How to Set Boundaries with Impossible People including Narcissists - Terri Cole

[@rominalamberti9117]

Terri, one thing that is very important is that people who have problems setting boundaries have a fear of not being loved or approved of by the other person or people involved. The person setting the boundaries should first address their fear of not being loved and find that love within themselves. They have to get to the point where they don't care if the other person rejects them or doesn't love them. Then the fear dissolves and they naturally know what to say when someone is crossing the line.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing! I hear you.

[@sarafox5792]

exactly that, you can almost always guess that any boundary is going to 'come back at you' so setting them naturally and with ease, and not fear is the goal...

[@sara-janeegan4665]

This is very true, thank you for pointing that out. Many people who are codependent attach their worth from outside of themselves, which can be people, a process, such as excessive shopping, gambling, etc or a substance. So setting boundaries with others, and not feeling abandoned or rejected when others put up boundaries towards you; one must learn to reconnect with their inner core authentic sense. We are all born with innate resources to be whole and content without any external source. The heart of codependency is a lost self, and so one must begin the journey to connect with our authentic selves. This also involves beginning to look at the underlying issues surrounding the core wounding of shame and trauma from childhood. So I agree Romina for many adults from abusive and dysfunctional upbringings, setting boundaries and respecting other people’s boundaries is extremely difficult if this internal work and healing is not done.

[@carolsampson5511]

You do not know how some people have been treated allthere lives from birth you have no idea all you peoplr put out there are couples men and women get real parents and family should be there from birth thata why you counselors are full of crap you know nothing in my book

[@rayluby6659]

Not everyone... some people have experienced trauma that makes them feel unsafe setting boundaries and that’s literally it for SO MANY of us

[@CherylMuir]

To the person reading this, repeat after me: Boundaries teach people how to love and care for me. It deepens intimacy and love. It's safe to set boundaries.

[@terri_cole]

Yes! Love this, Cheryl ❤️

[@OneWhoKnowz]

Absolutely

[@michelleclute7909]

How many times do i have to repeat this for it to work lol😂

[@retrolofiradio66]

Sorry, but it's not always safe. When it isn't, it's time to end the relationship

[@Nyc99]

I have new person in my life and he have good boundaries, he is clear and doesnt walk away from me when i get upset, i never had good friend i can learn from, he make me so happy

[@mattiethesurfer]

I am a huge fan of boundaries. My buddies call me, “boundary Matt”. As an ex-codependent I still, at times, can think I am being too selfish or stringent, but in the end I need boundaries. Also, setting boundaries weeds through toxic people very quickly.

[@terri_cole]

Yes Matt! Cheering you on.

[@debbiewilder4738]

Can you give me a list of actual boundaries you have just in general.

[@mattiethesurfer]

@@debbiewilder4738 Hi Debbie! First, before I could set boundaries I first had to become aware of my feelings. My feelings are a guide to what needs I have that are or are not being met. So, once you know you’re feelings and corresponding needs - you’ll be able to set your own boundaries. With that said, one boundary for me is someone raising their voice at me. I feel irritated, scared, and angry when someone raises their voice at me. This is because I need respect, and raising of a voice towards me is not respect. So, I will share this boundary with someone affirming they are totally ok to feel whatever they feel, but raising their voice is not acceptable and if they do I will leave. Where ever we are at, whatever we are doing, I will leave for at least one hour. When I was in the dating scene my boundaries were no kissing for at least three dates and no sex for at least a year, preferably longer. First, my body is precious and in my world, sex is something for a committed relationship and sex can create emotional bonds/connections and if I don’t truly know the person - that’s a huge mistake. By waiting at least a year, I give myself the ability to really see who this person is.

[@OfftoShambala]

My boyfriend has so many boundaries … had to break up with him. It gets to the point where it really is just completely selfish.

[@musings6307]

well said, it is the ones ignoring the boundary is the problem

[@autumn_in_myheart]

"boundaries are where I still love you while loving myself"

[@imusiccollection]

Isn't it great how these stubborn people help us learn to care for ourselves, by simply caring about themselves. Think of what an example we can become to others, if we acted even just a little bit like them!

[@chickadeeacres3864]

They say these people were sent to help us help and grow. Ummm thanks?😉

[@priya_jha]

When you respect yourself and your mental sanity you start to set personal boundaries. I’ve felt it... and it only makes you healthier. And it’s ok to loose some people or relationship in the process. Because in the end you got your own back.

[@terri_cole]

Right on!!!! Well said!

[@surgicaltoolboxrnhealthbea3292]

My boundaries are do not give me subtle insults ! Red flag for narcissism.

[@mariarisingabove8829]

I am a highly sensitive person and I have attracted a lot of narcissistic people in my life. It is like they know they can take advantage of me so now i am very careful setting boundaries since the begining. What I hate the most is that they treat me bad but I can see they are very nice with other people Love your video💗👌

[@terri_cole]

Thanks for sharing here, Maria. Please keep working on yourself mama because you deserve someone who treats YOU with kindness and respect.

[@jessicalangdon4035]

Maria Rising above oh yes,they are beloved in the community.

[@nancystark6693]

Yep?!

[@sunshine-sm6nf]

yes we do!

[@louisepingos7823]

I’ve had the same experience as you. What they are doing is called triangulation. They seem nice to others but it never lasts. They turn on everyone eventually.

[@qua7771]

Narcissist don't understand plain language when setting boundaries. It's like they had a stroke when you are speaking to them. It's easier to cut them off completely.

[@terri_cole]

Thanks for your input, Robert. This is true about some narcs and for some people they try to limit contact before going no contact. Dealing with norcs in either scenario is challenging.

[@qua7771]

The best thing is to get out. I don't think you can fix a true sociopath.

[@atypicalbeautyguru4129]

Yep. They tell you that you’re the stupidest, most forgetful, confused, crazy person in every conversation until you plainly try to set a firm boundary in place and all of a sudden they don’t comprehend a thing you are saying.

[@vtivitystyle]

This is so true I've tried to demonstrate the problem physically, verbally and any other way that I could think of and within hours of me pleading, requesting, demanding that this behavior stop, he's back to doing the thing that I said I don't like, as if I never said anything at all. Something is truly wrong with these people.

[@claredodd1258]

@@qua7771 Yep, the sanest thing I've done (going no contact).

