Emotional Invalidation in Relationships: What You Need to Know - Terri Cole

[@terri_cole]

Have you ever had the experience of being emotionally invalidated? What did it feel like? Did you communicate this to the other person? Let me know 👇

[@deniserobins-z3o]

My son has done this to me for a long time. After 7 years of not being heard i have now stopped striving to be a valued part of his family. This decision by me to put boundaries in place has huge implications and consequences in that I no longer have a relationship with my son three beautiful grandchildren. All I did was dare to say how i felt.This is very sad for me however dancing to his tunes has reduced my self esteem and had me asking myself am I crazy. Its hard adjusting and im grieving the loss. i am so grateful i am growing in confidence and finding friends that do validate and support me.

[@edugie1820]

Yes and right now I am protecting my well-being and have informed him I am taking no more steps until a couple therapist is involved as the emotional invalidation amongst other things are now too much for me to tolerate as it has become emotional torture.

[@lucindanonhebel5329]

Consistent lateness can be a sign of disrespect as the latecomer is valuing their own time more. 🤔

[@MS-ns4ki]

Consistent rude and hurtful behavior isn’t going to make a future

[@arabesquearomas]

I really liked this clarifying statement - "People who don't care about the way you feel are not emotionally safe people."

[@angelamossucco2190]

And therefore they cannot be VIP in your life. In other words keep it surface with them for your emotional safety

[@catedi3679]

Yes, it took me while 2 realizing that someone understanding a sernerial doesn't mean they care bout my feeling/ emotional state.

[@ap311403]

1000%

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

My dad is this way.

[@yaknowamsayin]

What do if staying surface is painful and cognitively taxing? I have ASD and cannot do surface level interactions because it really forces me to mask my true self. Means I can’t be with emotionally unsafe people without it harming me. Even my parents 😞

[@michellet796]

I love when Terri said, "I have this rule that if you want to be in my life, you can not understand the way that I feel, but you definitely have to give a shit. For sure. Or you can't be in the VIP section of my life." Thank you Terri! So good. I'm playing this over & over in my mind until I can fully stick with that as a rule for myself!

[@terri_cole]

🙌🙌🙌

[@nicolebrown3022]

I was in a longterm relationship where this was a HUGE problem. My feelings were always invalidated or devalued. This caused me to shut down and start with passive aggressive behaviors because I could not directly express how I felt. The resentment amongst other things is what caused me to ultimately leave the relationship. I can identify with everything you've stated in this video. Thank you.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry you experienced that behavior, Nicole ❤️

[@kimmywinky6825]

I've learned and grown so much in the last couple years and it wasn't from the half dozen therapists throughout my life I saw,, medications, which thankfully not on anymore, books etc. It was my neighbor validating my feelings, which was the 1st time in 58 years anyone listened let alone validated me. It has changed my life and led me to you, your book and starting to really find answers and heal!

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️

[@marymcfadden6631]

Thank you for another excellent video. My clue I'm being invalidated is an immediate lonely feeling. Looking forward to your next book. Having a chronically ill father and scared mother from early childhood, I can relate to being a high functioning codependent. Trying to control things to feel safe. You put it into words perfectly.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for being here ❤️

[@doreenm8693]

Yes. My ex husband would constantly shame me for seeking validation. I thought I was being needy or too emotional, but I was only seeking understanding.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry to hear that 💕

[@lisadee9749]

I see that I have a lot of emotionally unsafe people in my life, through their emotional invalidation. I am working to limit or remove those relationships. When I tell my mom what you are saying to me is hurting my feelings, all she says is you are just too sensitive. Then at the next visit she insults me with the same comment and I got upset. She then told me I was a grudge holder. I wasn't the one who brought it up. As she was leaving she then knocked on the bedroom door and said through it, "but I still love you Lisa." It reminds me as a child I was to be seen but not heard. GAG, your repeated actions are not fitting those words mom. Not in my VIP section any longer.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion and sending strength your way ❤️

[@theinspirationstation763]

I can totally relate. I experienced this from my mother as well.🙏

[@lisadee9749]

@@theinspirationstation763 Thanks Felita.

[@rob_see]

@@lookupyourredemptiondrawsn7285 im realizing my dad does this to me. i shared something at lunch with him the other day that was important to me, and he just acted like i said nothing, just looked around stared at his food, then started talking about something else. it made me so upset, i eventually made a passive aggressive comment that i regretted, because i felt unheard. i said "i dont like going out to lunch and sitting around but i wanted to spend time with you so here we are." it was an ugly, passive aggressive comment, and i said it because i was angry at being emotionally invalidated, but didn't feel safe to challenge him in the moment for not validating me.

[@susanmcmillan9204]

I’m so sorry to hear you were treated like that:(

[@miriamswuethrich]

You‘re putting in words, what I have always felt, but had no words for it. Thank you. So many AHA moments. Makes me see my life in a whole new different way. ❤

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad to hear that ❤️❤️

[@andi754]

I am constantly dismissed by my mom. It feels extremely hurtful not being heard. I am making peace with it. Forgiving just so I have peace.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️

[@TheCovertsEnabler]

I feel you. And it primes us to accept this dismissal from others in our lives, as well, since one of the people that's supposed to love us the most does it. It does hurt, very badly. You're not alone.

[@KathrynMcFarlane-hu5hy]

Sorry to hear this.

[@smnthftlvr]

I've just learned through this video that I had been invalidating my ex partner's feelings for the four years that we were together. He constantly tried to bring it up but I just didn't understand and thought he would stay until I fixed it but obviously, a person can only take so much until he pulled the plug and broke it off for good. I'm glad he did because it wouldn't have led me to this video but it's also very sad that it had to come to that for me to actually listen :/

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion and holding space for your sadness ❤️

[@falutak]

What a very narcissistic thing to say.

