The Codependent Flip Pattern in Relationships

[@justinael]

It's difficult to be assertive and straightforward when you are codependent. People don't even know they do it. I learned to always ask myself: If I agree to a particular thing, will I be resentful if I get nothing out of it or if someone doesn't appreciate it? If yes, then I don't agree to the thing. The key is to make own internal decisions, be responsible for them, not feel resentment. Resentment means we gave too much.

[@csmithvenice17]

That was extremely insightful and helpful. I learned more from your comment than the video! Thank you for sharing your insight👍

[@UhuruMaat]

Excellent. That was a really good addition to the video

[@latonyasmith683]

❤❤❤❤

[@martinepeters9891]

​@@csmithvenice17 wowwwww, I was about to say the same thing. Will not forget this comment and it has been my pitfall and cause for my sometimes passive aggressive behavior in the past. (Or aggressive behavior towards my ex instead of just quitting being abused 😂)

[@ChrisHarperKC]

The resentment meter is a great way to gauge future problems.

[@kal2487]

I've been on both sides of the dynamic. So would say yes BUT a lot of codependents don't even realize they are doing it, because their own needs have been surpressed into unconsciousness, because they had to be. Unfortunately getting involved with people who eventually don't give them what they unconsciously hoped they would get, is what makes those needs conscious. If the other person, has proceeded in good faith it can be really devastating, for both parties, because both parties feel duped, even though it was an unintentional duping.

[@Littlelinden86]

Thanks for sharing. Reflecting on my own journey It has taken me nearly a decade to make conscious my unexpressed needs and begin validating them. I was devastated when I realised what I had done and my trust in myself was broken completely which made it harder to connect to my truth. I knew I needed to rebuild the relationship from scratch but I had no skills with which to identify and communicate in a new way. The pain is hell but it’s a great teacher. It needn’t be feared because it brings so much more clarity you can use to mend

[@snoozyq9576]

​@@Littlelinden86I'm recently 30 and I'm just now learning about my needs so I understand. It is heartbreaking to look back and see how I ignored them ❤

[@devorahrose782]

I think she's trying to cover her own ugly lack of generosity

[@FioccoCockatoo]

@@devorahrose782 this is just a mean comment

[@catherineo8689]

You say their own needs have been surpressed into unconsciousness, because they had to be. No, that is just it. They don't "have" to be. This is the mental game people who decline to address their real motivations play. Adults ARE responsible for the bargains they choose to make, and if they're cognizant enough to suppress their needs, they're cognizant enough to know it's a false bargain they're making. I note that many of the comments on this put the suppress-er into a victim role, as though they have less control than other people. That's simply not true. It's the role they take on in order to not openly be the "bad guy" or to trick the other person whom they want. When the flip occurs, it is very tough and shocking to the person attacked and made the villain. Codependent people are 100% responsible for the harm they cause to others.

[@CrystalRapoza]

I literally SAW this play out in my last relationship. I struggle with this pattern, too. We were friends before we dates and I knew what he liked and didn't. So, imagine my shock when he suddenly changed everything about himself when we started dating! I loved him so much for his ability to set boundaries and let me figure myself out around his preferences. Then, we get together, and he's suddenly yelling at me that "he's changed so much for me." And I'm yelling back, "I never wanted that. I wanted YOU." We never got through it. It's over now...

[@Rabbitunderground]

It seems like so many people would benefit from seeing this video x

[@harmonys2102]

Wow, just wow. You described my 15 year unhappy marriage exactly. It was shocking and confusing when I realized it had all been an act. I felt naive and foolish that I didn’t see who he really is. He’s actually very dark and menacing but he acted like the nicest guy ever. I wanted out as soon as I saw the real person underneath but our financial family circumstances made it too difficult to just get out. Now we are bitter, both disappointed with each other, just waiting for a day we can go our separate ways. But I will always doubt my judgment since I was so fooled by this relationship; I don’t trust my instincts anymore. I don’t want another shock like this ever again.

[@steve19811]

You can be like my mother and not take responsibility and become a guarded spinster or you can practice gratitude now, elevate your energy, live in a delusion of gratitude, and thus let the universe work it out for you......

[@marlajacques6947]

If its any consolation, you can’t unsee this behaviour and it does get easier if you stay positive, appreciate the lesson and not beat yourself up for a lapse in judgment!

[@stestar09]

​@StevenBeisheim whats the second option again? Whats it all mean - in the real world 🌎

[@iamtaliba.divine.love1322]

Sounds like my story. It was 16 years for me, We Are currently going through a divorce right now. I still have my days that I get sad and angry over the situation, I was betrayed and deceived. He just pretended to be who he had no intentions of being, it’s a very painful experience. ❤️‍🩹

[@Amy-ms6wj]

​@@steve19811you follow this wack job im guessing. 😂

[@Truthseeker-sd2ho]

You are 100% correct about everything you said Teal. I am recovering from severe codependency. Found out about what codependency truly is 3 years ago (I’m 66), had a fantastic teacher with an incredible program, and I know that I’ve been taught the truth. Recovery has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, the hardest part having to tell the truth about who I’ve been my entire life. Most of my relationships were not authentic because I was not living in reality. Going back to my childhood I realize how dysfunctional my family was, and why I had to become codependent in order to survive. I didn’t mean to be disingenuous in my relationships with other people, and it makes me very sad that I “duped” so many of them, but I also need to have compassion for myself because it came out of tremendous pain and trauma. Thank you for this video; it’s an every day challenge, but I am striving to be authentic and true to others and myself going forward in my life.

