The Majority of Avoidant Attachment Styles Come Back If You Do THIS

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Have you ever used no contact after a breakup? Have you ever confronted stonewalling in a relationship? Let me know what your experience was like! ❤

[@loribridgesweiland3512]

In it now...112 days and counting.

[@Dam-rd9kw]

Yes I did. Can you do a video on marcissistic mothers and their avoidant sons and enmeshment. I don't see alot of material on this. Thanks

[@LeeChrissy]

​@@loribridgesweiland3512I'm always curious...how and why do people keep track of how many days in no contact? I picture a calender on the wall and people waking up putting a big X thru it daily. I can barely pay my bills on time nevermind keep track of when a guy leaves my life. Lol Doesn't keeping such focus on them disturb your everyday flow?

[@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g]

I use it after every breakup. Luckily, focusing on myself, my hobbies, and interests, which in turn opens up my dating prospects. No contact is always helpful strategy.

[@luketimewalker]

Awesome! Question: I see you didn't mention a no contact buffer in the case of after an argument, as opposed to after a breakup. Should there be any? Personally, I'm at 15 days of no contact and there wasn't even an argument. I just pointed out how she was texting less and less. She stopped replying, and so did I. However, I can still vividly recall the way she looked at me the last time we saw each other - 3 weeks ago - and she was so fond of me. I feel like I need more time to learn more about this all (stumbled upon this all some 10 days ago!) before we talk again, but at the same time I'm also afraid she could block me anytime soon. Especially so after learning that her expectations are probably along the lines of "he should just guess what I need" (in fact she had half jokingly told me as much!) and "why the hell is HE not texting?" Also, I'm not even sure I'm still up for a romantic relationship, but I do wish the best for her, she's a brilliant mind, and I'm looking for the best way to break the news to her that the childhood mistreatment she told me about, and her shutdown/ slow mo behavior, have a link, and that there is great HOPE for her down this incredible rabbit hole. And also, in learning about a probable explanation for her strange and at first sight seemingly gratuitously cruel behavior, something unexpected came up, and I'm learning a lot about myself as well, about the polyvagal system, how it is the root cause of this all, wether for a dismissive avoidant or an anxious person, and how to weather the inner storm that comes when our Mark I armor systems are triggered... Cheers - and from the bottom of my heart, thank you Thais

[@alemarja]

guys… do we realise how disgusting this behaviour is? How crazy it is that we yearn for a person who made us feel like they love us and then totally ignore us, shut down and dismiss us? Where in this world is this considered normal. This is sick. It now hits me like a truck. I never in my life want to do a “no contact” shit again, I can’t comprehend how someone claims to love you and then totally shuts down and doesn’t change anything? It makes me sick to the stomach honestly… I can’t believe I fell in love with someone like this… I really thought I found the one.. only for them to be like this. This is so sickening… I hope I can heal from this

[@philipcrocker]

They may be spiritually possesses, similar to a narcissist.

[@blindtiger3734]

Married for 31 years. I didn't know anything about the pattern. Now I am 61 years old and she has left me again. Without warning and ice-cold. Yes, I'm devastated. At my age, I don't start from the beginning, so I'll stay alone. I try to be strong, also because of the 2 adult children. But it's hard. I loved her so much. It's all over and done 😞

[@bluetheminx]

@@philipcrockeryes

[@bluetheminx]

Don’t let that pos define your life. You deserve to be happy and are more than enough

[@SheGlowa]

No they don’t realise this shit. they avoid to experience this shit, that’s why they are avoidant. then don’t allow themselves feel pain as you do, Also they avoid themselves to feel your pain because they avoid self reflection too

[@marioct130]

My experience is that the avoidant will come back, numerous times, but they will leave again.

[@zaclampson6088]

100% This, so when they show you who they are- Believe them. Save yourself the time and heartache and walk away.

[@chriss_volleyball]

When they come back, it’s not about letting them back in. It’s about understanding they are on a path of healing. Then trust can be built from there. Start over as friends. See if they can prove they are changing. Set boundaries and if they break them then YOU walk away.

[@SamakaSRC]

​@@chriss_volleyball yes! If you want give them a second chance, do it. But set your {reasonable} boundaries and don't settle for less.

[@anjahordejuk4478]

this is my experience also. That's why they are blocked.

[@stormmtl1]

They come back or you Chase them ?

[@usersss100]

Attachment theory should be taught in high school. this will save alot of unecessary heartbreaks.

[@lisamiller7143]

So right

[@dennisl5994]

I disagree. I left another comment in this post but to sum it up I believe that if there are all these experts that tell us we are going to act a certain way, or our significant others are going to act a certain way, then we indeed start to act that way. I feel that there is some validity to this philosophy, but I also believe that a lot of it is suggestive and that is the scary part because in that scenario there are a lot of relationships ruined because of the idea that someone is going to act one way or the other

[@LeeChrissy]

Update. My point of sharing this is to say that if you leave someone who is avoidant alone they will come back if you feel safe to them and there was an actual connection. It doesn't mean you have to accept if they haven't done the work. My ex DA will literally not go away unless he starts seeing someone. He hasn't dated anyone since me and still keeps trying to come in, but not in a way that I need. We've been long-time friends so friendship is cool too. I truly don't think he gets that I no longer worship him like I did when I was unhealed. I have another ex DA who is the same way. I initially get deep in, but my no contact game is unwavering. I don't do it to play games or get anyone back. I accept the reality of the situation and move on. Even if I'm heartbroken I won't reach out. I'd rather keep my dignity intact. If someone really wants me, they'll figure it out.

[@LeeChrissy]

@@dandanut5409 no he's been a good friend of mine since we were in our teens. We've been thru everything together. I'm close with his daughter and we share mutual friends. I'm not bothered enough to block him. I just don't understand why he bothers trying to see me in a romantic way. I told him I'm just looking for friendship. It will likely take one of us to start dating another for him to move past it.

[@StephenPuddicombe1]

​@@dandanut5409they're friends. I have a similar situation with my ex DA girlfriend. We've been good friends and lived in the same farm community for 15 years. I would never block her, but won't reach out when she self-isolates. Same behavior with my previous ex DA. They eventually message or just show up after centering themselves.

