Why NO CONTACT with the avoidant is critical

[@jahzah3934]

Moral of the story go no contact on any past significant other that has disrespected you and undermined your worth, simple.

[@aquastone5870]

In that case you'll be alone the rest of your life! Truth is to love is to live and forgive

[@Genci-sj5qt]

​@@aquastone5870 so you should accept their disrespect? Id rather be alone..

[@jahzah3934]

@@aquastone5870 I would rather be alone. Ke than allow a person from the past who is disrespectful and tries come back into my life as if they’re entering a revolving door. There is abundance in the world and if I’m a secure person I’m sure there are others out there. Why settle for something emotionally jarring? It’s called having self worth. Also da’s rarely change so if you want to continue to minimize yourself and accommodate the da unhealthiness be my guest.

[@Ahicksaf]

​@@aquastone5870 Disrespect = No Love

[@irfangumelar5404]

We can still love others that respect us and cut off who they don't.

[@lynneakalynno]

The point of no contact is to start focussing on yourself not to punish them. Retract your energy and redirect it back onto yourself. You need to take back your power For yourself. I see so many people using it as a tool to get exes back. They've had their chances.. Let them go. You deserve so much better

[@Katherine_02]

I was totally blindsides by my dismissive avoidant spouse when he one day told me that he was in love with another woman and just walked out the door and ghosted me. Dismissed. I went no contact without knowing that I should, I was just so hurt by him, the last thing I wanted to do was contact him. I was suicidal for two months. It took everything I had to just stay alive, minute by minute. Now I am on the path to healing. The thing that helped me the most was stumbling across a video on avoidants. It literally saved my life. I now realize that it wasn't my fault. I wasn't crazy. I still have a long way to go but at least now I'm free of the prison of that relationship. I still love him and hope to reconcile, but only if he gets the help he needs. If not, I will divorce him.

[@RayRayNDemUSA]

Choose yourself. Your self-respect and relationship with your Creator and yourself comes first before any relationship with another.

[@SincerelyDanielle974]

Looking at it objectively now, I see how much I let him manipulate my feelings, how often I’d put his needs above mine, thinking that if I just loved him harder, maybe he’d finally see my worth. But nah, all I did was enable that cycle of dysfunction where I sacrificed my happiness for someone who didn’t value it, and that’s where it all fell apart. It’s just wild, ‘cause I was so busy trying to keep us afloat that I ignored the fact that I was only drownin' deeper and deeper myself.

[@pdubs1408]

10 years of knowing someone, 7 year relationship ended over a weekend of thought. A discard i would describe as from "outer space". The non answer answers of " i cant give you what you need.. you desver better i need to figure this out on my own" etc. Followed by "i dont want you out of my life, can we be friends?" Did the right thing myself and said if she wants me in her life, she has to contact me first. Going on 5 months of NC. Outdoors and therapy have been extremely helpful. Any questions, happy to answer.

[@pdubs1408]

@dudleylandsberg1747 not disrespectful in anyway. I hope that is not the case with me. This was a 7 year long distance, and only discarded me once I made legitimate goals and plans to relocate. I'd think if that happened to me I'd be physically disgusted. I am sorry that that happened to you and the fact she came back for friendship after the fact. So blind by their selfish behavior, they don't know the damage they are causing. Im in the same boat as you. Zero trust, heads down building the garden for myself and myself only.

[@ashton1952]

No contact works, even if it doesn't bring them back, it helps you immensely. It's freeing. One's ex has all the time in the world to think about, face and fix their stuff.

[@KVG822]

Your videos have been helping me to accept the situation.

[@walkertranger5746]

He is great! He is on point and straight forward with a great demeanor

[@chelseajackman7730]

Same. He has made my recovery possible and I love him in a non-limerent sense.

[@teadororudy]

Same. Every time I feel weak and about to text him, I come back to Coach R.. Saving my dignity.

[@thepuffinburrow]

Its rough stuff but the vids help

[@YF-ey7uq]

Same here with a s broken heart

[@sandrokozulic113]

My ex left me a month ago after constantly telling me how perfect I am to her and how perfect our relationship is. She has been saying that not only to me but also to our mutual friend and to her parents as well. And then, out of nowhere, she left me over a message saying that she is not capable of being in a relationship. It hurt like hell to be blindsided like that and being ditched like I never meant anything to her. It is only after the breakup that I realized there are various types of attachments and that my ex 1/1 falls under the avoidant type. It is hard not to send her a message and reach out to her but these videos help a great deal.

[@lucasegea1385]

When someone stays "friends* with an ex who disrespected him/her, be cautious. He/her is probably an avoidant person. Avoidant people like unavailable people and want to keep that people in their life because they are unavailable too. Also, they are used to bread crumbing, so they normalize these rare relationships which make no sense to a healthy person. Healthy people put no contact with significant others when they break up.

[@deepthoughts87-d4s]

@lucasegea1385 spot on i should have seen the red flag but in a crazy way was the ex that bad or was it lies and you did him the same way

[@YvetteInnerGrowth]

Go no contact after ending up, let them know youre leaving for good. I expressed my value, that Im not waiting, noone will ask me to be,an option ... Please heal and after that go and date healthy secure individuals ...Thats my plan... Thank you Coach Ryan 🙏

[@atomicat]

Truest True!

