Telling Your Addicted Loved One To Go To Therapy Is A MAJOR Mistake!

You've tried everything to get your addicted loved one to deal with their addiction, but nothing is working. Your next thought is to get them to go to therapy, hoping that the counselor can talk some sense into them. But this is a MAJOR MISTAKE. In fact, therapy can make the situation worse! Find out what you should do instead!
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[@PutTheShovelDown]

How many chances should you give your addicted loved one? 👉🏻👉🏻 kzbin.info/www/bejne/hpXScmqfqJqanck

[@themetalprincess]

I like how Amber is brutally honest. Also the southern accent helps! I lost the person I started watching these videos for orginally, but I still watch Ambers videos because she is just so cute, and I enjoy hearing her speak. ❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Awwww, thanks themetalprincess! 😁🥰

[@kareenodum1734]

I’m so sorry you lost your loved one.😢

[@themetalprincess]

@@kareenodum1734 😢

[@laurieriek6444]

I agree with Renee. Daughter was doing therapy, said it didn’t help because she told them what they wanted to hear and get the responses that she wanted.

[@mariaking4950]

Have just reconsidered and listened again and realize you have a well-informed approach to family counselling and that you are really trying to find methods and approaches that work ! You're at the coalface everyday and its clear you're looking for any ways that will actually work and get the different parties on board. Great work.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks for giving it a second chance, Maria!

[@richardlynch6927]

My son started going to AA meetings and now he is much worse than ever .

[@polarbearsrus6980]

Glad you told me, I was just getting ready to insist he go to therapy. Thanks for sharing.

[@lilliepad24]

Wow Amber! It's so courageous and confident of you to share this! Love it

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you so much!! 😁😁😁😁

[@impactwithdonandlinda5924]

#7 You are so right Amber! We have tried to help our addicts by encouraging them to get therapy, the first therapist did so much damage by giving them terrible advice, incomplete, wrong diagnosis, they only told the therapist what they wanted him to know, if he only would have called us to get our view, we would have told him the truth, it really made it worse.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I know it's frustrating. The problem is, that counselors don't typically call family members unless the person asks them to.

[@ginadenny4646]

I went to therapy before addressing my alcocholism. He played a big part in me going to rehab twice. One thing he told me that going to rehab was like your older brother telling you what to do and you knowing he's right.

[@lolaapelt8616]

Another great video Amber!That’s really clever how you get the person in counseling to talk about what matters to them in order to gain their respect and build rapport. Even more clever that you then convince the family to tell their side to a different counselor, then confer with them to gain a more balanced picture. Brilliant! 👏

[@cstarnes1349]

Excellent video for understanding both the perspective of the client and the therapist. Great information- so helpful!!!!! Thank you!

[@karenherrera287]

Trauma is hard enough to address when you are sober, so I agree that trying to address it in a person in active addiction would not be helpful.

[@marymaki-rich558]

I never really understood that his goal and my goal were different. wow!

[@hhweidi1924]

In a meeting with my son’s counsellors, they couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t discuss a certain topic, returning his vehicle to him so he could discharge from treatment to live in it. He told me he was planning on doing that. I was desperately trying to get him to instead go to sober living. They tried to press the issue with me until I told them he called the cops on me. They were horrified. He didn’t tell them that he had did that. After that discovery they realized they weren’t getting the full story and probably had been told things that weren’t fully true.

[@Lllgii]

now dis real talk much respect amber

[@PutTheShovelDown]

So glad you liked it 😀

[@ConstantCompanion]

😢Here's what we've got. My 34 year old son tore his pancreas over Thanksgiving. Spent six days in the hospital. Things went really crazy after that. He more or less lives with us now. Started out, he had a 10:00 curfew. If he's late, he finds somewhere else to sleep That didn't go over well, but he is adhering. It's been rough, but we're united in this. Then there was major altercation. Another rule. He's not allowed to be here unless his father is here. Those are pretty much the only rules he has. Neither are in place to punish him, but rather to enable us to carry on with our lives. Other than that he's free to do what he likes. When he comes in drunk, there's no consequence other than having to get up and go with his dad, which he would have to do anyway, and was pretty much doing before in order to take care of his affairs. Hangovers and staying up all night makes it harder but, that was his choice. In the meantime, we're trying to be supportive. We're pretty much playing it by ear. A lot has happened in a very short time. He's starting to wear out his welcome..and burn a few bridges, but we're doing good because of the boundaries. They do our talking for us. Pressure is increasing.. not from us..but by his own hand. We're considering court ordered inpatient care. I'm researching places now.

