The Avoidant Ghosted, Will They Come Back | Do THIS

[@mercyveritas1125]

When they ghost you, grief them and don't disturb the dead

[@deeholmes9743]

When people ghost, they aren't able to show up for you in the way you need them to.

[@chrismaxwell1624]

That's true. If I ghost someone typically in shutdown for day or two or worse full on autistic burn out. In those time it's extremely difficult to text, call or email. To me I'm not ghosting, I will get back a person in day to 3 months and be like it was yesterday for me. My wife understands it but it's hard on friends who don't understand it.

[@mercyveritas1125]

@@chrismaxwell1624 Get your stuff together and stop being weak. It's easy to text back and say you need some time for yourself

[@PaigeHermence-c4h]

They’re barely even able to show up for themselves let alone anyone else. Honestly they deserve to be single.

[@Warrior_Princess_1111]

​@@mercyveritas1125 did you just call someone with autism weak? You really need to check yourself and quit projecting on someone for sharing their thoughts.

[@walkertranger5746]

@@chrismaxwell1624please get counseling and help It worked for me I know it’s difficult

[@Luis913Barroeta]

The boomerang effect is SOO TRUE, my avoidant ex never liked/replied to my IG stories during the relationship, but post break up has done it multiple times, and always watches stories right away lol 💯

[@andreasimon1060]

Yep! My avoidant ex would ghost me from communicating over the phone but always be the first one to watch my FB and IG stories. and then when I call him out on his behavior…. CRICKETS!

[@sifublack192]

I used to get ghosted all the time in college. My coach at the time taught me to never take it personal and let them come to you when they were ready. He also said to see other people in the meantime. Funny, the people who ghosted me ALWAYS came back, particularly when they saw me with someone else. In fact, I even had this one girl who rejected AND ghosted me come back VERY strongly. I say all that to say that everything Thais is saying in this video is correct. If someone ghosts you, it's best to go no contact, go on dates with other people, and let the person who ghosted you do 100% of the calling, texting, and pursuing. It makes life MUCH easier.

[@MissJen-78]

Big surprise, they will ghost you again! Stay away from them. They simply need a quick fix of attention to fuel their narcissistic tendencies. Save yourself the grief, don’t let them come back into your life.

[@1990alone]

I got ghosted for 8 months before she came back just to say she wanted to talk to me and then disappear again. I'd been waiting three weeks for her to reply a message till I just gave up and blocked her everywhere. The going got tough, and I'm not tough.

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

You're smart.

[@IsabelSmith31]

This is actually affirming. Because it's sticking the avoidant to their behavior, but compassionately. It's asking them to rise to the ocassion without resentment but a desire to respect and love oneself and the other. It is Inspiring.

[@eg1620]

This is a really good video. Thank you Thais. It is helpful and healthy to be told that no matter what the avoidant is going through, you need to put yourself first. Repeated ghosting gets more painful, not less. People who do this are very wounded but it is not my job, or yours, to sacrifice ourselves to soothe them. They need to be able to reflect, take responsibility, and make a commitment to change, and then do it. Otherwise, everything they are avoiding will be offloaded onto their partner to be felt 10 fold. Relationships should support your nervous system, not wreck it.

[@louielambbullet]

Embrace God and no one will be hurt, Love yourself, Don’t chase and Don’t stop being a good person.

[@gigglecompass1]

Why would you want to even be with someone who ghosted you?

[@maryjoolson344]

Depends on why they ghosted

[@migueld5227]

I think avoidants are actually cowards. I dated one for 7 years and went through a 3 year break up. From day one every time there was the slightest conflict she would discard me and disappear for days and weeks, coming back like nothing happened. Obviously it built up a mountain of resentment. No matter what I tried I could not get her to resolve the slightest conflict with me. She is still running away and drowning herself with alcohol. They are cowards in my opinion.

[@LeeChrissy]

She doesn't sound like a coward. She sounds unhealed and troubled if she drowning herself with alcohol. You have the opportunity to not deal with this woman at all. Maybe do that? Staying focused on her won't help you heal from this.

[@derrick.crawford1005]

They use words like, I seek peace when reality that means they take no accountability.

