch als Gesellschaft im Ganzen gestört. Da wundert mich auch die Suizidrate postpartal gar nicht mehr. Ich hatte auch null mentale Unterstützung. Selbst Therapeuten schaffen es noch, dich weiter zu entwurzeln und wirken oft nicht authentisch und wie echte Menschen. Schlimm 😢 Frauen sind die Hälfte der Weltbevölkerung. Wir müssen einfach mehr zusammenarbeiten, um wieder ein Selbstverständnis im Umgang mit kleinsten Menschen zu erlernen. Und: hoffentlich nie wieder Krieg 😢 NIRGENDWO.

[@martanieradka4675]

Wear kids on you once they are born, stay home and you’ll be amazed by their radiant love and gratitude!

[@daniellegarcia9]

That link between ADHD and attachment is interesting… I have ADHD (no meds) and when I was little my mom had to leave me with grandma for days because of work trips. Most of my dreams consist in being in danger and being chased, and I don’t know why I feel in danger at 31 if my life is pretty safe and ok. Never thought of that! I had a baby recently and I decided to stay at home with her ❤

[@krisb.5327]

Leaving with your grandma is care from a family member. Care from a grandma is not daycare. That is a "kincare" relationship according to this research. They addressed this in their discussion. Leaving the baby with kin was the "best option."

[@sassychimpanzee7431]

​@@krisb.5327yeah, being cared for attentively by a loving relative is not the same as being put in daycare where someone only watches you in exchange for money.

[@miradl7968]

I'm a SAHM and I'm a psychologist and I care the attachment theory and my son has ADHD

[@KarinaKarina-gn6pz]

You pretty much described my dreams and I am 34... also they feel so real so I wake up so stressed out and exhausted... i hate it

[@AJourneyBackToEden]

Not every parent or grandparent is a caring attentive caregiver. My husband was left at his grandma's house often and he wasn't monitored much. He got out and wandered pretty far down the once when he was a toddler. He recalls growing up not being supervised and basically being able to do whatever he wanted (which wasn't great as a child who doesn't know good versus bad and right from wrong that well)

[@samanthaquant7411]

I remember when I used take my baby to the nursery at church and when a baby would cry, all the mothers turned and listened for a second. The mom of the baby immediately knew it was theirs and would sidle off to find them. 😊 I know I immediately knew my baby’s cry or if it wasn’t mine.

[@akina1053]

Ah... GUILT. Seeing my newborn in the NICU from his 2nd day of his life was so stressful, like it was my fault he got an infection. I FELT THE PAIN IN MY BODY not from the labour but something else. I couldn't hold him, breastfeed him, smell him, warm him up. It was torture. I knew he was looking for me. 😢

[@GeorgiaEvans-up5ms]

Same 😢 mine was in there from birth, so I didn’t get to hold him for the first time until he was about three days old. God bless you.

[@mckenna45]

I’m sure you’ve more than made up for that time since

[@chancrystal1968]

Cannot imagine how hard it is for you…

[@anniewiszynski3778]

I worked in the infant room at a highly lauded daycare. I promise you, staying home w your babies should be your number one priority. There is nothing natural about a roomful of 8 infants to 2 adult caregivers.

[@WesternPatriot-v8m]

Same here

[@Brainjoy01]

Tammy is so feminine and soft because Jordan allows her to be, you can tell he takes such good care of her 🥰

[@jessicamorrisonco]

I had to have a cesarean after an unsuccessful ECV procedure (my child was breech), and the way my skin responded to the stress of everything put me in the worst eczema flare (for months) in postpartum, while also recovering from the surgery. I was so scared to hold my newborn with how broken my skin was, and on top of everything else we experience in becoming a new mom it added an immense weight of guilt and depression for not being physically able to love her the way she deserved. Thankfully my husband was able to attend to her and her needs were met, but to this day it is still a struggle to practice grace for myself and not feel so negligent as a mom for not being able to physically able to meet her needs. It has also been hard to not question the bond I have with her compared to the bond my husband has, as their connection is incredible, so therefore hard to not wonder. But, I have faith, hope, and trust that with each day our relationship will get stronger. My husband and I both work from home, and thankfully my career allows me to set my own schedule so being present with her is much more attainable (and fortunate) than most women experience in the U.S.. I cannot imagine going through what we did and then having to put her into daycare: it's a blessing I do not take for granted.

