The SURPRISING SIGNS Someone Is "GASLIGHTING" You! | Dr Ramani

[@lighthouse6120]

Love that: " if you ever feel the need to record the conversation. Chances are, you're being gaslighted."

[@debblouin]

I have been recording conversations I have with my husband for the last month, especially when he messages me and says “we need to talk about the business”.

[@autoeprise]

I just found out recently my wife deleted all our conversations that i saved. This Dr is spot on! Whats sad is my wife has had her psych degree since i met her. Never thought she would do this to me.

[@laciehunt9535]

@@autoeprise I’m so afraid of that happening. I have over a years worth of recordings and I really need to get them backed up on the same thing so nothing will happen to them.

[@sarahbolhous6319]

Tell me why he now records and uses it to call me a narcissist

[@autoeprise]

@@sarahbolhous6319 its one of their responses. To project themselves on to you because they dont like it!

[@saladgirl2062]

My ex is next level , when I learned he had been involved in an affair for 16 years , he blamed me by saying I wasn’t affectionate enough , then doubled down and said it was only once a month, finished off with saying that the affair helped him because he wanted to stay married for the sake our children. What a hero.

[@theksheedz6185]

Someone else’s actions are theirs to control. I hope you got out.

[@mightymouse1005]

Wow That's very generous of him.....sacrifice himself by having an affair....im sure he's a legend in HIS own mind..... You deserve so much better

[@onlinefitnessfreak2326]

I agree. What a bloody hero. 🙄 Just God's gift to women, eh? ... Pathetic. 🙄

[@june756]

Wow... In my case me and my ex became really close and then I came to know that he was in a relationship for 3yrs and now that he broke up he wanted to go in a relationship with me... And when I asked him why he didn't tell me about his relationship sooner , he said that he was protecting me cause I was too vulnerable and i believed that shit at that time 😂

[@ladybugauntiep]

OMG… I don’t know where to start… yes I do… my heart goes out to you!!! I😢❤

[@amandaford864]

The problem with people incorrectly using the term gaslighting or narcissist is it downplays those of us who have truly been a victim of it. True gaslighting and narcissistic abuse is devastating

[@mm7846]

How to keep narcissists out of your life 1. Own your reality 2. Don’t fall for charisma and charm 3. Remember just being smart and educated is not to be overvalued 4. Don’t fall for rich and successful 5. Watch how they treat other people 6. Learn their tells 7. Set boundaries 8. Dump the enablers 9. Stop giving second chances 10. Surround yourself with good people 11. Start getting comfortable taking the less popular path 12. One of the ultimate narcissist repellents is to have meaning and purpose in your life. Do not tell the narcissist about the meaning and purpose in your life

[@SD-rm5ty]

Yes do NOT tell them the meaning and purpose of your life or they will attempt to sabotage and destroy it.

[@malwads1836]

Lovely,thank you for this convenient post of Dr.Ramani's list of how to protect against gaslighting & narcs😁👍🏻👍🏻.I'm actually writing it down since it's a very simple & useful list to have...It can serve as a reminder for both myself & also as a excellent teaching tool for others.

[@NessaCat444]

#3 is huge....

[@SD-rm5ty]

@@NessaCat444 I think that they think it is a virtue though 🙄

[@marianne2321]

Thank you! My handwritten notes are lacking! I copied and pasted it to pages for a little cheat sheet for my wallet! Great stuff.

[@iaroslavakornach]

"When narc person recognizes that you are the fertile ground in which to plant blame, they will keep doing it" - this hit the nail

[@Khem1kal]

Doesn't it just!

[@autumnreeves9740]

🙌🙌🙌

[@3rdStoneObliterum]

I agree 100%. I think No Contact is the only solution. I am a Super Empath and give your opinion about how a Super Empath destroys Narc Parents: kzbin.info/www/bejne/a6DPqpawd6d-gas

[@tdioxin2658]

And that example she gave about the grocery list was SO REAL for me. It is exactly what I get all the time. Not just for a grocery item, but for everything.

[@KoolT]

Take care of you

[@mashaaaaaaa]

One of the worse forms of gaslighting is when a person says “I’m a good person” and keeps neglecting your needs even though you tell them 100 times what your needs are. This manipulative tactic is so subtle that makes you doubt your needs and doubt your reality. Did anyone here ever experience this?

[@susannealsterberg3042]

Yes! Thats why im here

[@arthurshat7793]

I’ve heard, “I’m an honest asshole” so I and others should believe him. He couldn’t have been more dishonest and manipulative. Truly bizarre the narc cope.

[@OingoLove]

"I'm a pretty understanding person," he says. Least. Understanding. Person.

[@almohvn33]

YES, and they love this one, "I am TRYING to help you"... WTF?

[@daycarneiro203]

Totally! They try to control the way you see them by saying they are good and all sorts of things, but it's all fake. They say they are good so that you keep doubting yourself when you literally see things that are not okay in their behavior.... it's an awful situation.

[@haleywiege9259]

You'll know when you've been gaslit, you can feel it. The feeling is hard to explain, but to me and my experiences, it feels like your mind goes completely blank, you feel confused, and almost numb. It's like your whole brain shuts down for a second.

[@jenniferknight7339]

@Bye Yes i not only shut down. I also get nervous and start thinking that i am wrong and that i have forgotten things

[@jenniferknight7339]

@Bye Hopefully with support and time we will heal.

[@alishahull4359]

Going grocery shopping with the list in my head what I need for a week for 8 people walking through the store and he does it and the whole list goes blank and I'm literally standing there with nothing in my brain. Then I'm like what is wrong with me why can't I think I have to know where the list is in my brain it has to. Be there what is wrong with me

[@alishahull4359]

And after it always feels shaky on the inside and feel like I'm gonna puke

[@elizardw4900]

It's the circles the conversation starts spinning in when I know the blameshifting and derailing has set in: "I feel like you're not listening to me". "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???" "I HAD TO ACTUALLY WORK TODAY" "YOU'RE ACTING INSANE"

[@andrewcicchetti]

I think that what we call a narcissistic relationship is often coercive control. If that is the case, I am hesistant to call it a relationship, it is an assault.

[@tanyalenmark4194]

Whoop exactly 🌬️

[@jennywrenn469]

Well said!

[@mrgordy1980]

Never heard this before. But yes, that’s what I endured

[@aprildawnsunshine4326]

Oh 🤯 that's why my body's acting like I'm under assault and my adrenals nearly died, because I was/am! It's been getting better though as I get a little better at questioning his assertions and believing in my own memories and perceptions.

[@LewDanLascivious8276]

The hidden signs of gaslighting: If one is always flatulate and plays with matches nearby. 🍑💥💨💩👀☠️🤯🤪😂

[@tinazapata1379]

"NO is a complete sentence." These are words to live by. Boundaries are invaluable.

[@mellisagreen7801]

Goodbye is a great word too.

[@jaygerald1115]

@@mellisagreen7801I had to do that today and I felt horrible only cause I was trying to tell him how he made me feel and how I felt disrespected and he turned it on me again. I told him you was the one tripping so I show you how it felt

[@davidsutliff8312]

The biggest one I always got was the mirroring, I would just be accused of the very thing that I was asking the narcissist to stop doing. Then they would spin it around and play the victim as if it was actually me doing it all along. It's quite maddening

[@learn-about-God]

Yes! I get that a lot as well! It's like projection... they project themselves onto you... with a straight face. It's literally demonic.

[@maryaltinger2067]

My marriage for 6.5 years

[@dennisdavidharerjr9779]

My current one the last 3.5 yrs

[@cherylwade264]

Look up psychological mirroring. Children usually mirror or copy adults. Some people mirror to reflect bad behavior and if you see someone mirroring a bad behavior do something to avoid that behavior. Talking about yourself or other people in a bad way snide comments. You think some behaviors are harmless but they may be offensive to others.

[@mr.melontoyou]

It makes my blood boil. Thanks for sharing. I like the way you worded it.

[@miriamb.3078]

I no longer feel scared of narcissists. Took a long time. I've matured and feel more grounded than ever.

[@lorenrobertson8039]

I'm so happy to hear it's possible to learn coping skills that improves lives. Thank you for sharing!

[@kat-75]

I feel like puking

[@Jp18888]

I hope I can feel that way too

[@erikawithee]

@@kat-75 same

[@angeliquebacker8522]

I’m proud of you! And same!

[@fruitypopwhickle6806]

"Learn to tolerance their discomfort, rather than have them step all over your boundaries". A whole word for me...

[@KS-yf9nq]

I always said narcs throw tantrums like toddlers. If you don’t give in to a toddler don’t give in to the narc

[@RealityCheck1980]

‘Honestly narcissistic people are allergic to taking responsibility’ …Yes! You are absolutely correct!

