The False Self: A Tragic Survival Strategy

[@twillsJKZ]

Grown ass man child in tears. That touched something in me deeply. Thanks for your work

[@healnpd]

❤️

[@Granny-o4w]

@@twillsJKZ your not alone

[@SeelenTaucher]

​@healnpd Thank u deeply for talking with compassion about npd. Tbh I always am shocked how much there seemed to be a "good vs bad people and behaviors talk" instead of looking through the behaviors, looking into people's souls and what happened and happens within. I still believe that true compassion, with boundaries and no expectations for reciprocity would be helpful. Greets Enfp

[@jenofhearts]

Same exact experience with my man child! ❤

[@momanddaughtervids4257]

@@twillsJKZ are you ok?

[@Helena-to9my]

I was attacked when I was authentic. I have struggled with depression all life. And surrounded me with people that continued this abuse.

[@purplefinch29]

@@Helena-to9my Same. Screamed at and mocked for having negative emotions

[@BecomeConsciousNow]

This is a really good video. I don't suffer from NPD but I could not be my authentic self in childhood. Not having your authentic emotions validated or recognised in childhood creates one hell of a mess.

[@BootcampBobby_3]

This guy is one of the most articulate and on point mental health speakers I've ever heard.

[@Maruzzela-l1u]

Best explanation of narcissism I ever saw .in fact it's the 1st time I understood what exactly narcissism is from the narcissists perspective

[@rebecca_stone]

As someone who's made a full recovery from BPD, this video really spoke to me also. Few people have the stomach for the "death" you're talking about, least of all narcissists. That's not a criticism, it's understandable. There are several deaths as you heal a personality disorder. You won't believe the levels of inner horror involved in this dismantling until you're in it. And that's assuming you manage to find a competent doctor to take you through it. Healing is brutal, a bloodbath. I no longer have the diagnosis, but remain haunted. My NPD ex showed me himself with his false self fallen away, my father too. You're looking at a disembodied soul. It's ghoulish, pitiful - I can never think about narcissists in the same way. Thank you for your compassion, and loved the part about the parents refusing to see. You are spot on. It happens with BPD too. My 'cost of entry' to recovery was that my illusions about them died also.

[@l.e.5977]

i'm not sure it's fair or kind or accurate to describe the pwNPD's authentic self as ghoulish or pitiful. it's just a child. it's just a soul that's been trapped at the age that person started developing the false self. if more people could shift to seeing stunted, destructive people that way, and then could learn 1. that sometimes we are called to parent children that are not our own, and that sometimes when we are adequately resourced and able we are called to parent children in adult bodies and 2. to parent better than mainstream culture teaches us, many things would get better quickly.

[@edinbrodlic4564]

@rebecca_stone how did you do it? It seems like an insurmountable task.

[@SeelenTaucher]

Thank u deeply for sharing. I feel u so much with the "horror" of healing. Congrats to your journey. Lots of hard training mostvpeople would not see. Greets from an Avoidant, mistaken for Narc most of times.

[@jackgoff6215]

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I have a mother who is strong enough to admit to me that she wasnt able to love me enough as a child and that she was not able to bc her mother wasnt able to love her properly. Her admission of this has helped me process a lot of the anger I have felt towards her for my entire life and i now feel safer with her and in the world generally-although there is still much work to be done

[@Jacquelinerenees]

I think Ive watched this video 5 times now. I have been on my “unearthing” journey in discovering my authentic self for years now, and recently had a prospective partner tell me “I think you’re great and i feel like we have a connection but im not sure what to do with that and Im not entirely sure I am ready for a serious relationship” this statement has shook my core. It is the first time that someone isn’t asking me to change either directly or indirectly and is in fact, the very truth that I couldn’t see from the beginning. It was never about me, my parents struggles and behavior and the treatment I received was never about me.

[@summerperry482]

Your channel has some of the most profound explanations of NPD, and this particular video struck an emotional chord within. I found myself in tears because I am finally able to forgive the pwNPD who nearly destroyed me. It doesn’t mean I have to invite them unhealed back into my life again, but it gave me more compassion to be able to forgive. Thank you. Your content is life-altering.

[@healnpd]

I'm so glad that this video helped you.

