LIMERENCE: Obsessing on Unavailable People Is an Escape from Your Own Life

[@kimlec3592]

Longing for unavailable people has been my escape & my lifeline. If the real people in your life harm you, it makes total sense to long for a person you will never meet who consequently cannot harm you ! Taken to extremes in extreme situations. This is how a lot of us have survived horrific levels of fear violence & neglect !

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

It made sense for a long time! Now there are strategies and support for healing those wounds courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com -Cara@TeamFairy

[@maydavies888]

It is why I feel like the TV series I watch are like me going to visit familiar friends... all of whom are predictable and cannot hurt me. I can be a fly on the wall.

[@ansheng9833]

Maybe this explains my intense attraction to celebrities! Not the romantic kind but the friendship kind. Didn't have anyone in my life I could call a friend so I saw the celebs as my friends, so I tried to like as many of them as possible, went out of my way to meet them etc. In hindsight its pretty messed up and wasted my time too.

[@rubyparchment5523]

@@ansheng9833 Really, nothing wrong with that. Remember the old Andy Griffith Show? Goober and Gomer were always included, their feelings taken into account. Not like real life!

[@Molly-t3c]

@@maydavies888 Didn't realise anyone else felt like this. I feel this way about some of the characters in my favourite TV shows /audiobooks,, too. They allow me to feel included and to experience emotion, but from a safe distance, without the fear of being judged, used, hurt, criticised or rejected.

[@fashionablylate888]

“Memories are the place we go when we don’t know how to be where we are.”

[@temporaryfrustration]

a quote I always comeback to when I feel that way is "Is this a familiar hell, or an unfamiliar heaven?"

[@bookblogger9462]

This makes more sense to me than anything I have ever read. I ruminate about the past because I can't handle my present.

[@DaveCortesMusic]

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[@maybesomedayperhaps1]

By God! Best quote ive seen in a very, very long time.​@temporaryfrustration

[@lashedbutnotleashed1984]

Memories to some extent, but I would say fantasies are really the place we go when we don't know how to be where we are.

[@Private.eye.007]

Let me give you the best piece of advice my therapist gave me: *Do not chase what doesn’t want to be caught.*

[@noverguy]

Amen to this comment! That is a fact and sometimes takes a long time to realize you are "chasing" and they are running away for the fun of it. Great advice!

[@nightmaster6381]

I hope no police take that advice...

[@user-dc1md2jh9s]

​@@nightmaster6381 what?

[@taylorstep8135]

Unavailable people will always "check in" when they're bored or can't find someone that's "enough" for them so they will come back to you.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for listening! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@MonaHerSelfM]

Yeah they do. I let him break me twice and lost my whole life. It's suffocating.

[@merncat3384]

​@@MonaHerSelfM same :(

[@EnliveningJustice]

Not always. I admit, I wanted 'mine' to check in but he never did. ⏳It's been almost 4yrs.

[@Earth_sign2722]

Oof I feel this

[@mariamava6259]

Girl, its not Callum you love, it’s your desire to wait for the day he finally chooses you, so you can finally prove yourself that you are lovable! That simple. That day won’t ever come until believed “YOU are LoVaBLe” whether your dad, Calum, Scott, Nick,etc., choose you or don’t, they are just mere projections of you holding a belief that you are unlovable. Get on the throne queen and accept the love of those who have something to offer. No more accepting crumbs, half-ass connections or behaviors, doesn’t matter how strong the chemistry might seem. There is a serious trap we are in: the strong connection we feel on distance is not a “special” connection in fact, it is a hook, a trap specifically designed to badly trigger our sense of unworthiness. Remember, when you heal from that, you will look back and be astonished at how you could obsess over anyone ever. That will be such a strange memory to you, like if it was not you.

[@raiontheone]

YES

[@dr.poisonii7419]

Yep. I hope one day she covers the topic of conscious manifestation and the SP crowd. Because this is what it is

[@astoldbynickgerr]

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 damn!

[@BobSmith-kd4oc]

Sounds exactly like conditional love to me. " Something to offer"

[@mariamava6259]

@@BobSmith-kd4oc exactly, human love is always conditional and transactional. You want to tell me that you don’t fall for looks, intellect and sexual aspects of a person? They provide something for you to love them, they cover a certain need for you. Whoever says love can be unconditional is living in a world of illusion. You can’t love unconditionally even your dog: the moment your dog starts annoying you enough for you to think of how to get rid of him.

[@youknowyoulikeit1000]

Never let someone put you on “lay-a-way”. It’s now or never. You deserve better than that.

[@DesertMoon]

Love this!

[@Vibesandlives]

Exactly

[@lashedbutnotleashed1984]

Only if you are on sale.

[@Darknlovelyone85]

Thanks ❤

[@ansheng9833]

Not only just unavailable romantic partners, it's unavailable everything. Unavailable friends, unavailable societies/circles/subcultures/groups. They're just waiting for and expecting rejection, therefore in a self-fulfilling prophecy manner inadvertently seek out those who fulfill the prophecy of not being accepted.

[@hyperchord]

Thank you! This! All of this!

[@di3486]

EXACTLY. I had them all, I was accepted by none of those ever. Took me 40 years to wake up!

[@navideology]

True

[@heyyourlenscapson2588]

Same.

[@ChristineHsrtTesseract]

I used to obsess around serial killers, write to them, try to get them to love me. Im now old. A life wasted.

[@queenr.480]

"He wanted me around, he didn't want me." Don't settle to be someone's second option.

[@nunya5136]

Never again 😊

[@basilleavesandhoneybees483]

Don’t sleep with married people period!

[@QueenBee-gp1jr]

Limerance is so relatable. Even as a kid I got attached to teachers who were kind to me. I grieved when they moved or left

[@CobraDove1111]

@@rtphotos4691 Check YOURSELF. Classic projection, YOU are the one attacking. Chill out, you come across as a knowitall

[@kurootsuki3326]

@@rtphotos4691 Do you understand the concept of reclamation of language?

[@clared5812]

@@rtphotos4691 bro, I’m a woman and I like using the term daddy issues to describe my lived experience. So does the commenter above me. You are the only one shutting down women, by telling us not to speak the way we want to. You may not like the term daddy issues, and you don’t have to use it, but you have to be respectful to others and understand that for some, it’s a way to talk about our issues in a way that feels good for us. It’s not hurtful to women. Many women like us, like the term. It’s hurtful to you. And that’s not a good reason to police other people’s narratives when they are sharing about their trauma. So stop doing that.

[@clared5812]

@@theinitialscc1924 pick up artists are not using the word, they’re targeting girls who have unresolved attachment issues because they know those girls will be easy targets. Call it whatever you want, a rose by any other name is still the proven fact that victims with unhealed trauma are easy to re-victimize. Pick up artists will continue to target girls with low self-esteem regardless of what you call it. I’m surprised you didn’t know that, considering what channel we’re on. My point is that it’s not helping anyone to start a flame war over how a victim chooses to describe herself when she’s sharing her story. Look at this reply section, the original comment about the woman who was reflecting on her issues has not gotten any support to what she was actually saying, because that person came in and derailed everyone with a pointless, pedantic argument about phrasing. That’s what I dislike about the language policing; it is an actively unhelpful distraction that prevents trauma survivors from getting what they really need - support. Instead of helping this woman or validating her, KD photos has only served to take attention and support away from the woman who is trying to work through her issues. Instead, she’s given her anger over her choice of words, instead of care and support for being the victim of these issues. I just find it hypocritical that KD Photos claims to be on the side of women, while actively starting pointless debates at the expense of these women, instead of listening to what they’re saying and actually supporting them. The language people use to describe their own experiences shouldn’t matter more than the experiences themselves. Women need to support women, not tear each other down over what words we use to talk about our abuse.