[@danielmartin7873]

I appreciate your comment. I'm in a similar boat, albeit with much less life experience than yourself. Not sure how to (or even if) I'll get through it.

[@Truthseeker-sd2ho]

@@danielmartin7873 You will if you get a good teacher and program, do the work, and dive into the pain…not escape from it. It gets better, I promise! Do you have a teacher and support group? I have a name if you need it… not everyone out there is teaching the truth, or knows what it is. The one I found knows what he’s talking about and his program is amazing.

[@Rabbitunderground]

How wonderful that you've been able to discover this pattern you've lived your whole life with time to heal and change. That's a huge step forward. xx

[@sofiamjaneiro]

Can ask I in what program are you?

[@carolsperry3393]

Thank you for this Teal. After my divorce my anger turned to rage - at him and at myself…. as I listened to your videos and journaled as a safe outlet, I started seeing what I created, my hand in the problem. He and I were mirrors. I feel like I want someone to take my hand and walk me through the steps of creating an authentic relationship. My ego/protector self is so strong and I haven’t been successful at quieting that voice when in conversation with someone. I don’t even have a friend now because I see how I’ve set a stage and I don’t want to dupe anyone again.

[@coach_amy]

I'm relating to what you're saying, but would like clarity if you want to share.. What do you mean by the following: "quieting that voice" (what voice?) and "set a stage"? Are you saying you don't have a friend because you don't trust yourself? Or do you not have a friend because no one has met your standards yet?

[@carolsperry3393]

@@coach_amy thank you for asking. The voices are that of my ego/protector self, questioning motives, on guard….. in the moment of meeting someone I go straight into creating what I perceive to be acceptable (by others)…. I do not trust myself and have been working on my default negative opinion of others. Coping mechanisms….

[@coach_amy]

@@carolsperry3393 Thank you for responding. (If you feel like it, please see my original comment I wrote to this video.) I had been accused in the past of having my guard up as far as not trusting people who seemed to have some interest in me. That really bothered me. What I see now is that my intuition was correct about these people, but my problem was doubting my needs in relationships and my relevancy in general. What is starting to cure this for me is my staying focused on being within my integrity, having humility via gratitude for my life & being myself, being "of service" via meeting people where they are at / listening / being a "space holder" for them *momentarily*, all the while not giving much of myself away & having boundaries with what I allow into my space, and trusting I am safe within myself and my Faith. Please let me know if this makes sense and resonates with you. I also don't have close relationships with people who aren't my children, due to my standards of what I want to invest my time into now.

[@ENSO-wildsound]

IFS parts work can be super helpful with this journey, and creating a safe space for your inner child

[@cecilia1099]

I’ve been there sadly enough. Thanks Teal for putting words to whatever we are going through. I wish I’ll be aware enough to step out of this pattern fully and completely. Love

[@HopeCalls]

A timely reminder for me. I hope that that new and improved relationship can happen for some of us. You didn’t deserve this. Thank you for continuing to turn lead into gold, just like you promised. ❤

[@alfanovdelta]

Wow. This is exactly what I’m going through with my husband. He has flipped and I am to blame for all. I am living what you are describing and blown away, but understand it better now. I completely agree, the only solution is to start over from scratch with him, to unlearn what was and relearn what is real. I’m working on that step now, only, he hasn’t stopped blaming me and hasn’t begun to take accountability yet. All on God’s time and will. Thank you, Teal!! 💚

[@TealSwanOfficial]

Incase You'd Rather Read About It Instead: tealswan.com/resources/articles/the-codependent-flip-pattern-r579/

[@quinparker9266]

Thank you. This finally gives me the full picture of my failed 30 year marriage and why it wasn’t salvageable.

[@SandyCove143]

This is absolutely true, and plays out everywhere, all the time. Well done, Teal. Both sides of this equation are born out of the fact that children are NOT properly ‘socialized’. Rather they are domesticated…. or even worse, forced to develop coping strategies to get by, but the end result…. and consequences are the same. We must learn how to love ourselves, meet our own needs, and to show up authentically - independent of the good/ bad opinion of others and without attachment to outcome(s). Thank you, Teal!

[@carly582]

How do I not domesticate my child? How do I properly socialize?

[@coach_amy]

​@@carly582 My experience, two cents: Teaching how to "know thyself" and be honest with & about self, foundational right and wrong to stand on, self-awareness, awareness of values/beliefs/principles/needs/wants, awareness of why he/she does what he/she does, contemplation and processing, self-acceptance with humility & willingness to learn/grow/mature, how to correct mistakes, how to emotionally regulate, having boundaries, how to communicate honestly, how to relate to others without having to be involved with them, how to have dignity & be courteous and concise with jerks & how to get away from them as soon as possible, what healthy and fulfilling relationships look and feel like, ability and willingness to stand alone...

