THIS Is Why Your Avoidant Ex Wants to Be Friends

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In today's video, Thais Gibson discusses why the avoidant attachment style (dismissive avoidant attachment style) wants to be friends after a break up.
Watch now to learn about the 3 reasons the avoidant attachment style wants to be friends with their ex, as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "How to Heal From a Break Up & Transform Grief", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:50 - #1: Is This Person Interested In Getting Back Together
00:03:37 - #2: They Regret Breaking Up
00:04:38 - Lifetime Promo
00:06:09 - #3: Reassurance
00:07:34 - If You’ve Been Friends Before the Relationship
00:07:58 - Conclusion
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
I created the Personal Development School, an online learning platform that gives users the ability to create true and long-lasting change in their lives through personal development courses that are designed to give you a breakthrough in every area of your life, with a 99.7% satisfaction rate.
Our KZbin videos give you a glimpse into this in-depth course content. Much of what you'll learn here is based on your attachment style and how that affects the relationships you have with your family, friendships, and of course, your romantic relationships.
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #DismissiveAvoidant #DismissiveAvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachmentStyle #DismissiveAvoidantCourse #DatingDismissiveAvoidant #DismissiveAvoidantBreakup #AvoidantBreakup

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Have you ever had an avoidant ex try to be friends after a break up? What was your personal experience like? ❤

[@ytviewer1636]

Yes but what does it mean if they now have a gf/bf?

[@user-jj6tf6ou2b]

I tried because I just wanted to keep them in my life so, so much. We were good friends before dating, but I just wasn't able to switch that flip back in my mind. I got so confused my the messages.... inside jokes out of nowhere, ambiguous interpretations. I was driving myself crazy. Finally I just had to put a foot down -- the feeling were still there for me and she obviously knew that. Had to cut contact. I almost miss them as a friend most of all in some ways. It hurt like a 2nd breakup. I'm not interested in getting back. I just want to move on...

[@gogohappygirl]

My DA ex offered friendship WHILE breaking up with me. I said I would consider it but then immediately went NC for nine weeks until they started doing the whole indirect reach out kind of thing and then shortly there after we ran into each other in person and they were the first to say hello. Realizing that could be as good as a reach out I was going to get from my ex post break up, I extended an olive branch and texted them a few days later. We’ve been in regular contact ever since but have not discussed the relationship or what we want from the reconnection. I did say when we broke up that if they ever changed their mind to reach out, so it’s hard to know if that’s why they started reaching out or if they still just want friendship. A few months back, I thought that maybe we were heading in the direction of getting back together but now I’m not so sure. In fact, I’m not even sure if that’s what I want anymore. Some days I do, other days I don’t. In case it wasn’t obvious, I’m FA. 🤪

[@trinaija]

Leaveeeee these toxic people alone. They will literally make you look delusional. And make you feel like you’re obsessed with them.

[@foxandoaktarot7675]

Some of us are actually aware and working through it. We aren't toxic. We are traumatized.

[@trinaija]

@foxandoaktarot7675 and then cause trauma to the people that love and want to try with you by pushing us away and not validating us. Not even trying to accept the care. Its painful!

[@tudorhunter412]

​@@foxandoaktarot7675 Okay, point taken. We all have been traumatized. But It simply amuses me how everyone just blames other types of attachment styles based on traumas but when it comes to avoidants, we have to fully understand them and be patient and endure their reckless behavior. But what bothers me the most is the fact that you avoidants would rather play with everyone's heart and make healthy people question their own sanity than actually head on facing your demons in order to become more secure. From my point of view, it can't get more selfish than that. Put yourself in the perspective of a secure partner: Your avoidant partner just runs off without even a goodbye, you have to endure the fact that they have another 10 backups they carefully prepared to be monkey branched on, you have to endure the fact that they can simply kill switch their emotions for you in an instant and not have a single remorse for what they're about to do after the break up until some time passes, you have to endure the fact that they simply avoid anything that leads them to their own growth, and the moment you want to build something with them, they simply pull the rug under your feet and they turn into ghosts. You have to endure the fact that they constantly surround themselves with insecure people that boost each other's ego for validation and basically endure all their stuff just because they have been heavily traumatized. "No problem babe, it doesn't matter that you'll never even bother to meet my emotional needs, it ain't a problem that you're not even willing to try to become more secure for the sake of your own mental health, i am willing to fully accept your offer after you took your freedom probably numbed at some party having casual sex with the first stranger you felt a physical attraction to. It's okay, really, the fact you have been heavily traumatized will excuse absolutely any type of reckless behavior and i am not allowed to point out anything because you'll simply vanish forever. I am your puppet and i definitely do not have the self respect, the balls and the capacity to tell you to solve your own issues and stay away from me and everyone in the dating world until you heal your wounds because you're simply a master manipulator who strongly hooks people in the beginning just to play childish games later. You slay, playa" No man or woman who loves himself/herself will ever allow such people to enter their lives a second time.

