Don't Get Sucked Into Conflict: 11 Tips to Handle Difficult People - Terri Cole

[@terri_cole]

Do you have difficult people in your life? Do you find it hard not to take their stuff on as yours? Let me know below!

[@desiderata333]

Yes I do, Terri but you do help me a lot. Thank you very much for sharing your expertise, knowledge, wisdom. By the way, you look so radiant and beautiful! You inspire me to take good care of myself on the outside also, after years of abuse. God bless, love and light. XO Cindy.

[@ElisaF-q5m]

Thank you so much for this video!! I have my mother, she is always angry and trying to fight. Using blame and guilty to manage me and make me feel responsible, and control me. Now I am 8 months pregnant and really want to keep my boundaries, I don’t want her at my home right now. She uses the excuse she wants to help me, but it never happens. She just have requests and needs when she comes to my place, she judges and complains. Today I told her I don’t need her here right now, and she said I am egoist, that I am keeping her far, and so on… she is the most difficult person in my life. Thank you Terri ❤

[@helenalovelock1030]

Yes it’s a nightmare

[@NolwaziMendes-m5i]

Thank you very much . This video has really helped me lots!

[@JayJay-wg5ex]

yes mother, ex and son. lol the trilogy

[@pwhite5411]

Oh yes. You are so right Terri, it takes way too much of our time and energy. My MIL only calls to complain about the same thing she’s complained about for 36 years. She doesn’t want a solution, she wants to complain. Just last week when she started complaining, I called her out to say “ I know you’ve been dealing with this for a long time now because you mention it each time we talk. Perhaps its time to talk to a professional because I don’t have the solution.” She was annoyed but really! Venting should have an expiration date.

[@JennaHasm]

What is she complaining about?

[@abilitea9380]

I really like this, because I always thought I would be "strong" if I get loud and defensive and stood up for myself, when in reality it is so much more powerful to stay calm and reasonable. ❤

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing that with us 💕

[@0301nghosh]

I dump such people whether friends or family. The energy wasted in putting up with them is too draining.

[@LynnSandler-j9k]

I try to be super supportive with people who are hurting emotionally and find myself getting sucked into their dark vortex, its emotionally draining in fact. Im learning the need to establish boundaries with the "Boundary Bully"🎉

[@ddfarmer2004]

It does feel like a vortex - a black hole. I have decided to stay clear of getting too close to the vortex. I am loving from a distance.

[@TheKak933]

So helpful! Just let them be with their misery. I have a senior parent like this and to let him be with his misery is the best advice I’ve heard. He has all the care he needs and then some but there’s always a complaint. Just let it be

[@ddfarmer2004]

Me too. She is 79 and a handful. She inspired me to write a comedy book about it. I feel like it's paying off for me now. Will publish soon.

[@level_ken5231]

I have a cousin like this who was a close confidant before but over time became very opinionated and dismissive. After a tough breakup, she took my ex gf’s side in blaming me for everything that went wrong in the relationship and the breakup. I chose to create distance and didn’t talk with my cousin for a good 4, 5 months. She didn’t like that at all but I’m keeping it that way because my sanity matters.

[@rebeccas.7584]

Sometimes it’s nice to hear this information over and over. Remind ourselves it’s not us, it’s them. Having a practice script ready is a fantastic tool for all difficult conversations. Tools make us successful and confident.

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@ddfarmer2004]

I like your honesty about setting boundaries and about people who want to be angry or a victim. Stop trying to fix them. Who has time? Love this.

[@helenalovelock1030]

I have this with my friend all the time. It’s extremely exhausting

[@reenacoffman6492]

Thank you Terri. This is so right on. I have a daughter that does this to me, and she is is a huge boundary bully. She has turned my oldest granddaughter against me as she gathers her “army” of people that validate her cruelty to me. She is extremely rude and disrespectful towards me. I thank you for the important tips that I wrote down!!!!

[@terri_cole]

Witnessing you with compassion, Reena ❤

[@snowcoconuts8660]

Daughters don't retaliate if you didn't do something wrong in the first place. Reflect on your past behaviours with a fair mind

[@celiastevens4058]

​@@snowcoconuts8660this feels judgemental and unfair. It's based on assumptions.

[@jenniferlloyd9574]

Wow, you just described my sister. I'm late here because I've be scouring around watching videos. But, I'm having anxiety attacks where I can't breath. You know when you cry and can't catch your breath, it feels like that but without the tears.

[@helenalovelock1030]

@@snowcoconuts8660. Yes they do daughters can be extremely mean for no reason

[@birdie6916]

Another great video, Terri! Thank you! With the help of your book and videos, I have really set and upheld my boundaries this year. It has been so hard to do as I am a people pleaser and an HSP, but I finally realized their issues and misery are not mine to take on, fix, change, etc. I no longer care if they are pissed off at me for setting a boundary. They'll get over it! 😁

[@terri_cole]

Right on, Birdie! Go YOU!!

[@neiceystauffer9085]

yes 🙌🏻

[@redwarrior2424]

They'll get over it ... or not. Whatever.

[@Cec67]

I will hear this over and over take notes and apply to keep my sanity…. From your previous video realized that I’m codependent and have issues with my mom, was feeling ok after got married and moved out then moved all the way to west, have two of my daughters 28 & 30 yrs old where I try my best to have healthy boundaries ( another issue of mine that I set boundaries but give in so easily), now for past 7 years my mom lives with us and as much as I do to keep her happy, she loves to complain, mumble out loud which triggers my childhood wounds and I loose it sometimes with her, while I try to be perfect example to my daughters of loving caring daughter trying to keep her mom happy at age 78, I grew up hearing my mom wishes death and here I am at age 55 who’s becoming a grandmother soon, still hearing my mom’s complaints, when I lost my cool few times I told her” if you don’t want to live, either don’t take your medications on time or take them all together, as much as I love you, I can’t make you want to live….. how more insensitive I could be.😢 I’m devastated, I can’t keep everyone around me happy, I realize it’s not my job, I’m trying to become a helpful mother and grandmother, plus to keep my mom in her space to stop interfering with my daughters life, I can’t be the peacemaker anymore…. Sorry for long comment and that you again for your videos Terri ❤

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with love and compassion, CeCilia ❤ It sounds like you're shouldering a lot right now. Sending strength your way!

[@RonaldBarrett-ii9vt]

Nice advise. I love in a homeless shelter I feel as though this video will help immensely! Thanks again.

[@terri_cole]

I am so glad it was helpful for you ❤️

[@behappy1964]

This topic describes my exact painful experience with my now former partner, yet until I found Terri I had little knowledge of codependency & boundaries. I've participated in EVERY course Terri offered, every workshop & carefully listened to her videos since... January 2020 to get where I am today. The first, & quite intentionally the only, online education I've engaged with as I identified the quality of Terri's work right away. Along with therapy, I can hear Terri's video, with this particular content & understand exactly the dance that was occurring, continue to bring healing and further explore how to "stay in my lane" & avoid the over responsibility trap with friends & family. This video cements how to handle boundary bullies that I may come across in the future. 👏

[@wendyharding8886]

My daughter moved away and continuously expects me to drop everything and fly to her rescue. Thank you for helping me start to create my boundaries with her.