[@spacegirl226]

This comment reminds me of when I was a child and took piano lessons. A teacher that I had grown attached to decided to move to a different part of the state with her husband who had gotten a new job. She told me over the phone that she was leaving, said I was a good student and to keep playing piano. I was maybe eight at the time. I was devastated, and I remember not being able to speak or say anything on the phone to her. Yet after I hung up, I went into my room and bawled like a baby. I hadn't been able to vocalize how I felt to her, yet I was inconsolable for days and even stopped playing piano for a while. I thought many times after that incident that I hoped my piano teacher didn't think I didn't care about her or that I wouldn't miss her. I did! I just didn't know how to tell her. It still bothers me to this day and I'm 40.

[@bethrand9292]

If someone feels like home….since my childhood sucked … it’s not a good thing.

[@Blessed1283]

Same here. I recently met someone who I felt strongly about right away. I knew it was a red flag. He turned out to be a narcissist.

[@karennovosat5435]

I understand that!

[@everlybnb2409]

My husband felt like home, comfortable, like a living room when I dated. Worst decision ever, he is emotionally abusive covertly and superior.

[@paulad.4578]

My first thought, when she said that was, "Uh oh! There's a projection going on here." But that is true of most people. We tend to project onto others what we want, hope or need. One way of dealing with a projection is to sit down and write a list of exactly the qualities of that person makes you/one "feel like home." Then, take those qualities and apply them to yourself, because they really are coming out of you.

[@laetitiabecker6920]

Whoops

[@byrnegrrl]

The visualization exercise of sitting on a throne and letting yourself be approached is incredible.

[@ONLYLOVEIZATION]

I like this

[@auroraborealis13579]

That’s going in my mental health toolbox immediately and getting a lot of use! 👸🏻👸🏻👸🏻

[@karenshook1711]

Love that

[@RosheenQuynh]

That personally makes me feel like I am a narcissist, which I would rather die than become one...

[@annieb8521]

@@RosheenQuynh same here

[@lisaschmidt8466]

I was in a relationship with another emotionally unavailable man. For the first time ever, I walked away. It was so powerful. I ruminated for a couple years but I did it.

[@dougcoleman8972]

Yeah, it is freeing but difficult. I'm proud of myself. When I finally walked away another door was opened.

[@lauragarza4u]

The ruminating can be so draining 😩 Awesome on letting go.

[@jellybean6778]

When she told Calum about the casual relationship with her ex, he was in fact shocked and felt insecure. He was just looking for an excuse to leave after many instances of toying with her and making sure he had her on the line in case he needed some attention when he wanted it.

[@jamlaw]

@@jellybean6778 totally. It felt like that could be him punishing her for not sticking around waiting for him, and making it her "fault".

[@jessicag9274]

Ong I just did this for the first time and I was so proud that I did it all by myself, and didn’t blame or beat myself up after. The growth is beautiful.

[@michellep3814]

The only way to break free is to develop a commitment to yourself and be that person who will always be there for you.

[@fezekaMiya]

🤞🏾♥️

[@scotthunt3860]

Yes absolutely

[@winxclubstellamusa]

Pursuing unavailable people and trying to convince ourselves that they want us and doing our absolute hardest efforts for an obscene period of time to earn their approval, affection, and affection is a FAWN TRAUMA RESPONSE. We are trying to get our parents to like us through getting the person to like us, that is the wound which causes that. We fawned unsuccessfully to our cruel parents, but our shadow drives us to try again with the person. Michelle Lee Nieves Coaching has an absolutely LIFE CHANGING video about this. That trauma response is primal, powerful, undeniable, and less than conscious. But it can be healed, because the person not liking us is not an immediate threat to our survival like our parents rejection was. I’m so proud of myself for healing that specific humiliating response that I used to do all the damn time.

[@TaijaT76]

Great comment. Fawning seems to be the most complicated and destructive response to childhood abuse and neglect. Even some of these commenters here don’t seem to understand anything about it. This channel is the best I have found about it, other channel I would also suggest is Lisa A.Romano breakthrough coaching channel. Kind and supportive insight to what it means to heal from codependence.

[@winxclubstellamusa]

@@TaijaT76 thank you ☺️ I’m actually subscribed to both ♥️

[@freakiniilse]

so true! Happy to read you healed from that!

[@winxclubstellamusa]

@@freakiniilse thank you ☺️✨

[@jont2576]

u just described everything i could never put into words all my life......

[@meggallucci5300]

Children of alcoholics and emotionally unavailable parents are so frequently codependent and overly romanticize and even intellectualize impossible situations. I know from experience. Both of the relationships described here are impossible. Let go of them. Anna is right.

[@GreasyBaconMan]

Intellectualize impossible relationships, in marriage with kids.

[@DeadpoolX9]

I’d say learning to walk away was one of the most valuable skills I ever learned. It hurts and it’s lonely but it’s probably much better than burning yourself out to please people who take more than they give to you

[@ramonaneyrinck2292]

You just described me! 😢

[@trinityp8575]

There is no point even figuring out if he loved you, he didn’t. If he did he would be with you in the first place. No excuses.

[@idk-rx6ic]

exactly it would be her choosing him to be in relationship that’s how it’s should be when the man is thinking about it. it’s a no

[@MBAinternetmktg]

He repeatedly told her that he was not interested in a long-term future & she did not want to believe him. There are plenty of guys out there who like the slobbering attention & occasional hook-ups with their friends-with-benefits. He probably does seem special to her, but the feeling is not mutual. I've been there. She may never get over him, which is a great reason to stay far away from him. When a guy really wants something or someone, he pursues it/her/him relentlessly. Guys go after what they really want.

[@athens31415]

They do go after what they want -- but some guys will pursue you relentlessly and then a year or two later once a relationship is established, devalue you --- it can be difficult to discern the difference between authentic pursuit vs lovebombing. Just because a guy pursues you as what he "wants" doesn't mean he's emotionally available!

[@mariahspapaya]

@@athens31415 yes for sure. I was endlessly pursued by a man i dated for 3 months and I took me 4 years to sort of get over him. He rolled out the red carpet for me. My last ex I dated (after a covert malignant narcissist), pursued me relentlessly, even though I was in a weird phase of my life and didn’t feel ready for him. He chased after me heavily, flaunted his income, and claimed I could trust him and feel safe with him. The moments I finally would feel safe with him, he wouldn’t make me feel safe and criticized me. He was dishonest about his intentions with me. He told me he loved me a month into the relationship and seemed to want a relationship with me, but he didn’t want to commit. He has a fear of commitment and likes to sleep around. Men will say anything to get you to have sex with them. Once they have conquered you, it’s onto the next victim. I have been friends with him almost 2 years now, and im realizing the extent of his infidelities and his endless need for sex and validation from women. We have still hooked up in the past and since the last time I was with him, I instantly regretted it and knew it messed with my head. Im realizing the trauma im repeating in wanting him or romanticizing him, even though he’s unavailable and honestly pretty toxic. Im debating if being his friend is a good thing for me.

[@samwhich7795]

Honestly likes this comment but the "it" part threw me off tbh

[@themindbenderr]

@@samwhich7795 I get what you mean lol it seems dark but she said ''When a guy really wants **something** or someone, he pursues **it** /her/him relentlessly.''

[@xLiLlyx98]

​@@mariahspapayaI mean its been a while since you posted this comment and this situation may have resolved itself already but if it hasn't, yes he seems incredibly bad for you even if "just" a friend which seems to be just a halfway point towards still being involved with him. So id suggest no contact at all

[@trinityp8575]

When someone says he isn’t ready - move and don’t look back.

[@sp6184]

He "put a bookmark in your life" and "someone with abandonment issues will hold space for that" wow, thank you for putting that onto words for me. So cruel and messed-up.

[@mariesa4481]

The bookmark comment got me too… 😢

[@MLNmonkey]

One thing that worked for me is telling my inner child that she's enough. And repeating it in front of the mirror every day. Hope you find your inner peace guys! Love

[@sjcooks3664]

This motivated me to stick a paper Infront of my mirror that says you're enough ❤

[@julzluvzdollz]

Limerence is one hell of a drug

[@sunnybright8206]

If a man wants you there is nothing that can keep him away. If he doesn’t there is nothing that can make him stay -Oprah

[@JustinJohn-j4r]

Not an Oprah fan but she's right here.

