The Sanitised Lie of OCD Representation

From Glee to Scrubs to new movie Turtles All The Way Down, let's look at how OCD has been portrayed - and the reality for me and others with the disorder. Try Headspace for free: headspace-web.... use code: ROWAN60
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Additional research by Emilie Maine
Editing by Georgie Yonge www.georgeyonge.co.uk
Content warning: this video mentions OCD obsessions including those dealing with death and violence, explicit content, prejudiced language, and more.
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[@Ali-zn6sg]

One book that actually helped me deal with my OCD as a child (before I knew what OCD was) is Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine. It's a book about a girl who is curse to do everything she's told. In the movie, her body breaks the laws of physics to force her to comply with no choice, but it the book it's very mental. The longer she goes without complying with an order, the more she becomes obsessed with it. It's a thought that repeats, circling in her head with no end in sight. She become dizzy, nauseous, and physically ill until she does what she was told to do.

[@TheobaldLeonhart]

I remember watching the movie, vaguely

[@JadyLester]

This makes me think of an episode of the Smurfs when Papa tried to keep Grouchy from acting grouchy, until he started to feel sick.

[@sabrina-ur4wf]

yesss Ella enchanted was my fav as a kid!

[@cornupswar]

The movie made me think it was some kind of curse where the command possesses Ella like her body becomes an automaton of the command while she is passively riding the wave. I'm gonna have to read the book now!

[@WhatWouldLubitschDo]

That’s a fascinating observation about Ella Enchanted, and also more generally about how a “magical” premise in books (often for kids) can correspond with the author and/or the reader’s under-represented experiences

[@shayne_has_landed2511]

I think the biggest testament to how bad OCD thoughts can be that I’d want non-OCDers to know is that plenty of OCDers’ instrusive thoughts can not actually be represented in film because it would be *illegal* for a production company to put an actor through a *recreation* of those images, even in a “safe studio space”.

[@dillon1037]

Some part of me wants to try utilizing the utter shittiness and depravity of some of my more intense intrusive thoughts to write horror. But then there's a part of me is afraid that it'd somehow be validating them and I'd start becoming less desensitized to the idea of not acting on them, which is totally irrational.

[@transmaddie]

​@@dillon1037 I have had the same idea and the same reason not to

[@availanila]

Maybe cartoons or animation but I can't imagine drawing or creating something like that so even then... barely ethical or kind.

[@aerialdive]

@@dillon1037 im the same. i feel like using my intrusive thoughts in a critical way would somehow validate them and make them more normalized both to me and an audience that would take them and run with zero media literacy. the moral OCD part of me fears that more than i fear holding onto my intrusive thoughts.

[@coolm3th]

I have often thought "what if I just write it out or draw it?" And immediately felt so overwhelmed by the idea of it being in real life in anyway that i never did. I can never rly tell anyone, subreddits for OCD are the only place i feel safe bc i am essentially anonymous and the other people get it and understand. It's validating the feeling, but not the actual intrusive image/thought

[@Nichrysalis]

The power in the concept "you are not your first thought, you are how you respond to it" has saved me so much grief through the years dealing with this condition.

[@youtubemarketingteam]

Me as well

[@stylis666]

It's a very basic thing that everyone needs to internalise, regardless of who or where we are. And for instance, religions teach people constantly that their thoughts are who they are and they will be judged for them, and that's so incredibly abusive and toxic and completely backwards and untrue. We are _not_ our thoughts. All development of our character/person necessarily starts with realising that our thoughts and external reality are different and separate things. All treatments, therapy, medicine, etc., of all mental health conditions start with that and with training to check our thought and see if they're justified and choosing how to deal with it. And it's constantly called back on. It's the basis for a healthy mind. Someone in the comments said that it doesn't help at all to realise that their "thoughts are irrational", but if they didn't, then they'd also have all the reason to act on every thought and no reason to ever look for help and better solutions. It's a necessary starting point. After all, our brains themselves don't see any difference between external reality and our thoughts. They only respond to thoughts and other stimuli, regardless of what triggers them. Silly example: I shave my intimate zones and when I rush I might feel like I nicked myself. My brain instantly feels all kinds of nicks everywhere, even in places I hadn't been yet, and is like, yep you CUT yourself and you're bleeding like a motherf@%#er. I look. Nothing. Everything's fine. I ALMOST nicked myself. Brains are just weird. They think and imagine all kinds of things, including real pain that your really feel. And we really feel real love and real grief over fictional characters. The act of giving a gift feels exactly the same as picturing giving a gift. The only difference is in what happens after. If you only pictured it, you'll go and do something else. If you did give a gift, reality will reflect it back even if you forget what you did. What they meant is that it didn't solve all issues with their OCD. They also literally said "it doesn't help with [their] obsessions", as a response to someone talking about intrusive thoughts, showing that the person is conditioned to see them as the same thing, and they're not even close to the same thing. One is a thought/trigger, the other a conditioned response to the thought/trigger. And if you think about it, the label OCD completely skips the intrusive thoughts and only describes what someone without OCD sees in the behaviour of people with OCD. It's not just media that sanitises OCD. Even the label does. And as mentioned, so do all faith based religions. And it's not a mistake, not a bug, it's a feature. Psychiatrists only relatively recently started caring about asking people what they think and how they feel. Religions need to control people without good reasons and therefor require people to think and believe similar things to maintain the illusions and cohesion for maximum peer pressure and ease of control. Shaming thoughts is an effective way to blame and gaslight people for not being faithful enough when bad things happen, like illness or getting fired. But it does surprise me that the label OCD hasn't been changed yet. I have a bipolar disorder and it had been called manic depressive disorder for decades. It has been changed even though it was far less wrong than the term OCD. How about OCCC? :D Obsessive Compulsive Coping Condition? It still kind of ignores intrusive thoughts, but it's less bad than the term OCD. Besides, it's not a disorder to begin with. It's a natural result of trying to balance out discomfort. We all do that in more or less productive ways, and it's vital to our survival and existence as a complex social species with complex emotional lives. So lets start by renaming the condition to what it is instead of what other people superficially can see without knowing anything about you. I for one wouldn't want to be labeled with something like Emotional Disorder, just because that's what people can see. There is nothing wrong with me or my emotions. I just sometimes have more or less energy, like everyone does, but with me it can or will linger for longer than can be justified with the situation(s) I am in, just like it can happen with everyone else, but with me it happens more often and there is a higher chance it happens. We are not that much different. We just have variations that are more or less pronounced.

[@cameronschyuder9034]

@@stylis666agree w you, just one note: brains aren’t weird for the sake of being weird, sometimes brains are neurotic and overreact bc they are trying to protect you, your future, etc… our brains are a part of us, and imo learning self compassion is to empathize with our brains and acknowledge that even if the outcome is less than ideal, it’s still trying its best for you in that particular moment, and you have the power to change how your brain reacts to certain things (tho that ofc doesn’t mean it’s easy) bc you are your brain

[@1amazinggoddess]

OCD on TV: “omg you guyyys, y’all are so dirty let me clean the sink and organize my pens by color” OCD IRL (my experience as a child): “hmm, I hurt my left arm so now I need to hurt my right arm to match the sensation exactly. If I don’t do this then my mom might die in a car crash.” *proceeds to do this endlessly for an hour because it’s impossible to match sensations exactly.*

[@yassine8935]

Seriously I use to be mad that as child I use to be more on the cleaning side of obsessiveness especially now that I'm older its mostly horrible intrusive thoughts with dpdr but then I remember I use to purposefully pinchmyself multiple times and didn't stop out of fear my mom would fall and break her back 😩

[@__Cthulhu__]

I have that same form of ocd and I honestly can't say I have ever heard of anyone else having the same form of OCD

[@Kyubeyo]

I hate this one sm, it takes up sm of my time just trying to match the sensation or have more of one on my left arm, and in the end I only do it bc I’ll feel incomplete if I don’t. No lies like something bad will happen, I do all this just because I feel like I have to.

[@Kyubeyo]

@@__Cthulhu__same

[@urdad6144]

I don’t think I have ocd as I don’t have the intrusive thoughts but as a kid I would do something similar like if I stubbed my toe I had to stub my other toe but like you said it would never be even so I would go back and forth for a while I still feel this way but I can control it by forcing myself to ignore it

[@quincey5917]

Your mention of OCD targeting things you felt strongly about, especially social justice causes, hit really close to home for me. I’m a trans man, but my latest obsession has been that I’m secretly violently transphobic, or that I’m inherently misogynistic for wanting to transition into a man. Moral/scrupulosity OCD is the *worst*.

[@meanbean6011]

One of my online OCD friends and I bonded over sexuality based OCD. She has intrusive thoughts that she's not a lesbian, she's convinced herself she loves her gf, and one say her happy life with her partner will all come crashing down because she's not really in love with her. It's hard to talk about and really isolating

[@CristalianaIvor]

lurking in r/comphet I learned there is a whole subcategory of people called hocd (h stands for homosexual) and it is truly heartbreaking

[@camillawatson3235]

@@meanbean6011 Wow, I've never made that connection! I already knew I had OCD, but I never before realised why I've always questioned my own queerness. Like I know I'm a lesbian, but I'm like secretly afraid I'm not??? I feel uncomfortable being in queer spaces because my intrusive thoughts tell me I'm an imposter. I feel the need to constantly test my attractions and to constantly re-prove to myself that I am in fact gay and not a fraud. Literally every woman I meet I test if I'm attracted to her and same with men, I double-check to make sure I'm not. And I feel weird admitting that because for most gay people they are certain of their sexuality and after coming out are no longer questioning it. Or like with comphet, maybe they try to convince themselves they're straight, and I'm out here trying to convince myself that I am in fact gay.

[@Pinkywinkykinky]

For me thoughts ranged more sexual like to little brother to the point I put scissors to my head before feeling suicidal it really does suck

[@kizz8262]

@@meanbean6011 shit for me its the contrary to your friend. i often am sure my 15 years GF (ace sexualy, romanticly into me only, her words) is actually straight Allo (like into straight guy.. I'm as ace non-binary trans-masc-ish) and she would leave me if I'm not masc enough or if she find a straight guy. But she started dating me as a lesbian, and stayed for all my transition. But my mind keep making me doubt even tho i know it isn't true.

[@1amazinggoddess]

I really can’t stand the “omg I’m so OCD” or “Obsessive Christmas Disorder” stuff, but my OCD can be funny at times. I guess I use humor to cope. For years my OCD has been bugging me about “hey, there’s glass in your food, you should probably check” and for years it’s been wrong. UNTIL ONE DAY I was baking cookies and one of them somehow got glass into it????? I was so shocked and triggered by it, but then I realized it wasn’t that bad, and I didn’t swallow any. Low key cured my “glass in food” thing

[@killitwithfire5377]

I feel like sometimes one negative experience can be so much more helpful than a million positive ones. Because the nagging though of "well this time it worked out but what if it hadn't?" stays. Whereas when the "worst case" scenario happens, you just go "wait that was it? huh." I had horrible anxiety around sex, that I wasn't good or desirable enough. Then I had one hookup with some random guy who was not that great both in bed and as a person and it literally cured my anxiety. I just realized that sex could be bad or just whatever and that is literally not an issue.

[@yeehawneehaw5215]

New fear unlocked

[@АнастасияМакарович]

omg that's hilarious

[@nerida3347]

I know confronting our obsessions can actually help!

[@majesticlunatic4985]

Obsessive Christmas Disorder is my new favorite phrase.

[@jackm.j.3549]

Turtles All the Way Down is actually how I found out I had OCD. It absolutely saved my life.

[@yoyoyoyo-lq4jb]

I don't have OCD specifically but I've been hospitalized for mental health several times in my adolescent and young adult years. I read that book while i was inpatient, and it made me bawl my eyes out multiple times. Seeing such a realistic struggle with mental health as a young person meant a lot. I also have a very supportive and sometimes overbearing mother, and my father was... not present lol. So Asa's relationship with her mom felt very personal to me and god. Its just SUCH a wonderful novel.

[@BelindaShort]

Also, John literally has it, so it's very much from the perspective of someone who suffers from it

[@kittykatycupcake318]

I cried after reading the book for the first time. I definitely related to Aza a lot even though I’m not sure I have OCD specifically. I do have anxiety and OAB and I definitely feel like I have compulsions and thought spirals related to going to the bathroom.

