The Icky Feeling When Someone is Limerent on YOU

[@jodeenwink7215]

Thank you Fairy. I never knew there was such a thing as limerence. I think I was guided to your work as part of my own healing process, and I want to express my gratitude that you are here doing this work, helping human beings. Bless you.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for your kind words! I'm so glad the channel has been helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@thesaddestdude3575]

Im never going to approach a woman, knowing all it would cause is her icking.

[@melissawong4125]

I think a lot of tv series and drama are encouraging limerance. We are told that if we like somebody and wait long enough, she/he will realize our worth one day and wants to be with us. Absolute BS 😂

[@lunarm0th690]

I agree with this. It's always a man chasing a woman too. I'm beyond sick of this trope. It's fueling male entitlement.

[@somethingbambi875]

After three years of getting over my husband, we finally met and talked out and then he told me he always liked me and now we are married with kids and I am so confused 😂 Sometimes it really happen, but you must go on with your life! I was pretty over him when he finally came around 😂

[@damongirl66]

@@lunarm0th690 It makes men look like pests who won't take no for an answer.

[@gatorssbm]

Limerence is also downright dangerous if the one being chased is avoidantly attached. They might like you back but still feel smothered and run away because it puts huge pressure on them.

[@Jesters_Lair]

How is it fueling "male entitlement" ​@@lunarm0th690

[@Aleksandrasamusjew]

Its so destructive...having a limererence object - it was making me feel so pathetic...unlovable, ashamed of having these kind of feelings...just hoping that someone would love you back, accept you. A soul eating experience. In my case- my parents did not "see" me, or my needs. I was so unhappy at home...so yeah...this was my heroin.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We understand as few others can. You're in the right place and we're all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@kadd4415]

I'm learning that if a person has had a lot of painful childhood experiences, that disappointment and hurt can be considered the status quo. We are just more used to it then feeling hopeful and victorious. I think limerence is like a fantasy and a real relationship is hard work. It takes a healthy, more resilient ego to be in a real relationship where the hard knocks of daily life don't throw us way off course or destroy us. I sound like I'm objective, but nope, I've been there and I'm gladly learning to be healthier and more resilient.

[@Dilly_dallying_kite_monger]

I think being more interested and invested in ourselves from the get go, dissolves other people's importance in our lives and people come and go anyway but we stay with ourselves, its better to be more invested in ourselves if we want to be happy . Plus everybody has different skills and talents and beauty in them, we should rather try honing them . Life is just a theatre or like a game

[@adahbombdon1512]

@@Dilly_dallying_kite_mongeryes yes yes

[@leotherussianlion]

I feel you

[@sunsetschaser7749]

I had been limerent almost all my life until very recently. When you said that it's common for neglected kids, it broke my heart because of how connected I felt to that statement

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We understand as few others can and we're all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@Bingewatchingmediacontent]

Every single “relationship” I was involved with in my teens and twenties was either me being limerent, or someone else being limerent towards me. I thought I was a stalker who then, in turn, attracted stalkers. I’m so glad to have learned this term, limerent, as it brings it all into focus and allows me to understand that my neglectful childhood experiences caused me to not be able to understand healthy attraction and love. I was just so desperate to be loved. It always was so confusing that I couldn’t force myself to fall in love with these people who were desperate for me.

[@isabelchamberlain7198]

"You get good at seeing love where there isn't any" amazing sentence to describe limerence. Thank you so much for all your enlightening videos.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@emw8386]

it makes sense, deprivation of any kind retunes the associated senses into hypersensitivity to what is missing... and eventually, if its absence grows chronic, into something almost hallucinatory (not in a fun way)

[@isabelchamberlain7198]

@emw8386 yes, heartbreaking 💔

[@KelleyBroussardMackaig]

As someone who's been on both sides of limerence - my heart goes out to both of them. Such a sad and difficult position to be in.

[@tcb3901]

Truth

[@anthonylfrye7922]

I know I told you just last night, that I jumped in to help you regain your self confidence when YOU were three thousand miles away and YOU called twice a day everyday for over a year. I did have to fight off my own losses after a disabling cancer treatment, and financial security and passion of a very successful career. My self confidence was lost, until after being trained as a Cancer Patient Navigator, I was very inspired to go back to school and study Human Services. Still coaching you to recognize your accomplishments and skills, my own losses were very close to the surface, and the loss of my eldest sister, whom I'd been a primary caregiver for shook my foundations again. Twenty years of sobriety saved me, no doubt, but I again was lost to find some inspirstion Music has always been part of my life, so when an opportunity to play perform two nights a week at s winery was a dream come true. For seven years after Head and Neck cancer treatment, the radiation scar tissue parrrlized the right side of my larynx. One night while singing a long known song, I could not hit pitch. It terrified me as it got worse as my two hour set went on. The next day I called my doctor who had a cancellation and could see me. When he looked at my throat he said , casually, we've been waiting for this. It's a common side effect from the radiation, that developed after six years. It was worse than hearing my original diagnosis, and angered me because it was known, but I was never told of it. For a second and now third time, a potential income and joy was lost. Again my self esteem and confidence was devastated. As I couseled you back I fought off those same emotions....again. The only grace was seeing you return to the confident woman I had met, and called me to tell me of the crush you had on me. We shared three years as very close friends till you came for dinner and told me you were moving back east to start a business with a highschool girlfriend. You stayed with me for six weeks, sleeping together but never having sex. I accepted that as maturity and possibilty of really getting to know each other. Then watching you blossumimg after many tearful conversations, I remember boldly telling you that the intimacy of our conversations had swept me off my feet. I confesed I had fallen in love with you. This was after you had been calling for over a year and a half. I intuitively recognized that things were changing in our rapport and conversations. Then very suddenly without warning you ghosted me. I did not even know the term. I had always ended relationships with conversations. Not easy, but providing closure. This caught me totally off guard. Worse, you became very resentful posting on Tictoc and other social media, hurtful videos. I shut you out as best I could. Then a year ago I started receiving anonomous messages about guilt and shame you felt. Finally I poetic love note that I could always find your love in the stars. Now you send these podcasts, that I do appreciate, and applaud you self care. But just last night I asked that you stop sending me mail such as memories of Roy Rodgers, who only you knew was my childhood hero. Then Rambling Jack Elliot who was the last to tour with Woody Guthrie, and teach Bob Dylan how to be Bob Dylan. Who I met as Uncle Jack, a dear family friend of my ex wife. Yes several holidays were spent with Jack and I performing for those family and friends. One video was of a set he played in New York. I had played every song in that set in my gigs for many years and still do. These fond gestures become painful triggers for my boldly expressed love. Are you feeling some affection now, or are you pointing out limerance. I don't call my admission of love limerance. And after hearing Ecart Tole talk you express appreciation that I was the only man that showed depth in my love, truth honesty and respect. But I remain ghosted. You can write me, but I can not reply. You can play friend, but I'm not invited. You can tell me of your twin flame heartbreak, and leave me wondering.... what? What did I do to deserve this. I still hold a deep love for you and you admit that you can't fulfill my needs. How could you know? But I accept your honest expression. In this podcast I can hear the point. I said it last night after some interaction. Please stop sending me these lessons you are working on. I have been there and done that and all they do is trigger my love all over. I still strongly suggest a twelve step program. But that Comes from 32 years. It is more than difficult for me to express this but it is the only way to really move on. Either open the door so we can share as friends equally, or STOP . I can't tell you how much I am stirred to seek your reciprocation. I am almost willing to try your twin flame manipulation.....but no I won't go there. So as I said last night SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT FISH OR CUT BAIT. Please respect my emotional impact from this. I can and will move on...if I must. But I can also be respectful enough not to drive emotional spikes into your heart If you open the door to equal boundaries I will play. If not. I guess I will have to stop using a smart phone or computer. I just can't have my heart tossed around like this. This is not what I want but if you want to hide and hurt, I quit. I am man, and yes men are emotional also. There are very valid reasons for my love. Just as there might be valid reasons for your denial to me. Let's be kind. Open the door, or leave me alone.

[@thomasmclaughlin3948]

I wish I had no idea what you are talking about.

[@lionheart6518]

Same but I ended it quickly and the one I had limerence with waited for months. I did loose a lot of weight which slingshot me into doing sports. Use the energy limerence gives you. I was constantly hyper.