[@JenGrice]

I agree! I’m in the same situation, he has come back multiple times and says he’s not looking for anyone else. He says he doesn’t want to be alone but he has to figure how to have a healthy relationship. I’m not going to do the work for him. I just wish him well and pray for him. And when he comes back, as he does every 6 weeks or so, I am friendly but don’t get attached or live on hopium!

[@LeeChrissy]

​@@StephenPuddicombe1 thanks for sharing that and it's nice to see another healthy perspective. ❤ I'm not interested in ditching him. He's actually told me he feels safe and taken care of with me and I'm glad I can be that person for him. Admittedly, it does get tough because I love him very much. However, I try to keep in mind that we were close friends for years before we dated.

[@LeeChrissy]

​@@JenGrice I hear you and that's another healthy view to have. I've literally watched this man over the past 25 years struggle, so anything he does, I don't personalize it because that's his own hurt and trauma. I was definitely more anxious with him and made him feel unsafe at times enough to retreat. By unsafe I mean voicing something that bothered me in a rude and confrontational way and that wasn't okay. I think he's stuck in a place where he can't figure how to relationship, but doesn't want to lose me. But he has. I'll still be his friend of course.

[@foreverlovehijau4428]

Sometimes, understanding them is so tiring, exhausting.

[@annaalm18]

Who wants an avoidant to come back? They caused you so much pain in the first place! Remember: you don’t want anyone who isn’t sure about you or ‚isn’t ready‘, no matter how intense your connection or attraction may be. As Matthew Hussey beautifully sais: anyone who doesn’t think I‘m their person is not my person. This was probably the most valuable lesson I had to learn. Disclaimer: I just read the title of this Video, however, Watched many of Thais‘s videos before an it‘s great content!

[@brandadse.1741]

Trauma bond can make it hard to let go - it’s like an addiction

[@annaalm18]

@@brandadse.1741 oh yes, I had to learn this the hard way…

[@brandadse.1741]

@@annaalm18 learning that right now 😔

[@annaalm18]

@@brandadse.1741 Sorry to hear that… sending you all the best!!!

[@sixfeetunder0105]

when they stonewall you : f-ing leave. its the most immature thing. theres a difference between ' hey i wanna cool down for an hour or 2 lets talk about this later ' and just stonewalling which is a MANIPULATIVE technique. they can do WHATEVER they want but you ALWAYS have to adapt to them and they dont and mostly wont adapt to you, always making you feel like you're too much because they cant handle anything in a mature way. RUN WAY

[@PaigeHermence-c4h]

I got told it wasn’t- in anyway shape or form “the silent treatment” that they were having a “trauma response” 😂 oh my bad I’m so sorry I misunderstood! It’s now stonewalling AND gaslighting! My bad.. continue 😂 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@andziagreen4922]

👏👏👏Exactly this is my ex. I went no contact, 20 months in

[@krose318]

​@user-cf6mb6ke2i omg, have you spoken to my ex recently!? 😂

[@PaigeHermence-c4h]

@@krose318 the worst part is I have diagnosed CPTSD and along with it I have blackouts/DID/complete and utter breakdowns. But you know what’s the difference- I don’t blame it on it. So now we’re at stage 2 of gasliting lol trying to tell me you’re “unable to do anything about it” but apparently we also have the self awareness to label it… sorry what? 😂 people who have uncontrollable reactions due to trauma typically don’t weaponise it. Also- you’re ex and mine would make a magnificent movie to watch 😂 🍿

[@PaigeHermence-c4h]

I’m so sick of trying to understand someone who is committed to being a jerk. Let them go. I honestly don’t think my ex realises what they lost. It’s sad because I can tell you there’s no one else out there who’s going to be as patient and loving as I was. You wanna throw that away because you’re scared? lol what a looser.

[@JenGrice]

I refuse to lose myself in order to be in a relationship with anyone. That’s how it feels, to me, to be in a relationship with an avoidant. I went NC the first time to find myself again. The happier, healthier version. He acts very depressed. When he came back 6 weeks later, I waited to see what he was willing to give to the relationship. Now I only match effort, I’m not going above and beyond.

[@Snoopitsa0405]

My avoidant was lieing about almost everything to get attention or to look more interesting and yes, he was also full of "dramatic effects". ​@SunshineAndSnowflakes

[@kme9861]

Can I ask why even do that? Only give what you get? Why not find someone where you are both willing to give it a real effort?

[@coyoteblue4027]

So how did it go?

[@Luis913Barroeta]

Give the gift of no contact to both avoidant attachment styles since they didn’t want to make the relationship work and expected things to ‘just be’ instead of working through their own wounds/lack of vulnerability 💯

[@lindaleyrer8647]

She’s right! Focus on your physical and mental health during the No contact time. Know yourself. Gain clarity and mental well being. Love yourself first!❤️

[@missymcfall7554]

My experience is that they always come back with no contact. Unfortunately, I haven’t seen growth when they come back (dealt with two). I have grown and am now asking for accountability when he comes back; he hasn’t been able to offer it yet but we will see what the future holds. In the meantime, I am dating and will move forward with a man who can show up for me in a healthy way. They came into our live as an opportunity for growth. Embrace the lesson for yourself and allow them the freedom to make their own choice.

[@Pianowithmitchy]

You guys, don’t break no contact for any reason if you’re the one that was dumped. She should know better then to encourage people to break no contact. Give your ex the breakup, and move on to healing. If they come back later great…if not, you’ll still be okay

[@hilkaahlers5855]

Amen.....personally, giving the DA the opportunity to return is setting yourself, most often times, a repeat of the same ole relationship. Tip toeing around their core wounds, unless they fix themselves, only leads to repeat behavior and years of your life gone. Did everything that you mentioned in this video.....and yes they always came back (4x) and now, another trigger, another breakup, but this time went straight into a rebound relationship.....not even 24 hours had gone bye. My advice....don't bother and waste your time, energy, and your heart❤.

[@daniellediaz2516]

​@@hilkaahlers5855 That doesn't sound like a rebound, that seems more like a monkey branch. That person was probably already there establishing something with your partner

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thanks for sharing! This advice is not for all relationships or situations. Both people must actively work on themselves and want to make things work before reconnecting ❤‍🩹

[@hilkaahlers5855]

@@daniellediaz2516 I think you are right.....the last week before our breakup, he was distant and that was when he met her. As they say....time has a way of healing and resolving.

