Surviving Trauma: Without Forgiveness, Can We Still Heal? | Tara Walker Lyons | TEDxHieronymusPark

Tara shares personal details of her own experience of childhood sexual abuse, reflects on her own ability to forgive, and shares action steps she has taken to heal, including passing Tara's Law and creating a state holiday in Montana. Tara Walker Lyons is a professional photographer, a proud Piikunii (Blackfeet), and an outspoken activist for painful issues relating to her tribe and beyond. Born on the Blackfeet reservation and raised in the Bitterroot Valley, Tara has established herself as a prominent voice for tough issues like childhood sexual abuse and missing & murdered Indigenous people. Lyons is a passionate Indigenous leader and survivor of chronic childhood trauma. By working to pass multiple pieces of legislation, speaking to audiences across the country, and sharing her story of survival & strength, Tara has established herself as a prominent voice of change in our State. Tara has worked to reform Montana’s Statute of Limitations laws, created our country’s very first “Sexual Assault Survivor’s Day” in Montana, and passed a law aimed towards educating children in public schools about body safety. It is named 'Tara’s Law' in her honor. Lyons currently lives in Missoula where she raises her two children. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@annatorres7808]

"Choose your kid always" Ill never understand what makes a mother turn her back on her child for her mans pleasure. Sick and twisted. Bless you Tara

[@leahflower9924]

I feel like there's other kids like her that run scenarios through their head and they won't say anything a lot of people are more worried about being abandoned

[@ryanhein1572]

My mother did. And I see it all the time. Unfortunately, it eats me alive to this day. I’m glad I came across this video. I’m now inspired to research forgiveness for myself

[@quarantinelife6136]

I have a theory. Deep seeded approval of a man. This could be mimicking relationships they have seen growing up.

[@Eubieblake]

Abuse, trauma and denial.

[@lovelystarchild]

Lots of so called "mothers" do it, including my own. That's how people are, they only care about themselves.....95% of women only care about having a man. They honestly couldn't care less about their children & they'll choose a man over their child in a heart beat. Most people do NOT deserve to be parents

[@scotthammond8145]

I am a 50 six-year-old male And a victim of child abuse at the age of 7. I want to thank you so much for being so brave to share your story and letting others like us know that it is not our fault so that we can go forward in life for giving ourself thank you very much..

[@raquelourives8396]

im so sorry for what happened to you

[@EC-yd9yv]

Much love n care from fellow survivor. .💙🙏

[@murderthemassacre]

Im sorry for what you went through, sending love. For me I was drowned multiple times and beaten every chance my father can. It's very hard to recover but I hope your doing better now these days

[@rociofernandez9873]

Hope you can heal

[@wahababdulrasaq806]

Whatsaap him"**

[@mariarasmussen8965]

What an amazing woman. When she told the story about the police officer also abusing children, chills ran down my neck. It is everywhere and it needs to stop.

[@Rastasoul1]

Your absolutely right!!

[@rosepatterson951]

You might be surprised how many law enforcement employees are abusers.

[@ells80]

It will never stop. It might be that it happens to fewer people but it will happen to enough of us who will tell our stories to bring awareness to help prevent it from happening to more people.

[@rosepatterson951]

@@ells80 🖤

[@manaspajamas5071]

@@ells80 There will come a time when horrible things like this will never happen again. We haven't gotten to that stage in humanity just yet, but I believe that one day, with enough survivor empowerment and perpetrator accountability, we will be able to see the end of immorality and violence. But if we want to progress toward a better, brighter future, we can't give up on hope.

[@oriongazer38]

This is a life sentence for the victim. It never goes away. Incredibly heartbreaking.

[@jarkachalmovianska7812]

Thatswhy is important to change your narrative. Go from victim to survivor to winner. Let it make you better and stronger, not bitter.

[@feralcrackpot]

Who the F#%k gives a talk like this a "Thumbs Down". I have nothing but respect and admiration for Tara, her work and courage!

[@tdurhamm]

An abuser

[@kln2729]

@@tdurhamm exactly! To dear ears

[@merieweather9679]

Someone triggered and can’t self regulate their own emotions….one who is broken

[@itsallaboutya]

an abuser or someone like her mother

[@tonyarules11]

"Believe them!! Choose them!" such a powerful statement!! Educate them!