[@11AceHearts11]

💖💖💖

[@MalaWaldron]

It's counter-intuitive - the object of limerence, in an effort to be KIND lets the "friendship" continue, but is in fact being UNKIND by giving the limerent false hope (been there, done that TOO many times!) -- I believe the "icky" feeling is the body telling you that something is off. You're trying to rationalize that because you're not romantically attracted, the nice thing to do is to continue as platonic friends. But the truth is You can't be a friend with someone who has an agenda that you are not aligned with, especially when your gut is telling you - you never will be. Great video, Crappy Childhood Fairy, excellent advice!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@kadd4415]

Super interesting...bc I've thought about being kind and understanding but also have difficulty expressing my boundaries without guilt. I get gut feelings but it takes talking with friends that helps me identify if these gut feelings come from my own anxiety or are truly based on specific interactions with the person in question. Usually, it's the latter.

[@Bingewatchingmediacontent]

Sometimes if it’s a coworker then you don’t have any other choice but to be cordial and kind. When I was 30 a 20 year old guy that I worked with decided that I was the object of his desire. I didn’t realize this until he had already arranged a group outing of coworkers after work, and then made sure everyone else left early, and then walked me home. I tried to let him down kindly but very very clearly, “You’re great, but I’m not interested in a romantic relationship with you.” He apparently took that as a compliment, and it made him feel hope. When I started dating someone I was actually interested in at that same job, this kid flipped out on me claiming I led him on. I don’t feel like I led him on. I didn’t go to lunch with him or do or say anything that was encouraging him to continue to pursue me. The one big thing I learned was not to date anyone I worked with ever again. But where does one meet people, except at work or online? Life is hard when you’re not great at relationships and complicated personal relationships.

[@GodsendMusic]

​@@Bingewatchingmediacontentsounds to me likevyiure just a 304

[@giusigurl7971]

100% this!! you know, when I used to talk about this guy I liked, my therapist at first thought it was limerence.. but then I realized that I wasn't. and that this person was in fact doing things to make me think he was into me. and when I shared all those things later on with my therapist.. she realized that it wasn't limerence. but I was however deeply attached to him. (i found out much later, that I'm autistic and I think this is common for us). Anyway, my point is.. more than once, I told him and tried to create distance because I told him we can't be friends because I liked him too much was reading into everything too much. But then he would always come back.. and do things.. like hold onto my hand, put his arm around me... and all these other things. So, Ya. He 100% was being unkind in this situation.

[@reed6514]

Unrequited love hurts bad, and space helps a lot.

[@TalymoMakes]

It’s really dangerous when a person who is prone to limerance encounters a narcissist. It happened to me. It was the worst 7 years of my life.

[@LisaKelly-k8s]

It must have been so terrible for you. God bless.

[@Initial_Gopnik]

It happened to me too, 4 years down the drain.. and she had the audacity to ask me to pay her back for a few things she recently bought, after letting her live with me free of any expenses of food, rent, or basically anything for three years, i just think about it years of supporting her and her habits and making excuses for her "quirks" just so she could stay up till 3-4am talking to other people and deleting the chats while i slept next to her.

[@MsPBJTime]

Same. I married that person. 4 years divorced now. Thankful to have escaped.

[@Kressa1111]

It happened to me with my husband of 16 years and I’m trapped with a narcissist. I want an escape out of it now and I find myself longing for love (even making up love w/someone that doesn’t exist), but not wanting to cheat.

[@emilyschultz1482]

I’ve had limerance on others since I was 8. This was so painful to watch.

[@lufvalente]

Felt the same watching.

[@FriendMariaAdrianna]

❤️

[@FriendMariaAdrianna]

@@lufvalente ❤️

[@heenagujral244]

yep same here

[@DibbzTV]

I’ve had it a couple of times. It ducks

[@aurelia4297]

I feel like romcoms and romance books made me like this

[@mariatimmer6142]

Right? With the whole “dont giveup on love” mantra, ugh

[@somethingbambi875]

I am now joining the "no-love club" instead 😅

[@damongirl66]

@@somethingbambi875 I'm over 15 years single and I recommend it.

[@SybilKibble]

Agreed -- that's why I don't believe everything I read or see on TV. :)

[@MeowMeow-ju4vf]

It's better to give up. Nobody is worthy of trust and love.

[@KA-mq4wj]

There’s a longing for someone who may remind you of a deceased or neglectful parental figure growing up. You are deeply in love with this person because if you can get them to love you, you will be finally loved and accepted by your parents. When the relationship doesn’t happen you are left with such utter pain, grief and disappointment once again. It’s deeply devastating.

[@markhynes1940]

Oh my god. I think I just suffered ego death because of this comment but it was one I needed to feel.

[@Chair_0809]

So true. It decimates me everytime. Dealt with it at least 4 times as an adult.

[@dl4037]

Limerence is such a painful thing, never feed that hope when someone is limerent with you, that hope has to be crushed to free the person from it. Actually you are helping the limerent person to face the truth.

[@searchingstuff]

Its always a sad situation because I generally think in most cases, both people don't want to hurt the other.

[@HannahRoot55]

Wisner

[@christopherherr7561]

I've been on both sides. With a lot of upkeep of self-respect & confidence, I've been able to keep mine under control and I'm proud of that. Just recently a woman liked me in this way and I kind of realized "Man, I know what that is like." Your heart's in a prison of your own making, but you gotta see somehow that you got have the keys.

[@HannahRoot55]

Herr

[@charlottetaylor4471]

In my experience, so many men think that if a woman merely talks to them, that she wants sex/a relationship. I have no idea where they get this belief from (pick-up artists?). It's a really emotionally immature perspective. You can have a very platonic chat, and this is "leading them on." I've had a few men ask me out after a few platonic chats (one through work), and when I said no, they actually said "but...we talked." So are they really saying that men and women are not allowed to talk to each other unless it ends in sex?? What a depressing and regressive perspective.

[@Dreykopff]

I don't think it comes from pick-up artists. I've been there too before. Not many people were talking to me throughout my life, and for females among them, they commonly became my best friends and I developed feelings multiple times. It wasn't until last year that I learned what was up with that -- it comes from a place of starvation. This society is great at telling everyone that they deserve the world or they should have a partner or other things by X age or whatever, but whenever that is threatened, it will do things to people. Can't prevent it, can just be honest about it. To get back to you, if you do really like him as a friend, be honest with everything and maybe try to help him a little on the quest to finding someone else. Something that is really hard to understand from rejection (especially when knowing only rejection) is that it's usually not about the one who gets rejected, but more about the one who does the rejecting.

[@charlottetaylor4471]

@@Dreykopff but I would say that men are far worse at this than women, so it can't really be about "starvation". Just as many women have been starved of attention, love, and affection as men, but it's rare for a woman to instantly think that simply talking to a man means "relationship!" - however, men often think this. Therefore it's primarily an issue relating to men.

[@ConsultColin-fv6rc]

It doesn't come to pickup artists most women are usually only nice to men they're interested in it's like simp men are nice hoping to get laid. Unless it's a woman I can't avoid seeing regularly through a job or neighbourhood acquaintance I assume sexual interest to some degree nowadays

[@firstnamelastname9485]

Men's expectations are often so ridiculous these days. I had a few short conversations with a guy via text and he then asked if he can come join me when I shower. Sure complete stranger who I've never even met come on over and get naked with me! WTF?! I about fell over. Where does this come from? Are there really women out there that give in to this crap?!

[@ArisEmriis]

I am in my 50s. I believe a lot of this problem comes from men who never had a mother who talked with them about women, for starters. Then there's all the availability of instant gratification that didn't exist before the Internet. Yes I'm talking about free porn. I've talked to men who have said things just in conversation that sounded like something from porn. I'm not going to repeat it. Yes I've watched enough of it in the past to know plenty and to understand the philosophy in most of it. There's definitely been a crazy uptick in men thinking you are down for sex just because you had a conversation. I can totally identify with the text where the guy asks to join you in the shower. It's insulting. I'm not sure when it happened but somewhere in recent history parents just decided to not educate their kids about how the world works and apparently left it up to the public schools. Thanks a lot folks. My advice is just be straight up and tell them right away, "I'm not asking you out/calling you/visiting/etc for sex. I'm interested in getting to know you/friendship first/ speak the truth and if it doesn't work then they're not worth your time. Move on and make room for someone better. Wonderful video!!!

