The 4 Attachment Styles Setting Boundaries

Want to talk type? Meet me here: www.heidipriebe.com !
Today we are talking about a VERY hot button issue in the attachment community which is BOUNDARIES! Each of the insecure styles approach boundaries a little differently but all of them could use a little work. Whether you're anxious, avoidant or fearful-avoidant there's something in here for you.
Secures ... I just assume do not watch these. But hey, let me know if I'm wrong!

[@freddiefox.]

"Avoidants' lack awareness of their need to communicate their boundaries, otherwise they are not boundaries, they are glorified ghosting protocols." ~ This, this, this!

[@The_Vanished]

Yeah they’re jerks and expect some kind of forced groveling. My idiot cousin is now “my husband and boss are controlling me, what do you want me to do, wahhhh!”

[@EIizabethGrace]

@@The_Vanished ​​⁠ ​​⁠Just tossing in my two cents as someone who leans more avoidant on the fearful-avoidant spectrum: groveling has nothing to do with any of it. Sorry if it turns out long. When an avoidant person pushes you away, it isn’t because they want you to come back. It isn’t to elicit a reaction or to change you. That’s a distinctly anxious (and partly fearful-avoidant) thing. If an avoidant person pushes you away, it’s because they genuinely want you to go away. It’s like if some creepy old dude jumped on you and you pushed him off. It’s not because you want him to hit on you more nicely or beg you and tell you how beautiful you are: you’re just not interested in (or are even repulsed by) the idea of being with him. Now, I’m not saying it’s always about as reasonable a reaction as pushing the creepy old dude off. Sometimes it may be, but others it may just be them being emotion-phobic, just like all attachment styles can result in irrational or even jerky behavior. It also doesn’t have to be about definitively rejecting the relationship or person as a whole. I’m just saying, if you care about understanding what’s going on and why, don’t project the manipulation tactic on them. If an avoidant person pushes you away, and they’re actually avoidant (or having an avoidant reaction to an over the top behavior), they literally just want you to back off.

[@sapiosag9306]

@@EIizabethGrace absolutely! I lean towards being avoidant as well. When I push away it’s definitely not done to get someone to come back to me. That person has annoyed me and I need them away from me. 💯

[@NikkLiberos]

I've never felt more seen. Not that that makes me proud, but having the spotlight on my blind spot is going to prove VERY helpful.

[@1980ify]

So right. We try to avoid conversing and stating our needs, instead we try to blend in even if it's not comfortable

[@ElvenChaos]

You just explained how I should be addressing my boundaries, in 2 sentences, as opposed to the 30 years of therapy I've had. 😮

[@KevinRoderick]

“Glorified ghosting protocols” haha, that’s spot on

[@ignasmaciulis1095]

Goes into my vocabulary right alongside "aggressive bonding campaign" :D

[@shippingdept5562]

as an FA, one thing i've become aware of is that I don't know how to communicate my needs unless I'm emotionally activated.

[@i..am..]

I feel you. I try to set boundaries but the second I become dysregulated it's like I'm in a hurricane.

[@kerrbear2183]

Intro: 0:00 ~Anxious: 2:18 ~(Dismissive) Avoidant: 10:04 Self-aware coffee break💁‍♀️: 16:37 ~Fearful Avoidant: 17:05 Sidenote for all 3: 25:16 Back to Fearful Avoidant: 26:05 Outro: 27:06

[@tbelj]

🙏🙏🙏

[@dacewillow]

When you said "what anxious attachment styles think they need is to have their emotions mirrored back to them by someone else," I felt so clearly seen and called out but in a good way lol. I SO appreciate how clearly you are sble to explain these things, it is soooo helpful and constructive.

[@jonathanlrand]

Your ability to compassionately explain these sometimes subtle behaviors is a gift to the world. Thank you. It is so incredibly validating and simultaneously challenging.

[@mikea6289]

Yes! She really strikes that balance of “validating but challenging” well.

[@sandiscalmanini8096]

Totally agree. I’m learning so much about myself. So much work for me to do, I’m ready.

[@capsule2326]

INFP / Fearful Avoidant A lot of what you described resonates very strongly When the fantasies are of "freedom", "space", "casual novelty of other partners" - you know that will lead to one place - extreme conflict up to and including the termination of the relationship. And you'd be more likely to jump in front of a bus than to deal with that.

