the reality of recovering from an ED *my journey*

this past week was national eating disorder awareness week and this is something i feel strongly for. at 15 i was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa & while i "physically" recovered, i never psychologically did. i continued poor habits and went through continuous cycles of binge and restrict. during quarantine i started to become obsessed again. back in november, i started to fall back into my old habits. in december, i wanted everything to disappear so my pain would end with it. every morning began with crying. i hadnt felt so low in so long. i hadnt felt so alone in so long. so i started to journal. i journaled every. single. feeling. i turned my journal entires into a script. i began to film my little victories and losses. i started to document my journey. through therapy and seeing a nutritionist and having a better support system, i found a life so worth living. there is SO much to look forward to. a life that doesnt revolve around starving, binging, etc. i learned that not everything i do, needs to be shown online. i can recovery in silence. i can grow in silence. and i can share my story after. thank you to anyone who has been patient with me and my channel. losing myself made me lose so much more with it. thank you. while im still not recovered entirely, i am at a way way better spot and this is advice i need to keep pushing. if you're looking for a sign to recover, this is it.
0:22 - i think this was the first day i realized it wasn't all in my head
02:28 - documenting my thoughts when i wake up
02:45 - thanksgiving dinner. one of the worst days mentally.
03:38 - my dad came to see me, he was worried and my heart shattered
04:55 - my first therapy session
05:15 - another rough day. decided to document one of my many breakdowns
05:57 - this is how i fell in love. this is how i recovered.
💫 SOCIAL MEDIA 💫
💛 instagram: / vanessanagoya
💛 twitter: / vanessanagoya
💛 spotify: open.spotify.c...
💛 vsco: vsco.com/vanes...
💛 snapchat: / vanessa_nagoya
💫MERCH💫
💛buy it here: www.bonfire.co...
💫 BUSINESS ONLY EMAIL 💫
💛 [e-mail]
💫 MUSIC 💫
💛 intro: feelings - lauv
💛 outro: 3:15 - bazzi (cover by paige,amelia,reva, and i)
I love you & thrive today💛🌙🌟
-Vanessa Nagoya
I DO NOT OWN ANY MUSIC FROM THIS VIDEO

[@melanielocke]

CHILLS. I still remember the day you bought that journal and read me your first entry. I am so incredibly proud of you for how far you've come even in my short time of knowing you. You inspire me still, even from a distance. Love and support you always.

[@karlamendez8105]

my favorite friendship

[@xa-xii4865]

Melanie Locke fancy seeing YOU here!! Control to Nine-Tailed Fox, we have detected unauthorized activity at Gate B. You may investigate and open fire if necessary.

[@VanessaNagoya]

you pushed me thank you:,)❤️

[@lanndonnnn]

I hate that I have had to see u fight this for like 3 years but everything happens for a reason and I think it's bc u are now inspiring others to keep fighting when it's tough stay strong broski! u can overcome this and u do it's gonna feel so good! :) keep loving urself! ps this music is not helping stop the tears

[@MaddyChen]

this is incredible. thank you for sharing your vulnerability and staying genuine with us.

[@NatalieParenteau]

happy eating disorder awareness week to vanessa and anyone else who is recovering !

[@marleyl6011]

i’m so proud of you putting yourself out there like that it definitely helps other people seek how it really is rather than how people romanticize eds

[@VanessaNagoya]

thank you so much :) there is absolutely nothing pretty about EDs and i think social media fails at showing that

[@小天使-y1c]

vanessa just makes me feel so comforted, warm, like everything might just start being ok

[@小天使-y1c]

sometimes I wonder if I’m ever able to step out of this suffocating cycle.

[@VanessaNagoya]

you are 100% capable

[@breannadewinter]

you got this

[@clarasch5487]

you are. and you will

[@dianalove539]

@@VanessaNagoya does your brother purposely trigger you?

[@nicoka484]

You are. I promised you, if you wanna talk ever I'm @/izzy0426 on Instagram x

[@idk4659]

I've been scared and exited for this since your story, you're so strong.

[@rebeccaanneryan]

thank you for being so brave and talking about this!