[@annetteka]

I was told that I need to take responsibility (fair truth to that, I acknowledged agreed yet still struggle with), yet in a subtle deflective albeit statutory manner. He laid out a law of the land that seemed clear as noninvasive. The absence of articulating his boundaries clearly yet expecting me to… I could go on and on and realise that my ducking down, not having the courage to challenge his violation of my boundaries contributed to the distorted balance. I recorded out of instinct and survival, when I spilled it later down the line his words were “that’s quite dark”. I sent the recording to a friend so it’s safe and undeniable. The fact that we got back together and never managed to communicate about our past grievances (incl his physical assault he verbally justified by that i need to be restrained), the sudden swerve (he’s into Zen and declares peaceful intent) and verbal eloquence had me floored and under his physical and mental control. I started laughing/displaying facial disarrays of shock he used to fuel his reality of me being a threat and his “rightful retort”. At one point I played dead and didn’t react, but couldn’t follow through as I was way too distraught and triggered, the more I defended myself the more I lost. Flight/fawn and emotional dysregulation got the better of me, My anger is as valid as his, how could I allow someone to treat me like this? He kicked me out at 4am on NYE yet I lingered and argued that night till he left with discontent after hours of expressing his rage in deeply hurtful ways, yet blaming me and leaving me utterly confused.

[@stillhere6436]

Yes, they absolutely refuse to take responsibility and will twist it to throw back at you and try to make whatever it is your responsibility and ultimately your fault!

[@Kath26124]

@@stillhere6436 And they will do anything to not be held accountable and not the responsibility. Mine are so special they would literally erase most (if not all) evidences that could be used against them. And even if there will be anything that could be used against them it would be really hard to get. The icing on a cake being a massive amount of gaslighting that accompanies all that stuff.

[@dianalynn3453]

Just when you think you are free of their abuse, you start to see how they have destroyed your children. It just never ends. Until the courts recognize narcissistic abuse as a real form of abuse, there will be no justice in this world.

[@vlietwerkz]

I think narcissists should maybe be on an international list, like sex offenders and murderers. The damage they do is incredible - deep, long lasting, and wide reaching.

[@Kwatson855]

Amen!

[@utrnagel9441]

Maybe the world need to stop making Narzisst s!!!! And tell everybody about Gaslighting! And let not Babys cry for hours! Love your Baby's, and your Children! Don't let your children be with Narcisst s. And on..........

[@autoeprise]

For me ive stayed in this relationship way too long bc i see what she does to the children. But understand that people like this usually never change made me throw in the towel! Im glad i got out in time b4 i completely lost myself with the help of a therapist.

[@StalkingMyself420]

My grandchildren are suffering because my children were so damaged.. I feel guilty still even though I keep telling myself it's not my fault. 😔

[@leah-the-animation-fan]

13:24 "A difference of opinion is not gaslighting. Denying your reality is." I really needed to hear this

[@vstar303]

If your gut is telling you something is very "off" , please listen to it. 24 years of being married to a covert narcissist, I've only just left.Now I find out he has leading a totally secret life, with numerous affairs, prostitutes and using hundreds of thousands of pounds to keep up his fantasy lifestyle. If you can leave these awful relationships safely , please do, you deserve so much more than the lies & manipulation that they are offering you.

[@luca1984]

Good on you for leaving. Not everyone manages that. Let your healing begin, it is never too late.

[@jannlewandowski5540]

I ALWAYS follow my gut feeling bcse it's always right!

[@helenaabedini1307]

Sooo true! 24 years here too! Just left this year, also found out about his secret life. The same as you! Now free and with our two young adult children the kids and I started a new, better life! We have gone No contact. You, the children, me and all brave ones of this society, we all deserve better! 🥰

[@jannlewandowski5540]

@@helenaabedini1307 WE deserve the BEST! 👍

[@vstar303]

@@helenaabedini1307 Wishing you & your children much love & happiness in your new chapter 💕

[@AZDC99]

22:15 "When you manipulate someone's reality, YOU ARE, in essence, STEALING FROM THEM!" Thank you for summing up a book in one sentence

[@sunnyadams5842]

Why is this not punishable by law yet?!

[@themaggattack]

Yes, taking someone's reality away from them is stealing their life, their soul, their essence! Like a vampire.

[@goddessroot4501]

@@sunnyadams5842 it should be But then "History would be illegal"

[@goddessroot4501]

@@themaggattack truly

[@christopherlarson3401]

That’s the Devil. Theif.

[@LisaValentine1]

I was brainwashed by gaslighting to the point of schizophrenia and am only now recognizing it and recovering. I’ve isolated myself due to family scapegoating abuse and became increasingly distrustful and paranoid of everyone. I’ve lost most of my life to envious manipulating people. I still struggle with agoraphobia. Thank you for your channel. It’s through channels like these that I have finally stopped idealizing suicide every day.

[@kvega3112]

Yo, me too

[@gloriabarrett6476]

Im right there with you ❣️

[@dibsidubsi1378]

Stay strong! You'll make it! Sending you lots of 💕💕💕💕

[@cpwood3506]

@LisaValentine1, I hope that you are able to find some joy, no matter how small. I hope time heals your emotional scars.❤

[@mamathemeat]

That makes me so sad for you ❤ but I’m glad you are seeing the truth ❤

[@EveningTV]

Who among us is listening to this and remembering their own privately hellish experiences? Too many of us only know how all this works in retrospect. I for one fell into every trap until my life was destroyed, and it was at that time that I came up with a concept of Embracing Reality and it was only through that I was able to recover my sanity and my life.

[@optical-illusion9996]

They are truly evil demons, it's hard to believe

[@In.the.darkness_there_is_light]

Same. In the process of trying to put the pieces back together and put these people in my past.

[@privaesea6046]

you came up with a concept of embracing reality? am I missing the joke? 😂

[@kriptonis]

It is very devastating.. had it done to me. It really made me question my perception of reality. It is a terrible thing. And I do consider the other person a good person. Why she did it is still a mystery to me.

[@iopakayalo3459]

I see you.

[@nancybrooks5696]

“Their goal is to maintain the pristine image they have of themselves, even if it means destroying the mental health of everyone around them.” (Or, destroying the victim’s credibility, so no one would ever believe the narcissist could do these cruel things.)Dr. Ramani, you have a gift for hitting the nails on their heads.

[@janedoh123]

i was always briefed on if we argue don’t tell anyone as it cheapens our love 😂😂😂 no you don’t want people to know you are a mentalist

[@AuroraLalune]

Ah this reminds me of someone actually…

[@LewDanLascivious8276]

The hidden signs of gaslighting: If one is always flatulate and plays with matches nearby. 🍑💥💨💩👀☠️🤯🤪😂

[@TheBiggestMoronYouKnow]

Bipolar ex just did all of this 😅

[@christopher5585]

@@AuroraLalune Boss, family member ?

[@MakeGodSmileToday]

Nobody has ever made this much sense to me. Thank you so much. The pain can be nearly unbearable. A voice of reason/wisdom in the desert is such a blessing.

[@abbykendrick5748]

My mother and stepfather had a terrible relationship.. constant blow outs. They also took their anger out on me. When he finally left, my mother turned to me and said, “thank you for wrecking my marriage.” I was a kid.

[@CarmenGomez-mq2bc]

😮🙏

[@Indy__isnt_it]

Oh my gosh, that came out of the blue for me, just reading your message. I'm so sorry, I know the maternal indifference first hand. Nothing physical, verbal or silent. God bless, hope you're free of that abuse

[@taotaostrong]

I feel you. I was told that I was “what was wrong with the family”. My response at 15 😊was, “fine. I’ll leave and let you eat each other alive”. When I left for college, they ate each other alive. 🍴

[@shayshaymann113]

My heart breaks for you because that’s exactly what my mother and stepfathers relationship is, except they’re still married 😞

[@bradmcewen]

Yikes. It's great to learn what it actually was.

[@denlionz8522]

I was gaslighted by my ex constantly. Trauma bonded, I stayed way too long. Currently in a time of rumination after her brutal discard and doing my best to endure high anxiety from guilt. I heard someone say (about a narcissist ex) that “it doesn’t hurt so much because they broke your heart, it hurts so much because they broke your spirit”. So…(deep sigh) onward and upward my friends, there’s a lot of hard work to do and healing comes with learning.

[@taom9004]

Same story. Actually, most people here have the same sad story. But I'm here to say it will be the fifth anniversary of the final [brutal] discard in a week, and life gets soooo much better once you get through the truama bond. SO MUCH BETTER. Promise.

[@byefelicia7736]

Same here!!! You are not alone. I also stayed for WAY too long.

[@realhealing7802]

Yes, I have a broken spirit.

[@suedesignable]

@@realhealing7802 it does get better. Don’t get into another relationship until you can trust your instincts. Even with friendships. Your very vulnerable at the moment. Hugs.

[@jannlewandowski5540]

Take good care of yourself, and in TIME, things will be much better for you. TIME healed my broken spirit, and you just take care. God bless you.⚘️

[@AllisonSherman657]

"Don't let gaslighting erode your self-trust. Recognize the manipulation, and remember that their words are not your reality, but remember that your financial worth isn't tied to their opinions. Stay informed, trust your instincts, and make investment choices that align with your goals. You are capable and deserving of financial stability and success."

[@kaylat63]

I agree with you and I believe that the secret to financial stability is having the right investment ideas to enable you earn more money, I don’t know who agrees with me but either way I recommend either real estate or bitcoin and stocks.

