The Courage to Leave | Norah Casey | TEDxDublinInstituteofTechnology

A powerful personal testimony from domestic abuse survivor Norah Casey on the complex and misunderstood reason why women stay in violent relationships. The real question, she says, is not why we stay but how do we leave. Having spoken to other domestic abuse survivors she charts what she believes are the four phases of an abusive intimate relationship from seduction to the final blow and the hardest (and most dangerous) part of all - having the courage to finally walk away. Broadcaster and publishing entrepreneur Norah Casey was formerly a Dragon in the popular television series Dragons’ den and is a well-known radio and television personality. Her book Spark! was published by Penguin in 2015 and her TedX talk The Cure for Grief has been watched by thousands.
Over the past five years Norah has helped over 1000 business start-ups directly and indirectly. While most of her work in start-ups began as a result of her role in Dragons’ Den she has extended her reach beyond that into other investment spaces. As well as owning Harmonia Publishing Ltd, which is engaged in magazine publishing, digital media, app development, events, creative communications and data analysis, Norah also owns Harmonia Investments (home to a range of investments in diverse areas such as home storage, children’s accessories, media and fashion in both the UK and Ireland). She also owns her own production company Miss Clover Media. Her expertise is in moulding budding entrepreneurs into potential business owners. She does one to one consultations, runs business clinics for budding entrepreneurs and SMEs and mentors early stage start-ups and those seeking growth potential at two to three years maturation. She also hosts, speaks and moderates at a wide range of conferences, seminars, training programmes and bespoke mentorship programmes here and abroad. She is currently writing her second book: Secrets of a Dragon: The 100 Things You Need to Know To Start Your Own Business.
A journalist and former nurse, Norah has been Ireland’s Publisher of the Year no fewer than four times. She has served on numerous boards and is currently a member of the Press Council of Ireland, the London-based Women's Irish Network and The International Women's Forum. She is a former Veuve Clicquot Business Woman of the Year. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@NaireCardoso]

He never hit me. But he hit the wall, he screamed at my face, and everytime he would... I knew I could be next. Left this February, just now found a place to live and a new job. Everyone thinks I've abandoned him in his time of need... But I know exactly what I have escaped from.

[@Therealmc_]

This gives me hope. I’ve been applying endlessly for work so that I can finally leave. Sometimes, it feels like I will never get my break.

[@Brooke-zq7se]

@@Therealmc_ how are you doing? I got out a few months back. I hope you are well.

[@Therealmc_]

@@Brooke-zq7se Hi. I’m doing well. Happy to hear that you’re out. How are you feeling? I’m doing better mentally and emotionally - focusing on myself.

[@federicaromano1996]

same situation as me. I left two weeks ago. everyone would think I left him because of his father's illness.. no one would believe that he is capable of screaming at my face like crazy..at first years ago he started by hitting the doors and breaking forniture, then he hit me on my face this month and I finally decided to leave him.. it'd take me a long time to process everything and relieve my mind from the psychological abuse...

[@NaireCardoso]

To all the women who responded here: it's been almost a year since I've gotten back on my feet and I'll tell you: it does get better. Reach out to close friends and family. If at all possible, see a therapist. Take care of yourselves first, ladies, and never lose hope!

[@alfonsobejarano4531]

Emotional abuse its worst because nobody see the wounds, is a silence soul killer.

[@eileenneumann9855]

The abuser is charming to other people. The see him as a great person. He even fooled my family.

[@dragonflymagictarot1180]

Yup. Two faced

[@letaureauduforex6876]

Great Video clip! Apologies for butting in, I would appreciate your initial thoughts. Have you ever tried - Renulian Staggering Removal (just google it)? It is a smashing exclusive product for understand your partner and take your relationship to the next level minus the headache. Ive heard some interesting things about it and my mate after a lifetime of fighting got astronomical results with it.

[@charubala6307]

Absolutely. Couldn't agree with you more

[@letaureauduforex6876]

@BL Bussiness!!

[@sanction7627]

Yes, my wife is like that.

[@annamaria1003]

We are like zombies. We left emotionally years prior leaving physically. It’s so draining. I’m tired and heartbroken.

[@shaniecegullison]

Me too!!!!!!

[@sallysullivan2122]

This is me right now.

[@goodintentions1302]

Telling him you were leaving was actually VERY DANGEROUS! You apparently had guardian angels watching over you. I'm glad you are out and healing.

[@Sarcastic.Activist]

That’s what I thought!

[@TwoGrainsOfGold]

Brilliant!! The important question isn’t why we stayed, it’s HOW we got out

[@bwilliams4266]

No One honestly deserves to be cheated on at any circumstance or be with a Narcissist this is the reason why we have failed relationships last month I suspected my wife cheating on me a friend recommended an hacker to me on instagram patrick_allen777 I contacted him and he helped me get cheating proves by helping me hack her phone giving me full access to everything she does on her phone if you suspect your spouse cheating on you text/whatsapp him [phone] he would help you out he his so trustworthy and reliable

[@cristinarus5709]

@@bwilliams4266 Well done Karl !!! 👍👍👍

[@lovely1rodriguezsofocused346]

I can say I was in a relationship with a guy friend who I meet from school he was sweet funny cool so I thought but the more I learned about him and got to know him he was more toxic and horribly dangerous he was Schizophrenia I remember he was very aggressive and I can remember him getting so upset that his eyes would be Red and he started to ball his fist and he wouldn't allow me to leave and he would let me know I was in danger and he also held me up against the wall and held my neck with both hands and I remember feeling myself grasbed for air as I fell to the ground and I remember he had a very mean stricket about him so I had to call on another guy friend to rescue me from the bad relationship I was in

[@heather4089]

I put him in prison and while he was getting arrested, he beg me for his mother, that she was going to suffer seeing him in prison and I told him, let her suffer fir a while. My mother needs to stop suffering by watching her daughter (me ) being abuse, she will get a break now.

