Why Narcissists Feel Empty Inside

[@healnpd]

I will remove comments that are abusive to any individual (including myself) or population. This includes comments that are abusive toward pwNPD.

[@bonnielee316]

Dr. Ettensohn, I’m just letting you know that you are coming off as having compassion for a mentally ill person and not the victims? Why do I say this? You give no apologies when you are making your statements. You give no further explanation when your making your statements and therefore no recognition and no validation to the sufferers of narcissistic abuse. If you did this you would be having no back lash. It is a mental illness. In one of your videos you said that people with other disabilities like diabetes would not get stigmatized for their disability. Well a person with diabetes who chooses to be evil would most likely be co-morbid with narcissism/psychopath. If a person who does not have narcissism/psychopathy who chooses to be evil would just be called evil. Or maybe even sociopath. It is my understanding that psychopath means born with it. Sociopath means made to be it. I would think that the sociopath, who may have a working empathy part of the brain, could be retrained from their sociopath behavior. So I watched your second video, the part 2 to, what is a narcissist? And what you were describing there were the mild ones. I was thinking more like the Borderline ones. In the comment section somebody else noticed this as well. Here, on KZbin the psychologists discuss the bad narcissists who hurt people. They should be calling them narcissist/ psychopaths but they just term them narcissists. And this is what you’re doing here. You’re terming them Narcissist when they’re really not. If you really wanted to be fair to narcissists and the victims, you would term them mild narcissists. As you know narcissists know between good and bad and some choose the bad. Some people argue that they can’t help themselves. Well if that was the case, they would be acting out on everyone and not just their targets.

[@bonnielee316]

Dr. Ettensohn, So you would feel sorry for a Sarah Boone, the lady who put her boyfriend in a suitcase and he suffocated. Her lawyer couldn’t even get a worker in the battered woman organization to speak on her behalf. It had to do with a lack of funds for payment. The judge questioned it further and it turned out also to do with a high profile case that they would not be willing to be seen with. What does that mean? To try to defend her that she was a battered woman and did what she did. But here you are, coming off as defending very evil people who choose evil. We all well know that a narcissist/ psychopath knows between right and wrong. This is where you are putting yourself when you don’t say, I’m working with the mild ones. You say that you help the narcissist, in general, with no acknowledgement or validation to victims. How do you think that that is going to work out? How do you think people are going to react? Not good. So you don’t address this. So you don’t fix this. You let people come on here, they get upset and leave bad comments and you won’t fix it. You say, I’ll just delete you. So here you can have compassion for your narcissists, the evil ones included, because you won’t set that straight, but no compassion for the victims, wow! What does that tell me? It tells me that you’re not being responsible. You could cut all of this lash back out just by simply saying I am working with the mild ones. It’s rare that an evil one is even going to go see a therapist anyways. So you’re part of the equation of causing this back lash. You have a good channel and you’re ruining it. You’re going to have an, us only club and not an all of us club, let us all come to an understanding. You cause the divide. And that further isolates your narcissists. Is there anything bad that I put here in this comment? Is it going to get deleted? I wonder? As far as I know there should be nothing wrong with this comment. Is there? I looked at one of your recent videos and I’m starting at the beginning with your first videos and I got the same vibe.

[@bonnielee316]

Dr.Ettensohn, I’ve got a suggestion, Why don’t you put a written disclaimer at the beginning of your videos and the ones you’ve already made saying, I’m talking about the mild narcissists. My videos are for educating everyone. I’m pretty positive that you wouldn’t get any back lash. Maybe try it and test it out and see what happens. Do this for the sake of keeping the peace. Just like sometimes therapists won’t give the diagnosis knowing that it will anger the client and the client will stop treatment. Some treatment is better than no treatment at all and so it becomes, “ ethical “ well, same in this situation. By stating that, what I suggested, will cause peace to happen and benefit both sides.

[@Ellie-bj2uw]

​@@bonnielee316 his channel is obviously to focus on the pathology of people with NPD. It is not for victims and so he should not be required to cater his content for him. Dr. Ramani's channel does a good job at consoling people who have been victims of abuse so they should go there.

[@recoveringsoul755]

I've read the other comments above criticizing you. I've been researching NPD about 10 years now. It seems to come from a genetic component along with childhood abuse. So they develop a false self to protect them from the abuse. As one of their targets I've spent much time agonizing over this. Did they ever love me? Do they believe their own lies? And so on. Now I realize that it's a coping mechanism to survive their childhood. Not my fault, certainly not theirs either as they didn't ask to be abused. They can't help it. Just like an autistic person may mask in public to fit in, but when they get home they need to relax and be themselves where they feel safe to do so. It's not possible to keep the mask on ALL the time. So while it's frustrating that I was treated horribly, and will never recover what I lost, never be the same again, at least I know I am still capable of loving others and receiving love. Something they can never do. And THAT is truly tragic. The whole point of life is love. They can't. It's so tragic and not their fault. The best the victims can hope for is to learn to spot them and avoid. If this channel is geared towards the people with NPD, then he's done nothing wrong. Showing compassion towards people who needed love as children and didn't receive it isn't a bad thing. Narcissists are victims too. The one who destroyed me is sending me to an early grave. But there's nothing left for me here now

[@SandraUkleja-op6fw]

"We need to be found." "We are not here to feel good. We are here to be."

[@deniarechiga8516]

Thinking about how empty I feel makes me sad and scared that i won’t ever feel what everyone feels like genuine love for others or self feelings that aren’t based on what others think. I feel alone but this video made me feel like someone saw me as a real person😢

[@healnpd]

That means a lot. I’m glad you felt seen.

[@GraciousSpirit001]

Deniarechiga: you are a real person. Don't despair, Dr. Mark states that there is hope. Here's a secret: we all struggle with self-worth and authenticity. You are not alone. Find someone whom you can talk to and a form of therapy that works for you. May God bless you in your path. Here's a hug 🤗

[@genevieveogorman]

You are worthy. You are enough. You are supposed to exist and have feelings. Your feelings are valid.

[@kimberlymcleod248]

I feel the mere fact that you are watching these videos and have been made aware enough to WANT to figure it out is a sign of great courage. Awareness of SELF and a desire to understand is a huge feat! Keep seeking help and clarity and support - such as these videos provide.

[@amandajohnson-williams7718]

Good! I'm glad it did ❤

[@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE]

Yes, I was an object to perform for my mother. If I challenged that image, I was punished (often). The disheartening realization is trying to find out who I am without feeling like a fraud. I STILL want my partner's applause and to tell me I'm doing a good job. I want him to be proud of me for being the best version of myself for our relationship to thrive. But is that still me performing? One thing I do know...I have had hard conversations and taking painful accountability for "episodes" of splitting and shame/fear projection. I am learning more about what lurks in the dark and I refuse to sleepwalk through that darkness, holding my thought monster like a protector any longer.

[@healnpd]

Here’s to no longer sleepwalking and making the decision to live life more consciously. 🍻

[@deicheeves7301]

Was unaware I had a biological sister. I thought my mother ate the rest of her live young. Virtual hugs to you. You're doing something constructive with your trauma & you should be proud of yourself

[@jodycorbett4426]

I don't have NPD or anything in Cluster B but began educating myself (still learning) about NPD after my divorce in 2021. The insight that Sarah and Jacob and Lee and others have afforded is immeasurably helpful to so many of us. I do sincerely thank you all for that! Also, Dr. Ettensohn, I would like to thank you for the compassion and dedicated work that you do in explaining many of the aspects of NPD without an accusatory and rejecting tone. I believe that Jacob has expressed gratitude towards you for that very reason and there's a whole lot of good feeling in that! Over and out.