[@wheezy_mads]

Same here.

[@Tazallax]

@@yoyoyoyo-lq4jb I think the book is a great tool for communicating how your disorder feels. I highlighted and annotated parts, for my own processing at first. Then when my sister borrowed my copy she saw my notes which shared some insight.

[@asliwins337]

When I was a child I got it into my head that if I looked down I was accidentally telling God that I should go to Hell. So everytime I looked down I'd glimpse up at least 3 times (1 to balance, 1 to shift the balance, and at least 1 more to make up for all the years when I'd been looking down without realising the danger)

[@catwithabat6904]

Damn. I used to have a lot of such things as a kid and they were always related to religion. It all stopped after I stepped away from practicing. This video and this comment reminded me of those times. I hadn't thought about it in a really long time so this hit

[@asliwins337]

@@catwithabat6904, sorry it brought up stuff for you and hope all is going well

[@catwithabat6904]

@@asliwins337 nah, it's fine. I actually meant that I was shocked but also relieved that there were other people with such thoughts. Thank you for sharing your story

[@HowlingWolf4545]

This is exactly how i realized i had OCD. I had the exact same thing except that it could be the way my palms were facing (up or down), if i was breathing in or out, or, like you, if i looked up or down. Also having to repeat “i hate the devil” three times in my head or under my breath before i said something to make sure God knew and he wouldn’t send me to hell. Actually insane this is the first time I’ve heard of something having such similar compulsions as me.

[@asliwins337]

@@HowlingWolf4545; oh wow, the palm thing really resonates with me too. Wild what brains come up with for us, right?

[@Artifying]

I often tell people that having OCD is like being on fire but only I can see and feel the fire. I can’t just ignore it, because it’s excruciating.

[@BelindaShort]

I feel that way about my anxiety. It's like electric fire under my skin just bursting to get out

[@natalie7180]

Discussing taboo obsessions really made me feel better. I don't have OCD (or I haven't been formally diagnosed) but I have been told I suffer from obsessions but not compulsions (by my therapist). The saying that "your first thought isn't you, your second thought is," became a way for my mind to justify why I'm a bad person. I would repeat bad things in my mind over and over again so that every thought was the bad thought, and there would be no escaping the idea that I'm just a bad person. I came into this video wanting to learn more about OCD, and came out of it feeling seen, in my own weird little way.

[@connerblank5069]

Always remember, thought crimes aren't crimes, they're just thoughts. You're only a bad person if you _do_ bad things. Thinking otherwise is how you get Nazi shit.

[@forwardish]

So there’s something called pure O OCD that it sounds like you might want to look into. Also rumination can be a compulsion and there are mental compulsions. So definitely look into it further!

[@PhotonBeast]

That's definitely one of the horrible parts about intrusive thoughts and other similar symptoms. Not just that your brain whips up these visions or words or whatever, but also that they are in your own voice as if speaking to you, as if part of your own stream of consciousness, even though you know you would never likely actually want or say or even believe those things. But the thoughts keep happening in your own voice until it becomes hard to separate them out from your own true thoughts, requiring energy and effort to separate them back out.

[@kaylaknuckles343]

There is also Obsessive Compulsive Personality disorder which features more rumination and perfectionist tendencies. It does not feature outward ritualistic behavior. Yet, people with OCPD tend to put themselves only in situations in which they know they can do well and exceed the set expectation. It has very much to do with a projected self image from my understanding. (3rd year psych student) I struggle with something similar to what you describe. My heart goes out to you and I hope, in time, that we both find clever ways through it that make life feel less heavy.

[@oliveriscoolerthanu7834]

YES!! I completely relate to this. I haven't been diagnosed, and I don't think I have it, but I struggle with intrusive thoughts and feeling like a bad person a lot, and this video definitely made me feel really seen

[@danreviewstheworld]

My ex wife has OCD and there was absolutely nothing fun or funny about it. She has contamination OCD and this would often mean throwing away her entire wardrobe because she had walked too closely to the pesticide section at the grocery store, or washing her hands for an hour straight under scalding water. It really made it impossible for me to watch any of the sanitized presentations of ocd in media.

[@alsoknownasallison]

it took me till 17 to get diagnosed with OCD because i had intrusive thoughts that told me if i told anyone about my intrusive thoughts, all of them would come true. thank you for this video, people have no idea just how debilitating this disorder can be

[@orchdork775]

Omg yes!! I thought if I said it out loud I would lose control and do the thing I was imagining. It made me desperately hide what I was experiencing because I was trying to control it. It felt like if relaxed for even a moment, I would lose control. It was exhausting. It's so insidious how ocd makes you believe that you might actually do the intrusive thought, and how the more you imagine it happening, the more it feels like you will do it. Saying the intrusive thought out loud forces you to imagine it way more intensely, so it feels like saying the thought will make you do it, preventing you from getting help.

[@jjthepikazard212]

the turtles all the way down book was really important to me realizing i had ocd

[@marionleblanc8580]

John Green's public disclosure of his diagnosis and advocacy are the main reason I sought and got my own diagnosis, and it's honestly been a life-saver. I'm not even such a big fan of his (although I'm familiar with his and Hank's online presence,) but I'm forever indebted to the man.

[@gayatriunni549]

i was 12-13 when i first read the book, and while i don’t have ocd myself, the book really showed me for the first time like, ever, how ocd is for the people who have it, rather than just the outward presentations (hand washing, checking the door, organising etc.) i’m a person that REALLY gets sucked into a book and the narrative voice, but this was especially the case at that age, and reading the way aza’s spirals were described, that was like my first real exposure to any sort of mental illness outside of “oh depression is when you’re sad and anxiety is when you’re nervous”. it was pretty eye opening for me that mental illness isn’t just some tortured artist thing or something that you just say to be quirky and different. i know i’m really privileged to be able to say that a BOOK was my first exposure to mental illness, but genuinely it has been one of my favourites (although saying a john green book is your favourite in public is seen as embarrassing now) and maybe i’m being dramatic but it was kind of foundational for me as an early teen, and i’d definitely recommend it (although it’s been a while and i don’t remember if a 13 year old really should ready it-i read a lot of things i wasn’t supposed to so i can’t remember if this was one of those too haha)

[@evercuriousmichelle]

I don’t know if I have OCD but his book gave me words to describe the all consuming, agonizing emotion spirals that I sometimes go through. It was validating to read him describe something that I couldn’t put words to.

[@mayaenglish5424]

​@@gayatriunni549 People are rude for no reason. If John's book is your favorite then it's your favorite. (Besides, it's all just backlash from teenagers who felt really deep emotions because of a John Green novel growing up and deciding that their teenage selves were cringe and embarassing and so was everything they loved as a teenager.)

[@m0zarts-animation]

same it was the first book where I felt like what was being described was how I felt. Read it years before I was diagnosed with OCD

[@scarlett453]

Wait you're pointing out plot holes in your ocd?? That's... amazing

[@technopoptart]

writers X''D

[@alexjames7144]

I think that's just a big part of how OCD therapy works, and therapy for anxiety disorders in general. Just knowing or being told that the fear is irrational doesn't fix it, you need to genuinely believe it's not real and understanding why is a helpful tool

[@AmaranthOriginal]

​@@alexjames7144It's never helped me I am fully aware my obsessions are irrational and why. Doesn't change... anything

[@kepoki2865]

@@AmaranthOriginal same

[@stylis666]

@@AmaranthOriginal That's not the point. The point is to know that the intrusive thoughts aren't reflected by reality and realising that the obsessions are unnecessary because they don't change anything. Then you realise that the obsessive behaviour is not a solution to an external problem but a way of dealing with your emotions surrounding your thoughts. Those realisations aren't supposed to solve the issue, because the issue isn't any of those things. The point is realising what is and isn't the issue. Simply put, the issue is that intrusive thoughts feel uncomfortable and because people who have them don't feel safe/comfortable talking about them they find their own ways of dealing with them, to feel comfortable, or "at home" so to speak. So for example, you might be putting people in different seats on a fictional airplane thinking you are saving some of them, but that's not the point. You know there's no airplane and there are no people. The point is that the act of taking some control over your thoughts feels familiar and gives a sense of control. It's what everyone's brains do, with or without OCD: we try and balance comfort and discomfort. When we feel too much discomfort, we try and compensate. It's completely normal and even necessary. So, maybe, if you can do that in a way that isn't productive, or that downright disrupts your life, you can find ways that are productive and help you in your life. If you don't know if the thought that started it all is irrational, you would have no reason to change anything, so it does help to know they are irrational and that your coping mechanism isn't useful for the not real situation. It's not supposed to solve the problem, it's supposed to make you realise that if you find and apply a solution that does work for you the universe won't explode and your teddy bear won't come for revenge because it feels invalidated, or that god won't send you to hell forever and ever and ever, because none of that crap is real and you CAN take control of your life and are very much allowed and invited to and cheered on when you try and we'll be there if you fall and there's tons of research on what has helped many people and and tons that has helped fewer people and I'd start with what helped most people and work my way down until something works for me.

[@ksk3368]

If I wasn't watching this among company I'd be crying, I feel human rather than subhuman for the first time in my entire life.

[@katiefleece]

So glad you feel seen! I feel the same way. Always remember you're not alone ❤️

[@samdal420]

♥️

[@turtlepenguinXkizuna]

you are valid and worthy of compassion and support ❤

[@Kytheguy]

I nearly cried watching this. My OCD manifests in almost the exact same way as yours (believing everyone around me can hear my thoughts). As a child raised in a religious household, my first intrusive thoughts were sacreligious in nature. I had no context at all for what was happening to me and for a while I believed that I was possessed by a demon. I felt so ashamed and guilty and prayed to God to make the thoughts stop, but they never did. I finally learned about OCD when I became friends with a guy who had Tourette's. It was the closest experience I could match to mine, having a compulsion that you are unable to control and being misunderstood by people who think you are being disruptive on purpose. I did a google search of something along the lines of "Tourette's but inside my brain" and after a bit of digging, learned about OCD. This is why it is so important for neurodivergent/disabled people to have communities. Having a friend to talk about these issues with was so important. Great video!

[@Disgruntled_Kinkajou]

I literally had to leave my church and sit in the foyer because my intrusive thoughts were so bad, and I thought people in church were reacting to hearing my inappropriate thoughts. If anyone would cough, shift in their seat, or have a slightly odd look on their face, I would think they're reacting to hearing my thoughts. I had no idea at the time that this was fairly common, and I felt very alone. I also believed I might be the literal antichrist for a while, because I was seeing the number 666 everywhere, and then I finally got the number 666 on my first debit card. I also did Bible Quizzing and memorized Bible passages for six years, and some really stuck out to me, like Jesus saying that if you look at a woman with lust, you've already committed adultery with them in your heart. That kind of stuff is horrible to teach someone with OCD, and I like to remind it to people who aren't religious but think Jesus was still a good role model and example. According to what I memorized, Jesus said you can literally go to hell for uttering blasphemy against the Holy Spirit (whoever speaks words against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or the age to come). You better believe I obsessed about this for months. The thought would pop up in my head, "I hate the Holy Spirit, I hate the Holy Spirit," and I thought I was actually going to suffer for eternity because of it. It's garbage and extremely damaging to teach someone that thoughts are the devil trying to tempt you, and I'm pretty angry about it. I understand that I'm genetically prone to OCD, but I wonder if I would have had a better outcome if I hadn't been taught these things. I'm doing a bit better in therapy with an actual ERP therapist, but I'm still struggling.

[@ciaraskeleton]

​@@Disgruntled_KinkajouI've experienced almost the exact same things. I was convinced God and the devil were having a 'spiritual battle' for my soul. I thought satan wanted my soul+I thought I was evil, and I when I told my mum she started praying loudly and it made everything so so much worse. I threw out objects BC I thought the objects were evil or were bringing satan into my life, I was scared to listen to certain music, I was honestly scared to breathe at times for fear of god or satan. Totally agree that it should not be pushed upon kids

[@Jax-zo8dl]

I'm personally not particularly religious, but I can understand just how painful and debilitating ocd can be, no matter what it's focused on. I also used to get a lot of "mind reading" obsessions, how I'd deal with it I I would try and scream as loudly and suddenly inside my own head as I could, and then quickly look around to see if anyone reacted, just to check that no one around me was a secret mind reader who was as disgusted by my thoughts as I was. Eventually it wasn't enough though because then my brain said that they can hear me preparing to scream so of course they won't react because they know I'm going to do it. Ocd can be really nasty.