[@angyreyes8885]

My mother did the same thing. It is never easy to move forward. God bless you.

[@babynieve9612]

It's so hard sometimes

[@angelfortruth12]

I understand 🤍🙏🏻

[@maryu8328]

One of the worst things in my abuse healing journey was being told I had to forgive too early. I was told the day my abuse was discovered. It made me feel that no anger or blame or anything could be felt towards my abuser, so I internalized it for decades. Now, in my 30s, I’m allowed to feel my anger towards the right direction and I’m feeling confidence and empowerment. Forgiveness is key but just as important is knowing WHEN and allowing yourself to not hold all the burden.

[@unicornsrice1667]

Has the abuser even asked for forgiveness? I mean, to me, forgiveness is maybe only given if asked.

[@juliehunter786]

Being numb for so many years and now using nothing except tools that l have been given from mental health groups I can now manage to get through a couple of days without reliving some traumatic memory and it feels good to be sober finally

[@srldwg]

@@unicornsrice1667 Forgiveness is not about the abuser being verbally forgiven. It is about the victim freeing themselves of resentment, hate, and anger to live a healthier life.

[@unicornsrice1667]

@@srldwg I actually don't believe that. There are people I have not forgiven, and my life is good and I feel free.

[@srldwg]

@@unicornsrice1667 I respect that. Only you know what you have been through, what these people put you through, and how they affected you. I am sorry for whatever you went through. I am so happy that you have cut people out of your life who only brought you pain. Also, that your life is good and that you feel free. I wish you happiness and joy for many days to come!

[@mikely7354]

I am ANGRY .. This god damn system needs to change and be more understanding..

[@millylee1793]

this is so heart breaking, so many kids suffer in silence and it ruins their life. Thank you for telling your story. Im sorry your mom did not protect you , no one deserves to feel abandoned by the ones who should protect you.

[@sandra8991]

I cried when you talked about forgiving yourself. Thank you for having the strength to help so many children including yourself 🌸

[@dizzydino1]

The Most important step towards healing 💞

[@joannaacevedo6282]

Thank you for fighting for the ones that can’t speak up, YOU are a true hero.

[@joefox9765]

This woman is strong for standing up and saying this in front of a strange crowd. I give her all the Applause 🙏

[@AdrienneEverheart]

I'm so sorry you endured this. Too often children are not listened to and protected. You've done great work here!!!

[@johnwrickel]

Dr Susan Ford wrote a book called toxic parent. She was adamant about how it is not mandatory to forgive your perpetrators. I think this is a refreshing perspective in the westernized world that has been watered boarded with religion and the concept of Duty towards parents irregardless of their atrocities. This speaks to the systemic problem of the lack of proper education for breeders who keep bringing more atrocities to the species that is human

[@tayrathrasher8747]

I agree!

[@sofiamcmarques]

Thank you for sharing this with the world. My eyes wont stop tearing as somebody who knows exactly how it feels like. While our experiences are different, I need to let go of this constant pain.

[@EC-yd9yv]

🙏💙🌼 much love n care!!

[@Jenny-uv4dl]

Abuse causes non stop pain in the weirdest ways

[@jenniferlee1410]

I see you. I hear you. You are not alone ❤

[@Nylon-xj9ml]

Last week I told my mother that my older brother molested me several times, but she didn't believe me. I haven't talked to her since, and I hope I have the power to never talk to her ever again.

[@qarenlee254]

So sorry

[@allisontheillustrator]

Every Child Matters. Thank you, Tara, for speaking up for the most innocent among us. 🧡

[@lilbit8938]

i was in the foster care system from 2 years old till i graduated high school when i turned 18 I know EXACTLY how she feels.

[@heehoopeanut420]

I don't know how much it means coming from a stranger, but I am so proud of you for overcoming the circumstances that you were put in. Graduating highschool and escaping the system is a huge thing and you should be proud of yourself.

[@lilbit8938]

@@heehoopeanut420 thank you that means alot actually

[@epauzm]

Same story...when will this trauma go away and i can forgive my mother? ! I love your story i cried😞

[@EC-yd9yv]

Much love n care!! 🙏💙🌺

[@charlotte5671]

OMG when she said a 12 year old girl was having a sleepover -- What the actual.... Dear God please protect children

[@rishanazish9783]

Cried without tears. I set myself free today .

