Why I don’t want to die anymore | Johnny Crowder | TEDxWestshore

NOTE FROM TED: This talk represents the speaker's personal views and experiences with suicidal ideation. TEDx events are independently organized by volunteers. The guidelines we give TEDx organizers are described in more detail here: storage.ted.com/tedx/manuals/t...
For years, Johnny Crowder battled suicidal thoughts, bouts of self-loathing, and severe mental illness. In the back of his mind, he always considered death as a sensible solution to his problems. But during a doomed flight aboard a crashing airplane, he was forced to come face to face with death and re-examine the logic behind his suicidal ideations, his bucket list, and the reason for his existence.
Join Johnny on this hair-raising near-death adventure as he uncovers his fears, his dreams, his passions, and the pains that led him to long for death in the first place. Now, with a renewed desire to live, he reflects on the flawed thought processes that lead people to consider suicide, and how each of us can revitalize our sense of freedom, self-love, and appreciation for life itself. Johnny Crowder is a 29-year-old suicide/abuse survivor, touring musician, mental health and sobriety advocate, and the Founder of Cope Notes, a text-based mental health platform that provides daily support to users in nearly 100 countries around the world. Armed with 10 years of clinical treatment, a psychology degree from the University of Central Florida, and a decade of peer support and public advocacy through the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), Johnny’s youthful vigor for mental health has impacted millions of lives across the globe.
Since his first keynote in 2011, Johnny's refreshingly candid perspective has attracted praise from hundreds of outlets, including Upworthy, CNN, and Forbes. Even when touring with his Billboard-charting metal band, Prison, his infectious positivity and firsthand experience with multiple mental illnesses uniquely equip him to provide realistic, yet hopeful insight into the pains of hardship with levity and wit. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@papatyalardasolar.7155]

I watched this Ted speech randomly two days ago. I clicked on the video accidentally but.. It's seriously one of the greatest mistake that I have ever made. I normally don't make that much comments on KZbin but seeing that you read them, I wanna say thank you for this video and sharing your experiences because I really needed to hear these from someone. For me, it will always stay as the best Ted video ever. In English, people say "You made my day" when someone makes them feel good, right? You didn't just make my day but maybe even my life. I've realized that I should change my perspective to life and all other things. Have a good day and life! Thank you again. ~Lots of love from a 16 years old Turkish girl. 🙋🏻‍♀️💜

[@curtismrasmussen]

THANK YOU for your comment. Touched me. I know exactly what happened to you! It was a rare 16 minutes of the sheer joy of accidental discovery for me, too. I don't have a suicidal mindset, but I have certainly been thinking about my reasons for staying here. And this tender soul nailed down the job I have left to do: get to know the part of me that I have used, abused, and allowed to be used and abused. I have been in a dozen or so free-fall eras, but, by analogy more of a series of metaphorical death threats slowly unfolding rather than a sudden drop and a fast stop. I will listen to this over and over. I will ask how I can get to know the real me. I will also ask how I can protect and nurture the real me. I will be curious, grateful, and liking and loving toward the real me.

[@copenotes]

That means the world to me! Thank you so much for watching and sharing this. Every time I give a talk or do a video, I hope that the KZbin algorithm causes the right people to stumble across it so that they can be impacted. I appreciate you and I am rooting for you!

[@papatyalardasolar.7155]

@@copenotes :ʼ) Thank you so much for all the support Johnny 💗

[@papatyalardasolar.7155]

@@curtismrasmussen I wish you a happy and peaceful life Curtis. Life is weird, isn't it? :) We are both in here, in this video accidentally and sharing same feelings, opinions. One day, you will get to know the real you completely. I believe in you (and me) 🦋

[@thisislife8931]

haha, yeah I am a TED fan too, well said.

[@chaddydescil]

Wow what an experience and great words to put it in perspective regardless of class. "Death is an equal opportunity employer"

[@copenotes]

That was really eye-opening for me, realizing that success, wealth, or even perfect health can't protect you from a freak accident like this. It immediately leveled the playing field for me.

[@chaddydescil]

@@copenotes thanks man, very important discussion, keep going.

[@thehammygnow]

haha, man thats true.

