"Good" and "bad" are incomplete stories we tell ourselves | Heather Lanier

Heather Lanier's daughter Fiona has Wolf-Hirschhorn syndrome, a genetic condition that results in developmental delays -- but that doesn't make her tragic, angelic or any of the other stereotypes about kids like her. In this talk about the beautiful, complicated, joyful and hard journey of raising a rare girl, Lanier questions our assumptions about what makes a life "good" or "bad," challenging us to stop fixating on solutions for whatever we deem not normal, and instead to take life as it comes.
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[@pierre.g.canada]

The story is actually quite popular and widely-referred-to in Chinese culture. It’s called “Saiweng lost his horse, but how can he know it’s fortune or not (塞翁失馬，焉知非福).” I really like this speech!

[@cirrusfloccus6080]

I have a chronic disease and this is exactly how I feel! Other people are like "this is so sad", but for me there is more good than bad.

[@YouCanCallMeReTro]

Same here I have a chronic condition and last year it flared up the worst it's ever been. It fuckin sucked don't get me wrong, but the amount of pity and people asking how I'm doing got overwhelming. People kind of expect you to react negatively to negative outcomes but I just spent my time trying to do things to occupy myself like play videogames and watch movies, and it made this period a lot better.

[@OneTrueBlender]

@@YouCanCallMeReTroThat's why I don't like posts showcasing disabled people with sad music over them. Not talking about charity of course, that's a different thing I feel. But there are accounts only posting disabled people with sad music, most of them doing normal things. The comment section seems to pity them. I've always felt something was off with it, it felt disrespectful to the people filmed. Like they just want to live their lives normally, why do we have to pity them?

[@jawadmaou4728]

Good or bad hard to say.

[@Shiri9478]

Abdul Jawad popal I'm going to start saying that for the rest of my life.

[@janmakoli6380]

@@Shiri9478 Good or bad,hard to say

[@NymphetaminexXxGrrrl]

So she is basically teaching cognitive behavioral therapy... To describe things objectively without assigning judgment or labels such as good or bad, but to instead acknowledge without cognitive distortion and move on. To become aware of thoughts and behaviors that are not helpful in our lives, and work on any self-defeating patterns. Thinking of her child as broken helps no one, and causes distress. Instead she observes the capabilities of her child and encourages growth, without the unnecessary emotional distress of labeling and judging those capabilities, or lack thereof as bad. Basically a technique or state of mind that is helpful in all areas of life.

[@LesyaKali]

This is one of the most inspiring TED speeches I've watched! Thank you!

[@Shiri9478]

Lesya Kali agreed

[@ibrahimdauda1358]

Lesya Kali well said

[@naughtynerd2777]

It depends on how you say your name but your name means this. 'Leshya' is another name of Goddess Lakshmi(Wealth) of Hinduism. It also means Light in Sanskrit. And 'Kali' is another Goddess. Both of the Goddesses are widely worshipped.

[@beverett9866]

Preach it sister! My daughter has severe developmental delays. When she was diagnosed I mourned the child I planned to have. I let go of all those expectations. I have spent 22 years loving the extraordinary child God chose to give me. She is relentlessly joyful, at all hours. She loves music, especially naughty hip hop and gangsta rap. She is extremely loud, especially when it’s not appropriate. She giggles when other kids cry... probably to cheer them up. 🙄 She is beautiful and happy and funny. When people respond to her with pity, I ask, “Are your kids happy?” She is many things but pitiful is not one of them.

[@MrRoomba2321]

good or bad hard to say, but hey I would consider this talk pretty good.

[@joeroganofficial5433]

Watermelon Wolf pretty good or pretty bad hard to say

[@janmakoli6380]

@@joeroganofficial5433 true or false had to say

[@kristapoints7728]

I see what you did there… 😆

[@janmakoli6380]

@@kristapoints7728 right or wrong hard to say

[@majidazani5020]

I've been following you since tuts+ and you were one of the reasons that I started selling in envato market and found my career path in tech. One of the best role models for me and I always learn from you and admire you. Keep posting regulary for us Jeff. Best

[@GregLopesArt]

I’ve prepared myself when I read the title to write a comment explaining how, “good” and “bad” are usually relativized in very shady ways, as a form of giving to certain things overrated valor and to others nothing but neglect. But given the fact every story has its own colors, I prefer to congratulate you for being optimistic and realistic. This is what, also in my home, made it possible to my parents to educate us and give me and my brother all the support we have no matter what society has to offer to dyslexic or bipolar kids. And if you read some of the comments posted here, don’t feel bad about it. Internet can be an awesome thing... but good or bad, it’s hard to say. Best wishes.