[@dreamweaver1832]

This young lady is so strong and brave. Glad to see she had stood up for herself and other victims. She’s making a difference. As a survivor myself trauma has been a challenge in my life. She gives me hope.

[@sofiavegazanca]

Sending love🤍

[@skyylea9859]

Powerful deep and scary to know the ones protecting we’re also abusing children.

[@raquelr.6324]

I can only hope that I get the kind of justice that she got.

[@micheladerry5681]

emotion still overcomes her... i got chills in my spine...

[@pennyc11]

We can survive. Forgiveness without justice? Is dangerous. Criminals need to be prosecuted. Victims need to know dangerous people are not roaming our streets. I know my abusers do not want forgiveness but permission to abuse us. Our law enforcement, juries and judges need to pass sentences that keep these dangerous people behind bars. I save my love for the people who saw me through troubled times. Glad you shared your story because people need to know this is real. That we need to be supportive and create laws to protect children from this kind of abuse.

[@justme14445]

trauma fucks you up in more ways then you think....i suffered trauma for 16 years straight...i have never forgiven anyone...im amazed i made it out.

[@stephluva1882]

"How do you forgive the unforgivable!" Thank for sharing your story and giving me STRENGHT

[@deborahdevar5836]

You are so amazing. I'm 62 and although I hold space for healing over the past 45 years for thousands of victims as a holistic self-care massage therapist, I have never told my story to the clan members. I know that it would not be heard. Only now am I forgiving myself for a lifetime eating disorder and not being able to connect with others. In my case it was the next door neighbor and as a latch key kid at four years old it was brutal. It is so common. I'm glad we are all speaking up and shinning a light to listen to the signs in our tiny ones. It's not what happens to us it is not having the support we need to take the time to heal. I love and appreciate you so much. Keep going you are helping us all.

[@marlosunnyfruit4431]

Thank you for this. I am very lucky to have found a man, my husband, who really supports me and gives me safety and understandment in my healing yourney. I Wish and Hope that everyone finds the Safety and Peace to be able to start that healing! 🙏🙏🙏

[@lizabethgussman331]

Not to divert attention, BUT, a latch key kid at FOUR YEARS OLD?!? HELLO!!! Where were your parents? Didn’t you have a babysitter?!? Were you totally unsupervised?

[@arlinegeorge6967]

Your story revisit my trauma. The catholic Church was abusing me went to seek help from a 80yr old nun also named Tara then. She included more nuns n people with power. Here I am being still targeted. I pray for help from any where in our divine Universe. Thank you, bless you. All your dreams come true.

[@bigbubbles6456]

Run as far as you can, the catholic church does not care about your soul, they only wish to take from others and enrich their own lives. Spirituality and god come from within, not from false books.

[@SJan87]

How are you now? Reading your comment a whole year later! 😊

[@phoebegraveyard7225]

I hope you grow to understand that the whole god myth is a lie. It gives power to the undeserving. Do not hand your personal power over to any mangod religion or it’s minions. All of the Abrahamic religions are created by men to subjugate women.

[@christar9527]

I was forced into being a Catholic and I found those people to be very abusive. My parents were horrible, very narcissistic. The Catholic Church has gone downhill even further and my advice would be to get out of it. Take it or leave it.

[@cookingwitheram9486]

So much respect for her . It's not easy to come out and speak up about your own story in public. That takes a lot of courage. Kudos to her .

[@keenobserver6592]

Congratulations on Passing Tara's Law. Thank you Tara for teaching me to forgive myself.

[@PathriciaEtiong]

"the one person you need to forgive is yourself" i never cried hard secretly in my work office desk. that hit me hard. thank you, tara.

[@Mrs.Rodarte]

I was abused and I never got gratification thank you for this....

[@therealdeal3672]

What a moving and gripping talk! Forgiveness is like Trust it is earned and it is not given freely! Some things are Unforgivable! But release and self-forgiveness is how we become more free. Beautiful. So true.

[@rosepatterson951]

I struggle with forgiveness, how can you forgive when the abuser isn't sorry?

[@therealdeal3672]

@@rosepatterson951 no need to. Just forgive yourself for the shame you felt for being a victim. The abuser has not earned forgiveness. You deserve to forgive yourself however.

