The Dual Faces of Narcissism: Friends and Family

Narcissistic people can be very concerned with how others see them so work hard to maintain a positive image in public. They present themselves as congenial and favourable as it helps them receive admiration and validation, and boosts their self esteem.
They can be loyal, kind and caring to some, and dismissive and cruel to others. This disparity in their behaviour can be confusing to those who witness both sides of the their personality.
This video looks at the different motivations behind their different behaviours, and in particular, why the can be devoted and loyal to their families yet abusive and neglectful to their partners.
If you find this video interesting please consider supporting me on either Patreon or Substack
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darrenfmagee.substack.com/
#narcissism #narcissisticabuseawareness #narcissistic

[@DarrenFMagee]

Transcript available on both Substack and Patreon darrenfmagee.substack.com/p/the-dual-relationships-in-narcissism

[@babameresathhai]

Beloved Darren F Magee, Just now after having breakfast, my parents were free, their eating was finished, I asked them *WAIT ✋️ FOR A MINUTE, do you have time for me ?* They said 👉👉Yes I told them 👉👉👉 """"Today this thought has came in my mind early morning as I woke up at 5:55AM ,so I really want to share with you. So you have done everything for me but I was having *LEARNING & UNDERSTANDING DIFFICULTIES GROWING UP* , so I shouldn't have mental health certificate or doctor proof that my whole life is loss due to learning and understanding difficulties ,I had 8 years education gap after graduation. Should I wait for my adult guardianship if I wasn't able to do anything in my life till now, is it right thing to do , *should I keep doctor certificate with me of what has really happened living in constant fear & judgement of myself & others ?* *My father replied* 👉👉👉You were slow learner & slow writer, now you have achieved your beyond potential limits of understanding power. So it's not worth waiting for adult guardianship, you can start by yourself & heal so many things by yourself, so don't wait for him to gain sympathy.

[@kathleenwharton2139]

My Grandmother called them “Street Angels..House Devils” 😊❤

[@genitagray6126]

That statement says it all.

[@jacobbaker4545]

Omg so true

[@Chunkymonkey309]

Your grandmother knows what’s up!

[@kathleenwharton2139]

@@Chunkymonkey309 She had lots of sayings..before psychology. “Pretty is as Pretty Does..my Dear.” If you nothing Kind to say..Don’t say anything at all.”

[@ladymorrigan5950]

Great description.

[@Lacehairwigs]

My ex husband treated everyone better than me. He would fix his friends and neighbours house for free but won't fix out broken light switch or tap 😢

[@singstreetcar5881]

My father feed everyone's child while we his own children starved.

[@annbow4064]

My ex was a electrician did all the neighbour electrical work for free bent over backwards for everyone but I could not get him to change a plug for me,I had to pretend that a neighbour sent down their hairdryer to get fixed he did it right away,I got up and put it in my cupboard, he said what are you doing,I said it's mine I've been waiting for 6 months to get it fixed and the only way I could get it fixed was to say it was the neighbours.

[@micheleonel5068]

This is why it’s hard to convince people of how you are being treated by the Narc. It’s a very tough thing to be abused by a Narc!! I’m so glad there’s so much awareness now.

[@surewave8202]

Yes, but not anywhere near enough awareness. Most people know that narcs are problematic, but they don't know the extent of their ability to devastate their partner's lives.

[@Jettypilelegs]

When I left my narc last year and I told my family we had split up MY OWN SISTER asked me why he left me, what did I do wrong. 🤦‍♀️

[@donnae2013]

Exactly!!

[@janetmalcolm6191]

​@@JettypilelegsThought he was just a lovely person most likely. Possibly was but to others!

[@Jettypilelegs]

@@janetmalcolm6191 oh yes, he’s a gentleman to others, and he’s rich so it’s easy to look good when you bamboozle people with gifts and financial favours.

[@susanwallbrown7889]

Everyone told me how lucky I was! They never knew what he was like in private

[@OfftoShambala]

I get that a lot. Meanwhile, my life is criticism and the need for assurances by me and I can’t get him to commit to some kind of time together. I could drone on, but he treats me like a child on the phone every day and acts annoyed by me when we are together. And when I ask him if he wants to spend the day together, he always has something to do and can’t make a commitment or starts complaining about me. All I do is work, I have no life and this guy who doesn’t want to spend time with me ragging on me like he’s my parent. I know there are good parts to him, the parts I love, but not at this cost. You’d think it would be easy to say goodbye, but it’s so painful.

[@susansanchez1629]

My husband was so mean to me but everyone else sings his praises and it’s mind blowing they still do this years after the divorce. I thank God every day that I got the courage to leave and withstood the treachery of the divorce.

[@scooterwoodley195]

This one really clicked for me. Even after 35 years of association, I still feel like I’m auditioning for a spot on the outer edge of my in-laws inner circle. My wife, who treats me with utter contempt, neglect and cruelty in private, strongly exhibits princess syndrome propagated and reinforced by her elderly narcissistic parents. Their many grandchildren, which includes our children, are often bragged about so much and to such an exaggerated degree, I wouldn’t even recognize which child was being exalted unless I hadn’t heard them referred to by name. The reality is every family has warts and yet these people cannot fathom offering any shred of real, relatable truth to anyone. They even lie amongst themselves when one member does something stupid. It’s simply swept under the rug and never addressed. Because I don’t openly participate in this ongoing charade, I am not fully in the club. Sprinkle in some menopause and late-onset alcoholism, and my life can only be described as a lonely, living nightmare.