[@iqratakreemsaeed2862]

I am also an INFP and often need connection while freedom and respect too

[@ozgesings]

Whoever needs to hear this...I'm an anxiously attached ex- people pleaser and It was so hard for me to set boundaries for years...Even the idea of setting boundaries and limiting a person's communication to me was so scary and it used to make me feel directly fear of being alone and losing an opportunity...People pleasers know that if something is toxic for you it should go but when you're triggered you can't regulate your emotions and you want to hold on to that toxic thing for the sake of validation and feeling secure...I'm doing the work on myself since 2017 (for 5 years), I just wanna say that remember that this is a long journey...You'll still make mistakes or look for validation in people sometimes but when you do don't beat yourself up...Move on and keep practicing...I swear it will feel better each time you make a progress and stand by your own principles and needs...Be your own validation...Keep telling yourself you've always been a nice , smart and strong person, others will enjoy your company or not and that's ok..it's not gonna change who you are at the end of the day...🥰

[@melpower2525]

Thank you

[@CA-de1kb]

Invest in Shad Helmstetter’s Self-Talk app…The Self-Esteem recordings have helped me tremendously to rewire my brain to believe I am worthy of good things and am okay/enough/secure in my own view, regardless of messages I received earlier in life and told myself for years. Love Heidi’s content, and I also get a lot out of some of Matthew Hussey’s videos on dating, self-worth, boundaries, and closure. Each of us is a work in progress…all just walking each other home. ❤

[@xWabbli]

Thank you so much. I have difficulties not to beat myself up because I think if I already have knowledge of it, I should be able to use it, too. So I’m really grateful for this reminder that it’s a long way and that you have to keep moving forward & be patient and kind to yourself.

[@ozgesings]

@@xWabbli just to give you a heads up, just keep practicing to manage your emotions but don't beat yourself up... It really gets easier in time 😊

[@Letryx1]

100% this! I am 28 years old and I have yet to figure out what my boundaries are, I'm working on it but it's such a foreign concept to me bc I've never limited anyone and always tried to be what everyone else needs me to be. 😂

[@ashleyko1]

Totally am a fearful-avoidant ENFP-er, trying to sort out how to feel that sense of "freedom" within my relationship without having to constantly fantasize about leaving to fulfill that need. Thanks for the great video Heidi!

[@AthenaIsabella]

Omg you took the words out of my mouth!! You're not alone. We got this.

[@ΑνθήΒ-ψ4ρ]

Oh same here !!!

[@Ennpey]

And same here! Hahaha!

[@Waitukubuli]

ako1, I recommend also checking out Thais Gibson's fearful-avoidant playlist too. She is not an ENFP though. - a fellow ENFP

[@lizziejackson5420]

Same and an ENFP too

[@JanathanTran]

For anxiously attached folk, PLEASE READ AND DO THE ARTIST'S WAY YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW GREAT IT IS. On top of helping you learn to let your inner child play, and tolerate to then love yourself, it can also help you develope *creative* coping mechanisms that don't involve other people or technology to do. I'm sure some of us are addicted to our devices. If there's one thing you do, throw a 20 at a book and I promise you'll come out better than you went in!

[@onajeblazena3528]

The best part was from 00:00-27:54 😅 Haidi, thank you for sharing this with us. This is pure gold ❤️✨👏

[@kun_kue]

I love partnership but I also really love being alone. I used to feel like I couldn't ask for alone time because every relationship I see modelled has people that enjoy being together a bit more. Now I feel less guilty about wanting alone time and I express it as well as I can. On the fantasies when I haven't set a boundary my brain starts to fire really mean thoughts about the person as a way to show me that a boundary has been breached.

[@refreshingtwist]

I can massively relate to the FA part. I feel like relationships completely suffocate me. That's how I'd describe romantic relationships. And I LOVE when I'm single. But, being human, I start to crave intimacy again - and then get myself into a relationship again, only to feel suffocated AGAIN, and leave. What I found massively difficult in my last relationship was that whenever I asked for space (as I'm also a hardcore introvert) my anxiously attached partner immediately thought I was going to cheat. So, I was being accused of cheating left, right, and center - that it was impossible to ask for alone time. Eventually, I burnt out and ended the relationship. I'm so terrified of this happening again, that I don't ever want to get into a relationship again. Hoping to heal this stuff.

[@trustyourself-ashleyching3646]

An expectation is what someone else has to do. A boundary is what the person has to do.

