The Marriage Hack: Eli Finkel at TEDxUChicago

Eli Finkel is a professor of Psychology at Northwestern University. He earned his BA degree in Psychology from Northwestern (1997) and his MA and PhD degrees in Social Psychology from UNC-Chapel Hill (1999 and 2001). His research, which is funded by the National Science Foundation, investigates initial romantic attraction, conflict-resolution in established relationships, and the ways in which other people influence one's goal achievement. This research has received widespread attention in the mainstream media, and Eli occasionally shares insights from his research on the Op-Ed page of the New York Times.
Eli is interested in finding out more about interpersonal relationships -- what predicts romantic attraction? When do people forgive transgressions? What brings out the best (or worst) in our interpersonal relationships?
In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)

[@sbaars78]

The Marriage Hack - 7 min of journaling every 4 mo. - Write about the worst conflict you had from the perspective of a neutral 3rd party who wants the best for everybody. Results - Once the hack began it leveled out any decline of satisfaction in the marriage at the level it was at at the start of the practice, so start now!

[@indrinita]

Actual description of the marriage hack begins at 10:27. Talk actually ends at 17:48. You're welcome.

[@madisonwalker3646]

indrinita thank you.

[@gabrielburris3935]

Thank you

[@simanyemaqungu]

Thank you

[@ChrisEnnen]

1. Write about a conflict from the perspective of a third party. 2. Write about how to overcome the conflict from the perspective of a third party 3. Write about the barriers to overcome the conflict and how to overcome them from the perspective of a third party

[@nikitaagrawal5528]

Married and happy... My in-laws are a happy couple.. my parents are a happy couple.. marriage is such a beautiful thing... And I see my elders respecting their relationship more and more as they grow older.. Hope everyone get love of their life.. just respect your spouse dude .. that's all you need in a relationship.. nothing else...😊

[@CarolaAdolf]

Soooo - you gotta be single to be truly happy 👍

[@BlueEyesBrittany]

I love Elisabeht Gilbert's statement and i hope we return to marriage, fidelity and strong familiy ties and bonds. I agree

[@BlueEyesBrittany]

As long as we make marriage and family a priority .... many people don t these days ...... they do not commit to take all their best efforts to ensure that the marriage lasts and does it well and happy.

[@meredithanthraxelrod]

The marriage hack worked great! I hacked my husband to bits

[@JohnVKaravitis]

+meredithanthraxelrod I hear he's grateful to finally be rid of you.

[@ema.303]

@@JohnVKaravitis 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 naw u aint it

[@ZosiaSamosiaOo]

Very cool talk. I've never been in a relationship but I already know I don't wanna marry. The more I watch TED's take on that, the more certain I become.

[@ZosiaSamosiaOo]

Too bad I'm trapped in a Catholic society. BAM!

[@BLohr707]

ZosiaSamosiaOo you should never feel trapped. You can do what you want. Be different.

[@ZosiaSamosiaOo]

B Thanks for taking me back to this post from almost a year ago, I'm actually surprised at myself for writing that. That must've been the time when I kept on watching and reading depressing stories about failed marriages. Today I only see more and more friends and family members marrying and forming normal happy families, so I'm back to my conviction that I do want to marry (at 30+ though, and that's not changing). Thanks for the heads up though. :)

[@BLohr707]

+James Franco please don't listen to this person! he really just doesn't seem happy with himself, to make a comment like that. be unique and keep growing!

[@Anna-io4zh]

Really interested to see how things have changed if they've changed since this comment hahah.

[@ShadowhunterJDeng]

Was there a follow up study where they looked at whether the plateau remained a plateau or if it "bounced back" or began to decline again?

[@YashPoint0]

Who's here for Psych 2210?

[@tiffany1829]

lol

[@TeriTheTrekkie]

Meeeee doing it very last minute

[@angelit161]

Social psych

[@joshg11]

Psych 210 here! Lovin it

[@raju9757]

lmao tech reppin

[@welovegod1919]

Good video, good points, so no need for low confindence. breathe more

[@cindyjoriley7462]

Gabor Mate' explained health has to do with childhood trauma not marriages. Marriage failure is due to the childhood trauma that has not been dealt with.

[@ggrthemostgodless8713]

he takes three quarters of the vid to get to what the so caled "hack" is... and it turns out it isn't much, but it would work if YOU compromise, basically... better watch the one here on the side called "Marriage 2.0--a system update" it is much, MUCH better; if you insist on marriage, that is.

[@123marchello]

Amazing talk 🙌🙌🙌

[@TheBryanmauro]

1 - The perspective of a neutral 3rd party: "Get a divorce to resolve your issues". 2 What obstacles will you confront: "expensive lawyers and biased legal system" 3 Can you surmount obstacles: "Yes"

[@funkyblanket15]

he sounds like paul giamatti

[@liliana7642]

exactly hahahaha

[@miriamsnowbell8256]

The speaker stresses that his marriage hack fix will take 21 minutes a year. It consists of 3 sessions of 7 minutes when you reflect on your worst conflict over the past four months with a third party's perspective and write about it. No where does he say anything about then being able to use a skill or insight learned in order to adopt a neutral party's perspective while actually fighting or disagreeing. Just 21 minutes of work and magically, you stem the natural decline of your marriage. If there is more to this than delivered in this talk, it is certainly not evident.

