The Obsessive Compulsive Narcissist | Dr. David Hawkins

You shouldn’t be too surprised to learn that obsessive compulsives and narcissists have a lot in common - they both think things should be done a certain way - their way. They also try to control everything you do, leaving no room for your preferences and individuality. When these two personalities come together in one person, it creates an oppressive situation for those who are in a relationship with them. Find out what is driving these unhealthy behaviors and what to do if you find yourself in a relationship with someone with these traits.
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Dr. Hawkins and his team of experts offer education and professional training as well as treatment for narcissistic and emotional abuse.
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About
The internet is inundated with hyperbole and misinformation about narcissism, leaving many people confused and hopeless. Get the facts about narcissism and emotional abuse from someone who has been researching, writing about and treating narcissism and emotional abuse for over a decade.
Dr. Hawkins is a best-selling author and clinical psychologist with over three decades of experience helping people break unhealthy patterns and build healthier relationships. He is the founder and director of the Marriage Recovery Center and the Emotional Abuse Institute which offers education, training and counseling for people who want to break free of, and heal from, emotional abuse.
Whether the perpetrator of the abuse is your spouse, partner, parent, boss, friend or family member, we offer practical advice for anyone trapped in a toxic, destructive relationship. In addition to narcissism & emotional abuse, topics include covert, reactive, spiritual, secondary, relationship trauma and more.
#narcissism #narcissist #narcissistic

[@Eleniexp]

You have JUST described my ex. I didn’t know there were words for this. I thought we could fix things but when I saw he had no empathy when I cried I had to escape.

[@Eleniexp]

Do you happen to have any resources or books about this specific type of narcissism?

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Please reach out to our office to inquire about specific resources. They will be happy to answer your questions. [e-mail] or [phone]

[@Dr_Gil_Patrick]

Hello, your are better, I am in emotional distress just waiting for anything that life can give me !

[@barbaracanal6092]

get out1

[@soohandmade]

Thanks ,so there is no way to deal with these people unless live like a slave .unfortunately my husband has this disorder and I am totally shattered. We always have arguments, most of the time in no speaking situations. I don’t know how to get rid of him 😢😢

[@patriciaferrari4788]

My husband used the phrase, “we need to do ….” Which really meant that I had to do whatever it was and not him. He wanted to get credit for it because it made himself feel better.

[@barbaracanal6092]

Get out

[@weaviejeebies]

Holy Toledo, you just described my life. I've been wondering for years if it was vulnerable narcissism, but that didn't really fit. Malignant narcissism didn't fit. OCPD is close, but still doesn't fit. This, however, this rigid, self-righteous obsessive compulsive narcissism is the label. Oh heavens, I am doing a victory dance of sorts over here. Someone knows what's happening, specifically, in my marriage. It's real. I knew deep down it wasn't me but I've been so depleted I did indeed lose my personhood, and it's been awful. Just horrible, thank you for making this video.

[@barbaracanal6092]

get out like i did youll never change a thing for real

[@DrewClark-ov5up]

Interesting - I am in the same situation. My therapist got out the DSM-5 and suggested OCPD, rather than vulnerable narcissism. I know what it's like to feel depleted and drained, but I'm coming back. Working through it...

[@beth0725]

A lot of this describes my mother. Everything was her way, or not at all. She expected all of us to bend to her needs and wishes while ignoring that we also had needs that were going unmet. We would often be told 'we cant afford it' when we needed or wanted something. However, there was always money available for her to buy whatever she wanted. Although she always spent more than could reasonably be afforded. My Dad was always worried about income vs outgoings. She still has a shopping and hoarding compulsion, 30years later. In the early days of their marriage, my Dads lawyer told him that she would get full custody if he left her. He stayed until we were self-sufficient adults. When he did finally leave her, he said that he felt as if he had been kept a prisoner by her through their entire marriage. I dont believe thats hyperbole, either. I grew up watching her treat him as a slave. The police wanted him to file a report against her for coercieve control. They said that, sadly, if he had been the abuser, the police would have steped in decades ago. Because he was the victim, it wasnt rrally recognised until recently. 😢

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Thanks for sharing. Women are equally capable of being a narcissist

[@briananderson8428]

Great distinction, here, when he says: "It's wellllll beyond a preference." A small sentence/observation that carries a lot of information and clarity. Many thanks.

