the dark side of pretty privilege

how i overcame body dysmorphia & disordered eating: • how i overcame body dy...
This is a video about how the way that I look impacts how I perceive the world. I talk about how my perception of my own beauty has changed over time as I’ve grown up. I talk about my disordered eating, and how stressful it is when your appearance is your job. I talk about being terrified of aging. I talk about my relationship with men and how I have to have my guard up around them. I talk about situations where I was unambiguously objectified by men.
instagram: @grace.yao
tiktok: @grace_yao
shot on canon m50
edited with final cut pro
graphics made on autodesk sketchbook

[@misssnowykawaii]

You are not alone. I was approached by men like that and for those very reasons, I gave up on dating. I didn't know whether I will ever be liked for being me or if I can form a sincere connection with someone.Before dating someone, i did consider being friends first because it would lead to a slower pace to get to know someone better. However, the men whom I encountered are usually pushy and want a gf fast while barely knowing their personalities. That's red flags for me as " how can you like someone without know her character? and barely spend time with her?" That means they just want to "own" someone & have a girl as an accessory and there is a lot of objectification involved + unwanted physical contact. And some men, when they get turned down, their "sweet" attitudes changed and they become aaggressive for being shot down. That's why i also cannot trust men until they proved that they can treat a woman like a human being who has feelings and emotions too.

[@jfaustin1742]

This is so unfortunately true.

[@darkmessiah8087]

Yeah it's understandable, I have seen dudes being nice towards girls only because they were interested in them but when they refused their proposal they became as cold as ice. It has happened with girls I barely knew and also with some of my girl (space) friends. So yeah, some dudes can be hypocrite to a certain extend. But there are, also, uninterested and sincere guys fortunately. I just don't know the percentage 🤔

[@johnwu2553]

@@darkmessiah8087 so youre expecting a guy to still be friendly after getting rejected?

[@darkmessiah8087]

I think, they don't necessarily have to be cold​. Personally I was interested in some girls but, without confessing, when I realized we wouldn't make a good ship, I keep having a good friendship with them 🤔 @@johnwu2553

[@darkmessiah8087]

​​@@johnwu2553Also she might find some guys that just would like to be friend (I hope). Because I also have female Friends with who they never were any kind of ambiguity. Don't you believe in friendship between men and women ?

[@Camila-kb4fw]

Wow this is a very raw and honestly relatable experience as a young woman that is categorized as somewhat attractive and charming. It’s actually comforting to know someone also thinks about these life experiences and how it shaped your thinking.

[@keiranalei]

i love this, your story matters despite what people tell you. people want to push aside stories people tell relating to their looks because they think they’ve had it harder, or that becoming depressed because of how you look is “stupid.” but it’s a real thing, eating disorders are a very real thing, as well as body dysmorphia. i’ve always struggled with this and constantly still do. i love content creation and would love to be in the public eye, but i’m worried about how harsh i will be on myself and what others might think about how i look, but i am mostly scared about growing to despise myself because i don’t look how i want to. you’re beautiful, but you have amazing personal qualities and i can see that you think deeply and intellectually, which is much more valuable. your looks aren’t the most important part of you, you’re an amazing person in and of yourself, thank you for sharing your story ❤️

[@Grace_Yao]

this is the sweetest message. thank you❤️

[@puritybridges2412]

I’m so glad this video showed up in my feed because it’s so incredibly real. Ever since I entered Highschool and even more so now that I work in a male dominated field, I have experienced the positives and oh so many negatives of pretty privilege. People are nice to me surface level sure, but I cant trust them because I can never know what they want from me and it’s so exhausting. And as a female marine it’s sometimes scary letting any man into my life or even being friendly to strangers after certain experiences where they thought I was nothing more than “something” they could brag about if they got into my pants. There are always good people, but when you have pretty privilege it’s just hard to discern the real from the fake:/

[@kennethkho7165]

The barrier is there. Women find it hard to be assured that it's real. Men find it hard to assure that it's real.

[@gto433]

People in comments shaming her, says a lot about you guys more than it does about her, sorry.

[@sub-fivessurvival]

I'm one of those people.

[@johnwu2553]

wheres your response white knight

[@Maria-mv4ig]

I have no desire to comment on her looks but I think a lot of her videos speaks volumes to how much she hates herself, and I think that's sad. I hope she gets therapy.