[@Hamnahmbago]

That has been the order of the day. He goes silent for weeks ,months even a yr and after he reaches out and how sorry they are. So tired of the cycle

[@chad129]

Coach Ryan, I’m just now learning after six horrible months of being heartbroken and searching for answers. I have been pushing a lot telling her how much I love her and she’s getting colder and colder. I believe she is a avoidant personality. I’ve been searching everything up and down trying to figure out what the problem was. After listening to this, I’m 99% sure. Now have I pushed her too far away now after six months? I’ve been asking her to tell me what the problem was and why she broke up. She says “you know!” And refuses to talk about it. When she broke up, she was putting false accusations in her head about me. She sabotage our relationship. Made me out to be a horrible person. She called me narcissist. Do they do this kind of behavior? For a little while I believe something was wrong with me. And I was scared there wasn’t I didn’t know what to do about it. But thank you for this information. Very helpful. I’m gonna keep following.

[@madreus]

Narcissists are famous for calling other people narcissists

[@rian.segarra]

No contact is not a punishment for their disrespect but for you to heal on your own. But works both ways anyways. 🤷🏻‍♂️

[@bunnyboonot4u]

Thank you this... For the first time in months, i feel like someone has empathy, compassion and understands me for a change.. and you don't even know me 💔 ~ sincerely grateful

[@Palaciosdave]

I just want to say thank you for taking the time to help us people that have gone through a break up with an avoidant. It is not easy and it still hurts and im still a bit confused 9 months later, but watching your videos allows me to feel comfort. Thank you.

[@TheDarthpaully]

This is such great content. No contact from avoidant my ex has been earth shattering but it’s completely necessary. I was discarded, she had a terrible traumatic childhood and completely shut down on me before she dumped me. Still trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, but this was the second time. Like Coach Ryan said you gotta put in the work and she’s just not. It’s heartbreaking, terrifying, etc. but I stick to my dignity. I don’t care how long it takes and I don’t think I’d take her back anyway. Her loss

[@sonsofsuns]

I had a similar experience.. my avoidant ex and I were together for 1.5 years and she had a traumatic childhood too and just behave so different before saying that she needed space to heal and learn how to be alone and then the weeks passed..she wanted to meet me and talk and it was pretty calm conversation just to see each other, later I wanted to do the same and she said she needed the time and space and treat me like I was nothing like punishment attitude or something. Went to no contact and then two months later she was with another guy completely different. So my heart was in pieces because I really believed she needed to be alone. She used to be honest.. it hurts

[@kmduarte2005]

I think it’s so important that he stresses that no contact shows them, and YOU, that you deserve respect. Remember who you are and don’t let them waste your love or your time.

[@sixwestpoint]

Sunday night all cuddles, intimacy and absolutely nothing to indicate what was to come. We had spent an amazing weekend together and after 5 months she was still looking at me with eyes that glowed and a smile that made me feel grateful for the love we had found. We had a small disagreement on the Monday not even an argument and it all started. Tuesday this woman was so cold, so emotionless and had completely shut me out 5 days later and where she once melted my heart she had ripped it from my chest and completely turned my life upside down without any remorse and the "I'd like us to stay friends". She had reduced out time together and made it sound like it was nothing to her and that it was all my fault that we had come to this place. Looking back I can see the red flags that she had displayed throughout our time together. We made no plans, cancelling them at the last moment, communication started to fade and she began to spend more time drinking after her work taking longer and longer to return back to me. Also and probably the worst was that she was clearly flirting openly at her work in the bar and quite open with the offers she was getting from other men. There's so much more and I chose to believe I could be enough but thanks to Coach Ryan I understand this was not me, I allowed it, but ultimately this person was emotionally incapable of commitment and loving me. Now I have to heal, that will take time but at least. She broke my heart but she has not broken me!!

[@LostInSpace88981]

Huge hugs! Wishing you all the best on your recovery journey 🤗

[@TheSnoozeFox]

similar thing happening to me now, fell in love with my flatmate, few months later I confessed and she said the same, we talked about our future together, getting our own place, travelling, was always intimate. Then she went home for a month came back totally different, would never meet me and she friendzoned me on the weekend while telling me shes banging some other dude. I feel like ending it

[@SagalMohammed-ec5pv]

@@TheSnoozeFoxif you feel like ending it do that you don’t deserve to be disrespected like that

[@lyn4339]

​@@TheSnoozeFox ending the relationship, or ending yourself? Please talk to someone if it's the second one. Being discarded with little to no explanation to understand why - especially when you didn't see it coming - is the worst pain ever. But you do recover, slowly but surely. Involve others, make yourself meet up with a friend when you don't feel like it. We're in a club that no-one wants to join, but the point being that there are thousands of us who 'get it' and you're not alone! 💗

[@believedragons_]

Bro, I'm sorry you had to experience that. You're not alone as I have experienced something similar: 2 months in, everything was perfect. But the first time we spent our morning together? Instant trigger two days later. Lack of communication. Distant during text and in person. "We're moving too fast." We spoke, set boundaries, and agreed to continue dating but a week later, she's too busy with work again and distant. Clearly, she saw me as an option. That was the last straw. I ended it. I believe everything happens for a reason. It's the only thing that keeps me moving forward. This was my lesson to learn about boundaries and work on my anxious attachment style. I wish you and everybody the best in finding someone who puts you first.