[@B_27]

Fearful avoidant here. The issue I have is that when I'm in a relationship, I feel as if I _owe_ it to the other person to fulfil their needs and if I don't, I'm not holding up my end of the bargain and I hate myself for it. I think that if I'm not willing to put myself out for them, that means I'm selfish and I don't deserve to be in a relationship. If I'm not able to meet my partner's needs then they won't want to be in a relationship with me and will eventually leave. Of course, I always beat them to it, convinced that I'm doing them a favour and they'd be better off without me.

[@TheOneTrueAJ]

Love how you said "none of you ever repeat this anywhere" on a public KZbin video with 13k+ views. 😆 Another goldmine of information. Great work.

[@godsproperty2167]

When you spoke about fantasies: Dreams work the same way, it's never about the things you see it's the feelings you have and the deep emotion/s felt during the dream that tells you what is going on on a conscious level in your life.

[@bloomnbury7387]

Wow! I am an AA and with my AD ex this resonates so much. I wish I could tell her this but now we've gone no contact and it's not my job to tell her that. I wish she didn't make me feel so disgusted and unwanted .

[@kevinkurgansky4479]

i relate to what you wrote a lot, especially with the feeling of being unwanted and disgusted. I tried to communicate that to my ex who is a DA to approach things differently and made a request for her to have more courtesy / warmth / “bedside manner” in handling things like that so that it wouldn’t continue to impact me in the way discussed above You said your ex is AD? Did u😊 mean DA? Or is there a version of it that’s like this AA = anxious attachment AD = avoidant dismissive

[@bloomnbury7387]

@@kevinkurgansky4479 yes actually I misspelt it. How did it go with your ex?

[@gigiemma3192]

I hate being a fearful avoidant. I feel so bipolar at times. My partner is pretty secure I'd say but sometimes I feel stressed and I just want out even though he didn't do anything particular to make me feel this way. It's like I'm constantly looking for reasons to why he might leave me or fall out of love with me, or how he might be toxic for me or I for him so I'm trying to move on while being in a relationship with him. It's so exhausting. He has a lot of patience with me and I try to tell him all of these fantasies and fears as a way of "exposing" myself because that's what I'm most afraid of. Can anyone relate? 💀

[@ladyEluna]

That's great that you're aware, trying to communicate and have a supportive partner. I wish you all the healing, strength and consistency you need to shift this pattern so you and your partner can fully enjoy the love you share. My ex partner shares the same pattern as you, unfortunately he is currently unwilling to see it, take care of it, get the support he needs so even if I know he's hurting, and I have a lot of patience, and tried to get him to communicate needs and set boundaries(when he checked out)...it all blew up out of the blue, when things (I realise apparently) were great, never had a fight, felt on the same wavelength, went on on 3 weeks journey together in my van.. then he left, suddenky and abruptly..we had a short push pull dynamic, then I had (sadly) to enforce my own boundaries and go no contact. Even if it's the healthy thing to do, it left a heartbreak it's taking a while to heal

[@SLCKaled]

Wow the distinction between boundaries and expectations was priceless

[@just_natii]

The fearful-avoidant Coffee break🤣🤣🤣 so good! Iam absolutly an fearful-avoidant, because i have exactly the thinking about leaving the relationship and then i have all my freedom back, and in the same time in i think i must give up all my needs to make sure that my partner stay with me...so thanks so much for your advice that all are dreams are a window to what we need and need to adapt i relationships. You are as always GREAT Heidi!

[@juisjuis551]

I recon don't leave out secures because listening what that's like is like modelling in some way. So it would be helpful to give examples and metaphors for secure types as well. (For the benefit of the other types not secure)

[@maureenponderosa1904]

Fearful Avoidant with Anxious tendencies when triggered here….agree 100% with the constant dichotomy of feeling free but alone when not in a relationship, and comforted yet unseen/unheard/not my own person in a relationship 🥺 I know my relationship with boundaries needs to improve but for me, since I lean anxious, I fear my alone time in a relationship and place meaning on it that my partner will lose interest if I’m not around and trying to fulfill their needs. Or that we will inevitably drift apart, they will forget about me. I don’t typically fantasize about leaving the relationship, that seems like more of a dismissive leaning tendency. I tend to overthink and go into action mode and try to fix things. I do super appreciate you differentiating that a boundary is something I do, an expectation is something I expect the other person to do. I think I’ve been masquerading my expectations as boundaries, so that’s helpful to keep in mind!

