The Golden Child (understanding family dynamics)

[@Katimorton]

8 signs of Eldest Daughter Syndrome: kzbin.info/www/bejne/fZzHlYt3m5JobZosi=RB4Lhqyy1alCC22p

[@SurferJoe1]

My best friend, crippled by depression, told me what was wrong: he was about to finish med school and was engaged, and he didn't want to be a doctor, and he didn't want to be married. I told him to just step back from both- nobody was pushing him (which was true). He told me how much had been invested in him, what was expected of him. "I made my bed and now I have to lie in it". Those were his last words to me.

[@Katimorton]

That is so sad.. oof. I am so sorry your friend felt like he didn't have a choice :( xoxo

[@SurferJoe1]

@@Katimorton He was the goldenest child you ever met. And EVERYBODY loved him. I miss him every day. This video helps me understand him a bit more. Thanks.

[@mari23_13]

I'm so sorry 😔

[@nooneisalwaysright]

Golden children are also just another kind of scapegoat, like the lost child or the black sheep. I have experienced being all three. Being the Golden child was embarrassing because my parents boasted in my name and i didn't like it. They used to lie so much about my abilities that it landed me in trouble when people used to ask me to actually prove it. I am autistic. I was the topper only until primary. After that my grades dropped and i became the black sheep and later the lost child. It is true that people who grow up with narcs, attract narc friends and partners. My bestie who was a covert narc, discarded me and i got MDD. Her favourite method to control was silent treatment. Literally every narc I've ever met does this. They don't show their true intentions or be honest and leave; they stay, _pretend_ and do this covertly because they are sadists unlike normal people.

[@HannehYA]

That just made me cry, I'm so sorry

[@WhileAKyle85]

Oof. All of these hit me. Point three was the biggest one for me. To do this day, I can't separate my sense of self-worth from how I perform at work. I used to have crying fits after write ups because I felt this deep inadequacy. I have gotten better with that over time through therapy and realizing I have room to mess up. No one is expecting perfection out of me. Growing up even the smallest mistakes felt gigantic. Having a grade in school that wasn't an A was met with "why didn't you try harder? Why? Why?" I always had to have a reason for messing up. Being human wasn't enough.

[@Katimorton]

Ugh I am so sorry you had to grow up with that kind of pressure :( It can be so hard to move past it as we grow up too. xooxox

[@ammaokami4479]

I felt like since middle school (when my mental health started its downward spiral) that whenever I would start to feel anxious or depressed, a voice in my head head would say "Why are you complaining? Look at the life you have! You have a strong social circle. Your friends and family love you. You have a safe home. You don't even have to study to get good marks. Some people don't even have half of that! You should be happy. Why aren't you happy?!?" I've tamed it a bit better over the years (along with some of the things I was grateful for becoming invalid), so it's more of a whisper now, but being toe only child and thus the golden child really does make it feel like your parents' expectations are placed on your shoulders, and that can feel as heavy as the world

[@FallenDragon308]

I thought I felt the most seen after watching your Eldest Daughter video, but this takes the cake for me. I have struggled throughout my life to not just fill the role of everybody's expectations of me. I was told I had so many talents growing up (ex: playing musical instruments, getting good grades in school) and it was constantly expected of me to be a high achiever. I grew up around the concept of FINAO (Failure Is Not An Option) and it definitely did the worst on my concept of self worth & self preservation. I had to fight to study what I wanted in college instead of what my mom dreamed of for me. Once I graduated, I worked 70+ hours a week across multiple jobs (I overcommitted because I felt like it was expected of me to "do it all") and neglected myself to the point I had to seek hospitalization for a weekend because of how deeply depressed I was. The kicker, I got myself in a similar situation with my last job, but thankfully not to the same extreme. I had to quit in order to prioritize myself again. Since I left that job, I have made a point to give myself more grace when I'm not performing at my peak. "We're all human" has been my reminder.

[@jyotivyas9286]

😮Thank you kati🎉🎉😊

[@louiseyoung1231]

Yes. I can relate in many ways. I'm one of the most responsible child though. I was the youngest and the golden child but was still abused. I feel like I wasn't as punished as much as my siblings but I was a people pleaser so yes, I was expected to do or act better. Some of my siblings abused me too because they hated me for being the golden child.

[@HaroldTheSloth]

This was enlightening. I'm an only child, the first grandson in the family, and I spent most of my younger years with severe undiagnosed OCD, trying to hide my odd compulsions to avoid disappointing my family. I feel like the golden child on steroids. Now that I'm older, I struggle with a constant and pervasive feeling of failure. I've got some serious things to work on, but this is a good starting point.