[@Bookooky]

Mine broke off things with me, then messaged again, then replied maybe twice more then ghosted. It's not worth it

[@Nataliehunter711]

Zero contact for 4 years, no socials or ANYTHING, but he came back. 4 years!

[@chuckwilson8162]

3 years no contact Moving on

[@mariadanielaalvarez9458]

Did He come back after so long and offer a friendship? My FA reached me out after 7 Months by social media. I ignored the message, he didn’t apologize or ask for come back together

[@sherrybielma1934]

How does it feel?

[@helenyu3354]

He could not find anyone who is better than you, but wants to settle down, then you are chosen.

[@sherrybielma1934]

@@Nataliehunter711 blessings 💜

[@vt6spd]

I'll work on me. I'll stay single. I'll stay humble. I'll develop myself to be the better person I needed to be but didn't know. I'll wait for however long I need to. She is worth it. I will be a stronger, wiser, more engaged and trusting partner. And if she can see that, great if she can't. My kids will reap all the rewards. I'm working on me every day...inner child work, self reflection, deep nervous work, core wound work, trauma exercises, breathing, spiritual work...I am in this for the life repair and for my kids.

[@7416.]

That's so nice to read, brother! I'm also experiencing something like it, and there's no better way than care for ourselves. I'm doing everything you mentioned and I can already feel a great change, hopefully you are as well! I have never experienced this before, but when I recognized this ''avoidance'' is an actual thing and went searching, I've also discovered I am in the anxious and needed to take care of me If I don't want my future children with this behavior. It's painful going through all of this healing, but definitely is gonna be worth it! Hope you can recover well from it and give everything possible to help your children with this as well! Peace!!

[@andrealustig3547]

Avoidants dont self reflect or do inner work in general 😊

[@andrealustig3547]

It's not going to change unless you do this work for yourself.

[@castillobr2]

And how it went?

[@castillobr2]

@@7416. And how it went?

[@NicolaDietrich]

The truth is that we are not just waiting for them to contact us though. You can have avoidants who keep you waiting for six months and then return hoping you forgot what the problem was, only to stonewall if you bring it up again. There is a time limit and the truth is they need to be told what the time limit is.

[@fairlyenjoyable]

Everything I've read says that giving ultimatums tends to do more harm than help.

[@Msyztik]

Gave her 3-6, time will tell

[@Heavenlysky89]

I prefer no contact 4ever

[@RipenedKarma]

Crazy accurate. May2 broke up with my ex fiancée. July 13, she initiates first contact. If my math is correct, that’s 2 months. But I turned her down. However, now September 15, 2 more months later,she initiates contacts again. This time I noticed growth, clarity and initiative. So I made the choice to give us another try as long as we agreed to certain terms.

[@ah8694]

Do I even want this? I don’t want to be with someone who stonewalls me but I do love him

[@SK-no2pp]

subconsciously avoidants are also looking for people with whom they can be very confident they are safe from abandonment. They may learn to get their needs met through non-demanding partners who fail to require real reciprocation, intimacy, conflict resolution and positive reinforcement, pursue indefinitely if they withdraw (the obsessive types who call multiple times a day), and give without being asked. Accepting attention without providing emotional security- a classic and often long-standing pairing of the anxious-avoidant relationship. Why is he breaking up with you every 3 weeks? You may feel like this is “true love” but love is free and unconditional. Relationships are not. They require open communication, a healthy give and take, reciprocity, trust, etc. “love” isn’t enough, you need many other ingredients

[@_--Reaper--_]

Trust me, you don't

[@chocoborider87]

Take notes of things that trigger him. I use the calendar app on my phone to note down the details of every fight with my FA girlfriend. I take note of every time she stonewalls me and for how long. I also keep track of her mood and of her menstrual cycle. I keep an objective and clinical tone in my notes. I use this to find patterns and things that trigger her. It works wonders. Avoidants have absolutely no idea how relationships are supposed to work. You'll need to do most of the work if you want it to work out. Also, you'll probably get hurt in the process.

[@thegreatlakestrucker]

If someone is avoiding you for a month then you’re not dating. You are wasting your time at that point.

[@tallspicy]

Thais!!! I really hate the click bait of promising that avoidants or anyone for that matter are coming back!

[@P___999]

Dealing with them is not worth the effort, even when they reach back out and tell you everything you want to hear. In a couple weeks when they're triggered, it will be the same cycle of BS all over again. At the end of the day, they're just boring and self-absorbed. Leave them to their 'creature comforts'.

[@rattified]

that is true

[@MONEYM723]

This is it. "Creature Comforts" leave their asses where they are at.

[@tatyt1663]

That’s so true… been dealing with him for a year now and it all just repeated over and over again .. mission impossible till they realise what they do and sick for help

[@markcafebrown2883]

Thanks Thais. We need more of you in this world. I appreciate you and value you

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you so much Mark!

[@Sestriere65]

My wife was never overtly avoidant the first 20 years together, but as the traumas stacked up on my side of the family, she became that way. The affair clinched it, and now she's very much avoidant. But it made me very anxious as well, and it's only through the healing process that I'm regaining a more secure attachment style. I hope that if she ever agrees to work on the marriage that she will start to heal and revert back to her secure self.

[@wendydaniel1110]

Rather stay single or find a secure as myself. Life is way too short to be spiraling on anyone's hamster wheel. No contact in my books, means absolutely no contact.. Move on. ❤❤

[@vickiortega8034]

My avoidance contacted me after I moved. He would pop in and out at his convenience. This last time he said that he was afraid he had lost me for good. And was going to get me a ring to prove he loved me. I told him that I need transparency if I ask him something due to that fact that he has so many secrets and lies a lot. He said he would do it. But then he went right back to hiding things and lying to me again. And then got angry saying that I am too nosey. I hung up on him. I'm done because I think he is cheating.

[@LeeChrissy]

Yeah lying is a deal breaker for me. Exes always pop back in and I'm pretty polite, but it's very rare that I would get back with one. If there's no trust there's no point.

[@nannoreul]

You’re describing exactly mine and I don’t think it’s talked about enough. Excessively secretive over small things, lies for no real reason, and view relationships as a power struggle. And yes, mine has an orbit of women that he has to go to when things aren’t good between us.