[@barbaracanal6092]

get out

[@tianasherman7989]

Nailed it! Emotionally immature and controlling

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Hope you found it helpful, thanks for your comment

[@scott0111]

Absolutely spot on

[@SaltLake180]

My narc husband is obsessed with doing things his way so nothing ever gets done. I used to think it was extreme procrastination but now I know that it was all bs. Extremely immature when it comes to relationships. I have cried my eyes out over 28 years. Getting divorced is not easy in my culture so now I am thinking of just separating from him in the same house. I just did not want a broken house for my kids because he is the best dad ever.

[@dja192]

Well at least he is the best dad ever. I’m not undermining the narc traits. But my husband was very non-present to my kids for many years and they all have many emotional/social challenges now. If I let myself, and think on it long enough … I begin to despise him. I need to forgive him. I want to leave so bad but am dependent on him for finances. My needs always came last and I never made it back to school to get my masters like I’d always dreamed. I am just now looking into going back so that I will have the option to leave and afford a living in the near future.

[@barbaracanal6092]

get out

[@jmfs3497]

My step mom had OCPD and would hover and rage at me while doing chores. I could never do it well enough for her not to scream and hover. It was never me. My therapist noticed I said the words Should, Need, and Must all the time about how to heal my mental health, like I was a bad person for being abused. Several decades later I thought I had healed from the CPTSD, but I got an insanely controlling boss and it turns out he has OCPD based on Merck diagnosis. At first I thought it was micromanagement, but nothing helped, then I realized it felt like narcissism and Gray Rocking blew my mind by how it helped stop my reactivity to his abuse and I noticed all the anger was coming from him, not me, but he loves to blame other people for his own chaos. Then OCPD became very apparent by checking the list of traits. They are very much a "Dish it out, but can't take it" personality. If you call them out on how they treat you they turn it into war or act that you are treating them poorly, but them treating you poorly is fair game. They don't want to get along with anyone, they want to control people to soothe their ego. They lack the ability to adapt, so they keep everyone from progressing around them. And they appear to be miserable on the inside, and fake being understanding, but nothing every changes. Its just gaslighting and word salad. I've never felt more drained in my life than from this OCPD manager. It's like that Energy Vampire character from What We Do In The Shadows, but in real life and way less funny.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

It is absolutely draining, you have to be intentional about finding ways to fill yourself back up, whether that be through activities, friends, etc

[@jmfs3497]

OCPD people are definitely Energy Vampires. I got hung up mid-career/mid-life in a small town and a niche career. OCPD vampire is still technically my manager, but we were reorganized upwards a year ago, and it broke his micromanaged kingdom. I don't think our new team knows what OCPD is, but they have gradually hinted that they see something is off with him. And they also validate that the skills I have shown are exactly what my new job is about. OCPD manager still seems to want to remain in the past role/office we had, and I think the new team is ever so slowly realizing it. I'm trying to keep my cool. In hindsight I would have quit early on. I had been seeking my degree for 5 years before he became manager without any previous manager or colleague having a problem with the process. First day of the semester with him as manager and he was calling me and scolding me for not checking in. That's when I wish I would have quit. But I didn't know what OCPD was, then. I thought he just needed time. OCPD folks have to be controlling to bring things down to their level so that they can function. They are in denial about being "right". They don't make things better, they move them backwards to the point that no one can truly create their full value. I'm glad you got out.

[@OriolesPhillies]

This describes my ex - your boss with OCPD, especially. I broke up with him a couple of days ago after about 2 years. I have become smaller - not self-confident, with little positivity, with depression and social isolation. This breakup happened after 3 months of a relationship break, so the impact of his mistreatment of me does not feel big, but as I read through some of my journal entries, I realized that I was once suicidal because of the way he treated me but his abusiveness was normalized over time. Whenever I said something that he didn't like - for example, when I shared my hurt feelings with him after finding out that he had been cheating on me, he would say, "Why are you making me feel bad?" When I was telling him how he had told me he would break up with me if I gained weight, he said, "That makes me feel bad." It was all about him and that he was hurting him. A simple question like "how is your mom doing?" would set him off, too when he didn't want to talk about it. He demanded so much from and others. I started to have serious doubt about his character on his birthday. He realized that his sister-in-law and the wife of his best friend had not said happy birthday to him. His brother did not get hima gift either. He was enraged, raising his voice, calling these people terrible names. He stayed upset for over a week. He hated it when people didn't do something as he expected, and he hated it when people didn't reciprocate his efforts to do something for them. But he rarely reciprocate my effort to understand and support him. He wanted to manage and maintain his reputation outside but behind the closed doors, he was an incredibly angry, manipulative, controlling and self-centered person. For a long time, I was wondering if he had NPD. He has been diagnosed with OCD and I do think his symptoms probably fits better into OCD diagnostic criteria than that of OCPD. But it makes sense that he may actually have OCD and NPD. He lacks empathy for others - he is a habitual cheater, and he is capable of lying to his loved ones if he can get out of the trouble and protect himself. He has cheated on me many times all the while still using my financial resources, expecting me to just let him use whatever he had access to that I owned and paid for. I couldn't betray a partner like this, especially repeatedly. Again, I think everything has to be about his needs and not others'.