[@mistyblue2917]

Wow, i didnt expect to see you here Sara, but i am impressed by your comment.. i wish the narcissists in my life had the same level of self-awareness and determination. I also didnt know abt your history, but i can relate to having been an object for my narcissistic parents to possess/control/abuse at will, and being basically born to perform for them or be considered worthless. Much love to you and everyone who has been thru this 💗🌟🕊

[@genevieveogorman]

Everyone wants to feel accepted and approved of. Its 100 percent normal

[@brucefullwood]

These explanations of NPD, how it forms and how it functions in the lives of those who suffer from it, are FAR more comprehensive and insightful that what I hear from Ramani. It's unfortunate, but understandable. Ramani is all about "you're a victim and these people are awful," and very little else. Ettensohn describes NPD, the structure of it, the function of it, etc. What's more, he describes what narcissists experience. That is INCREDIBLY useful information, far more than, "narcissists are mean and they victimize you."

[@normaruiz7976]

@@brucefullwood i feel like perhaps it is different content that caters to different needs. I was diagnosed with BPD, and a lot of the content from victims that suffered abuse from partners with BPD/NPD is hurtful, but I understand that there are people out there who need to be validated. So, although I appreciate a more nuanced approach, I can see why some people may need to feel their hurt and have someone validate their feelings understanding the pathological issues of people with BPD/NPD, before they can heal and feel empathy for others with similar conditions to those who hurt them.

[@brucefullwood]

@@normaruiz7976 That's fair, Norma. I just worry a bit about those who wrap themselves in a comfortable cloak of victimhood and don't actually, truly process their experience to get beyond it, but rather, wallow in it.

[@asmrfoodieuk7965]

@@brucefullwood it's only useful if their experiences can be changed to better society but we know that is not possible, only a trail of destruction is left so I disagree, knowing their experience is rather futile.

[@sharonjumba4648]

My first contact with narcissism was with Dr. Ramani. She helped me understand what was happening to me but I quickly realised I couldn't stay there too long, it'd keep in a loop. I took a different turn of understanding my own wounds and healing them, way beyond the relationship. I enjoy understanding of NPD in Dr. Mark's approach, I'm currently reading his book. Keep it up sir.

[@MyKrabi]

Dr. Ramani has done a lot of clinical research on NPD - its not really about being a victim, more of an advocate!

[@kamikrachunova1315]

As a recently self-discovered narcissist, your evidence-based information and helpful and understanding advice is the only source of life line to me to get over self-hate, insecurity, confusion, pain and make sense of my inner world.

[@mahariemusic3286]

Do You have empath for others?

[@kamikrachunova1315]

@@mahariemusic3286 well, I will try to explain it to you in this way: I grew up in an chaotic, unstructured and somehow violent environment. There was no way for me to develop empathy. The skill I gained, however, was to learn how to read people as if my life depended on it. And it kind of did - being able to read people mitigated the risks for me of being vulnerable in front of others and being my authentic self because I might get hurt . So, for the longest time it felt as if empathy was surgically removed from my brain. But in later years (I’m 37 now) I could notice that something was off with my interpersonal relationships and I couldn’t tell what. I could realise that I have an unhealthy pattern of behaviour, but I couldn’t see what it was, where is it coming from and how it actually affects others. That same ability to read people, once I turned my observation from myself to others, could help me see that sometimes my behaviour towards others has a very negative impact. So, I slowly realised that I might be narcissistic and have no awareness of people’s feelings and needs of me so I can respond with compassion. And please allow me to make one addition to your question - when you ask about empathy, don’t just ask for empathy towards others. I feel that people like me have no empathy towards others, but also themselves and animals. When I look back, I have hurt people due to lack of awareness of their feelings, but I’ve been twice as cruel to myself. And another thing is, if you ask me for example, do I cry my eyes out and suffer when I see what is happening to Palestinian people right now - yes I am. Because I start to wonder how have humans been reduced to act of murder, starvation and psychological warfare. But this is a very clear perspective- I am aware that tormenting people is very bad. If you ask me do I always empathise with the people close to me and the people I meet in everyday life - that’s a bit trickier, because on a daily basis I am overwhelmed with decisions I have to make how to treat people. And when you have not been aware your whole life that something was wrong in your development and you might have created this illusory world where at the centre is only you frozen in ever repeating lonely suffering, it is hard to come out of that reality and be a truly contributing human being acting with respect, understanding, humility and compassion towards themselves and others. And I have to tell you that when I first realised this, I isolated myself from people because in my mind I was perceiving myself as a monster and therefore not worthy of being close to people. What I try to do lately to counteract these crippling effects is to listen people and myself intently. I try to not judge negatively and prematurely, leaving room for additional explanations and mistakes underlying the importance of people’s nuances in characteristics and values. And also if a friend tells me about a problem they have, I try first to imagine what’s it like being in that situation, but I also make attempts to try and find out what is it that they need in this moment. Like I would literally ask them is there anything I can do to alleviate their pain or help them solve their problems. But I still sometimes act from a place of selfishness, despair or pain and unfortunately that is something that I still have a lot to learn from and overcome on a daily basis. Thanks for the question, I hope my answer was satisfactory.

[@m_butterfly2]

​@@mahariemusic3286 Not all people who display pathological narcissism lack empathy. Nameless Narcissist cited some statistic that only 44% of narcissists lack empathy but I do not know where he got it from, or how those researchers measured empathy and narcissism. For a lot of people with pathological levels of narcissism, it is more like their empathy "switches off" in order to protect their self-image, rather than them lacking any empathy at any time. It's like an extreme and disordered version of a mechanism that exists in all human beings. It's normal and healthy for any person's empathy to "shut off" temporarily if they feel someone is an enemy/threat. The problem with pathologically narcissistic people is that this defence mechanism is way too easily triggered in unnecessary/inappropriate situations, so they treat undeserving people like threatening enemies or untrustworthy strangers for petty or imaginary reasons. Of course sometimes narcissism co-occurs with other disorders that impair a person's empathy in other ways too, but narcissism alone is more associated with selective & limited empathy than no empathy at all.

[@Fururu333]

Your content should get way more recognition. I don’t have NPD myself but my ex is on the Cluster B spectrum and your explanations make so much sense. I love your compassionate approach, I feel like all those demonising content out there doesn’t do justice to individuals with NPD/cluster B. I wish I could show this video to my ex to help him but I can’t because I have to protect myself (coming into contact again would be a great risk to get hurt more).

[@healnpd]

I appreciate that!

[@JoyanneBecker]

I'm in the same place with my sister. This video made me realize how much we have in common

[@scottwwsi]

I did with me ex and it it was a big mistake. these people never change...I don't even consider them people

[@i.ehrenfest349]

@@scottwwsi then what are they?

[@bonnielee316]

They are not human because they lack empathy towards other humans. In this video the Dr. described the narcissist as treating himself as an object and others as an object. I don’t believe the part about treating themselves as an object. This seems to apply to some Borderlines. IMO the narcissist treats themselves as god. But I’m not the doctor and he might be talking in general terms. He might not even work with narcissist/psychopaths as they don’t go into treatment he may be working with Borderlines mixed with narcissism and psychopathy and that’s why he makes this statement. And imo, I agree. But I only know one of those types and not even well. I study covert narcissism. That one I know well. If a narcissist is not human what are they? And I’m not talking about the Borderlines. Sam Vaknim regards them as parasites. How? They, “ feed off of you “ to live. If they’re not human what are they? They are damaged humans with arrested development at around age three. You would have to study a two and a half year old ( the temper tantrum stage. And that stage can occur late, at age three ). If they’re not human, what are they? They are abused children who deliberately shut off their empathy and put themselves into a delusion, a god-like complex delusion, so as not to feel that type of pain ever again. If they’re not human, what are they? The psychopathic gene kicked in on them making their empathy part of their brain not work. It makes a different part of the brain work in which they delight in evil and want to practice it. The good Dr. says that they should be allowed to. I wonder what that would look like. They should do experiments with these types of children ( you find them through their parents and observe to see if they’ve got the psycho gene ). They should let their evil develop but under control. In other words don’t hamper it and make them feel bad about who they are but teach them logically why they should act on those desires or not. I’ll bet you that would help them out a whole bunch! Then they wouldn’t have to develop NPD, which I think is a defense mechanism, which, if that’s the case it leaves the cause being the psychopath gene and the NPD being caused by the environment.