[@francoisstrength]

6:05 Perfect analogy. In fact, if the kid is taking cookies out of the cookie jar and the parents don't say anything then it's not stealing at that point, it's just taking.

[@matthewmason8982]

No contact is tough when you have 3 kids to coparent. I’m hoping being business-like and only discussing the kids is close enough. It’s helping me a ton.

[@walkertranger5746]

I’ve never been so damaged in my life by her! I’m shredded to the bone and core . Why do I still love her ?

[@poochee9]

You are addicted to the way she made you feel. Its not love

[@lynnemorse1539]

You don't love yourself yet!

[@Nika-je6zd]

This is not love for her - it is a "trauma bond" google it, comes from childhood, best recognise it and move on.

[@Snoopitsa0405]

Trauma bonding

[@cassiewilliams2041]

Makes sense ​@@poochee9

[@MelsyChannel]

No more am I making myself someone's toiletpapier. I truly feel sorry for him.. wish I could help him. But Couch is 100% on point with everything you saying.. my heart is currently broken.. have to face starting over again, alone.. I know this looks and feels horrible.. but knòw deep down in my heart this ìs actually for the better.. I know you are speaking truth, thanks for your videos and the motivation

[@nataliek.7281]

You are 100% right. Thank you !!! I ❤love the advise. Yes. It is f…Ing painful… but there is healing at the end of the road. No contact. Letting go.. setting myself free.. I feel broken… but I will heal from this…. And will be stronger at the end. I question why I attracted this person to my life. 😮😢 Thank you!! ❤❤❤

[@PollyLand9]

💖❤️💖

[@Hamnahmbago]

Same here😢but we're not responsible for their behavior 😊

[@pooopsickle]

what a wisdom .. i might be an obsessive possesive clingy unsecure woman for years to different men. healing opened my eyes that , not family, not friends, the one I can rely on through out this all hell is me. so avoidant or just conplete jerk, no matter how much i like their charm eventually I just choose me first. no more drama. crazy2 chasing whatsoever. damn it. i am worth it! I am smart. pretty good looking. I smile pretty. I can sing. I play guitar. I have cats!

[@marinajones2309]

100% accurate - I'm speaking through experience. 9 months of no contact and I would have gone on for 9 years coz I love him but I love myself far more. ❤️

[@Swiss_Girl]

Thats what I told him too😊 I love you, but I love myself more❤

[@anothercat9600]

He texted a long long text two months after discard, only writing about himself and his wellbeing, in the end adding "hope you are fine" No apology, acting as if nothing happened. "Hey, it's been a while" he started the message. I responded very brief a few days later: Thanks, am fine, ttyl" I did not address anything about him. He will not hear from me again.

[@eileendom5858]

This video is an absolute GEM. Thank you so much. This is incredibly helpful to hear. It’s been a year since I went no contact. It was our 3 times breaking up. He said he didn’t like who he was becoming and didn’t want to change who he was. I had to respect his wish and keep my dignity. He was becoming very rude and disrespectful. I moved out and never looked back.

[@TheMechanicalBob]

Coach Ryan, thank you so much, this is truly your best video so far and I am a fan from the beginning, as you started more or less after I’ve been discarded out of the blue via messenger after a three year relationship. I watch your videos on a daily basis as they help me to process what happened. Thank you for all your work and effort, it truly means a lot and I also like that you startet to interact with your viewers in the comment section 👌🏽 To everyone who has been thrown away like trash from one moment to another: please, keep no contact, reflect on your past relationship, try to be empathetic with your ex and understand their unsealed wounds, focus and work on yourself, get a coach or/and a therapist to support you during that phase, talk to your good friends - I would not have believed ten weeks ago, that I would come to a point to say that everything that happened, did so for a reason and was the best for myself. Let the avoidant go and make their own experiences and preserve your own energy for someone, who truly deserves it and will respect and love you the way, you deserve 🙏🏼 💪🏼

[@teadororudy]

What a beautiful comment, I’m in the same boat but 8 weeks in. Staying strong in no contact, even though I miss him terribly. “ Being thrown out like trash” really hits and it’s a needed reminder of why I can’t cave in and contact him. And yes, I’ve come to realize that he came into my life as a lesson I somehow needed to learn, no matter how painful. I see the red flags a mile away and my threshold for poor treatment is nil now. These videos are priceless, as is the community of the discarded. Very grateful.

[@sierraG333]

Leads you on and keeps you guessing for months while you go silently crazy...2 seconds later "I'm seeing someone else." It's like they enjoy hurting us. Is he ignoring her too and playing stupid head games with her too?

[@cecilang9721]

As the unknowing monkey branch, yes. He was also playing stupid head games with me.

[@sierraG333]

@ 😭😭😭

[@michaelod324]

This is such an educational video, for some reason the no contact videos I’ve been watching this really put things in perspective. I’ve been recovering from an avoidant ex who did a very brutal discard, literally jump into a rebound relationship days after our break up. I’ve just completed my first 30 days of no contact, i’m finally at a place of peace or at least functioning and being able to see things more clearly. If she is to return, there will be boundaries or I may not even want her back.

[@kateaghaghiri2968]

I realized my FA was never in love with me or he wouldn’t have done the things he did. I broke up with him because he couldn’t be exclusive. He can’t commit because he doesn’t love me or anyone because he can’t love. So there’s no point in any relationship with him. No need for me to understand his behaviors or feel compassion or any more love for him.

