The 3 Hidden Psychological Factors of a Healthy Relationship You Should Know

[@MedCircle]

Comment below and let us know which of these factors most resonates with you. Watch a full, exclusive video series on relationship health & mental health HERE: bit.ly/2WJbtrX

[@mrsg9929]

Hfhhr jfhxtxrffyhj just said that the world is going through the 6

[@deadislander]

Would love to see a series solely on healthy relationships 💕

[@AUAndre]

Me too:)

[@smugbugs7031]

Yessss i only know toxic ones 🙃😞

[@deadislander]

@@smugbugs7031 Exactly!

[@dboucher2974]

They don’t exist.

[@wednesday55]

​@@dboucher2974 I recommend Alan Robarge's channel.

[@PowayMom]

I love Dr. Lamb. She has been my doctor for many years. She is so compassionate, kind and helped me with many family issues. I don’t have the words to articulate how amazing she is.

[@Snad67]

Gosh, how fortunate you are. I would love to see her but I live in Australia.

[@sabrinajacobs8743]

WOW! Simply amazing. Kyle's comfortable style and Dr. Lamb's clear and concise answers makes this information easy to digest. Loved it! More! More! 😊

[@nikitapunia2737]

She IS SO good.....her clarity of thought and examples are just what we all need and matches my style of explanation as well. Thank you tons.

[@KyleKittleson]

I agree with you. I got so many takeaways when filming this. We'll be releasing more from Dr. Lamb soon for our free members.

[@palmamingozzi5736]

When you forget to do the little things, over years, they add up and become big things, anger can also be a healthy emotion, use it wisely.

[@mariebella26]

There was some brilliant question you asked Kyle: "what if the person you're interacting with-- whoever it is-- doesn't honor your healthy management of anger and exposing yourself emotionally, and rather meets you with reactivity?" I think two elements need to be addressed here: 1. It takes a great strength of character and such a high internal security level to take the risk of being rejected. Those folks are not afraid of people taking advantage of their exposure. They won't care because their value is courage replacing the ‘unhealthy ego’ need for protection. This itself is to be applauded no matter the outcome! 2. What you described sounded very much like 'gaslighting'. In order for us not to lose our energy with the wrong person, a good strategy to think about might be 'educating ourselves first about narcissism', especially the most subtle and dangerous ones of them: the covert and malignant types. Because, if it turns out the person we're dealing with is a narcissist, engaging with them is the least thing we want to do. They're simply not worth our time, energy and investment. We will definitely do ourselves a favor by just ignoring them if we have no possibility to go 'no contact'.

[@LyndseyMacPherson]

This is so relevant right now as couples and families spend more time together than ever. But it's bigger than even that. This kind of revolutionary retooling of basic human interaction is a giant step in the evolution of humankind.

[@andreabiro2357]

She is just perfect in explaining these issues!

[@wikkedlildifranco]

This video is absolutely perfect and just validated a lot of things I was feeling and thinking. It gave me a moment of self-reflection I absolutely needed.

[@KyleKittleson]

Love hearing that, Casandra. :)

[@ritusplay]

The handling anger part works really well with adolescents especially, I have to lean to continue a conversation and be there with kids in their anger. So good all the points,thankyou

[@mariebella26]

Thanks for this exquisite intervention! I loved your energy Dr. Lamb and the fact you consider anger as a healthy and beautiful emotion! I couldn't agree more! What is 'anger'? What's its purpose? What's its function? Let's keep in mind most people don't get angry when things are going well! I don't get angry when people are helpful or friendly or kind or cooperative or understanding. I can probably have a lot of peace in a moment like that 😊 I get angry / you get angry when people are harsh or negative or not understanding or critical or not available emotionally. The anger starts building on the inside of you. What's really going on inside of you at that moment. If you look carefully, you'll figure out that anger is tied up to your sense of self-preservation. In fact, we can even say that anger is the emotion of 'self-preservation'. When you feel angry, you want to preserve one of those three ingredients: 1. Your sense of worth "would you please show me respect and treat me as a decent person?" 2. Your legitimate needs "Hey I've got needs; please acknowledge them, recognize them, will you?" 3. Your fundamental convictions which makes of you who you are even when they don't make much sense for the other party. This is some summary of a brilliant therapist video I saw on KZbin a few time ago, but that I can't find I unfortunately... If I may add something to this, I'd say we need to pay attention to the difference between: 1. The anger coming from our narcissistic tendencies-- existing in everybody until we can start being self-aware and reprogram our subconscious; this being extremely different from the NPD whose recovery chances tend to zero. Those tendencies are basically making people very reactive and quickly offended. AND 2. The healthy anger. In the first case scenario, I believe this is a direct construct of the conditioning-- even from kind-hearted caregivers; conditioned themselves; which left deep emotional scars and flashbacks in the subconscious program. More to the point, there is a difference with getting angry for a 'perceived'/triggered on 'auto-pilot' violation of our worth/basic needs/identity (coming from the narcissistic tendencies, our distorted judgment and not even taking time to ask the person for a clarification) and a 'real'/'conscious' one (coming from our secure self-preservation need). Last but not least, the narcissistic tendencies are very curable and disappear whenever we commit to our homework of re-writing our limiting beliefs about ourselves (the first big step of re-programming the subconscious) making us move from our unhealthy attachment style to the secure one. This is only possible for kind-hearted folks.