[@laurenjackson2810]

I had horrible limerence with my ex. I used to say he was like my Kryptonite. I instantly became weak & like mush around him. Like the CCF said, the people that have limerence deep down KNOWS that the person doesn’t feel close to the same way, but the hope they give you is a huge drug hit that keeps you coming back for more. People who experience limerence are often trauma victims. I felt like the ounce of “love” my ex would give me was better than him taking the drug (himself) away completely. I eventually learned that he had alarming narcissistic traits. He would love bomb me, use me for sex, discard me, & ghost me on repeat. That intermittent reinforcement is enough to keep someone on their toes & heavily addicted. I pray for those that experience limerence because it’s not a fun predicament to be in.

[@sweaters_and_harmony9525]

It is a tough experience for sure. But it is possible to overcome! In the same way people get clean/sober everyday, limerants, too, can learn to be in relationships that are balanced and healthy. It can be BORING as heck at first, but it is worth the effort!

[@ethanmiller5487]

Ladies, if a guy starts interacting with you in a "I wanna date" way, you say no, and he keeps doing it, end all forms of contact immediately. He didn't listen to the first no, he isn't going to listen to any other things you say. This is the guy showing you how much he respects your word. The playing hard to get thing will backfire on you with good people who actually listen and care. Men don't react to rejection the same way women do. You don't have to worry about really hurting anyone if you are speaking the actual truth. The truth sets us free. Reject him softly first, sure, but if he doesn't get it, you have to make him. Men will keep trying, its something I've been told women like, just not in this way. Also don't explain yourself, you don't like him that's all that should matter. Giving your reasons can either help that dude for another woman maybe or make things worse for yourself, choose wisely.

[@tequilachanel7312]

Facts 💯

[@giulias.5104]

100% true! That is my experience as well. Lately, I started dating a guy a few times, and eventually realize he was too immature for me and told him I wanted to stop seeing him. I tried to be very gentle because he is quite vulnerable right now, coming from a disfunctional family and still needing to learn and work through many things etc, but that didn't helped. He didn't took the news well at all. He had a crazy and very manipulative reaction, that went from simulating a panic attack, being verbally aggressive toward me through many toxic emails, only to apologize shortly after and tell me he was sorry, that he understood, and trying to show me how he is now different, etc. All that for 4 times we went out, and without a real relationship being established yet! (We shared one dreadful kiss and nothing else). So careful, people who are still toxic will show it to you when things don't go as they wish.

[@marcusappelberg369]

Yup, this is true.

[@joan.nao1246]

Thank you for sharing this!

[@xLiLlyx98]

​@@giulias.5104 also what an excellent example of validating your opinion of him (that he was very immature), essentially shooting himself in the foot 😅

[@Lilghostpepper]

I was limerent for someone once and I have also been a limerent object. To be the person yearning is so painful, the end of it was indescribable for me and I look back with so much embarrassment but I think it’s important that this is spoken about because it’s dangerous for everyone involved

[@jonqualey2204]

I'm glad I found this video. I am a 59 year old man who is the limerent object of a 29 year old woman. We have been friends for years and I only became aware of this limerence last month. I had the "it will never work - 30 year age gap" discussion (gently) to no evail. The fact that I am currently single complicates this. As painful as it is, breaking off the friendship is the only option. Thank you.

[@neoalley]

Oh man, I was/am limerent for a man 27 years older. 😅 Children, morals, religion, politics, age... you name it, I know we are soooo incompatible. And like the video, the HOPE of being loved. I really feel like he truly sees me and if only he loved me.... I am working on it by trying to take thoughts of him and put them aside. Train my brain to think of other things, focus in the people actively showing up in my life-- to view memories as in the past only and shine a harsh light of reality. I had contacted him regularly, then too much, but I was the one to break it off. I didn't like feeling pathetic or that my love was something to be ashamed of. He enjoyed the attention, but only to a point. A big perspective this time around is that I cannot earn his love. There is no gift, no text message, no conversation, etc that will be the one to finally convince him to love me. I have been trying to earn love my whole life. I can't anymore.

[@SaturnCrashing]

You basically avoid a person if you become the limerent object. This has happened to me a few times me being the limerant and those friendships were not only false but they were extremely insecure, harsh people. If you don’t love yourself first, you can seriously turn into kinda of a piece of 💩

[@jackdeniston6150]

Beware the accusations and anger. record

[@pritchy007]

Using the age gap as a reason doesn’t work, as clearly she already knew your age and it probably doesn’t bother her ( could even be attractive 😅). What is more likely to work is saying that you are not interested, and you just see her as a friend.

[@larakr9]

Every person I've ever gone out on a date with has become instantly limerent with me-the trouble is I've never liked any of those people back and their intensity pushes me away even more. It's shocking how much a person who is limerent on someone BELIEVES that their feelings are equally reciprocated when in reality, that often couldn't be farther from the truth. We see what we want to see and judgement is clouded by fantasy. I never take it past the first date if I'm not interested, so as not to add fuel to the fire, but by then they are hooked. It's come to the point where I turn down every guy if there's no immediate liking on my part because all it ends with is a mess of feelings and obsession withdrawal for them. Hearing "I love you' and 'we are soulmates' is nauseating to me. It's never been said by the right person. They promise to wait for me for all eternity while I run for the hills. I'm not sure how to find and date someone I want without this melodrama.

[@giulias.5104]

Nothing like recognizing limerence in others done on you to understand the dynamic and how it is toxic! Thank you CCFairy.

[@ctygralight2262]

This one was very relatable, thank you to the woman who shared the story! Also just recently had to end a 10 year friendship for this exact reason. “Suffocating” is the perfect word for the constant texts, (I had even been straight forward and told him that I despise responding to those texts, and his response was “well, we all have to do things we don’t like.”). I didn’t realize it had been 10 years. After he mentioned how long we had known each other, I knew I had to end the friendship. Tried to be as kind as possible with the final “break-up”, but he lashed out and called me “mean and nasty when emotional”, (ironically, I wasn’t emotional about it, it felt like a very reasonable decision, he was the one showing frustration each time I set a boundary. Major lack of self awareness!). Thank you for the video, this gave me some insight about why he may have lashed out (addiction hard to give up, maybe?). As for the woman in the story, hope she’s able to break free, it does feel like a weight lifted! Hope can be cruel, and there’s no reason to risk a healthy relationship for a friendship where you’re constantly having to fight for your boundaries.

[@tanvisharma6903]

I feel you- The fact that limerance often happens when there is no love, we can FEEL that they don't really like us- but they say the opposite. It gets so confusing. They just don't seem to realise that it is not love that they feel. Anyone in their right mind would try to run away. It also leads the person of limerance (whom it is projected upon) to feel unloved because of the irony in their words and actions. As if we're trying to grab a squirrel where it hurts and telling it "I'm just gonna give you some nuts and water at my house, I love you. See!" When we really plan to trap them in with food and water.

[@flofeee]

I was the object of limerence for well over 6 years, he still tries to crawl back into my life sometimes. And in recent times I also found myself being the limerent one for someone else, it is such a soul sucking experience.

[@JJ-vp3bd]

Are you single

[@justanothercomment]

My ex had limerence with me for sure. Funny how someone can be so infatuated, and yet also so abusive. Though to be honest, it always felt like he loved the idea of me, and what I could do for him, and not who I really was.

[@jacquelynvizcarra2080]

"The hit for a person with limerance is hope." Exactly

[@eyaalem7990]

I Used to be a limerence and I love limerence people. Traumas, lack of purpose, a lot of rejection, neglected by their parents. They are in pain. As a human being be very gentle with them. Challenge them to see themselves. One solution is honesty and open discussion. My wife did that and she admired me. Always be kind.

[@elvan5922]

Yes always be kind .I have been there and last time when it happened I was adult and it hurt me soo much .Never tell them they don't like you .Or he she is not interested not in to you so on.

[@janeyrevanescence12]

You can be kind to someone but also put boundaries in place. Indeed, boundaries are a good sign that communication is strong and you know what the other is okay with and what they’re not okay with. In other words: be kind but don’t be nice either.

[@msg3tr1ght]

I was limerent over an ex for a long time because our relationship never got to meeting in person. I told them how I felt one last time and they avoided the conversation (a larger conversation about our past.) I haven’t contacted them since and it hasn’t been easy but I’d never go as far as to pine for someone who was engaged. I mostly just told them how I felt to get it off my chest, I wanted to rid myself of the feelings and limerence. It hasn’t been easy but I’m doing the best I can.