[@face2lune]

I keep wondering how people earn money in financial markets, i tried trading on my own made a huge loss and now I'm scared of investing more…

[@AllisonSherman657]

@@face2lune Understanding your financial needs and making effective decisions is very essential. If I could advise you, you should seek the help of a financial advisor. For the record, working with one has been the best for my finances.

[@face2lune]

@@AllisonSherman657 I want to play the long term game with well diversified fund. Please how can i reach this CFP of yours?

[@AllisonSherman657]

@@face2lune I get guidance from *Susan Tori Davis* Most likely, the internet should have her basic info..

[@JulieSnowstudiojuliesnow3698]

Denying your reality, and then telling you something is wrong with you

[@deborahdevries6201]

Exactly! Could not have been said better.

[@mapleleaf902]

Awesome. I have started to say NO and not excusing their disrespect. It is a struggle since I am a ppl pleaser, but saying no has given me such strength. I can do this!

[@Stardusted1]

Saying NO for the first time ever, began a five year estrangement. Amazing eh?

[@bigjoe2323]

You should check out narcdaily, saying no is actually the “magic word” an empath struggles with. I felt guilty my entire life using it, so I ended up molding into someone I hated, just to make relationships work.

[@realhealing7802]

No is a permanent boundary. Narcissists hate boundaries.

[@Trollika_Devi]

It's nice that you're making progress. I have trouble saying no too ( except when things like racism ,sexual abuse etc are involved when I'd just cut this person off without thinking). It's partly cultural. Where I'm from we say maybe instead of no. Toxic people use that against you. And partly it's the fear of change. After the constant chaos that some of us were through, the idea of change can be upsetting so we try not to rock the boat. Another thing I've noticed is how exhausting it can get when you say no to a toxic person in terms of parsing the BS that follows. They act offended, they act like you've let them down, there's moodiness and drama. Having to deal with that is not an exciting prospect so sometimes I relent just to avoid all that. My friend who claims there's a pest infestation at his place when there's none. " Can you come with me to the exterminators place?". My first instinct would be to say no but then he'd ask me if I doubt his claims ,then he'd start a whole conversation on whether there are pests there or not. The absolute lack of evidence doesn't faze him . The only way to offer ANY argument there is to say one way or the other he's delusional. And that's not going to go down well. So what do I do if I'm not ready to go no contact. I say yes. I go with him. And wait for the exterminator to tell him the truth. In terms of mental exhaustion vs physical exhaustion I end up choosing the latter. But yes you can do this ❤️; we can.

[@Trollika_Devi]

@@realhealing7802 I think they love boundaries. For the sheer pleasure of violating them. But yeah they hate it when they can't break any.

[@forrestgossett]

“As if the only kind of abuse is a black eye….” Wow! So true

[@ML-di8lt]

I remember our marriage counselor said something to me along the lines of, "you tend to blame herself and he tends to blame you too. It's not fair or healthy that you're the only one who takes responsibility for anything and you seem to do it even when it's not your fault at all. He also seems to blame you when it's not your fault at all."

[@Solonneysa]

Neat. You found a marriage counselor willing to let marriages end. Every time I hear about marriage counseling it seems to be the case that the counselor insists the two people stay together no matter what and "Everyone has partial blame." It's good to hear not every marriage counselor is delusional.

[@nessad01]

My biological family is like the wolves in sheep clothing. They act so nice around everyone else but they will say that I am notorious for being dramatic, sensitive or my testimony of things is incredible because I am mistaken or confused. They tell people that my frustrations with them is not warranted and that I am unhinged and stressed. It wasn’t until the past few years that a psychologist friend was not fooled by my family and the abuse I was experiencing, taught me about narcissistic abuse and gaslighting and that they were embarrassed for me about how poorly my family treated me unprovoked. They saw my parents insult my appearance, choices, parenting style, etc. My parents and siblings say they were only joking and that I was acting like a baby when I confronted the issues. A few others have since witnessed the troubles and have shown me love and respect in spite of the odd gang bashing I have endured through my years. For years I felt guilty for wishing to justify cutting ties with my family but now a few others have seen it and have insisted I leave the toxic relationships with them behind. Now I am healing and I am surprised that I don’t miss them. I don’t wish ill on them but I want better for me and the family I have chosen.

[@lindah1439]

Stay strong in that conviction that you are not the one with a distorted view of life. Great to read you have decided to remove yourself from that toxicity.

[@colleendemaio]

And let me guess...now they blame your psychologist friend for "influencing" you, etc.

[@claudiacruz320]

If you ever need to be around them, you are now shielded by the knowledge gained, and can show them that their toxicity no longer moves you💪🏽

[@reesedaniel5835]

People who truly love, respect and care about you do not "joke around" in such a manner. These narcs never take responsiblity for their evil. Saying"Just joking" when constantly disrespecting and poking at you to get a reaction is gaslighting. It is ABUSE.

[@bookbeing]

Thank you for posting this. I endured similar with my family. Like your family, mine loved assigning labels. They insisted as soon as i went to school that I was the idiot, least intelligent of the bunch. I was the only one of us to go to university.

[@timmartin7664]

The best way to handle a gaslighter, is break up with or divorce them and move on, because they will never change. Narcissist are not happy, unless they have someone they can gaslight and manipulate.

[@tlove6932]

Gaslighting is so insidious and cruel. Especially when done by those closest to you. I am at Indifference finally and often will call a gaslighter, a Gaslighter! Maybe not the best idea, but when you learn the characteristics of Gaslighting, I can smell it a mile away & even sense it coming. It hurts so deeply when it is someone closest. And thank you, beautiful Dr. Ramani, for highlighting that Gaslighting IS Emotion Abuse. ❤🙏🏼💯

[@M_SC]

If you tell them they will adjust and get even better at it- change styles on you or do it to others about you- best to mess with them or get away from them and not respect them with honesty

[@3rdStoneObliterum]

I agree 100%. I think No Contact is the only solution. I am a Super Empath and please give your opinion about how a Super Empath destroys Narc Parents: kzbin.info/www/bejne/a6DPqpawd6d-gas

[@Anonymous_Anon882]

A rudely-insidious way of gaslighting is the perpetrator implying ‘what’s the point in having the best product in the world if you can’t communicate it well to others?’ Even if they see the good in you and your personality (from the very little they know) they hyper-focus on the alleged faults and use them to subtly-break the victim. They work more against you than with you. They’re not interested in building you up or there being a mutual working together towards something great. They tend to just gaslight away and gossip about you no matter how nice and accommodating you are to them.

[@kriptonis]

the problem is it can start as an act of kindness. It's weird to say it like that but here is what I mean: You see your friend with an haircut that does not look good on your opinion. You make a weird face out of instinct and the friend says "oh, is there something wrong with the haircut, I saw your face..?" And you say "no, no dear, I didn't make any face you are imagining it. It looks good on you." This is in-fact gaslighting.. you know he is right, you did make a weird face because of the haircut but you don't want to have an inconvenient conversation. The problem is if this works.. the door is open on your mind. Subconsciously you already know you can use this tactic. And that can be the seed of all evil...

[@tlove6932]

@@kriptonis I don't believe that is gaslighting. True gaslighting like Dr. Ramani clarified is the INTENTION behind what someone does. Yes, it's wrong to lie. Even "white lies". I am guilty, we all are. It's the INTENT though. There are a ton of examples I could use but in keeping with what you said, if my Fiancé, Daughter or a Best Friend or something says, "Do you like my new hair cut", or, " Do you like my outfit", or the classic: (😁😉😉) Does this make me look fat?" And clearly I know what they are hoping I'll say - me PERSONALLY, - that it's OK, it may not be the greatest look OR how about if I help you find something different to wear OR, it is fine, it's just hair, it will grow out! Explanation: I've heard ppl just be totally crass, with no couth, & blatantly hurt the other by being untactfully brutal & say : " That is hideous!; You look like a whale omg (laughing); or just flat out laughing. The INTENT behind the response is what matters on daily, trivial things. If someone I care about, asks a question like that, it's usually bc they aren't feeling great about the hair, dress, pants etc all ready themselves & I will be honest as I can be in a TACTFUL way & may give a white lie over something SMALL, only bc the absolute truth would really hurt their feelings!!! I don't want to bring down & just be crass. I also, MORE SO, don't want to hurt their feelings & crush them. My intent is pure. I can't speak for anyone else. To me, instead over overthinking, perhaps just ask yourself how you would honestly want someone to respond to you if asked the same question. If the intent is kindness, love, protecting your loved ones feelings, that's what matters. I would also caution that for me, if someone I loved was about to say, publicly be out in something that is truly dreadful & unflattering to them - out of protecting them from any embarrassment, I would have then be brutally honest & maybe say - WELL BEFORE THAT EVENT - Let's see if we can find something that suits you or the event better", OR even, "What if you wear that red tie/dress I love you in so much! That would look great on you!" Hope this makes sense & helps 😊👍🏻

[@deb7846]

My ex’s favourite was “I did not intend it that way”. A great classic because it worked in so many situations with minimal effort, and worked so well. I often felt like I misinterpreted things or my requests were not reasonable. I see it for what it was, and I’m stronger for it now.