[@GrubKiller436]

You're gonna hate what I'm gonna say, but he would've been with her had she stayed single. If a man loves a woman, her sexual promiscuity (even though they're no longer together) is still going to impact him. So in other words, he was hoping for the same thing. If she truly loved him, she wouldn't have chosen multiple other people in the meantime. Even though they were no longer together. It still impacts his sense of love towards her.

[@diezuckerbackerin5112]

​@@GrubKiller436what a sexistic bullshit.

[@charlottecamila2859]

​​@@GrubKiller436 I agree. I have seen men completely leave a woman they really love even after reconcilliation because they realized the feeling wasn't the same anymore after those women did that. Its like men lose the respect and admiration for them and the magic is gone. We can also say those women didnt truly love those men either. At least not true love. True love doesn't manipulate like that. It sounds more like co dependant/sexual/ or trauma bond connections.

[@idk-rx6ic]

@@GrubKiller436but he been told her he didn’t want a relationship years prior and kept reminding her, with her agreeing so when she finally told him something. He used it and broke the fantasy completely it keeps her chasing if she choosing to and him getting keep her on the back burner

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

Sometimes you are happier alone.. this is what I have found for myself...

[@sarahdee374]

I'm 68 with a crappy childhood. I've never found a healthy long term partnership. But I've dated a lot and have some experience with this. #1- I've found with men (and women may have this tendency too, but I don't date them) to take the cowardly way out. Instead of honestly saying "We're not a good romantic match, I'm ending this and wish you future happiness, goodbye" they dangle that possible future carrot which keeps us hooked and hopeful and provides them with this sick ego thing of knowing you're still wanting them. It's especially challenging for those of us with abandonment issues, we want connection so bad we will wait our entire live for that perfect carrot! BUT part of being an adult who is responsible for our well being and the safety of our inner self we must set the boundary and end it, be deeply honest with yourself and consistently refuse to go back to the fantasy. Those of us who have not been well parented must self-love and self- parent and create our own sense of home in ourselves.

[@TeKeyaKrystal]

hmmm , great words.. for me , there's nothing "to end" lol.. i fantasize about relationships that won't happen & ignore possible relationships that are trying to happen 😩

[@suzyclear7668]

❤️❤️

[@moonlightsky4840]

'they dangle that possible future carrot which keeps us hooked and hopeful and provides them with this sick ego thing of knowing you' re still wanting them' - I'll write it down on my wall ma'am that was on point!

[@cherp5837]

I wish the best for you.. i feel lucky that in this lifetime all of us abused people got to know the truth and we wont die believing a lie or blame ourselves for what we are

[@bobleglob162]

Women do the same. The men they do it to are called "orbiters"-friendzoned men who are given just enough attention to make them hope there is a romantic future.

[@cindydee8475]

A good quality man with honorable intentions will always respect you enough let you know where he stands and will try to secure his position with you. There is no "future faking" or "putting you on hold" and you do not have to be left wondering but sadly some of us learned early on in life that these things are ok. They are not ok and I so hope we can all find a place of healing by placing up proper boundaries

[@meagiesmuse2334]

Some guys are smart enough to make it look like they are letting you know where you stand, but by using vague phrases like "I will stick with you", or "I've never been as happy as I've been with you". What do those actually mean? We need to watch out for language that allows them to keep their options open. A man who really loves you won't need to give himself wiggle room.

[@kloebl10]

"I wanted him to fight for me and choose me"...that's what I've always said about guys in my life who were "unavailable" yet still involved with me. Those words in that quote are exactly how I felt/feel forever. A man who would finally choose me and fight for me. Is it because we were emotionally neglected? I also want a man who reassures me that everything is going to be ok, makes me feel safe and loved. Now I'm learning to choose & fight for myself. It's lonely, not as satisfying, but I'm trying to heal the inner wounds so I can have a healthy relationship. But those words..."I wanted him to fight for me and choose me" is what I wanted my whole life!

[@bobleglob162]

So Callum should have taken the "I'm seeing somebody else right now" bait and tried to steal her away? That's being manipulative on her part. But I don't think Callum was being honest with her so... What does "fight" mean to you? Does there need to be a fight? Wouldn't a healthier approach be where both people agree that their relationship is worth keeping and growing, no chasing of fighting involved?

[@savingsarah9456]

Me too Sis

[@kawaiixtc]

Yes… its so painful when you know your friends are getting into these relationships with people who really want them… men who fight for them… Jeez. No wonder I fell into the fanfiction and kinning rabbit hole at a young age. Love felt so strange to me that it could only be felt through characters who weren’t me, because I was so deeply unlovable.

[@charuchaturvedi1527]

I can relate so so so much to this

[@thesubtlebodies4220]

I also felt the same way. But the sad truth is women need to stand up for themselves. No one is going to stand up for you and protect you. Those happen only in fairy tales

[@areacode3816]

Back burner relationships are a crux for CPTSD. Robbed of a full life was the perfect description.

[@bushka087]

This guy gets off on her being in love with him. He strings her along until there is any chance of her rejecting him, then he just withholds his "friendship". This guy wants you to be his backup plan, and he gets moody when that is threatened. And now I'm realizing I'm the expert because this is literally my life story on a loop. One sad manipulative loser after the other. Thanks for the super happy childhood, DAD

[@boomboom1258]

This hits me deeply. I never thought of it that way. Thank you!!

[@texas0828]

My story

[@eboli7146]

So true. I grew up with a mentally unstable father and sister and did not feel safe or secure at home all the time. In my adult life I’ve been very non-committal in everything I do, citing myself as a free spirit and different to ordinary people. I’ve also tended to get into casual relationships and have repeatedly been extremely attracted to men who are unavailable in some way. Now in my mid thirties and after being so alone for so long I now see clearly how my way of living has more to do with feeling “safe” than who I am as a person. Thank you Anna your videos help so much 💕

[@jennifer3164]

same

[@OwnersofaBrokenHeart]

So much more help is available… the stigma really stings everyone…. I really get a lot here although there’s nothing I can do for my past… just not repeating the negative stuff…. Baggage… ugh..,

[@oliviacadena2036]

@@OwnersofaBrokenHeart Please, what else is helpful, can you give some examples????

[@OwnersofaBrokenHeart]

@@oliviacadena2036 Olivia, all I know is; it’s either the situation or the personalities. methods of communicating. Writing out specifics and focus on the problem. Arguing sets off fires but staying cool can isolate the problem while creating new problems. We didn’t know what to do but this worked for a while.

[@TM-rk5dj]

Same. It’s good to know we aren’t alone 🙌

[@CJ-uk1rt]

There were times where I fell for unavailable people and saw them through rose tinted glasses. I felt they were the one and felt like they did nothing wrong, even when they flat out rejected me. They'd give me different excuses as to why they can't be with me but will still show they "cared". I realized that these people just want to string me along and wants me to stroke their ego. The "one" wouldn't reject you.

[@ChristineHsrtTesseract]

Im still doing that with one guy. Tellling myself he's hiding his true feelings. Because they're too deep for him to handle.

[@SK-no2pp]

@@ChristineHsrtTesseract people don’t always act on their feelings. Your life will pass you by. I did that for almost 4 years. We did the on and off communication cycles many many time. Nothing ever really changed except his behavior was unpredictably predictable. I used to respond thinking if I was stable and secure I could prove to be a safe person. It never mattered… they just end up walking in and out of your life when and if they feel like it. It’s a revolving door policy then. If he texted me now, I would not respond. I don’t have a desire to engage. Like you, my heart does hurt and I think about whether they’ll message me. But I also think about my sanity and pain. No thanks… don’t want non committal bullshit. I hope you find the strength to walk away. You deserve love

[@lightofall]

Agreed

[@GrayMattr]

Hello 👋🏼

[@disco_depression]

I'm slowly getting over a crush on a guy who barely knows I exist. I can't believe how much I fantasized about him when we barely talked. These feelings burn me. I need healing

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We support you! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@cookie_dough_hangover]

I didn't even know his name. 😂 I was completely invisible to him. My God, I feel so embarrassed.