[@The_NutritionChef]

My mom told me that her mom taught her that if the baby cries do not hold them. Ignore them to train them not to cry as much and if you hold them too much you will spoil them. Its sad that’show previous generations thought and how this all relates back to that. I remember always being punished and use of the belt very loud italian father. They thought they had it right

[@gaywizard2000]

That was supposed to be training for sleeping/going to bed. Someone was confused!

[@sofiaisabella3317]

I know we’re not supposed to say that of previous generations, but I really that older generations had certainly much more cruelty in them. When you think about the class systems, the racism, the genocides. And that is in larger circles, so not holding an infant when crying is a small circle of cruelty. Based on indifference, or annoyance to care maybe? I don’t understand it and never will. Grew up around condescension, experienced it myself, but yet have to start treating others (or babies (good lord)) without respect when they suffer or in general. So it must be a personal thing to be able to do that too. And that’s not ok. I really learned to discern. To judge behavior. I think personally that the antidote to the hollowness of cluster Bs is to be kind. You have to start loving to feel love. How else will it generate. And yet, they kind of don’t want to. Well….

[@gaywizard2000]

@@sofiaisabella3317 that's your impression, and a big generalization. I'd say the under 35 kids are very illiberal with those they don't agree with on a micro level. Like if someone uses the wrong pronoun or an old fashioned slur, that's how old people talk and it's too late for us so calm down kids!

[@bostonjackson9384]

Video Notes and Points: 1.Narcissists view themself as an object... an it". 2. Narcissists view of themself can change almost instantly, from doing well/ perfect/shiney/pleasing/valuable... to being worthless/a failure ugly/unwanted... and/or visa versa. 3. Narcissists do the same to others also, i.e., idealize/devalue them (view them as valuable to worthless) it's called "splitting". 4. Narcissists feel empty because they have never discovered their authentic self. Instead, throughout their lives they have only ever learned to be whatever object others need/want them to be. Where their authentic self should be, is instead, only a void of emptiness.

[@peepeepoopoo8498]

@@bostonjackson9384 how do I create a authentic self

[@SLiCkJo]

Dr. Mark, I know you might feel a bit self conscious about posting these videos out there for everyone to see, and such misunderstood topic to boot. But please know, YOU ARE HELPING, and you have shown you care. I always listen and enjoy your videos, please keep ‘em coming! THANK YOU for such great work.

[@healnpd]

Thanks. It really helps to know that. 🙂

[@jenniferd1171]

Thank you for speaking to us, the narcissists, with such depth of understanding. This is rare.

[@racheln8563]

I don’t strive for perfection, since I’m unsure what that is, but superiority. I want to be so good that I eclipse everyone else. I don’t merely want to be *an* artist, for instance, but *the* artist.

[@FleurRebelle]

@@racheln8563yea… but at what costs? U narcs are capable of unaliving ppl to fulfill those unattainable goals

[@DN-wy3ud]

​@@FleurRebelle💯. There may be reasons narcs have for their behaviours but they are very dangerous people. Nothing is off the table for them to achieve their goals

[@busystreet38]

@@DN-wy3ud That’s an exaggeration. Narcissism is a spectrum. Some narcissists are better than others.

[@jld75-75]

I've been researching and watching a lot of different channels on this topic for quite a while now due to having multiple people, that I know now, familial, friendship wise and the biggest heartwrecker, the fairytale romantical one, in my life and just trying to understand why..why have these things happened and NEEDING to understand, what role did I play, what did I do wrong, what could I have done differently, how did I hurt them which would have been completely unintentionally but I now stemmed from a need for my own internal growth,. How do I correct myself to never do that again and have to NEVER experience this excruciating pain ever again. To have to answer my own questions that I will never have answered by them, no closure..etc...to help them and myself heal and grow. To learn from my own mistakes. To be the best version of myself than I was yesterday....EVERYDAY!! To be able to help others who seek me out for help or guidance or advice or how to be able to help validate them with a healthy perspective. I'm a very compassionate, empathetic, and understanding person, and all I want is to help the people I love so much to not feel so much shame and pain. To not feel pain myself anymore or put myself in a place for this to happen ever again. For them to know they're truly AUTHENTICALLY loved UNCONDITIONALLY but NOT with unconditional tolerance. There are so many channels. People are so mean about people with this disorder, and it makes me so sad. There are good ones though, also who are compassionate in their delivery, and others who are diagnosed and are commited to healing themselves and being vulnerable in helping others become aware of tactics and how to help yourself understand, heal and thrive beyond it all . People with this disorder are NOT a monster, although I can understand how some would be and have been with others. There is definitely a spectrum! Some can be very physically dangerous. I have experienced both, but mostly, the more mental and emotional levels. Which, in itself, if you're not a strong person, can be even more dangerous!! I understand they may be jaded, or they're really meaning well to help people deal and understand what the hell they have been through and I appreciate them for doing so, it's definitely helped me, but I've ALWAYS remained compassionate and understanding..maybe to a detriment of my own, for the certain people in my life and just want them to finally feel the love they should've had their entire life and help them release all the hurt and anger that has led to this disorder. This is the first channel that explains and expresses my internal thoughts about it all so well that I've tried to express to others, and I stand by these beliefs. These are PEOPLE with a disorder. They DO feel emotions!! They're in a survival mode! I know each individual is different, but for the ones in my life, whom I love very much, I just want to help them feel loved and for them to know they are and to truly embrace their true natural born essence. I've seen it in them and hurts to know they don't believe it themselves, but... I still have had to set hard boundaries and protect myself. In fact, they made me learn about boundaries for myself and helped me grow and learn to love myself instead of just being an object, a doormat or punching bag, people pleaser..etc. You have become my favorite channel today because you speak my language that I've tried to express to others but always get challenged and told I should be angry or hate them. No!!!! Not at all!! I will always love them. I just have to from a far ...at least for now while on my own healing journey and to enforce necessary boundaries for my own heart and souls growth and safety! I can't possibly express everything I feel and have come to learn about this all and wish I could say here in this comment. So thank you soooo incredibly much!! Your videos most definitely hit my heart, soul and psyche!! Please don't stop what you're doing here! It's so necessary for both sides of people dealing with this disorder to help us all TRULY understand as a fellow human being...we all bleed red and we all need love, compassion, empathy and to feel seen and understood, regardless of what side of the coin you fall on with this disorder!❤

[@lindatallon9217]

No matter what....after the age of 18......we are responsible for our own healing........we can't make innocent people a "punching bag".

[@healnpd]

@lindatallon9217 - I agree.

[@MikeMadison-z7o]

They know right from wrong. The rest is not my problem.