[@jazzsoul1695]

Sad. Please start to go to Adult children of Alcoholics. Can start online, then find sit down group. Also you can go to AA and learn to stop drinking.

[@Lyrielonwind]

I have always felt like the stranger in my own family. Im the scapegoat. Don't expect them to make you any room but try to cultivate your own connections which it might sounds impossible because I myself find it extremely hard to make any healthy connections even being proudfully childless because people don't talk to people face to face any longer...we have become dependent and hooked to our cell phones.

[@scooterwoodley195]

@@jazzsoul1695 I don’t drink. It’s my wife.

[@jazzsoul1695]

@@scooterwoodley195 Get some support. ACoA meetings are perfect. These people can make you sick!

[@DA-ee1xi]

35 years? Are you going to sacrifice your whole life at your wife's altar?

[@kristinmeyer489]

5:14 My family has always been oriented around how I am the one who doesn't fit in. I don't miss it. I'd rather die alone than be abused in the name of love.

[@maddielu5286]

Wow,

[@spaideman7850]

🚩my old family has two malignant narcissists, these two narc had influenced most of my relatives with their smear campaign against me and made me the super villain.However I see things from the positive perspective, if a relative's(or friend) faith/support towards you could be easily swayed by a story from these narc, then they aren't worth to be my relative. Their support is like the haze, it goes wherever the wind blows(by narc's mouth) them

[@maryp4579]

Exactly my experience. My husband will play the bleeding-heart, compassionate person to others, yet at home, Mr. Hyde appears who undermines, criticizes, and behaves in all manner of dysfunction. It has taken me far too long to see this. I now realize though I've been the stable force in our home and can take my stable self somewhere else to find more peace.

[@CrystalShadow]

❤❤❤👏👏👏

[@debbiehill4333]

I was married to a narcissist for 26 years, until he died of a brain tumor. He treated me terribly and had many, many emotional affairs (he insisted nothing physical ever happened 🙄). My husband also was a perpetual liar. He lied even when there was no reason to lie. I had to eventually document his comments after discussions because he would later gaslight me and confuse me. He was incensed when he learned I did that. Among some of the most painful things he said to me was “I’ve never loved you” and “you’re not attractive enough for me to love” and “I enjoyed watching you cry.” I truly only stayed married to him because of our children’s well being (he was an awesome father - they thought he was perfect) and sadly, it was a relief when he died, though I did grieve deeply because I loved him.

[@Elizabeth-yg2mg]

I'm glad he's gone!

[@astrialindah2773]

What did you love about him?

[@stevenmiller3337]

how old are you now?

[@tinaureta9891]

Wow, an incredible story! I hear exactly all that you’re saying. I get it.

[@debbiehill4333]

@@astrialindah2773 thank you for asking. To begin with, he didn’t say those cruel things to me until we had been married about 16 or so years. There were some things that seemed “off” during that time, but nothing so serious as to end a marriage. Also, it took years to figure everything out because he lived a double life and was such a good liar. By the time I learned what may have been the full extent of his issues, we were in joint counseling and he was in counseling by himself. He seemed to genuinely want to save our marriage and spare our children from a broken home. So, during the first 16 years, I grew to love him like anyone grows to love their partner or spouse. He was overall fairly easy to get along with. He had a great sense of humor, he became a good provider and he truly was a wonderful father to our children.

[@mimi42428]

This video couldn't have come at a better time. I experienced this to a T. Every single thing you stated was my experience with my ex husband and his family. They are a cult hellbent on poisoning the next generation and killing it from the inside out. I refuse to allow my children to be destroyed by these sick people. My ex and his family are the most abusive, racist, enmeshed, sick people i have ever met. I tried so hard to help him see how abusive he and they are. He chose his false fantasy image of his family and himself over our children and marriage. His loss

[@Lyrielonwind]

He won't be missing his rights to be a father, he will miss his privileges. Protect your innocent family members. Don't let him cripple your love ones. Sending ❤

[@nancykg6666]

Well, your ex-husband must have a clone that I am married to!😅😅😅, and the same with family, too!

[@mimi42428]

​@@Lyrielonwind 💯

[@mimi42428]

​@@nancykg6666it's actually scary how similar these people are. Quite shocking actually

[@nancykg6666]

@mimi42428 true! I wonder who their special common ancestors are! They are definitely different from ours - its shocking how so much at ease and comfort they are in acts of abuse and cruelty! Unnecessary acts of vindictiveness and vengefulness coupled with resentment that is so difficult to comprehend! Shocking!

[@bkpsly1]

Have to say first that I love all of your videos, Darren! And this one is no exception. But I want to offer that Narcissists are not capable of being KIND. While they may be "nice", it is usually superficial and only done for them to gain something or to make them look good. Being truly kind it something only people with the capacity of real empathy can do, and this, as we all know, narcissists cannot possess. While they may have cognitive empathy - "I know I should show empathy and concern here" - it isn't a natural, true function built in to them like the rest of us. NICE is the best they can do and it is just a farce, a facade, part of their "mask".

[@DA-ee1xi]

Exactly. This is a very important distinction to make and unfortunately, the two words are often used interchangeably when in fact they come from very different sources. "Nice" is self-serving in order to promote one's image and reputation while "kind" is other-centred in order to offer love and support. As you rightly say, narcissists are quite incapable of the latter but they can totally master the former.