[@tarkov_6]

​@Littleowl85352 not always the case when someone is stuck expecting people to act the same

[@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life]

​@@tarkov_6 can't the same logic be applied to the partner of an avoidant?

[@tarkov_6]

@SunshineAndSnowflakes sure, we all view people from our own point of view. The difference being, can you take into account who the other person is and how have they specifically acted previously with you. That is something some insecure people seem to struggle with. I don't want to hate the DA I know, but they acted similar to people who have hated me in the past, but the DA specifically has not been mean to me or other people previously.

[@KatieMillar-cq3zs]

It’s almost a compliment, they liked you so much it triggered them. Doesn’t make it right or fair though.

[@NeanderthalNatty]

How about this? Don't come back, pleeeease pleeeeease dont come back.

[@PaigeHermence-c4h]

I don’t think they’re going to like what I have to say if they do… 😂

[@pocobueno1]

It would be interesting to understand why people keep hanging on to unsuccessful relationships.

[@clarisefeliciano1743]

Dealing with someone like this. He ghosted me the first time, 3 months later came back and finally wanting to get to know me etc.. after a month, we gotten closer , he began to pull away then ghosted again. I even asked what’s going on and told him I’ve noticed he is pulling away and it would be nice of he can tell me so there’s no confusion and misunderstanding. He txted few hrs after that and said “ we can talk soon” i just said ok. But haven’t heard from him. Got no balls to be honest and communicate. Gave him a chance and he blew it.

[@reneehaynes8289]

Yeah. It's exhausting and sad but it gets old. I'm glad that you didn't continue to put up with it.

[@EmpressMMK]

Amazing video that explained so much and gave me such clarity, thank you, been dealing with this & its literally broken my ❤

[@gamble6830]

God forbid people just acted like a fucking adult and used words to communicate, gah shit pisses me off so fuckin much! Just talk it's not hard! Ffs

[@Savage_Thinker]

100% this i was constantly asking her to talk to me like an adult. And somehow that was asking too much

[@gamble6830]

@Savage_Thinker yeah it's so wild because in all my experience a person would be like oh we need to communicate but then wouldn't just straight up have an adult conversation and not talking and ghosting was easier for them. (Insert Jackie chan meme)

[@GeoffreyAngapa]

When someone gives up the ghost, say a good eulogy at the funeral!

[@randallcrawford1463]

Compassion is a good guide. I suffer from idiot Compassion, as a teacher once told me. The bonding occurring from intermittent + reinforcement and a good dose of shaming.

[@sherrymshephard-massat5929]

So, are we saying that the avoidant ghosts you because he has feelings for you, but is afraid to be vulnerable and that makes him run away or disappear? And why doesn't the avoidant realize that he or she has a problem? Or, do they realize they have a problem and just doesn't want to deal with it to the point where they can blame the breakup/the ghosting on the other party?

[@PaigeHermence-c4h]

I’m so sick of the victim mentality. Just grow up. Everyone else needs to deal with their trauma or emotional abuse- I just don’t have any space left to be a mind reader as well as a parent to my so called partner. These people are abusive

[@PaigeHermence-c4h]

@@dave2262 and see I have compassion but my whole life has been working through my childhood trauma. I was severely abused in physical ways and I have fought every day to work through it. The one thing I don’t have any tolerance for is “victims.” If I had to work through it- so do you. Stop impacting other people because you won’t do the work. My ex had trauma from childhood but if you knew my story you wouldn’t understand how I’m still alive. I’ve had 38 pelvic surgeries just to try to fix the internal damage caused. My ex weaponised this against me so I should feel sorry for them. I just don’t have any space for people so unwilling to do the work- I’m sure you’ve had to work through your own past- why does your ex get a free pass? While I find this woman insightful into explaining avoidance- I do get very frustrated on how easily the lines of explaining/empathising is to rationalise abuse. Let’s label it what it is. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this- I truly hope you can compartmentalise it and push the responsibility back onto who it belongs- her! Sending you so much support

[@beasmarty]

guess im an abuser now been there too and know it sucks, but i'd rethink the language choice in light of legitimate abuse

[@PaigeHermence-c4h]

@@beasmarty how do you know it’s not what you call “legitimate abuse” although wow… what’s legitimate abuse sorry? Please explain

[@beasmarty]

@@PaigeHermence-c4h buckle your seatbelt... big hugs, think you'll get it now; you got this. but basically (a synopsis): *the intent to cause harm or knowingly act with habitual intimidation, cruelty or control that is not based in another's personal difficulty expressed passively, that is to say not at all*

[@walkertranger5746]

It’s emotionally & mentally abusive

[@lilove6560]

Appreciating this perspective and slight shift in presentation: he attached to me - that says a lot about how wonderful I am!