[@niahughes5223]

He was so upset that I didn’t want to stay “friends” and continue the situationship. I really think it was to stay friends with benefits.

[@tabarnakopoulos]

At the same time she discarded me, after a 6 months relationship, she offered me to keep going on hikes together as friends. I told her I would need time before I could get to that point. Weeks, months... I didn't know how much time. It has been 3 months + since then. And I don't want any kind of friendship with her. After all, she discarded me and hurt me... who needs friends like that?

[@Kay-zv3mk]

I’m realizing that if you want to be with an avoidant you HAVE to be VERY emotionally independent. You NEED to be able to detach from them to a large degree, while still being able to open up about what you need from them in a very slow way where they don’t feel pressured - baby steps, don’t rush them. They’re like skittish deer when it comes to emotional closeness and intimacy, one wrong move might scare them off. I used to think of them as cold and heartless but the more I learn about them, the more my heart goes out to them. But I totally get how they aren’t everyone’s cup of tea, especially the more extreme avoidants. If you’re looking to settle down with someone who is stable and consistent, they probably aren’t for you unless you’re sure they are putting in the work to become more secure.

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

I agree.

[@brandylee6030]

That is no way to live. They need to seek help and do better. Period.

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

@@brandylee6030 why? Some of us don't mind a partner like this. If it's not your cup of tea, then don't date them.

[@carolross5329]

I agree, however it's not easy :(

[@icebarker77]

​@@SunshineAndSnowflakesi guess cause it is a big inbalance for a relationship to work long time. A secure or even an anxious partner will do their part to fullfill their partners needs, while the avoidant is afraid of closeness, which is, depending on the severity, a relationship killer. IMO partners always have to work on RS, be open to criticism and be able to be vulnerable and communicate. Source: (Former) Avoidant speaking. My heart goes out to you though, if you can make it work, thats awesome! The world is not just black and white, in the end, and everybody has a little avoidant inside.

[@sadiqua7]

I just went through this confusion with an ex and snapped one day and text him that I cannot continue with this lack luster hot n cold friendship post breakup. I was stuck and needed to move on. He COMPLETELY shut down and essentially ghosted me. I made the right decision since he is incapable of being a decent person and at least giving me the respect of acknowledging my message. I feel sorry for him, I feel sorry for me. I really loved him and hoped we could work things out and get to a point where we could be truly vulnerable but he triggers my abandonment wounds by his stonewalling behavior. I explicitly asked him to not ignore me because it triggers me early on and throughout dating I would express how much it hurts me. Yet that’s what he would do over and over. I just don’t have the time to deal with him and his issues plus work on mine since he only acts in his own self interest. I can deal with an avoidant person that is willing to compromise for the sake of peace and harmony, not one that runs and abandons me as well as themselves to perpetuate victim mentality.

[@haileys5371]

Same...literally sent that message an hour ago.

[@anjawilliams6168]

I completely relate to that.:(

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for sharing your experience! I'm sorry you went through that. Give yourself credit for knowing what you want/need and setting boundaries! 🤗

[@teraperry9562]

Keep it moving, prayers for speedy healing💖🙏💙

[@user-mi2uo9xj5t]

@sadiqua7 You are not alone. I feel the same way about what happened with my ex. Similar situation to yours. It may not feel like it at the moment, but you will definitely come out stronger in the end. Hang in there!

[@Luis913Barroeta]

This is where being able to set boundaries comes in handy, avoidant ex doesn't want to make relationship work? Heal, set a boundary of NO CONTACT since they're the ones who didn't want to make relationship work 💯

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Boundaries are definitely crucial regardless of which choice you make ❤

[@AnimeNewsRadio101]

This is how put healthy boundaries and ever dare break up with me 3 times, I will make my crush how to me back.

[@laurabadwolf]

my ex pulled this and I had to shut it down. the 'mixed' messages, like us getting on call daily, texting non stop, him saying he regrets the breakup and still has feelings for me... to then turn around and say it was never a road for us to get back together but instead him trying to work on his communication. no. just no. don't do this to yourself. unless they're upfront about wanting a future together and show that they're willing to do the work, leave. they don't want you, you can't change that, so don't settle for some halfway type of stuff. I will always insist that being friends with an ex is unhealthy, especially if its close to the breakup still and one person isn't over it.