[@corrinahammer-velasco6740]

YOU ARE SO STRONG! YOU'RE NOT ALONE, WE ALL HAVE THAT DARK CORNER THAT WE WANT TO CRAWL INTO BECAUSE IT'S COMFORTABLE. YOU BEING ABLE TO RECOGNIZE & ADDRESS YOUR VULNERABILITY IS GROWTH THAT MANY OF US HAVEN'T GOTTEN TO SHOWS HOPE. YOU GOT THIS VANESSA!

[@anunculturedswine4051]

I’ve been struggling with eating disorders for over five years at this point, never recovering, never getting help, never even admitting it out loud. I know how hard it all is and can’t even imagine how hard actually recovering must be, but I’m happy to see you doing so much better and starting to get your life back. You inspire me to maybe one day try and do that too, even if right now it feels impossible. Thank you for posting this and allowing yourself to be so vulnerable with us and with your self❤️

[@jowet7854]

hi ik u dont know me so idk the power my words have to you, but i genuinely hope so badly that you find your recovery and fall back in love with urself soon. best wishes:)))

[@anunculturedswine4051]

@@jowet7854 thank you so much, just reading a stranger saying this about me is making me tear up a little so your words definitely have power. I really do appreciate it, especially at such a low time in my life this means more than I can explain to you

[@carolinamuciaccia7944]

I don't know a lot about ed, I have never experienced something so hard in my life but I KNOW you can do this. I don't know who you are either but somehow I feel close to you because you shared something so personal with me. I want you to know that I love you and I really from the bottom of my heart wish for you to be able to love yourself again, because I already do and I'm sure a lot of people do too. Be strong, it IS worth it. And whenever you need it, you can talk to me here. Hope this helped in any way, and that Vanessa can push you to begin this incredible journey that is recovery.

[@anunculturedswine4051]

@@carolinamuciaccia7944 thank you, I had a really hard week and I honestly just really needed to hear something like that right now but definitely didn’t expect getting this notification so I really appreciate it

[@jasminesolovey263]

I totally understand when you talk about Britney, but for me her name is Anna, she's mean but at the same time she feels like my only friend, it feels like she's the only one who understands me and she helps "keeps me on track" or whatever that means and her voice is the only voice I hear when I see food.

[@thedoctor9453]

I just…the way that “I can either love the way my dying body looks or hate the way my healthy body is” HIT ME like a ton of bricks…I never knew that this was the perfect way to express this aspect of what my ED and like recovery feel like

[@fariaa2191]

thank you so much for bringing attention to eating disorders and sharing your journey, you’re honestly incredible, i’m so sorry you’ve had to go through so much, your strength is such an inspiration to me and i know for others too❤️❤️

[@emilylarsen9700]

your should honestly make this into a book this is amazing and everyone needs to hear this

[@kendall9359]

you know what im so proud of u for posting this. thank you for sharing so much with us ness ness it really does matter 🤍

[@stellamaria491]

This made me sob. As someone who has off and on disordered eating (but not really an eating disorder) I can now see just how destructive it is. Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing your story. Even though we're strangers, it feels like we're close friends. I'm so so proud of you Vanessa. Keep staying strong girl

[@hannah-eg5tc]

vanessa just know that we’re so proud of you for gaining the courage to post this. we’re proud of you for overcoming your struggles and fears. and thank you for posting this because i know it can help many people, including me. we love you vanessa❤️

[@emilylarsen9700]

literally ness I'm so incredibly proud of you well done I'm so proud of you

[@VanessaNagoya]

i love you

[@breannadewinter]

the courage it probably took to post this... love you so much vanessa

[@gracenguyen8149]

all too well playing is just too perfect

[@gabynguyen6415]

This is hands down my favorite video that you’ve posted. You’ve helped me through so much with my relationship to food and with myself and I’m so glad you’re evolving learning to love yourself as much as u love others. Definitely made me tear up, love you!! 🤍

[@ella-tm2ge]

i’m so proud of you vanessa

[@ayeshaehsan5128]

stay strong, and thankyou for sharing this! it must've been hard, we'll be here to support you. sending lots of love

[@afnanabdel5132]

Th ask you for talking about this journey with us! I know it must’ve been hard, and we’re so proud of you!!!