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome, Wendy ❤️ You got this!

[@LynnSandler-j9k]

If you say something they dont like, stay calm and listen to them explode stay calm its the best choice, these individuals have a low tolerance and not much patience. You cannot interrupt these types need to have their say bottom line

[@Esterfortofay357]

How kind to invite me to introduce myself… Thank you for teaching how to deal with difficult people… I want peace and joy these days in my life no more trauma and drama

[@terri_cole]

I feel you on that! ❤️

[@ddfarmer2004]

@@terri_cole Peace is the key - I am seeking it through boundary setting. Sometimes I don't say a word. I just change the way I interact with people. Sometimes that mean shutting up.

[@carollecampeau4750]

Thank you :) I ended a friendship because of that. I still love the person, but I love myself. I don't want people like that in my life. I want harmony, peace and if not, being able to communicate in a loving way or else it's a deal breaker for me.

[@terri_cole]

Right on, Carolle! It can be painful but hopefully it makes space in your life for more fulfilling friendships ❤️

[@geraldineheil4005]

Love this video!! Thank you so much!! Very helpful to hear this and the way you have explained it is brilliant!! 💚🌹💚🌹

[@flyingcheff]

Ok, you're hearing from me!! 😅 I have a very beloved friend, and we used to have great conversations about all kinds of positive stuff. Ever since.....politics, covid, economy, etc. I shun the phone. No matter what, she'll get into ranting and spewing for a LONG time about all this stuff, and it's always the same old negative topics. She often calls on her day off of work - kind of to check on me and connect, which I appreciate, but the endless barage of just shit is outside of my living in peace boundary, especially as I'm recovering from a major health issue. I find myself not answering calls from her and not picking up the phone to call her too, which really feels isolating. I've gently talked to her about it, but it doesn't seem to change. I feel a bit of resentment, as though she has robbed us of any quality girlfriend time. I'd like to do this better for myself, and for our friendship, she is a solid, true blue friend, I really love her, and she's good people. Are there any more tips? I'm reading the BBB. I am a largely recovered codependent/helper. I have little taped up signs all over my walls (even ON the phone handset), saying, "Disengage; no opinion ", or, "Just say no, it's OK", and my favorite, "Do YOU even want to speak to someone right now"?, etc. 🤣 thanks for all your help. I was on the edge of my seat with this episode and playing it several times.

[@terri_cole]

I think you can request “no politics” or whatever the topic is when you speak to her. You can say, “Heads up- I am on a negativity fast and am trying to stay away from topics that are draining me- can we please talk about something else?”

[@ddfarmer2004]

I also like that we can stay lovingly attached without taking on their stuff. That is awesome - I don't want to detach totally from the difficult person (due to who they are in my life), but I don't want to be weighed down by their baggage. I am practicing setting health boundaries with that person. Even though I can see it bothers them. I also advise them to get a counselor - telling them I am not equipped to do that for them. I repeat as necessary. I am feeling free for the first time in my life. Loving my life.

[@terri_cole]

Right on!! 🙌🙌

[@bellezasimplificada]

I can agree with this but to me its hard to always ignore i have a sibling that i just had to give up on because she always had a problem with me. Got to a point where i felt bullied! So i think with certain people distance is necessary for your own peace. Or to keep you out of jail 🫣

[@chickadeeacres3864]

Yup, even siblings. I hear you.

[@dannacollins2520]

​@@chickadeeacres3864especially siblings

[@neiceystauffer9085]

wow me too! who wud think! it’s my sd and never had issues with her for years but now 🤷🏼‍♀️ hard to know how to handle cause it’s just more of a grey area being isn’t mine so as much i try to be fair and equal along with my blood siblings this is a struggle for me cause my husband (her father) is blind to it

[@eddy2561]

You described my current girlfriend, most of the time she only sees the negativity of life and super paranoid as well. It's challenge for me.

[@terri_cole]

That sounds difficult ❤️

[@missysemien1241]

Yes!! Thank you for this information. Yes, I had a conversation online with our son and he was getting upset, mad and frustrated I proceeded to tell him that “I know it sucks son and you have the right to your own thoughts and feeling and they are valid.. he got more upset at the fact that I don’t. As about him and all I care about is peace I then proceeded to tell him you are correct son I am he got more upset so I ended our conversation with I love you son and take care. And of course there are others in my family as I know I may be difficult to others but on my journey with therapy I’m learning to give people their space to express their thoughts and feelings but I also feel it should not be in the expense of disrespecting me. Thank you!! Thank you!! This information is very HELPFUL!!

[@SRHisntSilent]

I got so much respect for you especially with your no bs approach. I will try de-escalating conflict with my narcissist mother. I've been trying everything method over a decade now

[@terri_cole]

This can be difficult to navigate with a narcissistic mother. If you've already tried the grey rock method, sometimes I just recommend dialing your contact back with her (if you don't want to go no contact). Perhaps stick to phone conversations rather than seeing her in person, or 10 minute conversations rather than 30 minutes. ❤️ I did an episode focused on narcissistic mothers here that may help: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rp2beYGoYr-mrJY and kzbin.info/www/bejne/mnW3d2ifjduVn5Y

[@jannamartens9806]

I’m a positive projector.

[@ChristinaCircelli]

Thank you sister.

[@vsgurumani307]

These are very practical n doable things. Thank you for doing thus vdo for someone like me who is struggling with this in my life.

[@happygoluckystar8069]

Very logical advice. 👍👍 Hope it works for majority of cases. 🙏 I personally have had an opposite experience. Hearing such people out, not fighting them back, etc had only enabled that person to push further with violating my boundaries and insulting my calmness even 🤷‍♀️ 😂 Some people just dont get calmed even when we act in a civilized way. Some people should have been stopped immediately,by „I am not engaging in this conversation and I would appreciate if you respect my decision”. 🙄 that’s it.

[@lindseythompson7352]

Terri, thank you for your words of wisdom. I discovered you over on Insight Timer and now diving into your channel here. My partner of 7 years is so negative and fixed in his mindset. Everything is a problem and he cannot see any positives in his life. He is angry and frustrated with everything and everyone. Whenever I try to talk about my feelings or needs, he doesn't want to listen. He seems to feed off his own misery. I try to disconnect from it but it's dragging me down after 7 years of being with him. I've realised that I've never known about boundaries or how to communicate them, so it looks like I've got some work to do to lay some down with him. I feel like I am growing and moving on and he us stuck, like a broken record and of course, there's nothing I can do about it. I feel like I've wasted my time again on yet another partner with these same qualities. Rinse and repeat. I'm 48 and finally waking up to my patterns and I'm exhausted by it all! 🙄🤕

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion and love as you navigate this, Lindsey ❤ Thank you for joining us over here.