[@littleBrownDwarf]

The last part really rang true for me as a FA. One thing that makes it exceptionally more difficult to set boundaries though is sex. Once I get into a sexual relationship, the intense desire for frequent sex tends to make me lose track of my priorities and boundaries until I get overwhelmed feeling like I have lost myself and need to get out of the relationship. I will accommodate the partners schedule while ignoring my own, skipping meetups with friends, work events, gym time, etc. in large part to ensure sufficient time for sex. And then especially when the sex drive wears off after the first few months I am left with few boundaries.

[@MoPoppins]

RE: Camera positioning issues You could create a cutout of yourself, or substitute whatever else that could serve as a stand-in for you while you get your camera set up, and once you’ve got your focus locked in, just replace your inanimate stand-in w/ yourself.

[@malna-malna]

I don't always agree with your takes on anxious attachment but this here was very helpful, thank you

[@preciousmousse]

Videos on secure attachment help as confirmation a lot to those of us who've mostly healed!

[@milarepa1234567]

I know I haven't had a secure attachment style because the concept of Mirroring is big revelation to me. To communicate with another person using mirroring is a whole new skill I need to learn! I have not done that with other people consciously, but I think I've mirrored accidentally with people who are similar to me in their communication style.

[@tammyb6201]

Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families is an amazing thing for attachment issues. I attended weekly for 2 years. It addresses the foundational things related to attachment so you get a much better understanding of yourself, which allows you to forgive yourself for things that were not your fault to begin with. I have been in therapy for most of my adult life and none of it was as effective for healing as was ACA. It is a 12 step thing like AA, similar format. I highly recommend! And it's free and speaking in the group is optional.

[@dannybenhur6123]

Man I didn't know there's a whole science behind the relationships, these concepts are accurate and real. Good one Heidi

[@xelence420]

Where I’m at is just now realizing (34 years old) what my deal is. I start therapy next week. Really glad to have found these videos. Thank you.

[@ryancowell9382]

The whole Anxious section was all about my last several months. I'd been trying to talk to this guy and flirt but with everything else I deal with and my struggle with self-soothing, it's been an uphill struggle. I am so grateful in past videos you've talked about self-accountability 'cuz it's helped a lot, but this video really helped me pinpoint ideas of how to crystallize the concept of boundaries and how I can refine them while being Anxiously attached. Also, that it would be good to talk to my therapist more about ME, and that's okay to voice what MY needs are to learn how to self soothe. Thank you :3

[@Taurian_]

Every one of your videos is amazing and a gift. This one, however, is especially a banger

[@AznShoe94]

I'm an anxious ENFP and I find myself struggling with learning my boundaries and figuring out my needs from a relationship. This video helped me understand boundaries more, but I'm still trying to understand how to apply it. I also find myself struggling to understand the needs I want from a relationship.

[@rebeccacharlton4597]

Your explaination of fearful avoidant literally made my jaw drop. That truth hit deep and made so much sense to me. Just wow. I can see why you needed coffee beforehand. 😂

[@Dd94949]

Wow. So I spent the better part of a decade obsessed with and performing sad folk music, and you just cracked that unconscious code!! To be fair, I figured out a few years ago it was super unhealthy...but I acted out that fantasy unknowingly for a very long time. I imagine that might be the unconscious motivation of a lot of artists! Their art is a way of simultaneously saying "look at me! but also don't look at me!" Yikes!

[@louisdoberman6652]

Heidi- this video is so helpful and insightful, thank you! I am in a way anxiously attached guy who has been recently dumped by a DA partner. Classical issues with both of us self regulating, exiting, coming back, no boundaries from my end and multiple exits from hers till she broke up with me. Wish I’d known better while in the relationship. It’s devastating and a never ending work. Your video helps set some guidelines to self improvement , albeit I am too frustrated to even think about a new relationship… Thanks Heidi , you’re just amazing, please keep doing these videos , they’re so helpful ❤ **And yes… you look more beautiful with the brown hair😊

[@jmaessen3531]

These explanations are blowing my mind and I think I'm in a stage where I can practice and grow more *securely attached over time. Holy smokes! Thank you!