[@user-fs6ou3fk9p]

It's very, very tough. I've had major push back, to the point that I've gone no contact with a few of my in-laws. It's angered my husband, but this is nothing new, also my deceased mothers husband. At 65, something had to change. I've worked very hard with therapy and lots of work outside that. My peace has been hard won, and I finally feel able to do the healthy thing for me. I grew up with big T and have experienced a very bossy, stubborn husband for 46 years. They aren't happy even though I've been calm and kind about my boundries. I'm happier and healthier than I've been since I was five years old.

[@rondae7121]

If you set healthy "I have a life too" boundaries and you enforce them...you weed out your true family, friends. Then you grow the ones that remain.

[@intentionalliving7326]

☀️Amen sistah

[@sukioo0oo144]

Exactly. First boundary is an internal one : Take care of yourself first. Then you can spend the rest of your energy, time, money, emotional availability on others.

[@thejaxblog]

So true. My closest friends are not family.

[@eunicemuturi5723]

By setting boundaries,you really give them a taste of their own medicine. Very sweet and non aggressive revenge. This video is a gift.

[@terri_cole]

I am glad you liked it, Eunice! Although I see it more as not letting people trample on you and less like revenge ;)

[@jasonreed1352]

Interesting comment, Eunice. I wonder, Terri, what your thoughts are about the possibility your method of boundary setting may use the same sequence of mental processes and delivery techniques for the communication of that boundary as someone described as a narcissist may use? Is the tone used during delivery of that message always indicative of a negative emotion-state that the deliverer attributes to the intention of the narcissistic receiver to cause that negative emotion? Or could the emotion during delivery also indicate the emotional state of the deliverer of the message regarding anxiety over anticipated miscommunication issues based on past experience?

[@TheShamuraja]

Jason Reed - I understand your message the following way: you are being gaslighted to believe you are bad/evil/with bad intentions just because you speak like an adult and say what is obvious to you. I hope you get some allies with whom you can validate, that you are not crazy by voicing your opinion and by actually trying to communicate, just like mature people do. These are just crazy making tactics, if I got you right. So take care of yourself. Bye bye

[@susangeorge9244]

@@jasonreed1352 whaaaa ? I do think I understand what you are trying to say. You need to finish your thoughts cuz you seem to have great insight !

[@intentionalliving7326]

Yes, and best to stay on our lane... they will react the way they need to for themselves. Life is too short to waste it on them

[@ggwoman]

I handled drawing boundaries with kindness and compassion. They just blocked me 💯 out of their lives. Dr. Fox says to allow people to self select out of your life. Left with a feeling of sadness,but relief overrides all. I am free of the stupid box they tried to imprision me in. Life feels brand new and good. Love feeling Free.

[@terri_cole]

Yes. Sometimes they do self select out of your life, but they are not the people you want in your life anyway. Witnessing your feelings with compassion and sending you strength.

[@ggwoman]

@@terri_cole Thank you Terri! You have no idea how much that means to me. It's still early on this new path of loviing and respecting Me. Freedom feels good, but also feels strange and frightening at times. You're right, it is not for the faint of heart. Lol. But, it has really helped to find you, and get some straight up insight and encouragement.

[@tammylines2779]

Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM )

[@52MAREVA]

Aloha Terri! I watched you on Lisa Bilyeu and was absolutely blown away! I was in tears listening to everything you said was exactly how I have been feeling for so many years and never knowing how to express myself until I heard you talk about codependency and narcissism which runs in my family! I’m so grateful for your show and watch every episode because I am learning so much so quickly and I absolutely love it because I am finally learning how to set boundaries and recognize why I act in certain ways! Keep sharing your wisdom with us because we love it!❤❤❤❤🌴🌴🌴🌴🌺🌺🌺

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving this comment. It warms my heart ❤️❤️❤️

[@askew9976]

This makes so much sense. 😮 I’m a perpetual people pleaser, an empath and a child abuse survivor. I’m attempting to learn healthy boundaries for everyday use. I’ve lost myself.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️

[@jasmineetienne3361]

Trust yourself it's a process you'll make it

[@laranipic3606]

I realised I was having trouble setting boundaries because I felt being angry was wrong. As a child I felt like I was forbidden to express anger. I think it's because of "good girl" conditioning and I still have trouble with that. Thank you for this rich, by far one of the best videos here on KZbin. You give such a great advice. Sending you lots of love.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad you found this helpful ❤️

[@karenmininni4962]

I love the broken record technique. I just repeat myself over and over. It works every time.

[@sarafox5792]

yep doing that, dont get into crazy making stuff...

[@Vixinaful]

I have had a guy in my life I suspect was autistic and/or a narcissist. I would set boundaries time after time, and reminding him but he had no respect at all. He would stand outside my door in the middle of the night, dead drunk, time after time after time. No respect at all. Finally it struck me why he was in my life: It was to teach me to enforce my boundaries so I just texted him "Next time you come by dead drunk in the middle of the night, I will call the police and my friend who will escort you away. I have told you the rules and you haven't respected them but crossed my boundaries over and over so you now lose me and I understand why your friends are gone aswell" I then blocked and deleted him and dont bother reading the reply bc it doesnt matter, if he knocks my door again I will call the police. This has been a LIFE lesson for me but finally the lesson is learned. i pray I don't forget it bc its easy to have an insight and then its gone and the problem comes back. I feel FREE!

[@terri_cole]

Woohooooooo! Way to go!!!

[@charwest9449]

I like your voice, very pleasant and easy to listen to.

[@jacquelinemanzano9328]

Teach others how to respect you by setting boundaries and acting on them. For every action there's a consequence.

[@cebe2624]

Yes. 👍

[@ashkirk]

I grew up the same way was never allowed to talk about my feelings that was “bad” and got punished. Narcissistic mother codependent father every relationship I had was w narcs finally learned how to start drawing boundaries. My mom still thinks my existence revolves around her schedule it drives me insane!!! Thank you so much for this amazing video ❤️❤️❤️

[@terri_cole]

I'm holding space for you with so much compassion, Ashley ❤️ Thank you for sharing and for being here!