[@janetsplace1953]

It is the one thing we will all face equally...

[@elviragabriele]

Agreed Chaddy, shakes me up I dont like flying.

[@julestrescott]

I love this dudes energy, you can tell he's been through so much but there is still such a beautiful calmness within

[@copenotes]

Thank you Jules! Been a long road, and I'm still working to maintain that calm demeanor every day. Not sure if you've ever read "The Art of Happiness," but I highly recommend it, as it's helped me quite a bit this past year, especially while I was writing this talk.

[@thisislife8931]

me too

[@atreyuprincipalh4043]

God Bless this smart Great Human.. I love You brother,Your words are light in the darkness.. thank You

[@copenotes]

Thank you so much for listening - this comment means the world to me! That's all I've ever wanted this video to be for people.

[@linasuchodolskyte]

"Abuse convinced me that I didn't deserve love." This is far too common in all survivors of abuse.

[@copenotes]

One of the hardest parts of my recovery has been truly understanding that all of the abuse I endured wasn't my fault. Shifting that blame off of myself has been (and continues to be) massively liberating! Thank you very much for watching this talk, Lina. Means the world to me.

[@stevec8405]

Thank you Johnny for sharing your story. I had to watch this video twice. "The more I learn about him the less I want to hurt him". Hit me right between the eyes. Sometimes suicide isn't the only way we try to harm ourselves. I rarely watch tv and accidently saw your interview on local TV Bay News 9. I had to check it out - what an amazing story and your dedication to helping others is just beautiful and inspiring. We need more people like you in this world.

[@copenotes]

Thank you so much for the love, Steve! Very happy you stumbled across that feature and this video. I hope you continue to seek out other resources and stories of advocacy to stay inspired and keep growing in the right direction!

[@amyeaton9581]

"You wouldn't want to kill yourself if you got a chance to meet yourself." Johnny! That's so profound! A major part of my recovery from trauma/abuse and living with BPD is still trying to discern and connect with the "real" me in the midst of all the pain and false selves that have protected me. I still have regular thoughts of wanting to die to escape the pain. I'm still waiting for that level freedom you've found and I appreciate your points about gratitude and reasons to stay being helpful tools. I'm imitating the Lamentations 3 author...grieving, daring to hope, putting one foot in front of the other, and continuing to seek God in the pain, trusting He's faithful to heal me in His time. Thank you for sharing your heart and story ❤️ Lamentations 3:19-26 "The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, 'The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!' The LORD is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the LORD."

[@copenotes]

Amy, thank you so much for watching this! Great speaking with you last week. God is big and awesome, and we are so lucky to know him. We are both in your corner!

[@Sonesti1]

Thank you Johnny. So grateful I got a chance to meet you!! You are a light in the world.

[@copenotes]

Thank you for the kind words! So glad that talk in Philly made an impact

[@elviragabriele]

I hope my upcoming flight is extremely different from this one. I'm speechless.

[@copenotes]

I don't mean to turn people off of flying! I actually fly quite a bit for work these days (I was just on a plane 2 days ago) and it's taken a lot of mental effort to work past my fears and book another flight. I figure that I've already dealt with the worst turbulence of my life, so whatever flight I'm taking next couldn't possibly be any worse, right? Haha.

[@lilieum]

The amount of my life I have spent googling and youtubing "how to stop wanting to die" is absurddd The only things I have ever been able to find are seemingly half-genuine, nauseatingly over-positive pleas disguised as help or "the answer". I haven't ever found anything on the internet anywhere that didn't make me feel like I was drinking nyquil to take care of a brain tumor, but listening to people talk about sui cide in the past has usually been enough to at least help me get to sleep. I didn't connect with the majority of your speech either, which is fine because I know when it comes to these videos there are always people out there that will see this or that and it will be exactly what they needed, or at the very least it'll buy them time until they need something else. But there was one part that was really cool to me. The part near the end where you talked about wanting to learn everything about yourself as if you were another person, and how the more you learn about him the less you want to hurt him. That part really made me feel a type of way. I've tried the gratitude lists many times over the last 13+ years and it never did it for me, but I think I'm gonna commit to learning everything about myself too and I have a few different ideas for how to do it that I think may work for me personally. I feel hopeful about it. Anyways, I don't usually leave comments on things but I wanted to say thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you