[@shabnamsiddique7935]

I believe I have tendancies of all 3 insecure attachment styles when it comes to boundaries. I'm primarily anxiously attached, so I relate to that. But then again I seem to have developed both dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant tendancies specifically with my family. Ofc I don't have all the tendancies of all 3 styles, but a mix and match of them. This video really helped me break it down Heidi. Thank you so much for sharing your insight.

[@lizzzarduh]

Me too

[@dann8558]

Typically, no one has traits from only one attachment type. Usually we have traits from more than one type, but have MORE traits from one type than all others.

[@tessknudsen8208]

Excellent video! Being married to an avoidant and being anxious myself, I'd like to see videos on how to co-exist peacefully 🙂

[@zduke1498]

“Glorified ghosting protocols” 😂 fact

[@trez6465]

Fearful avoidance (also known as dis-organized avoidance)… is so accurate

[@Slipping_thru_the_Seams]

your content is a game changer. tysm

[@cort9692]

I'm constantly blown away by how well you explain these things and how razor-sharp the accuracy is. ACK I am SEEN!

[@MatrixRC]

I’ve seen a couple of your videos not in order but this one was very helpful. I’ve been told so many terms I never really understood what boundaries and expectations were truly. And never really applied it. But I kept digging until a light bulb went off in my head and now I see I’ve been very selfish and controlling. Well I’m happy now. I’ve got a lot of work to do and I’m better for it. New subscriber. I’m definitely going to share.

[@laurenparnell2483]

Oh boy. I resonate a lot with the FA section, especially about exit fantasies. And its not just personal relationship, but in my career as well. Will have to explore what unmet needs those fantasies are signaling. And here I was thinking I was mostly DA. Excellent video, Heidi. Thank you!

[@amandawitman]

Great video. Thank you so much. (I'm an INFJ who loves seeing ENFPs thrive, so yay, you!) Would you consider giving those of us who are not Secure some examples, models, or even scripts for how Secure people function that could potentially help us get closer to that healthy ideal? Walk us through it like we have absolutely zero idea what you are talking about, because chances are many of us truly don't. What does Secure look like and how can we get there?

[@amandawitman]

And one more thing that might be outside your scope, but I'm going to ask anyway: For those of us Anxious and Anxious-Avoidant types who are aware enough to recognize when we need alone time and motivated to negotiate it, but are surrounded by children at various stages whose needs come first sometimes or always, how can you get what you need when you have an 18-plus-year parenting contract on one or multiple kids? Sorry, that's a trick question -- sometimes you can't, especially when you are a single parent or your partner is an underfunctioner. So the real question is, what can you do to not lose yourself entirely when it's not possible for you to get your needs met (for alone time, for example)?

[@PaulinaHerrie]

@@amandawitman Not an expert at all, but I have 8 siblings. And what my mom would do when we were kids, and she was feeling exhausted, was to tell us as it was: that she needed alone time and rest, and she would take it while we played all together. Trust me, we were fine. Children are resilient and smart. Young adults too. However, I think that it would have helped me not to develop as an avoidant if she had given me more context as to why exactly she was so tired. In the back of my mind, I thought that it was because of us - since taking care of so many people is not an easy task. This was partly true, but it was not really the whole picture. So, perhaps being more explicit with what's happening to you, whilst making it clear to your kids that it's not their responsibility to fix it, might help your needs and their understanding of the situation. Good luck and take care! ✨

[@LeadersHQ-1]

spending time getting centered.... nice... that is what we all need to do!! thanks

[@amberv4223]

I have a friend who I think is avoidant. She does the ghosting thing for months at a time. It's hurtful but I know she gets overwhelmed so I do want to allow her that space.

[@gayleneflower398]

As long as they’re not cheating, because they’re DAs are known 4cheating

[@rainbowkitschen6442]

I have the Champagne Problems fantasy too! 😂 Except instead of singing along, you get close-ups of all these people nodding compassionately. Analyzing the little details in my fantasies has been really helpful in figuring out what I actually need because they tend to be pretty consistent even if the general idea changes. Anyway, great video!

[@claravda2131]

Thanks - this is so helpful. I left a marriage because I believed I couldn’t honour my own needs in a relationship, when my kids were small, I used to fantasise about having a non serious reason to be hospitalised for a few days to take a break…

[@cardinal_thrill5]

Thanks for this vid. I’ve been looking for how to bring up my needs (I’m avoidant) with my partner. I’m always scared it’ll be turned into a fight and easier to just leave it. I like the way you show how to have this communication in a constructive and positive way, which is what I want!!