[@lauraras7601]

Lovely. Sweet and wise. i love both Kyle and Dr. Lamb

[@ravishingtwinkle3811]

When I visualise what's healthy , I have intolerance for what's toxic with no anxiety guilt or second thoughts.

[@jillbishop3826]

Dr. Lamb, this is gold! You have such a clear way of describing these principles. Also approachable “I AM that person.” 😂

[@AnarchicOrder]

Hey man on the left, I think you're missing a huge detail when talking about reacting to a partner bringing up their anger. "Maybe she should be more resilient" is not a helpful thought. When you do this, you don't accept responsibility by invalidating her. Even if the issue is small to your subjective reality, that doesn't mean her subjective reality is invalid. Her getting angry about you forgetting to take out the trash translates to something larger, her not feeling cared about. Even if you do care about her, in this moment, she does not feel that way. What you should do is swallow your pride, accept responsibility, apologize, and tell her your story, then find a solution together. Look up the science of validation, and its importance in relationships. You guys should do an episode on it.

[@pjkarels]

He was bringing up a good point of how we can feel in the moment especially. A lot of his questions were for us the audience to understand the conversation more clearly. I found it super helpful.

[@2Bad4YOUuu]

So insightful and intelligent. I gain something each time I watch one of your videos. Thanks!

[@jarYiskah]

I'm taking notes! Also the visual explanations are super helpful!

[@Pickle2222]

Don’t try this with a narcissist y’all! I did awhile ago and it did not go well. It never goes well trying to be rational with them :/

[@rongike]

their defenses are just so thick that there's no breaking through to them through normal therapies that work with others. I think they first need to be isolated and taught to feel safe and appreciated and learn to enjoy good things before any of that, but that's not something a regular friend/partner can do for them.

[@april82daisies]

Love this!! She is awesome. So good.

[@ProfKisha]

Ugh. This is so good! Thank you for sharing this.

[@the3dkate379]

Brilliant interview!! and so useful and actionable. i'll look for more interviews with Dr Lamb.

[@kevinhorton8617]

Had to re watch with the pause button and take notes; so much helpful stuff. ( "The feelings are the light bulb." :o )

[@rhondajohnson8310]

Yaaay! She is awesome!! Great video!

[@lovelyrainflowerfarm]

Hello Medcircle! This is somewhat unrelated to the topic at hand but I was wondering if you could do a video on the importance of touch in the mental health of adults. I’ve tried to look up books that address this but I’ve found information mostly focused on the importance of touch for babies or children. I feel an incredible sense of touch starvation and I believe it’s affecting my wellbeing. I would be so appreciative to have a clinician’s thoughts on this. Thank you!

[@alaaaaa4132]

That's an amazing video I enjoyed & learned a ton, thank you for sharing.

[@xxissamexx]

I'm really glad I watched this!

[@laurenbraswell5158]

I'm really confused about the title. I don't think it matches the content of the video. The video seemed to be about owning uncomfortable feelings like anger, but the title says, "The 3 Hidden Psychological Factors of a Healthy Relationship You Should Know." I watched this because I'm thinking that my marriage isn't very healthy, and I would like to learn how to fix it.

[@Melly16yr10]

Just a suggestion why not see a relationship therapist.