[@idonthaveanoriginalname2881]

I honestly relate so much when you talked about your brother. Everyone around me is very vain about their looks and makes comments like that every time I eat. My whole family talks about how fat they feel after eating a single potato chip and they work out for hours to burn off that single chip- They call me a pig for drinking milk after 3 days of not eating. They don't realize that I didn't eat because I used to be obese. It honestly hurts more when they punish me for throwing up and always say how I'm so disgusting for that and how I'm weak. Then they say “Why are you so stupid? You could develop bulimia one day so stop.” Do they think I don't know that? I've struggled with binge eating and purging since I was 8. I never once said I didn't. Every time I use to eat I'd throw up and weigh myself after. Every. Single. Time. And all I did was eat. How could they not realize I was already having problems? I'd be forced to eat out and I just broke and started crying in the middle of a pizza place after eating one slice of really thin mushroom pizza. Seeing others eat made me get so upset. I started screaming and punching things when I got home because I couldn't purge the food. I'd be screaming and crying at least 3 times a day. I was homeschooled and had nobody to talk to. I probably demolished $400 in food a day (sorry mom). I still have an ED but nowhere as bad as I used to have it and I'm confident I will recover. I'm only 13 and I've already wasted most of my life in anger and sadness.

[@bangstans4655]

i’m proud of you, you are doing this and i’m so happy that you are doing this not only to let yourself feel like you’re going to be okay but also for your supporters. Don’t give up, you are going to do this, you will be okay, don’t put too much pressure on yourself and let yourself remember you are trying your best

[@NatalieParenteau]

thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. we deeply appreciate and love you

[@gwenythsamantha3128]

the fact that the video ended at 11:11...🥺

[@rosavanzandvoort1229]

Thank you for telling your raw story, and just remember, you’re not alone out there and it’s okay to need help

[@safiyyahmuhammad526]

I can't imagine how hard this was to film and edit! Thank you Vanessa. We love you! ❤

[@taylorsoltys7687]

wow this brought me to tears, your story is just like mine and having to try and overcome it is one of the hardest things. Thank you for this video it really opened up my eyes to see that it isn't worth it! I'm proud of us.

[@naailahkhan8390]

i love you this has helped me because i feel like this side isnt talked about and coming from another asian girl i feel like we are not alone on this journey with our body image

[@christinaha3403]

wow, i’m lost of words. i’m so incredibly proud of you! you are so so strong for posting your most vulnerable moments. love you so much vanessa!

[@stefanydeltoro-paz3468]

Wow. I might not have to struggle with an eating disorder but the way this resonates with everybody and every struggle. Youre helping so many more people than you know, Vanessa, eating disorders or no eating disorder alike.

[@sincerely.shayla]

I’ve been semi struggling with this for years.. I get self conscious and overthink about what I eat, I used to look at my stomach / side profile in every mirror I saw. It was really bad but I’ve been getting better slowly; I don’t look in the mirror anymore (in that way) :,) thank you so much again for sharing with us, speaking for a lot of us; it’s nice to know that we aren’t alone

[@salems_lot]

I'm trying to make myself recover rn. I want to love my body and make peace with it. Constantly stressing over how much I eat and starving myself isn't something I want but it's so hard to recover.Ty for this vid

[@alexiscanovalimckenzie7080]

You are amazing and I absolutely love the message. I am towards the end of my ED recovery and it is hard and that’s reality. I am so proud of you and how far you have come!

[@stephanieoladipo818]

hi big sis :) im gonna make a sappy comment really fast cuz i have to go to dance but let me just say. #1: you are someone who has kept me on this earth and it feels so vulnerable and icky to say but I’ve been doing not good and I so badly hate being here but the way you said you wanted to get better for me made me want to get better for you. #2: I’m proud of your vulnerability and I’m so beyond happy to see you smile a little brighter, laugh a little harder, and reach a little higher. im so proud that you took the time to get better and I see it in you, with how happy you look after settling in. I’m so happy that the life of happiness and success has chose you. #3: I also feel like I’m struggling and bouncing in and out of undiagnosed Ed’s and I don’t know who to rly talk to because I don’t want to sound silly but somehow everytime I feel like I’m getting worse you post and it makes me feel a bit less worse . thank you for being one of my outlets and one of the best older sisters anyone could literally ever ask for. i love seeing you thrive and I’m excited to follow you along your journey. kinda short and not as much as I wanted to say but I love you a lot .