[@mavgirlsunited564]

I’m an only child too, my parents told me I was special. I took it to far and when I wasn’t perfect, I compared myself to everyone and ended up short. I still struggle with this.

[@raymondwalters2723]

Hmm, I always considered myself the golden child, but dont relate to this list that much. Only really #1 but that was more to try and win my narcissistic parent's love rather being driven by praise.

[@jerinpeter1390]

Thank you, I am trying my best to stay sane as much as possible. Thank you for all the support. (My wife's mother has done so much damage that she tells me to support my wife's decisions and do things for her and behind my back and in front of me, she says to my wife by gaslighting "are you not capable of doing things on your own, you don't need any support". This is why I am so split in my head. And when I keep boundaries, they both end up saying I am insane. But I haven't crossed the line of control and I carry a rosary with me, pleading to God to make stay sane. Her mother interferes in everything and i have never felt this marriage was not between 2 people but 3. Her mother says she is such a nice child and i should do everything for her and says all of this right in feont of her.

[@carolinelaronda4523]

This describes my husband so well . He was and still is the golden child of his family . It’s really made him extremely avoidant and very narcissistic. It’s extremely difficult getting him to fully grasp the fact that he’s enmeshed and quite frankly a complete asshole .

[@nannetteblackwell6214]

Yes I feel like I always have to do everything right and perfect or I get put down for it but I never get praise for doing something right

[@etharon6397]

soooo now im crying before classes at 8 a.m., because i have a test this afternoon and didn't study for it :) just being called out on avoiding responsibility, apathy, being in a freeze, escapism in general - I have been dreaming of going to medschool and becoming a doctor all my life, yet i can't get myself do anything now like im sabotaging myself, like it's a self-punishment. still stuck in a mindset of a child, a child i never actually was allowed to be when I was supposed to

[@photographony]

awawa:(( I hope u did good in that test,, but it's okay if you didn't because it happens at times ... :'D

[@sebastiengermain267]

I was the first born in my family and because I was born 2 1/2 months premature I've always felt "behind" in life and that I needed to work extra hard to achieve anything. As a result I ended up moving to another country to try a new career simply to please my family, when it really wasn't what I wanted to do. I'm now back home as it didn't work out. I'm definitely emotionally dependent as an adult big time.

[@photographony]

My family is very nice but people at my school aren't that much;;;;;; my mom saw me watching this vid during lunch and said if I feel like a golden kid, I can speak to her about it. I'm just researching :D and I'm happy bc I love my mom :)

[@marinakiell1069]

My parents thought that because I was small child always in the hospital that I’d want to be in the medical field such as a CNA or even a physical therapist luckily disability thwarted those aspirations that my parents had.

[@nicolemarie1909]

Great advice once again

[@Katimorton]

Yay! I am so glad you enjoyed it and found it helpful :) xoxo

[@stacib1992]

I am the only one of my siblings with an associates degree, and i enjoyed learning but didn't feel pride for anything i accomplished. Not even graduating community college. I feel proud about my travels that I've been on, but that's about it. I did things to make others proud of me, and now i can't afford to travel other than to work and back and to close friends' houses. I feel selfish if i feel proud or even happy for doing something for myself. I am a people pleaser with bpd.

[@Mx.KARLEY]

Plz see my response. BPD is theoretical. It wasn’t found through the scientific method. Best to you in fully recovering. ❤

[@Mx.KARLEY]

I am a trans femme. I am the oldest daughter but was raised as a male and that angered both my narcissistic parents. Dad wanted a son. Christian mom wanted a first born male. I am the polar opposite of Golden, the Black Sheep. I am easily the most wildly successful person in my entire family but am treated like a loser. Nothing I do pleases my parents. They are jealous. That meant my accomplishments were never celebrated even when I was headhunted to work at an Ivy League university with no degrees or official training. At age 23. I have a doctorate equivalency from a major University. I share this as your analysis applied to me until my wife left me after I came out. She is a narc as well it turns out. Therapy and living solo for almost a year reset my brain. I am confident and happy being me for the first time. Best to you.❤

[@nannetteblackwell6214]

I used to do number three but I finally stopped doing that and now I don't talk about my feelings to people except for my psychiatrist about how I feel

[@haileybailey-z9m]

no.3 relates so deep

[@missymagg196]

