The most important thing you can do to make a relationship work | 7 Principles | Dr. John Gottman

[@brendagalluzzo5959]

I bought 2 books, Eight Dates and The Seven Principals To Making A Marriage. These books have changed the way I think and feel about relationships, it has shown me the mistakes I have been making and how to correct them, so that I can have a happy healthy relationship. These books will change your life.

[@doymon]

Nice, thanks! Have just ordered both on Audible

[@evejan7116]

We must take personal responsibility. We can't change the circumstances but we can change ourselves.

[@artalfonso9125]

You have made a huge impact to the lives of many. I salute you sir

[@AndreaCairella]

Thank you for sharing this helpful video. As a couples counselor, I agree that you have to accept influence in a relationship in order to make a relationship work . I would love to have Dr. John Gottman on my radio show, Relationship Lovecast, to discuss how his techniques have helped millions reach their true potential in their relationship.

[@goproprim0332]

Wow thank you Dr. Gottman. This is very helpful!

[@Pureimagination200]

I have been married 29 years and have done all four housemans from time to time. So has my husband. We are both surprised we are still married. We realized we are both so emotionally unhealthy from our childhoods we aren’t healthy enough to leave each other ( for now). We have good times, just got back from Europe but my husband does things that make me angry or anxious and we fight about it at home or on vacation. I don’t trust him since he had a minor relationship transgression a couple of years ago and since then I had more contempt for him and he gets defensive when I talk about it. Only time will tell. We have two grown kids and so much invested in outside finances that the divorce would be long and expensive. I hope to stay married but I think he will be stupid and do something to end it.

[@dominiknewfolder2196]

I understand. If he only knew how nasty he behaves your marriage will be finally awesome 😂

[@bernadettenaguiat]

Yes, accountability!

[@donnaallgaier-lamberti3933]

Does it not take two people to WANT to make a relationship work? In my experience one person cannot do it alone.

[@TheGottmanInstitute]

This blog post helps address that question: www.gottman.com/blog/help-my-partner-wont-go-to-therapy/

[@brqbui]

This needs to be in a short or a reel

[@Matthew8473]

The essence of this content is intellectually stimulating. A book with akin messages offered a transformative experience. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint

[@Bonasita2]

Didn't work for me. I admitted to my husband the problems that I caused that led to the decline of our marriage, I apologized for them and he cheated on me two hours later. Again.

[@thingsofinterest603]

You understand this isn't a fix all solution right? Just because a person shares fault doesn't mean things magically are better, they're talking about this in the greater context of the relationship. If there are already significant issues regarding broken trust there are a myriad of things that may complicate the situation. These talks are not substitutes for therapy.

[@Bonasita2]

@@thingsofinterest603 I just said it didn't work for me. The rest is conjecture on your part.

[@dominiknewfolder2196]

My ex-wife tried this approach too. "I apologized, why don't you behave like you should?" It was too late because of my guilt feelings. I wasn't able to feel at ease around her. I preferred to distance myself because of stress and hypervigilance. Trust was totally broken. If you don't believe that he is worth doing something, he will feel it immediately. Would you enjoy a gift when a person gives it while regretting doing that?

[@katrinahotai3788]

Regardless of what you say I do agree to a degree. Cheating on someone 2 hours later is just wrong ​@dominiknewfolder2196

[@rodan2852]

2 minutes well spent 😊👍

[@Twister051]

For men: "Accepting influence from your wife". For woman: "Admitting when you're wrong." I don't know about the first....maybe I haven't done enough of that yet. Bad on me. I can say for CERTAIN the second one is true.

[@immers2410]

Is he not presuming that both partners are emotionally healthy, rational, reasonable people?

[@marksatterfield]

I agree. After going through the Gottman program, there are extreme missing components of their analysis.