[@lindseythompson7352]

@@terri_cole Thank you so much for your support and empathy!

[@steevoridgeline]

Thanks Terri for this video and yes indeed i found lots of answers and reassurance that i was facing a reel boundary bully. The term fits perfect actually! i wrote down your tips, and ill do my best to integrate that the next time he calls... 🤝👍🏻

[@beverlyhogan3682]

Do I have trouble taking on other people’s stuff??? Indeed I do AND it ]has taken away from taking care of myself. It takes away from having joy in my life and giving joy to others whom I feel genuinely and sincerely drawn to rather than obligated. I have learned from listening to you Terri, that people think I am assertive. I am upfront and clear about other people being taken advantage of (at work, in general areas of life). I will almost always advocate for others being treated unfairly by other people - whether it is a large system doing the injustice or one or more individuals. And I take up for me in many situations. But I took your boundary assessment and I lean to the aggressive NOT assertive side. People get that mixed up. I get it mixed up and it is only as I have grown older that I have come to know that how I say it and the emotion and conviction I say “it” with determines how effective I can be with setting boundaries. But I get the "dizzy -what is happening here spells" in some personal relationships. These are usually the ones where there is a mutual mix of dysfunction going back and forth between us. While I am in there playing out these roles, I am not self-aware and am baffled by what is going on. . Then one day, my eyes open and I adamantly move-on and have had enough. Even when it is the right thing to do with the person, and even if the outcome would probably not have been different, I always wish I had - as it was occurring - the presence to see and process what was happening and speak then instead of spiraling into a rabbit hole. Again, I would rather be clear and aware before I allow such intensity in myself. These relationships that are full of confusion nd poor boundaries are physically and emotionally unhealthy./ Thank you for the word and the real spirit of being and loving.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️ It might be helpful to ask the 3 Qs for these relationships where you get baffled: 1) Who does this person remind me of? 2) Where have I felt like this before? 3) How or why is the behavioral dynamic familiar to you? This may help you identify why the intense feelings are coming up.

[@Tina_Pedirn96]

You are amazing and I took notes and will read them all the time

[@terri_cole]

Thank you, so glad you found it helpful!

[@celestehogan5907]

Dear Ms Cole. Thank u for your most generous discussion.. putting 30 yrs? of codependent boundary therapy into this clearly put video … your manner so giving to all, without guilt or reprimand as many videos do. You speak from the heart and you seem to know what this is all about.. even caregivers must learn this to continue feeling ok with their clients who become very irritable, and even bully their caregiver, family member without realizing. Thank you for this very urgent topic!! 😊

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome, thank you for watching and for taking the time to leave this lovely comment ❤️❤️

[@sarahoconnor3278]

These people are family. I have had to remove myself to protect myself. I am overwhelmed by guilt but I can't do it anymore. I have a family event coming up and I have so much anxiety around potential conflict.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion, Sarah ❤️ All of our adult relationships are voluntary. If these folks are harming your mental health, you have every right to remove yourself from their presence. ❤️ I have a video about setting conversational boundaries at a family event that may help, too: kzbin.info/www/bejne/mGK6nYmmopKaadE

[@Indrafran]

Thanks for the tips. I have learnt a lot from your videos

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome, thanks for being here! ❤

[@nirban5960]

This video has saved me from so many things. Actually this saved my life. Thank you so much.

[@terri_cole]

I am so glad it was helpful for you ❤️

[@penelopejones9131]

Thank you for sharing!

[@colevandais]

Thank you so much Terri Cole. I really appreciate your videos and especially this one which is a clear reflexion of my life. I try to make people happy, but it seems some will never be, no matter what you do

[@terri_cole]

If you're trying your best, the other person's reaction is likely more about them and less about you ❤️

[@colevandais]

@@terri_cole Thank you for the perspective. Makes sense

[@asdf4678z]

I could listen to this on repeat! This is my partner and some family members! I've been backing way off and saying things like That sounds hard. What are you going to do about it? I'm sure you'll figure things out. I hope things work out for you etc Any suggestion to solve an issue is met with a NO They don't want to fix their problems. It's as you said- they are attached to their misery. It's so exhausting and I am slowly taking my mental and emotional energy back. I'm feeling happier,.more energetic, slow but surely. Any

[@terri_cole]

Wooohooo 🙌🙌🙌 That's amazing!

[@jacquelinewhittaker4651]

Excellent. Varied and not repetitive...great skills, and interesting to listen to.

[@terri_cole]

Glad you enjoyed it Jacqueline!

[@1Thedairy]

This is the best advice I’ve heard in dealing with difficult people. I would like to know more though about how you set the boundaries without the fear of repercussion or maybe that can’t be avoided.

[@terri_cole]

Feeling fear around setting boundaries is normal. I like to say that our relationships aren't that fragile. And if a relationship blows up because you set a boundary, then it was based on you self-abandoning (which isn't healthy, either!). I have LOTS of videos about boundaries on my channel (and I wrote a book all about it called Boundary Boss). Of course, if you're talking about someone who is abusive, then please prioritize your safety above all else. ❤️

[@aishataviator]

This was damn good and explained so well. Thanks Terri!

[@terri_cole]

So glad to hear it was helpful!

[@cassandra3862]

This is so helpful. Thank you. I’m going to order your book.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so happy it helped you ❤️ Enjoy Boundary Boss!

[@joylightin-AlKimmy]

Thank you for your service, especially about narcissism attack methods. I'm going through hell right now with my almost 40-year-old daughter who is The definition of narcissism

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry to hear that and am sending you strength and love 💕

[@SpaceCadete101]

don't worry, be happy

[@kendallturner4263]

Thank you so much for covering a video on these kinds of interactions, I seem to attract them all the time in work environments. It always feels like checkmate, like no matter what I do / say it just adds fuel to their fire and I end up looking and feeling more shame than ever and even scarier is when it could possibly turn violent, as it can so easily do if they are fired up enough. I’m still hoping to master this fear of this confrontation, but I love there is a video such as this to validate and to help 🙏

[@terri_cole]

I am so sorry to hear you're going through that at work, Kendall ❤️ I have a video on effective communication in general, but it might be useful for the workplace: kzbin.info/www/bejne/bIfdiomnfcunm9k

[@robynschlewitz1541]