[@allL623]

I started to tell my narc ex that good intentions paved the road to hell. And I didn't care what his intentions were. Only what was

[@imlikeforeverxD]

oh and what about "It's just how I am. I accept you with your flaws, you should accept me with mine" "oh why don't you get over it already? I am over it and so should you, you know how I am"

[@brynnp3038]

That is my favourite gaslight. It has tricked me SOOOO many times it is my Nemesis.

[@moriahkillgo1499]

Currently alarmed because this is my husband's favorite statement whenever I do decide to address the hurtful things he says and does... which always makes me question myself and my mental health. Every time I get fed up with him he is somehow always able to make me feel like I'm the issue, then I go to therapy to figure out what's wrong with me and try different meds to fix my depression while he continues his same patterns.

[@梨-i5l]

God I remember that one! A really good comeback I found online was "It may not have been your intention, but you still hurt me."

[@cmccloud38]

"You always see the bad in me" "You never do anything wrong."

[@yiqingliu3821]

Omg, that’s so true. You can’t react of “ you never do anything wrong “

[@InvestorPatricia]

Victimizer trying to play the Victim role!!

[@ladyCY413]

My narcissistic boyfriend always tells me this crazy mess.

[@juliasilvers9188]

My husband uses the "you never do anything wrong" phrase with me alot. He will say that "of course you never do anything wrong. It's all my fault. Of course you will twist it and turn it around to be my fault."

[@applyingChatGPT]

can u explain this more? is this something narcissists do? that actual phrase about how someone never does anything wrong. I am confused?

[@mariacliment2767]

Dr. Ramani: You are the angel on earth. You have saved us all from a nightmare life. May you be happy, healthy and well always♥️

[@jennywrenn469]

Amen to that

[@LewDanLascivious8276]

The hidden signs of gaslighting: If one is always flatulate and plays with matches nearby. 🍑💥💨💩👀☠️🤯🤪😂

[@Jennifer-gr7hn]

Or, you have been living a nightmare for decades and you're finally growing away from the family bullying.

[@imaginepeace7588]

💯‼️❤️‍🩹

[@SM-db8gx]

Amen sister! I just went out on 2 dates with a guy! He was cute so I was a little blinded but I realized on the 2nd date that he was trying to manipulate and gaslighting me into being intimate with him. I laughed when I got serious and told him why I didn't want to (I shouldn't have even had to explain myself) and when I got up to leave but I felt disrespected, I told him his laughing was rude, he said he never laughed at me. Now that I think back to the first date, there were signs there too. And I know I'm not over reacting because I've been dating a lot (as I'm trying to find a loving relationship) and I have not had an experience like this before. Dodged a bullet there.

[@LewDanLascivious8276]

The hidden signs of gaslighting: If one is always flatulate and plays with matches nearby. 🍑💥💨💩👀☠️🤯🤪😂

[@RS54321]

That he was trying to get intimate w/ you even after a second date is a huge red flag. Glad you dodged that bullet!!

[@tijeraslack3]

At least you caught the mess from the beginning.

[@jeffreystroman2811]

Having a gaslighting boss was and is horrible, until you learn how to identify it both at work, and everywhere else. It's not that I'm grateful for his abuse more that I'm grateful to myself for learning how to assert myself, and spot the behavior elsewhere.

[@jeffreystroman2811]

​@@LewDanLascivious8276 have you considered changing your screenname?

[@raquelbopp6669]

Honestly, I feel that you have been the best therapist I’ve had. I had several but none of them educated me like you have. I want to say thank you for being here! ❤

[@exlesoes]

This is psychoeducation sure but not a replacement for therapy

[@marynorth235]

I totally get the part about wanting to record a conversation! My narc ex husband used to constantly say, "I never said that!" when I KNOW he said it!

[@salliegallegos918]

Yep

[@janedoh123]

so frustrating when they do that but they can remember bullshit to a tea

[@popcelebritiy]

This was my brother who tends a lot to insults and saying some hurtful words directly towards me and when i was about to confront him on this, He just says "What? "Its not you" "Did i say that" (Pointing out to my sister) or he will just probably deny it

[@ottemis8179]

I have some nice examples of blame shifting. "You just can't take a joke, you're too sensitive and it's stopping me from expressing myself openly. Now I can't even make jokes anymore". This when 1. they do terrible at creating a 'safe' baseline and 2. you KNOW it wasn't meant as a joke, because of their tone and/or fill in blank. "It's YOUR behavior that makes me act this poorly, if you behaved better you'd be worth the better treatment." When you get treated like a dog, they'll blame this on some shortcoming in the way you act. You "deserve" this. It's up to you to reach some magical (read: unreachable) goal in the way YOU behave before they will change the way they behave towards you.

[@dedantisocial3315]

Why is this message not a high production value on every TV screen in the country lol. seriously. This is all so important and so spot on. These are such valuable PSAs.

[@MrJeffrey938]

Societal Gaslighting is why Narcissism is growing (apx. 25min). Absolutely! If you do not value the superficial, you are considered weak or stupid.

[@Chris-tg3qy]

My coworker would reach out to people on my team to see what she could do to help them. Then, she would go to my boss and say they weren’t comfortable coming to me. In reality, she initiated the request and confused my team into thinking she was the person they should go to for help. It caused multiple problems for me because I want to help my team without taking on too much. She made it difficult for me to be helpful and maintain boundaries. She also never really helped my team because she would initiate the request for help and then send it to me with no regard for my workload. It was something to see. In the end, she was fired so if someone thinks this is a good tactic they need to be careful about who they use it against. Not everyone is clueless about narcissism. I recognized it very quickly and built my case with a paper trail.

[@sirrantsalott]

Is her name Rosanna 😂 I had a middle aged woman do that to me because I am a young executive and wanted my position when she had zero experience to do the work I do but used her ‘seniority’ as experience whereas she would be the first one to call someone out as being ‘ageist’ whilst using that exact reason for why she should be promoted. She was a total user and emotional manipulator. And none of her credentials were valid. We let her go as soon as we were able to. Slippery snake she was.

[@sassa-fras2892]

Excellent story. Thanks.

[@dontbelongherefromanother]

Chris, I believe you. Narcs are very cunning and persuasive when using others to take someone else down. They can appear to be generous, helpful, and kind when trying to gain favors. I had a co-worker with similar circumstances, but she quit when others noticed what she was doing.

[@dontbelongherefromanother]

Narcs don't know boundaries

[@Chris-tg3qy]

@@dontbelongherefromanother Yes. I would describe her as extremely cunning. I think everything with her was tactical. When I asked her if she was married she told me she was married for 3 months and took a trip. When she came back from the trip her husband took all of his stuff and moved out and filed for divorce. She never saw him again. I believe he went “no contact” and I can’t blame him.

[@karamiha]

I was told I wasn’t putting him first…despite preparing to move half way around the world for him.

[@animecat4]

My mom constantly does this to me even as an adult, is always making me second guess myself and whatever decisions I make for myself and my future. I finally confronted her about gaslighting me my whole life leading me to having no confidence in my own decision making skills and she just continued to gaslight me saying she's done no such thing and I shouldn't feel that way and it's my problem not hers. 🤦‍♀

[@Rock_Girl_Daze]

No contact is freeing, and healing.

[@jimmyjams1974]

I have had the same experience

[@keithstewart7514]

I escaped with my life at 58 yo.

[@3rdStoneObliterum]

I agree 100%. I think No Contact is the only solution. I am a Super Empath and give your opinion about how a Super Empath destroys Narc Parents: kzbin.info/www/bejne/a6DPqpawd6d-gas

[@ooihuiqi310]

My mom jut cried and said she didn’t mean to hurt me lol. Offered to pay my therapy session after I snapped over something she said, said she can’t afford it after I went back to her with the bill. Crying.

[@faveri74]

I feel I am more of an empath and a magnet for manipulators and narcissists. The big problem is that we are the ones who have to be silent to make ends meet.

[@annadiliberto8024]

Yes, but to look them in the eyes when they are confronting you about something stupid and trying to manipulate you, look at them, assess the situation, OBSERVE and don't ABSORB, and don't say anything - not a word - (just look at them as a whole, and let them know you are aware of their issues and how they operate) and let them know you can't be played by them anymore ), there is power in silence. Look closely at the reactions and facial expressions.. they're trying to get a rise out of you, and when they realize they can't upset you, it gives them self-doubt about their actions..

[@jengable4888]

That is because the financial abuse runs ramped, and it is a crime ! Money and psychological abuse are used as weapons to control !

[@heatherhammersmith8997]

Yep, I've often thought it is a near miracle that I didn't fall into an abusive relationship for this exact reason. I think my saving grace was my mother telling me regularly that I'm the ONLY one who truly knows what's right for me and what can make me happy - my mantra whenever I feel uncertain. She was also an empath who knew how to unconditionally love her children, despite marrying a narc too. I'm also not comfortable with remaining silent, it seems like a sacrifice I'm not willing to make. Although, I also know what Anna is saying in her response to you is true. Being a service worker my entire life, I've learned to look ass hats in the eye to say I know they're spewing BS and am choosing not to engage it. That usually shuts it down because they can't complain about something that isn't even said and I'm sure that however they're interpreting it is going to stew for a while in their insecurities too.