[@Nyc99]

Is it fear of the world and what they saw in their lifetime that they tried to slow us down, like protect us and was harsh? I just wanna be able to forgive and dont let drive me nuts again....or stop it like grown ppl do! Without crying

[@stellasole3720]

Yep. Taking YOU into consideration for YOU. It's definately not for the weak of heart. But worth it. The sense of safety & stability & peace you get from people no longer being there who are all about themselves is worth it. No more abusers. No more people who enable. No more people who expect you to sacrifice yourself, regardless of what's happening in your life. & they don't have to accept our boundaries, but we don't have to accept their selfish nonsense 💜 ❤

[@bibitarantino535]

I grew up in a violent home my mother would physically, mentally and emotionally hurt me. I am now an adult, I recently cut ties wih my sister who is also a bully. Last time I saw her she physically pushed me and verbally abused me. My mother's response was I must have triggered her. It's very upsetting to feel your family of origin would want to hurt you so much.

[@terri_cole]

Bibi, I am sorry to hear it. I think a more empowering frame would be to look at your family of origin as dysfunctional and unwell. I am happy to hear that you have chosen to go, NO CONTACT. You can learn to set healthy boundaries-just don't give up. Stay tuned as I will be doing many different vids on this topic. Right on for choosing YOU!

[@rain3743]

Terri Cole Real Love Revolution "...frame of...dysfunctional and unwell" so simple, clear and powerfully sufficient. That REALLY helps me stay outt of abuse victim mindset. (Yes, it was abuse and I was victimized,, but I don't have to LIVE there.) Good stuff!

[@meowyinmysstiqk]

Good for you... Unfortunately you have to create your own family. You are obviously smart to create space...you deserve it. Stay strong.

[@trishbedford1215]

Nb

[@bibitarantino535]

Toni Churchill thank you Toni.

[@jenniferfinck3673]

Terri - I cannot begin to tell you how much you’re helping me. I listen to quite a few podcasts/videos on KZbin regarding mostly narcissistic personalities (my mother has NPD…dad is on the spectrum and at the age of 52, I’m back living with them after 25 years of living with my boyfriend who was 20 years older than me & passed away suddenly and unexpectedly four years ago). I’m having a bit of a difficult time just handling life. The unfortunate thing is that my boyfriend was a narcissist too ( he was never diagnosed with NPD, and it took me about 20 years to figure out what on earth was going on). So now, for financial reasons, I’m back living in the hell I originally came out of. (I know it sounds like I’m having a ‘pity party’, and I don’t mean to) I’m worried because my health is not good and I think this has a lot to do with the stress of living with the parents I had essentially gone no contact with for many, many years. I won’t go on. I just wanted to pop in and say hello, since I’m new to your channel and to thank you for all of the great work you do and all of the support I genuinely feel from you. I just bought your book “Boundary Boss” and can’t wait to get started (it hasn’t been delivered yet). I need some type of a life. Again, thanks for all you do. - Jennifer

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love, Jennifer ❤️ That is a difficult situation to be in, and I hope you are able to escape soon.

[@jenniferfinck3673]

@@terri_cole Many thanks Terri. I am actually currently researching that aspect of my life at the moment. I am trying to find ways to stay strong while I do so, and I’m finding your videos, as well as the podcasts you have been on, to be tremendously inspirational and informative. Thank you for your support. - Jennifer

[@marilyntucker1099]

Setting boundaries is such an important life skill. Great information.

[@terri_cole]

Right on!!!

[@orchidsrising7910]

I love that, “Trust me, if you are 20 minutes late, you must be really special in other areas.”... I am wonderful in so many areas, but time is a particular challenge for me. I am working on it, though 💗

[@JoRobertsGaming1984]

The person raising their voice isn't necessarily the person who is in the wrong. Trying setting boundaries with someone who repeatedly cuts you off in conversation and talks straight over the top of you then see how calm you are.

[@OfftoShambala]

Yep.

[@dreamendoza]

I just recently discovered my best friend is a full-blown narcissist. Early on in our friendship I noticed some kind of entitlement, but shrugged it off. Recently this time I got offended by her behavior saying nasty remarks about me in front of many people despite not doing anything or making her angry. I tried to tell her calmly that I was hurt by her actions. She never sincerely apologized and told me that I was being too sensitive and that I needed to “chill”. Her response was the deal-breaker of our friendship, and I concluded that she will never understand because to her words/talk is cheap.

[@terri_cole]

I'm witnessing you with compassion Andrea. Good for you for standing up for yourself and communicating how you feel.

[@elisabethbroekhuysen6266]

I’m about at this point with a long time friend myself, I can relate!

[@marydietterich5968]

Finally was and am able to set boundaries! Stepping away from all, and I have never felt so free. They chose not to find a solution, and helped me complete my decision.One is a deflector, one is a phony deflector, underlying jealousy. Others did not care about my boundary, and basically do not care about how I feel. Free. Best thing i have ever done.

[@terri_cole]

So glad you're feeling free after setting boundaries and stepping away, Mary! Right on.

[@ctownson7087]

I appreciate your non aggressive ways on this topic ~ You kindness,understanding and simplicity with your approach is refreshing and makes it feel doable. Thanks Teri !

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome and I am so glad it resonates!

[@jaylenpatterson8062]

I have an extremely narcissistic controlling mother who is engulfing and suffocating so I’m now learning that I need to move out and go no contact for a while. I no longer engage with my mother unless absolutely necessary. I really needed this video because my mother bulldozes over my boundaries and I’ve always been fearful to really stand firm in my boundaries because her narcissistic rage will come out and she becomes violent. I’ll be moving out this week thank God.

[@terri_cole]

So glad you're moving out and taking the steps needed to put yourself first ❤️

[@jaylenpatterson8062]

@@terri_cole Thank you so much for your videos they truly do help!