[@stylephyles8932]

Coach Ryan...I am so thankful for your channel as I have said many times with previous videos - I was discarded in Oct of 2023 after a 3 year relationship over what seemed like a small disagreement to me and it devastated me...I'm still healing and I've been working on myself and learning as much as I can so that I don't put myself in this same situation again...I feel like you really understand personally the hurt and pain that others have experienced. Please know that you are educating and uplifting those that have been blindsided by avoidant behavior...I really appreciate it and have grown as a result your videos - GREAT WORK...Thank you a million times over and please don't stop doing what you do! 🙏 Those that agree - Please send Coach Ryan $Thanks if you can...we all can sense the love and attention in his videos to help and educate.

[@CoachRyanH]

I appreciate it! Truly! Thank you very much, means a lot to me! I’m glad my content has been helpful to you.

[@kcchong-s2i]

​@@CoachRyanHhi Coach I need one advice if can help me out. I caught my girlfriend sit into another man car. I did No Contact refuse to see her and left her UNRead.after 4 months she came outside my house with a gif. Is it a Mistake I cave in went out to Talk to her.i told her No more Male friends.She said NO Sex she didn't cheat.she said I stress her out with my Terms! Next day she ghosted me and is Day 30 ...she successfully Flip the power and disappear. What should I do ?

[@kcchong-s2i]

​@@CoachRyanHFull List of Demand ...she ghosted me Next day and send me back to Hell of Depression

[@birthinfluenceembrace]

I watch these videos not to get back with the avoidance ex. But to process WHAT he really was to me and how unacceptable this behaviour is. Thank you for your videos it's been so helpful ❤

[@abigail3383]

Same

[@frederickschott2059]

I Blocked mine on everything. She would text me every 3 weeks to start a fight. Just to see if i was still interested

[@thisisSherno]

Wow man.. you can't beleive how much your videos are helping me.. I need to come back and watch this everynight to remind me the facts

[@SincerelyDanielle974]

When I look back at it all, it’s like I just kept givin' pieces of myself away to my ex, tryin’ to prove I was worth it to him, convincing myself that my love could somehow transform him, make him better and more reliable, but all that time, I was neglecting my own needs and desires while he was just out here playin’ games with my heart, and I didn’t see it until now.

[@gregorystinette8271]

If you are in a relationship with an " avoidant " & feel hurt for some reason, it's really your problem, at least in their eyes.

[@PB-md3nt]

I used to find myself apologizing to her for how she treated me ONLY to try to keep the peace. It's embarrassing in hindsight. She can be someone else's headache. One day she'll realize she pushed away the best thing to happen to her.

[@abigaila2024]

Thank you.. I’m currently dealing with this.. He has been working on his behaviors and stopped most of them but he has fell back into old ways and we are no contact. So I’m here to learn.

[@keepingupwithnovember]

I know all too well about No Contact but I never had to deal with a breakup while I still live with them. Nobody talks about how to cope and deal when you’re in the same household and broken up.😢

[@britneybesnoska6810]

OMG I just went through that with a 6 year long relationship it's not first time it's so hard to have conflicting emotions

[@stylephyles8932]

Thanks!

[@cjgeminitarot6836]

I really appreciate this video. Just got the discard but we have to live together for awhile. He’s adamant that he doesn’t want to be with me again, and yet he keeps trying to hang out with me, chit chat, etc. even called me “honey” once. So deeply painful and confusing. This video has helped me get a better sense of what is happening on his end and how I can navigate this. Keeping things civil but not starting conversations and being polite but as brief as possible when he asks me how my day was. My answer today was “Fine, thanks.” He still wants the benefits of being with me. I’m not giving him that. Thanks for helping me understand. And also for talking about avoidant without mentioning narcissism because lots of people are avoidant, not just people with NPD.

[@coping_in_copeland_coper]

its uncanny how similar all avoidant stories are. Mine discarded me and wanted to stay friends. But was occasionally behaving like we're a couple like grabbing my hands and touching my back etc. JUST NUTS. After she pushed me away for the 2nd time i left, i ain't going a downgrade to the friendzone.

[@fredslayton]

Just thinking about her makes me feel like I’m drunk. I literally feel so mentally drained like I can’t think straight.

[@bendone81]

That's narcissistic attachment and that's why you and the avoidant are attracted to eachother. Until you with on that you'll keep finding another avoidant to abuse

[@fredslayton]

@@bendone81 You may have misunderstood my comment. I meant the mental strain of caring for an avoidant drains me of every last bit of mental energy. The conversations and closeness she avoids leads me to find closure in the conversations I end up having in my head. Now, the thought of her just exhausts me but I can''t seem to let her go

[@coping_in_copeland_coper]

​@@fredslaytonThat is because your subconsious understands that the 'reason' is not real. Your conscious brain keeps trying to rationalise the entire situation, and it cant. Self doubt and blame always accompanies - "If only i did this, if only i didnt do that, what if i did X instead of Y ". Understand that the discard is a reflection of the avoidants unhealed childhood wounds, not you. Understand that healthy people do not do this. It is Precisely because you were loving that it happened.

[@bryanlewis2279]

It's call cognitive disadence

[@Pinkyxohx]

😢

[@CBB9584]

It's a very painful experience indeed!! I experienced it for the past 2 years.... He fade slowly but I did understood so I kept on trying until he abruptly discarded me.