[@nowatcher123-g5f]

Thank you for seeking to understand this disorder. I've seen many people rant and witchhunt those who have a personality disorder, and I probably have one, and I was really sad to see that when I was looking for resources to understand myself and not hurt others. Hope you will heal. I'm also thankful to author for this vid

[@hessukiinnostaa9900]

I was doomscrolling youtube when I came across this video. A false self sounded interesting, while I had no idea what an NPD was. During the video, every word you said hit home. It felt like I was struck by a lightning. It was like you were explaining my psyche out loud here in yt. I started watching your other videos and reading about NPD elsewhere, and am now 99% sure this is the disorder I am suffering from. Before this video I was certain I was not a narcissist, now I am sure of it myself and need to find a professional that can diagnose it and assert its severity. Thank you for taking the trouble to make these videos! 🙏

[@ivanaveltmeyer6373]

@@hessukiinnostaa9900 I have no idea how old you are but there are other mental health issues that can disrupt self identity at times. I’m glad that you enjoyed Dr. Mark’s video and that resonates with you, but don’t jump into conclusion that you are suffering NPD but you may, I don’t know. But if you are you would be able to see a trail of destruction with interpersonal relationships for majority of your life. I believe that as you mentioned in your comment, you are best to find a professional who should be able to determine if you have NPD or not. Best of luck and wishing you a very happy New Year 2025! Take care.

[@musebymelissa8583]

@hessukiinnostaa9900 Your comment shows tremendous self-awareness and humility, which is a beautiful thing 💗 But also highly unlikely in someone with NPD. Many of us suffer from a "false self", especially if we experienced complex trauma in childhood, which is quite prevalent. Hope this helps :)

[@linnnea8171]

I, too, don't believe you are a narcissist. My mother is, and she would never, ever write like you do. There are many people here in comments talking about having npd and honestly I believe they have "only" traits, obviously probably a lot more than healthier people, but not up to a true npd. My understanding is, that therapists never even meet the true npd personality, who vehemently denies that there is ANYTHING wrong with them. Before I had to start dealing with my narcissist, I thought that can it really be that bad, really? Yes. It. Can.

[@beepboop4937]

This channel and Heidi Priebe's have deeply impacted me and changed my life. Thank you so much for posting these videos, Dr. Ettensohn!

[@healnpd]

I am so glad to hear that!

[@personneici2595]

Heidi gave me an epiphany about my attachment wounds! I was caught off guard haha but it's a welcome discovery

[@bryanmccaffrey4385]

Heidi Priebe is amazing.

[@purplefinch29]

@@beepboop4937 Love Heidi 🩷

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

Heid Priebe is amazing

[@hellothere98765]

Excellent explanation. I would add to the section on why narcissistic people don't seek therapy: having to face the karma they've created in their defense of the false self. In the case of my person, they have been starting to examine their childhood and primary narcissistic parent, but they remain in the victim stance, unable to also examine how they have harmed (me) too. I think the shame of admitting they have been harmful is enough to keep them far from therapy.

[@wasntme78]

@@hellothere98765 Oh yes

[@32523Bwahahaha]

Indeed, the grandiose false self seeks admiration as much as the depressed false self uses self-blame both as means of coping and controlling their environments to achieve safety. Both are desperate cries for a never known, never received love. And also a fear of withdrawal of possible future love by others who would see them as they truly are. I like your insights on how these manifest as a: 1) striving for being who you are not (grandiose persona) or 2 judging yourself (depressive persona).

[@ebrennie]

I’ve spent 40 years battling depression. This video did more for me than 15 years of psychotherapy with clinical psychologists. Thank you.

[@nadaarif5399]

Wow, this was explained with such articulation! The clarity in explaining how the pathological self-structure was created and understanding it as a survival mechanism really helps individuals feel compassion for those suffering from pathological narcissism. This disorder has many tragic paradoxes…Dr. Ettenshon, thank you for shedding light on this highly misunderstood and controversial disorder. Your work is so important and necessary!

[@Sara-x6t3s]

Abuse has many paradoxes as it is those who are abused the worst who will go on to live a life of self abuse, with no way out, trapped and alone. Forever.

[@mariamasadi6575]

Thank you so much. I've seen many good videos on Narcissism, but this was really unique and compassionate. Best regards. 🌷🙏

[@SeelenTaucher]

My analytic mind asking u: Do u think he is kinds enfj, infj? Coz even with Dr Ramani, whi us sayed to be an Enfj, I less have seen so much compassion in a video about npd. Those two mbti types are told to be very compassionate

[@sarahcouture24]

Oh wow you just told my own story word for word...

[@healnpd]

❤️

[@mrbr0skii923]

As someone who grew up in an environment like this, I really appreciate the insight. Your work is always spot on. It's clear you're not just reformatting knowledge. Your videos always include deep insights of your own, and I include them in my own work to recovery.

[@marcelusdarcy]

NEVER STOP DOING WHAT YOU DO ❤

[@namkhatsogyal]

This video moved me to tears

[@wildmeadows8495]

I sometimes liken my journey to authenticity as re-entering the earth’s atmosphere from outer space. It’s super intense and prolonged, but very rewarding. Thank you, Dr Ettensohn, so much for the continued clarity and encouragement.

