The Horror of New York City

[@michaelfoxbrass]

Patton creates hilarious and emotionally rich word paintings with metaphors, analogies, and similes.

[@MelancoliaI]

Possibly the best comedian going

[@jerryturner7982]

I loved him on king of queens. I never realized how truly funny he was until youtube. Seriously, to me one of the best ever Patton.

[@anfrankogezamartincic1161]

He was my favorite beside old man Stiller in King of Queens

[@TheMisterGuy]

King of Queens is negative humor, but Patton somehow found a way to make funny moments happen just by being that character.

[@dontforgettolike7127]

I want someone to be sad, and I wanna know that I’m responsible!!

[@artfree-spirit7214]

I literally could not stop laughing after he said that

[@greyknighttexan3299]

I want a shirt with on it

[@LEGENDCITYest1963]

OUR FREE MARKET ECONOMY IS STRONG.

[@samfilmkid]

"I want someone to be sad and I wanna KNOW THAT I'M RESPONSIBLE!!"

[@tavonnamiller]

I could NOT agree with this more!!! Totally my experience after living here 2 years! Lol

[@pika23]

Talk about test products...my husband and I were among the people to pick the flavor of cranberry splash Sierra mist....we were living in Tallahassee Florida at the time.

[@juliano66]

New York's always had it's share of decadence and degeneracy, much like ancient Rome. 'Gangs of New York', the actual novel documented that NYC had true pockets of horror even 170 years ago--Charle Dickens was impressed at the squalor of NYC when he visited, he thought it comparable to London's legendary filth and poverty.

[@jackmaney4276]

I've visited NYC once for a week, and it only took a few days for the city to poke at the rat in my brain-cage. Walking in NYC was a very weird experience. One block is more or less normal--crowded, but what you'd expect for walking in a large city. Then, for the next half-block or so, for no reason, it smells like you're in the middle of a landfill. And after that half-block, it smells relatively fine again.

[@Violet-Intents]

What borough were you in if I may ask?

[@jackmaney4276]

@@Violet-Intents I don't remember the name of the borough or the hotel that I stayed at, but I do remember every time I exited the hotel, Times Square was visible a few blocks or so down to the right. I also remember walking by the studio where the David Letterman show was filmed, and part of the conference I was attending was in the Bloomberg building (which was a walkable distance away).

[@bull419]

Your weak bro.

[@jackmaney4276]

@@bull419 *you're

[@davidsonnow]

This dude is a national treasure

[@alicen2610]

This is great and pretty spot on. The city is one of a kind in the look and vibe but it's hell to live in. It's actually safe for the most part, so not hell in terms of feeling unsafe, but just way too many people, too much noise, too dirty, too expensive, too competitive, weather sucks 8 months a year (most can't afford a car to avoid the too hot and humid and too cold weather), public transportation is increasingly unreliable and always overcrowded when you need it, extremely difficult to have a normal relationship because there are seemingly too many options so no one ever seems perfect enough to commit more than a few dates to, and everyone is in a bad mood, pushy, loud, and rude. I will be saving my money up to move within the next year hopefully. I am considering LA and a few other places. I know LA has its own issues with traffic but every person I've met here in NY who has moved to LA prefers it there despite its own negatives. If I had a family, I'd consider a smaller city since I wouldn't have to worry about finding dating partners anymore (which is harder in smaller cities, especially after your mid 20s).

[@orangeporanges]

Same dating issue in LA as well and social media runs and ruins this city

[@ArkainKnight]

Sofia Mastro that isn’t true at all

[@StonefolkNetwork]

Grew up in NJ and all my life wanted to live in NYC. Moved there and lasted all of 7 months. Moved to LA. That was over 15 years ago and I’ve never looked back. Parents are still back east and with each year that passes it becomes harder and harder to even bring myself to visit!