[@mermaidx9386]

Any tips? ❤

[@adcap631]

Very true and difficult (for me) to hear. I've been limerent for a friend for.....25 years! She's part of it because she's also from a horrible background, and enjoys giving men 'hope' even though she's in an emotionally starved married (her choice). We're now ok friends, but I strongly suspect myself of covering up my real feelings. Still, that's nothing compared to my original limerence, my mother. Occasionally compassionate, then totally disinterested and even furious that she had been 'kind' to me, incapable of love. I wonder where it all started...ugh.

[@helenhighwater5313]

My god, it's just better to be a hermit.

[@dixienormous6969]

Honestly, it may feel that right now but in the long run, I don't think being a hermit will be very beneficial for your growth as a human being who deserves to live a beautifully fruitful life 🗿

[@erinsebestyen8152]

😂😂😂 it feels that way! But I need human connection and I feel that a huge problem with society

[@RealMexFoodShouldntGiveUDrrhea]

This is me but it also hurts because I hear how normal people converse and for me it’s such a drag to have small talk or even make friends now. I’ve become used to being alone now

[@Hubcool367]

​@@dixienormous6969I'm not 100% sure, but I think it's kind of a joke about how liking anyone / wanting to be liked is now "limerence" and "needy" and "dependent" or whatever. It's "trauma-bonding". There's kind of a trend where we're all supposed to be hyper-individualists, all supposed to be totally self-sufficient islands who don't need others. We can kind of want others in our lives, but not too much, we can't "need" others as if we were a social species. So yeah, it's sarcasm, if there are supposedly a million "wrong" reasons to want to be with others, we might as well just all become hermits, since it seems it's the only way to not be judged and shamed.

[@notreallyafamousartist695]

@@Hubcool367bro THANK YOU, it seems as though people don’t like relationships or close bonds because of whatever reason whether that be fear, media, influence from society etc I don’t understand how or why these people would get into relationships because basically all the tenants that allow you to be close are considered wrong or toxic? Then people wonder why the majority of society is lonely and single. I don’t think there IS a way to have a healthy relationship in 2024 from these people’s perspectives

[@coneighscauldron]

I’m so glad I broke free from limerence. I got so caught up in the SP manifesting community and the twin flame community that I thought it was NORMAL, which is so so sad. Instead, I moved to a city outside of my hometown and I isolated for 15 months. It was actually the best thing I’d ever done for myself. Now, I’m no longer addicted to alcohol, food and limerence, and I’m back in the same city without any desire to revisit old trigger spots, or old relationship. I can even drive by old spots and instead of desire, I just have dread around going back there, followed by gratitude that I’m free 😊.

[@HannahRoot55]

Hi beautiful

[@creepypisces83]

I literally had to do this to a friend 2 weeks ago. We'd only been friend's for a year but I knew he felt romantic feelings for me and I did not reciprocate. I pulled back several times but he kept trying to cross that boundary with me, bringing me gifts and texting all the time. I did have to completely cut him off after he sent a birthday present to my house, it was too much and made me feel icky. As soon as I did, kindly, break off the friendship it left me open to a wonderful man who has become very special. I felt in such a free and unaccombered space that I could be open to a beautiful connection ❤

[@gregoryfriston7091]

His actions were preventing you from discovering the other person, then?

[@marcusappelberg369]

Yeah, Limerence is terrible for both people, often. The only time I have 0 sympathy for Lo is if the Lo is a narcissist or some other unsavory person that strings the Limerent along for ego boosts and other benefits.

[@FriendMariaAdrianna]

@@marcusappelberg369 ❤️👌

[@venM9]

Out of curiousity, is the new friend known to the other guy? Do they know each other.?

[@Autumn-jz8bw]

Wow, thank you for the part where you said that in order to become emotionally available you need to remove the connections where one of you is very attracted or in love. It's not the subject of the video, but it really helps to think of it as I was already wondering what needs to be done to become more emotionally available.

[@evahess8402]

Thank you for this video 🤗. I have just got over a limerence towards a guy in my life. I was obsessed with him for nearly one year and everything you say fits to what I experienced. Finally it's over. And you know what? Now that I am finally free, he suddenly reached out to me. Not in a romantic way, but just to brag about something he achieved. Seems he fits exactly the description you gave at the end of the video. He is such a person, who feeds on the attention he gets from others. He was obviously quite happy to let me stay in this limerence state.

[@NotYurAverageJoe]

As someone in a loving relationship now who was in and out of limerence for years I can tell you, you aren’t doomed. You can find real love, but you have to take time to work on yourself first and stop looking so desperately for someone to “complete you”. When I met someone who I clicked with again it scared me because I DIDN’T want it to be a limerence again. I didn’t want to be a bad friend. I questioned every “signal”. I felt wrong for having feelings at all… but instead of holding it in I decided to try to be as upfront as possible. Luckily, things worked out, and it makes me realize how cheap the fantasy was. You deserve to have someone who loves you back, but that means letting go of the idea that real love can be one sided, or that this person is “special” and so you have to hold on cuz you’ll never find anyone else like them. That’s BS. You have to be okay with letting them go, for both of your sakes. Better than losing them the hard painful way.

[@user-vn9sh6hv8r]

Such a great response. I realise i have been a 'serial limerent object' and limerent for serial limerent objects as well in my past! I was very anxious-avoidant and attracted to avoidant types whilst attracting anxious types (who probably have a bit of avoidant in them too if they go for me). Now i'm just 'nothing' - time moves on and we change and our priorities shift. Our attraction *and* attractiveness also shifts (by which i mean evaporates...🙄). I'm mostly disinterested in relationships of any sort now and trying to 'sort my life out' instead, materially, financially etc. It does seem like a better use of my time, tho not always as exciting...

[@kitkat615]

I feeeeeeeeeeeel you on this!!! Literally has been my life for the past year, I'm kind of confused on how it will end and how to move on.

[@user-vn9sh6hv8r]

@@kitkat615 well, i don't know how old you are, but for me it started with peri-menopause and the shifting hormones of that transition (began early-mid 40s for me, but can differ for everyone). Worth looking into if you are of that age (and female) - or perhaps it's a transitional stage for some other reason. Doing a lot of 'self-work' can also spark this need for change, which i guess you're doing too if you're on this channel 😊

[@ascendednightingale2456]

I’m someone who experiences limerence frequently. It really sucks. It’s unwanted and uncontrollable and I hate it SO much.

[@lookouthill11]

Your videos are so valuable, I love the clarity your perspective offers. From my experience yes, being the object of limerence is not the dream many movies make it seem. Throughout high school I was the object of obsession by a guy who would stalk me and manipulate people into arranging hangouts together. It was clear I was an object of desire and my opinion on the matter was never asked or wanted. It was so unnerving to be told how lucky I was to have someone so in love with me but be treated as a thing.

[@SweetandSassyRedhead]

Wow. Thank you. I just realized I have done this as well as had it done to me. Definitely a result of emotional neglect growing up.

[@VintageQuirky-ql4hc]

I experienced an odd case. I met him at a national meeting, we didn't live in the same city. He was very quick to develope an attachment and wanted to be whereever I was. I started getting uncomfortable. The convention was over in a day or two. But he wrote the kind of letters that indicated he was falling in love with the person he thought I was and over time that person was less and less like me. I tried at first to point out the little time we knew each other and correct his misconceptions but gave up and stopped writing. The next national meeting came. We met and I watched his "love" deflate like a balloon with a slow leak as he realized I was not his fantasy. It might have hurt my feelings to be judged and found wanting but I was just relieved to not be the object of his attention anymore.

[@christinepeters1526]

It's just so sad when the other person does not feel the same. I just try to keep things in perspective and respectful. It's not easy.

[@dulceyprocaz]

There's a type of limerence focused on someone you havent met yet, you dont know if such person really exists, but Your mind goes there over and over, and you feel that such person will not reciprocate Your feelings when the real encounter takes place. I have cried oceans on this imaginary person... it is great to have pretty much overcomed it, but if he now appears... It will be really akward, and tears will rise again.