[@bezta12280]

This is the absolute best description of what I have felt inside all my life. You put it all into words so clearly and compassionately while explaining the whys and hows one could end up living with this void. What you are doing here in your posts is compassionate; it is brave as all hell; and can potentially allow people like me to at least begin to believe that we can be seen, that we can be understood and that we should not be afraid to trust. This journey of beginning to see myself has been a literal war inside my head, and the closer I would get to see it all for what it is, the more intense, toxic, and abusive my behaviors would become. Ultimately, I had to sit and face the reality that I had not been the good person I saw myself as. I had to sit in the emotions tied to those behaviors, the regret, the guilt, the accountability of it all, the shock to my system that I could have done all this for so long while hiding it from myself. I began questioning my sanity, a total Tyler Durden experience, only with no Brad Pitt. It was the worst thing I have had to willingly put myself through, and the only thing that kept me in that space was that I did not want to continue living; when they say that, it feels like annihilation; it is no joke. I could not have sat through all of this, to have felt the horror, the pain, and real shame without my husband's dedication, love, compassion, bravery, and ability to see the real good in me despite my horrible treatment of him. Facing this and living through it, I came out of it all with that same shame that I've carried with me all my life, except I now can define why I felt this way. I finally understood that this feeling was unrelated to me and my being, that I was not evil. I realized it was instead tied to my actions and the simple truth that my maladapted defensive systems prevented me from sitting in it and taking accountability for my actions. I had been denying myself this horrible guilt and every feeling connected to it all my life. What I did not expect was that I also came out of it with the knowledge, and actual ability to understand, that all of this does not define me and that I do not want to be this opportunistic selfish person with no drive other than a desperate need for validation. It is just as you said. That void, which I feared more than anything, was the root of my depression, the reason I could never speak for myself or voice my desires. I interpreted this as if it was broken or hollow. But it ended up becoming a blessing because I could now clearly see that from this point on, I can fill that space with who I genuinely want to be, what defines me. And after going through the painful reality that these feelings of guilt and shame were here to guide me to be a better person, not something to fear. I am currently dealing with the reality that some of my triggers remain, and my defensive nature resurfaces instantly, like an impulse or reaction. And it happens so quickly, seemingly out of nowhere, that it instills a fear that I am reverting to my old ways. All I can do now is remain vigilant, do my best to stay connected to my emotions, and listen to them when something I do does not match the person I am striving to be. When I make a mistake, blame others for what I know are my issues, or act poorly, I know to stop and apologize, take accountability for what I just did, and do the best I can to forgive myself for not being perfect. And that it is ok because I can now remember these destructive behaviors, learn from them, and repeat them less and less often. This process is impossible to describe and the most horribly painful, terrifying, and challenging thing I can imagine. I wish you all the best and look forward to seeing more and more from you.

[@healnpd]

Thanks for sharing your experience, Alex. And thanks for watching my channel. 🙂

[@neethupanicker4418]

Thank you for sharing, you are a gem for this

[@MsMirror]

Omg I become whoever people want me to be. I treat other people (my partner primarily) like an audience. They're objects to approve of me and I'm an object to be perfect. I feel like a machine that takes input from people and performs. For some time this is how I got self esteem and an identity.

[@5antiblusable654]

Yes, I feel this exactly. I am an actor on a stage and I have to put on a certain image or I have failed my part. Unfortunately so much focus on what I need to appear to be has hollowed me out and distanced me from who I actually am. It doesn't feel good.

[@mahariemusic3286]

Codependent

[@Lyrehc-Soul-Healing]

​@5antiblusable654 Step 1: be aware of the problem Then all else can fall into place. Everyone here is gaining awareness, meaning everyone here is on the road of healing

[@alllifematters]

Yes, it's common. It's cultural. It's society. You will start seeing it everywhere and see how it is all connected. ;) it's conditioning ...

[@alllifematters]

​@@GodTurnItAroundone thing I learned recently that really seems to help so much when I do it because I can relate to your experience of coming out of the mask and not being able to find myself . Is to have a lot of empathy for yourself and next time you feel angry or ashamed or whatever try to remember to stop in the middle of it and just tell yourself you love yourself and you forgive yourself and you have faith in yourself and imagine giving yourself a hug ... I notice the more I do that, that more connection I begin to feel ... And it also releases feelings that can be overwhelming just to give yourself empathy especially in a moment when it's hard ... Also sitting in your. Own energy, stuff like yoga practice

[@joeshymanski]

I am new to your channel here, but not new to this topic. I am nearly 2 years out of a decade long relationship with a malignant covert, narcissist wife. It has been devastating. I am still reading constantly, and basically live in this section of KZbin whenever I have the chance. This “compassionate view” of narcissism, I believe is spot on. Clarifying, and sensible. It’s so much more realistic. Narcs are really simply undeveloped and broken. Not so intentionally awful… just utterly unaware of nearly everything. Thank you for this. I look forward to listening more.

[@healnpd]

Thanks for letting me know. It’s unfortunate that a basic stance of compassion with respect to a mental illness should be unusual in this space.

[@Bammo-f4l]

I also started watching narcissism videos after a break up saying she was a narcissist, and I’m sure she was but then I started to realize we after getting over

[@johnwhite6312]

I can agree with taking a compassionate view of a narcissist, but not to the point of continuing to absorb their multi-faceted abuse. Such compassion is best given from a safe distance. I say that, knowing very personally how very difficult it can be to "escape" after decades of marriage to a narcissist.

[@Rowganlife]

yeah, its a tragedy. Very sad.

[@sagebay2803]

Very helpful! "Used children". That was powerful. It helps me not be so angry at my parents anymore. Thank you so much for helping me.

[@healnpd]

You are so welcome!

[@judycannatelli6800]

I have suspected this. I have been in narcissistic relationships all my life. I have loved my family and relationships and always tried to find the “good” in them. It broke my heart to think that they were empty inside. I took the premises that they had a fear of abandonment, so I confirmed my steadfast loyalty to the end as long as my boundaries were respected.. I have lived a life of pain. Now I don’t take things personally. I take care of me then I take care of them

[@EsonIndustries]

This is beautiful.

[@polyphonic_peanut]

... oh my god ... This is my experience of myself and my childhood as I remember it. Thank you again for your compassionate and accurate description of pathological narcissism.

[@stephanevuchinic4537]

You're the best father figure I'll ever have.

[@ja2416]

I know someone that suffers from Narcissism and wish he would open himself to healing and start by listening to this accurate explanation.

[@nunu3196]

I revisited this video as I realised during my therapy session today that I'm once again using my typical defence mechanism - being a workaholic - to not feel the emptiness inside. It's so difficult to just FEEL it without trying to cover it with different activities and mental stories/theories/explanations... Thank you so much again for this video

[@mistyblue2917]

This helped me suddenly realize the probable reason for why so many of my family, and narcissists in general, become narcissists in the first place.. thank you. I appreciate your approach. Im not a narcissist/cluster B myself, but i have known so many throughout my life.

[@healnpd]

Thanks for sharing!

[@noormohamed2991]

Your videos have helped me not to hate or despise the person who has inflicted so much pain. But deal with it in a way that you would deal with any other mental health condition. I need to protect and remove myself but at the same time try to care for this person who is suffering so much.

[@CH-yk2bg]

Oh god, this was just what I needed to hear. I will keep re-visiting this video. I can't thank you enough, it makes me emotional to feel seen. I love your content ;_; I'm so glad you exist and that I found you, Dr.

[@healnpd]

Thanks for letting me know that this content is helpful to you. :)

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

I'm trying to understand what narcissists can feel. You expressed such profound gratitude. Being seen and understood in a rare way, which likely almost never happens, must be, well, something I would find hard to relate to. Not trying to be diminishing at all, just trying to understand. There's so much pain and loneliness involved w/ this disorder. I can relate to that part, but in very different ways.

[@merry8092]

To be empty is to be full of potential. ❤

[@jayguardado6996]

What the phaq are u talking abt???

[@Huhwhat9237]

Yes

[@heidrunlehmann1023]

Only if you have a true self and not a fake self

[@matilda4406]

This is so important, well done! Too many do not understand this. This is how NPD is created, it's heartbreaking. Mothers are creating this at exponential rates. Not all women naturally know how to cuddle, care, make eye contact, speak to, love and appreciate an infant and get to know them. If only they knew how rewarding it can be. But no! They are off working, putting on their makeup, making money more important, or whatever else. I was nodding my head... all the way. Very, very few men can put themselves in the shoes/socks of an infant and speak for them. ps. feelings are not allowed and attacked quite viciously in developed countries. That's a big mistake by society/culture. Other societies are much more comfortable with feelings. So they allow infants to have feelings also. It's not an injury, it's very deliberate chronic neglect and nefarious control tactics of mothers. Sometimes a good father steps in and makes up for the lack, and these children are extremely fortunate. I was one of them. I saw both sides. Dad is very expressive, looks you in the eye, makes you feel seen, listens, validates expressions, communicates authentically, etc. Mother was a cold, home CEO. A lot has to do with personality type. Some people just can't do it. These should never have children.