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

@@cookie_dough_hangover Don’t be embarrassed. Even for those not with limerance issues it can be quite normal, think boyband crushes, didn’t know those boys either. Don’t worry :-).

[@cookie_dough_hangover]

@@jmvwegnerpriest That's so kind. Thank you.

[@2Ryled]

If they say I don't want you now, it' means that if they can't find a better partner out of millions of people, maybe just maybe he'll get with you. You are the dead last consolation prize. Don't fall for it. It means on a planet with billions of people, you are dead last. Why would you think that's OK?

[@kimlec3592]

Without some form of escape life becomes very uncomfortable indeed.

[@frau_ic]

Just do not use others for this.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

With a supportive community, escape is less attractive :) courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Blessed1283]

You have to make your life one you enjoy. You won't want to escape it or let toxic people in it.

[@Србомбоница86]

Spot on

[@marcpadilla1094]

Unavailability is like a fantasy. Reality is never up to snuff but what could be or could've been is much more alluring. Unavailability to me is filling in the blanks with great expectations while ignoring the reality that he wasn't the one. It didn't happen so let it be.

[@pennydls5073]

There's this really good quote from a movie.. "I also discovered that people who are worth it, you'll love them and they'll love you back."

[@amycuaresma]

Sometimes you get what you want. Other times, you get a lesson in patience, timing, alignment, empathy, compassion, faith, perseverance, resilience, humility, trust, meaning, awareness, resistance, purpose, clarity, grief, beauty, and life. Either way, you win A lot of people think that they need to be perfect in order to be happy and live a fulfilling life. But the truth is, there is no such thing as perfection. We can all do our best and learn from misntakes, but it’s still just doing our best.

[@dotendit]

Well said! Also, this pain brought me a lot, good and bad and had a purpose in my life.Total healing is impossible and might not be desirable. Acceptance is key.

[@terryleekaly2680]

Unavailable is safe. Safe is not full. You deserve full active love

[@MarilynCrosbie]

Sadly, churches in the 1970s and our culture, encouraged women, especially, to try to make an untenable marriage work. Looking back on my marriage at age 19 in 1969, the attitude of my mom toward marriage and divorce caused me to heroically bend over backwards to try to get my husband to treat me well. All it did was send him the message that despite his gaslighting behaviour, I would continue to fulfill my wifely duties as a stay-at-home mom. After 10 years, I finally realized that my catering to him only made him less appreciative me. I eventually ended the marriage.

[@miahlove1753]

You are a queen thanks for sharing your story

[@seymorepencilart]

I just realized that when you are in limerence, you don’t even know you are in it sometimes. It’s only after that you realize how much you weren’t making a choice for yourself.

[@Imanincognitaxo]

I grew up with emotionally unavailable parents. I fantasized about relationships since I was 11 or 12. Creating these stories helped me sleep at night. Now I am 24 and I’m finally putting forth the effort to work on it. I have been celibate for almost a year now. This journey is difficult and I wonder if it’ll ever come to an end. Will I get better? 🙁

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

It gets better! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Sochilinda]

Hi Imani, I am so surprised about your comment. I’m 38 years old and for most of my life I’ve fantasized just like you described. The crazy thing is that in my fantasies the men I was with they were always unavailable people that will come around when they met me, like if I was so extraordinary that it’s me that would change their minds. It’s so crazy to say this out loud, I think is the first time I’ve said it actually. What made you stop with these fantasies?

[@siobhan3127]

I have always fantasised about being in other relationships and enjoyed daydreaming or falling asleep to a new or repeated fantasy. Unfortunately I began to believe that it meant that I didn't really love my husband, as I always fantasised about meeting, falling in love with someone that was way out of my league. It met a need of mine that my husband could not (you always get what you want in your own fantasy). I Now struggle to feel satisfied with the reality of being with my husband while I am trying to avoid fantasising about something or someone better.

[@carolgiangreco6548]

Stay on the path - it's most difficult in the beginning, it gets easier - and you'll get better. It's so worth untangling the knots and getting clear! God bless. xo

[@Everyloveee]

Wow I am 26!! At night creating fantasized relationships in my head is how I drifted off to sleep when I was younger. I still do it sometime. But now I am aware of my patterns. Sometimes I feel hopeless. Thank you so much for sharing.

[@BelindaM44]

In 40 years of counseling, I have never found anybody like this woman! Excellent, and every statement is truth, and explained explicitly. To top it off, these videos are free. How can I ever thank her?

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@rebeccadubarry8523]

Help others

[@noelcastrillo9763]

Choosing oneself is so empowering.

[@35mmonrose]

speaking facts about how another person can “bookmark you” for later but not actually offer anything solid or tangible

[@sonyab2925]

I really loved this. However there is one thing I would like to add. For someone who studies astrology, spirituality , hypnotherapist , energy healer etc...And someone who still trying to heal the wounds from the childhood. People who have experienced difficult childhood I mean really difficult one, like abuse, a parent addicted to substances, emotional neglect and if this is mixed with controlling the child, manipulating the child then later on these people subconsciously and consciously want to move away from their birth place. And they SHOULD!!!! This way they go away from the pain and they can embrace their uniqueness and talents. Abroad they find peace , comfort , understanding and they feel SAFE. NO! This is not escapism at all. This is like creating a new home from a space of excitements, joy and free will. It's empowering.

[@rebeccadubarry8523]

Yes but wherever you go, you still have your belly button darling ❤

[@annakalakatroni4708]

What I realised about myself 10 years ago: if I keep on going after people who are unavailable I myself will become unavailable with my fixated obsession and will miss out a loads of great things in life. Ever since I've found my forever person and we are happily married for 7 years now. I wish all of you the best and the strength, courage and patience to overcome your struggles, because now I know from my own experience that it is possible and is absolutely worth it!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for sharing! So happy to hear that :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@SakinahMissSakinah]

I hope the same too. Please pray for me.

[@OurLabrumAdventures]

I’m now 50. Never married. I passed up several men in my 20s that would have been, and are now (for someone else) supportive and financially strong husbands and wonderful fathers. I was scared of them. I only could dream of someone who didn’t exist. This made up man that would come into my life when I least expected it and sweep me off my feet. And he was perfect because he wasn’t real. I wanted so much to share this life with someone. I did go ahead and by choice become a Mom. And I’m so grateful I did that. I have a daughter and a son. But I still long to have that companionship. But at 50 it’s very unlikely. I had an uninvolved father who never showed up. Not for birthdays, Christmas, Graduations and was very shallow in responses to problems. “Well, that’s life” is all he ever said. While at college I was working 30 hours a week and going to school full-time. I needed some groceries to get me through until my first paycheck. I called and asked for $30 to get some milk, bread, cereal and pasta. He said “no. I don’t have it.” He also gambled 50k that my grandmother wanted to give me when I was an adult. I could write a book about him I think. My Mom is very insecure and gets through by nagging, complaining and is now bankrupt for the 3 rd time in 20 years. Anyway, that’s my story. And I’m glad I’m not alone in this life with this kind of sorrow. I’m so grateful for these communities!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for sharing your story! So glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@jmarco117]

U could still easily meet someone. Join a community group or something. But u have to be open to them. Show them ur interested yet take it slow.

[@bdixit22]

You rock...for sharing your story....and no dont say that at 50 its late to find someone. Its never too late.

[@jgibson8808]

Thank you for sharing this. This is like my situation. I really want to be a mom tho and was trying to get pregnant alone but getting the fertility treatments are too expensive

[@lightofall]

Never give up its never too late. You deserve love too and that companionship. Im 31 and still looking

[@weavesthewebify]

I discovered somatic therapy and lost my tastes for relationships with unavailable people. I'm 4weeks into a 9 month somatic therapy course and feel like I'm finally able to see the negative attachment and able to walk away rather than stay and put up with the abuse or run away from it just to meet it again almost immediately. I now feel comfortable with myself and being alone. I no longer jump at the first crumbs that come my way from anyone who throws me a few in order to keep me on the string so they can keep using me.