[@NN-fz4pd]

It’s not narcissistic at all lol calm down

[@Willettgirl]

I'm really glad I found this channel because its making me recognize that I may have done some damage to my relationships but also making me realize that I have worth. I was in an emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive relationship for 8 years. Not to mention my own mother has shown narcissistic tendencies. My defensiveness has been formed from many many years of emotional manipulation and gaslighting... Its just been a mess and I've starting seeking therapy. But listening to these videos has really shed some light on a lot of things.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️

[@sallybrown4936]

I loved the suggestion of ‘mirroring’ your partner’s feelings/ communication attempt. We have an absolute fail often from the first sentences uttered when my partner completely misunderstands my words. A good starting point for improvement!

[@terri_cole]

So glad it was helpful ❤️

[@angelap.9670]

I love this. i agree, it is so important and so many of us don't learn how to validate emotions and how to be supportive. We should learn this in school. Thank you Terri.

[@lisahagerstrom3327]

I realize i definitely have had a very invalidating way about me with my friends and loved ones..not even realizing it at the time, this is eye opening. I do want to strive to be a better person

[@terri_cole]

So glad it was helpful 💕

[@darralansman9895]

I've finally admitted that I am not a natural empathizer. Yes, I can cry with a friend who has just lost her husband because I know that feeling. I can hurt with a friend who's child is choosing destructive behaviors because I've dealt with that too. I can even console a grieving stranger who has lost everything in a tornado even though I've never experienced that kind of loss. What I have a hard time empathizing with is drama or whining for the sake of attention; I don't have patience with "neediness." I drains me. I've thought, "if you don't like how you feel then change it!" or, "stop the drama!" I hear what you say; we don't have to agree with or understand their feelings in order to empathize. Is it still validating when we say, "Oh my, that must be so hard, I'm sorry you're going through that," when we really can't put ourselves in their shoes? Yes, I have to work on validating they feel what they feel, neither right or wrong. Doesn't that sometimes just enable unhealthy emotional neediness? A constant need for external validation is exhausting for those who have to live or work with that person. I'm also not one to emote a lot of feelings. My husband says I'm guarded. I say I'm just emotionally level; I don't get upset easily or highly excited. Just thoughts I'm expressing...Thanks Terri for another thought provoking video!

[@terri_cole]

I think you can choose carefully as to who you feel required to emotionally validate. If you work with someone who's a habitual complainer, there's no reason you need to emotionally validate them as they're not a person who is in your VIP section, ya know? You might say, “That’s a drag. I hope you figure it out.” The end.

[@CristalSponaugle]

Hi Terri my name is cristal i finally left my abusive husband i found your videos I want to say thank you first i felt like i deserved all the abuse you have taught me so much i never heard of gaslighting after watching your video over and over i realized my husband has done this to me for 10 years. I was granted a 2 year protective order im taking this time to start putting my life back together.

[@terri_cole]

Hi Cristal, I am so glad my videos are helping you, and I am happy to hear you are taking this time to put your life back together. ❤️ Way to go for leaving and I am cheering you on!

[@WhistleblowingGoodWitch]

WOW Terri 🤦‍♀️. I will continue to listen and learn from you. I'm in the thick of it now with a woman in 12-Step Recovery who has been abusive towards me. I have parted ways with my invalidating Sponsor since she has basically thrown me under the bus and taken this narcissistic bigot's side. She has told me she recommends I stop attending the meeting where this has happened and I am OVER IT. Thank you ❤ Nichol

[@terri_cole]

I am so sorry to hear, that sounds like a painful situation ❤️ Glad you've figured out a way through!

[@ap311403]

This video has been incredibly helpful. Thank you.

[@terri_cole]

So happy to hear it was helpful ❤️

[@christelnielandt5117]

Dear Terri, please do not ask me why. Just recently I started listening to your videos. Let me introduce myself briefly. Am a divorced lady 56 years young, no kids. HSP. Am a huge yoga fan and nature lover ( despite my fear for tick bites, can you explain a bit more about fears in life. My fear for ticks is simply because of the disease called Lyme disease. Being younger I also ‘had’ this huge fear for diseases / cancer. Could you talk about this please ?). Back to this video : I got so (!) much touched. I recognise myself clearly : I always (!) wanted / want to help people giving advice BUT the truth IS : their distress was / is causing me a lot of distress. Huge thanks for this MAJOR eye opener !! I have learned a lot by listening to you. Yes I do go and see a psychologist which is very supportive too. Love to continue listening to your videos. Big hug from Belgium. Christel 🙏🌷❤️. Ps : for so many years I felt weird. As soon as I found out I am HSP, so much has fallen into place.

[@terri_cole]

You're so not alone in feeling weird and then having things fall into place once you realize you're an HSP. And I feel you on wanting to help because I couldn't handle people's distress, either. ❤️ I'm not sure I could cover having specific fears without more info- that might be something better explored with your psychologist, especially because they could help guide you through it over time.

[@christelnielandt5117]

@@terri_cole🙏🌷

[@Cec67]

Thank you Terri, I always enjoy listening to you and work on myself 😊 So far I thought I was making the person to feel better apparently was emotionally invalidating 😮, cause some ppl keep repeating same subject as victims which I can’t stand On side note, just received my order Boundary Boss and looking forward to read it ❤

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much for ordering Boundary Boss, I hope you enjoy it! ❤️ I have a few tips on how to deal with unreasonable people (that complain) in this vid in case it's helpful: kzbin.info/www/bejne/eoGsiJWajpWNo5o

[@doodlebugscritters2715]

I am having a huge struggle as the wife of a diagnosed narcissist, I believe a vulnerable narc. My opinions have very rarely mattered over the years. It's so hard to push for boundaries when I'm so trained to not "hurt" him, it's easier to just give in. It is extremely hard to express myself after so many years, but I'm working on it now! 🙂

[@kateb5828]

You might be best to get away from him forever. They cannot change and want to keep you unhappy and controlled.