[@internationalentertainment6906]

EXACTLY 💯💯💯💯

[@mmommo2025]

"But he never hit me" a book that says it all for those who haven't been physically hit.

[@DLM440]

You are so right xxx I wish I could get out

[@suzanneadamson1306]

@@DLM440 U will when u'r ready. U have a right to be safe in ur home & respected. I moved out when he was @ work 1 day. Had to go back 4 the kids some time later. U gain such clarity being away from these people.

[@DLM440]

suzanne adamson thank you

[@indiracamotim2858]

mmommo - thank you for that ! Most people imagine that if you weren’t hit, there was no abuse. Thank you 🙏🏻

[@Alpinewild444]

Indirá Camotim yes😔. his rage felt like a punch.

[@loreeboyd1228]

So we'll said- I wish all women could see this. Your message gives me strength because I just left yesterday.

[@coya34]

Just checking.....are you still gone? I'm a victim too

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

@@bwilliams4266 SCAM/FRAUD, REPORTED!!!!

[@Cornbreadfed82]

God Bless you. I'm trying to leave now.

[@diamondeyez8590]

Well done👏👏👏👏

[@gratitude5740]

Miranda R, Do not hesitate! Don't look back my dear !

[@bezimena4637]

Recently I ended a toxic and emotionally abusive relationship which was filled up with irrational jealousy. During this relationship I felt like the most terrible Person on the planet.. but I left and I am currently in the healing process. To all those who are also in a an abusive relationship: You deserve the love that you are trying to give to the other person. I hope you find the courage to leave when respect is no longer there. I hope you find that the love you gave to everyone else will find you one day. ❤️

[@hikarukoaru4606]

Thank you

[@mariahconklin4150]

This abuse was the worst I was psychologically abused for 4 months now I’m shutting the door on him. I may go back to the church he goes to to share my testimony. Theirs a reason why the church members didn’t hire him and now I understand why. Sad thing is that he’s an elder at a church. Very depressing situation. 😢

[@kaxiong3318]

Omg! I have been in emotional abusive relationship for 34 years. I want to get out now and don’t want to tolerate anymore.

[@nasifahossen892]

But how to deal with the guilt after leaving? I have left a toxic realtionship but sometimes I feel so guilty....

[@bezimena4637]

@@nasifahossen892 why? You are responsible for your happiness. You don’t have to make room in your life for people who cause you pain! You’ve made the right decision for yourself! That’s not selfish, it’s an act of love towards yourself and the people who really love you and who truly deserve being loved by you.

[@ricardofranco7419]

The mental torture of domestic violence/abuse is also awful. In our 6 years of marriage, my wife hit me 3 or 4 times but the constant stress and grief from her violent outbursts. Always angry, screaming. Always threatening to do something if she didn’t get her way. Then always shifting the blame to me. Even if it was something I had nothing to do with. Like I was some kind of punching bag. I’m still in the process of leaving but we don’t live together anymore at least.

[@iniubongnkanga9390]

Keeping tab on your husband or Narcissist partner isn't something i'd suggest you dive into, notwithstanding, if you need to clear any doubt concerning what secretly goes on in your relationship, he is quick to accomplish results without fail just like he did the last time when i hired him, so i have to make reference to him. He paid great attention to fact as a legit expert and aided me to catch a cheat and his fee is affordable. Contact (geniustracker) on Whatsapp [phone] or you can text/call him on [phone] and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) thank me later...

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

@@iniubongnkanga9390 SCAM/FRAUD, REPORTED!!!!

[@em4315]

Run! Never look back. They don't change. They only get worse with time.

[@Anonymous_starrrr]

did u punch her back?

[@ricardofranco7419]

Alina K of course not

[@NunYaO]

Never tell them you're leaving! Yes, I've survived that too.

[@mmommo2025]

my gut told me to leave at the VERY beginning, and I did try, but he subtly threatened, I stayed for 37 years, robbed me of my youth, never got to date, he cheated the whole time.

[@Mix-su4fm]

I'm really sorry for you... I hope you are doing better now. I understand what you went through, much love

[@KayKay-fc5sg]

Wow. My prayers are with you.

[@janetamplin7318]

Hold your head high. Proud Lady 😁🤣

[@nicolemurphy2629]

Just cheated is that all?

[@nandintshangase5654]

nobody listens when you tell them what to do, but everybody gets empowered to change when you tell them about your story

[@writeousrhema]

Love this comment. Well said and good point

[@kittykat--]

Words of pure wisdom. TY....

[@maryxm1]

I stayed 27 horrific years. I left after my mother and father died. ...but I've lost my children and my siblings don't believe me. He is a covert narcissist with psychopathic tendencies but I'm the one who sees through him.