[@proudatheist2042]

I hope you find the help and support that you need so you can lift the heavy weight of guilt from you. Best of luck to you and your family! ❤

[@ndkh7444]

This research should influence policy making. No point in guilting mothers. Mothers would be with their babies if they could afford to be.

[@pamm2652]

If you feel guilt that is on you. The facts are what they are. Make the decisions to the best of your abilities. Can also try to push the government for things with the data. You can do multiple things for a parent to be with the young child. Both parents can try and get a job that will let them work more hours in a day to work less day. If you are able to get it down to 3 or 4 days. You can do work while your partner is home. If it doesn't line up perfectly it is a easier ask of a grandparents . If one parent works part time in order for a parent to be home at all times with the other working. You could be able to still save more money. Because child care is a lot of money. Also child care workers are paid barley so it could be fairly easy to poach one of them. A lot of the time is about what one child is paid for to be there, so you might as well just get. You could even share them with another family. And your child is going to be sick less often. From what I've seen. In daycare most likely will be sick every month to every 3 months. Also by talking about it. It is helping the young people that aren't in that phase to think ahead and plan. Im single leaving at my parents house to save. In part so that i will be able to put a lot more down on a down payment which would bring down the monthly bills making it easier to stay home. Which i am planning on having to work at least some.

[@micaelamcknight6967]

@@pamm2652this sounds incredibly privileged. Super glad that’s an option for you it’s not for many

[@tiad.9142]

@@micaelamcknight6967it’s not really “incredibly privileged” that they have to have roommates as an adult to stay at home with their baby. At the end of the day we can’t wait on the government. Some people literally move states so that’s it’s cheaper to live. It’s up to us to decide what we’re willing to sacrifice for a life that we choose to bring into this Earth that didn’t even ask to be here🤷🏾‍♀️

[@amnovichkova]

Great podcast! Thank you for sharing. I am 27, a single mother raising my 2yo daughter. (Had to divorce my husband because he was behaving inadequately) I am facing so much devaluing of motherhood and all the work put in. Even by my own mother. The idea of working full time and not being able to be with my child when she needs me hurts me so much. So much that I made a choice to sacrifice a big part of my income and to pause my professional development. I am working from home part-time now. And my daughter started going to daycare recently. I still feel lot of mixed feelings, and some regret the way that things turned out with my ex-husband, and for what is going on with my job now. To be honest, I have been feeling lots of shame for not being able to work as intensely as I did before having my daughter. It is getting a little bit better now that I started therapy. And while my daughter is definitely a gift, coping with all of this change has been challenging. Thanks to my parents who help me to the extent which is possible for them. But it is so true that young women get confused because of all the contradicting ideas that come from media. I found myself to be confused. Trying hard to figure things out for myself now. It is great to hear an opinion which appreciates motherhood.

[@amnovichkova]

Another thing which came to mind, it feels like it’s not that easy to find a mentally mature partner for building a family these days. Somehow it is common that after a separation, the mother has to stay there facing the reality of parenting. While the father moves on living his fun and careless life. At least this is what I have experienced, and have seen among my friends and family. Hopefully, I’ll get to find a better partner in the future. But it doesn’t seem as easy and straightforward.

[@sarahpeacefilm]

I admire your courage for leaving him. Many women fail to see that unless they want their son to turn out exactly like their father, they need to run, and fast. Most of these men of course do not show their true colours until after the baby is born and they use the finance they provide to keep women shackled. This is why more and more women are doing it alone from the onset. It's a sad state of affairs

[@Poppy.seeds.]

Brilliant interview thank you. As a stay at home mum with an 18month old beautiful baby girl I really needed to hear this.. 🙏🏼 I was wondering whether I was depriving her a bit of group social interaction…

[@mirjanaxx8899]

@@Poppy.seeds. you are

[@evacope1718]

Do you go to mothers groups etc? Where I live they have open kindergarden where babies and children can play together while the parents are still present

[@bellamycat123]

It is the hardest job but the most rewarding!!! I am a stay at home mum, my child is now 4 and never attended nursery. She is the most confident, social and kindest little girl. When she is in a situation where another child is wanting to take her toy, or a child is sad my daughter always recognises this and offers her compassion and she makes the other child feel better!!! I get so much stick my child doesn’t attend nursery but I must say my child seems a lot more independent and comfortable in her self than other children I know that go to nursery! I love watching my child naturally separate from me knowing it’s her choice and she understands that I am always there for her and that she isn’t being forced. I have sacrificed so much to be a stay at home mum, hardly spend any money but I get my joy knowing I raised my child the way I wanted too! And I can do all the things for myself after she is at school and more independent.