[@SandyCove143]

@@carly582 every child is different. Fish can’t walk and butterflies can’t swim. Parents tend to impose their beliefs and expectations onto their children, often out genuine, well intentioned love/care. It just depends, and I don’t have it all figured out by any means…. but the simple awareness is huge. IMHO, Being a ‘good’, and present parent is the single most important job we will ever have. Too, kids need parents not friends. A healthy. safe and stable parent/child attachment is crucial. 🙂❤️🙏

[@annikabirgittanordlander6887]

The day Humans are done with these boring relationship styles, I'm going to celebrate. Thank you Teal for talking about this 🌎😘

[@coach_amy]

Or at least ourselves...

[@breathecarv]

This is a great video. Such a difficult pattern to get out of as the codependent is so cunning in order to maintain their sense of being good and thus safe. It is excruciating. I've been on both sides of this many times and can't seem to hack it no matter what I do. Because it takes two to tango and tango is hard to learn

[@JerryDAce]

Thank you Teal 🙏🏻This is described also in Karpman’s Drama Triangle dynamic - with the stages of Rescue, Persecute, and Victim.

[@sarahswanger979]

So much truth here!!!! The cycle of “getting and protecting” is strong and fierce but all things are entirely healable when one shows up in unconditional love for the self and then they can see it for others. 💓

[@dsTinyCat780]

I love how she is documenting her life in these videos…very savvy 💜 and yes they are predominant general themes

[@FindingYourFreestyle]

Yes. Noticed that too! ❤

[@TruthQuest4700]

Good one Teal! Self-awareness and recognition of those relationship patterns, accepting responsibility, and being honest with oneself would spare those involved from conflict and stress. I have learned to be authentic in my endeavors without the expectation or assumption there will be something in it for me in return.

[@snoozyq9576]

It breaks my heart to hear this as someone who is healing from a life of codependency and codependent relationships. So true.

[@FranNoesse]

Wow, huge epiphany! I have operated most of my life (since before 3yo) under FEAR OF REJECTION. I have put up with abuse and disrespect all because I was afraid of being rejected! I have been betraying myself and I want to change that. I hope you have a video that addresses this. If you don't, please make one. Thank you for your work.

[@SadieP]

Thank you for being a safe person... Awareness is the only true measure of safety in this messed up world 💜

[@gwnbw]

I saw it with a friend he gave his girl everything, flowers, restaurant every other day. And they started cheating on each other. Its such a reversed effect. He was so heartbroken because he invested so much and had plans for the future. Now he gave up on love in its entirety and treats woman as objects.

[@zeedo666]

He is weak for he still needs women for sex.

[@fcmiller3]

Yes!! I see myself playing the codependent flip pattern. "I've done so much for you and now you treat me bad." I was never truthful in those relationships. Big lesson learned....thanks Teal

[@EnchantedEvolution]

Wow!! Thank you! I saw a trailer for a special about you on Netflix, but I didn’t watch. About a year later I run across your channel and you’re amazing! Right on time! 333. When the student is ready, the teacher appears! I look forward to seeing more of your informative and life changing content! ❤

[@tecthyself]

Thank you Teal, your discipline and dedication is outstanding.

[@wioletawojcieska5534]

It sounds like you know the pain of being in this dynamic, of experiencing being duped. I'm really sorry you've had to go through that, Teal. I'm going through a similar situation. Sending you lots of love. ❤

[@VivatVeritas1]

It sounds to me she was on the other side of the equation.

[@lk9204]

Isn't everything she teaches she experienced by herself in some way? She said in an interview she does parts work every day, so I think she chooses the thing that people need to hear this week and makes a video about it.

[@lunarae1946]

@@VivatVeritas1 this is clearly what Blake did to her.

[@KillStealMusic]

@@lunarae1946oh. so she didn‘t dupe him?

[@bprabawabr]

Sounds to me like Bruce is a Giver and Brin is a Taker. They both play using their own rules and expect other people to do the same. The Giver says "Why don't you ever give back? Why do you only take take take? (Because in their world, I take care of you and you take care of me)" The Taker says, "I never forced you to Give what you gave. Why are you now forcing me to Give? (Because in their world, I take care of me, you take care of you.)" Your exposition puts all the blame on the Giver, which feels a bit biased to me.

[@bprabawabr]

This is why communication is important. If only they had openly communicated their needs and expectations, this Big Difference in their worldview would be addressed early on. (If we want to talk about personal growth, the giver should learn to take, and the taker should learn to give, but that's not necessarily the topic here.)

[@weiss1128]

I was looking for this comment. There's no way Bruce didn't make any sort of advances with her and I don't believe she didn't know what he really felt after so much time and things happened. She probably or could've strung him along because she was benefitting from this guy being secretly in love with her and giving her things and making her happy

[@UnstoppableVi]

Point taken... and... the (over)Giver is the inauthentic one

[@bprabawabr]

@@UnstoppableVi I don't see why they're inauthentic just because they work under and assuming different rules. "I think about you, you think about me" is no less authentic than "I think about me, you think about you."

[@jupiterrisingsheer-lee1984]

Fiscally, if she owned an apartment and required him to pay her rent she was depriving him of a future. It is an abusive unequal power behavior that has no place in relationships. That being said - it is true that he should have spoken his vision for the company and himself in it with her.