[@debralucas2224]

High five 🌺

[@maryxm1]

@@danielaf9538 I think it was the sadness and grief of losing them, combined with his inability to comfort me in my grief. It was like the straw that broke the camel's back.

[@maryxm1]

@@danielaf9538 If you can get the courage, then tell them, but be careful if you have children with this man. He will use them against you and possibly alienate them from you. That is what my abuser did to me. My siblings don't believe me so I've had to cut them out of my life. If I knew what he would do, I would have stayed. Nothing will replace the years I've lost with my children. So choose carefully. Try to make a life with good friends who know your situation but support you. Likewise tell your siblings. Get their support too. Contact a domestic violence centre for support. Just build up your support so that you are not just listening to his negativity. Of course if you have no children, I'd pack my bags and run. These are my honest thoughts and feelings from my experience and I hope it helps you 💜

[@gratitude5740]

Daniela P, when my mom found out I am getting a divorce, she said, would you go and try to CONVINCE him to stay?! WTF?! It took me decades to leave ! Why would I want him back ?! She had lived in a very physically abusive marriage with my father . She wanted same for me ?! Even I as a child was telling her to leave ! I was protecting her from my father's blows and attacks! No, I told her ! He is better off alone !

[@nancynahnigoh3550]

Left that situations even you lost your children because if you stayed he abuse you to make matters worst your children can feel and seen the emotional you have they will trauma them , show to your children you are a strong woman that you never need such a man if you left your children will be find he is after you not your children but he using children to seal you from leaving just left , what is the points you staying you are just living corpse with living soul yet you don't have soul to fight back and protect yourself first priorities then you protect your children

[@dianerose7631]

I’m finally convinced the best option for me is to leave after years on the fence

[@claudiamachado2759]

Girl you are my hero! I left a narcissistic friend whose mask started slipping and I peeked at the monster that lives behind. No physical abuse in my case but the emotional devastated me for a long time. Much love

[@raheelasamejo3084]

My story is the same. Emotional abuse is so hard to identify but I got out. More power to you

[@HYPERLLAMAS64]

I went through the same thing this year. It gets to a point where the stress and anxiety that someone else is causing you is not worth it, and it's way more peaceful to spend more time alone.

[@MsElke11]

Can lack of attention and apathy be considered emotional abuse? That's how I'm feeling after 23 years.

[@kimlec3592]

​@@MsElke11Y E S

[@f.frederickskitty2910]

Same. Leaving that friendship made me realize I am also married to a narcissist. Leaving that relationship has been more difficult. I want to leave but I'm too scared to save myself. I can't understand the hold he has over me (I'm the primary earner in our house).

[@dz584]

Im trying to leave an abusive relationship of two and a half years. Thank you for speaking about this.

[@2cleanceline267]

me too , i wish you luck !!!!

[@Yiebvskksv]

Hey did you leave? And how are you

[@melissapacheco-grimes9921]

Me too

[@Mix-su4fm]

We are always waiting for the right time to leave, but that time never comes. You are strong enough to leave when you decide to. If you can, you should tell anyone - a coworker, a friend (if you still have), family, or just calling domestic abuse lines. Whatever, but be sure to find whatever you need to leave if you can't provide for yourself.

[@cutietube9588]

Hi, i am so sorry. Everything will be okay. have you left?

[@cruiseny26]

This is exactly what it feels like. You don’t understand it until you go through it.

[@carieyoung1111]

the love-bombing turns to hate bombing...it's the most destructive, sad and miserable realization when you realize you married a malignant or covert narc. I fell for both (married both 10 years apart) which I thought they were completely different but had many things in commen...just the covert was way more sneaky and the malignant was way more of a BULLY. I left both before they could discard me but it didn't make it easier. It cost me many years of pain and tears but now I realize I drew these to me to learn to love myself...and now I love every bit of myself - so much that no one will ever talk badly to me again - nor will I fall for the I LOVE YOU in 3 weeks...or 3 dates. No thanks.

[@Mel-dw8ew]

This made me realize so much, I'm not being physically abused but emotional. But everything you said it's the same exact pattern. He yells and screams and says I'm the one who is causing this and then when I tell him I can't do it anymore he cries and begs and promises to stop and to stay and he'll make it up. It's kept going on for 3 years and now I'm pregnant and it is still happening to me I'm leaving for sure

[@kaxiong3318]

I definitely relate to this; still with him for 28 years.

[@galewallblanco8184]

@mel9512 Do leave him indeed, and do not worry about being able to provide for the child or not, I dont know your life, but trust in your safety and your wellbeing, you will find a way to persevere. My conclusion comes from my experience growing up... my parents had the most abusive relationship for all their marriage and my childhood was horrifying, don't make your baby go through something of the sort. Funny thing is that after my dad and mom divorced, my dad became way more chill, he stopped his destructive behavior. He was abusive because he actually didn't love her and they weren't compatible, and in these cases its always best to be parted and go separate ways.