Thank you....I went against boundaries I had set for myself regarding my daughter....she is 32 and gravely disabled mentally, with behaviors, screaming and destroying things, has let personal hygiene get to a point of open sores ...much from substance abuse and polypharmacy abuse as well. Anyway long long story short....I swore I would not let her in the door, and tonite I am suffering the consequences of empty threats and promises....Im literally on verge of nervous breakdown.... But your message seemed to calm her down ( even as she was in another room) and definitely has me remembering I am not equipped to help or handle her, she was not " born ...or raised ....or brought up to become...." this way". I've not yet abandoned her...and I know she is so alone and lost....but it will be my demise to continue being around her . She refuses to seek help. She is familiar with most every facility in the greater Wa area. Police and Firefighters and Pastors have reached out numerous times... Counselors, doctors, social workers and family. It seems this deep misery is taking over ...body and soul. It's so hard to prepare to move away in these next weeks, not knowing where or what she will do...I understand why it's called tough love....because it's tough and rough for me as ( evil villain) Mom....not that I am giving it to her...the " tough love"....it's hard and rough to be at this crossroads of letting go and distancing for fear of my health. God knows I've cried rivers of pain and worry .... Emotionally I'm not sure how to cope.....maybe your book can help??? Anyways I liked your message/ topic and you have great communication that isn't sugar coated...or bland...it was the perfect mix...and made my attitude a bit sweeter too...( She certainly calmed down in the other room as I listened. She is now asleep!!! .....so thank you for your work and insightful knowledge!!! Timing was perfect!!!

[@terri_cole]

I am so sorry to hear about your painful situation with your daughter, Robyn ❤️ I am glad the message in my video could help you both. It sounds like there is a lot to mourn and grieve on your end, understandably so. I have a video about the emotional roller coaster of setting boundaries here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/l16kZJR9r6yVaLM And there is a video about trauma and boundaries here (if you had any childhood trauma, it may make it difficult to set boundaries: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rni5mWCubbx4d9k Finally, my Boundary Boss Bill of Rights is here, in case it can be a helpful reminder to you: kzbin.info/www/bejne/jYqWemulrcSSg5Y

[@Cafferdite15]

Thank you for sharing your story. My daughter is still young 17, but I see the need to start setting more boundaries.

[@lawannabest7572]

i am new to your channel and new to self help. I am enjoying your teachings. I honestly feel empowered by the fact that my need for soft sheets and throws. I didn't know this was a a real thing. I have had this need since I was a teenager. I just thought I was needy and weird.

[@terri_cole]

Hi there Lawanna, thanks for being here ❤️ I am all about soft sheets and throws!

[@SusieArce]

Great information. I'm in the beginning stages of developing a training on Having Difficult Conversations and your video has quite a bit of valuable information I can use. Thank you.

[@terri_cole]

Thanks- I would kindly request that you provide credit for anything you use from my channel 💕

[@TheRedSpotSalon]

Thank You so very much I’m a hair stylist 💇🏽‍♀️ and I hate dealing with difficult clients some times they are asking for refunds and I’m learning that I have some childhood trauma and I don’t like to deal with conflict and difficult situations and clients so I’m learning to fix my issues so I want to thank you and I’m gonna go look at your guide to see if your prompts can help me.

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome ❤️ I hope it helps!

[@JacquelynGrimes-f9k]

Your awesome! Your right! As you know easier said that done! I’m trying! God bless you!

[@terri_cole]

Cheering you on 💕

[@rayel4366]

Thank you that great advice.. really interesting the reaction from the folks you are trying to help. I have experience this.

[@zrosa6229]

Thank you so much for your video. It help me how to talk to other people.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad to hear that! 💕

[@janineordway1391]

My parents (in their early 60s and I'm in my early 30s) can be very difficult. They are coming from a place of love, however, they insist on trying to micromanage my relationships, within and outside of the family, how I choose to spend my $...etc. Technically they cannot control any of those things, but with there being some history where I left home at 23 against their wishes and now say I have created a deep wound in the family, they use guilt as a means of controlling me. Things will be great until I do something they don't agree with, then I am told how I'm abandoning the family (I moved to NY and they live in NJ) how I'm being disrespectful. I acknowledge and take accountability for the fact that I don't always handle the disagreements well either. Thankfully, between content like yours and having a loving and supporting partner (boyfriend of 6 years and a great extended family) I am learning how to manage the relationship with my parents and though it hasn't been successful yet, I am about to make a big step into setting stronger boundaries and not letting them guilt trip me anymore! Thank you for all of your knowledge!

[@terri_cole]

Witnessing you with compassion, Janine, and I'm cheering you on along the way as you take these big steps ❤ Thank you for being here!

[@arrow9293]

Wow, I find myself in a similar situation. I am trying to get away from them but so hard to . I moved back in with them during COVID and now find it difficult to get out. I had a plan to but unfortunately a doctor turned it down who I have to listen to.

[@nataliealford6277]

great video! Helps with people who work in Customer Service

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad you found it helpful ❤️

[@powerpositive8226]

Thank you for sharing

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome!

[@cynth68]

Hello Terri! Just came across your channel after seeing a reel of you from Women of Impact. Cheers from Australia 🇦🇺

[@terri_cole]

Welcome to my KZbin crew! Thanks for being here ❤️

[@jamesstallworth2721]

Thanks for the information 👍

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome!

[@marija5409]

Hi, I have mother and my partner like this. With mother I had no contact for 2 months, and now that we talk again, I'm is on distance, talking from dinstance with her. My partner have diagnosed mental health issues, taking medications. Overly jelous and possesive, attacking me every other day for something and I'm tkinking about leaving him. I am expecting a baby with him and it's hard to make decision because I feel sorry for him. And I know he will get worse if I leave but I think I can't handle anymore. I know I will figured out something, but It's hard right now. Thank you Terri for your knowledge and wisdom! ❤

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️ I have a video about staying or leaving here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/fYW6npt6erVkoMk

[@sammydoll730]

You look like Leanne Rimes ❤️ Thanks for the video recovery from narcissists

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@Lexi_Con]

"Some people seem to intentionally misunderstand what you are saying... [to give them an excuse to create conflict or stay angry]" is spot on! 🎯💯 I'm currently dealing w/ someone who's an admitted narcissist & lately showing strong Borderline PD traits. His behavior has changed almost like Jekyll & Hyde the past week. I've implemented every one of these techniques & consider myself pretty patient, objective & judgement free, bc I'm aware of his issues - & nobody's perfect. Yet he has gotten verbally aggressive & volatile over the phone. Every. Single. Time, regardless of how good/calm the conversation begins. He disrespects my boundaries & uses whatever I say (no matter how gently) to blame shift & insult me. It's futile, so I stopped answering his calls. He's left horrible texts. I can only assume the drastic change is bc he's off his meds. He's overly defensive about everything, including positive thoughts & reassurance. No empathy nor insight/concern w/consequences of his verbal garbage whatsoever. I can only take so much stress!! 😳😵‍💫😫

[@Lexi_Con]

* Got 3 more texts from him while watching & writing my comment. Afraid to look. I will not be an emotional punching bag!

