The most common thing one therapist notices with Black men in therapy

Licensed therapist Kier Gaines talks about the "burden" fear Black men carry and how he works with them to unpack it.

[@frontrowatthefight2531]

I don’t want to depend on anybody for anything, not because it makes me feel less than a man, but because I know that people aren’t genuine.

[@EricaBassi99]

Some people are. You have to have the courage to find them.

[@Stanley-k7u]

I don't want to depend on anybody for anything because most people aren't dependable.

[@FatherDIVINE.]

​@@Stanley-k7usquare bizness

[@stinedange9152]

That may be true to an extent, but that’s how you end up feeling isolated and lonely…which is exactly what he’s talking about. Trusting and depending on others takes vulnerability, which is the real thing men are afraid of

[@anewwaveanewbeginning3606]

@@stinedange9152the root cause is shaming and belittling when you reveal your problems, not vulnerability. What a ignorant comment

[@stavroulaantoniou9898]

Hyper independance can be a symptom of trauma. Being let down constantly by those who are supposed to protect you. You learn not to rely on anyone for fear of being let down.

[@tracyharris225]

As a woman I had no idea hyper independence exhibited itself this way in our men. I promise to be more attentive y'all. You are not alone. We SHOULD be able to rely and even depend on each other. We love y'all. ❤

[@tanzoniaflakes5068]

This sounds like how I feel about being "a strong Black woman". Hyper independence is definitely a sign of not having a trusted support system.

[@marathonmarley6550]

Wrong. We don’t want it to be weaponized against us in the future so we grin and bear it

[@opensource296]

Yep

[@ldaialoguedicaprio]

And at ANY point...it is ALWAYS weaponized.

[@yehooyahoo6861]

Yall literally hold the entire black community hostage with your fragile egos. Stop the cap baby.

[@MsBrown-ey2sc]

....aaannnnd exert those emotions on innocent people without yall realizing it. Not good to hold it in, it hurts you more than do any good. Talk to someone, I hope you find healing and develop that peace in your heart love ❤

[@ericaadkins3383]

Yes, and this often leads to becoming intolerable people.

[@dre61986]

Men in general ive learned not to tell anyone shit people is hard but i keep everything to myself

[@insomthegreat]

As you should.

[@brianscott3503]

When you are a young black man growing up in the hood your number one goal is to survive…if you are “vulnerable” it could cost you your life. Also, you learn at a very early age that if you don't look out for yourself then no one else will.

[@xoxo-vp7ww]

People will let you down and use your pain for pleasure and sometimes you going through something because of someone’s secret agenda against you. All I can say is that anyone who has genuine people in their lives are blessed with more than what money can buy. Fr.

[@misir7482]

Men, generationally, have been taught to not cry, not show emotion, not show vulnerability etc. It diminishes who he could be in relationships, friendships, partnerships and so on. Can you imagine, if the pre-judgement of what a 'Man' is changed to include tears and hugs and speaking his personal thoughts without shame or embarrassment? Just fully embracing all of his flaws, faults and doubts and triumphs.... Simply beautiful ❤️

[@LutherPittman]

Not that. People make you feel like that that's why. Nobody care most of the time or make you feel that way.

[@authenticallyzenful]

That’s all men. Men lean on their own understanding. They don’t wanna take the opinion or the support of the woman. They want to think that they know everything and their job to the woman is the only tell her what she’s doing wrong.

[@browneyez1559]

I want to see an old black therapist that is in a good place emotionally

[@jelemil]

Generally you want someone with 10 years experience in the medical field they have matured in their craft while staying up on the latest research and methods

[@paulwilliams469]

Some of the comments hit home, I'm going through this now. That's how I feel about sharing my problems with anyone because I know how they'll treat me ,like a burden. 😔😔

[@marieh9078]

Not just a Black man thing but a Black (single) woman thing too! He's hitting the nail on the head...being a burden symbolizes dependency, weakness (not being strong) and we pride ourselves on being strong.

[@lornegreen6755]

You’re not wrong, but we ain’t talking about women. So shut up and listen

[@kojoefante]

Ma’am please . You have no idea what he’s talking about ..

[@lornegreen6755]

@@marieh9078 but this ain’t about black women tho. So shush

[@marieh9078]

@@lornegreen6755 no divisiveness is intended by my statement. Go in peace.