[@Hippowdon121]

Oh my god the part about fearful-avoidant fantasies is so true oh my god

[@susanharkema2888]

Girrrlll...14 minutes in...the layers of emotions for fearful avoidant are SO hard to sort through. I can't get in touch with what I want in order to set a boundary. What a confusing mess for sure! Wonderful video that I haven't seen by others. Thank you. I would love a hot steaming mug of fearful avoidant, please! LOL Ahhh...you summarized boundaries in relationship (none) and looking for every exit is SPOT on. Chronic fantasies of leaving every acquaintance/friendship....WOW. This is the first time I've heard it said so well.

[@katedhotman9282]

Could you do some videos on reparenting work? Exercises etc. Thank you so much for your videos, they're SO helpful!

[@tracythomson2604]

Wow! This one is big! Bravo to you Heidi for discovering this at a young age. I am 59 and just today seeing how this makes sense (I have been fearful of 'marriage' since I was a kid) - it looked to me like a TRAP! I am now gaining a better understanding of why I do the things I do. :-) thanks!

[@matt-g-recovers]

I am sure the online test was correct and confirm im fearful avoidant that leans anxious. I know you say that many people think they are but are not, but every time you talk about the nuances of the fearful avoidant you are describing me perfectly.

[@davidsisson2026]

what makes Heidi Priebe relavent to me is she communicates her ideas well. Love to hear her.

[@lgroves336]

"WHATEVER" is the best compound word in the English language to COPE with life.

[@tess7798]

Thank you. I don’t think I would be able to see myself clearly and start to heal without your videos.

[@jandostalik6290]

You are such a great Heidi! I´m learning so much from you, I´m most probably just dealing with fearful avoidant partner, our relationship was so intense and than suddenly like a flesh from heaven text message: "I don´t want relationship" and suddenly everything is cold, rational... I had to back off from that, but I wrote her summary about what actually fearful avoidant attachment is, maybe it will help her, maybe not, but you definitelly helped me to understand what´s going on, thanks again!

[@Happywholy]

One of your most brilliant helpful videos yet Heidi.

[@peterboutillette5124]

Heidi! I really admire and appreciate in the beginning how you included your reference to your sources and your honesty in your own level of education in the field. Kudos to a true scientist.

[@hanyieh6467]

Wow your the best ❤ I'm starting to know myself better

[@christinaforras]

RE the description, I watch these even though my attachment style is secure! Thank you! ❤

[@stephanieg4950]

When u said validating your emotions...i felt this big void. And fear. Like a vortex. And wow mirroring! Never had this experience. It feels so awful. So minimizing. No wonder i squash that flat and run from that conversation. Wow the validating is on the other side of the boundary. Hm. Also realizing i have no power over others' reactions and need to valiadate my own emotions. So that s what showing up for myself is. I am usually disregulated and disempowered. I see how stuck i am. Wow. I can feel the belief im scared of the world and scared of pple s disapproval and defenses. No wonder many therapisrs say my body is always in fight- flight mode. That s why i attract gaslighters and liars. Coz i do it to myself to seal myself in a safety box. Yes slink away unnoticed!!! Haha. Wow to be heard and listened to. That ll be the day. What a beautiful thought that someone cares and wants to invest in that/me. Def an FA.

[@Healingpawsss]

Haha omg!! I relate to the description of the FA soo much! 😄

[@heatherv3515]

Wow, this is really helpful. I've been through years of therapy for trauma I've had since childhood, where it was very obvious how avoidant I was about pretty much everything. I never really investigated attachment theory much, probably bc most of what I heard was from very obviously anxious attached people who used it as more of a justification of why they needed to never have boundaries hahah. Looking at your videos although my external behaviour is very avoidant, I don't resonate with the emotional experience you describe. I feel like I'm avoidant BECAUSE I have anxious attachment. I never really wanted to admit that because when I hear about anxious attachment or see people rushing to relationships when they're upset I'm like 'huh?!', but I do get so overwhelmed by emotions and have trouble soothing myself, but I just don't trust any other person to be able to help me. So I just kind of exist in this isolated chaos haha. I'm pursuing this now bc I've been single for so so so long, and have not wanted to be for basically all of that time but also avoid relationships like the plague. Sigh. Your videos on limerance really helped me understand that through all those years I've been able to fulfill my need for a romantic relationship with limerance. I have to laugh bc its like the perfect way to embody anxious attachment avoidantly. I really love the way you talk about using fantasies for self knowledge. I think it really validates how these strategies develop instead of making people feel like they're foolish or unwell. Although I don't have a romantic relationship yet, using what my limerant fantasies were telling me I wanted, I started pursuing a different kind of work and with that most of the limerance eased off as I've been focusing on that, and it has felt so good.