[@prowess2121]

The downsides of pretty privilege honestly seems relatable to just about anyone experiencing life. Self-image affects every single person in their own form where expectations are thrown at you at any point of time. Yes, a front facing careers amplifies it more, but not exclusive when all first impression of people stems from how you are looked at, which contributes to whether hearing a 'yes; or 'no' for an opportunity. If your entire self-worth derives from physical attributes, try to pursue hobbies that aren't reliant on them for success. Aging is just a natural process that humanizes people's outlook in life to understand that it is nuanced, and growth always starts inwards. Dating apps and going to clubs are by far the most superficial social interactions, so it's not surprising you will meet men who puts physical beauty at the top, especially those who are more successful. Having an adaptive guard for strangers in general just comes from experience, but far more important for women. Good to see the introspection and I hope for the best.

[@Jantonov1]

Thank you for your self disclosure! I find that being appreciated for being attractive has no soul. It's not a deep feeling. It's like eating icing constantly. Male or female, you can get stuck in this soulless, sad grasp for immediate and forgettable gratification. It's hard to not want it because sometimes it's all you think you can get.

[@gingerlykitten]

I did not immediately see the “pretty” and continued searching for it throughout the video. Didn’t find it.

[@sub-fivessurvival]

They only perceive themselves as such just because they are getting hundreds of likes on Instagram. They only become insecure when they get rejected by a 6'3" White guy.

[@sub-fivessurvival]

my comments are being deleted

[@putaindenoix]

name 3 women that feel comfortable in your presence

[@johnwu2553]

@@putaindenoix name three women youve had sex with

[@DelTacoJosh]

It's kind of crazy that someone paid someone to swipe on the apps for them. Such a huge red flag. But i really enjoyed hearing your perspective. Really enjoying your content and your ideas and your experience in life. Also definitely very pretty. You were a model for goodness sake!

[@Grace_Yao]

thank you for this sweet message❤️

[@Angrybean2000]

I realized how much women but especially men respect me only for my looks after I gained 60lbs in less than a year. I mostly noticed after 2 years later when I lost it fairly quickly. Not at goal yet but omg I’m not invisible anymore but it’s depressing that peoples kindness many times is fake. I would say I’m decently above average in looks, with very typical Eurocentric beauty standards. When I was younger, school parents would always say my brothers will be amazing doctors/engineers/etc even when they showed no interest and I had better grades. To me they said I would be a great model and men would love to be my husband. Pissed off even my parents. I think honestly I’m creeped on and followed more than average, especially since it went to 0 when I gained the weight. Not that overweight people don’t have creeps but when you are only seen for your good looks, you don’t attract the most savory characters. I honestly wish I was average sometimes.

[@yvngjesse6694]

this is so real. thank you.

[@Grace_Yao]

❤️

[@bradcha5413]

That's so sad. Thank you for your story. It's very helpful

[@Grace_Yao]

thank you for watching❤️

[@jcransome5616]

S I mp

[@bradcha5413]

@jcransome5616 awe you're so cute

[@hmph7783]

As someone who grew up into her features (post covid glow up I guess) and learnt makeup and started dressing well YOU WERE SO SPOT ON WITH WHAT YOU SAID! I just want to discuss this a lot with the people around me but I feel like they never truly understand the gravity of this without throwing in the "because you're pretty" at the end of every sentence. It almost makes me feel like I am bothering them when I try to speak up about the creepy encounters I have with men (They are so genuinely terrifying because I think I go through these encounters A LOT). Another part is when you don't feel pretty you can't just let it out you know, I love being pretty really, I feel like people tolerate my quirks only because I look pretty but, when I feel ugly it is always dismissed. I know the feeling might pass but god it feels awful when you want to scratch your entire face. I feel ugly because I feel like I would always have to keep up with being pretty to be worth the time and effort and it feels so exhausting because the men I have met reek of lust at any distance it's infuriating.

[@Grace_Yao]

it’s definitely something that’s hard to talk about, everything you said here resonates with me a lot

[@patobarajas7207]

We gotta have boundaries my loves. ❤ balance the masculine and feminine within. It’ll be like a marriage inside of you all the time. Being attractive can be scary and intimidating, we must have conviction. Allow ur internal masculine to protect your internal femininity. Only then you’ll be able to even identify a man that is in the correct intention/energy self trust is so important and attainable for us. Your intuition as a woman is ur superpower! Of course there will still be unpleasantness this is life after all lol but yeah we gotta keep ourselves safe from even allowing these men access to us in the first place. Love you for posting this, beautiful story. ❤

[@johnwu2553]

you are like 300 lbs

[@Exoticbarbie.]