[@copenotes]

Thank you so much for sticking it out through the whole video to make it to that part - so glad you were able to find a part that resonated with you! Honestly, that says way more about you and your genuine openness and willingness to apply yourself and overcome than it does about my talk. I really appreciate you sharing this and I am rooting for you every single step of the way. There are great icebreakers and journaling prompts online that I've used in the past to start some of those discovery conversations with myself - if one doesn't work, you can always google more. Best of luck and know that it can be done!!

[@trevoramani]

I get this talk totally.

[@copenotes]

Means a lot to feel understood by you, Trevor. Thank you for listening ❤‍🩹

[@micdaskel3313]

Free fall that's so close to the end, you can hear everything and nothing at the same time. I'm going to be thinking about this talk for some time to come.

[@copenotes]

Thank you for watching, mate! It was a very surreal thing to go through. Time definitely slowed down and my brain went into overdrive. I'm very thankful for the experience, in a weird way.

[@dmbencze]

Anxiety, trauma, PTSD has robbed me of so much living that there are times I've actually hoped to not wake up in the morning. I'm glad you had this epiphany, but I'm still stuck between being afraid of illness, death & dying, and wanting all that to end; ideally by getting better, and I'm in therapy and on medication, but sometimes I still hope I don't wake up in the morning. Peace and is there something better than THIS

[@copenotes]

Yes, there is! Every day, your brain is growing, learning, and changing. If you exercised every day for 10 years, you'd have a different body. That's what's happening in your brain - stick with it! I am confident that you will continue to progress and I can't wait to see who you become. Trust the process - even though it takes a long time, it's the most important work you'll ever do.

[@WilliamSmithnotthatone]

Suicide is such a huge topic. There are just so many factors and it's not one of those things where you can ask someone who's done it whether or not they recommend it but I think this kind of experience is the closest we could get to that.

[@copenotes]

It was honestly really tough to keep my talk under the TED-recommended 18 mins because of how complex of a topic it can be, but I tried my best to keep things as simple as possible. Through my advocacy work, I've met a lot of people who have already had a brush or three with taking their own life, and the sentiment is very often the same: "I didn't realize that it wouldn't have solved my problems, or the ripple effect it would have had on those around me."

[@acaciaanthis5838]

Thank you Johnny for sharing your testimony. I too do a gratitude list everyday and encourage those I work with to do so too. It's a simple life-changing tool.

[@copenotes]

That practice has totally changed my perspective on life! Of course, it wasn't immediate - it took me a few months to even be able to list like 3 things at a time haha. I had a lot of bitterness to work through.

[@jankyrose5449]

AGREE! 100%

[@sebastianroseter]

As do I

[@janetsplace1953]

so true

[@emilymckellar7443]

I clicked on this video because I thought "I know who that is!" and would ya lookie there, wordless again. "I never stopped loathing him long enough to get to know him" whoooooaaaaa Thats it, I'm gonna start getting to know myself. I don't care how weird it sounds. I'm going to stop defining myself the way others do, and actually find who I am. I know exactly why he has lived to this point, all someone needs to do is watch this video and they will to. I don't doubt for a second that God has His hand on you. Phenomenal story, phenomenal message, phenomenal human. Thanks a lot man.

[@copenotes]

Thank you so much for listening, and for your kind words, Emily! I heard an interview with Matthew McConaughey the other day and he said something like "What better thing is there to learn about than yourself? You have to live with that person for longer than anyone else." Totally clicked for me. Excited to hear what you learn!

[@esraesra6541]

Feeling not enough is a common problem for a lot of us. We gotta change our perspective before we end up in a crashing plane .

[@papatyalardasolar.7155]

And that's sometimes because of the people around us who make us worthless. I think removing them out from our lives would be a good solution for this case so that we could see ourselves from our own perspective but not other one's.

[@copenotes]

One thing my therapist said that really stuck with me was the phrase "You've already done more than you'll ever have to do." It gave me so much peace and helped me get out of this mindset that I was perpetually behind schedule or that I always owed somebody something.