[@VitorMonteiroPT]

Just a tip. One thing that I've tried and works for me, is to talk to a narcissist, as if the narcissist isn't there. For example: oh, really? Someone must be confused about me. Or: hmmm, maybe that's what a few ppl say. Something along these lines, you can use your imagination. This will drive a narcissist nuts,as long as you don't address them directly. They hate not to be the center of your attention.

[@simeon2851]

Until i learned that i was being gaslighted i truly believed i deserved to be blamed for everything.

[@aplusfleetsolutions1585]

"The one thing you should never let another person strip from you is your reality." Thank you for this.

[@MelendezKellyFamily]

I’ve got an example of every day run of the mill gaslighting, when you tell your narcissist that a reckless driver nearly kills you on the highway and they say “you always seem to be getting yourself into these situations”!

[@christinebuckingham8369]

👍💯💯💯

[@jaquirox6579]

Or they mock it with a little laugh, and suggest that you’re exaggerating or lying, having zero knowledge of what even happened. Because you know… nothing is ever as you see it, because you don’t see anything correctly.

[@sharonthompson672]

You ever get this one? "So what else is new?"

[@SisterMinnie]

It's sad how common gaslighting is yet it seems only this past year people are waking up and realizing it. Thank you so much for raising awareness, helping us and educating us on your channel. You're a light in the community and I love you!!

[@3rdStoneObliterum]

I agree 100%. I think No Contact is the only solution. I am a Super Empath and give your opinion about how a Super Empath destroys Narc Parents: kzbin.info/www/bejne/a6DPqpawd6d-gas

[@maevebutler4641]

Amen to that!

[@sarag1158]

If if I had had a word for it 6 years ago, I think I would have left a lot sooner. I found the term by googling "lies all the time and blames me for it."

[@janedoh123]

i believe that there’s been some sort of mass awakening and maybe it’s the spiritual part the eyes are being opened

[@averagejane09]

Yes. Even for those of us who are not NPD. I imagine most people have participated in gaslighting, and many unintentionally. The more aware we are, the more we can correct ourselves and do better. Sometimes in an attempt to save someone's feelings we end up gaslighting them. So tricky.

[@jonhutchinson2902]

This describes 5 years of my life with a smart, well put together older man. He had me questioning every decision i made. Manipulated, gaslighted, devalued, discarded, cheated on. You name it, he did it. Ive been 6 weeks no contact but he is still living in my head. On top of all of it, no one in my family understands it. They have no clue what ive been through and how it has affected me. They say im over thinking it and that things i tell them are just in my head., when infact i know it is a reality and have several examples of every form of this phycological torture.

[@martaescobar7625]

.....maybe they should sleep with him. Don't let other people define who you are, or what you feel.

[@SomeGuy-xf9bc]

The problem with these examples is that every one of them can be used as a tool by a narc. Denial of intimacy and withholding sex can be used as a manipulation tactic. Also, "Forgetting" the one item you really needed is a very passive aggressive way for them to tell you to do your own shopping.

[@lovetomarket]

So weird. I had a boyfriend for 6 years that wasn't comfortable having sex with me. Coming from a violent home, I respected his comfort levels. Anyways, I spent a lot of time trying to get sex with him. One day he said, "This is your problem, not mine." There it is. I thought he was a good boyfriend and I just needed to get over wanting sex, and it would be perfect. That was me trying to comprise as he held the goalposts.

[@draculouvre]

„I am not responsible for your emotions“ 🚩🚩🚩!! Your actions DO have consequences, especially in relationships with others. added to that, they’re always the one to turn to you for emotional support, but never returning the favor.

[@taochentc]

Give 90% of your time to the toxic people 10% of your time to the people who care and love you, this is the enlightening statement for me

[@Stormierruby]

While in a fight I actually recorded my narcissistic ex boyfriend gaslighting and lashing out at me. When I confronted him later with the recording of him doing that, he had the balls to gaslight me again saying I didn't recorded ME provoking that reaction of him. Gladly I knew what he was doing and got out of the relationship... EDIT: I got the part doc ramani said about the need to record the gaslighting person and they lashing out at you for doing that 😰

[@prestonj1025]

I would never record a conversation or argument we had..I never even gave it a thought..but if my phone was in my pocket..whooo booy! Did she think I was recording or there was someone else on the other end listening..she didn't want her toxic behavior to be discovered..she really went wacko..

[@princessirulancorrino4695]

I still have many text messages when he was emotionally manipulating me, or stonewalling and gaslighting me. When I showed the screenshots to my ex narc boyfriend he said to me “I really don’t remember to said that. Maybe you took a screenshot of a conversation with another person” Also, in the discard phase when he abandoned me, apparently for something I said to him, I ask him to explain to me what is exactly what I said that it offended him so much and he said: “well I don’t remember but I am sure you showed your true colors and you offended me”… It all sounds like nightmarish and ridiculous answers, almost like a bizarre twilight-zone conversations in hell…

[@Jp18888]

Same. My dad loves to lash out saying it was cos I provoked him, instead of owning up . He loves to twist the words and use volume to dominate

[@ALT-vz3jn]

Yep. Not owning their reactions and blaming the other person for ‘provoking’ them is horrible gaslighting. Hope you are safe now ❤

[@alishahull4359]

You record me so you can show everyone you talk about me behind my back turning everyone against me. No I record you to show you what you said what you did. But he would never listen to them he would never look at the pictures of what he did. Then everytime there was an argument if I touched my phone he would be like you are recording me blah blah blah what is wrong with you.

[@nataliapadilla6879]

#1 method of staying gaslight immune, in my opinion, is to continue to watch your videos. I had an epiphany the other day that when I try to justify staying with my husband, whom I strongly feel is gaslighting me, I intentionally avoid your videos! I intentionally swipe away your videos when they pop up on my notifications, because it goes against what my mind and heart wants. But when I get my mind right and not allow myself to fall into denial, I get comfort and guidance from you videos and I actually seek out your videos. I don't know if I will have the courage to finally tell my husband, I even feel sad just sharing this online, but your videos are so important to our mental health. Thank You.

[@stuffwelike7184]

I spent many years being Gaslighted to the point it broke me in many ways. I didn't know what Gaslighting was until I started looking for places on the internet to talk with people and it became clear this is what was being done to me. I'm greatful that we are able to now share with others and hopefully videos like these help others as well.

[@WudEvZ]

Wow Ty. This is what I get all the time “You made me hurt you because you hurt me with your totally not hurtful actions. You caused this and I am not responsible. Take responsibility and apologize, agree with me and take your hurt because you deserve it”

[@HELL-BENT74]

Imagine gaslighting a fart?, the fart would explode as farts are pre-filled with highly pressurised air and gas

[@princessirulancorrino4695]

This. This summarizes my relationship with him.

[@rubywarda6871]

I was naive for years and was gaslighted without even noticing! After therapy and knowing my value, I can see it. So I stay confident and rely on myself. Ignoring is the best answer!

[@matthewcalder1102]

There brains only know violence, i live next door to one, ..

[@leoallan2225]

That's so true Dr. Ramani, they run hot, and cold, a real Dr. Jekyll, and Mr. Hyde type of person.

[@ourblessedmess5815]

Experienced my whole life with multiple people. I am always the black sheep. I never fold, but I've bent while learning. You put into words so well what I've become to know so well.

[@kylielogan8771]

Your not the black sheep your the white sheep!😊. Much better then them.

[@Indy__isnt_it]

I could have written this word for word. Black sheep unite?

[@mariesantos6041]

Very harmful to our mental health to the point of suicidal tendencies...I was blessed to hear this video to untangle my brains and emotions at this moment🙏💞🕊 Blessings💖💝🎃

[@Anonymous_Anon882]

Bless you.

[@paranormalcassie2508]

Yes my ex has led me to suicidal thoughts.

[@Anonymous_Anon882]

@@paranormalcassie2508 sadly, malignant gaslighters don’t care if you’re suicidal. They think it’s funny. I genuinely don’t think they’re fully-capable of appreciating the damage they do to people’s mental health.

[@HappyHawthorn]

'Untangle my brains and emotions': beautifully worded✨💖✨

[@izzylandyt]

They want us to reach that dark point so that they can put on a sob act at our funeral - or play the victim once we snap - and then go down the list. It’s criminal behavior imho.