[@uhhhwhut]

You're still giving him a lot of power with this mindset. You're wonderful regardless of his attachment to you.

[@lilove6560]

Good point. I need to stop looking at him on a pedestal. We’re still in NC and I’m glad for this status.

[@russd3029]

The win/win aspect helps me in easing the sting of it not working out but on the flip side knowing I'm still growing.

[@lemylyhwh2585]

What hurts the most is that I got ghosted after we had relations. I thought everything was good until she stopped calling and messaging me. 😢 I called and messaged her numerous times until she eventually blocked me. A friend then sent me a picture of her with someone else on one of her social media accounts. The shame, guilt and embarrassment that I feel is so overwhelming. I poured my all into this person just for them to get what they wanted and vanish 😢

[@BarleyEditingLife]

shes ghosting me after a 3 year relationship brokeed up twice and took all the fur babies with her i still love her till this day but she lost all her feelings towards me and im heartbroken because i didnt lose feellings for her i dont think i ever will 😭

[@Birdiegirl_eth]

Ur best vid your professional KZbin growth is great to see > you spoke slower and not too much videos this was perfect

[@firstnamelastname-ve9gj]

excellent video thank you!

[@CassyG-xo2dm]

I asked my long distance ex if we could meet for coffee and as friends - no expectations. He said he doesn’t think it’s a good idea and that he doesn’t think friends is for us. I don’t know what to do? I’m Heartbroken. I just want to talk to him

[@leehalloway8787]

Why want to talk to someone who doesn't want to talk to you?

[@guillermogarcia302]

Just curious. Are there any examples of successful relationships after a prolonged ghosting? Or does the cycle repeat itself over and over? After a 9-month breakup/separation, I needed to reach out to her for a professional matter. That text resulted in a reunion and her admitting that she never got over me. For three weeks, we were torrid lovers. Then, suddenly, she ghosts again. Although I still love her, I am moving on and seeing other women. The pain and uncertainty is too much. SMH, this is the craziest thing.

[@allisonbergeron1929]

Im too emotional....want too much time together....came on too strong....its very paunful. So hes gone.

[@anon660]

Totally agree about the ghosting aka No Contact. People who ghost are immature. It’s not the same as stating that the relationship is over for xyz. It’s terrible to see online pseudo-therapists trying to make a buck with “get your ex back by ghosting or going No Contact”.

[@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life]

Immature? Well depends. If someone shows signs that they will be unwilling to accept a break up or any type of unhealthy behavior then sometimes they don't feel emotionally safe to have a full discussion. If everything is hunky dory (which it rarely is) and they disappear then that's different. Either way...if people wanna go they can go. There's nothing we can do about it.

[@anon660]

@@Littleowl85352 Truth is always best. No contact is done by people who haven’t learned how to communicate properly. They avoid hard conversation with excuses, e.g. It was kinder, easier, whatever- when it’s simply a desire to avoid adulting.

[@StuffSayoSays]