[@jeanniej9110]

Makes perfect sense!

[@robnelson6545]

Also somewhat applies if the parents are the addicts and they encourage the scapegoated child who is an adult now to go to therapy. The addicts could be focused on that their addictions make them more social and their is something wrong with the child in that they are not social enough. Then if the child is introverted they may work through therapy to find out that their is nothing wrong with them. But it does help for the therapist to address emotional issues stemming from their relationship with the parents.

[@juliezuvela8865]

Thank you for sharing This has been so helpful

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome!

[@sachintarkar201]

Agree partially, first you need to identify the right therapist. You can't depend on the therapist alone. Along with therapy other measures have to be pursued consistently like medication, proper diet , excersise, work and most importantly attending meetings as frequently as possible. It's a collective effort.

[@christophermoshier]

I respectfully disagree that the most important thing is attending meetings. As an introvert that's not always the best thing and it feeds anxiety rather than tames it. Each person is different. For someone who is more social and outgoing, it helps them certainly attend meetings. It's not for everyone and I wouldn't say that is a necessity for treatment. You should have a connection to the outside world, but it doesn't have to be meetings. I think for an introvert and I can only speak for myself it's most important to focus on interests and hobbies. Focus on anything that doesn't make you think about alcohol. If meetings do that for you then awesome. It's not the most important thing toward recovery. That's old thinking and even you hipper counselors are changing their thinking on that.

[@christinafisher6169]

Still working on myself! I see what your saying. Thank you for the stories you used for examples. I'm trying to get my daughter on board. She is not an addict, but she suffered when I was, both my daughters did. Maybe she needs more time seeing me in recovery?

[@nessauk2786]

I'm sure they love you x

[@lorimcdevitt1506]

I agree. I think the therapist was insightful, but dont think she truly helped. She just took our money.

[@lorimcdevitt1506]

I feel the same way.

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

My sister pushed us away when she drank even at the end she became hysterical when we offered to visit her at home cause she knew that poison would have gone down the sink she was also ashamed because of the mess she was in she died alone on the floor I would have got her back in hospital had she let me go to her as she was yellow now we have an inquest to go through we are heartbroken and the guilt and pain we feel is terrible I hope other addicts think about how this addiction affects their loved ones as well as them but I doubt t because the addition comes first I saw her flat after she passed anyway and it became clear why she refused to let us go it breaks my heart that her pride got in the way of her loving family being with her in her final moments I will never get over it I’m missing my sister as she drank for her lost 2months so we lost her in June she passed the last week in august and we don’t even have a date.

[@RootBound505]

Was she the scapegoat?

[@user-ny8mj2hh9k]

This is true it didn't work with my grandson 😢

[@cheerfulmouse]

Patrick Tehan is so good to listen to, nice 👍

[@PutTheShovelDown]

He is really good. I enjoy his videos 😎

[@loba49]

What about EMDR? Therapies like that which directly address underlying traumas etc?

[@alison-mw3tl]

😂😂 you seriously are the best❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Right Back At Ya! 💖😀

[@TheMJLive]

As an ative user going too therapy, this wasn't useful. Case now my brain is telling me to stop going

[@aprilboden7219]

I have many parallels to Barbara's situation. I come from a dysfunctional middle class family and my AH from a poor dysfunctional family, living on campsites just as she described.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow! That is a lot of similarities!

[@lisadollar8481]

My partner gets angry because I don't want to be intimate with him due to him staying away for days at a time and I don't feel safe anymore.

[@polarbearsrus6980]

You need to be careful, if you don't feel safe that's a warning. Please be safe. Maybe this isn't the right partner for you. Just a thought.

[@cheerfulmouse]

Nope, family/marriage counseling didn't work for us. Had 2 different ones. Didn't meet for long enough. Cause life. Some parts helped, but over time, addict got better at hiding, and also learned techniques like 'I feel' statements to further manipulate and run from responsibility.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I completely understand what you're saying here. I have a new video coming out soon about why couples counseling doen't help when it comes to addiction!

[@cheerfulmouse]

@@PutTheShovelDown a statement in your interview was helpful. Something like... If you work on either problem, the addiction or the dysfunction, the system is still going to suffer. We would work on the dysfunction, then attempt to address parts of the addiction. Ultimately we each have to decide what we're willing and able to put up with.