[@TealSwanOfficial]

Incase You'd Rather Read About It Instead: tealswan.com/resources/articles/the-codependent-flip-pattern-r579/?fbclid=IwAR1HySpih_noUy8dJLWGOiv8WKF-7lqkiAK88-_O9ZXAYVud2R9IbqAN3Ss

[@aboutnol]

Yes. It feels like I can't trust ever again. It's the worst thing that ever happened to me. And I've been thru a lot of things..

[@GlobalFreeLiving]

This has to be one of the best video's Teal has done... This is 100% me... It's like society creates this dysfunction in families. I started listening to Marisa Peer and I've slowly back myself out of this dynamic. I'm the caretaker in my family... I make sure everyone's needs are met and ignore my own needs. Over the last few years I've begun to love myself and control my agency. I no longer need my families approval or love... Since, the plandemic my family has been trying to censor me, take away my voice... and demeaning me. So, I did a Jordan Peterson, and stopped engaging with them... I forgave myself for giving my power away, but, I wasn't ware of the dynamic. I also, love them unconditionally.... but, don't allow them to injure me anymore. My family is very myopic and programmed by society... So, I've always been the black sheep of the family... I see the world clearly and no one controls my agency or free will. Thanks teal... this video will save lives. I see why so many relationships don't make it... Men have been taught to lie to get sex or a relationship... like I said, the society is based on a lie and dysfunction.

[@Queenbg1]

I can confess that I recognize myself in this type of relationship as a man who said YES to things that are deal breakers in a normal circumstances just to be with a woman I desperately wanted for years. And now I cannot stand myself for what I did. All you described is almost 90% of our life today and we do not know what to do. The flip is on now, and now I do not want to be with her because of the things I accepted in the past (and should not) and she now wanted to be with me. Thank you for sharing this knowledge with us! At least I can rely on this to become more aware and to step out of my confusion zone, because I do not who am I today and what I want. Serious issue for a guy in his 40s. Lead to some serious self-harm thoughts. I should have show this to my wife and to decide how we will go on from now on. Thanks again!

[@Lifeofadognow]

That explains why relationship feeled so painful for me and friendship too, cause i invest too much in others and i know i should invest in myself first

[@elizabethivy1337]

Thank you for this --it's a pattern I fell into with my last relationship, but I didn't realize it for what it was. Having a clear outline of how to do better in the future is helpful and gives me hope I can have a healthy relationship in the future. As an aside, one of the things I've noticed about myself while I try to heal from codependent habits, is that I find it hard to believe someone would want to so something for me out of genuine desire. I tend to assume that they don't actually want to do me a favor, but are actually sacrificing and doing something they would prefer to say 'no' to. It makes it difficult to accept help and compliments because it feels like I'm somehow forcing the other person to do something unpleasant/inconvenient. I realize that's not necessarily true, but it's a hard thought pattern to break.

[@Amber_the_Awesome]

I have the Same thought pattern that has also been hard to break. Makes it so I never want to receive anything from anyone; I ultimately isolate myself.

[@PeacefulWarriorAmanda]

Very well done with explaining these toxic patterns

[@whoislalaluna]

You look so beautiful in this video Teal!

[@AJ22-80]

Codependant and bpd and disorg attachment... difference is placement on the spectrum Teal you are such a gift ❤

[@lottalove5674]

the example with bruce and brinn makes me wonder... it seems weird that a woman would live with a man and let the man work in her company when she does not want to be together with him? i don't think it was wrong for bruce to be angry about brinn not wanting to be together hence those things indicate a relationship, in my opinion. what do yall think?

[@GracefulGardenia]

Someone who is being authentic to themselves would not carry on for long with someone in a "relationship" if it is not clear that we are on the same page about being in a relationship. And about what kind of relationship we are having.Someone who is authentic would have the Define The Relationship talk early on. Brinn would be at fault if she lied but it doesn't sound like she did.

[@OllieSmiless]

I so agreed with you! Brynn is presented as a victim throughout the entire example, but she is not. She is just as accountable. Expect your "kindred spirited friend" to pay your mortgage? Really???? To build HER company and expect nothing in return? To spend all his time with her, etc. Sounds like she manipulated him and he fell for it. Both accountable for this messy dynamic.

[@sofiamjaneiro]

Really? A woman can share a house with a friend and having him work in her company without wanting anything from him in a romantic way.

[@DashaandAlice]

Wow, I don't know what's real anymore 😵‍💫 I have been on both sides definitely.. but mostly on codependent side of it, it is so true how all of a sudden you get mad and bitter and angry at other person and it happens really sudden...and you feel like a victim and expect so much in return, so true 😣 soooo hard to admit that it was my fault though😥😥😥 because, I love him and there is this terrible feeling that if i would’ve been radically myself, he wouldn't have loved me or we wouldn’t be compatible ... this attachment style is a disaster ...

[@oliverrojas3185]

I definitely veer towards the co-dependent side, and now I am going to recalibrate.

[@jeromeporter9613]

I've done this. Really wish I knew about it beforehand. But now I question my relationship more than my partner. I feel like I lost myself a lot to be in our relationship and like I won't be able to get back to me. I'm in the process of learning what I do want. And communicating it clearly. I understand that may not be enough and we may end.