[@feliciabattelli600]

This happened to me yesterday snd I simply said I’m not going to continue this conversation and walked outside Next time I’ll say it nicely and calmly Thank you Terri Cole

[@jen-lnicole2043]

I am so glad i came across you!!! I will share this w my girlfriend. amI need this help!! Grew up with a Narcissistic Father, who drank ALLOT and was physically abusive to my mother n emotionally to her, n me. At 31yrs I am back living/ staying alone with him in a confined apt space due to the divorce of my parents and no one else at the time to take care of his servere broken ankle and he heavy drinks still .. One moment he is SOOOOOO LOVING AND HELPFUL, kind, giving etc. . other times he has no respect for my space, idk what mood he'll been in day to day, and i feel scared to set boundaries bc he'll hit the "emotional button", scream, yell, place blame for things i did as all way back as a YOUNG TEEN, or things just 2 weeks ago, (that in HIS head he saw as an "issue") and I have developed depression, and anexity. My soon to be fiancee an i just got a new home, our 1st 😊 HE'S WONDERFUL, but we're still in the "painting phase" so will take sometime to settle fully in, I'll go there whenever I want, or need, but this is my FATHER and he helped put me through college, raised me, helped and i feel i owe things to him, he hangs that n other things he's done over my head at times when he wants me to do something, last we had a relationship i was 16-20? ( it really wasn't a good one, he was over obsessed with my mom, I didn't receive the love i searched for With him then, and during the divorce, n he still 17 or so yrs later he can't rid himself of needing my mom back in his life and doesn't see where he went wrong ) i love my mother, and him, iam his ONLY child and there's no other family members to help him, or be there like this for him, and i love him. please continue this. This was hard for me to share publicly and I deal with others like this in social settings etc, but I wanted you to see , this is VERY needed for people, me Anyways..Bless you for helping teach to be strong, iam a very empathic person and very sensitive. thk u for listening. ❤

[@terri_cole]

Beautiful Blossom- Thank you so much for sharing your story here. This is a safe place and so many of us have similar stories -it really helps to know you are NOT alone and that there are professionals out there who get you and can help you learn new skills. I understand what you are saying about your father and you being an only child and all but living with an active alcoholic is very unhealthy for you. You father has made his choices in his life and I am not saying cut off contact but i DO believe that you can make decisions to not stay with him and still help him but the moment he becomes abusive or scares you, please draw a physical boundary by removing yourself from the situation. You honestly don't owe him anything but if you feel like you want to help him in some way -PLEASE don't do it at the expense of your mental health, mama. I am so happy you are here with me and learning how to take care better care of yourself because you deserve it!

[@garcefranklin2610]

Big Big Thank you. As a 65 year old female, in a 17 year marraige and losing my identity to these behaviors of narcissistic personality, I have finally set boundaries. it's day one and I feel like a burden is lifted already. This feels so amazing!!

[@terri_cole]

I am SO happy to hear that ❤️ Way to go!!

[@morpheusgrace1071]

Yeah. I had a "best friend" from childhood for the last 20 years. Once I set a boundary by "daring" to gently ask him to give me some space..... I saw him for what he is for the first time in those 20 years. Blaming, accusing, gaslighting, insulting, using everything I told him against me and swearing, he did everything in his power to humiliate me, demonize me and hurt me.! I was shocked. Only now I'm starting to realize how much abuse I accepted and how I let people treat me for so long. I'm honestly disgusted by myself. How could I be blind for so long? I completely lost faith in humanity. I still don't understand why I'm panicking and become so anxious when setting a boundary. My heart is racing and I'm shaking like something gonna happened. While, I logically realize I'm not in danger! Some people really shouldn't be allowed to have children. I don't need to deal with this shit because of them. You can't undone the damage they caused for so long.

[@Goteiii]

My problem is this: I tend to be easy going, not setting boundaries right away and when I start having a problem with another person they've already crossed my boundaries so many times they feel like it's normal. So I have to work extra hard to set said boundary when it really starts to bother me. I'm trying to be more disagreable right of the bat for no reason, just in case I need to set a boundary on a certain behaviour later on. Kinda like playing hard to get or postponing commitment. Saying things like "let me think about it and I'll tell you later."

[@friendlyperson8338]

The problem is that it seems you are AWARE that they are crossing your boundaries, but not courageous enough to stop it in the beginning. I think you should develop the courage to stop it in the first place, as opposed to waiting until it is so obvious and so bad that you can't take it anymore. You are waiting until they can safely be considered "the bad guy/gal" before speaking up. Practice speaking up WHEN it happens and you will eventually have the courage to speak up all the time. Setting boundaries does not make you "disagreeable", except to the person who doesn't like that you've set boundaries! Good luck!

[@amazingyear9042]

good post👊🏻

[@Nyc99]

Same identical thing with me, like i think im lacking social skills, sometimes i feel like do i even speak same language or they pretend like they foreign

[@maggiecarter3589]

Great video! I'm so over narcissists and their sense of entitlement. Al Anon may also help teach you to establish boundaries. I've been to a couple meetings in the past week and I'm finding it helpful.

[@terri_cole]

Yes to Al Anon, Maggie! Good for you and thank you for being here with me ;)

[@susannec659]

Maggie Carter Yes alanon is grear. Do you think that it's breaching the Traditions if a person went to alanon because of narcissistic abuse even if their partner/tormentor doesn't drink? mine does drink, but I'm just wondering about others I heard in the traditions that someone has to be affected by alcohol but really narcissistic abuse is the same dynamic and the same relief is applicable that alanon can provide

[@NellyMentor]

Just found out there's Co-Dependents Anonymous (CODA) as well, coda.org. Check out their Meetings tab to see if they have groups in your area.

[@DazedDebbieShow]

Thanks, so helpful! My sibling would use a diversion tactic on me all the time! I realized how dirty she played, when she didn't get her way.

[@terri_cole]

I am so glad you found the vid helpful! Once you become aware of some of these tactics, you can avoid falling victim to them. I am so grateful you are here with me ;)

[@DJPeachyful]

SELF Love is key..💓 That's when We come into our full power 💪

[@wildcrocus]

I remember the first time I heard the term "boundary work" I instantly recognized that it was what my mother needed. No boundaries at all. But naturally, I had a giant blindspot. I didn't infer from that that I myself needed to work hard on boundaries because I never had them modeled for me. I've come a long way since but it is still hard, especially dealing with my narcissist coparent. I make them physical whenever possible because going close as I can to no contact and keeping communication as minimal and direct as possible is the best I can do.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion and sending strength your way ❤️

[@Gabeloveyou]

You rescue me from a malignant Narc. Love you ❤️❤️❤️❤️.