[@VanessaNagoya]

i love you SO MUCH and i am SO proud of you always

[@leahcirrincione3649]

This is almost exactly what it feels like to have OCD, I know what it feels like to relapse, I have with my ocd and it is the worst. But I fought and I’m on my way to being better again. And you will be too, let’s fight our demons!!

[@emilylarsen9700]

you're so beautiful doll I really hope you recover fully from this and remember the you are beautiful

[@valeriafigueroa4174]

I love how strong you are to film these moments and show them to us

[@Remmy-iq3bs]

I’ve been anorexic with exercise addiction for 40 years yes it’s deadly but I never felt so great in my life! Recovery has been horrible I’m miserable overshot weight recovery took away everything. Sorry for the triggers. Prayers those who suffer. Great job gym is your therapy you have no idea! That’s a trigger!!!! These kids have no idea

[@avaobrien5798]

I'm so sorry u had to go throught that no one should have to u are my bigest roll model thanks so much for postesing this I know it was hard but this better now I am a 11 year old girl that is anorexic and this video showed me how to love myself no matter what love u.xxxxxx

[@victoriaa1492]

I don't feel so alone anymore. My recovery process was so rocky, I'd be great one day and crying over a sandwich the next. I think that sometimes we need a reminder that recovery isn't instant and that we all have bad days

[@foreverminee]

Thank you I love you, this really motivated me to love me Thank you so much 😭 you such a strong person I’m very proud of you 🥺

[@imeaniguess.6963]

This is a nicely written story. Make an update?

[@gesinen4730]

Thank you. I don’t know what else to say . These words of yours have helped me so much now I can’t describe it. The things you said and filmed just made me realize so much and I wanna thank you from the bottom of my heart for making this video, we’re all in this together and we can all do this. Thank you so much Vanessa 💛💛💛

[@millaluvss]

I know this sentence is going to be the minimum and least i could say , and i do want to say alot but this is something I feel is all you need to remember, “ everything is going to be okay “ ❤️

[@emilylarsen9700]

IM SO PROUD OF YOU

[@chelsieesharp]

i started bawling when “it’s not the same anymore” came on. thank you for this vanessa. i love you so much, you are so strong and i’m grateful you shared this. i’ve been having these thoughts recently and this is so helpful and inspiring. 💗

[@nataleechase4184]

i needed this tbh. i’ve been going through a rough time and almost ended up dying because of ppl hating me for ruining a relationship with my ex and ppl saying i’m fat. thank you for showing your vulnerability, bc i never knew how to show mine. love u girl, thank u for this help

[@jjocelynhuang]

you got this ness! we’re always here ❤️❤️ we love u

[@tianshifly]

I'm so happy every time when I can see you smile, you are truly beautiful as other😇💓💓💓💓🌷🌷🌷🌷you are the most beautiful soul who help me recovery again, yes I have moments but let's be strong and love this life because we have just one💚💚🌹🌹⚘⚘🌸🌸you makes me cry

[@annelysecombitsis7553]

vanessa, im so proud of you. thank you for being vulnerable for us.

[@LiveLikeLex]

To anyone who's reading this: You are strong. You are beautiful. You are powerful. Remind yourself that working out is not a punishment for what you ate, but a celebration of what your body can do! I hope you have a fantastic day :))

[@devanshichaudhari8405]

thank you for letting other people know they aren't alone. From that first video that i watched from your channel to all the new content you post, I always feel like I'm there with you. That I'm there as your friend, not a subscriber, and the feeling I get from your videos, every single one of them, I feel like I'm not alone. So thank you for that :)

[@abganelo]

wow, thank you so much for sharing your story. it's never easy to share your most vulnerable side to people, but wow you are so brave and strong for this. thank you for opening so many realizations and eyes. thank you for being there during the times when I never knew or i didn't know i needed to hear words like these. thank you for being there and for basically waking me (or even many of us) up when my mind constantly asks for help but i reject and ignore. 💛

[@lanndonnnn]

everyone live life to the fullest u r loved and be urself u are perfect!