[@takanomemihawk7860]

You can tell your partner that? You can say you need time to find what you like and what are your boundaries. One comment I saw above said something I thought was really smart: "It's difficult to be assertive and straightforward when you are codependent. People don't even know they do it. I learned to always ask myself: If I agree to a particular thing, will I be resentful if I get nothing out of it or if someone doesn't appreciate it? If yes, then I don't agree to the thing. The key is to make own internal decisions, be responsible for them, not feel resentment. Resentment means we gave too much." it is probably a real good start. I wish you the best of luck and a lot of courage in figuring out what is it you are and love. I hope even if the path is challenging that it will also be fun

[@Briunity]

Lightbulbs go off constantly when I watch you. Im so grateful you have offered this free of charge. Thank you Teal

[@doejohn8976]

I admit this helped me a ton today. You've been my spiritual guide sense i was 15 I'm 26 years old. Just needed this more than anything today. Thanks

[@kinethecoach]

I'll here this one several times to get more clarity on this topic. Thank you!

[@christinafisher6169]

What à lesson in humility! Very clear on what your saying. Greiving what I thought it should be was the first thing i had to do.

[@Nepthu]

I'm currently in this stage. It's hard like someone died.

[@christinafisher6169]

The sad part is I'm still married

[@LovesoundsForever]

every time you put out a subject it is something I'm dealing with during that time significantly . geez thank you so much. Life is a journey

[@252stardust]

With this example Bruce wasn’t honest for sure and I don’t dispute anything said about him here, but Brynn also lead him on even if that was not her intention. Brynn is not Bruce’s victim, they both are wrong. One is dishonest and the other thoughtless. Neither are bad people but both played their part in the destruction of their relationship. Bruce gave up his career to help build a company with Brynn for Brynn to then years later ‘transition him out of his role within the company’, no wonder Bruce’s claws came out. They both duped each other.

[@OllieSmiless]

Thanks! I so agree with you! Brynn is presented as a victim throughout the entire example, but she is not. She is just as accountable. Expect your "kindred spirited friend" to pay your mortgage? Really???? To build HER company and expect nothing in return? To spend all his time with her, etc. Sounds like she manipulated him and he fell for it. Both accountable for this messy dynamic.

[@thecurrentmoment]

I think this is true, hiwever, this video is about codependency so I think it's fair enough to focus on what Bruce is doing, simply because it emphasises the dynamic of what Teal is talking about. If it was a video of how to reciprocate properly, then the emphasis should be on how Bruce is a victim of Bryn's lack of appropriate reception

[@OllieSmiless]

@@thecurrentmoment I see your point. I do think though that Teal shouldn't be nitpicking things out of context to present a side of codependency that is not fully accurate.

[@hollibeare]

This is a personal story for Teal. She's Brynn. Making the video is her way of justifying her role in the situation.

[@OllieSmiless]

@@hollibeare the way she is justifying her own wrongdoing is dangerous for those, working to overcome their codependency. She has over a million subscribers with varying degrees of personal issues - this is highly irresponsible.

[@raymondward1009]

I see your point with the example but if this relationship went on for years and the girl was denying it to everyone as a "couple" thing, then is she not also guilty for leading him on and not setting it strait as soon as she figured out that he was being deceitful?

[@auryn684]

Exactly! On some level “Brynn” knew that “Bruce” wanted more from the situation or wasn’t being fully truthful. Why did Brynn not say anything about it? It seems like Brynn *was* using Bruce for the ways he could support her.

[@destroyraiden]

doesn't sound like she was leading him on correcting people that they were friends even platonic soul mates isn't her leading him on he wanted to be involved yet her correcting people shows she had consistently not wanted them to be a couple.

[@raymondward1009]

@@destroyraiden But when did she let him know that? Years after people were asking her? That's not being totally honest, that is using him for what ever was a plus for her.

[@thefsdfsefs3274]

I had this dynamic with a former friend. She's always sacrificed when I never asked for it- quite the opposite, it suffocated me. She often talked about how I never sacrifice back and I'm not fulfilling intense expectations, yet she wouldn't let me go. It's really hard to talk about this with her when she doesn't understand herself & doesn't take responsibility for her actions. And it's really hard to make her aware of this because she gets defensive and makes it about what she thinks *I*'m doing wrong. Anyway we took a break from our friendship but I'm itching to send her this video. I don't want to have to deal with the potential drama, but I would love for her to see all of this.

[@jaywarde415]

Don’t send it! She will not see nor hear . Focus on yourself

[@MCE851]

You sound annoying and petty. Leave her alone and let her figure it out.

[@thefsdfsefs3274]

@@MCE851 mirror, mirror. sounds like you took it personally. hope you figure it out.

[@xavierserrano4880]

Divine timing. Thank you, Teal

[@suzypeace7777]

I’ve been aware of this for a long time….flipping. It’s brought me so much pain both in my body and to watch myself my likes personalities memories actually express in another person before my eyes. And then I’m upset mad crying because I’m expressing the person I’ve flipped with. It’s horrible snd crazy making. Trust becomes huge. So yes I feel the resentment. I feel making decisions can be hard. I’ll practice being straightforward vibe always been straightforward but them all of a sudden I’m not

[@KomalJhaOnline]

Moral - STOP FALLING FOR THE *IDEA* THAT YOU HAVE OF/ FOR THE PERSON.