[@Disgruntled_Kinkajou]

@@Jax-zo8dl I would press my lips together as hard as I could to make sure I could feel that my mouth was closed and I couldn't possibly be saying anything out loud.

[@rynvail521]

Omg, I also believed that people could hear my thoughts and that I was possessed by demons. I was taught that just THINKING about sinning was as bad as actually committing it, so my constant intrusive thoughts meant I was damned. I prayed CONSTANTLY but it never helped. Being five and thinking you are an evil person tainting everyone around you and full of demons and also everyone will find out because they can hear your thoughts was... Not fun.

[@MoodCandy79]

One of my friends OCD manifests in her not being able to do any homework or work until she understands everything PERFECTLY. Physics assignments that might take me 2 hours will take her 15-20 just because one value wasnt explained in a way that was acceptable. She has had panic attacks while we were goth working as graders for a class because the rubric didnt align with the assignment to her (honestly it was a mess anyway but something mildly annoying to me was so much worse for her). We both have AuDHD so I get the stress of not having a perfectly laid out plan with steps in order, but it has been eye opening just to see how much she struggles daily with things many people dont think twice on.

[@blasphemous_hippie]

I'm a student in college and I can relate to this in a similar way!! I'm super glad to read this from another person. I am incapable of taking notes and studying until I understand a concept in its entirety... which is kind of the whole point of taking notes so it really defeats itself. I'm obsessive about the formatting, about my penmanship, straight lines, and will even spend several minutes erasing what I've written over and over again (as in, the same sentence or a string of just a few words that don't "look right") until I've rewritten it to "perfection". As you can guess, this in itself actually hinders my ability to take comprehensive notes and therefore understand a concept better...ahhhhhhh

[@katzenbekloppt_mf]

Ups, yes, my first thought reading was "sounds more like my autism", good You mentioned You are both AuDHD, too, so there is a difference. Stil don't exactly get it, but hopefully the more often it is talked about the picture will look more detailed in future. It is very interesting to me!

[@penina8438]

I also had this problem in school (and a v occasionally now) and I never realized where it might have come from! Thank you for sharing this!

[@FeyPax]

That actually explains a lot of my issues. I severely avoid doing things I don’t understand and I always thought I was just a perfectionist. I don’t have full OCD but I was diagnosed with OCD tendencies based from my severe anxiety which leads into depression.

[@raconteur_riffraff]

wait this can be a form of ocd?

[@neonradius]

One thing about Turtles All the Way Down you might not know if you weren’t on tumblr (not exclusive to tumblr, but that sort of crowd) at the time was that John Green got a lot of hate for writing something he didn’t know about. Sure, you might say that you don’t want to read a teenage girl written by a grown man, but it was incredibly common for people to act like he either didn’t have a right to write about OCD because he didn’t fit into the picture some people wanted, or that he was either faking his disorder or exaggerating it. And I think it’s important to talk about how we react to other real people’s stories, too. You talked about how the lack of OCD representation leads to people projecting their own experiences onto characters to either say “yes this is accurate”‘or “no this is not”, but what about in real life? I’ve constantly heard people with a disorder making definitive, sweeping statements to exclude or include other people. I feel like this is especially prevalent if there’s a level of “You have it better than me”. John Green can’t have OCD, he’s a famous author and a white adult man and he has money and respect and fans, and I don’t see him suffering in videos with him in it, therefore he doesn’t have it and he’s stealing our experiences to profit off of them And while I think this is unfair in general, I think it gets worse when people take this to community and support groups. I’ve been told point blank by other people that I don’t have what I say I have, and oftentimes this only changes if I share extremely personal symptoms or traumas that make me “acceptable”

[@mayaenglish5424]

Meanwhile, John has literally taken this whole month off because of his mental health and isn't posting anything. He won't be back until August. But people don't seem to care about that. People really just need to figure out that they don't actually know anything lol. If you learned it from a tv show it's probably wrong. If you have a condition, your presentation of said condition is not the only way it can be.

[@Sagealeena]

It’s something that’s very common across minority groups. In my experience as a queer person, there’s a lot of discourse in the community about “who has it better” or “we’ve got rights (to marry) now so why push for anything else”. It’s often a issue with race and class as well, I grew up poor but luckily got access to a good education and so I had a different experience in some ways to those I grew up with. Within the disability community too, particularly within “subgroups” of different disabilities it can be a big issue. The neurodiversity movement is trying to move away from that, but I think it gets forgotten sometimes. Like many people, I got a late diagnosis of ADHD a couple years ago. I was “better off” because outwardly I was functioning (I was not), but even that outward perception meant I didn’t have certain barriers and stigmas toward me. Compared to my cousin who was diagnosed when we were kids (at the time with Asperger’s, would be considered ASD now), he faced difficulties but also got support (he has a federal job with flight control at the airport, with help from a disability employment agency, and he’s proud of the work he put in to finish uni and get the job). I try to remind myself and others that our experiences are just different, we’re not better or worse. I’m now pretty low functioning, wasn’t getting the support I needed and so I didn’t finish my degree, had to work a lot less, can’t socialise much, and really struggle with self-management. I got diagnosed with ASD two weeks ago now and they recommended I get help with certain things. I don’t think it’s helpful to say certain people are better or worse than others. It’s not true, and it means not everyone gets the support they need. I think it’s all a result of oppression and the effect of an artificial scarcity of role for minorities in society.

[@mayaenglish5424]

@@Sagealeena It all boils down to hurt people hurt people. You'd think they would know better, but often people in marginalized groups are major @$$holes once they have an "acceptable" target for their anger and vitreol. The suffering olympics is deeply unhelpful. That combined with the dehumanization of famous people and others on the internet, and we have a real problem. Especially with the democritization of fame that has happened over the last decade, where the "famous person" you're dehumanizing is some witty cashier at wendy's who has a tik tok acct or something. Idk, it's just depressing to see people's lack of compassion and consideration.

[@BelindaShort]

If you ever watch John on his videos, it's very clear he's suffering a lot

[@neonradius]

@@BelindaShortAgree, but for context what I talked about happened before John was nearly as public as he was now. This was when vlogs were still in their early days and internet celebrities were seen as different from “real” celebrities. I think it’s easy now for people to accept that John is telling the truth because he chose to be vulnerable and open, but back when he didn’t make nearly as much personal content people jumped to not believing him. Unfortunately this is a pretty common trend i’ve seen, where people refuse to believe someone about their disorder until that person is finally pressured into revealing very sensitive info they might not have been ready to reveal (not that I think John was pressured into anything, just that it can and does happen). The same thing even happens with sexuality, like the author of Love Simon who was publicly bullied and harassed for “being a straight girl writing about gay men” until she was finally forced to come out. It’s sad that we’re so entitled to peoples personal lives :/ I’m happy that John feels comfortable sharing his struggles, but he shouldn’t have had to

[@harpyspeaks]

I just started this video, and wanted to say: thank you. OCD is a horrible condition that is profoundly misunderstood. OCD is a demon that lives in your brain and whispers to you in your own voice. Intrusive thoughts can be so taboo and you genuinely comvince yourself that youre the most evil person who's ever lived. My experience with pOCD left me deeply depressed for months and i could barely go outside. Ill probably come back and add more as i watch the video. But god, thank you. It's been so misunderstood

[@harpyspeaks]

7:23 I'm so sorry. I have the extremely fun triad of OCD, ADHD, and tourettes, and the way that these interact with each other is so brutal. You feel so out of control of your own mind. From one adhd-ocder to another: you are so strong and just...thank you

[@harpyspeaks]

1:05:34 I want to add that my first debilitating OCD spiral was gender themed: I was terrified that I was a trans man, and developed horrible social gender dysphoria, terrified that it would mean that I would have to come out and upend my life, get surgeries and go on hrt. What was more distressing still is that I was already queer, and like you said, terrified that this was some sort of internalized transphobia. I definitely relate to the fear of not knowing FOR SURE who you are...in the end, amid a mass of confusion and years of denial, I figured out that I am in fact transmasc! But the fear of having to do everything in a strict binary way was a weird interaction of trans themed OCD and transmedicalism. It's been a confusing journey, but the thing that helped me untangle some of it was leaning into gender euphoria--something with positive content, and that's something OCD will always lack. To anyone suffering from sexuality or gender themed OCD, you are not alone. I hope your fixation eases and you find peace and clarity. ❤❤❤

[@AliciaGuitar]

My grandmother was the only person i ever knew who was actually OCD and she called it her "nerves". She was unable to hold a job, drive a car, or function without assistance. Just going to church meant an hour of her going around making sure the stove is off and everything, and my grandfather reassuring her many times, patiently waiting with us in the car. Her anxiety was thru the roof at all times. It is definitely not a simple quirk

[@ghost8974]

thank u sm for talking abt this! fuck jk rowling, but harry potter and the order of the pheonix helped me a lot with my ocd as a child, especially when i didn't know what it was. when harry has the dream that he is the snake that hurts arthur weasley, he's afraid that if he tells people he was dreaming from the snake's perspective, people will think he is a bad person. the fact that it was a part of voldemort in harry that is making him have these thoughts, and not a part of him, helped me to realise that my intrusive thoughts didn't mean anything about me as a person. something that still sticks with me is sirius telling harry "you're not a bad person, you're a very good person who bad things have happened to".

[@gymnasticsgirlie0647]

yesssss OOTP is such good representation of OCD without necessarily being intended that way

[@fauxclaws]

I have an OCD related disorder called dermatillomania, it makes me obsessively pick at perceived skin blemishes, excpecially acne. Some episodes used to be bad enough that I would use small scissors to cut off tiny parts of my skin for hours bleeding the whole time. It's really awful and I was only able to get it under control with medication and therapy for years, but even now it can get bad if I let myself get to stressed. the worst part is the whole time you know what your doing is unreasonable and WANT to stop, but your body won't listen and just keeps going. It definitely has nothing to do with organizing and being neat. I wish more serious types of OCD were shown in media. To anyone else who struggles with skin/hair picking hang in there, it can get easier with a lot of work.

[@SM-cs2my]

i have dermo too as well as trichotillomania (hair-pulling), though to a much more mild extent. it is distressing, realizing you're caught in it but you can't move on or function until the piece of skin or hair is **gone**, even once you've started bleeding. i've been compulsively ripping my hair since i was a kid, and it was a big relief to learn about body-focused repetitive disorders. since then, i've had no patience for "jokes" about people with ocd. it's hell. but, we have each other

[@cawingcrows2072]

​@@SM-cs2myi feel that, I've picked out most of my eyelashes because of that (as well as picking at acne, picking my lips to the point where i no longer have a cupids bow on my top lip bc i picked it so much, and picking at scabs and dry skin) I really like how you described being unable to realize or stop until it's done because thats truly how it goes 🫂

[@AliciaGuitar]

Wow, didnt know its related. I have the skin picking problem really bad. My grandmother had really bad OCD. My father has anxiety disorder. Seems like we inherited the same thing that just expressed differently maybe?

[@kneecole1282]

I have a version of this, I tear at my nails and the skin around my nails past the point of it being painful. Right now I'm having a hard time typing because one finger is really sensitive where part of the nail bed is exposed. People will openly tell me that my nails look gross and ask why I don't just stop. But even when I get it "under control", that usually just means it's manifesting in a different format like plucking hair on my arms or legs. I hate it so much.