[@mandytiger]

@@PutTheShovelDowndo you have the link to the video you were doing as just started couples therapy and seems like all they picked up was not my fault I drink and relapsed

[@mariaking4950]

A therapist cannot work on behalf of 2 parties, you have to be clear at the beginning that you are working with the client and that the sessions are confidential, and the parents cannot tell you what to do or what your goals with the client should be. Even if the parents are paying they should accept your professional parameters and boundaries. Do you have supervision? This should clarify the role of therapist and give the therapist clarity,bconfidence and strategies to be clear with the parents that they are not in charge of the sessions. Lets face it it is quite likely that the parent child relationship is an important factor in the problem.

[@jocelynnowen3078]

I see that what you’re saying here is true but it’s too late. I screwed that up big time and you know what? I knew better!! I’m so angry with myself now 🥵

[@alison-mw3tl]

The best!

[@nmoneer]

What about alcoholics who turn workaholic? Where do they go? Are they any recommendations for nationwide support groups for family members of workaholics? An addict is an addict.

[@francevenezia]

This comment is suggestions for future videos. Maybe you've already done them: 1) A list of What triggers addicts/alcoholics to leave treatment? What can an addict or alcoholic expect from a 30-60-90 day treatment or sober living or therapy. Common pitfalls or "reasons" why clients leave treatment. This would be to help prepare an addict or alcoholic, to some degree, to know what to expect, so that they might stay and get the most out of treatment. 2) These videos are for the families and loved ones of addicts and alcoholics. I would like to suggest a series directed specifically @ the addict and alcoholics themselves who might need help understanding the addiction, why they can't get sober, and might want to begin getting therapy and getting sober.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks for the topic suggestions! I'll put the first on my list. There are actually a good amount of videos on this channel specifically for the person who is addicted. Here's a link to a playlist of those videos: kzbin.info/www/bejne/lXStq2mNbaiGpM0

[@francevenezia]

@@PutTheShovelDown Thank you.

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

They don’t want help because that wold mean admitting they had a problem and they will die before they do that.

[@KidCity1985]

I agree

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Julie!

[@gddjwd]

How do you handle the infidelity? Wasnt physical but the thoughts and actions were there on his part. Because he has decided he needs a child of his own now that he is 60. I have 2 sons that love him and tell him he is better dad than their sperm donor.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

This video might help. It's on that exact topic: kzbin.info/www/bejne/Y6jSeHp4gdhjeMU

[@gddjwd]

Im not sure this helps me very much. Im really struggling with this one.

[@sarahkanieski8293]

Oh dear. My husband's therapists name is Amber. Amber knows nothing. Amber has her own problems abs likely has bodies hiding in her basement.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

😮😮😮

[@theresareynolds3834]

What do you f o if judge has ordered therapy

[@PutTheShovelDown]

you do what the judge tells you! 😜

[@trishhuerta4577]

Off topic but help please,,, so ah is 4 months sober we are working on us, he left for almost 6 months but came back upon deciding to chose sober and married with me. Last night we were having movies snuggle couch time as things have been going well, he even is way back to God, studying, worship and teaching studies. Last night I said we should just start over like the last 14 years didn’t even happen, like we were just getting to know each other. His comment...so I can move back to my buddies? Omg he laughed and laughed it was just a joke he said. I literally am shut down on giving a single care about him to take that time in my life and laugh at it

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Your extra sensitivity is likely related to feeling traumatized by this situation. This video might help. kzbin.info/www/bejne/lXqsepiYo9qgpsk

[@brookedannar1425]

LOL to the condom story.😂

[@PutTheShovelDown]

😜😜😜

[@pakac7666]

How does AA fit into this?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Good question, Paka. If you force someone to go to AA, they'll be looking for all the reasons why they're not like the other people, why they don't like it, and why it's not helpful.

[@pakac7666]

Ka pai, thanks

[@shirlannelett4192]

Residencial inpatient is better.

[@arctic6088]

7

[@kathleenverner2250]

Disagree about Al-Anon

[@juliezuvela8865]

🙏

[@melissasanford2051]

Please stop with the false statements! You could. Stop someone from getting the life saving treatment they need. Helllooo, SCIENCE!

[@sonialove8478]

Therapy and Psychology is not science, that is the problem. It can not be replicated and it varies and it’s all based on different theories not on facts or science. Sorry but psychology is not a science. Some therapy works because the person is ready to take on accountability for their actions and make change, but a therapist won’t fix someone who is only trying to play the victim card!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're right about therapy not really being a science. I'd say it's more of an art!