[@21tyson55]

This is a huge thing in the black community for women and men. We’re taught at a young age to be hyper independent and strong which usually is our demise. This is an issue women and men share, but unfortunately our men are so full of trauma and mommy issues that we’ll never come together to work towards this, as you can see by the replies above me. Instead of coming together we’d rather be emotional and argue over who’s the victim more. It’s a curse

[@Clubbiltmogol]

For some of us it’s not about being a burden or depending on anyone. It’s about not having to go through the possible betrayal or strenuous process of ppl thinking what’s best for you and not really knowing at all what’s best for themselves. Sometimes you gotta let God have it and be patient till the tides change 🤷🏾‍♂️💪🏾😤

[@justsaying9545]

I always tell folks this: If you were a Diabetic, would you not change your diet or take the pill or insulin? If you don't, you know you could go blind, lose toes, feet and legs and die. If you have high blood pressure, if you don't get on meds, it's gonna be strokes, heart attack and death right. So if you have an issue with your mind, which is your brain, an important part of your body that helps control everything and how you think and react, why not speak to a doctor or therapist to treat your mind and get balanced, cause if left untreated it still can end in death of your spirit. Death occurs if left untreated across the board.

[@saffylllama5609]

A lot of men flat out refuse to do anything about managing their mental health while at the same time blaming others for failing to support them .

[@rekkidink]

I just figure, everyone’s dealing with life, I don’t want to add to theirs if it’s my negative.

[@rebrccabryant6109]

That's works when you're strong . We all have this feeling I go to God.The Bible tells of many ideas, problems, different things we come in contact. The different conflicts men are faced with. But one thing I would like to say. God gave men a helper . That helper is the woman. You weren't created to be alone. God created a man and the man was to have a family. A man will grow old. Your family will love you unconditional. ❤❤❤❤❤

[@lozannamohabeer8398]

I am a woman, and I feel that way because I know they are a lot of people who do not really care about your issues, problems, insecurities, or anything that out of their norm. And I am aware others may be and are going through things too, so I keep silent and bare it, cause when I did tell, they either change the subject or you get a quick do not worry, things will get better and you will not hear from them a long long time after that.

[@CraftyFingers17]

These thoughts, emotions, and feelings are not relegated to only black men. People of any race,gender,culture, or ethnicity may experience these psychological/emotional issues. We, as humans/people, are all connected. We can choose how we separate ourselves from other's, in the way we interpret and live our lives. Basically, are you being your true authentic self? Or, living your life, how others want you to be? Or you want other's to see you? Who's life are you living? ❤Namaste❤

[@Alleymurphy-ge6ek]

Black Americans definitely got the most mental health problems in the world we suffered we watch things on TV with our people we was destroyed by everybody and we still the greatest people on the face of the planet black love black unity, black strength, black power❤️🙏🏾💯👑

[@larrywatson9200]

A lot of times it comes from when you .were young and had problems u.came to.ur parent or a love one u highly respected and the hurt u more the the priblem was hurting u.by what they said 2 u so.to.protect urself u just stuff stuff it and and be quite not knowing that its dragging you slowly down into.depression anger trust issues and a lot of other problems thst will.mess u and ur life up

[@johnlindsay7301]

I think what people in this situation need to learn is that it can be helpful and healing to be that someone you talk to and unpack your troubles to.

[@ahocker92]

That’s a lot of ppl rn

[@nalaesi7389]

We all struggle. Get your shit together and keep it moving. Everybody tryna be saved these days

[@allemoney]

Yeah but you tell people and they either can’t help, won’t help, dismiss your feelings, or make shit worse.

[@kojoefante]

That’s just men in General

[@jaysonteixeria195]

Ya what a weird specification, theres different problems between men who are black, white, asian, etc but this is such a common general man issue. Im guessing hes a therapist, maybe he only sees black men really idk but definitely not a black only issue.

[@swanm3ta850]

It’s not what we think, it’s what always happens when you open up to people. You’ll be perceived as weak, less of a man, or crazy. So for me, I talk to myself and give myself advice.

[@anewwaveanewbeginning3606]

Yh but when women start losing respect for you over that, you learn to make it work really quick

[@Di-Di-xm9lc]

To add to that. When you have been let down a lot. You are in a vulnerable place. The last thing you want or need to hear is someone say they cannot support you. From the place where you are. That could break you. So that is another reason they may isolate.

[@gigiamharic468]

you don’t have to tell anyone your problems

[@captcontrol]

Shid, I'm doing that exact thing right now. Just loke he describes it.

[@metaLungiez]

Me too, brother. 😢

[@fixitladie]

My Dad told me that exact thing about a year ago. This has been him his whole life. He's not ok.

[@A87-p1l]

More men need to go to therapy and see MEN therapist. It sucks that they feel like they can’t depend on anyone or that their worries don’t matter. Women also need to do better at creating a space because 9x outta 10 your man won’t just come out and reveal how he feels. So asking him and having a safe space to allow him will help. But men are problem solvers so I think that more men need “men spaces” to not only help but also create a solution to help them as well.