[@dulceyprocaz]

@RS-nf8rw not just that, My dear: the Soul knows When the real one is approaching, and once that happened, then the imagination entered into play, and managed to spoil it all by anticipating such a terrific scenario 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@coach_amy]

Your advice is on-point. I like how you also suggested she comb through all her other male friends to access the situations. Can you please do a whole video on this sage advice about the importance of our emotional availability in a relationship, all the way down to our nervous systems: "It is better for your marriage not to have entanglements with anybody who has feelings for you. That just *robs your emotional availability in ways that you can't necessarily see but that can be felt, that nervous systems recognizes.* "That's one of the biggest things that people can do to clear up their emotional availability and make their light shine bright...to be to be truly an available person: to end entanglements where one of you has attraction or desire to rekindle." 7:09

[@CrueFan72]

Yes! I'd like for her to do a whole video on this subject. I don't support my partner to be friends w/exes.

[@charlottetaylor4471]

This is part of the reason people with Complex-PTSD struggle with relationships - a lot are still entangled with their abusive parents, being servants to them, or feeling incredibly guilty for trying to be happy in life - definitely not "available".

[@coach_amy]

@@charlottetaylor4471Good point. As a scapegoat (CPTSD for sure), my job has been to be invisible yet overly-responsible, hyper-aware, and hyper-vigilant. Which I see actually made me not fully available (even though it seems contradictory because I was almost always around and paying attention). To be an adult scapegoat, it means I have had an inner parent who took over my abusive parents' job. I like that you linked that to emotional nonavailability. Helpful!

[@coach_amy]

@@CrueFan72 I agree. Further, with people who don't have appropriate boundaries. For example, my ex's boss didn't have boundaries with my ex. My ex didn't seem to understand to have extra boundaries with someone like that (or more likely, didn't want to understand--which is one of the reasons this person is my ex).

[@cynthiarouse]

This lady is very compassionate and understanding. I know from my own life that once I stopped competing with other women over men I became so much happier and healthier. I focused more on raising a family and my own work and now, in my 60’s I feel great. One has to let go of people who are either bad people or bad for them; even family, even partners and even people one loves or loved. People love differently and from my own life and experience I learned the painful lesson that most people are involved with transactional relationships not ‘truly, madly, deeply love’ but rather ‘what’s in it for me’ and these narcissistic types use people until somebody with more money or better connections comes along. They only see you as a means to an end. It’s sad but also like she said it is an opportunity for you to find someone with a true heart for love and not just using partner after partner for their own gain… this lady is very thoughtful

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Anna lists resources, including books she finds helpful on her webpage. You can find them here: crappychildhoodfairy.com/resources/ -Frida@TeamFairy

[@Erinloveable]

I once asked myself; "If he DOES suddenly want to be around all the time, is that what I want?".. I was like 'NO! '. In fact, some of the guys I was limerent for I'd die of embarrassment if they tried to talk to me face to face. It's part of my avoidance of real intimacy and a destraction from C-PTSD.

[@JJ-vp3bd]

How do you date and set boundaries

[@Cryin_Lion]

One thing that I wish would've been mentioned is that this behavior ( of the limerant ) is also that of abusers, especially malignant narcissists, and that cutting ties with them can be dangerous.

[@PrincessNinja007]

The first limerant I broke contact with went on to sexually harass every girl in school and then skipped town to avoid rape charges. 0

[@GypsyInThirteen]

sooo for very valid reasons due to where I am in my own recovery today, I am not gonna listen to this entire thing (though I've pretty much gone through your entire archive) only BECAUSE I am in the shame part of NC, ending my 1-year long limerent episode on an LO who actually reveled in the attention but of course, only reciprocated intermittently creating that "trauma bond" though that term really should be used another way imho~ anyway, this title alone validates my core belief about a limerent dynamic, which is that while the Limerent Individual (LI) is the one dealing with the whirlwind of feelings due to the compulsive obsession, that it actually only would enable a toxic person/ aka "dodgy LO", to keep feeding off of them and both parties wind up functioning at their lowest frequency, in their shadow, and well, the end must come sooner than later. truth be told, I've eventually wound up becoming good friends with almost all of my major limerent objects-ONLY after at least 7 months or a year in between not seeing or interacting with them at all. Also, mostly b/c that is all I realize I ever wanted in the first place, was a true friend and family, and once the lust and deluded fascination and longing wear off, your nervous system is recalibrated. sigh. anyway, I appreciate this title and all your work from the very bottom of my heart. may we all be free of suffering, and integrate into our highest, best selves. all this pain aint for nothin'!

[@cynthia718]

I first had limerence towards someone when I was 11. Thankfully it ended when I was 14 because I couldn't see the other party anymore. I struggled with relationships for many years. I'm almost 30 now and I've found real love. Limerence was all my child self could find. I feel for my child self. It was really like a drug addiction and the closest thing to real love I could find. I'm just grateful I fought my whole life to be able to find real love and not get stuck in that pattern.

[@k.h.6991]

Great to have a word for this. I think in my case I was so used to not being seen or loved, that there was no reference for how it should feel when someone actually likes you. I'm starting to get a feel for how it might be to mutually fall in love, but it's still pretty unreal. I guess in part because it never happened. We'll see if it ever does. 😢

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. If you're interested try Anna's course called "Dating and Relationships for People with Childhood PTSD": bit.ly/3IBbrv7 Nika@TeamFairy

[@tomlotti240]

Had this happen before the pandemic. While I'd shy away from referring to myself as a "limerent object", there's always a vibe for sure. And it's weird and icky. You can tell when people start projecting (in Jungian terms animus projections). What was funny was that the place I frequented on the weekends closed during the pandemic, and then I started "coincidentally" seeing this person at places I'd never see them before: a grocery store I went to, the park I jogged at, etc. It's kind of sad, because to me, it just seems that people are looking for something when this happens, and they don't realize that what they're searching for is within. For me, a person that enjoys being single, the point of life is an individuation that brings together both aspects of the masculine and feminine that our mind holds.

[@HannahRoot55]

Lotti

[@hohurnham7583]

I was a limerant object for a total stranger and it felt so gross. All they knew about me was my appearance when they decided I was the one, which felt very much like objectification.

[@APerson-tq1zg]

Ive experienced this most of my life- I once had a co worker when I was 20 - after just meeting me, writing me love letters, trying to convince me to marry him because I was nice to him and then he got creepy when I expressed that's not at all how I felt. Then he avoided me like the plague, which was probably for the best. But some people are really starved for affection. I'm not friendly with men anymore because I'm done being the emotional dumping grounds for men who won't do the work to figure out why they act that way. It's creepy.

[@Isthisjoebiden]

So true. Men in general are lazy and they do not like to do internal work. They'd rather you do all the work conforming to their ridiculousness

[@JenniferOakes]

Wow, this video was so necessary, it's something I don't see anyone discussing

[@onplanetbanana]

I also experienced chronic limerance until i got a name for it through this and one other channel in my 30s!! I also know the feeling of guilt you can have when a "good guy" likes you & you blame yourself for not being able to like him back. I had/have a substance-abusing mom & a physically abusive dad. Thanks for the limerance guys! Lol but seriously i am so grateful for this channel & this community.

[@Sisterlisk]

Sounds like a male friend who is refusing to be in the friend zone. He thinks he has a chance simply because you are in contact. I think it's time your fiancé has a word with this guy.

[@xochitlespino]

unfortunately, when I sense specifically men liking me and me not reciprocating, I cut it completely off. it's a little extreme but I guess it feels safe for me.

[@vedJ3760]

I think it will be safe for both people

[@xochitlespino]

@@vedJ3760 what do you mean?

[@vedJ3760]

@@xochitlespino when you cut it off completely , the other person will also be able to know how you feel about him and will also help him in return to go look for someone else who is actually interested in him..not false hope...

[@PrincessNinja007]

​@@vedJ3760 not always, I've been ignoring a guy for over 2 years and since I can't block his number I'm still getting daily texts about how they've never felt this way about anyone before

[@alexisb.8965]

I think most people have been on both sides of this one. It's rough!

[@VMorgenthaler-yp6yz]

Infatuation is driven and maintained by dopamine and oxytocin. When the flow of those feel-good chemicals slows, then stops, the infatuated person will disappear in a flash. Because they must find a new source for those chemicals.