[@kmkzsz]

you made me cry again! thank you for such a informative and compassionate video. i feel like being born into my family, i was doomed from the start. there was never a chance for me to have a normal life. but there still can be a kind future for me... again, thank you ❤

[@tinaureta9891]

@@kmkzsz Jesus Bless you ❤️

[@Juupitrr]

same about the doomed from the start hahaha

[@kmkzsz]

​@@tinaureta9891 Thank you ❤

[@kmkzsz]

​@Juupitrr it sucks so much but im sure we will be able to heal and have a better life 🫂💖🎉

[@savannalane838]

I enjoy being able to see the inside world of the narcissist.. God knows I've always wanted to understand them as Id like them to understand me

[@ljubomirradakovic6012]

Thank you, Dr. Mark, for explaining this in such a profound way and for following a clear scientific structure. I am truly touched by your empathetic approach, which is complemented by thorough research and well-established knowledge. As someone who had a very close relationship with a person exhibiting NPD traits, your video-especially this one-has helped me find forgiveness and build my defense and trust system.

[@daisybrown3819]

Absolutely amazing this gives so much hope . Please keep making these rare helpful uploads because there aren't many who understand npd like this.

[@healnpd]

Thank you! Will do!

[@dpegy]

Such a well spoken and clear explanation. Thank you.

[@healnpd]

You are very welcome!

[@mariegumpel4955]

The trick is to get a narcissist accept these truths about themselves and most of them will not go to therapy and if they do it will only be temporary and they will blame others for their misery...instead..Most likely their parents were narcicists themselves...and will not take responsibility for their mistakes..Do some videos about the people who have to live and work with them and whose lives they leave in a shambles..no sympathy for narcicists sorry..

[@healnpd]

@mariegumpel4955 - There are comments from people who identify as having pathological narcissism/NPD on this video. Perhaps whoever you know/knew wouldn’t listen or wasn’t ready to seek help. Maybe they didn’t even have NPD (it’s actually difficult to reliably and accurately diagnose). But there are people out there who have NPD and want to heal.

[@mariegumpel4955]

Thats good. How do you explain people going through an entire lifetime like this . They just aren't ready to change. The majority of narcicists do not go for help and do not change. Not according to the experts ..​@@healnpd

[@Sproeikoei]

​@@mariegumpel4955 I've been in therapy for 2 years, I came in because my Narcisstistic traits (and other lack of emotional regulation skills) were bothering me. I have NPD with Borderline and Paranoid traits. The next 2 years of therapy are laid out for me, focusing on MBT, yet I don't think it's enough. It's a depressing thought that 4 years of therapy might not feel enough, because I know that I (ego) am blocking myself often from growing, but I also know I cannot solve this on my own.

[@MrEnclave86]

Thank you for another insightful talk on this subject. Its always nice to hear against the background noise of pop-psyche nonsense.

[@healnpd]

Thanks for listening

[@raisamoola2090]

Thank you Dr. Love these longer-form vids. Your insights help me heal from my past while also being keenly aware to not bring these very same things into my role as a mother to my young son. It's a hard journey but I don't want him to experience the invalidation and shame that has crippled me. Thank you for your compassion and nuance.

[@GraciousSpirit001]

What a beautiful message. Thanks!

[@annamarsch6091]

Beautiful insight , thank you and a happy 2025 for you.

[@healnpd]

Same to you!

[@Juupitrr]

this was great! ive been worried about performing my emotions, actions, thoughts, etc. all day (especially crying) but felt good to cry here, naturally. a very compassionate informative video, thank you

[@SeelenTaucher]

It took me many years of rage until I was able to leave the secondary emotion anger, to reach a level of courage to feel the sadness. Hard level to reach

[@katarinahinsey3931]

Discovered your videos in the middle of the night when anxiety was interfering with my sleep and I’ve been binging them into the morning hours. Thank you for approaching the subject in a way that actually makes sense instead of demonizing our loved ones or ourselves. This is what I’ve needed.

[@healnpd]

I’m glad this work resonated with you.

[@Jacquelinerenees]

Literally bawled. Thank you SO MUCH for your content.

[@healnpd]

You're so welcome!

[@josericardotarpani26]

A great theatre indeed, where we spend most of our time preparing for a fleeting show, hoping for recognition and the power to survive until the next act. A truly sad lifestyle, one that often feels hollow and endless. I can only hope that the damage it causes will be bearable for those we hold dear, that they may find strength where we falter ❤

[@Cornrowwallace33]

you're the man.