[@Randoplants]

Being a supportive partner for someone with OCD is made harder by the lack of representation of people with OCD in relationships. I have ADHD, and there are so many intersections when the two of us need opposite things, and when I’ve gone looking online for advice - I general find articles and posts on ‘How to tell when it’s time to leave your (insert type of neurodivergence here) partner’ I would like representation of a romantic couple when OCD symptoms are high, and no amount of meds and other things are helping - because those times are difficult, but they aren’t impossible - and that people will love you even when you share what feel like the worst things about yourself ❤️

[@orchdork775]

If you haven't already, you should try looking in to relationship ocd. It's a set of intrusive thoughts and compulsions that are all based on romantic relationships. It might help you understand it. I have a lot of those personally, and it is definitely hard to get people to understand. Basically, the more you care about something, the more intrusive thoughts you will have about it. Your brain is trying to protect that thing by training you with these made up scenerios and what ifs, as if that will allow you prevent those things from happening. So if you partner really values being about cuddle with you, then she might start having intrusive thoughts that ask "what if it stopped feeling good to cuddle? What if he went to hug me when I am stressed out and because I'm stressed it feels bad and then that means that it won't ever feel good again?" That might cause her to only feel OK cuddling if everything feels right and there is nothing that could make her not enjoy it. But then, the fear that she won't enjoy it causes it to be unenjoyable because she is experiencing so much terror, so it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy that validates her fears. She might get to a point where there is no situation in which she can have physical contact with you, because the prospect of it causes her such severe distress. The way to address this is to focus on gradual exposure to the trigger. You need to find out what level of exposure causes a low enough level of distress that it is bearable and not harmful. Maybe a 3 out of 10. Then, the goal is for her to have that exposure while practicing coping mechanisms and recieving support, stopping if the distress gets too high. This all be in her control where she is the one who decides if she wants to do the exposure or not and she decides when to stop. It is possible and likely that you will need help with a therapist to do this, as she may not have any hoping skills. It's important that she learns how to challenge her intrusive thoughts and recognize that they don't really make sense. Beyond all of that, you showing that you want her to be comfortable and that there isn't any pressure for her to confront her fears before she's ready is really helpful. She needs a safe environment to explore these things. I have no idea if that cuddling thing resonates with you and her, but if it does, then hopefully this can help. I personally deal with these issues, though more so when it comes to sex rather than just cuddling, though I end up scared to cuddle because of the pressure I feel that I'll be expected to have sex. If my partner assures me that they are perfectly fine cuddling and have no expectation of anything else, and I have received emotional support from them before and feel like i can trust that they care about my wellbeing, then I am generally able to overcome the fear of cuddling and don't feel distress while doing it. Often, that leads to me feeling comfortable to go further, because I no longer have the fear that I'll feel pressured into doing something I don't want to do. I have a lot of other obsessions/compulsions with relationships, mostly doubts that my partner actually loves me and that maybe they are using me or being dishonest about certain things because they don't take my concerns seriously. How much this is an issue depends on how much my partner engages in behavior that triggers those doubts. Then there's fears that I will randomly stop loving them or they will randomly stop loving me. It's usually just a lot of replaying conversations over and over again overanalyzing it to find the hidden meaning and imagining possible scenerios where it turns out my partner reveals they don't love me or that they think horrible things about me or that they have been cheating etc. It can actually impact how secure I feel in the relationship, because the scenerios cause such intense emotions that feel real, so even if it didn't happen, I might still feel a general sense of insecurity or doubt about my partner's feelings. Usually some reassurance where they confirm that they still love me and whatnot is enough to make me feel okay again. Anyways, if you have any questions about ways to support your partner just let me know!

[@auggie3522]

Okay. I get the exact same "people can hear my thoughts" intrusive thoughts followed by the litany of horrible statements I don't agree with. I knew this was part of my OCD, and some other people must experience the same or similar things. But hearing someone else naturally explain their experience in a way identical to my own is still a HUGE relief. As much as we understand and accept our conditions, issues, and disabilities it is still so affirming every time we're reminded we are not alone in our experience.

[@theconversationalpainter2020]

I have OCD as well as two of my sons. I call OCD the theif of joy, you can never really enjoy yourself because you are constantly aware of what you and everyone else is doing.

[@QueenoftheHorizon]

There was an uncomfortable amount of girls I went to school with who claimed to be OCD in order to justify touching other people to do things like adjust their jacket hood, remove an eyelash, undo ponytails to redo them, grab their faces to touch up makeup, or other actions that "fixed" something they found annoying/bothersome. I absolutely hated that they thought it was a quirk and that that quirk gave them a free pass to touch anything and anyone they wanted without consent.

[@Pfpfpfpfpf2020]

Eww yeah I hated girls like that 🤦‍♀️

[@gabrielmaroto18]

Laughing so hard at all of the cleaning supplies on the shelf behind you. And that’s coming from a person whose best friend had to tell me. “Put down the broom. This is my engagement party”. ❤😂😅😇

[@katzenbekloppt_mf]

Ähm, my friends as a teenager (!) always said it is hard to not find me with the vacuum-cleaner when they come over (in my youth there was no Internet, mobile phones, etc so people just came to see if You are there, horrible to me today). As a child my mother had just forbid me to clean my windows beeing scared I could fall out of them, but adults loved that I was so tidy and me WANTING helping in household was nice for my working parents. (Late diagnosed AuDHD with big stress on the autism here...)

[@emilyniedbala]

I was diagnosed with OCD in my late teens before learning that I was Autistic a few years later. I definitely have obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors but it’s not clear whether those are an extension of my Autism or qualify for a separate OCD diagnosis. Because of this, I’m generally really cautious and careful about how I discuss the topic… and then people who have nothing even close say “I’m just so OCD” and I want to throw things!

[@20000dino]

No diagnosis is "separate". As someone diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, OCD, and BPD, these aren't traits of my character, they're framings compatible with my personality and cognitive functioning. This means that no specific action I do completely makes sense through the lens of "this was my OCD" - it usually fits within multiple camps at once, depending on what I'm towards explaining. Being both Autistic and having OCD is actually quite common.

[@bdm483]

We also can't know what's happening in other people's heads or lives. Maybe 'I'm so OCD' is said as a joke by one person. But also it might be that that person does have OCD symptoms, but they haven't quite realised it yet. Or maybe they do realise, and it's a soft launch to sharing it with people. We just can't know

[@honeyyy7707]

i feel this i'm self diagnosed autistic and not searching for a profesdional diagnoses for several reasons but i did get diagnosed with ocd and in the diagnostic process where several moments when stuff that i would attribute to being autistic were seen as compusions ect. so i'm still not compleatly sure about whether this rly is enough for me to have ocd even tho i am officially diagnosed with it. i don't have any contamination ocd and it's most of what gets portrayed in media as said in the video so i also don't really relate to most ocd representation on top of that

[@schmidtcs]

I feel exactly the same!!

[@ezra433]

struggling with this a bit right now in an "oh no is this something else to have on my radar or is it just an extension of the other stuff" kinda way

[@liamfay6748]

Adrian Monk from the TV show Monk is somewhat problematic but overall good representation. Lots of checking behaviors, lots of rituals. Whenever he passes a lamp post he has to touch it. There are “neat freak” behaviors, too, but they aren’t just a cute quirk - you can see how they genuinely affect his quality of life and how they worsen when external stressors are present.

[@shayne_has_landed2511]

If I remember correctly, Monk has had anxiety attacks or meltdowns in episodes. Which is probably the best representation on the market. It grosses me out that OCD is represented in media as something that non-OCDers gawk at rather than as a medical condition affecting the entire life of the character with OCD. There’s always time spent criticizing the compulsions, but there isn’t any space given for the character with OCD to show distress. The only distress emotion non-OCD writers and directors seem to want to give characters with OCD is anger (at other characters), without even the allowance to explain the validity of that anger. Wrapping up that comedically performed distress of the OCD character with a “woah, that OCD character needs to chill out! (laugh track plays)”. It’s writing OCD in a way for non-OCDers to laugh at, again, as if disabled people exist to be comedic for abled people- not allowed to have their own emotions and stressors. Monk’s compulsions are sometimes intended to be funny, but in an endearing way that brings the audience into his life with OCD, rather than in a criticizing way that intends for the audience to gawk at his OCD. And he’s a disabled title character, which we still barely get 20 years later! I absolutely bet a creator of the show either personally had OCD or was close to someone with OCD, because the meticulously intentional portrayal is definitely intended to be educational and properly representational. They wanted to make sure the audience saw how the stress of OCD personally affected Monk.

[@katzenbekloppt_mf]

Oh I love Monk so much and was happy when netflix germany added it some weeks ago so I can watch it again. Yes, it really shows how much he wants to get rid of it and that it has a severe impact on fullfilling many important needs. He clearly suffers! And also it doesn't deine what he is, he is also a loyal friend, a intelligent detective, has a complicated family story like many of us, etc People get mad at him for his behaviour but also respect and love him. I liked it a lot that time always beeing the quirky person with the need to order everything. (Late diagnosed AuDHD, not OCD, not knowing that time). And of cause I was called everywhere "Monk" then when I had to clean the tables at work again and put little plates under the coffee muss of my untidy collegues...

[@anzaia2164]

I know Monk is considered problematic, but it brings me a bit of joy to see the character appreciated here. The only thing I'm diagnosed with is ADHD, but I get real giddy watching Monk sometimes when he exhibits behaviours I also do. I distinctly remember a scene where he burns his finger on a hot lamp, and struggles against himself and his companion to touch it with the same finger of the opposite hand. And I sit there like "Oooh, this is _a thing?"_

[@justlola417]

I remember an episode where he had to do a test to try and get back into the police force, something he really wanted to do, and he knew all the answers but he spent the whole time trying to perfectly colour in one of the multiple choices circles, just endlessly filling and erasing and filling the circle, ripping the answer sheet and having to ask for a new one. Monks OCD was usually played for comedic effect but this time it really showed how devastated he was after that, it was one of the most heartbreaking things I'd ever seen, and the only representation of OCD I had ever seen up to that point where it actually hindered the character beyond being a little quirky

[@gpettigrewgmailcom]

Another thing about Monk that you learn through the series is that he used to have it under control, but when his wife died, he went into a downward spiral that he still hasn't crawled out of. I'm sure there are problems with the representation - certainly it was often played for laughs - but I'm surprised it wasn't mentioned at all.

[@lavendyre]

I don't have much to add but I do want to say that I was in the process of having Contamination OCD diagnosed after over a year of being obsessed with the fact that everything and anything was dirty, I would refuse to go on public transport, had to shower as soon as I arrived back home if I did get myself to go outside that day, I could not touch things my brain deemed "dirty" (eg, the trashcan lid to open it, the handle of the bathroom door) and after being so close to this diagnosis... the pandemic hit. And you can imagine how this effected my contamination OCD tenfold, it reinforced that fear I had already and also warped into thoughts that I was convinced I somehow knew of impending doom before it happened - how else does my brain explain my brain (honestly out of nowehere) getting obsessed with germs and fear of becoming deathly ill before the pandemic? I know, logically, of course I can't know if doom is around the corner, but when the thoughts start, they keep going until they stop as quickly as they started. It's exhausting, and this is just a huge ramble, apologies, but I am so glad this video was made.

[@Velo-vl3qj]

Yes, it's so hard when something happens that "confirms" an obsession. This type of coincidence can make OCD much worse, as can any very serious negative world event. It can feel very personal.

[@GamerGirl2347]

One of the most helpful (and sucky lol) parts of my treatment process has been the process of identifying what my obsessions cause me to fear, and then confirming it and sitting with that reality for a bit. Like, for me in this situation, I’d be like “I did cause the pandemic. I *did* somehow know that it was coming. I *am* going to get painfully, deathly ill from these contaminated surfaces. It will hurt and I will die.” And then kind of having to face the powerlessness of it all. Like, imagining the worst case, that those things are true and impossible to stop. …but then like. okay. i don’t want it to happen. but it’s sort of like being told someone is going to hit your arm and you can’t stop it. I don’t want it to happen, I know it will cause me to suffer.. and, that’s the end of it. And it forces to me start figuring out like, okay, well, what else are we gonna care about *while* this shitty stuff happens? Perhaps it might be helpful for you, perhaps not. The point is to recognize that a lot of the fear basis can simply be put into being unable to predict, prepare for, or prevent suffering within the unknowable future. And that, is absolutely true, and it’s horrible that any bad thing *could* happen to any of us at any moment. But that never goes away, so.. what now? Which is just as hard of an answer, and just as individual, but for me again it’s sort of just ‘try my best, nothing is under my control, so i’m tired of trying to control it. i’ll just enjoy what i can until the next suffer hits and then ride that out til the next enjoy”

[@1amazinggoddess]

Covid also made my contamination OCD way worse, so I feel you there. I hope you’re doing a bit better now. BEFORE the pandemic I started wearing a face mask and sanitizing, after the pandemic I couldn’t leave my house. I also developed contamination OCD over cleaning products and their potential to poison me or my pets. Still struggling with that stuff, but it’s getting better.

[@FrozEnbyWolf150]

I've had contamination related OCD since I was five. The pandemic didn't throw me for a loop though, because in a strange way, it validated what I was going through. It gave me a outlet and normalized behaviors I thought were shameful. No two people with OCD are the same though, so I just wanted to share a different perspective.