[@chiaravischi]

Can you explain better??? thanks

[@PrincessNinja007]

I was limerent on this guy in college (the sad bit is my limerent object was my fiance) and once we were no-contact it actually became super clear that the limerence was fueled by him breadcrumbing me so he'd always have a rebound option if whatever girl didn't work out

[@PrincessNinja007]

Every time I was going to leave him, he'd ask me out again. Then the very moment I felt secure in our relationship he'd find someone else

[@cynthiarouse]

‘For once I loved thee, but alas, no more so please, my love never darken my door….’ ❤

[@kasiasaz9317]

I've met a guy who was feeding my limerence, he promised the future together, but was changing behavior all the time, hot cold. If someone doesn't feed the limerence it doesn't last. If you meet a manipulative person it increases

[@tylermurrain144]

I've been on both sides of the coin of limerence. I've had someone be limerent on me, ALWAYS wanting to talk, ALWAYS wanting to hang out and it made me super uncomfortable, so I ended up having to cut contact with this person. I still battle with guilt over blocking this person out of my life, but I had a bad feeling about them and I tried to set boundaries with them (which they didn't respect).

[@Recordings-ov4hv]

Absolutely! I have often had 'limerant objects' and they make me run away. I find the attitude pathetic but especially scary. Although they may be great people I would never give them a chance.

[@Muysc_quyne]

I remember a dear friend once told me: "I don't find you attractive..." during a college trip. I had behaved interested in him and he picked it and decided to reject me. Although he did it in front of other people, I don't feel any resentment about it and I actually thank life for his wisdom. I replied to him "oh, ok..." and that was the end of the talk and my romantic interest. Then we just kept being friends and loving each other.

[@donpeace894]

Sounds like a real doush bag

[@coffeepandacat]

That is mean, I wouldn't be friends with someone like that

[@Muysc_quyne]

@@coffeepandacat I understand... I remember I felt embarrassed at the moment... I did think he didn't need to do it in front of others. I still don't find it painful and really I didn't get hurt. Just embarrassed for a few minutes. If he did wrong, I didn't care then and now. I guess for me it's more important how I felt and the fact that I don't feel the need to heal anything about it... I am happy that I don't have any bad feelings about that experience and remembering this experience makes me feel that I am resilient and that I am not a resentful person. I wish I could feel this painless way about my most recent rejection...

[@venM9]

You dodged a bullet. He has bad tendencies if he did that to you. Some things are done discreetly.

[@sunnypie2]

I understand you saying it was helpful to you. He didn’t lead you on. Is he gay? Just wondering

[@theparisend]

"Serial Limerent Object" ... I think I need to write you a real letter soon. Thanks for this one. You're always extending this path forwards, Anna, and I love that. I've got more useful therapy just from watching your videos than seems possible, but you're communicating with me. Hi to the others! You. You reading this comment. Yeah :) *waves*

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for watching! If you'd like to share your story and ask Anna a question, feel free to write an "Ask the Fairy" letter. You can do it from here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters Nika@TeamFairy

[@Jeb9221]

I had to end a 5-yr friendship for the same reason. It was really sad because I genuinely wanted him in my life as a friend, but, only as a friend. But, I wanted him to move on with life, socialise with his male friends and find another woman. I've experienced limerence before and I knew that a complete cut off would be most effective. So, I cut him off... blocked him on all platforms. He tried contacting me using another phone number, and, I blocked him again. I know I was cruel because I never gave any warning. But, I wasn't sure how else to deal with it at that time. That was four years ago, before I found this channel.

[@walter274]

These situations are always hard. Don't beat yourself up for not knowing what to do, but if you find yourself in a similar situation in the future, talk to him first before you break contact.

[@koelkastridder3388]

Same hun. And it has also made me feel bad for them, but sometimes it is for the best

[@Bunny11344]

Mine still manages to get a hold of me..and still messages me but we were just friends. He’s so so toxic though and I already told him I wanted to end the friendship and he still doesn’t get it. He’s still passive aggressive asf when I don’t reply, he starts saying my family and bf are my only priority and that I’m not prioritizing our friendship .. like duh ..

[@rmcq1999]

I flushed over a decade of my life and did so much lasting damage by not being "cruel". Actually ended up being far more cruel over time by not making a clean break and letting us both get on with our lives. That situation was with a close friend who I had known since childhood, so it was difficult to make that break. There were other complexities that I won't go into, but in the end it was just a long and painful episode in both of our lives that would have been best averted by a clean break and zero contact.

[@ghostguch1007]

That was the best thing for him and you. Hopefully he was able to realize that eventually

[@MBAinternetmktg]

She knows that he is infatuated with her, and she responds to the attention by texting him back every time he contacts her. Good advice that she end it.

[@will89687]

I'm a limerent for someone and I went NC not so much to save myself but to spare my LO my limerent behavior. Haven't heard from her since. I'm still shattered because I know if I hadn't become limerent we would still be in healthy contact (I'm still in contact with her colleagues but didn't become limerent towards them.)

[@HannahRoot55]

Hmm 🤨

[@siamesefightingfish2861]

You made me realize I am a limerant object to someone in my life, so thanks for that.

[@katrijndepuydt1355]

Seriously, I think it is wise advice but sometimes all these labels for people with childhood ptsd are not necessary, even if you experienced it, it still was a human emotion you felt and afterwards you can analyze your situation that maybe was not healthy. I do not like these kinda labels and judgements especially if people have been traumatized. We are all human. Some compassion and empathy.

[@aronhighgrove4100]

Agreed, the labels add to the trauma, and make it easy for others to create new scapegoats, which just repeats the cycle. We need to learn to be compassionate, when creating boundaries. Hard to achieve both, but labels are the easy way out.

[@RachelDavid-e9y]

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel cutting off contact will lead to retribution from the limerent object? This has happened to me and the consequences were very unsafe for me for a long time

[@Katherine-em4fl]

what do you mean, what happened?

[@zxorizonn_3111]

what happened

[@PrincessNinja007]

​@@Katherine-em4flI can't speak for OPs specific experience but I've been the limerence object for a guy who I'd been told by him, his friends, my friends, and my therapist that he was unstable, could become violent, and that as long as I was one of his favorite people he'd spare me

[@Katherine-em4fl]

@@PrincessNinja007 wow this sounds really scary...

[@vaiapatta8313]

If the one in love can accept the fact that they will never be more than a friend, the friendship can still go on. But otherwise, all you can do is end it :(

[@AmyThePuddytat]

It's interesting that you say to him to cut off contact. That's the opposite of what everyone tells me, although I agree. I'm head-over-heels in love with my straight best friend. I told her a year ago, and she was clearly stunned, saying she felt flattered and hoped we could still be friends. Months later, I admitted that I sometimes cried when the thought hit me that I would never kiss her. She was surprised by that too, saying “I didn't know you thought of me like that.” I guess she'd convinced herself that my previous declaration of love was entirely asexual. (It is indeed mostly platonic & romantic, not really about sex, although she is extremely beautiful & alluring in my humble opinion, and any guy should count himself very lucky to touch her.) This contradicts your idea that the beloved person (or “object of limerence”) can easily tell. I think this can be explained by the fact that I'm a woman. This affects both sides. For her part, she isn't as guarded around me as she would automatically be with a man. For my part, I just know how to treat women and I'm just more subtle and less creepy/sexual than a straight man would typically be. She was keen to continue hanging out with me a couple of times a week, typically on my bed watching Netflix or chatting about shared interests such as men (haha), psychology, art, etc. Whenever I tell anyone about my obsessive love for her, they either tell me to make a move on her (this is usually from horny dudes who are titillated by the idea of me being with a woman), or they tell me to _stop_ trying to seduce her, which is incredibly annoying because it means that they just weren't listening. I would never gross her out by suggesting such a thing, or touching her, or putting her in the awkward position of having to reject me. I even stop her drinking too much alcohol around me because I'd never forgive myself if she did something with me on a drunken whim. That wouldn't be proper consent. I simply wish I could spend all my time with her, living together as we used to, and hopefully maybe holding hands or hugging more, as long as she feels fully comfortable with that. I recently broke off contact with her because I will always be hurt by the fact that she doesn't love me. She appreciates me more than anyone else in the world does, but still the asymmetry in our feelings is too great. I get upset when she takes days to reply to messages, or disagrees on important topics, etc. In other words, I find my expectations becoming those I would have of a life partner. Since I find myself unable to think of her as just another person I hang out with sometimes, and instead keep feeling like I'm in a one-sided, parasocial relationship as if with some beautiful celebrity, I've decided it's best not to torture myself by renewing my limerence with constant contact, nor to let her witness me being occasionally sad or touchy. I never want her to feel she is hurting me (which she is, unwittingly) or under any pressure to please me. When I feel neglected by her, it's purely my problem and fault for being a lovefool, not hers. She has been a good pal. She hasn't always helped me when I was in need, but she shouldn't have to. I'm just someone who's fun to talk to, not someone she has made a commitment to. So, I think this is for the best. If I later expand my network of friends and get into a romantic relationship with a man or woman, then I'll feel less lonely and may be able to re-establish contact with her some day without being overwhelmed by this limerence.