[@personneici2595]

Wonderful video, thank you, I relate to this as someone who was raised by someone with undiagnosed and untreated vulnerable NPD. The codependency I've developed can feel similar to let go of. Thank you, Doctor ❤

[@claudiarizzo571]

Thank you so much for the content developed and the effort to put it out publicly. I'm binge-watching your videos, and they hit home. They are a deep insight both on a cognitive and emotional level, and make me understand more about myself when I was too unaware to notice that I was hurting others, and about those who hurt me. Thank you so, so much

[@bluecollarmage4512]

I've hit this emptiness and I'm struggling to find stability elsewhere, it's really hard with it happening all at once. But I guess it's gonna happen when it does haha. Thanks for the hopeful outlook, doc, it really helps.

[@NarcissistHex-nf9eq]

Glad to see you back! Happy holidays! Such a well spoken and clear explanation. Thank you.

[@chunkspiggle3916]

Once again, he cooked🔥🔥

[@tampe12]

Thank you Dr. Ettensohn - I find your videos help some with grieving and compassion.

[@healnpd]

I am so glad you’re finding the videos helpful.

[@evangeliakalimikeraki4652]

Thank you. This was so revealing. It all made so much sense.

[@Katie-v9q1t]

Thank you so much for your amazing work and content. This video is so validating and I feel viscerally how much I need to let this false self go. Thank you!

[@healnpd]

I'm glad you found it helpful!

[@jayjclark]

These videos are so helpful, but I watch them from the perspective of an echoist, I assume, as well as painful past relationships and at least one with someone who had NPD. My therapist and hero handed me the book by Alice Miller, Drama of the Gifted Child, on my second visit of marriage counseling that my partner at that time ditched. But I continued on. Echoists bring their own baggage and need to claim an authentic self as well, which, at times, leaves me baffled. Anyway, you all are here on this channel, and I hope you all continue the work. It took me a tremendous amount of dedication, including years of therapy and countless hours of meditation. Most importantly, I found the courage to face and understand that shame. Sending love to all parts of myself and yours.

[@MarleyLeMar]

Echoist here. Well said. Thank you.

[@dl4037]

Maybe the only thing that prevented me from becoming a narcissist was that there was nothing I could do to be the child my parents wanted me to be. I was never good enough so I gave up on trying. But still there is a part of me, that just gave up and thinks nothing will ever save me or make me worthy of love and a part that is thinks I have to be hard, emotionless, which perceives the world as a hostile place in which you can only suvive by never showing vulnerability, by never letting anyone disrespect me, by always being ready to oppose every attack with full violence. But I cant live up to second image, so most of the time I am depressed and feel more or less helpless in this world. Being a narcissist is a big fear of mine and I am not sure if watching more videos about it will help me or just feed my self-image of being a bad, an evil person.

[@particleconfig.8935]

To me the real difficulty is “knowing who I am”. Most of “who I am” has been regenerated through looking inside to my memories of who I was as a kid and then re-establish those aspects (or act and develop from those intrinsic motivators I then recognise).

[@joedaley6031]

Thank you for this very helpful content

[@rafsandomierz5313]

If people are more able to understand something the less resentful they become towards people or things whether they are good or not. And thus less attached to certain emotions like anger, hatred, jealousy, sadness, regret. It's something faith doesn't understand, which is imo bizzare. There is a reason why "knowledge is power" and "only fool lives in ignorance" are true.

[@FryNeedsCalm]

Perfectly described my relationship with my mother. I went no contact recently and honestly I feel bad for her. The idea that someone is too fragile to face themselves is very tragic. But it’s not going to be at my expense and well being.

[@horstbauer6201]

Hi. This is in no way meant to be a criticism. I really like your videos and have learned a lot from them. Your explanation of the development of narcissism seems plausible. But I have a few questions and would be very happy to receive an answer. 1. As far as I know, narcissistic traits are inherited to a not insignificant extent. How does this fit into your explanation? Are some children born narcissistic and remain so regardless of how they are brought up? 2. The way you describe narcissism, it sounds as if it is an inherently bad personality trait that results from emotional neglect in childhood, i.e. poor upbringing. But some studies show that people with certain narcissistic traits are not only more successful, but happier in many areas of life. People with very low levels of narcissism are actually significantly unhappier on average. How does this fit in with your explanation of how narcissism develops? According to your explanation, shouldn't people with very low levels of narcissism be the happiest because they have been accepted exactly as they are? Can we say that the degree of narcissism is causally related to how well children were accepted by their parents or would that be too simplistic? 3. Aren't many other mental disorders, e.g. other personality disorders, also linked to the fact that those affected experienced emotional neglect in their childhood? Does only a very specific form of emotional neglect lead to the development of a narcissistic structure? 4. isn't the formation of a false self to a certain extent completely normal or necessary and can complement the authentic self in a meaningful way? After all, no parent in the world can accept their child 100% as they are. No childhood is perfect. Besides, we all need to be brought up to fit into society, starting at school and continuing in the world of work. As I said, I would be very happy to receive an answer from you, these questions have been on my mind for a long time. I am aware that there are probably no definitive answers to these questions (yet), after all the psyche is complex. Nevertheless, I would be very interested in your opinion. I look forward to your next video. Your channel is a great asset. Greetings from Germany