[@dhd-00]

Every single manipulation tactic all but implies the use of the lying tactic and the gaslighting tactic. I actually dislike it a little calling out gaslighting as a manipulation tactic as it's actually an effect. All manipulation tactics will contribute to it by nature of what manipulation is. Some tactics however certainly take the gaslighting effect to a whole different level. Blatant lies that are so bad they insult your intelligence is one of them. That kind of shit will make you feel like you are in the twilight zone after a while. Here are some of the reasons they do this: To test their control. To feel superior and/or entertainment. This proves to themselves how much control they have over you. In the end, you will give up and you will not leave (trauma bonded). In the process of getting to the giving up stage, you will go through some pretty nasty emotional states ending in massive amounts of cognitive dissonance to swallow all of that. Cognitive dissonance is a trauma defense mechanism where you essentially lie to yourself in various ways so that you can bring back some semblance of equilibrium to the insanity you find yourself unable to escape from. As part of the ‘backing you into an emotional corner’ tactic. This is a tactic where you are manipulated into being emotionally unstable inevitably leading to you losing your shit. This gives the narcissist a big dopamine burst, they feel powerful and superior having so deftly controlled you and manipulated into this emotional state. To finish the little game they play, they make sure to point out how unhinged and unstable you are and suggest that perhaps you need help or medication. Of course, you will internalize all that shame and guilt and the million other raging emotions they have created and swallow all that essentially allowing them to scapegoat their blame and accountability onto you. Bring on some more cognitive dissonance and gaslighting effects. To condition you to expect less respect, and ultimately put up with more abuse. You will tire of the inevitable circular argument trying to convince the narcissist of the blatantly obvious lie and eventually find yourself challenging them less and less as you subconsciously accept the fact that if you do it will just make your life and emotional state more miserable and you will be denied the satisfaction of any kind of ‘win’ even if it is easy to disprove. This is part of the domination process and makes sure all the power in the relationship ends up with them by the end. To turn your mind to mush as the gaslighting effect takes hold more and more over time. This makes you even easier to control. Many times while easy to disprove it requires some kind of concession of some obvious truth that the narcissist can just doggedly refuse to agree with or remember (‘the intentional forgetting’ tactic and the ‘feigned confusion or ignorance’ tactics are often employed for this). So, in fact, it is not so easy to prove when the narcissist refuses to correctly remember what happened 10 min ago or accept sound logic or reasoning. You will just turn blue in the face trying. Of course, in some cases it is indisputable. A phone log or something. My experience is when this kind of stuff happens it wasn’t their intention typically, although sometimes it was. But in these scenarios, you will typically get some sort of angry ‘invalidating’ tactic, with some good old ‘manufactured rage’ and ‘intimidation’ tactics to ‘put you on the defensive’ and get you more susceptible to further manipulation. Maybe something like: “Get over yourself already” followed up by some ‘blame-shifting’ tactics with some good old ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’ tactics, like “Why the hell are you spying on my phone records anyway? What kind of relationship is this? I don’t have any privacy? I don’t know if I can do this anymore! You have major jealousy issues! You need help!” You will walk away as the loser either way. There are resistance tactics that can be used but this is a very difficult tactic to deal with and it is one of their favorites. I won’t get into the counter-tactics here though. The only way to really win in a relationship with a narcissist is to leave them and go no contact. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done MetaspyClubllc@gmail. com,,

[@ChapstickLicorice]

You described my traumatic childhood leading to my 4 year marriage to a man/narcissist. Only to later discover the gaslighting started early when I expressed to my mother that I’m gay and she convinced me of that being untrue. Hmm, no wonder I went on to marry a toxic covert narcopath who nearly pushed me to the very brink of insanity with the depth of his lies and deception. Unreal. I woke up to all of this in the last 2 years and it has been life changing to say the least. I’m still working on establishing firm boundaries to keep narcs out in the first place. I just ended a 7 month relationship with yet another narcissist. Glad I caught it early this time.

[@nathmbr3700]

“I arrived late at home because YOU didn’t call me to tell me I was late. Plus, if you had your dinner all alone by yourself is because YOU chose not to wait for me.”

[@ThesySurface]

Blamed me for THEIR bad behaviour! Exactly! 😆🙌🧚‍♀️

[@nadirmilazzo5968]

Narcissists gaslighting is a tragic realization. Years of being miss-treated and condtioned to listen for those gaslighing words. Thank you Dr. Ramani, this really helps.

[@arcturianoracle784]

The “tearing down part” is really 🎯. I find myself constantly saying things like, “It’s ok to be angry. It’s not okay to try and hurt me emotionally because of it.” Or “It’s ok to argue but can we try to be constructive instead of destructive??” Or “No matter how angry I am or even if I am yelling back, do you notice how the content of my words is just factual and not insulting you? Don’t insult me.” Or “Ok I understand why you did what you did but I do not understand your behavior rn. We’re talking about something you did to me? Why are YOU the one who’s angry/angrier? I’m just telling you it HURT me. If I were you, I’d embarrassed and apologetic 🙇🏻‍♀️. I can’t imagine having this audacity.” etc etc etc

[@revabbyjoovitsky5152]

Deflecting, changing the focus from your pain triggered by what they did to them, their feelings. Your need to be heard/seen not being met. You want them to change something small, they make it about their pain/suffering being 1000x bigger than yours, message: shut up? Message also: your complaint is not valid, your pain is not valid because all the Jews & Israelis before you suffered more, including our parents. So we have no right to express any pain/request for changes to be made to accommodate us now when someone does something that we find difficult to tolerate? Is that insensitivity? Lack of empathy? Arrogance? What is it? I run into that a lot here.

[@salp4549]

I feel that I've been gaslighted all my life, even from therapist's.. This was great... thank you!!

[@mmondt9440]

I stopped jumping on command. I began small projects around the house without seeking her permission. This was the start of my freedom, my discard and her monkey branching to an old college boyfriend. Even in the worst of the gaslighting I never doubted my sanity... But the NPD's have a way of convincing you the love we share is forever, and you stick with it and someday we will see eye to eye. But i created a final test. I wrote a heartfelt letter on the issues i have. Its a Catholic Pre-Cana tool. You read the letter to your partner. She said everything I wrote is B.S. She confirmed that whatever love i thought was there, was a mirage.

[@ursalaoutrageous9249]

This was a fascinating video. I was married to a gaslighting narcissist for thirty years and at the end of that period, was in a gaslighting workplace. The only thing that saved me was getting a new job where I work now. It has been an extreme struggle to overcome the feelings of incompetence and stupidity, the stigma of forgetfulness. I am 72 now. I still have to fight this demon whenever I am overtired, which is all too often when you’re this age. Memory slips, learning new things is more difficult. I still think of almost all other people are more intelligent and competent than I am, even though my work has been highly praised. Whenever I have a less successful day, however, it is very easy for me to become completely unraveled and disgusted with myself.

[@philosophersofthecave6617]

I'm sure you're doing great, Ursala! You got this. You're free now and that's what matters. Enjoy your time left while you can. You have the wisdom to know who good people are now

[@blessed7927]

Its the fear of wondering “if its true” but just remember- the brain is plastic- meaning they now know you can keep learning at any age - even old age- and you’re not even there yet! 🎉

[@ursalaoutrageous9249]

@@blessed7927 I needed to know that because this new technology at work has me intimidated! I am really wondering how a very forgetful 72-yo can learn all this stuff and not cost them a lot of money in ruined materials!

[@bjrgstre-mauger5398]

Ì am getting older also, I understand. What helps me is knowing Jesus. Not church, not religion just His Love. He seem me as His and His Spirit is doing a good work in me to become all He wanted me to be. Whole, healed and set free. No religion , just a real relationship with Jesus who came to heal the broken hearted and set the captives free ❤

[@rodneymartel452]

Gaslighting is that behavior which you are exposed to before you recognize the intention of the other person. The Puddle's ripples are seen. The codependent enablers are the eyes and ears of this legacy. Yet they will be discarded voraciously by the Puddle ( Narcissistic people tend to hate traitors) after their purpose is served. The Puddle will pay internally for their behavior. Unfortunately no one is around for this. But each and every one will suffer in the twilight years of their lives.

[@EveningTV]

Long before!!

[@laurielyden7327]

I have been gaslit by my mother for so long that she had me believing down was up, and up was down.

[@themaggattack]

1. 35:06 Learn to *Own Your Truth* . Your reality, your opinion. The first time your reality is questioned, step back. 2. 35:55 Stop falling for charisma and charm. 3. 37:01 Just being smart or educated is not a virtue. 4. 38:08 being rich and successful is not a virtue 5. 39:12 Watch how they treat other people 6. 39:58 Learn the Narcessist's "Tells" 7. 40:46 Become OK with setting boundaries 8. 41:42 Dump the enablers 9. 42:42 Stop giving second chances. 10. 43:53 Surround yourself with good people. (Bonus) 11. 45:26 Start getting comfortable with taking the less popular path. 12. 48:04 Have meaning and purpose in your life (But DON'T share it with the narcessist)

[@warrenbradford2597]

I did the same thing you did. Keep up the good work!

[@jodizellmer994]

Exactly! If you believe something to be the truth then stick to it. If somebody feels the need to gaslight you, it only means that you aren't easy to manipulate, so they have to try that much harder. Take it as a compliment!!!

[@RO-ir1on]

One of the best blame shifting from my ex when the relationship ended was that I never told him what I needed/wasnt communicating. We had several conversations about how much I needed help either around the house, with our kids, or having me time. I can remember crying to him for help. So his insistence that I never communicated was infuriating!

[@TheSamjane4]

Mine said the same thing. I told him I gave up asking or telling him anything because of the millions of times I did and he ignored me.