​@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life Exactly! My ex bf requested some time for himself after months of me asking for an hour a week to talk. (We're in a long distance relationship) I know he really wanted his own time and independence so I try not to bother him my wants and needs in the relationship, cause after months of trying he just kept getting further and further away, stone walling me and pushing me away. But apparently an hour a week is till hard for him and can't commit, so when he asked for a month for himself, despite how upset I was I gave it to him. But then lo and behold, after 2 weeks he just txted me that he's breaking up with me with no explanation, and a bunch of sorry excuses, then tells me don't call him. I texted back, wanted to fix things, I wanted to see if we can work it out, I tried calling but no answer. Not until the next day when I said that I'll fly over to him and get plane tickets asap. His reply was he doesn't want to see me, to hear me, or anything of sorts. So a text is all he can do right now. He can't even give me the closure of a proper call break up. Then he says we can be friends. Which annoyed me so I told him no. I wish him well, and that he recovers but I can't see him as a friend and then I blocked him in all socials and removed him from all my contacts. Why does he get to tell me he wants to be friends when he kept pushing me away and I tried everything in my power to mend, fix, and hold on this relationship? So far it's been 2 weeks since No Contact. It wasn't an easy start since I really did love him and is willing to do anything to work on our relationship. But now I'm healing, reflecting and learning about attachment styles. I don't want him back. But if he does find a way to contact me, all I'm sending him is to read the book 'Attached" and read up on different attachment styles. In hopes that his future relationships don't end up like ours.

[@maxiver808]

@@Littleowl85352 The truth...always. Mostly because if its something that I can fix I would like to know.

[@Freudster21]

@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_LifeMost of us here were in something seemingly healthy, going smooth, and “honky dory”. There wasn’t anger, fights or aggression. It was chill and then they discard with no real reason, it’s all vague and when you try to discuss and understand they just use gas lighting and basically ride out and go ghost. This is why this is so f’d up what they do. Mine even told me when things are going too well she sabotages them and she wanted to work on that. She also told me she has triggers, trauma from before in life she is still working on, and that she shuts down when she gets overwhelmed. Mine literally was describing to me what an avoidant is, but I didn’t know at the time, until I got coldly discarded like 2 years of commitment and intimacy never even happened. It is the 180 they pull with no real communication prior that causes the cognitive dissonance and trauma on us. It is wild

[@wulfclaw4921]

You reading minds now ? GOLD !

[@agentsquish]

It's like you're narrating my life

[@MrSamIAm39]

Twice ghosted for 2 weeks. Returned each time.

[@Tutume1111]

He ghosted me after I said I loved him for the first time to only stalk my social media daily for over 2 years after.He also was sending ❤to my stories but never found the courage to actually contact me and offer me the relationship I always wanted

[@stevetuckey]

I was ghosted 6 weeks ago after 11 years together. Part of me wants my soul mate back, another part of me is wondering how I can forgive taking our dog and blocking every form of contact.

[@CitiesOfAsh]

Forget the woman, get that dog back!

[@tessaburrows3213]

I am in the same position.,, I am both exhausted and confused why I keep doing this. I would love your opinions

[@Sarah40.]

You dont. It will happen again. Don't feed the failure.

[@johnhatch2519]

Should I tell my avoidant partner that I have a dead line on the changes I need to see, or is that too much like an ultimatum?

[@Blaire77]

Took them back for them to ghost again a year later and discard. When he came back he was really certain this time so don’t trust that they always resort back to this behavior if they haven’t worked on themselves.

[@blueg6091]

I truly believe these people don't see wrong. And what they have done. I wonder if we watch your videos together will it make a difference probably not. Smh

[@brownell.landrum]

Mine just came back to me yesterday, pretending that nothing had happened. Here's my reply: In truth, you never really cared that much about me anyway (as you know). But I DID love you. And I really loved loving you. And maybe even more importantly, I loved myself loving you. So at least you can hold that in your heart. Can you guess what he did next?

[@blueg6091]

Ghosted

[@brownell.landrum]

@@blueg6091 Instantly blocked (again). Ironically, I do know he's been following me - I've been doing a ton of interviews on podcasts and KZbin and he's watching them all.

[@BillRWare]

Boo!!!

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

He took the attachment style quiz (from this channel) and told me he was anxious preoccupied. I think he lied to me about his attachment style. I'm fearful avoidant and he brought out my anxious side. Yeah, he basically just went cold and cut off all communication. I don't know why I care.

[@dentrout9383]

I had to be emotionally available for them even as a child

[@johnhatch2519]

Can I tell my avoidant attachment style partner that evidence indicates that she experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect without triggering ?

[@ryanw903]

This is a great question I also want to know

[@thebirima91]

Bringing it up is a trigger in itself. I decided not to do it unless she ask me to. At times I do call her out with the term ‘dismissive avoidant’ out of frustration because she also behaves like a socially and emotionally underdeveloped adult and draws the blood from under my nails. I guess that makes me quilty of shaming but I try to forgive myself. Example of the latter is that often she doesn’t want to answer the most simple questions. Especially when it is involving the children it is really maddening at times.