Not to get into it, but i was parentalized at 9. I have 2 older brothers, so idek if that's a good word for it. I was the one who needed to manage myself, and I called 911 if my brothers tried to kill each other. My mom didn't work but would be home for 16 hours at a time. She would "always come home," but 3am is the next day, no matter how you slice it. I struggle with all of it. I used to feel so responsible for my family, eventually failing all together. I felt like of i couldve just made everyone see how much we loved each other i could fix it. Then i was taken (again) at 11 and my family fell apart completely. To this day (over a decade) my brothers and i dont talk unless my mom is present and my mom told me 2 months before that shes moving across the country. All that did wonders for not feeling guilty or responsible. Phones work 2 ways, and my mom is a grown woman. I'm not responsible for them. My daughter is 8mo old, and she's my responsibility, and let me tell you, that's a weight ill gladly carry. It feels like nothing compared to carrying the weight of my parents. 🥂 here's to breaking cycles!

[@Moon_Fire_Water]

Parentified is the word you are looking for ! You are not alone

[@dram929]

@katimorton, Could you please do "only child syndrome" cast? Golden, oldest, youngest and middle, all have I used to attempt to understand what has effected me. I can use as a crossover of those syndromes into my perfect score on ACES and ACoA/DF through family of origin (ancestrial curse) of narcissism in all forms . However it is not even close to a recognizable picture. It is very unique situation for a much smaller audience, as only children are forgotten, the unseen...

[@TheAileZX2]

Imagine your mother deciding to just flog your heart and mind and principles for years and years. And since your mind doesn't have pain receptors like nerve endings do, you do not notice it. My mother now treats me like some sort of impressionable object now that she likes to just scare for no reason after my brother put his foot down with her with the help of his fiance. She ran out of all options but my mind now. And..... it's pitiful. I have sooooo many principles to unlearn.

[@benjaminpeacock1175]

Can you be both the golden child and also feel like you experienced perceived or actual abandonment? I very much relate to these and in many ways was the favored child and yet also in many ways felt unseen and unheard. Would this possibly then be related to a disorganized attachment style?

[@amberlee6826]

Yikes this hit home hard!

[@frslover]

I am just the opposite with growing up. My sister got all the attention and i was the invisible one. She got all the attention and was on my own.

[@carolinelaronda4523]

Me too

[@blackaugust2035]

Ma'am you just describe the whole Asian family system 😂😂😂

[@k3qever413]

Filipino here😔 Asian + youngest + woman + from poor family = me It sucks🥺 I feel so alone

[@d.nakamura9579]

1:40 nice Holistic Psychologist reference. Another good KZbin channel 👏

[@photographony]

I, Bebe, am not a golden child.... but I'm developing one, so I need to research!! :)

[@MagnumInnominandum]

Can one be both a scapegoat and golden child? Particularly if one is an only child? I feel some of the traits of both.

[@Elizabethpepper8]

I believe, from my own experience, that a child can still be favored despite their role. I was the scapegoat, my sister golden, but my mother favored me due to what I provided.

[@user-gz4lv1gm6u]

I was diagnosed with BPD, but this feels exactly the same.

[@Mx.KARLEY]

Get an autism evaluation. Self-DX is always valid. I’m autistic and love life after learning my neurotype is different from most. My brain feels everything and is wired differently. It’s not a disease or a bad thing to be autistic. I do not have autism. I am autistic. Best to you in healing on your way to full recovery. ❤

[@AdrianColley]

1:54 "The Golden Child often faces unrealistic expectations." My instant, unguarded reaction: "they weren't unrealistic, I was awesome!"

[@Malekfahad420]

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[@Mx.KARLEY]

Don’t do this.

[@lasphynge8001]

I relate to a lot of this, but I am a little bit bothered by how your explanations sounds a lot like "being praised in childhood" is the main factor... I don't know, it will be part of the issue if it's really excessive and constant, for sure, but I wouldn't say praise is the issue itself. Personally I'd rather point to other needs and learnings not being addressed, as if praise was the sole key to good parenting. Also how the praise is quite focussed on external markers of success, and sometimes seems to replace attention and care to the rest of the child's personality, expression, emotional needs... Like, I remember being praised a lot for being good in school and having good grades, but feeling awfully lonely because adults then assumed I never needed help or even company, for homework or for anything... I spent quite a lot of time alone in my bedroom. Whenever I wanted other types of emotional support or attention, adults would brush it off because my good grades meant I was "fine" and couldn't possibly have anything to complain about. They said it kindly, they always added compliments in the mix, but what they said always meant they were going to ignore whatever else I was bringing up. Emotionally I wasn't starved, but I was malnourished, if you will. I did have a lot of anxiety around performing at the high level that was expected, where the bar had been set, because it seemed like the only form of validation and attention I'd ever be able to garner, and I dreaded losing that. When I talked about this anxiety around performance, my family reassured me they were absolutely sure I'd succeed and there was no reason to doubt that, which I know stemmed from good intentions and was probably true, but it didn't really soothe me and I remember thinking "I'd rather hear that it's okay too if I fail, and I'll be loved either way"... That's basically what it boils down to, for me. As a matter of fact, a lot of my self work has been centered on being okay with failure and imperfection, it's brought me a lot of serenity and helped me achieve more, oddly. Excess praise is one way to put it, but I just wanted to add that I don't think praise and validation are the issue in and of themselves - by all means, do feel free to encourage your kids in life - for me it's more of an imbalance with other things, and an issue with the type and focus of said praise.