[@Mel-dw8ew]

@@galewallblanco8184 thank you so much for this comment, I actually did end up leaving almost a year ago and I have my son w me. We are now living safely and I'm giving him the best life I can

[@rayy4pres194]

@@Mel-dw8ewthis just made me burst into tears. A dear friend of mine is going through this very cycle explained in the video and she too is now pregnant after a violent beating. I am afraid for her life but also trying to find the words to express my concern without offending her. I am afraid for the children she already has. This comment is encouraging me to send this video to her. She needs to know she is not alone and it’s possible to leave. I am so proud of you mom! You are a hero and your child has a great example of love and strength through you. God bless you and your family. I hope you and baby are doing well, truly❤

[@prystineechevarria9888]

I live In those cycles daily. The more violent and obscene he would be the more broken and dependent I was to getting to that tenderness phase.

[@iniubongnkanga9390]

Keeping tab on your husband or Narcissist partner isn't something i'd suggest you dive into, notwithstanding, if you need to clear any doubt concerning what secretly goes on in your relationship, he is quick to accomplish results without fail just like he did the last time when i hired him, so i have to make reference to him. He paid great attention to fact as a legit expert and aided me to catch a cheat and his fee is affordable. Contact (geniustracker) on Whatsapp [phone] or you can text/call him on [phone] and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) thank me later...

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

@@iniubongnkanga9390 SCAM/FRAUD, REPORTED!!!!

[@aliceflowers5966]

This give me the strength i needed to leave my abusive boyfriend. He actually used to beat me in public.

[@shug_no_avery8172]

I’m so sorry Alice, he hit me five days ago and is trying to make up to it with a LV bag

[@ChandanaCTV]

@@shug_no_avery8172 please run

[@d.froggiez369]

It just gets worse, trust me. It's an endless viscous cycle. First safe change u get please leave, make a plan. I hope you all are all safe🙏🙏🙏

[@wispagoessolo623]

Wow god must have sent this to me today. I so needed it. I understand myself better for listening to this. I have just left a verbally abusive relationship. And iij called out now a ex friend for body shaming another woman. I too have found intolerance for bullies !

[@pehandekuss]

Extremely brave Norah! I am a survivor of female abuse. They come in all shapes and sizes.

[@sarasimm6668]

That explains why I am the one at work to bring a grievance against a bully. I think surviving abuse makes me more aware.

[@iniubongnkanga9390]

Keeping tab on your husband or Narcissist partner isn't something i'd suggest you dive into, notwithstanding, if you need to clear any doubt concerning what secretly goes on in your relationship, he is quick to accomplish results without fail just like he did the last time when i hired him, so i have to make reference to him. He paid great attention to fact as a legit expert and aided me to catch a cheat and his fee is affordable. Contact (geniustracker) on Whatsapp [phone] or you can text/call him on [phone] and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) thank me later...

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

@@iniubongnkanga9390 SCAM/FRAUD, REPORTED!!!!

[@OffalyNice]

I'm the male victim of a female. Similar story to this. The violence wasn't as bad as this but was mostly coercive control and psychological. I availed of ODVSS, Offaly Domestic Violence Support Service in February 2019 and there was a good outcome.

[@user-ee5om8wy7u]

The same logic I can apply to employment. If at work you are being exploited, have the courage to leave! It does not matter how much they pay you - money is not worthy of being overworked and exploited and abused at work place....I know the fear of being homeless keeps us trapped sometimes in a bad job, but it should not stop us from looking for a new job.

[@writeousrhema]

Needed this

[@brendadiaz4003]

Thank you so much for sharing, I myself was in the exact same relationship for 12 yrs, many nights of abuse of every kind. The excuses were after everytime he would hit me, and what followed was the special gifts and trips, I know now that it was his way of keeping me, it became an addiction to me because even though I knew it wasn't right I allowed it because I knew the man I fell in love with would show his self for a few weeks and I wouldn't be hit again for awhile. I am currently in college specializing in domestic violence and substance use disorder counseling, I want to help women gain the strength to get out of their toxic relationship safely and gain their confidence back. I am a survivor and I am proud to say I made it.

[@sahelichowdhury]

Wish you a beautiful life ahead!

[@aishamalik8405]

I’m so sorry you went through all this. I couldn’t listen to the whole thing, I just can’t. I am pregnant with my daughter and I pray every day that she never gets to meet an abusive man like that.

[@dragonflymagictarot1180]

Listen to it when your child starts schools. Bullies breed bullies.

[@CallMeNana]

The more she talks the more similarities I see in my own situation 😔I’m questioning everything ..... it just hurts so much to hear these things out loud

[@kerennoyman1988]

I really hope you left by now and that you're safe ❤️ Sorry for what you've been through

[@angelesmendoza1003]

I follow Dr Ramani in KZbin, it has been like a Master Class on the Abusive Narcisit! Watch them...

[@CallMeNana]

Keren Noyman to be honest..... I’m still thinking and thinking 😔but thank u that is so so sweet

[@CallMeNana]

Angeles Mendoza thanks ! I will check it out !🥰

[@kerennoyman1988]

@@CallMeNana Don't think! Women get murdered every week by their partner. Please leave, but do it safetly, it's always the most dangerous part. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel safe and free, you deserve better. Please let your close friends know and they will help you

[@lindamariani6921]

I left 5 years ago , now live in another state. Stayed because I was living in fear, left by praying for Gods peace and courage. Men or any other partner do not love you if they verbally or physically abuse you. Best thing I did was leave. God is rebuilding and restoring my life. I know no longer live in fear but have hope by the grace of God.

[@ufuomat3295]

"He became a bigger monster 👹 after I left " I can totally relate....