[@Amina088]

I love how realistic yet beautiful your thoughts are. Thank you very much for sharing your story. It can be applied to so many things in life. Your talk will be one of the TED talks that I remember for years to come. :)

[@CKestus2187]

I loved this speech. ‘Mental retardation’ is not a disease it’s a part of who they are. It’s an uncontrollable thing that they’re born with. I have ADD and I am 16. Throughout my life I’ve faced challenges and people patronizing me, saying that I’m ‘special’ although calling me special is like calling me different, it’s appreciative on the surface but under that it’s patronizing. I despise the way that people like me are treated, separating us from the rest of the world and treating them like they’re freaks. Every person, not just people who have ADD, not just people with autism, and not just people with Down syndrome have ‘special needs,’ everyone does. Every single person learns differently. The way they use the phrase special needs is patronizing to say the least. Although I don’t regret it, I eventually changed my ways and became who I am now. Normal is boring, and usual is boring. I am still a unique human being and I don’t try to fit in. I accept who I am; my thoughts, my interests, my personality, I all accept it. I want to explore the world, but I can’t explore it if people can’t try to get to know me past me having ADD. I can’t explore it if people label me as special, because special has become a word meaning different or meaning that they have some disorder, instead of unique.

[@ionutalex7347]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/op63YqWVq7p2g7s its a lecture about human behavior see if it makes sense

[@danieldionne2037]

AJ Greer ugghhh you seem like a lot of work to be friends with...

[@MsPeabody1231]

At school I was classified with having special needs - and have no disability.

[@Interface2022]

I think you are impressive and I hope that you will get a unique life that you deserve as unique person.

[@ginaheaton2203]

AJ you are right everyone has special needs. The thing you have to realize is that a whole lot of people do not know what to do or how to help when a person has needs that they are not use to being around. I too grew up with what was called ADD and had learning disabilities but really what I had was Complex PTSD from being smacked around or watching my brother and sisters being smacked around and screamed at since I was born. There was no safe place for me as a child. There are a lot of people who just don't recognize abuse symptoms in another or turn a blind eye to it. I've overcome a whole lot in my lifetime but not before I made serious mistakes all through my life. I was a child in a women body trying to negotiate that world as an adult. How does a little child negotiate a world of adults? Not very well. My life could have been a lot different if I had been given the help I needed. Now, I still have to work on calming the Flight or fight syndrome( not ADD) but I've managed to succeed and everyday gets better and better for me. It will for you also. Don't let others labels of you stop you from doing anything. Go right past them. It's doesn't matter what others accept as long as you accept yourself. That's all that matters. When you do this, the right people will come into your life.

[@suzannemenuet947]

Thank you for doing this. She is a child like any other and deserves to be treated as such. I appreciate what you said about "birth defects". I was born with moderate spina bifida but severe Hydrocephalus. When I was born, my doctor told my mom I would be mentally deficient. Never talk or meet milestones. While I've never walked (I'm ok with this btw) I graduated from high school with honors and 3 extra credits. I'm going to major in Psychology. I want to eventually be a school psychologist and work in the special education system, because it's flawed in so many ways.

[@jalilalavi7293]

Perfect speech with the excellent beginning

[@lancesy5671]

The parable's from China called"塞翁失馬焉知非福"

[@BluntlyBlondie]

What a blessing that this child is with this mother.

[@blancaah6]

I love that you addressed the topic of being "angelic" or inherently good. There's many people who use those terms to refer to other people and I cannot understand how they can't see that is another for of discrimination...

[@Beatness121]

um... It seems like a lot of people in the comments here just read the title and didn't watch the video...

[@PsoriasisChannel]

Nice this made me tear up.