[@xoxnataiie]

I used to fall deep into limerence over and over again. Weirdly enough, it wasn’t until I hung out with someone platonically where i found actual love. I’m in a healthy relationship right now and have the resources to work through my mental health issues to prevent falling into that toxic cycle again. Stay strong everyone suffering with this awful disorder

[@IchiExorz]

I feel like i easily drift into limerence. Im trying hard to hold it back since i realized what's happening. For years i've had people come & just leave after a while probably because i was being overbearaing. I don't htink i became this way because of parents but mostly due to a toxic 8-10 year relationship/friendship that kept me hooked on hope just to be ditched or be treated badly for the smallest "mistakes" over and over again. Now every time i fear a person will ditch meand i become obsessed with trying to do everything correctly and always be there talking & trying t help because for some reason my brain thinks that's gnna increase my chances of them staying. It's so hard to stop overthinking as well. But i'm trying to keep my life straight and try to hold back as much as i can now there's someone i genuinely like. I just want to feel normal about this.

[@vikkivelvetfur1743]

Oh gosh, thank you for this video - I'm seeing my ex friend in this story! I'd never heard of limerence before this, but this is exactly like a male friend I used to be really close to, we were never any more than friends but he never left me alone, constant messages/calls/social media contact... I felt suffocated eventually, and when I moved to a different city I sent him an email explaining how he was making me feel and that our friendship was over, then I blocked him everywhere. This is what I recommend you to do if you're in this situation - yes it's harsh but it's like she says in this video, it's the best thing to do for all involved. Good luck, you can do it 👍🏻

[@HannahRoot55]

Vikki

[@The.Foolosopher]

Hi, I went through something similar, except I was the limerent guy. It really is an addiction. When Lent came around I started thinking about what was unhealthy in my life and I realized it was my relationship with the girl I'd been chasing for the last five months. I'd been friends with her for fifteen years but five months ago, it was like a switch flipped in my brain and suddenly she was all I could think about. The girl didn't feel the same. After five months of pursuing her, we had a real conversation about how we both felt, I told the girl I was going to let go of these feelings and we both decided not to talk anymore. It's been three to four weeks now and I'm already feeling so much better. I miss my friend (we used to go to church together and now church is very lonely), and I feel bad about how much anxiety my limerence caused her, but I feel like I can think clearly for the first time in months. It may hurt to cut off ties, but it's definitely the most caring thing you can do. Also I really believe limerence is a result of a traumatic childhood. I was severely emotionally neglected as a kid and I have been getting therapy and trying to treat my limerence as any other form of addiction. Ultimately, it's up to him to deal with his feelings, not you. Good luck!

[@jellyjams7217]

Someone who is married in the workplace I know is limerent on me, however I am also limerent on them. We both hold our distance most of the time but it’s obvious we are both obsessed with each other. We do spend time to get to know each other and it feels amazing when we do, but then I have to cut it off because feeling good about the relationship will only make me more limerent and I hate the guilt that goes along with knowing this person has a family already

[@miahconnell23]

This is a new word for me. Is it limerence if both people like one-another ?

[@IllusiveSR2]

Are they happy? Are you? What is the relationship dynamic? Do you really want to get to know the person or do you just want a shot at playing out the fantasy you've been having? I'm honestly curious because I'm in a very similar situation and trying to make sense of it. I keep asking myself "is it limerence, or am I just dreaming/fantasizing about someone I've developed romantic feelings for" because it isn't an obsessive thing and I genuinely want to get to know them and spend time with them but there are a number of obstacles preventing it for the time being.

[@jellyjams7217]

@@IllusiveSR2 same. It’s hard to know the difference. I just don’t know. It’s not so much that I really want to get to know them or spend time with them, which I do, it’s more like knowing that if I did it would be perfect

[@IllusiveSR2]

@@jellyjams7217 I know what you mean. I constantly wonder if they really reciprocate my feelings because we flirt but haven't had an opportunity to really talk because of my being trapped in a marriage with a narcissistic abuser. Truthfully, if I had a way out of the situation, I would love to just take them out and spend time together. That's why I'm unsure about limerence.. I'm attracted to them but my motivations aren't lustful, I want to get to know her and be able to say how I feel and act in a manner that matches it rather than having to stifle my feelings.

[@IllusiveSR2]

@@jellyjams7217 I'm afraid if it was reciprocated I'd fall madly in love in a way only poets and musicians can describe.

[@hillbillyherb]

Interesting topic, lots to think about. I believe I experience Limerence more with folks who are respected authority figures and influencers. So desperate to be seen and respected sometimes. Fortunately it's something I've become aware of and am working on. I've been on the other side too though, folks have an easy time attaching to me thinking I'm going to solve their problems, be that whoever they need, or whatever. I'm definitely not good at dealing with the situation and it can be very de-regulating. Being honest as soon as possible is generally the best way to go...

[@brianarbenz7206]

I've never done anything harmful or harassing to a person, but when I think over the way I was way, way too into a few people when I was in my late teens through -- well, longer than I'd care to admit -- I feel a lot of regrets. I suppose there was one person I was harming, and that was myself. I was stunting my social development, and blocking myself from having healthy feelings. A person has to go through the process of liking a lot of people from knowing them personally, not from idealizing them from a distance. That way we can learn that a person who seems perfect and ethereal is actually from the real world, and limited by reality, just as we are.

[@popstar2257]

This is the end my friend. Usually they wont get it and still be persistent unfortunately. Along the similar lines of being a stalker, but not enough basis to call the cops or have a restraining order on them. Blocking them on all social medias helps a lot. Maybe ask mutual friends to not discuss you to them when asked about you.

[@HannahRoot55]

Hey pop star 🌟

[@ptlovelight2971]

Whoaa, was this right on time for me! I recently started talking and dating a man who is way more into me than i am into him. And its not that i dont like him; its that he seems to put me on a pedestal. He's already thinking long term about me and its only been two weeks! Buying me gifts, planning for trips, talkimg about meetimg his family....This is definitely settling off alarm bells for me, but i also dont want to shut him down just yet, as i do enjoy his company. Part of me feels this could just be nervous excitement? It definitely feels like limerance to me, which im trying to stay far away from

[@lifeoflee09]

If it feels unnatural I would be weary of it and take it slow

[@jecarlin]

If I were limerent for someone and knew they were engaged to be married, the fact that they were objectively unavailable for me would turn off the limerence.

[@user-vn9sh6hv8r]

I guess until they are actually married there is still the "hope" tho. Like in movies where someone makes a play for another who is about to get married. It's a fantasy and still a possibility until the knot is actually tied. I imagine that is precisely why engagement triggers this sudden escalation in limerent behaviour...

[@Fabyskan]

Its easy said. Turning off feelings is not a choice. Cutting contact is the only way

[@STak-ju7gx]

​@@Fabyskan I don't know. I once had feelings for someone, but once i heard about the engagement, I just felt instant relief. Looking back, I think part of me didn't want all the work to even be with that person.

[@Fabyskan]

@@STak-ju7gx I wish. I tried almost everything. Seems Im too fcking stubborn. I thought after 4 years it would finally be done but no its as active as it always was

[@BikiniBottomBankRobber]

@@user-vn9sh6hv8roh my god you’re right. Being engaged is frequently perceived as having a sign over your head that says “LAST CHANCE” what the heck is up with that? lol 💀

[@readerforlife7292]

I had a really deep limerence for a female friend of mine. We dated briefly and I felt really loved and accepted by her, which wasnt something Ive experienced a lot in life, so when things ended it was hard for me to move on. The thing is I really did want to just move on and leave things in the past, but it was extremely difficult for me. It really did feel like an addiction, and eventually I just had to delete all her contact information. It didnt help that we worked together. I hate the way I made her feel, I just hope that she can just forget about me and that I didnt make her feel like a bad person for her disinterest.