[@terri_cole]

I'm glad you're no longer responding. You absolutely do not deserve to be an emotional punching bag. Cheering you on for holding this boundary 💕

[@Light_1966]

Awesome ❤

[@rossanderson5243]

I’m a fixer. I tend to give them back themselves though. Someone whom I was talking to today was talking about a difficulty with her daughter. The lady talks in power struggle terms, but I said to her that expectation is an emotion and that it’s forceful and that her expectation didn’t give her daughter a choice because she was forcing a expectation on her. I think people forget or don’t know expectation is an emotion..

[@AmandaSoaresMusic]

Just commenting to say that your lip stick game is on point!! 💄 😉

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@ChristineWairimuwamai]

From kenya much love❤❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉🎉

[@terri_cole]

💕💕

[@tslilbearshoppe9870]

What you are saying to do is going to be very hard for me but I am going to try really hard. I am going to make a list and keep it in my phone for reference. Thank you! Love that term: boundary bully, I know a few. I need to know how to quit being a fixer. I'll look for vids on that.

[@terri_cole]

I see you and I know it's difficult ❤️ I used to be super codependent in my 20s, and it took a while for me to heal, but I did. I would gently invite you to focus on becoming aware of your urge to fix things, because this compulsion is what drives us. When we become aware of it, we can choose to react differently. (Like having faith the person will figure it out on their own!) I've done a lot of videos on codependency (I'm also writing a book about it!), but here are a few to begin with: kzbin.info/www/bejne/faO9Ymimi56SkM0 kzbin.info/www/bejne/anOnYqupZqyfmLs kzbin.info/www/bejne/g320poeXas2saZI

[@tslilbearshoppe9870]

thank you I never even knew I was a fixer lol...I thought I was just type A and wanted to get as much stuff done as possible. My boss used to say give it to Toni she'll knock it out in seconds.... It was very true. You know if you want something done give it to the busy person@@terri_cole

[@marianamartins5795]

I appreciate your words of wisdom so much! My mother for the past 3 years decided to destroy me mentally and physically with her arguments just about anything! It looks like she is recharging after each argument! I feel like she is thrilled if I am getting ill or have some life problems. She turns to "teach" me how to behave and live this life " correct" all the time! and I am almost 50!... This makes me ill! I became very anxious and physically ill because of her behaviour. I am scared to go and see her at her place because I know she will question me and judge me again and again. I don't know what to do. She lives independently because of her pride but needs help all the time. She would not agree to go to a care home or have someone to look after her. She relies on me whilst ' eating me alive' with her demands and judgement. Would you advise anything please. Looking forward to hear back from you soon 😢

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this with your mother ❤️ What I usually say to clients in this situation is: what would happen if you were abducted by aliens tomorrow? Would your mom figure it out? Hire help? Try getting creative and using this as an exercise to see what else might be possible in this situation. Personally, I do not think we owe abusers anything. Even if they are our parents. I speak about this at the end of this video: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rp2beYGoYr-mrJY

[@marianamartins5795]

@@terri_cole Thank you Terri for replying. Take care of yourself xx

[@terri_cole]

You as well ❤️

[@probi99]

Yes I told my Boundary bully that I didn't wanna hear about how she was molested backstage by the director for the 20th time. I said it was inappropriate for a mother to tell a daughter. Boy was she pissed! Lololol

[@zayneharbison]

Amazing!

[@CharlieandSabastian]

Hi Terri, I love listening to your podcast. I would consider myself to be an empath. I’m a people pleaser, which I hope to find a strategy, to be strong minded,

[@terri_cole]

I see you 💕 I have tips on how to form boundaries as an empath here, in case it's helpful: kzbin.info/www/bejne/e5iqkJ-pd5ushLs You might also enjoy this discussion I had with a fellow empath/highly sensitive person, Alissa Boyer: kzbin.info/www/bejne/r6Taaml4qqp6iaM

[@cassiestevens8382]

Thanks❣️🕊

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@helenalovelock1030]

Wow such amazing advise so pleased I found you. I’m really struggling with my daughter everything I do and say is wrong. I want to help as she is struggling in life emotional and Mental health and she’s my daughter I love very much but sometimes she wants to argue and debate her extreme left political views over and over and over. She has so much anger towards the world and other , fallen out with many friends and family members and also her career and financial situation as she has chosen to do very low paid charity work (which I admire her for very much) instead of following on from her highly educated law degree. I’m at a loss, every interaction upsets me and she seems to try to make me feel guilty for things, even things like having a house whilst she cannot afford to pay her rent. I just don’t know how to deal with things as she has felt suicidal too. I’m not in a position to pay financially for her rent and she lives away and won’t come home either. How can I help her ? Xxx

[@terri_cole]

I am so sorry to hear you're struggling in your relationship with your daughter, Helena. Sending you lots of love ❤️ I think in this case, boundaries are in order. You have a right to tell your daughter that discussing politics is off the table because it doesn't lead to anything constructive. Let her know you love her and support her, but that you want to be able to talk to her and have a relationship with her. Can you think of anything where you two can agree or talk freely? Maybe suggest those topics. You can also look at how you're relating to each other. Is everything ending in an argument because you're both disagreeing constantly? Can each of you take a step back and consider the other person's perspective, mirror it back, and make sure you understand each other correctly? Can you understand where each of you is coming from? I would also let her know that there are free mental health resources and crisis lines out there should she need them. I have a whole list on my website: terricole.com/gethelp I also want to say that not being able to pay her rent is okay. It is not your responsibility. That is her side of the street to take care of. Sometimes we need to let our grown adult kids make mistakes, even if it is painful. I have more about that here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/oqPQdomKhcp7itk I hope some of that helps xo

[@helenalovelock1030]

@@terri_cole thank you so so much. I love your videos. I love your calmness and serenity I wish I was calm like you. I will keep watching ❤️❤️❤️

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome 💕 I'm not always calm! I need my daily meditation practice- it makes a huge difference.

[@RickeyLeonard-s5o]

Yeah , som ething it's my wife but most of the time it's me in all of this thank you it's good we can be here

[@terri_cole]

I'm glad this video was helpful for you ❤️

[@colleenpollock2908]

I didn't have the patience to de-escalate. Trying to worm themselves into my life, telling me what is going to happen (with them at the helm) and what plans she had - was too much. I brought out the big guns and walked out. Received a message the next day that I was rude and hurtful. History repeats itself. Never responded.

[@KirstinWolf]

Just had a situation but there was a 15 month old baby girl involved. My auto fix kicked in. I was trying to protect the emotions of the baby from the hysterical mother who blamed her for something then blamed everyone in her life for her history of mood swings/explosions 💔☹️ 😢 #family

[@terri_cole]

Witnessing you with compassion, Kirstin ❤ that sounds like a difficult situation.

[@lisadee9749]

Hi Terri, what do I say to a narc who is a chronic complainer? It is soooo draining and I want to learn to stop it.

[@terri_cole]

Protect your energy and do your best to not take on their complaints, make suggestions, or try to fix it. Step back from the conversation. You might say things like, “That’s a shame,” or ,“What a drag," with no need to fix. Asking a narc to not complain will most likely backfire so the part you can work on is how much of that negativity you let into your internal world.