[@am3li378]

what a beautiful, raw video. you will never truly realise how many people you will help, and how many people love you. i hope that you can continue to grow, and find yourself when it feels the hardest. thank you.

[@Sami-yk9px]

I’m so sorry bby you can push through anything you are gorgeous no matter what anyone says . I have only experienced half of this , WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH . YOU ARE SUCH A STRONG GIRL AND YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL LOVE ❤️

[@Awdah-xg3ox]

Dear Vanessa, I know what you went through is is hard and the fact that you decided to post the journey that you went through was brave. You got this Vanessa and we (fans) got your back no matter what. All of us are humans, we all deal with obstacles in different ways. Life is hard but if we get back up again, that makes us stronger. I love you Vanessa so much, and thank you so much to trust us to the point that you share the hardest obstacle that you faced. 🤍🤍

[@allomdraa]

Your actually so strong , and thank you for this video❤️🙂

[@avamakanui]

Wow this made me cry for you Vanessa. Idk if you’ll see this, but ever since I came to college food has been making me happy but it’s also making me sad because of gaining weight. I don’t want to come home and have people call me fat, the fact that my grandpa called me fat before I went up to school made me so so so so sad even though my dad said he was just joking. Idk where I’m going with this but you inspire me so much Vanessa I hope you know that.

[@elinepayoute1293]

I'm happy you were able to share this Nessa, you're so strong for doing this❤️Love and rooting for you🥰

[@timeaburch4471]

wow, like i`m crying because it makes me so happy to see that someone is falling in love with their life and themselves. because it is the best feeling you will ever feel.

[@rokaiaalderawi8286]

I can see that this so much for you to be able to post this and feel comfortable and open to telling us. We will and should always be here for you Vanessa ❤️ we love you 😘

[@kateyvette]

thank you so much for this video💛 in 8th grade i also suffered thru an ED and no one seemed to notice, it was until i got sick and spent weeks in doctors offices trying to find out what was wrong with me when i realized i couldn’t keep hurting myself just to “fit in” to what society says i should look like. you are so strong! it does get better i promise!❤️ ily

[@alex_danceskpop]

as someone who---struggles with this same thing, this touched my heart so much and I needed to hear everything in the video. *cries* Like, thank you for encouraging me to keep going even when I don't think I can do it anymore. *hugs*

[@taliakertes3969]

you are so so strong. you are so wonderful and you bring joy to 400,000 people so frequently. we are all so proud of you!!

[@stellayee218]

I just wanna say how incredibly proud I am of you nessa!! Ilysmm💗💗🥰

[@shani-jh8dr]

ahhh Vanessa this video makes me love u so much more!!! Istg it gave me ✨chills✨- thank u thank u thank u for posting it, I hope u know how proud we are of u sis❤️️

[@jasminesolovey263]

It saddens me that I feel the same way but also empowers me to do better an love myself❤

[@simranahuja4578]

I got chills down my spine just watching this journey of yours! You're so strong Vanessa, just remind yourself that each and every single day and love yourself with every inch of your patchwork heart. You're incredible and all of us couldn't be any more proud of you.

[@hayleyogden6914]

i love you nessa! your so brave for posting this! i’m so proud of you!!!💗

[@hanarose9338]

You are so strong girl, even if at times you may not feel like it. Thank you for helping me and so many of your followers who may be going through something similar.

[@kaymadison9911]

VANESSA MAKES ME SO HAPPY WHEN SHE POSTS

[@annaw6166]

this is literally the most beautiful thing ever. i am so. so. SO. proud of you.