[@AmyEV1020]

I know the feeling. Tomorrow marks 30 days of me being gone.

[@charlesroulette5296]

@@AmyEV1020 Hang in there. Get help and don't allow it back into your life.

[@jlynnmenzel]

My friend of 15 years never communicated his needs. Not directly. And then when I didn’t provide him with whatever he needed in the moment he would punish me with his silence and tell me it wasn’t because of anything in particular. Ended our friendship last month.

[@Heartangelstar]

Dr. Ramani, you are one of the most amazing people I have ever “met” ✊🏼

[@fruhlingsfrisch6205]

They blamed me for being nosy when I found out their crimes. Literal crimes. It was my fault being upset because I found out. Hadn't I found out I would be okay. 🤔😖

[@dontbelongherefromanother]

I believe it. Narcs want others to respect their boundaries and privacy but never the other way around

[@byefelicia7736]

Yes, exactly. My now ex was talking to another woman behind my back. Inappropriately. She was in the shower and getting ready for us to go to dinner & her phone rings. SHE asked me to see who it was, in case it was the person we were meeting up with (because we were running late). Well, there were messages popping up at that exact time on her phone clearly visible from the other woman. I bring it up and asked what the hell was going on. She tried all of these 1. It's just a friend. 2. Then blamed me for SEEING the inappropriate texts 3. THEN when those didn't work, it was MY fault because I lived 2hrs away and could only make it to her house and see her Fridays through Mondays each week and "wasn't around." Yes, MY fault. I'm sorry for working.

[@lovetomarket]

@@byefelicia7736 Preach. Had an off-and-on relationship with a married man unknowingly. When I found it it was 1. My fault 2. I overreacted. 3. His wife didn't mind as much as me. 4. I ruined dinner at his friend's house (when this was exposed) by not being quiet. Ya.

[@reesedaniel5835]

When exposing a crime is treated as committing a crime, you are being ruled over by criminals.

[@anonymousanonymous9797]

i truly appreciate these longer videos considering how busy you with your own practice and with the multitude of other things you do for others. may the good you do return to you a million-fold. sending love to all :) xx

[@CarmenGomez-mq2bc]

👏

[@rturney6376]

KZbin pays her for them. It is based on Advertisers. October advertisers pay more because it is pre Holiday Ad prices. She definitely benefits.

[@anonymousanonymous9797]

Whether she benefits or not I am grateful she is here and for all her work.

[@bellamore6282]

@@anonymousanonymous9797 Exactly, she should be compensated she is helping people!! everyone always virtue signals when it comes to therapists and psychologists. its so annoying

[@banjiddle]

Dr Ramani is my fav! I have learned why I have no confidence, self conscience, fat, and avoid people and social functions. Thank you Dr R for keeping life real.

[@tien7742]

Gaslighted tactics ARE NOT the same as lying or having different opinions about things..Period..

[@zoe11854]

My evil narcissistic mum, chose me as the empath scapegoat and my brother who is 4 years older as the golden child. She is brilliant at being a narcissist and queen of manipulation. I have been blamed for many things, almost breaking up my parents marriage (think I was early teens), blamed for them being broke cause of my school fees, blamed for splitting up the family ( because I chose to end the relationship with my brother due to childhood sexual abuse), blamed for why we never had a mum & daughter relationship, I didn’t make any effort and so on

[@littleme3597]

Wow, so sorry. Did we have the same mom? She was also jealous of me. Her OWN DAUGHTER! I am half her, so she is jealous of herself? A mental disorder.

[@utrnagel9441]

I had to come back to Germany from the US so they could fix there Marriage!

[@sarahwoodward4453]

Sounds like my Mom. She blames me for the fact that’s she’s an angry alcoholic

[@blessed7927]

Yep. I know about the blame. If you are even in the room while they have an argument with another person- YOUR TO BLAME. Its INSANE.

[@renzlo9747]

I sirvived the same... older brother sa'd me and i am havin panic attacks every time i see him ... my mother blames me for being dramatic... he sees himself as a victim so my mother is extra protective towards him and abusive towards me... it is so evil and twisted

[@trevorlageson5122]

This is a much needed understanding in the world today. Surprisingly many clinicians don't get it or are disregarding patient symptoms from their own misconceptions of reality. Peace be with you

[@mdee860]

@Trevor - So true!!! Dr. Ramani would likely have statistics on this - I've heard that many Psychologists & Psychiatrists are either Narcassistic themselves, or have very little in-depth knowledge of Narcassism & its many facets. IMO - There is a huge need for 'Narcassism' Specialists. Dr. Ramani & Dr. Carter are the best!!!

[@cyndigooch1162]

@@sandycane9884 It's a fact that many psychologists etc are highly narcissistic and people tell me that I need to see someone about my issues, then I inform them that most of the so-called experts I've seen in the past caused a lot more harm, especially the ones in the psychiatric system, or weren't helpful at all. 😥

[@mdee860]

@@sandycane9884 - that's sad, just pushing pills like that. Uuugh. Of course - he likely doesn't care about his patients & doesn't want to actually work - easier for him to just prescribe pills. 💊 *** In case anyone doesn't know the difference between the two: Psychiatrists = MD doctor & can prescribe pills/ medicine; Psychologists = PhD doctor & can NOT prescribe pills/ medicine.

[@ashleyiz2008]

Yea--I think a lot of therapists who have been trained in CBT can end up invalidating survivors when they ask the patient to "consider the part they played in the dynamic" and ask them to come up with ways of working with/communicating with/dealing with their abuser and what other things they can try to mend the situation. It feels like it'd your responsibility to "fix" the abuser's bad behavior. I would like more therapists to validate the patient's experience instead.

[@mdee860]

@@cyndigooch1162 - and I bet many of those people you told about that don't get it. smh. Uuuugh

[@cleewestgard]

My husband threw away his ballot because I mailed mine in after waiting 3 days IN CASE he wanted to copy it. This has been going on for 30 years. When I told him to stop gaslighting he stopped talking to me 3 days ago! I’ve been here so many times I use his silence as a gift! I’m ready to walk

[@amylyn5220]

I was on life support for 11 days a few years ago. During that time my husband cheated. After I left him his mother said to my mom that he didn’t want to be in the relationship because I stopped giving him sex. My mother said to her well it’s pretty hard to have sex when you’re on life support. I later learned and have come to understand that both he and his mom gaslit me for the entire relationship.

[@justahuman9273]

Wtf!! Dude i am happy you survived. God bless you and your Mom 🌹💞

[@boxelder9147]

Weird that he shares his sex life with his mother. What a dyck

[@amylyn5220]

@@justahuman9273 thank you very much. I am on disability now but I can take care of myself which is a blessing.

[@tammyfitzgerald5336]

💯🙏🏽💯🙏🏽💯🙏🏽

[@izawaniek2568]

This lecture on gaslighting is a life-saver dr Ramani. Thank you so much for your incredible wisdom and compassionate heart and for saving lots of us who have suffered this evil form of abuse. Everything you said should be remembered and your advice applied in our lives. If somebody is willing to break your spirit, they are willing to annihilate you and that is abuse from hell! And the narcisists often mask their abusive behaviour as something they do because they are concerned about you and your well-being. They act simmilarily to the father of lie who masks his evil intenssions with compassion. This is the masterful kind of deception.

[@loribricker4907]

Thanks sis! Exactly! Father of the lie is the first gaslighter!

[@inthesheden]

Extremely destabilizing! Had me inside out and backwards for years. Your videos have helped validate my hunches and have given me strength to move on. Thank you.

[@snowbunny1285]

I’ve been married to a gaslighting husband for 33 Years. Didn’t realize what he was doing until about 3 years ago when I heard the term. Then it all made sense. When I went for a biopsy after a mammogram, he said that if I had not gotten a mammogram, he wouldn’t be going with me for the biopsy. He was angry. Wow, he made me cry all the way to the appt. I was so scared. By the way, it was cancer.

[@cpwood3506]

That might take the cake! How dare you....because you had a mammogram, and now need a biopsy, YOU have caused him all of this grief and frightening possibilities! How dare you have cancer, and cause him so much anguish! Unbelievable. I am so, so sorry that you are with such an emotionally vacant person. I wish you well, and peaceful healing. You always have, and especially now, deserve better. Hugs.

[@christopherlarson3401]

I’m so sorry that happened to you. This breaks my heart. Huge hug..I don’t know you, but I love you. It took a lot of courage to go through that alone. You were never alone though. Jesus is always with you. ❤ I couldn’t put a like, because it broke my heart when I read your story.

[@blessed7927]

So sorry about having Cancer. Praying you heal up and have amazing emotional support. ❤❤❤

[@ALT-vz3jn]

Your husband is a massive a-hole. I hope your cancer was caught in time and you are doing well right now ❤ sending lots of positive thoughts to you 🥰🙏🏻

[@maureenbanks3702]

I'm sorry honey. That sucks! You don't deserve that. I'm praying for you.

[@anon4363]

I think gaslighting has a deep connection with the concept of Devalue. Devalue is a broad therm that also includes try to reduce importance, the most severe devalue stage is deny existance of perceived reality. That is where it becomes gaslighting.