[@ovcaa_]

Your post made me very emotional, because I had almost the exact same experience. My contamination OCD started a few months before the pandemic hit. It was a nightmare, I would shower for 2 hours, obsessively scratching my body, after leaving the house, I would wash my hands for at least 15 minutes after touching anything. At some point I just stopped leaving my bed unless i really had to go to the bathroom or eat something. I'm a LOT better now, but I still feel like people close to me will never understand what was going on and just think I'm weird. It's comforting to find people with similiar experiences.

[@papacacto8580]

the nature of ocd, the horrible taboo thoughts you are forced to experience, makes it incredibly isolating. to tell anyone about it, you're violating T&C and it feels like risking everything.

[@alexjames7144]

My main problem with Emma on Glee was that in a subplot she dates Carl the dentist and he really helps her work through some of her issues, she makes huge progress (I'm aware this is not necessarily amazing representation and hot men can't just fix OCD but tbf to them it doesn't just fix it she just makes some progress because he's understanding and helpful). But then she breaks up with him, immediately goes back to how she was before and dates Will instead and nobody ever brings up that clearly he's toxic af because not only does she regress back to how she was before, she seems to get actively worse and often is triggered directly by the stress of dating him. How am I meant to root for their relationship when he explicitly makes her OCD worse????

[@Sootielove]

I don't have OCD, but I have struggled with intense, vivid intrusive thoughts since I was a child. Learning that OCD was more like that than just... obsessively clean, was a real wave of sympathy that flipped my thoughts entirely around. Intrusive thoughts, especially when you can't get rid of them, mess you up. I couldn't go down the stairs or cross a street without vividly picturing my own death and that's not condusive to "normal" behaviour

[@savannahkrystall2698]

Glee did OCD better with Kurt when his dad had cancer. His compulsions were portrayed as actions (organising salt packets, wearing specific colours, doing specific things at highly specific times of the day) while obsessing about the health of his family.

[@AugustTaylor-i7n]

As someone who went through childhood abuse. My harm OCD focuses on that quite a lot. It’s horrific. It’s terrifying. I could never put someone through what I went through as a child but then you hear that phrase ‘alot of abused people will become abusers themselves’ and I get so so scared and need to vomit because I’m terrified of the thought of ever harming someone. I would never and could never hurt somebody. It’s my biggest fear and something I feel very strongly in my morals and values. Yet my false memory OCD can sometimes convince me I’ve killed someone even when I KNOW logically I have not done such a thing. And I sit in a loop for hours or days retracing my mind and ruminating. It’s horrendous.💔

[@d3ada5tronaut]

it's amazing how often people who get diagnosed with OCD thought at some point that they had suffered from psychosis before they ever thought it could be that. my OCD diagnosis blindsided me completely

[@Devnet87]

Yes! I thought as a teenager that I had depression with psychotic features. My harm pure-O OCD gave me the most awful visions of hurting the people I loved, and often came with an actual urge to do it. It was horrifying not knowing what was really happening, and I despised myself for it. Thought I was evil, corrupt, non-human. I only got diagnosed a couple months ago, at 36. The second I got the dx, everything made sense and so much of my self-hatred just disappeared instantly. It was crazy.

[@mathildavere8966]

I had depression with psychotic features and then transitioned to OCD.

[@UndeadGirlCyber]

Thank you for making this video. I don't have ocd but I am happy when I can better understand other people's experiences in case I meet someone who does.

[@blasphemous_hippie]

My intrusive thoughts sometimes involve physically hurting myself but mainly involve hurting those around me, especially my loved ones. It's absolutely mortifying living like this day-to-day, constantly grappling with the thoughts, images, and compulsions of extreme violence that I am bombarded with mostly at random when I'm around others. Some days I quite literally cannot handle using/washing a knife to cook with because I'm afraid of what "might happen" so I go without and don't cook at all. It's such mundane tasks and moments that are interrupted by this heart-stopping, gut-wrenching, crippling fear of what I "might" do. I am the most sensitive, nonviolent crybaby of a person and know within myself I would and could never bring such harm onto others, much less the ones I love. And so being in tune with this knowledge, with myself and who I am, I do know that I wouldn't succumb to such compulsions. That's the only thing that makes it possible to grapple with these thoughts and images that flash in my mind without my own consent. That's not to say I don't struggle with this, it seeiously impacts my everyday life and it's pretty awful. But it's not the initial thought that defines me and what kind of person I am, it's how I process it and how I choose to handle it and get myself through the momentary fear. Thank you so much for this video, OCD is SUCH a highly stigmatized disorder, even though we're all trying to become more conscious of mental health struggles these days. Any help in destigmatizing is so, so appreciated!!!

[@katzenbekloppt_mf]

Thank You for telling this. I really like to learn from You all and think we definitly have to learn. I think it might be similar to psychosis. Growing up in the eighties, early nineties I thought those are dangerous people that need to be closed in psychiatric wards not to kill me or others. It was a thing in horror-movies, nothing that people around us could deal with and not harming anyone. I had to hear and learn about. In fact I did not hear much about intrusive thoughts and OCD before, I am to old for TikTok trends etc. But if I would be a person living a very conservative life and never had contact with people with any mental health issue or whatever (am AuDHD) I guess it could scare me. And I get how it must scare You yourself or others, especially if they don't know that is that OCD. It would make me mad! What a shitty thing, I am sorry for everyone who has to deal with it, it sounds extremly exhausting. I mean, I get exhausted by people, noise, etc. very quick, but I can go home then (and hope egoistic neighbour isn't loud again...). But to stop those thaughts in my imagination is much harder. I ruminate a lot, re-think or pre-think situations. But it sounds different to me.

[@William1w1]

So I'm just spitballing here. It's very likely I'm missing something, and it's totally okay if I'm completely wrong, but I'm just going to throw this out there. I have similar thoughts to the ones you describe, except often _MUCH_ less socially acceptable than simple stabbings, and all very vivid. I assume this is what everyone means when they talk about _intrusive thoughts._ When they happen, though-and they've been happening my whole life-they have no real impact on my emotional state. I'm used to them because they are normal. If I were bothered by them, however, or if I thought they meant something about my identity, I can easily imagine I'd start fixating on them and that they'd probably happen more often, sort of like how you keep thinking of a kangaroo if someone (including yourself) tells you not to think about a kangaroo. Doing this my whole life over and over in an attempt to block out these thoughts would surely reinforce the thoughts and my reaction to them to the point that it would drive me nuts. When I have these thoughts, if they leave any impression on me at all, it is a general bemusement about their absurdity, and I make no attempt to stop them. I wonder if you might do better by trying the same? Like, it seems to me it's the reaction to the thoughts, rather than the thoughts themselves, that is truly debilitating, and this reaction happens because you attribute morality to these thoughts and are bothered by their visual imagery. One thing I'd do if I were you would be to purposefully hold the knife and just let in whatever thoughts might come with no attempt to stop them and see how that goes, all the while remembering to be bemused by the insanity and violence of all the things I'm thinking. You could also try _purposefully_ thinking about the most depraved things you can imagine sometimes. I have no issue doing that. I am doing it now and am unbothered. I suspect the fact that I am unbothered by what I am purposefully thinking says something about how I can handle similar thoughts that appear involuntarily; and, based on what you have written, I suspect you would avoid such voluntary thoughts. If you think the most depraved things possible on purpose and get used to them, then anything you think involuntarily can't be worse. You don't continually think about pouring a glass of water, right? That's because pouring a glass of water is trivial and boring. Make the violence and debauchery of these other thoughts equally trivial and boring.

[@katzenbekloppt_mf]

@@William1w1 hm, the definition of an "illness" is that it bothers You. So I guess if they don't want those thoughts and that their lifes are impacted bad by it makes a difference to Your experience. I sometimes imagine doing violent things to people, but more because I feel treated unfair and am unable to do something against, so imagining a perfect revenge-thriller-supervillain me is a relief to deal with reality. And that doesn't bother me (like others when I told them thinking everybody does and they reacted shocked and disturbed, told me that this is unacceptable). I know I would never do that and I am not a person even being physically able to do, not to mention emotional (AuDHD). I am sure this is a BIG difference and I am very sorry for every person suffering on OCD and on top of that being judged.

[@ADubbs-fd8xf]

​@William1w1 What you've described can be very effective, it's called Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy and it changed my life! But it's the kind of thing that is really best done with a professional, like a therapist with some OCD experience/training.

[@cawingcrows2072]

I feel this so closely to my heart and I just want you to know that you dont have to suffer alone with this 🫂 I had the same fears really badly for a while and I think they may have caused a split in me resulting in alters from the serious stress and distress it caused me. I don't have that specific train of thought anymore but it's definitely moved on to a different train of thought. One thing that helped me rationalize is to consider my reaction to them. Me reacting with mortification and disgust means that I would never actually do those things. If you worry about those things, you aren't a bad person, you clearly care a lot. 🫂

[@oinkersboinkers7188]

I have severe OCD, to the point I was hospitalized numerous times for it, and I feel like everything you’ve said is spot on. I have lost friends because of my OCD, and that feeling of being unlovable was hard to overcome (my friends also called me unpalatable, which definitely didn’t help) point is, thank you for making this video; you’ve put into words thoughts that have swirled around my head for years now. ♡

[@yarnpenguin]

I don't have OCD, but I am an AuDHD'er and I have frequent intrusive thoughts of the, yeah, unpleasant, harmful kind. Brief as it was, I am glad you gave a very gentle call out to the current moral panic gripping the internet (and especially fandom) spaces about how what we think (or the art we make) is fundamentally what/who we are as people. I've had therapists in the past tell me that my first thought is not, in fact, who I really am, but my *second* thought (ie, where I reject the intrusive thoughts) is who I am. And I 1000% believe the therapists, not the moral panic nightmare people, but I've seen the moral panic nightmare people make awful declarative statements about those who have taboo intrusive thoughts, dogpile them, tell them to kill themselves, say they should be ostracised, etc. My heart just aches for anyone who sees that trash, doesn't have a support system to tell them what I've been told, and then thinks they really are a monster and need to take drastic measures.

[@kidlewinter5027]

I don’t have OCD but I’m autistic and sometimes get intrusive thoughts… so it seems less completely alien to me as a concept than it is for most people probably but it’s still really interesting to hear about different experiences because while I do have intrusive thoughts and repetitive behaviors I don’t have OCD and the intrusive thoughts are more just being fixated on things some of which are upsetting and the repetitive behaviors are for completely different reasons so it’s really helpful and interesting to hear about people’s experiences with OCD

[@meowcatmeowkitty]

I'm in a similar boat. The obsession half sounds so familiar but I don't have the compulsions. It makes me wonder how people without the compulsions deal with the distress. To be fair, though, in my case negative obsessions aren't a daily occurrence and anxiety meds do a good job of preventing them. It's probably much more taxing to deal with them frequently.

[@katzenbekloppt_mf]

Yes, beeing AuDHD definitly gives me an idea of how it could be, but to be fair it is very different to me and I had no idea how damaging it could feel.

[@harrybrich6049]

There are honestly a lot of overlaps with parts of OCD and Autism from a diagnosis stand point. They were actually testing me for autism when I was first showing signs for my OCD, but deemed I was “too social” for that to be my full diagnosis. My main compulsion is with hand rubbing and the intensity increases based on the thoughts I have. It first manifested when I was daydreaming a lot as a kid. I would spend hours just pacing around the living room or my bed room rubbing my hands imagining various scenarios of anime, power rangers, etc. and would tell my family I was just “thinking”. It’s evolved as I’ve gotten older obviously and is much more in tune with my overall emotional state. I have ways where it manifests when I’m happy or excited, when I’m extremely upset, anxious or sad, it escalates into slapping the sides of my arms and the back of my head. And I also have a lot of stimming behaviors and obsessive knowledge on certain things and media I love. Like give me trivia about RuPaul’s drag race and I’ll probably know some weird deep cuts.

[@CristalianaIvor]

harry that sounds extemely autistic to me, don't let anyone tell you, that you are "too social to be autistic" - we are jsut human beings like everyone else we also crave social interaction!

[@FrozEnbyWolf150]

I'm both, and one of the things that helped with my OCD was channeling my obsessions into special interests. If I'm constantly learning new things, then my obsessive mind is occupied on something constructive. It doesn't always work, but the OCD doesn't interfere with my life as much as before.