[@beefyjord8311]

I love this video! I feel like every video with this topic seems to tell the other person who isnt the avoidant to reach out. Hearing that has really messed up my thinking process. But this video makes me remember that they MAY try and come back, and if they do hold your ground and stay strong. I feel so empowered and not feeling like everything is my fault when I did EVERYTHING i could to make it work. Thank you!

[@Minarhenaye]

He didn’t even ask, he had me leave his house and blocked my number when I asked if he was breaking up.

[@ralphjohnson1682]

Guess the female version does this too….

[@tarantulagirl]

Yeah but what makes it difficult. Is quite often they don’t as ask for the break up. They just decide it’s happened and don’t fill you in. My ex just literally ghosted me and stopped responding to my messages and I was left blindsided. No explanation. What’s weird is we work together and he always tries to get my attention and stares at me.

[@JasonHekman]

They’re fucking cuckoo🤣had the same done to me. Now I laugh…but am healing.

[@RichardHodgson-wb9lk]

EXACTLY, there is absolutely zero option of them broaching a subject of concern to them, in the hope you respond healthily and say “I hear what you say, I accept you feel like that, I will attempt to alter something if it’s within my power” etc etc. They just give you a heads up from nowhere that you are about to enter ‘no contact’, thanks for turning up every day but I’ve I’m sorry I’ve already decided so there’s no point talking, sorry, bye forever 👋🏼….. leaving you devastated and they feel absolutely nothing until a few weeks/months, then they initiate coming back, but you’re not allowed to show ANY negative feeling about your devastation at their hands, if you do, it’s YOU who aren’t taking their feelings in to account 😂🤪

[@tarantulagirl]

@@RichardHodgson-wb9lk absolutely spot on

[@smartfacemusic]

Just last week we were planning a trip in Europe together, today it feels like we’re over. But no communication about it and when I try to talk about how I feel or about our relationship, she panics and everything gets worse. I like this woman so much and I’m confused and in a lot of pain. It was magical just moments ago and now it’s a curse, almost over night. I am so sad that this is our situation. Her 3yo daughter talks about me all the time and I didn’t realize this woman was avoidant until I was in waaaay too deep. Im craving her and our beautiful moments but am scared of saying anything about it. Feels like I’m losing this whatever I do and I have so much love to give, I feel utterly lost right now

[@MyShapeofmyHeart]

I'm going through it too and if you need a buddy I'm here for you.

[@anupamaraianvirai1183]

Should never go back to them after being discarded.

[@garywillett6396]

This is the absolute ONLY way to manage this! I made the mistake of four discards before I did the work on boundaries and attachment theory. It was brutal, the trauma has been going on for years now. Don’t be disloyal to yourself, better to never see them again and heal yourself! Love this video series ❤❤❤

[@haydengalloway5177]

You met 4 different avoidants and got dumped by all of them? wtf dude

[@garywillett6396]

@@haydengalloway5177 four different discards by the same narcissist over three years.

[@winningmakeovers]

I have totally healed thru your super amazing videoes 🎉thank you Ryan

[@antonhammer9763]

Wish I would have found this 10 months ago. It's probably to far gone now, and maybe i shouldn't even want her back, but I still do. Only thing I can do is tell her I won't be her friend and try to walk away

[@yxung_nif0628]

I blocked him on my social media. He has my number if he wants to reach out he can. But mentally for me him being on my stories was not helping me❤

[@PollyLand9]

Wow!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much, Coach Ryan!!❤❤❤ You just saved my life!

[@gail-disantis]

Your videos are very soothing to me.. thank you.. its helps me understand him and not personalize this ❤

[@gail-disantis]

Great information!

[@pmartin6086]

I broke it off with the avoidant I dated for 2.5 yrs after I finally hit the point where I couldn't take any more lies.

[@mooreboom2]

I like the way all of this is worded. Easy to understand and execute. I’m beginning to understand more about anxiety “head“ driven and the real me whisper. All of this helps.

[@nonenone-n3z]

Basically, these folks were raised poorly.

[@dennisassini-pw2ic]

Yes And they choose not to do the work to change!.

[@wareaves1]

Yep absolutely

[@wareaves1]

And that’s why they won’t change

[@bigboss6867]

Friggin' saved. Thank you for your infinite wisdom, Sensei Ryan.

[@teadororudy]

When will the withdrawal symptoms end though? 7.5 weeks of perfect no contact and I still get that anxiety/sad feeling in the pit of stomach regularly. Just want it to stop already.

[@ld921]

Give it 3 months

[@teadororudy]

@@ld921yep, I have heard that about 90 days is the magic number so to speak. Thanks for the reminder. Best..

[@ashton1952]

For me it's been about 10 months; starting to feel my self confidence slowly come back, it gets easier and better with time

[@derrick.crawford1005]

8 months still sucks, I wish you better luck than me…

[@teadororudy]

@@derrick.crawford1005 thank you 🙏🏻 😢 have you been out and talked with/met other people?