[@vickiortega8034]

@@nannoreul mines actually kind of nerdy. But also very flirty. I had never gone out with the nerdy type before. I thought he would be safe but they all turn out the same when you build them up. I'm happier single. I've come to the conclusion I'm never going to find a decent guy. Seems they don't exist anymore. Either that or I'm doomed to keep picking the wrong ones. Lol

[@vickiortega8034]

@@LeeChrissy You are exactly right!

[@nannoreul]

@@vickiortega8034 Yeah, sometimes I wonder if I’m just setting myself up for pain by seeing him again. I haven’t brought up the whole “dismissive avoidance” yet though, so I feel like I have to make him aware of that, because he does try to change a bit sometimes, but if he doesn’t use that info to start healing himself asap, I’ll have to leave him.

[@Eyedocsri]

I have done both with my DA wife 3 mths no contact and the second approach of inviting for an open honest communications. Both backfired. It's been exactly a year since we went 3 mths no contact when we got back she said she still wants divorce and we continue as roommates avoiding the elephant in the room. Run away from the DAs they will never meet your needs and leave you feeling miserable

[@geoffreybester7953]

You need to become a puppy, and keep running back to them no matter what, even when they not there for you.

[@maikelh5718]

I'm a DA and have been watching alot of these videos, think I have made progress in the last year. And yes I have been thinking to contact my ex and yes I am absolutely terrified.

[@13sprintuser]

Are you male? I feel like male DA's are more likely to contact exes than female DA's

[@SeanOzz]

Do it!!! Even if it’s just to apologize to the person who I’m sure would benefit in their life greatly by hearing that from u as a selfless act.

[@maikelh5718]

@@13sprintuser Yes I am. Interesting. @SeanOzz Thank you that helps

[@jozefien.n]

Go in and apologize and try to explain how you felt. Be vulnerable even though that's one of the scariest things in the world. Also acknowledge to them that this must have been hard to them. But please do, this gives me hope for humanity

[@allywolf9182]

I'm sure mine has been thinking about contacting me for years....but honestly... he did me so wrong he won't ever have enough balls to do it. I'd love to know WHY he did what he did....but at this point I'm still trying to recover from WHAT he did. 🤷‍♀️ fighting cancer alone is not fun nor easy.

[@soniaenvy2280]

No contact; if you want him to come back and do it? It will be painful! You need to know your value and have him go in your mind. But if he comes back and you have a feeling, take him back each time. Always be ready to get hurt, but you need to know how to manage your feelings. Do not need to get hurt someone leave you easily but understand they have disorder. If you are willing to help and truly love him, it may work 😊

[@Xiawase616]

I sent the exact script to an FA not expecting a response, but he actually replied saying that he needs his space and let’s talk next week or 3 weeks later (I am going abroad in 2 weeks). Not sure how it’ll pan out, but at least I don’t have to anxiously wait for his replies, and I can just live my own life knowing that if he’s ever ready he will reach out. I don’t have enough time and energy to start something new until a milestone in Aug is reached so I’ll just leave him be for the time being I guess. Hopefully it’ll work out because he’s the sweetest person ever when he’s not in the avoidant phase… Thanks Thais for the script :)

[@comebackata2]

hey i saw your comment is a month ago, how did go?

[@DreamwalkerFilms]

Any update? We care!

[@TheTropics4]

I didn't ever know the term "avoidant attachment" until my therapist told me about it last week! My now ex bf were friends for 2 yrs and he hid it very well. We took it to the next level and fell deeply in love and made promises and plans for our future. Then boom! Out of the blue he dumps me & turned into a stranger I never knew. I am still trying to heal from the heartbreak. We're now "no-contact" and I'm very sad he threw a good friendship & a good woman away. I will NEVER break the no-contact. I never left his side even at his lowest moments. He was the one who turned his back on me. If he wants to talk to me, it's up to him, but I refuse to give him the opportunity to cause such harm again.

[@TatGS]

I learn a lot with your videos, but I think it's quite hard to believe a relationship can become healthy after 30-90 days of no contact. The receiving end might do some work, but the other would also have a lot of work to do, and it's minimum chances that happens.

[@LeeChrissy]

Healthy...no. They will come back if they were attached but if they haven't done any work it's not really worth it.

[@ARTEMIS-m9t]

I held out 5 weeks no contact. Made contact. Yeah sure he came running back for a weekend with flowers. 48 hrs later he won't answer my calls and has decided I am trash. Even more wrecked now than the 50 other times he's done this.

[@blindtiger3734]

Married for 31 years. I didn't know anything about the pattern. Now I am 61 years old and she has left me again. Without warning and ice-cold. Yes, I'm devastated. At my age, I don't start from the beginning, so I'll stay alone. I try to be strong, also because of the 2 adult children. But it's hard. I loved her so much. It's all over and done 😞

[@Nika-je6zd]

Blessings to you. And never know, you may be blessed to meet someone who will love you soon. Even 70+ is a great age to meet someone for care, support, love and companionship!

[@lumendelsol]

Wh5 stays together for ADULT children. It's an. Oxymoron.

[@Nhonor23]

I’m sorry man 😢.

[@sahilgarg1826]

There are a lot of people who are not aware of attachment styles and treat people like normal. They don’t know about these rules and end up getting deeply scared by avoidants

[@williamcarroll3931]

Yes! I had no idea about attachment styles. I just thought everyone was kinda normal. MY ex has gone distant twice now. I had to do some research.

[@susanmackey9233]

I did no contact twice, worked both times ( with avoidant), then worked on myself as a member of PDS. LIFE CHANGING!!! Thais is spot on, she really understands attachment theory and how to help heal , so you can have healthy relationships-to yourself, and others. ❤

[@LeeChrissy]

Agreed. Love PDS.

[@_--Reaper--_]

WHAt the fuck is PDS

[@LeeChrissy]

@@_--Reaper--_ personal development school. The woman who does the videos does pretty great courses.

[@RaphaContent]

@@_--Reaper--_😂😂😂

[@Luke-iq3vz]

i broke no contact after it was supposed to be safe to with a fearful avoidant. she told me to leave her alone lol

[@0Demiyah0]

​@@dandanut5409no, thats not true for people on the avoidant spectrum... Unless they really had reasons to distrust you and be relieved that their ex and their dramatic antics are gone... If they appreciated the relationship and it was mostly beneficial and positive to them, they are starting to feel that pain and start to self reflect after a month

[@bigboss6867]

It hits harder especially if you were discarded around the holiday season.