[@Black_Beauty89]

A big one that I had to learn was trusting my gut the first time/not second-guessing myself. This goes hand-in-hand with giving people the benefit of the doubt. You have to think of it as what it is...a benefit...and it must be earned and not just freely given. Your body will always let you know when something isn't right...some people refer to it as intuition or "trusting your gut... but we just have to listen!

[@leah-the-animation-fan]

I've been learning how to trust my gut for almost 3 years, and I still struggle with it in regards to my mom. "Your body will always let you know when something isn't right." is a very powerful message

[@Black_Beauty89]

@@leah-the-animation-fan Trust me, I know its a hard pill to swallow when its your mother...but it does get easier with work. Im living proof. Even though they had us, that doesnt mean they want the best for us and you have to remember that.

[@civirebel]

All shine with nothing underneath, a crash course of the life of roller coasters, both highs and lows. Thanks Dr. Ramani for the wonderful reminders of how nice the simple life can be...❤

[@miraclemiracle9289]

🙌So much tribal gaslighting in my family . I'm watching this to therapy myself .

[@warrenbradford2597]

Same here.

[@jengable4888]

Yes ! Tribal gaslighting can occur in families, in employment situations, in other living situations (landlord/tenant), and churches.

[@daleszabo5032]

Thank you for your introspection and humbleness. You asked for some feedback, so here is how my 96 year old parent was kindly handled: " you did not come into the world at the right time. If you would not have been born, then blank blank and blank would not have happened!" My response after seeing your videos, Dr. Ramani? "Ya, ya, ya, you told me this story many times during my life, Mom. I am used to it, but ya know what? I thank you for my life, and would do everything the same way over again. I have had a great life at 62, and no regrets." My dear narcissist adoptive Mother was very quiet, and asked me to go, drive back home. So i did.

[@Alice-sw9hf]

He just used to say "I forgot". How do you argue with that? You will never be able to rely on them for anything, in fact they will sabotage your efforts and you'll feel incompetent. Never, ever, lend them money because they will ask quite early on. Stay strong and get rid of them.

[@stariadreamtea]

I noticed a few of them self diagnosed as ADHD as an excuse to forget or not do important things for you. If you call them out you're dissing their mental illness.

[@pmz916]

She said she was mirroring me, so it was my fault she was acting the way she was. I had just lost my son, so I was grieving and disconnected from reality. I was so confused. Another one was, after I said they hurt me, they asked “have you been seeing your therapist?”

[@jodyracanelli9703]

I live for many years in a world of confusion and despair because I did not know about narcissism. I am so grateful for these videos and all that I have learned about it from this channel. I am no longer with the narcissist, and these videos are really helping me heal.

[@jimmykeating2029]

There is no compromise or reasoning with a gaslighter or narcissist THANK U 🙏 SO MUCH I FEEL soooo much better

[@stephanieieno1749]

No there truly isn’t. 15 years later and 12 years after our divorce… STILL cannot compromise or coparent. And now my poor child is experiencing the emotional abuse I went through from her narcissistic father.

[@jcd5211]

A psychologist once tried to gaslight me. I was appalled. After the second time she tried it I canceled my appointments and never went back.

[@salliegallegos918]

It happened to me as well. She was a nut case! She also used to yawn obnoxiously during sessions. I quit after two sessions.

[@karenmurphy9111]

A lot of mental health professionals it seems go into the field to treat themselves.( Please also note that I'm not referring in the least to Dr.Ramani.) That said all too often their own treatment seems to be unsuccessful.😂😅😮

[@kundaidube0505]

Gaslighting is so painful. Its so subtle and yet it really messes up your mind. You question your reality really bad and when you are told their reality you accept it as truth, even apologise and accept blame. You constantly become the villain even in instances they do you wrong . You have to constantly look for evidence to get any accountability. If you don’t, you are in for more gaslighting and guilt tripping. Situations you talk about and agree suddenly become your fault and manipulation when they think to turn it on you. Blame shifting, guilt tripping, shaming . Its horrible, its abuse and its so hard to prove to anyone this type of abuse. You feel it, its subtle but so hard to prove. You always feel like running and yet you love them. Crazy. Healing is such a journey after such an experience

[@abinahdavies3469]

I am the oldest among three siblings. Growing up I saw my alcoholic addict father physically, verbally and emotionally abused myself my mother. I was only 8 yrs old and I felt the only thing I should do to stop the abuse was to support my mom emotionally and love her deeply. I hated my dad Soo much for what he was doing but I couldn't stop him. My dad Finally kicked my mother out of the house when I turned 13 and he also left the house and moved in with another woman and my mom also moved in with another guy leaving me and my 3 siblings who were 10, 7 and 3. I took care of all of them, started dating older men for money at 16 to take care of my siblings financially. My dad passed away when I was 18 And I have financially taken care of my siblings for almost 30 yrs. I recently decided to talk to my now 83 yr old mom what I lived and what the traumatic experience has caused me in my personal life. My mom just did not want to hear or know and called me an angry person. Now I feel like she has a new supplier and she has done a good job telling my sibling's I am just an angry and bitter and none of them speaks to me. It hurts that a person that I loved Soo much just took my kindness for my weakness. I am not bitter but I wanted to let her know what I lived.

[@blissfulbaboon]

It is very good you let the old hag know how much damage she did to your life by leaving all her responsibility as a mother to a young child to raise and care for HER children ,while she took off!!God bless you sister, for having the strength to handle all this responsibility for caring for your siblings at such a young age as you were!YOU HAVE A RIGHT YO BE ANGRY AT YOUR MOTHER! Just realize that she did you and your siblings wrong and it's justifiable for you to be angry about it but at the same time you must try to understand that your mother was just too wounded and weak and mentally unwell to be able to be present in a real caring way in your life.Eventually, so you don't get eaten up by chronic anger, you can try to have some compassion for the wounded bird she was , that couldn't even care for her kids she was so damaged herself.

[@AlSabado-at-alsabado-com]

I can relate to your story of unreciprocated kindness. May God's healing and comfort be upon you.

[@tammyfitzgerald5336]

Blowing my mind 🎉❤I had whole family 😮

[@Imoenn]

It's so difficult about self blame. I will be blamed for things and now that I know what Gaslighting is, I will be worried that I'm gaslighting someone by not taking responsibility but also being aware that I might be owning up to things that I didn't do.

[@DCBFD]

Was just thinking the exact same thing. My ex used to accuse me of things I hadn't said/done, most of the time it was just a misunderstanding, but they still expected me to take accountability for what they "felt" had happened. We can't take responsibility for someone else's incorrect view of reality, that's their problem, but they usually have a way of making us feel guilty for not doing so :/

[@M_SC]

Things will get better. Try to get away from the Narcissist.

[@briannenurse4640]

Gaslighting requires you to try to destabilize someone's sense of reality, for example by calling them crazy or saying there's something wrong with them for what they're thinking or feeling. If you're not doing that, you're not gaslighting.

[@kathryncothern3433]

The best line he said was “That’s what you get for snooping!!”. I always chuckle when I look back at that moment… The list of other gaslighting responses is soooo long. Thank goodness I don’t have to deal with that any longer and will not deal with it going forward with anyone else. ❤

[@DialecticDeveloper]

"Give yourself time and space to figure out what is meaningful and inspiring to you."

[@TheLiquidCat]

Which is ironically a very tough process, but ultimately, good for us.

[@helenaabedini1307]

My ex first denied, told me I was too sensitive, that it was not true. Later blamed me for his affairs, telling me I was “withdrawing from him” after my neck surgeries! And that I should let him “have some fun” - and that his affairs was “his private life”, none of my business! - I thought we were each other’s private life being married!!! Anyone having the same crazy responses when you confronted your cheating partner?!? Later he also blamed our kids for our divorce as their rooms was messy etc! Thank you dr R for lifting this topic!🌹

[@gregpetti2461]

I'm really enjoying these talks. I'm not sure if my former partner was a narcissist, or if she had BPD -- or some combination of disorders, but most of this is relatable. One point about these relationships that is important, is that normal rules don't apply. In a normal relationship, there are many qualities and behaviours that would be good attributes in a normal relationship. For example, a willingness to examine our own role in a conflict or argument, is usually a good thing. In a relationship with a narcissist (or other disorder) this could be a weakness and you can end up blaming yourself for everything. The realization (eventually) that your partner is not playing by the same rules (i.e. they have a disorder) is an important one as you can start to adapt your behaviour based on a better understanding of what is really going on (which is where videos like this come in) . I still remember the "maybe I'm not crazy" moment when I discovered other people dealing with something similar (via a BPD website).

[@GabbieRomance]

I was told by my father that nothing ever happened and that I'm insane. "Something's wrong with your head. If you need to blame me to your psychologist, if it will make you feel better and get your head right, I'll let you do that."

[@PARoth2011]

That made me laugh and shake my head, ha he gave you his “controlling permission” ..omg, he really is delusional since it’s obvious that you totally have his number and know exactly what he’s doing which makes you VERY smart and sane!