[@yousfiabdelali]

I used to be like this completely. I'm absolutely grateful I'm coming out of this

[@yingyang2340]

Thank you so much Teal. That's exactly what I needed to hear at this moment in my life. I need to take responsibility and clean up my mess. I don't want to hurt my husband but I got into a point in which I can't not live happy if I don't meet my needs. We are starting a new more honest relationship after 13 years together. It's painful and hard. I feel like I have to fight all the time for my needs to be heard and understood. I'm still afraid of changing careers because of his reaction.

[@sebelzahntigerkind3923]

This woman is so insightful and articulate, thanks for keeping up the good work, relationship counselor #1 ❤

[@caitlinmanning1292]

This really brought clarity to an idea I've had rattling around in my head for a whole!

[@bugsstar]

Brilliant content- often difficult perspectives to get ur head around bc theyre so insightful! Thanku❤

[@alwynnhynes]

I love this. Thank you so much. I definitely have recognised this codependent pattern within myself and it's definitely something I'm consciously working towards changing

[@stormywhthd8900]

This happened to me two years ago and man did it mess me up. I feel like it caused irreversible damage in my ability to trust myself and others.

[@esotericgamedev]

This is an absolutely brilliant video Teal thank you

[@rachelkirby8522]

Utterly painful, it has just happened and has changed me at a soul level. 😢

[@Rabbitunderground]

Healing energy wished for you. Butterfly transformation. x

[@xoxchunaxox]

I was literally just thinking about this,, thank you as always soooo on point

[@jenlt5125]

I feel sorry for the guy in this situation.

[@Origin-kd7hv]

Absolutely LOVE this hair style ❤

[@Talkin_Sht]

Wow, teal. This is super deep. My ex-wife and I have been married for six years and six days after our honeymoon her adult son had to leave his father.. She was so overly obsessed with him that it completely strained our relationship over six years. Towards the last year that we were still together, our marriage counselor suggested that her over obsession with her son may have been a form of codependency. She flipped out. Disparage the therapist. Never wanted to go to counseling again. And at that point, I was done and fed up, so we split and divorced. Fast forward she’s living in a house with her adult son and I’ve even made jokes to my family that now she’s with her true husband. Do you have any lectures or topics available where I can learn more about parents who are codependent on their children?

[@Rabbitunderground]

I think the mother/son co-dependency is more common than many realise. 🌷🐝🦋

[@maevemaiden]

This is exactly why my last relationship ended. It’s called mother enmeshed men. It’s a sick dynamic where a controlling mother wants to dictate and have access to everything involving her kids even their sex lives. It becomes a major issue because there are no boundaries.

[@Myst3]

Excellent Explanation and Advice. Thank You, Teal. Have a Blessed Weekend. Much Love to You and All 🙏💜🗝💙🕊

[@master11manifestor]

My marriage is at the end part of this video but only because we have both changed & found ourselves in 3 decades we have been together. Neither duped the other. We were teenagers when we met.

[@illillyillyo]

I feel SO called out with this video, but I’ve been healing from the codependent pattern for years and it feels incredible to hear Teal basically tell me I’m doing it right 🥹🥹🥹

[@Nina_Kowsari]

thank you for this

[@yousfiabdelali]

Exactly

[@coach_amy]

I can relate. It's really difficult to walk away when the other person is meeting some partnership needs which hadn't been met before (and go unmet after walking away). But I think there are always red flags. Have you ever had a situation where there weren't red flags from the start?

[@harmonys2102]

Exactly. I’m wondering the same thing… how can this be avoided if one person is being straight but the other is not? There doesn’t seem to be any way to avoid it. In the future if I meet someone who is truly compatible, I’ll be worried it’s just an act and might miss something truly wonderful.

[@Rabbitunderground]

Start tuning into your gut feelings. We all have an inbuilt (sometimes dormant) instinct/intuition when it comes to lies and liars. We can work with this to discern people that are honest and others who are people pleasers.@@harmonys2102

[@TurboTezzify]

OMG Teal is my Goddess. She is so incredibly clear sighted. Thank you from the deepest part of my soul for this video ❤🙏✨️

[@revision_spirit5582]

Phenomenal information!

[@viknopoly]

Im sorry your going through what your going through .....I am here for you Teal together forever

[@danireese7813]

this is something im currently experiencing. i told myself my next partner would not be a smoker, but i met the most incredible guy... needless, to say, he smokes. ive overlooked it and been pretty chill about it. now six months in, im struggling with it. I also finally got a long overdue asthma diagnosis. i dont want to ask him to completely change his lifestyle for me- he already quit smoking in the house when im there. but the third hand smoke still is a thing. i dont want to ask him to further change regarding the matter, but my tolerance for it is getting lower and im realizing my initial infatuation caused me to overlook this huge factor. it would be good for him to quit, but that's obviously not the point. i think it comes down to me expressing to him the awareness of the situation, as teal spell out, if theres any hope to not have it be the deal breaker. im going to watch the pendulum swing video now. thanks teal. *deep breath & sighhhhh*

[@theuniverselovesumorethanuknow]

Love love love those earings!

[@markcdeyoung3118]

💯 on that 🙏 have a good week Teal❤

[@mapraboy]

MY GOSH ... this woman hits us with some really POWERFUL truths da we really really NEED TO MAKE CONSCIOUS ...