[@her_shepherds]

(Dr. Peter Salerno)

[@aclark446]

Watch the rest of his videos

[@horstbauer6201]

​@@aclark446Actually i have watched all of them, but I might have missed some information. Do you have a particular video in mind?

[@bluecollarmage4512]

@@horstbauer6201 Go check out Borderliner Notes, they touch on the inheritability of NPD, BPD, and ASPD alike. Long story short there's traits that can lean you a certain way but they're only part of the story. That, and arguably, NPD is a defense against getting BPD(which is a really great Borderliner Notes vid on its own), and so it's important to note that the kinds of things these maladaptions are coping with are rather difficult choices to make if they set you on paths trying to avoid one personality disorder or another only to end up in one of them.

[@AntheaToya]

Hopefully Dr E answers but here’s my two cents from a psychologist who doesn’t specialize in narcissism: narcissists are not born, they are made in response to parental neglect and rejection and the need to create a false self in order to be accepted. Other theories state that parents who feed their child’s ego or cold, critical parents can cause narcissism in their children. What you refer to in question #2 is a healthy self love or strong self esteem. #3: Emotional neglect can manifest in multiple ways-narcissism is only one of many ways (there are other personality disorders) and lastly, 4: it is true very parents can 100% accept who their children are which is why psychologists will always have a job,;-) …but it’s never healthy to have a false self even if it co exists with an authentic self, actually I don’t think that’s possible-instead the goal is to have a fully integrated authentic whole self. It doesn’t matter how long it takes to find that, just know that it can and will be found. Possibly what you refer to as a false self is a “brave face”? Which ultimately can certainly be a part of all of us, rather than a separate false self.

[@rehumanizeXX]

Very validating and heartbreaking. Thank you. I think that emptiness can feel very frightening, which can understandably lead to retreat back into grandiosity. What can individuals with NPD/narcissistic leanings do to resist the pull of grandiosity? From the outside, it seems full of false promises, but when you feel like you're drowning and it's been your only life raft in the past, it might really hard to resist grabbing on.

[@dashabukreyeva]

Wow. I’m always blown away with the depth of your analysis and your compassion. Keep up the great work 🙌

[@healnpd]

Thanks for watching!

[@anatopi7668]

So well explained! Thank you for this video. I now understand narcissism even more.

[@poulgundersen4891]

I read Alice Miller in my early 20'es, and for about 30 years I was desperately seeking my 'authentic seff' somewhere 'out there', where - of course- it could not be found. It was not until I read Tolles 'Power of now', that I finally found a satisfying answer to this question as to 'who am I'.... and a workable way towards healing.......'death of the ego' and 'dissolution of the painbody'. I certainly wish I had read Tolle prior to Miller.

[@Ahmet_Koctar]

Great video. Thank you, Mark.

[@CristieWu]

Thank you so much for yor work.

[@healnpd]

Welcome!

[@TimothyWiebe-v2y]

What a great synopsis

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

That was really good. Do you have a talk about the victim narcissist. My mum is a victim and that is her defence. She can be really hurtful but is always the victim. I definitely grieved the person I could have been, and grieved the authentic connections I could have had. I'm 54 now so it's too late for a partner but even friendships, I perform less. I used to sing for my supper. Now I understand that communication is reciprocal. And is worth more if it's sincere. I had a false self until about 40

[@akashalove]

It’s never too late to have a partner.

[@bintjesvideokanaal]

Sad topic but great, clear video 👍

[@dougdeepdown]

Wow. Thankyou. I understand more now. This explanation is wonderful/scary and incredibly accurate as a "B" 💯

[@antiochiaadtaurum3786]

I have five of Alice Miller's books. The audiobook of the drama of the gifted child is on youtube, and is well worth listening to. It makes for compelling reading / listening

[@z74d-oy2uj]

I like and agree with the image of high Castle vs Low Rubble - that really illustrates the mental structure

[@esahm373]

At best it’s a metaphor, not an actual description of mental dynamics!

[@Bluebeach9377]

Can you talk about how over praise and over pampered parenting can lead to Narcissism?

[@teresa6714]

Thank you!!!