[@jillwklausen]

This could not be more timely. I just had yet another difficult visit with my mother in law due to her penchant for being contrary. No matter what I say, she has to counter it, regardless how benign. An example: We had a problem with flies swarming our food when we tried eating on the patio, so I found a small fan to put on the table to deter them. We had a lovely brunch with nary a fly, and when I commented that it appeared my fan idea worked, she chimed in with, "Or maybe the flies just aren't awake yet." Really? Flies are sleeping at 10 a.m.? What the hell is that? (Though I didn't actually say anything, choosing to keep my mouth shut to keep the peace.) This is but one example of the constant challenges she throws at me, making me feel small and insignificant, and it becomes emotionally exhausting to the point of me just blowing up. Facebook shared a memory of some photos I had taken of her beautiful property in Denmark over Halloween six years ago. So I showed them to her and reminisced about how lovely they were and what a coincidence that they popped up while she was here. She couldn't just say, "Oh those are beautiful photos," she had to challenge me on whether I was sure they'd been taken at Halloween because it's usually her coming to the U.S. to see us in the fall, not the other way around. Showing her the date stamp on the images still didn't stop the barrage of questioning me about my certainty because she didn't remember it. It was maddening. I sighed after the third time she pushed me, and she became defensive and asked me why I was sighing at her. I said I was annoyed at being repeatedly challenged when I've shown her actual evidence, and she insisted she was just trying to express that she didn't remember it. I stormed out and stayed in my room for the next hour or so like a teenager, and I'm 61 years old for God's sake! I need to learn safe ways to stop this behavior from getting to me because I love my mother in law and really want our visits to be comfortable for all of us, my husband included. Before she left yesterday, I told her I need her to be more affirmative toward me and less challenging ― to resist the urge to find an alternative to what I've said and just say, "Yes, that was a great idea," or "That's funny that I don't remember that trip at all, but I'm sure you must be right," and not make me feel like I'm being gaslighted. I need a vacation from her vacation now.

[@terri_cole]

Witnessing you with compassion, Jill ❤

[@flyingcheff]

Jill, I'm also witnessing you with compassion. Since you wrote that you need a way to deal with the difficult dynamic with your mother-in-law, might I suggest something that works for me? When I'm in a situation like that with a contary person, I often remind myself that the other person's behavior is not about me - at ALL. Then, if I'm successful at remembering to not take it personally, I do this thing I call "S and N"; smile and nod. And then if I'm feeling a bit extra generous (to myself), I think - not say outloud- "that poor dear, it must be so miserable inside her/him". This defuses the situation for ME. I believe a person can't fight with nothing, so I take myself out of the equation. I don't always succeed but it is very helpful for my own peace when I do. I hope that is helpful, it IS truly a bear to deal with a contrary person. I imagine people that behave in that manner must feel small and don't know how to feel more confident and resort to battle tactics to survive....Terri could expound on that one....Best to you, good luck.

[@jillwklausen]

Thank you for this great advice, @@flyingcheff. I will remember your tactic for next time we're together. I have childhood trauma from having a narcissistic mother whom I could never please or do anything right in her eyes. I've told my MIL this, but she simply doesn't recognize her behavior when she does it to me. And if it were rare or infrequent, it wouldn't bother me so much, but it's relentless. You've got me wondering what her mother must have been like toward her for her to be like this to me. My husband said she does the same thing to him, but I never witness it. He said he just shrugs it off. I wish I could. I told him it feels like death by a thousand little cuts. Ugh. Thank you again for sharing your experience and solution. It was very kind of you to take the time and make the effort to comfort and advise me. Enjoy your evening.

[@behappy1964]

Some people's "need to be right" can supercede considering the impact it has on the listener! Their behavior! This video really hits how to handle these difficult people so beautifully! I wish I had this information years ago myself. Witnessing you with so much compassion & encouragement ❤

[@Cec67]

I thinks it’s easier to apply when they don’t live with you

[@SilenceThe13th]

Great 👍

[@rapsongmo]

Do you have examples of how to extracate yourself? I have a certain weekly work call that i need to learn to do exactly everything youre talking about. I just dont even have the words to say. Do you have examples?

[@terri_cole]

I saw that you found another video of mine, but I'll recommend these as well in case they're helpful for others: kzbin.info/www/bejne/hKLOga17hch_mbM & kzbin.info/www/bejne/noLEpWxqf6aFq7M

[@JayJay-wg5ex]

question 1. yes yes yes

[@Shanshanmoon]

Omg yes

[@MelissaTaylor-m6r]

Omg Terri I was in a relationship for a little over a year with a man that was so controlling in conversations. He talked so much and didn’t give me a chance to comment on his conversations. By the time I could speak I had forgotten what the conversation was because he had already talked about 5 other stories? And if I was lucky enough to get a chance to speak he hated it if I asked a question that he was about to answer if I had just waited until he was finished talking, which seemed to never happen?

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry you experienced this ❤️

[@jenniferlloyd9574]

Sounds like my sister. I learned a new term "verbal processor". I'm an internal processor, btw. They will drive a person up a wall because they NEVER STOP TALKING. Unfortunately, this is how they think. They think OUT LOUD. I'm here because I'm on the verge of going no contact with my older sister. She won't stop venting to me about the tiniest of minutiae in her life for hours every day on the phone. I'm drained. Her frustration threshold is non-existent. She was also the covert ringleader of my family scapegoating, but you'd never hear her admit that. Her kids have already buried me...🪦. She's a hypocrite,too. After Mom passed from covid, I wanted to have a relationship with my sister, but am regretting that decision. I realized that she's been gaslighting me. I realized that the family drama and my scapegoating has her at its core... Of the past 3 years, 2.5 have been a gradually escalating pattern of small abuses and increasing toxicity. Now, I'm having panic attacks and insomnia. I've emotionally shut down. I'm having memory lapses from gaslighting and attacks. My cortisol and blood pressure are elevated. I'm anxious, nervous, depressed, afraid, stressed, etc... I've gained 30 pounds and look pregnant due to the elevated cortisol. After my awakening and realization took place these last two weeks, I decided to go to counseling. Maybe get some medication to calm me down, too. I'm in hypervigilant fight or flight mode. I feel exhausted.

[@chrissemenko628]

I simply observe them like they're mental patient. Then, I deal with my emotions in private later. Christi

[@jenniferlloyd9574]

I saw a different video that described your method. It's spot on the best way...

[@FLAVCO]

im in the crappy situation of being middle aged and having to live with my parents. My Stepfather is a very strange individual. i feel he suffers from some kind of cylical Bi Polar condition. I'm no psychatrist but Im just writing what i have observed in my experience with this individual. he is very domineering around the house and he always seems to reach a point once every 10-11 weeks where he basically goes on the warpath and tries very hard to get a rise out of people and start a big fight. He will do whatever he can to provoke me. Like hammering one nail on the wall right near my room for hours to torment me and get a rise out of me thusly resulting in a big fight so he can vent all this awful darkness and anger he has. i just dont know how to deal with this dreadful person!!