[@artjenkins8117]

This is fantastic and I suspect is a message to which many of us can relate. My oldest nephew contracted spinal meningitis right after birth and has never been able to speak. God bless my sister and brother in law who didn't listen to all those "experts" who said he would never seen ten years of age. He is now 34. The only thing I would say a bit counter to Heather's message is we have all had a very hard time finding any "good" in what befell him..............

[@NatashaDuarte30]

I love this so much I have autistic kids and I never saw the bad in them but what I saw is the good in them ❤️ and proud of them They are special amazing They appreciate everything in life They appreciate what I do for them I love them

[@ap0s7le]

Absolutely incredible. Thank you for sharing your story. Best to you and your family.

[@Geo-bs7kh]

Awesome talk with a really good message, learned from a personal experience. These are my favorite type of TED talks :D

[@DeanRendar]

i agree its better we all dont stay too rigid to accept nor too demanding we reject the infinite possibilities that could be developed from an outlook that seems one way only just at that moment

[@mantoniol24]

The problem is control, we think we are in control of life but we're not, the only thing we're in control is our choices.

[@faiza7533]

This is such a fresh perspective! I loved her delivery as well ❤️

[@JinderAtwal]

So interesting, I've heard this story 3 times this week. Even went on to tell someone it, and now i'm hearing it from you!.

[@ratatataraxia]

Truly truly inspirational story of perseverance.

[@yousraadly7341]

Cool lecture it made me notice a fact that no matter how we learn we still not smart enough to diffrenciate and intuitions signals became confused due to life events and we can easily get trapped in our heads , but i believe that as long as oneself live their live according to higher purpose principles its provide protection and guidliness that help a person to see clearly so to avoid disapontments , even God said who dont mind what i mind isnt from my leagues and ishall not grant them relieve and guid them to every bad only ,i am sure that this highly neglected aspect of life is behind majority of people hardships in all sides of life .

[@cyy8519]

What is thief in stealing the ancient Chinese fable 'Sai Weng Shi Ma' and not accrediting the source. Well, good or bad for you.

[@hibiscus8791]

Nature is impartial; it sees things how they are. it provides, it does not judge. It does not require payment or thanks. The wise are impartial; they see things how they are, they do not discriminate, they treat all as equals, regardless of the way they behave. Any personality is a vast mystery. We can only observe by the way they express themselves. Good and bad are the same thing. There is no good without bad. Just as there is no beauty without ugliness. They are just opposite poles of the same thing. And both extremes are inside of us all. -Hibiscus

[@xfk5427]

Madhyamaka

[@DajanaDarling]

That's awesome! All the best for your daughter

[@reanthonylerona3480]

Thank you for this.

[@Cmedina-a]

Love this Ted talk!

[@lotusson]

Video actually spends very little time talking about good or bad in any truly meaningful sense. There's no moral ambiguity in Heather's decision to love her daughter. Just as there is no moral ambiguity in those so-called bad therapists attempts to make her daughter more "normal." Heather may not like their techniques, and she may find them counterproductive to her daughter's development, but at no point does Heather make a justifiable argument as to why those techniques are bad. From what little we know of the therapists, one could just as easily theorize that their attempt to normalize Heather's daughter is good. Let's face reality - Heather's going to die. And her husband is going to die. And the daughter she loves so much is going to lose two fundamental pillars of her survival. Perhaps those "bad" therapists just want Heather's daughter to live the best life possible. Thus, in the end, making them good. It's clear from the end of the video that Heather is trying to do what she thinks is best for her daughter, and I don't begrudge her for that. But the video title leads you to believe it will challenge your perception of good and bad - and spoilers - it does not.

[@lights473]

The point I got from the video is that we as society label things as "good" and "bad" when really we don't actually know if they really are good or bad. Rather, we should embrace things for what they are, not if they are good or bad but the fact that their existence is present is merely enough and that we should be open to possibilities. Well one might see war as just bloodshed and see that as a bad. Is that really bad though? Isn't it possible that good things can come out of it?For example, world war 2 and the cold war caused the world to advance in technology and the race for space exploration. Essentially, we don't know what the future holds for good or bad things. Good can cause good OR bad things. Bad things can cause good OR bad things. So in the end, all these good and bad labels are just arbitrary because it can go either way.