[@MortalityUnleashed]

Thank you for treating people with NPD as human beings. Thank you for your understanding.

[@healnpd]

I honestly don’t understand how any professional would/could do otherwise. Thanks for watching! ❤️

[@whiskeyshot562]

Thank you for the video! I really appreciated the clear explanation of how someone with NPD fails to develop an authentic self. I'll admit, I'm still a little uncertain about how to come to terms with a sense of emptiness and nurture a "sense of self." I imagine the answer varies for everyone and is worked out through therapy. But I'd love to see a later video where you talk through general exercises or suggestions for developing a healthier sense of self. Thanks again!

[@Thatsbannanas-d8c]

It starts with awareness, then being able to sit with ginormous feelings. To let the energy move the core beliefs you live out. Self compassion. New horizons. It’s doable.

[@kathyk1814]

@@Thatsbannanas-d8c Dr. Mark made the suggestion that he narcissist can notice and experience whatever feelings come up and accept them. They will not always be pleasant. Over time the feelings will be of various nature -- some pleasant, some otherwise.

[@thiagobm3]

Excellent and clear explanation. In my experience with a narcissist, the very rare times I saw their most genuine self was when they were vulnerable to deep sadness.

[@dmf.42]

I’m recently diagnosed with NPD and thanks to the courage of my wife, who went through a lot of difficult times with me and still raised the question and later exposed that to me. It’s been really difficult to face the reality but I just don’t want to continue with all those behaviors. I feel remorse and regret for all the damage I’ve done but I also feel relief because there are a lot of things that I can do to change. Thanks for all the information without estigma.

[@jacobreich937]

Your content is absolutely amazing, I have NPD and any content related to it feels like having a spotlight cast on the worst areas of my life, but somehow you've made these videos feel more like casting a warm glow on the areas in which I need to see more but struggle to flush out, I feel seen and not judged and most importantly I have the significantly more realistic and healthy view of myself. Please keep doing what you're doing

[@jacobreich937]

​@soulTraveller144 something NPD videos on the internet rarely tell you is that people who have it often have a pervasive sense of something being off their entire lives, in retrospect, my childhood was really sad and full of fear even where there was no need for any. I have some type of OCD that flares up every once in awhile and it's strongly based around my own morality, I realized when I was 16 or 17 that I had no connection with the outside world, pretty extreme derealization and depersonalization. From there. I just had a crappy relationships, I've only dated one person and that was in high school, our relationship was exactly what people describe a relationship is like with somebody with NPD. I continued to search out what might be wrong with me and thought I found the answer many times but it never fit the whole picture, one day I think I literally just typed "why don't I feel like I love people" or something like that into the internet, It came up with an article describing what it is like to have a relationship with somebody with narcissistic personality disorder, what it described made me think that the girl I had dated had somehow written the article anonymously, it was hyper specific and by the time I was done reading it, I was pretty certain that's what I had, it's been 2 years and honestly, it's really interesting, maybe I'll write a book about it someday. I'm definitely a crappy person, but the more I have it the more I don't really believe in free will, I believe a lot of things that I don't follow through on, I definitely don't think the center of the universe and I don't think that I'm awesome, I no longer even feel like I'm awesome, although I do still feel like the center of the universe. I've spent my adult life so far being dismayed at the facts that I can't connect with people, when hang out with my grandparents, my cousins, my friends that I have lived two doors down from since I was in an elementary school, I feel as though I've never met them before and they are expendable, I have no reason to feel that way and it's honestly deeply inconvenient and really difficult to deal with when you are on the " I know I have this thing side". Now I shut everyone down and push new things away, everything is a threat to me because I know that I will feel more miserable not being able to enjoy being around them than I will ever be able to gain by keeping them around as supply. When people on the internet talk about those with NPD not being able to heal, they aren't technically wrong, but I do think there's a slight middle ground. It's not a disease so it can't just be healed, I don't think it will be long before we have a decent treatment for it, but there are some success stories that I think should be taken seriously (I hope they are real stories) although there are few and far between, even people who share personality disorders, staying together, lots of unusual relationships, but overall the ability to create a life out of a mental deformity that takes all the life out of you. I'm not proud of where I'm at or what I've done with knowing that I have this main issue, but honestly I wouldn't trade it for anything, I've spent the absolute worst days of my life mainly centered around knowing that I have this thing going on, but the freedom it gives me and the control I have in my life are worth it, I will never have kids and hopefully won't start relationships that I shouldn't have, maybe someday I will be some version of healthy and capable and more than anything. When the horrible feelings of darkness and loneliness come around I can build a barricade in my mind. That doesn't really hold the horribleness out but keeps my sanity, I know why the feelings are there and I can ride them out, I had the same thing when I was 5 years old and when somebody would turn on a sad song it felt like my life was ending, my being is fragile and prone to extreme anguish, The closest thing I have to what should have been appropriate parenting when I was one is now the knowledge that the things I feel aren't real.

[@kaymuldoon3575]

This is so true of narcissists…they did not have the chance to develop the self awareness that is needed to function in a healthy manner in life. However, I also believe NPD is genetic as well, as many experts state. What causes NPD is often a combination of genetics and environment. Case in point: some people with narcissistic parents do not end up with the disorder themselves. But we all know that the narcissistic parent most likely did not give that child the love and care they needed when they were young, and yet they still managed to grow up to healthy adults (with a lot of self introspection and therapy, in many cases). So, in my opinion, there is a genetic component in the brain that puts the person at a higher risk to develop the disorder, unless they are raised in a healthy home environment.

[@Nas90ia]

"Your job is not to feel good, is to simply be." Thanks, that was groundbreaking for me. What if I allow myself to feel like i feel. Crazy concept, so simple, yet so far away. Love your channel. Thanks.

[@iahelcathartesaura3887]

You are a treasure. THIS is what I've been looking for - and fighting for 👍 PURE GOLD HERE. I am SO tired of the constant condemnation of people suffering & causing others to suffer with this disability. This is grounded pov and makes SENSE.

[@healnpd]

Thanks!

[@weaviejeebies]

As polarizing as the discussion about narcissistic behavior can get in the comments section, I think the instruction you gave at the end is something we can all get behind. All of us deserve our selfhood, possession of our own sense of being. We deserve to be found and it's never too late.

[@ValerieJungck]

I am so grateful for your content. The very best I’ve found on actually doing something proactive and healing about NPD, about having empathy for the person causing so much pain, fear and confusion. I’ve been asking what caused this and have been so very frustrated that we are supposed to consign them to the outer world of darkness, to go no contact, for our own protection, when that does nothing for the person with the disorder. What can we do if anything? Satan can’t claim a group of people who were so wounded in childhood that they can never ever love well. That’s not how God works. He wants to set captives free and you’re describing how they are captives. You’ve been unraveling something so insidious, taking away its power to destroy more lives and relationships. Thank you! I realize many with the disorder will scoff at what you’re offering, but for those who don’t, you’re offering the golden glow of hope.

[@heatherlynn2695]

this is hands down the best speaker on this subject in my honest opinion

[@nightmareappliance]

It’s interesting how you mention as children we have no self image. I remember being 12 and going to a music store and listening to music and thinking … do I like this? Is this something I would listen to? I didn’t know how to actually be authentic at that time and I remember it so vividly because it made me feel super lost. Don’t worry I’ve learned to enjoy my music since then ☺️

[@Jo-ol3pm]

i feel so seen, this all makes complete sense for me. thank you for your videos

[@liljerseygirl249]

I knew someone who used to say on many occasions that she felt so empty. So I was very intested to hear your opinion on this. Thank you.