[@solomonherskowitz]

This is so well said

[@ilivedinagym]

You are really smart, in a unique way. I appreciate you Teal, Thank you for your service.

[@russellheyns1846]

I totally agree. Narcissism is a direct strategy and codependency is an indirect strategy. Really just comes from the evolutionary biology of men and women. Men compete openly. Women compete covertly.

[@cameronmcfarrin4587]

You just described the typical "nice guy", who is needy and uses his partner to bring him validation, and he says yes to things that he's not comfortable with. He accepts being 'just friends', knowing he wants more. Once he realizes he can't get with her, he becomes a complete ass and she's taken aback. The issue with their relationship is it was a lie, so it will never be the same. Be yourself and be honest about what you want and need. If they can't meet your needs, it's incompatibility.

[@EveofPyrite]

I have done this before bit I cut them off once I realized they eerent giving me what I want. I genuinely assumed they would know what my needs are but when they opened up to me I realized we wanted different things

[@andrenergy1272]

I just thought about this today and wondered: How would Teal respond, if I would explain her my situation with my mother... Thank you so much for easing the confusion. Love you :)

[@Mabymab575]

After almost 18 years of marriage 3 kids , I recently had my husband perform this famous flip . By far it IS the most painful yet bizarre at the same time . These people are masters at mimicking behaviors and have the “kill em with kindness “ act down to a T. Sad AF

[@iceriahikari4707]

It's really difficult indeed. I tried to be assertive in our relationship and he had a self-destructive reaction. He was holding my hand and he went in the middle of the road. It was traumatizing for me and triggered my Fawn fear reaction which in turn made me really codependent, sacrificing too much and saying yes even when I don't want to. I'm glad I got out of that relationship, but I also admit that I am at fault for regressing into codependency once again.

[@faith2691]

I needed to hear this. Thank you.

[@auryn684]

Ok - but if ‘Brynn’ kept telling everyone she had magical abilities (psychicness, knowing what other people are *really* saying/thinking/believing/etc., being able to foretell the future) - then how is it possible that ‘Bruce’ tricked her? Why didn’t she see that he was saying yes, but feeling “no” in his heart? If I was Bruce and believed that Brynn knew everything, I would absolutely think she had been using me and leading me on 🤷🏽‍♀️ Brynn can’t have it both ways. She can’t profess to know it all and have all the answers AND say that she was tricked. That makes no sense to me.

[@Truthseeker-sd2ho]

Coming from a very severe codependent, we are very good at hiding who we truly are because we don’t know who we are. Bruce did not intentionally mean to mislead Brynn, he was just trying to get his needs, met and manipulated the situation.

[@OllieSmiless]

I can't even see that Bruce misled her. He did everything for her the way a boyfriend would, and Brynn should not have let him pay her mortgage. Why did Brynn let him act as a boyfriend (minus sex), while thinking of him as a friend? I'd say that is a lead on. If my "friend" started paying MY mortgage without living with me, I'd ask why and what his expectations are. Noone is that naive to think a friend will pay your mortgage out of the kindness of their heart. Or a friend would help you build your company just for kicks. Brynn treated Bruce like a puppy dog who was wiling to do anything for her and she let him/encouraged it until he wanted reciprocity.

[@lunarae1946]

@@OllieSmiless so that whole time he wanted sex with her? Are you a man or woman? Do you understand how women find it hard to see most men in their lives serially whereas it's a different case for men. Once we don't see them sexualy we can't tell that they see us that way.

[@OllieSmiless]

@@lunarae1946 I'm a woman 😊 unless I'm using someone else's picture here 😊 My post was not about sex at all. The reason I mentioned sex was to separate their relationship as platonic. My point is is that if she didn't see their relationship going anywhere beyond friendship, she should not have even "asked" for things she did. These things aren't appropriate to expect of a friend. I'm not surprised Bruce assumed there will be more. Brynn, however, purely used him under pretence of close friendship. You never use your friends that way, one way street relationship, while Brynn gets a house, a company, someone on her 24/7 speed dial, while Bruce gets nothing out of it. P.S. I did some research on this whole thing yesterday and I understood where this example is coming from and background on this is purely discusting. What I have learned literally shocked me and I'm not following Teal ever again.

[@auryn684]

@@OllieSmiless exactly. Teal is drawing from her own life but she’s presenting it in such a skewed way, it’s upsetting. I’ve been following her for a long time and she’s been getting worse and worse. It’s like she hasn’t learned anything from the documentary.

[@UhuruMaat]

This was helpful. Thanks

[@FioccoCockatoo]

Thanks teal ❤ you can get to the core as noone else

[@starlightmusicdisk]

Thank you real you are changing lives ! ❤

[@markgamache6377]

Narcissism *can* absolutely be personality disorder (NPD). Anyone who claims otherwise is wrong.

[@GoddessAthena_here]

We can perceive beyond the 5 senses. It is our responsibility to differentiate truth from lies.