[@tree-huggersans-cur4371]

I didn’t watch the video but the title alone YES SO MUCH YES!

[@peterbutter2054]

Great parable!

[@arghadeb9180]

thank you

[@nicolasj1687]

Great talk. Just some thoughts : "as though human beings were objects on a factory line" What property of a human being is opposed here ? Why shouldn't we treat human beings like objects on a factory line ? Intelligence ? Or individuality and sentience ? "and sometimes our medical institutions decide what lives are not worth living" Is what's considered "intelligence" a good criterion to determine what's worth living ? "When we label a person tragic or angelic, bad or good, we rob them of their humanity along with not only the messiness and complexity that that title brings, but the rights and dignities as well." Humanity ? What means humanity in this sense ? What's intrinsically "human" about the life of a complex individual, full of emotions, with (moral) rights and a dignity ? In this sense, doesn't a dog have a "humanity" ? "My daughter doesn't exist to teach me things" For what purpose does any individual exist ? I think everyone agree that he lives for himself, and for no other external purpose projected onto him. "The gift of questioning culture's beliefs about what makes a life good, and what makes a life bad." My point here is : what about the animals ? What about the animals that "our culture" allows itself to bring to slaughterhouses. What about the veal removed from its mother and killed to take the milk ? The male chicks grinded alive ? The fish we pull out in atrocious conditions from the oceans ? What allows us to determine if a life is bad, or when it becomes bad enough to get rid of it (clue: our personal interest)? Aren't they all complex and messy individuals, with the same thing that's wrongly called a humanity ? "My kid is human, that's all. And that is a lot" What being a human means ? And for what reason "being human" should mean we should treat any person with respect ? If we're ready to break cultural norms because they're not adapted to the ethics of how we should treat people with "disabilities", shouldn't we do the same with how we treat other animals ?

[@wasabee8228]

Idk, what is the take someone should get from being abused by relatives from a very young age? Good or bad? Hard to say?

[@ThuyDo-lr1rj]

My love is for you and your lovely beautiful daughter :)

[@brentmeilenner9962]

Hello everyone this is my soulmate and my story that changed our lives and I'm hoping for some answers and some closure,, its taking years for us to feel comfortable but here's what it is in a nut shell as I cannot tell hole thing on paper,, It was June 22 2017 I had just got out of prison for serving 5 years for armed robbery due to a mistake when I was addicted to heroin I had served my time and me and my beautiful girlfriend/bestfriend that I had been with for 9 years at that time (going on 13 years now) We had got a appatment downtown Kingston and she was extremely excited as was I she had waited for me to get out and that day had come!!! 😊🥰 we had met some new people this summer and trusted and fell in with the wrong crowd we were a good looking couple had a little money and a nice bmw and I had a shop for servicing high end cars!! "Jealously" it's a evil horrible thing and it was about to show its true evil routes on us we were out one night at one of these peoples places drinking n smoking weed we always were home at night but this night we stayed out all night till like 8am and it felt as tho these people were keeping us away so we got home felt really out of it almost like we had been drugged with lsd or some kind of a strong mind altering drug we woke up and immediately felt like our souls had been rapped and our lives invaded by something you cant see or stop we both didn't believe in anything super natural or anything we couldn't see with our own eyes we both went religious and didn't believe in god,, instantly we started finding bizarre things around the house hair ratty stringy hair in the door holes in the side of the frames black suut burnt looking residue,, rust everywhere chemically burnt kitchen where everything metle looked tarnished n rusted white cholk in the shape of a cigarette sort of by all the door floors and most of all a presence of pure evil we were terrified a place that once was so warm and filled with light n love instantly turned dark evil n horrible a presence something was there we both couldn't stop seeing images of demons fir days I coujdbg get help I couldn't fight it we were spirituality rapped n it was the worst feeling we've ever had and didn't think it was possible I instantly looked up curses and spells and targeting individuals came up allot others had similar experiences but not close I ended up turning to God and he helped me gain strength gave me something to fight against these horrible enemies or were we abducted?? Dont know still no answers but felt as tho everyone was used to play a part as a pond in our terrifying experience that we could go share they thought we were mental whj could blame them we would have thought the same A few things came to notice like it was the year after CERN was turned in again or close to it it was the year that the world started shifting and we were different people now we fell hard but we got back up and we have a light between us that is so bright we are here for a reason and a rebellion is coming and we deserve and will get our taste at ending all negativity and will fight till the end to get our world back our peace and our happiness we all deserve Nothing will stop what is coming fight the good fight n God bless Ps does anyone identify with this story or have any thing that could give is answers n closure Thank you very much for reading our experience