[@jackstanger]

Wow... I can't imagine that kind of fear, where it's gone beyond panic and into just... acceptance. Crazy to think about

[@copenotes]

It was definitely automatic - didn't feel like a conscious decision at all. I think it was my brain's way of reducing friction haha.

[@jackstanger]

@@copenotes I guess at big moments it never just is what we think, more what we do. The fight or flight syndrome thing.

[@kristentaninah9619]

Why would you want to kill someone you don’t even know? That was perfect. When I struggled with S/I I had know idea who I was. It is a beautiful thing to see someone with your experiences finally become comfortable in their own skin. I’m on the journey with you and I’m excited these days about my to be list! Keep up the amazing work

[@copenotes]

Yes!! Awesome point Kristen - it's almost like that depression lays a cloak over who we really are, so all we see is this dark blob. But when we actually take a second to peek underneath that cloak and see a bit of light and color, it changes everything. So excited for you! What are 2 things on your to-be list so far?

[@christopherm6725]

Thank you for sharing Johnny. I’m in the middle of my own healing journey and cope notes and your encouragement has been invaluable to me. I share your talks whenever I get the chance. Question/encouragement/challenge: Have you thought about writing a book? You have a gift for communication, especially when it comes to such an important topic like this. Much love man!

[@copenotes]

Thank you for watching, Chris! This means the world to me. I started writing a book that I had to set aside in order to prioritize Cope Notes, but I fully intend on revisiting it as soon as I can. I definitely plan on publishing something in the next few years - finding the time to dedicate to it has been the challenge, but I know I will make it happen!

[@dannyordtil]

It's so important to actually learn about yourself.

[@copenotes]

Amen! I heard an interview with Matthew McConaughey where he basically said "What better to learn about than the person you're stuck with for the rest of your life?" haha.

[@frenchwannaloseweight]

Each time I take plane I think about a situation like that. Thank you for this quality testimony

[@copenotes]

Not trying to scare anyone! Thank you for listening :)

[@amelia-cairns]

I think it's really wonderful when people are able to turn a traumatic experience like this into a catalyst for changing their mindset and moving in to a more positive space. Well done Johnny and thank you for sharing!

[@copenotes]

Thank you for listening, Amelia! That's been a really powerful way for me to cope - if I use something traumatic or challenging that I've experienced to make a positive impact on someone else, then it robs that trauma of some of its hold over me. It becomes fuel for positive change, and it allows me to take some of that power back!

[@honeyissweetforme]

Thank you for sharing Johnny, I can't imagine living through what you have - even before that plane crashed.

[@copenotes]

Fortunately, it didn't crash! The emergency landing saved the plane and everyone onboard. I really appreciate your kind words though, thank you for listening

[@janetsplace1953]

it didn't crash!

[@DiZzAzZtErPrOdUcTiOnS]

That's the vocalist of PRISON!! 🤘🤘🤘🤘🤘 This dude's lyrics, and now his speeches have hit me deep.

[@copenotes]

So glad our music has impacted you! Much more to come. I appreciate you taking what we've created and turning into something much more meaningful: action.

[@Marc-zh6do]

this dudes energy and Courage is inspiring but also serene,.

[@copenotes]

I appreciate that Marc! Recovery has taught me a lot about peace, and I've worked really hard to experience that serenity you're talking about. I may not be perfect at practicing it yet, but those glimpses of calmness are well worth the work.

[@gabekilljoy]

It's nice to see someone like this using their platform to advocate for mental health and just being so genuine. Nice Johnny.

[@copenotes]

Thank you Gabe! I learned a few years back that holding a microphone is both an opportunity and a responsibility, and we have to be careful and intentional about how we use it.

[@nubblesleopard9735]

Not all of us are lucky enough to have a life-changing experience that jolts us out of our previous way of thinking, so getting it second-hand from stories like this is the next best thing!

[@copenotes]

That's exactly my hope in giving a talk like this - I don't want people to have to wait to experience something like that in order to reap the benefits. Thank you for listening and caring!