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry to hear that- that sounds like a distressing situation 💕 Is there any way to not engage with him when he's like this, or to remove yourself from the situation, even temporarily? Like going for a walk around the neighborhood or to the store? If his goal is to get a rise out of you, I would do everything in your power to *not* give into that, which I realize is difficult. If you can break that cycle, he may be less likely to do it in the future. Can you observe what's going on from a third-party perspective? Ross Rosenberg has a technique he calls "observe, don't absorb" for dealing with narcissists, but it may work here, too: humanmagnetsyndrome.com/hmsblog/observe-dont-absorb-technique-how-to-disconnect-from-the-narcissist/ Some of the tips in this video might still be helpful, too. Above all, know that you don't deserve this treatment. I hope you're able to find a way out of the situation soon.

[@brooklyniron1999]

Any idea for how to handle Narcissists?

[@terri_cole]

I just had a conversation with Dr. Jaime Zuckerman about boundaries and narcissistic parents which might shed some light: kzbin.info/www/bejne/e2arfWiMha-qpcksi=emZa6b4WMVy4rcfS In general, I think of narcissists as boundary destroyers. They have their own agenda, which often bulldozes through other people's boundaries. Sometimes, the best tactic is to lessen contact. That might mean going from calling twice a week to once a week, or just texting. If you can't do that, then I recommend treating conversations like a business. Stick to facts, don't bring emotions into it. Just be professional. They're looking for supply, and by being "boring," you're not giving them any. (This is also called the grey rock method.) Hope that helps!

[@brooklyniron1999]

@@terri_cole thank you so much Terri. This is very helpful.

[@upstatenewyork]

I do positive projection. But why does it make people not like us?

[@terri_cole]

I mean it in the sense of you cannot assume that everyone else shares the same thought process as you or has the same values or morals as you do. I went through a lot of my early life automatically assuming people *did* share my thoughts, beliefs, values, and morals, which ended up in me getting hurt and being susceptible to certain scams. I hope that clarifies it!

[@YuriBIsrael]

Who is this woman? 😅. I love this video.

[@terri_cole]

Well hey there, I'm so glad you enjoyed it!

[@cassiestevens8382]

Thanks!

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much, Cassie! I appreciate your support and am grateful to have you here ❤️❤️

[@petersharbin5384]

Nice

[@n0tfr0mth1sw0rld]

Im so angry cause im this ppl pleaser and fixing my bosses life for the past years without any recognition or valuation. And hes prioritizing other people and things but never thinking about me. Not even congratulating me to my bday, even ignoring it when i remind him 😒😠

[@terri_cole]

I see you ❤️ Is your boss actively asking you to do these things? If so, I would ask for a meeting where you bring all the proof of your accomplishments to the table and ask for a raise. If they're not asking you to "fix their life," then I would stop going above and beyond for them and stick to what's in your contract/what's listed as your responsibilities. I say this with a lot of love and empathy because I used to over-give and over-function for everyone in my life and I expected a parade for it. I felt taken advantage of. The truth was, I was serving myself up on a silver platter for other folks and doing things they never asked me to do. I just *felt* like I had to do them. I saw problems no one else saw and felt compelled to fix them. I talk about it more in this video (which you might find helpful): kzbin.info/www/bejne/gKLHdIugrbJqg7M

[@n0tfr0mth1sw0rld]

@@terri_cole thanks ❤️ wasn't expecting an answer but appreciate it. Will check out the video❤️ I just shared a small part of the big picture. It's a tricky situation and I have spoken in detail with a therapist about it, which told me I need to quit as I won't be able to solve this with this guy. I agree with this, but have other entanglements with my workplace which makes it harder to leave. To give more insight, i got two horses which need to be fed mornings/evenings and blanketed in winter. I can do this before I start work and after I end without adding extra time to my long days. I wasn't aware that the specific breed I was rescuing was so high maintenance and costly, but I'm attached now and won't give them away. It makes me anxious though about leaving as it would increase my cost and time immensely, if I would have to get them of the property where I've been working for the past years. In regards of my boss, he is already in his 70's and has an issue with his short term memory for his entire life. He is consuming alcohol in the evenings and has disrupted sleep patterns. what he remembers is random. He might say what he likes me to do on one day and reverse it completely the next. Might even give me the fault for things he wanted me to do a certain way. One specific time I had evidence that he made the decision not me and instead of acknowledging that he was in the wrong and apologising, he just stopped saying anything. No conversation about it whatsoever. Most times I don't have evidence though. Gladly I have a great memory and can normally recall in detail what happened when and why, which probably helps him to realise that he can't recall any of it and makes what I say believable. It Puts me in a constant fight or flight though, where I tend to control everything, to have reassurance that I understand exactly what he wants. If what he wants me to do doesn't make sense, I do it differently. Now, here comes the crazy part. If I simply do as he says, he points out that I did it wrong. if I ignore what he says and implement my own solution based on what's practical and is sensible aka do it correctly, he is thinking he was advising me to do this in the first place. So, he gives himself false credit for what I did, while I'm aware that he is living in a complete distortion of reality, believing he is far more competent than he actually is. As soon as I'm stepping back we enter absolute craziness, but I do realise that me stepping up is only a bandaid and doesn't fix the actual problem. I'm sad that I tried so hard for years achieved so much and don't get the recognition I earned. It triggers me, cause I recognise the same pattern with my mum. They seem so similar 😢 It makes me angry that I've put up with all this bs for so long, that I made myself dependent on such a draining situation. I can't leave it at work either. I'm taking it home, It's effecting my life eating me up. He is not open to have a conversation and ignores confrontation till it dies down. He doesn't have a partner and his two previous marriages ended ( I assume because of his character and condition) It makes things harder for me though as I don't have anyone else who would witness what he says and does. There is a big gap in regards of what my contract says and what I'm actually doing, mainly cause he is incompetent when it comes to delegating, organising, executing and decision making. Simple decisions already turn into overwhelming problems. He is very selfish/self absorbed and just repeats stories or what's important to him to make conversation like a broken record. I think he cant think further. When I ask him what his plans are for tomorrow, he always makes a joke that he'll think about it tomorrow. I mainly wrote this down for myself to gain clarity. Its become very clear that I have to tell him that I'm quitting, to give myself the chance for a new start elsewhere. If someone reads this and they find themselves in a similar situation, see you are not alone 😅 we both have a rare crazy type of chef 🙈 or had 😉

[@n0tfr0mth1sw0rld]