[@gailrosenberg48]

@@DA-ee1xi So true. I often ask people what they think the difference between nice and kind are, and they look at me quizzically. Then I give them this definition. Nice is about how you want to appear to others, so your image is maintained. Kind is how you treat another person, so they receive a blessing and is not about you at all.

[@frcomet5009]

Not true everybody possess empath, everybody, it's just selectional, episodic and low in people who have personality disorders, they may have never learned the value of empathy or got a lot of there own empathy humiliated or beaten out of them. So it's important you don't generalize like that, nd dehumanize people, no matter what label we put on people they are all humans, nd we all have the same human traits but some of us have lower or higher. Some of us may be more dominant, some of us may be more submissive, some of us may be more violent, some of us may be more passive e.t.c but we all have everything in us. Nd not being able to recognize empathy in others is a big red flag in our own selves. If we start telling ourselves other people's empathy isn't real or fake but ours are we are falling into narsstic territory ourselves. It's also a way to fuck up your children to if you start viewing them in this way

[@lynbarker3828]

God bless u Darren for your work on this. You have answered a question for me. Why my husband would never confront his sister on her dismissive superior bad behavior towards me - even with proof. Well now I know. Keep up the good work ❤

[@iamaworthlesscripple]

my former adoptive "mother" set this example recently. the nice thing to do was to get my dogs remains taken care of, this is the cognative empathy. but then because she paid for it, I had to wait from oct1st until xmas to get my dogs ashes as a gift. since she spent that money on my dog, I didn't deserve anything else. every interaction with that woman is transactional and she'll deny it until the day she dies.

[@susanwallbrown7889]

This is my ex to a T. Didn’t understand while I was married to him, now very clear to me now. My friends gushed how wonderful is was!

[@le2382]

You just described my father, the way he treated my mother vs his narcissistic siblings who always treated my mother and my siblings and I as the scapegoats of the extended family. The cult description is very accurate.

[@jackthisout9480]

My dad had always used his wife to show how caring he is. But lately he has discarded her because of her early dementia, which he couldn’t deal with. I detest his behavior.

[@spn4473]

My neglectful, histrionic, narcissistic mother taught the close and extended family to hate me. She lied about me and humiliated me in public and made me the scapegoat starting when I was about 2 all the while pretending to be perfect herself. She used to tell people what a disobedient and bad girl I was. Even when I was an adult. Toward the end of her life she began to privately tell me she was proud of me but continued stabbing me in the back to others. This led to my attracting narcissists in relationships without learning how to protect myself.

[@user-tc4ry5oo7k]

My mother is the exact same way. I'm a female turning 35 , unmarried because of the smear and slander.

[@saladgirl2062]

This is sooo true , and a dynamic I never appreciated until I filed for divorce from my ex on learning about his multiple affairs , secret bank account and child with another woman. We had been married for 30 years and we had four children , I assumed I was a valued member of his family and while I did not expect them to take “sides “ I did expect they would have some empathy for me , instead they circled the wagons and spread vicious lies . Supportive sister in law was warned not to talk to me and my settlement was tied to an NDA ( non disclosure agreement) . My exs family were politically prominent and had a carefully nurtured identity of a large ,loving, successful family. They needn’t have worried about me , all I wanted was a divorce, I had no intention of exposing them. Thankfully I had the support of a good therapist, a lawyer and most importantly my sons.

[@brendaleigh7834]

Kennedys?

[@saladgirl2062]

😂 no but my ex certainly admired them, especially Bobby, and me too until I learned about the Kennedys dark reputation with women.

[@LakeHouse1965]

I love how you described how you felt your in-laws would act after your discard I thought my in-laws loved me and completely thought they would support me I was discarded by them just their son did They love all of his supplies he’s brought home since my discard I’m trash after being in that family for 29 years

[@saladgirl2062]

@@LakeHouse1965 It’s a real shock when the people you thought loved and respected you turn their backs, it revealed to me that I was never as valued as I thought I was.

[@lesleyvivien2876]

You didn't miss a thing! At my father's funeral, people were queueing up to tell me what a wonderful man he was, and how lucky I was to be his daughter. Listening to the eulogies at my husband's, I thought I must be at the wrong funeral. He would do anything for anyone except me or anyone I asked him to help. Oh and my parents both hated their in-laws!

[@janeylynn5934]

My experience is a little different. In my case, my narcissistic sister treats me really badly (she always has, ever since I was born), but treats her husband and children really well. When our whole family is together, my sister will very intentionally make all of our family time about her children, will spend all of our conversation time talking about them, and the bulk of the time organizing other people’s interactions with them. She basically tells other people what activities they are to do with her kids, and controls our entire family. I know that it is extremely important to my sister to be seen by the world as a highly successful wife and mother. Her identity is wrapped up in that. So I guess that is why she treats her own family so well, but has no problem belittling me and treating me disrespectfully. Since she has a charming and charismatic personality, friends of our family and extended family members all think she is wonderful, and show favoritism toward her.

[@Naomi-vs1tl]

This is similar to my experience with a narcissistic brother. To him, his kid walks on water, and everyone else is chopped liver, including his (now ex-)wife, and me, his sister. I think it's not so much who is valued and who is devalued, as long as there is someone in each of those roles that the narcissist can use to play off against each other and derive both positive and negative supply from.