[@Nirosha101]

Nice. What course did you do

[@letsgooooooo111]

Where can we get the course?

[@CiaobellaAmour]

When you read the "it felt like home part"... I so felt that in my spirit!

[@winxclubstellamusa]

Me too! I have yet to find someone who feels like home, I’ve wanted that since birth.

[@areacode3816]

I think all of us with CPTSD do. Crazy part love in a relationship can heal so much, yet it is the very thing that needs healing that often keeps us from it. Like needing a car for your first job but needing the money to afford the car.

[@nuthinbutluv4u142]

It felt like home, because there were issues like there were with the unavailable dad and alcoholic mother. It is not a positive thing.

[@Catscratch241]

@@winxclubstellamusa the thing is I think we need to find someone who DOESN’T feel like home. Why? So we can see that we have attracted someone healthy for us, someone who can scare us by wanting to be there, by wanting to love us, by wanting to care, by wanting to show us that we don’t deserve what we thought we did.

[@winxclubstellamusa]

@@Catscratch241 home as in actual home, not what we are used to and are unfortunately familiar with.

[@BobSmith-kd4oc]

I told my last girlfriend that she wasn't ready for me because she was having so many emotional problems from her past. I basically told her I wasn't going to be her escape route and that she really didn't need anyone to just walk away from her past.

[@Victoria-gv3qh]

If a man wants to be with you they will be with you. Period.

[@cookie_dough_hangover]

Exactly, it really is that simple.

[@danielanunez6733]

Lol so relatable “obsessing over people I don’t even like” I hate it because I know I don’t like him yet I convince myself I do and obsessive over him 😭 I keep telling myself I know I don’t like him, didn’t like him since the first time I saw him yet I can’t seem to let go or stop thinking about him

[@idegafa]

This. I feel this 100% and it's driving me crazy.

[@cup_cakey]

Exactly how I am🙃

[@skknnn1859]

Loool omg that’s me!! I couldn’t explain it to my friends. They thought I was crazy

[@dragonflyparade8143]

Ohhh, I'm not alone on this earth! I do this too, and for far too long.

[@gwen8718]

Same thing happened to me with a guy I met, he was physically unattractive to me, he has a horrible personality and his breath smelled. I was so lonely I became limerant for this person. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I’m so glad to see this is SO much deeper than the surface. 🫣

[@lilcherryblossom]

Oh my…this sounds like me in the early 20s… I chased this one boy for years, waiting and hoping that we would be together. Finally, our lives met in the middle and we dated. I was over the moon! Completely blind to any flags or the fact that our relationship was not conventional (long distance because of college, but breaks spent together). I poured my soul into the relationship, convinced we were going to get married. It was an escape. I would always say to him, just marry me and take me away. But after 4 1/2 years it fell apart. He had another girl 3 months later, and I fell into a deep depression. Still leery of relationships to this day. I want to be married, but it hurts to bad to think I could pull the same mistakes again.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for sharing! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@rubyparchment5523]

You did nothing wrong.

[@Andwhataboutithuh]

I did this with a guy in hs. We talked about kids & marriage, he knew everything i wanted out of life, acted like he’d give it to me, i ignored all red flags & he had other girls as well. It’s sad realizing now how badly i wanted to escape my reality at such a young age. I still tried to make it work with him years later b4 realizing he was scum, yet i still think about him.

[@georginikolov1141]

You experienced intensity hence u thought this was something you didn't experience before because you didn't.This is dangerous chemical cocktail make you very easy pray for someone who have nothing but bad intentions towards you.Next time trust 100 percent ur gut when you meet the right person u will feel warm inviting feeling it will never feel intense.Intensity comes from the primitive way of the body to recognise danger which we mistake for feelings of love.Limerence or intensity they Re the same can waste your life on illusion

[@cherp5837]

It’s the same story with me. I still have to sleep with him even though he Is married just to not hurt him

[@msmusicfan0074]

intermittent reinforcement, the most powerful way to get addicted! Sometimes you get together, sometimes you don’t, but each time you think you might and it keeps you trying!

[@vladimirsarmiento5497]

This one resonates with me. It reminds me of a “relationship” I had with an emotionally unavailable woman not too long ago. It’s really difficult to walk away from situations like that because there’s a scarcity mindset we learned from having unavailable caregivers that keeps people stuck and afraid of not finding anyone better should they leave the relationship. That’s how I felt at least. My question moving forward is, how can someone that had Childhood PTSD develop an abundance mindset? There are plenty fish in the sea, but the prospect of finding someone that’s marriage material seems really daunting most of the time (especially for those of us who come from divorced parents). Btw, kudos to all of you for being here seeking answers to your life’s challenges.

[@rubyparchment5523]

There's nothing wrong with the Single life.

[@georginikolov1141]

Loneliness Vs solitude depends how you look at it

[@TeKeyaKrystal]

yeah , i'd like to know how to change my subconscious mindset as well

[@thecreativebusiness1316]

Statistically, finding a good partner is difficult for everyone, more for people with trauma like us, Ok, but I know plenty of healthy people who got divorced and had bad partners. It is more likely for EVERYONE to end up alone than in an happy relationship, we must alla accept that. Still, working on yourself and bettering yourself should be something YOU DO FOR YOU, NOT TO ATTRACT SOMEONE. If you change your motivation, you change your outlook on things and finally get better. That’s my two cents, at least, this worked for me.

[@a.j.fisher813]

❤️

[@HopeWins777]

One of my biggest lessons is that if I am part of the problem I cannot be the solution. If my words would have worked it would have been solved long ago. When your words no longer affect people in your life, it's time to step back and reassess. Your position to them has changed. It doesn't even matter why unless you have been unkind. Then you should still apologize and make amends and be at peace but the fact of the matter is life moves on and they are moving on without you in it. You failing to recognize it is going to cause you pain and them aggravation and that is a path of destruction not healing. People have to find their way to happiness and healing on their own. You can guide them but only if they let you. Again, if your words and comfort were all they needed then there would be no problems. Time to step back and detach and grieve what you thought you had and were heading toward. They are your lesson, not your future.

[@violetsky9849]

You gave me a great epiphany when you said let the information and people come to you rather than assuming and forcing, and that made me realize, when you grow up with parents that are unpredictable, and you always had to be alert on what the feel so you don't trigger them, and always please them, that manifests later in life as this! Assuming people's feelings and thoughts about us rather than letting them come to us first, and we'd always feel the need to "make it happen" about the relationship, not knowing it should be two sided not just us who need to work on this and chase the validation.. Wow i found this video too relatable thank youuu a lottt!

[@mrssomeone2143]

Yes, true. I try to slow down and relaxed now with people

[@Shiekhempathpowers]

Needed to see this comment ❤🎉💯👊🏽🙏🏽

[@violetsky9849]

@@Shiekhempathpowers 💜💖🙏

[@sbaby-fc3ki]

This is my life❤❤❤❤ trauma bonding. Seeking love from those who do not value me or see my worth.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You are not alone and you can heal!'-Cara@TeamFairy

[@CathAlexandra]

What I hate is unavailable guys who string you along, then marry someone they just met. Why?!

[@Blessed1283]

You were just a time filler. The guy probably a narcissist who found something in the new person that would benefit them.

[@Blessed1283]

@@f.1395 hi, how did you overcome this. I have a psychotic parent as well and have a similar pattern.

[@tezenis3435]

My ex lol

[@Dajahgraves]

Most evil shit ever

[@ktw70]

@@Blessed1283 OP is not missing out. The type of person who strings other people along is not a catch.

[@evakatz6351]

From Nick’s perspective- would you want a partner who you knew was deeply ambivalent about you and wanted to be with someone else? I think you both deserve a relationship where both people are keen and committed. Wish you well.