[@Sentientmatter8]

I watched this whole video. It's very triggering to me, to hear about other people's compulsions, because it sets off my own, so it's been a hard day, but the video was worth it. This video is so important Rowan. I hope many many people watch it.

[@kit1063]

I’m only a few minutes into the video, but I’d like to add: compulsions can also be specific thoughts! Sometimes, the compulsions are *not visible* ! It took me so long to stop feeling imposter syndrome because my OCD is primarily the ‘Pure O’ type and you *never* hear or see about that in the media.

[@middlemuse]

It’s confusing to me when someone can’t understand the concept of an intrusive thought. I don’t have OCD, but I still sometimes have upsetting intrusive thoughts. Because I don’t have OCD, I’m able to go, oh, that’s really upsetting, let’s not go there, but like, it’s so easy to imagine what it would be like not to be able to do that.

[@villageidiot7584]

Just last week I had someone come into my discount book store and sarcastically say "wow it's so organized in here, it's great for my OCD" and it took everything I had to not jump over the counter and yell that that is not what OCD is. I have multiple friends who deal with OCD and the cutesy sanitized version so many people claim it to be causes me immense rage.

[@idontevenhaveapla7224]

I mean, maybe they had the cleaning obsessed ocd

[@lindensalter6713]

Haven’t even watched the video on it but I trust you do at least a half decent job and I’m thankful for it. It’s frustrating that no one I talk to understands what an intrusive thought is unless they experience it too and the assumptions people make annoy me to no end

[@katzenbekloppt_mf]

I am really sorry! I am AuDHD but although I am always the "strange one that has to order or do things in a restrictive way" I just had no idea about how OCD feels or what it really can be. But I am very interested and open to learn more.

[@tico210]

Your explanation of how OCD worked in child-you was incredible - I haven’t heard much about how OCD is experienced by the young, mostly how it currently manifests for people (usually 20s-older). That blurring of the outside and mental world and memory- it really feels like a perspective shift in how I think of OCD in a child.

[@Green-FUKUFUKUFUKUFUKUFUKU]

wait the description in the first 5 minutes jumpscared me actually ngl. "oh, a teddy holding a teddy bear? wow, I didn't know there were such explicit mental illusions involved, at the very least, in the early growing ages with OCD!" and then you said "strike a bargain, where if I fulfil these imaginary rules, blah blah blah" and I'm like O_o so when I was genuinely creeped out and scared as a child of all those imaginary bugs in the air that I knew were imaginary but I could see them anyway, and I had to hide under my blanket for a while until they passed by could have been a genuine delusion?? as far as I know, I don't have OCD, but it's wacky to see something so familiar and to recall fluidly a memory I haven't thought about in a long time from it. plus, the disturbing sexual thoughts one is especially relatable, I experience this all the time, but I've chalked it up to (and it very well could be) from the sexual traumatic experiences in my early to late teens, but it sounds kinda similar?? but all disorders have certain overlapping features with others, so this isn't me saying "oh, i definitely have OCD because of these few relatable things" and stuff now, but its definitely made me think.

[@Velo-vl3qj]

I can't say one way or the other of course, but I will throw this out there: As a child with OCD, I was much more aware of visual field phenomena like eye floaters and after-images. However, I think many very young children can see things that aren't there, and of course can misinterpret phenomena.

[@Green-FUKUFUKUFUKUFUKUFUKU]

@@Velo-vl3qj a very good point!!

[@anzaia2164]

I'm in a similar boat right now... I mean, I knew I experience a good amount of its symptoms, but they aren't so frequent that they impact my daily functioning, so it can't be a disorder, so it can't be OCD, right? It's not like it's curable anyways, and I don't think it would be worth bringing up with the psych, but maybe I _should_ have a closer look into the symptoms and possible coping strategies. Have a good day

[@Green-FUKUFUKUFUKUFUKUFUKU]

@@anzaia2164 right?!? you get it

[@orchdork775]

You should look into visual snow, which is a condition that causes static in your vision. I was also afraid of invisible bugs in the air when I was a kid, and it's because I was seeing static and getting intrusive thoughts that it could be bugs. My parents took me to a child psychiatrist, but nothing came of it and I stopped getting freaked out about the static shortly after once I got used to it. By the way, visual snow doesn't seem to cause any other issues other than the static, and I haven't found any explanation for why it happens. It's apparently a pretty new in terms of it being recognized as a thing by scientists and whatnot.

[@sophie1564]

As someone with severe OCD, this is an incredibly well-researched and articulate video that covers so many of the intricacies of living with OCD. I really hope that people without OCD come across this and truly take the time to learn something. I am desperate for OCD to become understood by the general public.

[@hiimaperson4790]

Growing up, I had no idea that I have OCD, because I always thought it was being very neat and stuff, and I never was obsessed with cleaning. It was only after my OCD got so severe was self harming and had a develop dangerous eating disorder that I found out at a mental hospital that I had OCD and could really start on treatment which is effective for me. If I didn't constantly see OCD as a cleaning thing maybe I could have caught it before my body got so damaged.

[@justalittleloser2482]

for a long time ive "just barely" avoided developing ocd- i don't spend enough time fighting intrusive thoughts with rituals. but everything in this video is still extremely relatable- and it helps me understand myself a little better, thank you

[@samiraaleah]

I never genuinely thought i had OCD until you talked about your compulsion with 3s. But I am Autistic and a lot of what you mentioned does show up in Autism at times. Thanks for sharing your experience.

[@chameleonrose16]

Thank you so much for this video. I wasn't diagnosed with OCD until I was 28 and having this information earlier would have been life changing for me. I've spent the entire decade of my 20's trying to sort out my mental health, and having people openly discuss these topics in depth with no judgement is so incredibly crucial.

[@Sarah-zt3oc]

Rowen, i just wanted to say that this video means so much to me as someone with severe intrusive thoughts. I am thinking about seeking out an OCD assessment because of this video and how much i resonate with it

[@zackzhang8472]

I'm newly diagnosed with OCD, thanks for this video.

[@percyyval]

ive noticed that people sometimes doesnt realise there is a difference between OCD and being germaphobic

[@VioletEmerald]

Germaphobia and OCPD really affect people's lives too.

[@aporianyx-mw9gl]

ive been a mental health advocate for 7 years, and have a psychology special interest, but, it took me watching this video to piece together that i share a concerning amount of similarities with OCD, and ill be looking into seeking a professional who can help me figure things out.

[@shayne_has_landed2511]

The recent release “I LIVE IN YOUR HOUSE” by Patrick McDonald (which is a home invasion trauma and psychosis trigger) surprised me with how well the actor Amanda Lehan-Canto portrays the mental experience of someone struggling with obsessions. The film is meant to be wacky and somewhat comedic, but the performance given really personally spoke to me as a pretty accurate representation of obsessive anxiety. The character doubts the validity of her fears, but can’t stop obsessing about them. She continues to be functional despite her obsessions and compulsions, but then slowly deteriorates under the stress. She has that OCD experience of knowing that logically everything is okay, but 100% certainty still isn’t enough to conclude that everything is actually okay. There’s elements used to portray the character’s obsession to the audience in first person, especially in a beautiful scene midway through. The way I related this film to OCD was absolutely not intentional on the writers’ part, but I feel like it would be a good reference to open up the OCD conversation for someone who doesn’t understand OCD. Be wary that this film could be a trigger, but I would recommend this film to people with OCD who can watch it safely. If it’s triggering and you still want to watch it, practice self care, don’t go in blind to an exposure. But I think many people with OCD would appreciate the performance.

[@katiefleece]

I agree with all of this! The short film immediately made me think of my OCD.

[@Minecraft2331]

Growing up I had "legal" compulsions, where my brain would put something I might do or might've done in my head, and so as a compulsion I would constantly read and research the laws regarding the specific acts despite me not wanting to do them or not having done them. This consumed hours of my days most days, growing up and made me feel like I was a monster because I genuinely believed I might do these things despite not wanting to. I also have also struggled with constant counting, I don't have a magic number, but I will count up till it feels right then start over or count down from a number that feels right, those are the two biggest impacts that take up a lot of time, and they are mainly internal. As a result I nevet told anyone and didn't know that was OCD till later in life and just lived with it for most of my childhood and teenage years

[@katzenbekloppt_mf]

Is it something like I feel and heard a lot of others feel too (not having OCD) that You have a ticket but get really stressed when they come to control because You just IMAGINE for a second You have none, even You know better? Or this when there is police and You think "they will watch me and think I am a criminal, don't behave so You!", even not even be able to cross red traffic lights? I am AuDHD, but I heard I share those feelings with a lot of so-called "normal" people. So is it like those thaughts but more and permanent? I really want to get it and understand better, so if You feel okay with it I'd like to know more.

[@Minecraft2331]

@@katzenbekloppt_mf It's like... I'm not sure how to really describe the intrusive thoughts. Kind of like a what if question, like "what if you ran that light just now" or "what if you accidentally broke that thing" or "what if you were to hurt some one in a specific way" or something like that. These thoughts then sort of spiral, but because there's no way to prove I did or didn't do a specific thing, I can't prove with 100 percent certainty that the dent in a random car wasn't there before I got there or that the light was green before I went through it. As a result instead I have to look up all the definitions for say larsony, what counts as it, what happens if I did it, what if it was an accident, etc. which takes a long time, hours sometimes. All of which is predicated on something I'm 99.9999% certain I didn't do, or wouldn't do. Then sometimes I would also have to look at what would happen if they found my search history, would that be proof, what happens if I go to this website on accident, etc. It's a long spiral of just pure hypotheticals that I can't break out of. I'm not anxious about it my mind is just constantly injecting these "what if" thoughts and to break satisfy it I have to look it up and figure out what if. But it's never just one thought, it's a series of them that will take me hours sometimes to get through. But if I don't indulge it it's worse, like the uncertainty of it eats away at my psyche quite quickly, like a really bad itch or burn and I need ice, but inside my head. Additionally it's a lot of the same things, like the number of times I've looked up the laws for hit and runs I could recite them from memory, but everytime my brain asks what if, I have to re look them up because what if I'm misremembering them, what if they've changed, what if I'm thinking about the wrong statute, or so on.

[@katzenbekloppt_mf]

@@Minecraft2331 oh that sounds really complicated to me. First I thought "oh, good, You are NOT scared", but then I went on reading and it does cause You a lot of stress. I had the idea "why not using it if You have already learned so much and (wasted? paid?) spent so much time on it and study law", but that wouldn´t be helpful but cause more stress, hm? I watched Claires video last week or the week before on her OCD and that meds and therapy helped here so much, so I wish You and all the others my very best. Thanks for answering!

[@taylorrenee2287]

your video made me realize that certain behaviors of mine are OCD compulsions. i’ve known i have OCD for a while now, but the continuous discovery of behaviors i’ve had since childhood and new behaviors are not just weird or quirky things about me is life changing

[@freya8694]

This video is so important! Hopefully, there will be a variety of OCD themes and less surface-level rep in the future which will help people get the help they need sooner x

[@fimbles4211]

I recently got diagnosed with OCD and I'm not clean or neat. I didn't even know what I was going through WAS ocd because I just thought I was a horrible person.

[@DancingSword]

I literally went "Oooh!" several times out loud when I saw just THE TITLE of this video and the thumbnail like an excited chimpanzee. This is SUCH an important thing.

[@the_bandcamp_one]

i was literally fuming about this whole concept earlier, so excited to watch this

[@ske_kt2048]

I gasped out loud when you explained how you "trick" the lamppost counting instinct by closing your eyes - that's literally what I do, too. Thank you for making me feel seen and a little less alone ❤️

[@lindensalter6713]

For that “my intrusive thoughts won” trend, did that start as people actually talking about intrusive thoughts then it spread out into the disaster it became? I remember the first skit TT I saw was someone in a dark way making light of her intrusive thoughts while driving and I swear it had something about “if my intrusive thoughts won” or something but that could be my brain inserting the trend into the TT. It wasn’t until after I saw that TT that I saw that horrid misrepresentation of a trend take over TT and the 1st TT I saw was big by a big creator. I guess in the end it doesn’t matter how this trend started with how much damage it created but it feels like there would be something else to it if it started as people actually talking about their experience in a dark humor way

[@nickimicki6484]

When i was diagnosed by my psychiatrist my mom was very against the diagonsis because i didn't have the typical kind (like in the movies). We definitely need more representation in media about the different kinds of OCDs.