[@janeylynn5934]

@@Naomi-vs1tl Yes! That all makes sense.

[@DC71235]

My experience with my sister was similar until her older child turned 8 years old or so, then that child became her scapegoat. Once children in our family start expressing any independence, they are belittled into silence and isolation. My sister’s younger child (her golden child) can do no wrong and never told no. My mom, sister and her youngest are the babies of the family and are all entitled and don’t respect boundaries (like being told no). In our case it is because my mom is a covert narcissist and passed along that the babies of the family are most important because she feels that about herself. I wonder if my mom were the oldest of her siblings if I would have turned out to be a narcissist and not a scapegoat. I don’t want to be either so I went no contact. I also don’t want my kids to be scapegoated.

[@TG-qe3ly]

The same truth about my sister. Also she was manipulating me in all ways to prevent me from finishing my MA degree.

[@ladymorrigan5950]

Sounds like sis is using you as some sort of scapegoat to let all of her negativity out on. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this.

[@writer1986]

Very true. I married a narcissistic boy who comes from a family of narcs. For 6 years I felt like an outsider. I was not welcomed into the clique, who gave me the cold shoulders and made it very obvious that they were jealous of me and talked about me behind my back. And my husband did nothing to protect me nor make me feel welcomed in this family. He only made the triangulation worse. So I left him. (If he wants to remain with that family instead of the one he chose to marry, then he can go back to them.) This brought their narcissism to the light, and my husband ended up choosing me over them. I am now no-contact with my husband's family, while he limits contact with them. This has also brought about a huge good change in my husband, as he is no longer enmeshed with them.

[@josephpatrick4375]

This sort of describes my narcissistic siblings who have turned into a cult. I however am the sole empath of the group and have become the scapegoat. I went "no contact" seven years ago. It appears that two male siblings get along with their wives in imitation of my parents who were fiercely loyal to each other but were more concerned about how they appeared to others rather than how we kids were being impacted by their self-centeredness.

[@Lyrielonwind]

I'm the middle child and the scapegoat but I think the family was always a cult. It was me that took me so long to find out and the only one who wanted to notice it. My siblings are in another reality but they came out better in the materialistic sense...more money, more invested in their career by my parents...they don't want the scapegoat to be independent and sabotage our growth accordingly.

[@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753]

Had more than enough? Ready to go? Okay with getting kicked out of the narcissist's house? Follow my lead-- challenge their behavior (gently question them, ask for explanations) more authentically and directly, like Darren mentions at 6:50. From what I've heard about other people wanting to leave, getting kicked out seems so much easier... he did me a big favor! A few weeks later, I signed annulment papers and just kept going, 500 miles north to another state, so it was a pretty clean break! I'm so thankful to be far away.

[@amandajohnson-williams7718]

If you are the scapegoat in the narcissistic family, the family will often choose to side with an abusive partner the Scapegoat is experiencing. Im a Scapegoat and had a very troublesome abusive partner that i eventually ended the relatuonship with. My narcissistic siblings chose to support that partner rather than me, and blamed me for the relationship problems rather than show any loyalty to me. This made it much worse for me trying to escape from the abuser, and increased my feelings of isolation. My family chose to see me as the problem because they already saw me as a Scapegoat. I became ostracised from family events in preference to my ex being invited and treated with sympathy, yet he was still stalking me and subjecting me to mental abuse, id sought help with from the Police, for 2 years. Yet my family still welcomed him to their homes.

[@vikingprincess634]

My parents took my narcissistic ex on vacation after he had tried to shoot me in the head.

[@janetmalcolm6191]

Really sorry you had to put up with that. The saying is you can choose your friends but not your family. This seems to be true. Hope your life is better now.

[@nmontani]

I too was a scapegoat. It's a painful situation. You trust your family and they turn on you. Where do you go then? To God, who knows who He created you to be. To friends who see and appreciate your worth. Have faith in yourself to find the way. All shall be well eventually.

[@try8042]

When my ex-husband cheated all his family told me it was nothing and I should move past it because it wasn't a big deal and the other woman was “loose.” Another time when his godmother, who never met me, told me I was a problem and probably talked too much because he was an amazing man and I was lucky to have him. Yet he was abusing me and hid it well.

[@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753]

It's sad to be a partner, a person who needs intimacy and vulnerability to create a deeply satisfying union with the one she LOVES, since that can trigger a narcissist's deep-seated insecurities. "Damned if you do, damned if you don't," right? Just sadness and frustration going in circles--that's how I felt, because nothing worked the way it should have, no matter how much I wanted it to. Getting married late in life, then finding out I wasn't actually loved broke my heart and was so incredibly disappointing. (The narcissist's) fear is its own powerfully destructive force.

[@maggiemaggie8172]

The headline summarized this beautifully. Others simply can't wrap their mind around how someone who appears to be always so nice and friendly could be a malicious person who delights in bringing harm to their partner at every chance they get. Unbelievable cruelty. The only ones who truly understand are the ones that have been through this hell themselves. If you suspect someone is a narcissist, run immediately.