[@daisyviluck7932]

On a lower level, you can see this in the phenomenon of a celebrity crush. For a young, immature person, this is a “safe” way to figure out and navigate feelings and it’s harmless for awhile. But it can become an avoidance mechanism to prevent the risk of a real relationship.

[@daisyviluck7932]

@@s-stuermi your post is a thoughtful one and I wanted to give it a thoughtful reply. If I understand you correctly, you’re questioning whether celebrity crushes are immature? My answer… nahh. It’s fun and fantasy 🙂. But I was replying to CCF (and it was awhile ago, so I’m running on memory ATM) who had posted insights about limerence (which is the heady emotionalism of a crush), and I was extending it to the developmental phenomenon whereby a young preteen or teen who hasn’t dated yet and is in the throes of a celebrity crush, and is experiencing romance unrequited and from a very safe distance. It’s all fun and usually harmless, unless the kid becomes obsessed (ie turning down real world opportunities so they can moon and mope over their crush). But as time goes on, the usual thing that happens is a healthy young person in a healthy environment trades in the fantasies for the real thing- a romantic relationship with an available real-life person.

[@keekeejenkins6162]

22:00 "It's not a crime to ask for clarity....to put your cards all out on the table....but there's a completion, there's a freedom that you can finally stop hypothesizing, if they just knew how I really felt, then things can be different."

[@keekeejenkins6162]

I got zero response when i put all my cards on the table and was promptly discarded. But it helps to know that it wasn't a crime for me to do that.

[@JohnsonKayla12]

I finally cut a 5 year toxic relationship with a guy who was not healthy for me or good to me. Then I ended a situationship that I got into because I realized it was causing me more pain than happiness. I feel like I’m finally starting to get it and it’s so freeing. I’m even starting to wonder if I’ve only been into men to heal the abandonment wound from my dad- because I can’t recall a time where I genuinely had deep feelings for a man. I’ve been bisexual for 10+ years but I’m starting to embrace the idea that I don’t need a man to approve of me or confirm my intrinsic value.

[@spiritwellness252]

We want them to finally see us and find peace and happiness with them, just doesn’t happen with the wrong person. Once we heal we can move forward and manifest a better person who matches our new ideal our newness and who does see us and can be with us.

[@ronniesal7436]

I loved the example of the throne. I get it as holding your space, standing your ground. Feeling self respect! When you say: "It is not too much to ask and it might take longer". Gizz it's hard. It is so easy to feel unlovable and flawed in way that can't be fixed! As if you were really an unlovable monster awaiting for the people around you to realize any moment of your "monstruosity", your "monstruous nature" almost as if anyone were too good for you! And to feel bored around anyone who really actually wants to be around you because you feel they are too clingy and obviously too desperate and distasteful to pick someone like you! I know it sounds horrible but I believe that is the unspoken words the voice in your head tells you, the voice of your past conditioning and your system of beliefs.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for sharing! Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@ronniesal7436]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thanks! :)

[@Lipanj92]

​@@ronniesal7436 That is exactly the voice that I'm hearing every single day. Actually, I am saying it about myself. All that what you said.

[@NaNa-re3wc]

One thing I’ve struggled with is gaslighting myself. I typically attract men who are abusive, unstable, manipulative, and emotionally unavailable. I struggle to confidently identify and accept red flags. I’m 23 and tired of being stuck in this self sabotaging cycle. I can function well, but any intimacy passed a platonic friendship seems to make my brain go haywire and I take 100 steps back. I don’t know how to work passed this. I’ve already done years of therapy, individual work, and all kinds of mental health programs and groups. Having CPTSD as well as BPD seems to make the mountain that is dating near impossible to climb. I’m so sick of my own chaos and of it being my identity.

[@skknnn1859]

Girl I’m 28 and this is me! I’m still learning. Best thing I’ve done is just stay far away from men

[@graceypants]

Can't believe I almost passed up my husband (who I have a great relationship with) at first because he didn't appeal to my "he's unavailable" attraction.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for sharing!! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@meagiesmuse2334]

If I hadn't done the 12 steps with Adult Children of Alcoholics, I would have passed on my good, long term husband too. I'm watching this because I am still hung up on my "Callum" 40 yrs. later. I had pushed the feelings way down inside, but when lockdown started, they popped out and demanded to be heard. Anna is correct that a direct questioning of the person is a great idea, no matter how awful it goes, just so you have an ending to it. I wish I'd done that back when I had the chance.

[@Just...Peachy]

How did you get past it? I want to be with an available guy but I can't seem to let them in.

[@zwerver6249]

For anyone reading, I messed up together with my ex something beautiful and I’m thriving rn so yall don’t worry, make mistakes cuz we both needed them to get more out of our personal development. If we had not we wouldn’t know what we know now which was very important to learn. So anybody feeling bad or getting scared because of this youtube comment; yall good don’t worry. Nothing lasts forever.

[@fashionablylate888]

An therapist on here said his therapist told him, “if you want to find love, date the boring ones.” I took his advice and it worked so fast it made my head spin 😂

[@irislikestosew]

Ran into a person I’ve obsessed over years ago today, he had been thinking about me. Ugh. Our interactions haven’t been the safest for me, and the same addictive response shows up and I want desperately to follow the crumbs and the challenge even though he is most likely unavailable and this is limerence 101. Need to get back into the dating course material… love & healing to you all!

[@desiderata333]

Oh Iris I empathize and relate as I am going through something very similar. I am having anxiety all day about my predicament as well. I dint want this predicament to turn into a situation.I hav been through too much already and peace is paramount I can't start pining over an unavailable person again, dang it. Best of luck and all good things to you.

[@samusaran7317]

If you need help finding someone decent, ask your dad for help. Men vet other men better than women *generally* speaking. It is what it is.

[@nicholastracy4915]

The brave and healthy decision is to love yourself and accept yourself and embrace yourself not in some narcissistic way but in a beautiful, free way.

[@kristypaigetheriot5819]

52 and officially given up and done. It's me and me and that's it. I can't heal the wounds of the past enough to move on in a healthy manner. Sad but I have accepted it now finally.

[@areacode3816]

One of the things I'm proud of is the healthy and great friends I have in my life now. To me it is a signal that I am in a way better place. I had to forcefully cut out a few friends that actively were hurting my life and freedom. It was far from easy. The friends I have now are strength and blessings. Some of my friends have been there for decades through thick and thin. Caring for me as I am...which means so much.

[@ayamostafa5919]

That moment you read again "he felt like home" it hurt. I totally felt her family home of unavailable parents and how he is the same 💔

[@joycecollins5796]

Sad to say I am in my sixties and never had a man that was reallyy available to me!!!! Have spent the last five years alone----kinda sad but have made peace with myself. Hopefully people who are young enough can have courage to get out of these useless relationships but it is hard to find that forever person!!!!😏😏

[@lanlam2114]

Give you a hug! 🤗

[@SHines-qk9qj]

I will be 70 this month. I had one relationship in my 20s that was short but wonderful - so wonderful that I pulled away and chose someone who was unavailable. Raised my kids alone. Then again chose someone unavailable. Have been alone now for almost 15 years and, with focused attention on healing and letting go the tethers of my childhood, have reached a very happy place where I'm loving my life and feeling authentic about myself and fulfilled. But I do miss companionship. Dating (Covid sure threw a wrench in that!) is nonexistent for me, living in a tiny town in the rural midwest. I wonder if the time of dating has passed me by? It is nearly impossible to even meet people who are single, especially men, and especially healthy men. I have a friend from my past, who was a kissing friend and not more, that I think about some, and we have had dreams about each other, but he is married and lives far away. I guess that is my fantasy person, but would prefer to be with someone who can be here with me for real. Younger people, definitely do act on CCF's advice, don't waste so many years.