[@eatnplaytoday]

I’m a first time mom to newborn. Got any advice? So far I am attending to his needs ASAP. He seems content enough

[@bellamycat123]

@ my best advice is not to care about what other people think! You attend, nature and love your child how you want! I read to my child from when she was born, I always comforted her when she needed me and I most importantly I took care of myself.

[@zhanarkudaibergenova3058]

Amazing insights ladies, thanks a lot!!!

[@ericajohnson5134]

Did anyone ever think maybe work hours could change? My husband and I were able to work staggered shifts to keep one of us home and our kids in our home raised by us. Not everyone has the luxury of working staggered shifts in a 9-5 based work world. Our kids benefit from the skills we both brought to the table and our adjusted, empathic and articulate teens

[@JuliaShonka]

We did this too! It minimized the time we had to use daycare. And we only used small, licensed, neighborhood daycare that were operated in a home setting.

[@DustAndGraceASMR]

If a mother lacks that sense of needing to be with their child i do believe its a problem with the mother due to mental health issues. I had very little interest in my child after she was born and we later discovered i was suffering PTSD from childhood trauma. Once those issues were confronted and overcome the maternal instinct was able to come to the surface. I studied child development in university and it didnt really sink in. But once i had a baby of ky own it was amazing all the knowledge about attachment and development that came back to the surface as i could see it unfolding in the behaviours of my own child! It's so important that women know the facts of child development, yet very few women in my experience want to listen.

[@cassandraanderson3314]

Well, put. I wish hospitals sent you home with more reading and flyers about pregnancy. I know some offer free birthing classes and practice baby basics like diaper changing and handling newborns, but it's not enough especially for first time moms. I wish I had a list of book recommendations, knowledge about milestones and all types of development.

[@adrbusski1610]

Totally agree. Parents wanting to stay home are shunned. My choice was always frown upon but don’t regret one moment. Also have come to the op ion parents should avoid preschool.

[@DCard-yw6ml]

I stayed at home for 9 years with my children! best 9 years of my life. I have been back to work full time now and I enjoy working but that can not be compared to being with my children.

[@abrow72]

Petersons are such a great couple, I appreciate the work Tammy has been doing for women and children

[@giaatta9303]

Excellent episode

[@thenonexistinghero]

I think one of the hardest parts for many mothers isn't just societal pressure to get back to work, but also their own desire to get away from their baby. All mothers I personally know from my generation (millennials) and younger consider their child a burden. They basically all say the same thing. "Oh I love my child/children, but this this and that." Which is different from my mother's generation where most parents hardly ever complained about taking care of their children. Whether you liked it or not, you just did it because they're part of your family and part of you. Taking care of their children equated taking care of themselves (I understand it's not like this for many). Anyhow, point is that motherly protective instinct in modern western society is pretty much forcefully beaten out of the mothers. So even if the mothers have the chance to spend a few years being an @home mother to make sure their children will get a good base in their initial years, they wouldn't even choose to do it. That said, I think a year of basically paid full leave is hard to justify. It's very costly, most employers simply cannot afford to pay someone for a full year who doesn't work. A better solution would be to make some sacrifices. Short term that would just straight up mean lost income since the woman doesn't work and has no income, but long term if most people do this, society would be restructured in such a manner that it'll actually be viable again to take care of a family from a single income. Since if society thinks that a mother having time is important, it will structure itself in such a way to make that an option.

[@grannyannie2948]

I see that with millennial mothers. They go to work, not because they financially have to, but to run away from their kids. As to restructuring society that would take a much higher birthrate. So it's chicken and egg.

[@gordythecat]

I know at least 3 millennial mothers in CANADA who put their babies in daycare before age 1 for no reason. They still had leave/vacation. Its horrifying. I am also a millenial mom and left my mid level government position to raise my two kids while my husband works and most people my age think I am completely CRAZY. However my kids are doing great and I love spending my life doing right by my kids. To me that is being present and teaching them life skills and not foisting them off onto strangers getting paid $17 per hour…

[@grannyannie2948]

@@gordythecat I know what you mean, and they say their kids love it to avoid shame. I was a stay at home mum, I believe you've made the best decision.