[@Yellow-oc4sl]

The thing is you do not need any one to validate you , you are your own person, love yourself, and move on when you figure them out of their behavior, dont let it get to you , who cares what anyone thinks or says , one thing i learned is they are always in competition, flying monkeys , u don't have to keep talking to them on a daily either, these behaviors are leaches, you dont have to put up with it

[@matikramer9648]

I got it My mom was from dysfunctional family (her father ended up as a heavy drunkard, and was really not upright person), and my ex had a father that behaved the same. This explains why my mom and my ex had good relationship while they mainaned some proper enough distance... Of cause no emotional closeness. It explains why at certain point I temporary became people pleaser and have anxious attachment style 20 years ago. Till I broke it then more then 20 years ago. I was lucky. Though I could not fix nothing having not even shred of knowledge about narcissism. Still I did became independent. Self sufficient, having job and proper enough income. And renting apartment of my own. But I fell for my mom's hoovering, and didn't saw my ex as my fiercest enemy. So much life, time and efforts spent to combat it. Thank you Never thought I will need to start over from the beginning at age 64, when finally I'm no longer work so hard just to have roof for my children and piece of bread literary....

[@jamesrich7349]

My father was narcissistic, my first wife and first born son was her golden child also narcissistic, my second wife is not and we believe in God and all is well for more than 40 years together.

[@marykacollins9191]

Mr Magee you hit the nail on the head my ex was exactly the same his friends thought the sun was shining out of his ass but behind closed doors he was a monster he was an abusive alcoholic narcissist that made it even worse he tried to kill me once with a crow bar police got involved and they put an IVO on him for the rest it was verbal abuse which was terrible manipulating, putting me down, swearing at me etc he didn't like his mother hardly ever went to visit her even when she was very sick and she passed away at the end he was a heartless individual when his so called mates wanted a favour he ran there straight away but if it was me he ignored me at the end I had enough and told him to go he did because he had another supply lined up there's no more contact and it took me a year to get over the trauma my life is happy and peaceful now thank God and the divorce is at the end of this month 😊❤

[@lynbarker3828]

God bless you Darren on this. Well i know now why my husband would not confront his sisters attitude towards me - even with proof. They really are loyal to each other. Wow!

[@Turin_Turumba]

Lol marrying into a whole household of narcissists is the stuff of nightmares, just one on their own is chaotic enough

[@jazzsoul1695]

They cannot " own up" to anything. Even my son, now 32, takes a bit too much crap from people who are not compassionate, like his " personal trainer" who guilted him for gaining 1 fkn pound on birthday weekend. The endurance for shitty treatment is a big thing.

[@tillysquire-hj6kk]

Talking to my narcissistic neighbour the other day , he told me he loved his children more than his wife , so when I told him his wife should come first , he simply replied , " My children are part of me , she's not " Yes it all revolves around the narcissist. !!!

[@moniqueschmucker7712]

Wow! That’s horrible! Although I must say my amazing husband sometimes feels like I give our dog, Oliver (aka Ollie) a bit more attention than I give him. 😂

[@christie883]

Eeeh, its actually very NORMAL to love The children more, not only that, its UN NATURAL NOT to love your children more!! The love of a partner is of a completely different character

[@lpn4375]

I can relate to this.

[@lotusmccary9365]

If you love your children you treat the other well !

[@beverlystover3987]

Love is not either or nor out of one pot. One can love passionately ones spouse children dog siblings without depletion of the love pot don’t you think? Imo love expands and does not decrease!

[@TheWhiteLily44]

50 years ago it was called social angel, house devil. Correction, it is street angel.

[@joeboxter3635]

100 years ago it was called vampirism. We simply forgot.

[@singstreetcar5881]

My father. Everybody thinks he is an angel but behind closed doors he is a monster

[@maryarigho5868]

Street angel.

[@winonagibbs5258]

True.....

[@justChristine]

Not quite kind. Son in law provides alcohol to all the alcoholics. Husband provides money to all of his monkeys until the are crippled and dependent to a deadly degree. 😢

[@tillysquire-hj6kk]

Yes they are definately dependant on each other , son in law is his provider , you name it , drugs , drink , women , viagra , porn !!! The whole family are in it up to their necks & nobody would believe me as they portray to the public a totally different personality , however when you scrutinise them closely even in public , they can show their true colours .

[@Anonymous-gn3ly]

They look like the perfect family when in fact they are in organized crime, and everything they have, they stole. As for you, either you took money they gave you to get “someone who deserves it,” or you are honest, genuine, and therefore their target.

[@th8257]

"Communal narcissism" I think is the term that's used that pretty much describes it all. A need to look good in public.

[@ashlyS100]

Very true . 100% agreed to it . Partners are the sufferers for the narcissist insecurities . They won’t consider kids and wife the same way. What to do ? No peace . Other than silently suffer for the kids .

[@maddielu5286]

Now mine has found the love of his life...🤧

[@susanwallbrown7889]

@@maddielu5286Mine too,! They won’t have kids together, so she may never know the real him

[@katieandnick4113]

When a woman is mistreated by her husband, her children suffer, regardless of how well he treats the children directly. Staying with an abusive man does absolutely no favors for her children(especially her daughters), and in fact, it can cause a lot of resentment of the children by the mother, whether conscious or unconscious. If a woman believes she is suffering for her child, she will resent that child, because she is a human being, not a god.

[@Cassie-pt7mt]

Yes. This is my alcoholic father and my Golden Child older sister.

[@JonasSalomonsson]

This sounds like my experience, as a scapegoat to a narcissistic father.

[@richardgoreilly4706]

Excellent. It's like you're speaking directly to my 26 year marriage to my CN. The family and their community has cult like tendencies.