[@BlowmeRoger]

NY was always the same as far as I'm aware and seemed pretty dangerous before 2000

[@Tonyhouse1168]

I lived in Dallas TX for many years and hated the place. It’s full of pretentious a-holes who ask what your job is, what do you drive, and what part of the city you live in before they ask your name. Moved to a quiet little island outside of Jacksonville 4 1/2 years ago and not only did I realize that thing the I hated most was sitting in traffic every day for 2 hours to drive 6 miles but that the moment I left, all my anxieties and anger disappeared. But now I’m finding my little island more busy than ever, but I really should have checked out the dating scene first. I didn’t know that people out here just settle for whoever first gave them attention, but they all have kids by different dads, still live at home, or have massive drug problems…and in a lot of cases, all 3. Took a while to get content with the notion that I may just be single forever and that’s okay. Good luck and calm waters to you wherever you decide to go.

[@goalie9198]

If I was that guy that invented the famous bowl - I would get down on my knees and thank Patton - he probably single handedly sold an extra million famous bowls with that routine. I personally have never tried it but if I do it will be entirely due to Patton.

[@Terriss0421]

Pics, or it didn't happen.

[@plucas1]

* Sadness Bowl, you mean

[@skelter1153]

They're really not bad. ..better than anything at McDonald's.

[@plissken2156]

KFC missed a golden opportunity. They should've hired Patton to be their national spokesperson. If the advertising was done right, then both parties could've walked away a whole lot richer in the end. Patton could've been to KFC what Jared was to Subway (minus the you-know-what).

[@RogerPeet]

In the 1970s, I went to NYC and when I entered the city limit, they gave me a gun. That is a tough city.

[@stevenmccart5455]

He has a talent for turning a phrase.

[@PRHILL9696]

It is scary what New Yorkers tell me about living in New York!

[@Tigerman1138]

PRHILL9696 San Francisco is worse. 💩 & 💉 everywhere on roads.

[@robnorwood3591]

@@Tigerman1138 Not true.

[@derp8575]

@@robnorwood3591 Well it's not true; but it's not false.

[@FacheChanteDeux]

@@robnorwood3591 Very true. I live in New York and I felt depressed after leaving SF. L.A. is more my thing.

[@michaeldaviddelrio749]

Dude, that was excellent!

[@thetooginator153]

NYC is cool, but it’s not for the timid. It’s crazy to move there unless you are REALLY rich, have a lot of family and friends there, or (preferably) both.

[@Tigerman1138]

Every 8 seconds: *honk* 🚖 “ **** you!” 💥

[@FacheChanteDeux]

Being a NY'er I can honestly say this is what I love about NYC. It is live theater on every corner. There is something outrageous and hilarious happening everywhere. Patton was living in the wrong neighborhood. Midtown is a twilight zone tourist laced hell.

[@chrismerkel9604]

I'm from Upstate. NYC is a cesspool shit hole. I hate that my taxes go to fund anything associated with its existence.

[@ScipioAfricanusI]

I live in and love New York City. The crack heads and the dog-poopers all get along. That is what makes the City great-there is room for everyone.

[@AlanPerez-bv2wi]

Your from the burbs

[@ScipioAfricanusI]

I do not understand why you would say that? My wife and I live, happily, in East Harlem, which is upper Manhattan.

[@DavidGreyson]

I'm from Oklahoma, and now i feel strangely validated, now that Patton referenced my home state.

[@pditties]

Me too! LOL David what is odd is that if you are from here you know Ponca City has a few oil companies there so maybe they already had the eye lid boils?

[@MusicHandsAbrupt]

I lived in Broken Arrow for four years. It wasn’t terrible. Pretty decent place, Oklahoma.

[@samelliott8246]

As someone born and raised in Texas and who moved to New York City a few years ago, I can safely say that part of the issue of having so many people in such a small area is that... well... there are a lot of types of people here. A lot of creative people, a lot of brilliant people, a lot of average people... and a lot of dregs. The dregs make things more unpleasant for everyone. Oh well, at the rate things are going, if you're so stupid you're barely sentient, you won't be able to live within 200 miles of this place anyway, so things will sort themselves out soon enough.

[@greenman6141]

The real point is this: No matter how horrible people say NYC is, people would still prefer to live there than anywhere in Texas. Proof: The population of all of Texas is 28.64m, in 268,596 square miles The population of metro NYC is 20.2m in 13,318 square miles. And why is this: because there's, er, culture, education, arts, an economy, controls on guns, controls on pollution, public health, there aren't "church schools" which spend years protecting the people raping the students, there aren't "ministers" who shout from the pulpit to kill people. ANd you know what else...you are more apt to be murdered in Texas too. Indeed, New York City is safer than Niagara Falls. I've lived back and forth between the US and Europe all my life. All you have to do to make Europeans laugh is say "where in Texas would you like to visit."