[@MariaAndrade-gs8zi]

Thank you for this. I wonder whether you could speak about the different kinds of NPD. In popular literature and web sites, there's a lot about "grandiose" vs. "vulnerable" narcissism, but I believe those aren't clinical terms. Still, from your videos I learned that the core aspect of NPD is a weak sense of self, not necessarily hostility or aggressiveness. I wish you could speak about the "vulnerable" kind of narcissism.

[@tri.man.3]

Part of the video reminded me of the song Still Alive from Portal. Just the part where you said “Even though you might feel you died all those years ago you didn’t you actually survived” It’s a sweet song (although it might not make a lot of sense for some parts without context from the game) Anyway Idk if I have NPD or anything I just know I’ve got something and I know I hit those beats of grandiosity and depression. I feel like this provides some clarity so thank you.

[@Jacquelinerenees]

Could you do a segment on the connection between codependency and NPD? In the sense that they are similar needs, different strategies.

[@youtubeplaylist6374]

Thanks for this informative video. Some of your points about grandiosity and depression being symptoms of hot being able to accept a loss that has already happened reminded me about the 5 stages of grief. Could it be said that narcissism and NPD are when a person is stuck between the first 4 stages and acceptance is when the true self can finally emerge?

[@AdrianArias-ol9sx]

Is the etiology for bpd the same you think?

[@SeelenTaucher]

I lived with a narc and a bpd person and it's most is so identical to what their behave like. But looking behind the behaviors, I always felt this sadness, heaviness mixed with fears, all behind the rage and anger. Everything I was lying beneath them, watching them sleep, I thought of children with scared souls.

[@EricandCynthiaMcCallum]

Dr Ettensohn articulates the loss with clarity and in a way that integrates established psychological theory.. I have always wondered why I disown my own needs. Being authentic is closely linked to abandonment anxiety. Is BPD an immature form of NPD?

[@shayhofm]

Thank you

[@jayvander7156]

Weird q- how to tell if goals / aspirations are grandiose? I had a parentified sibling who would keep our ambitions and successes in check, kind of like Nordic culture of never distinguishing self. So then if a person is passive, they may come to passive-aggressiveness in lieu of assertion, and this will appear grandiose. For example, shooting down ideas of being a doctor... How to tell if one is grandiose for holding "unrealistic" aspirations? Or if one's social context is simply unsupportive or short-sighted?

[@bigaddo]

OMG this is hits me so hard. How can I take this to heal. I am in this emptiness at the moment.

[@Cheski-e7q]

Dr. Ettensohn thank you for everything you are doing here! You are one of the few with approach that there is hope still.❤ May I kindly ask you to do a piece on Histrionic personality disorder. There is a wonderful person caught inside it, I think there is so many too. 💔 How should their close ones proceed around them to help them?

[@Once_In_A_Blue_Moon111]

Thank you Dr.

[@myinquisitiveself]

Reflection: Recognizing these gaps isn't about resignation or blame but about using awareness as a springboard for transformation. While we can't undo the past, we can shape the future by consciously choosing how to approach our growth. 🤝

[@MrPaulieDee]

Damn... This video hit deep

[@Bisseline]

That's exactely how I grew up with two narcissistic parents. My sister developed into a narcissist whereas I did not. And until today I wonder why.

[@Bisseline]

Or - like this: I developed a mask, I learned to adjust to everyone and was great at fulfilling expectations. But UNDER this masj, I knew very well whom I am and was. And that was sb very sensitive but empathetic and not at all carreer oriented or strong and tough. But I developed a self - I just masked myself for being safe and secure in the most different envuronments. But I akways yearned for living my true self and finally met some people I am able to be my authentic self. But my sisterdoes not even want to know who she really is and prefers believing she is great, flawless and our oarents were great as well...

[@emelysterback747]

Thank u

[@Jacobson02]

Word.

[@PravoSlavicon]

This video is for me also a warning; warning to me as a patent.

[@l.e.5977]

1. i appreciate this video a lot. 2. i think there might be a typo in 'narcissogenic' around 1:35 when it shows up on screen.

[@healnpd]

🤦🏻‍♂️

[@healnpd]

Yep. It happens and I don’t think there’s a fix for it once it’s uploaded without taking the video down and re-uploading. Things like this challenge my own perfectionism. 🫣

[@prawns2112]

Hi Dr E. I remember in college studying Winnicott. His description of the false and true self seems different than yours. For him EVERYBODY has a false self and a true self and both are necessary for healthy human function. The true self, with him, is an uncompromised self. But in order to exist with other human beings in society, you must compromise, so the false self is necessary for everybody - not just people who have created a reaction formation to not getting what they needed from early relations. I dont seem to get from you that there is anything good or necessary about the false self. Could you please help me reconcile yours and winnicott's depictions of the true and false self? Thanks.