I had to screenshot this message

[@sabrinae.6361]

Men have been the nicest to me, so the thumbnail is a little off-putting. The rudest, most obnoxious people in my life have been other women I haven’t met before. Don’t think I’m that attractive but it IS a reoccurring pattern that women seem to want to knock me down. My husband says it’s because I’m attractive but I think that is very subjective.

[@K8tti]

After experience, I feel like I am able to actually get more of a feel of people and their intentions, so this does get better. Unfortunately people can be maniacs and use others if they feel like they are able to take advantage. That does not mean that it's joever, you will learn more principles of human behavior and will be able to see through more as you grow

[@frrfee5721]

Sometimes I hide in my room away from the world especially people it could be because I’m empath to

[@jendersonmohammed443]

Perfection is an illusion Grace!

[@DJS4497]

A guy who truly likes you for who you are will take the time to get to know you before jumping into a relationship with you. Unfortunately, a lot of guys nowadays have this "sex has to come first" mentality. Plus, with online dating, looks are the only thing people have to go off of

[@Yo-qp6hq]

This sounds more like the problems of patriarchy and misogyny than it is about "the dark side of pretty privilege." You not being able to trust if a man just wants to use you isn't because you're pretty but because men objectify women. An average-looking woman also has the same problem.

[@georgecrumb8442]

Uh oh, found the Redditor. Get some fresh air and talk to people who don't adhere to your white supremacist ideology, huh?

[@supwhatsupdudes]

Ugly women too, if anything they react very, very negatively to being rejected by unattractive women because they think she should be grateful for the attention. So yes, patriarchy and misogyny.

[@miyagriffin9673]

Yes an average looking woman goes through the same problem but men are more likely to target conventionally attractive they are attracted to so yes being pretty does play a factor in that along with misogyny.

[@georgecrumb8442]

Yawn... noun + verb + "misogyny". Doesn't your incessant whining get tiring? Men are attracted to... ATTRACTIVE women. Shocker! If you hate it, then lead by example and go date unattractive men, like Reddit losers.

[@InvertedBread]

L thumbnail

[@santacruz8507]

*W

[@gto433]

Constructive criticism?

[@jsjsbdjeial]

it made you click tho didnt it?

[@bladerunner8832]

Like the compliment or not, you are attractive Grace 😊

[@NanNan-br8bp]

Hey, at least you're confident! That's the most important thing, remember that.

[@jcransome5616]

She gets endless attention. Of course she is

[@johnwu2553]

if by confident you mean delusional

[@NanNan-br8bp]

@@johnwu2553 c'mon, everyone who is confident is a little delusional.

[@johnwu2553]

@@NanNan-br8bp I disagree, delusional falls into the realm of cockiness…very important difference

[@NanNan-br8bp]

@@johnwu2553 the word you're looking for is narcissistic i think. And you know, KZbinrs/streamers need to have a bit of narcissism to stay afloat. If that makes sense, can't really dig on her for that.

[@universalsubliminals1174]

omg. did i make this video? i relate so much.

[@leonardoaguilerahonduras2067]

Grace is extremely beautiful and intelligent, so atractive and very unique person ^^

[@ayoutubechannel3672]

You are so real for this. Thank you

[@Grace_Yao]

thank you for watching❤️

[@jimmyellis7951]

You should check out the movie Vanilla Sky if you haven't already. Anyway, I wouldn't worry so much about the aesthetics of aging so much as the potential numerous health problems that will surely arise. I get wanting to maximize your opportunities with youthful beauty while you can, but that sort of thing matters so much less when you're older. Time ends up being the most beautiful thing of all... And it's not even real.

[@jcransome5616]

3 thinks she’s a 9 Common

[@johnwu2553]

facts

[@sub-fivessurvival]

Meanwhile her looksmatch is still waiting for a reply in her dms.

[@mytypeshi]

brother she's a model and clearly fits the general beauty standard, hate to break it to you but whether you think shes pretty or not is irrelevant, but if you're so adamant that shes a 3 please post your face instead of hiding behind a keyboard because i assure you that you don't even come close to her. If you're pressed about what she said in the video then you are the type of male that is the issue.