[@immers2410]

@@marksatterfield thanks. You’d expect there to be consideration of personality differences along well-established lines such as the big 5 or HEXACO, maybe analysis of dark triad traits etc, or at the very least looking at clinically recognised personality disorders, such as NPD and BPD

[@elise9537]

well they seem to be when they start a relationship.. they just tune out after a while and they simply hate/ despise each other after a while. no amount of of therapy is going to retune them

[@dominiknewfolder2196]

Yep. It's the best advice. Just look on women's reaction: "What about him taking responsibility and blame?" 😄

[@jeanettekniebusch9532]

Even if its not true. One person CAN screw things up all themselves just by being a jurk having a bad yelling attitude every time they interact w the spouce Ive seen it first hand.Takes 2 is a stupid expression unless you mean it takes two not 1 person to put effort and positive energy into a relationship.

[@Shlomotion925]

Yea, I hear this takes 2 thing all the time from my friends, but it also means that there is accountability and personal responsibility and desire to change. You cannnot force someone to change. If they dont want to do the work. it only takes them to screw the relationship up.

[@thingsofinterest603]

Remarkable how it's always the other person screwing things up yet you married them? Were they like that before marriage and you still went ahead with it, or did something happen and there was a breakdown in the relationship?

[@DelusionDispeller]

I hate taking ownership when I honestly was NOT half of the problem!

[@QuickProgramming]

you're ALWAYS half of the problem because you're half of the relationship. Recognizing that is the first step to humbling yourself and accepting some responsibility

[@DelusionDispeller]

@@QuickProgramming well I guess I'm doomed then because no I am not always half of the problem. I don't concur

[@QuickProgramming]

@@DelusionDispeller if you dont accept that, then indeed you're doomed. We have a saying in africa, which roughly translates to "two buttocks will always rub against each other". its not one that rubs but both. So whether you know it or not, you're part of the problem and if you dont recognize that, relationships will be hard for you, if not impossible

[@thesetruths1404]

People should take their fair share of the mistakes and wrongs. Don't over-claim, and don't under-claim. But, sometimes the person who has done better will have to do just as much as work as the wrong-doer to stay in the relationship and enable both to be happy.

[@Pureimagination200]

Yes my husband makes me apologize for stuff I didn’t do or say. He learned this from his mother growing up. She made him apologize all the time so now I do it for him. I never mean my apology.

[@aziztherealone441]

This is the most true thing about what a man wants. When a girl shares the fault

[@michelezide3257]

Where is the FOR WHAT? Why would a women share the fault without knowing what for? I find this difficult to understand as it “stands alone”

[@aziztherealone441]

@@michelezide3257 watch the video. He says that women should admit their faults and share the fault with a half part of it because women have difficulty admitting their shortcomings.

[@Bettyy0]

Leave him.

[@thingsofinterest603]

​@@michelezide3257If they can't figure that out then they need to do some serious self evaluation. Defaulting fault to the partner is how a person becomes insufferable.

[@davidfate9383]

what about men taking accountability? Seems a little one-sided.

[@dominiknewfolder2196]

Yep. He will truly love you when he finally realizes how nasty he is. With your help of course 😄

[@marksatterfield]

I'd strongly recommend you get rid of the "men" and "women" polarization. That itself causes division.

[@angelicearthling]

no it doesn't. There are differences between men and women. Ignoring it will solve nothing.

[@marksatterfield]

@@angelicearthling people are continuums of masculine traits and feminine traits.

[@unicorntamer2207]

People are people. That's it. We're all unique in our own collection of traits and experiences but we have things in common with each other. Gender is biological. Gender roles are cultural. Just forget about "men always *fill in the blank*" or "women always *fill in the blank*" People do stupid stuff. People do things we don't like. It has nothing to do with what gender they are.

[@marksatterfield]

@@unicorntamer2207 exactly. I agree. This video is in itself inflammatory because it encourages black and white thinking.

[@angelicearthling]

@@marksatterfield that's not what makes someone a man or woman. There are plenty of women who are 'tomboys' or have short hair, and don't wear makeup. They're still women. That's where you have it all wrong. That's where you think that being a woman is just like putting on a costume. A man can wear a dress and makeup on, he's still a man in a dress. A dress doesn't make me a woman. I rarely wear them. If I had breast cancer and had my tits cut off, that also doesn't make me less of a woman. You're basically saying, if I don't wear a dress, heels, makeup and look 'feminine' I'm less than a woman, than some man who does. I could go bald, lose organs, lose my tits, not wear makeup or 'feminine clothing' and still be a woman.