[@liakh.2539]

You know yourself best, but it sounds to me like you might be fearful-avoidant. I could obviously be wrong, but it would align with everything you mentioned from not trusting others to soothe you, staying out of relationships but having extreme limerence to the very intense emotions.

[@ninaportoc]

omg that picking up a fight as an anxiously attached is so true!! thank you so much for this video

[@tammywoslager1557]

Great information, needs to be listened to in chunks. Especially if you are an avoidant and have to wait until the second half to learn about you! 🤭

[@chrismcevoy2503]

I have an Avoidant Attachment Style Heidi because I’m fearful of rejection.

[@Gopher755]

I’m realizing we anxious people aren’t going to heal until we drop the judgement of avoidants. It’s directly in the way.

[@kevinkurgansky4479]

Tell me more. How so? Explain. I just did a great shadow work exercise today on what it is about avoidants that we judge / resent on thais channel for personal development school. Very good.

[@Gopher755]

@@kevinkurgansky4479 hi Kevin, I’m traveling from Oregon back to Michigan as my dad is very ill and dying. I take your question seriously as it’s nice to know I’m not the only guy obsessed with psych and relationship styles. My goal is simple: find a healthy relationship or be alone. I have five platonic female friends and my bros. If I had to get no sex for the rest of my life to void an unhappy relationship I’d take that deal, I’ll try to look for your response as I hope you have more insight.

[@Gopher755]

@@kevinkurgansky4479 first, I’m anxious so stats show we end up together a lot so it would be better to understand why a particular avoidant is the way they are. Set not working with you to work things out. Some space but a negotiated limit as often avoidance hope you’ll just forget. If the avoidant commits to healing and you commit to healing I think I could love an avoidant again provided they were self aware and committed to healing. Being avoidant can’t be an easy life. I have empathy. If they aren’t willing or able to do the work then for their sake and yours the relationship should end. But keep in mind it’s no more avoidants fault that was their wound any more than it’s my fault I have an anxious wound.

[@danielmann8194]

Thank you for explaining (major parts of) my relationship experience to me. These videos are awesome! They go hand in hand with what I'm doing and learning in my therapy.

[@amyaitapata6155]

Oh, OUCH. Uncommunicated boundaries = "glorified ghosting protocols." I cringed AND yelped when I heard that. Complete bullseye. Like... stop shining that spotlight on me. It's too bright.

[@matt-g-recovers]

AA, Al-Anon and it's community have great resources

[@chrisjames2766]

This is brilliantly articulated. Thank you for your practical wisdom. Much needed and appreciated.

[@chrisl6169]

You are very well spoken, Heidi for such a young age. There’s a lot of wisdom & insight in your presentation!! Great job.

[@russellermatinger]

You are the teacher that gave me the most so quick. Great

[@michaelcale272]

Great stuff/ I visualize how I would live without my spouse often due unfulfilled wants or needs

[@Eduardo_Music8560]

Hello Heidi Priebi, good evening! This is the first time I post on one of your videos. It was fantastic, congratulations for your work. About five days ago, I found another video of yours on KZbin. You have a good talent to tell and explain your ideas about human interactions, as well as social behaviors. Greetings from Sonora, México, which is a border state with Arizona, USA. See you next time, bye-bye 👋🤗.

[@kloebl10]

Anxious attachment here. U articulate this so well.

[@ashleymccracken]

you make wonderful videos. I can not take the amount of ads in them.

[@NoticeMeSenpaiii]

Oh no, I might be a fearful avoidant. My mom was definitely a fearful avoidant, and it was always infuriating watching her constantly self-sabotage. I refused to be the same way. I thought I was a dismissive avoidant, but this video makes it pretty clear that I'm worse off than I thought. Edit: I'm also so angry at my mom for not providing the emotional support and stability that a mom is supposed to provide. Can anyone recommend resources for healing this?