[@MEMESSOSTUPID]

Intimacy disgusts me. I feel like it involves me “admitting my humanity”, if that makes sense. Gives me the willies.

[@tarkov_6]

Its also annoying when someone is avoiding you but wont say why.

[@PrincessNinja007]

I've been avoiding this guy for 2 years now, and I'm not telling him why, but I figured the part where a man over twice my age literally begged me for sex wouldn't need explaining

[@tarkov_6]

@@PrincessNinja007 probably not in that case. But if they were the same age and just wanted to meet...

[@tamatebako_yt]

Well it's simple really. That person clearly doesn't want to be with or for that matter, anywhere near you. So just let it go. Why would you want to spend time with someone who doesn't like you anyways?

[@Romanticoutlaw]

if they're not making an effort to talk to you in return, that should be all the reason you need to stop letting them live rent free in your head

[@TheReal_ist]

Thank u so much for making this video I had no clue this is what I was doing to someone I thought they were just busy and would come around eventually but in reality there just not interested. This was such a revelation thank u!!❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you enjoyed it! Nika@TeamFairy

[@vaiapatta8313]

What happens if you harbour romantic feelings for someone you have no contact with? It's not like you can "cut off contact" to make it go away.

[@thedarkcreole]

Currently in that situation. If the person hasn’t reached out to you or evinced any interest in you, take that as a sign to move on. I sent a lengthy text to my limerant object about three weeks ago, and she has yet to respond. It’s put me in a sad place for the past week, but I’m slowly growing to understand that there is nothing there, and I need to let go. I’ve been bed rotting and not eating for a week thinking about her, but yesterday I got up and showered and took myself out to dinner. I’ve reached out to other friends, and I’m looking for a good therapist to help me with this and other issues. And I don’t think I’m going to see her for awhile (if ever), and that’s a good thing. You can do it. This is possible. I see you, and I know you’re soon going to meet the right person for you.

[@zioness-kb9pr]

@@thedarkcreoleI love this for you, you’ve got this!

[@vaiapatta8313]

@@thedarkcreole thank you for the encouragement. I'm in this limbo where my brain says "look, this is ridiculous, there's no chance in hell this could happen" but my heart stubbornly keeps hoping (sorry if this sounds cheesy; it definitely sounds cheesy in my head as I write it :P I just can't think of a better way to put it). I feel so stupid for feeling this way, that I haven't even told my therapist yet. I feel this holding me back in other aspects of my life, just because it takes up so much brain space. Frankly, I don't even mind if I never meet the right person, as long as I gain control over my life... And thanks for sharing, too! I'm happy to hear that you managed to turn over a new leaf. Many hugs and best wishes to you!

[@tuffbear7603]

I’ve experienced limerance so many times it brought down my health I couldn’t sleep for days

[@TheCrain]

I experienced that when I was 18. I still remember the sec I realized something was not right with me. We went out to Applebee's and she said she liked my jacket. I replied with "Do you want it?" Full ready to give it to her. We both looked at each other and knew this wasn't right. Almost 20 years later I still cringe when looking back on it. She eventually broke it off and I stopped hanging out with that group of friends. She even married a friend from that group. Just so happened to be her exes brother. Yet, it was the best thing for us both.

[@michael10613]

thats not even really weird. dont worry fam

[@TheCrain]

@@michael10613 I appreciate you saying that man.

[@2sourcerer]

I was someone who had limerence even when the girl was married (which I was happy to be invited and attended to) and I haven’t contact her except saying happy birthday in years. (And a few occasional meet up like once every 4 years or so). I also had a relationship with another girl but I still couldn’t shake the feeling completely. It was 17 years later when I finally was cleared of it by actually talking to the girl, telling her how I had this lingering feeling with her over the years and a decision I made years ago was made because of her and such. Suddenly the weight was gone. I no longer had any feeling once I let her knew how I felt. Even though it was not a complete secret of mine, I had let a few others knew about this, but the fact the limerence object knew about it made the difference. I have loving parents, especially mom. Though she often was pretty mad at me but even as a child I didn’t feel neglected. I didn’t have a normal teenage friends. I feel like the best friend I had made was in fourth grade. None of the friends I made afterward made me feel as good until when in college I feel like I was able to make that close connections again. Because I immigrated to another country in my 7th grade and moved around a bit too much on my 7 through 9 I think that was the trauma. But I also think it has a generic component to it because I was having issues in the 5th grade already because I was clinging to the past by then on friendship. After that 17 year limerence was shaken off. I had a feeling for someone and it wasn’t mutual. That was gone by two years. Then I had a half year relationship. Then got stuck in a limerence of 4 again, even though two three years in I consciously tried to get it out of my head and I couldn’t. I think one very important reason why it can be described as addictive is that the feeling for the girl probably due to that the feeling was stronger as the years go by. And I am not the type that get into a relationship easily. Those that I do get into faster I don’t feel the “love” as strong as the ones I have limerence on. I need that time, half a year to a year at least, to build up that tension or feeling to make me feel like yeah, this is love, before I would pursue the girl. And for most girls that pace is just too slow, even if they had the interest in the beginning it would be lost by the time I was ready. (I am in Taiwanese culture so they way I approach it is heavily influenced by it)

[@aquapr901]

Honestly when you are the one experiencing limerence and then get the reality-check that the other person probably feels disgusted and off-put by you, it finally hits you very painfully, that's why you shouldn't drown in those romantic fantasies and always have a reality check with you

[@rigon63]

This just proves that I'm hopeless. I'm sick of it all.

[@wowomah6194]

Limerence sounds like an awfully nice way of trying to medicalize romantic adoration. Was Romeo romantic? Or "limerent"? Is not everyone we pine over the "object of our affection" until/if they become our partner?

[@PrincessNinja007]

"Was Romeo romantic?" Bub, Romeo killed himself at 17 years old. Whatever he was, it was a terminal case and we can only pray it wasn't contagious. Guinevere was burned at the stake, Lancelot destroyed a kingdom. Captain Ahab endangered his crew and then died. Romantic or no, these things have consequences, and when you put the book down you're supposed to go out into your life and remember that there's a whole library full of reasons not to do those things

[@rainpooper7088]

"Everyone's a little ADHD" moment right here lmao

[@wowomah6194]

@@rainpooper7088 Well seeing as the standard for diagnosing ADHD is ridiculously low, yeah maybe.

[@kristin1533]

I had a man limerent on me. We worked for the same company. At first, I enjoyed talking to him, but after awhile I felt suffocated by his attention. It was awful to have to interact with him. I tried to avoid him. Finally I quit that job and felt relieved not to have to see him, though he continued to email me on holidays.

[@thewholecircus2792]

I'm sorry that happened to you, one coworker kept buying me food even when I refused they insisted I eat it later

[@anaccount8474]

This women sounds like a classic friend-zoner, what the hell was she doing keeping hanging out with this guy. She knew the situation, it doesn't sound like she even likes him that much as a person but definitely enjoyed having him a around - I wonder why.

[@jeffreykeith6494]

My life has been a sad, pathetic joke. Now, I must find a way to make peace with that.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You are in the right place. Nika@TeamFairy

[@samuel-no8yp]

I had this happen to me while I was in the process of getting limerence for someone else. The behavior was so off-putting and yet, I couldn't see that it was exactly what I was doing! I even expressed to the person I was being limerent towards how weird it was for this other person I barely knew to seemingly be obsessed with me, and I remember them just being really silent, so I changed the topic pretty quickly. Now I realize how they must have felt the exact same way I did in that moment. Thankfully, I am much more aware of the patterns and cycles of my life and have also started the daily practice after watching your videos for a few months.

[@YOliver]

"Platonic relationships" are always a bad idea. Even if one side is not attracted, they have no way of controlling whether the other is or will become so.

[@camilleslim9736]

I came across limerence a year and a half ago on KZbin. I was searching for twin flame videos and I clicked on limerence and I found out I was a fit candidate. I am so glad I found info for my 'undying infatuation' and how to cure it. Self love and compassion ❤️

[@melissaschiller713]

When someone is obsessed with you it feels like the hand of death choking you, like the gates of hell, no life and no goodness just something very dark.