[@frost6272]

10:20 I’m sorry, is this supposed to be an example of behavior or satire? An entitled spoiled child is not the same as a golden child. Avoiding responsibility after growing up the golden child is from being unable to live up to the extreme standards our parents set and paralyzing fear of failure. Golden children already have to deal with conditional love from parents and hatred and abuse from siblings. Don’t perpetuate the spoiled brat stereotype.

[@leslier302]

straight As were the norn, C's were failure. I had a learning disability. I couldn't do better in math.

[@LabCat]

My mom was the golden child. My aunt was the black sheep. My uncle was "the chosen one". My uncle distanced himself, my aunt got disowned and committed suicide, and my mom died earlier than she should've from a combination of guilt, heartbreak, and self-loathing. I somehow inherited traits from all three. Yello, therapist? Clear your calendar.

[@tiagonthego]

Wow… committed suicide is so sad and crazy…. That’s really how you know how extremely terrible the pain and shame was in the family system and dynamic :/.

[@libertykim6438]

I was definitely the scapegoat child

[@shadowfreddy4044]

i suffer from great depression due to life and family and friends my family don't even care about my feelings it hard to live in the same house hold with them and to make matter even worse I cant go to therapy due to no money I had friends in the past that bully me and it bugs me to this day and also when I watch parents slap there kids it trigger me to make me cry/anger and when I tell my parents they don't care I been hit as a child and yelled and curse at and put down right now I been thinking about suicide but I'm doing my best not to think about it

[@photographony]

I'm not a golden child in my family but I'm very golden in my classroom and my teachers and classmates besides now keep pressuring me and I have three amazing friends in my classroom but I feel stressed out sometimes even with them when we're working together because school. I didn't study last tests week and I got a 7,5/10 on almost everything 'D I'm scared of my next grade because new teachers will come and some say most of them are worse and there's new content and I'm autistic......

[@AmirahWasHere]

Ah, yes...I've been feeling like this since I was like 8 years old ://

[@nannetteblackwell6214]

I think I will be honest I'm on disability and the reason that I'm on disability is because my mother did drugs and alcohol while she was pregnant with me and I had health complications that makes it impossible for me to work and the government says that I I'm not capable of taking care of myself and I'm constantly put down because of it I feel like I'm never good enough because I have to do everything that the person is over my money which is a family member that puts me down for not being perfect in doing the things she thinks that I should so I never feel good enough

[@jahkarl7376]

John 6:63.

[@tamastokos1583]

And the answer is: ehm, sometimes yes.... #4 and #5 is true for me, but I don't think I was (am) The Golden Child...

[@dimamina7344]

3:40 too much i relate to much too this and i don't like it

[@zehnhex]

Ahaaa, sooo I am the golden child who has BPD and chronic depression. GG.

[@RappingNinja]

If you are a social worker from LA and are suddenly told you’ve been selected as the “chosen one” to find a lost Tibetan child with mystical powers, you might be experiencing Golden Child syndrome.

[@MarkusSteiner-h1q]

It’s called socialism

[@spiritzweispirit1st638]

Better late than never_ Before a self operating system- Control/Alt/Delete_ of Externals as Validaters_- and 'waking up' to Self 'Well Being' maintenance and empowerment Via' Intentional Accountability! Ten years ago at 50 '_ I have since identified with partially or more- with All' of your concepts' Cept the 'First'_ That sequence example was interesting actually_ as I've found it was likely 'Self imposed' from insecurities of self worth?! Bcz My Parents?'The Best! in everyway!' (massive realization about that one!) So wish I could go back and Start again! This is One of your Best video's I've seen! Kati' Thank you!🌐🛡️🩶🕊️