[@Salguine]

I know the location of the 50th Street Grime Tunnel

[@marccolten9801]

God I miss New York.

[@williamgregory1848]

Patton is a foul mouthed poet, it’s so beautiful 😂

[@pika23]

I had a double.down and it triggered a ball bladder attack. To be fair I was diagnosed with stones a few weeks before that

[@abbycross90210]

What's a ball bladder attack?

[@benwood7174]

10.02 ad pops on, woulda shit my pants if it was specifically for the KFC bowl. It was a beer ad but close

[@jefftaargus6672]

I loooooove the famous bowl, and Patton.

[@mqbitsko25]

How times change. He described today's Seattle perfectly, except you don't have to go into a tunnel.

[@richmonksgtr]

The entire city is a Bleeker St. Grime Tunnel.

[@geoffdearth8575]

"grime tunnel"

[@louiseirving1354]

"ass teeth" (chloe sevigny's)

[@Twatbox]

Is this bit on the DVD?

[@steveconn]

NY is pretty much like Epcot now. Back in the '80s and '90s, now that was scary.

[@niconestra]

I grew up in Washington Heights in the 70's and 80's. Saw my first murder victim at 11 in Fort Tryon park.

[@tylertyler82]

I had a connecting flight at Laguardia airport once. It was the shittiest airport I'd ever been in, outside of Chicago o'hare

[@Tigerman1138]

internetuser I feel luggage area, which should be a LOT nicer, is the reason President Trump says our airports look like third-world countries. Chicago? I thought it had a beautiful statue of O’Hare the pilot and more.

[@Nazumi_999]

I was -1 years old when you posted this video

[@garydonnelly5030]

Too right

[@sixtoibarra5807]

I ❤L.A

[@schboove2668]

What did that guy at the beginning scream out?

[@dr.christopherdiaz4473]

absolutely true...wouldnt leave NYC until the market crashed and FORCED me out, lol.

I have never heard of said bowl.

[@tjperette5304]

It’s hilarious because it’s true.

[@jonathangwynne1917]

Eyelid-boils and ass-teeth... What a visual!

[@moorebounce]

That guy from Yum Brands didn't invent the famous bowl he most likely got the idea from regular worker in the company. I'm sure he visited a store and saw a worker putting something together to eat. I used to work for KFC on and off for 10 years. You invent a lot of stuff after getting tired of the food there. He most likely got paid for a idea he stole from a worker. All he did was add some shredded cheese. My invention was the thigh meat chicken sandwich.

[@pika23]

I make the bowls with cauliflower mashed. Makes it healthier

[@joshgibson9732]

Lol why is this categorized under "sports"?

[@CraigMac18]

@HARPER DODD lmao

[@Tigerman1138]

Water sports by crack heads.

[@Nightbird8272]

I made it about two and a half years in NYC. Never again.

[@SpadePyro]

I live in New York and love it

[@AlanPerez-bv2wi]

Are you from.Orange county

[@isellbeer]

Skip to 6:46 when the applause starts.

[@jts8053]

Patton Oswalt is my spirit animal

[@DeputyCartman100]

I've lived in NYC for 5 years and counting. He didn't mention the fact that the crackhead would be throwing his garbage on the F train line and screaming incoherently at you if you tell him or her to not litter. But you don't want to live in the banal "Just counting down the days until I day" suburbs. Long Island? Ewwwww. Jersey? EWWWWWWWW. ...It's a conundrum.

[@MartKencuda]

I know explaining the joke kills the joke, and I'm probably being dumb, but can anyone explain the "social contract, assholes!" part at 2:40?

[@abbycross90210]

I assumed it meant there's an implied social contract in place to pick up after yourself in general, except no one in NYC is abiding by it except him.

[@wasteland6961]

Shout to Tim and Eric!! Fucking awesome

[@jenaogirl]

NYC: Too. Much. Filth. Everywhere.

[@thechaosgods]

This is what London's like

[@iboremytherapist]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/hpLOgINjdtCti6s what does the audience guy yell during this joke?