[@terri_cole]

Witnessing you with compassion and sending strength your way ❤️

[@TheRuinofDarkness]

Lots of good nuggets here. I know when I've been invalidating and I've tried to do better because I never want anyone to feel unheard/unseen, etc.

[@reneebarnes2632]

Hi Terri! Renee here from Arizona. Love your book.I need a good therapist like you in my life long ago!

[@terri_cole]

Well hi there Renee, thanks for tuning in from Arizona! Glad to hear you loved Boundary Boss ❤️

[@allisonb.8492]

KZbin channels such as yours has taught me more than going to counseling has. Thank you for the work you do. It is so very relevant today. Best wishes!

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much, Allison ❤️❤️ Glad it's helpful!

[@rsamuels6969]

Great video! I recognize this- is this something you bring up to people that aren’t aware? Refer them to therapy? Just get away from them? I appreciate all that you do!

[@terri_cole]

It depends on if you value the relationship or not. Most people are unaware that they're doing it. If it's a relationship you value, you can ask them to simply listen and hold space for your experience without invalidating your feelings and see what they're capable of. ❤️

[@rsamuels6969]

@@terri_cole thank you so helpful!!

[@KathrynMcFarlane-hu5hy]

I dont think we have the proper tools. Its certainly not a conscious decision. Sometimes emotions drive our replies However its good to learn skills. Especially empathy.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

You just said what I heard when I was a kid. He would say "stop crying or I will give you something to cry about" including being hit with the belt. Verbal and physical abuse.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry you experienced this ❤️

[@KathrynMcFarlane-hu5hy]

Trauma is a life time of healing

[@lisakrushinski9436]

This episode is so incredibly helpful to me! I’m excited to implement what I’m learning in my interactions with women in addiction recovery. Thank you, Terri!

[@terri_cole]

You are so welcome, Lisa. ❤️ Thanks for being here.

[@LeandroMartinscg]

One annoying thing is when you are talking about something you are struggling with and the person in response, instead of listening, is her bringing their struggles like a bizarre competition of "who are struggling more".

[@terri_cole]

I feel you on this, Leandro ❤️

[@7oclockmiracles88]

I’ve done this to people. I have had it done to me!! I just didn’t know any other way to listen because I felt they needed me to SOLVE their problems and I didn’t feel adequate, yet I cared deeply. Their distress WS SO DISTRESSING TO ME MAKING ME FEEL SO INADEQUATE AND INCAPABLE OF HELPING SOMEONE I LOVD DEEPLY. VERY DEEPLY. No one teaches these skills but somehow we are expected to know 😢❤. Wish they taught it in element school vs science.

[@susanna8612]

Its because many people are hurt and feel nobody never listen to them either and also feel that they cant carry everyone elses problems on top of that. I recognise I do this only to people who I feel never was there for me when everything was going good for them and I needed them but then they expect me to be all ear and support system to them when they strugle. Its some kind of defend system I guess. People should seek therapists or neutral friend to talk to, with who they dont have much history with.

[@findingsolace7537]

Sometime people are doing this to show people that they aren’t alone. It’s kind of a way to show support and validation.

[@divergentmind2023]

i am emotionally invalidating to others and myself 😢

[@tinaferr]

i'm sure we have all been at some point! you cared enough to watch this video so that's awesome! and now you can change and it can be your superpower

[@sallybrown4936]

Yes this was also an ‘aha moment’ for me too. You don’t have to understand but you do have to give a shit. Nice 😊

[@EsraaElmubark]

It's soo true !

[@jessicafigurski]

😅 I emotionally invalidated myself. Welp now I know!

[@shweshwe_k8177]

When I would be crying about something he did. He would literally just go on his phone Completely act like I wasn't in the room. Worse of it all, I still stayed

[@luanagarbinperes7247]

I found this very helpful and identify myself as the one invalidating emotions sometimes. I also identify that I was that child whose parents didn’t know how to validate emotions either therefore is just natural I leaned. I see in my experience my biggest struggle is to become defensive when the emotion of the other person has to do with me, something I did or didn’t do. Or something the other person expects of me and I tend to justify why it is not happening. How can I better deal with that? Any video suggestions?

[@terri_cole]

Defensiveness is so incredibly common, you are not alone ❤️ I do have two videos on effective communication that might help: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rqHOm3mhnbBpqsk kzbin.info/www/bejne/fZaWZa2vfs11iKs For wanting to justify why something is not happening, Deepak Chopra has one of my fave quotes: “You never have to convince anyone of anything, ever." I found this freeing. You can decide when to give additional context or not, depending on how emotionally safe and trustworthy someone is. And just in case, as you mentioned "the other person expects of me," I also have this video on people-pleasing: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rouvcmaXgrKim7c

[@luanagarbinperes7247]

@@terri_cole thank you so much! 🙏🏼

[@georgiachatzitheodoridou3806]

This was an amazing episode, Terri! I see we sometimes want to help but it works the other way round. I remember my mother-in - law when me and my husband visited her at hospital She said :"Look at me. I'm in such a bad state. I can't walk, I can't serve myself. "So my husband said:I "t could have been worse" This is invalidation, isn't it? Even though it's not on purpose. My mother-in-aw- turned to him and said." But things could have been better, there are also better things you know ". I was impressed because she always was looking for the better for herself.

[@terri_cole]

So glad it was helpful ❤️ Your husband's comment sounds like it wasn't received well if your mother-in-law pushed back. Sometimes, we need to be comfortable letting others have their emotions (as long as they're not at risk of hurting themselves or others and as long as it's not abuse) rather than try to "fix" it or get them to look on the bright side.