[@KC-xu2yr]

@Michael I have the same problem, and far more than I like. It's difficult at best to leave the house, and when I do leave, I'm almost always uncomfortable. I try to keep it from showing, but it shows anyway. So, I understand where you are. You've got the right idea by practicing relaxation exercises. I'll look into that solution. Be strong and take care of yourself 🙂

[@halothman1500]

Take this Kyle; you’re sooo good at this !!! Keep it up

[@NS-uq9st]

A very simple thing to do which gets complicated because of our no communication and ego., Lovely session 👏👏

[@Sandra-mq1nb]

Extremely helpful......precious.....thank you ❤

[@halothman1500]

Excellent piece

[@alexandrugheorghe5610]

This and nonviolent communication 💜

[@kristenb7623]

Really good stuff! Thanks so much for your knowledge and expertise 💓

[@AUAndre]

Thank you so much for this video! So helpful !:)

[@shirleyross4314]

I always get caught up with much psychologic abuse from whom I'm pinned in with and find myself going through it because of standing to lose all I've invested in just to find out years later I lose it all any way.

[@stefanaurora4958]

My brain is also like 'Excuse me, Kyle!' 😋😊Loved this material! Thank you!

[@mhgoulet2806]

Wow!! Excellent talk!!

[@johndeal4381]

That's very interesting. I have to exercise compulsively daily due to anxiety. I guess it's due more to repressed anger.

[@leannesmith1207]

This was fantastic- thank you :)

[@JoyanneBecker]

Recommend a book called "The Missing Peace" by John Lee. A lot of the same concepts, explained a little differently.

[@halk.5927]

Awesome! Love it! Good stuff!

[@dabbler1166]

Very good video! In the first 4 minutes, we learn the danger and downside of "stuffing our feelings". As feelings go down, anxiety goes up. Then, we resort to "defenses" which may be ok, or unhealthy. In my unprofessional opinion, this right here, shows why STOICISM will never work. It denies "Natural reactions", so it's counter-productive. I believe that was a flaw in Albert Ellis's "rational-emotive therapy". Too much like Stoicism, and too much its-not-what-people-do-but-how-you-react". This, i think is probably THE most important piece of BS, to ever enter Psychology! Because: if 100 people are all aggravated by the SAME unpleasant event or behavior from someone else, inflicted on them, and 95 out of 100 all react in the same way, or experience the same emotions (i.e. natural reactions), we don't tell them to live like the other 5. Obviously, human beings don't. or they would. It's unrealistic. Any therapy that ignores that, is also doomed to not dealing with core issues and just putting band-aids on things. It might be fine for Dr. Ellis, or someone who still has their health and also has piles of money, and far less worries, to tell everyone else to not-let-it-get-to-you, but for most us, we don't have that luxury! Admit it- a Millionaire, worries far less about: High Rent, medical biils, or expensive car trouble than the great majority of us with far less money. So, a good question for the professionals to ask themselves is: Will this new therapy, or coping technique or advice be both useable and effective even to those who are lower-income or who have less resources? If yes, then its likely a good therapy, or at least you are onto something probably-good. I think that Freud had some value! Not Oedipus and toilet-training, but specifically, in realizing that examining our past and "How-we-got-here-matters". I believe ALL Psychiatry and Psychology should do a better job of helping us all to: 1. gain more INSIGHT into ourselves 2. Build more "independent-functioning" and Resilience and Confidence so that we can function in, and face the world, with knowledge, confidence and strength to bounce back. It's called Growth. Then, we can be mature and independent human beings. We want this for our kids. We should also want it for ourselves.

[@tayaotto3484]

Love how the host is talking CBT and the guest is talking Psychodynamic

[@snaxicakes]

11:43 fantastic example of leaning into the defense. Wow.

[@gammayin3245]

It is a whole lot easier to permanently break the connection and stay away from that person.

[@xxissamexx]

I feel like for me and I suppose a lot of us, it is a build up that blows off the cover but I've realised that if there's no cover, there's no blow up So regulation meaning a lil bit of both release and awareness, ya? Also I love that this is a series about healthy ones too :)

[@margaretwinson402]

Great video, and really good outfit, Kyle.

[@tcdevable]

Wow. This should be taught in school

[@sigmakodiak1701]

Which is exactly why they don't. Why teach you to think, when they can just program you to have the "correct" answer?

[@taom9004]

Again, great stuff for healthy people, ["All of that is okay as long as you can both talk about it"] but dangerous to try with personality disordered or dark triad types.