[@RoseMichels]

Dr. Ettensohn, I have been scouring KZbin trying to find some type of answer to a current issue with my grandson and this video seemed to hit the nail on the head, so to speak. From my grandsons very early years he was treated as 'special' He was going to be 'a strapping, tall young man, just like his Dad'. He fell high on the height spectrum and his pediatrician said that he was going to be a 6'3" young man. I'm ashamed to admit that not only his parents, but us as grandparents poured on the adulation over many years. We set him up on a pedestal that he 'was going to be the one out of all the grandkids to make something of himself', etc. We made no attempts at hiding that he was our favorite (shame on us) and we attended all his sports activities, school activities with plenty of "what a great job!" and kudos kudos kudos. Now at the age of 16, he fell into this 'own little world' as he calls it and has cut off contact from all those who treated him with the highest regard. He doesn't know himself and, while he will treat us (the grandparents) with love and kindness when we go see him at work, he will not contact us otherwise and only says, "I've just been in my own little world and not really talking to anyone." I think that your video today really helps explain what has happened. WE have built him up to be this person we expected him to be and now, when he's approaching the age of individualism, he doesn't really know who he is and this is how he's coping. Do you think that's a clear or proper estimate of what might be happening?

[@healnpd]

It would be hard for me to say, not knowing the individuals involved or the situation in detail. But I think he is lucky to have a grandparent who is thinking about him in this way.

[@timotimorrison3448]

That doesn't sound like a narcisist. A narcisist loves attention and abusing, and takung advantage. If he's distant amd doesn't care, that is something different. Narcissist need others and and need to create life out of problems where they are the saint winner.if he aint doing that he aint a narcissist. Could be type a disorders like pschizoid wich they avoid or distrust and seem to be aloof and detached from everyone.

[@cupoftea2957]

Thank you so much for this. So profound. I’ll have to listen a few times. It really hit home when you said we need to be found. That’s it! That’s exactly it. That makes so much sense. Luckily with the help of DBT, a really wonderful psychologist and all that I’m learning from the r/NPD community, I’m staring to see some of what you said about realising I have a value other than just what other people want from me. I’m starting to see things less in black and white and somewhere more in the middle. In that middle ground there seems to exist a self that is unharmed by these events and is actually healthy! I’m only getting glimpses at the moment but hopefully in time I can live there more often. It feels so good! I say when I’m in that place that I feel like a real person. Thank you 🙏

[@healnpd]

Congratulations on your progress. 😊🎉

[@cupoftea2957]

@healnpd Hi, I just watched this video again, and 9 months later have found it just as profound, if not more so. I like what Dr. Gabor Mate says about the word 'recovery'; it means to find something. And in recovery from npd you find the authentic self which wasn't discovered by your caregivers. I think I'm beginning to get it. It's such a long, slow, arduous, painful process but recently I had a little breakthrough. I found myself being vulnerable with an old friend, allowing myself to be seen in a way that is totally new to me. I take this as a really good sign of healing. It was so liberating to unburden myself of shame and allow my true self forward. I'm on a break from therapy at the moment but can't wait to resume it in a few months time and hopefully share my progress with my psychologist. Now we've finished DBT she's suggested we look at trauma. I'm finding the acceptance and willingness which I learned from DBT are key to this work. Its daunting and exciting. Thank you so much for these videos, you're helping me so much!

[@JamesMassey72]

Thank you. I've struggled for many years because I've felt that "something" went wrong in my childhood - but I've been able to figure out what it was. One thing I know for sure is that I lack a sense of self - have no "core", no goals, no values, no principles - nothing that motivates me and gets me up in the morning. Life is just mechanical, and outside reality - "the world" - is something that, deep down inside, I want to connect with and be an authentic part of. But at the same time, I live in an internal fantasy world because the outside world is frightening, threatening and complicated. Worse, I feel like if I were ever to dare to step out of my fantasy world bubble, I would risk exposing that empty core - that void - to the world. And that is the greatest fear of all: being exposed for the "nothing" that I feel I truly am. Thank you, doctor, for giving me at least a glimmer of hope. Though I must admit, at 51, I don't even know how I would begin to heal.

[@JamesMassey72]

* I've never been able

[@Eric-tj3tg]

​@@JamesMassey72Resonates. Wishing you the best, and I know that doesn't help a whole lot.

[@tomnoonan1655]

@@JamesMassey72 kzbin.info/www/bejne/kIiun2mkZ5iLbNUsi=dgD9V6uzfYDs78ft He gives some suggestions for finding an appropriate therapist, possible ways to help with affordability, etc. You’ve already started by recognizing the need and expressing the desire. Don’t give up, just do the best you can. (Doesn’t need to be perfect 😉)

[@QuidamByMoonlight]

I love the fusion of psychological study with a high degree of compassion and empathy here. I have loved a few family members and lovers that seemed fairly high in trait narcissism, and one that I’m nearly certain had BPD, NPD, or both. It can be very challenging. However, i have nothing but love and compassion for them. I set boundaries when I need to, and have seen them improve over the years. Yes, this can actually happen!

[@BotYep]

Thanks so much for sharing this information in a straightforward and compassionate way. Your videos have helped me to better understand a few people I've known whose behaviors align with your descriptions of BPD/NPD. It's refreshing to see someone who doesn't describe them as "evil" or "demons", while still holding them accountable for their behaviors.

[@healnpd]

Thanks for the feedback and thanks for watching!

[@ASoulHere]

Excellent. Looking at the root cause and the childhood injuries is a better way to examine this topic. I’ve been looking for this perspective to understand what has happened to me and my family. My examples of parenting haven’t been strong. So becoming a parent myself presented me with a steep learning curve. This is helping me see the dynamics of parenting, not meeting needs and what happens if I perform this role poorly.

[@nancybartley4610]

Thank you for an excellent examination of how narcissism happens. I do not know if I am a narcissist. It is a definite possibility. I do know I was raised by someone who was not interested in me as a person. My mom treated us as an obligation. She provided food, clothing but no interest in us as persons. However, she didn't seem to need us to perform on stage, as you put it. It was almost like a bird feeds its babies. A mother bird seems determined to keep those babies alive. The day the babies fly away the momma bird no longer seems to realize they even existed.

[@noddycool2703]

I am so moved. At the end, it felt like I was listening to a beautiful essay. Beautiful.

[@healnpd]

Thanks, and thanks for watching.

[@KateGlenn-v4x]

i have narcissistic tendencies (neurodivergent). i can confirm that the only way it gets better is by sitting with the emptiness and asking it what it really wants. usually it's tea, ear plugs, or a clean room. and then it wants a homework routine, and then an exercise routine, and a book. i finally want to read again after 8+ years of being a self-pitying asshole.

[@kathleenb6375]

I agree, your content should get more recognition. I am married to someone with NPD and this is exactly what I think happened after watching your video. He's in his last 15 years of life. Not sure he will ever know which is the sad part. Thank you.

[@alisoncanty1894]

I can relate to so much of this. My childhood was filled with emotional neglect on one hand but overindulgence/lack of boundaries on the other. I often felt loved when I performed well but not as myself without the performance. Unfortunately, I have struggled to know who I am throughout my life. Have never been diagnosed with NPD but have some of the traits. Thanks for not demonizing this and being compassionate! 🎉

[@msBbee-oq7im]

You sir have a very gentle, loving Spirit about you! You are going to help a lot to people! I am sending this to my ex! God bless you!

[@rmr1300]

Yes! Love your explanation of the psychodynamics of people living with NPD.

[@healnpd]

Thank you!

[@myutube5882]

This is probably the best thing I've ever heard explaining narissism!