[@AlvaPalin]

I'm all in for the boundary boot camp also. I have never learned to take control of my needs or had boundaries. Four of us were raised by my dad. My mother left when we were 6,4,2, and 6 months old. My sister and I were the youngest two. My mom would see my older brothers once a year or so but not us girls. When she did see us girls she was mean and cruel. My dad was very loving and caring but he and his 8 brothers and sisters were yes and no people. No one talked about feelings or met your needs mentally. Grammy was always saying go on now, which meant go play. At 60 years old I found out I was a narcissist, psychopath and sociopath magnet all my life. So I started researching what that meant and seen my life flash before my eyes. That explained why I was so tired of being used, abused and treated ruthlessly by people that held me so dear. That explained why I didn't know who I was. I' m trying to recover now at this age? Whew......but at least I made it through! First order of business was reflecting, identifying and discarding. I do keep finding new ones though. Predators are everywhere! I need to step up into my power and have boundaries so I wont be targeted. But its hard to see where to put a boundary or if you crossed one you made. My son points out where I crossed a boundary which helps but he's not here all the time. It seems like a lobotomy would be easier. By the way I 've been informed by a therapist that I'm passive aggressive. The good news just keeps coming....lol By the time I'm 90 I might be mentally healthy but have no audience.........lol Was that a passive aggressive statement? Its hard for me to know. This is all horrifically funny. My whole life has been satisfying predators at my expense......lol What a legacy .....lol On the other hand, I feel I am a survivor and am strong enough to overcame all this. I so appreciate people like you Terri for giving people like me help and hope. Thank you so much. You might never know how much you help but you have my gratitude always. I appreciate help sorting me out.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing your experience , and for being here! It takes time to heal and grow new habits. It's ok to gently bring your attention to your habits and patterns and ask yourself "is this really how I want to show up in the world?" Sending you compassion and strength.

[@cherrierichardson1032]

I have tried with my now 90 yr.old. Narcissistic personality disorder mother . I ask, all you have to do is be nice. She tries until she can’t. It’s always a fight first. I’ve tried so many ways and still. I am obligated being the only daughter left. Thanks for your time and effort and tips.

[@kileyw8520]

I’ve recently had a few situations in my life that certain people that want my time and attention, but it gets so draining so I avoid or ignore them, which in turn makes them angry with me. I’ve had a coworker and my mother in my face screaming at me because I won’t give them what they want. So I realize in myself I must always have boundaries and then not allow the anger from others to sway me. I hope everyone knows it’s okay to protect yourself! ❤️

[@terri_cole]

Right on mama!!!! It is ok to determine what is and is not ok with you and to express those boundaries with others.

[@sandrapisarski6597]

oh, I am soooooo happy I have found your videos. I am in need of learning what a boundary is and how to have some. I read the book "Boundaires: After a Pathological Relationship"...this book actually helped me know what a boundary is...and I realized I have very few working boundaries!!! I grew up in an Alchoholic father with a enabling mother who was strict and not strict...so moving boundaries...I married a narcissistic/borderline man for 16 years, left him for another man and gave myself completely away again and now I need to set boundaries and/or leave him...not sure which quiet yet...however, I have a lot of "unlearning" to do and learning to have solid boundaries and deciding what I want to do with the rest of my life...I am 59 years old and do not want to be weak any more in my relationships! Help in anyway that you can!

[@terri_cole]

I am so happy you are here, Sandra!! It is never too late to learn how to draw effective ad appropriate boundaries that honor YOU!! See you in the FB group, mama!

[@euniceemmanuel6363]

I love you so much madam .. Your videos are helpful ... In so many years I have been this problem of setting boundaries.. I have always been a person who pleases others and get hurt easily.. But through this video I have finally realise how meaningful is to stand for myself and set boundaries.. This video made my soul free .. I am just a eighteen years old girl .. I know it might seem a bit sucking but thanks a lot...

[@MissPinkStiletto]

this is the first video i’ve seen of yours. so powerful, powerful in the discovery of what’s going on and powerful in the tools you give on how to fix this and no longer live in this trapped miserable reality ty 👍🏻 new subscriber here ✨

[@terri_cole]

Yes!!!! Welcome and thank you for being here!

[@leilaserra396]

I just want to say thank you for this I watched this video every morning for a week. I took the effort to get my codependency under control. So my fiancee would go into his temper tantrum when I'd say anything that he would take straight to his ego, the minute this started he disengaged with me. He was a rescuing narc type. Very fragile man, so fragile that I called off the engagement my boundaries became so strong so quick. I left one day and never went back only to pick up my belongings. Since then today marks a month since I've watched your video. He has done a complete 360 and is seeking therapy for his issues. Never will I ever not take myself into again. I no longer go by the tune of anyone's song. How compelling that this one video had on my life. Thank you 💘

[@terri_cole]

I am so glad to hear how it resonated with you! I am witnessing you with compassion and I am sending you strength.

[@Mushroom321-]

Exactly!!,. Perfectly explained at 4:00 min. !! "Not being able to express anger = passive agressive.. True!! My words" generates " passive aggressiveness

[@terri_cole]

Right on, thank you for sharing!

[@regiz5358]

Love your style!!! Feel so comfortable brings so much trust and security to listen to you 😊

[@rachelking8403]

Thank you so much! It is very hard for me to draw boundaries! I always thought for me to draw boundaries, I needed to sit down and tell the Narc “Now here are my boundaries and if u break this one this will happen, and this will happen if you do that again!” Which is absolutely impossible to get that person to listen to you yet alone care what you have to say. Then I thought well if I tell him all of my limitations, he will use them against me and do them more!!! This helps a lot.

[@victoriastallard]

Thank you Terri for sharing your video with all of us :) I just started setting boundaries a little bit which is very hard for the co-dependet In me & I really wish it wasn't because then I wouldn't have to tell myself I have to start over again with my boundary setting & I hope I can & will do a better job with it when I start over again. I have found that when I set my boundary I do feel better when it sticks & I am noticing that people little by little people do respect my boundary when I stick to it :) I am also finding out that it feels good to tell people No especially when they respect it.

[@Veronicawardwell]

Love this…so helpful. I have always had issues setting firm consistent boundaries. I appreciate your help.

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome 💕

[@rhondalee4405]

Terri, I LOVE your insights, your understanding, your advice! I just bought your book on Boundaries. Thank you for helping us who are not narcissists deal with those who are narcissists or just crossing boundaries all the time and making life so difficult because they are so lacking in consideration & understanding.

[@terri_cole]

Awww, thank you for being here, Rhonda. I hope you enjoy Boundary Boss! ❤️

[@christinesalter5845]

I really enjoyed your video. You speak with clarity and confidence and self compassion. Subscribed.