[@MistyBaker-lj8nb]

Hello everyone!! I'm new to this channel and I feel like I've finally found the place I need to be. My spouse and I have been having alot of issues and he "doesn't believe in this stuff" so he totally invalidates me and has been making me feel about an inch tall. Like insulting my intelligence. I would never do that to him. I just hope this is the place where I can learn skills to help both of us fix this.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion, Misty ❤️ And welcome to my channel!

[@momwonk]

Hi Misty! I am wondering if @Terri has a space for all of us who love her work to connect? Maybe her mastermind group?

[@deborahostmo]

you have a lovely calm voice easy to listen to - Terri you look beautiful in blue

[@terri_cole]

Thank youuu 💕

[@painoftheheart12]

My partner is insistent on not validating my feelings when they are caused by their actions. It's super painful, and I just want to withdraw rn because that's what's happening at the moment. (But if I withdraw to comfort myself, it's stonewalling or something and I'm not allowed to do that.) In the relationship, I am the less emotional one. I don't express my emotions easily and I tend to bottle. My partner is highly emotional and cries very easily, over everything kinda. Like any problem that hurts me deeply is immediately turned into a tear jerking plea to hear their feelings out and when asked to validate mine, they start bringing up past problems in the relationship to make me seem unreasonable. But I have the higher emotional IQ.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion 💕 I have a script you can consider using when your partner tries to bring up past problems: kzbin.info/www/bejne/fmjKnqqcprmKpq8 It helps to keep the conversation focused on one thing at a time.

[@Zekrom569]

I think a lot of people act in emotionally invalidating ways, not because they dont like the emotion the other person is experiencing but because they dont know better, for example one phrase that i see a lot thrown around is the "dont take it personally", this although might be coming from a place of "oh you dont have to feel that way, what the other person did is not a reflection of your own worth" but because it is such crude phrase it can be taken as "you're overreacting!". I think definitely all of use have acted emotionally invalidating in one way or the other, because we didnt know this concept and we have phrases that are so overused people think its normal to use them

[@terri_cole]

That makes sense, thanks for sharing 💕

[@karenosickey9135]

I can be emotionally invalidating when my great friend continues to complain about the same thing over and over. We have had discussions about how to handle it and nothing has worked. She still complains.

[@drock3133]

Came to this video to learn how to be more supportive. Im feeling lost, i dont know if its my tone but everytime i disagree with something my wife says she feels invalidated.

[@terri_cole]

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling lost. Disagreement can lead to invalidation. How often is this happening? Without knowing the context, I can't provide specific advice, but is it possible to simply witness your wife and be there for her without disagreeing? Can you reflect back to her what she's saying, rather than immediately disagreeing?

[@CS-jk9wi]

WOW WOW! I had just came across this video by key words I assume when I was searching. But anyhow.. and then you mentioned the comment you highlighted about a episode on how to thrive as a HSP. So cool!! I am a HSP and I'm stoked to watch it.. as far as this topic goes. I feel like this has happened a lot to me my whole life. And I try not to do this consciously. My boyfriend said I'm not wrong. And I said your right. Your feelings are not wrong. Your feelings are valid and I care because I love you. BUT the way you are treating me is not right. I really don't like this right or wrong thing ugh lately he's been flat out turning everything around on me and getting super angry with me over things that are pretty trivial and then my issue doesn't even get addressed. And when I bring up something that he's doing that I don't like he says oh I know I can't do anything right.. and nothing gets resolved. It's just so toxic 😢

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion, C S ❤️ I do have another video with a script for situations like this that might be helpful: kzbin.info/www/bejne/fmjKnqqcprmKpq8

[@LaurenOliviArt]

I HAD A MAJOR AH HA MOMENT THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH!❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@LaurenOliviArt]

You’re giving words to things I’ve been trying to explain and figure out for so long ❤😊

[@terri_cole]

I am so glad this resonated with you ❤️❤️

[@mollym5464]

Thanks Terri! As always, super helpful insights. I learned years ago from Brené Brown not to start a sentence with “at least” when it came to offering advice or supporting another person, and I’m grateful for the reminder. I literally just texted my best friend the other day and apologized for trying to fix things when she really just needed someone to listen to her. It’s a subtle but powerful distinction and I’m glad you shared it in this video. Most of us probably think we’re being helpful when we’re fixing, but a lot of times it just makes the other person feel unheard. I am an HSP empath, too, and it can be challenging to navigate today’s world especially. My husband has developed a good process for helping me share my issues. He tries to clarify early on if I need to just vent or if I’m looking for solution/advice. It’s a helpful way to set the stage for better communication and sets me up for validation while also keeping me in check. I look forward to more videos from you and thank you for all that you give us. So valuable!

[@EliShanti]

It depends ..sometimes I hear people complaining for things I wished 😂 like "normal" parents.. It happened to me to say it could have been worse ..

[@momione11]

Was involved in a horror scenario with my ex in 2021. It was in the back of his ex-wife which was terrible. Had to take care of a situation that was bizarre. He later came back. Was in shock from the incident. Because it really came out of nowhere. My ex comes back shortly afterwards. I can barely get any words out. But I react after. He gets angry and says. What are you reacting to and says. This is nothing stop reacting you're crazy. So he wants to pretend it's nothing .Although it was terrible. I suffer from a pain in my body that has been stuck since August 2021. Instead ended up in fawn, couldn't get a word out. But automatically started serving then I ended up in a fight. But swallowed it and got so angry .No outward acting.Was in so much pain.Also because I couldn't get my words out.But became silenced in expressing myself and started to doubt myself.But learned a lesson for life.To open my mouth and have a voice. Because this event was not just anything. They were smaller children who went really bad. So will never keep quiet again. But also see that this goes way back in time with my own father. So I have been through this before and kept quiet.Also neglected and invalidated.Attracted to such men.Worked on myself.Have a voice now.But above all.Am I no longer a doormat.Learned to know myself.Took 50 years.But won't let go of myself and my inner self. As well as that I myself get to be involved in my own life. Am no longer a remote control. Control myself.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️

[@Lucia_Light]

Terri, I love you so so much! you are like a warm and cozy blanket which is soo soothing and comforting! am soo glad I found you!! thank you for speaking up and speaking to us ...feel I am being healed just by listening to you...truly grateful for your work!!!