[@healnpd]

Thanks. Glad it was helpful. 😊

[@akashalove]

This is one of the most succinct, uplifting and positive videos on this condition I have ever seen. Congrats! May many people with NPD find it and hopefully heal from this very debilitating issue. /|\

[@DS-ge5ym]

My narc wife uses me to pay bills & clean house, soon getting divorced

[@anewperspective43]

The conclusion brought a lot of emotions to the surface. Thank you Dr.

[@healnpd]

You are welcome. Thanks for watching.

[@Moonlightditto]

I really appreciate your soft and soothing tone. It's greatly needed by the world, a soothing presence. Thank you

[@darceyrobertson6863]

Thank you…I’ve been looking for the “why” for a long time, and only seeing the ways they are bad and that they can’t ever change

[@JessCyph]

Best explanation I have heard on the false self and emotional void in people with NPD yet. Thank you!

[@healnpd]

Thank you, glad you found it helpful.

[@kaystephens2672]

I suffered horrible stage fright from my mother putting me in ballet at 3 years old. I have a memory of messing up at 4 because I could remember my routine and embarrassed myself. I put up with trying to be Shirley Temple to age 11. I hated it. Little did I know what was really going on. Then piano that I sucked at. Then modeling where I had to dodge the wolves. I have a picture of me at 16 of a show I did. I looked like a high class hooker, I finally realized. All that time in my developmental years are a perfect example of having a narcissistic mother. Always on show. I became the scapegoat and was worthless because "The Family" didn't approve of me. I feel ripped off of my life. My precious time and talents stolen by an adopted parent who only saw value in what I could show Her off as. And it was Never good enough I never learned anything of real value from this woman. Only to smile, look cute, and I suffered 2 serious car wrecks because she only gave me 2 driving lessons in my life. Today, I can't drive because of the cptsd. Thank you to the adoption agency for handing my life over to a psychopath. Mommie dearest. And ironically, at age 84, had the nerve to ask me if I thought she'd make it to the pearly gates. You see just how empty Some people can feel? I told her sure. She was a good person.

[@rockstarofredondo]

I became the scapegoat too and was never approved of by “the family” and these people are actual relatives. I do not feel a bond with any of them though. You should look up “family scapegoating abuse” it might resonate with you.

[@pbohearn]

A very articulate summary of the psychoanalytic theory of narcissism that can be quite complex, utilizing terms that aren’t very illuminating. Clearly, you know your theory. But more than that, it is your very empathic and compassionate description of the impact of these injuries on a child, causing great limitations in relationships, and the suffering that they incur because nobody nurtured them in creating a strong sense of self. I do think yours is a good counterpoint to other websites that target the victims of narcissists and how to protect themselves. Both viewpoints are important.

[@madelinec6754]

Thank you. I felt comfort in your words. God bless you

[@Thenamelessnarcissist]

Huh, I didn't know that in early development extended periods of eye contact was normal or important. Wonder if that has something to do with the fact that if someone looks me in the eyes and says they care about me/love me etc I look away without even realizing it. Or that my eye contact is hella more comfortable if I'm angry. I gotta look into those early childhood developmental things more. Either way great video per usual man!

[@healnpd]

Thanks! I was just reading about something called “multiple code theory.” It’s a contemporary approach that attempts to find a universal, transcultural model for psychological development and pathology. One of its main principles is that much of our development of emotional schemas takes place pre-verbally and pre-symbolically. We literally can’t represent certain experiences to ourselves because the mental apparatus we use to symbolize and verbalize is built “on top” of these early experiences. Trips me out whenever I think about that. I think trying to remember or piece together those early experiences can be helpful, but we also shouldn’t get too sidetracked in archeological expeditions into our distant past. Nothing there is alive. It’s all past. I think a more helpful strategy is to look for the past alive in the present. Where is the small child that was hurt now and how does his pain live in the present? A bit of a personal disclosure: in my own psychotherapy, an operative image for a long time was of a baby left on a table. This is not an actual memory of mine, but an image that sort of got to a feeling of having been “left to care for myself” too often. The neglected baby was present there in the therapy, not somewhere in the past. So in your example of eye contact, the discomfort wouldn’t just be because of the ways you were treated when you were little. The little parts of you are showing up in your adult life, and you can access them in the here and now. 👶🏼👍🏻

[@MsMirror]

@@healnpd multiple code theory sounds interesting. You mentioned how you had psychotherapy, was that for npd. I'm sorry if that's too personal.

[@healnpd]

@MsMirror - I don’t discuss my personal trauma or mental health history publicly. Personally, I wouldn’t trust a clinician who hadn’t been through significant psychotherapy. I frequently tell my students that they can’t see in others what they can’t see in themselves. Clinicians need to be able to see the depressed parts of themselves, the anxious parts, the paranoid parts, the dependent parts, the psychopathic parts, and the narcissistic parts. If they are too defended to see those parts in themselves, they will not be effective clinicians. Worse yet, they are much more likely to do and say things in therapy that cause harm.

[@Red-Iceberg]

I am so happy that my self-worth comes from deep inside.A separate entity and their opinion of me holds no revelance one way or the other. I am the final decision maker when the subject is me.Several years ago I made the very conscious decision of NOT TO CARE, it works very well❤❤❤❤

[@thebeboshow4421]

This really explains the root of the issue! Subject or object. Thank you!

[@toteZitrone]

I always felt like a failure for being diagnosed with BPD/NPD and not really feeling emptyness. It's one of the several points that always made me question the diagnosis and whether I'm not mentally ill at all but just too lazy or something to get along with my life. I googled the term a lot and never found something really explaining what is meant by emptyness, with everyone talking about it apparently just assuming one would know what it is. This is the first time I think I kind of understood and felt that I could relate. I often felt like being a bunch of bizarre energy, mostly feeling very tense and stuck, like a car with a pushed clutch that you just rev too high in a desperate attempt to move from the spot you are on. So I always thought that I don't experience "real" emptyness because of that tense and energetic sensation. Your clarification really helped me relate and kind of confirm the suspicion, that emptyness could refer more to that amorphous feeling than to an actual total void of any sensation. (Which I always didn't get in the first place: how could you say you feel empty if you actually FEEL that.) Thank you for that insight and In general for your really thoughtful videos! Also, the idea that it's useful to explore that feeling of a "missing core" as I would describe it, even though it doesn't immediately lead to any helpful emotions and (at least for me) kind of emphasizes feelings of having no point/place in life /living, but could lead to some perspective in the long run DESPITE that is kind of encouraging. I feel a major problem with this kind of disorder - at least for me - is that you feel so far off from everything and everyone, that other people and even therapists, nurses, etc often do contribute to that feeling by just getting you wrong or giving advice that seems totally unfitting. So every little bit of feeling that there is someone who has some kind of idea what's going on is really a huge help and thought to cling on.

[@healnpd]

Thanks for your thoughtful comment. ❤️

[@GLASSB182]

Y'all should read "Crime and Punishment" by Dostoyevsky! About a narcissistic idealist named Rodion who decides on committing an atrocious act of superior will to overstep morality, however, after acting, finds himself not the strong, capable being he imagined himself to be and suffers through guilt and paranoia over his crime and incompetence. He has revelations after a noble act of helping a injured man and finds clarity from his guilt and fevers. Though that's not enough and the book carries on until he realizes he must repent his sin and suffer severely for it, then maybe, he may come out humbled, purified, as a new restored man!

[@jonnekytola5513]

I’m so happy someone is doing this work. So touching and reasonable. Rare gem online.

[@JohnBaran-kw5jf]

Excellent video. He very calmly and logically explains the parent-child dynamic that causes narcissism.