[@terri_cole]

Welcome! ❤️❤️❤️

[@theforeigner6988]

Dictating how the mood is... I like that. Thank you :-)

[@sunflower88639]

You have such a soothing voice. I like to listen to your podcast. Thank you for it.

[@annest6910]

WOW Terri, you are excellent! I very much appreciate the way you talk and how direct your directions are. THANK YOU!

[@MissFrogify]

Yesterday I told a colleague that I would prefer not to hold a business meeting on Sunday. I was anxious even afterward, worrying he would be pissed and say something hurtful to me. And yes he was pissed. On a brighter side, I did not betray myself by just playing along. Also, the fact that he was pissed has proven to me that he was narcissistic and there is no value in his hurtful words. Thank you so much for the confirmation and encouragement to draw boundaries.

[@terri_cole]

Way to go! 👏👏👏 Although I am sorry to hear he was pissed, but you had every right to set that boundary!

[@mitiaoliver9738]

Ready! 💪🏾

[@terri_cole]

Wooohooooo!

[@sharonpraeger2184]

Hi, my mane is Sharon, and I found your channel by chance. I want to tell you that I ve always had a lot of issues with setting boundaries. My family was very passive-aggressive in this sense. I am starting a healing process with my husband, I'm starting to set healthy boundaries with him and his very difficult personality, and I've found your advice so useful and calming for me. Thank you

[@terri_cole]

Welcome, Sharon! So glad you found your way here. Glad my videos are helping ❤️ I am cheering you on your boundary-setting journey!

[@symphony357]

Yes, I do have a person like that. thanks for the talk!

[@spicyredhead7230]

Thank you so much for this video. I did not grow up with boundaries. I never knew what one was. I let other dictate to me what I should do or think. I didn't learn boundaries until a few years ago when I finally found a good therapist. And sometimes I forget what I learned. This video will be in my saved so I can watch it again when I am weak and have trouble remembering what is do vital to my sense of self.

[@terri_cole]

Good for you, Princess! I am so happy you are here with me ;)

[@berniehoey2875]

0

[@Didarina4]

Thank you sooo much for this video! I’ve always struggled with boundaries in all areas in my life. I hope there’s an upcoming boot camp I can attend! Thanks again 🙏🏼🙏🏼

[@jak9934]

Thank you for this video. I am so grateful to be given the script as I feel it is the language that I lack when I’m needing to have boundaries. Going to have to literally learn the script until it hopefully becomes natural!

[@lionloxs]

Where have you been my whole life? Incredibly helpful; life changing and practical! Thank you!

[@terri_cole]

So glad to hear it!!

[@lionloxs]

Yes. Happy I found your channel. ✨

[@sunshine-sm6nf]

you are helping me sooo much! It takes a lot of courage to do boundaries, these people are use to having their own way and sometimes it is not pretty, trying to stay firm though but it Is hard but well worth it.

[@cjennings6179]

Consistency Thoughts & ACTIONS. DICTATE ONE'S BOUNDARIES. THANK U! Your voice is pleasant 👍😄

[@MsFranF]

Where is the "you are amazing" button? I wasn't allowed to have an opinion or an personal identity. As you know that frequently happens when you are invisible. lol If I said or did anything that was contrary to what they said they would call me all kinds of vile names, beat me up until I couldn't think straight, and then blame me for what just happened. If I asked general questions and/or refuse to allow them to "borrow" my things it was the same result. I am no contact and truly HAPPY for the first time in my life!

[@terri_cole]

Right on!! Thank you for sharing your story here with us. It will give hope to others who feel trapped in a similar situation. I am so happy to hear that you chose YOU!! You deserve to be happy, healthy and RESPECTED ;)

[@MsFranF]

Thank you, Terri!

[@andreeadamask6585]

Congrats!!

[@lisalph8922]

This is my family too. Hyper critical and no matter what I do it's judged and condemned. Funny thing is that I know if I did the exact opposite thing they would have criticized that. Foe example, I was foolish enough to tell my bro and his wife that I went out with a doctor once but I wasn't attracted to him. Later I hear from my mom that I should have continued to date him because I would have had no financial worries. I already don't have financial worries! How shallow that they would say I should be with someone for money. And had I stayed with him they would have said, " the only reason she's with that nerd is for the money." Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Learning to not share a single personal thing with my family. Only going to talk about the weather and other mundane things.

[@bellajordans1053]

@@lisalph8922 Yep. I learned long ago I was damned no matter what I say, on either side of the coin. It doesn't matter. So I learned to not say much at all. I'm strung up for that too, but it's the lesser of the evils. I've only come to learn about narcissism in the past few months. I had no idea why certain things kept happening over, and over and why so many people (even beyond the asses in my family) ended up taking advantage of me, and talking crap about me. Now I know though. And F them all, is all I have to say. Rotten pieces of empty shit that they are.

[@ontheflipflop1]

Ms Terri Cole, Your video was exceptionally helpful due to your unique style. You really stood out and was uniquely helpful in your presentation by how you presented your material. The first was: get a clear picture of life as a kid and what boundaries looked like at that time. I've never had anyone come from that angle, and man, it immediately sets a spot light right on the what, where, and why's of my boundary problem areas!!! I imagine it has the same affect on others. The second: picturing the last time you tried to assert yourself/attempted to set a boundary with someone. Visualize it. What happened? Again, the spotlight immediately shines on the problem areas and shows the what, where, and why's of my boundary problem areas!!! I love and appreciate how you gave real life examples, Thank you! Very good video on setting boundaries! A lot of boundary videos just talk about boundaries defined, why they are good to have, and just talk about setting boundaries. Not about "how" or examples of boundaries. You took the topic out of the clouds, out of the books, and made it a "real life applicaple tool"! There needs to be more of this type available, because I for one am searching for applicable examples, not just another boundary sermon. I'd love to hear another video of yours with other scenarios...esp with narcissists, as they seem to be many! For those of us who boundaries are a new thing because they were not taught/modeled in our life, examples are crucial & effective! Another topic that would be greatly helpful is when you find you aren't happy with the access you've allowed someone (esp narcissist) in your life - how to change, manage, & navigate that without causing WWIII or the end of the world response. My ex & I are better as friends. She is an addict, which is what created an unmanageable life for me in our 17 year relationship and I had to leave it. We are now good as friends. However, I don't "want to talk to her every day (every other day would be better), or see her more than once a week. I need to change (pull back, decrease) the access I've allowed her in my life. I don't know how to navigate this and feel it is needing a conversation. If I don't take her calls/texts or return them later in the day, she's majorly offended or shows up at my door "worried something's happened" to me, like I've fallen or something and can't get to my phone, but mad as a hornet. I would greatly benefit from a video on something like this. Thank you for this very well done video. I'm sharing it because it's the best one I've come across!💯‼️🌷🫶🗝️✌️