[@ThePastryNinja]

​@@grannyannie2948 yep I have a friend who likes to imply that it's so much harder being a working mom, but also was desperate to get back to work when she was between jobs in order to get away from her kids.

[@grannyannie2948]

@@ThePastryNinja I actually have a daughter like that. She prefers working to parenting.

[@malloryzinkus8682]

I had 3 babies in 3 years. 3 separate pregnancies. My first 2 pregnancies, I had a boss who was a woman and also going through pregnancies herself. She was so empathetic to my need to be around my baby, because she also felt it. We worked from home and had our babies with us sometimes during the workday. For my 3rd baby, I had switched jobs for a pay increase, but I still work from home. My new boss is a woman who never had children. It was so hard for her to understand why I would have my baby in my Infantino carrier, just so my baby could be attached to me. It was extremely stressful for me to please my boss, but give my kids what they need. It was truly the most stressful and painful time of motherhood. Because I also had a 2 year old and 1 year old.... there was so much need and I couldn't give it and I still remorse that time period.

[@Realitycheck-rh4bk]

I restructured my life to work from home when my first two were growing up, and family helped out with my third, so that none of them ever went to daycare. They were always well attended to and loved… but they attended public school. Now that they are adult, somehow all three of them have anxiety and depression issues. They are also very caught up in woke issues and spend too much time online.

[@Nocomment552]

Could be a combination of things, like too many people passing the baby. My husband was basically raised by his grandparents, but his grandmother at the very least was always home (she was a SAHM for his mother growing up) and was a constant. He’s very emotionally resilient. In terms of why your children ended up woke (again, I’m using anecdotal evidence to give one possible reason), the biggest reason I see people my age (between Gen Z and Millennials) becoming leftists is because of not having someone in their life help challenge their critical thinking skills. My dad is a Republican, but he never pushed his politics on me. Instead, he’d always gently challenge me to backup my position without trying to force me to a certain conclusion. As a result, despite having every reason personality wise to be a raging leftist, I’ve always been conservative or at the very least a moderate. Also, having a a father figure who would do things with me despite his busy schedule helped tremendously. I don’t know your specific situation, but these are some things I’ve noticed about my husband’s and my own upbringing that I’ve noticed were missing from others our age.

[@proudatheist2042]

Diet is integral to working through anxiety issues. Families that appear to be well off on the outside can be terribly dysfunctional on the inside, like mine was, and can cause issues. I must say, it's interesting that you blame Public school, yet you didn't send your children to private schools all those years while they were growing up.

[@lisajane4330]

What do public schools have to do with mental illness? There are plenty of great public schools out there.

[@ndkh7444]

So your family raised them and you are blaming public schools? How about blame your parenting. Plenty of people go through daycare and public schools and don’t have anxiety and depression.

[@Realitycheck-rh4bk]

@@ndkh7444 when they started public school, they didn’t have anxiety or depression, and they didn’t believe that a man could be a woman or that the climate is going to kill them. They didn’t develop anxiety until they were teenagers. My parenting was never perfect, but I didn’t teach them lies or promote unnecessary fears. Sure lots of people got through the system without being visibly harmed by it, We think… we are only just now starting to see all the damage that has been done by the social emotional learning model the last decade. I am grateful that I did give them such a strong foundation and put my faith in God that it ( and He) will bring them back to reality.

[@Beachandpool]

I was just thinking today to put my three year old in day care because she's bored with me at home. Every playground is empty. All kids are in daycares. The pediatrician (a female) makes sure to hint that she should be in daycare. I feel like maybe the 'educators' know what's best for her, plus she'll be with the kids. I'm feeling the pressure of society. My husband asked if pedophilia, in such instructions, is no longer a concern of mine, which it always was. And now this video popped up. I'm hoping to find more on this, for kids past three. Thank you.

[@AJourneyBackToEden]

Have you looked online for stay at home mom groups. Some groups plan outings together so the kids can play. Or homeschool groups too.