[@marybrantly581]

I'm not clear on how to do the work.

[@eva-agneskennedy1093]

This is all well and good IF one of the parties does not have a chronic and progressive addiction, be it alcohol, drugs, work addiction etc. What about if the other person is depressed and uninspired/lethargic and just "can't be bothered" and sees that as okay, not acknowledging that maybe their behavior is contributory? I've encountered these scenarios both in my own former marriage and now seeing it in the marriage of someone I know. In order for this marriage hack to work, BOTH parties need to be invested in the method and subsequent outcome. It needs to be a mutual decision, with both parties seeing the long-term benefits.

[@InGrindWeCrust2010]

If your partner is suffering from mental illness, it's unlikely that they want to be living that way and not "contributing" the way you expect them to.

[@T_Creates]

That’s why it is important to start the hack earlier in the marriage.

[@garrygorsuchd.c.8301]

Marriage ???? What about a healthy relationship the current status is an old paradigm that is fading away. Government does not belong in our personal lives.

[@tracingtheoldworld365]

Absolutely no way. There is no relationship beyond legal marriage. Fake, lousy narcissistic co-habitations

[@Megdracula]

Why would you marry someone you “hate all this time” uhhhhh

[@BlueEyesBrittany]

If a man tells me it is not natural to stay with the same woman throughout life ..... i'll run away .. that is a man's dream of giving in to lust .....

[@topnotchtn4538]

Useful.

[@aresmars2003]

HA! Most third parties would recommend divorce in most cases!

[@drlance4theipad]

I doubt this guy has a happy marriage. “Wants” have replaced NEEDS as far as marriage goes. Couples are no longer dependent upon each other to earn, eat & live & hence the bonds & commitments are far less towards each other. Hence the reason people end relationships at the drop of a hat.

[@ricardomartins8767]

Muito bom.

[@deadguy1040]

sorry for the bad post what i mean by people i mean this man and alot of people like him who do these talks on TED

[@katherenewedic8076]

A sales pitch opening?

[@welovegod1919]

he sounds super nervous. tell him to breathe

[@suzihazlove4979]

he wants to fit all he has to say in...

[@ninjkhurel9657]

Marriage Hack from Asian perspectives and culture: Find your own happiness before you marry. Stop relying on someone to make you happy. Once married, stop being selfish and respect each other. Conflict arises from selfishness. Stop cheating and value your family. Stop marrying for the wrong reasons like money and social status. Man be a man and woman be a woman: Keep ying & yang balanced. America is so out of sync with ying and yang. P.s. This guy maybe a good researcher but not a good speaker, not easy on the ears to listen.

[@Randomcomment7699]

Ester perel talk contain similar

[@welovegod1919]

over time what do you see? you see a downward slope.

[@madisonwalker3646]

Geez! Slow the heck down. Swallow. Breathe. I’m sure he has great message but he’s too jacked up to deliver.

[@djonesnd2000]

8:20

[@user-ee5om8wy7u]

True. Marriage is bad for both men and women, in my opinion. Living together, sleeping together, doing everything together, while being totally different individuals, will do nothing but stifle one's true individuality. That is just the living arrangement idea of it that is no good for an individual growth. An individual rather loses himself or herself in such living arrangment. As for financial aspects of marriage, it is even worse. It is truly a trap because noone tells the newlywed about the risks and unfair rensponsibilities when they get married. But I don't get how people actually come to dream about some weird piece of paper with a stamp? It is not a natural dream for children. As a child myself, I remember I had meaningful dreams: specific activities that would bring me pleasure. For example, I would think how much I want to play with a ball outside or how much I want to climb trees with my friends - there was never a marriage thought. But some people, as they grow up, end up thinking about marriage as something they want. This must be brainwashed into them because getting married is not natural. But this dream is similar to the trend among many young people who somehow end up dreaming about becoming famous and popular...they imagine themselves to be a celebrity, like a famous actor with millions of fans.... They don't even like acting, yet they dream about being an actor! Why? Because it gives them that fame and popularity and recognition! I guess marriage plays on the same feelings - it is about social popularity/recognition. Subconsciously we want to be viewed as "good" by society and be accepted as being "nice" and be approved....Noone would grow to just end up wanting this abstract concept of marriage if it was never public nor ever talked about in society... I understand meaningful dreams like "I want to travel in outerspace!" "I want to jump with a parachute." "I dream to visit every continent" "I want to learn to play guitar" or "I want to see a blue whale alive" - those are real concrete dreams. If you love somebody, you might dream something concrete too, like "I want to learn her native language" or "I want to have children from her"......but "to want to be married" dream has no logic or reason in it, except for social recognition...it is another way of wanting to achieve social approval/status. The actual dream to get married is a dream that says: "I want to be recognized by people around me as a "good" person. " I call it social conditioning!

[@BlueEyesBrittany]

It is always men who decide, who make the rules, who attends to their needs no matter the consequences for women and the unfairness ... and many women have had it ....

[@jimprjayp]

Seriously? people who have been married 50+ years would tell someone that their marriage sucked??? Not going to happen, even if it did! If they say it on TED the stupid will believe like lemmings.

[@ImperatorZed]

People whose marriage really sucks and are too stubborn to leave