[@veraslawnitsch1194]

I'm so sad. My parents were WWll survivors. My mom had PTSD and lived as if a war were going on around us from the time I was 10 until she passed, approximately 25 years later (I moved out 5 years in). I am 56 years old and have had limerent relationships ever since I can remember. About a month ago, I went "No Contact" with a man I "fell in love with" who I would call a text- book narcissist. I was addicted to his looks and the sex, knowing he was of bad character pretty early on. I felt if someone so gorgeous accepted me, I must be decent looking. I know I did the 100% correct thing by ending things (he wanted to remain friends), but it's hard to forgive myself for allowing myself to be manipulated, probably since day 1 with him. It's also hard to be 56 years old and admit I have wasted all these years on limerent relationships.

[@lisette5380]

Dont be to hard on yourself. Its really hard to admit those things to yourself. I know it all too well. But I felt so proud of you while reading your message! It is never too late to want better for yourself :)

[@Dori9111]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience so candidly

[@Natalia-ox4zn]

I have a habit to like people who are emotionally unavailable/with whom I start to have a trauma bond due to abandonment issues/who are not there. Most of the time I was living in survival mode and this limerence made me have hope and believe that one day I will be finally happy. It added to my strength to cope with parentification and being totally alone with everything. Now history seems to repeat itself again, and I have no idea how to stop. It seems innocent - I am just fantasizing and thinking about the person, I do not have any interaction with this person and I do not expect anything. But I am sure that I have this idea subconsciously - if I will fight strongly enough/wait long enough, I will "achieve" the relationship. I do not even try to persuade these partners, I just use them as some kind of talisman. The problem is, I have no idea how to put this, let's say, focal point, in myself. I've discovered it this year only, so there is still a long way to go.

[@onelittledropintheocean]

I can totally relate and I think fantasies are not harmless because all reality in life begins in our thoughts. If our mind is busy creating fantasies, then where is the room to manifest real life? I get caught up in fantasies to the point where I feel I am connecting with this person in another dimension, in the subconscious realm. It's all so dangerous and time wasting when this person will never manifest in my real life. If this fantasy person is someone who is unavailable in real life, then the fantasies are pointless and leave me feeling a yearning that can never be fulfilled.

[@jupiterShoezR4Me]

I discovered this about myself too. But How do I put a stop to this?

[@Natalia-ox4zn]

@@jupiterShoezR4Me I do not have a full solution for it, but I can share what currently helps me: 1. meaningful relationships with friends and meeting them to actually do something together instead of just having a coffee and talking. 2. meditation (and Fairy's daily practice ofc), 3. pursuing my passions/hobbies, which are meaningful to me and add value to my life 4. journaling - currently I have a journal for a) gratitude/release/manifestation, b) shadow work c) challenges (I can tell you more about it if you want), 5. group therapy 6. avoiding at all costs talking about my crush, 7. trying to make my life more of a substance, more meaningful via helping others and creating my own project which I hope will let me use the gift I have to help others 8. spending time in nature, hiking, whatever you like 9. challenging myself - trying to overcome my fear, trying new things which will confirm that I can be strong/independent on my own, 10. healthy habits like sleeping and eating enough. So you see, there is a lot to do. Basically, I am making everything I can to empower myself more. Good luck and if you have any questions, feel free to ask :))

[@evalisseblooms]

both my parents were unavailable when i was a kid, they lived in their work so i looked to my siblings for attention. i realized i really needed all the love languages . i felt unloveable so id search for “the one” bc it was marketed tht someone of the opposite sex could save me and make me feel whole again. but i realized thats not fair to them. snd its not the truth bc i alr am whole. but i really realized people are so invested in their own life and trying to just be happy!! be free from their ego!! theyre trying to see something they couldnt see before, find that thing to live for!!! i am loveable!! im funny and creative, and i can be everywhere and lack attention but i am still loveable!! i can give that attention and affection to myself!! it is so much more fulfilling when your source is yourself. building up that reliability and gentleness!! :)))) blessed it be the path u are on. we are all moving forward!! flow with the current and see all the parts of urself u r refusing to see w understanding, forgiveness and kindness!!

[@kateruterbories2692]

Unfortunately, this also extends to friendship and work relationships, too. I have pursued people unromantically for friendships and recognition in work or the community. I have taken abuse and allowed myself to be used because I thought I was accomplishing something.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Connection Bootcamp might be just the thing for you crappychildhoodfairy.com/ Cara@TeamFairy

[@judithargitay9860]

Just read a funny, but almost philosophically to the point line somewhere (on social I guess): "Be with the man who ruins your lipstick, not your mascara." I know it's a bit shallow, but there is so much truth in it. :) Thank you Anna for everything you do, and as a non-native English (I am Hungarian) I also have to tell you how much I love listening to you speaking, so clear, easy to understand, but very eloquent, with a soothing voice.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I laughed out loud! Thanks for your kind comment. So glad to have you here.

[@Larry_Dean]

These videos are very hard for me to watch. It’s like taking the first step to quit abusing drugs. Too spot on with what I am going through. The hardest part is the other party not seeing your struggle and giving you the opportunity to step back. Wish I could stop myself from falling into these patterns. It wasn’t always this way. Wish I could go back to my old content self. But taking the first step at recognizing my mistakes makes me feel I can make more progress towards getting better. Thank you for your honesty and understanding.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We completely understand how daunting it can seem. We're all sending you support and encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@winxclubstellamusa]

My abandonment and rejection wounds causes me to self-isolate. I try a tiny bit then I go away completely.

[@increible0incredula]

Youre not alone

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

A lot of the members come to CCF feeling just like that, and find a lot of support. courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com -Cara@TeamFairy

[@kristypaigetheriot5819]

Me too

[@orangeziggy599]

I am the same. I even ghost my friends. I can't not ghost.

[@winxclubstellamusa]

@@orangeziggy599 then you need to go to Thais Gibson here on KZbin and heal your attachment style! I’m a mostly healed/managed fearful avoidant whose life and ways of expecting things from people and way of and communicating with people was nothing short of completely fixed due to dr.Thais Gibson. I can’t recommend her enough!! Ghosting is a fearful avoidant thing and an avoidant attachment style thing as well.

[@ninafox5041]

I was left in a kids home the 1950s on the day I was born. I was adopted by a WW2 PoW and a really toxic narcissist who never gave me a moments peace until she died. My romantic relationships have been the same as the journey into addiction - they got worse, never better. My 1st husband was a Psychopath and my final relationship was with another one who was far worse than anything I could have imagined. Once I'm in 'love' it's life threatening for me cause I just can't get out of them and if they leave me, I want to die. I finally realised that the only constant in all this was me. I chose them. Most of my adult life has been wasted in the exhausting type of obsession described in this video. My adopted mom died and for the first time I was free. I worked towards getting out of the relationship I was in and managed that a year later. It's been 12 years since then and after being diagnosed with CPTSD, I finally put me first. My PTSD's main characteristics are avoidance of people and memory loss. I could literally write a book on this so I will cut to the chase. I made the decision to abstain from relationships. What I call love is actually a trauma bond that is extremely intense and as addictive as heroin. It has taken a while, but I am more content and at peace than I have ever been. I spent 3 years grieving and crying which I never thought would stop. That time during lockdown was a gift. I got to know myself in an intimate way and to celebrate my survival. I have a few close friends - both women . And of course a therapist. I am now 63 and am finally my needs come first. No-one told me it was Ok to not be in a relationship but this is now my permanent life style of choice. I will be watching more of your work. Thanks so much for being here.

[@jolhdj]

I love this ❤️❤️❤️ maybe I will make the same decision ! It sounds so freeing ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Just relate to people as friends . I never had a good time in love either. I want to get to a place where I left be being alone ❤️ Everyday istarted saying to myself in the morning ...I'm living my best life by myself ..I love ME .

[@ninafox5041]

@@jolhdj I wish you all the joy and peace in the world. I'm still happy with my decision and have spent the last 12 months in therapy where my attachment disorder has been the focus. Onwards and upwards for us both!