[@davidfortier6976]

I think he yells "f-ck that sh-t!"

[@Jay-fx4tx]

Im so glad I live in the country lol

[@drumsNstuff79]

My sister and her family lived in New York and I would visit them occasionally when I could get there from where I was at the time. The subway stations really are that grimey. Beyond grimey. "Hmmm The tiles on the bottom are black, I thought subway tiles are supposed to be white.. oh wait, they were.." Every poster for every movie, tv show, product, or service that gets put up in any tunnel had to be vandalized in some creatively obscene way. That old coffee cup rolling around on the floor? It's been there since '82! And the heat down there. It would raise up this ungodly human body grime stink.. you'd finally get off the train and walk up a staircase desperate for the fresh air, but it would be another level of street stink. And on every railing had to be chained a rusty bike frame. Not a bike, just the frame. Everything else stripped off. No wheels, not seat, no pedals, no handlebars. And I never knew if it was because everything else was stolen off the bike, or taken off the bike by it's owner who actually rode that piece of trash. In the city. With taxis and traffic and buses and god knows what else. Riding around on a rusty piece of trash barely held together with duct tape and more rust. Welcome to New York.

[@BrandonSeattle]

What the hell, he recorded this bit in Seattle.

[@justforever96]

As far as I'm concerned that describes just about any city. Some are worse than others, and the larger they are the worse they are. Anything over 10,000 people is pretty much a shithole, as far as I'm concerned. I live in the country, and I like living here, and I never want to go near a city if I can help it. And I can't imagine why anyone who isn't masochist would want too. I guess if you're raised to it, you can get used to anything. Sure, you can make more money in the city, but it costs more to live there, and is it worth any amount of money?

[@MOUNTAINEER1976]

I don't care where you fall on the political spectrum, but funny is funny. And Patton Oswalt is legitimately funny!

[@talbrott]

classic stories

[@hiroshi138]

Saw Patton live about 10 years ago and ISTG the entire act was about "gay stuff". Not ironic jokes either but really mean-spirited jokes about anyone who didn't 1000% endorse the LGBTQ agenda. Really disappointing show but I still like him.

[@seoulkidd1]

Nice Really Nice lmao

[@8chicagotypewriter8]

The keds.

[@pika23]

We never got mega 🍗

[@AmorphousSleaze]

Holy shit, Ass teeth. Gold.

[@hasseaouled6032]

Blue Nipples 😂😂😂

[@starcrafter13terran]

How dare the republican and his dog interupt two liberals exchanging "great ideas"?

[@walterm.robertsiiiphd2157]

Could not disagree more: Lived in NYC (Manhattan only) from 1979-88; 90-94 -- most of my 20s and early 30s. Cannot imagine a more excited place to come of age. If PO imagines/prefers life in the suburbs to that . . . well, what can I say?

[@AlanSmitheeman]

Personality has a lot to do with it. Laid-back people may find the noise/activity/traffic of a big city stimulating and exciting whereas high strung-people may find it anxiety-inducing and over-stimulating.

[@justforever96]

KFCs Famous Bowls are SO terrible and make people SO miserable that they are the best selling fast food product in the world? That's some logic. And no, I've never tasted one myself. I've seen this with many other products. Obviously MANY people like, whatever people with more "sophisticated" tastes like. No one is forcing anyone to buy McDonalds or KFC, people buy them because they think it tastes good. Sort of a variant of "we need to censor this terrible, wrong idea because people are actually believing it!" Kind of "I'm smarter than they are, so I need to save them from themselves, because democracy".

[@davidfortier6976]

That's not what he's saying.

[@justforever96]

Guess he just knows he target audience. It's Seattle, so the theme need to be bashing big corporations and "mainstream" lowbrow trends, and belittling flyover country shmucks to make the trendy sophisticated Seattlites feel superior.

[@Jesse__H]

Impressed you were able to raise your arm to even type, with that massive chip on your shoulder.

[@JHATDRUMMER1976]

pattons a great comic but he looses me when he continues the joke he just needs to move on the joke is funny enough without the bonus joke at the end

[@proto-geek248]

🤫

[@vcp93]

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bacon_soft_drink Welcome to 'MuriKuh!