[@kevalnagda9289]

I am grateful for this man doing this, he has helped me today with clarity!

[@copenotes]

Hey all! Johnny from the talk here - I'm curious: What are some reasons that you've used to stay alive in the past? How successful have they been in encouraging you to keep living for another day? Would love to get an idea thread going so we can learn from each other!

[@bitethehandthatfeedsyoubs1270]

My pets. When I start thinking about who I am going to get to take care of them, it stresses me out and I decide to wait until I have a better idea of who would love them for the rest of their lives. And of course, when I think about that, I just can't bring myself to do it...

[@darkguitarist3476]

my pets. they are chonky.

[@capngrace84]

I get really existential with it sometimes, and sometimes I'm hella trivial. Some background: My dad died when I was four from suicide, so it's always been something I was very aware of as an option. I've had a pretty wild ride in life and went and did some crazy stuff with ridiculous people. Throughout, I've known something like 20 people who've ended their own lives. The heavy just becomes something you swim through. Some of my favorite reasons not to die are; planting flowers and keeping them alive; spite; wanting to distill some of the suffering I've lived through and turn it into wisdom. Nice job on the talk and the copenotes company- I'll be checking it out.

[@Shineyourlightm]

The fact that 1 2 many attempts didn’t work, figured I must be here for a reason I have yet to stumble across.

[@garydusing3123]

I really connect with what you're saying here Johnny. I haven't had that NDE but I've wanted to die for a very long time... I think my mother suspected as much because I can remember her saying when I was in my early teens that suicide doesn't end the pain, that it just gets multiplied and passed on to everyone who loved that person, and after one of my favorite people committed suicide I honestly saw just how true that is.

[@copenotes]

I am so glad you're still alive! You and your mom are absolutely right, it does multiply. That perspective, while super painful to experience, is invaluable. You understand something many people don't truly understand, and you can use that knowledge to make this world a better place. So awesome.

[@samacigrist]

Life saving on so many levels! Really great talk based on experience.

[@imnotq5509]

Thank you for sending this to me Sam!!

[@copenotes]

I appreciate you watching and listening, Sam! Hoping this reaches many, many more people and does exactly that - saves lives.

[@higgsboson3356]

Accepting your mortality is the key to living a fruitful life.

[@copenotes]

Great insight! I've heard that type of sentiment shared before, but it never really touched me until this experience.

[@sabahachim]

Funny how much we take for granted, even life itself.

[@copenotes]

It's taken me a long time to perceive life as a gift - I used to think it felt like a curse! I didn't realize how lucky I was to be alive until I almost had my life taken from me.

[@sabahachim]

@@copenotes very profound - thanks

[@breindyweisz35]

Wow this is an amazing story if someone in both sides of the coin. Let death comes when it comes... I struggle with these thoughts at times you inspired me a lot.

[@johnsondubois816]

good send thanks bro

[@copenotes]

Thank you for listening - I hope you're feeling better nowadays Breindy! Happy you've continued to stick around with all of us.

[@jonjrarcher]

There have been many times in my life where I felt like I was going to crash. My mind was out of control, all kinds of situations flooded my head. It was dire straight ahead and "oh its all over now." And so that passed until the next time. I find genuine comfort in this talk, how people became quiet and how Johnny shared his inner thoughts about the meaning of his life, and what was important. On the door step of what he thought was the end, a door opened to allow review and acceptance. Why is it that near death brings us back to life's purpose?

[@copenotes]

I think this is one of those "you don't know what you have until it's gone" type scenarios. Being face to face with what I thought I wanted definitely woke me up to the realization that what I wanted wouldn't actually solve the problems I was dealing with. It's easy to postulate about how death is alluring and a cure-all until you're up-close and personal with it.

[@theauthenticchilleddog]

His band sounds so wholesome!

[@copenotes]

Haha once you can get past the screaming, it definitely is! I always encourage people to look up our lyrics so that they can get a sense of what we stand for.

[@sidharper]

Such an amazing talk, you should be really proud of yourself and the things you've achieved!