[@tumblrqueen8143]

I know how you feel with the family saying stuff about “you know how many calories are in that righ?” When they know you’re struggling and that stuff triggers you

[@erinpark918]

goosebumps all over omg

[@hetvikaranjawala1696]

I am sobbing like in a mixed happy way

[@joshuakuroiwa7425]

Dear Vanessa, Just Wow!! It must have taken so much courage to film this and to even post it!! I love all your videos because you never hide anything and are always real with us!!! As a fan of you I am very proud of you!! Thank you so much Vanessa because sometimes your videos inspire me!!! Keep being you and staying strong!!! From, Joshua

[@ruhanirawal6042]

vanessa, we love you❤ ik how hard it must've been for you to upload this video and be open about all your struggles with people you don't even know personally and honestly that's really brave of you and i'm proud of you because you acknowledged all your flaws which is the toughest job imo. also i'm really happy to hear that you're recovering and have gained your beautiful smile back! you might have some bad days again just like a lot of us do but i hope you overcome them and stay as cheerful and beautiful as the real vanessa! stay blessed broski!❤💫

[@Fatimaloll]

“If only they knew i was lifeless” I started crying with you im so proud of youu and i love you so much

[@kaitlync394]

this video made me cry. seeing how much this has affected your relationships with your family especially hit home for me. we are so proud of you for putting your heart on the line just to let us know that we aren’t alone. I’m so sorry that you went through this but you will always have us and you are so strong for fighting. thank you🥺

[@nylatait1703]

You have no idea how much this helps. I’m in literal tears rn lol.

[@Rvxvxvl]

Vanesaa I love you we will be with you, support you until the end. I felt emotional watching this, I wanted to go through the screen and hug her. Showing this side of her which a lot of us struggles to show. It really sinked in to me that am not alone, I am not the only one who feels and has felt this way... thank you Vanessa.

[@stqrlavv]

Hey Nessa I’m happy for you and that you have the braveness to share your ED with us I know it takes a while for people to share their story with others just know I will always love and support you no matter what hun You shared your worst times with us and and we see you fighting it every video I don’t know what an ed feels like but by watching this video it shows how hard it is to fight is and what it does but you were fighting through it for 3 years and I’m so happy that your getting better and doing better love have the best day broskii I love u baee

[@VanessaNagoya]

thank you jodi :,)

[@piper9662]

Hi Vanessa! I just want to tell you that you are so strong, and that you are NOT alone. As someone who is also in recovery, i know how hard it is. I know that sometimes you just want to give up. But just to let you know, it is so worth it. You are beautiful just the way you are, and we all love you so much! I am so glad you decided to fight for it, and it WILL keep getting better.

[@zippityama3073]

You continue to show us that all people are normal and we all have not flaws but difference and details that make us different and we all go through things but we are all human

[@keillynperez9123]

we are here for you. thank you for sharing this journey. it’s okay you are so confident and brave for this that many wouldn’t share thank you...we love you ❤️🥰

[@strawberrymilk2303]

Vanessa your amazing and we support you

[@nadia-hr3pk]

I'm so proud of you for how far you have come. I'm 15 and I developed an ed over the past 4 months. Today my mom told me I have to start my recovery or else she will send me to rehab. I'm so terrified to go back to my original body but after watching this I feel a little less afraid and I think I might be able to do it.

[@faust5727]

hope ur ok now

[@sajasaleh7012]

Vanessa, my love, you're so strong and so inspiring. Thank you for this

[@mercedesm4140]

you are amazing

[@picklejuice7412]

you did it bb💓😭

[@stareyedstudygirl]

you deserve the world. eds are horrible, but we can all conquer them

[@tarynhalley]

Thank you so much for posting this! I’m in recover too and it definitely is the hardest thing ever. You aren’t alone and WE LOVE YOU 🥰

[@friedfishh]

It must be hard to have filmed this and posted this. I'm so proud of how far you've come 💜 Thank you for posting this. You're truly an inspiration and I hope you're doing okay now. It'll be okay in the end and if it's not okay, it's not the end. *hugs* We love you so much and we'll support you no matter what. :) It's okay to be human. You deserve to be loved and to be taken care of, so please always remember that self love and self care isn't selfish and that it's okay to take some time for yourself. 💜💜💜💕💕💕💕💕💖💖💖💖💖💖 Take care

[@Kapplerartbloomingdale]

I've suffered from body dismorphic disorder with ednos foe years