[@fidelmashelton9491]

So well said Darren and spot on thank you.

[@jeffvw1994]

I'd see/hear her being sweet to people all day and then get in my face for stupid stuff and repeat herself 50 times. Insult me for everything I did and belittle my family.

[@Jonathan-mt9up]

Dated a covert narcissist. I felt valued, appreciated, and loved when we were one-on-one, but in a social setting it was the complete opposite. She was like a totally different person and I felt completely disconnected, invisible, and lonely.

[@tinabolesful5184]

I went out with a man in his mid life who needed to give extremely high tips to servers. Im talking £20 to a cashier, someone who brought us some milk from the fridge.. it felt odd, but I couldnt put my finger on it at the time. i see now he had to be Mr. Nice and generous with every stranger, (especially younger women) to feed his ego. One time a server wasnt thankful enough for his overly large tip, and he wouldnt stop going on about it. Boooo!

[@sindiswamoolman5505]

OMG… I’m going through this right now. I’m in a very bad space and preparing to have a very difficult conversation with him on this.

[@genitagray6126]

Remember, you can’t talk to a disease.

[@ambernazarenko1468]

You just described my soon to be ex husband and his mother. I understand why I was treated so badly. I was never going to be good enough for them no matter how hard I tried. Thank you

[@timhuffmaster3588]

My friends and family were turned against me and so was his family who happen to live within the same city we do. I am a recovering alcoholic with long term sobriety since 27 December 1989 yet I’m now finding my college notebooks full of blame and shame because of when I was drinking. He said he was proud of me to me but continued to bash me to friends and family. He felt that his family was superior to mine. I disagreed. They were as sick as my family. I asked him, two months before he died, if he was ever going to forgive me for my alcoholism. His response was’ “I never really thought about it.” I was given every indication that forgiveness was always on the table. It wasn’t. I would never receive the grace of forgiveness. It was unattainable and was never going to happen. I was gaslighted for thirty-two years.

[@stitchinginthebarn8307]

God can still forgive you and you can also forgive yourself. I hope you find peace ❤

[@Lyrielonwind]

Forgiveness is a word which not everyone agree about the definition. Love, freedom can be other examples. I think we should ask more often: "how do you define ...Forgiveness, love, freedom, etc? Btw, my deceased ex husband, who was more than alcoholic and probably a sociopath, told me he was proud of me (I got an A in a basic course of psychology in San Francisco Community College being Spanish and lacking English knowledge except for what I have learned at work, he never spoke to me in English and that was a halt in my learning process)...he wasn't proud, he looked miserable because I was trying and he didn't have the guts to improve his situation when he was in his own environment and not out of it like it was my case, living in a foreing country without support and himself being a load on my back. If you are with a narcissist, never expect respect, love, support and especially forgiveness...they are the victims. You are a traitor, especially when you achieve whatever goal. You should be proud you got out of the hole any addiction means. You own it to yourself because I don't think you feel guilty, you feel toxic shame and forgiveness is something we should practice with ourselves first and especially if we didn't have the support of our loved ones. That's when forgiveness is most neccesary.

[@bearclaw5115]

You can stop wearing the alcoholic badge. Here you are telling strangers on the internet the exact day you quit some 35yrs ago and no one was asking. It's time to forgive yourself. And never depend on others for validation. It's called self-esteem.

[@timhuffmaster3588]

@@bearclaw5115 I have forgiven myself. We were married for 32 years. I share my sobriety date with strangers at meetings too and I have no problem doing it here.

[@peonypink9149]

Describing my sister. Treated her husband and me terribly while presenting her ‘angelic, victim’ mask to family members and friends. Gave her the opportunity to engage others to see her husband and myself as the problems. Going no contact 16 years ago was the best decision I ever made. Wish I’d done it sooner. I don’t think her husband got away………

[@PottieMar]

Thank you for this conversation. I relate to all you have said. Husband makes it sound as if there is an eclipse if his family sat down, but my siblings are worse than ****. Recently he had a heart attack and coded twice. In all of the chaos over the next two weeks, I was completely calm, enjoying my freedom at home. At the same time I also had the fear that if he would die, I would not be able to play the grieving widow. Am I a bad person? No-one outside of these four walls knows what he is really like, not even his family. He only shows the kind and considerate version of himself to others. Since I could not physically leave him, I had to learn how to not be emotionally attached to him. My tolerance of bad behavior ran out many years ago and if I knew that I would be able to financially survive on my own, I would have left decades ago. But this is life, and I have to make the best of what I've got.

[@surlif]

I started noticing this behavior from the covert narc in my life. I am pleased to have this validation and deeper knowledge about what is going on. It helps give me more power in my own life. I do have to deal with knowing that friends and family may not ever know what he is like. I know better than to know that will not be easy to accept. But I will keep working toward that. It could drive me crazy knowing how slyly the narc manipulates others into believing what he wants them to believe!!

[@theperfectautumn8781]

Spot on, as usual. Great content...keep it up! Thanks ~

[@user-qv9nw1dq2f]

You have described brilliantly my family of origin and a few others I have come in contact with. Thank you Darren. Spot on.

[@rikkis1371]

Thanks Darren, this perfectly described my ex and the dynamic with his family. It has been a very long and painful road, both in the marriage and the journey to get away.