[@jbaru-jw7uf]

you dont break no contact bro

[@AWA89r]

💕Today I’m fully 2 months of no contact 💕 and continuing till divorce is final and I have no reason to reach out! We have kids together but I keep communicating only the kids and businesses through co parenting app.

[@oOOoOphidian]

Don't bother getting them back if they aren't going to change, they aren't worth it

[@EternalflameC.L.]

It is absolute truth that they come back after even years of me giving them no contact,the issue is by the time they do come back I never one’s wanted any of them back as I have evolved way past the break up.😏I have never ever broken the no contact.Petsonally for me only first few months are hard,after that time period Im totally over it .

[@upclosesneakers6875]

Oh wow, one of my clips I shot was in the intro... haha.. so interesting to see.. thanks for licensing

[@jeannenebetts7185]

Thanks!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you! I appreciate your support and hope you are getting value from my content! 🤗

[@deroforever]

Someone who is against relationships would never want to have a healthy conversation because he doesn't know how to communicate.

[@Picklezzz4]

Idk as someone with my own issues I really sympathize with avoidants. It hurts and I don’t always do the right thing after a break up for sure but I do feel bad for them.

[@ClearandHealthyBoundaries]

I too. I'm no contact with a friend who is absolutely spectacular as a human being, except that they are DA and I'm a FA so I have the worst of both worlds. My N.C. game is strong. If they come back, we have to have a serious talk about our unfinished business and this will be the ABSOLUTE LAST CHANCE WE BOTH GIVE EACH OTHER because I'm aware I contributed to the madness as well. If not, we stay N.C. and I can guarantee that I'll be doing the work to heal myself to secure attachment and better friendships and my marriage.

[@juxtapositionyounme]

​@@ClearandHealthyBoundaries Friend, same situation here with me being a FA except my DA has triggers over even labelling our bond as a "friendship". I thought romance would be the higher bar, but even "friendship"?? I didn't realise he was DA. Thought he was secure the whole time, until he exploded on me, shifting blame and twisting facts, all because I asked if we were friends or acquaintances 😅 I am thinking if there is one final thing I could say to him to not end on a sour note, and am planning to go no contact after that, but I feel our no contact game is going to be so strong it's gonna go on indefinitely xD I am gonna miss the guy though. He was absolutely adorable right up until I asked the fateful question. Sigh... I hurt so much..

[@katharinaheckmann4962]

As a DA: can someone please explain to me why people go “no contact” if they break up? Isn’t a break up supposed to mean that it’s over? And then: why do people break up with someone and then try to get back together? I realize I sound like a kindergartener but I find this quite baffling. What is wrong with people? You wanted to break up - why do they want to get back together? That seems emotionally volatile to me, I don’t get it. No hateful or hurtful comments please! ✨ ⭐️ 🌙

[@katharinaheckmann4962]

@@ConstableCinnamon 😂 it absolutely makes no sense to us. After Years of practicing restraint around our emotions it’s so weird to see how some of the other attachment styles react so different… I don’t quite understand why you would look to be getting closure from that other person - I would instinctively be looking for it within myself. I guess people who are more trained for interdependence don’t naturally do that…. Thanks for the answer… ⭐️

[@sj3969]

Same! I see some people here seemingly expecting contact after a break up but that’s so strange to me. We broke up…it’s over, move around.

[@creatureofstyle]

Every break up is different. I broke up with my avoidant and when I did he said he wanted to leave the door open, but every time I've reached out he has ghosted me. The mixed signals is crazy making. We were friends for 4 years before we dated and there were some extenuating circumstances that caused me to break up impulsively when we hadn't even had a fight (and no I was not interested in someone else, it was a personal issue) so we were both kinda broadsided by it, lots of loose ends I would like to repair the rift. I really value our relationship and hate that all could be lost without even having a conversation that could repair what was broken, when it shouldn't have been broken in the first place

[@katharinaheckmann4962]

@@creatureofstyle as a DA I don’t understand how you could break up on a whim. This seems to be the main issue here. They don’t know what they’re doing and then end up regretting it. As a DA I would have played out the scenario before in my head and only would make someone go through the torture of a break up if I was sure there was no future. This would have been premeditated for months. No spontaneous breaking up for me. I’m not saying this as a criticisms of other attachment styles: but sometimes I feel like they have less experience with pain so they are a lot more irresponsible or even tend to underestimate certain situations: like how bad heartbreak actually hurts. So they hurl themselves into these situations just to wake up and realize: ouch, this is painful. As DAs we unfortunately have had enough rejection + heartbreak, loss and grief in childhood so that we are a little bit more mature around it and a re more careful. We learn this lesson earlier than other attachment styles and become more careful. It’s quite astonishing to me that other attachment styles act what seems almost reckless to me. No criticism to them. We are all humans and it’s fascinating how different we act in the same situations.

[@cookiebob_]

Going no contact is so difficult because often we're left with no closure due to having absolutely no idea why we've been dumped. It's incredibly frustrating and makes you desperate to reach out even if just to understand what happened. The truth is that a DA won't be able to tell you.

[@hollyr.1139]

Very much appreciate the inclusion of the script.

[@Turan854]

Leave them for the therapists, go and live your life with a healthy person.

[@Hackedaccount7372]

The problem with calling something out in a way that's effective is that it's often either still received as too much, or too little and it gets ignored almost by default. Also, if you have to basically act like an avoidant for 60 days to get their interest again... :\ but I still appreciate the idea behind it. I understand avoidants not liking clinginess, but having normal conversation (even if the topic isn't what they feel like discussing) rewarded with stonewalling isn't healthy. Both have to contribute, even if it's a challenge. The other party has their own challenges too.

[@northshorelight35]

Why are people looking for the DA to return? They’ll just discard you again and probably at a time that is most inconvenient for you.

[@rattified]

yep true

[@sarahbright5231]

I totally agree. You do not want them to come back unhealed. It will just waste your time and mental health. When they go let it be for good. The avoidant I was dating briefly would come to mine at the wkd and I couldn’t get him to leave. Then I said to you want to go to brunch next Saturday. Bam gone, too much of a commitment. Called me desperate haha I have a daughter and only get weekends free. I just let him go but I have dealt with one before so I knew the script.