[@terri_cole]

Aww, thank you so much, LuciA ❤️ I appreciate you being here.

[@Ross_Embossed]

As a man who's slightly hyper-sensitive, it sounded VERY OFF in your small quick dismissive *"...If we were married at the time -- I don't remember..." Maybe that lack of critical timeline memory is another mode or "Not Caring" or "Emotional Invalidation" of your husband, as you're about to tell a story where you have little patience for HIM while He's doing YOU a FAVOR 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔

[@ulriccrowne9657]

I'm Matthew Momoh from Sierra Leone, I'm happy to be here. Thank you Terri

[@terri_cole]

Happy to have you here, Matthew!

[@doiselementos9132]

Hi Terri, thanks for your work. Excellent video. I understood that validation comes with empathy. You have just described me... high functioning codependent, I'm really always trying to control other's emotions and most of the time don't know how to deal. Apart of the automatic comments that pop up on my mind and that I should definitely avoid... any other clues?

[@terri_cole]

I have so many vids on high functioning codependency, but I recommend starting here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/ime1iHeqmqiZjck My definition of high functioning codependency is: behavior that includes disordered boundaries, where you are overly invested in the feeling states, the decisions, the outcomes, and the circumstances of the people in your life to the detriment of your internal peace and wellbeing. A high-functioning codependent is often smart, successful, reliable, and accomplished. They don’t identify with being dependent, because they are likely doing everything for everyone else. In a way, you make it look easy and like you have it all together. I hope it helps ❤️

[@doiselementos9132]

@@terri_cole so nice from you to give such a full answer. I can recognize me in any word you said. Thank you very much, I´m subscribed to your newsletter and now I´m going to go deep on vids. ♥♥

[@loribreecr8238]

New here my poly np/wife very p/a is allowed to have a partner but.... I made a couple of bad choices (DUI) I am cut off from most emotional support....I am allowed to date men but not another woman. She throws a fit if I am interested in another woman and all of my feelings are invalidated this is making me crazy or leaving me thinking I am. These videos are helping me along with my personal therapy thank you for the info

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️

[@tinaferr]

omg poly is such crap so much of the time. just an excuse for the more selfish partner to have control. i hope you realize your worth and don't put up with things that make you uncomfortable and find a truly equitable relationship

[@shweshwe_k8177]

When I would be crying about something he did. He would literally just go on his phone Completely act like I wasn't in the room. Worse of it all, I still stayed

[@terri_cole]

I am so sorry you experienced that behavior ❤️

[@KathrynMcFarlane-hu5hy]

Wow shut down huge problem. Hoping you have some outside help.

[@Moveallways]

This is great, and informative. What stands out the most, is I'm sure there's so many people that are unaware of their behavior, especially when it's in a more subtle way, i.e When someone passes away, asking how old the granparent was for example.

[@terri_cole]

Yes! It can be painful, although you're also well within your right to say you don't want to answer certain questions or talk about it. "Why would you ask?" can be a good way to get people to rethink their inappropriate questions. 💕

[@tanyakashyap6944]

🕊️🕊️🕊️

[@ellenbettenhausen7449]

This resonates with me so very painfully. I have this problem with my bike broken and I can't figure out how to get the bike back to the shop to get it fixed. My sister offered help and I accepted. But her help involved her boyfriend with his car and I told my sister that to me it didn't feel right to involve him into my issue. She literally told me that I made her feel bad when I wouldn't accept her help and that she would never offer help ever again. I feel that what she told me was that I had to let her help me so that she could have good feelings even though I said that I would feel very bad in the situation. I'm heartbroken because I don't know how to address this. Any suggestions?

[@terri_cole]

Hi Ellen- I would not let this come between you. Talk to your sister and tell her you appreciate her efforts and don’t want to lose the relationship. (If that is true for you) ❤️

[@justinmillion2621]

Wow thats me, unintentionally invalidating. 😢.

[@terri_cole]

It's many of us, as most of us were not taught how to validate 💕 But now that you know, you can make changes to how you communicate.

[@rik-keymusic160]

But I can’t do that in my family because everything i say gets used against me so i shut up. I don’t talk about my feelings because then they know where to strike…

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️

[@KathrynMcFarlane-hu5hy]

Terrible situation perhaps reaching outside pastor family friend.

[@eXtremeFX2010]

Do you have an Audio Book version of Boundary Boss?

[@terri_cole]

I do! It's available on Amazon: www.amazon.com/Boundary-Boss-Essential-Guide-Finally/dp/B09299YSVX/

[@jasminjasmin8484]

I really appreciate that you also mentioned if you are the one doing that to someone.

[@MsKingwa]

Been emotionally invalidated, done emotional invalidation, I realize there is a power element to it, the one with seemingly more power (overfunctioner) is the one that invalidates because they don't have the energy to carry the heavy emotions of the one with less power (underfunctioner). It feels irritating and annoying, like, "I'm doing all this for you and you have the temerity to bring me your self-indulgent sob stories as well?" A generally unhealthy dynamic.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing that insight ❤️

[@MsKingwa]

@@terri_cole thank you for your work ❣️❣️❣️ Been watching a whole lot of your videos recently 🙏🙏🙌🙌

[@lisatesch2447]

Thank you for this talk. This is what I am working on…becoming more self aware of how I come across and learning to move from defensiveness to empathy.