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad this was helpful 💕 I have a lot of videos about boundaries on my channel, as well as my book, Boundary Boss! This video in particular has examples, although it doesn't have to do with narcissists: kzbin.info/www/bejne/jITcYqywq6Z5Ztk For narcissists, it's tricky. They are boundary destroyers. They have an agenda and they will see it through no matter what. They likely will never respect or hear your boundaries. As you correctly identified, it's on you to lessen the amount of contact you have, or perhaps move from seeing them in person to phone calls or texts. But you cannot control how they receive your boundaries. Unfortunately, no matter how gentle you are, some people will always take offense to it. You can only control what is on your side of the street. You can say something like, "Because I respect our friendship, I want to let you know that I no longer have the bandwidth to respond to texts or calls right away. I'd like to make a simple request that you please do not show up at my door unannounced if I don't answer right away. If you do, I will not answer." (And be willing to stick by that- consequences for boundary violations are important.) I would probably not offer a lot of context, otherwise she may latch onto it and try to get you to budge. (For example, if you said something like you're trying out a new time consuming hobby, she might shift the focus to getting you to stop. You want to keep the focus on cutting back on contact.) You can offer a day/time frame to give her more certainty: "I'm happy to connect on Tuesdays at 4 pm. Otherwise, please give me 24-48 hours to respond to your messages." If that's 'not enough' for her, or she still shows up at your house, then you may need to evaluate the friendship. What are you getting out of it? I have a video on boundaries and friends, too: kzbin.info/www/bejne/hF6YqZilbtifeNE Feel free to modify those suggestions to fit your tone/the situation, but I wouldn't soften them too much because it's important to be assertive and get your preferences across. I hope that helps 💕

[@yaffaNC-17]

Terri, you’re brilliant! And your delivery makes it so easy to hear you. Thank you for these videos. Wish I had discovered you years ago.

[@AlitaGunnm]

I like " I am my own boss" so it's not necessary to fight for drawing boundaries 💜

[@myrtleesther8855]

I want to say how helpful this video was to me today. Many thanks!

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome!

[@lisakolkman1733]

Terri!!! I just found you. I love you. Thank you so much. I appreciate your calm and respectable self empowering approach. I have been struggling with setting boundaries with my daughter and my husband who both have ADHD. This is exactly what I needed.

[@terri_cole]

Lisa!! So happy to be "found" and grateful this episode resonated with you. Thanks for being here with me ;)

[@beglad411]

Love this. Thank you. Love the examples you gave of others working through stuff with others.

[@terri_cole]

So glad you loved it 💕

[@elizabethlasseigne5361]

THANK YOU!!!!!!! This is the second video of yours, and I’m so excited to see more! This is helped me so much! You are amazing!

[@valentinavadillo]

I’ve noticed that all the boundaries you successfully set, always end up with what you need, and a loving statement like “If you respect this boundary I would love to...” I used to set the boundary with anger and leaving people out of my life and accusing then without love.

[@CynthiaSchoenbauer]

I love boundaries. I am not used to taking control like this in my life but it seems like boundaries answers some questions about dealing with things that make me angry. I guess it would be nice to think someone else would already respect you enough to be as polite and aware of my obvious needs, but when that does not happen, like with Narcs, I need to draw lines between me and them. I did not grow up being allowed to do this at all so I had no idea I could without being called names. Thank you for this video! I have shared it on my facebook page.

[@terri_cole]

Cynthia, Thank you so much for sharing the vid! It warms my heart more than you know to think that the content on this channel is helping you create a happier, healthier life-because you deserve it, mama!

[@danpellyinspirationalspeak6168]

Ty , Good Advice Terri , it takes some courage , especially with family , but so important to do for ones happiness. 👍🏼

[@terri_cole]

Thank you, Dan!!

[@LynnSandler-j9k]

Reactive responses cannot be done in anger, its hurtful if a male responds in anger over and over and pounding a fist on a desk, Im going through a difficult situation at this time and I really appreciate you sharing examples on how to actually set boundaries. I came across your channel tonight, good information.

[@eileenmcauliffe1148]

You are speaking truth I need this so much I have 3 people I have difficulty with at the moment

[@jlande6]

You are fantastic, thank you for what you do and bring to the world.

[@heidiuridge1584]

Thank you for great information ❤

[@sunshine-sm6nf]

This is really helping me. I grew up with neighbor that was such a bully and was taught to ignore this bully and she walked over us. To this day I don't let anyone know when things are not ok, I kind of go into panic mode and freeze. I have a good husband but sometimes he talks to me rough, he came from a rough side of town and there again I don't say anything. If I stop him he does care, not like my narcisstic family members. I really just have not known how to take care of myself and be clear that this is not ok and tell him. I want to take care of myself, with the narcisstic members I just get off the phone or get away from them because I know they wont change. With the people who care, I need to learn to tell them. Thank you for showing me how to set boundaries. This is very good. Hard to believe I don't know how to do this but I really don't. (yes, guess it is from my crazy upbringing)

[@terri_cole]

YES!!! You got it!!!!

[@sunshine-sm6nf]

thank you, trying, it is difficult but I am sure it will be worthwhile.

[@pattirayne1243]

i tried to add this video to my favorites and my playlist but the "Add to" button just stayed grey. I liked it very much. Thank you!

[@SpiritualTarotGoddess]

Yes a whole new language, one I am soooooo grateful for. Thank you. N mom and entire family's of origin. Crazy nutz. I cant believe I survived this.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion.

[@AlysaRushtonEnergy]

Omg I need this boundary boot camp 🙏🏽🙏🏽

[@terri_cole]

It's now part of my membership (all of my signature courses are included): terricole.com/tcm You also get 4 Q&A calls with me each month, which would be a great container to discuss questions on how to handle defensive people ❤️ I did this video, tailored more toward defensive partners, but the general advice would apply: kzbin.info/www/bejne/eHWvfXqMeLiooqc You could also try communicating in writing.