[@matikramer9648]

This topic is interesting to me , but it is more interesting why my mom was cruel to me, but was so charming for her friends and other people. And same with my ex, who was diagnosed as full NPD dark tetrad and was exactly as my mom - neglectful, cruel and abusive to me, and later to our children.. I might add another comment after I watch this video...

[@youtubeplaylist6374]

Can you please cover narcissistic managers? Especially when they are not full blown NPD but are very much on the lower to mid point on the spectrum?

[@geewilakers5229]

Mine treated my friends and family way worse than his own. I think him being more of a dick around my friends and family was an attempt to isolate me. I dumped him:)

[@mariavictoriaarmada7848]

Thank you Darren. True , true , true!

[@carolkraus2422]

Spot on wow

[@shadoobie]

I was always confused as to why my father was always very nice to complete strangers, but treated his family like crap. It was all a fake . Everyone thought my father was such a wonderful person, when in reality he was a narcissistic asshole. It was all a show to make people believe he was a good father/family man.

[@4Beats4Me]

Thank you so much for dissecting a mess I couldn't help but notice even as a child. When I married - of c ourse- - more of the same. Survival & sheer stubbornness kept it from me until he passed. I fell better grounded now.

[@ellenkelley5353]

I wish I could have had the benefit of your knowledge when I was growing up. Now I understand some of my father's strange behavior and how it affected me, which has helped me in my struggle to overcome it . Thank you for your videos; they have changed my life for the better.

[@JoyLady-1966]

That is so mind boggling 😮😮😮

[@AssumptionEmpty]

My father to a T. I never understood why he is like that. Now I know. Also, my mother is borderline. Resutls of that holy union were spectabular. I'm borderline. It's a sad life.

[@user-q992]

If I told my marc husband that anyone is nasty to me, he will literally go after them and go out of his way to be extra nice to them just to show them his appreciation! 🤑

[@patriziacoro3789]

My ex husband of 30 years used to refer to our children and myself as “you people” as if he was better than us 😡

[@jeankipper6954]

I wondered why my wasband was so unhappy with my family. He said that they were critical of him, and had something bad to say about each of them. Looking at it now, I can see that was a lot of projection on his part, as they are a loving and kind group, who accepted him only because of me. Not his own (to him) sterling qualities.

[@alphaomega154]

i can agree with that. the thing is with where i stand, it seems that attracts NARCISSISTS. thats the part i dont understand. it seems that people who are trying to get into my life are narcs and then once i let them "in" they just want to hurt. i have close people who SIDES with my enemies instead, and treated me like garbage. and i have "females" who act like they are "interested" in me but use everything they know about me that could HURT ME to hurt me. for example, some use something that i have publically expressed to trigger a severe PTSD in me, and they USE THAT DELIBERATELY while acting on public that they "love" me. now every little thoughts i have about them makes my stomach churned. which convinced me that i must be a narc magnet. and that taught me not to trust anybody.

[@SuperGingerBickies]

This is my late mother, to a T and my late grandmother to a lesser extent.

[@SB-kx2vw]

Describes exactly my husband and his family

[@jazzsoul1695]

Unfortunately, I went through custody loss to my sons dad in late 90s due to him lying , being in police dept and having a slick attorney. Then he stopped paying her and had some connection w attorney for my son and she helped him screw me, for free. They had flirting thing going on while he was in another relationship. My older sister and several supervisors were narcissists and now my landlord whos trying make me move out. I do stand up strongly but its very lonely. My one "nice" sister is now cold and detached. She married an alcoholic who made v good money. Shes addicted to all their luxuries and avoids me. Maybe you cdn do a video about siblings that were once close, but after marriage to selfish person, they push you away!

[@fallon7616]

Perfect video ❤ Thanks for validation of my husband 💔

[@emmahamilton2484]

Thanks for explaining the dynamics of narcissistic familial behaviors, family verses partner,

[@bittu-kd7zy]

My husband's family is like a cult. This video makes so much sense 👏

[@katieandnick4113]

Families are inherently cult like.

[@AussieTruthSeeker]

I imagine this is somewhat true when it comes to narcissistic family dynamics, however, if you're someone in the family of origin who doesn't fulfill your image role within the dysfunctional family system then you become the target/scapegoat/defective one, whereby you are the enemy.

[@jewely9757]

My husband could be so ugly to us but if a waiter walked up and it was “yes, ma’am” polite as could be. I noticed this but never understood why.

[@AmmoDude]

This video describes my family dynamics in a nutshell, from parents down to siblings. Always drama, parents have a "la la land" image of all the children (5); all of us children divorced multiple times, all moved far away from my parents except one daughter that adores them. She has been in multiple (3) abusive marriages. Father is loved and adored by his golf buddies, a tyrant and bully at home. Mother uses "loss of memory" excuses when confronted, always passes cognitive tests given by Doctors. She likes to start arguments with Dad at family reunions and public places like restaurants, never at home. Sadly, I've had enough of it in my late 60's and have cut off all contact for my own sanity.

[@pearpo]

Why my family trusted people I outgrew and were not for me, over me is baffling. But they were incorrect.

[@oneye3600]

The disparity between partner and family of origin of a narcisstic individual was received by myself always something similar to cognitive dissonance. Very often I neither believed my observations nor did I understand those disparities. You explained the bloody truth and I have another checkmark flagged on my long list of narcissistic traits of my ex-relationship, which was a covered narcissist and a very pretty and nice behaving lady in all sorts of perspecitves.