[@copenotes]

Thank you so much for watching and caring! Recognizing progress is something I've had trouble with, and putting my thoughts into "TED Talk" form really helps me sort through them and gain some perspective on that. I appreciate you ❤️

[@natalidejesusgonzalez3703]

good send Sid! thanks

[@the-cookie_monster]

Glad you've recovered from those thoughts and are seeing the world in a different light.

[@copenotes]

Thank you for listening and caring! Very grateful that this experience woke me up in such a profound way. Hope this talk does the same for the people who take the time to watch it.

[@lachiepturner]

glad this showed up on my home page today, really well-said.

[@copenotes]

Means a lot that you took the time to watch! So happy to hear it resonated with you.

[@leilaniresterdin]

This is an amazing talk, truly makes you reflect on yourself in the best way.

[@copenotes]

Thank you for listening, Leilani! Self-reflection has definitely changed my life for the better. Hope this has the same impact for you!

[@henrahsavage4653]

This isn't the first time I've heard about someone wanting to die until they're faced with the reality and finality of actual death. I think it's not necessarily that you want to die but just wanting to not be who you are anymore. The only resolution to that is figuring out who you DO want to be and working towards it.

[@copenotes]

Absolutely this! I thought death was the solution, but really, it was more about ending the pain I was experiencing. Deep down, I didn't like myself or how it felt to live my life, and I didn't realize that I could target those pain points and attack them individually instead of attacking being alive as a whole.

[@henrahsavage4653]

@@copenotes I'm glad you realised this in such a powerful way, and that you're helping others do this as well! 😊

[@billconconi]

smart idea of him to give himself a permanent reminder to be grateful. I don't know if I want to commit to a tattoo but maybe I should figure out a similar system!

[@copenotes]

Keeping a notepad on your nightstand could be a good start, but I'm telling you, the tattoo works wonders!

[@iJailbreakHelp12]

Crazy to think I found this guy through his metal band, you’re an absolute inspiration to so many Johnny!

[@copenotes]

So glad you found this talk, and the band! Thank you for listening to both, Jacob. Means a lot to me. We have a new song dropping pretty soon too, so keep an eye out for that :) P.S. Any relation to Tom Bilyeu, by chance?

[@cilecarlton]

I always want to try to form a better relationship with myself as he says but I'm constantly paranoid that's going to cross over into egotism.

[@copenotes]

From my perspective, the fact that you are consciously guarding AGAINST egotism tells me that you're already on the safe side of the equation haha. That awareness says a lot about who you are and your intention, don't miss that!

[@martinrgarix]

Very happy for this man to have found a true desire to live

[@copenotes]

I know it sounds cheesy, but I genuinely think that if I was able to find a reason to live (multiple, actually), then anyone can. I often downplay just how dark my past was in order to spare people the gory details, but I never thought I'd actually want to live another day. I really hope this video gives other people hope to stick around and look for another reason to keep on living!

[@imaislieIm]

such a good talk, I'd love to hear more from Johnny, he has a really healthy perspective.

[@omarreda5175]

Simply fantastic

[@copenotes]

Thank you so much for watching and saying so! Glad you enjoyed it

[@joopanders]

I saw your other TED too, Awesome man very awesome.

[@copenotes]

Thank you so much for watching both of them man! Which one did you like better and why?

[@ginalipkin4849]

That was deep and real and relatable and well spoken, thank you Johnny

[@copenotes]

That means the world to me Gina, thank you so much for listening!

[@patriciaowen9491]

I'm guessing that there were that many nightmare free-falls because there were a lot of people that plane ride saved. Maybe every person aboard that plane has a miracle to share!

[@caroldendy851]

we all have a story to tell!

[@kayokk-]

Nice perspective. Added to the thinking. Thank you.👏

[@copenotes]

I appreciate you taking the time to watch and listen, Kayo!

[@emelynortiz8289]

I won’t think anyone understands how many times I’ve had to hear this at work with earphones on

[@copenotes]

Thank you for listening to the talk Emely, I hope this continues to help you!

[@paulyj2142]

Loved this speech

[@copenotes]

Thank you so much for listening, Pauly!

[@RocketQueen71]

Thanks Johnny for sharing!!

[@copenotes]

Thank you for listening to this talk! I put a lot of work into it.