[@1racerchick_]

After 16 years of friendship and 4 years of on again, off again….he just walked out on me for the last time about an hour ago. I blocked him for the first time ever. I can’t do this to myself anymore, I deserve better.😢 Thanks for this video, I’m sure I will watch again 😅

[@petitcoeur-q6r]

Sending my support to you. NC is the way for us to heal. Erase them from your life going forward - if they come back they will do the same thing. Got discarded by the second time. NC for me - they didn’t have the balls to actually tell me it’s over. So NC is not for his benefit it’s for me. Definitely NC is a way for you to heal. We deserve better than that. Remember they never loved us or cared for us. A rational respectful person would never discard or ghost you

[@Mom_Luvs_Tech]

They don’t care, they’ll just go on a dating app and replace you.

[@MrIowahawks77]

you are beyond gorgeous

[@Mom_Luvs_Tech]

@@MrIowahawks77Thanks!

[@MarkLupson-it6xu]

If they do that, then they did you the biggest favour of your life and didn’t waste your precious energy for 1 more second. Make sure they are blocked. Permanently.

[@johnnycalderon9951]

Hard to replace someone who except you and your faults at your worst but.. she can try

[@basicinfo2022]

Well then it's not a loss if they never loved you.

[@bangkokstevie]

6 months no contact. Not one word spoken between us since she dumped me via email. I deleted all her numbers, messages, unfriended her on FB everything. It was tough but had to be done. Most of my social media is set to friends only but occasionally I make a public post if it's important and I think someone might want to share it. Last week she liked a post of mine so she's obviously checking out my page. Any more of that and I'll block her.

[@Palaciosdave]

I feel you bro, mine dumped me over the phone, deleted ALL her social media, blocked all my friends and family. She couldnt even look me in the eye and give me my stuff back, she had to use her dad to hand them to me. i have been NC for 9 months and nothing at all from her.

[@snuggleb100]

I’m so glad I found your KZbin channel. You have offered some of the most practical, honest, corrective ways to handle and deal with an avoidant. I’ve dated an fearful avoidantsince last October I finally went no contact with him two months ago. The problem is we both go to the same church and see each other at least three times a week. It has made it very difficult for me to heal because I still love him and he doesn’t want to let me go. He tries to make iContact with me. Smile at me talk to me and I will not engage. I avert my eyes. I don’t speak to him, but I still have to walk around him, and sometimes he’ll be standing right next to me. It drives me insane. I’ve left the church at one point to try to get some emotional stability but I missed my friends and came back and there he was wanting to take me in. but this video has offered me some ground rules that I didn’t have before what you told me about him getting help by communicating better and so forth and not putting up with his garbage I don’t want to be an option. I want to be his girlfriend but not at my expense and so far that’s what it’s been. He comes into my world, and like gangbusters, we’re back at having a great relationship and then a week later, he runs as fast as he can go, I can’t take that anymore. I still love him but I don’t deserve that and no matter how I feel about him. Even now he either steps up to the plate and gets help or I move on. Thank you for your common sense approach to dealing with avoidant. I’ve been binge watching your videos, and I so appreciate every single one of them.

[@mrpierce9591]

My dude. Truly feels like your speaking my story. ❤🤜🤛 Thank you!!

[@LianaS-i6p]

Your videos are resonating the most out of all other ones I watched. I’m anxious and my partner is avoidant and fits all the description. It is very hard to go no contact because we live in the same house and he’s a bread winner. I’m a “stepford” housewife and moved out to guest room downstairs. We used to be two peas in a pod for yrs. I will give him all the space he needs to process his feelings but I will stop reacting and being needy. I just push him away further as you said. I made his abandonment wound worse by going through with his fantasy of being with another woman that he encouraged for yrs and he called me back at the very last minute but I was too drunk to take him seriously 🤦‍♀️and now I’m at fault for it. 😮‍💨😩 I realize I broke his heart and since he has such a deep seated abandonment wound he cannot process what I did to him. We uphold surface kindness but anything emotional triggers him. I think at this point I just need to give him space and hope he will feel safe when he knows he doesn’t have to show up for me emotionally because now I stand strong in my own emotions.

[@porkrod7]

Dude you’re spot on💯

[@philipramsden4975]

I've been back in contact with mine after almost a 3 month ghosting period, some breadcrumbs, and then back to contact. She explained it as that she "just freaked out". I think things may have just been moving too fast for her. I've been letting her dictate the pace and have been giving her space. She's really an amazing person, and has opened up quite a bit, but I let her make the choice to do that.

[@annnee6818]

Good luck. But she might clam up again

[@BManStan1991]

This is how avoidants work. They bounce from wanting "feel good emotions" novel emotions and thrill, then, once it feels like things are becoming too serious or they feel a loss of individuality, they will dissappear again. Only to repeat the cycle again and again until they get therapy specifically for this and heal. No other solution will work but dealing with the root issues in their need for validation/fear of commitment.

[@Harbinger_of_nurgle]

Weak

[@sagovana]

Did she reach out first or you?

[@nanox25x]

Thank you so much Coach Ryan, your videos have helped me tremendously in my recent breakup experience! ❤

[@tabbielegend265]

I can say that too

[@berthavasquez1949]

Thank You. I Needed to hear this and learn how to deal and detach from an avoidant ✌️

[@rodneymcrae4468]

His loss Bertha . Stay beautiful.

[@shonamiller5340]

Absolutely needed to hear this, thank you!!!

[@TheVoiceofChief]

I'm glad that I found you as all of what you're saying is hitting home for me...

[@ekstarr]

you have such simple clarity, that really resonates with me. im so grateful I found your videos

[@fantazm79]

Your videos on KZbin and TikTok have been helping overcome my recent breakup

[@SkinWzrd]

Very helpful information!