[@shug_no_avery8172]

Narcissist do get more monstrous after the grade a supply leaves.

[@AHimmell]

The parallels to my marriage and circumstances are uncanny. I hear the words “get out” in my head regularly. I am a nurse. I feel like I could spoken your words about the phases of leaving out of my own mouth in almost the exact words. Moving and inspirational. I move back and forth between awakening and leaving. Closer to leaving than I ever have been.

[@berryh5299]

This is so familiar. The phases. Mine was smart and didn’t physically hit but was vicious verbally, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually, all behind closed doors. Image was everything to him. I still have nightmares. When I decided to leave I adopted the mantra, “back away from the car”. I had to leave as quietly as possible, to save my life and sanity. Just one year out and I’m recovering. Thank you for sharing your inspiring and relatable story. God bless you.

[@ISa-jy8ol]

My journey has morphed....physical violence is a pattern that I have outgrown in my relationships......but emotional abuse is still a pattern that I cannot shake.

[@monicaelyn2393]

Wow. Clearly, a brave woman but what an incredible speaker!! BEST to you Norah!!!

[@marynolan3471]

Just 1 thing never tell them you're leaving, that when many were killed.

[@diannedodge461]

The more we talk about this and learn about the behaviors-the better we can equip our young women on what to look out for right away. Thank you for sharing your story. You may never know how many women (and men) you have helped by having the courage to tell your story.

[@arreola891]

Exactly! I'm teaching my 2 daughters about the realities of abuse and the red flags to look out for.

[@alixvictor1786]

Emotional and verbal abuse leave scars that no one can see. A man who claimed to love me dearly would kick me out of our shared home at least once a month for the past year. Finally I have left and I will never look back. His words no longer have power over me.

[@winnieesther4943]

Right now am sick to my stomach!!am tired!I wish I had money to start all over again with my children

[@rashamneimne4331]

winnie esther i feel you I’m sinking day by day.

[@iminzageorgina6572]

Me too

[@annag2005]

And me😔

[@diamondeyez8590]

Same here..all the best❤

[@winnieesther4943]

@Hasta la Vista. thanks so much!

[@maeking5121]

I'm glad I came across this video. I'm planning to leave this abusive relationship right now. I'm torn, kinda confused and at the same time I'm very scared. All I can do right now is pray to God to help me and plan a slowly but surely scape. It is not very easy when u r in the situation. It's easy said than done. Very hard!😥

[@LG-wx1zw]

If he walks in the room after not seeing him for three days and you don’t feel happier seeing him, it’s time to leave.

[@dragonflymagictarot1180]

Bravo 👏 👏 👏 The highs and the lows. Its like a cigarette...the heart rate acceleration within seconds and then, the calm down. Toxicity is addicting. I was in that illusion too. He even made it seen like I was the narcissist and the abusive one; I would tell him off and wanted to end things for disrespecting me. I alwyas stood up for myself. And he would say, "why do like to argue?" Just because they say things calmly doesn't mean its not abusive. Just because they cry, doesn't mean they have feelings. It's COVERT and MANIPULATIVE* Apologies without change is manipulation period.

[@JournalMyExperience]

I am 30 seconds in and already tearing up. Am so torn with what to do. I feel he needs me but he is choosing to be somebody else and I can’t change that he doesn’t want to be helped. And now blowing up our lives because he doesn’t want me anymore. Why am I here when so many say I deserve better? I love him. I feel his pain and his walls have gone up so high. We are under the same roof but he is not here anymore. Emotion-wise, he left a long time ago and never came back. I always saw through his lies and now I see he is lying to himself. It’s a scream for help but I can read the signs however I want. It’s all in my head now. Every tear carries some hope and so am almost scared to cry.

[@user-sz3in1to2d]

Lifesavers are instructed to push away the person they are trying to help if they don't follow the instruction to stay calm so that they can be saved , because if the person being saved acts panicky they can both drown and no one will be saved . You can't save someone that won't co-operate , please get out , it just gets worst , and more heartbreaking , until you decide it's been long enough to convince yourself you gave it your all

[@JournalMyExperience]

@@user-sz3in1to2d you were right. i left. It’s been the hardest road to recover from everything he did. Short of having the courage to leave the world, i am leaving the country soon. It is unreal how much pain and suffering he caused and yet he is living his best life unaffected by a 12-year relationship exploding in our faces; like nothing happened. i was so easy to erase. He remains indelibly etched in every moment: conscious and unconscious. So as i woke up from one of many recovery naps today, because of a nightmare he was in, i grab my phone to see your comment. You were right. He is in such chaos that he was dragging us both under. So much truth in the instructions you’re sharing today. How did you know people could drown on dry land?

[@angelaeddins889]

I would suggest a person NOT TELL THEM you're leaving. Plan...Plan...Plan...and LEAVE...SILENTLY...

[@patduckworth9109]

Thank you for speaking up on this important subject that affects so many women and men throughout the world

[@millyluthra9009]

I was lucky to realise this after 7 months... ATLEAST

[@goodintentions1302]

I realized it after less than a month. Yet it took me 6+ years to leave. 😒 His crying tears 😭 and apologies, my financial dependance after a child was born, along with my shame for making the choice to marry him kept me there far too long.