[@spirituallife3114]

This is me except that i only flipped when they started mistreating me. I was pleasing them, yes that codependent pattern was about getting my needs met indirectly, i was feeling good in just the act of being good enough for them, i didn't expected them to do anything for me, it went well like that for years, they were getting their needs met from me and i was feeling good about doing that for them by getting the validation of being the "kind giving one" which i now know is just codependency. But i flipped recently. My situation isn't like Brin and Brian, the example given in the video that Brian flipped bc he didn't get what he wanted so then he flipped and became toxic to get his needs met. For me it was like i had nothing that i wanted them to do for me. But recently when they changed and started behaving badly to me, disrespectful and insensitive, i felt like I'm being taken for granted and hence mistreated. So i flipped. I never expected them to do anything for me in return, i still don't expect them to give back now that I'm resentful, I'm not entitled about receiving back as i know it's not their responsibility that i sacrificed myself always to put them first. What i am pissed about is how they they started abusing the free empath they had in their life by starting to also disrespect me and be abusive to me, so i felt the need to teach them a lesson by pulling the givings back. Like now I don't do anything for them. They have to earn it. I was doing everything for them for free, not expecting them to do anything for me back as i just felt happy being in the position of being a giver. But I didn't know they'd take me for granted and think i wouldn't snap back, no matter how they treat me. It's only the disrespect and meanness that started from them made me pull back. Otherwise I'd keep happily being a giver to them as that makes me feel good too. Anyway, so those are the last codependent dynamics I'll have in my life. Ik the earlier pattern wasn't healthy. And now my flip is difficult for them too. I'll make sure to not be codependent in future relationships as I'm trying to heal and not be codependent at all.

[@Nepthu]

WOW! This is me and my best friend. He suddenly proclaimed(after 7 years of spending every weekend with me) that I text him too often, and he feels closer to his cousin, so we're not "best friends." We used to talk every few days, but after his outburst, I stopped reaching out. Its been radio silence all month. I suspect he's also autistic.

[@genburke2656]

Okay. So she told tall tales in her youth. Thats what properly developing children do. So she got full of herself and dealt damage to others in her quest for self-actualization in her twenties. SO DID YOU. One undeniable fact persists: She knows. She is speaking Truth. She's making a difference.. "Becoming" is by definition messy and imperfect. She has come out the other side of that crucible more integrated and formed than anything I've come up with, regardless of how fiercely I have raged at this cloud of unknowing.

[@kylecurryyt]

I like the blue wall in the background of this video. Also, great talk.

[@sherececocco]

I knew it and thank you for your energy

[@starqueenlotus3755]

But the girl was also wrong.. how can she suddenly throw someone our of the company and thst whom she claimed to love. ... did she really have his best interests at heart... yes she also was using him Why was she not sharing the rent? Why was she feeling so entitled not to offer her share in pay... Both were equally wrong😢 Yes she indeed exploited him for her own needs & he chose himself to get exploited for getting his own needs met.... I think some other example should have been used to clarify the point where the girls character was clearly healthy

[@muchamocha7]

Learning to become more in tune with one's own truth, and then to be honest about those truths with others (without over-explaining and apologizing and fretting etc), and then to practice being more calmly direct about it, practicing being deeply honest in the moment, catching oneself in or before the glossing over a truth... is a disorienting experience. It's everything, it's profoundly important, but it's also just very unnerving and unsettling sometimes because it's like a pieced together foundation of bare minimum security is being swept from under your feet, and you're the one doing it to yourself for yourself... and there are no guarantees of any type of external acceptance or positive outcomes other than it's your truth that you're standing there alone holding.

[@mannequinskywalker]

Thanks for your insight on this pattern. 🙏🏼 It seems like healthy compromise and managing expectations on both parts would have helped prevent the eventual flip in this scenario... but that would depend on the initial situation that connected the two and their needs at the time. By healthy compromise, I mean both being willing to give/get equally to begin with. It should have been somewhat obvious that someone yielding to every preference, need, desire of another is too good to be true/last forever since we all have our own preferences, needs, wants. Peoples needs can change over many years too, as well as what they are willing to do or not, so renegotiating relationships and checking in to be sure the evolving needs of each are being met/what can be done if not, seems crucial if the shared goal is to continue on together. There should be recognition when someone has sacrificed of themselves, regardless of their doing so in hopes of meeting their own needs, especially by the other person who has not sacrificed or compromised. Maybe it's as simple as making mutual compromises so that it doesn't feel like a sacrifice for either?

[@israelkanz]

Wrong. Dude fell in love. Chick led him to believe he was her soul mate. Left him. Dude turned in to a drunk and abandoned his passions. Wow what a wildly different sounding story with the same results

[@The1974brito]

Your new looks 👌 hair color & how u combine the accessories ❤

[@jillijewel8922]

I'm in this situation AGAIN right now... just a different family member 😔 It's honestly so hard to know who they are until they show who they really are. I'm not a mind-reader esp when they deliberately trick. I rather they show their true face instead of me thinking that person is a part of my tribe when they don't need me anymore, they flip. Now I've given so much to be able to pick myself up again easily... apart from that, when the codependent "nice guy" person noticed I start realizing the truth and I try to distant and put boundaries little by little, they'd hoover you back. And since I've lost so much already, it's so tempting and sometimes gets so easily trapped in that dynamic again. I think I know how to help myself but it really needs good amount of patience, mind games while working the hardest to fill-in things that incline to be more to my self-interests and needs, rather than the usual for them or the whole family.