[@greatblackness3449]

Truth

[@joeccrzy]

White men as well! Strength is “EVERYTHING” as a Man! Show a need for help or being unsure and fingers get pointed and whispers start instead of helping out and supporting another Man! 💪🏼

[@JustUdoro]

❤️💯

[@shola7987]

Black women do this too

[@TheGroovemovie]

This is true.

[@KLOVE-pj3to]

Common in the black community as a whole. Mostly among men, single parents men/women , and singles without children

[@tommyjoe136]

I'm NOT telling a soul about my problems ESPECIALLY a woman. I take all my problems to God, & move in silence.

[@moniqueflowers8903]

Women feel like that to 😞

[@metaLungiez]

Really? All I see on social media is women asking other people to pay their bills for them.

[@soulsistah5738]

Yuppp at 31 I just started asking my mother for money awhile back whenever times were tough and expressed how I felt .

[@jon-fn7ob]

Some way some how women are always going to make things about them

[@moniqueflowers8903]

​​​@@metaLungiez Well making it about Us🤷🏾‍♀️ that has nothing to do with feeling Overwhelmed in regards to things that are going on in each Individuals life and Men or Women. At some point we all need some one to talk to if its a friend or Professional. Your Mental health, Is for everyone.

[@brianscott3503]

Women have no idea how hard it is to grow up as a black man in the U.S. We have no support system and if you are not good-looking or successful you are going to struggle. Women on the other hand can be average-looking and broke and still find a man to take care of her and her children. When was the last time you saw an average looking broke black man get assistance from anybody. NEVER!!!

[@wquinonez1477]

This is a human issue where their past didn’t support them in being all of who they are.

[@anthonymcken6050]

Sometimes its not about being a burden its about trust. Sorry to say but I don't trust a single BP.

[@SpiritualLifeCoach43]

Everybody needs help at some point.

[@dejiokusanya8312]

You also don’t want people worrying about you.

[@saffylllama5609]

Is it not other men that promote this standard?

[@Dasmithstonian42]

Not less than a man just always in a position where you’re chasing…

[@pizzamanfitness]

Message…

[@EggheadJr1]

I'm tired of people talking about this problem. No one wants to fix it. It's like playing spades... The same people who clown you for not knowing how, refuse to teach anyone.

[@turangatohiariki3042]

Burden or shame

[@lukewarm4309]

Facts

[@Ambercsi]

Well, that must be common amongst male and female white people because I do the same thing every damn day. It’s really no big deal you gotta handle all your own shit yourself..

[@senaidarivera5058]

You can’t just go and write out tell anybody what you’re going through or your problems people are untrustworthy some people you’ll use what you say and post it. You look like you’re crazy or they will tell other people and change it around. This is why most men don’t say anythingit’s hard to find someone who truly understands what you’re going through and keep it private because they respect you and what you’re telling them are sensitive issues that you have that shouldn’t be spread all around for everyone to hear

[@saffylllama5609]

Try telling your therapist that's their job and it's confidential.

[@WendallScott8414]

No, perhaps it's not enough to present to someone else, maybe I don't feel overwhelmed and want to work it out myself. Perhaps, I have trust issues and have decided to finally, put GOD/The Universe first and work through my own difficulties, on my own terms. I have denoted only a few variables and I am with absolute certainty, that the list may very well have more entries. As far as feeling,"less than", I think that most, not all, Black Men are more than equipped, to figure it out. We know what we are doing and have an idea of the rewards, risks and consequences of our actions. Circumstances, the environment, interactions, information etc. are all relevant.

[@oliverpalmer3517]

🏹🔥🔥🔥

[@TimO8157]

Most men have this issue. Particularly in the West. We might have more men to relate to if we just lost the racial lens.

[@yehooyahoo6861]

Right except when pink men break down and hurt someone, yall take him to burger king. When it’s a black man there are actually consequences.

[@TimO8157]

@@yehooyahoo6861 I am black and my perspective is that if I’m fair and true to myself then I don’t have to worry about what some white people do or have done throughout history.

[@saffylllama5609]

So you're upset that you can't traumatize and hurt others free of consequences, interesting 🤔.

[@TimO8157]

@@saffylllama5609 how the fuck did you get that from what I said?!?

[@saffylllama5609]

@@TimO8157 my bad I was responding to @yehoo

[@McGatts]

No one cares about your problems because they have problems of their own

[@cornelldavis6703]

It has to work because there is no help for BM u all u got !!

[@globalgogetter4469]

Because people treat you like SHIT in this culture and country ehen you do. Ask 100 Blackmen that.

[@avibeontherun]

As a bw I feel the same

[@cheeph1]

Bc nobody cares.

[@Ms.LadyHey]

💛💛💛