[@Nika-je6zd]

@@sarahbright5231haaa, so true. They hate making any kind of future plans. I knew this. But seems even "brunch next Saturday" is very scary commitment to them😂

[@crystalpestilos4399]

Happened to me too many times already. I want my life partner to be someone who I can trust, who I can feel safe with, who is reliable, a person of their word, despite feeling uncomfortable or insecure! We all have insecurities so why do they get a free pass to ditch me when they feel uncomfortable. I don’t deserve that kind of treatment, no one does. I guess I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on my values.

[@RaphaContent]

The answer is : Love

My ex is not dismissive, he validated both his and mine feelings, but he still needed space and time because my kind of love is "overwhelming" and he has no bandwidth to deal with it right now and can't be a man I deserve.

[@storm4515]

My DA ex is the king of extreme avoidants.

[@darayy6352]

😂😂😂😂 same here we got competition 😂😭

[@erinkay218]

I called mine a coward and read him the riot act and he is back with me now. Lol. I think he is closer to secure though and I am anxious leaning FA but I’m working on it.

[@justinb8599]

I didn’t think she’d contact me again … then she messaged me and we kind of texted each other … now it’s been a week since we talked … I don’t want to manipulate or cause any pain

[@danidynamite2]

Would you be willing to do a video on how to navigate if you're not no contact, if they want to be friends again and you've been engaging in a friendship dynamic? Are there ways of reducing their fears around connection or your own abandonment wounding when the person who ended the relationship over those fears is still around and it reminds you of the rejection even when they're being really supportive?

[@MrDarryl1971]

Bobby Rios method is a option. It's called under the radar no contact I.e. set time restriction on a date say 30mins coffee date or 1hr eating date.BE THE ONE TO LEAVE DATE FISRT SUBDUED INTEREST ,don't validate them ,push pull behaviour and how you talk to them PRE EMPTIVE PULL BACKS when you sense their losing interest, you pull back for a few days of no contact Be mysterious Hope this helps ✌

[@baruchrachamim1025]

i appreciate your work so much. you've helped me gain so much insight into myself and into my friend and clarity about what to do going forward.

[@sadiqua7]

I wrote this script to send to my ex who is stonewalling me right now. How do I work up the courage to send it!? Either response I feel will be triggering. Not sure I even want to be bothered, but the silence is deafening. The act of stonewalling is so immature, and I’m not sure I want to even give it any oxygen. Eye for an eye.. but one of us has be the grownup..I know.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

It can definitely be difficult but going about it in the right way will hopefully help you figure out what next steps make the most sense ❤

[@Cre8Fire34]

Send it. People walk on eggshells around them. They need the truth more than other people. Otherwise, DA stay in denial and continually hurt themselves and others. They need to hit rock bottom to self reflect. Your script could help them seem grow, change - no matter how harsh it is. I'm sending my ex a letter after the holiday.

[@andrewbenson8427]

Going true no contact does work. Please let them go, though.

[@waldensiansylph4869]

How do you make them NOT come back? And go away

[@andybiddle9088]

My DA ex and me were only together for 3 months. But she said it feels like weve known each other for years. We were so comfortable with each other. All we did was laugh....No arguments what so ever. We were growing closer by the day and both happy the way things were heading....Planning for the future. Then one of her oldest friends sadly died and she dumped me....by text! She was like a different person. I would text back, mindful of her loss and just asking how she was. She just said, " Leave me be, im not in a good place". She blocked me in April and i havent heard from her since. I did write to her in June, wishing her well and also wishing we could be friends. As it was only a short relationship i think this is entirely possible. I just want her back in my life as aside from her attachment style, she is a great person with a great sense of humour. But at the moment, she doesnt want anything to do with me. Is this because she developed strong feelings for me, or did her friends death act as some sort of trigger?

[@hgr.7857]

💯 Yes. Both. I have almost the exact same story. Relationship burned hot & fast for 3 mo. Her mom had a stroke. We talked about moving in together. Got dumped by text, no explanation offered besides "I can't have healthy relationships, you'll understand someday. You were an experiment." But also "You're the first thing I think about when I wake up & the last thing before I go to sleep". So... 🤷🏼🤔🤦🏼😣💔 What the FK ever, lady. It was awful.

[@MSTORI50]

What if it’s been 5 months and never did the No Contact… he’s opening up a little bit at a time but still can’t understand or realize why he left suddenly after 12 yrs?

[@volume2517]

An avoidant partner is the one who goes no contact first. If I have to go no contact to get them to love me in a healthy way, it's over. These aren't serious personality types. These are GAMES people play.

[@ichannnn98]

before 6 weeks i already lose the feeling with ex and when he comeback i have ZERO feeling 😂... what to do about that?? The problem is no contact really makes my feeling to that person gone just like whoooshhh nothing left.. People should learn that in life not everything have 2nd chance lol

[@russd3029]

Such a great video and the importance of self care and preparation for whole and complete evaluation of the relationship and whether it's really something that you want.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you so much! 😊

[@madalinmd1119]

Ok, so, I have 2 weeks of no contact, almost. But she s watching my stories and today she even liked some of them. What does it mean?

[@kevtamaleas209]

you have to leave her alone bro i would wait until 3 momths has passed and then maybe try again

[@ClearandHealthyBoundaries]

I don't get that either. You don't want to engage directly, but you're participating in my life vicariously. I blocked them from viewing my WA statuses and deleted them on all of my other S.M.

[@travisbraman4597]

My avoidant ex always watches my stories all the time too.

[@johnhatch2519]

I'm a great fan of your channel and your videos. Thank you so much for helping myself and so many others work on ourselves and our relationships. I have two questions on the "no contact" topic: 1) what is the best way to initiate no contact? Should I just go silent? Should I announce that I'm ceasing communication? and 2). What if the DA reaches out during the no contact period? How should I respond? TIA for your answers.

[@AstrologywithJulien]

Don't tell them you are going no contact. If they reach out to you, you can respond just don't start chasing them.

[@Wotnixsotix]

how long should i do the non contact with an avoidant? how long is too long? and how i should reach out?

[@skillplusluckequalsthat]

Right now im almost 4 months. She has blocked me and did not even read my answer until now. Broke up with me via text after six months chatting everyday.