[@terri_cole]

Amazing Lisa- I'm cheering you on! ❤️

[@jocelynpowell6223]

Tremendous concept with tremendous delivery. Thank you very much. I can use this.

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome 💕

[@amalsuhail5496]

"but words will never hurt me" which isn't true

[@lovelypoetry70]

Can I ask a question?.....I honestly have problems with sticking to a subject and being very defensive with my partner when we get into heated conversations about things that has and is goin on, I also have trouble asking clarifying questions without feeling stupid or I'm being judged, how can I combat that while trying to talk with my partner?

[@terri_cole]

Of course you can ask questions! How would you feel about having these types of discussions over text, email, or even letters? If we take it to written communication, sometimes that slows things down and allows us to process, focus, and take mindful action rather than simply react in the heat of the moment. I have other videos on defensiveness, and the guides for those episodes contain questions to uncover what I call your defensive blueprint. Answering those questions will help you figure out why you feel and react this way. This one might be good to start with: kzbin.info/www/bejne/qpmzpoSujsqKrZI (the link for the guide is in the video description and pinned comment) As for feeling stupid or like you're being judged when asking clarifying questions, how does your partner typically respond when you ask? Are they belittling? Or are they neutral? Because if they're belittling or don't welcome questions, it would make sense you feel this way. If they are neutral when you ask questions, it might be that you're experiencing a transference to your partner. Meaning, something from your past may be fueling you feeling stupid for asking a question in the present. To get to the root of that, I'd ask these questions: When you ask your partner a question and feel judged or like you're stupid... 1) Who does your partner remind you of? 2) Where have you felt like this before? 3) How or why is this behavioral dynamic familiar to you? I hope this helps 💕

[@blackposion9211]

What if they dont say anything they dont try to fix it or talk about it they just act quiet and sad then just go on with the day when you get tired of trying to get something out of them

[@terri_cole]

I have a video about communicating during conflict here that may shed light on that: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rqHOm3mhnbBpqsk

[@julialednicky7542]

Going to look at your guide-sounds very helpful. Thanks also for explaining the difference between sympathy and empathy.

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome ❤️

[@BirttanyElinburg]

Brittany elinburg I need help please 😔

[@drsandhyathumsikumar4479]

Your video are very helpful because they are so full of wisdom with a quiet strenght

[@terri_cole]

Thank you ❤️

[@bethsnyder2416]

I have had emotional invalidation by family members as well as by doctors. What can you do when your adult child emotionally invalidates you and the emotional abuse you have suffered by your spouse/their father?

[@terri_cole]

You can draw boundaries. If the relationship is not emotionally safe, the person is most likely not going to validate your emotions, and if it's a grown child, you don't need them to. Make sure you're not confusing getting their approval with emotional validation. Emotional validation is someone giving you the space to feel the way you feel and respecting your experience, even if they had a different experience.

[@KathrynMcFarlane-hu5hy]

Heres a place to learn

[@VideodiariesbyDipannita]

Hi, i am new to this channel. I just experienced emotional invalidation from my boyfriend. I was missing him and was upset about it. And after i shared it he got super rude to me and said that it can't be a reason for my sadness. He can't think like me he thinks rationally he is different so he will react like this. He can't change it. I don't know what to do . Because i am feeling super helpless right now. Could you please help me?

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion and sending love and strength your way ❤️ I cannot tell you what to do, but I would think about what you want in a relationship. Explore whether you'd like someone more understanding and compassionate. If you truly believe your boyfriend isn't capable of change, what does that mean for you and the relationship? You have choices, even if they are difficult. ❤️ Depending on how much you've talked and whether this is a pattern (if he invalidates you often), you can also try expressing that you simply wanted to let him know you missed him because you thought it would be a loving thing to do (if that's true). You can try saying that when you are sad, you would just appreciate him being there for you. There might be an unspoken or unconscious expectation here -- as in, why did you saying you missed him provoke such a "super rude" response from him? I also have a video on talking true here that might help: kzbin.info/www/bejne/fXa5hKd_dq-lrJY

[@eileenmazza9054]

Hi I went to your guide page but there are so many guides I don’t know which one relates to this particular episode. Can you help me navigate?

[@terri_cole]

Hey there Eileen, here it is: terricole.com/emotional-invalidation-guide In the future, the actual guide URL is almost always in the description of the video. The audio for the video is used for my podcast and it's easier to refer people to terricole.com/guide on there ❤️

[@allisonb.8492]

Um...is anyone finding this whole "emotional validation issue" to be common among Generation X males? ASking for a friend LOL.

[@kaceyleighton2899]

I say it differently, Idk if it's any better but I typically say " wow, I see that as lucky" or " I've been there, and boy I went for gold, you at least just had this" jokingly.

[@ayanajohnson2155]

For someone like me, that's not any better. Unless you are super duper funny to the point the other person laughs as well. I have had that happen sometimes...

[@kaceyleighton2899]

@@ayanajohnson2155 thank you, sometimes I wonder if I'm being helpful or just riding that line of sending the wrong message.

[@ayanajohnson2155]

@@kaceyleighton2899 Yeah. We all have those areas where we are awkward. For me, it's when someone dies. I am at a loss of how to approach people and knowing what the right thing is to say. Everyone handles death differently and I always say something weird and awkward. Idk...

[@kaceyleighton2899]

@@ayanajohnson2155 you have a solid point. For decades I didn't know either. But through another podcast from another therapist I developed a generic response to that, it goes like this " I'm at a loss of words, I'm sorry, do you want to talk about it? Or do you need anything?

[@ayanajohnson2155]

@@kaceyleighton2899 Okay that is so much better than anything I have blurted out in the past. If it is okay with you I will write that down so that I may use that the next time an occasion arises.