[@mightymouse1005]

Amen

[@tomford1376]

The great riches Kyle Kittleson was born into are on display in this video. Luckily he has used his great inheritance to invest in medcircle, which leads to lots of people being healthily educated about mental health. I am grateful for these videos and I always want to send them to friends. Kyle is extremely wealthy (is my guess)....his parents and him are both incredible with stocks and have a house in the hamptons/Martha’s vineyard/Malibu/Venice beach

[@lindylee1139]

Anger at work is a tricky thing to deal with

[@m.skinner6303]

WOW! You look really good today kyle

[@KyleKittleson]

Well thank you! :)

[@halk.5927]

I have a question. I’m thinking of a scenario when one spouse is angry, and the other is more logical, communicative, and constructive with their emotions. The angry spouse deals with their anger by isolating, being silent. This may last an hour, 24 hours, or three days. Ultimately, they emerge from this isolation, seemingly OK with everything. To put it simply, they needed space. Is the isolation a destructive discharge? Hypothetically, in my scenario, it seems to work for the couple. Now I’m playing the devils advocate, Kyle.

[@sigmakodiak1701]

"Seems to work" is correct. I'm not claiming to be a doctor, but I see this a lot... Time away from each other to try to repress or forget just doesn't work in the long run. This is what a lot of couples (both married and not) will do, because it's the example of avoiding the feared "blow up and break up" that for past generations (I'm thinking of my grandparents) was to be AVOIDED AT ALL COST. It just wasn't acceptable to be open about how you were feeling, or what you needed. You need to learn how to fight, compromise, communicate, empathize. All these relationship tools your parents should have armed you with... Sadly, most don't.

[@halk.5927]

sigma kodiak: Thank you for your comments. I agree. The so-called “I just need space“ method avoids resolution.

[@mightymouse1005]

Have you ever lived under thr dictatorship of one?

[@malhunt7]

@@sigmakodiak1701 Excellent comment. I just broke up with an emotionally avoidant person. He would ignore me for a week at a time when he "needed space" to me its cowardly and completely unacceptable! So....I gave him ALL the space he will ever need from me. It took me 7 years to understand that we just weren't compatible!! If you need space, more power to you! But to ghost and disappear with no explanation is emotional abuse in my opinion.

[@lalasolsol1948]

I love this topic I did this angle of imotion to my boyfriend doc your right that's what I did too I love my boyfriend i do this 3 dealing healthy relationship to my boyfriend he had 5 symptoms metal illnesses still I love him

[@JeremyCobb]

So how do you monitor and deal with the anxiety?

[@fatemajohora6835]

Awesome...

[@jetterasmussen6577]

So brilliant! But how do you start the process when your body shows tell tell signs of repressed emotions, and you can't seem to access them, because they are buried deep within?

[@erocsorez3094]

my brain gobbles this up like soup 😀

[@cameront8539]

I came here thinking I was fine and that I had life figured out, but now I'm just angry at MedCircle.

[@matthewcallaghan1512]

And if all this fails? Maybe explain the difference between anger and abuse

[@yvonnemakidon3073]

Read It’s not always depression😎

[@jerrarichardson7295]

What if i have a habit of trying to push my husband away to run away so i will sometimes purposefully start a fight to push him away??

[@gammayin3245]

Also - does "overly sensitive" really exist? How much is it?

[@ritadoran5039]

Hi I'm a cry when sad question my ex never did was with him years and we had emotional times shared even death of loved one not one year from. Him kinda turned me off I think he was cold de tached

[@kathysmall6303]

He's the "are you kidding me??!" guy in relationship lol

[@reginehunter]

Lmao I love Kyle. Kyle is me 😂

[@avengerscap]

Haven't listened to it yet but I know three essentials: 1. You must be loyal. 2. Your feel affection toward the other order. 3. You both want to be married to that person .

[@Cutest1TheGame]

Kyle , don't look now, but there's a person hiding behind the tree behind you.

[@ririxixi]

Echoing

[@dboucher2974]

Dr. Ed Helm.

[@Nando_lifts2021]

If someones mad about a little thing like the trash. It's not about the trash or maybe it is. Dive into it

[@kittyblossom7342]

Has anyone else noticed that she looks like Ginny Weasley!

[@bpls3341]

Oof, PREACH!!!

[@Proud3579]

The Asian-Americans finally replied, “Be careful!!!” to the curious vibe of average Americans.

[@spaceships.s344]

🙏🙏

[@goodintentions1302]

.

[@OpusLoveProductions]

22 minutes to tell me three things?

[@johndeal4381]

Where did this child prodigy come from?

[@algasimmohamed3482]

she is nice , but where is the triangle of conflict 😅?

[@abhisarikagandhi]

Put some garbage on the bed.