[@Mysticfoxxxy]

What to do if they still have stuff from me and permanently forget to bring it, i just want a clear cut finally

[@skillplusluckequalsthat]

She has stuff i gave her and im not wanting those back because for me was true gestures giving those. I hope when she uses them or have them around reminds her our times. That's how i see it.

[@Tsan1010]

Hi, we were married for 20 years. We have three kids. We have been separated for a year and a half. I always looked at her as a introvert but now I’m coming to realize she’s what’s known as a dismissive avoidant. There are signs of childhood emotional neglect, and before she left, there was, a lot of trauma, her mom dying of cancer, turning 40, job loss, job gain, dad remarried, etc. I became the villain/fire breathing dragon. I’m praying for reconciliation for all of us especially the kids obviously I still love my wife which course would you recommend? I am currently practicing smart contact. Thank you for your anticipated. Help.

[@ApolloGrows]

If we break no contact then does it start all over again at square one or has major damage been done to reconnect in the future?

[@ArianaMontenegroEc]

No

[@Rebelmutt507]

I find that so many people want to jump on the "they were so toxic they left me no contact foreverrr" have no accountability as to what their part may have been in the relationahip. I dont find that every single relationship should be over for ever and often times people with deep love still habe deep connection.

[@nineangels7572]

Should they tell us about going no contact in advance? What if they just drop off the center of the earth. No texts, no talking, no social media, etc. Just poof ....they're gone, no explanation. Please advise. Thank you.

[@marcomeng3414]

No need, they’ll feel grief at the beginning then months later they come back to find you because they feel like they have lost you for sure

[@markcafebrown2883]

My ex wife is flipping out because she wants us to have a friendship. She has a boyfriend. Why the heck does she insist we are friends? She left me out of the blue. She has a bunch of unresolved relationships trauma. I don’t want anything to do with her but co-parent when needed by text. She is driving me nuts. I need time to process her leaving me and she thinks we just go from married 15 years to naturally going to friends who talk everyday. Totally she is an FA. What is her angle?

[@LeeChrissy]

The first thing that comes to mind is that a part of you fills her needs in certain areas and she doesn't want to let go of this. Similarly to friends. Different friends meet different needs. You absolutely do not need to do this though. Do what feels right for you.

[@truthsmiles]

I deal with something really similar. My partner of 9 years broke it off but still wants to be friends. The thing is, the relationship ended in HER mind probably years before she actually dumped me, so she’s had time to grieve the loss of the relationship and move on emotionally. For me it still hurts as I haven’t had the same amount of time. Why does she keep trying? Like probably all of us, I have value to her outside of just the romantic stuff. I fixed her car, I took care of her dog, I made repairs on her home, I helped her financially, and she loved talking to me about work, politics, etc. She understandably misses all of those things because she benefitted from them. I’ll admit for a few months I kept doing all of them hoping to “win her back”, but after 3 months or so I gave up and went no contact. I can’t say that it “worked” in the sense of getting her back, but it’s allowed me to go a full day every now and then without obsessing about her. A brutal slog of a process to be sure, but I’m slowly getting over the heartbreak. I believe it’s faster with no contact.

[@Cherickllc]

If you want an "avoidant" to come back, you must do three things. 1. Never say I love you. 2. Never kiss her on the lips. 3. Always leave a $20 on the night stand.

[@fabiennebourgeaud7463]

@@Cherickllc it's almost that !!! 😂

[@LisaWhetzel-c7q]

I work with my significant other. How can I have a no contact? This should be interesting

[@dancox3556]

Can't avoidance characteristics be brought on by going through a bad divorce?

[@nuzmedia]

What if we are married and have kids involved? How can we deal with no contact?

[@kova6174]

i break no contact like after 3 weeks , and tell her how she means to me a lot. and she told me that she cannot do at anymore and after that blocked me everywhere... at that time i didnt know anything about avoidants... and i know... i work on myself both body and mind... do i have any chance of getting her back? i know i was her first real love... i mean i guess i was...

[@soldout2866]

let's just move on bro. we did same mistake because we didn't know this NC rule after breakup with DA.. let's work on ourselves, if they come back while we still have feelings for them, good, and if they don't, we're still good..

[@svetikchum6988]

How do you know if you're going through a break up if they didn't communicate anything to you versus like I suppose deactivation or how long should those things last?

[@dopiestbison371]

Exactly same case I have. I'm confused

[@wendydaniel1110]

Sounds like you have to become a therapist being "on" 24/7 continuosly side stepping active landmines. Is there any relaxation within these connections with an Avoidant?❤

[@chocoborider87]

When they are stonewalling you, you can take time off to relax.

[@simonthewatchguy6073]

I want to write this script to my ex....but I'm 3 days into no contact (after a bad breakup where I ended up shouting at her because after 1 years of her getting angry at me, shouting at me, changing our plans for the future etc etc I saw a message where she'd screenshot my family member and sent that screenshot to her sister, who then said a horrible thing about my family and I blew up. I was so mad). After I blew up and shouted at her, she dumped me (but takes no responsibility for WHY I blew up!). Not sure what to do!!

[@_--Reaper--_]

If she was deliberately doing things to hurt you then she was a narcissist.

[@craignason4258]

Why am I the one who feels bad for staying with no contact. Even after she text me I got the impression she wouldn’t talk about why everything happened the way it did and any means for change so I wished her well and declined any contact, again. Why do I feel like an asshole?

[@chedzameki2846]

What if Hes contacting me constantly?

[@Meatp0pp0t]

would you need to stay no contact if its their birthday and you know they are alone that day due to circumstances? I'm guessing yes because its a moment they can reach out

[@soldout2866]

i'm guessing this will be one of those moments to make them realize they're alone. no one will be there to celebrate for them. lol. i do wish they truly feel the void gradually

[@gtrheratx]

love the script. very helpful for me. oxox

[@Deletinginprocess]

How can they feel or want to come back when they are in other relationships. My DA has been in 3 different relationships?

[@skillplusluckequalsthat]

Cause they don't feel like us i guess. They just enjoy the moment and that's it. When you have feelings this isn't easy to do.

[@lizzysugar1]

He broke up with me 2yrs ago he wants to be friends..I have tried to be friends with him but found I'm too hurt to maintain a friendship after an intense love affair. I've tried very hard to keep distance but I allow myself to be pulled back in as he says I've abandoned him. We are struggling with communicating He does gaslight but tells me I'm gaslighting:/ It's so confusing I desire the relationship. Is it to late ?