[@erronymousbosh5649]

Really good video Coach. I’ve been ODing on no contact videos of all kinds from variety of coaches the past two days. This was one of the two most beneficial for me personally. Thanks for the solid no-frills cogent and applicable advice here!

[@robynwilliams9678]

Agreed! I’ve taken in a lot of the content recently and coach Ryan is talking to the discarded person. I find the other videos are geared toward getting them back

[@gayleneflower398]

“Getting them back” attracts people that think they can buy some magic potion, and the people that make those videos are just trying to make money off their programs or for their egos

[@erronymousbosh5649]

@@gayleneflower398 very well might be true. Ticklers of ears. preying on the desperate. I just don’t know that there isn’t some small fragment of gold worth digging for in these videos as I try to cope.

[@williamjlusk7940]

Thank you. I'm doing this, it's the only solution. NO CONTACT EVER AGAIN!!!

[@nande67]

Thank you so much this is by far my favourite video on the topic. I think most people never talk about the disrespect that the dumpee experience but focus more on getting the person back. I'm gonna work on myself and love myself again so that even if she comes back she will know that what she did was wrong and she will not be allowed to do that again.

[@Freudster21]

Together 1.5 years, semi long distance, like hour and 20 mins away from each other. We were discussing how to close the distance, who would move where. She slow faded over about 3-4 weeks and blamed it on work, then when she was saying she was coming over that weekend and was going to cook a dish for me that she said was awesome, she did a discard out of nowhere to finish me off. Blamed it on changing her mind on where she wanted to live lol. She was in a rebound (probably a monkey branch) very shortly after. She destroyed me. These people are very disturbed and need to be “avoided” lol.

[@kidronreddy1671]

@CoachRyan...I appreciate this video .....😢You have explained the avoidant style issue as well as NC in a proper manner.Its made me realise that I might have to do one of thee most difficult things in my life at this present moment. Not a good way forward into 2025 but for the sake of my mental health i need to...😢😢😢😢God Bless You Coach.

[@sharonsherry7554]

Why would u go back after healing they will never change their the same as a narcissist very similar cold cut off and cruel

[@christinefoltz1055]

Is there anyone who is healthy and really grounded??😢

[@nabeninja5718]

Shaken up but will be good

[@christinefoltz1055]

Ditto here

[@promo130]

the last 2 woman i dated, 1 was a covert narsisist and number 2 a fearfull avoidant. but he thats life. we keep pushing forward.

[@petitcoeur-q6r]

You are right Coach Ryan. I took them back for the second time but they hadn’t changed. I was just a back up option. The discard hurts more this time because he just ghosted me with no explanation. And yes he broke my trust. I wish I could believe that he loved me and cared for me but I don’t - I feel like he just used me for the benefits and when stuff on real they just blocked me. If I had known about attachment theory the first time round (over 20 years ago) I wouldn’t have taken him back for a world of hurt that he did to me the second time this time. It hurts more this time than last. Leopards never change their spots I guess.

[@jakajajestem]

The problem is that these who pushes needs to learn that they other people are not there for fulfilling they needs. And this is problem of people with anxieties..

[@lynnita321]

Thank you Coach for this thorough explanation. You just told me how to restore my dignity and why that is important.

[@petersouza6554]

TRUTH COACH RYAN!

[@jeffreybradford6924]

Rejection is projection. Become the best person you can be. Eff them. They lost you. I/ (you will be the one who they lost. The one who got away) . Make them regret their decesion. Remember the past is not your future. No going back. We dont go chasing the trash truck as its pulling away and going down the street. Men- hit the gym !!!!

[@kayladoan56]

Women - also hit the gym 😁

[@Ghost-rt9md]

thank you so much Coach Ryan 💙. blessing on you.

[@raymoundselvarajan4589]

I have experienced everything you mentioned in this video. I am amazed.

[@inspirationalaries]

Thank you so much for your wisdom, I really need it!

[@desireebarrett3193]

Thank you for promoting healing from this 💕 I pray you continue to be supported and loved as precious as you are 🙏🏽

[@joe7755_]

these are invaluable, thank you so much!

[@ajmosutra7667]

@13:00 minutes. Beautifully said

[@sandyhancock2020]

I see these videos and wonder how long the relationship needed to be before this comes into play .. Mine was only two months

[@DoniK56]

I asked about feelings, being his girlfriend at 3 months, 9 months and finally ended it at a year due to "needing a title" in his words. It's a never ending hole.

[@inspirationalaries]

2 months just as valid as longer.

[@jamespt7354]

Mine is just over two months but deep love through knowing each other since childhood I thought this too but I still think it’s valid and any feelings made are real

[@sandyhancock2020]

@ I didn’t know him since childhood but I fell hard and quickly (which was a surprise)

[@AlwaysMisunderstood]

I'd say it's how much you can tolerate. In my case, my ex-wife tolerated my avoidant nonsense for 20 years, because of that, I was able to give my ex-gf 5 years. But she is unwilling to do the work. She's "so busy" with all the other more important factors of her life, and I just couldn't see the end of it. Time to draw the boundary. Enough is enough. I pray she does the inner work. I'll always love her. Unlike my ex-wife who buried her feelings, when she finally had enough, she just bounced, I tried giving my ex-gf all the tools while going through our 5 years........just made me feel I'm not worth it. Ok, see ya, cuz I know I'm worth it!