[@moritzbraun5034]

Amazing talk!

[@yeshuahfullofit2.083]

Good and bad are both *subjective* and *relative.*

[@ellenarthur6675]

Love this!!

[@blackpearl1t]

Cool vid thank u. I love that so much bcuz it totally works good or bad hard to say. I think not making things more than it is is a crucial thing bcuz then wen u lose something it wont hurt as bad bcuz then ur able to see from a different perspective in other words ur open minded

[@LP-wf4uj]

Great talk

[@fastdollar1]

This was fascinating wow!

[@paulystp]

Love the story about your daughter and your views of the normal human, I have learned that we are always trying to make things better, in other words bad must be eliminated with good. So we know bad was here first and good was not , if good was here first there would be no bad , by here I mean the Earth including humans animals weather and so on , by always trying to fix bad we are motivated by bad, bad becomes our master.

[@guilhermegalante2869]

Amazing! ❤

[@Creepzza]

Good talk.

[@A.Kobyakov]

Больше спасибо за перевод!

[@guillermotejeda692]

Good or bad hard to say, bit make the best out of every situation. That God may be glorified!

[@ziarasoolkhan7029]

good speech

[@kevin2919kev]

is there an official name for this way of thinking?

[@MichaelBCooper]

Only fools deal in absolutes

[@Comrade_Nikolai]

(meant to say sick)

[@MichaelBCooper]

Comrade Nikolai ?

[@Zibit21]

Doesn't that make you one of fools?

[@Firmus777]

Well then you are lost!

[@MichaelBCooper]

Zibit21 You're not clever...

[@RobinNiu]

塞翁失马焉知非福，死马当活马医，顺其自然，无为而为。

[@bananian]

Hey that's the chinese parable at the beginning.

[@8randomprettysecret8]

Insightful

[@bigbro7776]

Basic concept of mindfullnes

[@buddhaneosiddhananda8499]

It's much easier to be good than bad...😁😁BTW... it's all good...

[@EvilChris2010]

Listen, you can take whatever perspective you want about ones own or another person’s felt experience of hardships. But do not disregard that the she will materially have a hard life and conceptually suffer more so than she would had she not had her condition. The important thing is to weigh up both these considerations.

[@jonam2589]

this video is good or bad . hard to say

[@RahulShinde]

Best one from Tedex

[@saegmam]

wow

[@Toy_House1]

“Righteousness is not that you turn your faces toward the east or the west, but [true] righteousness is [in] one who believes in Allah , the Last Day, the angels, the Book, and the prophets and gives wealth, in spite of love for it, to relatives, orphans, the needy, the traveler, those who ask [for help], and for freeing slaves; [and who] establishes prayer and gives zakah; [those who] fulfill their promise when they promise; and [those who] are patient in poverty and hardship and during battle. Those are the ones who have been true, and it is those who are the righteous.” Quran (@7)

[@salahadal-fatah3556]

I understand what's her point but, she too ego. you cant make general statement about what is good or bad from one subject/experience. if we think that joyfull is what we call "happiness", There's some people in this world that kill is some of joyfull for their life, how can possibly we can say dat "good or bad, hard to say"? In the end, we follow the meaning "good or bad" based on our life. (Sorry if my english so bad)

[@jeaniewillard1597]

Wow!!

[@ricrook3371]

You are super good)

[@dorianhernandezcarranza]

How does she do it?

[@robot7759]

🙏

[@chairunnisya3565]

Raise your hand if you have watched this episode for God knows how many times ☀️

[@ginaheaton2203]

That is a beautiful story.