[@tamirescaroline5807]

I think I can’t understand when they are deactivating or ghosting 😢

[@danielh.-td9uu]

Will this be relevant to FA? How would it be different?

[@ginasirois2193]

as an FA, our reasons are likely to be different. we leave relationships suddenly when there's 1) breach of trust - even just hitting on someone else hits a BIG wound 2) the relationship is one-sided or we feel burnt out and potentially taken advantage of, or 3) there's not much depth of connection from our partner and it feels empty/boring/insubstantial

[@Fauxtralto]

@@ginasirois2193I’d love to know what you thought about my situation- I left my FA. Because he was saying he had feelings one week and then two weeks later he’s telling me he wants to date this other person at the same time as me and that he’d been talking to her the entire time. He didn’t want things to end but I couldn’t handle being an option after developing feelings. Now he’s with that other girl :/ even tho he hadn’t met up with her for months while talking to me so I didn’t think he was that serious about her but what a ride

[@TheSpacecadette]

I like your advice assuming he is just an avoidant but how do you know that he is just avoidant and not a narcissist?

[@djparamedik]

P.O.S IN MY OPTION

[@JustinThompson-w5m]

Serious question. What if she's a therapist who is an avoidant?

[@PaigeHermence-c4h]

Run

[@RaZX6r6]

So tell me why my DA only reaches out after some “liquid courage “? It’s very disconcerting

[@petitcoeur-q6r]

What if they monkey branch before ghosting you? Does that mean they don’t come back?

[@adyaneliz]

I think they come back if they still has “feelings” or miss all the things you do for them. My daughter's ex ghosted her then came back in 3 weeks saying that this time everything was going to change, that he was going to put in the effort and that he was going to show her that he really wanted to be with her that she was the only one he wanted to be with because he understood that she was the woman for him, he even told her that he was praying for her, that he pray to God that he wanted her in his life again, that he missed her, that he loved her, etc... and she gave him a chance. When they saw each other he told her that he was with someone on a talking stage and that he told the other woman that he wanted to get back with my daughter. It was all for nothing, after one disagreement he ghosted her again it only last 3 weeks, and now it's been a week after the ghosting and today he wrote on his instagram notes “genuinely happy”. Most DA don't see anything wrong on their behavior and they don't care about your feelings they are only for themselves they are very selfish. That means that they can come back after mokey branch but it will always have the same ending. They must really work on themselves.

[@smonaful]

Dr Johnson passed on last month. She was a wonderful presence and invaluable teacher in the world of relationships. Her words and work will always be a part of the foundation of understanding human nature/nurture.

[@allisonbergeron1929]

So then they cant have a long term relationship then? I got dumped after a year.

[@niccolom4556]

I got ghosted after 13 yrs together, a week after finishing IVF together . Never fought but he was stressed about work and I was hormonal and complained about a small thing and he blew up, blocked and ghosted me. Its been 1 yr, no contact. 😅

[@libragirl1991]

Do DAs come back after the 3 month mark? Ive been broken up with my ex who i believe is a DA for 4 months and he has replied to a few messages but he doesnt reach out. I would want to fix things with him but i feel i may have pushed him away as i constantly messaged him as i am very anxious attachment style :-(

[@thebirima91]

Focus on yourself and become in control 🙏

[@wulfclaw4921]

Thank you for what you do. This is the most helpful info on the net in my opinion. Some questions I have are: 1. Does the DA understand they have this issue or do they just feel like something is off ? 2. Having survived a Covert Narcissist (& her literally Evil Twin) I took the deep dive into the disorder, leaving me certain that there is a demonic connection involved. People are commodities, etc... Any thoughts ? Do you have anything regarding the spiritual side of all this. Prayer, etc.. God IS Almighty, this falls under everything else He can do IMO. 3. With the DA I am assuming the kind and sweet side of her is genuine. The problem is that I believe to ignore is the opposite of to love. 4. Is there a way to get them to be open minded and have a look at this ? I was considering getting some counseling for her with this, but not sure how to go about making that happen. 5. It would be a shame- but is it better to just leave all this be and walk ? * I heard you speaking about thev Free 14 day trial. Just not sure how I could get her interrested in it. She's far too busy rt now ignoring me.