[@johnwu2553]

@@sub-fivessurvival also facts...im glad to see there are some realists on here

[@Claire-cc6xy]

​@@johnwu2553youre in every single reply like a rotting loser

[@StaceyQ22]

In all honesty you are just average ❤ def not ugly

[@SonOfTerra92]

You are not even. Dont kid yourself. Snow bunny heaven > oxford study.

[@zoeymonet]

THIS!! It's such double edged sword. I think you'd really enjoy watching The “Pretty Privilege” Paradox | #workplacebullying | Claire Hunt

[@SarcasticaleeXP]

Honestly you don't even have to be that attractive for men to approach you. I was pretty mid but manage to felt uncomfortable by attention some times. I just started dressing like a dude till I was confident enough to confront those situations.

[@Grace_Yao]

true

[@Bumper_jed]

How are you treated in white society?

[@supwhatsupdudes]

Based on appearance, treated like a 'model minority' expected to be hardworking and smart. Also objectified as an Asian fetish.

[@cceichhorn1]

I'd be interested to know how long your longest relationships have been -- I think it's completely understandable to be distrustful of men given the experiences you've highlighted, but I do think it's possible you'd find trust with a man in a healthy, long term relationship. Trust tends to build over time when you find a great match. Again, this is entirely dependent on your context. I don't really know you. But the sense I get from watching your videos is that you haven't had a lot of terrific, healthy, longer term relationships, and this may be affecting your perspective just as much as pretty privilege does.

[@ElReyElPlayboy]

You look pretty to me. I absolutely would. A lot. A LOT.

[@claudiaschmidt3708]

This girl isbeyond delusional 7:10

[@elliotgreen3203]

I don't like how women lie

[@TheErolind]

Another misandrist

[@johnwu2553]

exactly!!

[@Claire-cc6xy]

average loser

[@P99-v6n]

mid

[@Claire-cc6xy]

average loser

[@cariyaputta]

The halo effect.

[@Martin_salcedo]

The thumbnail might piss everyone off but overall good video lol 😂 .

[@jcransome5616]

🚮

[@Claire-cc6xy]

average loser

[@ddmozz]

interesting, but you're blowing the "objectifying me" thing out of proportion. Yes, men will be attracted to you. Yes, they'll hit on you because we're expected to do it. No, they aren't necessarily treating you as an object. No, men don't care about how successful you are, or at least, not primarily. They DO care about beauty, because it's important. Learn to turn them down gracefully and ignore if they react negatively. I'm not sure why this "analisis" is a thing because it's been this way since humanity has existed and most people intuitively know it works that way. Women provide beauty (meaning youth, fertility, good genes), men provide safety (status, money, protection) and resources (money).

[@bleachedout805]

There are taterthots still active on the internet? Weird.

[@arunima713]

❤

[@ArraysDataOrganizedSmartly]

It’s the same way with anyone attractive or has status or money plus you not even bad. Talking about men you the same way with tall dudes or that other stuff I named

[@ylondes9927]

Xing ying ping ping

[@Claire-cc6xy]

average loser

[@johnwu2553]

who said you were pretty

[@mytypeshi]

she fits into the beauty standard of this point in time, therefore to most of the general population she is considered pretty or atleast prettier than most.

[@johnwu2553]

@@mytypeshi dude shes not going to have sex with you

[@johnwu2553]

@@mytypeshi you are a simp my guy

[@thealternativeview2692]

She is pretty. But she clearly needs it to be reinforced because of inner insecurities. She definitely has issues. Her experiences are the same as most woman.

[@hanam430]

honestly I don't think you have to be that pretty to experience these things

[@johnwu2553]

all the women who claim pretty are 3/10 tops

[@Claire-cc6xy]

average loser

[@bleachedout805]

And if you think this I would guess you rank in the negative.

[@darkmessiah8087]

Thanks for your video, it's very interesting hearing your experience. Unfortunately there are many incels in the cmmments 🫠 Try to don't give them too much attention or think about disable comments if it's too much too bear 😅😅

[@johnwu2553]

lol this coming from the biggest incel

[@sub-fivessurvival]

We would not be incels if modern women decided to settle for "less".

[@darkmessiah8087]

@@sub-fivessurvival Yeah, but if they can have more and better why would/should they choose less ? If you can choose between ps3 and ps5 why would you choose the ps3 ? 🤔

[@Claire-cc6xy]

​@@johnwu2553incel cited

[@Claire-cc6xy]

​@@sub-fivessurvivalew youre funny looking