[@randomsasquatchwithwifi4090]

Whats the difference between the obsessive compulsive narcissist and OCPD? My last relationship was with what you described. It was hell! It was like being with a nasty robot. He used to say, "im just telling you the truth", when it wasnt truth...just his opinion. So much better being away from that!

[@jmfs3497]

Same. I have an OCPD manager at work and nothing makes any sense, but he forces everything to not make any sense and refuses anyone doing anything that makes any sense. He gets angry when someone does something smart or high quality, because he is obsessed with his own brain being the only thing that could possibly be right. Sucks. I look forward to him retiring. I'm so tired.

[@ArtLoverScotland]

@@jmfs3497 I feel for you I have the same. They are horrible folk to be with there is only one in the relationship THEM! These beasts are beyond toxic

[@walterbenny4099]

I believe that there is an overlap between OCDPD and ND. People with OCDPD display a lot of narcissistic traits.

[@barbaracanal6092]

get the h out

[@markcollins1012]

My ex wife was obsessed with things being done her way. She was demanding. Attachment parenting and homeschooling has to be the way. She left me when I started to set boundaries and when I finally said no to homeschooling. She was a bully, and she blamed me for everything. This fits her.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Yes, it equally applies to women, thanks for sharing.

[@tdang9528]

I had one of these creeps at work do this number on me, then again im a disagreeable person who grew up in a rough blue collar neighbourhood where people trust their gut. After a few days i just went point blank and told him what i thought, he nearly fell off his chair and turned it into a personal attack which resulted in a shouting match and i had to cut the guy a few times. After that he never tried to talk to me again. Sometimes you just know who to mess with and who not to. If you are female you need to be careful, these people are very sneaky, they will come across as helpful and friendly to earn your trust all the while they will be establishing a power heirarchy over you and they will take advantage of your nice nature as a person to accept it and make concessions, before you know it they will be playing puppet master with you and have to happy to accept them crossing way over your boundaries because they know now you are too nice to confront them or speak your mind and feelings. Better call saul.

[@jmfs3497]

Yeah, they are sneaky how to start off. They push little tiny boundaries of control and gradually increase. And they never stop that sneaky process. They will ask for one small task and then that task turns to a series of meaningless chaos of low value, but to them it has to be perfect. And yeah, anytime you try to talk to them like an adult about it they fly into a rage. My manager at work has OCPD. Probably the dumbest person I have ever met, but thinks he is the only person who knows anything. Guy literally tried to walk me through plugging in an HDMI cable like I have never plugged a cable in my entire 30 year career. And yet you have to play dumb because it's your manager and he will get worse and worse and more abusive if you are direct with him. I wish I would have learned about OCPD earlier. And yes, they love hierarchies and will create one where there are none. Never met such a grown toddler in my life. Just dumb and rude as a box of rocks and the longer you know them the more freaking rude and mean it makes you because you never want to put up with their codependent BS ever again. No Contact all the way.