[@Sandra-wt9fy]

I just came across your post and realized I have gone the full spectrum with my narsasist husband of five years. I'm barely new at reaching this boundary stage and I have a grip on this. Went through many stages but finally at a good spot. But if he does something totally out of left field....I believe I'm out. Too much can be too much.

[@Catching-Rainbows-Fertility]

Great content! Really love the way you explain things and give examples. My usual issue is having ‘friends’ who are nice to me but also perpetually push boundaries. A classic is to ask a favour that I end up feeling I have no reason to say no to other than basically nothing wanting to. I have no idea how she does it! Good practice though for me in setting boundaries!

[@jenp342]

I understand drawing boundaries, although some people just devalue, redirect, or just don’t care. So unfortunately I do, sometimes become frustrated, depressed, and angry. So I can set boundaries. But if it is too much I avoid, so I don’t snap.

[@LynnSandler-j9k]

Drawing boundaries is a learned response, co dependent relationships are difficult to navigate

[@caleuxx9108]

Hi Terri, I really like your videos. They are helpful. Over the past 2 years as I've began to set more and more boundries, I've discovered just how aggressive my father and brother can be. They go into verbal attack mode, when I don't do what they want. I could really use some pointers on how to respond to their attacks - yelling, manipulation, silent treatment, blaming (alot of what is categorized as "resistance to boundries"). Emotionally it's exhausting. My fathers father was inprisoned when he was 8 (communism in Europe). My brother and I kind of lost our mother, when he was 8 and I 10 (to schizofrenia). Both of them probably have abandonment issues. Anyway, I have learned to set boundries fairly well I think and hope, but advice as to how to respond to attacks after setting boundries is rare. I have tried responding by naming the behavior they used to attack me eg. by saying "that is manipulation", "that is silent treatment which is a form of passive aggression". Once my father, when I set a boundry said I was being mean - I responded by saying that boundry setting was not mean and that his emotions do not mean that I did anything wrong. They never apologize for attacking me or for being hours late or for not doing what they said they would.

[@zhang73]

My dad used to wake me up in the morning sometimes so that I could drive him around to do my brother’s paper route bc he couldn’t wake up early. I feel that the more responsible you are, the more crap you have to take on.

[@caleuxx9108]

Drawing boundries in a kind and firm manner is difficult, when the situation brings out strong negative emotions (anger, fear - the accumulation of anger from not drawing boundries in the past and fear due to fear of abandonment, which is also strong). Processing the strong emotions and only then drawing a boundry is often not really possible because the anger requires the boundry setting for the anger to get processed. Using a kind tone when feeling strong negative emotions is practically impossible. And only by setting boundries on a regular basis does the anger subside and then it does become possible to set boundries with a neutral tone in a kind and firm manner. It¨s a process...

[@terri_cole]

Indeed it is. The end goal is to do it with ease and grace and that takes time and repetition but is well worth the effort.

[@genna2586]

Such a helpful video to process. This is a lot of information for those of us who are challenged with boundaries. Please talk about establishing early relationship boundaries as a topic. Thanks....

[@KimBerly-sd4qe]

I was raised by a narcissist and it has caused me to have a very low tolerance for anyone being disrespectful or making derogatory comments about women . Evidently I attract narcissistic men. After dating a man for 2 months and listening to Hume make derogatory statements about women and disrespecting my feelings by constantly talking about his ex wife or making comments about women friends and how perfect their bodies are.. I told him ...I must not have been clear about my boundaries and for that I apologize but these are things I do not like. Derogatory comments about women. Continuously talking about your ex. And talking about other women’s perfect bodies. I deserve to be respected . I’m a beautiful, intelligent, successful, loving , affectionate woman and expect to be treated well.

[@jensmyth7122]

Thank you so much for sharing this. I need to start setting boundaries with my partner. Every time I try to set boundaries he becomes very forceful with his opinion and puts me down. He’s trying to persuade me to buy a house with him and threatens to end the relationship if I don’t. The situation is causing me a lot of anxiety at the moment. I will put these techniques into practice thank you again Terri.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion and sending strength, Jen ❤️

[@alltankedup]

Boundaries. This video and your narcissist mother video have been a godsend and I’m serious when I say that ❤️☘️⚡️.

[@theforeigner6988]

8:01 gosh. Kind of funny that it took me 40 years to get this basics in my head... Thank you. My life has changed since I came across your videos almost a year ago.

[@terri_cole]

It's never too late! Glad to hear you're enjoying the videos.

[@susana9912]

Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM My life is changing right now, and these videos resonate so much with what I am going through. I let my Ex change me into a different person. And now I’m struggling to extricate my old self. He was always pushing my boundaries and reacting badly when I pushed his. Even though he didn’t let me know how much things bothered him previously. Always I’d give him what he needed but he seemed to not care about my needs. If you could do a video on how to break up cleanly. I told him I was done with him after he punched me in the face, but he still wants to “talk” after his court date.(I called the cops) it was the first time and I felt bad afterwards but it wasn’t my fault is what I keep telling myself.

[@venuscode1]

Terri, These are such helpful videos. They help me stay focused on what is important. I am in therapy (this time) because I wanted to figure out why after 68 years I couldn't put my childhood behind me. Now I know why. The abuse has never ended. I noticed a video about narcissistic men and watched because I figured my ex was. It fit him perfectly. Then I watched ones about narcissistic parents. Again a perfect fit. I was blown away. Listening to you is what I wish I was getting from my therapist. If she is not validating my feelings about this should I find another one? Are there ones that specialize in this? So far I'm getting "I don't know them so I can't confirm their diagnosis". Thank you in advance.

[@terri_cole]

I am so happy the vids are adding value. You don't need your therapist to "confirm their diagnosis" you need her to compassionately care about what you experienced. The last thing you need is to feel like you have to "convince" her of anything. so yes looking for a new therapist sounds like a good idea. There are therapist who specialize in childhood trauma and abuse. You can find out their speciality by seeing if they have a website or if they are listed on a site like therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms Don't give up my friend, it's never too late to heal old injuries and live a lighter happier life. Thanks for sharing here with us xo