[@healnpd]

@prawns2112 - A little bit of a false self is functional. Winnicott was observing a process that is adaptive in small doses, disastrous in large ones. This quote of his illustrates the difference: "It is a joy to be hidden, a disaster not to be found."

[@prawns2112]

Thanks for your reply.

[@esahm373]

Dr Ettensohn, as a chronic skeptic I can attest to the fact that Alice Miller's way of explaining the formation of pathological narcissism sounds possible. But at the same time it's just an interpretation - one subjective way of constructing an explanation for a specific phenomenon out of many possible ways. The same phenomenon can be explained in a dozen of other ways, that may sound just as coherent. I tend to think that a more neuroscientific approach can provide more objective models of explaining deviations in the mental domain. Unless there is an observable neurological alteration compared to healthy controls, we can assume that the person is perfectly capable of behaving in a healthy and "normal" manner. And if there are neurological alterations, then chances are that psychotherapy / psychoanalysis won't work, since it cannot really undo the neurological causes. Psychoanalytical derrived models of explanation often have an arbitrary nature, as in boiling down to the subjective interpretations of prominent individuals in that domain, that are at best based on heuristics, at worst on purely subjective interpretations, but rarely ever on quantitative empirical findings. I'm a big fan of arriving at conclusions heuristically, based on a curious, inquisitive and self-critical way of going through the world, but these conclusions are obviously colored by our own general perception biases and socialisation, so not always 100% accurate.

[@everett8610]

In my opinion most parents want to continue the family tradition of dysfunction. I would not want this mans job.

[@rafsandomierz5313]

That's because traits are passed by parents which might include behaviors any living being is dependent on the DNA.

[@funkymunky]

Now, apply this knowledge to the roles you play/masks you wear in society...

[@dimples2290]

I really loved this video, Dr. Ettensohn. Thank you so much. Do you think it would be okay to send this video to the one I loved (a narcissist)? He's been hoovering me under different names on Telegram, and I have been ignoring hi,. I know he is losing it because he feels he cannot control me. This video will let him know that I KNOW!!

[@RaisingAwarenessBerlin]

@@dimples2290 don’t let him know. It can be dangerous.

[@dimples2290]

@RaisingAwarenessBerlin that's what I've been told but I wanted to get another opinion. He lives about 10 hours away (driving) but he has my address and he comes to the State I live in sometimes, so I think you're right. Thank you so much!

[@purplefinch29]

Is everything false? Or are their fragments or slivers truth? There are a some times I feel authentic with certain people and animals. The idea that I am nothing but a mask makes me terrified and want to give up. Since collapse I notice my defenses constantly, but I can’t relax in my body without them. I feel like I am in danger. I am scared of myself and others more than I ever have been.

[@healnpd]

@purplefinch29 - No, everything isn’t false. 🙂

[@purplefinch29]

@@healnpd I think I’m able to identify most of my defenses, but shedding them all at once is too much. What is your advice in terms of having the strength to continue on? What have you seen in successful patients?

[@healnpd]

@purplefinch29 - I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to shed all of their defenses at once. The false self is a construct, an abstraction that’s useful for thinking about these issues. Real life is much more complex. There is always a mix of authenticity and inauthenticity in real people, even ones who have severe NPD. That’s one of the reasons I scratch my head when I hear people say that pwNPD don’t have a “real self.” Of course they do. But there is a confusion in terms of what is authentic and what is there because someone else pressured or demanded it to be there. The ancient mosaic metaphor toward the end of the video is meant to convey this dynamic. The “real self” is there, but sort of paved over with a self that is programmed to be pleasing or gratifying to other people. Healing is gradual and involves learning to recognize those false self attributes while reclaiming authenticity and grieving the core injuries and losses. It is best accomplished in the context of a therapy relationship.

[@bluecollarmage4512]

@purplefinch29 I don't know if this makes any difference for you but what helped me when I was at the stage of fearing myself was learning to differentiate what part of that is my fear of hurting others and my fear that I'm unlovable, because the latter for me has often been assumptions on my part about other peoples' feelings disguised as my own fears. i.e., I'm afraid someone will feel a certain way that makes recovery impossible. The former has been the good ol' battle of self-acceptance and that I can't get better about it all at once and mistakes and bad stuff are still gonna happen as I learn, but I own those parts to begin with. And thus, for me, it was about trusting those that do connect with me and do forgive and do give me patience and understanding and letting them have that part of the burden instead of myself. And knowing that they /want/ that part of the burden shows me the authenticity of their affection and friendship.