[@emangrabogadi4613]

Honestly, its very exhausting and such a rollercoaster emotionally.

[@dubon.johnathan]

These are the most draining people to deal with. Sure you can better understand them but everything you have to do to make things work is not worth it. pretty much have NO expectations, cater to their needs while meeting your own needs. That’s just not a relationship in my book. They’re sensitive but also inconsiderate. Everyone has problems/trama that is no excuse to date people and treat them this way. Everyone needs therapy avoidants especially. Even if they somehow attract a healthy person it’s not long before they realize you’re never going to have a fulfilling relationship. They also hide things about themselves out of fear of judgment which causes distrust. True love isn’t possible without trust or respect. These people CAN’T offer neither of these in a relationship.

[@bakeliteperformance]

This happened with my DA ex-wife. After 14 years of marriage, building a life together, I was essentially "friend zoned" by her. She created an emotional fortress around herself, but still wanted to be friends. She didn't want to explain herself, didn't want to apologize... no. Coparents? Yes. Being cordial, polite, and drama free? Yes. But friendship? Absolutely not. The fact that she repeatedly made these attempts was so incredibly tone deaf to what I was going through that I will not engage beyond what is healthy for our children. If she ever showed real vulnerablity, wrote some long expansive explanation of what she was feeling through that whole process, and apologized... then I could at least consider it, but that DA wall she has is radioactive to me.

[@emangrabogadi4613]

❣💯

[@gogohappygirl]

What about the DA who asks for friendship WHILE they are breaking up with you?

[@dannywholuv]

I had this scenario and refused on the basis that im only interested in her romantically. I thought to myself in what capacity is friends, someone that never speaks to me or lets me down? My friends dont do that

[@guywithahelmet9597]

Shut that shit down right when she offered it.

[@TheUnkindness]

I'd love a video on "signs an avoidant is trying/wants to reconnect".

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

I feel like she's done this. Maybe do a search in her videos?

[@Littleowl85352]

I did this when I was younger and it was simply because I thought it would be nice to have a friend in them. I learned it's a very poor idea to be friends with an ex, it always gets ugly and awkward, now I simply don't communicate with anyone I once dated unless it's utterly necessary. I wish them well but I don't need the headache in my life.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for sharing your experience, I appreciate it! I'm glad you found what works best for you ❤

[@emmanueleffanga5733]

My DA partner reached out after 3 weeks of no contact saying she was never done with me, that I left her. I’m more of 60% anxious and 40% secure. She was so emotionally unavailable with intimacy dwindling which I called out assertively but she never communicated why she was detached. Always dismissing me that I’m starting drama. So we had a fight due to ineffective communication and I left. We ghosted each other. She called and I gave her audience and she apologized for how her actions affected me, that she’ll react the same way I did if someone didn’t communicate. She’s now saying she’s always scared I’d leave her (my anxious side tend to protest a lot) because I have done that in the past. She seems not to find emotional safety reason she withdrew intimately from me. She said she’s willing to put in the work but still scared if I’d ever stop threatening to leave. She also hinted that even if we don’t work out, she still wants friendship and I told her NO. We can say hi once in a blue moon but I can’t be friends with an ex. Your videos are helping me heal and understand DAs. Thank you!

[@macdavy70]

I've been dealing with this for six years, if I leave she will become very anxious after a few weeks or months, but I believe she a fearful avoidant that leans dismissive. I just told Her I can have this friendship you really want, but it has to be a real friendship and I need some physical face time and interaction, not just a texting buddy. She has had multiple failed short term relationships that last a few weeks to a few months at most. I supposed I've been the only consistent things in her life.

[@gregorystinette8271]

Been there, done that & now I'm very happy with my dog. Woof !

[@CloudburstCRM]

I'm going throuh this literally right now so thank you for the impeccable timing of another brilliant video. My DA ex disappeared on an extended OS trip. She met somene new (gleefully told me all about it when it happened) then went zero contact for a few months. Then one day out of the blue she all of a sudden gets very chatty again. Tells me she has serious reservations about the new guy, has had a few months apart from him when she came home for work, didn't feel anything for him when he turned up for a few weeks (turns out she re-instigated contact with me the day after he went home), thinks he's a narcissist... and is about to go back overseas again for a few months but feels really unsure about meeting up with him again. (Apparently) loves spending time with me (which has amounted to a couple of walks)... but zero discussion about anything to do with our former relationship. I'm simply not taking the bait... my mental health and well being is just too important for me.