[@bellaherreweyers3579]

“its hard to trust my thoughts/feelings” …oh my god. i never realized thats probably why i have to think soooo deeply about how i feel because i dont trust that it isnt an obsession! thank you for this video. explaining ocd is very very very difficult.

[@jam-yh3bl]

really loved the section about moral OCD and stigma - as a queer teen i spent a lot of time online around activist ideas but didn't realise what moral OCD was until this year and just thought i was uniquely horrible and a Bad Person

[@isthiscereallife]

One of my less frequent OCD obsessions that actually have physical compulsions is unplugging every electrical appliance so a house fire doesn't happen. My dad's friend and I were talking about OCD and I thought ahe understood me, but when I mentioned that obsession, she told me it wasn't OCD but a phobia. I can't even describe the bad emotions that came with her saying that. Felt let down

[@cawingcrows2072]

Holy shit I do that too I didnt realize that was an OCD thing

[@Velo-vl3qj]

So grateful for you making this video 😭😭😭 Literally tearing up watching because I have seen so little representation of OCD, and you have the platform to be heard. I also appreciate you acknowledging that OCD with cleaning compulsions is real (and distressing). Often because this type of OCD is so overrepresented in media, there is a reactive tendency among people who have OCD to say that OCD is NOT about cleaning. This just isn't always borne out by reality. I completely agree that we need the space to safely have discussions and actually build community knowledge and share experiences in a safe space. You had mentioned having the obsession about people being able to hear your thoughts- I've had many similar ones, and despite being reasonably educated about OCD, this is the first time I have heard someone else say they have this obsession. I would love for us to be able to share these things freely. I think a lot of this also applies to psychosis. The conversation around mental health and neurodiversity has also not encompassed them with understanding. The conversation and the spaces it creates are lacking for people with OCD, with psychosis, with personality disorders, and other less understood and more stigmatized disorders.

[@camrosie]

I had OCD tendencies growing up, but didnt get diagnosed until a couple years back during a very intensely stressful point in my life that brought it to the forefront of my life. i did months and months of exposure response prevention therapy and managed to lessen the distress. for some reason, after getting "better" i never thought of the possibility of things getting that bad again. my stress has been getting very bad again, and i've noticed a huge resurgence in my more extreme compulsions. i'm glad to have this video to come back to. and thank you for bringing up the intersectionality aspect, that shit is so important.

[@taylregene]

I didn't know I had OCD (mostly moral) until like 6 months ago. I thought my constant vigilance about not being a bad person was actual evidence that I was really fucked up, so I never told therapists or anybody about it because then they would think I was horrible....I think a lot of people's OCD gets missed in that way. And of course only now am I getting treatment that actually helps my anxiety after 10+ years in therapy because normal CBT methods of arguing with the thoughts just made my OCD so much worse!

[@jam-yh3bl]

exactly the same here!

[@willowsnsakura]

You mentioned it in the video, but something I'm really nervous about with all this is the STEEP rise of the genuine belief in thought crime in online spaces. I've watched it get really bad in fandom spaces, and it's.... It's so nerve-wracking. There are a lot of younger fans who think that anyone consuming, discussing, or liking taboo/dark (fictional) media is an abusive threat, and they should be punished by whatever means possible--ranging from typical internet harassment like bullying or online stalking, to exposing people to life-threatening situations in the hopes of killing them through constant suicide bating or outting them as queer to family members while they're living in dangerously homophobic areas. And like... I *get* it. Even though it's all make-believe (and stuff you can find in most TV shows nowadays anywho) I understand why younger people would look at some stuff and say it's disgusting, you're a monster for looking at that, I want you gone. But then they get obsessive, and I see them talking to each other about it, voicing problems with it, and it SOUNDS like OCD. The constant vigilance and self-policing, the worries that they're going to become someone bad and trying to do everything they can to NOT become bad even when those rituals don't really do anything, the utter consumption is has over them. It's going to fuck them up. I mean with surface level things, it IS fucking them up. I hear about and have seen kids saying that they think they're pedophiles because they have a crush on someone from school who's the same age as them (because liking anyone underage makes you a pedophile, regardless of whether or not you're also a kid); I see them throwing around virulent racist slurs when someone doesn't like a thing the way they think they should and regurgitating supremacist and nationalist talking points without realizing it (and doubling down when it's pointed out); I see them thinking they were abusive for asking for help, or saying someone else was being abusive because they were openly having a tough time mentally; HORRIFYINGLY, I see children insisting that the only people you should be contacting about all adult stuff ARE adults, including things about sex, and asking to see proof of extremely dark shit when someone mentions they found some without the distinction of whether or not it's fictional or real (and sometimes it HAS been real)... Like..... It's a relatively recent thing (the past five years or so?), but you KNOW it's giving them complexes about so much. They're also growing up online where doubting whether or not this is healthy or admitting that they might have been wrong could get them on the receiving end of their own harassment campaign, so it instills in them that they HAVE to be on the lookout for this stuff all the time...but, because none of it is real and it's all fiction, it's also instilling this idea that things that exist only in your head can make you inherently a bad person who needs to be hurt lest you hurt other people, and that's. Like. **That's OCD. That's intrusive thoughts.** I feel like they're all teaching and encouraging themselves and each other to have these miserable, life-ruining thought patterns, but they're too young to understand that's what's going on, and by the time they DO realize it, it will have become a habit they now need to unlearn. And then they'll also have to do the extremely hard work of confronting all the things in their head they'd been telling themselves for years were "too bad" to think about. And beyond all of that, I feel like the express avoidance of all of these hard topics will make them even easier targets for predators and predatory systems, because they haven't been able to fully utilize one of the most important parts of fiction--confronting difficult things so you can better recognize and deal with them when you run into them in the real world. This is related to a lot of other stuff too (I feel like there's a direct link between the rise of conspiracy theory groups and online policing in young people online), but the EXTREMELY uncomfortable similarity to OCD with the rationale behind all this makes me so nervous. Randomly one day I was talking with someone and they threw out that they didn't know what intrusive thoughts were, but they'd been having them and they were really relieved to know they weren't just a monster. How many other people don't know what they are? How are they supposed to find out if they can't talk or ask about it, let alone fucking THINK about it?? It's fucked. It's fucked up.

[@kitsuchii5825]

Christ... These are such good points, honestly. So much of online behavior is eerily mentally ill when you take a step back, and this explains so much. I was once a big viewer of commentary creators and plenty of them would comment on the same patterns of kids getting themselves into drama over the lightest taboos (questionable convos with friends, venting online, the tiniest of age gaps etc.). The narratives of videos on the aftermath of these dramas would usually conclude that it's bad intention or stupidity, but this just seems like another one of the various ways the internet contributes to mental illness in kids. Especially when for many of them who grew up on the internet, as far as they know, anyone could be a predator, abuser etc. You're essentially forced to police yourself and surveil others to stay on any form of moral high ground when consuming a lot of internet content. I'm not sure how often it's talked about, but I certainly gained some trust issues and obsessions from my presence on the internet. It seems like every day, some old content creator is found to be a pedo or a manipulator of some kind; for the people who grew up on that content and used those creators as beacons of morality it certainly can feed into a horribly distrustful attitude online and in real life.

[@fionatastic0.070]

@@kitsuchii5825This isn’t to say that the internet has perpetuated this issue on a wide scale because it’s run by companies that make money off of engagement regardless of harm, but I don’t know that it wasn’t going to happen without the internet. Things like purity culture, being ostracized from your community, finding out someone you trusted was abusive and other people brushed it under the rug, peer pressure, etc. existed pre-internet for kids to police each other with.

[@shadowcatgamer2521]

Gotta be real, this is extremely funny to read because being in environments like this might have been one of the things that led to me developing OCD =) Completely outside of my genetic risk factor, the earlier signs, and all of that. I'm close with my younger sibling, so I'm hoping that the things I've learned while growing can help them stay away from that path, and maybe help their friends too, if need be. It's not so much the questioning of whether things are morally dubious, but the way that people view things in such a black and white manner that "morally dubious" is no longer a term that can be applied to anything.

[@hollyebert6547]

I’m so happy other people have noticed the similarity between online thought policing/callout culture and OCD! I’ve said the same thing to my friends and family who are aware I have the condition. This behavior is very prominent in social justice spaces, which commonly intersect with fandom spaces. What originally led me to this epiphany was the absolute vitriol directed at people who were spreading awareness of intrusive thoughts for some sort of OCD awareness holiday or event, including intrusive thoughts of bigotry. The way people responded reminded me so much of what my OCD tells me whenever I have an intrusive thought and I started to connect the dots between that tendency and the way people behave online regarding other topics. I strongly believe a lot of these people have obsessive compulsive tendencies they would benefit from getting treatment for or at least learning about, it would make their lives a lot easier and maybe they’d think about how their actions affect others as well. I know I became not only happier, but less of a pain in the butt with therapy and basic awareness of my struggles.

[@dangernoodledee111]

It took me years to realize I had OCD not just because of how people portray it as stuff like cleaning, but because of how RITUALS are portrayed. Sometimes an OCD ritual isn't external, it's internal. One common ritual of mine is iternally yelling at myself repeatedly until the thoughts go away. Another is just hitting myself. I generally wish more OCD rep showed certain more morbid intrusive thoughts (as they seem to be surprisingly common). It would be so healing to see a character struggle the way I do and then be told that they are not a bad person for experiencing intrusive thoughts

[@PolentaTaragnarock]

I've had OCD ever since i was a kid, yet I've developed an acute awareness of its functioning just a few years ago. It's hands down the worst thing that has happened in my entire life, yet sometimes i'm kinda grateful to have it, since i can now spread awareness of how it's like to live with your worst enemy inside your head while the entire (neurotypical) world thinks they're like you for liking order. Thank you, THANK YOU for talking about us!

[@strawberrylily5867]

i havent finished the video and i still havent gotten a diagnosis so take this with a grain of salt but this 16:26 is me. in my first year of high school i got an intrusive thought that severely fucked me up, it felt as if my world was shattered and my world view and view of myself has never been the same. for a good year i was stuck in my own head and had such massive anxiety and physical pain that resulted from it. it genuinely was the worst thing i have ever experienced it was like i was in constant battles with myself. what saved me was when i found a form of people talking about their experience with the specific ocd obsession i was struggling with. i cannot stress enough how much learning about others experiences helped me, and helped me find myself again. ive spent this last year basically recovering and learning more about ocd while still struggling with different obsessions. i still have bad days and a lot of doubt in my head regarding it (and it’ll probably be like that until i get an actual diagnosis) but genuinely videos and media like this that teach people what ocd is really like are so needed !!!!!!!!! i wonder what it could of been like had i actually knew what ocd was

[@GiggleHertz64]

It’s truly a rough time. I’m not diagnosed either, but I heavily suspect OCD in myself. I have intrusive thoughts that are “sticky” & repeat over and over & over again like the most evil broken records, & it doesn’t help that I ruminate on them constantly after they occur. It’s this vicious cycle that has been ongoing since I was 11/12. I’ve had my view of myself cracked like an egg on pavement so many times because of this horribleness. Reading about other people’s experiences has been a godsend; by no means has it cured me but it has made me feel so much less alone. It has made me feel human in the worst of times. Best of luck to you w/ your recovery.

[@gymnasticsgirlie0647]

Not to burst your bubble, but getting an official diagnosis is most likely not going to cure you. Having a therapist officially diagnose will probably provide you more clarity, but like Rowan stresses in this video, no logical fact is going to provide your OCD the certainty it demands to truly make it go away. Know that you will need therapy to actually treat your OCD. And even then, many say that OCD can never truly be cured (If we are defining cure as 100% guaranteed to never come back and will not affect you ever again). It can be treated (in fact it is highly treatable!) and your day-to-day will likely get significantly better, but there is a chance you may relapse. This is because the gene that codes for OCD has been epigenetically turned on in your body, and your brain is used to those thought patterns and may revert back to them. Remember that even if that is the case, though, your treatment will teach you the skills needed to deal with those feelings so you are never truly back to square one. There is so much hope and you can recover! By the way, just as a little bonus tip, when looking for a therapist to diagnose and treat you I would definitely look for one that specializes in OCD and related disorders, which is usually an exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapist. There are other therapies used for OCD including acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and inference based cognitive-behavioral therapy (ICBT), but ERP is considered the gold-standard treatment and works in about 80% of cases. Just whatever you do, don't get a talk therapist. That usually makes OCD worse by reinforcing compulsions.