[@levelupinreallife9312]

Thank you for this. I'm trying so hard to leave. 💜

[@cutietube9588]

Have you left? I am so sorry but everything will be okay

[@Jessicajasminm]

I’m trying to leave after 9 years I’m just coming out of the fog to the relizations :(. I’m feeling lost in this quarantine being stuck in the same house as the person I’m trying to leave

[@shivanjaywagh8424]

You will get through it , best believe

[@novemberecho3807]

This quarantine must be so difficult for you. You will get through this and come out much stronger for it. Please believe it.

[@Jessicajasminm]

November Echo Thankyou for your kind words I left and am safe.♥️♥️♥️ I hope your finding peace in the little moments of the day.

[@novemberecho3807]

@@Jessicajasminm ❤❤

[@Mix-su4fm]

@@Jessicajasminm I'm really happy for you, be sure to not look back. I recommend another tedtalk calles "why i stayed, why i left". Much love

[@zohraqasimi898]

Nora- I am so sorry for what you went through. I HOPE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!! :(

[@VitalAntics]

Be careful out there. “There are no boundaries” always look after yourself ❤

[@classisinternal]

im sobbing.

[@AshzxQuidYT]

Me too

[@rosezarco9185]

Today and every other day I cried my self to sleep ...Have not talk to him for 8 months the feelings are still deep in me ...just wanna move on ..

[@victoriamd9078]

To everyone hurting, leaving, missing, and Scared. I am scared sometimes too I did leave....and lost everyone and everything. I want you to know whoever you are , whatever you are terrified of... I believe in you...and I'm proud of you You are going to make it Yes I can promise that. Why? Because I am , did and continue to do. And so can.....and will you . Practice truly loving yourself. Forgiving yourself God does and will continue to . I support whoever you are In whatever you are surviving through.

[@clairebearie87]

I'm sad this doesn't just happen to one. But more than one. Countless more than one. Even for one, it would be too many times :/ I am so heartbroken this happened to me and heart broken it's happened to people I know

[@solecurious1448]

Norah you rocked! Such honesty, vulnerability and wisdom all rolled into One Powerful Message. You are already standing in your magnificence. Go out and conquer.

[@ankitanandy6076]

At one point you mentioned you thought you loved him but actually you were scared of him, at one point it was the other way round, I loved him but he assumed all I was was scared of him. I am glad I left before he could be violent.

[@leeleeturn]

Thank you lady. Like so many survivors, you are amazing.

[@rabbiyarizwan7692]

Yes calling out to bullies. That's considered powerful. But somehow it developed within us being a survivor. Won't let that power go ever. Thank you.

[@Hilankii]

Thank you for this amazing talk! Found so many parallels. I think once you realize that you’re not the only one who felt this way it is so much easier to go back to life again (took me years)

[@dabrigley]

Brilliant Talk! And so sad to see the commenters who have suffered all too similar situations. Like Norah, and the many below, I suffered much the same abuse. Sadly, my parents were entirely unsupportive and held to the belief that marriage was until death did us part. It was quite the struggle to leave, but now, many years later and on my own, I sometimes reflect back and cannot believe how incredibly strong I was to do what needed to be done. Best of luck to those who are on their journey to freedom.

[@AndrewN502]

What a beautiful soul and an amazing talk . I just sent this to a friend that needs to leave . Thank you for sharing your life with us .

[@carolineflanagan6855]

Norah is a wonderful speaker and explains this awful problem so well. Some men enjoy destroying women sadly this seems quite common and play on their emotions like its a game of some sort

[@peachykeen9329]

Looking at photos of myself before and early on in the relationship make me sad. Sad for the girl I used to be. I wish I could go back to her. Instead of being naive and soft, I am now a woman with rough and shape edges.

[@muckyguru]

Hey beautiful woman, sending you love

[@luna1234150]

This line: “I was terrified that I wouldn’t have to the courage to stay away from him.” So many of us fear this.

[@juliemichaud9439]

i have just left 2 days ago and I miss my home and garden so much 🥺 starting all over again is very upsetting but I won't miss the sporadic mental torture

[@HolyFacts]

Great to hear you left, thank you for sharing. This is inspiring and helpful for us confused, trapped, and full of shame, I am so tired of feeling horrible for saying the truth, or being a villain for standing up for myself, by telling the truth. I finally woke up after last night, when her excuse to beat me, was because, i said " my chicken nuggets are spicy " and i said it to myself, she literally rose from her sleep to slap, hit, shove, and cause 4 hours of drama, and then literally threw away my food. Then this morning she though it would be justify to deprive me of sleep, because in her eyes, i woke her up and ruined her sleep. I refused to lay my hands on a woman and she takes full advantage of it, she even went as far as talking about my dead father, and saying it was my fault, and making up stories and reasons, she never even met my father. He died from a rare cancer, how insane is that to blame that on me and she never even met my father. I know now, there is no going lower, and i am done with her for good, because its never enough for abusers, I can tell in my heart of hearts, its not enough till she can get me to defend myself, and i don't intent to lower myself as human being for the sick games of an abusive person. Thank you for sharing and thank you all for reading. Thank God Almighty for giving me the strength and character to never need to lay my hands on another person to feel big or powerful. Amen.