[@purplefinch29]

@@healnpd Thank you for your lovely response. I have felt hopeless and afraid lately - to an extremely dangerous point. Do you have a recommendations for when it gets to a really scary low place? And what about relationships with others during recovery? I have isolated severely as of late. My therapist uses IFS and DBT, are these things you believe to be effective for NPD? I’ve found IFS to be very compassionate, but I worry it’s not challenging me enough. Now I question whether my joy is even real. I have actually learned to identify a lot of what is pressured to be there - one being that I have to act happy and positive all the time and working is a big one. I am super knowledgeable on attachment / intellectualize healing and have for *years*, prior to awareness of cluster B. But my somatic and trauma responses don’t go away. I *know* a lot of the answers logically but somatically I dissociate and still split off when triggered subconsciously. I know you have to work to survive - but I resent it because of my trauma. I have so much trauma around being mocked and belittled for my emotions, told to suck it up. Running away from home. The memories are countless for over 15 years. This trauma is something I’ve been conscious of for several years but have never worked through because my defenses are so knee jerk. Another thing I’ve been conscious of: My family cared so much about my grades and work but I never really have and have resented them for it and have let them know that for years, actually.

[@kristianmcclendon2622]

So being my mother's therapist before I could even form cohesive thoughts, and then at 16 when I was finally taught what boundaries were and I tried being very nice and letting her know I didn't want to talk about my dad and she'd stop speaking to me for an entire week- and when not bring her therapist, she'd either cry over the bills, be at work while buying me anything I wanted. Pretty sure this counts as emotional neglect but would this be an example of what you're talking about in the beginning??

[@laurajane4806]

Excellent stuff!

[@healnpd]

Thank you for watching!

[@lilyjanet1]

What type of therapy is helpful for NPD?

[@MangudaiKharyshkyr]

Hey! One question, more out of curiosity and unrelated to this topic. What do you think about using AI and ChatGPT to "heal" NPD, more exactly, to use it to assist to create a real sense of self and to help in certain dilemmas that are created by the condition?

[@Mech_Wizard]

I have a question. I have a single mother who has NPD and who I am not able to get away from. I am unemployed and coodependant, and dependant financially. How should I communicate with her? What to do? What not to do?

[@sundointernational4004]

It’s not really clear how to become a paid member. Could you please list more specific instructions on how to do this?

[@healnpd]

You can become a paid member by following this link: kzbin.info/door/HeT5kujD1JqHRAi-x8xD-wjoin

[@esahm373]

Can you name examples of authentic feelings and needs that people affected by NPD typically suppress?

[@SarahRobinson98-yh8vu]

When someone is experiencing that emptiness…what should they do? It’s great to know I’m on the right track but equally hard when things that once brought joy and meaning (gratification/validation) no longer do.

[@trollebird]

A dear friend of mine has NPD traits in adulthood which I strongly suspect has nothing to do with inadequate parental care. Deficiency in the very young child to relate and bond with the mother would in her care be the likely cause to her strong traits, I suppose. Hence, "mother blaiming" would be epually misguided and detrimental as "victim blaiming" is her case.

[@healnpd]

@trollebird - IMO, any “deficiency to relate and bond” with a caregiver is really a failure on the part of the caregiver to find a way to meet the infant’s need. Infants are born into environments with a suite of genetic propensities and vulnerabilities. No one here is denying that. However, would you deny that the primary task of the caregiver(s) is to find a way to meet the infant’s emotional and attachment needs? The infant’s job is to be a baby. The caregiver’s job is to provide the care that the baby needs. In this paradigm, any deficiency to connect exists on the part of the caregiver.

[@denise2534]

Is us really possible to heal NPD? I didn't think that was possible. Do you really get lasting results, not just faked results?

[@telofy]

Big hug to all the people behind their masks!

[@Minneolaos]

Does not address why narcissists come off as brats or toddlers in adult bodies. There is a massive component of egocentricity and only one perspective (their own). Heredity of this disorder is astounding. In well-off families that succeed in a competitive capitalistic economy the prevalence of this disorder has shot through the roof. It seems that narcissism is a prerequisite to success in capitalism.

[@rafsandomierz5313]

Physical abuse can often stunt growth, impact the brain in worse case scenario which leads to self centrism and disregard for others. That's why most families stop using physical punishment as a tool to discipline physical abuse is destructive force that can stunt growth of many things. In other scenario some people don't inherit the ability to feel empathy so it has to be trained which is neglected by other people and caregivers because they asumme every child has it automatically. Which isn't very good because the probability of being wrong increases. In other cases it's just a case of prolonged neglect, children need both material and immaterial things to function properly if you neglect one of these without fulfilling the other then children are more prone to developing NPD.