[@gymnasticsgirlie0647]

You could also try meds, btw.

[@oritot]

Thank you! i feel so thankful that you made this video. With conversations like these I stop feeling like a forever victim of my brain and i feel more like a human who shares similar pain with a lot of others

[@Lomdurnk]

Thank you so much for this video. I've never seen a video essay about OCD before and I've been suffering with it for so long it's become a painful part of my identity I feel like most people can't relate to. They either think it's funny and stupid or dangerous and deserving of punishment. I literally saw a comment on tiktok saying people "who think about stuff like this should be put down like dogs". I almost spiralled righ there and then. Thanks again.

[@rfrolicarts]

This was really informative. I've had scary moments where my anxiety gets out of control and I've absolutely convinced myself that I left my boyfriend's dog outside on a hot day, and she's going to get heatstroke. I've never forgotten her before. There's no logical reason to believe I did it. The urge to go back and check is overwhelmingly powerful. The idea of coping with that kind of thought/anxiety basically 24/7 is terrifying. I feel for anyone who has OCD.

[@L0VEisAmixtape]

Wow... i never considered this but the noisiness of color and patterns is truly so distracting... and I have ADHD and I genuinely WAS distracted by all the variety of colors and patterns and jewelry and decor... that it made it so diffict for me to prioritize my goals or tasks because i wanted to make sure i was expressing myself... because self expression via fashion and colors and patterns is put on such a high pedestal in our society. Woah. Really thought provoking.

[@meggylee8078]

I initially felt very invalidated by the thumbnail of this video and avoided it altogether. I have severe anxiety and get disturbing intrusive thoughts as well - but I don't have OCD. The silly face plus intrusive thoughts plus ocd in the title just made me feel a lot of shame. After finally watching the video I see you are not gatekeeping this experience. Your description of intrusive thoughts was well done and I don't sense gatekeeping here. Loved the video

[@becky1854]

I've recently begun learning more about ocd and am surprised at how much I see myself in other people's descriptions. Thank you for helping me learn more

[@papricotic]

i was going to stay this is exactly why the idea of manifestation or ‘thinking things into existence’ is so insidious and horrifying to me. for someone who can’t control their own thoughts and has a disorder that’s characterized by preventing/causing shit with your mind and thoughts, that is a Molotov cocktail waiting to explode. it’s the idea that sent me into the most debilitating OCD spiral of my life. it’s so awful and every time i hear it i get so upset. i just think it’s one of those things that has the potential to be very dangerous to people with schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders as well as people with OCD

[@Violetstar42]

This discussion helped me understand OCD a lot better thank you. I don't personally suffer from OCD but my grandfather did and I knew things were difficult for him but I never truly understood it on a deeper level so I appreciate hearing the personal perspectives of others who have dealt with it. I do think we need to discuss mental health issues with sincerity and empathy before we try to approach it with our personal ideas of morality or other judgements.

[@Sly-Moose]

This helped me more than you can possibly know... I thought there was no hope for me... That lack of hopelessness sure doesn't pair well with my depression. 😅

[@ADubbs-fd8xf]

Wishing you luck, my friend. It really does get better, not perfect, but so much better. We all rooting for you. ❤

[@reallyjojoify]

Haven't seen the video but just wanted to quickly say: Rowan, thank you so much for being open about your OCD and making content about it that is honest about how hard it can be to have at times. Years ago I saw a video of yours about intrusive thoughts and it was literally life changing. At that point in my life I thought I was a genuinely horrible human because of my thoughts and had never heard of the term before, and hearing someone else talk about their own struggles with it was such a big deal. Nowadays I'm receiving proper treatment for my anxiety issues, and one of the catalysts for me even getting to this point was learning that my thoughts don't define me or make me defective, which was taught to me by you. Thank you.

[@DRE_906]

Thank you for this video, it's really great. Well considered & explained as always! One of the only depictions I had ever seen that wasn't just the stereotypical 'neat freak' you described at the start of the video is Charlie's mum in Always Sunny. I was actually quite surprised when I first watched it that they included her violent intrusive thoughts about Charlie being harmed, as well as showing her rituals/compulsions & how others reacted to them. Not the typical sanitised depiction of OCD seen in TV, but it felt much more honest. I think a lot of people don't actually realise how violent and distressing some intrusive thoughts can be or how disruptive rituals are. I knew someone who had to change t-shirts between each room in her house due to her OCD, it took up so much of her time just trying to walk around her own home. I completely agree that more tools are needed in discussing these things to better support people with OCD.

[@charmsthewitch]

When I think back to the time I was unmedicated (I'm medicated for bipolar disorder, not OCD, but was diagnosed with OCD at the same time) I remember having clear obsessions and compulsions that did span both the mental and physical world, but after medication it lessened significantly, and I thought it had to the point where I could say I didn't suffer from it anymore. But after hearing you mention the compulsive thoughts about harm to others, I realize I am still struggling with it. The thinking awful things towards others without wanting to is something I struggle with daily and it's incredibly distressing to the point where I've had to leave social situations because they wouldn't stop. I'd gone so long without my other OCD habits that this didn't even register. I don't know what I thought they were cause I know they're not me, they're hurtful things I'd never do. Thank you so much for this insight!

[@xgreymousex]

I agree with the video, but what i really wanted to say is i am absolutely mesmerised by your hair. it's so gorgeous!

[@quantummelody2959]

It was quite a relief learning that existential OCD was a thing that existed. I used to get episodes of constant overwhealming dread that lasted for ages where I felt like I'd never be happy again. I was almost glad when the suicidal ideation thoughts came back around because it meant the latest episode was winding down and those thoughts were easier to brush off and ignore. My brain has moved to other preferred obsessions to spiral on these days but it still sneaks up on me occasionally.

[@sirspadille]

I haven't finished the video yet, but I'd say that one of my favourite metaphorical representations of OCD comes from that one short animated student film "Contretemps" by Gobelins and I can't express enough how much I love it.

[@ephemeraltrash6209]

I was surprised that Maria Bamford didn't come up. Her show Lady Dynamite, being written and starred in by a person with OCD, feels very different to a lot of the media you discussed. Her stand up is very explicit in what her experience with OCD is like, and was very enlightening to me.

[@Falsekingofbeans]

I just wanted to thank you for making this video. Watching this video made me recognize behaviors I thought were normal or just symptoms of other things I’m diagnosed with as OCD symptoms. I got diagnosed with OCD yesterday and I wouldn’t have done that without this video

[@PokhrajRoy.]

Happy Pride Month! 🌈 Also, as usual, you’ve chosen a great topic. I remember growing how self-diagnosing one with OCD because one liked things neat was a thing.

[@lort8334]

Thank you for mentioning how these compulsions can change over time. My consistent experience with OCD as a child was very different than now. One of the easier to explain ways it would manifest is, I would repeatedly throughout the day think the phrase “I bet I can do X” pretty much whenever I did ANYTHING, and then the consequence of that thought, in my head, was “I need to do X perfectly the first time or else I need to hurt/kill myself” or if not self inflicted, just the vague “I WILL die” and the only way I could get it to go away without indulging that request was to repeat “IM NOT BETTING IM NOT BETTING IM NOT BETTING” over and over again, until I felt safe again. I never knew how to explain this to adults or really ever thought it was something that needed explaining. It just… was. This specific behavior mostly went away, but was was replaced by other triggers. I still have version of the “you need to kill/hurt yourself” thoughts in response to mundane things, and the one compulsion that stayed with me from as long as I can remember is always turning sharp objects (even a pen or pencil) away from me because I would imagine them flying into my eyes, and even though that’s illogical, I still treat it as real, because it still FEELS like a real tangible threat. Weirdly my OCD isn’t triggered by a phrase anymore, but like. Time, and sounds? I don’t know how to explain. That’s something I still struggle with is ARTICULATING my OCD, because it’s just so… ingrained and I can’t imagine not having it. It’s like trying to explain the breathing. I don’t understand how it works, it’s not something I’m actively doing, but I’ve always done it.

[@EmergencyProgram314]

My wife has OCD, but I never understood the seriousness of what she experiences until now. Thank you for explaining it so clearly!

[@TwoBs]

Thank you for this video. It was very informative as someone that was recently diagnosed with OCD that had the typical media portrayal of it in my head for the last 37 years of my life. It wasn’t until I was getting my anxiety treated that I brought up the little “habits” I would do since I was a teenager that seemed to be exacerbated by finding out I have anxiety (fueled by overthinking and wondering about worst case scenarios that I would let play out in my head for simple things that began to hinder basic interactions and tasks) and taking medication for it - like the rituals/routines became more prominent to where I felt I needed to do something because “well, I should probably do this because I’ve been doing it prior and it’s helping me maintain my anxiety, but it’s also taking up a significant portion of my mind and my time” type of thing that I described as little _quirks_ to my doctor. I figured it was just my anxiety going into overdrive with everything. She suggested I be referred to someone that can deal with more behavioral issues, who then told me that what I was describing and what I’ve likely dealt with for the last two decades is OCD to which I got a diagnosis for it after a few visits and a lot of prodding around in my mind along with a possibility of having ADHD, which then had me being referred to therapy where it was confirmed again that OCD is what I had. They want to wait a bit to see how things go before putting yet another diagnosis on me (ADHD). I don’t know why, but I cried upon hearing “yea, you have OCD”. I guess in the back of my mind when I was first told, I knew it, but because of that typical societal/media portrayal, I told myself there’s no way I can have anything like that as I don’t “obsess” over being neat, tidy, and clean when I’m more the opposite. I don’t have a set number in my head. I had read online what others deal with and thought “I don’t do those things. I’m not like that.” to where I thought maybe they were wrong with how I was diagnosed because _my_ habits were “different”. Denial, I suppose. My therapist asked me if I am afraid as being seen as “crazy” by others because of the diagnosis, and I guess it does stem from that and denial coming into play … because I know the general view on it isn’t exactly positive given how it’s always shown in media (and social media, even), so I’ve still yet to tell anyone I’ve been diagnosed with it outside of this comment where I’m actually typing it out for the first time. There was a period where I was even mad at myself for even bringing this stuff up with my doctor. I guess if I thought that if I shoved it to the back of my mind, things would be different and it would all just go away or something like I wouldn’t have the diagnosis and things would get better on its own. I am still learning what I can with it, though, and I am acknowledging how OCD isn’t just specific to certain tasks or numbers. I’m having to learn to accept where I am right now with things, and I guess it’s a situation where I need to learn to trust myself in order to move forward and manage things better. I read online (probably the worst thing to do lol) about how a lot of people are diagnosed when they’re younger and how it gets better with age, but it’s been the opposite for me. It was very mild and way less intrusive when younger, kicked up a bit when I had my child about 15 years ago, and during the last 4-5 years it’s been slowly ramping up to where my anxiety was getting so bad that I had to speak up and talk to my doctor. I don’t know what even triggered it or what caused me to fall into these repetitive routines and constantly checking things with my mind going all over the place, but it definitely reached a high point in the last 6-8 months where even my teenager was starting to notice things that had me stopping and thinking “what am I doing?” but couldn’t really stop. I _needed_ to do them because this and that is okay _because_ I do X/Y/Z and feel a sense of comfort with it. I’m curious if there are other adults over 35 that have been diagnosed with it later in their life. Again, thank you for this video. I’m saving it to my offline downloads via Premium to maybe share it with family members if and when I get to the point of telling them about where I am at this point in my life to possibly help them with their view on it, as well.

[@sophiekoester5214]

great video rowan!! when my ocd symptoms manifested i was terrified. i am someone who thought was educated on mental illness but i knew absolutely nothing about ocd or intrusive thoughts. what i thought i knew was COMPLETELY warped by what i had seen in media and it was hugely detrimental to me because i thought i was losing my mind. thanks for sharing your experience, really great thoughts

[@jojo.robotic]

i recently got diagnosed with OCD and i really relate to your experience!!! i try my best to be educated on social issues and my OCD HATES that. it makes me feel like im becoming the very thing im fighting against and that all the work im doing is being invalidated. im looking into treatment now, but getting a diagnosis already helped me immensely.