[@kimberlyceulemans6015]

I was shook I was speechless I was angry I felt all the feels At the end, though? So proud. To anyone in this sort of situation... My heart goes out to you. I hope you can be safe soon. If you just left... I am incredibely proud of you. You have no idea. I may have no clue of who you are, but I know how hard leaving is. I was not in this sort of abuse, and I hope to never expierence it. But I had to leave a very toxic place and it was the scariest thing I have ever done. I am proud of you. And to everyone else... I either hope you have a safe and loving place, or I hope you can be at peace soon. You deserve love, the one that doesn't hurt you. I hope you are kind to yourself No matter where you stand: I wish you love ♥

[@kathybee-hampton9297]

I ordered your book. Thank you so much for your story. Success after abuse...I'm in the "why did I stay so long phase".

[@66voldemort]

Wow, thank you so much for this talk. I’m in a situation of emotional and verbal abuse. We live together and have 2 toddler age children. He is the breadwinner of our household and I have nowhere to go if I leave and no money, I wouldn’t get custody of our children if I left. I don’t know what to do. It’s so difficult to be with someone who says they love you one moment, then is belittling you, cursing at you, and bossing you around the next. I feel so foolish and regret most having kids with him. They are the reason I can’t leave. He says “where are you going to go? To homeless shelter with my kids?” He know I won’t put them through that. What do women with children and no resources do?

[@audreyelizabeth2817]

In the same situation.

[@melissawolkenhauer7203]

It is hard. Just watching this video shows you that you know something isn't right in your relationship. If you need to go to a homeless shelter with two small children explain your situation. Showing any vulnerability is hard but it is courageous....think about your kids a little deeper and think about them in the future....they will respect you for making your stand whether it be leaving or getting your point across the right way and getting any help needed.

[@lauriej.3544]

You won't always be in a homeless shelter. It would be a temporary stop on your Underground Railroad. Counseling and legal advice will give you access to enough money to live elsewhere simply but safely. You will, in the long run, be a courageous example to your children who are suffering now more than you realize from seeing their mother abused. Don't let a bully con you into believing you will be on the streets with your children; find a place to stay, but if you can't, don't be afraid of a shelter. Be afraid of the depressing undignified life you are living now.

[@MHDREAD]

There are shelters for women & children that will help you and get you on your feet again... you deserve the world. None of what he’s given you.. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your precious babies. It will be worth it. One day the pain and fear of all of this fade.. I’m speaking from personal experience.. you’re worth so much more than what you’ve been given.

[@HMSkillBuilders]

they are out there...go to a library, or a hospital and ask for help.

[@RedLoopster]

Watched "the cure of grief", immediately wanted to watch more of your speeches. Thank you for sharing your story!

[@brandynissley1049]

Osculating between phases 2, 3 and 4. Ever experienced physical abuse this horribly.

[@JenAWren]

Brilliant...I am with you 100%.

[@rose4490]

This is so sad, and I'm glad that she got out, then had the courage to talk about it, but all I could think about was how much older than her he was than her. She was 22, and he was nearly 40 is how she described. He was probably 17 years older than her, that's old enough to be her father. When I was a young woman in my early 20s I remember that older men used to always hit on me, and I was always disgusted by them. I don't care what some people say about so called ageism, but I don't think it's normal for a person to have a romantic interest in someone who is young enough to be their son, or daughter. I have always found it to be rather a predatory behavior for someone to be interested in another person who is so much younger, it has always seemed to me that the older person is looking for someone to control, and dominate. Yeah, I couldn't ever relate to peers who found older men attractive. Yuck!

[@iniubongnkanga9390]

Keeping tab on your husband or Narcissist partner isn't something i'd suggest you dive into, notwithstanding, if you need to clear any doubt concerning what secretly goes on in your relationship, he is quick to accomplish results without fail just like he did the last time when i hired him, so i have to make reference to him. He paid great attention to fact as a legit expert and aided me to catch a cheat and his fee is affordable. Contact (geniustracker) on Whatsapp [phone] or you can text/call him on [phone] and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) thank me later...

[@marynolan3471]

So well done Norah. I admire you so so much, much health and happiness to you from an other survivor of 22 years of Domestic abuse. Its tough looking back never mind speaking public about it. You speak so well and for all to understand. God bless all who are today suffering under the violent hands of their partners and give them strength to leave and get their power and freedom back and enjoy life again 👏🙌❤️

[@charubala6307]

I was there, had the courage to leave!!

[@livinggood6876]

Magnificent and brave talk. If we never learn boundaries growing up, we are easily lured by the charmer. We must learn to find our voice and the way out, like you say.

[@shaniecegullison]

He just picked me up and threw me right into the ground head first!!!!! I'm beyond hurt and hearbroken and yet scared to go again.this was years of buildup for me and I yelled out something out of anger and he ran at me and attacked me

[@drivinginutah6375]

Hard to leave with a child, after 7 years it's very hard. They beg and promise they won't do it again and I want to believe but every week for 7 years I am lost

[@sheilamurphey1852]

The only problem is he will do it again, darling. And he will not ever stop. Don't let 7 years turn into 8 years. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your child. You are stronger than you think. Sending love.

[@drivinginutah6375]

@@sheilamurphey1852 not to justify but what if they just started medication a couple days ago, they were just barely diagnosed with depression with psychotic features and schizophrenia. Be patient or leave?