[@JustT725]

Your podcast is a nice change of pace in regard to understanding NPD. I always thought narcissism was a self absorbed shallow human. Never once would I have guessed they are suffering beings that are in pain and living empty lives. I am drawn to your show, in particular when you talk about how individuals with NPD “split” I’m concerned I have many of the traits you discuss. I often feel like my sense of safety and happiness can easily get thrown off course by the smallest thing. In fact I often don’t even realize what the thing is that did it? However, I have no memory of being traumatized as a child, other than being bullied. I was diagnosed as having OCD about 35 years ago, and life has been anything but easy for me (now 50). I’m just curious, what is the success rate is for people once they are formally diagnosed with NPD? I’ve never really thought healing was possible. I’ve looked into other therapy i.e., IFS, CBT, ACT, mindfulness, and everything else under the sun. I honestly feel better when I just say the hell with it and just try and be happy. However, I know something under the hood is broken, I just don’t know if it can be fixed. If I feel the smallest bit of love from someone it changes everything in me. I don’t know if that means I’m not a NPD or possibly just Lonely. I’m no spring chicken, but I still pray I can live a healthy life, with the years I got left. Thank you 🙏 🙏 🙏

[@integrityintruth]

THANK YOU !! That is an amazing insight and a dynamic perspective! that’s it ! And I know that feeling because that is what he puts on me and how he expects me to be and it’s really oppressive and awful. I barely escaped my own childhood scarring me into that no Self yet the early years were better. Yet the mid child years were extremely agonizing, and so when he does his diabolical attack it’s ripping open an old wound and I go into shock, it’s as if somebody took and ripped my guts and heart out. It’s so awful to be treated poorly from a person who has such a hurtful response to his own inner turmoil, which he then blames on you. It’s also confusing and it drains the life out of my mind trying to reason any bit of what he say and do and there’s no sense in it at all. It’s a waste of time in mind and spirit and it takes up so much of me. I feel consumed.

[@emmamonroe3311]

That’s why they try to do their best by putting someone down, when they do so, they rise above. So they become you hyped up by a million and you become them. It took me 2.5 years to understand this after learning about covert narcissists. And they family members are secretively helping them becuz they are as dysfunctional as their covert son is too. It’s hard to wrap your head around but once you study this it will eventually sink in.👈🏻

[@beth8275]

Valuable content for anyone who has been in relationship with a person having a cluster B personality adaptation and seeking to understand the hurt and confusion. It must be invaluable to anyone dedicated to healing from these tragic adaptations and I applaude all who have become self aware and are committed to healing. It’s courageous. For those with the disorder who either choose not to face their issues or aren’t capable of it and continue to use other people as objects for their own preservation…. I’ll have compassion and understanding from a safe distance.

[@Totalmess55]

Your understanding of NPD is so accurate, please keep doing what you are doing. Being a full blown Narcissist I recognise all the scenarios and information you discuss, unfortunately now I’m not sure who I am if I ever learn to be rid of it.

[@majolie555]

Once again, a really thoughtful insightful evaluation of the inner world of the narcissist which is helping me to understand them. Even though they can be horrifically complicated, hurtful, shaming and critical of their partners ( we all know that and there are plenty of videos out there on that). It helps to get the fact that they are like the ‘walking suffering’ and so then we dont have to take what they hurl at us personally at all. And, of course we do not have to keep ourselves in their company.

[@jainetu]

I really enjoy listening to your calm voice. Really great and also underrated content. Seeing narcissists as only bad means seeing things as only black or white and not grey. Thank you for the unique point of view on this topic.

[@etoilefelante8994]

I love this! Would love to see more about developing a healthy and stable sense of self. Thanks so much for your efforts. 😊

[@bluecollarmage4512]

I wish there were more people like you because this is a hard thing to find someone to help me with, and I definitely do. But watching the videos reminds of how much someone outside of myself and my partner could help me, and helps to keep me motivated to find someone. Thank you!

[@littlefrog8389]

This is interesting. I typically frequent surviving narcissists content and rarely encounter the idea of narcissists being deserving of empathy.

[@healnpd]

I think that’s because such content typically conflates multiple forms of deviance and abuse with mental illness. My content is about the mental illness of pathological narcissism, which sometimes is associated with abuse but not always. The disorder itself is about unstable self-esteem and it is statistically correlated with suicide and depression.

[@gretapantophlet9201]

I love the way you explain, without judgement. One has a better understanding on NPD. Thanks for sharing 😊

[@katikoernerbindungs-stil-a1467]

Researched a lot about insecure attachment and narcissism. What You say here resonates so much with me ... THANKS!!

[@aldovirooo]

I love your content. It is by far the most helpful I have found online.

[@healnpd]

Wow, thank you!

[@anuradhatiwari4844]

I am having tears in my eyes..Thank you

[@healnpd]

❤️

[@russruss2446]

I am so happy I don’t have to relate to myself as a narcissist does. Imagine having a split self. Or no discernable self. Jeez. My non-narcissistic facilitator parent would say ”He presents himself like he knows so much, but he’s actually an emotional two year old. It’s due to long-standing father issues.” She was right, but she knew nothing about boundaries and had her own self routed out over the years offering support and understanding. But she could love authentically and I guess that love saved me from becoming narcissistic. Both narcissists I grew up with had doting mothers. Both thought they had a ”special” relationship with their mother. So this video confirms what I experienced. One reported to me in a rare moment of honesty a profound feeling of emptiness. Really good video.

[@lucsgabriel1052]

Omg this explains me so much. I've been talking with my therapist about my feeling of chronic uselessness for almost 2 whole years now and I never realised this was tied to my personality disorder (which we're still figuring out what it is, but I highly suspect of NPD).

[@spidersfromhell]

Wow, that is really helpful stuff - thanks so much for your work!

[@healnpd]

Glad it was helpful!

[@sweetielady7710]

This is a really refreshing and interesting perspective. Glad I came across this video.

[@healnpd]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[@bruciferbrucifer1791]

Doc, You my friend are THE shedizzle!!!!! You nailed this with perfection as far as your words of compassion combined with your empathy!!!! You SIR, have my total attention !!!! Keep on doing exactly what you are doing!! S

[@universal_handle]

Holy s**t ! This was, by far, the most understood I have ever felt in my life. And I understood it(me), for the first time, at the same time too. You nailed it @healnpd.

[@healnpd]

Glad to know you felt understood. 🙂

[@magdalenalenczowska4493]

Thank you Mark. The last part... means a lot 😔❤

[@captains5182]

Thank you. I hope your videos get more views. Keep going!

[@healnpd]

I will. Thanks for your feedback!

[@Lillalolmc]

First time i hear someone talk about these kind of people as actual people.

[@dashabukreyeva]

Thank you for all of your content. I have several people close to me who have strong narcissistic traits, and learning from your content helps me stay grounded and realistic when interacting with them. I also appreciate your emphasis on treatment. I’m a psychologist in training and it motivates me to keep learning about this disorder. I wonder if years from now we’ll look at NPD similar to how we now understand ADHD, ASD, and other neurodivergencies, and that much of the harmful behavior comes from a lack of understanding, support, and education.

[@robinbroad8760]

One person saw me. My first experience of being. Not my mother. but a foster parent. The beginning of undoing the harm of my biological mother. I know and knew who my real mother was

[@Hammondchris]

This is HUGE❤

[@GreenspudTrades]

Good video. This was so relatable as to how I viewed myself growing up, being raised by tiger parents. I had narcissistic tendencies. It was running up against narcissists in the workplace and getting to a point where I couldn't keep up with other people's expectations that I got to a very depressed state and realized I need to change my internal self talk if I'm going to survive this. It helped that after my dad passed away, I no longer had someone looking over my shoulder, judging my every decision. I could decide what matters based on my own criteria.

[@Eleniexp]

Thank you for your insight there are so many misconceptions and inaccurate information out there so I really appreciate your content!

[@yored8853]

Beautifully explained. Thank you 🙏

[@jakobr8818]

I admired your approach on npd. Even i have sufered a great deal of a narcissistic abuse from my parents and ex spouse. I welcome your perspective.