The Learning Curve of Coming Out as Gay Later in Life

Today, on the Being Whole podcast, I welcome my ex-husband, Cale Underberg. Cale is a Civil Engineer and father of two living in San Antonio, TX. A South Dakota native and graduate of South Dakota State University, Cale has lived in the San Antonio area since 2008. Prior to living in Texas, Cale lived in Lincoln, NE for four years. While in Nebraska, Cale started working for the consulting engineering firm he has been with for the past 18 years. Licensed as a Professional Engineer in three states, Cale has presented his work at regional and national conferences and served as South Texas Chapter President for the national Water Environment Federation (WEF) organization. Cale enjoys the arts, traveling, outdoor adventure and spending time working out. Outdoor adventure has included hiking all across the US, climbing a 14,000+ peak in Colorado, completing multiple full and half marathons, kayaking, paddle boarding and biking. Cale aspires to randomly finding a large pallet of one hundred dollar bills, retiring from working and traveling the world to experience people, cultures and the planet.
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TAKEAWAYS
Here are a few of my takeaways form this conversation!
1- Growing up and, even subconsciously knowing you are gay, not having anyone in your life who is gay to set an example can feel confusing. It sometimes takes being in the right time and right place where you feel fully confident to step into your true self.
2- There may be a learning curve in adjusting to life once you come out, but there is a huge community navigating it all that you can reach out to for support.
3- People from your past may have a lot of trouble coming to terms with your lifestyle, which is why having healthy outlets and a support system is crucial to be in a good place mentally and emotionally.
4-Like Cale is firm on his Monday boundaries; it’s important for your mental health not to overextend yourself and to draw a line in the sand in order to make sure you have time for yourself regularly (and predictably, if possible).

[@GregJellum]

Really enjoyed this video. I am a chemical engineer who has come out later in life. My wife and I shave decided to stay together in a Mixed Orientation Marriage.

[@bobebbeskotte8006]

Very impressed and proud of Cale for doing this. And thank you for showing others the way and that it does work out. I'm 60, still in the closet. Kinda knew since I was 12 but didn't accept it until 55. Live in a small, red town and figured this would be my life. At 55 some life/health changes made me realize maybe I wanted more than just being the nice, quiet single guy. But still too scared to go any further. I've missed so much. Maybe some day. ☺

[@tab_b]

Sending love and hugs to you. I’m 47. I’ve been married twice to men and I have 2 children. I just came out to some people and I am dating a woman. I’m taking baby steps to live my truth. I wish you well in this journey.

[@charleskock6893]

I'm so proud of you Doctor. I came out to my wife at 47, which was a great mistake. I lost my wife and children. My children rejected me. I don't have any connection with them since. I went for counseling and work through this ideal. It's just the loneliness which are bothering me. Never been in any relationship since my divorce. I'm 65 now. Proud of you too Cale. I'm from South Africa

[@Muhluri]

You’re south african? That makes a lot of sense. Our country is very religious and the church loves to preach anti-gayness. Sorry about that

[@clbsprtSD]

You both are an inspiration

[@douglaswilkinson5700]

There are many different ways to Gay. Not all of us are flamboyant, wear dresses, use nail polish, etc.

[@maddiredfern]

I'm just starting this but I want to say the way you look at Cale at the beginning is so sweet. You guys clearly love each other very much. He's lucky to have such a supportive family. Thank you for sharing your story!

[@thomasfrench6552]

Thanks to both of you. Well done and a very important but often overlooked discussion that needs to be part of the conversation.

[@Muhluri]

Good interview