@@terri_cole @terri_cole thanks ❤️ wasn't expecting an answer but appreciate it. Will check out the video❤️ I just shared a small part of the big picture. It's a tricky situation and I have spoken in detail with a therapist about it, which told me I need to quit as I won't be able to solve this with this guy. I agree with this, but have other entanglements with my workplace which makes it harder to leave. To give more insight, i got two horses which need to be fed mornings/evenings and blanketed in winter. I can do this before I start work and after I end without adding extra time to my long days. I wasn't aware that the specific breed I was rescuing was so high maintenance and costly, but I'm attached now and won't give them away. It makes me anxious though about leaving as it would increase my cost and time immensely, if I would have to get them of the property where I've been working for the past years. In regards of my boss, he is already in his 70's and has an issue with his short term memory for his entire life. He is consuming alcohol in the evenings and has disrupted sleep patterns. what he remembers is random. He might say what he likes me to do on one day and reverse it completely the next. Might even give me the fault for things he wanted me to do a certain way. One specific time I had evidence that he made the decision not me and instead of acknowledging that he was in the wrong and apologising, he just stopped saying anything. No conversation about it whatsoever. Most times I don't have evidence though. Gladly I have a great memory and can normally recall in detail what happened when and why, which probably helps him to realise that he can't recall any of it and makes what I say believable. It Puts me in a constant fight or flight though, where I tend to control everything, to have reassurance that I understand exactly what he wants. If what he wants me to do doesn't make sense, I do it differently. Now, here comes the crazy part. If I simply do as he says, he points out that I did it wrong. if I ignore what he says and implement my own solution based on what's practical and is sensible aka do it correctly, he is thinking he was advising me to do this in the first place. So, he gives himself false credit for what I did, while I'm aware that he is living in a complete distortion of reality, believing he is far more competent than he actually is. As soon as I'm stepping back we enter absolute craziness, but I do realise that me stepping up is only a bandaid and doesn't fix the actual problem. I'm sad that I tried so hard for years achieved so much and don't get the recognition I earned. It triggers me, cause I recognise the same pattern with my mum. They seem so similar 😢 It makes me angry that I've put up with all this bs for so long, that I made myself dependent on such a draining situation. I can't leave it at work either. I'm taking it home, It's effecting my life eating me up. He is not open to have a conversation and ignores confrontation till it dies down. He doesn't have a partner and his two previous marriages ended ( I assume because of his character and condition) It makes things harder for me though as I don't have anyone else who would witness what he says and does. There is a big gap in regards of what my contract says and what I'm actually doing, mainly cause he is incompetent when it comes to delegating, organising, executing and decision making. Simple decisions already turn into overwhelming problems. He is very selfish/self absorbed and just repeats stories or what's important to him to make conversation like a broken record. I think he cant think further. When I ask him what his plans are for tomorrow, he always makes a joke that he'll think about it tomorrow. I mainly wrote this down for myself to gain clarity. Its become very clear that I have to tell him that I'm quitting, to give myself the chance for a new start elsewhere. If someone reads this and they find themselves in a similar situation, see you are not alone 😅 we both have a rare crazy type of chef 🙈 or had 😉

[@terri_cole]

I am so sorry to hear the extent of how awful things are for you there 💕 If you've already unpacked this with a therapist and came to the conclusion you need to leave, it sounds like that is the right decision for you. You can also know in your heart that you need to leave, and give yourself time to make preparations in terms of the horses. I am a big fan of letting go of something that isn't serving you to make room for something that DOES serve you. I hope an aligned opportunity comes your way soon! P.S. In case it's helpful for anyone else in a similar situation, try to get things down in writing as much as possible. If a boss or manager asks you to do something, ask for a record, or send them a message/email saying, "My understanding from our conversation is you'd like me to do X, Y, Z by [date] and within these parameters...is that correct?" It can sometimes help both parties get on the same page, especially when communication is challenging.

[@valerieoconnor4462]

All alone in life family don't respect me cos I'm single no kids, they have. They treat me differently i swear and it hurts terribly

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️

[@teresa4973]

How do you deal with this when it's your husband and he only treats you this way and no one else? He is so nice and charismatic with everyone else but I think he feels like he can take any of his negative feelings on me... And when I tell him he does this, he doesn't believe me...

[@terri_cole]

Teresa, that sounds like an incredibly difficult situation. I think couples counseling can work for this - it seems like he isn’t able to take feedback from you, so it’s possible he will be able to hear this from an objective third person perspective. You can also set boundaries with him and let him know that when he takes out his negative feelings on you, you will not listen and will be exiting the conversation. Continue to share with him how you feel, knowing you cannot control whether or not he believes you. You can only keep your side of the street clean and keep your boundaries clear. Wishing you the best 💕

[@teresa4973]

@terri_cole Thank you! Everything you said is spot on... We've tried the counseling once and it only brought up issues we didn't know how to resolve, so I'm hesitant to try it again.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry to hear that! I have a guide to finding the right therapist here that could be applied to couple's counseling as well: kzbin.info/www/bejne/gZLRfqCKisqIorM I recommend "interviewing" any therapist you're thinking of working with, where you can raise this concern and ask how they'd be able to help you address it. ❤️

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Sounds like my narcissistic sister 🦈🦈☝🏻

[@evasmite6045]

But doesn’t the point of being proactive in a way contradict one of earlier Terri’s videos where she was giving an example of venting to her mum about something, and being upset when instantly offered a solution, coz that’s not what she needed in that moment, she needed compassion, not the unsolicited advice? So how is that different in this situation then? If people want to be heard, of course the practical solution won’t be appreciated.

[@terri_cole]

Thanks for asking- it's not different. Being proactive means knowing yourself and getting really clear about what is on your side of the street and what isn’t when you are in the thick of it with a difficult person. If you tend towards codependency or are an auto-fixer, you are likely especially vulnerable to wanting to always have the answer for someone and to be of service in some way. Being aware of how you tend to react/respond around this person is helpful because then you can change the dance and NOT get sucked in. To avoid all of this, we can always ask someone, "How can I best support you right now?" or say, "I have faith you'll figure this out because you're the only one who can."

[@SeventhTrump-kp5bu]

keep your land lines...

[@floare79]

Where is the list of 11 tips?

[@terri_cole]

They're sprinkled throughout the video and called out on-screen, but here they are: 1. Stay calm 2. Listen to what they're saying 3. Try to stay neutral 4. Don't leave abruptly 5. Avoid defensiveness 6. Know the people in your life (those who are difficult) 7. Don't take the bait 8. Know yourself (are you a people-pleaser or empath?) 9. Allow them to vent without taking it on 10. Beware of positive projection 11. Have healthy boundaries

[@jannamartens9806]

Why would you be attached to misery and negativity it kinda sick and twisted?

[@terri_cole]

This can happen for many reasons- sometimes it is due to an original injury or the home you grew up in.

[@juliehards7691]

Used to tell my ex husband. Going on about same things. Sounds like a broken record.

[@LynnSandler-j9k]

Natural born helper 🎉