[@danielhansen5379]

Wow. This video was randomly posted on my home feed and I clicked on it. This was probably the single most important piece of media I have consumed this year. I really needed to hear this, all of this. Thank you so much 😢

[@freakiniilse]

" it is not a crime to ask for clarity, to ask questions." like wowwwww... It so often feels like that, this is exactly why we fill in and make assumptions about other people their behaviour and motives, whilst we actually shuld emphasise with how we feel in the situation.. This video is again such a "magicalthinking- breaker." These fantasies about relationships are what saved us as a child, so they feel like our safe bubble. This is why it feels like death to us when we break through the illusions. It can be so difficult to face, as breaking through the illusion, triggers the feeling of unsafety. It also makes us realise we have not been true to ourselves, which is very shameful. Currently I am facing a kind of similar situation. I started having feelings for a language buddy I met online. I don't think we will ever meet, because we live so far away, and have very different lives. I feel like it is an impossible situation and it causes me pain. I try to date people near me, but I just can't forget about him. I know that telling him about my feelings will break the illusion, and possibly cause us to break the contact... Which feels super painful because we've been talking for such a long time. But why hold on to something that causes pain in the first place? Because it feels safe and known? It's so weird to realise that humans are such complex creatures and that our motives are sometimes like such mazes, that I often find those hard to belief. Even harder to believe than the fantasies I make about the people I am not actually with haha. Thanks for reading, I know this was a long one, I am practising taking up space.

[@sarahalessa78]

You taking up space is lovely. Thank you for sharing your thoughts I could relate so much.

[@freakiniilse]

@@sarahalessa78 Thank you for your kind comment. 😊 Good to know someone can relate.

[@SoberOKMoments]

Feminine energy attracts. It's supposed to attract the male. When we pursue, we are going against nature. But when we lack that basic information from our neglected childhood, we fear the wait. "What if he doesn't come to me?" Huge fear, until we learn to value ourselves and that takes a lot of work in the area of our emotions. Good video. Thanks.

[@Nirosha101]

True!

[@iguessitsokyungrichbaby2813]

He doesn’t love you. He wouldn’t keep going and coming. He told you to stay where you were. That’s actually really messed up.

[@georgerobertson9703]

Escapeing from judgement, scapegoating, believing the 'lies' of our 'caregivers' sets us free/ autononous ❤

[@mirnaport8500]

Has this person ever considered being alone? Spending some time being single? None of this guys seem to be worth it. Hope she heals and gets what she deserves. ❤

[@MR-fl6ul]

if it feels like home when you are in trauma mode it’s probably not a good thing bc your home life was horrible to begin with.

[@theodoreroosevelt7471]

We didn’t date. I was in the closet, I was fascinated about how of smart and well educated attractive straight man he was. And it turned out that not only he tolerated my obsession but actually became a great friend. But at some point I messed it all with my fear of losing his friendship.

[@indiaandrews6996]

I have spent a lot of time fantasizing about characters out of books and television shows. I know it never will be real but it is a great escape from the emptiness and sadness left behind by being raised by two narcissists at home and bullied at school. I poke my head above the parapet occasionally to date but I end up disappointed. I had a therapist that I stopped contacting over a year ago because she seemed frustrated with me not joining groups of people in clubs or meet ups. My therapist seemed to want to talk for a while and then, have me jump outside into the world. I wasn’t ready to deal with the disappointment of failure again.

[@blackitikatt533]

Just wow! This has been an eye-opening experience! I wish I knew this 30 years ago. Unrequited love is not romantic, it's just painful. 😪 👁👁👌🏾💕

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here now! Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@blackitikatt533]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy : ❤💕

[@fgbowen]

18:21 - "Do you have something that tells me,.. you are the one" - Such great words. 19:55 - "and it's Not too much to ask" - wow. thank you.

[@Plottoberry]

This story about the throne is a good one. I have a looooong history of unavailable friends that I kept running after...sometimes for years. Now I have finally let them all go and I feel lonely as fuck. But it should be a two-way street. I now try to persue friendships that are a two-way street and not codependent/toxic. It's not easy.

[@Queenb_108]

I’m reliant on my emotional abusive mother to take care of my daughter while I work. I do not make enough to live or get a baby sitter on my own. I date emotionally unavailable men and I now am tired of it and want to move out. The damage from my childhood had caused me to have severe depression and anxiety and low self esteem and I struggle trying to find a way out to make more money

[@sunflowers2469]

I’m so glad I’m subscribed to you - I need to be reminded of these points. that if someone chooses you, they will say it - I never thought that was a possibility before. I was probably choosing/gravitating toward the wrong people.

[@glee841]

In a perfect world, Kathy would leave Nick, forget Callum, and end up happy with someone else. If only we had that kind of courage to move on and see what else is in the world

[@Leonardqh5kp]

Thank you for articulating the ‘bookmark’ - it’s cruel and being on the end of that is suffering. Someone wanted to bookmark me for 4yrs while they went about their life plan and said it without any hesitation. No thanks! 🙏

[@fairdose]

This Calum sounds like a narcissist (like Katherine's parents). One thing that narcs do is "future faking" which is exactly what Calum did to Katherine , it's the narc's way of making sure you never really move on emotionally and that he can keep you on hand as narcissistic supply for the future.

[@di3486]

So so obvious…

[@MellowJelly]

Sounds more like he's avoidant and solitary, be careful just throwing the word narcissist around it's so overused these days

[@rahma1038]

He seems to be consistently clear in saying he doesn’t want to be with her but she doesn’t accept it

[@jellybean6778]

Exactly.

[@jellybean6778]

@@MellowJelly except when it's applicable. It's used a lot, sometimes incorrectly, but there are more people behaving like narcs these days -it's a very large chunk of the population. More important to recognize when someone is using these tactics so that one protects against further abuse.

[@theresacane8784]

Lol I saw this title and was like “Ughhh no Anna! Why are you calling me out?” You read my unsent letter to you, clearly. Also the way you emphatically read “hooommmme,” while circling it. Ha. When your home was a nightmare, someone feeling like home isn’t good.

[@MellowJelly]

Well of course it's good but sometimes we hop into that feeling too fast and it turns out it wasn't long-term because we ignored red flags or went too fast. It's still possible to have a healthy and slow-building relationship with someone who feels safe like how a home should feel

[@TaijaT76]

I don’t know about that, feeling like ”home”. I have never felt safe, so I don’t know how home should feel like with somebody else. Feeling like ”home” is a huge red flag now, I know it now. It is a childhood magical feeling of happiness and safety which was only in my mind and by the lie the parents told me when in reality they rejected my true self and my feelings teaching me they do not matter at all. Power of imagination is so strong in me and was best tool to stay alive for so long. Feeling truly safe with someone might be something that is completely numbed out so you assossiate that negatively and avoid that instinctively. ”Normal” relationship is just too alien to someone who doesn’t have a clue what safe means. When you didn’t learn to choose you in any situation, look at the hard facts which usually don’t change by imagining different outcomes or accept or validate your true feelings. You just held on to the stories and fairytale endings.

[@theresacane8784]

@@MellowJelly when you’ve had childhood trauma, even that slow development, which it sounds like the writer had w callum, is not great if you’re unhealed. The magical safe feeling may be bc they’re unavailable but intoxicating until real commitment is required. This exact situation happened to me. We could talk about anything. It was a YEAR before we were intimate. He felt like home. But as soon as reality set in, he disconnected. As I heal, he doesn’t feel like home anymore. He feels distant. Our trauma can trick us. We don’t know what a safe home feels like. Comfort isn’t really comforting. I don’t think a loving respectful and safe relationship will feel like “home” to me. It will feel foreign… bc safe is foreign.

[@1901elina]

Wow. This blew my mind. I'm literally sitting here eyes wide open, going "wow" and thinking back to my mom and my last very limerant relationship and having my mind blown. I'm someone who's very psychologically analytical and well read and it's rare that I learn something new like this that makes me have a therapeutic epiphany about myself. Thank you!

[@MBGuidingLight]

I can relate! Same shock here too. Eyes wide open. I'm 37 and I never knew until right now. And I'm in therapy. Wow!

[@amyc.h5802]

"You're being robbed of a full life" Holy shit 🤯