[@leenodie5664]

what a gr8 story 💜I loved it too much

[@amrabdellatif9956]

those arm muscles

[@ReesDavies]

Anyone else catch the irony of this message paired with the absolute judgement of the therapists? Looks like sometimes it's not hard to say...

[@robertwilson468]

Or that there is an inherent judgement by the speaker about daughters skills/deficits as being “good” or “bad” in the hiring of therapists

[@ReesDavies]

IKR! I would've loved it if she had provided examples of what the "good" therapists do. I don't know how they could actually practice, since any effort they make to alter her child's behavior would implicitly be such a judgement as well. I guess they just show up, hang out and watch the kid for 30 minutes, then say "That'll be $50."

[@RalphDratman]

In the parable, the farmer could equally well have said "Good or bad, depends how far ahead you look." For example, Donald Trump's presidency certainly appears to be producing negative results for the US at the present time. Yet within a few years some of those negative results could be helping to move politics toward a more cooperative path to the future.

[@HiAdrian]

Good talk, same with psychological differences. It's crazy how pathologized natural diversity has become.

[@雪窦]

Is the horse story not from China??--塞翁失马，焉知非福！

[@nourbuz9427]

Hi 👋

[@domfru5403]

Hello

[@breno5378]

Nour Buz hi

[@eileenmacdougall8945]

Nice Fiona is Fiona!

[@amofenix]

塞翁失马焉知非福

[@TimothyFish]

The only problem is that we're all bad.

[@jinyoung1900]

This tedx, good or bad, hard to say. But I know 1/3 time she spent talking about her girl.

[@XxXBattleStarXxX]

Dat biceps

[@MrGuideMaster]

If your child has ADHD, find his or her gift as no one else will find them

[@ChanhNguyen-dk4ef]

Hard to say what is going on inside her heart. Maybe jealousy of other people with normal kids? And at the same time, love her child because, well, she's her child. Maybe, her other child is 'normal', as we put it. Mrs Lanier might have been raised in an open-minded and well educated family to have reach her admirable acceptance and resolve. There will be many skeptics that simply conclude that her acceptance is just another way of scoping with losses. That if chances were given, she might have chosen a changeling.

[@Ridiculizer]

Moral relativism?

[@mhtinla]

Thanks. I plan to read more about it as I have conflicting feelings about her story.

[@Someguy029]

I'm not sure how you came to the conclusion that this talk is promoting moral relativism.

[@lights473]

In what way is this moral relativism? This view actually looks like it rejects morality altogether because it's arbitrary to call anything good or bad when the possibilities of a good or bad action are endless. There is neither good nor bad, just reality.

[@CaroAndMarie]

it's a chinese proverb

[@tf3confirmedbuthv54]

True

[@tf3confirmedbuthv54]

Hope I’m first

[@JoffreyB]

thought it was man on the cover of the video :D

[@shirleyware6637]

💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚

[@dominggus6726]

👍👍👍👍👍

[@-massdar8645]

Good or bad . Hard to say 😨

[@comegetme2162]

🌏🕵🏻☯️

[@swordwaker7749]

I have few friends but once I learned economic I found that most friends are just a stupid lose-lose relationship made off irrationality. Now, I'm free.

[@adamrounds1670]

that is the best way once again is therapy always necessary?

[@cucubanana4226]

The lady has quite a chip on her shoulder.

[@finfan7]

Or perhaps it is your expectation that their job is to 'solve the problems' which is the problem. It is no more the fault of the therapist who cannot cure retardation than it is the fault of the welder who cannot build a space shuttle. They might be more knowledgeable about the subject than your average shmoe, but even the best in the field can only do what they personally know how to do.

[@TheKellycentral]

She's fighting for her daughter, because no one else will. Parents of special needs kids spend their lives fighting. That's just how it is.

[@cucubanana4226]

Tilting at windmills.

[@sandrineberre8249]

It’s nice to think this way but realistically would you want to be disabled? Most people would say no. It’s just the way it is.

[@Zibit21]

I came here expecting another SJW talk... but apparebtly it's just "something old and painfully obvious sold as simething new and sensational" talk. Oh well.