[@garyforbes8711]

Nearly four months of silence from her. She is seeing someone else, so I'm not holding my breath on her return.

[@rosa-safiahconnell7114]

What if I am pregnant? I don’t know what to do. I wish there were therapists for this stuff. I also think he is on the spectrum

[@baldersn4474]

Mines never just gone amd ghosted ...But she has broke up woth me loads of times, very black amd white thinking then I'm finished with, blocked etc etc. This time after a row, I been blocked then unblocked and blocked again ?? She had CPTSD..Maybe this isn't an avoidment ?

[@ΓιώργοςΚ-μ7ω]

What about a discussion about the relationship perspectives??...Of course through questions and an open dialogue....Could an avoidant take it or it could be a cause of conflict or running away??

[@ΓιώργοςΚ-μ7ω]

@@MrKo531 Ευχαριστώ πολύ αδερφέ για την συμβουλή... δυστυχώς αγωνίζομαι να συντηρήσω τη σχέση,που είναι μια on and off κατάσταση... κάποια στιγμή κουράζει αλλά είμαι πολύ ερωτευμένος για να δω ξεκάθαρα τα πράγματα, τουλάχιστον προς το παρόν...

[@asdfxcvbn746]

11:23 "what do you do when an avoidant rears their head a few weeks after ghosting you?" --- obviously you SMASH it like a Whack-A-Mole carnival game... duh.

[@LeeChrissy]

Or you can no thank you I'm not interested..

[@asdfxcvbn746]

@@LeeChrissy issa joke

[@georgiasellers183]

Im on month 4 & he hasnt come back😢

[@wulfclaw4921]

I don't think the trouble they are bringing and willing to put you through is worth it. If they know what they are doing and continue to ghost, yeah I don't think so.

[@stalkek]

Thanks

[@SpacelessTimeless]

4 months after discarded by a FA she accused me of not being enough and being a liar after 2 years of intimate and full of love relationship(of course full of mini push pull cycles around her PMS) after 4 month of total no contact still nothing happened

[@babayaga5010]

Honestly my avoidant ex girlfriend did so much damage (ghosting, lying, binge drinking, then breaking up) that I don't want her back as a girlfriend anymore... It's been 4 months of NC. Idk why I kinda feel more protective of her than I do any intimate feelings. How can I get her to be more comfortable reaching out since she doesn't have to fear committing to me anymore?

[@LeeChrissy]

I wouldn't do anything. If she wants to reach out she will.

[@dig-in8bo]

Runaway from this. Sounds toxic. Tell yourself you deserve a healthy secure attached partner who will show up and follow through. Who will resolve conflict like an adult.

[@LeeChrissy]

@@dig-in8bo it's not about being "an adult". It's about being unhealed which it seems his ex is.

[@chrismaxwell1624]

@@dig-in8bo Or at least someone that will work on themselves. Secure attached doesn't mean healthy either. Just better chances of it as they start on more solid foundation. That's me for example 49% secure, next biggest at 29% was DA, 16% Anxious, 6% Disorganized. Mind you I'm sure a lot DA actually isn't even attachment style but more my ASD as lot the DA questions fit my ASD.

[@dig-in8bo]

@@LeeChrissy Well, that's your interpretation calling it unhealed. Respectfully, I call it being an adult and having consideration for your partner. Change my mind if you like.

[@zacpdx]

She’s never coming back…

[@walkertranger5746]

A DA needs help

[@gregvanpaassen]

"Give me the child until his seventh year, and I will give you the man." Who is the problem here?

[@amyfigueroa1911]

💯

[@tallspicy]

Thais!!!! What are you doing with this clickbait title?? Get your person back is literally the opposite of love yourself so much you are OK if they come or go. It makes me sad to be seeing this so much on here lately. I know the advise is right, but ughhh sad world we live in

[@jeffreypaszko3473]

She talks way to fast , a lot of good material but its too much ,take a beath you sound crazy. !!!