[@songbird716]

I only ever won 1 argument. It was when we got internet. I told my narc husband that chickens can fly and roost in trees. He said, “Chickens can’t fly.” So I looked up, “Do chickens roost in trees.” The answer was “Yes”

[@barbaracanal6092]

get out

[@FollowScripture]

I have a coworker like this, his opinion is always the right one no matter what topic we are on...I have said many times everyone has their own opinion on things it changes noting ...LOL

[@tearthangel373]

My Therapist is helping me with Boundaries

[@elainer2876]

My mother was ocpd to a tee, a perfectionist in so many ways, yet oblivious to one area where she lacked self control a Hoarder to extreme, while at same time obsessed with controlling every aspect of my life. Crazy making to extreme whenever one broached the elephant in the room. I walked on eggshells for years because her extreme anger didnt seem to be worth the effort to set boundary...cost seemed too high...no peace in life if I tried. Only after years of living that way did I realize it was a false peace. But to be fair to myself, I had no support system in place to weather the storms of her anger, nor anyone who even understood what I was experiencing to validate my feelings about what was really taking place which was a total assault on my personhood and stripping of my individuality to feed her need for control so she could feel secure and meet her needs. It would be interesting to hear your take on this in regard to hoarders. Have you encountered this in your years of counseling these situations.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Thanks for sharing your story and we hope you have found healing from what you experienced. We will pass along your inquiry to the clinical team.

[@Mr.Redacto]

I swear my Grandma/Oma had this. She was 'literally' raised by NAZI'S in Germany. When she died the first thing I 'half-jokingly' said was, "Great, even dead she found a way to ruin Christmas."

[@debrarivera3387]

My husband never says anything to me. He just continually goes behind me and corrects me, like moving things to a different spot than originally put, even my own stuff, cleaning after me when I already cleaned, etc. I get silently corrected continually. He makes me feel like I don’t belong or I’m not good enough. It’s exhausting!

[@tearthangel373]

I felt crazy from his Gaslighting

[@DesertlizzyThe]

I like that Doctor - pretzeled out of shape😂

[@alimccreery755]

You just described two of the narcissist that I’ve had the unfortunate experience of dealing with. I’m still living in the house with one of them. I’m getting out soon 👍👍👍

[@imaginationturtle5447]

What’s the worst thing about them?

[@alimccreery755]

@@imaginationturtle5447 if you knew anything about a narcissist you wouldn’t need to be asking me that question so why are you on this site?

[@imaginationturtle5447]

@@alimccreery755 I’m the narcissist trying to improve

[@HunnyBee23]

This mixed with health anxiety. Yikes.

[@ArtLoverScotland]

I am in the midst of this right now I get told 'I do things right, 'Just because you are slapdash' when *I do something its done properly*. This pervades everything. From when we were moving, and he was having me lift very heavy items with him or on my own,(and he knows I have a hernia - he doesnt care) this do it this way the way HE wants it done even carries over to the way I handled his *stuff* and if I compained look its too heavy, I was told no it isnt. He told me how I felt, that I whinged and whined. Then if it really was heavy even in his eyes, it became - so you expect me to lift it on my own then! This is a tiny snapshot of my life, Yes I am the one who compromises,i've adapted, became his R2D2 just so there would be a little peace in the house. I cannot be myself, I have his dinner on time, his coffee on time, i DARE NOT GIVE certains foods, I didnt know he didnt like white sauce based recipes, spent all day on a nice new recipe (like an idiot) to be told in a fairly voiciferous yet flat unemotional manner 'i dont 'do' white sauce, and he proceeded to cringe and make yuk eeww noises to gullt me up about something I thought was preetty special. When I put my knife and fork down and tipped MY dinner in the bucket, he then accuses me of getting the huff and going into one, when I felt so upset, so insulted I wanted to cry - I just cleared off to the bedroom. The thing is he can be so nice and sweetbrining in my faqve icecream, peanuts (yeah) and paying for me to get my nails done.... but this tactic is a good investment for him, although infrequent, it is really only to keep me sweet and keep paying and doing. For literally months there was no intimacy, proper intimacy, emotional (i.e. talking) nor physical. I raised the issue a few tines to be told 'I dot do talking' talk - what about? As for physical intiacy, one reason followed another then another, all different.. It was an avoidance and control tactic. Withdraw affection to keep me toeing the line, HIS line. Just a few examples, but it goes on. I am paying everything I earn (retired on pensions) he pays a bit now and then, I never know how much or when, or if! I live on the edge of a cliff! Meanwhile since moving in with him I have paid every single bill- rent, counci tax, energy, loans, shopping for food, window cleaner Everything and as a direct consquence I have nothing and have no means to get out of the house and go anywhere or do anything. I dont drive, and have no car and have no money for fuel in any event. I do not know this area, and have no allies here either. I am also miles away from family and friends. He goes on a two week cruise to the carribean in November.(Yes indeed grandiose and entitled) He is bragging on about it most days, and especially when asked by people oh you go on your cruise soon. Huh. I am not going. I dont have the money, I wasnt consulted, or asked if it was ok. I was told 'You dont mind, I am going with Mum to look after her (guilting me again) blame shfting...he ensured he is going, by paying for it out of an insuance pay out he got. He grudgingly gave me £1500 'toward bills' (last May) when he had already had much more than this out of me for rent dposit and three months rent in advance £6050, plus expensive tools (onnly has the best - , decking, a summerhouse and much more. I am in debt with two loans he manipulated me into, plus credit card debt as my income doesnt cover the shopping each month as the rent here is £1550 GBP and the other bills take the totality of my £2299 monthly money. It costs ME £2616 every single month and he, meanwhile, is always buying things. I do not, I cannot except on amazon the vitamins I need as I am a thyroid sufferer. Another part of his OCD is he is a hoarder, we have a double garage full to capacity of his *stuff* three rooms out of six inside the house are warehousing his *stuff* and it is even in half f the kitchen and there are corners of his junk elsewhere too. I have hardly anywhere for my clothes, he takes up all the drawers wardrobes and shelves...I have one little cupboard withsome of my cloth4es in it. The rest, in suitcases 'somewhere' I have indeed sought help, yesterday. I phoned a womens refuge to get advice. They heard me out and gave me phone numbers, they confirmed it was abuse, because, quite frankly I thought maybe I was making too much of it all, and I felt sorry for him, and i feel guilt or am I exagge4ratign it? My feeligs tell me differently. Its his snipes, his put downs, his 'I know because I am always right' statements and attitude and his grandiose ideas and thoughts and sense of entitlement in spending and other areas. At MY cost. So when he is away for two weeks, I am getting movers in and I am off. At this point I have |NO idea where the money is coing from, it may mean more debt on my credit card, but it will be worth it for PEACE as I am afraid of his rage and temper. I am fe4d up walking on broken glass, tippy toing around al the time, I cannot even skype with my friends. I miss them so much. miss family, and cannot get there as no money. Plus they (family) have no idea whats going on. I keep going, being a pretence of my real and true self until I can activate my escape plan November. It is, the ONLY thing keeping me going right now. I am truly sorry people for such a hideously lengthy post. Just hope it may help someone else going through this hell. Dont give up!