[@nomadhitch579]

Just went through this, in a situationship, literally just on the verge of becoming a relationship. 2 months of consistent and perhaps too much fun, we spent nearly 3/4 of that time together and the rest talking on the phone. I noticed her backing away last week when I went out of town for work and then she dropped out of nowhere "we have a compatibility issue" Her reason being she prefers men who are reserved and quiet. Her mother was in an out her whole life til ODing when she graduated highschool. Her dad was present but largely unemotional and semi cold. I noticed she would constantly deflect from conversations that were even slightly pushing deep on sensitive subjects that people dating talk about. She explained to me how just the week prior she was thinking of this becoming a relationship. It's so confusing, she did offer a little more info when I pushed for it during some closure but it was largely her saying "I'm sorry I am just shutting off my emotions and can't see past the compatibility" I told her to think on things but she seems unaffected and I'm doubtful things will change during NC. I left her a message before going NC that if she wants to reconnect I'm happy to address her boundaries or needs that she left unspoken. I tend to be expressive, I consider myself secure mostly but this brought back my anxious past tendencies

[@demariarob]

I think we dated the same girl. This was my experience almost exactly. The difference is mine ghosted me out of nowhere when things were crossing that 2 month threshold and a couple of weeks after having the conversation about exclusivity. It's been 4 months now, I've tried reaching out to her a few times and at first she was receptive and short, then she became cold and toxic and asked me to stop reaching out to her. So I did, and just explained that I never deserved her sudden disappearance and am never going to rejecting her needs, feelings or boundaries. I left the door open for an apology/friendly conversation down the road but I told her I don't wish to speak with her right now, blocked her to set up a boundary for my own sanity. I won't get involved in a back and forth.. Very unstable and toxic behavior. She's a very misunderstood person IMO, but has major issues communicating. Lots for her to work on. Wishing you healing brother.

[@chelseajackman7730]

I wish you the best. I've been through a discard too and I am here to tell you I asked God to hit Ctrl+Alt+Del on me.

[@nomadhitch579]

@demariarob Sorry to hear that man, wishing you find the answers and healing you want aswell. It is strange, the high is like a small snow ball rolling down a mountain and gradually getting bigger, and right before take off into relationship land it instead falls short and hits a brick wall. I really can't explain it, she mentioned how she was thinking of this as a compatibility issue in the back of her mind leading up to ending things... But really?! Her preferring men that are quiet and reserved? That's a cop out, and she was just flaw finding due to her emotional shut off. I hope you get some closure this shit sucks man, fireworks were going off for both of us until this happened now it's nothing but silence and short cold responses.

[@demariarob]

@@nomadhitch579 Thank you for your kindness. Yeah, same here, it was an electric couple of months that's for sure, towards the end she tried coming up with really silly reasons why we weren't compatible, like how I like hiking and she doesn't so we may not be compatible. My response was "What?" and after some reassurance and healthy respectful communication from my end she calmed down and was happy again.. eventually things must have boiled over suddenly a couple weeks later. Anywaysm It's just anxiety talk brother. Because they're deactivating and going into run/survival mode. It's really not personal, but you don't deserve that treatment either. They need therapy and healing and to work on themselves before they get involved with anyone really. It's not your fault, you didn't know at the time, so always be kind to yourself.

[@teadororudy]

You sound like an awesome person, and you will make someone a great partner. The right person. You did everything you could; there is nothing wrong with you and don’t let a DA make you think that there is. You’re not anxious bc you want intimacy and a real connection with someone. Sending good vibes for your healing.

[@meganmiles4941]

Wait, that’s confusing. So go no contact but don’t ghost them? I thought no contact was no contact.

[@user-nd3tg5zn1b]

I realize it not me but them and I could have been anyone! He is so dangerous and damaged by things in his life! I am not going to talk to them I am not your after thought!!!!

[@sarahkhan6742]

I simply love your videos

[@alexavila7489]

It’s harder than you think. For me, Me and her are literally neighbors and we work at the same place plus our families are intertwined now and No contact is damn near impossible. Every time I see her my fucking heart aches.this is the second time she’s done this and the first time I went no contact for about 3 months and we talked for 3 months before we got even more serious than the first time but this avoidant bs is terrible. Can’t believe I’m actually doing research on what to do to get her back and get a better understanding of how to work with an avoidant

[@pmartin6086]

Don't waste your time.

[@joancramer3675]

Wow tough situation. I feel ya. Trying to hang onto a hopeful friendship after 10 months of avoidant. I’m Fearful style. My have I learned a lot. He’s stuck & don’t even understand. He’s depressed 😔 hard to just wait. He says I need space. (Hiding away) Lots of it. But my things still there & I’ve a key. So working on myself learned more n more. Don’t think he wants to grow. It is hard, but necessary. Felt this may be lesson-grow after love bomb stopped suddenly. Confusing 🫤 Keep working on self. Very valuable & vital info for life all aspects.

[@alexavila7489]

@@joancramer3675 too much to deal with but so hard to just let go

[@youtubeaccountserio2633]

Don’t waste your time they are disturbed

[@tampaolo79]

Take your time and space to build your value. Learn the lesson. Always stay with people that make you feel at home. Non negotiable.

[@mahvash911]

Thank you for being so thorough and explaining it so well.