[@AishaAinab-iw3os]

Why is this topic makes my knees week and my stomach tremble feels and put me on fight and flight mode. Anybody feels this way??? Speaker any comment on my text? Thanks

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion and holding space for you 💕 I wouldn't be able to say why you feel this way without any context, but you have a right to your feelings and if it doesn't feel safe to explore this topic, you can honor that.

[@puzzlesanddicesaishasstory7050]

​@terri_cole Thank you.

[@CS-jk9wi]

To answer your question.. yes I have had this.. it feels awful. Like there's no way things are going to get better if we can't even get on the same page about what we're talking about etc.. like if my feelings are not valid, not real etc etc then the issue doesn't even get close to being resolved. So it feels hopeless I guess. I've tried to communicate it. I try to say.. I would like it if you cared about the fact that I am upset. You so t have to understand. Just care because you care about me .

[@momwonk]

Great video! One of my current life goals is to be able to communicate my needs clearly, calmly and confidently and teach my kids to do the same. This has been a ton of hard work for me to even get to point where I can practice this. Recently i told someone close to me it would be helpful for me if they took a beat to connect with me when i am vulnerable before jumping right into problem solving (i.e. emotional validation needed). I felt SO good being able to recognize and then communicate what i needed.... except i was not prepared for their response. The person became very defensive and began to attack me for not accepting who they are (a problem solver) and then telling me how i cant just expect our relationship to be all about me and what i need. I immediately felt flooded so i walked away from the conversation. I spiraled through frustration, anger, and fear i did something wrong, and then landed on discouragment. What was this and how does one respond to someone who not only does not emotional validate you but accuses you of not loving them for who they are when you ask them to validate you?

[@terri_cole]

I am so sorry you experienced that! You stood up for yourself and your needs beautifully 💕 Some people just aren't used to someone setting boundaries with them, no matter how kindly you say it. They may feel ashamed and take it out on you, and it has nothing to do with you. I have a lot of videos on my channel about auto-advice giving because a lot of us are guilty of it, even if we have good intentions. It's my belief that by automatically trying to jump in and "fix" things for others, we rob them of their sovereignty. This person may be too closely identified with being a problem solver to be the person you go to when you're vulnerable. They might enjoy feeling needed in that way. If they cannot handle that you're just looking for a compassionate ear to listen, then you might need to accept that and proceed differently with that knowledge. If you want to continue trying to have this type of a relationship with them, you can ask them what makes them feel like this is one-sided, as it sounds like there might be some resentment on their part. You can also tell them there are other things you love about them and appreciate about the relationship aside from their ability to offer solutions (if that's true). Hope that helps!

[@momwonk]

@@terri_cole this is so beautifully helpful! I appreciate your insight about this person strongly basing their identity with their role as problem solver. This explains why me asking them to not problem solve for the moment, may have felt like complete rejection of what they have to offer as a person. Ouch. Your response also helps give me permission to "compartmentalize" my relationships. This person can be a top shelf go-to within the Problem Solver compartment of relationships, and this can work for me as long as I have a compartment healthily stocked with compassionate listeners too. Thank you Teri ❤️

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad it was helpful ❤️ Compartmentalizing your relationships and going to different people based on what you need sounds like a good way to navigate it!

[@rcz2023]

Thank you

[@Krankin2584]

Well said !

[@MonicaGunderson]

How do I come to peace when MIL invalidated my chronic pain and past child abuse? Since 2015, MIL has talked behind my back to in-laws as well as my husband that I was faking my C-PTSD due to child abuse, as well as my chronic pain. MIL continued her put downs toward me, as well as continued to talk behind my back; telling in-laws and my husband, I am faking a medically diagnosed autoimmune disease, Ankylosing Spondylitis, and that I am faking about taking immunosuppressants. She continued this behavior even during COVID. How do I make peace with this and move forward? My husband and our grown son are supportive of my boundaries. They have seen what I go through with this autoimmune disease. They have seen a cold out me down for a month or more before COVID. My husband I feel is being manipulated by his mom. Sometimes his blinders start falling off, and he sees his mom for her BS, then other times, he is running to her and the families aid cause they are freaking out about my boundaries..... Likely stating I am faking all this..... At one point, I showed my husband all the medical documentation, Blood-Work, MRI, etc..... after that his attitude about my autoimmune disease and chronic pain has changed drastically. I am disabled and unable to work due to this. All my family live in a different state, I moved out of state at age 18 to get away from narcissistic bipolar and abusive stepdad, as well as a super clingy and emotionally abusive boyfriend. Ugh....

[@terri_cole]

You’re doing a great job! Keep your boundaries. You don’t need her validation. YOU know what you experienced. ❤️❤️

[@amalsuhail5496]

What about"sticks and stones"

[@terri_cole]

Hi there- I'm not sure what your question is. I would agree that words have the power to hurt, even for many years after the fact. We have to be mindful of what we say.

[@Magnas22]

What if they hurt you then expect you to console you because they hurt you

[@terri_cole]

I'm not sure I understand the question. Did you mean they expect you to console them because they hurt you?

[@TipODissPrimeTheGreat]

Yep smh that's what I mean.