[@rosepatterson951]

@@therealdeal3672 I like that. Thank you 🖤🖤🖤

[@stregalilith]

Yes there must be sincere contrition on the part of the offender. Otherwise the cheap grace of instant forgiveness is meaningless.

[@christinesizemore2610]

Thank you Tara. The last thing you said really touched me. I have felt so much shame about myself for decades. I have hated myself because of what someone else did to me. Today, I'm forgiving myself. Thank you so much.

[@Dialyn]

This should have way more views. I’m so proud of you sister. You are using your trauma to heal others. I am cheering for you and for changes to be made to protect our children. ❤

[@jenniferlee1410]

We all need to keep sharing this and encourage others to listen to this gut wrenching story and share as well.

[@mikecontos9423]

I really relate to this courageous story. I'm 50. The ensuing self destruction with drugs and alcohol. Extrapolating this out to the abusive parties I am wondering , what happened to them? Alternatively, have the baby boomers simply had a great experience: parents that built wealth, economically good times, a simpler family life? My experience is about parents that never "chose me" and often dashed my efforts. Absent, except to foil my best efforts. The issue, I think, is about mothers who have had still births etc and never been allowed to grieve, they married controlling 60s men. Ive often wished I was raised in an orphanage, is that weird? Thanks for this brave action

[@sunnyadams5842]

I'm 57 and just learned last year why my life has been such a mess and eventually exploded. I went insane last year. It's my parents, too.. They sound alot like yours and alot like so many of us from the GenX era of Benevolently Neglectful parenting. I was SO AFFECTED listening to Tara today, I know there is still much more work to do to get better. What an octopus of a nightmare.

[@christar9527]

My parents were the same and I’m a late boomer.

[@amywilkinson9134]

This should be way more viral

[@lucymusic307]

im a survivor & this was beautiful. i relate to your pain & am so inspired by how you’ve healed 💗thankyou for sharing this 💗

[@charlotte5671]

I am so so sorry. My story is different but similar. I wish I could give you the biggest hug. You are so brave. And a beautiful mom. ❤️

[@philliprader6298]

I so needed to hear this. It's been so hard to live in shame and guilt and not forgive yourself.

[@arleenrobertson7050]

I'm bawling. (HUGS) you're definitely not alone. Thank you so much for sharing your story and working so hard to help other children. My mom stood by my step dad too. I haven't been able to forgive and just recently reached out for help.

[@mariarasmussen8965]

I'm so sorry.

[@BeGlamourlicious]

I’m so so soooo sorry. I can’t forgive my mom either. I understand that she’s been through a lot but she NEVER felt sorry about what she did. I don’t know how to forgive?

[@EC-yd9yv]

Much love n care, from fellow survivor!! 💙🙏

[@cobain4969]

You don't need to forgive.

[@wizzysassy3540]

We could hear the sadness and bravery at the same time in your sweet voice. Thank you for sharing you story, I wish to all of us healing, strength and lot of love and peace ♥

[@greenness7387]

What a strong and beautiful woman you are; your bravery at such an early age allowed for all the subsequent legislation to occur.

[@nicolejttmom6061]

One of the most powerful and moving talks you will ever be blessed to listen to. What a heroic woman. Moved me to tears.

[@tlwaner]

I was so happy for you to share this dark part of your life, and be able to shed light to everyone's eyes. I am so proud of what you have accomplished! With much love, Trayce

[@stephaniewhitlock5796]

As a victim and mother of a victim thank you.

[@natashadefoe7035]

Girl you're not alone, your story is a mirror of my own! Thank God, I'm not by myself. At least you were brave enough to go to the cops yourself. My friend did it fo rme, when my mom didn't believe me, i completely shut down. I'm paying high prices for that now and i'm seeking help. My drive for this, is now, i have a one year old daughter myself and i feel like i need to put her in a bubble to keep her safe.

[@EC-yd9yv]

Much love n care!!! 💙🙏

[@melaniemann4873]

You must learn to let go of it now or your child in future will have other problems to think about as you would be passin it to your child by wrapping her in a bubble

[@mft444green]

Thank you so much for your bravery and fortitude to save yourself and help the rest of us! You are a warrior! DEEP WATERS!