[@sheilamurphey1852]

@@drivinginutah6375Mental illness and abuse are two completely different issues and need to be addressed separately. Is he owning up to, holding himself accountable for, and actively seeking professional help around his abusive behavior towards you? While you may feel compassion for his mental illness issues, (and believe me he is counting on your compassion, it's how abusers operate!) those issues are NOT an excuse for abuse! Do not fall into that kind of thinking (trap). Does he yell at, hit, acuse, isolate, verbally tear down, diminish, check up on and threaten other people outside of your relationship? I'm standing next to you and sending you love and strength.

[@drivinginutah6375]

@@sheilamurphey1852 many thanks, it may be a surprise but it is my girlfriend, we have a child together, I guess you could call it holding herself accountable but she still does the same thing a few days later every week, she has threatened if I leave her she will make sure my friends and I pay, she is very physical, last week she punched me so hard it broke my teeth and nearly broke my fingers, she has broken glass over my head many times, the state is finally contacting me asking if I need help and I have accepted, they put a protective order for my daughter and I when she went to jail but when they released her the next day she came back and got in and was violent again so they arrested her, her mom bailed her out of jail and took her to our local psychiatric hospital where she was diagnosed with something else again. She is begging me to take her back saying it's not her, it's the voices. I never fight back I always just take the beatings and try to run away and have some recordings to prove it, that is why I have never been charged with anything and she is now on her 5th domestic violence in front of a minor, I finally got the courage to get a storage unit and start moving my things out. She has passed her violence towards her mom and headbutted her so hard that she required 12 stitches on her forehead recently

[@CeCe-os3ul]

@@drivinginutah6375 please leave. I just left a domestic violence relationship yesterday. It's painful but it's need to be done

[@MsElke11]

Husband is not violent.... But his apathy towards me hurts just as much.

[@indiracamotim2858]

I’m just glad you are free.

[@Slightb5l]

It takes time to gain the courage to leave. And while I'm listening to her story, I'm surprised that my older brother acted the same.... He almost did it until I knew how to defend back.... and now, he's acting innocent. He even blames me every time he acts badly. For my entire life, I've been living with someone who's not my brother but a bully. This year I think I'm planning to leave now without any money savings. But also, my brother will make me feel guilty that I'm betraying the family if I leave. That's why I'm scared to leave but I wish I can find the courage to leave. My mom wouldn't let me leave but she's working abroad now. She wouldn't understand because my brother has been lying to her and knew how to twist the story. This video gave me an idea that it is time to leave and it is ethical to keep the distance from the toxic environment

[@AffirmativeArtsOnTheRoad]

Norah, I honor you for your incredible generosity, courage, and wisdom in surviving, figuring it all out, and now, sharing your powerful, painful story with us. So many of us....way way too many of us have this story but haven't yet found our power as you have. I admire you, and i am grateful to you for sharing and validating what we know but don't know what to do about. I cheer you on. I send care and love and gratitude to you!

[@ndvhealingsupportinc.teach7880]

Thank you for sharing !

[@nandintshangase5654]

wow this is so influencing. Thank you for this

[@chrisuniverse5979]

We need more Ladies like you, I just recently left a long g term relationship that just," didn't work out"

[@iniubongnkanga9390]

Keeping tab on your husband or Narcissist partner isn't something i'd suggest you dive into, notwithstanding, if you need to clear any doubt concerning what secretly goes on in your relationship, he is quick to accomplish results without fail just like he did the last time when i hired him, so i have to make reference to him. He paid great attention to fact as a legit expert and aided me to catch a cheat and his fee is affordable. Contact (geniustracker) on Whatsapp [phone] or you can text/call him on [phone] and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) thank me later...

[@sunshineb1778]

that's a lie don't contact him he won't help.

[@mansiparmar2111]

" Do not make me do this"

[@luceroloza6800]

God bless us women

[@mariaolsrud7346]

Survivor is a very good word!!! Thank you!

[@cathleenpowell8037]

So inspiring! Thank you...

[@lmb4876]

You are a brilliant speaker!! Thanks so much for sharing this familiar story.

[@manjotkaur461]

You've seen a lot and that too worse than anything that could possibly be. I pray for you dear lady. Wud ve taken you so much courage to share it reviving it all again. You're an inspiration for tolerance.

[@lucyespila3401]

Thank you for sharing your story.

[@iminzageorgina6572]

Wow well spoken God is good

[@bretlytaylor3981]

Thank you for sharing this, it gives me hope.

[@ashleycoley7482]

Thank you for sharing your story it’s helped me so much! I listen to it over and over just so it can give me strength. Thank you for being strong.

[@terryrowles]

Thankyou for sharing

[@cuisined]

How I figured out this wasn't translated by TEDx is when she said *How did I live* and the auto-generated version said *How did I leave* which 'Leave' is completely out of the speaker context. Please fix it!

[@lizgermain8190]

Thank you for sharing your story

[@Kiimii_]

Wow LOVED THIS TALK!

[@ZillahGlory]

thank you... this blew me away. sharing forward.

[@angelagilesklockeYT]

Thank you so much for your courage to share. So much of this resonates, of course. Much love to you!

[@moinusong1]

I could totally relate to you dear. As I was in similar situation. It ended but very violently. It’s been years , just to help myself and others… I have written a book “Ambient Silence “. Perhaps, someday I’ll be on Tedx to share my story. Until then be brave and strong.❤️❤️❤️

[@tracysaundersmakeup]

Thank you for your honesty. I’m in tears