[@charchar7897]

I went into no contact and the FA is calling and blowing up my phone. Yesterday was my Bday, and he called multiple times but I didnt answer. That friendship/placing me on hold until he makes up his mind osnt gonna work for me. Set boundaries and stick to them.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Happy belated birthday! Well done with sticking to your boundaries! ❤

[@charchar7897]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thank you That's. You videos help a lot.

[@markcafebrown2883]

Thanks! I feel like you made this for me Thais❤

[@Therealkingk909]

You called me out. I’m literally the dissmissive avoidant ex that wanted to get back together and my anxious ex just shut me down today 😂

[@emangrabogadi4613]

haha good on her, that grey area causes a lot of anxiety. 😄 how did you feel being shut out?

[@Therealkingk909]

@@emangrabogadi4613 honestly that’s kinda an assumption. There wasn’t really that gray area dynamic in our relationship. We split 3 years ago, i did a lot of growing so we reconnected and went on a few dates but she decided she wasn’t interested in rekindling things at the moment. So i don’t think it was really a gray area dynamic just two people who weren’t in the same season anymore and that’s cool too

[@Cece-mc8bm]

My ex broke up with me and at the same time asked to stay friends?? And they are have an avoidant type. Is this something they do to?

[@Lilsears]

My DA ex? Friend? Situationship has started talking again 3rd time in a year. Decided to finally go on vacation with friends. He asked me to stay at his house and watch his dog. Everything went fine, he lived his life on vacation and mentioned him coming home and me still staying the night and us sleeping in the same bed. Confusing but I haven't been reaching out to him first since he has been back. Im definitely Confused.

[@kb6057]

I had a horrible experience being friend zoned with no benefits at all. After 2 years or more we got connected thinking it would go sonewhere to find out he was with a girl living with her and trying to break free from her and used me ending up being intimate then he put me in the friend zone for almost a year!! Horrible people I refuse to ever do this again. Hard lesson learned and so much time and years wasted. Funny thing is I I ignored my instinct after dating him for only 2-3 months with him. I will never ignore my instincts again!

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

I'd love to see a video on that last part you touched on with being friends with the DA before dating. I've been friends first with most of my exes aside from 2 I believe. Those are the ones I didn't remain friends with. SA/AP. Anyone else kept a friendship with me and because I didn't really attach to them, it's totally fine. My last ex DA and I have a special friendship. Now that we've both healed a bit, I'm in a good place for him to reach out whenever he wants and vice versa. He just text this morning saying he loves me and I'm amazing. I said thank you. I don't attach myself to his words in an emotional sense anymore. I think it's really sweet, but I don't take it as he wants to get back together. I'm very literal so he would have to say exactly what he means in order for me to take it any other way than him being nice. I remember before we started dating a few years ago. He was dropping his DA hints 😂 and I kind of just bypassed them. One time he sent me a famous poem and I asked him what the poem meant and he just said "nothing it's just a poem" lol I ignored every hint until the words "I'm in love with you." came out. I was like oooohhh that's what this is all about. 😂😂 If you can't emotionally handle an ex reaching out then do your thing and don't respond if you don't want to. I'm in a good place with our friendship so it's fine.

[@shavenhaven13]

Love this. 16 months of friendship with my DA-ex. He sent me 'All About You' from McFly once. How to let me know he cares without the words. He's one of my closest friends ❤ x

[@emangrabogadi4613]

Yea I have a DA ex like this, we were very good friends before dating so now we know that could never work out and are back to being platonic. But, I cant do the same for a DA whom iv never had a platonic friendship with before dating- it hurts.

[@j209westmoh9]

Bet u be s

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

​@@j209westmoh9 come again?

[@sifublack192]

I've never had an issue being friends with an ex, but I found that few exes wanted to remain friends after the relationship. I get it's not for everyone and I remember even my most recent ex lashed out at me after I wished her the best when our relationship ended. At the very least, it's reasonable to be cordial with someone unless the person did something malicious (i.e. cheat on you) especially if you share a social circle. That said, I have remained friends with many of my FWBs and even one night stands. I think this is because the relationships are obviously different despite doing many of the same things (i.e. going out for drinks, dinner, etc). It all comes down to personal preference I suppose.

[@ng-marc]

🎯 Why would they be reaching out, if they are not interested in connecting? Reception would logically determine emotional escalation?

[@MarieMamaG]

My X hovered until the day he died…30 years after I divorced him.

[@Katrica670]

Point #1 is it during the dating or power struggle stage that they usually do this? Also, does this more happen in their 30's/40's/50's, or 20's? 🧐

[@fruitypopwhickle6806]

The one I dealt with dumped me. Pressured/Bullied/Terrorised/Guilt tripped/Emotionally blackmailed me into being his "friend". Then proceed to ask me how he should hit on other women...