[@DB-bk6pn]

Read your post all the way. You must feel very isolated. Keep plotting and good on you for calling for help and making a commitment to leave. Stay true to who you are, stay strong and good luck to you. 👏

[@ArtLoverScotland]

@@DB-bk6pn ThankYOU so much for taking the tie and making the effort in repkying to my overly long post. I truly appreciate all you said and thank you for reading it. It is a very difficult place to be right now, but i have t hang in there for my sanity four weeks and couting.........the i am out of this hell

[@ArtLoverScotland]

@@DB-bk6pn He is on the way to the caribbean and I am packing t move out while the beast is away! I have somewhere to go thanks to help and support I have received. Thanks again for your lovely warm and kind message :0) x

[@brittanydipietro9498]

Luck you did not have kids with him. I left mine and he used my kids to guilt trip me into going back. It has been worse now. I should have stayed gone!

[@TheEljazairi]

I'm losing my self ... I must choose to change

[@RippleDrop.]

Thanks for acknowledging this is a worse type. Because it *really* is.

[@Jesusmary77]

Ty for posting this

[@queenoftemplar]

Thank you

[@tearthangel373]

Apathy and withholding is hurtful

[@leahridgely391]

I second this question. My first couples therapist diagnosed my husband with NPD. Then my husband got a psych Eval with the MCMI III where he tested really high for severe OCPD plus Avoidant and Masochistic traits, but low on NPD. He sounds much like what you described here. What should I make of the 2 different diagnoses?

[@drdavidbhawkins]

In our practice, we don't put so much emphasis on the diagnoses as we do on identifying the behaviors that need to be treated. So regardless of the diagnosis, we treat the problematic behaviors. Please reach out to learn how we can help. [phone] or [e-mail]

[@tearthangel373]

I choose is a healthier word

[@Star-dj1kw]

✅ good

[@tearthangel373]

Thank you and God Bless

[@tearthangel373]

God is working His good in this Valley. So glad He gave me this hardship so I can depend on Him

[@mastaaceexclusive]

An absolute truth- me a ocdn. Sorry