[@Beachandpool]

Thank you! I'll look into this.​@@AJourneyBackToEden

[@cassandraanderson3314]

You can do daycare part time. My daughter is two and we put her in a Christian daycare that opened up in my neighborhood, so we luckily didn't have to deal with a waitlist. She's only there a few days a week and I've been home with her ever since she was born. I love being a sahm and not having to lose these precious years, but I needed a break for many reasons. Don't let other moms or society shame or pressure you into thinking it has to be on or the other. Or that you're bad mom no matter what you chose. Do what works for you. You can put her on a wait list, because there most likely is one and it's not a commitment. Not every daycare experience is bad. You aren't a bad mom if you do it. When my daughter is in daycare I actually have the free time to prep and plan activities I find on Pinterest. I have more time to read all the parenting and relationship books. I did what's best for me and my daughter and you should too.

[@Beachandpool]

​@@cassandraanderson3314thank you! I did have my other child physically hurt with a stab to chest with needle at a daycare when he was two years old. They gaslighted me for it. He, of course, wasn't able to tell me what happened. So, I feel like I should endure at home, rather than people lie to me while I pay them to watch her. When he was four, we finally found a nice place. I was so grateful. All the best to you and your LO, your family. ❤🙏

[@cassandraanderson3314]

@@Beachandpool oh my goodness, I’m so sorry for that y’all had to experience that. That’s terrible, but I’m glad you found a better place. My toddler’s day has every room being recorded at all times with the video feed in the lobby. Best wishes to your family as well 🩷🩷

[@mimim875]

Been working from home part time my son is 2 years old now I would not change anything. So glad I stayed at home. Will be adding another year at home ❤❤

[@MarianaDias-w8s]

You are and amazying human being, thank you for fighting against the society to protect mothers and babies

[@mckenna45]

Love this. I am a career first responder turned SAHM. The stress mitigation and coping Skills i learned in my career has made motherhood feel like a breeze. My husband felt it was a priority for me to be able to keep my job (which is more of a passion) in some capacity. I now have a PRN EMS job that I work two shifts a month on days when my husband is home and my volunteer fire department put me in an admin position, which allows to do work from home or take my baby to the station to fulfill my duties. It has been such a beautiful balance and really keeps me from burning out as a mom. And my son is always with his parents, never left with anyone else except the occasional afternoon with my parents.

[@crazyleaf257]

Anybody who has spent extended time around babies and kids even if they are not a mother can know the difference between cries! ❤

[@rrijecanka]

No, at lest 3 yrs my child will never see daycare!! They say here in Sweden that my child won’t be socialized, oh she’s already socialized. She still can make friends without daycare. Thank you for this 🙏

[@rudkoihor8248]

They say the same in Norway. Basically, everyone just justify themselves not to feel bad.

[@rrijecanka]

@@rudkoihor8248 they say everything and putting even in the books just to convince ppl to put children earlier that is possible. I don’t buy it. Tnx God on my husband that thinks the same and is agreeing with me. And even after she starts daycare we’ll do it only part time, I’m not going back on work full time. Only if I have to. 🙏

[@katcadventures]

I called my HR here in the U.S after I found out I was pregnant and I was told we have zero maternity leave. I asked what was there and was told if you qualify for FMLA then you get 3 months unpaid and if you don’t you get 15 days of unpaid medical leave. After that the company would “unfortunately part ways with me with eligibility for rehire.” After this experience, I will definitely be asking about maternity before taking any job.

[@galinalikhovetsky2896]

That's all great. The problem is that father not always can provide for the family without mum's working

[@laura44135]

Children don't need to be taught to sleep. It's a developmental milestone.

[@TheOpheltree]

My son was not diagnosed earlier with his severe epilepsy because we could not focus on our child’s illness due to prioritizing work to be able to pay a day-home. My wife eventually left work and be full-time care-giver of our son. There have been events of day home care-giver calling 911 due to prolonged seizures. The financial constraints, relationship problems, and the best of medical support that could have been done to our son was missed. Now he has global delays and needs a one-on-one care for life. Please touch on nutrition too while in pregnancy. My wife was a vegetarian. We only learned later that moms who are eating more meat during pregnancy have healthier uterus, thus, healthier babies.

[@Cd123z]

My mom stayed at home because my dad made great money and all she did was watch days of our lives. I was very emotionally neglected even though financially i had everything i needed. I spent the first year of my son's life with him at home and we did all kinds of fun mommy and me classes, he started daycare at 1 while I'm at work because we need 2 incomes in this climate. We are always out doing things as a family and i also have the extra funds to put 250 dollars in his education savings plan every month. Its really not black and white. My sister in law works from home and while yes she is with her son he lives on his ipad.