[@c_larsen]

Hi, got the following book recommended (haven't yet read it myself so cannot speak from own experience about it): John Bradshaw: Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child

[@NoticeMeSenpaiii]

@@c_larsen I'll look into that. Thanks for sharing!!

[@tammyb6201]

ACA, Adult Children Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. Google search meetings in your area.

[@Ennpey]

Another mind-blowing video, Heidi! Thank you! I wish they taught this in schools, I'm sure people would make something out of this information and we would all be more balanced :D #dream

[@ranikster9955]

Thank you so much. I can see now how I am anxious in relationships. Not being in contact or feeling disconnected is hard.

[@Jupiter6610]

Eye opening resonance with the anxious attachment challenges. This was a mystery of my boundary setting confusion that has been revealed, thank you! One question I have as an INFJ is if it could be possible that I am not actually very self aware of my emotions until I see them in others, that is how I become aware of them and can then figure out their message. How can I identify my emotions through Fe without an external source to resonate with? Or are there external sources to reflect my emotions back to me that are not people?

[@user-dq1su1td8v]

This video needs more likes! One of the best ones I’ve seen yet!

[@unboundfitfound]

REALLY GOOD! Apparently I’m a Fearful Avoidant as the behavior you describe fits me to a T. 😬. LOVE the solution of bringing a fantasy into a relationship & to make a point to share it & GET the underlying need met. 🙏♥️

[@chrismcevoy2503]

I have a fantasy Heidi where I’m on the soap opera General Hospital because it’s my favorite daytime drama.

[@lasv69]

I love your ability to communicate this information so clearly and succinctly Heidi. Thank you!

[@LisaGramlich]

Thanks so much for all of your videos! Would love to have 1 specifically about an anxious attachment in relationship with a avoidant attachment--and strategies for healthy communication/navigating relationship/creating positive change within that relationship to move towards more secure. Wonder if same sex couples haves same level of attachment issues as hetero couples??

[@paulmatson661]

Heidi, this video kicked all the ass! Nice to know I'm not the only one who has fantasies about singing Taylor Swift songs (can't sign worth a damn, either). I'd love to see you talk about how different styles might misidentify as another style, or even how different style relationship dynamics might lead to confusion about one's own style. You touched on this with the avoidants and their assumption that they're good with boundaries (I feel a lot of avoidants can come off as secure at first glance). Your insight into not only the different styles but also the self-reflection and growth work likely required to get there and proceed accordingly, would be brilliant. FWIW, I think plenty of secure types would really enjoy your videos, if only to increase their understanding and empathy for the other styles.

[@normabarker8958]

I have a fearful avoidant coffee every morning. 😂

[@DanBurns89]

What a great overview regarding how all four attachment styles engage with the idea of boundaries. We related and found it insightful.

[@jennw6809]

Wow. The highlight of my karaoke experiences was when I got up and belted out Radiohead "Creep" and the crowd sang along with me. I didn't think I related to them until then. But it's the fearful avoidant theme song, isn't it????

[@lindadunn8787]

Thank you. You're right. This is really, really hard work.

[@zionnoel]

Wow. Thank you. :) So good to reflect on these things and learn about who I am created to be -- free, authentic, capable, passionate, believing. ❤️

[@linettechu1106]

I love the video. Thank you so much for providing clarity on what our fantasies are telling us. You mentioned we can even go on vacations by ourselves. But, wouldn't that be disrespectful to your partner or cause your partner to feel you don't really want to be with him/her?

[@lilyneva]

I feel that besides intimate relationships that obviously consists of recurring contact, and formal relationships where you need to keep being in contact, there also the relationships that have either not become close or intimate yet, or that may be formal relationships but without there being a consistency to them yet. I feel these are the kinds of situations I am often in - - situations where it would greatly benefit me to be able to manage an emotional interaction and assert myself in the moment, but where the emotionally heightened charge of the interaction activates me into a C-PTSD flashback, making me regress and respond like a child, placating the other person excessively and withdrawing and in the process abandoning my inner child and any needs I might have. It seems impossible for me to give my boundaries a voice in these situations, not just because I am so activated but also because more often than not it seems the other person is also to some extent agitated with a narrow perspective. I have definitely experienced trying to calmly apply NVC in these situations and being denied by the other person even the option to come back to the conversation later. Obviously, this isn’t right or appropriate but it happens often, and I haven’t come across material that speaks to how to defuse situations like this, that may even escalate the more I, the activated fawning person, try to defuse it.