[@ankebloem]

Such an amazing story, thank you for sharing.

[@copenotes]

Thank you for listening! Glad it made an impact on you.

[@vickycristena]

A wonderful talk Johnny, I'm glad you don't want to die anymore and I thank you for giving us this window into your mind and spirit.

[@copenotes]

Thank you for listening and caring! What was your biggest takeaway?

[@rancidfangs]

Had the near death experience, hate the Universe just as much. I welcome death every single day.

[@sergioortiz197]

Wow, 👏👏👏 thanks for all you do man my respect to you !

[@copenotes]

Thank you for watching and listening!

[@margaretstrom]

Great talk Johnny, I can't imagine what an experience like that must do to you emotionally but definitely gives a lot of insight

[@copenotes]

Thank you for listening! I feel like it aged me and made me younger at the same time, if that makes sense. I am thankful for the experience in a weird way.

[@Rivanni1]

❤❤❤Thank you, this is very much what many people need to hear! From a fellow metal head thank you! hopefully, we will find the cure for entropy...

[@copenotes]

Thank you for listening! The more we fill our brains and ears and eyes with the kinds of things that give us hope and make us think deeply, the more we're able to contribute to exactly that.

[@rangerstv602]

I don't know why but I get a strange vibe from this guy. There's something in his eyes that makes me feel uneasy.

[@natalyaguilerafigueroa]

Wow, this gets right to the end point. A must watch, though keep in mind there's a few triggers.

[@copenotes]

Thank you for watching! I tried to be as careful as possible with the triggers but when it comes to suicidal ideation, sometimes you have to be frank. Striking that balance was one of the hardest part of writing this talk.

[@Mr.ENJ1]

That's a fact💯

[@copenotes]

Thank you for listening!

[@thomaskearney6385]

Thankyou

[@copenotes]

Thank you for listening and learning with me, Thomas :)

[@jodikennedy8886]

man, do metalheads still need to clarify their music isn't coming from a negative place in 2022? Johnny is more proof that metal musicians are generally chill and positive people

[@janetsplace1953]

truth

[@copenotes]

I always tell non-metal people that they'd be really surprised if they ever went to a metal show and saw complete strangers helping each other up when they fall down, patting each other on the back, high-fiving random people, and smiling at each other after a really heavy part hits. There's a lot more love and community in a concert atmosphere than they might assume from the outside looking in, for sure.

[@MitlinFinancial]

Thank you for all you do Johnny

[@copenotes]

Thank you for always supporting our mission!

[@zacharycribb6074]

Cannot tell you how much i absolutely needed this. Thank you so much for this.

[@copenotes]

So happy it resonated with you, Zach! Thank you for watching and caring enough to feel something.

[@Chelsea-Chelsea]

Great talk Johnny, your ability to discuss this stuff with such openness is truly wonderful, and you can tell by reading these comments that you're really getting through to people and providing them a safe space to share what's happening inside their minds.

[@copenotes]

Thank you so much for listening, and for your kind words, Chelsea! Very grateful that this talk resonated with you - this is hands-down the most fun part of my job.

[@mahmoodmahmood9506]

Very nice video, thank you. Keep providing such content

[@copenotes]

Thank you for watching, my friend! Hope it helped you.

[@gsxr2fst498]

I’m 43 and no place to live. My knees and arthritis in my hands won’t allow me to work enough to survive. I’m probably going to end it soon. I spent all my healthy years taking care of others. It’s the end of the road for me.

[@copenotes]

My previous reply to this was removed by KZbin, but I have to disagree with this being the end of the road for you. Your story is compelling and powerful, you should be on that TEDx stage talking about what you've been able to survive through! I hope to hear your talk one day. In the meantime, know that there are real people who care about you in this world, even if they don't say it out loud. If you live in America, I strongly recommend texting or calling 988 so you can speak with someone in real time (for free) about what your other options are. Rooting for you my friend! Truly.

[@theoscarnunez]

Johnny was able to grab and hold my attention from the get go. Glad I'll not be flying any time soon.

[@copenotes]

Thank you for listening, Oscar! Believe it or not, a couple months ago, I experienced another bout of extreme turbulence on a flight heading home from a keynote. Fortunately, this time, I was more prepared, haha.