[@7oclockmiracles88]

I can as a High Functioning Co/Dependent I have always had an an extreme fear of death since my 2 dogs got killed (hit by a car at the same time) when I went to spend the night at a friends at 10 yrs old) Anyone in distress brings me fear of their death if I don’t solve their problem immediately! Panic sets in yet I look completely in control bc I learned to suppress them to prevent others from being more upset. Trauma begets Trauma. So I go work in my garden where it’s not so complicated and life giving. People just exhaust me unless they are kids without all the baggage to sort out they don’t really want sorted out. ❤

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️

[@jan854]

Just feeling heard like the person is a actually taking interest in your feelings, especially if during an argument helps tremendously. We don't have to always agree, but we can care. It also allows reflection where I can ask myself, "How could I have handled things differently to improve the situation?" I did communicate it to the other person, and they still decided to brush my feelings off with that good ole saying "I'm sorry you feel that way"

[@terri_cole]

Agreed, Jan! ❤️

[@user-ku5vm5jb1h]

Lol. Almost Every emotion of mine gets invalidated but I’m with someone that at the least doesn’t touch my deal breakers. At this age (late 40s) I’d be hard pressed to get picky. I’ll be alone if I don’t be happy with 90%

[@stephanieflores9797]

I have been consistently emotionally invalidated by my husband. It only happens with significant issues and the most recent and continuous one deals with his ex and my stepdaughter. He will not defend me to either of them when they slander me (because they won’t say a word to my face). I have told him that I can’t imagine how difficult it is to be on his end of everything. But I have dealt with it for years only to be lied about in a very serious way, and he 1) acts like it’s no big deal and is willing to put me and our kids through CPS interviews, and 2) continues to push boundaries around allowing her back into my home and takes advantage when I give any leniency. Sorry for the rant this is such a fresh issue.

[@terri_cole]

I am so, so sorry to hear you're experiencing this, Stephanie 💕 I am witnessing you with compassion and sending you love and strength.

[@beverlyhogan3682]

So many ways and it does go back to childhood where some of the events were absolutely cruel and yet perhaps related to their emotional problems that eventually got better. Still, even with forgiveness, the harm becomes embedded and springs out with any reminder. I am not sure if I pick emotionally invalidating people sometimes or I get annoying enough to elicit the response. Either way, I no longer wish it on me and certainly on no one else. When I do it, I hope I realize it as much as I think I do when I reflect on myself, Another - as always - insightful caring share of wisdom. Thank you.

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome, thanks for sharing your thoughts ❤️

[@ruthhorstman9155]

After watching this, I have realized that I am invalidating myself. I say these phrases to myself.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing 💕 You are not alone, either. You might find this video on changing your inner dialogue helpful: kzbin.info/www/bejne/l3eVqZWtgMman5o

[@thegabriellebeth]

Hi Terri! I hope you see this. 💜 I am in a relationship with someone I’ve been on & off with for the last 10 years. During our separation, I moved to NC and he lives in NJ. He bought a house and a couple years ago, moved in 2 of his friends to rent out 2 of the rooms. He did make an apartment out of the attic. We’re planning to close the gap, but I said to him the other day that I would like for his friends to move out in 6 months. He said “That’s ridiculous i’m not kicking them out.” I said, “I’m not asking you to kick them out, but what if in a year from now they’re still living at the house. I want a life with you, and I would like to not have housemates.” I ended up losing the disagreement and had to surrender to his way. I’ve been living with this weight on my heart ever since. He said I was egregious and ridiculous to even request they move out. Am I crazy for wanting to have a family without housemates, just my husband? I’m super torn and unsure what to do. 💔

[@thegabriellebeth]

His “solution” is we move into the apartment upstairs. but there is still a common entry that brings you right into the living room. So either way it’s not going to feel like we have the house to ourselves. I appreciate any advice you can give ❤

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ That sounds like a difficult situation. I think you have a right to your preferences and desires, and if your preference is that you have more privacy or don't share a living space with other people, then that is okay. You are not wrong or crazy for having that desire, especially if you're looking to reconnect and begin a new chapter together. ❤️ I also do not think you just need to "surrender" to his way. What you think, how you feel, and what you want has to matter, too. If you are not going to be comfortable in this house share situation, I think it is worth thinking through how this is going to work if you proceed. Is this a deal breaker for you? (If so, that's your right!) Are there any other possible compromises? (Could you both rent a place separately?) I have a video about non-negotiable deal breakers here, in case it is helpful: kzbin.info/www/bejne/nJ-bcqlqbJ15ftk

[@brightpage1020]

Is there a difference between boundaries and ultimatums?

[@terri_cole]

I have a video about that here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/hIGVeqCNqa5oh8k

[@eileenmazza9054]

Wow this really resonated with me and came at a perfect time.

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@shadowbaby4238]

Thank you for helping me

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for being here ❤️

[@Lioness_of_Gaia]

Thanks a Million!

[@TheHorseshowmom31]

Great episode!

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@tainarimorales1361]

Great teaching 👏 🎉 Aside from the cursing though. Other than that so grateful for this knowledge 🙏

[@rayel4366]

Really difficult if the relationship with a nacarrist. Listen.. but they go on and on.. and u just can't validity them.. not good enough 😕 like they need to slay you.. until no resistance.

[@pollytheparrot8929]

I got molested.. So when I told my mom, she says, ohh it's just that! He didn't do nythn more than that! 😞😡😤

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending strength your way ❤️

[@lisa-4145]

I got molested and my mothers response was well i got molested too and im ok

[@brat7776]

I was instructed to keep the man who molested me as a child a secret from the man's daughter so it wouldn't ruin her image of her dad. 🙄 it didn't matter about my feelings & the years of suffering I endured.

[@beverlyhogan3682]

OMG...thats the dynamic and why the anger is divided and confused. I am sorry. I never remembered physically sexual abuse but emotional incest was present and so maybe I have a small idea of how horribly abusive and hurtful that was/still is. I hope you find healing.

[@beckoscar]

He’d always say. Everything is fine and then it’s not. When I’d always try to bring up the fact we don’t talk about the things that upset each other. Or id ask where the relationship is going after 2 years. That I feel lonely and unloved. I’d be met with. Everything is fine the suddenly it’s not. 🫣🥴 everything was definitely not fine alllll the time

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry to hear that ❤️ Your feelings deserved to be heard and witnessed.