[@mattashmore9675]

Found your videos in trying to make sense of a breakup. Its been almost 2 months, it was only 2 months. Still a million ?s. Still hurts. Everything was GREAT, and then her parents got involved (I'm 30, she 24. They decided from the jump before even meeting me i was a predator or something). They shit all over me. She just.. let that be totally fine. Hit me with "im feeling a lot of feelings, i think o love you". Days later "this was all too fast, i love you but am not in love with you, let's be friends." I give up.

[@samgquinlan]

Some people just use external processing for whatever fleeting emotional/psychological states are surfacing in the moment, without much of a clue that other people might actually be listening and taking on board what they say.

[@Cowboyphilosophy]

So if out of state, it would never happen ?

[@teamneverlost]

Avoidant ex of mine reached out after about 7 weeks of radio silence, just wondering how I was doing and wanted music. I don't know if it's a legit attempt at any kind of reconciliation. As far as being just freinds goes, would be willing to give that a shot in hope there could be a bit more respect than I experienced in a close relationship

[@CassyG-xo2dm]

I asked my long distance ex who I believe is a fearful avoidant, if we could meet for coffee and as friends - no expectations. He said no and doesn’t think friends is for us. I don’t know what to do?

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

I wouldn't do anything.

[@sethtenrec]

put him 100% behind. Move on.

[@sj3969]

What else would there be to do? He said no. No means no.

[@SK-no2pp]

Move on. Connection doesn’t mean compatibility

[@Fleuvifarello]

All these 3 reasons are not healthy

[@user-fc3fq6rf8f]

Is this just a DA thing? My FA ex husband (married 8 years, separated 10 months) wants to be friends. Is he just keeping me around or does he want to get back together?? I have no contact with him.

[@misss827]

Do you want to be platonic friends with him? That is the main question.

[@sheriwl]

What about just a guy who is just talking to you? We text 3-4 days a week, about NOTHING. Sometimes he simply sends a picture! I have to buy a vowel !! Idk WHY we're talking, but he's (DA) asked me to "be pushy about getting into his DMs".... Why?!? I'm convinced he hates me lol. What is he up to??? Great video, thank you !!

[@jolanda1988.]

Ignore him. He's breadcrumbing you.

[@Littleowl85352]

Maybe let him know that you feel a bit awkward and you'd like more regular communication. Some guys are just socially inexpert. It's wise to state your needs non-confrontationally. He can't simply guess these needs.

[@sheriwl]

I really hold back with my texts & prior to him asking me to text, he said he doesn't qualify us as "texting too much" and stated he's not talking to other women. Hopefully you're correct. Thank you for your input..... Would be amazing to get Thais' opinion or a video on the topic 😉

[@Littleowl85352]

@@sheriwl there's a video a few days back on how secure individuals may respond to what may be perceived as breadcrumbing.

[@sheriwl]

Probably, yeah​@@jolanda1988.

[@martinhebblewhite4659]

Is this similar to how a FA works.

[@valiant.1]

Is this about the DA or the FA?

[@gogohappygirl]

This video is about the DA.

[@CakeBopp]

So true what you're saying.... But why do you talk so fast?

[@chelseajackman7730]

I want to listen to these videos because there is good information about my avoidant ex but I cannot handle listening to the vocal fry. Get with a voice coach and learn how to speak smoothly before you destroy your vocal folds, and make your content easier to listen to.

[@shelleysymons9433]

Lol...what about 60s ?

[@christianhunter777]

I like your videos. I believe you are on the near side of 'Avodiant Attachmentdom', as you are self-knowing enough and insightful enough to have diagnosed and conquored it. Still working on my Grandiose Narcissism:) Most never make it past the power struggle stage because they've never lost a fight. Either you hold them to account and they blow your relationship up like a suicide bomber at a sidewalk cafe, or you allow them to continue to devalue and ignore you as they slowly recede from your life, pretending to appear a little involved while cafefully crafting their exit. when you finally put your foot down, it's over. They then view you as a romantic entanglement which (which they skillfully avoided by abandoning you) and which had long ago fallen into the category of "ordinary love" as they try sailing their dinghy past the deadly reefs and rocky shoals that sink them every time. kzbin.info/www/bejne/bWqpeaOPmcmdhpYsi=ckbvrSJZ3stZXGkM (my fave song about one of these)

[@kiradelarochefoucauld7499]

Yes, the watery depths of a Cancer Man.

[@gogohappygirl]

Thais has said many times she is a recovered FA. Her partner is a recovered DA.