[@cinlocybin]

I would like to see Erica do a segment on different cultures and the presence of a "village". In my culture, it's inconceivable that the only options to a woman are daycare or stay at home. In most cultures, parents are able to return to work while grandparents take on a co-parenting role. Western society is too selfish and isolated for extended family to step up and help.

[@mariadaulton3]

Being a single mother makes this decision extremely difficult because you don't have a choice.

[@darnelldees3177]

I have always said this. If we say that children must be home and that's the only way then what do we say to our single mothers. I believe you've to just make the right decision for your household but ensure you're present for your child because you can be at home and be absent because you're resenting your current role/ mental health etc.

[@WesternPatriot-v8m]

Being a single mother isn’t good for children either. Daycare and being a single mother will have many affects on your child. Unfortunately

[@lemlemlegesse5693]

Thank u thank u we really need our children with us in this three years

[@proudatheist2042]

My mother was verbally and psychologically abusive. I didn't come to that conclusion on my own, either. My mother, who was able to be a stay at home mother for most of my childhood, wasn't psychologically there for me. She thought nothing of belittling me, screaming at me, being irrational, using me as a replacement adult/replacement therapist, telling me things that should have been for my father's ears only, and then turning around and blaming me for her woes. This podcast makes me wonder if perhaps I would have been worse off if I was put in daycare as a baby/toddler/small child.

[@courtneycaswell1628]

I've seen research that says early childhood education was helpful for children with emotionally abusive or neglectful parents and not helpful for kids with responsive parents. It basically comes down to the personality and responsiveness of the caregiver. Of course with daycare the caregiver is spread thin caring for so many kids. But an empathetic person giving attention some of the time is probably better than an abusive parent instilling fear all of the time or consistently ignoring the child's needs.

[@beckyhake4931]

You both have very valid points but keep in mind--to every rule there is ALWAYS the exception. I believe this forum is discussing the rule.

[@Plexus0]

I think lots of the information in this video were advanced as facts when little evidence was provided. Our lives can be complex and multi faceted and making a perfect choice can sometimes be impossible. Instead I would try reassure people watching that they can only do their best and if struggling speak to those you trust. Nobody is perfect and the most important part is showing up

[@rtrouthouse1506]

First three years? Adjust your life at all cost, and raise your children. I sacrificed many, many things to do so. You can too!

[@QuirkyKristy]

We are sending our child to 8.5 hours of daycare only for his speech to improve. We tried therapies but they are crazy expensive (in my country). We are seeing significant progress with just daycare. I m a stay at home mom and my husband works from home. We have a newborn baby too. Yes our daycare with cctv access n app is expensive but not as much as therapies. It is really helping us especially as we have a newborn to care for. Its a win win situation for us. Our kid is 4.7 years so he is completely happy staying for so many hours. For younger kids its better to send for few hours.

[@lynnettemccune7588]

Just started my 4.5 year old. She loves it! It's a good age to stretch them a little in my little experience. Hindsight I wish I would have sent my oldest to part time preschool before kindergarten.

[@Soraya-fw1sp]

Thank you. This is confirming a lot of my ideas and instinct on being a mother and my baby’s needs. Nice to listen to when people around your are echoing the whole ‘having to sleep train’, ‘socialising baby’s’ 😂, ‘spoiling babies’, and so on.

[@sharievangilder6436]

I love this discussion so much and whole-heartedly agree. It saddens me however that in reading her book Chicken Little the Sky Isnt Falling, Erica believes that kids can choose their own gender. The fact that she perpetuates this lie takes away from her credibility.

[@leerylifeform]

Just want to say that having a baby in a bedside bassinet is not cruel unless the baby doesn’t like it. Mine liked his bassinet until he was 5 months old. We co-napped often, though. We started cosleeping at 5 months because he wasn’t ready for his own room and we all got much worse sleep until 9 months when I started sleeping on a mattress next to his floor bed. He likes to fall asleep nursing and then flip over and stretch out without me. When he wakes up I’m still there to give him whatever amount of closeness he needs. We’re finally sleeping longer than 1-2 hour chunks. 🎉