[@LeeChrissy]

I think the key is to not let yourself be pulled back in. My exes have always tried to get me back, but I'm not interested even if I love them. Thais's PDS courses are pretty amazing to help you through situations like this. At least if you do go back, you'll be in a better place and make an informed decision from a good mindset. ❤

[@noelsmith112]

How long is the maximum amount of time before you contact them? When should you fully give up on it? I think maybe 6 months

[@ah8694]

I broke it a few times I wanted to try to fix it but giving up now

[@devonjahnjez]

My DA left march 14 almost 50 days ago,saying she don’t feel loved or wanted & I am not spending time with her we lived together for a year but she cheated once and I suggested we live separate ..she rented a room and just broke up 3 months later.

[@djann531]

DA’s don’t say they don’t feel loved and definitely don’t want more time with anyone. I’m wondering if your person is really a DA 🤔

[@pnaracet1562]

Most of the time I am secure but I dated an avoidant for the first time in my life. I behaved very very anxious after our discussion with the DA bf. I felt that I overwhelmed him being anxious, even he told me never text him again. I now feel like he will never ever want me back. He said we need to break up, it is not about I don't love you. Do you think no contact will still work for us? Well, the second one is not applicable now, too late :)

[@Blessingz007]

Very good video 🎉

[@Graveworm8]

I've got serious experience with this no contact is bullshit ...you just don't talk to them until they talk to you....if it's been 6 weeks burn that person they aren't worth it move on....if it's been more than three or 4 weeks they're talking to other people and anyone talking to other people shouldn't be allowed back anyway because they already think there is better out there...I've had 3 dismissive avoidant partners they all have thier own time periods but like I said if anyone thinks ur a doormat and hasn't talked to u in 6 weeks..DONT ACCEPT THEM BACK!

[@katherinehalliburton7697]

How do you navigate no contact when you have kids and there's no one else to mediate? My instinct is to give Y/N answers, or as short and to the point as possible....but i haven't done this before sooo

[@HannahCarlotaOsaer]

My ex, who was my best friend for 10 years before we got together for 3 years, broke up with me saying he just wants to be alone. He is also working through depression. I did not do the no contact right away. I am anxiously attached and made the mistake of texting him and trying to help him the first 2 weeks. I do no contact now. Would it still have effect? He already told me that he has moments of regrets and that the relationship worked well, but that he feels he can't handle the responsibility of a relationship.

[@HeatherLetteer]

What if you cant do a "no contact" because you live together?

[@sebastianc4257]

I miserably failed the no contact rule after a heavy breakup with a FA because on previous arguments/breakups I went after her and it worked. This time the more I pushed, the worse it got till she ignores my texts. We work together but don't see each other often at work. She even ignores my hellos I guess it's game over with her for life?

[@sebastianc4257]

I haven't found a way how to get over the respect that I lost from her, the embarrassment for my fail. How do you heal that? Just her continuing to ignore triggers this memory of fail

[@LeeChrissy]

​@@sebastianc4257 heal, workout, just raise your vibration. We can't take back what we did in the past. We can just do better moving forward. Your silence shows your healing.

[@amytaddei8170]

Not necessarily. I'm FA leaning secure. I used to get triggered when someone pursued me hard. It scared me so I closed off. But, if they backed off a little, gave me space and waited awhile, a few days, sometimes a couple of weeks, I'd reach out and let them in again. If that happens with her, don't go overboard and take it sloooooowwwww. Patience is your best friend when dealing with an FA.

[@sebastianc4257]

The reason for the breakup is because I made a comment that she was insulted by and she took from that that I see her as broken and wanting to fix her. From there, further disqualifications probably made her lose all her trust towards me. It's been 3 months since the breakup and for 2 months kept getting worse as I pushed and broke her trust more and more with things. So, I'm deeply regretful of how things turned out, even letting it easy now prob won't reverse it

[@mhamadzeinchidiac6516]

is not watching their stories really necessary in no contact ?

[@wisdomguveya3728]

Hi Thais I love your videos can you do some videos for non romantic relationships like friends such as an FA n DA friendship. I lost my sister and even tho I was explicit in what I needed my DA friend was mean n rude to me after a month they said I am using my sister death as an excuse they said they would b there for me but weren't there made me feel shityy n acted as if i was asking so much. I was there for their low moment. Im the FA my friend is a DA

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

I'm sorry for loss and can only imagine how difficult that must be to go through. I will try and make some videos on this in the future, thank you for your request! ❤‍🩹

[@wisdomguveya3728]

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thank you. I'd highly appreciate it. It's been 2 months now since she's gone. My friend has never lost anyone, but they thought I should recover how they wanted me to. They thought they were there for me. I needed consistency for a week, and I explicitly outlined what I needed because I know them. It would b like I am asking so much. They were so inconsistent n oy showed up 2 days of the week and every week they would tell Me I'd be here. When id bring this up either triggered because my emotions were all over the place they would tell me things like I am fucked up or manipulatetive. I understood it came from a place of hurt they thought I was blaming them but if never do that. However now they have stonewalled because they beleive I was critical. I was upset during a painful time of mine o had to consider their feelings and b perfect I couldn't just be me. I wanted a space to feel free n cry it's tough for men to deal with these emotions openly. But they thought these are actions only a romantic partner should deal with. However when they were in a low season I wqs there for them with no doubt/hesitation. He only wanted to help me how he would have wanted and my ways were considered invalid. I opened up to them about somebody I lost when I was young a secret I never shared for 15 years, last year I lost my friend at the young age of 28, this year I lost my sister so they knew death was a touchy subject for me. He just struggled to put his own ego n emotions aside to be there for me. He stonewalled and went to his room n his other comforts. I understand it's to protect himself but damn I was really drowning here

[@Jeff-kq9vg]

The upmost twisted thing is, they are damaged and need therapy But the ones who are with them end up in therapy

[@romelmadrayart]

I am dealing with a fearful avoidant who could not even commit to an online date. Emotionally there were highs and lows, hot and cold with no consistency and which when confronted sought to distract, detract etc. Does it even make sense even attempting to have this type of person around. It feels very psychologically draining especially if your just waiting for the next bombshell. Can this type of personalty ever be cured?

[@keithubel7110]

Do we say a good bye as we go no contact? Do we explain what we are doing fot ourselves?