[@TheJinatic]

What a strong woman! I honor your courage, Tara. Still a very long way in societies of our world, to gain Body Safety. Also Mind safety. We ALL are responsible to teach children that they are allowed to have borders and that only them own their body and mind. Live with respect to others and teach your children to dare to speak up against any type of authority.

[@johnfish1194]

What an intelligent and articulate woman. I'm very sorry for your trauma, and wish it had never happened to you. Sadly, this is all too common. The "justice" found for these victims, will never, ever equal the price the victims will pay, emotionally for the rest of their lives. There is no real "justice", that being equal, that you will find. "justice" is a see saw, that tilts one way or the other, never equal for each victim, never equal for each criminal. It is what it is, and what is left, is a victim who is traumatized and must deal with the nightmares, and emotional fallout of such acts. I feel your pain tara, and I'm a man, and former LEO. I wish you the full measure of what peace you can find and love from who you are with.

[@raniazuabi1243]

Seeing such a strong woman like you just gives me hope!

[@hesskelly]

I am so very sorry you had to experience that and thank you so much for sharing your story. Also thank you for your courageous efforts towards building awareness and creating change so that these predators are held more accountable. You are incredibly brave! I have 2 girls and have been teaching them about body awareness since they could talk. The statistics are scary thanks for advocating for innocent kids who don’t deserve this! You are amazing 🌈

[@meganclifford754]

Girl.. you are not alone in our state failure:( I love this. First talk I’ve heard from anyone from mt and it’s powerful! I don’t know one person who hasn’t been failed here and it’s weighing heavy

[@deirddralimoges2066]

Brilliant, thank you. Ms. Lyons. I love the multiple versions of forgiveness and non-forgiveness. Thank you for all of your work.

[@kaela1111]

This is so helpful… it’s easy to get lost in the reasons why we’re traumatized, which keep us reliving the pain. Moving closer to the wound and acknowledging & clearing the dark energy that we’ve lived with our whole lives, is a new concept for me and I think it will be the key to freedom. Thank you 🙏

[@lizabethgussman331]

Thank God!

[@MinaDr23]

Hopefully one day I will be brave enough to tell the story. Thank you Tara

[@luzelmartinez9016]

Empathetically, thank you!

[@surdogal]

Totally inspiring - thank you for sharing 💜

[@surdogal]

What do you mean ? I’m concerned when you say ‘perspective’ 💜

[@sidhikelleher5076]

you brave woman - sorry for your pain xx

[@carolinehope1079]

"Choose them." I was able to hold it together until this part. Thank you so very much for your choice to be courageous, to empower yourself, to empower others. As a fellow survivor, THANK YOU.

[@FarOutKidd]

So many emotions come up within this talk. My favorite message here lies within the actions taken to bring justice to all. Tara shares her strength, courage and commitment needed to make a positive impact in this world. All the while she displays her vulnerability, pain and suffering that we all may see how it's done. Thank you Tara for being a beacon of hope, honor and love. I will take from this a lesson in forgiveness.. As I have more work to do to forgive people for mental & physical abuses... Thank you 💯🔥🙏

[@jeanetteyorba198]

Thank you, describing the kinds of forgiveness helps. You are courageous.

[@olgakim4848]

Thank you, Tara, for your courage and your voice.

[@mariaolsson9497]

Very brave and couragous sharing. Beautiful at the end "Forgive yourself" brought tears to my eyes... and deep sorrow in my heart came through. I somehow now at the age of 60 learn how to speak with my own voice. It´s powerful. Have always been a singer but now I can talk as well. Thank you beautiful, beautiful Tara for sharing this. Greetings from Sweden

[@heatherslaminski6105]

I absolutely wept listening to your story Tara! I said a prayer for you and I am so proud of you! 🤗❤️ So many children and adults will benefit for your use and bravery in using your voice.

[@lynnelizabeth9343]

Your bravery and vulnerability is going to help many. You are seen, heard and loved.

[@user-hc3tl9ud7i]

God bless you sister! I’ve recently started researching and unpacking my childhood trauma. You inspired me. I hope to one day have the courage and self esteem to rise above as you have. Again, god bless you!!

[@rekt3651]

You're a great human being who deserves more out of this world.

[@farhinali3946]

Thank you, Tara. Very powerful information on how to move on from the unforgivable. Release - not revisiting. Never heard this talked about. So many continue to victimize the victim putting them in a dryer spin telling them they cannot have happiness until they exhonorate their abusers with full forgiveness.