[@spaideman7850]

narc treat their suppliers/flying monkeys/potential suppliers very nice. Nicer than their own mother would treat them. Later the narc uses them against who she/he jealous or unhappy with.

[@LifeChangePlans]

Not just two sides of a personality there were three. The kind, generous business man, or the depressive alcoholic angry monster, and the immature. Little lost boy who needed help or a hug.

[@user-zm3ny8tw4x]

My narcissistic ex still refuses to admit that there was anything wrong with his severely dysfunctional family. His mother was a shrew who ruled them with an iron fist, his father was meek and submissive, but very underhand. The children have each struggled in their own way, especially with unhappy relationships.

[@juliesoal1207]

In Ireland the term is 'street angel, house devil' ...

[@pearpo]

Thank you for your content. I have family and friends who treat me very poorly and are extremely abusive due to jealousy and greed. They think that ganging up on me they can attack me and control my assets. The committed fraud, perjury and need prison. Instead they double triple down attacking me, gaslighting and acting as narcissistic dark triad psychopaths. I outgrew abusers. They should have been kind to me. But that wasn’t who they are.

[@pearpo]

I may not be in charge of much but I AM in charge of how I handle myself and what I will refuse.

[@pearpo]

I refuse any bs narrative that calls me mental ill to cover for the crimes of others.

[@winning3329]

Thank you for this video

[@betelhemlema3434]

Amazing 👌

[@AngieTom-tr8qf]

Had the best of times with my friends. 2024 that kind of existence don't exist.

[@MB-sg8dx]

With my husband it’s our grown kids and grandkids that get all the “Mr wonderful, generous and fun” whereas with me he’s non communicative, withdrawn and irritable. 40 years miserable.

[@mimi42428]

Leave You deserve better

[@katieandnick4113]

Have you considered what role you play in his feelings about you? Especially if everyone else likes him a lot?

[@MB-sg8dx]

@@katieandnick4113 really??? You do realize this is a channel dedicated to those coping with narcissistic abuse, right? SMH….

[@sharonparis8916]

Thank you .Excellent!

[@JennWest-Liberty]

My life.

[@merewebster4510]

Thank you - spot on - family of origin tie is super strong - what happens when elderly super narcissist mother dies (96 going strong) does one of family of origin take place - so much heartache and family brake-ups caused by narcissists ❤

[@lyricmelody8162]

"an aversion to reality" .🤔😉 and putting your brain in the blender!!!

[@genitagray6126]

I have a narcissistic daughter, but she also has BPD. She secretly spent years setting up a way to destroy her dad & I. I thought that was her being narcissistic but after listening to this, I must be wrong. She does, however have to be the “Knight in shining armor” to save the day. She acts very loving to her children & family in public, but deep down she hates us all.

[@katieandnick4113]

Have you considered what role you, as the most important person in her life, have played in her personality development? Not blaming you(I don’t do blame), but healing is never possible when we can’t even examine ourselves critically/objectively. BPD is typically a result of unconscious maternal rejection that a girl experiences during puberty/adolescence. If a woman had a very emotionally unhealthy mother, who didn’t accept her unconditionally, she will be very threatened when her daughter starts to become a woman. She fears, unconsciously, that her daughter is becoming her mother, essentially. Adolescence isn’t inherently difficult for girls. It’s difficult because of the influence patriarchy has had on the mother-daughter relationship dynamic. Watching your daughter turn into a woman is terrifying for someone who was shown(by their mother) that all women do is judge and punish.

[@jimgauth]

Familiarity sometimes breeds contempt. Maybe narcissism is sometimes learned.

[@katieandnick4113]

Narcissism, in the context that this guy is using it, is ALWAYS learned. It’s a significant, severe trauma response, 100% of the time. Familiarity only breeds contempt when we hate ourselves. If I hate myself, I’m going to hate the people closest to me, because they are the most like me. If I love myself, I’m going to love the people closest to me for the same reason.

[@davidstrevens9170]

Is it possible for narcissism to be a condition that selects the most susceptible person at any given time? It seems to me that people have such huge variations in their behaviour. Isn't it becoming less feasible to attach the disorder to one person when in practise the disorder is present environmentally? Is it not a collective problem if empathy and disdain are latently present in all of us? It seems to be an over-simplification to suggest that one condition can only apply to one person. Narcissism is becoming a popular go-to whenever someone feels hurt or rejected. Perhaps it's slightly more complicated than that? I've also noticed that clinically trained KZbinrs are cashing in on the fashionable disorders that are currently in the lime-light. Isn't that also some kind of disorder? Greed perhaps?

[@jk60525]

You just described my ex, his family and my marriage.

[@kimsherlock8969]

I have experienced the whole Nine Yards 😅 of Narcissistic family dynamics. I came into this family without the ability to have my parents pay for my wedding in any form . .......the weddings all happened states away for my partners family . I have been married more than 30 yrs Im not a member of his family.....they dont know me or my family.......never has changed. My husband saved money 💰 He married me robotic and emotionally uninterrupted in a local Police Station . No one was invited and it wasnt a romantic dinner 😊😅😂

[@kennethcarvalho3684]

My dad was untrustworthy od his own family members but he used to trust strangers more

[@milantomich6568]

And tell me in today society where this problem doesn't exist? From top to bottom, all is competitive and psyhopatic. We even didn't even know that word before narcisist,now is all over the internet.