[@onurgalbas]

Moderately successful, who was I and what haven't I done? Excellent questions.

[@michaelrapaport4494]

If a successful touring band leader + tech startup CEO was still depressed, there's absolutely no hope for me.

[@copenotes]

Mike, I can completely understand the sentiment here, but that's kind of what I learned going through this - the circumstances of my life weren't enough to heal my depression. No amount of circumstantial success can uproot the mental fog and distress I was facing. The fact is that everyone, even millionaires and supermodels, has a brain that needs nurturing. I didn't need my circumstances to change, I needed my brain to change. And that is something that is 100% possible. There IS hope for you, and I am rooting for you.

[@pixieheart9303]

How are you doing today?

[@robertjnoble]

I'm so intrigued by the rest of this mans journey, and more than a little surprised that he still has to seek comfort in the love of Jesus

[@zubairtz]

I'd be curious to know when this talk was given in relation to when he experienced all that.

[@copenotes]

The flight experience happened about 3 years before I started writing this talk. Took a long time to process what had happened to me!

[@emmie-cruz]

Was pretty interested to hear that cope-notes is mostly automated. I guess that makes sense but for some reason it makes me feel differently about it

[@copenotes]

Totally understand that - All of the content is written by real peers with lived experience, but the actual text delivery is automated so that we can serve big groups like school districts and homeless communities without wait times :) We knew we had to automate part of it so that we could scale, but we didn't want to lose that human touch that comes from real people writing the messages!

[@johncifizzari3107]

I wish I had Anything I could say I wanted to do, I didn't @57 I'm still wondering what it is I'm here for... Feel like I've ruined a perfectly good life doing what someone else wanted me to do, or doing what I had to for survival... What's the point of life for a guy like that???

[@copenotes]

You're still here and there's still time! If the buzzer hasn't gone off yet, you still have a chance to turn it all around. How great it is that you've recognized that you want to experience a change - most people stay complacent until they pass away. Use that awareness to your advantage, John! What's one thing you could change this week that would help kick-start a series of other positive changes?

[@tsunamiwarning8040]

No, I am a bad guy, and the more I think about myself the more I think I should be culled.

[@copenotes]

Can you list 3 things about yourself that aren't bad?

[@tsunamiwarning8040]

@@copenotes No.

[@KenyatteFullerjr-xm9ys]

So people can't die in Peace

[@alextoutaev]

damn, this was a really gripping talk

[@copenotes]

Thank you so much for watching and listening, Alex! Means the world to me.

[@alicemonay]

"death is an equal opportunity employer." Absolutely but I hear he has a soft spot for cats.

[@copenotes]

Hahaha if only we all got 9 chances!

[@trevoramani]

@@copenotes I had a similar thing happen to me, doesn't sound as bad, but rapid descent, man I was scared.

[@copenotes]

@@trevoramani That must have been terrifying! So glad you lived to tell the tale (and watch this video). What did you learn from that experience?

[@krystaldipa-wc5gi]

Jesys christ the lord and savior can save you all and give tpur burdened hearts rest . Call unto him , whoever belives in him will be saved. God bless you

[@wendyrocha8331]

Mmmmm the part about timing is super interesting, like how a car crash is too quick to think about it in depth and a terminal illness gives you way TOO much time... makes me hope for a quick death.

[@robfox5562]

Whether you want to or not is irrelevant, we’re all going to.

[@copenotes]

All the more reason to appreciate as many tiny moments as we can while we still have them! I went from wanting to fast-forward to my own death to remembering that it'll come anyway, in its own timing. A huge relief for me.

[@miamay626]

I don't mean to take away from the seriousness of this talk but the part about planning on killing himself by the age of 27 made me laugh and wonder who in that club he idolizes. I bet it's Kurt Cobain.

[@copenotes]

It wasn't really inspired by anyone in particular - it was more related to my OCD, and how certain numbers felt "good" or "bad" based on my obsessions. We do lose a lot of musicians way too early, and I often wonder what modern rock would be like if Kurt would have stayed around to continue influencing its direction.