[@michelleben541]

You are AWESOME and brave!! Love to you for speaking your TRUTH!

[@MsDBlaize]

Thank you for sharing your story. You’re bravery is beautiful. I too, know this path. Hopefully one day, I’ll be able to forgive me, and exonerate myself

[@Transcendliz]

This just changed my life

[@garysweeten5196]

Great teaching on the various kinds of forgiveness. Wonderful insights from a very brilliant woman. Heroic!

[@lindaibarez8049]

Thank you for sharing your story, my story is very similar to yours. I now have 2 young girls and you reaffirmed that i should talk to them. THANK YOU. I send you light and a warm hug.

[@EC-yd9yv]

🙏💙much love n care!!🌺

[@dorothywertz6829]

Thank you for championing laws to protect our children. You are so brave to tell your story and raise awareness. Bless you

[@tdurhamm]

When you're the victim and your entire life changes but you're made to feel like you're in trouble..

[@tdiddle8950]

It's beyond what I could have imagined when this talk first began. BRAVO! You've done a wonderful job of telling a story that so needs to be told: abuse is entirely too common.

[@dollyhewett2553]

BLESS YOU DEAR ONE.

[@SissySideshow]

You are incredibly brave and absolutely amazing. Thank you so much.

[@zanzeph15]

Thank you for sharing. Helped me put my trauma into perspective

[@e.l.243]

Blesd you, Zanelle.

[@sharonmerner7103]

This sounds like me! my mum also sided with my stepdad and I was not able to prosecute

[@teresadavis6909]

So sorry to hear this.. 🙏🙏

[@marquettamiller608]

I am sorry for your mom putting you second place, mine did the same

[@nattacev9954]

I’ve been a victim as well - we hear you and admire your courage

[@jackiegilleland7599]

This sounds so close to my story and it truly brought me to tears

[@troytempest290]

What a brave & beautiful young lady. Prayers all the way 🙏

[@pattypohlit7803]

I wish and pray so much to have your mentoring and help please and thank you heavy hearted 😢

[@bmckinley6708]

Beautiful. Thank you Tara for all the incredible legislative work you've done, the public speaking, the awareness raising. You demonstrate the right and good kind of power and empowerment, and at so many levels: interpersonal, intrapersonal, community, government, legal. You are an inspiration.

[@jenstacy50]

Thank you for your bravery. If ever you come to MA, I'd love to meet you or hear you speak.choose our kids!

[@lisawashington3747]

I really admire her bravery.

[@Jenuba]

This made me cry. Thank you for this talk ❤️

[@ronrouettejr9212]

That was the most amazing TED talk I’ve seen so far,let alone the most inspirational, empowering case of turning your CPSD into action and healing. I wish her a fulfilling, loving and blessed life ahead.

[@ronrouettejr9212]

CPTSD *

[@MadisonGarcia-ep5jc]

Forgiveness- 1.forgivness does not mean condoning 2.forgiveness does not mean revisiting 3. Forgiveness doesn't have just 1 definition 1. Full Forgiveness 2.conditional Forgiveness (time can be rebuilt) 3.false Forgiveness 4.unforgivness !!![Because of RELEASE we can heal without FORGIVENESS ]

[@njc1903]

What an inspiration! Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you only success and peace in your life.

[@debramorningstar5509]

Oh Tara! Thank you for your bravery in choosing to tell your story! You are a true WARRIOR!! Keep shining, honey! We need you! Debra (WI Oneida) :-D

[@latinafitacademy]

POWERFUL. God set you on this path so you could survive, overcome, and help protect children ~ God only knows how many children you have helped by sharing your story, actually taking action by helping pass laws as well as raising awareness in schools! God bless you and may He protect you and your family always. 😇 💕

[@MzFriday42]

It ruined my life. I wish I was strong like her.

[@Saleigh]

Shame on the mother for not sticking by her daughter that is so sad and wrong when this woman speaking of when she was a child it’s so sad this happened to her

[@brucemah609]

The mother must have been so very abused...she couldn't break the cycle!!

[@TiaraHerr]

This resonated so much with me. Thank you for sharing your story, Tara, and empowering others who've experienced trauma to forgive.